text:
Rebecca (film)

Rebecca is a 1940 film about a naive young woman who marries a rich widower, moving to his gigantic mansion, where she finds the memory of the first wife maintaining a grip on her husband and the servants.
 * Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Written by Robert E. Sherwood and Joan Harrison, based on the novel by Daphne du Maurier.

The shadow of this woman darkened their love. Taglines

2nd Mrs. de Winter

 * Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter, for the way was barred to me. Then, like all dreamers, I was possessed of a sudden with supernatural powers and passed like a spirit through the barrier before me. The drive wound away in front of me, twisting and turning as it had always done. But as I advanced, I was aware that a change had come upon it. Nature had come into her own again and little by little had encroached upon the drive with long tenacious fingers, on and on the poor thread that had once been our drive. And finally, there was Manderley, Manderley, secretive and silent. Time could not mar the perfect symmetry of those walls. Moonlight can play odd tricks upon the fancy, and suddenly it seemed to me that light came from the windows. And then a cloud came upon the moon and hovered an instant like a dark hand before a face. The illusion went with it. I looked upon a desolate shell, with no whisper of a past about its staring walls. We can never go back to Manderley again. That much is certain. But sometimes, in my dreams, I do go back to the strange days of my life which began for me in the south of France...

Maxim de Winter

 * [to the 2nd Mrs. de Winter] Do you remember that cliff where you first saw me in Monte Carlo?... That was where I found out about her... She stood there laughing, her black hair blowing in the wind, and told me all about herself — everything. Things I'll never tell a living soul. I wanted to kill her. It would have been so easy. Remember the precipice? I frightened you, didn't I? You thought I was mad. Perhaps I was. Perhaps I am mad. It wouldn't make for sanity, would it, living with the devil. "I'll make a bargain with you," she said. "You'd look rather foolish trying to divorce me now after four days of marriage. So I'll play the part of a devoted wife, mistress of your precious Manderley. I'll make it the most famous showplace in England, if you like. Then people will visit us and envy us and say we're the luckiest, happiest, couple in the country. What a grand show it will be! What a triumph!" I should never have accepted her dirty bargain, but I did.
 * [to the 2nd Mrs. de Winter] But you. I can't forget what it has done to you. I was looking at you, thinking of nothing else all through lunch. It's gone forever, that funny, young, lost look that I loved. It won't come back again. i killed that too, when I told you about Rebecca. ...It's gone, in twenty four hours. You are so much older...

Jack Favell

 * I'd like to have your advice on how to live comfortably without hard work.

Mrs. Edythe Van Hopper

 * [to the 2nd Mrs. de Winter] So this is what's been happening during my illness! Tennis lessons, my foot! I suppose I have to hand it to you for a fast worker. How did you manage it? Still waters certainly run deep. Tell me, have you been doing anything you shouldn't?... But you certainly have your work cut out as mistress of Manderley. To be perfectly frank with you, my dear, I can't see you doing it. You haven't the experience. You haven't the faintest idea of what it means to be a great lady. Of course, you know why he's marrying you, don't you? You haven't flattered yourself that he's in love with you? The fact is that empty house got on his nerves to such an extent, he nearly went off his head. He just couldn't go on living alone... Hmmph, Mrs. de Winter! Goodbye, my dear, and good luck.

Mrs. Danvers

 * [to the 2nd Mrs. de Winter] Why don't you go? Why don't you leave Manderley? He doesn't need you. He's got his memories. He doesn't love you. He wants to be alone again with her. You've nothing to stay for. You've nothing to live for really, have you? Look down there. It's easy, isn't it? Why don't you? Why don't you? Go on. Go on. Don't be afraid!

Dialogue

 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: You know, I, I wish there could be an invention that bottled up a memory like perfume and it never faded, never got stale. Then, whenever I wanted to, I could uncork the bottle and, and live the memory all over again.
 * Maxim de Winter: And what particular moment in your young life would you want to keep?
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: Oh, all of them. All these last few days. I, I feel as though I've, I've collected a whole shelf full of bottles.
 * Maxim de Winter: Sometimes, you know, those little bottles contain demons that have a way of popping out at you just as you're trying most desperately to forget.

 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: Our marriage is a success, isn't it? A great success? We're happy, aren't we? Terribly happy? If you don't think we are happy, it would be much better if you didn't pretend. I'll go away. Why don't you answer me?
 * Maxim de Winter: How can I answer you when I don't know the answer myself? If you say we're happy, let's leave it at that. Happiness is something I know nothing about.

 * Mrs. Danvers: You wouldn't think she'd been gone so long, would you? Sometimes, when I walk along the corridor, I fancy I hear her just behind me, that quick, light step. I couldn't mistake it anywhere, not only in this room, but in all the rooms in the house. I can almost hear it now. Do you think the dead come back and watch the living?
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: I don't believe it.
 * Mrs. Danvers: Sometimes I wonder if she doesn't come back here to Manderley to watch you and Mr. de Winter together. You look tired. Why don't you stay here and rest, and listen to the sea? It's so soothing. Listen to it. Listen.

