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The Simpsons/Season 14

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Treehouse of Horror XIII

 * [William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.]
 * Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
 * Townspeople: [Gasp]
 * Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!
 * Townspeople: [Gasp]
 * Billy: The Sundance Kid!
 * Townspeople: [Gasp]
 * Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
 * The Sundance Kid: [imitating] What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
 * Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
 * Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]
 * Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
 * Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!
 * Frank: OK, he's in.
 * Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

 * Homer: [notices Maggie who has been turned into an anteater] Maggie! [Lisa, turned into an eagle, swoops down, grabs Maggie with her claws, and tries to fly away] Lisa! [grabs Lisa from her legs, pulls her down and releases Maggie]
 * Lisa: (defensively) We were just playing.
 * Homer: What game?
 * Lisa: (sheepishly) Let's eat Maggie...?

 * [After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]
 * Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?

 * Lisa: [as an eagle] So, how do you like being a walrus, dad?
 * Homer: [as a walrus] It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school!

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

 * [The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations.]
 * Wise guy: How ya doing?
 * Homer: [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?
 * Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

 * Apu: Can we talk about accentuating the...uh...masculine area?
 * Lenny Kravitz: Did you hear that, everybody? Apu just asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do that. Kenny Loggins does.
 * Kenny Loggins: [Appearing at the window] I trusted you! [Runs away crying].

 * Homer: Mr. Seltzer?
 * Brian Setzer: Setzer.
 * Homer: No, I think it's Seltzer.

 * (Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)
 * Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.
 * Homer: But I like it.

 * (Homer has a backstage pass and jumps over the counter of a Pizza stand)
 * Squeaky Voiced teen: Sir, you can't...
 * Homer: [flashes his card at the teen] All access!
 * Squeaky Voiced Teen: [salutes] Oh. Sorry!

 * Homer: There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail!
 * Keith Richards: That's what I told them!

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade

 * Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.
 * Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.
 * Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?
 * Lisa: Because you've already done it once.
 * [Pause]
 * Bart: You've lost me.

 * Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?
 * Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.
 * [Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]
 * Bart: I must be getting close. [points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

Large Marge

 * Homer: Well, if Bart can be 'El Barto'...
 * ["El Homo" is painted on a wall]
 * Homosexual Latino: Oh, if only I had your courage, sénor.
 * Homer: Thanks [realizes what he just did] Ahh! Oh, God! [Paints frantically to cover it up]
 * Lisa: Dad, you're getting paint all over your wedding ring.
 * Homer: Oh, right. Here, hold it. [Hands the ring to Lisa]
 * Lisa: Dad, this is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.
 * Homer: [Ashamed] My real ring's inside a turtle.

 * Marge: Aaaaah! What on Earth have you done?! My maguppies became bazongas!
 * Surgeon: Great Ceaușescu's ghost! Are those real? [Makes a realization] Oh. Oh, right.

 * Marge: Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding, my surgery was botched!
 * Surgeon: Botched, what is that the word of the day?

 * Bart: The Krusty I know didn't get where he is today by giving up!
 * Krusty: No, I got where I am today by naming names in the '50s!

Helter Shelter

 * (as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)
 * Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?
 * Homer: I go by how funny the sign is. (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)

 * (Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)
 * Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?
 * [a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]
 * Billy the Big Guy in the Back: No thanks.
 * Moe: [angry] Ooh, that little...!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!
 * [at the other end, Bart laughs]

The Great Louse Detective

 * Chief Wiggum: Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
 * Homer: Triple? No, definitely no.

 * Chief Wiggum: Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.
 * Marge: (hopeful) Paris?
 * Chief Wiggum: No, no, not Paris.
 * Marge: (downhearted) I'm never gonna go to Paris.

 * [The Simpsons are in Campbell's Chunky Soup Maximum Security Prison]
 * Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
 * Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

 * Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.
 * Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Sideshow Bob!
 * Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
 * Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Bob!

 * Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!
 * Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids.

 * ''[Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]
 * Lisa: (gasps) Dad's headed straight for the Museum of Swordfish!
 * Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.

 * Homer: Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?
 * Frank Grimes Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?

 * Lisa: Dad! I figured it out! [opens a piece of paper] The murderer is--
 * Homer: I know! Frank Grimes Junior!
 * Lisa: Huh? [looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man"] Precisely. [crumples the paper and kicks it away]

 * [At night, Homer and Bart celebrate their victory at the capture of the perpetrator at Bart's room]
 * Bart: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
 * Homer:: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. [he closes the door, unaware that Bob is hiding on the other side of the door]
 * Sideshow Bob: [jumps down] Hello, Bart. [Bart screams, but Bob quickly covers the boy's mouth with duct tape. He tries reaching for the shock remote, only to find that it is missing.] Looking for this? [He shows Bart the remote he had stolen before tossing it out the window and taking the knife out of his pocket.] Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny, and kill you without doing. [He raises the knife to strike, but looks at Bart's pleading eyes before stopping.] One thrust, and the deed is done. [He raises the knife again, but pauses again at the look of the boy's pleading face before lowering the knife again.] I... I can't do it.
 * Bart: [muffled] Huh? Why not?
 * Sideshow Bob: Well, I guess I've—dear God—grown accustomed to your face! [starts singing "The Very Reason That I Live"]
 * I've... grown accustomed to his face,
 * And dreams of gouging out his eyes.
 * I've grown accustomed to my hate,
 * My plans to lacerate,
 * To disembowel,
 * To hear him howl.
 * [As he sings, Bart tries getting out of bed through the covers, but Bob grabs him and pins him to the wall atop the bedstand with the knife by his nightgown.]
 * The very reason that I live
 * Is plotting how to watch him die.
 * Homer: [bangs on the wall from the other room] Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! [The banging loosens the knife from the wall, and Bart falls down to the floor and tries escaping while sneaking behind Bob.]
 * Sideshow Bob: [continues] I know this chubby scalliwag
 * Has made my life a living hell.
 * [He grabs one of Bart's legs as he sings and dangles the boy upside-down while pulling him close to his face.]
 * Surely, if I drank his blood,
 * I'd be at peace... but, well...
 * Bart: [removes the tape from his mouth and sings] You've grown accustomed to my face?
 * Sideshow Bob: This isn't a duet.
 * Bart: Sorry. [puts the tape back on his mouth]
 * Sideshow Bob: I've grown accustomed to your fear,
 * Accustomed to revenge,
 * Accustomed to... your face.
 * [As he finishes, he carries Bart and sets him back to his bed, then leaps up at the edge of the bed before finishing and jumping out the window, landing on the ground as Bart quickly shuts the window.] We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night. [gets shocked by the remote's button that is repeatedly pressed by the birds on its nest]

Special Edna

 * [Krabappel learns she's been nominated for Teacher of the Year]
 * Edna Krabappel: This after showing the class the R-rated version of Romeo and Juliet! I thought that nipple would haunt me forever!

 * Principal Skinner: [on the phone] Y'ello? Mother? [sighs] I'll be right there. [to Edna] Now she wants to get out of the tub.
 * Edna Krabappel: You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me! We have a date!
 * Principal Skinner: I'll be back in three hours. [suggestive] Maybe less. [normal] But almost certainly more.
 * [Skinner leaves, and Edna starts sobbing]
 * Bart: He's a wiener, Mrs. K. Just say the word, and his desk is full of boogers.
 * Edna Krabappel: That's sweet of you.

 * [The Simpsons are on a ride like the Carousel of Progress]
 * Voiceover: Welcome to the electric car of the future!
 * Car: [in a whiny tone] Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast, or very far. [Bart and Homer look around the scenery with puzzled expressions] And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
 * Animatronic Gay Men: One of us! One of us!

 * (Little Richard is on stage)
 * Homer: Purple Rain!
 * Little Richard: SHUT UP!
 * Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

 * Milhouse: Hey Bart! Want to go for a ride on my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter?
 * Bart: But I just started my paper!
 * Milhouse: It's your last chance! He'll probably get court marshaled for this!
 * Bart: Black Hawk up!

