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Relationships/How to Write a Personal Ad

Examples

 * REVENGE OF THE NERDS
 * Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. Better-looking than Bill Gates.

I ran "Revenge of the Nerds" without the swimming pool, and got one response. With the pool I got fifteen responses. Now I know what women want.

I made a mistake running the following personal ad:
 * HIGH-TECH REDNECK
 * Million-dollar Los Gatos home with junk cars in yard. Italian suits, cowboy boots. Likes country music.

I had thought that country songs were made up. I thought that the women in the songs were not real. Then they all called me.

I wrote this personal ad for two dogs that needed a home:
 * TWO GIRLS...
 * One blonde, other brunette. Fun-loving. Enjoy long walks on the beach, convertible cars, and heavy petting. Loyal, good listeners. Both have four paws and adorable floppy ears.

An alternative newspaper rejected the following personal ad:
 * FUN GOTH GUY
 * Look: tall, thin, pale, black leather. Attitude: dominance. Music: The Damned, Killing Joke, Bach organ fugues. Hobbies: collecting memorabilia from serial killers, laughing maniacally in inappropriate circumstances, putting the "fun" back into "funeral." Can I bite your neck on the first date?

This will date me, but I remember when alternative newspapers did not have decency standards.

Making Personal Ads Work
Less than 1% of married couples met via personal ads (see Where Couples Met). Only 2% of short-term sexual relationships started with a personal ad. Less than one in 500 online personal ad users finds a partner. 23% have not gotten a date in over a year.

Personal ads are, in general, a poor way to find a mate. This is partly because many people write poor ads, and then place them in the wrong venues. The right ad in the right venue can work.

Conversation Starters
Write your personal ad around conversation starters. E.g., writing that you are new in town prompts a variety of questions, such as "Where did you move from?"

In contrast, writing "I love sitting by a fireplace, talking about everything and nothing," prompts no responses.

Imagine that an individual approaches you at a party. Write out a conversation about yourself that fascinates this person. Now condense your responses into two or three sentences.

Imagine saying each sentence to a stranger. What would the person say in response? If you cannot imagine a meaningful response, take out the sentence.

Now highlight every bragging point. Add self-deprecating humor. E.g., one of my ads said that I lived in a million-dollar home. I then added "with junk cars in the yard."

Run your ad through your word processor's spelling checker. Then run it through a grammar checker (in Microsoft Word, the grammar checker is under "Tools"). Now look in your Yellow Pages under "Editorial Services." Pay a professional editor $25 to edit your personal ad. Spelling and grammar errors make you look lazy and stupid. A polished, professional-sounding ad makes you look thirty IQ points smarter.

If you are in a big city, especially in the north or west of the USA, describe your looks and your money in your personal ad. In small cities, especially in Southeast Region of the USA, emphasize emotions and hobbies.

Disclosure
One of my hobbies is reading personal ads from incarcerated women, and then looking up their rap sheets on the World Wide Web. At first this feels like going to the Humane Society to pick out a puppy... then you realize that these are bad puppies.

E.g., one young woman described herself as "honest, intelligent, with a heart of gold." Her rap sheet says that she is serving 25 years for homicide. (She was a waitress, so maybe a rude customer did not leave her a tip. That is justifiable homicide, right?)

I have read hundreds of personal ads from incarcerated women. Not one mentioned her crime, or anything about prison. The women instead describe themselves as enjoying long walks on the beach, romantic evenings by the fireplace, etc.

Hiding something unattractive about yourself might increase the number of responses to your personal ad, but these relationships will end—fast—when the individuals discover the truth. Potential partners will see you as having a bad character in addition to having an unattractive feature.

Present your best qualities, but also disclose your unattractive features. Present your unattractive features positively, as a conversation starter. E.g., an incarcerated woman could write that she committed a crime when she was immature, but prison has helped her grow and now she is sorry for what she had done. This leads to asking about the crime, what prison has taught her, etc. You could talk to her for hours.

Disclose an unattractive feature in a way that shows your good character. Showing that you have a good character will make people love you. People will then ignore your unattractive features. Ironically, pointing out your faults makes your faults less visible, while hiding your faults makes them more visible.

Select the Right Venue
A magazine writer had less-than-great experiences with several big online dating websites. Then he won an eBay auction and paid $550 for a personal ad on a hip New York online women's 'zine. The 'zine did not usually have personal ads (i.e., his ad was a special feature). The result was 60 e-mails and "lots of" dates with interesting women.

Buy an ad in each of the following venues:

 * 1) A big online dating service or a big local newspaper. Buy a month's membership. If you do not get dates within a month, cancel your membership and try another website. A few big corporations own many personal ad websites, e.g., InterActiveCorp owns Match.com, uDate.com, and Kiss.com, and Love@AOL; Spring Street Networks runs personal ad websites for Nerve.com, Salon.com, and many others; Lycos owns Matchmaker.com; Match.net owns AmericanSingles.com, Jdate.com, and many others.
 * 2) Specialized online dating services, e.g., BlackSingles.com or 18wheelsingles.com (for truckers). The best directory I have found of these websites is the Open Directory Project, Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/
 * 3) A website or publication that does not have personal ads, but attracts the type of person you want to meet (most couples met in "Other"). E.g., if you want to meet men who drive BMW motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle Owners Association website. Ask, beg, and offer a large pile of cash to the website to run your personal ad as a special feature. Suggest that the website run two personal ads (one man, one woman) on Valentine's Day, that they auction the ads on eBay, and that they use the "event" for promotional publicity.

Feedback Ratings
Select an online dating service that has feedback ratings. The only one I know of is http://www.GreatBoyfriends.com/.

On eBay, buyers and sellers leave each other positive, neutral, or negative feedbacks. When you get ten positive feedbacks, eBay puts a gold star next to your name. Buyers and sellers know at a glance that you are trustworthy. If they want to be sure, they can read each comment written about you.

If personal ad websites had feedback, you could select only individuals with a gold star. Then you could skip the ads and go straight to the reviews.

Other personal ad websites have surreptitious e-mail newsletters reviewing dates. These newsletters are only shared by women, and say only bad things about men. This fosters a negative environment.

Checkboxes and Ideal Partners
"I've had some pretty funny experiences with married couples. For the most part they don't match well at all. At one event this woman was berating her husband for having answered the questions wrong. He said, "Yes, dear, yes, dear.""

- Michelle McDonald, inventor of the "Matchstick" electronic device which lights up when you're near someone with similar interests

Since the 1960s, computer programmers have tried to find questions that instantly match an individual with his or her perfect mate. This might work for finding friends, but we are hardwired for sexual attraction to our opposites (see "Pheromones" and "Similarity and Dissimilarity").

"Your computer was right. Mitzi and I like all the same things: same food, opera, bike-riding, dogs. There was only one thing we didn't like—each other."

- Bernard Murstein, Paths to Marriage (1986)

The endless checkboxes on personal ad websites are worthless. We feel passion for individuals who reflect hidden elements of our personalities (see Anima and Animus). You cannot describe such a partner, because you cannot see the hidden parts of yourself.

Listing intolerable qualities is also useless. E.g., lying is intolerable to you. Ask 100 potential mates whether they lie. Everyone will say that they never lie. Or smoking is intolerable to you. You might reject an individual who wants to quit, but needs a supportive partner.

A better way to describe your ideal partner is to list your favorite celebrities and why you like them.

Photos
Always provide a photo. Not providing a photo will not make people think that you have a beautiful mind.

Spend the money for a professional portrait.

Provide additional photos in different environments. E.g., if the first photo is a studio portrait, provide a second photo playing sports or playing with your nieces and nephews. Provide a full-body photo as well as a head shot.

Lastly, correct the brightness, contrast, and color balance. If you do not know how to do this, pay a camera dealer or Kinko's to prepare high-quality digital files.

Responding to Personal Ads
Women should respond to men's ads. If you wait for men to contact you, you will only hear from the men that no other women want (see Flirting).

A man should place his personal ad in many websites and publications, until he finds a venue in which women contact him.

When responding to an online personal ad, copy your profile and photo into your message. Do not expect the recipient to go to the website and look up your profile.

Location-Based Cellphones
The newest cellphones have Global Positioning System (GPS) transponders. These cellphones can tell a 911 operator where you are, within a few feet. In a few years, when you join a singles club your cellphone will alert you when you are near another club member. Your cellphone screen will provide the other person's profile—and send your profile to him or her. If you want to meet each other, your cellphones will guide you to each other.

On your home computer you will select parameters—age, hobbies, etc.—and see a map highlighting where these people are now. E.g., you want to meet older men who enjoy cooking. On Saturday morning your computer may show that they are at the farmer's market, picking out ripe tomatoes.

Reverse Personal Ads
You will see a list of local events. You will check off events you would like to attend. Then you will search for other members who want to attend an event.

E.g., you click on Blues Traveler at the Paramount Theater. You then see all the single men or women who are going to the Blues Traveler concert. Because you both want to attend the event, you are guaranteed a date.

Road Trips
You and other singles fly to a new city each month. Single natives of that city have a weekend of group dates planned. You will see the sights of a new city, and meet new people.

One weekend a month, you and singles in your city host a group of singles flying to your city.

Flying Affinity Class
Where are strangers intimately close for far too long? Prisons and Landmark seminars, yes, but these may not be people you want to meet. Instead, fly!

The Wall Street Journal suggests flying first class to meet the best potential mates.

Airlines should sell affinity class seats. You would fill out a form listing education, hobbies, marital status, etc. Then you would select the affinity class passenger you want to sit next to. A good conversation is better than an in-flight movie.


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Relationships/Dating

It is important that parents of children should not be directly related to each other biologically to avoid birth defects and health problems arising from in-breeding. In some societies this is ensured by parents making pre-arranged marriage plans. In western societies, the process is generally more haphazard, and often partners are first attracted by appearance or personality.

Serious courtship is sometimes called dating or courting and is quite different from mere flirting which describes preliminary activities including going on dates.

