text:
Six Feet Under

Six Feet Under (2001–2005) is a critically acclaimed and popular television drama produced by HBO. It first aired on June 3, 2001 and ended on August 21, 2005, after 5 seasons.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Old Man: You've done a nice job. She looks peaceful.
 * David: Well, she is at peace now.
 * Old Man: If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in Hell.

 * Nate: Everybody forgives everybody for everything.

 * Nate: I refuse to sanitize this anymore!
 * David: This is how it's done.
 * Nate: Yeah? Well, it's whacked. What is this stupid salt-shaker? Huh? What is this hermetically sealed box? This phony Astroturf around the grave? Jesus, David, it's like surgery. Clean. Antiseptic. Business. He was our father!
 * David: Please don't do this.
 * Nate: You can pump him full of chemicals. You can put makeup on him. You can prop him up for a nap in the slumber room; but the fact remains, David, that the only father we're ever gonna have is gone! Forever … and that sucks, but it's a goddamned part of life and you can't really accept it without getting your hands dirty. Well, I do accept it, and I intend to honor the old bastard by letting the whole world see just how fucked up and shitty I feel that he's dead! God damn it!
 * Priest: Amen.

 * David: What the hell?
 * Ruth: There's been an accident. The new hearse is totaled. Your father is dead. Your father is dead, and my pot roast is ruined.

 * Nathaniel Sr.: [to Nate] Well, well, the prodigal returns. This is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy. Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it? And you thought you'd escape. Well, guess what? Nobody escapes.

 * Nate: When I went backpacking through Europe after I quit school, I went to this island off the coast of Sicily—it’s this volcanic island—and on the boat over, there was this pine box. Somebody from the island was being returned to be buried there. And there were all these old Sicilians dressed up all in black, waiting, just lined up on the beach. And when they got that coffin to the beach, those old Sicilian women just went ape-shit, screaming, throwing themselves on, beating their chests, tearing at their hair, making animal noises, and it was just so…so real. I mean, I’ve been around funerals my entire life, but I had never seen such grief. And at the time, it gave me the creeps, but uh…now I think it’s probably so much more healthy than…this.

 * Tracy Montrose Blair: [to David, talking about the music at the funeral] Anyway, I so prefer this light, classical -- you know, chamber orchestra stuff.  It's still spiritual, but doesn't seem so dated or depressing. [Laughs]  I studied music appreciation when ... [what she's actually saying fades out and what we now hear is in voice-over -- what David hears her saying in his head.]  You think I'm really boring, don't you?  Well, get used to it, because now that your father is dead, you can forget about ever going to law school. It's just you and dead people and freaks like me for the rest of your life!"
 * David: [screams]

The Will [1.02]

 * Brenda: Well, we're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.

 * Rico: [referring to the deceased's erection] Angel lust. You can be dead, but you're never really dead.

 * Nathaniel Sr.: [commenting on his own headstone] Is that the best anyone could come up with? "Father, husband, caregiver"?
 * Nate: What would you prefer? "Introvert, sadist, mindfucker"?

 * Claire: What am I, some knocked-up Victorian wife that has to stay hidden from view?

 * Nate: I, uh, think Mr. Suarez kinda shit himself. Is that normal?
 * David: You stopped to eat? Do you have any respect for human life at all?
 * Nate: I have a huge respect for human life! I just didn't know that they can take a dump when they're dead!
 * David: Well, they can. Make a note of it!
 * Ruth: Boys, I don't like this bickering.
 * David: Yeah, and I don't like you sleeping with hairdressers. ''[Ruth slaps David. David walks away, followed by Nate]
 * Nate: Look, don't take this out on Mom. What is it that you want to say to me?
 * David: Well, there's a body that's spent over two hours in a van. Unrefrigerated. Decomposing at a rate much faster than you could ever imagine. Thanks for making my life just that much more difficult. Thanks for undermining my authority with our employees. And thanks for making so clear to me that my choice to dedicate myself to this business and to this family was really stupid, because apparently I would have be rewarded just the same for wasting my life.
 * Nate: Oh, my life is a waste? Well, fuck you. At least I enjoy it.
 * David: Well, lucky you.
 * Nate: Dave, at least let me help.
 * David: You've helped enough.

The Foot [1.03]

 * Claire: I wish that just once people wouldn't act like the clichés that they are.

 * Ruth: You both look so happy. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Which isn't very long. You think you have forever, but you don't. Soon you start to get on each other's nerves. Then you don't tell the other person as much as you used to, 'cause, really, what's the point? You thought they understood you, but they never did … not really. Finally, not only do you not tell the other person anything real, you actively start lying to him. And then, when you think it can't get any worse, he up and dies! No matter what you do, you end up alone, not knowing who you are or what you really want!

 * David: I don't understand kids! When I was her age, I never would've taken a foot!
 * Keith: David, I can help. I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.
 * David: You find feet?

 * Brenda: I don't want any children.
 * Nate: Wow! Who said anything about children?
 * Brenda: I was referring to you.

 * Ruth: Okay, I'm a terrible mother who's responsible for all your problems! Happy?

Familia [1.04]

 * Brenda: No mistake, you guys are undertakers. You take every fucking feeling you have, put it in a box and bury it.

 * Paco: [to David] This is some fucked-up way to make a living, you know that?

 * Powerful: Hey, where you from, dawg?
 * Rico: [to Mr. and Mrs. Bolin] One moment, please. [leaves the intake room and takes Powerful to the Wisteria Room] "Where you from"? Like in, where my parents were born? San Lorenzo, Puerto Rico. "Where you from" as in, what gang I belong to? I'll tell you what gang I belong to: the gang that's gonna help you bury your friend. The gang that's gonna be there for you and your cholos for when every other fucking home doesn't wanna deal with your tired-ass bullshit. Your friend is dead, man. Now, do you want me to help you, or do you want to just go heads up?

 * [Nate and David have lunch at a diner with Matt Gilardi from Kroehner Services International and talk about their decision to not sell Fisher & Sons.]
 * Matt Gilardi: Okay, I'll make it simple; you either accept my offer by the end of the day or I'll make it my personal mission to bury you by the end of the month. David, you in on this suicide mission?
 * David: You just threatened my family.
 * Matt Gilardi: Let's not be melodramatic.
 * David: What do you expect us to do? Run and hide, sell and be grateful, pack up and move?
 * Matt Gilardi: If you're smart.
 * David: You have the entire Kroehner organization behind you, and what do we have? You. Because one day when your mind isn't on Fisher & Sons, I will find you or someone you love. [Gilardi laughs.] I'm not saying anyone's going to die. There are tragedies far worse things than death: things you couldn't even dream of, you spineless, candy-ass, corporate fuck. Just give me a reason. It's your decision. Are we worth the trouble, Mr. Gilardi? [Gilardi looks nervously at David.] Lunch is over, get lost.
 * Nate: [to Matt Gilardi] Are you deaf? [Gilardi leaves.]

 * Paco: [to David] You ever see sunlight, or you gotta avoid it?

An Open Book [1.05]

 * Nate: This is my … uh, my girlfriend, Brenda.
 * Brenda: I prefer the term "fuck puppet."

 * Brenda: You don't really believe in God, do you?
 * Nate: Well yeah. I mean, I don't believe in a bearded little old man up in a cloud but I believe in something. Some sort of undefinable creative force.
 * Brenda: I think it's all just totally random.
 * Nate: Really?
 * Brenda: Yeah. We live, we die. Ultimately, nothing means anything.
 * Nate: How can you live like that?
 * Brenda: I don't know. Sometimes I wake up so fucking empty that I wish I'd never been born, but what choice do I have?

The Room [1.06]

 * Nathaniel Sr.: So I'm walking along one day, and this asshole stops me and asks me if I'm all right. He says I got a look. He'd seen a man with that same look once and had ignored it, and that man had jumped out a nine-story window. You know the reconstruction involved in a death like that? This business gets under your skin, it's like a fucking virus. They can even see it on your face, smell it on you.
 * Nate: What the hell is this place, this music? Since when did you listen to the Classics IV? What the hell did you do here? Who the hell are you?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: So many questions. Why couldn't you ask 'em when I was still alive? It's okay, I couldn't answer most of them anyway, unlike now. Now I'm a fucking prophet.
 * Nate: All right.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Think I'm kiddin,' buddy boy? That's one of the perks of being dead: you know what happens after you die – and you know the meaning of life.
 * Nate: That seems fairly useless.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Yeah, I know – life is wasted on the living.
 * Nate: Could've told me you were proud of me.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Never around for me to tell, which is exactly what I was proud of you for. Therein lies your Catch-22.
 * Nate: So what's the meaning of life?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: You really wanna know?
 * Nate: I don't know. Will it fuck me up if I do?

-
 * David: Thank you, Nate, I appreciate your honesty, wrapped as it was in such a bouquet of condescension.

