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Relationships/Monogamy and Polygamy

"Judging from the social habits of man as he now exists, and from most savages being polygamists, the most probable view is that primeval man aboriginally lived in small communities, each with as many wives as he could support and obtain, whom he would have jealously guarded against all other men."

- Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man (1871)

About 78% of human societies are polygynous, in which some men marry more than one wife. Only 22% of societies are strictly monogamous. Almost no modern societies are polyandrous, in which one woman marries several husbands (although such societies have existed historically in the Canary Islands, the Himalayas, the Canadian Arctic, and possibly other places). Only 3% of mammal species in general are monogamous, although at least 15% of primate species are.

"In historical terms, it is monogamy that is in need of explanation, not polygamy."

- Janet Bennion, Women of Principle (1998)

Women-Egalitarian Sisterhood
Imagine a society in which the only wealth is cattle. A village has 1000 men, 1000 women, and 1000 cows.

The Grand Rajah has 100 wives and 100 cows. The Lieutenant Rajah has three wives and three cows. Some men have one wife and one cow. Most men have no wife or cow.

In this society, every woman has one husband and one cow. All women are equal. Most men suffer in this society.

In a polygynous society, the median woman is better off than the median man. The wives of wealthy, monogamous men may object to this statement—until their husbands divorce them for younger women.

Men, on average, are better off in a monogamous society. All men have equal opportunities for a wife and family. It is ironic that men, whose sexuality is more "polygynous" (from a purely physiological standpoint) than women's sexuality, are the beneficiaries of monogamy.

Women's Power
In a kyriarchical society, a few powerful men subjugate everyone else (from the Greek kyrios or dominant lord ). Women's preference for high-status men produced these societies. If women believed all men to be equally attractive, human societies would be egalitarian.

In kyriarchical societies, women made most decisions. A warlord could not trust other men, because they would usurp his power. He left day-to-day decision making with his senior wives. I.e., matriarchy and kyriarchy are closely related.

E.g., from 1981 to 1985, the Indian guru Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (later named Osho) was the "alpha" male of his Oregon community. Rumours were that he lay around his trailer on Valium and nitrous oxide. Seven women ran the community. These "alpha" women poisoned 751 residents of a nearby town, in an attempt to control local elections. No evidence indicated that the Bhagwan was involved in the attack.

"A five-year study of a polygynist religious fundamentalist community in Montana found that women are actually drawn to the group, voluntarily—and in significant numbers—and that men are not the key players in the management of domestic activities and community welfare, as has always been assumed. Women are the key players."

- Janet Bennion, Women of Principle (1998)

The study concludes by "identifying female solidarity as a key to female status, satisfaction, and power." Women are happiest and strongest when they have close, supportive relationships with other women.

Increasing Status via Hypergamy
In polygynous societies, high-status wives had economic resources. They were physically protected. Most important, their son might become the next Grand Rajah.

E.g., the Moroccan emperor Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty (c. 1672) had four wives, 500 concubines, and 888 children. It could be said that his mother won the "genetic jackpot". She managed to pass her genes on to 888 grandchildren.

In a society ruled by kinship (as opposed to written laws), polygyny creates alliances between families. Marriages increase community stability. Recall from the last chapter why Late Neolithic leaders were polygynous:

"not to satisfy their desires, but because their exalted rank brings many pressing offers of matrimonial alliances."

- Tacitus, Germania (circa A.D. 100)

In a class-stratified society, polygyny enables women (but not men) to move up. Attractive young women from low-status families marry high-status men.

"Women are encouraged to practice "hypergamy," or marrying up, to […] a man who holds a high spiritual or priesthood rank [these men are usually financially better-off too] […] women in this type of system, ideally, gain a better status through marrying the elite of the group, while men marry downward."

- Janet Bennion, Women of Principle (1998)

In polygynous societies, men pay bridewealth for wives. A wealthy man can marry as many women as he can support. Bridewealth redistributes wealth from rich families to poor families—or at least to poor families with attractive daughters. Bridewealth increases social equality. Daughters are valued as potential wealth and upward mobility.

In monogamous societies, parents pay men dowry to marry their daughters. The family buys the highest-status husband they can afford. They pay the husband to be monogamous. Dowries increase social stratification. Rich families become richer, especially if they have more sons than daughters. Daughters are unwanted financial and social liabilities in some stratified societies.

Careers vs. Motherhood
In a polygynous society, one wife can focus on her career while another wife raises their children:

"As a journalist, I work many unpredictable hours in a fast-paced environment. The news determines my schedule. But am I calling home, asking my husband to please pick up the kids and pop something in the microwave and get them to bed on time just in case I'm really late? Because of my plural marriage arrangement, I don't have to worry. I know that when I have to work late my daughter will be at home surrounded by loving adults […]. My eight-year-old has never seen the inside of a day-care center, and my husband has never eaten a TV dinner. And I know that when I get home from work, if I'm dog-tired and stressed-out, I can be alone and guilt-free. It's a rare day when all eight of my husband's wives are tired and stressed at the same time."

- Elizabeth Joseph, "Polygamy: The Ultimate Feminist Lifestyle"

Men-Masters, Slaves, and Welfare Cheats
The average American FLDS polygynist man has three or four wives. Wives average eight children. Men average 28 children.

If a man financially supports his families (most polygynous FLDS men do not), he has to work long hours, instead of spending time with his family.

"For men […] any sexual motives must surely pall after a while, as the day-to-day pressures of plural family life cumulate—the financial burdens, the needs of large families, family tensions and conflicts, and so on […] plural family life is not especially "romantic" for men."

- Irwin Altman and Joseph Ginat, Polygamous Families in Contemporary Society (1996)

If a polygynous man cares whether his four wives and 28 children get along with each other, he has to follow almost one thousand relationships. Morality is how people relate to each other. If a man does not pay attention to the relationships within his family, he does not care about his family's morality.

Class Stratification
In the Montana polygynist community, one-third of the converts eventually left. Three out of four who left were male. Community stratification dissatisfied these men.

To convert, men give money, land, and possessions to the community. Men have to go through religious and character tests. After converting, men are at the bottom of the hierarchy. The elite men—mostly the sons of the founders—get marital, financial, and religious advantages.

Women have advantages at every stage of conversion. The community does not ask women to contribute wealth. They believe that women are inherently more virtuous. Women pass the religious tests more easily.

Women are encouraged to marry high-status men, to immediately join the community elite. Female converts are ten times more likely to integrate into the upper class than male converts.

Incest, Child Abuse, and Wife Battering
When a handful of men have absolute power, expect absolute corruption. Another polygynous community has a reputation for incest, child abuse, and wife battering.

In Colorado City, Arizona, men in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s barter their 15-year-old daughters. The more girls a man gives away to his friends, the more girls he gets in return. These are not relationships between consenting adults.

Warren Jeffs, the Colorado City religious leader, ordered parents not to send their children to school:

"A child that's not in school is a child that can't tell a counselor they're being abused."

- Ron Allen, Utah state senator

Unlike the Montana community, most apostates (individuals who leave) are women.

Men often marry their stepsisters or cousins. Inbreeding, or old men's defective sperm, produces many children with disabilities.

Down's syndrome children are prized here for their docile nature and the fact that their families receive $500 a month from the government for their care.

"You see these young pregnant mothers rubbing their stomachs saying, 'I hope this one's a Down's,'" said Eunice Bateman, a former plural wife.

"Rowenna Erickson, a former plural wife, calls the health care for children in polygamy a "freak show," saying pregnant women seldom receive prenatal care."

- Julie Cart, Los Angeles Times (2001)

Welfare Fraud
Welfare fraud supports families. Polygynous wives tell state agencies that they're single. Colorado City residents receive eight times more government services than they pay in taxes. Every school-age child lives below the poverty level.

Tom Green has five wives and thirty children. Utah convicted him of criminal nonsupport and welfare fraud. He and his wives fraudulently obtained $150,000 in welfare benefits. The state also charged him with child rape, after marrying a 13-year-old girl. The state sentenced Green to five years in prison.

"Some men seem to be using their religion as an excuse for behavior that shouldn't be tolerated."

- Ron Barton, Utah state investigator

Violence in Polygynous Societies
Polygynous societies are more violent than monogamous societies.

Polygynous societies have more single men than single women. The competition for scarce women can be brutal, sometimes lethal. Murderers are three times more likely to be single than married.

Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Polygyny
In the Old Testament, the patriarchs Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon were polygynous.

Deuteronomy 25:5-6 requires men to marry their brothers' widows, as second wives. Polygyny was not about promiscuous sex, but rather was a duty to care for widows and orphans.

"Polygamy, as ideally practiced, is more Christian than divorce and remarriage as far as the abandoned wives and children are concerned."

- Father Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered (1975)

The Jewish Talmud limits a man to four wives. European Jews practiced polygyny until the sixteenth century. Jews in Yemen continue to practice polygyny.

In the New Testament, Paul discouraged marriage. He followed the Stoic philosophy that marriage and children distract from religious devotion.

In contrast, Judaism and Islam value marriage as the ideal state for most people. In these societies, polygyny is an ideal form of marriage—if the husband has the resources to provide for his wives, and the good character to raise children.