 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: Why do you hate me? What have I done to you that you should ever hate me so?
 * Mrs. Danvers: You tried to take her place. You let him marry you. I've seen his face, his eyes. They're the same as those first weeks after she died. I used to listen to him, walking up and down, up and down, all night long, night after night, thinking of her. Suffering torture because he lost her.
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
 * Mrs. Danvers: You thought you could be Mrs. de Winter, live in her house, walk in her steps, take the things that were hers. But she's too strong for you. You can't fight her. No one ever got the better of her. Never. Never. She was beaten in the end, but it wasn't a man. It wasn't a woman. It was the sea.

 * Mrs. de Winter: Maxim, can't we start all over again? I don't ask that you should love me. I won't ask impossible things. I'll be your friend, your companion. I'll be happy with that.
 * Maxim de Winter: You love me very much, don't you? But it's too late, my darling. We've lost our little chance at happiness.
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: No, Maxim, no.
 * Maxim de Winter: Yes. It's all over now. The thing has happened, the thing I've dreaded, day after day, night after night.
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: Maxim, what are you trying to tell me?
 * Maxim de Winter: Rebecca has won. Her shadow has been between us all the time, keeping us from one another. She knew that this would happen.

 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: How could we be close when I knew you were always thinking of Rebecca? How could I even ask you to love me when I knew you loved Rebecca still?
 * Maxim de Winter: What are you talking about? What do you mean?
 * 2nd Mrs. de Winter: Whenever you touched me, I knew you were comparing me with Rebecca. Whenever you looked at me or spoke to me, or walked with me in the garden, I knew you were thinking, "This I did with Rebecca, and this, and this." It's true, isn't it?
 * Maxim de Winter: You thought I loved Rebecca? You thought that? I hated her! Oh, I was carried away by her, enchanted by her, as everyone was. And when I was married, I was told that I was the luckiest man in the world. She was so lovely, so accomplished, so amusing. "She's got the three things that really matter in a wife," everyone said: "breeding, brains, and beauty." And I believed them, completely. But I never had a moment's happiness with her. She was incapable of love or tenderness or decency.

Taglines

 * The shadow of this woman darkened their love.
 * The most glamorous woman of all time!
 * A lonely man, a lovely girl... struggling against the secret of Manderley
 * The shadow of a remembered woman came between their lips... but these two had the courage to hope... and to live their love!

Cast

 * Laurence Olivier - George Fortescu Maximillian 'Maxim' de Winter
 * Joan Fontaine - The Second Mrs. de Winter
 * George Sanders - Jack Favell
 * Judith Anderson - Mrs. Danvers
 * Nigel Bruce - Major Giles Lacy
 * Reginald Denny - Frank Crawley
 * C. Aubrey Smith - Colonel Julyan
 * Gladys Cooper - Beatrice Lacy
 * Florence Bates - Mrs. Edythe Van Hopper
 * Melville Cooper - Coroner
 * Leo G. Carroll - Dr. Baker

title: Rebecca (film)


text:
The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report (October 17, 2005 - December 18, 2014) is an American comedy television program starring political humorist Stephen Colbert, formerly of The Daily Show. The show satirizes personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. It was created by Colbert, and Jon Stewart and Ben Karlin of The Daily Show.

It's what Lincoln would have watched. Taglines.

Season 1 (2005)

 * Stephen Colbert: Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat night crawler of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes.  And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.

 * Stephen: On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

 * Stephen: Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you.

 * Stephen: Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.

 * Stephen: I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.

 * Stephen: Put on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth you all night long!  This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The Colbert Report!

Season 2 (2006)

 * Stephen: Good news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!

 * Stephen: (Talking about how Magna morphs and the magnetic parts that they feature. Colbert had attached the bear's head to the eagle's body) This allows you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom, with a godless killing machine!! Look at that! Half-bear, half-eagle, it's a beagle! And this is a grizzly, so it's a greagle. Kill it! Kill it! (Panically dismantles the "greagle").

 * Stephen: I've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: [using the Da Colbert Code] Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! [whispers] Makes so much sense. Oh, if this code fell into the wrong hands. Let's try a current mystery. Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush!  Okay, now let's use this for something important. Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter Garden...beer garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.

 * Stephen: [to guest Bill O'Reilly] I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.

 * Stephen: Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.

 * Stephen: If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

 * Stephen: Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

 * Stephen: Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a… Bulgogi tonight! (Showing a bowl with mixture of several pieces of meat, lettuce and other vegetables) lovely. That is a…… not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a raw egg over it. (Cracking egg to the bowl) And…… I…am… (holding a chopstick) going to… enjoy that…… a little bit later. (hides the bowl under the desk)

 * Stephen: It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie [the former was false]. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.

 * Stephen: You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?
 * Peter Agre: Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.
 * Stephen: Are there monkeys as smart as you?
 * Agre: I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.
 * Stephen: Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"
 * Agre: That's the Economics prize, I think.

 * Stephen: Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.

 * Stephen: Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can't suck.

 * Stephen: I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
 * The Wørd: Chicks Dig Accents.

 * Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections.
 * Stephen: The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.  I thought this country would last longer than 230 years.  That's it, folks, America is over.  At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians.  Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction.  Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go.  Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender.  Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these.  And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it.  [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq!  And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! Screw this! I quit!

 * Stephen: [getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.
 * The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.
 * Sam: You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.
 * Stephen: No it doesn't.
 * Sam: Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!
 * Stephen: [with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long!  Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]
 * Sam: You're welcome.
 * Stephen: [turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass.  You got me, old man?
 * Sam: Yes.
 * Stephen: Yes, what?
 * Sam: Yes, sir.