Brotherhood [1.07]

 * Father Clark: The hardest part about my work is the fact that most people don't want a real relationship with God. Yeah, sure, they'll pray to a man nailed to a cross, but they'll – they'll ignore the gay kid who gets strung up, or the black man who gets dragged behind a car, or someone's mother living in a box.

 * Ruth: Is this a school trip?
 * Claire: No. You go to the mountains and confront fear and get in touch with your most basic self... It looks good on your college application.

 * Father Clark: Well, religion is politics, David. Jesus was a revolutionary, threatened those in power, and they had him assassinated. And they'd do the same thing to him today.

 * Teacher: Algebra forces your mind to solve problems logically. It's one of the only perfect sciences—
 * Claire: You think the world runs on logic? Come on. Open your eyes.

 * Nate: Sorry, there was an accident on the 405. Both cars totaled. Should have stopped to hand out cards.

Crossroads [1.08]

 * Nate: Come on, Dave. I watch Will & Grace. I have gay-dar.
 * David: Okay, don't say gay-dar.

 * Parker: Good. That's what I want people to think.
 * Claire: When in reality you're, like, this compulsive liar, danger slut.
 * Parker: I thought you were, like, this Goth arty freak girl......who was, like, tragic and suicidal.
 * Claire: Oh, my God, that is so not who I am.

Life's Too Short [1.09]

 * Brenda: You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.

 * Ruth: Nathaniel, what happened to us? We were so in love once.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Life happened to us. I buried hundreds of people, and we watched each other grow old.
 * Ruth: But we're not old.
 * Nathaniel: Well, technically speaking, I'm as old as I'm ever going to get.
 * Ruth: We were such children when we met. Then we watched those children disappear.

 * Ruth: I miss what we had.
 * Nathaniel: So find it again.

The New Person [1.10]

 * Ruth: Thank you. I've had the best time coming to this funny restaurant and having you yell at me in the bathroom!

 * Angela: I never worked in a funeral home that was this depressing.

 * Margaret: You know, some complete stranger just grabbed my ass! Isn't this fabulous?

 * David: All she told the police is that he was boring.
 * Nate: What, that's it? … Sick part is, I understand it. … Sometimes I'm boring.
 * David: Me, too. [awkward silence]

 * Ruth: Sometimes people are hard to take but only because the first side they present is annoying or aggressive because they're nervous. After you spend some time with them you realize maybe there's another side to them that's worth knowing

The Trip [1.11]

 * [David is getting a lap dance.]
 * Stripper: Aren't you enjoying this even one bit?
 * David: Yeah, I'm loving it. Why?
 * Stripper: Well, your dick isn't responding.

A Private Life [1.12]

 * Protester: God hates fags!
 * Nate: [to protester] God hates morons!

 * David: Please, God. Help me. Take this pain away. Please fill this loneliness with your love. Help me, God, please, help me.

Knock, Knock [1.13]

 * Tracy Montrose: Why do people have to die?
 * Nate: To make life important.

In the Game [2.01]

 * Rico: Now, this is a beautiful and unusual cremains vessel. The ashes actually fill these dolphins, which are carved out inside.
 * Brody: She wasn't really into dolphins. I remember somebody suggesting she boycott tuna, y'know, because of the whole dolphins-getting-caught-in-the-net thing. And she said, "Fuck dolphins, I want a Niçoise salad."

 * Gabriel: I was in school today. I just wasn't in American History. I mean, who needs to know that shit anyways?
 * Claire: Well, somebody who wants to have some concept of how the world works so they can have a fucking chance in life.

 * Pastor: We tend to forget how many gifts God has given each and every one of us because our lives are so filled with distractions, crowded with messages competing for out attention, encouraging us to be unhappy with our lives. If only we looked younger, had perfect skin, zero body fat. The truth of the matter is, God loves us just the way we are.

 * Brody: [singing] Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life. Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia. Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air like smoke.

 * Nate: All that lives, lives forever. Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end. Eternal. Deathless.

Out, Out Brief Candle [2.02]

 * Nate: Everything's bad for something.

 * Brenda: That's the thing about depression: if you really allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring very fast.

The Plan [2.03]

 * Mrs. Piper: I'm a psychic, so, y'know …
 * David: Wow, that must be very interesting.
 * Mrs. Piper: It's just more information.

 * Claire: You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make the coffee even if that person has a penis!
 * Nate: Well, you know, it's also polite for the first person who uses the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there even if that person has a vulva.
 * Ruth: [entering] Oh goodness, everyone's here.
 * David: With all their genitalia.

 * Gary: No one can ever solve someone else's life.
 * Claire: So basically, your job is pointless.
 * Gary: No one but a guidance counselor, I mean.

 * Ruth: You want me to complain? Alright then, Fuck this. Fuck you; fuck all of you and your sniveling self pity, and fuck all your lousy parents. Fuck my lousy parents while were at it. Fuck my selfish, bohemian sister and her fucking bliss. Fuck my legless grandmother. Fuck my dead husband, and my lousy children with their nasty little secrets. And fuck you Robby for dragging me to this terrible place and not letting me have a snickers bar. I'm going to get something to eat!

 * Brenda: Academia is one huge circle jerk. All the sequestered people desperately defending the one good idea they have had in their lives.

 * Nate: What about you saying that things happen that leave marks … in people, in space, in time?
 * Brenda: Yeah, that's physics. Energy affecting matter. Talking to dead people is delusional.
 * Nate: So you definitely don't believe in any kind of a life after death?
 * Brenda: I think people live on through the people they love and the things they do with their lives … if they manage to do things with their lives.
 * Nate: But that's it, that's it? That's all there is, there's nothing more, there's nothing like bigger?
 * Brenda: Just energy.
 * Nate: But there's no plan, no—
 * Brenda: No, there's definitely no plan. Just survival. Should I have ordered the salmon?
 * Nate: Uh, I don't know. How can you live like that? I mean, what if you found out you were gonna die tomorrow?
 * Brenda: I've been prepared to die tomorrow since I was six years old.
 * Nate: Really?
 * Brenda: Yeah, pretty much. We never got butter.
 * Nate: Well, why, since you were six?
 * Brenda: Because I read a report on the effect nuclear war would have on the world, and it was pretty clear to me at that point that this was definitely gonna happen.
 * Nate: When you were six?
 * Brenda: And I wake up every day pretty much surprised that, um … everything is still here.
 * Nate: Well, I don't understand how you can live like that.
 * Brenda: Well, I thought we all did.

 * Nathan: The only god I know is a mean-spirited comedian in ugly pants whose every joke has the same damn punchline.

Driving Mr. Mossback [2.04]

 * Nate: Yeah, I'll have a double dub – uh – uh – a – a Chubby – a double Chubby – a Chubby Chubby – a double double – a double chubby – a chubby chubby – a chub – I'll have a doub – I'll have a double Chubby cheeseburger. [scrunches eyes, having a major headache] Oh, fuck me!

The Invisible Woman [2.05]

 * David: Maybe Emily Previn was autistic. I read an article once about a high-functioning autistic person who didn't need people. She just had a job designing these big cattle slaughterhouses. At night, she came home and sat in a machine that made her feel like she was being hugged. And that was all the intimacy she needed.
 * Nate: That's really upsetting.
 * Claire: I don't see why this person has to be mentally ill just because she had a life that doesn't conform to some familiar image that we have in our heads. Maybe she was living the life she wanted. The life without the hassle of other people.
 * Ruth: What kind of a life is that?

 * Brenda: You know, it's just so sad that you can love somebody so much and have absolutely no idea what's going on in their head.

In Place of Anger [2.06]

 * [Brenda tells her massage client to roll onto his back. When he does so, she notices that he has an erection.]
 * Client: Sorry. Happens to me all the time.
 * Brenda: Nothing I haven't seen before, so don't be embarrassed.
 * Client: Who said I'm embarrassed?
 * Brenda: Hm. [laughs gently, tries to go back to her work] Okay. [stares at his erect penis and then at him. Puts her hand on it and gives him a strong handjob.]

 * [Nate and Brenda are talking about the book she is writing.]
 * Nate: Well, who's Christina? Is that your fictional alter ego? Your Holden Caulfield?
 * Brenda: She's more like my Humbert Humbert. [Nate stares blankly] You know, my Constance Chatterley. [Nate looks slightly confused] She's like Hermione in the Harry Potter books.
 * Nate: What would you rather have: some overly-educated gasbag like Trevor … or a semi-literate fuck machine like me? Come on.
 * Brenda: That's a no-brainer, no pun intended.

Back to the Garden [2.07]

 * Rabbi: Maybe your soulmate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most?

