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Bottom (TV series)

Bottom (1991–1995) is a British sitcom by Ade Edmondson and Rik Mayall.

Episode 1 - Smells

 * [Richie Pushes Eddie in to the sex shop. Eddie acts nervous.]
 * Shop Assistant: Can I help you, sir?
 * Eddie: This is a sex shop, isn't it?
 * Shop Assistant: Yes.
 * Eddie: (slaps money down) I'll have five quids worth then!
 * Shop Assistant: Very droll, sir, I haven’t heard that one before.
 * Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
 * Shop Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
 * Eddie: You've been working here too long mate.

 * [Chatting up some women in a pub.]
 * Eddie: Have me! Have me, I'm a love albatross!

 * [Buying a condom from a machine.]
 * Richie: Oh, nadgers. What kind do you want?
 * Eddie: Rubber ones.
 * Richie: Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's tickler, and there's ultrasensitive.
 * Eddie: Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?
 * Richie: Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What colour?
 * Eddie: What have they got?
 * Richie: There's black, gold, Union Jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?
 * Eddie: Well Union Jack, obviously!
 * Richie: Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What flavour?
 * Eddie: Flavour?!
 * Richie: Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.
 * Eddie: Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?
 * Richie: Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.
 * Eddie: No no, get two.
 * Richie: Wild man!

 * [Writing a personal ad about himself.]
 * Richie: Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck... yeah, hot young buck.
 * Eddie: What about badger?
 * Richie: No, no, I'm more a sort of...
 * Eddie: HEDGEHOG!
 * Richie: No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!
 * Eddie: What about Stoat!
 * Richie: Foxy Stoat? Yeah. It’s got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...
 * Eddie: Pig!
 * Richie: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! (gasps) SHUT UP, EDDIE!

 * Richie: What on EARTH are you eating?
 * Eddie: Lard.
 * Richie: You are eating... lard?
 * Eddie: Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.

 * Eddie: I've just had a fantastic idea.
 * [Drinks the rest of his pint beer.]
 * Richie: Well?
 * Eddie: What?
 * Richie: What's the fantastic idea?
 * Eddie: To drink that! I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?
 * Richie: Yeah!
 * Eddie: Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."

 * [Richie has been knocked back by a lesbian]
 * Richie: I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".

Episode 2 - Gas

 * [Richie goes to answer the door.]
 * Richie: Alright, I'm coming! Alright, alright! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? (Opens the door and slightly strikes the Gasman) Right, that's enough of that! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan! Cripes! It's the gasman!
 * Gasman: Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter.
 * Richie: HELLO MISTER GASMAN!
 * Gasman:Yes, hello.
 * Eddie: [Poking his head out into the landing] You what?
 * Richie: HELLO MISTER GASMAN!! [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]
 * Gasman: Yes, hello again. I wonder if could just read.....
 * Eddie: Mister who?
 * Richie: GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!
 * [Eddie runs and turns off the gas. Richie is still repeatedly shouting Gasman when Eddie appears at the door]
 * Gasman: DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ YOUR METER!
 * [Eddie by this time is now at the front door]
 * Eddie: Who is it, darling?
 * Richie: IT'S THE GASMAN!
 * Gasman: Yes I think we've established that.
 * Eddie: Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.

 * [Richie and Eddie have just beaten the gasman into unconsciousness]
 * Richie: You're not going anywhere, mate. ....mate? Eddie! You've killed him!
 * Eddie: [*drops frying pan*] I never touched him.
 * Richie: Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time.
 * Eddie: Bollocks, you killed him, he was dead before he hit the ground!
 * Richie: Then why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!
 * Eddie: For fun!
 * Richie: Oh God! What are we going to do?!
 * Eddie: About 25 years, I think.

 * [Richie and Eddie are trying to break into next door's flat. Eddie climbs across the outside wall to the bedroom window where he sees them having sex]
 * Eddie: Bloody Nora!
 * Richie: Shut up!
 * Eddie: They're having it off!
 * Richie: I'll be right over!

 * Eddie: (Handing out tea) Here we are then. Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm.
 * Richie: (laughing) Cheers!' This is the best tea in London. (Drinks some and retches) Mmmm, lovely. Well, come on, Eddie, you're not drinking yours.
 * Eddie: No, I'm watching you enjoy yours.
 * Richie: Well, come, on, do your fair share, you bastard! (to the Gasman) And you!

Episode 3 - Contest

 * Richie: So, we've only got eleven pounds eighty to last us for the next two months?
 * Eddie: No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade".
 * Richie: What?
 * Eddie: It's an investment. Look, I got it for one pound fifty and originally it only cost a shilling. The value of these things is just sky-rocketing!
 * Richie: That's pre-decimalisation that is! They all have their pants on.

 * Eddie: Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!

 * [Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]
 * Eddie: What's this?
 * Richie: Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
 * Eddie: I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"

 * Eddie: Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.

 * Richie: Do you know how many birds there are in the world?
 * Eddie: Yeah, about three billion.
 * Richie: Do you know how many of them I've slept with?
 * Eddie: Yep.
 * Richie: None.
 * Eddie: Yeah, I know.
 * Richie: I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
 * Eddie: Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.
 * Richie: I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?
 * Eddie: Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.

 * [Eddie reading out Richie's suicide note]
 * Eddie: "Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." (Fighting back tears) Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy. And now he's gone and done himself in! [Plays some keys on Richie's electric organ] Well, this ought to fetch a few quid.

Episode 4 - Apocalypse

 * [Richie has sheltered himself from any "accidents"]
 * Eddie: Well I can't go, everyone will think that I'm Sean Connery.
 * Richie: You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.
 * Eddie [as Michael Caine]: Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that.
 * Richie: I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.
 * Eddie: [still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.

 * [Eddie has dressed up as the Grim Reaper to scare Richie]
 * Richie: Why don't we play Cluedo for my life?
 * Eddie: Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!
 * Richie: How do you know these things?
 * Eddie: I'm Death!
 * Richie: Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?
 * Eddie: No, I'm Death! I'm Death!

 * Richie: Ok, I Spy it is. Oh God, this is important. Better make it a goodie... Ok, coming, ready or not. I Spy with my little eye something beginning with "S".
 * Eddie: "Submarine".
 * Richie: No! Ha ha! It was "Scythe". Ha! Ha! Oh, I win, I get to live! Thank you Baby Jesus! Thank you all the Baby Jesuses!
 * Eddie: Hang on, hang on, hang on! "Scythe" doesn't begin with an "S".
 * Richie: Yes, it does!
 * Eddie: It bloody doesn't, it's a "C"!
 * Richie: It's not!
 * Eddie: It is! Get a dictionary!
 * Richie: Alright, I've got one here. Here... [Flicking through the pages] Scythe, scythe, scythe. There you are, "Scythe". "S-C-Y-T-H-E".
 * Eddie: That's "Sither".
 * Richie: It's "Scythe", it says "Scythe" there! It's in the dictionary! Jesus wrote this!

Episode 5 - 's Up

 * Richie: Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours.
 * Eddie: It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?

 * [Richie and Eddie are watching a rented video]
 * Richie: It's not very sexy, is it?
 * Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
 * Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
 * Eddie: "Big Jugs"
 * Richie: [excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
 * Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
 * Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
 * Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!

 * Richie: I'm Church of England. What are you, Eddie?
 * Eddie: I don't know.
 * Richie: Well, what was your mother?
 * Eddie: A wrestler.

 * Eddie: What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
 * Richie: What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
 * Eddie: Yeah. What's so great about it?
 * Richie: Well it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop.

 * Eddie: Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!

 * Eddie: Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?
 * Richie: It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.
 * Eddie: (examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.
 * Richie: What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?
 * Eddie: You squirted that into your cheese roll.
 * Richie: But I ate that!
 * Eddie: (grinning) Yeah, I know.
 * Richie: Well why didn't you tell me?
 * Eddie: Because I don't like you very much.