The Dad Who Knew Too Little
(The Simpsons watch Homer's personalized movie for Lisa: "The Adventures of Lisa Simpson, Girl Cowboy". In it, we see Lisa's face, with tongue sticking out, crudely pasted onto a cowgirl's body. The animation is really choppy.)
 * Cowgirl: Howdy, pardners! My name is Sheriff...
 * Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
 * Cowgirl: I sure am hungry for my favorite food...
 * Homer voiceover: McNuggets!
 * Lisa: I don't like McNuggets! I'm a vegetarian!
 * Homer: Still? Well, then you're not gonna like your other present.
 * (Pans to a turkey in wrapping paper on the floor)
 * (In the film a male cowboy rides up)
 * Cowgirl: Why, it's my best friend...
 * Homer voiceover: Maggie!
 * Lisa: Huh?
 * (A bartender enters)
 * Bartender: Bad news, Sheriff...
 * Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
 * Bartender: Some Indians took all the...
 * Homer voiceover: McNuggets! Mmmm... McNuggets... (drools)
 * Cowgirl: I'll get those no-good Indians, just as sure as my favorite book is...
 * Homer voiceover: Magazines! (snores)
 * Bart voiceover: Wake up, Dad!
 * Homer voiceover: Huh? Wha?
 * (The screen goes to static before an angry Lisa turns off the TV)

 * Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
 * Dexter Colt: Yes, you said that already. What else do you know?
 * Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.
 * Dexter: No, about Lisa!
 * Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
 * Dexter: Someone's already worked this guy over.

 * Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is... phonies?! I thought she loved them!

 * Offscreen Voice: Unauthorized user. Access denied.

Strong Arms of The Ma

 * Ranier Wolfcastle: Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life?
 * Homer: Nope, I'm good. Hey, your early porno movies! Eh, are any of these hetero?
 * Ranier Wolfcastle: What's there is there.

 * (Marge breaks a glass jar and points it menacingly at Moe)
 * Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!!

 * (Homer is in bed. A toned Marge walks in, lustfully)
 * Marge: Say, Homie, how about a good luck snuggle before my competition tomorrow?
 * Homer: (feeling trapped) Erm, listen my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow and...
 * Marge: (Gets on top) I wasn't asking. (Veins bulging. She rapes Homer)
 * (the next morning)
 * Homer: Morning kids, I made your lunches.
 * Bart: Where's Mom?
 * Homer: Your Mom has a lot of stuff to shave. (walks off hobbling)

 * (Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)
 * Homer: Marge?
 * (Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)
 * Homer: (voice breaking) Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.

 * Moe: (looks at his destroyed tavern) Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. (pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick)
 * Carl: Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?
 * Moe: Oh, crap.

Pray Anything

 * Marge: You know, most people pray silently.
 * Homer: Marge, he's way the hell up there!

 * Ken Burns: [on a TV documentary about himself] I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.
 * Homer: DIE, MONSTER!!! [changes channel]

 * Marge: I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
 * Ned: [hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?

 * Kent Brockman: Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the Sky!
 * Arnie Pye: You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!
 * Kent Brockman: Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!
 * Arnie Pye: And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!!!

 * (Reverend Lovejoy is forced to leave the Church)
 * Lovejoy: It's okay, the Flanders have offered to put me up.
 * Ned: And, Reverend, you'll be bunking with me.
 * (Lovejoy shudders)

 * Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain, and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
 * Bart: Yeah, but what made the rain stop?
 * Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

Barting Over

 * Lisa: Why did you wake me up!? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center honors.
 * Marge: Well, here's another low rated annual event. Spring cleaning!

 * Bart: Hey, a box of old videotapes. "Marge And Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted?

 * Lisa: [to Bart] You're Baby Stink-Breath, you're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais… [in French] vous êtes L'enfant Stink-Breath!

 * Bart: How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?
 * Homer: I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
 * Marge: Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.
 * Bart: I did? Where is it?
 * Marge: Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo…
 * Homer: [interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!
 * Marge: [groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of…
 * Homer: [rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.
 * Bart: You spent all the money I earned?
 * Homer: I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.
 * [Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing a 'la Michael Jackson and then dropping him]
 * Homer: See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch… I saved you!

 * Bart: I want a divorce from my parents.
 * Blue-Haired Lawyer: You WHA?!
 * Bart: I said I want a divorce from my parents.
 * Blue-Haired Lawyer: Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.
 * Yuwah: Yes, sir.

 * Marge: Bart, you're suing us?
 * Bart: Yes, I wanna be emancipated.
 * Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
 * Lisa: No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
 * Marge: I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!
 * Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
 * Homer: Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
 * [Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]
 * Abe: Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!
 * [The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]
 * Employee: See you tomorrow.

 * [At the trial, the Blue Haired Lawyer holds up a doll commonly used in child molestation cases.]
 * Bart's Lawyer: Bart using this doll, will you show the court where your father stolen money from you?
 * Bart: [pulls out the left pocket of the doll] Here and here. (pulls out the right pocket of the doll)
 * Bart's Lawyer: Let the record show he has pulled out the pockets from the doll.
 * [Homer is nervous and is later seen on the witness stand after Bart's lawyer calls him next]
 * Bart's Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.
 * Homer: Why you little! [Judge Harm stares at him sternly] I... uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
 * Judge Harm: [disbelieving Homer much to the joy of Bart's lawyer] Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?
 * Stenographer: Why you little...
 * Homer: Why you little...!
 * Bart: [laughs] The oldest trick in the book!
 * Homer: Why you little...! [to Judge Harm] Why you little...!
 * [Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged]

 * Judge Harm: No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.
 * Homer: WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!
 * Judge Harm: [Eyes narrowed at Homer for rudely interrupting her verdict] Except in this case!
 * [Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes]
 * Judge Harm: That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!
 * [She slams her gavel]
 * Judge Harm: Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
 * Homer: [thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.
 * Judge Harm: That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
 * Homer: What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?
 * Marge: Homer, don't make things worse!
 * Homer: I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!
 * [He screams and runs towards Judge Harm, intent on attacking her. The bailiff catches him and punches him.]
 * Judge Harm: Take him to the Calmwood! Put him in a restraint!
 * Homer: (being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge) I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!

 * Marge: Please don't go Bart. I'll let you swear in the house: everything but the Big Three.
 * Bart: Sorry, Mom. I just can't, not as long as he's here. [Bart points to Homer, who hides]

 * Homer: [comes outside to confront Bart] Go ahead. Leave. You'll come crawling back.
 * [Bart's taxi is driving away as Homer chases after it]
 * Homer: That's right, crawling on your knees. (stops in the middle of the road) Crawling! [sobbing:] Oh, he's really gone. (starts crying) He's GONE!
 * [he continues sobbing into the night. Next to him is a sign that says "Man Sobbing"]

 * Bart: Well, here I am, on my own... and I'm gonna make it, world!
 * [Bart throws his red cap through a ceiling fan and shreds into pieces. Then a drugs salesman bangs the wall.]
 * Neighbor: Be quiet in there! Some of us are trying to sell drugs!

 * Bart: (starting to cry while in the elevator) I'm gonna die in my jammies.

 * Lisa: That couch looks really pricey.
 * Bart: Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
 * Homer: Of course, because you wouldn't want to... (screams) I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU… (chokes Bart)
 * [Marge is embarrassed]

 * Homer: Psst! Mr Hawk! May I have a word with you?
 * Tony Hawk: An extreme word?
 * Homer: Sure. [loudly] MY SON IS BART SIMPSON, AND--
 * Tony Hawk: I didn't say extreme to the max!
 * Homer: Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly.
 * Tony Hawk: I can relate. I'm a father myself. [sighs] One day they're little shredders, and the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.
 * Homer: Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest, so I can be a hero to my boy again.
 * Tony Hawk: I'll lose millions in endorsements... but okay.

 * Tony Hawk: You're going down, Homer. Then up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

 * Marge: I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this...
 * (Lisa pulls out a rolling counter which is now at 300)
 * Lisa: It's 300, Mom.
 * Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
 * Lisa: Shhh!

 * Bart: Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.
 * Homer: Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!
 * Tony: Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant! Do a 180 emotional Ollie! [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]
 * Homer: FINALLY, someone explains it to me in words I can understand!

 * [Homer is embarrassed to learn that the commercial he starred in is an impotency one.]
 * Bart: Nobody will remember it in 50 years.
 * [50 years later, Homer is dead and his grave has the Impotency Spokesman on it. An elderly Nelson Muntz visits his grave to laugh at him before passing out from the attempt.]

Notes References the episode count of 300 (the 300th was The Strong Arms of the Ma and the 301st was "Pray Anything")

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can

 * Homer: Three Ribwiches, please, and instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.
 * Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.
 * Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my Philly Fudge Steak, then my Bacon Balls, then my What-Cha-Ma-Chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup.
 * Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

 * Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
 * Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box with Krusty saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]
 * Homer: D'oh!

 * Kent Brockman: The Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' This has got to be the slowest news day ever!

 * Bart: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
 * Principal Skinner: Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time!

 * Lisa: (loudly) Then I'll be QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling. (Loud) That's right, QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling.

 * Principal Skinner: Bart, your word is imply.
 * Bart: Imply. I-M-P…
 * Nelson: Bart said, "I am pee." He's made of pee!
 * (The students all laugh)
 * Bart: Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.
 * Ralph: I made Bart in my pants.