In A.D. 393, the Pope reversed the Deuteronomy levirate. The Pope adapted Christianity to Roman law, which forbade polygyny, but allowed prostitution and concubines (concubines were wives whose children did not inherit the father's wealth—we call them—ironically—mistresses).

The Koran (A.D. 651) requires that prosperous men marry destitute widows. The husband must raise the widow's children as his own. A man may marry up to four women.

Marriage and divorce were central issues in the sixteenth-century Protestant reformation. Martin Luther believed that ministers should marry. England's King Henry VIII loved Anne Boleyn, but was married to Catherine of Aragon. Henry asked Pope Clement VII to annul his marriage. The Pope refused. Henry then declared the Church of England independent of Rome; England became the first large Catholic nation to change its official religion to Protestant.

Early Protestant rebel leaders often found themselves surrounded by adoring female converts, and declared that the Old Testament allows polygyny. Polygyny in these sects always died out within a generation—sometimes by burning at the stake.

Contemporary Monogamy and Polygamy
"When [my husband] told me, "The sign that I'd had an affair was a sign that there's something wrong in our relationship," I thought, "No Frenchman would ever have said that."

It's likely that in a long relationship there will be an affair somewhere along the road, for both partners, not just for men, so it would not be interpreted as a sign that there's something wrong.

I think Americans are more idealist, a sense of purity and innocence. If people fall in love, and they truly love each other, then there will be no other people in their lives, and they will be monogamous for fifty years. The French would laugh at that concept.

I'm not saying that it's easy to live the Parisian style, but I think it's more realistic. It's less idealistic, it's making room for reality, there are temptations, there are other men and women we encounter along the road."

- Catherine Texier, Breakup: The End of a Love Story (1998)

Biologists describe a species as monogamous if the animals:
 * 1) Raise their young together.
 * 2) Stay together for life.

Most monogamous species are less promiscuous than other species. However, all animals will have sex with an animal other than his or her mate if the opportunity arises.

Men's and Women's Desired Number of Partners
72% of men said yes when an attractive female stranger asked to have sex. All of the women in the experiment said no when propositioned by an attractive male stranger.

Men, on average, want 6 partners in the next year, and 18 in their lifetimes. In reality, 23% of American men have had two or more sexual partners in the past year. The median man has about five sexual partners in his lifetime.

Women, on average, want one sexual partner in the next year, and 4 in their lifetimes. In reality, 12% had two or more partners—half the number of men with two or more partners. The median woman has 3.5 sex partners in her lifetime.

In other words, women, on average, get the number of partners they want. Men, on average, do not.

When Masculine Sexuality Is Acceptable
Feminine sexuality (long-term monogamous relationships) is the norm in all societies. But all societies allow masculine sexuality (sex with many partners) somewhere, sometimes, or for some individuals. Each society has different rules about this. E.g., in Italian coastal villages, young men can have sex with foreign tourist women, but not with local women.

To use masculine sexuality, follow your community's rules, move to a community that has rules you like, or hope you have enough cerebral cortex to break the rules without getting caught.

Stress and Promiscuity
When our ancestral mothers felt secure, they chose feminine sexuality and monogamous relationships. But in times of life-threatening stress (e.g., famine or war), women who traded sex for food or safety (i.e., switched to masculine sexuality) survived and became our ancestral mothers.

Abusive families (one form of life-threatening stress) make teenage girls three to six times more likely to have risky, promiscuous sex. Teenage girls from troubled families are more sexually active, at earlier ages, and are more likely to become pregnant. Divorce, lack of support from their fathers, or "male bashing" mothers cause teenage girls to believe that men are unnecessary for raising children. Teenage girls become promiscuous because they do not value men.

Conversely, girls with secure attachments to both parents, who grow up in a low-stress home, delay sexual intercourse and choose long-term, stable mates. The women who most love men love the fewest men; women who least love men love the most men.

Affectionate relationships between girls and their natural fathers delay puberty. The most important period for this effect is the first five years of the girls' lives, suggesting that the girls' brains are set up for relationship styles in this period. Close relationships with mothers are less significant in that regard. The opposite effect is seen when girls have close relationships with unrelated males, e.g., stepfathers, causing some to speculate that pheromones play a role.

A woman who handles stress poorly is more likely to become promiscuous, in situations that another woman easily handles. Men who abuse women cause stress to women and see how they react. If a woman confidently handles the problem, the man leaves her alone. If she handles stress poorly, he recognizes a potential victim.

Smoking, alcohol, and drug use signal inability to handle stress, and subsequent promiscuity. Substance abuse causes daily stress (e.g., getting a fix, or hiding an addiction).

"At age nineteen […] 15 percent of nonsmoking white women attending college have had sex. The same number for white female college students who do smoke is 55 percent. The statistics for men are about the same."

- Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point (2000)

Sexual Satisfaction in Monogamous Relationships
The best sex is within marriages. 86% of married men and women say they're very or extremely satisfied with their sex lives.

75% of individuals in monogamous relationships who live alone say they're very or extremely satisfied with their sex lives.

Of individuals with two sexual partners, only 70% say they're very or extremely satisfied with their primary sex partner. Satisfaction with the secondary partner averages only 44%. I.e., the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

Twice as many single individuals suffer from stress, compared to married individuals (25% vs. 13%). Married men and married women have the same stress levels, on average.

Is There a "Marriage Crisis"?
In 1950, the divorce rate was 23% of the marriage rate, i.e., one-fourth of marriages ended in divorce. In 1970, 33% of marriages ended in divorce. Since 1976, the divorce rate has been around 50% of the marriage rate.

However, the median duration of marriage increased from 6.7 years in 1970 to 7.2 years in 1990.

These contradictory trends were due to several factors. First, life expectancy increased from 70.8 in 1970 to 75.4 in 1990. People now live longer, and marry longer.

Another factor is cohabitation. Fewer couples formally marry now, but more live together, usually for less than the 7 years required for recognition of common-law marriage in most states. The marriage rate declined, but the "monogamy rate" (including serial monogamy) remains the same.

A third factor was a relative shortage of men born between 1933 and 1957 (see Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?).

Serial Monogamy Tends Toward Polyandry
Judging from women's clothing, contemporary Americans are polyandrous. Polygynous species—in which a male has sex with many females—are identified by males' brightly colored feathers, long tails, huge antlers, etc. The males look sexy, to attract females. The females are drab, to camouflage their nests from predators.

Until 200 years ago, aristocratic men looked sexy in brightly colored silks and satins, lace, tights, and high-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. Aristocratic men were polygynous, if you count mistresses and servants. Aristocratic women's large dresses displayed wealth, but hid their bodies.

The French revolution (1789-1795) made aristocracy unpopular (and sometimes lethal). Men's clothing became drab and functional. After a brief period of simplicity, women's clothing returned to displaying wealth, while hiding their bodies.

World War One (1914-1918) killed 37 million young men. In the 1920s, women competed for men. Women's clothes became sexy. Hemlines rose and necklines fell.

Couples married young in the 1950s. Married women did not need to compete for men. Women went back to hiding their bodies in large dresses.

The divorce rate started to increase in the 1960s. Older women outnumbered older men, so they had to look sexy to attract a partner. Serial monogamy becomes polyandry as women age. Older women buy sexy clothes, but want to see it advertised on young models. (Playboy bizarrely dresses young women in clothes—well, in high-heeled shoes—that only women over 50 would buy.)

African-American Marriage and Polygyny
In 1970, white Americans and African-Americans had similar marriage rates. In the 1990s, the marriage rate for African-Americans was one-half to one-third the marriage rate for white Americans. E.g., half of African-American women will never marry, compared to one-sixth of white American women. Marital satisfaction among African-Americans is lower than among whites. The divorce rate is higher. Factors contributing to African-Americans' low marriage rate include:

 * 69% of African-American men are employed, compared to 75% of white American men. Unemployed men are less likely to marry than employed men.
 * "12% of African-American males age 25 to 29 were in prison or jail, compared to 4% of Hispanic males and about 1.5% of white males." At the age when most men marry, one out of eight African-American men are incarcerated.
 * 3.1% of African-Americans are on public assistance, compared to 0.9% of whites. Women on public assistance are less likely to marry than women not on public assistance.
 * African-Americans are three or four times more likely to abuse drugs than white Americans (as measured by drug-related health problems and arrest rates ).
 * In 1980, 52% of African-American families had one parent, compared to 17% of white American families and 13.5% of Canadian families. In 2000, 61% of African-American families had one parent, compared to 26% of white American families and 14% of Canadian families. Children growing up with a single parent may see marriage as abnormal.

Some successful, married African-American men secretly support a single mother, in return for sex. Typically, the woman has children from previous relationships. She then has another child with her benefactor.

"A woman's comment that we needed to learn from Africa where polygamy was responsibly practiced, elicited widespread applause from both men and women. One man spoke to the crux of the issue when he stated that society's moral level overall needed to be raised because there is no reason to expect men to act better if we get polygamy without an improvement in morality."

- Philip Kilbride, Plural Marriage For Our Times (1994)

The good news is that an African-American woman can increase her likelihood to marry by getting an education and a career (see Education and Employment)—and attending church doubles her likelihood to marry.

title: Relationships/Monogamy and Polygamy


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Relationships/Hormones

Testosterone
Testosterone is a hormone produced primarily in men's testes. The adrenal glands of both men and women also produce small amounts of testosterone.