 * Eddie: So what was your Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks?!
 * Richie: Dances With The Wind.
 * Eddie: That'll be the curry again.

Episode 6 - Accident

 * [Richie is going through his birthday cards, which he has written himself]
 * Richie: Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?

 * [Richie and Eddie are having an argument]
 * Richie: Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.
 * Eddie: Ah! What's that?
 * Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!

 * Eddie: Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.
 * Richie: It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.
 * Eddie: Read it.
 * Richie: "Madame Swish, 3:30." Oh!  Eddie!  You haven't?  Oh, what a pal you are.  "Madame Swish".  Ooh-err!  God, at last I'm really going to do it.  And on my birthday as well! Oh, I wonder what she's like?
 * Eddie: She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.
 * Richie: Really?
 * Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
 * Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick.  So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are!  And it's all paid for?
 * Eddie: Um, not exactly. I need a tenner.
 * Richie: A tenner. Right.  That's quite cheap, isn't it?
 * Eddie: Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.
 * Richie: How many ways are there?
 * Eddie: Well you'll come first, second or third?
 * Richie: Third? How many people are gonna be there?
 * Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
 * Richie: What!
 * Eddie: It's at Kempton.
 * Richie: Kempton?! I can't get all the way down to Kempton by 3:30!
 * Eddie: You won't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly.
 * Richie: They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?
 * Eddie: Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?
 * Richie: A horse?! Madame Swish is, is a horse!
 * Eddie: Yeah! What did you think it was?
 * Richie: Oh nothing. Just checking.
 * Eddie: I have given you a red-hot tip.
 * Richie: I know and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!

 * [Richie has returned from hospital]
 * Richie: I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!

 * Spudgun: What did medieval people do before telly?
 * Hedgehog: Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
 * Eddie: No, before telly was invented.
 * Hedgehog: Oh, they had cock-fights.
 * Spudgun: No wonder they all got the plague.

 * Richie: What was your name again?
 * Spudgun: Spudgun.
 * Richie: Spudgun? Why do they call you Spudgun?
 * Spudgun: Give me a potato and I'll show you why.
 * Eddie: No Richie, you don't want to see that.
 * Richie: Well, why do they call you hedgehog?
 * Hedgehog: Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

 * [Eddie is watching his highlight tape of Emmerdale Farm with his friends]
 * Eddie: That's him, that's the one! BASTARD! I hate 'im!
 * Hedgehog: [looking around] Who?
 * Eddie: [pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!
 * Hedgehog: Is that his own money?
 * Eddie: No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!

Episode 1 - Digger

 * Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say?
 * Eddie: Err... “Hello my dear, I’m a playwright you know. Go on, give us a snog.”
 * Richie: No, no…
 * Eddie: Uh, “Where’s my quill! Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?”
 * Richie: No, really, what was it he used to say?
 * Eddie: “What do you mean, it’s crap! There’s eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his Mum!”

 * Lily Linneker: Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?
 * Eddie: Oh, that’ll be me.
 * Lily Linneker: Any relation?
 * Eddie: [puzzled] Well, I’ve got a mother.
 * Lily Linneker: No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.
 * Eddie: Yes, that’s her!

 * [Eddie and Richie are filling out forms for a dating agency)]
 * Lily Linneker: Right, well, ah, let’s have a look at your forms then, shall we? All right. Oh, I see – you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with… and a whazzo pair of jugs?
 * Eddie: That’s right.
 * Richie: But obviously we’re flexible.
 * Eddie: Ah, but not about the jugs.
 * Richie: No, we have to be firm on the jugs.
 * Eddie: And the jugs have to be very firm.

 * Lily Linneker: (pointing to the television) Can you see alright?
 * Eddie: (confused) No, that’s why I wear glasses.
 * Richie: I have excellent eyesight. Which is remarkable when you think about it.

 * Richie: I really think this is the one, Eddie. Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension.
 * Eddie: What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense?
 * Richie: Oh, shut up Eddie.

 * Richie: This is just my London pomme de terre. My main castles are scattered all over the place, you know, ‘cause I never know where I’m going to be… these bloody fox hunts go on for ever these days, don’t you find? Never know where you’re going to end up. Start off in “Berkshire”, end up in, ah, eh eh, Twat—shire!

 * Lily Linneker: Lady Natasha Sarah Jane Wellesley
 * Ritchie: Oh, she sounds ni—
 * Lily Linneker: (continuing) Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, Third Vicountess of Maldavia
 * Eddie: Sounds great, we’ll have half a dozen!

Episode 2 - Culture

 * [Doing a crossword]
 * Eddie: Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".
 * Richie: Harold?
 * Eddie: Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!
 * Richie: Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we!
 * Eddie: No, we didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.

 * [How to pass the time without a TV]
 * Richie: What about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?
 * Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
 * Richie: Well, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"
 * Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
 * Richie: Oh. Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?
 * Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
 * Richie: (Annoyed) Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".
 * Eddie: Or a pin.
 * Richie: (Angrier) "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge"!
 * Eddie: We haven't got a sausage!
 * Richie: (shouting) "Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge"!
 * Eddie: (Beat) It's not much of a game, is it?

 * [Richie and Eddie have just played stick a piece of sellotape on the fridge. Eddie won]
 * Eddie: Who won?
 * Richie: Ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost, but how you play the game.
 * Eddie: Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure 1 in the air, waves his hands in the air]
 * Richie: Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you, yes. Yes, you did win. I mean for Heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD, VD, VD!

 * Richie: Molière! Molière! Oh, he could bash out a tune or two. [To a tune from The Four Seasons] Tum-tum tiddly-tum tum-tum-tum, tum – and the other twiddly bits. He was Scottish you know.
 * Eddie: Who, Vivaldi?
 * Richie: No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?

 * [Eddie is trying to teach Richie how to play chess]
 * Richie: Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.
 * Eddie: That's right.
 * Richie: [looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!

Episode 3 - Burglary

 * Richie: Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?
 * Eddie: (Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!

 * Richie: Eddie, how did you get this drunk on one pound seventy-five?
 * Eddie: There's a sale on at the chemists. Old Spice... 25p a bottle.

 * [Richie’s version of ‘The Sailor’s Hornpipe’]
 * Do your balls hang low?
 * Can you swing ‘em to and fro?
 * Can you tie ‘em in a knot?
 * Can you tie ‘em in a bow?
 * Do you get a funny feeling when they’re hanging from the ceiling?
 * Oh you’ll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!

 * Richie: I think there's someone in the drawing-room.
 * Eddie: The what-room?
 * Richie: The drawing-room.
 * Eddie: I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
 * Richie: You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
 * Eddie: Oh, the lounge!
 * Richie: That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!

 * [Eddie is talking about his mother]
 * Eddie: She left me on the doorstep, just me, the carry-cot, and this old revolver. Oh, and a little note that said, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered." She was a wonderful mother.
 * Richie: How do you know?
 * Eddie: I saw the article in the Police Gazette.

Episode 4 - Parade

 * [Richie is pretending to have fought in the Falklands when talking to a genuine veteran]
 * War Veteran: Yeah, I was in Two Para.
 * Richie: What, you went twice?
 * War Veteran: What regiment was you in then?
 * Richie: Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
 * War Veteran: No, what outfit was you in?
 * Richie: Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage!

 * Eddie: So, ah, what did you do then?
 * War Veteran: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
 * Eddie: Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?
 * War Veteran: Quite the opposite, actually.
 * Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
 * War Veteran: No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
 * Richie: Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?
 * Eddie: I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.

 * [In the lavatory, planning to steal the War Veteran's false leg and pawn it]
 * Eddie: Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip-jack jockstrap piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!