 * Rabbi: Better is one day in this life than all eternity in the world to come.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year [2.08]

 * [Brenda browses through clothes in a department store when a saleswoman approaches her.]
 * Saleswoman: Anything I can help you with?
 * Brenda: Yes, I'm looking for clothes so expensive only an idiot would buy them. [walks over to a skirt] Oh, there they are! [saleswoman walks away angrily]

 * [A male shopper smiles at Brenda as she buys clothes. They slowly approach each other.]
 * Brenda: Excuse me. [reaching for a skirt]
 * Man: Be my guest. [Brenda slowly puts her hand on his and lightly brushes it with her fingertips. He reacts by slowly putting his hand on her butt.  Brenda thinks for a moment and then moves his hand to her front and puts it up her dress.  He starts giving her a handjob below her dress.]
 * Saleswoman: Excuse me. Your wife would like you to see how she looks in her Jill Sanders sweater. [the man leaves.] And I think you should leave, or I'll have to call Security.
 * Brenda: [leaving] Do you validate?

 * Nate: Oh, you know what? You don't want to be with me, then don't, alright?
 * Brenda: Nate, I'm kidding, come on... Of course I want to be with you, I love you!
 * Nate: Yeah? Well then why do you treat me like shit all the time?
 * Brenda: Because I had a really fucked up life and I use sarcasm to hide how ridiculously vulnerable I really am... Hey, come on, Jesus, you know that.

Someone Else's Eyes [2.09]

 * Brenda: All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here... now.

 * [During an intake, the stepmother and the daughters are bickering over the decedent's request to be buried beside his first wife.]
 * Daughter #1: It's what our father wanted.
 * Stepmother: No, it's what you want, because you never liked me!
 * Daughter #1: Well, you got that right.
 * Stepmother: You hate that you couldn't control your father when he was alive, and now you're trying to do it when he's dead.
 * Daughter #2: It was his decision!
 * David: There is a significant unpaid balance on the account.
 * Daughter #1: We'll pay for it!
 * Stepmother: If you take one cent from him, you'll be hearing from my attorney!
 * David: I really don't think that's necessary.
 * Stepmother: Oh, no? I gave the last six years of my life to that man; and contrary to what these stupid bitches think, I really did love him and I will not be humiliated like this!
 * Daughter #2: Yeah, well, if you do not follow our father's instructions exactly, you'll be hearing from our attorney, who used to work for Disney.
 * Stepmother: Oh, bring it on, ferret face!
 * Daughter #2: Oh, fuck you, you gold-digging slut!
 * Stepmother: How dare you!
 * Daughter #2: There are naked pictures of you on the Internet! My son showed them to me!
 * Nate: Shut up! All of you, shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ, a man died. Your husband, your father lived a life, and now he's dead. Show some respect.

 * Billy: I'm not saying that you did it on purpose! But I do think we need to disengage from each other, because our relationship is really toxic.

The Secret [2.10]

 * Ruth: So, what's new?
 * Brenda: Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County. And I have absolutely no idea why.

 * Margaret: More punch, anyone?
 * Claire: Sure, I'll take another hit.
 * Margaret: Are you sick, dear, or are you always this deathly pale?

 * Dr. Michaelson: [as imagined by Brenda] I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you because you don't need any help. You've clearly evolved beyond the need for therapy. I'm actually in awe of you because I'd be fucking strangers like a truck-stop whore on crack if I wasn't so inhibited by my pathetic Judeo-Christian upbringing.

The Liar and the Whore [2.11]

 * Claire: If we live our lives the right way, then every single thing we do becomes a work of art.

 * Brenda: [after sex] Okay, you guys need to go now.
 * Short Stoner: Okay, then.
 * Tall Stoner: Hm, can I have your number?
 * Brenda: Why? So we can date?
 * Tall Stoner: [as they leave] Late.'

 * Ruth: Claire, are you depressed?
 * Claire: I'm not even going to answer that question.
 * Ruth: Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you don't blame me.

I'll Take You [2.12]

 * Ruth: I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school.
 * Claire: Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it.

 * [Keith cleans the house and David combs Taylor's hair for a social worker's visit.]
 * David: What are you looking for?
 * Keith: Anything that seems too, uh … funny.
 * David: Funny "ha-ha," or funny gay?

The Last Time [2.13]

 * Ruth: Clearly there's something wrong with me that you hide something like this from me, your brother and sister knew for months.
 * Nate: I wanted to protect you …
 * Ruth: You're not supposed to protect me. I'm supposed to protect you. That's what a mother does. She tries. Most of the time she fails, but how are you ever going to feel loved if you don't ever let me try?
 * Nate: I do. I do feel loved.
 * Ruth: [crying] There's just so many months I could have loved you better.
 * Nate: You loved me fine.
 * Ruth: You're everything … you're everything to me, and you don't even know it.
 * Nate: [crying] Oh, God, I don't wanna go. Oh, I can't do this. I can't!
 * Ruth: I won't let you go. I'll never let you go.

 * Phil: Come back tomorrow noon, we'll torch him then.

 * Parker: That little Indian bitch turned herself in so that she wouldn't come back as a rodent.

 * Claire: [on Nikolai] How thrilled are we that we never have to call him "Daddy"?
 * David: Thank God she snapped out of it.

Perfect Circles [3.01]

 * Nate: [about the Bennett funeral] Can't Rico do it?
 * David: I believe his exact words were: "No fucking way. I'm not your fucking gopher any more."

 * Nate: [about Maya] You guys, she took the most amazing poop this morning!
 * David: Who, Lisa?

The Eye Inside [3.03]

 * Olivier: We despise ourselves so much that we consider our own point of view as trivial. But that's bullshit! That's your father talking!

 * Ruth: Chickpeas give me gas.
 * Lisa: This is an unusually gassy family!

 * Olivier: In the beginning, if you hate something, it's good, because you don't recognize the beauty of your own truth.

Nobody Sleeps [3.04]

 * Russell: I think it's really cool that you live in a funeral home.
 * Claire: Believe me, it's not.
 * Russell: Are you kidding? I'm jealous. It's totally weird … and excellent and perfect for when they write your biography.

The Trap [3.05]

 * Nate: It's hard sometimes, relationships aren't easy. You just have to work at it everyday. Can't expect everything to be perfect all the time, and can't get shaken when it isn't. If there's a moment when i feel like i'm in prison, I just have to think about all those moments when it feels safe, and remind myself that those moments outweigh the prison moments.
 * Brenda: Being alone is the prison, just thinking about yourself, just trapped in this fucking vortex, always watching yourself. Which, i suppose, is okay if you're interesting. The truth is: nobody is that interesting.

Making Love Work [3.06]
Claire: It's not like harassment, it's more like a comment on harassment

Timing and Space [3.07]

 * Ruth: Oh, Arthur, hi.
 * Arthur: Hi Ruth. Did you have a good time stalking me this morning?
 * Ruth: What are you talking about?
 * Arthur: Oh, please. If you like following people so much, why don't you join the CIA or the Moonies? Or why don't you go to the actual fucking moon and mind your own moon business, you … freak!

 * Claire: Nate, you know, this isn't The Matrix. The rest of us who don't have babies, we're real.

 * Russell: I have this theory that every now and then a person should get what they want right when they want it. It keeps you optimistic.

 * Margaret: [on Marv] He never forgave your father for being such a success or for giving up Chanukah.

 * Marv Chenowith: I remember Bern liking that poem.
 * Margaret: And I remember Bern thinking you were an absolute asshole.

Tears, Bones and Desire [3.08]

 * All Wives: (Quoting Daddy's Book) There is no death, there is only birth and birth and birth and birth. Consider the trees, that allow the birds to pirch and fly away, without calling them back.  If your heart can be like a tree, you'll be close to the way.  When the multitude laughs at you, you are blessed.  This is what Daddy wants us to know: I depart as air.  I shake my white locks at the runaway sun.  I bequeath my self to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love.  If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.  You will hardly know who I am, or what I mean, but I shall be good health to you nevertheless.  Missing me one place, search another.  I stop somewhere, waiting for you. [From Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass]

 * Arthur: Your friendship has so much value for me. Anything more would be unprofessional.
 * Ruth: I know, I know.
 * Arthur: Please don't kiss me again.
 * Ruth: I never will, never.
 * Arthur: Friends?
 * Ruth: Friends. [Arthur moves forward to hug Ruth, but she kisses him. Arthur pulls away surprised and runs out of the room. Some children run into the kitchen.  Ruth places a tray of snacks on the table] You'll have to help yourselves. I'm out of control.

 * Brenda: I wouldn't change anything. If you change one thing, that changes everything. And some things are the way they should be.

 * Ruth: I care for you, Arthur. I care for your music. I care for your hankies. And I won't deny it because that would be a lie. But if you want me to leave, I will, because that's your choice. Because I choose you.
 * Arthur: There's something I forgot to tell you about Petrarch? He started the Renaissance. [They embrace.]

 * David: And you are his wife?
 * Wife #2: Yes.
 * All Wives: Yes.

 * Olivier: You're eighteen! You should be consumed with sex! Everything that happens should make you want to fuck. Your flesh should be on fire all the time!
 * Claire: [deadpan] It is.
 * Russell: Yeah.

The Opening [3.09]

 * Brenda: I can't believe how much money I've spent fucking up my life.