 * Principal Skinner: Milhouse, your word is "choke."
 * Milhouse: Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F".... oh, man! (the kids laugh)
 * Principal Skinner: Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! (kids keep laughing) He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.

 * Lisa: Could you use it in a sentence?
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.
 * Principal Skinner: I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

 * Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?
 * Homer: You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich… it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!

 * Principal Skinner: Lisa, "impugn."
 * Lisa: I-M-P...
 * Bart: Hey, Lisa said...
 * Nelson: (Slaps Bart in the back of his head) Shut up, pee!

 * (Lisa dreaming, pondering throwing the spelling match to get a free education at a Seven Sisters college
 * Barnard College: We are the Seven Sisters. And you can attend any one of us! Like Barnard, Columbia's "girl next door."
 * Radcliffe College: Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men."
 * Wellesley College: Or come to Wellesley and marry them."
 * Mount Hollyoke College: (slurring, champagne glass in hand) No. Party with me! (Falls face first)
 * Vassar College: Or nonconform with me! (Raises arms, reveals hairy armpits)"
 * Smith College: (muscular girl, carries lacrosse stick, husky voice) Play lacrosse with me!
 * Bryn Mawr College: Or come explore with me! (She and Smith kiss with passion)

A Star is Born-Again

 * [In Ned's illusion moving to Hollywood, series executive producer James L. Brooks appears]
 * Brooks: Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.
 * Ned: Oh, can I call you Jim?
 * Brooks: James L. Brooks is good. How about some spongecake?
 * Ned: Well, I can't see the harm.
 * Brooks: With a brandy glaze?
 * Ned: Noooo!!
 * Brooks: Or perhaps you like to go to a football game?
 * Ned: Well--
 * Brooks: We don't have a team.
 * Ned: Noo!!
 * Ralph: [picks up a red jellyfish] I made a friend. [the jellyfish stings him and he falls into the water and is pulled away by the current] I'm going to Africa! There's lions, and monkeys, and Santa...!

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

 * Krusty: Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
 * Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
 * Krusty: Russian hooker, you tell me.
 * Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission!
 * Krusty: I did find out one fact; she was a guy!

 * Marge: Look, can you please just tell us why you changed the flightpaths?
 * Airport official: Uh, look, they were changed because a disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.
 * [Cut to Ye Old Off-Ramp Inn, where Mayor Quimby is heard inside having sex]
 * Quimby: Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby! Ohh... [inside] Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
 * Woman: [in a high-pitched, screechy voice] Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest!
 * Quimby: [shocked] That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house!

 * Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.
 * Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?
 * Cletus: Sidewalk.

 * Maggie: [starts drinking Homer's beer]
 * Marge: Maggie, give me that! [takes the beer away from her] That’s Homer’s beer!
 * [Maggie burps]

C.E. D'oh

 * (Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars)
 * Lenny: I say The Phantom Menace sucked more!
 * Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

 * Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

 * Homer: (after getting thrown out of the striptease class) Aw, nobody loves Oily Homer.

 * (Homer tricks Mr. Burns into selling him the power plant, and then fires him)
 * Mr. Burns: So the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark, with a gun for a mouth.

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

 * Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—(cut off by Bart)
 * Bart: Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")
 * (Lights explode. The police come out armed)
 * Clancy Wiggum: Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
 * Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.
 * Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

 * Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

Three Gays of the Condo

 * Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!

 * Lisa: Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
 * Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
 * Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.
 * Marge: Bart, that's not right.
 * Bart: Sorry, Mom... See? It's that easy.

 * Homer: What a well kept street, and there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood. Bet these guys never had any kids.

 * Homer: I'm sorry I'm late. The velvet mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.
 * Marge: Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage and you just get drunk and spend the night with your homosexual boyfriends! (greeting each person on her way down the stairs) Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.

Dude, Where's My Ranch?

 * Homer: [While being attacked by beavers] No! I wanted to die choking on food!

 * Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats.
 * Marge: Homer, those are elk.
 * Homer: I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

 * Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]
 * Moe, Moe, Moe
 * How do you like me? How do you like me?
 * Moe, Moe, Moe
 * Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

Old Yeller Belly

 * Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
 * Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?
 * Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.

 * Homer: Oh, thank God, the dog's here. Pull me free, boy.

 * Homer: I used to think cats were just for losers who live in apartments, until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. (Meow) (pissed off at Santa's Little Helper) Ooh, but as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! (Santa's Little Helper whines) Get out... AND STAY OUT!

 * Homer: Move the net under the window.
 * Lisa: There's no net.
 * Homer: (falling) AAGH! OOF!

Brake My Wife, Please

 * Homer: I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right.
 * Judge Harm: Mr Simpson, give me your license.

(Homer groans and hands it over. Judge Harm uses a miniature guillotine to slice the license in half. The license is then fed to two dogs.)
 * Judge Harm: Burn their poop.

 * Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who the hell am I talking to?

 * Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4.
 * Old Man: We're playing Dominoes.
 * Homer: I said Bishop to Queen-4.

Bart of War

 * TV Announcer: Next on Comedy Central, an all new South Park!
 * Milhouse: I hear those kids' voices are done by grown ups.
 * Bart: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes?
 * [In the South Park episode, the kids are at a rock concert]
 * Stan: I can't believe we paid to see a band with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty The Crippled Robot!
 * Farty: [a robot with a guitar sitting in a wheelchair] Look who's in my fart: O. J.!
 * [Farty produces a fart cloud that disappears, leaving O. J. Simpson in its place]
 * O. J.: [holds up a knife] I'm gonna kill you all!
 * [O. J. decapitates Farty, who inexplicably bleeds red blood, before doing the same to drummer Guttenberg and bassist Flockhart, the latter appearing like a stick figure]
 * Bart and Milhouse: [dancing a dosey-doe] Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!
 * [O. J. appears on screen with Cartman's head on his knife]
 * O. J.: Now I'm gonna find the real killers!
 * [Marge turns off the TV as Bart and Milhouse scream]
 * Marge: Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.
 * ''[Marge turns the TV back on to PAX TV]
 * TV Announcer: Now, back to Good Heavens.
 * [An old couple living in the clouds with their dog appears on screen]
 * Old Woman: Jesus called today.
 * Old Man: He did?!
 * [Bart and Milhouse scream and run away]

 * Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!

 * Homer: Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?
 * Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?
 * (Cut to seniors in the day room enjoying the laxative-laced candies.)

 * Mr. Burns: [seeing the Indian smoke signals] Oh no, the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

 * Ralph: [Gets carried off by a wolf] You smell like dead bunnies!

 * Homer: [looking at the Jumbo-Tron] Oh my, God! That's my wife, and she's crying!

Moe Baby Blues

 * Toy Homer: I peed my pants....
 * Homer: I recorded that for private use!

 * Elmo Doll: (slaps Moe) No means no for Elmo!

title: The Simpsons/Season 14


text:
The Simpsons/Season 18

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer

 * [a large black SUV pulls up outside the school, Fat Tony opens the door]
 * Fat Tony: (in a murderous voice) We are going for a ride...
 * [the children gasp]
 * ... (normally) by which I mean the car pool, perhaps we will get yogurt....
 * [the children sigh with relief]
 * ...(back to murderous) Now, who wants to sleep with the fishes?...
 * [the children gasp again]
 * ...(back to normal) 'cause I just bought this Finding Nemo bedspread!
 * [the children sigh with relief again]

 * [in Fat Tony's home]
 * Fat Tony: Welcome to my home.
 * Marge: [gasps] Must have cost a fortune!
 * Fat Tony: Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.
 * Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.
 * Fat Tony: Your words honor my family.

 * Krusty: Ow, my schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!

 [Nelson finds out Michael's dad is Fat Tony.]
 * Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? [Laughs nervously] Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? [Laughs nervously] Oh, fun is so fun. [Laughs nervously] There is no Mafia! [pulls his own shirt over his face.] Columbus Day is better than Christmas!

Jazzy and the Pussycats

 * Homer: Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as a punishment for all the racket you’re making.
 * Bart: I thought you wanted me to drum?
 * Homer: Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! (slams door, then opens it again) I love you so much. (Hostile) Damn you! (Shakes fist)

 * Krusty: Hey hey! We got more jazz superstars on the way, folks! Gooey Martin, Willie Mims, Dropjaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Bernitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shakey Premise, Boopsie Crouton, Richard Sakai, The Premarital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters, The Chubb Group, Canteloupe St. Pierre and many many more funny names.

Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em...

 * Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
 * Homer: But we already own a book!

 * Homer: This doesn't look easy. But I bet it is!

 * Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...

 * Marge: Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
 * Homer: I did--I made a footrest!
 * Marge: Oh! Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
 * Homer: What's the point? We're all slowly dying...
 * Marge: Oh!

Treehouse of Horror XVII

 * Carl: I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?
 * Lenny: I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.
 * Abe: I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.
 * Lenny: "First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?
 * Abe: Oh, you'll see!

 * [Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]
 * German Guy: What did we Germans do to deserve this?
 * [Other German stares at him]
 * German Guy: Oh, yeah.

G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)

 * Recruiter: How many of you like video games? (the kids cheer) Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?

 * Homer: By the time Bart is 18, we’re gonna control the world. [pause] We’re China, right?

 * Homer: Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
 * Recruiter: A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
 * Moe: The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]

Moe'N'a Lisa

 * Marge: (Reads the firsthand line of Moe′s letter to Homer) "Dear Pusbag".
 * Homer: Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
 * Moe: (yells) It's for you, pusbag!

 * Jameson: (Reads Moe′s poem, then hands it to an assistant) Genius! Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. (Picks up the phone) Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an Advil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! (Hangs up) God, I love this business!

 * Jameson: Aww, that’s sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
 * Employee: This is a poetry journal.
 * Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?!

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)

 * (200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum)
 * Spacewoman: This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
 * Spaceman: If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
 * (Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.)
 * Slave: What do you want from us?!
 * iPod: Nothing, we just like whipping!

 * Homer: Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!

 * Mr. Burns: My fat friend you are hanging by a very thin thread. Now listen Simpson if you want to keep your job, then you better start...

The Haw-Hawed Couple

 * Homer: (thinking) No book is ever going to make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!

 * Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.

Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2

 * Marge: It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.
 * (Cuts to flashback)
 * Selma: Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
 * Marge: No! (Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse) Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? (Trips on a toy car)
 * (Cuts out of flashback)
 * Marge: And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.
 * Homer: Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?

 * Homer: (holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck) Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!
 * Grumple: Never!

The Wife Aquatic

 * (While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.)
 * Kearney: This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!
 * Jimbo: And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".
 * Dolph: (referring to snack) What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.

 * Homer: We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
 * Grampa: Oh, thank you.
 * Homer: I was talking to the cat.

 * Marge: Oh no, someone carved swastikas into your eyes!
 * Homer: I'm sure it was just some guy, who was filled with hate.

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times

 * Marge: Homer no! Revenge never solves anything!
 * Homer: Then what is America doing in Iraq?!

 * Judge: I sentence you to life.
 * Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!
 * Judge: In prison! (hammers podium)
 * Homer: AAAAH!!!

 * Martin: G'morning dinguses! What are you doing, touching each others butts?
 * Dolph: You're so dead you're alive!

 * Lisa: [congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them, but still, it's great!
 * Milhouse: Yep, having a weapon in school has really made things awesome!

 * Milhouse: Ow!
 * Lisa: (giggles)
 * Martin: Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.
 * Milhouse: YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!

(Milhouse inflicts Wet Willie on Martin and another kid
 * Milhouse: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
 * Lisa: Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
 * Milhouse: Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. (Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly)
 * Lisa: No, no, you already got your revenge!
 * Milhouse: You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! (Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie) You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! (Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie) Girls like you better! (Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself) Your parents are married! (Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie)
 * Bart: Ay, caramba! (Back at the present) That's the only line I get in your stupid story?
 * Lisa: There are no small parts, just small actors.
 * Milhouse: (Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies)
 * New Kid: This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!
 * Milhouse: You will! This is prevenge! (Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse)
 * Willie: Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? (Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive)
 * Principal Skinner: (walks by) Willie, clean up this mess!
 * Willie: Alright! (Starts licking his blood)
 * Lisa: Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!
 * Milhouse: You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!
 * Lisa: I see. (Chuckles nervously) While it would be an honor to be your queen...
 * Milhouse: Go on.
 * Lisa: I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.
 * Milhouse: NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! (Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to)
 * Milhouse: I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! (Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up)
 * Nelson: Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! (Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse)

Little Big Girl

 * Grampa Simpson: Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.

 * Bart: Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes!

 * Utah Minister: So, how many wives will you be marrying today, Mr Simpson?
 * Bart: Just one.
 * Utah Minister: What, are you gay?

 * Homer: Bart, take these volleyballs, fill them up, and throw them over the prison wall to create chaos and confusion.

 * Darcy: [to Bart] You look kind of young.
 * Bart: Uh, yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.

 * Darcy: I'm very religious that way.
 * Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? (Darcy slaps Bart) Good answer.

 * [When Darcy screams at Bart to get her strawberries]
 * Bart: Take my wife, please... hey, I finally get that joke!

 * Homer: (calling Bart) Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between "ketchup" and "catsup"? (Bart throws the cell phone away.) They're gonna cut my head off!

 * Lisa: [to Bart while he's driving] Slow down! Watch out for that car. Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00, not 3:00 and nothing!
 * Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage!
 * Lisa: [meekly] I'll be good.

 * Darcy: [to Bart] You really are 10. I just thought you were really stupid.
 * Bart: I'm 10 and stupid! Look if I'm not a father then, who is?
 * Darcy: A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.

Springfield Up

 * Krusty: Homer gave me a kidney once. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came with postage due, but it was a lovely gesture.

Yokel Chords

 * Skinner: You're not getting away with this, young man! You're going to the school psychologist!
 * Psychologist: [running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!
 * Chalmers: Or, preferably, a qualified professional.

 * [at Bart's last counseling session with school-paid psychologist Stacey Swanson]
 * Bart: ...And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".

Rome-old and Juli-eh

 * Homer: I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk. [whispers enthusiastically] I have a good feeling about this!

 * Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?
 * Grandpa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

 [Bart and Lisa swindled a box company into giving them a large amount of boxes that were made into a fort]
 * Sarcastic Man: Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
 * Bart: Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!
 * Sarcastic Man: (Voice becomes deeper) I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!
 * Lisa: What if we're not here?
 * Sarcastic Man: We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. (Normal Voice) It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.

 * [Bart sees the A.S.S bringing reinforcements to attack their cardboard fort]
 * Bart: Who knew guys in brown shirts could cause so much trouble?

Homerazzi

 * Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?
 * (he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
 * Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

 * Marge: (after fire caused by birthday candle) This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
 * Firefighter: You could buy a fire-proof safe.
 * Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
 * Firefighter: Sir we've been here six times this month.
 * Homer: Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.

 * Homer: (while taking a shower by a fire hydrant) Can't you see I have privacy?

 * Bart: What's that comin' out of the safe?
 * Homer: I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.
 * Lisa: Dad, that's ridiculous!

(The safe blows apart from the explosion.)
 * Krusty Doll: What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--(As it burns from the flames and begins melting)--I'd...have...to...(Melts into a plastic puddle)
 * Marge: (Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes) Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.
 * Lisa: I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
 * Marge: (Becoming delighted upon the idea) Restage the photos!
 * Bart: Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!
 * (Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.)
 * Bart: Nooooooo!

Marge Gamer

 * (Marge is telling her family how she is excited over discovering the Internet)
 * Lisa: I am proud of you, mom! You are like Christopher Columbus - you discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

 * Lisa: (angrily) You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
 * Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

 * (Bart is about to revive Marge's character in the online role-playing game)
 * Bart: Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.

The Boys of Bummer

 * Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
 * LaBoot: No I don't! Google my stats! [to Bart] Just it for me kid, you'll be just fine.
 * Lisa: You feel better now, Bart?
 * LaBoot: Bart? Are you Bart Simpson? Talking to you was an error in my life!
 * Everybody boos Bart
 * LaBoot: Boo. Boo indeed.
 * Bart starts crying

 * Homer: This makes up for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life – or ever will!

 * Chief Wiggum: Jump! Who said that?
 * Bart: I hate Bart Simpson!
 * Bart lets go of the rope, falls down and lands on a bush, even when LaBoot tries to catch him. Abe comes by
 * Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
 * LaBoot: Dammit!

Crook and Ladder

 * Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
 * Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?
 * Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

 * Homer: [monotonous] Zombie kill!
 * Bart: Not kill, play!
 * Homer: [sullen] Zombie file grievance.

 * Kent Brockman: While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department -- which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
 * Man: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.

 * Apu: Apu is dead! He has been reincarnated as this cat.
 * [Homer and Moe gasp]
 * Apu: Ha! You have just been Apu'd!

Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot!

 * Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

 * Lisa: Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.
 * Homer: Why, you little-- (strangles Bart) I'll teach you to trick your sister! (grunting while strangling Bart then being constricted by Strangles and changes color)
 * Marge: Homer, can you breathe?
 * Homer: Well, I can breathe out okay. (now really struggling to breathe) Don't give snake attention. It’s what he really-(turns red and falls to the ground) I'm okay!