 * Eddie: Right, how much for this carved wooden leg?
 * Harry the Bastard: Now, there's a nice bit of objet d'art! Must be worth at least two and a half grand.
 * Eddie: Oh!
 * Harry the Bastard: I'll give you one pound fifty for it.
 * Eddie: Let's haggle.
 * Harry the Bastard: All right, a quid.
 * Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
 * Harry the Bastard: All right, 50p!
 * Eddie: Blimey, they don't call you "Harry the Bastard" for nothing, do they?
 * Harry the Bastard: No, they call me Ted!

 * [At the bookies]
 * Eddie: Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.
 * Bookie: Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?
 * Eddie: Of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!

 * Old Man: 7p on Sad Ken, please.
 * Bookie: 7p?
 * Old Man: Yeah, it's all Harry the Bastard would give me for my house.

 * [They are sharing war stories.]
 * Richie: You'll have to excuse Eddie, his mind's sort of blanked it out.
 * War Veteran: What, 'cos it's so horrible?
 * Richie: No, he's just got that sort of mind.

 * Richie: Right, quick, into the lavs! (toilets)
 * Eddie: Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast... you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!

 * Richie: Have you ever read The Joy of Sex?
 * Barmaid: No, I don't read things like that.
 * Richie: Well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures!

 * Eddie: My Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?
 * Richie: What?
 * Eddie: "AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! There all going shoot me! AAAAH! Mummy, I want to go home! AAAAHHH! AAHHH! AAHHH!."
 * Richie: (While slapping Eddie): Eddie, Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!

Episode 5 - Holy

 * [Christmas Day]
 * Richie: Right now look, there's only five hours until lunch, I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.
 * Eddie: Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
 * Richie: Oh, will you stop whinging Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!
 * Eddie: Then why are we having them then!?
 * Richie: Because it's Christmas!!

 * [Richie is telling Eddie how he's going to cook the chicken]
 * Richie: Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt.

 * Richie: Now, Eddie. Crackers?
 * Eddie: Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
 * Richie: No, I mean have you got the crackers?
 * Eddie: No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
 * Richie: Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
 * Eddie: Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table!

 * Richie: (Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember... erm...

 * Eddie: Half past eight and aaalllsss crap!
 * Richie: Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen! Here's a can of spray snow, you make everything look Christmassy. I'll go and scrub my sprouts.
 * Eddie: I thought you were gonna do some cooking?

 * Spudgun: Oh, what's that smell?
 * Eddie: That's lunch.
 * Spudgun: Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.

 * (When a baby is left on the doorstep.)
 * Spudgun: Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas!
 * Eddie: What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me.

 * Spudgun: I think his nappy needs changing.
 * Richie: What?
 * Eddie: Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.
 * Richie: Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!
 * Spudgun: But we are not worthy, oh holy one.
 * Eddie: Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.
 * Hedgehog: Right, oh one... what he said.
 * Richie: What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!

 * Spudgun: Merry Christmas everyone.
 * Richie: Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]
 * Hedgehog: What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.
 * Eddie: What woman?
 * Hedgehog: Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!

Episode 6 - 'S Out

 * Richie: Now can we just get our equipment out. I mean, I mean get our tackle out. I mean, get our gear... oh God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!

 * [Sitting around a campfire, they have no food left.]
 * Richie: What was that film where they ate each other?
 * Eddie: Deep Throat, wasn't it?
 * Richie: Oh, yeah. (beat) That was great!

 * [Sitting around acampfire, wondering where to get food]
 * Eddie: Hang on... this is Wimbledon Common isn't it?
 * Richie: Yes.
 * Eddie: Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.
 * Richie: Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
 * Eddie: Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
 * Richie: Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you that they were just puppets?
 * Eddie: Yes, it would.
 * Richie: Good. EDDIE, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS!

 * [Richie attempts to lull Eddie to sleep]
 * Richie: Night-Night, Sleep Tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Put it in a Cornish Stew. Into the ambulance, dring-dring-dring! Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee; Diddle-diddle-dee. Daddy's an accountant just like me. Night-Night, God Bless.

 * Richie: I think there's something outside.
 * Eddie: Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
 * Richie: You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
 * Eddie: Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?

Episode 1 - Hole

 * Richie: Well yes, I can see your point.
 * Eddie: It's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily.

 * Eddie: Hey, Richie! You know that Stork Margarine competition we entered?
 * Richie: Yeah!
 * Eddie: We didn't win it.
 * Richie: What?! Well, who did?
 * Eddie: Slip Digby.
 * Richie: Slip Digby? The organist?
 * Eddie: That's not what they called him in court.
 * Richie: What was the winning caption?
 * Eddie: "I like Stork Margarine because I've only got one leg".
 * Richie: (pause) Not bad
 * Eddie: Clever, clever bastard.

 * [A ferris wheel cart starts to collapse]
 * Richie: Splice my sausages!
 * Eddie: Cor Lummy!
 * Richie: Christmas Pudding!
 * Eddie: Blood and Stomach Pills!
 * Richie: ... hey Eddie!
 * Eddie: What?
 * Richie: We really know how to swear, don't we?
 * Eddie [Swearwords bleeped on TV]: You (fucking) well hit the (clit) right on the nail there, you (cunting) bastard.

 * Richie: Eddie, how do I look?
 * Eddie: Well, you use your eyes, don't you?

Episode 2 - Terror

 * [Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]
 * Child 1: Trick or treat, mister!
 * Eddie: What do you want!
 * Child 2: Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
 * Eddie: I'm sorry. I don't speak child.

 * Eddie: All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.

 * Eddie: Trick or Treat?
 * Spudgun: What does that mean?
 * Richie: It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
 * Spudgun: Why?
 * Eddie: Because it's the end of October!
 * Spudgun: I don't understand.
 * Richie: Look! We haven't got all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.
 * Spudgun: Are you on drugs? Can I have some?
 * Eddie: Dear, oh dear.
 * Richie: We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?
 * Eddie: (holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
 * Richie: Right. Give it to me.
 * Eddie: I beg your pardon?
 * Richie: I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
 * Eddie: Righto.
 * [Eddie charges up the cattle prod and zaps Richie, causing him to defecate in his pants]
 * Richie: Bear with me.
 * Eddie: That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!

 * Richie: I've got just got to finish off my Sprouts Mexicane and we're all set.
 * Eddie: Sprouts Mexicane?
 * Richie: (Proudly) Sproutes Mexicane!
 * Eddie: What's that?
 * Richie: Well it's... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tobasco sauce - well, three bottles actually. Not so much a hint, more a Party Political Broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gunpowder!
 * Eddie: ...Sprouts?
 * Richie: Yeah, they were left over from Christmas.
 * Eddie: But it's October!
 * Richie: Yeah, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover any embarrassment.
 * [The oven explodes.]
 * Richie: Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?
 * Eddie: I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.
 * Richie: Oh, hark at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!
 * [Richie eats a spoonful of sprouts, gags and promptly faints.]

Episode 3 - Break

 * Richie:: I'm gonna get me some liposuction!
 * Eddie:: (who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!

 * Eddie:: Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!
 * Richie:: Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Des's hammer-head!

 * Richie:: You've been drinking, haven't you?
 * Eddie:: HOW DARE YOU!?  [He struggles to his feet] How.. How... How dare you accuse me of drinkn-n-n-ninge?! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the television, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkn-n-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]
 * Richie:: No, but you have though, haven't you?
 * Eddie:: Yeah.

Episode 4 - Dough

 * [They have been forging money, and Richie finds a triangle-shaped banknote..]
 * Eddie: Now that is Welsh money.
 * Richie: They don't have any Welsh money!
 * Spudgun: No wonder they all vote Labour.