After an initial meeting there is a period of courtship, during which the inter-personal distance diminishes (the distance between the bodies of the couple where they feel feel comfortable). For strangers, this is usually about half a meter or more The range of tolerated contact also increases gradually.

In developing intimate relationships, it is often advantageous to venture beyond the normal realm of common situations.

Emotional Range
"Emotional intelligence" is not about controlling your emotions. It is not about substituting positive emotions for negative emotions. It is about experiencing a full range of emotions.

Civilization reduces the range of emotions you feel. In the civilized world, you never feel desperately thirsty or terrified of wild animals or hopelessly lost. But desperation resolved becomes joy. You cannot feel the highest highs if you do not feel the deepest lows. The ideal date makes your partner—and you—feel a range of emotions.

Dinner-and-a-movie does not facilitate a range of emotions. Instead, if you are both sports fans, go to a game. Hope that your team has difficult moments, but ultimately triumphs. The ideal date is an emotional roller coaster.

Outdoor sports—skiing, hiking, rock climbing—produce a wide range of emotions. Or take your date to a hot blues club in a dangerous neighborhood. But prepare for possible dangers. Before the date, drive to the club in the daytime. Find a safe parking lot nearby. Remember how to get back to the freeway.

What to Do on a Date
Personal safety is women's priority on dates with strangers. Do not talk about violent crime, guns, terrorism, etc. Meet in a public place in a safe neighborhood. Do not suggest hiking in a remote area. If the woman has a child, do not suggest bringing the child.

The ideal first date is breakfast at a large restaurant. This is safe and requires no planning. If it is a workday, you are already dressed nicely. If you are not interested in each other, you've lost only $15 and 45 minutes.

Do not talk about the weather, television, or work. You have only 45 minutes, so go straight to emotional connection. Ask what she is looking for in a partner. Or ask, "Women say that 'chemistry' is the most important thing in a relationship. What does 'chemistry' mean to you?"

Group Dates
The second date should be a group date. Women like group dates. Men can trade off leadership roles, putting less pressure on each man.

When the group is together, direct your conversation to a person of the opposite sex. But also include short periods of time when the men go off as a group, leaving the women together.

Play the Life Stories game. Each person has five minutes to tell her life story. Then she answers questions for five minutes. This game sounds simple, but the experience is profound. You will be stunned at what you learn about people.

The Best Date a Man Can Take a Woman On
Lead a group date that shows off your entertainment skills. E.g., practice a cappella singing classic rock songs with two or three of your buddies. Go to coffeehouse "open mike" nights. Each of you asks a woman to watch your group perform.

Organize a group to write a humorous April Fools newsletter for your company or club.

Organize a group of friends to read a screenplay aloud. To make it more fun, have the men read the women's roles and the women read the men's roles. Find screenplays at Script-o-rama

The Best Date a Woman Can Take a Man On
Volunteer with a non-profit organization. When a man asks you out, suggest that he join you.

This tests both his commitment to you (see Beautiful Young Women Don't Have It Easy), and his relationship skills. E.g., volunteer with Habitat For Humanity to see if he is a good worker, and gets along in a group. Volunteer with a homeless shelter to see if he can make lower-status individuals feel good about themselves (i.e., if he has ego problems). Volunteer with the Humane Society to see how he interacts with animals. Volunteer with children to see if he has good parenting skills.

Ending the Date
Ending the date first communicates that you are in control. Leave cash on the table to pay the bill, and walk her out to her car.

If you are a man, ask for a kiss. This will communicate to you whether she enjoyed the date, and if she wants to see you again.

If you ask whether she enjoyed the date, or if she wants to see you again, she will always say "yes" (see "When 'Yes' Means 'No'"). If you ask for a kiss and she says "no," she does not like you and you will not get a second date.

If she "freaks out" when you ask for a kiss, say that it is appropriate for her to thank you for asking, instead of grabbing.

Keep in mind that this is not a kiss for pleasure. A goodbye kiss is quick. Keep your tongue in your mouth. You might kiss her cheek instead of her mouth. A goodbye kiss is one kiss—not a series. Stroke her hair, not her body.

If she asks for a hug instead of a kiss, again keep it brief.

If she offers to shake hands instead, it would be romantic to bow and kiss her hand—but practice this first!

Alcohol and Sexual Intimacy
Alcohol consumption is the strongest predictor of sexual intimacy on first dates.

On first dates without drinking, college students usually hold hands or have a casual kiss goodnight.

On first dates in which the combined drinking totals ten drinks or less, couples usually neck (prolonged kissing with close hugging) and may pet (touching the woman's breasts lightly through her clothes).

On first dates in which the couple's combined drinking totals more than ten drinks, the man usually fondles and kisses the woman's breasts. Sexual intercourse is not unusual on first dates with heavy drinking.

Alcohol consumption during dating negatively correlates with the quality of the ensuing relationship. I.e., if you want casual sex without a relationship, drink on dates. If you want a quality relationship without casual sex, do not drink on dates.

11 Dating Mistakes Men Make

 * Talking About Yourself
 * Women dislike men who talk only about themselves. Instead of talking about how great you are, talk to make your date feel great about herself.
 * Going to dinner and having nothing in common but work ...entire conversation was about work or him...it did not seem to matter what I wanted to do or what I had to say...

 * Talking About Facts : Do not be a know-it-all. After 14.5 years of higher education, I know enough facts to fill a factotum. And when I convey those facts to women, they say, "I'm afraid I don't have a romantic interest in our acquaintance."
 * Narcissism

"He talked only about himself. He told me he had written a book about formerly married people. This formerly married person told me about his former marriage, about his life history, about his other books for general consumption, which all seemed to parallel his personal social and emotional history, and his other accomplishments. There wasn't a single question, and he clearly felt I should be incredibly impressed.

His whole attitude was that I was very, very, very lucky to have this great expert on positive social interactions paying attention to me, a young free-lance writer....

Finally, at about three, I said I had to go to another appointment. He was suddenly put off. He couldn't believe that a woman would leave first....He had to make the first move toward the exit. The feeling was so vivid, it was as if his beam of human energy abruptly shut off....

Later on [it was] revealed that he...had been sleeping with his clients; he had kept a whole filing cabinet full of files on other women he'd had affairs with."

- Gloria Steinem

 * Never date a man who writes relationship books!
 * Narcissus was a beautiful young man. After a tiring day of hunting, he came to a clear spring. He kneeled to drink. He saw his reflection in the water. He thought that it was a beautiful water-spirit living in the spring. He fell in love with his reflection. He tried to kiss and embrace it. It fled at his touch. But soon it returned. He could not tear himself away. He lost all thought of food or rest while he gazed at his reflection. When he died, the gods created a purple and white flower, and named it after Narcissus.
 * Compare Gloria Steinem's date to Narcissus. The psychologist talked and talked, hoping to see his brilliance reflected in Steinem's awe. As long as Steinem sat still and reflected him, he felt attraction to her. But when Steinem stood to leave, she was like the rippling water of Narcissus's pool. He no longer saw his reflection in her. Her movement changed his attraction to fear.
 * Showing women that you are an "alpha" male—a.k.a., showing off—is a part of attracting women's attention. Continuing to show off after you attract a woman's attention is narcissism. Instead, switch gender roles and connect to her emotional state.
 * I guess it was with a guy that had a habit of looking into every mirror that we passed. I mean, Hello! He was worse then some girls I know!
 * Narcissists think they are smart and attractive. They can be charming in short-term relationships. Their need for attention can pull a partner along into the limelight. But their need to dominate leads to "game-playing, such as keeping partners uncertain about their commitment, being unfaithful and keeping secrets."
 * Another narcissist game is thinking your time is more important than your date's. Do not squeeze your date into your busy schedule. You will not impress her. She should think that meeting her is the most important event of your day.
 * Showing off money—or, in this case, expensive wine—is a form of narcissism:

"A bad date is anybody who arrives stoned or drunk or anyone who gets stoned or drunk while on the date. And another bad date is anyone who insists that I go dutch or pay. And another bad date is anybody who tries to kiss me, oh, before dinner. And another bad date is anybody who tries to impress me with what he knows about wines; I think that's really disgusting. And another bad date is anybody who takes you to one of those torturous, four-star restaurants where there're seventeen courses and insist you try everything. I mean that's hell."

- Rae Dawn Chong, actress

 * Women prefer men with lots of money, who do not make a big deal about it.
 * Here's a man who was not narcissistic:
 * Bart showed up in a clunker car, which was quite a change from my previous boyfriend. My ex- was really into his car. He had a brand-new sports car, and at times I thought he loved his car more than me.
 * So here is this new guy, Bart, in a really horrid car. He parked on campus, and we were walking toward the theater, when someone yelled, "Hey! Isn't that your car?"
 * We looked back to see smoke billowing out of the hood. Bart just smiled and said, "I'll deal with it tomorrow," and he kept walking with me. I was blown away! I thought, "He's not overly concerned with his car! He'd rather be with me!"
 * The couple married. They've been together 13 years.

 * Inappropriate Touch
 * For some individuals, touch is enjoyable but "no big deal." These individuals like touching and being touched. They easily learn physical skills, e.g., skiing. Touch and physical movement makes them awake and "in the moment." In contrast, sitting in a lecture sends their minds off to dreamland. On a date, such an individual may happily respond to your touch, but do not assume that he or she wants to have sex.
 * To other individuals, all touch is intimate. These individuals cannot stand being touched by strangers. They have difficulty learning physical skills. Auditory stimulation, e.g., a lecture or concert, makes them awake and attentive. A massage sends them off to dreamland. Movement therapy (e.g., yoga or Feldenkrais) is difficult for them, but produces deep, life-changing feelings.
 * When dating such an individual, keep your hands to yourself until your date trusts you. When the person is ready, your touch will make him or her feel intensely connected.
 * If you and your date have conflicting touch styles, discuss each other's needs. It is rude and unpleasant for a casual toucher to be "all over" a person who is sensitive to being touched. But it is equally rude for a touch-sensitive person to make his or her date sit motionless through a two-hour concert, when the date needs to dance or be touched.
 * To learn more about this, read The Open Mind, by Dawna Markova (1991).