 * Brenda: [about Margaret] I already left a message saying I was coming over. So if she wants me to walk in on more fucking, that's her choice.
 * Billy: I can do it for you if you feel like you've seen enough of Mom's pussy for a few days.
 * Brenda: Who could ever see too much of Mom's pussy? It's like a trip down memory lane.

Everyone Leaves [3.10]

 * Ruth: Arthur, have you ever had sex?
 * Arthur: I think I have … in a sense.

 * David: I think we've had enough excitement for a while.
 * Keith: The three-ways?
 * David: Well, yeah.
 * Keith: What about them?
 * David: Don't you think that maybe they're not the best thing for us?
 * Keith: Ho-ho, really? So that wasn't you the other night that kept begging us to arrest and interrogate you?

 * Arthur: I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts to do. I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is rather funny.
 * Ruth: There's nothing funny about beating your wife.

 * [Russell storms out.]
 * Olivier: He could have at least made the effort to slam the door.

Death Works Overtime [3.11]

 * Olivier: [to Claire] You sit in such judgment of the world. How do you expect to ever be a part of it?

 * Claire: I'm just trying to prepare for the worst so when it actually happens, I don't feel so awful.

 * Olivier: What are you, the Pope? Just because I fucked your boyfriend! Get a life.

 * Ruth: I just cried all over your jacket, and you're a perfect stranger.
 * George: Not any more, I'm not.

 * Russell: I don't wanna live without you. I can't.
 * Claire: [annoyed] You're gonna have to.
 * Russell: I'm not gonna give up.
 * Claire: That's your fucking problem.

Twilight [3.12]

 * Federico Diaz: [while embalming a murderer] He is a freakin' Dorito! Crunch him – they'll make more.

 * Father Jack: Truth and relationships don't make life easy. They make it possible.

 * Allison Williman: I lost my job to go to my father's execution. Isn't that the most pathetic thing you've ever heard?

 * Nate: [yelling] Lisa! Lisa! Where are you?'''
 * Lisa: I'm right here. Where are you?
 * Nate: I don't know. None of this turned out the way I wanted it to, Lise. You know that, right? I wanted to love you, I did love you! I just felt like we were beginning- [chokes up] I know we were, I know it, I know it in my heart, and I just feel like I had this once in a lifetime chance and I fucked it up!
 * Lisa: Nate, I'm not a chance. I'm a person.

I'm Sorry, I'm Lost [3.13]

 * Nathaniel Sr.: You're looking for me?
 * Claire: Yeah. Where the fuck is your grave?

 * Claire: [seeing Gabriel] He's dead?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Don't ask me. This is your thing.

 * Nathaniel Sr.: How's life?
 * Claire: How's death?

 * David: [to Keith] You looked so intense the way you pointed your little alarm thingy at the car. Like, "Fuck you, car. Now you're locked!"

 * David: I felt so free for a week. But then, all of a sudden, within days I went from "Yay, I'm independent" to "Holy fuck, I'm gonna die alone."

 * David: So, what if I just shut the door on Keith, like he's dead to me... I'll just end up replacing him with someone else, the same way that mom is replacing you with George. Is that all life is? We just go through it replacing people?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Pretty much. Some people just do it faster and more often than others."

Falling into Place [4.01]

 * Ruth: [after sex] Do you think we were too loud?
 * George: It's possible that we were too loud, yes.

 * Keith: What's so strange?
 * David: I don't know … the thought that I just got blown in the same bed where my mom used to read me the "Runaway Bunny."

 * Nate: So, Keith.
 * David: So what about him?
 * Nate: You guys are back together?
 * David: No.
 * Nate: He was there this morning.
 * David: He was a little drunk last night, I let him stay over. I was being polite.
 * Nate: Polite and horny.

 * Barb: Lisa didn't believe in borders, and that is why I know that wherever Lisa is right now, she's everywhere! She's everywhere, and that means she's home!

 * [Claire has just told Russell she was pregnant by him and has had an abortion.]
 * Claire: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't …
 * Russell: Just give me a second, okay? … Just give me a second to get used to the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.
 * Claire: Are you fucking kidding me?
 * Russell: No, I'm not kidding you, Claire! It's fucking sad! It's fucking sad and it's fucked up. I mean, did you cry? Did you?
 * Claire: I cried more than you have ever cried in your whole life.
 * Russell: [breaks down] Then give me a fucking second to feel bad about this, okay? Just a motherfucking second!

In Case of Rapture [4.02]

 * Ruth: Who in the world would send you feces in the mail?

 * Nate: I can't do this any more!
 * David: What are you saying?
 * Nate: I'm saying I quit. I've got to find another kind of life for myself. And not just for myself, but for Maya, too.

 * George: Did you know that the average American changes careers seven times during his or her lifetime?
 * David: Is that information supposed to be useful in some way, George?
 * George: It's just a fact.

 * Nate: I quit my job.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: I quit my fucking life.
 * Nate: No, you got fired.

 * Edie: Here's a poem dedicated to every guy I've ever been with: "Your Penis Is Kinda Nice, Too Bad You're Attached to It!"

Parallel Play [4.03]

 * Keith: [about Arthur] Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe. Do they ever do that? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy.
 * David: I don't think Arthur's gay. I think he's A.
 * Keith: I don't know. I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.

 * Claire: Geology is controversial?
 * George: Oil, Claire, oil!

 * Rico: [while embalming a girl whose face is set in a laughing expression] This one won't stop smiling. Wish I knew what the fuck was so funny!

 * Anita: [about Russell] I could have sworn he was gay. He's knitting!
 * Claire: Haven't you noticed a lot of straight guys knit these days? It's like a macho thing. Like, "I'm so straight I can even knit!"

 * Arthur: I could never send you poo! Ever!

Can I Come Up Now [4.04]

 * Margaret: Oh, Brenda's feeling eggy.

 * Ruth: [about George's other son] Why have you never told me this?
 * George: Because he's never really been part of my life.
 * Ruth: If he's sending us shit in the mail, he is a part of your life!

 * Russell: [watching a documentary about cave paintings] That's where everything started. In those cave paintings there was the creation of the idea of image, of the representation of ourselves.
 * Claire: Exactly. That's when we stopped living inside nature and started living inside our heads.
 * Anita: Yeah, just while we can just sit back and watch while greedy corporate Bush suckers destroy nature, since we're no longer a part of it.
 * Russell: If you take humans out of nature, then all there are left with is human nature.
 * Claire: Okay, that sounds really good, but what the fuck does that mean?

 * David: [consulting Keith what to wear on the job] Helmut Lang jeans, black tee-shirt — the faded Banana Republic one with the stretch — and black lace-up boots.
 * Keith: David, this is a profession, okay? There's an image to project. That image isn't fucking Keith of Finland.
 * David: Are you not out on the job?
 * Keith: No one's ever asked.
 * David: You big whore!

 * David: [taping an answering machine message] Hi! You've reached David and Keith, but we can't come to the phone right now because we're too gay!

That's My Dog [4.05]

 * David: [trying to catch the dog] Charlie! Here, boy, I got a cookie. I got a cookie for you!
 * Jake: Don't lie to my dog!

 * Margaret: Sex is something you should feel, not something you should think!
 * Brenda: Yeah, well, I have to think to keep from behaving in a compulsive and destructive manner thanks to my early exposure to compulsive and destructive sexual energy, thank you very much.

 * Margaret: [about her vaginal rejuvenation surgery] I mean, come on! No one wants to fuck a glass of water, if you know what I'm saying.

 * Keith: [on phone with David] Honey, forget about it. You're just feeling needy right now.
 * David: Honey? When do you ever call me honey? Because you don't want them to know you're talking to a guy. Jesus, why don't you just call me Darlene?

 * Art Student: Is this more lesbian stuff?
 * Art Teacher: Yes, I have to meet my quota so I get my toaster oven.

Terror Starts at Home [4.06]

 * Ruth: I want to know why your other wives left you!
 * George: Because they asked too many fucking questions!

 * George: [about David's new cellphone] Well, it's the one good thing about getting robbed, right? It's a great excuse for getting a new gadget.
 * David: I hope it happens again so I can get a new palm pilot!

 * Claire: The world is ending out there, and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutantes get screwed up the ass.

 * George: The greenhouse effect will definitely come to pass if we start to burn coal as oil supplies dwindle over the next twenty years, but I don't think even we could be that stupid!

 * Keith: David, you can take a little more time off.
 * David: Four days of daytime TV is my personal limit, okay? If I see another triumph over weight loss, I think I'll kill myself!

The Dare [4.07]

 * Keith: Javier, I'm gay. I have a boyfriend. I sleep with men, okay? I have a lot of sex, and it's really, really gay.

 * Celeste: [to Keith] Why didn't you tell me you were gay, bitch?

 * David: [on phone with Keith] Sorry to bother you. And if anybody gets mad, just tell them your wife is on her woman's time. They'll feel bad for you that I'm such a bitch when I'm on the rag. Good night!

