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Dead Ringers

Dead Ringers (BBC Radio 4, 4 January 2000 – 20 October 2005; BBC Two, 18 November 2002 – 2007) is a UK radio and television comedy impressions show broadcast on BBC Radio 4 and BBC2. The programme was devised by Bill Dare and developed with Jon Holmes, Andy Hurst and Simon Blackwell. It stars Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Phil Cornwell, Kevin Connelly and Mark Perry. The principal writers are Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain. The other writers are John Finnemore, David Mitchell, Simon Blackwell, Richard Ward, Colin Birch, Carl Carter, Tony Cooke, Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens.

George W. Bush

 * My fellow animaniacs…
 * My fellow Ugly Bettys...
 * My fellow amoeboids…
 * My fellow watermelons…
 * My fellow pelicans…
 * My fellow umbrellastands…
 * My fellow sea-beavers…
 * My fellow ostriches…
 * My fellow Bulgarians…
 * My fellow Abi Titmuses…
 * My fellow Algorithms…
 * My fellow Merkins…
 * My fellow crustaceans...
 * [Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…
 * You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…
 * Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers.
 * The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins.
 * Former President, Bill Clitoris…
 * My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…
 * Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished.
 * Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people.
 * [After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer.
 * As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program.
 * Al-Kapowwow

Tony Blair

 * People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…
 * People of Britain, oh how I hate to be beside the seaside grimace, hate Gordon Brown hand gesture, looking over his shoulder underpants…
 * People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, twitchy face, embarrassing plum suit, today...
 * People of Britain, this is your Supreme Overlord…
 * People of Britain, who hate me…
 * You miserable gits, this is your Prime Minister…
 * People of Britain, this is your Emperor…
 * Slack-jawed simpletons of Britain, this is your leader…
 * ... But I am not Tony Blair. No, my real name is Enrique "The Condor" Martinez ...
 * [regarding George W. Bush] As you can see, the lights are on but no one's in the trailer home.
 * People of Britain, this is your I-can't-believe-it's-not-Gordon Prime Minister.
 * [after just regenerating into the Tenth Doctor] New Labour. That's weird.

John Prescott

 * The listeners understand, John, and Gordon Brown agrees with this and you've had your say, that in so far as this policy is implemented if I can get a word in edgeways and the whole Cabinet is behind this…
 * I never said I was the Queen. This was twisted by the media back into the order in which I said it.
 * Look, simply Blair has lost touch with the people! (Beat) Oh dear I almost made sense there!
 * And that's the end of the whole affair. And by affair I don't mean affair so will you quiet down, Pauline!
 * I used the funds for my large volume of important work (Beat) and my wife's volume of important hair
 * It is with deep regret and double chin that I announce this.

Kirsty Wark

 * He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.
 * I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better you're making me ill. More on that story later.
 * I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot. More on that story later.
 * I've got something to put in you, I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar. More on that story later.
 * You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot — happy Christmas, your arse, I pray God it's your last. More on that story later.
 * I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. More on that story later.
 * It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. More on that novel later.
 * My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.. More on that story later.
 * I want money, that's all I want, just give me money. More on Jeremy Paxman's new salary demands later, but first…
 * My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. More on that story later
 * My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. More on that story later.
 * Push me, and touch me, so I can get my satisfaction. More on that story later.
 * They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no. More on that story later.
 * I've had the same jeans on for four days now. More on that story later.
 * And i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall at your door. More on that story later.
 * Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later.
 * Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. More on that story later.
 * You're watching Newsnight... are you trying to impress someone? More on that story later.
 * One love for the city streets, one love for the hip hop beats. One love is all we need. More on that story later.
 * Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.
 * If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

Fiona Bruce

 * Hello and welcome to the Ten O'Clock News with me Fiona Bruce. It's not the news in my life, it's the life in my news.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce, proud to be tested on animals.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm sat on the luckiest chair in Britain.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Breaking news, breaking hearts.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm the one who made the frog crazy.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. There's never a hosepipe ban when I'm around.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Forget The Da Vinci Code, I'm the one who'll bring the Catholic Church to its knees.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. When the news is good, I'm good. When it's bad, I'm better.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. If you're looking for a source of alternative energy, you've come to the right place.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce; the real reason Thierry Henry is staying in Britain.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce; Michael Schumacher has been stripped of his pole position from the Monaco Grand Prix, after an incident during the qualifying lap, and I've just won £50 from my producer for saying stripped, pole and lap without moving my eyebrows.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce; David Cameron's first choice of luxury item.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce; Play your cards right, and you could be in for a Brucey bonus!
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. I'll make Peter Crouch.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Like Britney Spears, I'm completely shaved.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Standing up, or behind the desk, it's all the same with me!
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. With rear end suspension and airbags as standard.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't move! I like you in that position
 * X-Men? They are when I've finished with them.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year?  Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!
 * I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe.
 * David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!
 * Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood.
 * I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!
 * You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford.
 * You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. The whole world's competing to lift my cup.
 * I'm Fiona Bruce. There's about 100,000 people in my catchment area.

BBC Continuity Announcers

 * Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through.
 * Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is.
 * And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen

 * Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band.

 * Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!

 * Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news.

 * Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity.

 * Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!

 * Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine.

 * Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24.

 * This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials.