 * Too Focused on Sex
 * The worst date I've had I would have to say was with this guy that did not understand the meaning of no. He was trying to get me to bed from the minute we met and did not let up until I pushed him out the door and locked it! Was not a pleasant experience, actually scared me, and I have found I am much more safety conscious now.
 * The guy assumed we were going to have sex just because we had discussed sex briefly on the phone. It was our first date! Our first meeting. I kept asking him to stop and slow down. Finally he got the point and left. Needless to say I was glad!!!
 * If dating were a car, the man has his hands on the steering wheel. The woman has her feet on the accelerator and brake pedals. He decides where they are going. She decides how fast.

 * Poor Manners

"The first really big thing you learn about the guy you're dating is how he treats waiters and waitresses at a restaurant, and what a huge effect that will have on the rest of the relationship."

- Edie Falco, who was a waitress for twenty years, and now plays Carmela Soprano on The Sopranos

 * Personal Hygiene
 * An unbearable date is one with a man who has body odor, who has not brushed his teeth for months, who talks about his work the whole time, or worse his mother's cooking.
 * When I'm flatulent at a party, I find the worst-dressed guy and stand next to him.

 * "Dutch Treat"
 * A blind date...was highly respectable and highly thought of by my friend. He was (I guess still is) a therapist. He called and we discussed meeting for coffee at a neutral place in the daytime. He was insistent on going out to dinner, that our first date should be a dinner date. He asked me to dinner and he insisted on picking me up at my home. Against my better judgment I consented even though my co-worker assured me he was a "stand up guy" and "okay." We go to dinner and at the end of the meal when the check comes he tallies up what "I owe" and hands me the bill and asked for the money. He told me that every woman he dates pays her own way.
 * The guy was late picking me up. When he showed up, he looked like he had slept in his clothes. He informed me that we had to take my car because his was in the shop. After dinner, he could not pay the bill, and asked if he could borrow the money to pay it. I took him to his place and he tried to get me to stay the night with him. I finally told him where to go, in a polite way.
 * Any first date that involved coupons.

 * Too Disorganized
 * Showing up late, not having dinner reservations or theater tickets, having car trouble—not being in control of your basic life stuff will not get you points.

 * Too Organized
 * But being too organized can be as bad:
 * He had everything planned and rehearsed and nothing goes right...ugh!
 * When we were late for any planned event that day, she lost it.
 * Plan the date, but plan options for your date to choose. Suggest two restaurants, or two movies you would like to see. Let her choose. If the weather is bad on your hiking trip, have a museum to visit. Spontaneity is romantic.

 * Violence and Physical Abuse
 * I had a man that hit me on our first date and that did not fly at all with me. Let's just say I dropped him off 30 min from his house out in the middle of nowhere. I felt kinda bad, but he hit me so I felt kinda justified.
 * Out to dinner, date gets drunk, starts fight with stranger, got shot at, and windows busted out of car with bumper jack.

3 Dating Mistakes Women Make

 * Lying About Boyfriends, Jealous Ex's
 * The worst date must have been the time her boyfriend showed up at the dinner table. Honestly, I did not know he existed before the date. Machismo is really funny sometimes. Fortunately, I can laugh about it now. It was probably the closest I've ever come to having someone really kick my butt.
 * Went out to eat, saw a movie. Then dropped her off, she was tired....As I left her ex-boyfriend pulled up and went inside. The next day I walked by (she was my neighbor) and he was still there. Did not make me feel so good about the date when I saw her that afternoon and she had several fresh hickies on her neck.
 * I had a date set for a week. We went out. It felt really weird during the date. Afterwards, she told me that she got back with her ex the day before. She still went out with me because she did not want to break my heart. (Go figure.)
 * Her "old boy friend" smashed a wooden chair on my back during dinner. But that is not what made it so crappy. She went home with the guy cause I would not "fight" for her.
 * Women lie about boyfriends. Men lie about wives.

 * Standing Up Dates
 * Stood up at the last minute to a Rolling Stones concert.
 * Getting stood up trying one of those dating services.
 * I showed up at her door as she was going out with friends. She had forgot all about our date.
 * Getting stood up is one of the most common complaints from men about women. I've heard no complaints from women about getting stood up by men.
 * Tell dates to meet you at your office or home. Your date can be late—or not show up at all—and you have not been inconvenienced.

 * Negative, Demanding, Critical
 * Feminine individuals (including feminine men) behave in a way that is appropriate to child rearing, and can be over possessive or protective and tend to be introverts. Masculine individuals (including masculine women) behave in ways that are appropriate to social cohesion and may be over prescriptive or arrogant or excessively extrovert.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Relationships/Dating


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Relationships/Sex

Sex is used both as a noun and a verb. Sexual reproduction requires a male semen to inseminate a female ovum or egg. Commonly sex, as a verb comprises a broad range of human behavior involving direct or indirect stimulation of the genitalia. Sex includes physiological, psychological, social and cultural aspects. The concept of what constitutes normal human sexual activity varies greatly between different human societies and cultures. A society's collective views on both gender and sexuality are reflected in its art and popular culture. In all societies there are laws or rules governing overt sexual conduct in public and some societies also regulate private sexual activities closely.

Physiological aspects
The emotional turmoil of visual attraction is a strong and a sometimes confusing stimulus which occurs about the time of puberty, as sexual excitement can be initiated at a subconscious level. Not only visual cues, but auditory, tactile even olfactory triggers can initiate the process. Beyond some confusion, wanted sexual activity is always pleasurable unless there are psychological of physical issues that generate discomfort. For example, gently stimulating the genitalia is usually pleasurable both for men and women, and can lead to a climax or orgasm; this is intensely pleasurable, the highest sexual sensation that motivates the activity.

Children may experience sexual arousal, either by active stimulation of themselves or by engaging in activities that inadvertently arouse. For example, certain gymnastic activities may stimulate the sex organs. Where the stimulation is deliberate it is called masturbation, because it does not involve potentially reproductive activity.

Masturbation is a natural sexual practice that begins after puberty. It often begins alone and becomes a way of sexually pleasuring oneself without a partner. Masturbation can also be shared with a partner, and this is usually called Mutual Masturbation.

Touching and kissing are important sexual behavior. Gentle touching can be sexually stimulating, even when this touch occurs on parts of the body not generally associated with sex like the hands, feet and neck. In modern Western culture, kissing is viewed as an expression of affection.

Generally kissing (osculation) may be either a mere social greeting (kissing cheeks, for example) or an intense sexual activity (usually kissing lips). French kissing involves stimulating lips and tongues with both partners' mouths open.

Sexuality is an expression of gender. The reason for a person's sexual orientation (preference for heterosexual or homosexual activity) is not known. Many theories have been proposed including: genetic factors; hormone exposure during pregnancy and personal experimentation in early life. However no reliable research has provided confirmation of any of these theories. Some people prefer different activities with same sex partners and members of the opposite sex, and are described as bi-sexual.

When human sexual function is impaired it is called sexual dysfunction. One common sexual dysfunction is a decrease in sex drive or libido. This can happen to either men or women and is sometimes brought about by stress. Men can suffer from erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction is sometimes related to cardiovascular health, and it can often be treated effectively with medicines.

 * 1) The sebaceous glands in the mouth and lips release sexually stimulating chemicals. Smoking, alcohol, breath fresheners, and garlic mask these chemicals, and therefore may make it less enjoyable to kiss.

In the brain, the area for orgasms is next to the area for feet sensation. Therefore many people experience pleasure from foot washing or massage.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
There are a number of harmful diseases which are transmitted through body fluids (including semen, vaginal fluid, and pre-ejaculatory fluid). These are referred to as STDs, short for "sexually transmitted diseases". Monogamy (having a single sex partner), where both partners are monogamous, will limit exposure to STDs. Individuals who have had two, three, or four partners have a 3-5% likelihood of contracting an STD. This percentage jumps ten times (to 28-35%) for promiscuous men and women with more than twenty sexual partners. Safe sex is a set of techniques and behaviors designed to reduce the likelihood of the transmission of STDs. These behaviors include limiting sex partners and the use of barrier protection like condoms.

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are virulent and so should be treated early as soon as you are aware of a problem. Untreated STDs have a wide range of debilitating and enduring health effects. Regular check-ups may detect diseases before any obvious symptoms appear, and all diseases are easier to treat when detected early.

Many people with STDs are symptom-free, unaware of their infections, and untreated. Consequently a majority of people who are infected are unaware of it. Some people who know they have an STD will not admit it. According to one study, 75% of HIV-positive men and women who know they are infected do not inform casual sex partners. Because of this, it is important for partners to communicate with each other about their history, and about the very real risk of STDs.

Birth control
Conception is a result of a male penis ejaculating semen inside or near a female vagina, and is properly called sexual intercourse. In some cultures sexual activity is regarded as a harmless amusement between consenting adults and children are not wanted. Casual sexual activity can however be emotionally damaging to some people. Even within a stable loving relationship the conception of children may have to be regulated and with proper care and planning modern contraceptives are generally effective. No method or combination of methods except sterilisation is 100% reliable.

Most hormonal contraceptive options that exist are for use by women. The choices are many and varied, including:

 * Condoms, which unlike the others can be used by men or women. Male condoms are generally more effective in practice than female condoms in preventing conception. When used correctly male condoms are effective in preventing the spread of STDs. Male condoms that are correctly used break about 2% of the time. Male condoms are about 98% effective in preventing pregnancy and female condoms about 75%.
 * Birth control pills are used by women and they work by elevating hormone levels so that ovulation is prevented. When these pills are used exactly according to instructions they are 99.7% effective in preventing pregnancy. However with imperfect use they are 92% effective. They do not offer any protection against STDs.
 * "Emergency contraceptives" or "morning-after pills" are hormone pills which can be used within the first 72 hours after sex to prevent pregnancy with a 89% effectiveness.
 * The Rhythm Method, or limiting sexual activity to a time when the woman is not ovulating was once promoted as a natural method of birth control acceptable to people of strong religious objections to modern contraceptives. It is thought to be on average only about 75% effective in practice, and does not offer protection against STDs.