24 Minutes

 * [Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street]
 * Homer: [gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!
 * Wiggum: Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?

 * Bauer: Good work, Lisa!
 * Bart: What about me?!
 * Bauer: [cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]

You Kent Always Say What You Want

 * Marge: Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!
 * Bart: DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
 * Lisa: Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
 * Homer: [Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!
 * Lisa: You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
 * Homer: [disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

 * Dental Hygienist: Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]
 * Bart: So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]

 * Homer: What the hell is a Fundae?
 * Cashier: It's a Sundae that's fun!
 * Homer: [Yelling] I like that! [Talking normally] But I'm on a bit of a health kick so I'll take the low fat vanilla, with the following mix-ins; Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlotte-ville chew, Nice and Many, Kat-Kit, Herschel Smooches, Mrs. Bad-Bar and Milk-Dudes.

 * Fox News reporter: This is Fox News, with the latest Liberal Outrage. It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it!
 * Homer: Liberals, I hate them so much!

 * Homer: [Breaks the 4th Wall in a white lonely background] Okay, what I was going to say was… [cue Gracie Films logo]

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: The Simpsons/Season 18


text:
User:Russeasby

I have collected a number of quotes over the years that I liked. I am hoping to verify them and contribute them to wikiquote.

title: User:Russeasby


text:
Stephen R. L. Clark

Stephen Richard Lyster Clark (born October 30, 1945) is a British philosopher and professor emeritus of philosophy at the. He specialises in the and animal rights.

The Moral Status of Animals

 * Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1977

 * It is plain that the present system of intensive farming cannot be defended. … Let us then be vegetarians, at least. For those who have recognized flesh-eating for what it is, the merest addiction, and one, as Shelley saw, to ‘kindle all putrid humours in (our) frame’ … for such moralists the step is easy. It is not necessary, rather it is incompetent, to kill and torture animals to eat.
 * p. 46

 * Those who still eat flesh when they could do otherwise have no claim to be serious moralists.
 * p. 47

title: Stephen R. L. Clark


text:
Talk:Stephen R. L. Clark

First article
This the first new article I have created, I would appreciate if anyone can point out to me if I did anything incorrectly or if I left out anything important. I do only have the one quote by him, but he strikes me as a notable enough person to warrent the article (hopefully others can ad more). The bio info is a direct lift from the first line of the wikipedia article, I really couldnt sum it up better, is that an okay thing to do? Rearrange words just for the sake of not repeating wikipedia seems silly. Russeasby 23:19, 24 September 2006 (UTC)

title: Talk:Stephen R. L. Clark


text:
User talk:75.36.85.46

Thanks for experimenting with the page The Jungle Book (1967 film) on Wikiquote. Your test worked, and has been reverted or removed. Please use the sandbox for any other tests you want to do. Please see the welcome page if you would like to learn more about contributing to our compendium of quotations. Thanks. --Slgrandson 23:42, 24 September 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:75.36.85.46


text:
Caryl Chessman

Caryl Whittier Chessman (May 27, 1921 – May 2, 1960) was a convicted robber and rapist who served time on death row and was executed in the state of California.

Sourced

 * I think my greatest usefulness lies in what I've had the opportunity to demonstrate -that the most "hopeless" criminal in existence can be salvaged; that he's worth salvaging, on both humanitarian and hard-headed social grounds. Retributive justice and the execution chamber aren't the answer. In seeking a solution to the crime problem, I believe that vision can and should be substituted for vengeance. I'm convinced that there is much that is narrow and negative and wrong in society's attitude toward and treatment of the man who is said to be at "war" with it, and who often is at war with himself.
 * Caryl Chessman, Cell 2455, Death Row, New Jersey, 1960, p. 372

title: Caryl Chessman


text:
Henry Stephens Salt

Henry Stephens Salt (20 September 1851 – 19 April 1939) was an influential English writer and campaigner for social reform in the fields of prisons, schools, economic institutions and the treatment of animals.

Quotes

 * And, after all, the humane spirit, which is the motive power of all true schemes of reform, is, by its very essence, independent of belief in what is commonly called "success." We work for an ideal, not because we believe the ideal is destined to be triumphant, but because we are impelled so to work, and cannot, without violence to our best instincts, act otherwise. We protest against cruelty and injustice for the same reason, not merely because we feel that the dawn of a better day is at hand, but because such a protest has to be made, and we know intuitively that we must help to make it. Of the event we can have no absolute assurance—it rests for other minds and other hands than our—but we can at least be assured that we have done what was natural and inevitable to us, and that, whether successful or unsuccessful, there was no other course for a thoughtful man to take.
 * "The Poet of Pessimism", Vegetarian Review, August 1896

 * The emancipation of men from cruelty and injustice will bring with it in due course the emancipation of animals also. The two reforms are inseparably connected, and neither can be fully realized alone.
 * From an essay in Cruelties of Civilization (1897) as quoted in Roderick Nash, The Rights of Nature, University of Wisconsin Press, 1989, p. 29.
 * I shall die ... as I have lived, rationalist, socialist, pacifist, and humanitarian.
 * As quoted in Henry Salt, Humanitarian Reformer and Man of Letters, George Hendrick, Illinois (1977).

 * Religion has never befriended the cause of humaneness. Its monstrous doctrine of eternal punishment and the torture of the damned underlies much of the barbarity with which man has treated man; and the deep division imagined by the Church between the human being, with his immortal soul, and the soulless "beasts", has been responsible for an incalculable sum of cruelty.
 * Seventy Years Among Savages (1921).

 * No League of Nations, or of individuals, can avail, without a change of heart. Reformers of all classes must recognize that it is useless to preach peace by itself, or socialism by itself, or anti-vivisection by itself, or vegetarianism by itself, or kindness to animals by itself. The cause of each and all of the evils that afflict the world is the same the general lack of humanity, the lack of the knowledge that all sentient life is akin, and that he who injures a fellow-being is in fact doing injury to himself. The prospects of a happier society are wrapped up in this despised and neglected truth, the very statement of which, at the present time, must (I well know) appear ridiculous to the accepted instructors of the people.
 * Seventy Years Among Savages (1921).

For man's free use and nutriment. Pray, then, inform me, and be candid, Why came they aeons before Man did, To spend long centuries on earth, Awaiting their Devourer's birth? Those ill-timed chattels, sent from Heaven, Were, sure, the maddest gift e'er given— "Sent" for Man's usage (can Man believe it?) When there was no Man to receive it!
 * The Animals, you say, were "sent"
 * The Sending of the Animals, as quoted in The Savour of Salt: A Henry Salt Anthology, Centaur Press, 1989, p. 55.

Animals' Rights

 * Animals' Rights: Considered in Relation to Social Progress, New York: Macmillan & Co, 1894.

 * We have to decide, not whether the practice of fox-hunting, for example, is more, or less, cruel than vivisection, but whether all practices which inflict unnecessary pain on sentient beings are not incompatible with the higher instincts of humanity.
 * Prefatory Note
 * Have the lower animals "rights?" Undoubtedly—if men have.
 * Chapter 1

 * Oppression and cruelty are invariably founded on a lack of imaginative sympathy; the tyrant or tormentor can have no true sense of kinship with the victim of his injustice. When once the sense of affinity is awakened, the knell of tyranny is sounded, and the ultimate concession of "rights" is simply a matter of time.
 * Chapter 1

 * If "rights" exist at all—and both feeling and usage indubitably prove that they do exist—they cannot be consistently awarded to men and denied to animals, since the same sense of justice and compassion apply in both cases.
 * Chapter 1
 * [The] notion of the life of an animal having 'no moral purpose,' belongs to a class of ideas which cannot possibly be accepted by the advanced humanitarian thought of the present day—it is a purely arbitrary assumption, at variance with our best instincts, at variance with our best science, and absolutely fatal (if the subject be clearly thought out) to any full realization of animals' rights. If we are ever going to do justice to the lower races, we must get rid of the antiquated notion of a 'great gulf' fixed between them and mankind, and must recognize the common bond of humanity that unites all living beings in one universal brotherhood.
 * Chapter 1

 * The charge of "sentimentalism" is frequently brought against those who plead for animals' rights. Now "sentimentalism," if any meaning at all can be attached to the word, must signify an inequality, an ill balance of sentiment, an inconsistency which leads men into attacking one abuse, while they ignore or condone another where a reform is equally desirable. That this weakness is often observable among "philanthropists" on the one hand, and "friends of animals" on the other, and most of all among those acute "men of the world," whose regard is only for themselves, I am not concerned to deny; what I wish to point out is, that the only real safeguard against sentimentality is to take up a consistent position towards the rights of men and of the lower animals alike, and to cultivate a broad sense of universal justice (not "mercy") for all living things. Herein, and herein alone, is to be sought the true sanity of temperament.
 * Chapter 1

The Humanities of Diet

 * The Humanities of Diet, Manchester: The Vegetarian Society, 1914 [orig. pub. in London: W. Reeves, 1897]. Excerpts: 1, 2, 3.