 * You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?
 * Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!
 * Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible.
 * Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!
 * At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother.
 * You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!
 * Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio.
 * Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again.
 * Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!
 * There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King.
 * This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa.
 * Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse.
 * Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week.
 * You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?
 * Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap.
 * Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum.
 * A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy.
 * You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?
 * Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode.
 * Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost.
 * Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!
 * And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!
 * Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV.
 * Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television.
 * Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!
 * It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!
 * Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here.
 * Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet.
 * This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards.
 * This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too.
 * Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!
 * Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through.
 * Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!
 * CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History.
 * Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all.
 * You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!
 * There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!
 * Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32.
 * (At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh.
 * Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends.
 * At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life.
 * This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo.
 * Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5.
 * Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary.
 * You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um.
 * It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades.
 * Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!
 * Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!
 * (At the Ribbon Gymnasts BBC One Ident): Now on BBC One, Drama. Oh no, oh God, she's falling, somebody save her! Somebody please, save her! Oh...! Oh no, she's OK... oh... they're all OK! Phew, I was worried there for a moment!
 * This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!
 * Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!
 * Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!
 * All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them.
 * Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were.
 * On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner.
 * Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!
 * Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!
 * So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing.
 * Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45.
 * You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh.
 * Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'
 * You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!
 * Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!

Charlotte Green

 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!
 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style.
 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you.
 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to hear me?
 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Too orangey for crows.
 * BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, the Home Counties' very own Pussycat Doll.

Brian Perkins

 * I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you...Radio 4!
 * I'm Brian Perkins. At my signal, unleash hell!
 * BBC Radio 4. I'm Kaiser Soze!
 * BBC Radio 4. I'm the Firestarter!
 * They counted without one thing. Me, Stone Cold Brian Perkins!
 * BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!
 * I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra.
 * BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise.
 * Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me.
 * BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady.

John Humphries

 * It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight.
 * It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four.
 * It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time.
 * It's time...James Naughtie got me a cup of tea!
 * The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!
 * The time is just coming up to...my ankles.
 * The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side.
 * (in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal)

 * £250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?
 * You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy.
 * Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing.
 * Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom.

Jose Mourinho

 * Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near.
 * And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!

Sven-Goran Eriksson
Regarding the player wage cuts in 2005 Unsourced
 * Sweden, where I was designed and built
 * Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch
 * I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete
 * It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service.
 * Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad.
 * They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart.
 * They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)
 * The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

Tom Baker (The Fourth Doctor)

 * You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!
 * [Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]
 * I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy.
 * (When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!
 * I travel in space and time ... and on trains
 * You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together.
 * 1245, a wonderful year.
 * This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]
 * Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need.
 * Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?
 * You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER.
 * (comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes.
 * (when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!
 * When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair.
 * Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!

Obi-Wan Kenobi
[Obi-Wan Kenobi to a used car salesman]
 * We need passage to Aldershot.
 * A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked.
 * A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away.
 * A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!
 * Could it outrun Imperial vessels?
 * Could it resist a tractor beam?
 * The color of my last car was a little on the dark side.
 * I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.
 * [Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!
 * [Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!

Maximus Decimus Meridius

 * Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now.
 * Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI
 * I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus.
 * Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?
 * We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague.
 * We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle.
 * Mick? I will call you Mickus
 * [when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter.
 * We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde.

Cross-breed gags

 * Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!
 * Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!
 * Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…
 * Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…
 * You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…
 * Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control.
 * Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.
 * Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!".
 * I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…
 * I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted
 * And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…
 * I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck.
 * Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!
 * Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap.
 * Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub.
 * Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week.
 * Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am.
 * Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!
 * I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop.
 * I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!
 * Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab.
 * My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons.
 * Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand.
 * I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy...
 * I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!
 * Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross".
 * Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross.
 * Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat
 * My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!
 * My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Not a lot of people know that.

Dialogue

 * Den Watts: Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.
 * Alfie Moon: But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?
 * Den Watts: Nah they already filled that...
 * David Blunkett: Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.
 * Sharon Watts: Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?
 * Den Watts: Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.
 * Alfie Moon: Why not? He must've really hurt her.
 * Sharon Watts: Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!
 * Alfie Moon: But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?
 * Den Watts: (Beat) Me.

 * Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.
 * Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

 * The Doctor: Is this B&Q?
 * B&Q Employee: Yes.
 * The Doctor: Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?
 * B&Q Employee: Yes.
 * The Doctor: Do you sell dustbins?
 * B&Q Employee: Yes.
 * The Doctor: Do you sell wooden dowels?
 * B&Q Employee: Yes.
 * The Doctor: And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?
 * B&Q Employee: Er...yes?
 * The Doctor: Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

 * Pat Butcher: Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...
 * Brian Perkins: Me, Brian Perkins!

 * Jonathan Ross: The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.
 * Harry Potter: Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.
 * Rolf Harris: Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!
 * Director: Next!
 * Billy Connolly: Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!
 * Director: Next!
 * Brian Blessed: HELLO! I'M BRIAN BLESSED!
 * Director: Next!
 * Brian Perkins: BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenny Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

 * Harry Potter: I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.
 * Gandalf: No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.
 * Harry: Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.
 * Gandalf: Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.
 * Frodo: You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!
 * Obi-Wan: No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
 * Harry: Dumbledore!
 * Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!
 * Gandalf: You've nicked that bit off me!
 * Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.
 * Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that bit too!
 * Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!
 * [Obi-Wan and Gandalf fight. Darth Vader enters.]
 * Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.
 * Frodo: Saruman!
 * Obi-Wan: No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!
 * Harry: That's Lord Voldemort!
 * Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.
 * Harry: You're my father?
 * Vader: I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

 * Professor Snape: Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious cloaks. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

(Harry and his friends, all dressed in Muslim veils shake their heads.)

 * Snape: (Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

(Harry rises to his feet and tosses off the cloak, revealing that he is stark naked.)

 * Snape: (Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

 * Announcer: Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!
 * Osama: Are there any Americans in the audience
 * An audience member raises his arm
 * Osama: Kill him!