Social and cultural aspects
Sexuality is a fundamental human behavior that dramatically affects relationships between human beings. Sexual behaviors can be governed by implied rules of behavior and the status quo. Who should be chosen as a sexual partner, and when sexual behaviors should occur are often governed by social conventions. Sexuality influences social norms and society in turn influences the manner in which sexuality can be expressed. Various cultures and societies have laws that govern sex and sexuality.

Marriage
One way that society influences sexuality is through formal social institutions called marriage. Monogamous marriage is most common, involving one man and one woman. Polygamous marriages are permitted in some cultures and usually involve one man and several women. Polyandry—one woman with several husbands—is rare.

A societal benefit of marriage is that it formalizes the bond between sexual partners and can form a stable pair who are committed to raising children. Some studies have shown benefits of a stable marriage for the children of the married pair.

Marriage can also have benefits for the individuals who marry. According to one study, a large percentage of married people in the US say they are very or extremely satisfied with their sex lives. . Twice as many single individuals suffer from stress, compared to married individuals (25% vs. 13%). Married men and married women have the same stress levels, on average. Married people report more sexual satisfaction than singles.

Consent
One social and legal convention is consent. The nature of consent varies across cultures, but the essence is that both partners must be willing to enter into the activity and in the right state of mind to make the decision. In some legal systems the absence of consent may be considered a crime—that is, actual, not presumed consent is required.

The age at which a person can legally give consent varies across the world. Most countries have a minimum age of consent between 13 and 18. Some have a minimum age of 12 years old, some as high as 20 years old and other countries require you to be married before engaging in sexual intercourse. In addition a few countries also have a different age limit for men and women. Many countries ban homosexual intercourse outright and other countries have a higher age of consent for homosexual intercourse (although all European Union countries have now equalized the minimum age for heterosexual and homosexual intercourse).

According to the law in many US states, people who have sexual intercourse with a drunk partner are committing rape, because a drunk person is unable to meaningfully consent.

Incestuous relationship
An incestuous sexual relationship is one between two individuals who are biologically related. The most fundamental type of incest is between child and parent. However, incest also occurs between siblings and between more distant relatives (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins).

Incest is generally considered a taboo (forbidden) in most cultures, even an indication of sexual abuse. However, some societies have been very active in preventing abuses and others seem to tolerate them. Recently (2000-2015) incestuous relationships have become more common and accepted in some areas, especially when both parties are over the age of consent. In some jurisdictions incest is legal, as long as there is no force or coercion and both parties are over the age of consent.

While the taboo is often strongly rooted in a culture's religious inclination, there are biological factors that makes this type of relationships problematic if they result in offspring. Incest potentiates the expression of genetic defects, diminishes the normal evolution of the immune system, and even reduces the biodiversity of the biotic fauna. Humans have understood this problem over the ages with their experiences in animal rearing and so consanguinity, as something to avoid, has become intrinsic in most cultures over the ages.

Note, however, that technology-assisted reproduction has murkled the waters even more. Today a mother can have the child of her daughter or a father may be a donor to a infertile son. Since these are not considered "natural sexual relations" they have not met with many cultural objections; in some societies there is religious opposition.

title: Relationships/Sex


text:
Relationships/Couples

Permanently Passive Women
Women stuck in the passive, choosing gender role do not move from dating into a relationship.

E.g., a woman works hard on her clothes and make-up, to attract men. She read The Rules, so plays "hard to get." She expects a man to work to please her, e.g., give her flowers and gifts and attention. After sex, she wants to be rewarded with more flowers and gifts and attention.

After sex, the man hopes that the relationship will become easier, not harder. He wants her to call and ask him out. He sees other women calling their boyfriends. He thinks that is the way relationships should be.

He is unsure whether she likes him. On the one hand, she has sex with him. On the other hand, she never calls.

He slacks off, waiting for her to call. She thinks he is a cad. He thinks she is lazy and self-centered. The relationship goes into a downward spiral.

Men reject (or cheat on) permanently passive women, no matter how beautiful such a woman is.

Permanent Pursuers
Men stuck in the active, courting gender role do not move from dating into a relationship.

A man may enjoy the chase—and then get bored when he catches the object of his desire, and move on. Or he tries to impress women with his sports car and dining at expensive restaurants, but bores them by talking about his car and his career, and the women break off the relationships.

Switch Genders Roles for Commitment
Instead, picture a couple reversing gender roles. She actively guides the direction of the relationship (traditionally into commitment and marriage). He intelligently makes good choices.

E.g., she calls and asks him out. She risks hurt feelings if he says no. If he says "yes," she shows up at his apartment and brings him flowers. She drives him to his softball game. She cheers whenever he hits the ball. Then they go out with his team to a steakhouse. He can drink all the beer he wants, because she is driving. She laughs at his jokes. Then they go back to her apartment, where she makes his favorite dessert. What she is doing is how men normally date women. It is not normal behavior for a woman.

Imagine that the man behaves likes a woman. All he has to do is make intelligent choices. He is thinking that the cute young waitress at the steakhouse smiled when he left a big tip. He has to decide whether to commit to a relationship with the woman he is dating, or to break it off and chase other women.

If he thinks like a man, he will chase the pretty young woman. If he gets her to come home with him, she will smoke like a chimney, drop corn chips on his carpet, and want to use his computer to read her e-mail while he is trying to seduce her.

If he thinks like a woman, he will focus on his partner's good qualities. He will recognize that she makes him happy. He will realize that her shortcomings are unimportant. This is how women normally look at men. It is not how men normally look at women.

Switching Gender Roles Is Difficult
When dating with stereotypical gender roles, men ask women out. Men risk rejection and embarrassment. Each rejection is an emotional "direct hit." Asking women out takes courage. Courage—and controlling our emotions—is something men are good at. We can handle rejection and can figure out—most of the time—whether a woman's "no" means "not this weekend, but ask me again next weekend," or means "never in a million years."

When a woman switches gender roles and asks a man out, she is devastated if he says no. When women switch gender roles they are on unfamiliar ground and easily become lost.

Similarly, men who switch gender roles are on unfamiliar ground. Men can easily slip back into stereotyped gender roles—e.g., when seeing a pretty young woman.

When you switch gender roles, tell your partner. E.g., if a woman switches to using masculine behavior, and her man stays with masculine behavior, they will compete and the relationship will crash. If he switches to feminine behavior, sliding over to the passenger seat, but she does not get into the driver's seat, the relationship will not go anywhere.

"Our Relationship" Talks
Have an "our relationship" conversation to make "the switch" from dating to a relationship. Agree on a time and place for the conversation. Do not surprise your partner. Do not work it in while the two of you are doing something else.

Stay in contrasexual gender roles. If you are a woman, talk about where you want to take him. Say this both literally—e.g., "I'd like to take you for a weekend at the beach"—and where you want to take the relationship—e.g., whether you want marriage.

If your man rejects your requests, handle his rejections in the masculine style by asking whether he means "not now, but maybe later" or "never in a million years." E.g., you may learn that he does not want marriage now, but he is open to the idea a few years in the future.

If you are a man, tell your woman how much you appreciate her good qualities. Discuss her faults but stay in the feminine style of saying that you can live with her faults.

If she did something that is intolerable to you, do not angrily end the relationship without telling her what she did to anger you. She will not figure out that she did something wrong. You will be so mad that you will do something to anger her. Then she will angrily end the relationship.

The conclusion of an "our relationship" talk should be ways that each partner can be an individual, yet the two of you are a couple. E.g., if your sport is running, go to track workouts together. He runs with the men. She runs with the women. They are always in sight of each other, but each does his or her own workout. For more about self-differentiation, see Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (1997).

Resistance to Commitment
Poor relationship skills are a vicious circle. Poor dating skills make finding a partner difficult. When you find a partner, you are afraid of losing the person. You want a commitment. But your poor relationship skills make your partner unhappy, and unwilling to make a commitment. Your commitment is an empty promise, because no one else wants you.

If you do not have a choice of partners, do not ask for a commitment. Instead, improve your attractiveness. You might attract someone else's attention. Then you can ask your partner for a commitment. Or your partner may find you to be more attractive.

Life Stages Conflict
Young men see life as four stages:

 * 1) Parents and school—no freedom—for 22 years.
 * 2) Freedom. Maybe he will travel around the world, working odd jobs in exotic locations. Maybe he will start his own company, taking financial risk. Maybe he will go to Hollywood, work as a waiter, and break into acting.
 * 3) Marriage and children—again, no freedom for 25 years. He will have to work long hours in a dull, safe career, to pay for a wife, mortgage, and mini-van.
 * 4) Retirement. Young men do not think that old guys climb mountains, travel around the world, or break into acting.

To men, the adolescent life stage—questing for treasure and a princess—is the most important. This is Life with a capital L. How much a man accomplishes in this act sets the stage for the rest of his life.

Women see the adult life stage—family and community—as what life is all about. A generation ago, young women skipped the adolescent life stage. They went straight from their father's house into marriage. They never received approval for individual accomplishment. This led to anger, repression, or depression.

Young women today want to have an adolescent life stage, but on a smaller scale than men. E.g., a young woman may want to work at a dot-com, when a young man wants to start the company. Young women want to graduate from college, have two or three years of fun with their boyfriends, marry by 25, have a few more years of fun, and become pregnant by 28.

Women want their adolescent life stage to last five years. Men need the adolescent life stage to last as long as it takes to accomplish everything. A man with big dreams—or a man who fails repeatedly—can spend decades in his adolescent life stage. Psychologists call such a man a puer, or flying boy (see Hermes).

Men do not settle down until they have completed their adolescent life stage. A man needs to page through Outside magazine and say, "Been there, done that." Then he needs to page through Inc., Car & Driver, and Playboy and say the same thing.

A woman who wants commitment should date older men, who have achieved their goals. Or look for a man with small dreams. Or make her man feel that he has accomplished everything he needs to. Or promise him that marriage will not restrict his freedom.