 * David: I don't need my baby sister baby-sitting me any more!

 * Edie: I don't understand what's changed.
 * Claire: Nothing's changed. Part of me thinks this is what I want and part of me thinks it isn't, but … what if the part who thinks it isn't feels that way because I'm scared?

Coming and Going [4.08]

 * Claire: It's so much easier to be gay.
 * David: Oh no!
 * Claire: Yeah, I'd have a really defined subculture.
 * David: Overrated!
 * Claire: We're both women, I'd have some idea of what she was thinking and feeling.
 * David: Not necessarily.
 * Claire: I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs.
 * David: They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

 * George: If you have no interest in the past and you don't read history, how can you possibly comprehend the present?
 * Anita: George, history is not what really happened. History is some stupid war-mongering patriarchal idea of what happened! Who gives a shit about that?

 * Ruth: [to George] I'm your seventh spouse. How much more warning do I need?

 * Celeste: I don't get fucked in the ass.
 * Keith: That makes one of us.

Grinding the Corn [4.09]

 * Keith: I slept with Celeste.
 * David: Okay, bullshit. Celeste is a woman … [confused] isn't she?

 * Nathaniel Sr.: [as the Death Man] Nobody stays!

 * George: Life is a series of accidents.

 * Brenda: Did anything bad ever happen to someone you love on a bridge?
 * Patient: No, but they collapse all the time. If you Google "bridge collapses," you get, like, 1000 hits.

 * Russell: Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of retard?
 * Claire: Because I swear, Russell, sometimes you are. And for your information, labia are not internal organs.

 * Billy: What's going on with you?
 * Claire: l don't know. l guess l'm depressed. l don't think it's clinical, but l just can't seem to have a normal healthy relationship with another person.
 * Billy: Right. Get in line. Nobody has normal healthy relationships. My theory, which l have yet to put into practice, is to pick someone slightly less crazier than you are.
 * Claire: Society propagates this vision of people hooking up and staying together forever. ln reality, how often does that actually happen?

The Black Forest [4.10]

 * David: It's just so absurd. The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough, and who isn't based on are you gay or not.
 * Keith: People are stupid. What a shock.

 * Keith: [to David] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush administration, so I guess it all evens out.

 * Edie: The world's not your own private fucking chemistry set. Just stay away from me!

 * [Bettina and Ruth are playing Scrabble.]
 * Bettina: I have colitis.
 * Ruth: Oh, no.
 * Bettina: C-O-L-I-T-I-S.

 * [Talking about Lisa's internment.]
 * Brenda: Well, when you think about it, this ceremony does the same thing. You want to go so that when Maya grows up you can say that you were there.

Bomb Shelter [4.11]

 * Roger: [to Keith] You better go find your boyfriend before he bites my cat or something.

 * Vanessa: Oh please, she smoked a little pot in high school. We all did.
 * Rico: I didn't!
 * Vanessa: I know, Rico, 'cause you were boring.

 * Olivier: Of course, they're going to say nice things about you; they're your kids. But me, I'm a miserable prick who cares nothing about anybody but himself; and I look at you in your hospital bed, tired and worn-out from surgery and I selfishly wonder "How long must I wait before I can fuck you?"
 * Margaret: Wow. Finally somebody said something right.
 * Brenda: It would have been weird if I'd said it.
 * Billy: Not in this family.
 * Margaret: Darlings, could you give us a moment?
 * Brenda: Oh, Mom, you're not going to –
 * Margaret: I just want to be with Olivier for a minute.

 * Brenda: I really don't feel like making dinner for a woman who hates me.

 * George: I hope those people aren't going to be here.
 * Ruth: I think they're just celebrity spokespeople.
 * George: They're celebrities?

Untitled [4.12]

 * Olivier: I toast you with this shitty wine.

 * Margaret: Everyone should drop an organ. After the first shock, it's positively liberating!

 * Nate: I hit a new low. I made the bereaved vomit.

 * Keith: [about Jake] If you could do anything, what would you do?
 * David: I'd tell him what I think of him and what he did to me, that evil, evil fuck.
 * Keith: Well, you can do that!
 * David: I know. I said it all to the therapy pillow.

 * Nathaniel Sr.: You're missing the point.
 * David: There is no point, that's the point... Isn't it?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Don't give me this phony existential bullshit, I expect better from you. The point's right in front of your face.
 * David: Well, I'm sorry but I don't see it.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: You aren't even grateful, are you?
 * David: Grateful? For the worst fucking experience of my life?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell 'ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.
 * David: Well, what am I supposed to do?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?
 * David: It can't be so simple.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: [putting his arm around David and pulling him closer] What if it is?

A Coat of White Primer [5.01]

 * Nate:[To Brenda, while talking about their wedding.]I'm glad today sucked, because I wouldn't want the happiest day of our life to be over already, would you?

Hold My Hand [5.03]

 * David: [to Keith about their appointment with the adoption agency] If we're not on top of our paperwork, Shirley is going to kick our "Gay Daddy" asses into the street.

 * [Claire walks in on Ruth cleaning the kitchen in the Fisher home.]
 * Claire: Jesus Christ, Mom, will you stop cleaning and talk to me?
 * Ruth: No. This isn't the time, and there's nothing to say.
 * Claire: Don't you think that it's significant that whenever I make a decision for myself, you hate me?
 * Ruth: I don't hate you, I hate your choices.
 * Claire: Look at me! I am an adult, and my choices are none of your business! You had no right to call that lawyer! Dad loved me. He wanted me to be happy.  That's why he left me the money.
 * Ruth: He did not intend to finance you while you play house with a crazy person!
 * Claire: Look who's talking!
 * Ruth: He wanted you to be educated, to learn, to go to college!
 * Claire: I am learning from life! You don't even know what college is. You never went and that was your choice and now you hate yourself for it, so you're gonna take it out on me!
 * Ruth: That is not true!
 * Claire: Then stop being such a controlling bitch and give me my money! [Ruth raises her hand to slap Claire.] I will hit you back this time! Billy and I are moving to Spain, and you can't stop us!
 * Ruth: Get out of my house!
 * [Claire grabs her belongings and leaves.]

 * Keith: [to David] You are such a mom! [They laugh.]

 * [Claire calls the family lawyer after learning that Ruth froze her trust fund.]
 * Claire: So then I called the bank and they said that there had been no money deposited. Can you fix this, please? I have to get a new camera.
 * Lawyer: Claire, you're not enrolled in college this quarter.
 * Claire: Who told you that?
 * Lawyer: Your mother. You should've told me yourself.
 * Claire: I'm taking some time off. So what?
 * Lawyer: So you can't access the funds. I'm sorry.
 * Claire: I beg your pardon. That is my money. My father gave it to me!
 * Lawyer: He set up a  trust to pay for your education, not to support your lifestyle outside of the classroom.
 * Claire: It is not my lifestyle! It is my life, and I am learning more now than I ever did in that pretentious art barn!
 * Lawyer: You know you don't inherit free and clear until you're twenty-five. The language is very specific.
 * Claire: This is just like bureaucratic bullshit, and how am I supposed to move to Europe and fucking ripen when you won't even give me my money?
 * Lawyer: Your mother and I discussed this. We feel that it is in your best interest.
 * Claire: You don't even know me!

 * Nate: [as imagined by Brenda during a family dinner] Quit trying to be some fucking hausfrau, all right? You're a rebel. You're a freak. We're never gonna be a real family no matter what you sauté!

Time Flies [5.04]

 * Nate: I just feel like all I do, all day long, is just manage myself, try to fuckin' connect with people. But it's like, no matter how much energy you pour into getting to the station on time, or getting on the right train, there's still no fuckin' guarantee that anybody's gonna be there for you to pick you up when you get there.
 * Maggie: Well, I know that if you think life is a vending machine, where you put in virtue and you get out happiness, then you're probably gonna be disappointed. I know that.

 * Claire: "Light from a cake is such a great light. We should just live in cakelight" (when they bring in the birthdaycake on Nate's 40st. birthday).

 * [Nate is looking through a photo album on his 40th birthday.]
 * Nathaniel Sr.: The day I turned 40, you were in Europe. I spent the whole day wondering if you'd call.
 * Nate: Sorry.
 * Nathaniel Sr.: Oh, don't apologize. You did what you had to do, you little fucker.
 * Nate: You know, so much crazy shit has happened since these pictures were taken. So much. The idea of 40 more years—
 * Nathaniel Sr.: The next 40 fly by much faster. It'll be over before you know it.
 * Nate: Time flies when you're having fun, huh?
 * Nathaniel Sr.: No, time flies when you're pretending to have fun. Time flies when you're pretending to love Brenda and that baby she wants so much. Time flies when you're pretending to know what people mean when they say "love". Face it, buddy boy, there's two kinds of people in the world: there's you, and there's everybody else, and never the twain shall meet.