 * Noel Edmonds: Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?
 * Tony: Nyeh.
 * Noel Edmonds: Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?
 * Tony: I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.
 * Noel Edmonds: They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?
 * Deal or No Dealers: No!
 * Noel Edmonds: So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

(they start attacking Tony with bats)
 * Noel Edmonds: Now let's keep playing.
 * Contestant: Do I have to?
 * Noel Edmonds: (under his breath) It's spreading!

title: Dead Ringers


text:
User talk:81.241.27.185

The Prophet
The vote to put The Prophet up for deletion on Wikiquote is not based on the merits of this famous and admired book. Our only reason for doing this is that the entire book has been copied, which means that it could be a serious violation of copyright laws and could result in the entire project of Wikiquote in English being shut down. In fact, this is what has already happened to Wikiquote in French based on one complaint about one violation.  Naturally, we do not want to see this happen to us as well on English Wikiquote. If we find that The Prophet can legally be quoted in its entirety, we will transfer it to Wikisource, which is where complete texts of books can be found. If we find that it violates copyright to quote the entire book, then we will have to delete it and quote the book selections only on the Kahlil Gibran page. The Gibran page already has some selected quotations from The Prophet. - InvisibleSun 15:56, 23 July 2006 (UTC)

 * By the way, I suspect the "vote" recorded by the editor using this IP address was removed because this editor apparently did not read the instructions at the top about posting comments, and in fact created not one but two separate new sections with LOTS OF ALL-CAPS SHOUTING just to register a complaint, which is about as rude a wiki edit as you can make without specifically insulting someone or vandalizing a page. (I would normally suspect a simple misunderstanding, but the editor demonstrated enough wiki editing knowledge to make bold, indexed headlines within the comments.) Please use the formatting established for WQ:VFD when registering a vote or comment, and always properly sign these postings with four tildes ( ~ ), which the wiki editor will convert into your username or IP address and a date/timestamp. (Your name is appreciated but unnecessary — it's your username or IP that identifies you as an individual making a legitimate post.) Thank you for your cooperation. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 00:40, 24 July 2006 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:81.241.27.185


text:
Achewood

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001

2001

 * Teodor: Philippe is standing on it.
 * Philippe is standing on it

 * Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
 * Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing
 * Bloopers and outtakes
 * Lie Bot: Saddest Thing: redux
 * Saddest Thing Tri-reduxtastic
 * Saddest Thing IV

2002

 * Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
 * Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!
 * Ray: No, really! They are really silly people!  Stop listening to them!
 * Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
 * Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray
 * Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
 * Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure
 * Roast Beef Sometimes

 * Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
 * ASS IN YOUR PANTS

2003

 * Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover!  This is the big one!  I...I'm talkin' physical therapy!  Wheelchairs and stuff!  Speakin' at high schools!
 * (Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover
 * Hangover Therapy

 * Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?
 * Nice Pete: It's kind of like
 * Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game
 * Nice Pete: I am there
 * Nice Pete: and the other player is there
 * Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us
 * Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van
 * Nice Pete: and I am the winner
 * Killing is Like Basketball

 * Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
 * Artificial Japanese Liver

 * Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV.
 * Philippe at Berlin McDonald's

 * Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles
 * Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans

 * Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night
 * Beef: What was that
 * Beef: Heh heh that's right
 * Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"
 * Blue Nun Widemouths

2004

 * Beef: Hey there Jackie D
 * Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast
 * Tuck Me In Jack Daniels

 * Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!
 * Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--
 * Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!
 * Pat is quick to generalize

 * Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
 * Beef is not Lenny Kravitz

 * Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN
 * Beef: SAY IT
 * Judi Dench's Three Pound Underwear

2005

 * Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him.
 * The Great Wayans Brother Cookbook Issue

 * Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie!
 * Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins?
 * Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house?
 * Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place!
 * Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing.
 * Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all.
 * (Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place.
 * Lyle and Ray's Perfect Jays

 * Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing?
 * Dinner with Cartilage Head

2006

 * Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys.
 * Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything.
 * Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment.
 * Ray has Airwolf

 * Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?
 * The Mike Stonetower School

 * Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!
 * Please Fuck Ray Friday

 * Ray: Emeril food! Now!  Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey?  Where's the butter?  Put butter on what I said!
 * Ray Walks Home From Mexico

2007

 * Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse.  Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.
 * The Gay Porn/Moonwalk Analogy

 * Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?
 * Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.
 * Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition

 * Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.
 * Cornelius: Fuck along, now.
 * Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition

 * Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!
 * Philippe's 5th Birthday Party

 * Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!
 * Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A CHAIR !
 * Fuck You Friday September Twenty-First

 * Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION.
 * Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart.
 * Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene.
 * Pay Attention

2008

 * Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny
 * Knuckleheads Magic Adventure

 * Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance
 * Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin
 * Wealth Intervention

 * Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."
 * The Last Time You Make Love

2009

 * Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin
 * Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me
 * Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead
 * The Pocket Dial.

 * Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP!
 * Romanticized Sketch of the Birth of the Nacho.

Alternate Text

 * Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax.
 * Piss Shiver
 * Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things.
 * Llewellyn Ash, baby
 * Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men
 * Burritos/Oral Sex
 * Patronize your local fast food cart
 * Pat is quick to generalize
 * Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful.
 * Pat is on the radio again!
 * 750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder.
 * Beef is not Lenny Kravitz
 * It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.
 * Charlie Brown, you died

title: Achewood


text:
The Sifl and Olly Show

The Sifl and Olly Show (1998-1999) was a sock puppet show created by Liam Lynch and shown on MTV. The show stars a black sock puppet named Sifl with grass for hair, a white sock puppet named Olly with a flower on the top, and a yellow sock puppet named Chester that looks like a dog.

Olly

 * Now folks, here's a nightmare scenario. You're cuddled up in bed, you hear that "step, thump, step, thump" of a pirate coming up your stairs. You'd hide under your covers. But, it's not going to do you any good. He's drank your liquor, number one. Number two... He's looking for treasure. He's a pirate folks, you're DEAD.