Deciding Whom to Marry vs. Deciding When to Marry
Men, in general, decide when to marry. E.g., a man expects to marry when he is established in his career and owns a home. Whom he marries is a decision requiring less consideration—he proposes to the woman he is going out with when he is ready to marry.

Women, in general, decide whom to marry. Women expect to meet Prince Charming, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

When men choose whom to marry, they often handle the decision badly. E.g., a man who attracts many women prefers to have several casual relationships instead of switching to feminine sexuality and one monogamous relationship. Or a man who rarely attracts women is unable to tell the rare woman who wants him how much he needs her.

Conversely, men have difficulty deciding not to get involved with women that they are not seriously interested in, if the women want them.

Women have difficulty choosing when to marry. E.g., a woman who wants a family feels increasing anxiety as she approaches 30 without having met Prince Charming. Unlike a man, she does not automatically marry whomever she is going out with when she is ready to marry.

Conversely, women have difficulty choosing when to break off a relationship. E.g., a woman moves in with the first man she sort of likes, and hopes that over time he will improve (see Boyfriend Lies). Or she settles for a man whom she really likes, and accepts a suboptimal relationship—e.g., he lives in another city, or is involved with another woman—and hopes that the relationship improves. Ten years later, these women have invested so much time that they do not want to "cut their losses" and break off their relationships.

Women should instead think more about when they want to marry, and less about whom they want to marry. Women have a relatively narrow time window to marry. Marrying before 26 is unwise because most individuals develop stable adult identities only after 26 (see Developing an Adult Identity). But women who want families should marry by 30, or risk increasing infertility. Additionally, women become less attractive to men as they age (see "Youth," page 23). Because women prefer to marry older men, fewer unmarried men are available as women age (see "Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?" page 96). 28 to 30 is the ideal age for women to marry, depending on each individual woman's maturity and how many children (if any) she desires.

If you are a woman, estimate how many men you have dated in your lifetime. Set a goal to date this many men from now until the date you propose. I.e., use masculine sexuality, dating many potential partners (this does not mean having sex with many partners). Pick the best man and ask him to marry you (that is right—you propose). If you are over 25 and set at least two years for this dating period, you are statistically unlikely to meet a better partner after you have married.

Men should decide whom they want to marry. Do not get involved with women whom you do not want to marry. They will try to stop you from dating other women. Wait until you meet a woman with whom you feel, "I could marry this woman." Then tell her that—even if it is on the first date. Do not try to have casual sex with her or play other games (i.e., you should use feminine sexuality, wanting a monogamous relationship). If she is hesitant, tell her that you will wait until she is ready—even if you have to wait ten years.

title: Relationships/Couples


text:
Relationships/Conflict

Unresolved conflict wastes our time and energy, but resolving conflict makes us better off than we were before the conflict. If we never conflicted, we'd never change, achieve, create, or grow.

Conjunct Relationships
Partners who agree about everything can make each other miserable. E.g., you're fired from your job. You tell your partner that you'll never amount to anything. Your partner agrees. That isn't what you need to hear!

The myth: All relationship problems stem from conflict.

Reality: If both partners are miserable, they're not in conflict. The partners should work on disagreeing. Conflict will help them grow to a new life stage, in which they're no longer miserable.

Opposite Relationships
In an opposite relationship, if you come home in an extreme emotion, e.g., despair, your partner responds with the opposite emotion, e.g., hope. If you lost your job, your partner says that you'll get a better job.

Or you win big in Las Vegas. You feel happy. Without a partner, or with a conjunct partner, you'll place another bet. You don't need a Ph.D. in statistics to know that if you continue to bet, sooner or later you'll lose. But your opposite partner recognizes your overconfidence, and suggests that you quit while you're ahead. You agree, and take your partner out to a romantic restaurant.

Handled well, opposite partners pull each other from emotional extremes to the emotionally neutral center. There each can shift to another emotion. If an opposite relationship is unhappy, try to compromise.

Romantic movies begin with opposite individuals. She's Donald Trump's personal assistant. He's a foot-long hot dog vendor. Over time they grow to appreciate and love each other. We enjoy romantic movies because we recognize that opposite relationships are ideal for two individuals.

 * The myth: Agreement is the basis of happy relationships.
 * Reality: Opposites attract-and create balanced, emotionally healthy relationships.

Triangular Relationships
Think of a three-person relationship you've been in. You had adventures together, bouncing ideas off each other that no one individual would have thought of. Together you felt balanced.

Now recall how you felt with one of these partners, when the third partner was missing. You felt connected to your partner, but in an oblique way. You didn't agree, yet you didn't openly conflict. While such a relationship looks peaceful on the outside, it's confusing for the partners. Attempts to bring the relationship closer misfire, as if each partner can't see exactly where the other is. They can't pull each other to the emotionally neutral center.

E.g., Joe loses his job and comes home feeling down. Mary is watching her favorite television show. Joe sits down with her, but can't get his mind off his troubles. He doesn't want to disturb her so doesn't say anything. Mary notices that Joe is fidgety, but figures that if something is bothering him he'll say something. She continues to enjoy her television show. No conflict occurs, but neither partner's emotions change.

Their third roommate, Chris, comes home. Chris isn't interested in Mary's television show, and notices that Joe seems down. Chris mentions this to Mary. Mary switches off the television, and all three sit down to talk. Together they balance and reach the neutral center. If two individuals are in an unhappy triangular relationship, find the missing third partner.

 * The myth: The only "real" relationships have two partners.
 * Reality: A three-person relationship can be as happy and effective as a two-person relationship.

Square Relationships
When two individuals' personalities relate squarely, the partners are at cross-purposes. The partners expend energy fighting each other. The relationship goes nowhere and produces nothing.

Including a third side of the square changes the heat into light. The energy of the two fighting partners produces creative, innovative achievement for the third partner.

Including the fourth side of the square stops the fighting. The partners' energy now goes entirely to creativity and achievement.

E.g., when I was in graduate school, four classmates and I did a six-month consulting project with a manufacturing company. My classmates agreed about everything. I didn't. Our clients agreed with me. Our professors agreed with my classmates. The four sides of the square were my classmates, me, the client (300 managers and employees), and the two professors.

When we five students got together, we'd verbally fight for hours, day after day, getting nowhere. My classmates even once threatened to beat me up.

The clients disliked my classmates, and avoided working with them. A client manager once threatened to beat up one of my classmates.

But when my classmates and I worked with our clients, we achieved tremendous results. Near the end of the project, we met with seven other teams of students working with other companies. The other teams (all of which had 12 students) had little or no conflict. They reported minor, superficial results. When we reported what we were doing, jaws dropped across the audience. Afterwards, students enviously asked how the five of us had accomplished so much.

Looking back, I wish we'd involved the professors more. On the few occasions when the professors were with us, we didn't fight.

Symbolically, the vertical axis represents the connection between heaven and earth, i.e., our inner connection to spirit. The horizontal axis represents our connection to other people. A square relationship can connect us to other people while helping us grow.

 * The myth: Compromise solves all problems.
 * Reality: Stand your ground, but bring additional partners into the relationship.
 * More reality: A couple can relate differently in different areas of their lives. E.g., a couple might share a hobby, have opposite careers, live with a third person, and participate in a square community relationship (e.g., a school's parents, teachers, administrators, and students).

Larger Groups
Larger groups also can pull an individual from an emotional extreme to the emotionally neutral center. When relationships push women to emotional extremes, they turn to their friends for support.

Men, in contrast, don't talk to other men about their problems. But this is the value of men's issues groups. When men overcome their reluctance and go to a meeting, much comes out. Because of the emotional intensity men experience in these groups, and the resulting personal and spiritual growth, men's groups are often held in churches (e.g., Promise Keepers). Men's groups can also be located through your university or on your newspaper's community events page. (Don't just use an online men's issues group. Talking to each other face-to-face is important-and you might actually like the group hug at the end of the meeting.)

Or start a relationships books reading group at a bookstore café. Ask the bookstore to put your meetings on their calendar of events. Plan a meeting to discuss personal ads, and ask a newspaper's personal ads section to advertise the meeting free. Invite psychologists or your favorite author-me, of course!-as guest speakers. Announce your group on FriendshipCenter.

Dyad Trouble
A dyad is the personality of a couple. When your friends refer to you and your partner as "Betty-and-Bob," as if the two of you were one person, you've become a dyad.

Adolescents don't handle dyads well. A young man who hasn't proven himself in the world-i.e., hasn't developed a strong individual personality-feels threatened by the compromises necessary to form a dyad with his girlfriend.

Young women, in general, are happy to lose themselves in a dyad. But a man can easily manipulate a young woman who lacks a strong individual personality. The young woman may do things against her self-interest, to benefit her partner. She strengthens her dyad personality to make up for her lack of individual personality. If this weakens her individual personality, she goes into a downward spiral. Her growing dyad personality pushes out her individual personality, until she has no individual will.

"A man is more likely to let the relationship suffer to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it."

- David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage (1997)

Young men do this too. E.g., military units eliminate soldiers' individual personalities, substituting the group personality. Recruits are taught that individually they are nothing, but the group they compose is strong.

These gender roles reverse after 40. Older men enjoy losing their individuality in a dyad. Older women enjoy independence.

Staying in Relationships
Two-thirds of unhappily married couples that stay together report happiness five years later. The unhappier the couple, the more likely they are to be happy five years later, if they stay together.

Unhappily married couples who divorce and unhappily married couples who stay together are, five years later, equally happy.

Sometimes an individual blames his or her spouse for his or her unhappiness, when he or she has a deeper, hidden cause of unhappiness. Divorce doesn't solve these individuals' problems.

Divorce sometimes creates problems. Divorce sets in motion events over which the individuals have little control-reactions of children or relatives, or difficulty finding or maintaining a new relationship.

""In two years you will be in a similar room, packing in a similar way, walking out on the next guy, and then two years after that on the next one, and one day you'll look back and say, 'What do I have to show for the last ten years?'"