In men, testosterone triggers production of sperm and growth of facial and body hair, as wells as causes deep voices, and muscle mass and strength.

Testosterone is associated with two behaviors in males: aggressive dominance of other males, and sexual activity. E.g., male red deer live peacefully together for most of the year. But in October their testosterone increases five-fold. They fight for territory. Female red deer select land that has sufficient food for raising fawns. The males that control the best territories mate with the most females.

Testosterone is an anti-depressant, in men and women. It increases friendliness. It reduces anger, depression, fatigue, confusion, nervousness, and irritability.

That may seem contradictory—testosterone makes males fight, yet makes them friendly. Testosterone makes males want to mate. If fighting precedes mating—e.g. gorillas—testosterone makes males fight. But if mating requires friendship—e.g. baboons—testosterone makes males friendly.

Testosterone and Sexual Behavior
Testosterone is necessary for sexual activity. However, the amount of testosterone needed for sexual activity is low. Testosterone injections do not increase sexual activity or sexual desire in young men. Men have more than enough testosterone for sex.

Men and women with high testosterone commit more violent crimes. They're more unruly in prison. Parole boards judge them more harshly.

Men's hormone levels are also influenced by their partners. One study (Toronto, Ontario 2006) found that increases or decreases in men's levels of testosterone are often correlated to their wives' menstrual cycles: the husband's testosterone tends to increase when the wife is ovulating, and decrease again afterward. This effect was observed particularly in younger couples.

Testosterone in Women
Women have about one-tenth of men's testosterone.

Alcohol and Testosterone
Alcohol lowers men's testosterone. Liver damage (associated with alcoholism) increases clearance of testosterone from the blood, and decreases clearance of estrogen. Increased estrogen and decreased testosterone reduce the functioning of men's testes.

Alcohol has no effect on the hormones of healthy non-alcoholic young women. Alcoholism reduces sexual functioning in women, but not as severely as the effect in men.

Boost Your Testosterone Without Pills or Patches
To boost your testosterone:
 * Avoid alcohol, if you are a man.
 * Sexual activity increases testosterone, in both men and women.
 * Winning boosts testosterone. Losing reduces testosterone. Find a sport you can win at, e.g. softball vs. baseball. You have to win at something physical and indicative of social dominance, e.g. winning the lottery does not affect testosterone.
 * The presence of females, especially new females, boosts male testosterone. Speculatively, young women increase men's testosterone more than older women. You do not need to have sex to get this effect. The effect is produced via pheromones in women's sweat. Play a sport you can win, on a team with sweating young women.
 * Follow workouts like sit and squats, bench press with stop bars, deadlifts with stop bars etc..

Testosterone and Aging
Pre-pubescent boys have little testosterone. After puberty, testosterone increases in teenagers. Testosterone is generally stable until men are in their 60s. Testosterone then decreases in old age. Diminishing testosterone does not sufficiently explain the declining sexual activity associated with aging.

A study in the United States, Congo, Nepal, and Paraguay found that Americans have the highest testosterone when young, and the least in old age, but testosterone levels are nearly constant from adolescence to old age in traditional societies in the other three countries. This difference may be due to how American men and women interact. North American young men interact with many young women, in high school and college. Older American men, however, have interaction with far fewer non-related young women. In rural societies in many other countries, by contrast, men generally interact with roughly the same number of young women throughout their adult lives.

Estrogen and Progesterone
Women's ovaries produce estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen increases in girls at puberty, making them develop breasts and hips. Estrogen drops at menopause (around age 50).

Estrogen is associated with ovulation and sexual receptivity. In female animals, estrogen increases male interest in the female, female solicitations of males for sex, and male sexual performance.

Orgasms increase women's estrogen.

Progesterone
Progesterone is associated with pregnancy, nursing, and other nonfertile states.

Progesterone reduces female sexual behavior. It inhibits orgasm. It causes mild depression. Prisons use a form of progesterone to "chemically castrate" male sex offenders.

Progesterone increases maternal behavior. E.g., progesterone causes female rabbits to build nests. Progesterone causes maternal aggression toward animals that approach a mother's young.

A variety of behaviors affect progesterone. Breastfeeding, oral contraceptives, and lack of exercise increase progesterone, and reduce sex drive.

Increased progesterone may be a factor in the 70% average drop in marital satisfaction in the first few years after the birth of a couple's first child.

Sexual Peaks of the Menstrual Cycle
Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone vary widely over women's 28-day menstrual cycles.

For the first 10-12 days after menstrual bleeding ceases, estrogen and testosterone are low but increasing. Progesterone is very low. A woman described this time as "confident and social, on the prowl."

Women ovulate around days 13-15. Estrogen and testosterone peak. Progesterone remains low. Brain scans show that women respond more dramatically to pictures of nude men during ovulation. Sexual behavior peaks. Ovulating women in singles bars wear, on average, more jewelry and makeup than they do at other times of the month, according to Australian research. They are more likely to initiate physical contact with men.

During the two weeks after ovulation, progesterone dominates. Estrogen remains moderately high. Testosterone diminishes. Progesterone makes women not want sex, but feel nurturing. A woman described this time as "too tired for an orgasm, but could have touched all night."

Progesterone and estrogen drop a few days before menstruation. This relates to premenstrual syndrome (PMS) in some women.

Oxytocin
Individuals who regularly cuddle can become addicted to each other. They can experience oxytocin withdrawal when apart.

Orgasm spikes oxytocin to five times normal levels. The refractory or disinterested period some people feel after sex may be due in part to oxytocin overdose (too much of any drug reduces sexual interest).

Pheromones
Pheromones are chemicals in sweat and urine. Animals use pheromones to sense whether another animal is male or female, related or unrelated, sexual receptiveness in females, and dominance in males. The vomeronasal organ (VNO) in the nose detects pheromones. The VNO is distinct from the nose's smell faculty—pheromones are a "sixth" sense. Many scientists believe that the VNO in humans merges into the sinus during fetal development, and that many people do not have a functional VNO.

The VNO connects to the accessory olfactory bulb, which is a brain area distinct from the main olfactory bulb (which processes our sense of smell). From there, pheromone information goes directly to the reptilian brain, and the limbic (old mammalian) brain area for maternal behavior. Pheromone information never gets to our cerebral cortex, the recently evolved brain area for consciousness and abstract thinking. We have no conscious awareness of pheromones.

Exposure to male perspiration brightens women's moods, reduces tension and increases relaxation. It is also theorized that male perspiration slightly affects women's menstrual cycle timing.

Male mice missing the pheromone receptor gene are unable to sense "maleness" in other mice. These male mice treat all other mice as female. They try to mate with male mice as well as with female mice. They do not fight other male mice.

Major Histocompatibility Complex Molecules
Parents with genetically different immune systems produce offspring with strong immune systems. Parents with genetically similar immune systems can be infertile or have miscarriages. Females sense a male's immune system via major histocompatibility complex (MHC) molecules. The VNO appears to sense MHC.

The sweat of men with genetically different MHC attracts women. The sweat of men with genetically similar MHC repulses women.

Pregnant female mice seek males with genetically similar MHC. These males are likely to be relatives and will protect their baby relations.

Pheromones
Bacteria and fungi live on your skin and in your clothes. These organisms drink your sweat and digest your discarded skin cells, causing body odor.

Women's sense of smell (olfactory sensitivity) is, on average, better than men's. Ask a woman if you smell bad. If so, shower with antibacterial soap. If that does not eliminate body odor, shave your body hair (especially your armpits), shave your beard, and get a haircut. Hair holds body odor.

Conversely, if women like your smell, grow a beard and long hair, and keep your body hair.

But frequent showering also washes away your pheromones. To attract women, men need pheromones without body odor. Contrary to spam e-mail advertisements, you can't buy human sexual pheromone colognes. Don't be afraid to sweat on a date, if you've gotten rid of skin bacteria.

(Perhaps we're actually offended by pheromones, not body odor. What if I had to negotiate a business deal with a man who makes me feel weak and queasy? What if I had to work next to a woman who makes me unable to think about anything but sex? Perhaps we shower daily and use anti-perspirants so that we can get along with each other.)

Do Men and Women Have Different Sex Drives?
Men's sex drive results from one hormone. Testosterone varies 50% or more daily, varies even more between men, and diminishes with age, but, compared to women, the male sex drive is relatively constant. In general, mens' sex drives are higher.

In contrast, three hormones—estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone—control women's sex drive. Women's interest in sex varies in character and intensity over their menstrual cycles, during pregnancy and nursing, and during menopause. Women's sex drives can be as strong or stronger than men's, but only at specific times.

Female mammals will have sex only in certain places. E.g., female elephant seals select a beach with minimal danger from predators. Female red deer select a meadow with abundant food to support fawns. Many human females like familiar surroundings, moderate temperature, etc.

Female primates prefer to mate with specific males. Whether a male physically dominated other males (e.g., gorillas), or built a social network (e.g., baboons), or is one's life partner (e.g., gibbons), rejecting inappropriate males is central to female sexuality.

Fetal Testosterone and Brain Differences
Foeti are of "indifferent" sex for the first six weeks. Foeti with XY (male) chromosomes then produce testosterone. Testosterone causes the XY fetus to develop male genitalia and physique.