 * I'm standing here in the middle of, hell, I dunno where I was at this point, with like, six cartons of eggs, and all this guy can say is "him go up the cricker." What the hell is that?

Dialogue

 * Olly: Next caller.
 * Caller: I think these Squirrel Zappers are so inhumane.
 * Olly: My friend, what about electric dog fences? What about the fact that squirrels are responsible for 70% of all deaths?
 * Caller: No, they're not.
 * Olly: But they are. They are actually.
 * Sifl: Yeah, I've had serious problems with squirrels.
 * Olly: Why would we be lying if we were on television?

 * Jargon Scott: Hi, I'm Jargon Scott.
 * Sifl: Uh oh...
 * Olly: Hi, Jargon, what's your question?
 * Jargon Scott: Well, I was gonna ask you boys if you'd be interested in, uh, purchasing a little item I've got here.
 * Olly: Not legless dogs...
 * Jargon Scott: Today I am offering legless dogs.
 * Olly: No, I'm sorry, we're not interested.
 * Jargon Scott: Now listen, hear me out... You never have to walk 'em.
 * Olly: Oh gosh...
 * Jargon Scott: They're like cuddly throw pillows.
 * Olly: No, look, we just...
 * Jargon Scott: Like cats with personality.
 * Olly: We just can't really...
 * Jargon Scott: They never run away.
 * Sifl: True, but...
 * Jargon Scott: They're safe around children. What do you guys say?
 * Sifl: No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we're not interested, sir.
 * Jargon Scott: Hear me out buddy.

 * Olly: Do you know the language of love?
 * Chester: Yeah, it's like...
 * Olly: How's it go?
 * Chester: Sure, "Hey fruity lips... come on, come on home with me sugar butt."
 * Olly: Sugar Butt?
 * Chester: Yeah.
 * Olly: You called a girl "Sugar Butt"?
 * Chester: Yeah, and I keep cereal in my pocket, to feed them.

title: The Sifl and Olly Show


text:
Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto (5 January 1928 – 4 April 1979) served as the President of Pakistan from 1971 to 1973 and as Prime Minister from 1973 to 1977. Bhutto was made leader of Pakistan hastily shortly after Pakistan's bitter defeat in the Indo-Pakistani War of 1971. He was the founder of the Pakistan People's Party (PPP), largest and most influential political party of Pakistan. Bhutto was executed in 1979 following a controversial trial in which he was convicted of authorizing the murder of a political opponent. His son, Murtaza Bhutto was a Member of Parliament of Pakistan and was assassinated in a 1996 encounter with police. His daughter Benazir Bhutto afterwards became leader of the PPP, serving twice as Prime Minister of Pakistan before her assassination on 27 December 2007.

1973

 * Pakistan was once called the most allied ally of the United States. We are now the most non-allied.
 * As quoted in The New York Times (6 July 1973).

Quotes from Daughter of the East (1989)

 * They are going to kill me. It doesn't matter what evidence you or anyone comes up with. They are going to murder me for murder I didn't commit.
 * Speaking to a his daughter Benazir Bhutto, as quoted in her book Daughter of the East (1989).

 * I did not kill that man. My God is aware of it. I am big enough to admit if I had done it, that admission would have been less of an ordeal and humiliation than this barbarous trial which no self respecting man can endure. I am a Muslim. A Muslim's fate is in the hands of God Almighty I can face Him with a clear conscience and tell Him that I rebuilt His Islamic State of Pakistan from ashes into a respectable Nation. I am entirely at peace with my conscience in this black hole of Kot Lakhpat. I am not afraid of death. You have seen what fires I have passed through.
 * Letter to his attorney, Yahya Bakhtiar, after his death sentence, as quoted in My Dearest Daughter : A letter from the Death Cell (2007).

 * If the people wanted my head I would bow without demur. If I had lost the confidence or respect of the people I would not want to live. The tragedy of the drama is that the very opposite is true.
 * Letter to his attorney, Yahya Bakhtiar, after his death sentence, as quoted in My Dearest Daughter : A letter from the Death Cell (2007).

Oriana Fallaci. Interview with Ali Bhutto in Karachi, April 1972

 * Oriana Fallaci. (2011). Interview in : Interviews with history and conversations with power. New York: Rizzoli.

 * According to what I’ve been able to find out so far, there must have been something like fifty thousand. Mind you, too many. Even if the action was morally justified. I’m not trying to minimize things; I’m trying to bring them back to reality—there’s quite a difference between fifty thousand and three million.

 * Every government, every country, has the right to exercise force when necessary. For instance, in the name of unity. You can’t build without destroying. To build a country, Stalin was obliged to use force and kill. Mao Tse-tung was obliged to use force and kill. To mention only two recent cases, without raking over the whole history of the world. Yes, there are circumstances where a bloody suppression is justifiable and justified.

 * Tikka Khan was a soldier doing a soldier’s job. He went to East Pakistan with precise orders and came back by precise orders. He did what he was ordered to do, though he wasn’t always in agreement, and I picked him because I know he’ll follow my orders with the same discipline. And he won’t try to stick his nose in politics. I can’t destroy the whole army, and anyway his bad reputation for the events in Dacca is exaggerated. There’s only one man really responsible for those events—Yahya Khan. Both he and his advisers were so drunk with power and corruption they’d even forgotten the honor of the army. They thought of nothing but acquiring beautiful cars, building beautiful homes, making friends with bankers, and sending money abroad. Yahya Khan wasn’t interested in the government of the country, he was interested in power for its own sake and nothing else. What can you say of a leader who starts drinking as soon as he wakes up and doesn’t stop until he goes to bed? You’ve no idea how painful it was to deal with him. He was really Jack the Ripper.