I kept throwing my clothes and [our daughter's clothes] into the suitcase in one big jumble.

"But," Aaron went on, "you could stay and work this out with me, and in ten years you'll look back and you'll say 'I preserved this family,' and that will be the thing you will be most proud of, no matter what else you do with your life."

I stopped, frozen by the clarity of what he had said about me. There aren't many times in your life you hear a truth so piercing. There was no attack, just a simple assessment of my future.

When the cab came, he sent it away. We talked, we cried, and we agreed to try. It's nineteen years later, and it is the thing I am most proud of."

- Lesley Stahl, Reporting Live (2000)

As a child, you didn't accept responsibility for your failures. When you act like a child, you blame your partner for your issues. Then you repeat the problem in the next relationship. You blame all men or all women for having the same problem.

In the adolescent life stage, your relationships fail, but you expect points for trying. This is better, but you're not ready for marriage.

In the adult life stage, you accept your partner's faults and value her strengths. You stay together even when a relationship isn't perfect. You may also stay together because your children's happiness is more important than your own happiness.

Couples stuck between the adolescent and adult life stages criticize and nag each other. They're consciously determined to stay together (adult life stage), but express unhappiness in ways that makes the partner aware of his or her failure (adolescent life stage). Or, worse, a spouse uses childhood finality to express unhappiness (e.g., "You never do anything right.").

"Couples who are destined for divorce start out an argument in anger, criticize, show contempt for each other, and act defensively. When one tries to make peace, the other refuses. Quite often one (usually the woman) will [emotionally] overwhelm the other, who withdraws emotionally....Over months and years of arguing like this, couples amass so many bad memories that one or both of them just give up."

- Norman Rosenthal, The Emotional Revolution (2002)

Consumer Reports found that marital counseling received the lowest ratings, compared to patients seeking help for other problems. Only about 35% of couples experience long-term benefit form marital counseling.

In general, marital counseling help couples who are experiencing communication problems. But psychologists are notorious for only working on communication problems, and ignoring other issues.

==References==

title: Relationships/Conflict


text:
Relationships/Zeus-Hera

Zeus

 * Celebrities : John F. Kennedy, William Shatner (Captain Kirk on Star Trek), Alan Alda,Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, Jesse Jackson, Sean Connery.

 * Hairstyle : A full head of hair, graying at the temples.

 * Shoes : $1300 polished black Allen-Edmonds.1

 * Favorite Movie : The Godfather, starring Marlon Brando (1972).

 * Mythology : Hades, Poseidon,and Zeus drew lots for their kingdoms. Zeus got the sky, Poseidon the seas, and Hades the underworld. They agreed to share the earth. Instead, Zeus dominated the earth and the humans who later inhabited it. The Romans knew Zeus as Jupiter.

 * Emotional Control System : The sense of self enables power, freedom, and dominance. Too little Zeus energy causes impotence or passive-aggression.

 * Life Purpose : Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades were the "alpha"males of the Greek pantheon. Zeus men conform to society's rules. A Zeus man seeks a public identity-usually a career-that matches his inner sense of self-importance.

 * Shadow
 * Zeus men are status-seekers. A Zeus man may use deception to create the appearance of success. He may sacrifice his subordinates. He may claim credit for another person's work. He may blame another person for his failures.
 * As the sky god, Zeus saw in wide overviews. He didn't have his feet on the ground. Zeus men can be ungrounded, out of touch with reality. They believe in positive thinking. They tune out negative facts and feelings. E.g., employees say that a "reality distortion field" surrounds Steve Jobs.
 * A Zeus man may work for years to achieve success, then find that it's not what he expected. He spends his life climbing a mountain-then realizes that he climbed the wrong mountain.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Zeus is represented in astrology by Capricorn (integrity, or matching one's personal nature with one's public identity), the 10th House (of Career), and the planet Jupiter. Zeus is Enneagram personality type #3, the Status-Seeker.

 * Sex : Zeus had sex with any beautiful woman he fancied-and paid the price with a jealous and vengeful wife. Zeus men keep mistresses. But Zeus men aren't great lovers. Their focus on power stunts their emotional maturity.

 * Meeting : To meet Zeus men, be young and beautiful and have a rich and powerful father.

Hera

"As far as I am concerned, I never really lived until I met Ronnie. Oh, I know that this is not the popular admission these days....But Ronnie is my reason for being happy. Without him, I'd be quite miserable and have no real purpose or direction in life."

- Nancy Reagan

 * Celebrities : Yousef; Hairstyle : Big hair. Sleeps in rollers.

 * Shoes : Anne Klein slingbacks.

 * Favorite Movie : The Stepford Wives, starring Katherine Ross (1975).

 * Mythology : Hera was the wife of Zeus. She jealously and cruelly persecuted Zeus's lovers and their children. The Romans knew Hera as Juno.

 * Emotional Control System< : Hera energy is about tradition, ritual, and ceremony.

 * Life Purpose : A Hera woman's life purpose is to embody her culture's traditions. She uses awareness of the past to create group cohesion. She makes individuals feel they are part of a group by reminding them what the group did in the past.

 * Shadow
 * Women who embody Hera often marry doctors, lawyers, or other successful men. But they don't really love their husbands. They love being a successful wife.
 * Hera women love children who behave properly. But when their children don't fit their ideals, Hera women disconnect or even abandon their children. E.g., look at Nancy Reagan and her non-relationships with daughter Patti and son Ronnie.
 * Too much Hera energy makes an individual a caricature of whom she thinks she is. Too little makes an individual not take anything seriously.
 * Some women today reject Hera. They remember their mothers in the 1950s or 1960s, dependent and self-sacrificing. But pushing Hera into the shadow can cause a woman to feel emptiness, or incompleteness. Such a woman should consciously bring Hera's rituals into her life, in ways that don't betray her ideals.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Hera is represented in astrology by Libra (balancing two people or forces) and the 7th House (of Marriage and open enemies). Hera is Enneagram personality type #3, the Status-Seeker.

 * Sex : To Hera women, sex is part of marriage.

 * Meeting : To meet Hera women, make lots of money. Then join a country club, go to art museum benefits, and other society events.

Zeus-Hera Marriage
A Zeus-Hera marriage tempers power with tradition. A couple that successfully uses this energy increases their social status.

 * Zeus : Zeus men see women as either marriageable-beautiful daughters of wealthy, prominent families-or women for sex. They use marriage in their rise to power, e.g., marrying the boss's daughter. Once in power, they go for the beautiful young nymphs.

 * Hera
 * Hera women subscribe to wedding magazines. A Hera woman's wedding is the most important day of her life.
 * A Hera woman may mistakenly marry an Apollo man. Apollo men aren't leaders. She'll push him into a CEO position in which he'll fail, when he would've been a successful vice-president. She'll ruin his career and then divorce him.

 * Under Stress
 * Under stress, Zeus and Hera becomes Dionysus. When "the going gets tough," a Zeus man or Hera woman loses emotional coldness and distance. A wounded, human side comes out. At best, he becomes a hero-and becomes sexy to women. She becomes a "real person"-and sexy to men.
 * At worst, a Zeus man or a Hera woman becomes hysterical, or turns to another side of Dionysus-alcohol.

 * When Safe : When safe, Zeus and Hera becomes Poseidon. They continue to be "alpha," but "lets their hair down" and show emotions.

==References==

title: Relationships/Zeus-Hera


text:
Relationships/Poseidon-Athena

Poseidon

 * Celebrities : George S. Patton, Che Guevara, Fidel Castro, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Lee Lewis, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Larry Flynt, Kurt Cobain.

 * Hairstyle : Not recently cut-a roughneck.

 * Shoes : Cowboy boots.

 * Favorite Movie : Death Wish, starring Charles Bronson (1974).

 * Mythology
 * Poseidon ruled the seas. He was discontent that Zeus controlled the earth. Poseidon repeatedly-and always unsuccessfully- rebelled against Zeus. The Romans knew Poseidon as Neptune.
 * Poseidon's sons were monsters-giant Cyclops. But father and sons were loyal to each other. After Odysseus blinded Poseidon's son Polyphemus, Poseidon vindictively pursued Odysseus for 20 years.
 * Poseidon's animal was the horse. Horses symbolize masculine emotions. The prairies are like oceans. ; Emotional Control System : Poseidon symbolized intense, irrational emotions-limbic emotion unmediated by cerebral cortex cognition.

 * Life Purpose
 * A Poseidon man's life purpose is to lead a band of rebels. He needs friends who are loyal to him, but rebellious against society's rules.
 * Poseidon men experience deeper emotions than other men. Other men express emotions as if they're splashing in the waves at the beach. Poseidon men experience the depths of the soul. Poseidon men can be great artists or poets.
 * Poseidon energy is the "wild man" of the mythopoetic men's movement. The women's movement is about careers, power, and justice. The men's movement is about feeling and expressing emotions. The wild man is instinctive, untamed, and in touch with nature. Robert Bly, in his book Iron John, shows contemporary men how to get in touch with their wild man. Bly shows how to use this strength to become a courageous and loving man.

 * Shadow
 * Poseidon men live in two worlds: the ocean depths of emotion, and the dry land of society. A Poseidon man lives in the civilized world by repressing his emotions and presenting a calm, smooth surface. But sooner or later his bottled-up emotions become a furious storm.

": Kurt [Cobain] was a complicated, contradictory misanthrope....He professed in many interviews to detest the exposure he'd gotten on MTV, yet he would call his managers to complain when the network didn't play his videos often enough. He planned every musical or career direction, writing out ideas in his journals years before he was able to execute them. Yet, as soon as he was bestowed the honors he had sought, he acted as if they were a terrible inconvenience. He was a man of imposing will, yet he was equally driven by a powerful self-hatred."

- Charles R. Cross

 * Poseidon men resent Zeus men. E.g., a Poseidon man may experience disaster when he attempts to run a business. And Poseidon men aren't good losers. Zeus men believe that they play by the rules-with the help of Apollo lawyers-and win fair and square. But a Poseidon man who doesn't understand the rules feels that he was cheated.