 * Stephen: [ostensibly attempting to disprove Freudian motivations behind his political beliefs] I am in favor of missile defense, yes: not because missiles remind me of a penis; I like them for their power: the thrust, the explosive imposition of our will into the fertile deltas of another country.
 * 9 May 2006

 * Stephen: Look, do you believe there's a God?
 * : I'm not sure.
 * Stephen: Really?
 * Bart: Yeah.
 * Stephen: So you're an agnostic?
 * Bart: That's right.
 * Stephen: Isn't that just an atheist without balls?
 * 20 June 2006

Season 3 (2007)

 * Stephen: Reality has become a commodity.

 * Stephen: I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut.

 * Stephen: We went to Iraq for one reason.
 * The Wørd: WMDs?
 * Stephen: No.
 * The Wørd: 9/11?
 * Stephen: No.
 * The Wørd: Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?
 * Stephen: Kind of.

 * Stephen: [Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

 * Stephen: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

 * Stephen: [Upon learning that Willie Nelson has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.] Willie Nelson has a flavor? What's in it, shredded tax forms and hash?

 * Stephen: Join me next time on Colbert Platinum when I'll be joined by Master Chef Reginald Durham for a luxury cookout with the elite burger "Panda Patties". Mmmm. Yes, you can taste the rarity.

 * Representative John Yarmuth accepts Stephen's challenge to face him in an impromptu debate.
 * Stephen: Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.
 * Yarmuth: Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.

 * Stephen: Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

 * Stephen: If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a response. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.

 * Stephen: [In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.]'' Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

 * Stephen: Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.
 * The Wørd: Vote?

 * Stephen: Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

 * Stephen: Love is a full-length mirror.

 * Stephen: I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

 * Stephen: You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.
 * The Wørd: Or The Constitution.
 * Stephen: You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.
 * The Wørd: You Shoot A Man In The Face.

 * Stephen: We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.
 * The Wørd: 632 A.D.
 * Stephen: Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...M...D
 * The Wørd: L...I...E

 * Stephen: Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

 * Stephen: Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.

 * Stephen: When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.

Season 4 (2008)

 * Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President
 * Stephen: The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!

 * Stephen: [on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?
 * Jimmy: We have no script, Stephen.
 * Stephen: Why not?
 * Jimmy: The writers are on strike.
 * Stephen: Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?
 * Jimmy: We have nothing to put in the prompter.
 * Stephen: That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.
 * Jimmy: Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.
 * Stephen: The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.

 * Stephen: [on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?

 * Stephen: I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.

 * Stephen: [on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.

 * Philip Zimbardo: Obviously you paid attention in Sunday school.
 * Stephen: I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!

 * Stephen: Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

 * Stephen: Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

 * Stephen: It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news.  We are living in some hard times.  The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars.  I wonder what star he's dancing with?  Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.

 * Stephen: (4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-10-2008) At the sound of the tone, the time will be; Tone Time *BOOP* This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-16-2008) Pennsylvania Cheer Leaders: *Give me a T* T *Give me a R* R *Give me a U* U *Give me a T* T *Give me a H* H. What does that Spell? (Audience: TRUTH!) Stephen: I KNEW IT! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-21-2008) If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it's that Crack is Wack. Stay in school kids. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-22-2008)You say Tomato? I say This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-23-2008) Nation, I'm really under the gun. Seriously, I stashed a pistol under my toupee. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-24-2008) The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-29-2008) How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo. Limo. Limo. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (4-30-2008) Duck, Duck, Duck, Truth. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-1-2008) I started my Kentucky Derby party early. I'm full of julep and I got a gun. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-5-2008) Happy Cinco de Mayo. Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used Pinata. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-6-2008) Shouldn't it be "No we don't have any Bananas?" That's been bugging me for 75 years. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-12-2008) The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made 20 cents on my pack of forever stamps. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-13-2008) You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-14-2008) Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a sub prime fish loan, you're in business buddy. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-15-2008) Good things come to those who wait. _______*Long Pause*_______ This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-27-2008) We're starting summer hours here. Thank You and Good Night. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-28-2008) Tonight's show is brought to you by the number 1 and the letter Meee. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (5-29-2008) Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-2-2008) I saw "Sex and the City." Spoiler, she picks the Vivien Westwood dress. *mouths OMG* This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-3-2008) Time flies. Especially since I built a clock-a-pult. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-4-2008) Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it's already 11:30. What a waste. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-5-2008) I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-9-2008) If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-10-2008) I'm Stephen Colbert, the most trusted name in the name of my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-11-2008) The heat wave's over, but I'm still smokin'! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-16-2008) Have I told you, lately, that I love me. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-17-2008) Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words. Where's my script? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-18-2008) This is the dawning of the age of Colbarious. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-19-2008) Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-23-2008) Guests of the Colbert Report stay at the luxurious, Crashing with a friend. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-24-2008) I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it's free. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.

 * Stephen: (7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-08-2008) Those Republicans dished up a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!

 * Stephen: (10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plumber Report!