 * He (Mujib) was just out of prison, he seemed full of bitterness, and this time we were almost able to talk quietly. He said how East Pakistan was exploited by West Pakistan, treated like a colony, sucked of its blood—and it was very true; I’d even written the same thing in a book. But he didn’t draw any conclusions, he didn’t explain that the fault was in the economic system and in the regime, he didn’t speak of socialism and struggle. On the contrary, he declared that the people weren’t prepared for struggle, that no one could oppose the military, that it was the military that had to resolve the injustices. He had no courage. He never has had. Does he really call himself, to journalists, the »Tiger of the Bengal«?

 * Politically the Mukti Bahini count for nothing, lacking as they do any ideological preparation, any indoctrination, any discipline. Then socially speaking, they’re a disturbance—they only know how to fire in the air, frighten people, steal, yell Joi Bangla. And you can’t run a country by yelling Joi Bangla. The Bengali Maoists, on the other hand ... well, they certainly don’t represent a very refined productat most they’ve read half of Mao’s little red book. But they’re an articulate force and don’t let themselves be used by the Indians, and I don’t even think they’re against the unity of Pakistan. They’ll end up having the upper hand.

 * There’s nothing in common between the East Bengalis and the West Bengalis. Between us and the East Bengalis, on the other hand, there’s religion in common. The Partition of 1947 was a very good thing.

 * Mrs. Gandhi has only one dream: to take over the whole subcontinent, to subjugate us. She’d like a confederation so as to make Pakistan disappear from the face of the earth, and that’s why she says we’re brothers, and so forth. We’re not brothers. We never have been. Our religions go too deep into our souls, into our ways of life. Our cultures are different, our attitudes are different. From the day they’re born, to the day they die, a Hindu and a Muslim are subject to laws and customs that have no points of contact. Even their ways of eating and drinking are different. They’re two strong and irreconcilable faiths. It’s shown by the fact that neither of the two has ever succeeded in reaching a compromise with the other, a modus vivendi. Only dictatorial monarchies, foreign invasions, from the Mongols to the British, have succeeded in holding us together by a kind of Pax Romana. We’ve never arrived at a harmonious relationship.

 * Oh, Mrs. Gandhi is wrong about her father! Nehru instead was a great politician—she should have half her father’s talent! Look, even though he was against the principle of Pakistan, I’ve always admired that man. When I was young I was actually enthralled by him. Only later did I understand that he was a spellbinder with many faults, vain, ruthless, and that he didn’t have the class of a Stalin or a Churchill or a Mao Tse-tung.

 * As for my two wives, what can I do about it? They married me off at thirteen, to my cousin. I was thirteen and she was twenty-three. I didn’t even know what it meant to have a wife, and when they tried to explain it to me, I went out of my mind with rage. With fury. I didn’t want a wife, I wanted to play cricket. I was very fond of cricket. To calm me down, they had to give me two new cricket bags. When the ceremony was over, I ran off to play cricket. There are so many things I must change in my country! And I was fortunate. They married my playmate off at the age of eleven to a woman of thirty-two. He always said to me, »Lucky you!«

 * When I fell in love with my second wife, I was twenty-three. She was also studying in England, and though she was an Iranian, that is, from a country where polygamy is the custom, it was hard for me to persuade her to marry me. I didn’t have many arguments except for the two words, »So what, dammit!« No, the idea of divorcing my first wife never went through my head. Not only because she’s my cousin, but because I have a responsibility toward her. Her whole life has been ruined by this absurd marriage to a boy, by the absurd custom in which we’ve been raised. She lives in my house in Larkana; we see each other every so often. She’s almost always alone. She hasn’t even had children—my four children are born of my second marriage. I’ve spent little time with her—as soon as I was an adolescent I went to the West to study. A story of injustice. I’ll do everything I can to discourage polygamy—besides it causes no small economic problem. Often the wives are separated in different houses or cities, as in my case. And not everyone can afford it, as I can.

 * And I say something else. If I were to ascertain that our soldiers really used violence on the women of Bangladesh, I’d insist on being the one to try them and punish them.

 * So I must proceed with patience, by reforms, measures that will gradually lead to socialism—nationalizing when possible, refraining from it when necessary, respecting the foreign capital of which we have need. I must take my time, be a surgeon who doesn’t plunge his knife too deeply into the fabric of society. This is a very sick society, and if it’s not to die under the knife, you have to operate with caution, waiting slowly for a wound to heal, for a reform to be consolidated. We’ve been asleep for so many centuries, we can’t violently wake ourselves up with an earthquake. Besides, even Lenin, in the beginning, stooped to compromises.

 * Politicians are always trying to make you believe that they’re good, moral, consistent. Don’t ever fall in their trap. There’s no such thing as a good, moral, consistent politician. Politics is give-and-take, as my father taught me when he said, »Never hit a man unless you’re ready to be hit twice by him.«

 * When I went to America, her message had so sunk into my ears that I became a radical. I went to America to study at the University of California, where a jurist of international law was teaching. I wanted to take my degree in international law. And that was the period of McCarthyism, of the communist witch hunts—my choices were laid out. To get away from Sunset Boulevard, from the girls with red nail polish, I ran off to Maxwell Street and lived among the Negroes. A week, a month. I felt good with them—they were real, they knew how to laugh. And the day in San Diego when I wasn’t able to get a hotel room because I have olive skin and looked like a Mexican ... well, that helped.

Letter to his daughter (1978)

 * Quotes from a letter to his daughter, Benazir Bhutto (21 June 1978), as published in My Dearest Daughter : A letter from the Death Cell (2007)

 * If things do not change, there will be nothing left to change. Either power must pass to the people or everything will perish.
 * p. 14.