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Poseidon becomes Zeus. When "the going gets tough," Poseidon men seek power and status-and often fail. E.g., on March 30, 1981, a mentally ill gunman shot President Ronald Reagan. Vice-President George H. W. Bush was in an airplane.
 * There was chaos in the press room....[Secretary of State Alexander] Haig went directly to the rostrum. Until that moment he had been intensely focused on the crisis and had been steady, although testy and combative. Now I could see his knuckles turn white as he grasped the lectern; his arms shook and his knees began to wobble.
 * PRESS REPRESENTATIVE: Who is making the decisions for the government right now?
 * HAIG: As of now, I am in control here, in the White House.
 * The Constitution passes control to the Vice-President, and then to the Congress. Americans ridiculed Haig for his gaffe. He suddenly resigned several months later. (Haig now is "in control" of infomercials in Boca Raton, Florida.)

 * When Safe : When safe, Poseidon becomes Dionysus. Find Poseidon cowboys down at the honky-tonk, imbibing libations to Dionysus, selecting emotionally wounded country-western songs on the jukebox, and attracting women.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Poseidon is represented in astrology by Aquarius (rebellion) and the 11th House (of Friends). Poseidon is Enneagram personality type #6, the Devil's Advocate.

 * Sex : an interaction between two people, that generally creats a child unless there is protection involved to stop this case.

 * Meeting : To meet Poseidon men, take up sailing, get a horse, or go to a blues club.

Athena

 * Celebrities : Judges, prosecutors, executives, teachers.

 * Hairstyle : Athena wore a helmet. Athena women wear their hair styled to look like a helmet.

 * Shoes : Low-heeled pumps.

 * Favorite Television Series : The X-Files, starring Gillian Anderson.

 * Mythology : Athena was the goddess of cities, military and political strategy, and crafts (e.g., weaving, pottery, metal smithing). She protected and advised heroic men, e.g., Perseus, Jason, Odysseus, and Heracles (Hercules). The Romans knew Athena as Minerva. Her animal was the owl.

 * Emotional Control System : Fearful anticipation of the future. Athena was born wearing armor. Athena energy is worry, fear, vigilance, and defense. Athena is active when you put on a helmet for a bike ride, change the battery in your smoke detector, and lock your door at night. Too little Athena energy is reckless or "happy go lucky."

 * Life Purpose
 * An Athena woman's life goal is perfection. She's judgmental, critical, conscientious, clean, thrifty, and efficient. She expresses criticism, but her criticism of others is minor compared to her inner self-criticism.
 * Things have to be a certain way. "Love" and "perfect" merge. She expects to feel love only in a perfect relationship, in a perfect home.

 * Shadow : Overactive Athena energy becomes paranoia or phobia.
 * Ethics problems. : Athena women can't stand people who break the rules. This isn't the same as being ethical-ethics require compassion. Athena women will follow (or enforce) the rules even when the result is unethical. E.g., in 1979, Hillary Clinton earned $100,000 profit on a $1,000 investment in cattle futures. She never suspected that her brokers were making fraudulent trades to bribe her husband. She didn't break any rules, but allowed questionable conduct to happen around her.
 * The Medusa effect. : Medusa was a monster with serpents instead of hair. Her gaze turned people into stone. Athena helped Perseus kill Medusa. Then Athena used Medusa's head as one of her symbols. Athena women can intellectually dissect an opponent, making the person feel she is "turning to stone" and unable to think or speak. Athena women can take the life out of a party or conversation. The "Medusa effect" can destroy a relationship.
 * Gender problems. : Athena girls consider other girls to be silly. They prefer to play with boys. Athena killed her childhood friend Pallas (granddaughter of Poseidon and Amphitrite) in a competitive game. Similarly, Athena women's competitiveness can kill their friendships with other women. Athena executives can be unsupportive of other women, especially lower-status women such as secretaries. But, as Athena grieved for Pallas, Athena women later grieve for their lost friendships.
 * "Ladies Against Women." : Athena supported Orestes in his trial for murdering his mother Clytemnestra. This symbolized the new patriarchy succeeding the old matriarchy. Athena women defend men against women's interests. E.g., Phyllis Schlafly led the 1970s fight against the Equal Rights Amendment. Athena women support feminist principles as long as the issue is workplace equality. Don't expect support for other feminist issues.
 * Lack of nurturing. : Athena mothers hire nannies to raise their children. They'd rent surrogate mothers to produce the babies, if they could. They can be good mothers of competitive, extroverted, intellectual children-but not of sensitive, physical, or emotional children.

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Athena women become Hestia. They become melodramatic. Gardening, nature, children, and pets help them reduce stress. They see in these creatures purity, without rules or judgment.

 * When Safe : When safe, Athena women become Hermes or Aphrodite. With friends they become charming and happy. They like weekend "New Age" personal growth retreats, if the messages from the gods are upbeat.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Athena is represented in astrology by Taurus (security) and the 2nd House (of Money). Athena is Enneagram personality type #1, the Judge.

 * Sex : Athena was one of the three virgin goddesses., Athena women like men and are happiest in professional relationships with men. But keep your hands to yourself-she doesn't want the emotional entanglements of sex.

 * Meeting : To meet Athena women, go to professional conferences.

Poseidon-Athena
A Poseidon-Athena tempers emotions with prudence. A couple that successfully uses this energy express feelings without getting into trouble.

 * Poseidon : Poseidon wanted to marry the sea nymph Amphitrite. He tried to dominate her. She didn't want to marry him, and fled. She agreed only when Poseidon sent a dolphin to talk to her. Poseidon men should work on their ability to communicate with women-or ask a friend to talk for them.

 * Athena
 * Athena women go for heroes-e.g., Perseus, Jason, Odysseus, Heracles. Sensitive, compassionate, romantic men don't attract Athena women. They want powerful "alpha" males, preferably waving swords.
 * Athena women typically marry Zeus men, e.g., Hillary and Bill Clinton. Statues of Zeus and Athena show her standing guard beside her seated king. But this isn't a good marriage choice. The Athena woman will endlessly defend her husband's mistakes- including his endless philandering.
 * Another bad marriage choice is an Apollo man. They'll have lousy sex.
 * Athena women should marry Poseidon men-but only heroic Poseidon men. \ One of Athena's gifts to humanity was the bridle, to control horses. He'll keep her emotions active, i.e., stop her from "living in her head." She'll keep him integrated into society, i.e., employed and out of jail. E.g., Athena restrained Achilles from drawing his sword in anger against his leader, Agamemnon. Expect titanic battles, but in the long run they'll balance and mature.

Athena-Poseidon romances are a popular movie and television theme-the cool businesswoman and the troubled-but-passionate man. E.g., on Cheers, Sam and Diane's on-again, off-again romance entertained viewers for five years. In Broadcast News (1987), Athena news producer Holly Hunter chooses between Apollo reporter Albert Brooks and Poseidon news anchor William Hurt. In The Abyss (1989), Ed Harris plays a cowboy-style foreman on a sea floor oil drilling rig. Events bring his ex-wife, an engineering manager played by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, to his undersea palace.

==References==

title: Relationships/Poseidon-Athena


text:
Relationships/Apollo-Artemis

 * Celebrities : Robert McNamara, Leonard Nimoy (Spock) on Star Trek; George H. W. Bush, law professors and legal scholars.

 * Hairstyle : curly and golden.

 * Shoes : $150 tasseled loafers.

 * Favorite Television Series : Masterpiece Theater every Sunday night on PBS.

 * Mythology
 * Apollo was the Sun god, the lawgiver, and the god of art, music, and poetry. With the motto "Nothing in excess," this was art of good taste and moderation.
 * Apollo became god of prophecy after killing the oracular serpent Python. This symbolized an archaic goddess of prophecy superseded by the rule of law. Today we use laws to make prophecies, e.g., "If you park in that handicapped space you'll get a ticket." Or we use Oracle(r) computer databases to predict everything from elections to economics.

 * Emotional Control System
 * The right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex processes new information. It's connected to the limbic brain, and so we incorrectly say that emotions are "right brain." Saying that the right hemisphere is more holistic is more accurate.
 * The left hemisphere, in contrast, analyzes information and creates logic, associations, and abstractions. Language is produced in the left hemisphere. The left hemisphere develops later in utero than the right hemisphere, and is thought to have evolved later.
 * New ideas usually arise from a person with all three brain systems integrated. Apollo men dislike new ideas. They prefer the classics, which can be appreciated solely with one's left hemisphere.

 * Life Purpose : Like the Sun, an Apollo man's life purpose is to illuminate the darkness, via clear thinking following abstract principles. These men shine. They're "bright."

 * Shadow
 * Apollo was Zeus's son. Apollo men function best as vice-presidents or the "right hand man" of a powerful leader. These men aren't leaders.
 * Apollo men observe events without getting emotionally involved. Their lives can become detached or compartmentalized. They dislike spontaneity. They want to see a schedule before committing to attend an event. They like to read a book-or every book on a subject-before beginning a project.

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Apollo becomes Demeter. When the going gets tough, an Apollo second-in-command takes care of the subordinates that the Zeus leader forgets about.

 * When Safe : When safe, Apollo men become Artemis/Ares/Hephaestus. Their hobbies are goal-directed, e.g., collecting stamps. Apollo men are sports fans. They can work hard when they feel safe.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Apollo isn't represented in astrology. Apollo could be represented by Enneagram personality type #1 (The Reformer), but the other competency types (E3 The Performer and E5 The Observer) could also be used as all three types are disconnected from their emotional center and prefer to use logic to solve problems.

 * Sex : Schedule it into his Daytimer or it won't happen.

 * Meeting : Go to business school. You'll meet many bright, capable Apollo men-but you might not be able to tell one from another.

Artemis

 * Celebrities : "Jo" in Little Women, Amelia Earhart, Gloria Steinem, Aretha Franklin, Jane Fonda, Princess Mononoke, Nike ads for women.

 * Hairstyle : Short, windblown.

 * Shoes : Athletic shoes, hiking boots.

 * Favorite Movie : Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver (1979).