 * As man is truly “humanised”, not by schools of cookery but by schools of thought, he will abandon the barbarous habit of his flesh-eating ancestors, and will make gradual progress towards a purer, simpler, more humane, and therefore more civilised diet-system.

 * In the writings of such "pagan" philosophers as Plutarch and Porphyry we find a humanitarian ethic of the most exalted kind, which, after undergoing a long repression during medieval churchdom, reappeared, albeit but weakly and fitfully at first, in the literature of the Renaissance, to be traced more definitely in the eighteenth century school of "sensibility." But it was not until after the age of Rousseau, from which must be dated the great humanitarian movement of the past century, that Vegetarianism began to assert itself as a system, a reasoned plea for the disuse of flesh-food.

 * I say ethical principle, because it is beyond doubt that the chief motive of Vegetarianism is the humane one. Questions of hygiene and of economy both play their part, and an important part, in a full discussion of food reform; but the feeling which underlies and animates the whole movement is the instinctive horror of butchery, especially the butchery of the more highly organized animals, so human, so near akin to man.

 * The ignorance, carelessness, and brutality are not only in the rough-handed slaughtermen, but in the polite ladies and gentlemen whose dietetic habits render the slaughtermen necessary.

 * Before passing on, I will merely add this, that in some ways the evils attendant on slaughtering grow worse, and not better, as civilisation advances, because of the more complex conditions of town life, and the increasingly long journeys to which animals are subjected in their transit from the grazier to the slaughterman.

 * Has the artist ever considered the history of the "chop" which is brought so elegantly to his studio? … He has first employed a slaughterman … to convert a beautiful living creature into a hideous carcase, to be displayed with other carcases in that ugliest product of civilisation, a butcher's shop, and then he has employed a cook to conceal, as far as may be, the work of the slaughterman. This is what the Spectator calls being "humanised" by schools of cookery; I should call it being de-humanised.

 * I advance no exaggerated or fanciful claim for Vegetarianism. It is not, as some have asserted, a "panacea" for human ills; it is something much more rational—an essential part of the modern humanitarian movement, which can make no true progress without it. Vegetarianism is the diet of the future, as flesh-food is the diet of the past.

 * It is often said, as an excuse for the slaughter of animals, that it is better for them to live and to be butchered than not to live at all. … In fact, if we once admit that it is an advantage to an animal to be brought into the world, there is hardly any treatment that cannot be justified by the supposed terms of such a contract. Also, the argument must apply to mankind. It has, in fact, been the plea of the slave-breeder; and it is logically just as good an excuse for slave-holding as for flesh-eating. It would justify parents in almost any treatment of their children, who owe them, for the great boon of life, a debt of gratitude which no subsequent services can repay. We could hardly deny the same merit to cannibals, if they were to breed their human victims for the table, as the early Peruvians are said to have done.

Quotes about Henry Salt

 * I read Salt's book [A Plea for Vegetarianism] from cover to cover and was very much impressed by it. From the date of reading this book, I may claim to have become a vegetarian by choice.
 * Mahatma Gandhi, An Autobiography or The Story of my Experiments with Truth (1927), trans. Mahadev Desai, Part I, Chapter XIV: My Choice.

 * It was Mr. Salt's book, A Plea for Vegetarianism, which showed me why, apart from a hereditary habit, and apart from my adherence to a vow administered to me by my mother, it was right to be a vegetarian. He showed me why it was a moral duty incumbent on vegetarians not to live upon fellow-animals.
 * Mahatma Gandhi, Speech at Meeting of London Vegetarian Society (20 November 1931), in The Collected Works of Mahatma Gandhi (New Delhi: Publications Division Government of India, 1999 electronic edition), Volume 54, p. 188.

title: Henry Stephens Salt


text:
User:Wikiquoter

Quotate to my English Wikipedia account, right here.

title: User:Wikiquoter


text:
Ken Coates

Kenneth Sidney Coates (16 September 1930 – 27 June 2010) was a British politician, Marxist author and editor. He chaired the Bertrand Russell Peace Foundation and edited The Spokesman, the BRPF magazine launched in March 1970. He was a Member of the European Parliament from 1989 to 1999.

Quotes

 * Reports show that the combined Gross Domestic Product of forty-eight countries is less than the wealth of the three richest people in the world. Fifteen billionaires have assets greater than the total national income of Africa, south of the Sahara. Thirty-two people own more than the annual income of everyone who lives in South Asia. Eighty-four rich people have holdings greater than the GDP of China, a nation with 1.2 billion citizens.
 * "Post-Labour's New Imperialism", The Spokesman, no. 79, p. 39

title: Ken Coates


text:
Nursing

Nursing is a healthcare profession focused on the betterment of care of individuals, families, and communities so they may attain, maintain, or recover optimal health and quality of life from birth to the end of life.

Quotes

 * If you are at all familiar with the dominant vocabulary of American bioethics, you are undoubtedly aware that it is an ethics based on principles, most notably the principles of autonomy, beneficence, justice and nonmaleficence People involved in health care, especially physicians and nurses, are expected to observe rules and rights derived from these general principles to determine what they are morally obliged to do in particular situations. If the principles clash, as they often do, then they must be balanced against each other to determine which one obliged or they must be adjusted to preserve coherence in the system. In the minds of many, making moral decisions and judgments in health care ethics remains a process of guiding our actions in accord with the obligations and rights established by the general principles and the more specific rules derived from them.
 * Devettere, Raymond J. (2016). Practical Decision Making in Health Care Ethics: Cases, Concepts, and the Virtue of Prudence, Fourth Edition. Georgetown University Press. Introduction, p.16

 * In a world where there is so much to be done, I felt strongly impressed that there must be something for me to do.
 * Dorothea Dix, quoted in Lydia Maria Child, Letters from New York, Vol. 2 (1845), "Letter 31" (31 December 1844), p. 284

 * When I got really sick at the age of 21, I had my first experience of limit, of pain and loneliness. It changed the way I saw life. For months, I didn’t know who I was or whether I would live or die. The doctors had no idea whether I’d make it either. I remember hugging my mother and saying, “Just tell me if I’m going to die.” I was in the second year of training for the priesthood in the diocesan seminary of Buenos Aires. I remember the date: Aug. 13, 1957. I got taken to a hospital by a prefect who realized mine was not the kind of flu you treat with aspirin. Straightaway they took a liter and a half of water out of my lungs, and I remained there fighting for my life. The following November they operated to take out the upper right lobe of one of the lungs. I have some sense of how people with Covid-19 feel as they struggle to breathe on a ventilator. I remember especially two nurses from this time. One was the senior ward matron, a Dominican sister who had been a teacher in Athens before being sent to Buenos Aires. I learned later that following the first examination by the doctor, after he left she told the nurses to double the dose of medication he had prescribed — basically penicillin and streptomycin — because she knew from experience I was dying. Sister Cornelia Caraglio saved my life. Because of her regular contact with sick people, she understood better than the doctor what they needed, and she had the courage to act on her knowledge. Another nurse, Micaela, did the same when I was in intense pain, secretly prescribing me extra doses of painkillers outside my due times. Cornelia and Micaela are in heaven now, but I’ll always owe them so much. They fought for me to the end, until my eventual recovery. They taught me what it is to use science but also to know when to go beyond it to meet particular needs. And the serious illness I lived through taught me to depend on the goodness and wisdom of others.
 * Pope Francis, “Pope Francis: A Crisis Reveals What Is in Our Hearts”, (Nov. 26, 2020); “Let Us Dream: The Path to a Better Future,” written with Austen Ivereigh.