 * [Billy is behaving weirdly at Nate's birthday party.]
 * Claire: Did you stop taking your medication?
 * Billy: Yeah! But that's a good thing.
 * Claire: Why?
 * Billy: Because, Claire... okay, I'm sick of feeling like I am living every moment inside a giant Xeroxed fucking cotton ball.

 * [Billy and George are talking on the porch. Billy is sneaking a beer.]
 * George: So, you stopped taking them? Just like that?
 * Billy: Yep.
 * George: How do you feel?
 * Billy: I feel a little tingly. That's about it. What do they got you on these days?
 * George: Well, they just switched me from Lithium to Tophranil.
 * Billy: Oh.
 * George: In between the shock treatments.
 * Billy: What are those like?
 * George: Honestly, I don't know. I go in. They put me on a bed. They give me some oxygen. They say "You're going to feel a little prick in your hand." That always makes me laugh. And then the next thing I know, I wake up with the worst headache I've had in my life.
 * Billy: You think it's helping?
 * George: I think that, as Émile Coué used to say, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better." But not everyone agrees.
 * Billy: Yeah. It's hard to get your shit together with someone watching all the time.
 * George: Hm, yeah, it is. But when no one is watching, then where are you? Where the fuck are you then?

 * George: Nobody grows up thinking this is the way they're gonna turn out to be. If I could change just by snapping my fingers, I'd do it.
 * Ruth: I know you would, George.
 * George: I am trying so hard to get better.
 * Ruth: And you are.
 * George: But not fast enough for you!
 * Ruth: You're getting better as fast as you can. I know that.
 * George: I am so lucky. I hate that I'm the lucky one. No one's ever lucky to have me. Nobody's ever been lucky to have me.

Eat a Peach [5.05]

 * David: I thought he was special, not retarded special.

 * Vanessa Diaz: You know, lately, I was thinking there was a chance that maybe we could get back together. Boy, do I need my fucking head examined … I can't believe I married a fucking embalmer.

 * Keith: Look at us. You know what we look like?
 * David: Homos? [They laugh.]

 * Nate: [to Brenda] What am I supposed to tell her? That her real mommy got pregnant and made me trapped into marrying her while she was fucking her brother-in-law, and then he murdered her because she tried to break it off, and that he might even be her real dad? I just want to spare her that, but I don't have to spare me that.

The Rainbow of Her Reasons [5.06]

 * Marianne: What's the matter, Claire? Is it Kirsten? Is she being a butt?
 * Claire: Oh no, it's not that, it's just these pantyhose.
 * Marianne: Oh. Do you have a run? 'Cause I have a little clear polish you can put on it …
 * Claire: No, no, it's not that. It's just they're squeezing against my entire torso and I feel like I can't even breathe. I mean, none of this work would even seem that hard if I didn't feel like I was sitting in a torture chamber all day.
 * Marianne: Maybe you should try a different brand. Mine energize me.
 * Claire: No, it's not the brand. I mean, they're all the same, it's … I mean, I don't understand how having your legs sheathed in this, like, smooth plastic Barbie leg, like, encased in a sausage casing would help you do your job better. I mean, doesn't it seem sexist that it's a regulation only for women?
 * Marianne: Men have to wear ties.
 * Claire: Right, but they don't suffocate you … and it's not on their penis.
 * Marianne: I'm gonna go wash out some mugs.

 * Sarah: [to Ruth] You say there's a reason that Grandma lost her legs and there's a reason there's war and tsunamis and there's a reason that George fucking Bush got reelected?

 * Nate: Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. If the person you're with doesn't want it, do yourself a favor and save it for someone who does.

 * Claire: [singing] Adrift on the water/could it be actually/wearing these clothes/I've never been/this fucking uncomfortable/Never again to wear pantyhose.../'Cause you ride up my thighs/You're tight on my ass/You climb up my crotch/You ruin my day/And fill my soul/You fill my soul with hate/It can't be right/when they feel so tight.../'Cause you and you and you/all of you...
 * Marianne: Claire?
 * Claire: [singing] Ride up my thighs.
 * Marianne: Claire? Is my music too loud? Do you need me to turn it down?
 * Claire: Oh, yeah, maybe a little. Thanks.

The Silence [5.07]

 * Ruth: Just leave me alone so I can shrivel up in peace.

 * Margaret: [to Brenda] All couples have these types of disagreements. You think I didn't want to abort you and Billy?

Singing for Our Lives [5.08]

 * Maggie Sibley: What's wrong?
 * Nate: [breathing heavily] My arm is numb … [slurs] Numb arm … numb arm … narm! … Narm!

Ecotone [5.09]

 * George: It's perfectly normal to live in a bombshelter!

 * Ruth: [to Hiram] Oh, go give yourself a handjob!

 * Nate: [to Rico] Ecotone. It's the area where two ecological worlds overlap. You know, like wilderness and civilization.

All Alone [5.10]

 * Brenda: [to Maggie] What is this, some Quaker thing? You fuck someone's husband to death, then you bring them a quiche?

 * David: You could've dressed.
 * Claire: I couldn't.
 * David: The rest of us managed.
 * Claire: The rest of you win.

 * Rico: I think we're all in shock. Three years ago we prayed for Nate's life, and we thought our prayers were answered. Now we have to pray for help making sense of this loss. Because … we've lost a lot. A son, a father, a brother, a husband, a colleague … to me, an inspiration. He had a natural sense. He had a natural sense of what to say to people when they were grieving. And I just think he'd know what to say to help us if only he were here.

 * David: I'm David Fisher, and Nate was my big brother. When we were kids, I used to get picked on at school. I'd come home with my face or my pride bruised, and Nate would make me tell him who did it, and he'd go talk to whoever was tormenting me, and I'd be fine … until it happened again. So Nate came up with another strategy. He said, "When they start in on you, just laugh, laugh at them.  Even if they hit you, laugh." Well, I could never pull that off. But that was Nate. He could laugh at anything, and people were always drawn to him because he could make the best of the worst situation. Even when life hit him, it couldn't ki– [chokes]

 * George: My name is George Sibley. I was Nate's stepfather. This is a hard day, and we're all very upset. The loss of a young person is always a terrible blow. But in this case, it's even more cruel because Nate was an idealist, and he struggled, all through his life, to be a good man. He wasn't perfect; but then, who among us is? And he never gave up on himself, the people he loved, or even love itself, in all its vexing, beautiful forms.

Static [5.11]

 * Nate: [as imagined by Brenda] I'm just saying you only get one life. There's no God, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it's over, it's over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you're here. Really. Why not?

 * David: I have a fucking husband, Rico, and I have two children! When are you going to realize that I'm a human being just like you? When? When?

 * Claire: Dozens of fucking Iraqis are still dying every day, the whole world hates us for going in there in the first place, and terrorists are still gonna be blowing shit up in this country for the next hundred years! And the best thing she could think of to do about it is put that sticker on that enormous shitbox!
 * David: [to Ted] Take her inside!
 * Rico: [to Mrs. Duncan while ushering her to the SUV away from Claire] There has been a death in the family recently. I am so, so sorry.
 * Claire: [running up to Mrs. Duncan's daughter] You know, they still bring the wounded soldiers back at night, so the press can't even film it and nobody sees. American soldiers are still getting fucked up every day, and they don't even tell us. [Mrs. Duncan's daughter runs in the car to get away.] So it's all so you could put gas in this enormous fucking car of yours to keep everybody feeling really fucking American! Such a bunch of shit!
 * Rico: Claire, shut the hell up! Her brother just died, damn it!
 * Claire: [quietly] I'm sorry.

 * [David is putting stitches on the corpse of Paul Duncan, a triple amputee Iraq war vet, in the embalming room.]
 * Paul Duncan: You're gonna die, David. Just like Nate, just like your dad, just like everybody.
 * David: I am aware of the reality of death. I work with it every day.
 * Paul Duncan: You're scared. You're more scared now than you've ever been in your life. You thought you knew what fear was when Jake poured gas all over your head, but this? This simple, unavoidable fact that you're alive and alone and you'll be dead, gone.
 * David Stop it.
 * Paul Duncan: You'll never see Keith after that, you'll never see your boys.
 * David: Shut up!

 * Claire: Why did you have to die? It really sucks. Everything's unraveling since you're gone.
 * Nate: That's not true.
 * Claire: It feels that way. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much!
 * Nate: I miss you, too.
 * Claire: You know how I always used to tell you you weren't Dad, after Dad died? It was such a waste of time thinking that way.
 * Nate: No, it's just part of how you dealt with it. It kept you from missing Dad so much.
 * Claire: No, it kept me from ever knowing you as much as I really could have, and now you are so completely fucking gone! It's just …
 * Nate: Claire –
 * Claire: What? It sucks!
 * Nate: Stop listening to the static.
 * Claire: What the fuck does that mean?
 * Nate: Nothing. It just means that everything in the world is like this transmission, making its way across the dark. But everything – death, life, everything – it's all completely suffused with static. [makes static sounds] You know? But if you listen to the static too much, it fucks you up.
 * Claire: Are you high?
 * Nate: I am actually, yeah, quite high.