XY foeti convert some of the testosterone into estrogen. Estrogen masculinizes a fetus.

XX (female) foeti are normally not exposed to testosterone or estrogen. They develop female organs, and feminine features and behavior.

Cognitive Differences
Women generally have better senses of smell, taste, and hearing. Men generally have better vision.

Women often have better verbal skills. In general, they have better fine motor skills, e.g., threading a needle or connecting small wires. Men are often better at "directed motor skills," e.g., throwing a ball, and "visual-spatial abilities," e.g., map reading and mental rotation of 3-D objects.

70% of men tend to use one brain hemisphere at a time while working on a task. Men can often concentrate on a task for long periods. Focusing on an activity without distractions soothes men, e.g., driving a motorcycle across the country.

Most women multi-task, e.g., minding a baby while cooking dinner while talking on the telephone. Approximately 70% of women (as opposed to 35% of men) are adept at multitasking, according to one study. So-called "woman's intuition" (HSI, as it is more technically called) results from using her whole brain to solve a problem.

Abnormal Fetal Testosterone
XX (female) foeti exposed to testosterone develop masculinized features, e.g., a clitoris as large as a small penis, and (sometimes) masculine thinking patterns and behaviors. Conversely, XY (male) foeti not exposed to testosterone become feminized.

Switching the hormones of baby animals—rats, ferrets, pigs, finches, and monkeys— makes males grow up to behave as females, and vice versa. Females attempt to mount females. Males assume the lordosis female sexual posture to get males to mount them. Given a choice of male or female sexual partners, the hormonally manipulated animals choose their own sex.

Stressing pregnant rats (e.g., forcing them to remain immobile in bright light, which terrifies normally nocturnal animals) causes them to produce homosexual or bisexual male offspring.

Some genetic disorders and hormone imbalances expose human XX (female) foeti to testosterone or estrogen, or prevent testosterone exposure of XY (male) foeti. These XY (male) adults look and act like women (sometimes including sexual attraction to men). The XX (female) girls prefer to play with trucks instead of dolls. The adult women have masculine features, behavior, and sexual attraction to women.

Gender identity, sexual biology, and cognitive skills appear to develop at different stages of pregnancy. Abnormal fetal hormones at certain points in pregnancy can produce one gender abnormality, while the individual otherwise develops normally. E.g., a man could think of himself as masculine, wear men's clothing, etc., but feel sexual attraction to other men.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Relationships/Hormones


text:
Relationships/Childhood

Remember ? Every episode, Beaver Cleaver did something to get in trouble. E.g., he hit a baseball through a neighbor's window. No matter what trouble he got into, his parents loved him. The episode ended happily.

Children learn by making mistakes. They need an adult who will fix the mistake, and then forgive them. Children need an adult who gives them unconditional love.

Adults who did not receive unconditional love as a child spend the rest of their lives seeking a partner to give them that. Such individuals include physical abuse survivors, substance abusers, or individuals with mental illnesses.

When such individuals handle life poorly they test each new relationship. E.g., your new lover steals $50,000 from you, totals your car, then has drunken sex with a stranger and passes on a sexually transmitted disease to you. You might say, "That's OK, dear, I love you no matter what you do." More likely, you end the relationship and your ex-partner looks for a new lover.

Handled better, the individual seeks a brother or sister relationship. If you do not have a sibling, ask a close friend to be your brother or sister. Explain the relationship you want. And say what will not be in the relationship—e.g., borrowing money, loaning your car, or having sex. The Greeks called this storge, or the love of brothers, sisters, or comrades who have been through difficulties together.

title: Relationships/Childhood


text:
Relationships/Adolescence

"First, starting at around age eleven, an idealistic image of life grows in intensity throughout the middle teens. Second, somewhere around age fourteen or fifteen a great expectation arises that "something tremendous is supposed to happen." Third, adolescents sense a secret, unique greatness in themselves that seeks expression. They gesture toward the heart when trying to express any of this, a significant clue to the whole affair."

- Joseph Chilton Pearce, Evolution's End (1992)

Some adolescent boys are easy to understand. They seek approval for accomplishments. They dream of winning the big game, playing guitar in a heavy metal band, and dating the prettiest girl in the school. Some adolescent boys do not dream of dating the prettiest girl in the school.

In folktales, adolescent boys go on quests for treasure. They overcome obstacles not by force of will but instead by listening to advice from seemingly unimportant creatures. In the end, they marry a princess.

Some adolescent girls are harder to understand. On the surface they seem to care only about shopping, clothes, music, science, mathematics, and movies—and talking about boys. Adolescent girls expend as much effort deciding what to approve as boys spend seeking approval. Some girls do not do any of these things. But what mental processes do girls use to approve something? (Contrary to popular belief, adolescent girls are not sheep. They do not buy stuff solely because their peers bought it.)

In folktales, an old woman imprisons a young woman in a tower, castle, or kitchen (the old woman symbolizes the life stage the young woman is trying to grow out of—see page 207). There the young woman passively waits for Prince Charming to recognize her beauty and rescue her. This is a metaphor that women want men to see their inner beauty, that each young woman feels that something stops men from seeing her emerging true nature, and that women feel love when a man breaks through that barrier. When a man connects to a woman's inner self, she gives her approval. Similarly, women give their approval when clothes, music, or movies connect to their inner selves.

Adolescents give and receive conditional love—love for what makes an individual special.

Anima and Animus
You feel passionate love when you meet an individual who reflects the hidden, contrasexual elements of your personality. Men feel passion when they meet women who reflect their anima, or hidden feminine sides. Women feel passion when they meet men who reflect their animus, or hidden masculine sides.

Meeting your anima or animus object makes you feel whole. You feel as if something's been missing all your life, and now you have it.

You feel passionate love, but you do not love the other person. Instead, you love yourself, as reflected in the mirror of the other person. Passionate love can take two courses. You can:

 * Love your projected reflection. Sooner or later reality shatters your fantasy and ends the relationship. You then repeat the cycle with other individuals.
 * Try to become what you love about your object of desire. As you develop these hidden elements of your personality, you need your partner less and less, and—ironically—your object of desire likes you more and more.

Projection
You sometimes recognize an element of yourself in another individual. You then project additional personality elements onto the person. You imagine your future life together. You picture the beautiful home you will share, the successful careers each will support in the other, and the perfect children you will raise.

Each additional element gives reality another opportunity to shatter your fantasy. Anything your object of desire says or does differently destroys your invented world. Eventually, everything your object of desire does hurts you, and you hate the person.

Archetypally, the imprisoned princess waits for her knight in shining armor. He will solve all of her problems, and then they will marry and live happily ever after. Young women project this ideal onto their lovers. But sooner or later, each woman sees reality. His armor is dented and has rust patches. His horse has a bad leg. Dragons defeat him more often than he defeats them. Her fantasy shatters. She's angry that he deceived her. He's stunned that one day she loved him, and the next day she hates him.

Or the knight rescues the princess—then rides away to find another dragon to fight and another princess to rescue (see "Becoming A Couple").

"You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away! You are shallow and stupid! My god, how mad I was to love you! What a fool I have been. You are nothing to me now. I will never see you again. I will never think of you. I will never mention your name. You don't know what you were to me, once. Oh, I can't bear to think of it. I wish I had never laid eyes upon you. You have spoiled the romance of my life."

- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890)

 * Fear of intimacy
 * Some young adults are not capable of intimate relationships. They fall in love with projected images. Or they try to be someone else's projection. There's no intimacy because real people never connect. Some young adults are capable of intimate relationships.
 * Intimacy scares some adolescents. Intimacy forces you to see parts of yourself that you wish you did not have. Weakness, stupidity, sexual ignorance or inadequacy, and other faults come out in intimate relationships. Young adults break off a relationship rather than experience their shadow aspects. Some adolescents are not scared by intimacy.
 * Young adults may think they're ready for an intimate relationship, but only with Mr. or Ms. Right:

"So many people save loving. I call them "emotional virgins." Save really giving their heart away, surrendering, opening up, sharing, because they want to save it for the right person. The problem is when the right person comes along you don't know anything about loving."

- Barbara De Angelis, Coming Alive With Love (1985)

 * "Emotional virgins" fear showing their inner selves to anyone who does not perfectly mirror their anima or animus. These individuals are not ready to accept a real partner.

 * Unrequited love
 * When a teenage boy projects his anima onto a girl, the girl does things other than what he projects she will do. The version in his head and the real girl conflict. This upsets him. He's happier loving her from a distance. If she likes him, she cannot understand why he stops calling her when she starts paying attention to him. If she dislikes him, she finds it creepy that the boy has fantasies about her.
 * Adolescent mania is unrequited as often as it's mutual. Young men average three unrequited loves between 16 and 20. Young women average only 1.6 unrequited loves between 16 and 20. I.e., teenage boys are less successful at love than teenage girls.

 * Traditional relationships
 * Projection can work if you accept traditional gender roles. Projection can work if you do not accept traditional gender roles.
 * Traditionally, men do not develop feminine skills (e.g., cooking) or feminine emotions (e.g., nurturing). A traditional man marries a woman who embodies these underdeveloped aspects of himself.
 * Conversely, a traditional woman does not develop a career, or use masculine emotions, e.g., assertiveness. She marries a man who will do these things for her.
 * Together, a traditional couple can be one complete person, and enjoy a fulfilling relationship. A traditional relationship can enable a man to fully develop his masculine side, e.g., excel at his career. A woman can fully develop her feminine side, e.g., excel as a mother. Such a relationship can last a lifetime. Such a relationship might also fail. Note that homosexual relationships can also work out as well and that it is possible for females to have a career.