 * [Eddie has forged money with strange imagery on it.]
 * Eddie: Those are the Queen's jugs.
 * Richie: What?
 * Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs.
 * Richie: Eddie! A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not! She'd save 'em up for the fifty!
 * Eddie: Well, if you care to have a look at my fifty, you may find it a mite more risqué.
 * [Richie glances at the note and displays a look of alarm and disgust.]
 * Richie: That's disgusting!
 * Eddie: Yeah, I know!
 * Richie: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money?! Especially when you see what the Duke of Edinburgh's up to on the back of a tenner! (glances at the note) Who's that with him?
 * Eddie: Meryl Streep.
 * Richie: (reacts pervertedly) Hang on, she's got three knockers!
 * Eddie: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.

 * Eddie: (to barman) I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.

 * Dick Head: (on the phone) Hello, "Skullcrusher" Henderson? Yeah it's er, Dick Head here... no, don't laugh. I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position. What? Oh well it's Sylvester Stallone... fisting what looks like Mr. MacHenry from The Magic Roundabout.

 * Dick Head: So, Eddie...
 * Eddie: Uh-uh, my name is... Deirdre Barlow.
 * Spudgun: So's mine
 * Hedgehog: Mine too.
 * Eddie: (pointing to Richie) And his.
 * Dick Head: Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.
 * Richie: Should we send him some flowers?
 * Dick Head: No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.
 * Eddie: Is that bad?
 * Richie: And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...
 * Dick Head: Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen.
 * Richie: I think I'd better go to the lavvy.
 * Eddie: Me too.
 * Spudgun: And me!
 * Hedgehog: I've just been.

 * Dick Head: Right, next question; which is the greater, two dozen or a score?
 * Richie: [Pressing the buzzer with confidence] Daffodils!
 * Dick Head: Wrong.
 * Richie: It bloody is.
 * Dick Head: No, it isn't!
 * Richie: Are you calling me a liar?
 * Dick Head: No, I'm calling you a tosser.
 * Richie: Well that's ok, then.

Episode 5 - Finger

 * [Richie and Eddie are trying to steal a car]
 * Richie: Eddie
 * Eddie: Yeah?
 * Richie: How do you actually drive a car?
 * Eddie: Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine fires up...
 * Richie: Uh-huh.
 * Eddie: ...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!
 * Richie: Well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...
 * [Richie starts the car and hits the accelerator pedal, only to reverse through the front window of the local off-licence. Eddie starts grabbing cans of lager off the shelves]
 * Eddie: Hey, look, Richie! Special offer!

 * Marcel: Look! It's Ted Rogers in a dress!
 * Richie: Yeah, don't try that old "Hey, look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress" routine on me, Buster! Come on over here and get some good old-fashioned British violence!
 * Marcel: But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress! With a big seven-foot Neanderthal figure.
 * Eddie: That's not Ted Rogers! That's that bird from the abbatoir, that's getting married to "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones.
 * Richie: Yeah.
 * [Richie and Eddie gasp in horror]
 * Richie & Eddie: "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones?!
 * "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones: (from off-screen) That's right, you ignorant English wankers!
 * [A pair of cricket balls hit Richie and Eddie on their foreheads, knocking them out]

Episode 6 - Carnival

 * [Returning from a spot of looting during the annual Hammersmith riot]
 * Richie: You dropped it!
 * Eddie: Yeah, well i was being run over by the riot squad!
 * Richie: Well, two wrongs dont make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could have been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!
 * Eddie: She's married.
 * Richie: I know. To the wrong bloke!
 * Eddie: Still, at least we got the duck.
 * (Holds up a rubber duck)
 * Richie: The duck?
 * Eddie: Yeah, it's made out of plastic!
 * Richie: Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?
 * Eddie: It floats in the bath. [Puts duck in Richie's face] Hello!
 * Richie: Why?
 * Eddie: It's hollow!
 * Richie: [exasperated] Why the duck?!
 * Eddie: It came free with the telly.
 * Richie: Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!
 * Edie: Well, then it would sink in the bath!

 * Eddie: We've been burgled!
 * Richie: Well you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched... OH! Oh, burgled!

 * Eddie: That's it. I'm going to write to my MP!
 * Richie: (confused) Why?!
 * Eddie: Because... I love her!
 * Richie: (emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
 * Eddie: She's not, she's not!
 * Richie: She is, she is!
 * Eddie: (wailing) She's not, she's not!
 * Richie: QUIET! Spectacles!
 * [Eddie removes his glasses. Richie pokes him in the eye]''
 * Richie: Spectacles back on! [Eddie puts his glasses back on] Now calm down about Tony Blair.

 * Richie: Hello? Put me through to the Prime Minister! ...Because I want to blackmail him! ...It's Richard Richard. Oh shit! [hangs up] I accidentally gave my name away! You'll have to do it Eddie. Use an assumed name.
 * Eddie: Hello? I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister...Uh...Richard Richard.
 * Richie: You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool!

 * [The SAS storm the flat]
 * Richie & Eddie: Oh, shit!
 * [The SAS open fire.]

Bottom Live

 * Eddie: That's right, me old cockaleeky-mate-flap-sparrow-Cockney-rhyming-bollocks!

 * Richie: Don't touch my brick while I'm gone... I said "brick"! Not "penis"!

 * [After an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richie has, apparently, lost his penis.]
 * Richie: Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!

 * [Richie has been unable to say his lines because he has the giggles.]
 * Richie:: [laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]
 * Eddie:: You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.
 * Richie: LOOK SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.
 * Eddie: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
 * (Crowd cheers and Richie laughs again.)
 * Richie:: Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.

 * Eddie: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?
 * Richie:: Yes!
 * Eddie: Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.
 * Richie:: Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?
 * Eddie: Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!
 * Richie:: So let's talk bollocks!
 * Eddie: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
 * Richie:: So let's do what we always do!
 * Eddie: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
 * [Huge applause from the audience]
 * Eddie: Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.
 * Richie:: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
 * Eddie: [Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!
 * [Another huge applause]
 * Richie:: Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?
 * Eddie: That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!
 * [Another huge applause]
 * Richie:: [towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
 * Eddie: That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.

 * [Having told Eddie he intends to commit suicide, to Eddie's delighted response]
 * Richie: Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!

 * [Richie telling Eddie their breakfast options]
 * Richie: Eddie, I bring good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.
 * [Audience laughs and applauses]
 * Richie: So, what's it to be for breakfast this morning, me old buster?
 * Eddie(from toilet): I'll have a curry.
 * Richie: No, you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!
 * Eddie: Righto!

Bottom Live - The Big Number 2 Tour

 * [Richie slams the prop door. It opens by itself. The audience laugh. He tries it again. It opens again. A couple of audience members cheer, causing Richie to whisper "Fuck off!" to the audience]
 * Richie: (breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! CLOSE!
 * [Slams the door. It stays shut.]

 * Richie: [about the semtex] Where on Earth did you get it?
 * Eddie: Car Boot sale. Got it off these two blokes Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence. And their friend was there Pat O'Cake.
 * [Audience laughs as Eddie tries not to laugh.]
 * Richie: Pat O'Cake?
 * [Eddie is still trying not to laugh, the audience cheer.]
 * Eddie: Shut the fuck up!
 * Richie: Pat O'Cake?
 * Eddie: Pat O'Cake.
 * Richie: Baker's man?
 * Eddie: That's the one! God, I love that gag.
 * Richie: What a sad, lonely life you must lead.
 * Eddie: I'm afraid it is, yes.
 * Richie: Right, on with the plot, Eddie.
 * Eddie: There's a plot?!
 * Richie: Yes!
 * Eddie: Oh, fuck!