 * Your grand-father taught me the politics of pride, your grandmother taught me the politics of poverty. I am beholden to both for the fine synthesis. To you, my darling daughter, I give only one message. It is the message of the morrow, the message of history. Believe only in the people, work only for their emancipation and equality. The paradise of God lies under the feet of your mother. The paradise of politics lies under the feet of the people.
 * p. 14.

 * You cannot be big unless you are prepared to kiss the ground. You cannot defend the soil unless you know the smell of that soil. I know the smell of our soil. I know the rhythm of our rivers. I know the beat of our drums. The theories, the dogmas and the scripts stand outside the gates of history. The dominant factor is the aspiration of the people and the ability to seek total identification with it. Once the significance of the symphony is grasped, the lines fall into place, the dogmas and theories get legs to move in time to the majesty of that music. This does not mean that I am preaching pragmatism. There is a lot of expediency in pragmatism. I am trying to trace the roots of the problems, the genesis of the challenges, the cause of the struggle.
 * p. 15

 * What gift can I give you from this cell out of which my hand cannot pass? I give you the hand of the people. What celebration can I hold for you? I give you the celebration of a celebrated memory and a celebrated name. You are the heir to and inheritor of the most ancient civilization. Please make your full contribution to making this ancient civilization the most progressive and the most powerful. By progressive and powerful I do not mean the most dreaded. A dreaded society is not a civilized society. The most progressive and powerful society in the civilized sense, is a society which has recognized its ethos, and come to terms with the past and the present, with religion and science, with modernism and mysticism, with materialism and spirituality; a society free of tension, a society rich in culture. Such a society cannot come with hocus-pocus formulas and with fraud. It has to flow from the depth of a divine search. In other words, a classless society has to emerge but not necessarily a Marxist society. The Marxist society has created its own class structure.
 * p. 15.

 * The favourite slogan, the one that caught on during the May 1968 fête in France was "it is forbidden to forbid". There is nothing to forbid the youth of Europe to reject both communism and capitalism. What will they build in the absence of both systems? Will their concept of building a new structure with a new philosophy mean willful self-destruction? This sounds insane but the youth of Europe is not insane.
 * p. 20.

 * We badly need to gather our thoughts and clear our minds. We need a political ceasefire without conceding ideological territory. We need a ceasefire to bury dead thoughts and to overcome fatigue. The modus vivendi has to be honourable and above board. Both sides have lost or, should I say, neither side can win. During the ceasefire a combination of existing forces might create a new order or a new equation between existing forces. Whatever the formula, it cannot be evolved on the battlefield of the old or new cold wars. The new international order has to emerge through the demands of a Third World summit conference. The answer to the North-South conflict, which is more serious than the East-West conflict, has to be found honestly and with unimpeachable integrity. Genuine disarmament will not come on its own or by platitudes at special sessions of the United Nations on disarmament, although, I was among the first to propose such a conference eighteen years ago.
 * p. 28

 * This is not a letter on Pakistan. If it were, I could have written a small book entitled "Glimpses of Pakistan's history". Time does not permit it. The nation is gripped in her worst crisis, standing in the middle of the road between survival and disintegration. Since the birth of Pakistan, crisis has followed crisis in rapid escalation. Millions of lives were sacrificed to create this country. Pakistan is said to be the dream of Mohammad Iqbal and the creation of Muhammad Ali Jinnah, the Quaid-e-Azam. Was anything wrong with the dream or with the one who made the dream come true? Opinions have differed and continue to differ. The next few years will most probably decide the issue, perhaps once and for all, and not without bloodshed. This process is not inevitable but the present policies of the ruling junta are driving this country towards a sad inevitability
 * p. 37.

 * Tin-pot dictators have ravaged Asia, Latin America and Africa. In the aftermath, they have done more to promote communism than the works of Marx and Engels, Lenin and Mao. They are the worst tyrants of the post-colonial period. They have destroyed time-honoured institutions and treated their people like animals. They have caused internal divisions and external confusion. The dictator is the one animal who needs to be caged. He betrays his profession and his constitution. He betrays the people and destroys human values. He destroys culture. He binds the youth. He makes the structure collapse. He rules by fluke and freak. He is the scourge and the ogre. He is a leper. Anyone who touches him also becomes a leper. He is the upstart who is devoid of ideals and ideology. Not a single one of them has made a moment's contribution to history.
 * p. 63.

 * A military junta is the herald communism. The failure to realize this axiomatic fact is the cause of the confusion in Africa, Asia and Latin America. Military rule turns the people totally and irrevocably against the bemedalled generals and their patrons. Where else can the people turn? If freedom, democracy and the rights of man are to be put on the counter to see whether copper and coffee is to cost ten cents more or ten cents less and bargained away with so little consideration, then freedom is a very cheap commodity and the rights of man are not worth a nickel.
 * p. 68

 * in Western estimation it is preferable to be a communist leader of a communist state, than to be a non-communist leader of a non-communist state having friendly relations with communist states. The anomaly does not cease here. It is even more dangerous to be pro-West. One disagreement in defence of a national cause, and out goes that civilian leader by a coup d'etat. He gets replaced by a tin-pot military dictator who would not dare to disagree about anything, including the vital national interests of his country.
 * p. 69.

 * For Christians, the teaching and directives of Christ are more Sacred than those of a Messenger of God. According to the Christians, those teaching and directives are of God Himself. Most of the problems of the Third World would be solved if the Christian West implemented in letter and spirit only one directive of Jesus Christ. The directive to "Render unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar and to God that which belongs to God". The Third World only want what belongs to it and nothing more. For over two hundred years, the Christian civilization of the West has been mercilessly violating this directive of Jesus Christ. The West has been taking everything belonging to Caesar and everything belonging to God. The West is not dividing the share equitably. It is not rendering to us what belongs to us. This division relates to the economic, social, racial and political rights of the Third World.
 * p. 72.