Becoming Your Object of Desire
Instead of imagining your wonderful life with your object of desire, manifest your dream without the person. Ironically, this will make the other person want you.

E.g., a woman has a good job and a stable life. She's attracted to a jazz musician. His improvisations loft her emotions to heights she's never experienced. She wishes she could do that, but tells herself that she cannot.

They date. She finds that he's impoverished. Her first reaction is to offer the elements of her personality that she's aware and proud of. She tells him that if he marries her, he will get health insurance. He is not moved to propose.

He offers her the elements of his personality that he's aware and proud of. He asks her, on the spur of the moment, to accompany him to Jazz Fest in New Orleans. She cannot take vacation time from work without six months planning.

They need opposite partners. But they fear exposing their weaknesses. Instead each wants to share what he or she is most proud of.

Instead, each should ask the other for help developing his or her weaknesses. E.g., she's always wanted to sing. She could ask him to give her voice lessons. He will feel that she's becoming the type of woman he wants.

He could appreciate her ability to go to work every day. He could ask her to manage his career. She will feel that he's becoming the type of man she wants.

After she develops her singing she may no longer need him. After he's a financial success he may no longer need her. Or they may marry. Either way, they will live happily ever after.

Identifying why you feel attracted to an individual is difficult. In contrast, explaining why your object of desire should want you is easy. Have a mutual friend ask each of you (separately) why each person should want the other. (Hint: ask a gay or lesbian friend, who understands both masculine and feminine thinking patterns.)

"Cute and Quirky" Becomes Annoying. Psychologists say that the #1 complaint in marital counseling is that the "cute and quirky" qualities that attracted the partners to each other became annoying after the wedding. E.g., a shy but dependable man marries an outgoing, impulsive woman. He envies her ability to have fun. She admires his steady work ethic. But after they marry, she wants to go out in the evenings. He prefers to stay in. Compromising was not a problem when they dated a few nights a week, but now they have to compromise every night.

Ideally, he grows more like her, e.g., enjoying social dance classes. She grows more like him, e.g., taking night classes at a community college.

Developing an Adult Identity
The first crisis typically hits during our early 20s...We either do not know what we want to do with ourselves (start up a cyber-chic website? go to law school?) or cannot seem to transform our idea of what we want to do into reality (how does one become a world-famous travel writer who journeys from one land of lush to another investigating such intriguing topics as orangutan rehabilitation in Bukit Lawang?). If we base our entire identity on vague or unobtainable plans due to lack of experience, we are ripe for crisis...

"The second crisis usually hits during our mid to late 20s. After we've established a crude model of adulthood by which we've been living, we finally regain enough strength lost from our first crisis to acknowledge that the model we've created is not working. Various external influences typically propel the second identity crash: a friend gets a huge promotion...or the guy we thought we one day might marry goes on a three-day "vision quest" in the Rockies, comes back, and breaks up with us...or a friend gets pregnant, and due to pheromone influences beyond our control, we are overwrought by primal urges to get married and procreate, making us burst into tears at the mere thought of buying tiny baby socks."

- Julia Bourland, The Go-Girl Guide (2000)

"When I grow up I'll be stable..."

- Garbage, "When I Grow Up" (1998)

The primary work of adolescents and young adults is to develop adult identities. In high school, they make new friends. They try different sports or hobbies. In college, they consider different majors or careers. Maybe they try different sexual experiences. After college, they move to different neighborhoods or cities.

By 26, most individuals have a job, a relationship, and a community. They've created their first full adult identities. But they're unhappy with at least one aspect of their lives. E.g., an individual may have a good job, but is unhappy with her relationship. Or she may have the partner she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and a job she cannot take another minute of.

Between 26 and 30, individuals change at least one aspect of their identities. If you want to marry a 26-year-old, be open to a career change or a move across the country. By 30, most individuals are comfortable with their identities and ready to settle down in a committed, long-term relationship.

Be wary of individuals who did not go through identity crises as a young adult, e.g., a 30-year-old doctor who wanted to be a doctor since she was five. Individuals who do not have these identity crises when they're young have worse identity crises later in life, after they've made commitments to career, marriage, or children.

Too Little Adult Identity
Men and women emphasize their similarities to attract mates. Younger people, lacking strong identities, easily adapt themselves—sometimes by lying—to another person's likes and dislikes. Without a fully developed adult identity, everyone will love you, because whatever they are, you are too. Other people will easily project their ideals onto you.

Without an adult identity, you will not be able to say no to suggestions. You will not do unpleasant but necessary work. You cannot hold down a job or work out problems in a relationship.

Too Much Adult Identity
Too strong an identity can make you unable to adapt to a changing world. An inflexible person cannot learn and grow. Such a person cannot adjust or subsume his or her identity to form a dyad as a couple (see Dyad Trouble).

A strong, clear identity is difficult for others to project onto, so few people will feel adolescent mania for you.

Adjust your identity when you get something you want, e.g., a new job or relationship. Bringing your old identity into the new situation may get you into trouble. When a change is undesired, you're more "on guard" to look for ways that you will need to change.

"The most dangerous moment comes with victory."

- Napoleon Bonaparte

Integrity
A well-chosen adult identity fits your personality and fits the world around you.

An adult identity that does not fit your personality causes mental illness or depression. E.g., a man who's outgoing, fun-loving, and gregarious becomes depressed if he chooses a solitary career. A woman who enjoys quiet solitude develops anxiety disorders if she chooses to be a paramedic in a violent city.

An adult identity that does not fit the world around you causes separation from society, or alienation. If you choose a career for which there are no jobs (e.g., poet), or dress outlandishly or slovenly, or cultivate anti-social eccentricities (e.g., refusing to enter rooms with fluorescent lights), you will not receive material or social rewards. I.e., you will be poor and lonely.

Integrity is the fusion of your public and personal selves. Whether you're a celebrity or a garbage collector, people will respect you. Buddhists call this "right livelihood."

Interpersonal vs. Inner Conflict
Traditional societies had fixed roles for farmers, blacksmiths, ministers, etc. (and for their wives and daughters). Our ancestors may have felt oppressed when faced with no choices, predictable futures, and pressure to conform. Identity crises caused interpersonal conflict. E.g., if the son of a tailor did not want to be a tailor, he rebelled against his father.

Our society allows anyone to be anything. Parents no longer pressure their children into careers or arrange marriages. The world is changing so fast that following in your parents' footsteps no longer works—you will likely change careers two or three times in your life. And whatever lifestyle you choose, you can find people who will accept you, e.g., a lesbian triathlete stockbroker can move to San Francisco and find other lesbian triathlete stockbrokers.

Identity crises now produce inner conflicts, instead of interpersonal conflicts. Facing unlimited choices, uncertain futures, and minimal parental guidance, we have no one to rebel against but ourselves.

Adolescent Friendship
"Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving nothing but love."

- Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936)

Dogs give what the Greeks called ludus, or the enjoyment of each other's company. Your dog enjoys being with you. You enjoy being with your dog. To win friends and influence people, be enjoyable to be with.

Your best friends are likely individuals you worked with or lived with. Choose a job where you will work with people. Instead of living alone, share your home with several housemates.

The opposite of ludus is obligation. If you visit Aunt Millie only out of obligation, send her to a Dale Carnegie seminar.

Equality
Friendship requires equality. It's easy to be friends with individuals whom we're told are our equals, e.g., our college roommates. It's harder to be friends when we do not have equality thrust upon us.

To make friends with an individual more powerful than yourself, make it clear that you do not need the person's help. To be friends with an individual less powerful than yourself, make it clear that you will not help him or her.

A fast way to lose a friend is to act superior, or inferior.

Confusing Friends and Lovers
Sometimes a woman refers to the man she's having a sexual relationship with as her "friend." This communicates lack of commitment. She's either sleeping with more than one "friend," or she's dissatisfied with her "friend" and is looking for a better man (see "Boyfriend Lies"). Either way, if your lover refers to you as a "friend," it's time to have an "our relationship" talk.

Do not have sex with your friends. This usually is not a problem for heterosexuals, but for gays and lesbians it's a likely way to lose your friends. Friendships last longer than romantic love. Breaking off a love affair kills a friendship.

title: Relationships/Adolescence


text:
Relationships/Adulthood

An adult sees his real partner, not a mirror reflecting himself. He sees his partner's faults, and loves her despite her shortcomings. The ancient Greeks called this love pragma. Psychologists call it intimacy. Christians call it forgiveness.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved—loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

- Victor Hugo, author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1831) and Les Miserables (1862)

Adults give their partners space. E.g., on weekends he flies his glider. She goes to horse shows. They accept their differences. They lack the passion of 19-year-olds, but their relationship is stable.

When the knight becomes king and the princess becomes queen, their attention turns towards their kingdom. Adult partners focus not on each other, but on their family. If they do not have children, they may start a business together, or create art or music.