 * Mythology : Artemis roamed the wilderness with her band of nymphs and her pack of dogs. As a hunter and an archer, her arrows always hit her target. Women who embody Artemis are goal-oriented. They enjoy "the chase" of elusive quarry. Their perseverance leads to accomplishment and achievement. Artemis rescued anyone (especially women) in physical danger who appealed for her help. Artemis was the goddess of childbirth. The Romans knew Artemis as Diana.

 * Emotional Control System : Artemis energy is about seeking and anticipation-the goal-directed search for food, shelter, mates, etc.

 * Life Purpose : An Artemis woman's life purpose is to achieve goals.

 * Shadow
 * Too much Artemis energy results in endless searching, to the point of exhaustion. Or an Artemis woman can be "so focused on her own aims and undistracted that she fails to notice the feelings of others around her."
 * Artemis's shadow includes contempt for vulnerability, and difficulties with intimacy. She was associated with goal-directed, merciless, destructive rage:

": Outrage at wrongs done, loyalty to others, strength to express a point of view, and a propensity to take action can be very positive characteristics of Artemis and Artemis women. But the mercilessness of the punishment they mete out can be appalling. [E.g., 1970s feminists raged at men] with intense hostility that was often out of proportion to the particular provocation."

- Jean Shinoda Bolen, Goddesses in Everywoman (1984)

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Artemis becomes her brother Apollo. Artemis women think clearly and unemotionally under pressure.

 * When Safe : When safe, Artemis becomes Demeter. When they can, Artemis women help less-fortunate individuals.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Artemis isn't represented in astrology. Artemis is Enneagram personality type #8, the Boss.

 * Sex
 * Artemis women see sex as an adventure. For them, sex is a recreational sport, not an expression of commitment (Hera) or an occasion for sensuality (Aphrodite).
 * A lesbian Artemis woman will have many friends, a band of nymphs looking for adventure. If her lover is another Artemis woman (her "identical twin") she should consider whether her partner is her best friend or her romantic lover. She may better off with a more feminine lover-the goddess and her nymph.

 * Meeting : To attract an Artemis woman, be civilized, radiantly sunny, and pray to Aphrodite for help.

Apollo-Artemis Marriage
An Apollo-Artemis marriage tempers goal-seeking (and adventure) with good sense. A couple that successfully uses this energy achieves their goals-and has stories to tell their grandchildren.

 * Apollo : Apollo men approach marriage as they approach applying to law school. They rationally decide whether a woman will be a good match, rather than acting on passion or impulse.

": For a relationship with an Artemis woman, a man shouldn't be Orion, the hunter and Ares archetype. Her competitive nature unintentionally caused his death. Challenge her, and she'll obsess until she wins-another man to beat.
 * Artemis
 * But if he moves closer emotionally, wants to marry her, or becomes dependent on her, the excitement of the "hunt" is over. Moreover, she may lose interest or feel contempt for him if he shows "weakness" by needing her. As a result, an Artemis woman may have a series of relationships that go well only as long as the man keeps some emotional distance and is not always available."

- Jean Shinoda Bolen, Goddesses in Everywoman (1984)

 * The lasting relationship for an Artemis woman is with an Apollo man. Apollo was her twin brother. Her domain was the wilderness. His was the city. He was the Sun god. She was the Moon goddess. He was the god of domesticated animals. She was the goddess of wild animals. He was the god of laws. She lived in the wilderness, away from civilized laws.
 * This relationship starts as brother and sister. The Artemis woman may have another boyfriend (or girlfriend). Give her space to roam, and she'll be back at your door when she's "in town."
 * Apollo and Artemis work well together because they both tend towards being emotional 'escape artists'. Apollo lives in the intellect to the exclusion of emotion.  Artemis is very threatened by emotional attachment, and so Apollo's lack of emotional involvement allows her room to breathe.

 * The story of Atalanta and Hippomenes shows how to marry an Artemis woman.
 * Atalanta was a beautiful princess. She enjoyed hunting and sports. Many men wanted to marry her. She promised to marry the first man to outrun her in a race. Losers were immediately killed. Atalanta won race after race. This is a metaphor that competing with an Artemis woman kills the relationship.
 * Unathletic Hippomenes (an Apollo man) truly loved her. He decided that death was better than life without her. He prayed to Aphrodite for help. Aphrodite gave him three golden apples.
 * When Atalanta took off ahead of Hippomenes, he threw the first golden apple into her path. She stopped to pick it up. She saw her face reflected, but distorted by the curving apple. She realized that she would not be young and beautiful forever. Someday her body would sag like the reflection in the apple.
 * Hippomenes passed her as she pondered this insight. Atalanta took off again, repassing him. He threw the second golden apple. When she stopped to pick it up, Aphrodite caused Atalanta to see in the shiny apple her dead lover, Meleager. She yearned when she remembered their physical and emotional closeness.
 * Hippomenes passed Atalanta again. She took off and repassed him again. He threw the last golden apple. When she stopped to pick it up, Demeter caused Atalanta to see her reflection, surrounded by loving children. Atalanta was transfixed by the realization that she wanted a family. Hippomenes ran across the finish line. They married that afternoon.

==References==

title: Relationships/Apollo-Artemis


text:
Relationships/Hermes-Hestia

Hermes

 * Celebrities : Giacomo Casanova, George Custer, Woody Guthrie, Marshall McLuhan, Woody Allen, Ronald Reagan (he only played Zeus), Warren Beatty, Sting, Howard Stern.

 * Hairstyle : Long enough to suggest wings growing out of his head. In most instances, Hermes has a bald head, one of power and contiguity. One can say, that looking at his head, they might feel a bright shot of light beam at them.

 * Mythology
 * Hermes was the trickster. He was a young god who saw nothing wrong with lying and stealing, if it amused him. As the messenger god, he symbolized quick movement, agile thinking, and facile words. He was the god of luck and the unexpected. He was the god of travelers and thieves. He was the only god who could travel to Hades (Hell). This showed that the depths of the unconscious are accessible only by those who don't take themselves too seriously. The Romans knew Hermes as Mercury.
 * That the messenger of the gods was a trickster suggests that one should be wary of divine messages.

 * Emotional Control System : Playing, fun, joy, and humor enable individuals to communicate emotions and forge social bonds. Recreation reduces stress and renews our creative abilities.

 * Life Purpose : A Hermes man's life purpose is to perceive the world as other people see it, and to help others perceive the world as he sees it. E.g., Ronald Reagan was a successful actor, portraying how various characters perceived their world. He later became the "Great Communicator"-helping Americans see the world as he saw it.

 * Shadow
 * As actors, Hermes men can deceive. Often a Hermes man pretends to be a Zeus man-e.g., Ronald Reagan playing the role of President.
 * Hermes men can't make commitments. They see both sides of every issue-and can't settle on one.

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Hermes becomes Athena. Put the screws on The X-Files' Fox Mulder and he spins out conspiracy theories, with strategies worked out until doomsday.

 * When Safe : When safe, a Hermes man becomes Hestia. Traveling men sometimes stop and smell the roses.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Hermes is represented in astrology by Gemini (seeing two sides of issues, including the humorous side of serious situations), the 3rd House (of Communication), and the planet Mercury. Hermes is Enneagram personality type #7, the Entertainer.

 * Sex : A Hermes man charms his way into a woman's life-and then disappears as suddenly. He delights women with his here-and-now energy. The relationship goes well if the woman doesn't expect commitment. But beware of Hermes the god of thieves-he can take advantage of a woman who trusts him.

 * Meeting : To meet Hermes men, get a backpack, a Lonely Planet travel guide, and go.

Hestia

 * Celebrities : Women novelists, Martha Stewart's customers, nuns.

 * Hairstyle : Long but tied up in a scarf.

 * Shoes : Clogs.

 * Clothes: A nice Abercrombie & Fitch polo with a pair of American Eagle jeans with a Victoria's Secrets bra to go with it.

 * Favorite Movie : Howard's End, starring Emma Thompson (1992).
 * Mythology : Hestia was the goddess of home, hearth, and garden. The Romans knew Hestia as Vesta.

 * Emotional Control System : Hestia energy is about "nest-building." Lack of Hestia energy results in feeling homeless, rootless, or impermanent, as if you're living in hotel rooms.

 * Life Purpose : A Hestia woman's life purpose is to make a beautiful, happy home. Instead of a home, she may make her church beautiful, and make church social groups happy. Or she may be "den mother" of her workplace, the person to whom customers and other employees gravitate as the center of the organization.

 * Shadow
 * A Hestia woman's goal is a happy home, not a happy husband or children. If these goals are congruous, all is well. But if the husband's happiness requires a spiritual quest to Tibet, don't expect a Hestia woman to go with him.
 * A Hestia woman may lack ambitions outside her home. She may even be agoraphobic (unable to leave her home).
 * Hestia women are melodramatic-melancholy plus drama, or creative but unhappy. They're natural novelists. Their inner dramas are more interesting than books, movies, or the real world.

 * Under Stress : Under stress, Hestia women become Athena. They're ideal planners. They imagine "worst case" scenarios and strategize to prevent these possible futures.

 * When Safe : When safe, Hestia women become Aphrodite. They become charming and attractive hostesses when entertaining in their beautiful homes.

 * Other Personality Type Systems : Hestia is represented in astrology by the 4th House (of the Home). Hestia is Enneagram personality type #4, the Artist.

 * Sex : Sex isn't important to Hestia women. A Hestia woman will accommodate her husband, and will enjoy the "nice, warm experience." She may even easily orgasm.

 * Meeting : To meet Hestia the all mighty women, go to a gardening or cat show. Don't expect these women to dress in dazzling fashions, or do anything else to attract men. Charm her with your wit, and steal her heart.

Hermes-Hestia Marriage
A Hermes-Hestia marriages channels joy and playfulness into a home. A couple that successfully uses this energy makes a happy home-a place they can retreat to when tired, which restores them to go out into the world again. A Hermes father enjoys childcare if he gets to entertain the children.

==References==

title: Relationships/Hermes-Hestia