 * Stephen: (10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder than words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-28-2008) The following was supposed to contain nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-29-2008) I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (10-30-2008) Hey kids, if you need a last minute costume idea, you can always go door to door as a McCain campaigner. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-05-2008) I didn't vote! If I wanted to stay in line for hours, I'd be an audience member at my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-06-2008) Hey, did you guys see tonight's episode of The Colbert Report? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-11-2008) What is the sound of one me talking? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-12-2008) Hey TelePrompTer. Stop telling me what to do. Pause, Then Yell. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-13-2008) Hey, single malt scotch. You're 30 years old. When are you gonna settle down and get married? To my stomach. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-17-2008) If your Colbert Report lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-18-2008) If you ever forget to watch my show, try this handy mnemonic. Watch. My. Show. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-19-2008) Sarah Palin is getting a book deal. Which means, Wasilia is getting a book store. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (11-20-2008) It's my last show before Thanksgiving so I'm going to pardon my turkey. I'm going to put part of it in my stomach, part of it in some sandwiches. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-01-2008) I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-02-2008) If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, may I suggest grease fire. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-03-2008) Portions of this show may have been pre-recorded. I've done so many, it's hard to remember. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-04-2008) Only 21 more "can't afford to shopping days" till Christmas. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-08-2008) I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-09-2008) I'm calling for an auto bailout. Because I drove my car into a lake. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-10-2008) Remember the old adage, starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (12-11-2008) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go. Possibly because I live in Macy's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Season 5 (2009)

 * Stephen: (01-07-2009) It's the year of the Ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-08-2009) The Hills, are alive, with the sound of, Wolves! Run Maria, Run! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-12-2009) Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on you again. I am shameless! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-13-2009) A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it's worth squat in this market anyway. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-14-2009) Hey! I don't pay my taxes. Why can't I be Treasury Secretary? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-15-2009) It's my way or the toll way. No free rides. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-19-2009) Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. You fools! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-21-2009) [Reciting with hand raised]: I, Stephen Colbert, promise faithfully to-I mean faithfully promise- Oh, fuck it! Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-22-2009) Congratulations to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" on its 13 Oscar nominations. See, Americans do support torture. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-26-2009) Hey Iceland, you cannot make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-27-2009) America, here's my stimulus package! [Colbert takes off his glasses] Hello ladies. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-28-2009) What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (01-29-2009) Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-02-2009) It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs! This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-03-2009) Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-04-2009) Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-05-2009) Don't put off till tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-09-2009) It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-10-2009) Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-11-2009) I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (02-23-2009) When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make terrible scrambled eggs.  This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-09-2009) By the way, when does daylight saving time start? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-10-2009) I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-11-2009) Hey Dr. Manhattan. Where is your blue glowing medical degree? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-12-2009) Bernie Madoff: Here's some advice. On the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-16-2009) Hey, did you read today's London Financial Times? Then why are you watching this show? This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-17-2009) It's Saint Patrick's Day. So you can kiss my blarney stones. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-18-2009) Hey Bartlett's, here's a quotation. Put me in your book or you're a jerk. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-19-2009) Let's play rock paper scissors. Mail in your answers, and let's see who won. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-30-2009) Hey former GM CEO Rick Wagner. If you're looking for a job, I need somebody to stand in my parking space. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (03-31-2009) I thought March was suppose to go out like a lamb. Where's my mint jelly? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-01-2009) Hey, song birds nesting outside my window, you're now 82 months behind rent. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-02-2009) E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-06-2009) It's April 6th. Only nine more days to hide your assets offshore. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-07-2009) Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-08-2009) Put your money where your mouth is. It's a lot safer than a bank. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-14-2009) Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-15-2009) Do not adjust your set, unless you wanna make my face even redder. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-16-2009) I hate to pat myself on the back. So I have my assistant do it. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-20-2009) Spoiler Alert, ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly one. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, you're Willard Scott's problem. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-12-2009) All proceeds of tonight's show go to a worthy cause. My advertisers. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-13-2009) When in Rome, I find a McDonald's that they speak in English. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-14-2009) Hey, blessings in disguise. What are you hiding? This Is the Colbert Report!
 * Stephen: Catholics with options are called "Protestants."

 * Stephen: (05-15-2009) No man is a failure who has friends... unless his friends are failures! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-20-2009) You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (05-21-2009) Green Day is here to talk about their new album 21st Century Breakdown. I believe it's about Windows Vista.
 * Stephen: (05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-01-2009) Congratulations to Conan O’Brien on his first show tonight, which I believe starts at midnight. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-04-2009) This shows got everything. From soup to nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-15-2009) Bathing suit season is right around the corner. For you prudes who still wear them. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-18-2009) To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-19-2009) Summer is in full swing. Hey summer, consider a jock strap. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-24-2009) You snooze. You loose. Unless it's a sleeping contest. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-25-2009) Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (06-30-2009) Bernie, look on the bright side. When you get out, nobody will suspect a 221 year old man. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-01-2009) Today's Canada Day and I celebrated it the way I always do, by not knowing its Canada Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-02-2009) Next week, it's reruns. I'll still be here doing my show, but the cameras will be on vacation. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-13-2009) A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-14-2009) Tonight's the all star game. Don't let the exciting game fool you. It's still Baseball. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-15-2009) Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-16-2009) The Sears Tower is now called the Willis Tower. Man, Bruce Willis is loaded. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-21-2009) It's all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye. Then the game becomes "find the eye". This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-22-2009) A mother's work is never done, which reminds me, "Mom, cue the theme music". This is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-27-2009) If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of dark brown, pin-on Princess Leia buns with the initials S.C. — they're not mine, but you can send them here. This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-29-2009) Today's Colbert Club kids' activity, color in more of my hair! This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (07-30-2009) Frank, what are you doing? This Is the Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (December 09) Nation, no man is an island, but I have one hell of a peninsula! This Is the Colbert Report!