 * [Eddie with his revolver walks up to the parrot in its cage]
 * Eddie: I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of of Richie forgetting most of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!
 * Parrot: You fired six you big fat bastard!
 * Eddie: That's right!
 * [Eddie fires six rounds, shooting the parrot to pieces]
 * Eddie: But I fucking RELOADED!
 * [Richie brings in a wheelbarrow containing spare Semtex]
 * Richie: (calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a smidgen, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid-- [Richie unwinds the electric cable and quickly realizes that it was horribly tangled] Who fucked up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the fucking television as well!
 * Eddie: Right, that's it. I'm getting me beret and dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.
 * [Eddie mockingly turns away from the audience]
 * Richie: No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!

 * Eddie: The Queen?
 * Richie: Yes, and stand up when you say that.
 * Eddie: [stands up] The Queen?
 * Richie: Yes, and kneel down when you say that.
 * Eddie: [kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so fucking unpopular.

 * Richie: I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!
 * Eddie: [returns through the window] We've what?
 * Richie: Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.
 * Eddie: Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.
 * [pats Richie on the back]
 * Richie: Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!
 * Eddie: Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?
 * Richie: Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!
 * Eddie: The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?
 * Richie: Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!
 * Eddie: A-ha! [hangs up the phone]
 * Richie: Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?
 * Eddie: One pound.
 * Richie: ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?
 * Eddie: Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)
 * Richie: One pound?
 * Eddie: ...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.
 * Richie: So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?
 * Eddie: That's correct, yes. Well done.
 * Richie: Well, it's a result Eddie!
 * Eddie: Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!

 * Richie: What were the charges again?
 * Eddie: Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... wiggling our todgers at the Queen.
 * Richie: So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!
 * Eddie: I can't, I dunno what it means.

 * (Richie taunts an apparently unconscious Eddie)
 * Richie: Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!

 * Eddie: Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War.
 * Richie: What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful.
 * Eddie: Alright then he was in the crap war!
 * Richie: Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?
 * Eddie: Both.
 * Richie: Wow!
 * Eddie: Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!
 * Richie: Did he?
 * Eddie: Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans
 * Richie: Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?
 * Eddie: Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.
 * Richie: That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but... what the fuck's it got to do with anything?
 * Eddie: It's gas!
 * Richie: Yes, I know it's gas. I'm not a complete tosser.
 * Eddie: Yes, you are.
 * Richie: Well, I am a complete tosser, yes, but what d'you mean?

 * Richie: C'mon let's stage a mock trial.
 * Eddie: Oh, right you are.
 * Richie: Call Richard Richard!
 * Eddie: What shall I call him?
 * Richie: Don't fuck about.
 * [Audience laughs.]
 * Eddie: DON'T FUCK ABOUT!

 * Richie: What is it they say in downtown south central L.A?
 * Eddie: "Help! Help! I'm being raped, mugged and murdered!"

 * Richie: Welcome to sophisticated Oxford. (mimes masturbating and puts on an Oxford accent) "Have a wank, professor!" "May as well: the only other thing to do is catch a fucking BUS!" (huge applause)
 * Eddie: Are you finished now? Just I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry fucked off. (Richie laughs and there's a huge applause from the audience. Richie kneels to bow to Eddie.)

Bottom Live 3- Hooligans Island

 * Richie: Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?
 * Eddie: I beg your pardon?
 * Richie: God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?
 * Eddie: What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!
 * Richie: No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!
 * Eddie: WHEN? When was this?
 * Richie: Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!
 * Eddie: (Deliberately) I beg your pardon!
 * Richie: There you go again!
 * Eddie: No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.
 * Richie: Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!
 * (Eddie looks agape, as Richie descends into paranoia)
 * Richie: Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.
 * Eddie: Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)
 * Richie: Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.

 * Richie: Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.
 * Eddie: They disappeared.
 * Richie: Yeah, cos you threw them into the fucking audience!
 * Eddie: Hey, they reappeared.
 * Richie: Yeah, they fucking threw them back!

 * Richie: We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.
 * Eddie: Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.
 * Richie: [astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!

 * Richie: Wait, there's something written on the side. [reads] "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bombe". Shit, it's all in French.

 * Richie: You stupid fucking ring-sausage!

 * Richie: Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.
 * Eddie: Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?
 * Richie: There is that.
 * Eddie: I see your point.
 * Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
 * Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
 * Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
 * Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down?... Help! Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!
 * Richie: Quickly! Change routine! Change routine!

 * Eddie: Oh, look! Knackers!

 * Eddie: All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.
 * Richie: How long for?
 * Eddie: Until the end of time.
 * Richie: Righto.

 * Eddie: I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you.

 * Richie: You thorough and total wank biscuit!

 * Eddie: How did you actually catch this fish?
 * Richie: I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. No, no, no, no, no, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.
 * Eddie: So it was dead already?
 * Richie: Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.
 * Eddie: Was this in Bluffman's Cove?
 * Richie: Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

 * Richie: So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.
 * Eddie: What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

 * Richie: Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.
 * Eddie: Really, how did she feel?
 * Richie: She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!
 * Eddie: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
 * [pause]
 * Richie: Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, slim, modern comedians do that joke.
 * Eddie: Yeah, why's that?
 * Richie: 'Cos it's shit!
 * Eddie: You're not wrong there, matey!

 * Eddie: Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?
 * Richie: Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.
 * Eddie: No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?
 * Richie: What, with an onion up his bum?
 * Eddie: He could be French.

 * Eddie: ufasa retanga eranu uvavu
 * Richie: Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

 * Richie: Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!
 * Eddie: Well... we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

 * Richie: Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?
 * Eddie: Angus Deayton.
 * Richie: Angus Deayton, why?
 * Eddie: Because he's got autocue.
 * Richie: Oh yeah, lucky bastard.
 * Eddie: Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

 * Richie: [Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!
 * Eddie: Ohhhhhh, fuck.

 * Richie: Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

 * [Eddie returns from the secret Japanese bunker with a medical kit.]
 * Richie: Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...
 * [Turns around and notices the door has swung open. He laughs and points it out to Eddie who quickly runs over to close it again.]
 * Richie: Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]
 * Eddie: (to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!

 * Richie: Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?
 * Eddie: Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!
 * Richie: Really, Eddie? Which part?
 * Eddie: My arsehole.

 * Richie: What sort of bloke?
 * Eddie: Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.
 * Richie: A what?
 * Eddie: I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.

 * Richie: Aahh, paradise isn't it, Eddie? Beaches, palm trees, bam-BOO. Palm trees, beaches, bam-BOO. Sand, trees, bam-BOO... God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.
 * [There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"]
 * Eddie: We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

 * Richie: I think my theory holds water.
 * Eddie: And what theory is that?
 * Richie: That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.
 * Eddie: I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.

 * Eddie: Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.
 * Richie: HE was a volunteer.
 * Eddie: No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.
 * Richie: Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!
 * Eddie: Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.
 * Richie: Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.
 * Eddie: No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!

 * Eddie: Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.
 * Richie: Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!

 * [Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage]
 * Richie: Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause and the audience cheer) Fish are fucking frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire... (waits for audiences response which is dismal)
 * Eddie: Yeeeees...or get a papercut

 * [Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines]
 * Richie: Oh, Eddie!
 * Eddie: And whenever you can't remember you go "OH, EDDIE!"
 * Richie: Oh, Eddie.
 * Eddie: (turns to face Richie) Yes?
 * Richie: (panicking) oooooohhhh Eddie...oh, god...(relisation hits him)
 * (audience cheers)
 * Eddie: (cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.
 * Richie: ......Fuck!

 * [a prop Albatross has broken down at the side of the stage]
 * Richie: Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...
 * Eddie: Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the fucking prop man sacked!

 * [a bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head]
 * Richie: That's lucky, that is!
 * Eddie: What that you weren't standing here?
 * [Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head]
 * Eddie: Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was fuckin' great, fuckin' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all fuckin' pissed ourselves!"