 * Bound by paperwork, short on hands, sleep, and energy... nurses are rarely short on caring.
 * Sharon Hudacek, A Daybook for Nurses (2004)

 * Murder by Proxy.-“There is at the present time, a kind of infanticide, which, although it is not so well known, is even more dangerous, because done with impunity. There are parents who recoil with horror at the idea of destroying their offspring, although they would greatly desire to be disembarrassed of them, who yet place them without remorse with nurses who enjoy the sinister reputation of never returning the children to those who have untrusted them to their care.  These unfortunate little beings are condemned to perish from inanition and bad treatment. “The number of these innocent victims is greater than would be imagined, and very certainly exceeds that of the marked infanticides sent by the public prosecutor to the Court of the Assizes.”
 * John Harvey Kellogg, Plain Facts For Old and Young, Burlington, IA: Segner & Condit, (1881), p.283

 * It is needless to recapitulate all the causes of unchastity which have previously been quite fully dwelt upon, nearly all of which are predisposing or exciting causes of solitary as well as of social vice. Sexual precocity, idleness, pernicious literature, abnormal sexual passions, exciting and irritating food, glutton, sedentary employment, libidinous pictures, and many abnormal conditions of life, are potent causes in exciting the vile practice; but by far the most frequent causes are evil associations, wicked or ignorant nurses, and local disease, or abnormality. These latter we will consider more particularly, as they have not been so fully dwelt upon elsewhere.
 * John Harvey Kellogg, Plain Facts For Old and Young, Burlington, IA: Segner & Condit, (1881), p.321

 * Wicked Nurses.-In those cases in which the habit is acquired at a very early age, the work of evil is usually wrought by the nurse, perhaps through ignorance of the effects of the habit. Incredible as it seems, it is proved by numerous instances that it is not an uncommon habit for nurses to quiet small children by handling or titillating their genital organs.  They find this is a speedy means of quieting them, and resort to it regardless or ignorant of the consequences. Not an Uncommon Case.-Prof Lusk of Bellevue Hospital College, New York, related to his medical class in our hearing a case which came under his observation in which all of the children in a large family had been taught the habit by a wicked nurse for the purpose of keeping them quiet after they were put to bed.  The vileness that would lead a person to thus rob childhood of its innocence, and blast its prospects for this life and the next, is base enough for the commission of almost any-crime.  Indeed, the crime could hardly have been a  worse one had the nurse referred to in the above case in cold blood cut the throats of those innocent children ; perhaps it might have been better for the children.
 * John Harvey Kellogg, Plain Facts For Old and Young, Burlington, IA: Segner & Condit, (1881) p.324

 * By the early 1890s nurses had begun seriously to discuss ethical issues in nursing. In 1899 the International Council of Nurses was established, professional journals, such as “The American Journal of Nursing”, sprang up and in 1901 Isabel Hampton Robb, a leader of nursing at the time, wrote one of the first books on nursing ethics, entitled Nursing Ethics for Hospitals and Private Use(Robb 1901). The vast majority of nurses are women and, until fairly recently, the vast majority of doctors have been men. Not surprisingly, the relationship between doctors and nurses reflected the different roles of women and men, and their relative status in society. One of the manifestations of this was the assumption that the primary responsibility of nurses was to doctors rather than to patients, and that nurses had to show absolute obedience to their medical colleagues. As one American nursing leader put it in 1917: “The first and most helpful criticism I ever received from a doctor was when he told me that I was supposed to be simply an intelligent machine for the purpose of carrying out his order”(Dock 1917: 394). The view that the nurse’s primary responsibility was to the doctor prevailed until the 1960s, and was still reflected in the 1965 version of the International Code of Nursing Ethics. Item 7 of the Code states: “The nurse is under an obligation to carry out the physician’s orders intelligently and loyally.” The revival of feminist thinking in the late 1960s paralleled the developing self-consciousness and self-assertiveness of nurses, and in the 1973 International Council of Nurses’ Code for Nurses, the nurse’s “primary responsibility” is no longer seen to be to doctors but to patients – “to those people who require nursing care.” This questioning by nurses of their traditional role and their relationship with doctors and patients eventually converged with a movement by feminist philosophers that challenged the traditional (and therefore male-dominated) view of ethics as a matter of abstract, impartial, and universal principles or rules. Instead of this conception of ethics, feminist philosophers like Nel Noddings (1984) conceived of ethics as a fabric of care and responsibility arising out of personal relationships. Building on this“female” approach to ethics, both philosophers and nurses sought to construct a new ethics for nurses based on the concept of care. Jean Watson, a nurse and a prominent proponent of a nursing ethics of care, applies to the nursing situation Noddings’s view that an ethics of care “ties us to the people we serve and not to the rules through which we serve them” (Watson 1988: 2).
 * “A companion to bioethics”, edited by Helga Kushe and Peter Singer, Blackwell Publishing Company, (2009), “What is Bioethics? A Historical Introduction”, pp.6-7.

 * I use the word nursing for want of a better. It has been limited to signify little more than the administration of medicines and the application of poultices. It ought to signify the proper use of fresh air, light, warmth, cleanliness, quiet, and the proper selection and administration of diet—all at the least expense of vital power to the patient.
 * Florence Nightingale, Notes on Nursing (1860)

 * No man, not even a doctor, ever gives any other definition of what a nurse should be than this — "devoted and obedient." This definition would do just as well for a porter. It might even do for a horse. It would not do for a policeman.
 * Florence Nightingale, Notes on Nursing (1860)

 * It is as impossible in a book to teach a person in charge of sick how to manage, as it is to teach her how to nurse. Circumstances must vary with each different case. But it is possible to press upon her to think for herself.
 * Florence Nightingale, Notes on Nursing (1860)

 * Save one life... and you are a hero. Save one hundred lives... and you are a nurse.
 * Chuck Stepanek, Nursing the Corn (2005)

 * A hero is someone who happened to be in the right circumstances and took the action of great humanity. A nurse is someone who took the action of great humanity and chose to be in the right circumstances.
 * Chuck Stepanek, Nursing the Corn (2005)

 * I think the biggest lesson is that we can’t predict what influenza will do. In villages in Alaska, for example, the whole village would become sick at once.  There would be nobody to provide food, nobody to provide shelter—these things can a make a difference.  And even in wealthy nations like the United States, the conclusion at the end of 1918 and 1919 was that the single most important thing that could save your life from flu was good nursing care.  Not medicines, not doctors, not hospitals, but good nursing care.  When you first read those things you’re likely to say, “That can’t be true, what could they do in those days?”  You know, what’s chicken soup going to do?  What’s a blanket going to do?  I believe the data, they’re strong, and some of the best and smartest physicians, nurses, and other observers said it again and again, "good nursing care."
 * David M. Morens, M.D., National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, National Institutes of Health. Transcript: We Heard The Bells: The Influenza of 1918, Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Writer/Producer: Lisa Laden, December 4, 2009.
 * Lethal Injection: The Story Of Vaccination Documentary (Dr. Morens' comments begin (appr.) min. 45:25).

 * Likewise we hold in the highest esteem those doctors and members of the nursing profession who, in the exercise of their calling, endeavor to fulfill the demands of their Christian vocation before any merely human interest. Let them therefore continue constant in their resolution always to support those lines of action which accord with faith and with right reason. And let them strive to win agreement and support for these policies among their professional colleagues. Moreover, they should regard it as an essential part of their skill to make themselves fully proficient in this difficult field of medical knowledge. For then, when married couples ask for their advice, they may be in a position to give them right counsel and to point them in the proper direction. Married couples have a right to expect this much from them.
 * Pope Paul VI, "Humanae vitae: Encyclical of Pope Paul VI on the Regulation of Birth, July 25, 1968", The Vatican, “To Doctors and Nurses”, p.27; Archived from the original on March 3, 2011. Retrieved 2006-10-01.

title: Nursing


text:
Barbara Ehrenreich

Barbara Ehrenreich (August 26, 1941 – September 1, 2022) was a journalist, social critic and honorary co-chair of the Democratic Socialists of America.