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author of The Little Prince (1943)

30s: Stuck Between Adolescence and Adulthood
Thirtysomething individuals can become stuck between adolescent mania and adult pragma. They are quick to see a potential partner's faults, and cannot accept an imperfect partner. They want passionate love, but have outgrown the adolescent style of projecting ideals onto partners.

Such thirtysomethings reject partners who embody their hidden personality elements, and reject partners who do not. E.g., a man believes that "real men do not cry." Emotionally expressive women scare him, and he rejects them. Emotionally controlled women do not make him feel passion, so he also rejects them.

"By the time I got to 35, I had been disappointed enough times in a row that I was better at ruling men out than ruling them in."

- Pam Houston, author of A Little More About Me (1999)

He swears off dating, because every relationship ends in disappointment. He will accept only a perfect woman, in a passionate relationship. No woman meets his standards. He can see faults, but he cannot accept faults. Our society encourages men stuck here to focus on career, sports, or hobbies.

Women stuck here expect that "Mr. Right" will magically appear, without the woman making any effort. Or the woman becomes a "man hater." Our society encourages women to blame men for their unhappiness.

Adult Friendship
Friendships determine success more than education or hard work. Successful people have hundreds of friends. Friends connect us to new worlds of people. An individual with a wide variety of friends will accomplish more, with less effort, by asking the right person for help in any situation.

Adults create friendships by drawing boundaries. Boundaries draw people into parts of your life, as well as exclude them from other parts. Successful individuals quickly draw the right boundaries around new acquaintances.

Boundaries enable unequal adults to be friends (unlike unequal adolescents). E.g., a CEO and a janitor can be buddies on their company softball team—and return to their usual distance at work.

Rivals draw clear boundaries. Individuals can be rivals in one area, and friends in another.

The Internet is a boundary. It is easy to form friendships on-line, e.g., chatting on a discussion forum. Few on-line friendships become "real world" friendships. There is nothing wrong with that. On-line friends are another category, just as you have work friends, neighborhood friends, family friends, etc.

Companionate Marriages
In a companionate marriage, the couple shares careers, hobbies, friends, etc. Companionate couples also share parenting responsibilities.

Before 1970, companionate marriages were rare. In the past thirty years, this has become the most common type of marriage.

The problem with companionate marriages is boundaries. Each of us needs to be an individual, as well as to be part of a dyad (see Dyad Trouble). In traditional marriages, the husband goes to work, the wife takes care of the home and the children, he goes to the Moose Club to see his friends, her friends come over for a coffee klatch, etc. The boundaries between individual and dyad are clearly drawn. But in companionate marriages, unclear boundaries can lead to one (or both) partners feeling a loss of individuality. In general, this makes the husband unhappy, if the couple is young, or the wife feels unhappy, if they are older (young men and older women value their independence).

Companionate couples should draw boundaries to spend some time apart. E.g., on weekends he flies his glider, and she goes to horse shows.

Your Village of Relationships
"On my first visit home [to West Africa] after moving to the United States, I told my mother that just [my husband] and I lived in our house. To her, living like this was inconceivable; she thought I was crazy. It meant that we were getting no outside energy to support and strengthen our relationship. We were basically left with the impossible task of figuring things out on our own. In my own marriage, I now bring as many people as I can into the relationship....When you don't have a community of friends and family involved in a relationship, you base all your intimate expectations on your marriage. And that is too much to ask of any relationship. Of course, your partner is your friend and family, but to get everything from one person is impossible."

- Sobonfu Somé;, The Spirit of Intimacy (2000)

"After more than a half-century of marriage, I can tell you that it is important to realize early on that no one person can give you everything that you want or need."

- Old woman, quoted by Danielle Crittenden in What Our Mothers Didn't Teach Us (1999)

The ancient Greeks had six words for love:

 * Mania, or adolescent passion
 * Eros, or sexual attraction
 * Pragma, or adult commitment and care giving
 * Storge, brotherly, sisterly, and comradely love
 * Ludus, friendship (page 83)
 * Agape, the altruistic love of all creatures (page 88).

As we mature through each stage of our lives, we need—and give—different types of love. And each of us is more mature in some ways, and less mature in other ways. E.g., an individual may act maturely at work, but revert to adolescence when dating.

title: Relationships/Adulthood


text:
Relationships/Agape

In 1993, 46-year-old former Wyoming cattle rancher, Grateful Dead lyricist, and founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation John Perry Barlow fell in love with 28-year-old psychiatrist Cynthia Horner. A year later she died unexpectedly. In 1997, This American Life radio host Ira Glass interviewed Barlow:

"Ira Glass: Now that you've had this experience with her, do you find that you have this experience all the time in a smaller form, where you'll meet a group of strangers, and there'll be one whose eyes strike you, and you think OK, this person, I could see a part of this thing.

John Perry Barlow: Absolutely. I feel an ability to attach on a moment-to-moment basis that is completely unlike anything that I felt prior to that. And I think it's a little disconcerting to other people because it's genuine on my side, and people are not used to having somebody just dock emotionally that instantaneously. I feel like I can see their souls, you know, their souls are visible to me."

In an adult relationship, you see your partner's good qualities, accept his or her faults, and emotionally connect. After you learn to do this with one person, you can connect with other people.

Traditionally, a man and woman who passionately love each other produce children, whom the parents passionately love. I.e., passionately loving one individual leads to passionately loving other individuals.

Religions teach individuals to feel passionate, non-sexual love for an abstract being, and then extend that love to other people. I.e., love for a deity helps them feel altruistic love for other people. The Greeks called this passionate, non-sexual, altruistic love agape.

title: Relationships/Agape


text:
Relationships/Where Couples Met

The #1 place people meet their spouses is "Other" (see Figure 3: Where Couples Met). I.e., one-third of couples met in places where no other couples met. E.g., if you are an African explorer, you are more likely to meet your spouse while exploring Africa, and less likely to find your spouse in a Chicago singles bar.

School and work are the next-most common meeting locations (15-20%). Parties and bars are good for short-term (less than one month) sexual relationships (17-25%) and not bad for marriages (8-10%).

Churches are good for meeting marriage partners (11%), and poor for meeting short-term sex partners (1%). (This contradicts another dating advice book, which says that women in church singles clubs want sex "like bunnies." This may apply only to certain churches. The book did not specify where to find the best sects.)

Personal ads and singles cruises are poor places to meet anyone. Less than 1% of married couples met via a personal ad or on vacation.

To meet a relationship partner at work, work at an occupation with opposite-sex co-workers. Organize social events outside work, e.g., company picnics or a co-ed softball team.

E.g., a male engineer works with other men. He signs up for community college evening classes in child development. The other child development students are women. After taking a few classes, he does a part-time internship at a daycare center. The other daycare workers are women. And he finds that many of the customers are divorced mothers. Plus he gets to build cool things with Lego.

E.g., a female daycare worker works with other women. She signs up at the community college for engineering classes. She enjoys drawing, and finds that she is good at drafting. Then she finds that draftspersons are paid twice what daycare workers earn.

To compare male and female percentages in over 200 occupations, see the Statistical Abstract of the United States, by the U.S. Department of Commerce (available in libraries or download free from http://www.census.gov/statab/www/). Look for the table "Employed Civilians, by Occupation, Sex, Race, and Hispanic Origin" (Table 588 in the 2002 edition). This table also provides racial statistics, if you want to meet, e.g., African-American men or Hispanic women. FYI, in 2001, engineering was 90% male and 91% white; child care providers were 97% female and 19% Hispanic.

To meet potential partners in school, take classes in which you interact with your classmates. Some business schools teach teamwork and leadership skills via group projects. Some progressive universities encourage instructors to include experiential segments (e.g., interactive games) in each class.

If you take an old-fashioned sit-in-a-lecture-then-write-a-paper course, organize a study group outside of class. If you are an older man, be a benevolent king. Do not try to "fit in" with the undergraduates. Show the students how to use the library (instead of the Discovery Channel). Coach them through oral presentations. Help them work as a team.

Who Introduced Couples
Friends are the primary introducers (35-40%) of couples of all types (see Figure 4: Who Introduced Couples). The section "Adult Friendship" shows how to increase your circle of friends.

Self-introductions are also important (32-47%). The researchers did not specify whether successful relationships more often began when men introduced themselves to women, or vice versa.

Family members are good for helping you meet potential marriage partners (15%), but poor for helping you meet short-term sexual partners (3%). Take your mom to Festa Italiana or Irish Fest or Jewish Community Day. She will find half a dozen mothers with children for you to meet.

Similarity and Dissimilarity
Couples are 70-90% similar regarding racial or ethnic group, education, age, and religion (see Figure 5: Similarity of Couples).

But this does not mean that similarity attracts. Rather, race, education, age, and religion facilitate meeting. I.e., you are likely to meet individuals your age who go to your school and attend your church.

In the 1930s, most couples lived within ten blocks of each other when they met. Improved transportation has widened our circles for meeting people, but we still tend to meet people who live in our neighborhoods. Because most neighborhoods are not racially integrated, race is a surrogate for living in the same neighborhood (i.e., it would be interesting to study whether racially mixed neighborhoods produce more mixed-race couples).