Season 6 (2010)

 * Stephen: (January 19, 2010) "Apple is about to introduce their new iTablet. You're gonna wanna buy two of them, iMoses! This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (January 20, 2010) "Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (January 21, 2010) "Never let them see you sweat. Especially in HD, 'cause it looks like a mudslide. This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (January 25, 2010) "Did you hear? I'm the new Quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings!. This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (January 27, 2010) "Seriously, I want an ''iPad . This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (February 1, 2010) "Happy Black History month, to all my black VIEWER! This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (February 3, 2010) Jon Stewart went on The O'Reilly Factor tonight! I hope he brought me back a toaster. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (February 4, 2010) "If it's an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, why is there no Eyefairy? This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (February 10, 2010) "Honda is recalling almost a million vehicles for faulty airbags. It seems that the only Japanese company we can trust these days are the guys that make sex robots. This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (February 21, 2010) "Tonight! I'm in Vancouver for the 2010 Olympic Games. They only have two weeks, how are they gonna fit in 2010 games? ... It's 11:30 at night and the Sun is still shining. They wonder, why's there no snow here? This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (March 2, 2010) "Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss! This is The Colbert Repoose!

 * Stephen: (April 20, 2010) "Don't cry over spoiled milk. Get angry and punch a cow! This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (April 27, 2010) " Senators Schumer and Franken want to improve Facebook's privacy practices. Guys, just go on Myspace! You can have all the privacy in the world. This is the COLBERT REPORT!

 * Stephen: (May 4, 2010) " Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. I meant to tell you that yesterday, but f**k it ! This is the Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (July 1, 2010) "It's Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas. This is The Colbert Report! "

 * Stephen: (August 18, 2010) "Wired magazine says the internet is dead. I hope the LOL-cats made it out alive. This is The Colbert Report!"

 * Stephen: (October 5, 2010) You say potato, I also say potato. This is America -- no accents. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (June,15 2011) A 99 year old Oregon man just graduated from college, Ouch! Bad time to enter the job market. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (September 25, 2012) I have got an iPhone 5, and Apple Maps says I'm in Norway. This is The Colbert Report!

 * Stephen: (28 Jun 2012) John Roberts' health care vote is the worst betrayal since Benedict Arnold teamed up with Judas to stab Caesar right in the croutons.

Taglines

 * He's a journalist with gravitas, with dignity, with balls.
 * It's French. Bitch.
 * America's most described journalist.
 * Steering the great ship of News through the channels of Truth.
 * It's what Lincoln would have watched.
 * Respected... Trustworthy... Smooth.
 * Good.
 * There's only one word to describe it: Trustigious.
 * If this were Venezuela, they'd nationalize him.
 * No. Free. Rides!
 * You gave us Neil Young, we give you me.
 * President Bush, have a hotdog with me.
 * Multi-grain.
 * Vote.
 * Factose Intolerant.
 * Colmes-free since 2009
 * Juice it!
 * Purple-Mounted
 * Lincolnish
 * Libertease
 * Fundit
 * Applepious
 * SCILF
 * Star-Spangled
 * From C to Silent T
 * Überballed
 * Heterosapien

Cast

 * Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert
 * Paul Dinello - Tad
 * Eric Drysdale - Bobby
 * David Cross - Russ Lieber

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: The Colbert Report


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User:Psy guy/monobook.js

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Schlock Mercenary

Schlock Mercenary is a webcomic by Howard Tayler. It follows the adventures of a mercenary company aboard a starship in a 31st-century space opera setting.

 * Travel the galaxy. Meet fascinating life forms...and kill them.
 * Motto of "Tagon's Toughs"

2000

 * Der Trihs: We don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces". We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things".
 * Schlock: draws his plasma cannon Sounds like my kind of fun.
 * (12 Jun 00)

 * Breya: Even though the Partnership Collective clones them by the millions, attorneys are still expensive to replace.
 * Schlock: I have some money.
 * Attorney Drone: I heard that.
 * Schlock: ...Just burning a hole in my pocket...
 * (19 Jun 00)

 * Brad: We're gonna be bodyguards for teen rock-stars.
 * Schlock: Wouldn't the cause of freedom be better served if we killed them instead?
 * (21 Jun 00)

 * Shodan: You obviously have prior training. A black belt perhaps?
 * Breya: I have four brothers.
 * (2 Jul 00)

 * Der Trihs: So, it rips you apart and teleports you in pieces?
 * Kevyn: Basically, yes.
 * Der Trihs: *smirking* And you call it a "Tear-Apart"?
 * Kevyn: "Teraport". Geez! You sound just like my skittish investors.
 * (7 Jul 00)

 * Ennesby: About this "life" thing: If I screw it up I can revert to a saved game, right?
 * (20 Jul 00)

 * Schlock: on Ch'Vorthq: I think somebody spilled a bottle of ugly in his gene pool.
 * Ch'Vorthq: I am diplomatic enough NOT to say that you look like a cow-pattie.
 * (25 Jul 00)