Quotes

 * No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots.
 * "Family Values," The Worst Years of Our Lives: Irreverent Notes from a Decade of Greed (1991)

Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America (2001)

 * I complain to one of my fellow servers that I don't understand how she can go so long without food. "Well, I don't understand how you can go so long without a cigarette," she responds in a tone of reproach. Because work is what you do for others; smoking is what you do for yourself.
 * Ch. 1: Serving in Florida (p. 31)

 * What these tests tell employers about potential employees is hard to imagine, since the "right" answers should be obvious to anyone who has ever encountered the principle of hierarchy and subordination. Do I work well with others? You bet, but never to the point where I would hesitate to inform on them for the slightest infraction. Am I capable of independent decision making? Oh yes, but I know better than to let this capacity interfere with a slavish obedience to orders. At The Maids, a housecleaning service, I am given something called the "Accutrac personality test," which warns at the beginning that "Accutrac has multiple measures which detect attempts to distort or 'psych out' the questionnaire." Naturally, I "never" find it hard "to stop moods of self-pity," nor do I imagine that others are talking about me behind my back or believe that "management and employees will always be in conflict because they have totally different sets of goals." The real function of these tests, I decide, is to convey information not to the employer but to the potential employee, and the information conveyed is always: You will have no secrets from us.
 * Ch. 2: Scrubbing in Maine (p. 59)

 * In the new version of the law of supply and demand, jobs are so cheap — as measured by the pay — that a worker is encouraged to take on as many of them as she possibly can.
 * Ch. 2: Scrubbing in Maine (p. 60)

 * Maybe it's low-wage work in general that has the effect of making you feel like a pariah. When I watch TV over my dinner at night, I see a world in which almost everyone makes $15 an hour or more, and I'm not just thinking of the anchor folks. The sitcoms and dramas are about fashion designers or schoolteachers or lawyers, so it's easy for a fast-food worker or nurse's aide to conclude that she is an anomaly — the only one, or almost the only one, who hasn't been invited to the party. And in a sense she would be right: the poor have disappeared from the culture at large, from its political rhetoric and intellectual endeavors as well as from its daily entertainment. Even religion seems to have little to say about the plight of the poor, if that tent revival was a fair sample. The moneylenders have finally gotten Jesus out of the temple.
 * Ch. 2: Scrubbing in Maine (pp. 117-118)

 * At Wal-Mart, a co-worker once advised me that, although I had a lot to learn, it was also important not to "know too much," or at least never to reveal one's full abilities to management, because "the more they think you can do, the more they'll use you and abuse you." My mentors in these matters were not lazy; they just understood that there are few or no rewards for heroic performance. The trick lies in figuring out how to budget your energy so there'll be some left over for the next day.
 * Evaluation (p. 195)

 * If low-wage workers do not always behave in an economically rational way, that is, as free agents within a capitalist democracy, it is because they dwell in a place that is neither free nor in any way democratic. When you enter the low-wage workplace — and many of the medium-wage workplaces as well — you check your civil liberties at the door, leave America and all it supposedly stands for behind, and learn to zip your lips for the duration of the shift. The consequences of this routine surrender go beyond the issues of wages and poverty. We can hardly pride ourselves on being the world's preeminent democracy, after all, if large numbers of citizens spend half their waking hours in what amounts, in plain terms, to a dictatorship.
 * Evaluation (p. 210)

 * The appropriate emotion is shame — shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on — when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently — then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The "working poor," as they are approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else.
 * Evaluation (p. 221)

Blood Rites: Origins and History of the Passions of War (1997)

 * (War) has lodged in our souls as a kind of religion, a quick tonic for political malaise and a bracing antidote to the moral torpor of consumerist, market-driven cultures.

 * our incestuous fixation on combat with our own kind has left us ill prepared to face many of the larger perils of the situation in which we find ourselves: the possibility of drastic climatic changes, the depletion of natural resources, the relentless predations of the microbial world. The wealth that flows ceaselessly to the project of war is wealth lost, for the most part, to the battle against these threats. In the United States, military spending no longer requires a credible enemy to justify it, while funding for sanitation, nutrition, medical care, and environmental reclamation declines even as the need mounts. In the third world and much of the postcommunist world, the preparedness for war far surpasses the readiness to combat disease-witness Zaire's fumbling efforts to contain the Ebola outbreak of 1995, or the swiftly declining life expectancy of the former Soviets.

 * it is a giant step from hating the warriors to hating the war, and an even greater step to deciding that the "enemy" is the abstract institution of war, which maintains its grip on us even in the interludes we know as peace.

 * for all their failings, anti-war movements should already have taught us one crucial lesson: that the passions we bring to war can be brought just as well to the struggle against war.

Quotes about Barbara Ehrenreich

 * So, Barbara once wrote, “In America, only the rich can afford to write about poverty.” And so, that meant you had, in the ’90s and the ’00s, columnists and pundits tossing off columns about so-called deadbeat dads detached from their second homes, right? What she wanted was she wanted to see people who were up close to the experience, who had — themselves either had grown up working poor or were still working in factories, and were professional journalists, as well. And also she wanted to see professional journalists spend weeks, months, years reporting from the frontlines of economic jeopardy. I think it’s really important to think of her as a journalist and an activist. She didn’t necessarily see the bright line that other kind of so-called great journalists tend to see, right? That in the mainstream media, you’re not supposed to have a take or an opinion or a voice. She thought the opposite was true, that you needed to have people who are able to speak truth to power contributing to all of the conversations. So, she was co-chair, actually, of the DSA in early years, and it’s really important to recognize that. She was also part of women’s movements, labor movements. She felt they went hand in hand with the kind of critical writing she did. They were not separate entities. She understood that, on a basic level, people just needed higher wages and more money, basically. And to make this into a moral or personal vendetta against the poor was an obscenity. And she dedicated much of her life to creating media around that
 * Alissa Quart, interview with Democracy Now (2022)

 * So much of this book (For Her Own Good) is so devastatingly informative and is written with such lucid feminist wit, that I kept waiting as I read for the basic proscription against lesbianism to be examined. It never was…"False consciousness" can, I agree, be used as a term of dismissal for any thinking we don't like or adhere to. But, as I tried to illustrate in some detail, there is a real, identifiable system of heterosexual propaganda, of defining women as existing for the sexual use of men, which goes beyond "sex role" or "gender" stereotyping or "sexist imagery" to include a vast number of verbal and nonverbal messages. And this I call "control of consciousness." The possibility of a woman who does not exist sexually for men-the lesbian possibility-is buried, erased, occluded, distorted, misnamed, and driven underground. The feminist books-Chodorow, Dinnerstein, Ehrenreich and English, and others-which I discuss at the beginning of my essay contribute to this invalidation and erasure, and as such are part of the problem.
 * Adrienne Rich, "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence" (1980)

 * The leftist writer Barbara Ehrenreich posted on Facebook that Clinton was "an elitist snob who writes off about a quarter of the American electorate as pond scum."
 * Adam Serwer, The Cruelty is the Point (2021)

title: Barbara Ehrenreich


text:
Charley Reese

Charley Reese (January 29, 1937 – May 21, 2013) was an American syndicated columnist.

Quotes

 * Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
 * “The 545 People Responsible for America's Woes”, Orlando Sentinel Star (March 7, 1985), also known under the title of “Looking For Someone To Blame? Congress Is Good Place To Start”

 * One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president and nine Supreme Court justices — 545 human beings out of the 235 million — are directly, legally, morally and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.
 * “The 545 People Responsible for America's Woes”, Orlando Sentinel Star (March 7, 1985), also known under the title of “Looking For Someone To Blame? Congress Is Good Place To Start”

 * When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise complete power over the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist. If the tax code is unfair, it’s because they want it unfair. If the budget is in the red, it’s because they want it in the red. If the Marines are in Lebanon, it’s because they want them in Lebanon.
 * “The 545 People Responsible for America's Woes”, Orlando Sentinel Star (March 7, 1985), also known under the title of “Looking For Someone To Blame? Congress Is Good Place To Start”

 * But regardless of whose fault it is, most politicians today are not human beings. You want to pry open their mouths and shout into the darkness, 'Hello! Is there a human being in there?' Buried under all that lust for office, all that fear of offending a contributor? I know there must be.
 * “Today’s Politicians Aren’t Human Beings—They’re Androids,” Orlando Sentinel, (Aug. 29, 1993)

 * If we could manage our own finances the way the Congress does the nation’s, we’d all be living in high cotton and eating high on the hog.
 * “Budget Balancing Act All An Act.” Conservative Chronicle (Sept. 20, 1995)

 * If you look at Washington, you see permanently camped on the banks of the Potomac spread around in concentric circles an army representing thousands of selfish interests. The sole purpose of their presence is to plunder, by hook or crook, the public treasury for the benefit of their particular people or corporations.
 * “‘Me’ Method of Government”, Conservative Chronicle, (July 31, 1996) p. 17

 * Some lawyers and judges may have forgotten it, but the purpose of the court system is to produce justice, not slavish obedience to the law.
 * “Don’t sacrifice justice to law”, Conservative Chronicle, (May 1, 1996)

 * We have to stop allowing economics to be used as a trump card. Capitalism is like math. It is amoral. It is good at producing wealth; it's bad at distributing wealth. Unless it operates within a moral framework it will produce an unjust society.
 * Is Economics All There Is?, July 18, 2003

title: Charley Reese


text:
User talk:Xopinkmoonxo

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User talk:AlyxBradford~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos (talk) 04:43, 25 September 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
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Your account will be renamed
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title: User talk:AlyxBradford~enwikiquote