Married couples are dissimilar in more ways than they are similar, especially for factors that do not facilitate meeting. E.g., couples are, on average, dissimilar for personality types. Couples are also dissimilar for IQ tests, attitudes and opinions (e.g., whether mothers should work outside the home), hobbies and social activities, parents' economic class, physical and mental health, height, weight, hair color, eye color, physical attractiveness, exercise, vocabulary, day or night person, preferred foods, number of brothers and sisters, and birth order (some of these studies were conducted before 1970 and may be out of date, especially considering the post-1970 rise of companionate marriages, described on page 87).

The section "Pheromones" showed that similarity attracts for friendship, and opposites attract for sex.

Where to Meet Single Men and Women
Psychologists had seminary students write speeches on the topic of "The Good Samaritan." After finishing their speeches, each student was sent to another building to read the speech to an audience.

Between the buildings was an alley. In the alley was an actor pretending to be a disheveled man in need of assistance.

Half the students were told they were late and must hurry. These students ignored the man's pleas for help.

The other students were told they had plenty of time. These students stopped to help the man.

The psychologists concluded that simple changes in context powerfully alter individual behavior. In this and other experiments, psychologists have gotten individuals to do the opposite of their normal or professed behavior.

Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right will not do you any good if he or she (or you) is not thinking about romance. E.g., if you are in a hurry you will walk right past Mr./Ms. Right, just as the seminary students walked past the man in need of help. Instead, meet partners in places where singles think about romance, when they are thinking about romance.

The Best Place to Meet Men
To meet lifeguards, take the American Red Cross lifeguarding course. To meet Outward Bound instructors, take a Wilderness First Responder course. To meet firefighters, take an Emergency Medical Technician course. The classes are stressful, so you get to know and respect each other. Plus the classes are "hands on" each other! And what you learn may save a life. Call your local Red Cross chapter or visit redcross.org

Cycling club membership is often 85% male. Cycling combines a love of healthy outdoor exercise and adventure with mechanical aptitude.

Another way to meet men is to select a club that sounds fun. All the things men do have organizations. E.g., to meet men who drive BMW motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle Owners Association website. E-mail your local club president, asking to be a passenger on the next ride.

The Best Place to Meet Women
Actresses are interesting, fun, unconventional-and beautiful. Meet them in acting classes or community theater.

Acting classes are scheduled playtime. You will learn games to play with your nieces and nephews.

Acting classes improve your entertainment skills. You will develop confidence in expressing emotions. You will memorize poems (pick romantic ones). You will discover that you can sing—and then women will show you what swoon means. Acting classes will make you more attractive to women.

Acting (and creative writing) classes show you each student's inner character. The gorgeous woman that you lusted after from day one will read a poem that makes you gag. The woman you did not notice for the first three weeks will perform a scene that moves your heart.

Two Contradictory Rules for Attracting Women
In the chapter "How Women Select Men," you learned that women prefer "alpha" males, i.e., a man who is a leader or good at what he does.

But my experience has been that I do not meet women doing things I am good at, e.g., running marathons or designing electronic circuitboards. I meet more women—and the women are interested in me—when I do something I am bad at, e.g., dance classes. Russian women think I'm adorable when I try to conjugate __ _______ __ _________ _ ________ ______.

Women like men who are not afraid to show their soft and vulnerable side. This brings out their nurturing instinct (see "Demeter," page 205). But stay confident and have fun.

Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?
In 1986, Newsweek reported that a single, college-educated 40-year-old woman was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to find a husband. (The author of that article later said that this statement was facetious hyperbole.)

In 2001, the Wall Street Journal reported that men in their late 30s and early 40s will soon outnumber women five to ten years younger by two to one.

Is there a "man shortage," as Newsweek reported? Or is there a "woman shortage," as the Wall Street Journal reported?

Slightly more boys are born than girls, but slightly more boys and young men die. Around 25, men and women are equally numerous.

Because women (on average) live longer than men, old women outnumber old men. Also, men tend to marry women two or three years younger (in North America), and four to five years younger (in much of the rest of the world). These factors cause a shortage of unmarried younger women, and a shortage of unmarried older men. But this effect is small (under 5%) until you are over 50 years old.

Birth rates vary over 40-year cycles (see Figure 6: Birth Rates, 1909-1998). Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal reported opposite effects because their stories were 15 years apart.

The U.S. birth rate reached its lowest point in 1933. Prohibition ended that year. The birth rate reached its highest point in 1957. The birth control pill was introduced that year. The birth rate reached its next low point in 1973, and its next peak in 1990.

The "lucky" people are men born when the birth rate climbed (1933-1957, 1973-1990), and women born when the birth rate fell (1957-1973, 1990-1997).

Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?
Men and women react differently to shortages of marriage partners.

During a "woman shortage," women are more likely to marry. During a "man shortage," women are less likely to marry, due to lack of quality partners.

During a "man shortage," men are less likely to marry, and more likely to "play the field" and have more relationships, with less commitment. During a "woman shortage," men are more likely to marry and stay married.

I.e., during a "woman shortage" (e.g., of women born between 1957 and 1973), both men and women are more likely to marry. During a "man shortage" (e.g., of men born between 1933 and 1957), both men and women are less likely to marry. This partially explains the decreasing marriage rate between 1970 and 1990.

Create Your Own Man- or Woman-Advantage
Creating your own man- or woman-advantage may be easier than you expect. Young men and women selecting a university—or a major—can consider male/female ratios. Working men and women can change careers (see "Where Couples Met"). Some one-industry small towns have lopsided male/female ratios. E.g., Vail, Colorado, is rumored to have an eight-to-one male/female ratio among the young "ski bums" working at the resorts. Be warned, however, that Vail women say, "the odds are good, but the goods are odd."

An older person can always create a man- or woman-advantage by dating individuals younger than him- or herself. Married people go "off the market," so single younger people always outnumber single older people, no matter your age or sex.

E.g., 25-to-29-year-old men who want to marry same-age women face five-to-four odds (1.22/1 ratio) against the men. But by dating 20-to-24-year-old women, the odds reverse and improve to three-to-four (1/1.3) in favor of the men.

40-to-44-year-old unmarried men find equal numbers of unmarried women their age, and the same equality when dating women five years younger.

At age 45 and above, the advantage goes to men, whether they seek same-age or younger women. Unmarried men over 55 have a two-to-one advantage over women, both same-age and ten years younger.

title: Relationships/Where Couples Met


text:
Relationships/Flirting

According to "the rules," women sit by the phone waiting for men to call. Each woman then chooses a suitor to take her out on a date, or, eventually, to marry. The conventional wisdom is that "men court, then women choose."

Reality is the opposite. Female monkeys initiate more than 80% of matings. In singles bars and at parties, women initiate two-thirds of flirting interactions.

Women who follow "the rules" and passively wait get the 20% of men that other women do not want often find that "the good ones are taken" by women who take an active role in courtship.

Instead, a woman should choose the man she wants to court her—"women choose, then men court." E.g., the French romantic comedy Amélie charmed audiences with a young woman pursuing a young man—by making him pursue her.

Babysitting Lessons
I was once asked to babysit a five-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. The children did not know me. We went out in their backyard. The girl threw dirty water from their wading pool on me. I told her to stop. She threw mud on me.

I got the message. I went to the far corner of the backyard and played alone in the sandbox. Within a minute the boy came over. We played with the trucks, loading and unloading sand and pebbles, making truck sounds, but not talking. After ten minutes the girl came over. She did not want to play with trucks, but insisted that we play with her. We invented a game to play in the front yard, and played happily all afternoon.

Adult women act like the five-year-old girl. If an unfamiliar man approaches a woman, her reaction is, "I don't know you. Go away. Leave me alone." Even a man who has been with his girlfriend for years will sometimes have trouble making her open up in the way she does with her own girlfriends.

For example, a woman came to our running club. I asked her questions on the run out—"Where are you from" "Where do you work," etc. Her answers were monosyllabic. On the run back a woman asked her the same questions—and she happily chatted away, answering in long paragraphs.

Some women are friendly, easily talk to men, and right away make you feel that they genuinely like you. These women are all married to great, loving husbands, and for good reason. This suggests what the most important relationship skills are for women!

To get a shy woman to "open up" and become friendly, do something fun with other people. She will watch at first, and then want to join in. E.g., on the run, if I would happily chatted with a group of men and women (instead of trying to talk to her alone), she would have wanted to join our discussion.

If you play softball, do not interrupt a group of women talking, to ask one woman if she wants to practice catching pop-ups. Instead, hit pop-ups for another man to catch. Laugh and make it look fun. Sooner or later, you will notice a woman quietly watching you, waiting for an invitation. Invite her to join in.

Flirt with Everyone
Flirting is making a person feel good. Make eye contact, smile, compliment, and then make the person feel special. You can also use mirroring strategy where you subtly imitate the person's movements and establish a common connection.

Do not limit your flirting to attractive, single persons of the opposite sex. Make everyone you meet feel good about themselves. Compliment old men, women pushing strollers in the park, the person behind you in the supermarket line, and your in-laws.

When you meet an attractive, single person of the opposite sex, you will feel more confident. The rest of the time you will make friends.

"Don't wait until you're in love to start loving in your life. Don't wait until you're in love to practice being attentive, to practice giving."

- Barbara De Angelis, Coming Alive With Love (1985)

Begin with waiters and waitresses. If you say the wrong thing, leave a big tip.