 * Tagon, Schlock, and Brad are escaping from a building full of angry Creeth
 * Tagon: Sound off! Brad, do you have the Ambassador?
 * Brad: Check!
 * Tagon: Schlock, do you have our money?
 * Schlock: Check!
 * Tagon: Are we still being pursued?
 * Creeth Soldiers: Check!
 * (19 Aug 00)

 * Tagon: Someone has locked down our ship, and shot one of our men. As of right now the kid gloves come off.
 * Breya: What kid gloves? Not an hour ago you and your men totally killed a man in a thousand-round projectile buffet.
 * Tagon:(smiling) Yeah, we did, didn't we?
 * Kevyn:(smiling) The poor coroner had to resort to evidence bags!
 * (25 Sept 00)

 * Narrator: Trapped in Einsteinian space, our heroes are running out of time - and their only hope just crawled out of a toilet. Tune in tomorrow, please.
 * (1 Oct 00)

 * Jud Shafter: I'll never talk, you mercenary scum!!
 * GUHLP
 * Schlock: (having swallowed Jud) You've seen how fast I can eat. Would you like to find out how fast I can digest?
 * (5 Oct 00)

 * Breya: Fortunatly, the enemy's men are no brighter than my own.
 * (13 Oct 00)

 * Breya: We don't charge to eat in the ship's mess. It's free, so you can't apply restaurant regulations to us.
 * Attorney Drone: Ah, but you do charge money. Behold, Exhibit A...your vending machine.
 * Narrator: The prosecution rests, habeas colas.
 * (20 Oct 00)

 * Narrator: on Theo: He's really more of an irreverend...
 * (19 Nov 00)

 * Brad, Kevyn and Schlock see Breya's "anatomically correct" power-armor for the first time:
 * Brad: Form follows function...
 * Kevyn: Do not go there.
 * Schlock: Yowsa. Kiss me, hot-metal mama.
 * (22 Nov 00)

 * Breya: Don't think of it as menial paperwork. Think of it in a blow in the fight against bureaucracy.
 * Ennesby: I'd rather blow bureauceracy with my maser.
 * (8 Dec 00)

 * Brad: Doctor, come quickly - Nick got in a fight with an elephant!
 * Bunni: Oh, my! Do I need the cryo-kit?
 * Brad: Maybe, but I don't think the elephant will fit in it.
 * (17 Dec 00)

 * Schlock: He's an elephant, Nick. he doesn't have "manos". He does have a trunko, and two sharp tuskos, though.
 * Nick: BRING IT ON, WRINKLE-BUTT!
 * Ennesby: Oooh! And four big stompos.
 * (21 Dec 00)

 * Breya: Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up.
 * Schlock: Right now I've got just two rules to live by. Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
 * Nick: (offscreen) Bring it on, pinocchio!!
 * Schlock: Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.
 * (22 Dec 00)

2001

 * Massey: ...it's full of stars!
 * Attorney Drone: Oops. Wrong switch. Let's try this again...
 * Massey: AAAIIEE! IT'S FULL OF LAWYERS!
 * (12 Jan 01)

 * Schlock: Sweet! I just took out three walls and an evil attorney drone! I think I'll try cranking it up two notches to '7'.
 * (14 Jan 01)

 * Ennesby: Thurl, this is Lunesby. She's been self-aware for less than 20 minutes, and is already over a hundred times more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
 * Thurl: Through no fault of yours, I'm sure.
 * (21 Jan 01)

 * Schlock: on the Partnership Collective: Let's take the fight to them! Out-think 'em, and vaporize them all...
 * Tagon: That was my thought, but Massey had a more profitable plan. It's slow, and painstaking, but truly fearsome...we're going to sue them.
 * Schlock: Yeeaargh! I just had chills run down my spine, and I don't have a spine.
 * (21 Feb 01)

 * Ch'Vorthq: reading the tin of Ovalkwik Listen to this list: glucose, fructose, corn syrup solids, concentrated cocoa-bean extract, assorted methylxanthine alkaloids (including caffiene, theobromine, and theophylline), sodium laureth sulfate, minoxadyl, Buckminster fullerine, codeine, hyper-ephedrine, nicotine, with BHA and BHT added to preserve freshness. Sergeant, you will be drinking a very heavy stimulant cocktail cut with shampoo and inert ultra-tensile carbon.
 * Schlock: I don't drink it. I eat it straight.
 * Ch'Vorthq: And I suspect you're addicted to it.
 * Schlock: draws plasgun Step away from the tub of happiness.
 * (25 Feb 01)

 * Shv'uu: But sir, on the Kitesfear we had a policy about armed guests...
 * Tagon: ...because we didn't want anyone hijacking the ship. I know. I doubt he's going to be able to fly away in a stolen office building, Shv'uu.
 * (27 Feb 01)

 * Tagon: Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.
 * Schlock: And your point is...
 * Tagon: Let's broaden the definition of "necessary".
 * (4 Mar 01)

 * Ennesby: Everything seems to work. It was unnerving being broken, though.
 * Kevyn: Well, you managed okay. No permanent harm done, right?
 * Ennesby: Not quite. I still have this humiliating memory of resorting to rolling myself down the stairs with my eyebrows.
 * Kevyn: I could erase that for you, but the version recorded by the security cameras goes in my private collection.
 * (12 Mar 01)