 * Eddie: Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.
 * [picks up a knife]
 * Eddie: Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...
 * [slits his own tongue]
 * Eddie: Ooh fuckin' hell!

Bottom Live: 2001 An Arse Oddity

 * [The pair are alone in some domed room]
 * Richie: Hello?
 * Eddie: Hello!
 * Richie: No not you!
 * Eddie: Maybe I wasn't replying to you.
 * Richie: So then, there really is someone else here?
 * Eddie: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
 * Richie: Who is it?
 * Eddie: Its me! Hello!

 * Richie: Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!
 * Eddie: Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!

 * [Richie is wearing bright pink Underwear]
 * Eddie: Where did you get them from?
 * Richie: I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

 * [Talking about the Parrot]
 * Richie: What was that thing he used to say?
 * Eddie: Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?
 * Richie: No, not that one the other thing?
 * Eddie: Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!
 * Richie: That's the one.

 * Richie: Is Dave attacking that Seagull?
 * Eddie: Either that or he's shagging it.
 * Richie: No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.
 * Eddie: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!
 * Richie: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?
 * Eddie: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

 * Richie: Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?
 * Eddie: Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

 * Eddie: Where's the bar?
 * Richie: There's no bar!
 * Eddie: WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!
 * Richie: Language!
 * Eddie: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

 * Richie: Now...what other options have we got left? Let's just try and explore our parameters.
 * Eddie: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit, there's no corners to hide in!
 * Richie: Eddie! Just a little bit. Just a little touchy touchy, it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... fucking homo! Okay look, look look look look, forget that...why don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by?
 * Eddie: I don't think my mother would be too pleased.

 * Richie: Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

 * Richie: Before you go say something nice.
 * Eddie: Breasts!
 * Richie: No.
 * Eddie: Lager!
 * Richie: No, something else.
 * Eddie: I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.

 * Richie: Come on Eddie, think of the money!
 * Eddie: Money?! Are... Are you getting paid?
 * Richie: No. No, no, no, I don't get paid. It's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
 * Eddie: I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
 * Richie: What did you say?
 * Eddie: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
 * 'Richie: That's the one. He's getting far too old to play me with any conviction.

 * Richie: Who's that awful actor who plays you?
 * Eddie: Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?
 * Richie: Who? Chris Evans?
 * Eddie: Yeah.
 * Richie: No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

 * Richie: So let me get this right, so we aren't in some dark, godless void on the outer edges of human misery?
 * Eddie: No no, we're in Nottingham.
 * Richie: It's the same thing!

 * Richie: It's not our fault we've got such shitty actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.
 * Eddie: I thought you did.
 * Richie: It was one of my great improvisations.
 * Eddie: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
 * Richie: Yeah, it's not as bad, (corpsing) not as bad as... Oh, fuck!
 * [Audience cheers.]
 * Richie: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
 * Eddie: What were you doing during the interval?

 * Richie: Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...
 * Eddie: You want me slidle over to the front?
 * Richie: I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".

Bottom: Weapons Grade Y-Fronts Tour 2003

 * Richie: [Thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".

 * Richie: Is it me?...
 * Eddie [Interrupting Richie]: Yes (Audience laughs)
 * Richie: Is it me?...
 * Eddie: Yes, it is (Audience applauds)
 * Richie: Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...

 * Eddie (Reading): 'Ten seconds have passed since I fatefully partook in the Elixir of Life. Feeling groggy... oh, all seems to fade. Darkness comes... and anal leakage...'
 * Richie (Laughing): I don't remember him being that ill last night!

 * Eddie (Reading): 'Oh, shit, my bollocks have exploded!'

 * Richie (being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire): Action!
 * Eddie: Weight!
 * Richie (enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
 * Eddie: Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
 * Richie: I could still pass for 17!
 * Eddie: Stones! Now wait!
 * Richie: No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
 * Eddie: No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
 * Richie: Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
 * Eddie: Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
 * Richie (frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!

 * Eddie: And... weight.
 * Richie (sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
 * Eddie: Alright, 'fat'.
 * Richie: You can't put that!
 * Eddie: You're right. 'Very fat'.
 * Richie (trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
 * Eddie: Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.
 * Richie (annoyed): Let's just move on, shall we?
 * Eddie: Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
 * Richie: It doesn't say that!
 * Eddie (shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
 * Richie: Oh, so it does. Ok, next question!
 * Eddie: Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
 * (Richie buries his face in his hands)
 * Richie: They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?

 * Richie [after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]: You bastard! That's my wanking hand!
 * Eddie: Uh-uh; wanking finger.
 * Richie: Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.

 * Eddie: That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?

 * Eddie: Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!
 * Richie: Bloody hell!
 * Both: That's fast!

 * Richie: Just think, Eddie: if we go even further back in time, we could do some really old material! Just think: I might get erections again!

 * Richie (as Rick from The Young Ones): Oh, really great and bwrilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher! Thatcher!
 * [Eddie clears his throat and pretends to do his hair in Vyvyan's style].
 * Eddie (as Vyvyan): Have you got a video? Virgin! Virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil! (Gives a two fingered salute.)
 * Richie: ... You er... you haven't changed your material very much really, have you, Eddie?
 * Eddie: (Laughing) Stick with what works, that's my motto.

 * Richie: Eddie.... Eddie, come here! Come. Bloody. Here. (Eddie slowly walks towards Richie) I am going to swear at you! Don't be so sexy! DON'T! I'm going to swear at you, i'm jolly angry! Eddie, you.... BERK! You... FLIPPING NUISANCE! You stupid... effing... BUGGER! You bloody.... BUGGERING BASTARD BREAST-FACED BOLLOCK! YOU ARSEING... KNOBHEAD.... TIT-FACED.... FUCKING..... TWAT!

 * Richie: Oh, fuck the monologue! I'll go for a nasty!

 * Richie: Are you insane?!
 * Eddie: No... I'm in fucking agony!

title: Bottom (TV series)


text:
Blackie Lawless

Blackie Lawless (born 4 September 1956), American singer and guitarist of W.A.S.P.

Quotes

 * F*ck political correctness, that went down with the World Trade Center.
 * In the liner notes of the album "Dying for the World"

 * If you’re gonna take the audience on a life long ride, you’ve got to allow them to become intimate with you. If they’re not intimate, they’re never gonna know you.
 * KNAC Interview in 2002

 * One of the reasons why Chris [Holmes] and I hooked up is that we were such extreme personalities. We had the ability to be the nicest people you'd ever want to meet, but cross us and we could turn into the devil himself. There was just a wide range of emotions going on there, but probably artists in general are like that. They just have a wide emotional swing.
 * KNAC Interview in 2002

 * I can not draw or paint worth a damn, because I can't see it in my head before I do it. I can sculpt and I do crafts but I can not draw. When it comes to music I can hear it before it happens, which most people can't do.
 * Music America Interview

 * I have people constantly come up to me telling me that I have written their life. When I wrote the story I thought it was a pretty good story but I had no idea that many people felt like that.
 * Music America Interview

 * I care dearly for this country [USA]. I do love this country. I spend enough time overseas to realize that as bad as it is it's still probably about the best thing going. What kills me though is when I know it can be better.
 * Music America Interview

 * I was raised very religious. I always went to church. I am Jewish bloodline but I am Christian faith. I was brought up christian faith rather. I still have very deep beliefs in God and things like that but I don't subscribe to the organized religion that I grew up with.
 * Music America Interview

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Blackie Lawless


text:
Category:Nicktoons

These are television shows regularly aired their first-run episodes on Nickelodeon's schedule.

title: Category:Nicktoons


text:
User talk:25~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 18:29, 6 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called 25. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name 25~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

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Renamed
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title: User talk:25~enwikiquote


text:
Talk:Quotations

"You make Your own history." - Anonymous

Bold
Why are some quotes in bold lettering?