Everyone's Waiting [5.12]

 * David: We've been clutching so desperately to the past, and for what?
 * Ruth: Because that's when there was hope.

 * Margaret: Ruth, it isn't the '50s any more. No matter how you dress.

 * Ruth: I don't think i can move in with you, George.
 * George: Why not?
 * Ruth: Because... don't get me wrong, you're a good, decent man with a big heart. But there are walls around that heart, walls behind walls behind walls... and i can spend a certain amount of time around that, but i can not live with it, not anymore. Oh, don't look so sour, it doesn't mean i won't go out with you. We'll have more fun this way, believe me, i could use some fun.

 * Man: Claire? Hi, this is Gavin at New Image. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but New Image has been bought by stock options and they're consolidating their operations, and … well, they're in Chicago, so I hope you haven't headed out here yet. Sorry.
 * Nate: Aw, who cares? Go anyway.
 * Claire: What, are you crazy? I'm gonna move to New York City without a job?
 * Nate: Mom gave you the money. You're gonna land somewhere. You'll be fine. You're talented, you're smart. You're ready.
 * Claire: What if I'm not?
 * Nate: Claire, you want to know a secret? I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready, of not being right of not being who I should be. And where did it get me?
 * Claire: What should I tell everyone tonight?
 * Nate: Nothing! You can't stay here!
 * Claire: What, do you mean seriously?

 * Claire: Mom.
 * Ruth: My sweet baby girl … don't let them work you too hard at your new job.
 * Claire: I won't. Mom, I really hope you can come and visit.
 * Ruth: I'll try. Oh, Claire. I pray you'll be filled with hope for as long as you possibly can.
 * Claire: Thank you for everything and thank you for giving me life.
 * Ruth: You gave me life.
 * Claire: Oh, my God, I don't wanna go.

 * Claire: Oh, I wanna take a picture of everyone.
 * Nate: You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone.

title: Six Feet Under


text:
Home Improvement (TV series)

Home Improvement (1991–1999) was an American television sitcom series, airing on ABC, about an accident prone host of a Detroit, Michigan television program about tools, who raises his dysfunctional family.

Pilot

 * Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
 * Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

 * Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
 * Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
 * Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Mow Better Blues

 * Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.
 * Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

 * Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

 * Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Off Sides

 * Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

 * Tim: Would It help if I said I was sorry?
 * Jill: It might.
 * Tim: I'm sorry.
 * Jill: It didn't.

Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof

 * Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?
 * Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.
 * Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

 * Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
 * Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.
 * Tim: A satellite dish!
 * Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Wild Kingdom

 * Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
 * Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
 * Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

 * Mark: What are we gonna make?
 * Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
 * Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
 * Jill: She did?
 * Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
 * Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Adventures in Fine Dining

 * Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?
 * Tim: You should give them a refresher course.
 * Jill: Me? What about you?
 * Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

 * Brad: Mom!
 * Jill: What?
 * Brad: Dad's cussing.
 * Tim: I'm not cussing.
 * Mark: He said a bad word.
 * Tim: It wasn't bad!
 * Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.
 * Tim: I did not say 'damn'.
 * Randy: Now you did.

 * Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
 * Tim: You want company?
 * Jill: No, just you.
 * Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
 * Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Nothing More Than Feelings

 * Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
 * Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

 * Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
 * Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

 * Jill: Are you saying the car's not working?
 * Tim: We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!
 * Jill: So I can't drive it?
 * Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Flying Sauces

 * Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
 * Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
 * Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

 * Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
 * Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

 * Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
 * Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

 * Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
 * Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
 * Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
 * Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
 * Tim: I'd give you free tickets!

 * [Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]
 * Tim: Let me do this for you.
 * Jill: Will Al be here?
 * Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
 * Jill: Will Al be here?
 * Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assists me.
 * Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
 * Tim: Probably, yes.
 * Jill: [getting excited] And I can have anything I want?
 * Tim: Anything you want!
 * Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
 * Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
 * [Jill falls apart laughing.]

Reach Out and Teach Someone

 * Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
 * Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

 * Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
 * Tim: You bet!
 * Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
 * Brad: Aww, man...!
 * Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
 * Brad: [dejected] Alright...
 * Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
 * Randy: Yeah.
 * Tim: Want to help?
 * Randy: No.
 * Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
 * Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Look Who's Not Talking

 * Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share the household responsibilities, right?
 * Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
 * Randy: It means 'scared of Mom'.

 * Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.

 * Brad: I don't have a woman.
 * Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
 * Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, doofus!
 * Tim: Lots of guys pay psychiatrists a lot of money to figure that one out.

 * Tim: The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.
 * Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.
 * Tim: Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.
 * Jill: He WAS in his underwear!
 * Tim: He was NOT!

Yule Better Watch Out

 * Jill: (indicating Randy's flashy robes) This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.
 * Tim: And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Caesar's Palace!?

 * Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.
 * Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
 * Randy: They made me a sheep.

 * Mark: So Santa is alive?
 * Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.
 * Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?
 * Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!

Up Your Alley

 * Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.
 * Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

 * Jill: We're keeping score.
 * Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
 * Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
 * Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

For Whom the Belch Tolls

 * Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
 * Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.

 * Tim: What are you doing?
 * Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
 * Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Forever Jung

 * Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
 * Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

 * Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?
 * Tim: It's a little piece of table.
 * Randy: What happened?
 * Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
 * Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
 * Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
 * Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
 * Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
 * Jill: (trying to regain composure) It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
 * Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!

 * Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
 * Karen: No, they also glue.

 * Karen: Do you move to New York or Seattle?
 * Tim: I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

Jill's Birthday

 * Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
 * Tim: Now you're talking.

 * Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
 * Brad & Randy: No.
 * Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

What About Bob?

 * Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!
 * Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

 * Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
 * Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

 * Tim: Are you insinuating this is my fault?
 * Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

 * Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?
 * Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Unchained Malady

 * Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
 * Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
 * Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

 * Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.
 * Tim: What's your point?
 * Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?
 * Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor

 * Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
 * Tim: Where are they now?
 * Eddie: On a window sill.
 * Tim: You didn't throw them out?
 * Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

 * Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
 * Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
 * Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
 * Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

A Battle of Wheels

 * Tim: What are you up to?
 * Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
 * Tim: Yeah? Of who?

 * Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.
 * Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

Luck Be a Taylor Tonight

 * Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
 * Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

 * [Jill wants to join the poker game]
 * Tim: Sorry, Jill, but to join this game, you need to be able to bench-press 150 pounds. [Al starts to get up] Al, sit down!

 * Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
 * Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
 * Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
 * Fred: Three.
 * Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
 * Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Al's Fair in Love and War

 * Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
 * Randy: The Fire Department?

 * Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Stereo-typical

 * Tim: We have a very special show for you today.
 * Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
 * Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.

 * Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

Read My Hips

 * Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

 * Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
 * Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."
 * Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"
 * Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy"?
 * Tim: Well, that I understand.

 * Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?
 * Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Rites and Wrongs Of Passage

 * Mark: Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?
 * Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)
 * Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!
 * Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
 * Randy: Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!
 * Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

 * Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
 * Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

 * Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
 * Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

 * Randy: (To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?

Overactive Glance

 * Tim: (about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
 * Karen: Yeah, right into her water bed.

 * Tim: What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.
 * Jill: Well, you do that all the time.
 * Tim: But not with other women!

 * Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
 * Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
 * Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

 * Jill: [She and Tim are eating in a restaurant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
 * Tim: Oh, and why is that, Jill?
 * Jill: Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
 * Tim: Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 75-year old steelworker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"
 * Jill: Not exactly, Tim.
 * Tim: Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?
 * Jill: Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Groin Pains (aka Groin Pulls)

 * Jill: When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!
 * Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

 * Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.
 * Tim: Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!
 * Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
 * Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

 * [Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]
 * Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
 * Tim: I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.
 * Mark: What happened?
 * Tim[strained]: I pulled my GROIN!
 * Mark: What's that?
 * Tim: My very favorite muscle.

 * Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.
 * Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

 * Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?
 * Wilson: I don't know.

 * Tim: You see, after thirteen years of marriage . ..
 * Jill: Fourteen!

 * Randy: (after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.
 * Brad: She wanted to know where you bought your tights.

Heavy Meddle

 * Tim: [Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?
 * Brad: Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?
 * Tim: [Grins deviously] That's right!

 * Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?
 * Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.
 * Jill: Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?
 * Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

The Haunting of Taylor House

 * Jennifer: [Upset that Brad didn't pick her for his kickball team] You can be so dense.
 * Brad: Hey, I may dense, but my team won!

 * Jill: [Hurrying to the bathroom] Move it, atom boy!

Roomie for Improvement

 * Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.
 * Jill: It's that bad, huh?
 * Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?
 * Jill: Lots of kids do stuff like that.
 * Tim: It was life-sized.

 * Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
 * Al: It's over between us.
 * Tim: Al, open the door.
 * Al: No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

May the Best Man Win

 * [Al's wearing a loud-colored Hawaiian shirt]
 * Tim: What the hell are you wearing?
 * Al: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
 * Tim: You're supposed to blend into the background!