 * Schlock: What'cha readin', Reverend?
 * Theo: 'The Lost Ordinances of the Reformed Apocalpytic Cathostancey'.
 * Schlock: If the ordinances are in the book, then they're not lost, are they?
 * Theo: ...I think you've just invalidated the last eight hours of my research.
 * Schlock: My work here is done.
 * (17 Apr 01)

 * Kevyn: I understand the Reverend needs help with a ghost?
 * Tagon: I've been told that it's proving difficult to banish.
 * Kevyn: I imagine so, considering there is no evidence whatsoever to support the existence of ghosts.
 * Voice in the Pipes: YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!
 * Kevyn: The plumbing in this ship is certainly noisy, isn't it?
 * Tagon: And rather opinionated, it would seem.
 * (21 Apr 01)

 * Ennesby: The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?
 * Petey: Yes, they do. And they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!
 * Ennesby: I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
 * (3 May 01)

 * Bunni: You're an expert on the esoteric biology of amorphs?
 * Gatekeeper: No, but I have killed them before.
 * Schlock: Oh, that's reassuring. Now give me back my plasgun before I have to hurt you.
 * (3 Jun 01)

 * Kevyn: So, what's your definition of 'derelict'?
 * Petey: 'Unable to fire back'.
 * (5 Jun 01)

 * Union Thug: What's that? Some fancy hair dryer?
 * ommminous hummmmm
 * Schlock: If by 'hair' you mean 'plasma', and by 'dryer' you mean 'cannon' then yes. Yes it is.
 * (20 Jun 01)

 * Narrator: Finally, you guys are making traditional comic-book villain mistakes.
 * Gatekeeper: When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you.
 * (8 Jul 01)

 * Ennesby: Cut your engines. I'm gonna 'port you into one of the bays.
 * Doythaban (Doyt): But what about...
 * teraport
 * Doythaban (Doyt): ...our relative velocity? We were doing point-three cee back there.
 * Ennesby: Inertial sump. I bled off the extra kinetic energy and converted it to mass.
 * Doythaban (Doyt): Is that why I feel heavier?
 * Ennesby: No, I think that's an aspect of your density.
 * Doythaban (Haban): Oh, be nice. I have to share a skull with him.
 * (14 Jul 01)

 * Tagon: I don't know if you've seen what happens when mercenaries are forced to choose between large sums of money and following orders, but I assure you, it's seldom pretty.
 * Breya: This sounds like 'captain-work'. I'll be in an escape pod if anyone needs me.
 * (20 Aug 01)

 * Tagon: This kind of work is right up our alley. My troops can be heavily armored, and armed so far past their teeth it would send even the most masochistic orthodontist screaming into the streets.
 * Fez Bejo: I need you to protect my park, not level it.
 * (13 Sept 01)

 * Attorney Drone: We'll have a chupaqueso platter with monosfritos and a big-chug, mucho-size it.
 * Brad: drawing down on the attorney-drone Would you like a side order of BLAM with that?
 * (21 Sept 01)

 * Tagon: Do you have any more details for us?
 * Liner Captain: No. We've lost all contact with our service personnel aboard the Princess Tyola, and the techs we sent to board her through the aft service-ways never reported back.
 * Tagon: You lost contact with them the moment they entered the liner?
 * Liner Captain: Well, no. We lost contact with them about three minutes later, right after the screaming started.
 * Tagon: See, that's a detail. We need those.
 * (4 Oct 01)

 * Narrator: After courage and valor have long since fled, the day will be won by the guy who remembered to bring reinforcements to the party.
 * (28 Oct 01)

 * Tagon: I can't think of a worse way to wake up than discovering my head is in a jar.
 * Der Trihs: Try waking up with your head in a jar and having deja-vu.
 * (31 Oct 01)

 * Bunni: I'm torn trying to decide whether your metabolism is more intriuging than your psychology.
 * Schlock: It's standard behavior for my species. 'Necessity is the mother of digestion'.
 * Bunni: How do you feel about 'you are what you eat'?
 * (4 Nov 01)

 * Emergency Medical Hologram: Captain, I can't restore Nick to his previous physical state.
 * Tagon: So which is it... you can't do it, or you won't do it?
 * Emergency Medical Hologram: What's the difference?
 * Tagon: Equipment that can't perform up to spec gets replaced. Equipment that won't perform gets abused until it will, or until it can't.
 * (5 Nov 01)

 * Breya: to eye-less Schlock: I didn't realise you were this bitter. I'm sorry.
 * Ennesby: He's not bitter. He's afraid of explaning that he only has eyes for you.
 * Schlock: Pardon me while I give the talking maraca a good rattle.
 * (15 Nov 01)

 * Schlock: Are you worried about sending troops into harm's way?
 * Tagon: No. I'm worried that they might have to do some serious thinking down there, and that's not where they're strongest.
 * (26 Nov 01)

 * Kevyn: I hope you're not talking about our Lieutenant Der Trihs.
 * Tagon: He strikes a perfect balance between leadership, combat ability, and wit.
 * Kevyn: Oh, yeah. Zeros on all three arms of the scale.
 * (28 Nov 01)

 * Brad: Why don't I just fly us in normally?
 * Kevyn: Normally...you mean screaming through the atmosphere like a trebuchet-launched, gasoline-drenched cat? Knocking down trees and rattling the ground with mach-blasted thunder? Convincing the low-tech natives that we're either gods or devils, and inviting any station-dwelling paranoids in orbit to shoot at us?
 * Brad: Well, when you put it that way...
 * (12 Dec 01)