Go out with a same-sex friend (e.g., a man goes out with a male friend). This makes it easier to flirt with two persons of the opposite sex (e.g., two women). After an interaction, discuss with your friend what you did right and wrong.

Peek-a-Boo
At a restaurant, catch the eye of a toddler. Then hide behind your menu. The kid will grin and excitedly play peek-a-boo with you.

Human brains are wired to play peek-a-boo. We love attention. Peek-a-boo is how we attract another person's attention.

Spy thrillers are full of peek-a-boo games. We love it when a mild-mannered character removes his disguise and reveals himself as James Bond.

Play peek-a-boo to meet singles. Make eye contact from a distance, and then look away. Hide behind something or someone. Repeat the eye contact-then-hide cycle for several minutes.

Women play peek-a-boo more subtly than men. If you are a man, do not get discouraged if your object of desire seems to have only the slightest interest in you. If you are a woman, do not be too subtle. E.g., making eye contact via your compact's mirror wo not register with most guys.

If you see two women or a group of women, or two men or a group of men, you cannot approach and start talking to one individual. Instead, write a note on your business card. Tip your server $20 to give your card to your object of desire. Your note should tell him or her to meet you in another room, out of sight of his or her companions, in five minutes.

"Speed Dating"
"Nobody understands a damn word Deepak Chopra says, but it's who he's being that's just kind of mesmerizing."

- Joel Roberts, KABC talk show host

7% of what an audience remembers about a talk show guest is his or her words. 93% of what they remember is what lawyers call demeanor. Psychologists call it affect. Actors call it attitude.

A Los Angeles group has made dating like talk shows. In "speed dating," participants meet for seven minutes. Then a bell rings, and they move to the next numbered table. In ninety minutes, each participant gets seven speed dates. About 50% of participants get a real date afterwards.

"Speed dating" may sound harsh, but it is what everyone does. Communicating "the real you" in seven minutes or less is not possible via verbal communication alone. Communicate via your clothes, body language, eyes, and voice.

Compliments
Giving compliments costs you nothing, and wins friends.

Compliment the person's smile. Then smile. This will make the person smile. You will look more attractive when you smile. Smiling will make the other person feel happy.

Compliment the person's eyes. This reminds you to make eye contact. Look into the person's eyes long enough to mentally note his or her eye color.

Compliment the person's name. This helps you remember the person's name. Associate the person's name with an interesting fact, e.g., ask how his or her name is spelled (e.g., Rebecca vs. Rebekah), the ethnic origin, or the meaning of the name. Ask if the person is related to a celebrity with the same last name. Read a history of your area to learn the names of local heroes and historical figures.

Compare the person to a celebrity. But make sure the celebrity is physically attractive, and the right age. Do not tell a woman that she reminds you of Ally McBeal, or tell a man under sixty that he reminds you of Sean Connery.

Avoid compliments about things you are competing on. Avoid compliments that put yourself down. E.g., you lose a tennis game. Do not say, "Your serve is strong! I could never serve as well as you." This puts the person in a difficult position. If he insists that your serve is good, he is impolitely rejecting your compliment. If he accepts your compliment, he is impolitely agreeing that you will never serve well.

The best, most difficult compliment is to compliment what embarrasses the person. E.g., if a well-dressed woman is driving a beat-up old car, say that she looks like a woman that blues musicians write songs about. Then improvise a blues song about her beautiful looks and her clunker car. The person feels embarrassment when you point out a fault. Then he or she feels good when you say that the fault is attractive.

Lastly, listen for extraordinary things people have done, then reflect this back to them. This is a listening skill, not a talking skill. Everyone thinks that their lives are ordinary. E.g., a man who flies jet fighters thinks of himself as an ordinary fighter pilot.

Transition Points
People are open to new relationships when they are at transition points. Transition points include:

 * Starting college.
 * Moving to a new city.
 * Starting a new job.
 * Moving to a new apartment.
 * Buying a new car.

Transition points make people less critical of each other. E.g., a woman has graduated from college, found a good job, rented a cool apartment, and bought her first new car! In six months she will be bored with the job, hate the cockroaches, and her car will leak oil. But now everything is new and wonderful. She feels that she is "on a roll." If a man walks into her life, she will think he is another great part of her new life.

In contrast, a 34-year-old divorcée;e with two children, a house she has lived in for six years, a car she has driven for eight years, and a job she has had for ten years will be harder to date. Dating disrupts her routine. The annoyance of the disruption overrules the possible enjoyment of a new romance.

To meet new people, create a transition point in your life.

Making a Date
Ask for a date directly. Do not ask vague or indirect questions. Playing games invites the person to lie or play games.

Do not accept a vague or indirect answer. E.g., you are looking forward to an event. You ask a person out. The person says "maybe," meaning "no." You hear "maybe," meaning yes. Two weeks later, you figure out that "maybe" meant "no." But now it is too late to ask anyone else out. If a person says "maybe," or does not return your call or e-mail, assume that the person means "no." Ask someone else out.

If the person says "no," thank him or her for the clear answer.

 * Telephone Numbers
 * Ask for a telephone number or e-mail address.
 * A man should offer his card, but should not expect a woman to call. A man should never give a work or voicemail number. This suggests that he is married and trying to trick her.
 * A woman concerned about her privacy or safety should rent a voicemail box, or give out her e-mail address.

 * Business Cards
 * A man's business card should communicate status. He should ask his supervisor to give him a more impressive job title. Or add a title given by a professional association. Or hire a graphic designer to create a beautiful card.
 * A man should write his home telephone number on his business card when giving it to a woman. He should add his home address so she can drive by and see what his house looks like.

 * E-mail Addresses and Personal Websites : Use an e-mail address that identifies your gender and age, e.g., "Ernie1959." Build a personal website with information about yourself, your photo, etc. Put the URL in your e-mail signature. Your e-mail recipients can then read more about you.

 * Excuses to Ask Personal Info : Take advantage of excuses to ask people about themselves. E.g., in a business class it is appropriate to "network" with classmates: "And where does your husband work? Oh, you're not married?"

 * How to Call
 * If a woman gives a man her telephone number, he should call her the next day.
 * He should not wait two days. If he hesitates, she will feel hurt and rejected.

Men's Clothes
Dress to communicate your gender. Masculine clothes have heavier fabrics. Colors are darker. Masculine clothes emphasize broad shoulders (e.g., epaulets), flat stomach (e.g., men's shirts tuck into their pants), slim waist and hips, and muscled legs.

Boring, conservative clothes are masculine. Creative, attention-grabbing clothes are feminine. To attract women, wear normal clothes. Grey with a designer label is good.

A beard hides your face. Religious patriarchs and department store Santa Clauses are playing a role and want you to see the mask, not the individual behind the mask. In contrast, businessmen and politicians do not wear beards because hiding their faces makes them appear less trustworthy.

Women's Clothes
Women's clothes draw attention to their breasts, waist, and hips. Depending on whether adolescence or maturity is in fashion, women's clothes either emphasize a flat stomach and thin legs, or make strong, sweeping curves to suggest fertility. Feminine clothes have lighter fabrics and brighter colors.

Play peek-a-boo to get men's attention. Intentionally tear your jeans or sweaters, show a little cleavage, or wear a slit skirt. Sexy materials—leather, latex, spandex—play peek-a-boo by suggesting skin without showing skin.

Wear an accelerator and a brake. A pink t-shirt displaying "Playmate of the Year" in glittering letters is like a car with an accelerator but no brake. Men will not hear "no." Instead, wear a conservative skirt with sexy boots, or vice versa.

Women should not wear "trend of the minute" clothes. You will impress the people who read women's fashion magazines—other women. Instead, wear "timeless" styles. Natural colors, patterns, and fabrics are timeless. Things not found in nature are not.

Dream Houses, Dream Relationships
Clothes are about flirting. Houses are about relationships. When you imagine your dream home, you also imagine your dream relationship. Creating your dream home may lead to your dream relationship. Conversely, living in a place that makes you unhappy will prevent you from forming happy relationships.

The most common home problem is commitment to the past, a.k.a. clutter. Clutter defines the old you. Donate your ex-self to Goodwill. Create space in your home for something new.

E.g., a woman's home was dominated by her ex-husband's piano. She could not start relationships. When she got rid of the piano she immediately found a relationship.

If you are a man, communicate that you are relationship material:

 * Display pictures of your family—especially of you playing with your nieces and nephews.
 * Green, healthy plants communicate that you are capable of taking care of something.
 * To make your living room communicate your personality, start by getting rid of the television. This will also give you time for a new relationship—Americans average four hours of television a day.
 * A bed against a wall communicates that you intend to stay single. Create walking space on both sides of the bed.
 * Women like clean bathrooms. Their sense of smell is better than men's. If you are incapable of keeping your house clean, just clean the bathroom. John Gray's next book will be Mars and Venus in the Bathroom.
 * Pizza, chips, and beer communicate "bachelor." Fresh fruits show that you buy groceries more than once a month. Diet soft drinks, exotic coffees and teas, and low-fat ice cream show that you understand women.

In House as a Mirror of Self: Exploring the Deeper Meaning of Home, by Clare Cooper Marcus and James Yandell (1995), the chapter "Becoming Partners: Power Struggles in Making a Home Together" shows how homes cause or solve relationship problems.

title: Relationships/Flirting