 * I am guiding you to seek truth from the facts of the historical conditions of our society and to identify the problems. The correct solutions will come with the correct identification of the problems.
 * p. 78

 * Earlier, I have cautioned you against an outright pragmatist approach. Now I am cautioning you against an outright populist approach. Sometimes a populist decision is, in the long run, not beneficial to the masses. Neither pragmatism nor populism are fundamental political and socio-economic doctrines. Nor do I say that you should play it by ear. I have made this melancholy analysis in anguish. My jail surroundings have not influenced my objectivity. I do not want to see the whole world in a death-cell merely because I am in a death cell. I do not say that the High Court has pronounced a death sentence on the world because a law court has pronounced a perverse death sentence on me. I would be the happiest man if the gloomy winter of mankind were to give way to a shaft of sunlight and to coloured flowers. The world is very beautiful. "A thing of beauty is a joy forever". There is the beauty of the landscape, of the tall mountain, the green plains, the humped deserts. There is the beauty of the flowers and the forests, of the azure oceans and the meandering rivers. There is the splendour of architecture, the magnificence of music, and the sparkle of the dance. Above all, there is the beauty of man and woman, the most perfect creations of God.
 * p. 78 - 79

 * I am partial to the pantheism of Shelley. There is beauty everywhere. Even in a total war of annihiliation it will not be possible to wipe out all of it. Beauty is too beautiful to perish altogether. In this period of twelve months in solitary confinement I have rarely recalled an unpleasant or ugly glimpse of the past.
 * p. 79.

 * Life is a love affair. There is a romance with every beauty of nature. I have no hesitation in saving that my most passionate love affair, my most thrilling romance has been with the people. There is an indissoluble marriage between politics and the people. That is why "Man is a political animal" and the state a political theatre. I have been on this stage of the masters for over twenty tumultuous years. I believe I still have a role to play. I believe the people still want me on this stage, but if I have to bow out, I give you the gift of my feelings. You will fight the fight better than me. Your speeches will be more eloquent than my speeches. Your commitment equally total. There will be more youth and vitality in your struggle. Your deeds ill be more daring. I transmit to you the blessing to the most blessed mission. This is the only present I can give you on your birthdays.
 * pp 79 - 80.

 * It would be bad politics to try and summarize a situation which is dynamic. Have faith in mankind and its mission. God the Creator is the God of all mankind. God is omnipotent yet. The Creator of this World and the World after this one has imposed on Himself the obligation to be kind and forgiving. No tin-pot dictator of a palm-tree society is capable of imposing any such obligations on himself. On the contrary, he vainly boasts that he is answerable and accountable to nobody.
 * p. 80.

 * Africa will rid herself of the maniacs. Africa will live to show that "Black is beautiful". Africa is ancient but Asia is ageless. Her nimble and graceful beauty has adorned civilization from the birth of mankind. Latin America has become the castanet of an international culture that links Andalusia to Arabia and the Caribbean. What beauty there is in the tap of her flamenco! Europe is glamorous and adorable, so seductive that she is still beautiful after a number of face lifts. America has been watergated. In that flow of stagnant waters you can behold beauty in its reflection. In etherial terms the whole world is beautiful. In physical terms I have rarely seen more scenic beauty than in California or in Texas. What pains me is to see how the blind power of that most powerful society is turning that beauty into something as sinister as the portrait of Dorian Grey.
 * p. 80

 * Religion is a link between God and man and man and man. Political ideology is a link between man and man. For this reason the great religions of the world like Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the last of all religions, have outlived and outlasted political ideologies. If an unlearned adventurer in his quest for political power and perpetuation brings religion down from its celestial plane to a mundane level by converting it into a narrow political ideology, the adventurer endangers the link between God and man and man and man.
 * p. 80.

 * What I write is full of infirmities. I have been in solitary confinement for twelve months and in a death cell for three months, deprived of all facilities. I have written much of this by resting the paper on my thigh in unbearable heat. I have no reference material or library, I have rarely seen the blue sky. The quotations are from the few books I was permitted to read and from the journals and newspapers you and your mother bring once a week during your visits to my suffocating cell. I am not making excuses for my deficiencies but it is very difficult to rely on a fading memory in such physical and mental conditions. I am fifty years old and you are exactly half my age. By the time you reach my age, you must accomplish twice as much as I have achieved for the people.
 * p. 82.

Quotes about Bhutto

 * The Chief Justice who heard the case was known to have a deep personal antipathy towards him. The Government controlled press poisoned the atmosphere in which the five justices considered the evidence with constant attacks on Mr. Bhutto’s character and record. Half of the case was heard in camera. The quality of the evidence was highly questionable. The prosecution witnesses were a shady bunch. But the task set for the five justices by the soldiers who have ruled Pakistan since last July's coup was quite clear: Mr. Bhutto must be removed.
 * The Economist [London] (25 March 1978).

 * He was the only one who appealed for clemency for his life.
 * Latif Afridi, president of the Peshawar Bar Association, and a member of the Awami National Party, speaking about Baloch leader Ghous Bux Buzenjo in an interview with NEWSLINE. After his trial, but there were many such appeals by international leaders.

 * He was a human being and also had his weaknesses as all human beings have, but he was an exceptionally brilliant politician and a very courageous man. Above all, he was an ardent patriot who loved his country, lived for it and died for it as a martyr. When the defeated military junta handed over the country to him after its dismemberment in 1971, he devoted all his energies with the single-minded purpose of re-building what was left of Pakistan.
 * Yahya Bakhtiar, his attorney at his trial on charges of authorizing a murder.