 * Jill: Well, who the hell does she think she is?
 * Tim: Maureen Binford.
 * Jill: Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?
 * Tim: Yeah.
 * Jill: Little red-headed thing, about this big?
 * Tim: Yeah.
 * Jill: I can take her.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

 * Tim: Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
 * Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

 * Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
 * Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".

Bell Bottom Blues

 * Tim: All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?
 * Al: Uh...nothing, Tim.
 * Tim: What is it, Al?
 * Al: Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.
 * Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.
 * Al: No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
 * Tim: Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.
 * Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.
 * Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
 * Al: Oh, tourniquet.
 * Tim: I hope you have a job application in there.
 * Al: Crutches.
 * Tim: [bewildered] Huh?!
 * Al: IV unit.

You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

 * Tim: There's a sign right there, what does it say?
 * Jill: "Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"
 * Tim: ...Guess we don't need that Michigan map, do we?

 * Jill: I'm so glad I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
 * Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
 * Jill: Oh, nobody, just...[Takes a bite of cake] My mother, my father, my sisters, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the post office...

Ex Marks the Spot

 * Tim: Jill met my girlfriend.
 * Wilson: Well, I can't say that I approve of that.
 * Tim: No, my old high-school girlfriend.
 * Wilson: Oh.
 * Tim: She's kind of annoyed about something I didn't do years ago.
 * Wilson: A sin of omission.
 * Tim: It wasn't that bad. When I broke up with this girl, I never called to tell her.
 * Wilson: So, you lied to her?
 * Tim: No.
 * Wilson: Well, according to Robert Louis Stevenson, you did. He said, "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."
 * Tim: Hm. But didn't Calvin Coolidge say nothing he never said ever did him any harm?
 * Wilson: Very good. Thomas Mann once said, "A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."
 * Tim: Not bad. Wait, wait, wait! Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages."
 * Wilson: Excellent. But I believe the final word would be Heywood Broun. "For truth there is no deadline."
 * Tim: Oh, that's three to two. You beat me, Wilson.

Cast

 * Tim Allen - Tim Taylor
 * Patricia Richardson - Jill Taylor
 * Zachary Ty Bryan - Brad Taylor
 * Jonathan Taylor Thomas - Randy Taylor
 * Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor
 * Earl Hindman - Wilson
 * Richard Karn - Al Borland
 * William O'Leary - Marty Taylor
 * Pamela Anderson - Lisa
 * Debbe Dunning - Heidi
 * Blake Clark - Harry Turner

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Home Improvement (TV series)


text:
User talk:Jensstark~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 4 July 2005 11:32 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Jensstark. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Jensstark~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:27, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:49, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Jensstark~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:81.240.241.146

Welcome to Wikiquote, the free compendium of quotations! You don't have to log in to read or edit articles on Wikiquote, but creating an account is quick, free and non-intrusive, requires you to provide no personal information, and gives you many benefits, including:
 * The use of a username of your choice
 * The ability to view all your contributions via a "My contributions" link
 * Your own user page
 * Your own talk page which, if you choose, also allows users to send you messages without knowing your e-mail address
 * The use of your own personal watchlist to which you can add articles that interest you
 * The ability to rename pages
 * The ability to upload images
 * The ability to customize the appearance and behavior of the website
 * The eligibility to become an administrator
 * The right to be heard in formal votes and elections, and on pages like votes for deletion

Click here to create an account.--Aphaia 4 July 2005 11:35 (UTC)

title: User talk:81.240.241.146


text:
User talk:213.175.63.115

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 4 July 2005 12:31 (UTC)

title: User talk:213.175.63.115


text:
User talk:Trublu

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 4 July 2005 13:54 (UTC)

 * Hallo und willkommen auf Local embassy! --Aphaia 10:08, 30 July 2005 (UTC)

 * Hallo, möchtest du deine Meinung darstellen an WQ:VFD? Wir möchten kennen, ob diese Person so berühmt ist, einen Wikiquoteartikel zu haben oder nicht. --Aphaia 09:35, 5 August 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:Trublu


text:
User talk:145.246.240.14

Welcome to Wikiquote, the free compendium of quotations! You don't have to log in to read or edit articles on Wikiquote, but creating an account is quick, free and non-intrusive, requires you to provide no personal information, and gives you many benefits, including:
 * The use of a username of your choice
 * The ability to view all your contributions via a "My contributions" link
 * Your own user page
 * Your own talk page which, if you choose, also allows users to send you messages without knowing your e-mail address
 * The use of your own personal watchlist to which you can add articles that interest you
 * The ability to rename pages
 * The ability to upload images
 * The ability to customize the appearance and behavior of the website
 * The eligibility to become an administrator
 * The right to be heard in formal votes and elections, and on pages like votes for deletion

Click here to create an account.--Aphaia 4 July 2005 15:34 (UTC)

title: User talk:145.246.240.14


text:
User talk:213.18.248.23

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 4 July 2005 15:47 (UTC)

title: User talk:213.18.248.23


text:
Comet

A comet is an icy small Solar System body that, when passing close to the Sun, heats up and begins to outgas, displaying a visible atmosphere or coma, and sometimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind upon the nucleus of the comet. Comet nuclei range from a few hundred metres to tens of kilometres across and are composed of loose collections of ice, dust, and small rocky particles. The coma and tail are much larger and, if sufficiently bright, may be seen from the Earth without the aid of a telescope. Comets have been observed and recorded since ancient times by many cultures. Comets usually have highly eccentric elliptical orbits, and they have a wide range of orbital periods, ranging from several years to potentially several millions of years.

Quotes

 * I am as familiar with the paths of heaven as with the streets of Nehardea, with the exception of the comet, about which I am ignorant.
 * Samuel of Nehardea; Talmud, Berachot 58b

 * What you fellows call progress moves by two springs, men and events. But sad to say, from time to time the exceptional is necessary. For events as well as for men, the stock company is not enough; geniuses are needed among men, and revolutions among events. Great accidents are the law; the order of things cannot get along without them; and, to see the apparitions of comets, one would be tempted to believe that Heaven itself is in need of star actors. At the moment you least expect it, God placards a meteor on the wall of the firmament. Some strange star comes along, underlined by an enormous tail. And that makes Caesar die. Brutus strikes him with a knife, and God with a comet.
 * Victor Hugo in Les Misérables as translated by Charles Edwin Wilbour

 * When the Deep Impact probe hit Comet 9P/Tempel, there was almost no change in brightness. … This outburst by Comet Holmes is extreme!
 * Brian G. Marsden, on the unprecedented brightening of Comet Holmes, as quoted in "Mystery Comet Explodes into Brightness" (26 October 2007) at Physorg.com. Within the space of a few hours between 23-24 October 2007 it brightened from a very dim and obscure object requiring powerful telescopes to see into one easily visible to the naked eye.

 * I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps "Oh look at that!" Then — whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me — ever.
 * Jim Morrison

 * When in your middle years The great comet comes again Remember me, a child, Awake in the summer night, Standing in my crib and Watching that long-haired star So many years ago. Go out in the dark and see Its plume over water Dribbling on the liquid night, And think that life and glory Flickered on the rushing Bloodstream for me once, and for All who have gone before me, Vessels of the billion-year-long River that flows now in your veins.
 * Kenneth Rexroth, in "Halley's Comet"

 * I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.
 * Mark Twain, in Mark Twain, a Biography (1909) Twain died in 1910 when Comet Halley was again visible.

 * By being seldom seen, I could not stir But like a comet I was wonder'd at.
 * William Shakespeare in King Henry IV Part 1, Act 3 Scene 2, lines 46-47.

 * Ruling the calm spaciousness of that heaven was the great comet, now green-white, and wonderful for all who had eyes to see.
 * H. G. Wells, in In the Days of the Comet (1906)

 * At first it had been an almost telescopic speck; it had brightened to the dimensions of the greatest star in the heavens; it had still grown, hour by hour, in its incredibly swift, its noiseless and inevitable rush upon our earth, until it had equaled and surpassed the moon. Now it was the most splendid thing this sky of earth has ever held. I have never seen a photograph that gave a proper idea of it. Never at any time did it assume the conventional tailed outline, comets are supposed to have.
 * H. G. Wells, in In the Days of the Comet (1906)

 * As I drew near the end, the sense of strangeness returned to me. It was more and more evident to me that this was a different humanity from any I had known, unreal, having different customs, different beliefs, different interpretations, different emotions. It was no mere change in conditions and institutions the comet had wrought. It had made a change of heart and mind.
 * H. G. Wells, in In the Days of the Comet (1906)

title: Comet


text:
User:The Comet

By being seldom seen, I could not stir But like a comet I was wonder'd at.
 * William Shakespeare in King Henry IV Part 1, Act 3 Scene 1

title: User:The Comet


text:
User talk:The Comet

By being seldom seen, I could not stir But like a comet I was wonder'd at. ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 4 July 2005 18:31 (UTC)
 * William Shakespeare in King Henry IV Part 1, Act 3 Scene 1

title: User talk:The Comet