This shows the writers intention to make the readers see them and think for a second.

 * No, it shows that some editor has made the decision to highlight a particular quote at the expense of others. Ed Fitzgerald 09:21, 18 May 2007 (UTC)

commented out part
"QUOTES POSTED HERE THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH QUOTATIONS -- NEED TO BE RELOCATED"

 * Ask anything to the right person, and you will get the correct answer.
 * Alex Grigorijevic - Melbourne Australia March 2006

 * Labels are the little boxes that SOCIETY forces us into, so that IT can make sense of this thing we call life.
 * Tamryn Hunter
 * Play your life like a game of chess... With strategy and forethought.
 * Tamryn Hunter, February 2007

 * History belongs to those who dare to write it.
 * Steven Wang, 2005

Retrieved by Aphaia 19:11, 17 May 2007 (UTC)

Unsourced
Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to.

 * A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
 * Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

 * Wisdom is meaningless until your own experience has given it meaning ... and there is wisdom in the selection of wisdom.
 * Bergen Evens

 * And yes the reason I love quotes— it gets us back to the way life used to be and should be ... and we must be reminded as life is becoming very stressful, very busy, families are no longer what they used to be and I love to be reminded to slow down and smell the roses. Think about where you are going and what you are doing.  They truly give life perspective.
 * Bobbi Fillmore

 * Quotations help us remember the simple yet profound truths that give life perspective and meaning. When it comes to life's most important lessons, we can all use gentle reminders.
 * Chriswell Freeman

 * Stop quoting me!
 * Jimmy Henderson

 * What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
 * Doctor Who

 * Quotation is the highest compliment you can pay to an author.
 * Samuel Johnson

 * Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
 * Groucho Marx

 * A quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself.
 * A. A. Milne

 * Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
 * Samuel Palmer

 * Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
 * Hesketh Pearson
 * Nigel Rees implies in his Quote... Unquote Newsletter (Vol. 26, No 2, April 2017) that this quote appears in Pearson's Common Misquotations (1937). Unfortunately, I have not been able to verify this since I don't have access to the book. --Hughh (talk) 15:40, 1 April 2017 (UTC)

 * A witty quotation only makes the obvious less so, but it can also make the painfully obvious less painfully so.
 * R. G. Shemeley

 * If a man throws peaches at another man...he wants to fight!
 * Shawn Baker

 * Hush, little bright line, don't you cry, You'll be a clieché by and by.
 * Fred Allen

 * To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I hope for.
 * Alexander Smith

 * The wise make proverbs and fools repeat them.
 * Issac D'Israeli (1766-1848)

title: Talk:Quotations


text:
Sonic Youth

Sonic Youth was an American rock band based in New York City, formed in 1981. Founding members Thurston Moore (guitar, vocals), Kim Gordon (bass, vocals, guitar) and Lee Ranaldo (guitar, vocals) remained together for the entire history of the band, while Steve Shelley (drums) followed a series of short-term drummers in 1985, rounding out the core line-up. Jim O'Rourke (bass, keyboards, guitar) was also a member of the band from 1999 to 2005, and Mark Ibold (guitar, bass) was a member from 2006 to 2011.

Thurston Moore

 * "Tonight I am going to defecate on stage because I think that is the only way to express the nature of my soul according to rock and roll."
 * From "1991: The Year Punk Broke".

Daydream Nation album (1988)

 * To the extent that I wear skirts and cheap nylon slips I've gone native
 * The Sprawl, start, sung by Kim Gordon.

title: Sonic Youth


text:
Anselme Bellegarrigue

Anselme Bellegarrigue (born between 1820 and 1825) was an anarchist who took part in the 1848 French Revolution, and who founded the newspaper, L'Anarchie.

Anarchist Manifesto (1850)

 * As translated by Paul Sharkey (2002)

 * Indeed: Who says anarchy, says negation of government; Who says negation of government, says affirmation of the people; Who says affirmation of the people, says individual liberty; Who says individual liberty, says sovereignty of each; Who says sovereignty of each, says equality; Who says equality, says solidarity or fraternity; Who says fraternity, says social order; By contrast: Who says government, says negation of the people; Who says negation of the people, says affirmation of political authority; Who says affirmation of political authority, says individual dependency; Who says individual dependency, says class supremacy; Who says class supremacy, says inequality; Who says inequality, says antagonism; Who says antagonism, says civil war; From which it follows that who says government, says civil war.

 * Oui, l'anarchie c'est l'ordre; car, le gouvernement c'est la guerre civile.
 * Yes, anarchy is order, government is civil war.
 * Bellegarrigue is often credited with first using the slogan "Anarchy is order, government is civil war" in 1848; it may have been derived from Pierre-Joseph Proudhon's expression, in What is Property? An Inquiry into the Principle of Right and of Government (1840): "As man seeks justice in equality, so society seeks order in anarchy."

 * I am an anarchist, a political and social Huguenot; I deny everything and affirm naught but myself: because the sole truth of which I have material and moral proof and tangible, comprehensible and intelligible evidence, the only real, startling, non-arbitrary truth not susceptible to interpretation, is myself. I am. There I have a positive fact. Everything else is abstraction and, in mathematics, would be designated as "x", and unknown quantity; and I need not trouble myself with it.

 * Up to now you have believed in the existence of tyrants. Well, you were mistaken. There are only slaves. Where none obeys, none commands.

Quotes about Bellegarrigue

 * Most of the revolutionaries who turned toward anarchism as a consequence of 1848 did so by virtue of hindsight, but one man at least, independently of Proudhon, made his defense of the libertarian attitude during the Year of Revolutions itself. "Anarchy is order; government is civil war." It was under this slogan, as willfully paradoxical as any of Proudhon's, that Anselme Bellegarrigue made his brief, obscure appearance in anarchist history.
 * George Woodcock, in Anarchism: A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements (1962), p. 276

 * Bellegarrigue adhered to the central anarchist tradition in his idea of society as necessary and natural and as having “a primordial existence which resists all destructions and all disorganizations.” The expression of society Bellegarrigue finds in the commune, which is not an artificial constriction, but a “fundamental organism,” and which, provided rulers do not interfere, can be relied on to reconcile the interests of the individuals who compose it. It is in all men’s interests to observe “the rules of providential harmony,” and for this reason all governments, armies, and bureaucracies must be suppressed. This task must be carried out neither by political parties, which will always seek to dominate, nor by violent revolution, which needs leaders like any other military operation. The people, once enlightened, must act for itself.
 * George Woodcock, in Anarchism: A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements (1962), p. 276

title: Anselme Bellegarrigue


text:
Talking Heads

Talking Heads was an American rock band formed in 1975 in New York City and active until 1991. The band was comprised of David Byrne (lead vocals, guitar), Chris Frantz (drums), Tina Weymouth (bass), and Jerry Harrison (keyboards, guitar). Former art school students who became involved in the 1970s New York punk scene, Talking Heads integrated elements of punk, art rock, funk, and pop music with avant-garde sensibilities to become a pioneering post-punk and new wave group.

Song lyrics
All songs written and composed by David Byrne, except as noted.

Talking Heads: 77 (1977)

 * You start a conversation you can't even finish it. You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again? Psycho Killer, Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better, Run run run run run run run away.
 * ''Psycho Killer, written by David Byrne, Chris Frantz, and Tina Weymouth

Fear of Music (1979)

 * I'm checking them out, I'm checking them out. I got it figured out, I got it figured out. There's good points and bad points. Find a city, Find myself a city to live in.
 * Cities

 * Why stay in college? Why go to night school? Gonna be different this time. Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard, I can't write nothing at all. This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, This ain't no fooling around. I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you, I ain't got no time for that now.
 * Life During Wartime, written by David Byrne, Chris Frantz, Jerry Harrison, and Tina Weymouth

 * Heaven, Heaven is a place A place where nothing, nothing ever happens. Heaven, Heaven is a place A place where nothing, nothing ever happens.
 * Heaven, written by David Byrne and Jerry Harrison

Remain in Light (1980)
All songs written by David Byrne, Brian Eno, Chris Frantz, Jerry Harrison, and Tina Weymouth.