 * The only ones (Muslims) I’ve had a civil relationship with remain poor Ali Bhutto, the first prime minister of Pakistan, who was hanged because he was too friendly to the West, and the most excellent king of Jordan: King Hussein. But those two were as Muslim as I am Catholic. ... And one evening, without my request, he told me the story of his first marriage. A marriage against his will, when he was less than thirteen years old. With a wife, a cousin who was already a woman. He confessed it to me with tears.
 * Oriana Fallaci. The Rage and The Pride (2002)

 * The twenty-nine-year-old Mehtab had heard the news about the military coup while she was in the United States. In the early hours of July 5, 1977, Prime Minister Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, popular and charismatic, was arrested and thrown in jail. The man who had ousted Bhutto was his own army chief, General Zia ul-Haq. Zia, as he would come to be known, promised this was temporary. “My sole aim is to organize free and fair elections which would be held in October this year,” he had declared on television. “Soon after the polls, power will be transferred to the elected representatives of the people. I give a solemn assurance that I will not deviate from this schedule.” There would be no elections. In September 1978, Zia declared himself president. Bhutto was still in jail.
 * Kim Ghattas, Black Wave: Saudi Arabia, Iran, and the Forty-Year Rivalry That Unraveled Culture, Religion, and Collective Memory in the Middle East (2020)

 * This is not a parliamentary government, but a Prime Minister's dictatorship.
 * Mahmud Ali Kasuri, former PPP Law Minister who resigned, speaking in reference to the 1973 constitution's draft.

 * I had come from Kabul only after I was assured that there was democracy in the country … but what I saw here was the worst ever dictatorship, it was virtually a one man rule.
 * Khan Abdul Ghaffar Khan in 1972, quoted from a conversation with Yusuf Lodhi.

 * Mr.Bhutto always accused his political opponents of the very actions which he intends to perform himself.
 * Khan Abdul Wali Khan leader of the National Awami Party speaking in court against charges of treason.

 * There is one possible grave for two people … let us see who gets in first.
 * Khan Abdul Wali Khan quoted in Newsweek.

 * Ali Bhutto was a great man … but he could be cruel.
 * Mairaj Muhammad Khan, Ex PPP Minister of Manpower and Labour under Bhutto, sacked by him, and tortured by the FSF, as quoted in Waiting for Allah by Christina Lamb.

 * I found him brilliant, charming, of global stature in his perceptions … he did not suffer fools gladly. Since he had many to contend with with, this provided him with more than his ordinary share of enemies.
 * Henry Kissinger, The White House Years (1979).

 * Despite his Berkeley education, he was firmly anti-American. So Nixon loathed him: “the son-of-a-bitch is a total demagogue.”
 * Richard Nixon, quoted from Bass, G. J. (2014). The Blood telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a forgotten genocide. ch 2

 * You bloody flunkies can wait as long as you like for the Maharaja of Larkana, I'm going home!
 * J. A Rahim, former Secratary General and Federal Minister of the PPP … shouted in disgust at a dinner being hosted by Bhutto . Later that night he was beaten by FSF commando's and sent into exile).

 * He said "either I'll die or I'll be killed" … he was obsessed with it … At times he used to say, "I feel like giving up everything and going away" … he was man of intuition, but he always talked about death.
 * Husna Sheikh, Bhutto's mistress and some say his third wife, as quoted in Zulfi Bhutto of Pakistan: His Life and Times (1993) by Stanley Wolpert

 * The Islamists killed Benazir Bhutto as they killed her father. But they shouldn’t be allowed to kill Pakistan’s hopes for democracy.
 * Amir Taheri, "The Bhutto assassination: Democracy must go on", New York Post (28 December 2007)

 * What is a constitution? It is a booklet with twelve or ten pages. I can tear them away and say that tomorrow we shall live under a different system. Today, the people will folow wherever I lead. All the politicians including the once mighty Mr. Bhutto will follow me with tails wagging.
 * Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq, speaking to an Iranian Newspaper in September 1977, as quoted in Pakistan, a Dream Gone Sour (1997) by Roedad Khan

 * I hate anybody projecting as a leader … if you want to serve the Islamic Ummah and Humanity, do it as a humble person. Amongst Muslims we are all Muslim brothers … not leaders.
 * Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq, quoted in an interview with the Saudi Press Agency.

 * It is either his neck or mine! … I have not convicted him, and if they hold him guilty, my God, I am not going to let him off!
 * Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq, quoted by Roedad Khan.

title: Zulfikar Ali Bhutto


text:
User talk:24.125.120.39

Hey Joanie, You and I can be buds. I could care less about the exploitative, and self-serving bullshit on the internet. Who cares what's downstairs. Its what's in the heart that matters.so..did you go totally straight? No periodic martini???

title: User talk:24.125.120.39


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Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Yeo2k985. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Yeo2k985~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

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Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:39, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 06:00, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Walshgu~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Joerg Kurt Wegner

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Joerg Kurt Wegner


text:
User talk:CuseE20

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:CuseE20


text:
User talk:Knives~enwikiquote

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Knives. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Knives~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:27, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:51, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Knives~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Kristinkreuk

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Kristinkreuk


text:
User talk:LunaMoth116

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:LunaMoth116


text:
User talk:1WWDD3~enwikiquote

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called 1WWDD3. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name 1WWDD3~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:16, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:40, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:1WWDD3~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Jiaomw

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! -- Robert 02:36, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Jiaomw


text:
User:Kjoonlee

Hi. :)

ko:User:Kjoonlee

title: User:Kjoonlee


text:
User talk:68.54.8.142

~ Kalki 04:26, 24 July 2006 (UTC)

Please stop adding nonsense to Wikiquote, as you did to Jesus. It is considered vandalism. If you would like to experiment, use the sandbox. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 22:21, 18 September 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:68.54.8.142


text:
User talk:JFerence

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 04:55, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:JFerence