 * All I want is to breathe. I'm too thin. Won't you breath with me? Find a little space, so we move in-between. In-between it. And keep one step ahead, of yourself.
 * Born Under Punches

 * Facts are simple and facts are straight. Facts are lazy and facts are late. Facts all come with points of view. Facts don't do what I want them to. Facts just twist the truth around. Facts are living turned inside out. Facts are getting the best of them. Facts are nothing on the face of things. Facts don't stain the furniture. Facts go out and slam the door. Facts are written all over your face. Facts continue to change their shape.
 * Crosseyed and Painless

 * Sometimes the world has a load of questions Seems like the world knows nothing at all. The world is here but it's out of reach. Some people touch it...but they can't hold on.
 * The Great Curve

 * The world moves on a woman's hips. The world moves and it swivels and bops. The world moves on a woman's hips. The world moves and it bounces and hops.
 * The Great Curve

And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house ... with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, "Well ... how did I get here?"
 * And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.
 * Once in a Lifetime

 * Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by/water flowing underground. Into the blue again/after the money's gone. Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
 * Once in a Lifetime

 * Same as it ever was.
 * Once in a Lifetime

 * For a long time I felt without style or grace, Wearing shoes with no socks in cold weather. I knew my heart was in the right place, I knew I'd be able to do these things. And as we watch him digging his own grave, It was important to know that was where he's at. He can't afford to stop...that is what he believes. He'll keep on digging for a thousand years.
 * Houses in Motion

Speaking in Tongues (1983)

 * Watch out, you might get what you're after. Cool babies, strange but not a stranger. I'm an ordinary guy. Burning down the house. Hold tight, wait till the party's over. Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather. There has got to be a way. Burning down the house.
 * Burning Down the House

 * I . . . who took the money? Who took the money away? I . . . it's always showtime Here at the edge of the stage. I, I, I, wake up and wonder: What was the place, what was the name? We wanna wait, but here we go again...
 * Girlfriend Is Better

 * I got a girlfriend that's better than this. And you don't remember at all. As we get older and stop making sense, You won't find her waiting long. Stop making sense, stop making sense...stop making sense, making sense. I got a girlfriend that's better than that And nothing is better than this (is it?).
 * Girlfriend Is Better

 * Home is where I want to be. Pick me up and turn me round. I feel numb - burn with a weak heart. (So I) guess I must be having fun. The less we say about it the better. Make it up as we go along. Feet on the ground, Head in the sky. It's OK, I know nothing's wrong . . nothing.
 * This Must Be The Place

 * Hi yo I got plenty of time. Hi yo you got light in your eyes. And you're standing here beside me. I love the passing of time. Never for money, Always for love.
 * This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)

 * I'm just an animal looking for a home. Share the same space for a minute or two. And you love me till my heart stops. Love me till I'm dead.
 * This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)

Little Creatures (1985)

 * And she was drifting through the backyard, And she was taking off her dress. And she was moving very slowly, Rising up above the earth. Moving into the universe, Drifting this way and that. Not touching ground at all, Up above the yard. The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was). The world was moving she was floating above it (and she was) and she was.
 * And She Was

 * This is a perfect world. I'm riding on an incline. I'm staring in your face, You'll photograph mine.
 * Perfect World, lyrics by David Byrne and Chris Frantz

 * Baby, baby, please let me hold him. I wanna make him stay up all night. Sister, sister, he's just a plaything. We wanna make him stay up all night.
 * Stay Up Late

 * Well, we know where we're going, But we don't know where we've been. And we know what we're knowing, But we can't say what we've seen. And we're not little children. And we know what we want. And the future is certain. Give us time to work it out.
 * Road to Nowhere

 * There's a city in my mind. Come along and take that ride. And it's all right, baby, it's all right.
 * Road to Nowhere

True Stories (1986)

 * I wrestle, with your conscience. You wrestle, with your partner. Sittin' on a window sill, but he Spends time behind closed doors.
 * ''Wild Wild Life

Naked (1988)
Cars have run on gasoline. Where, where have they gone? Now, it's nothing but flowers.
 * From the age of the dinosaurs,
 * (Nothing But) Flowers

I wish I had a lawnmower.
 * If this is paradise
 * (Nothing But) Flowers

 * Once there were parking lots, Now it's a peaceful oasis. You got it, you got it. This was a Pizza Hut, Now it's all covered with daisies. You got it, you got it.
 * (Nothing But) Flowers

Nobody paid much attention.
 * And as things fell apart,
 * (Nothing But) Flowers

I can't get used to this lifestyle
 * Don't leave me stranded here.
 * (Nothing But) Flowers

title: Talking Heads


text:
Tibor Fischer

Tibor Fischer (born 15 November 1959 in Stockport, England) is a British novelist and short story writer.

The Thought Gang (1994)

 * Opening the fridge door, I found a rat eating the cheese. My dealings with rodents, particularly those tagged verminous, have been few, but generally the pattern has been one of man, the boss, the caretaker of creation, the namer, appearing and the lower orders hitting the road.
 * Page 63.

 * Methods Used 1. Marxist: You decide you're the vanguard of the proletariat and then you can do whatever you want because history will back you up. 2. Stoic: Stay very calm. 3. Positivist: Yes, I'm positive I want to rob this bank.
 * Page 97.

 * Jocelyne clicked her barbell on her teeth. I was watching her closely for signs of collapsing romance.  Her tongue was pierced, (a process, she had elaborated, that had taken two weeks of painful healing) and it put me in mind of the tongue-piercing ceremony endured on October 28, 709 AD by the principal wife of Shield Jaguar, Blood Lord of Yaxchilan (Lintel 24); i.e. to my eye, pointless, but if it's good enough for the Mayans ...
 * "Why did you do it?"
 * "To punish my tongue, for saying things it shouldn't have." Click.
 * "But surely it was only obeying orders?"
 * "It has to learn to be warier of its mistress. And it's also a symbol."  Click.
 * "What of?"
 * "That changes from day to day. It's a multi-purpose symbol."
 * See wikipedia on Yaxchilan.

 * Best of things symbolised by Jocelyne's barbell: "It's a symbol of the need for symbols." "How life shrapnels us." "Assistant bank manageress on the outside, primitive on the inside." "Of whatever I feel like." "That you can do stupid things at any point in your life."
 * Page 204.

 * You've got to try everything once, except those things you don't like, or that involve a lot of effort and getting up early.
 * Page 205.

 * The impossible lives next door to the possible; people ring its door bell by accident all the time.
 * Page 226.

title: Tibor Fischer


text:
A. S. Byatt

Dame Antonia Susan Byatt DBE (24 August 1936 – 16 November 2023) was an English novelist, critic and academic. She was usually known as A. S. Byatt.

Possession (1990)

 * Despite the snow, despite the falling snow.
 * p. 149.

 * I shall from time to time write a small Clue — so that you may be the more thoroughly confounded.
 * p. 178.

 * And where may hide what came and loved our clay? as the Poet asked finely.
 * p. 223; the poet being Robert Browning in Epilogue in his collection of poems Dramatis Personae.

 * There are things that happen and leave no discernible trace, are not spoken of or written of, though it would be wrong to say that subsequent events go on indifferently, all the same, as though such things had never been.
 * Postscript, p. 508.

title: A. S. Byatt