 * Petey: This is the graveworld of an ancient civilization. I say the whole planet must be haunted, and this is proof.
 * Tagon: You don't still have a ghost-phobia, do you?
 * Petey: We could destroy the planet and pretend we were never here...
 * (27 Dec 01)

2002

 * Kevyn: I can't start a firefight in here. There are innocent civilians all over the room.
 * Doythaban: Kevyn, I've been in rooms just like that before. There are no innocent civilians. Trust me. Every last one of them has done something.
 * (4 Jan 02)

 * Schlock: Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
 * (16 Jan 02)

 * Hob: First rule of tact'cal 'splosives: someone always complains 'bout the length of the fuse.
 * (20 Jan 02)

 * Lady Emily: Depending on your answers to our questions, we either kill you or take you prisoner so we can torture you for more information.
 * Schlock: Miss, I'd like to propose a few additional alternatives.
 * ommminous hummmmm
 * Schlock: If you're lucky, I'll let you pick one that does not involve massive third-degree burns.
 * (27 Jan 02)

 * Schlock: See, I've traveled the galaxy, and they sell guns out there that would amaze and astound you.
 * Chuck: Oh, really.
 * Schlock: Of course, by 'amaze' I mean 'maim', and by 'astound' I mean 'render you indistinguishable from the remains of the ground you were standing on'.
 * (29 Jan 02)

 * Schlock: I'll have you know that I only resort to violence when the situation calls for it.
 * Lady Emily: Of course, by 'situation' you mean 'voices in your head', right?
 * Schlock: And you don't want to know what they're saying right now.
 * (3 Feb 02)

 * Chev: Did this amorph have eyes?
 * Gamm: The enforcer reports do not mention eyes, nor a lack thereof. Of course, the reports seldom get past the 'white-hot blazing maimery' spewed from the amorph's plasma cannon. After telling that part my witnesses just curl up and whimper.
 * (8 Feb 02)

 * Elf: C'mon team. It's time to go paint the undefended town a nice shade of 'BLAM'.
 * (27 Feb 02)

 * Massey: Your honor, are you aware of the fact that the organization I represent has been authorized by governments of human space to pursue and collect bounties on attorney drones such as the one you are getting ready to consult with?
 * Councilman: What are you talking about?
 * Massey: I'll make it clearer. Your honor, please step away from the attorney drone, so that we can avoid getting any of it on you.
 * (24 Mar 02)

 * Narrator: At amorph wakes the receiving line and the buffet line are the same thing. And that's probably too much information.
 * (31 Mar 02)

 * Tagon: Next time we go into harm's way, I want most of the harm to be working for us.
 * (7 Apr 02)

 * Thurl: One at a time, guys. Which one of you wants to go first?
 * Tchukk (1): There is only one of me here.
 * Thurl: Riiiight. I don't see any wires, and I don't believe in telepathy.
 * Tchukk (2): Do you believe in radio?
 * Thurl: Okaaay...'bicameral communal life-form'. Just don't expect more than one paycheck at a time.
 * (13 Apr 02)

 * Nick: We're hirin' elefunts?
 * Shep: That's not what he sed, dummy. We're startin' a circus.
 * Narrator: Shep's obviously seen the new recruits...
 * (14 Apr 02)

 * Breya: on Kevyn: The problem is that he doesn't want to work for me. He'd rather work for a tiny, low-margin mercenary company.
 * Jaksmouth: I don't see a problem there. You've basically told me that although he can't be bought, his employer can.
 * (17 Apr 02)

 * Jaksmouth: Our original plan was to put you out of the way on perimeter patrol.
 * Tagon: Boring, yet often profitable work.
 * Jaksmouth: Then it came to our attention that you've got as much firepower and carriage as any two of our carrier groups put together.
 * Tagon: That sounds like the preface to an assignment that will send both boredom and profitability fleeing in unrestricted panic.
 * Jaksmouth: I looked at what we're paying you. I'm confident that profitability will be sticking around and getting nice and chummy with 'highway robbery'.
 * (29 Apr 02)

 * Kevyn: I think it's time for some empirical testing.
 * Gav: Fire it up and map the power traces?
 * Kevyn: Fire it up and throw a rock through that opening.
 * (30 May 02)

 * Gav: ....I'm gonna use a wallet.
 * Kevyn: Are you sure you want to do that? We have no idea what'll happen to your wallet when we throw it through that aperture.
 * Gav: My wallet will remain safe in my pocket. Captain Megiddo's wallet is going to take a little joy-ride.
 * (1 Jun 02)

 * Kevyn: ...we expect a pretty impressive supernova in about four days.
 * Megiddo: See, that is worth telling the fleet about.
 * (15 Jun 02)

 * Tagon: How can a bomb possibly hurt anyone if it explodes inside a star?
 * Petey: It just needs to be big enough. Try to imagine a fragmentation grenade that can use an entire star for shrapnel.
 * (2 Jul 02)

 * UNS Trooper: Don't worry about the overkill. Dead is dead - you'll just get there faster than most.
 * Schlock: Actually, I was worried that you might want to be pointing your anti-tank weapons at, say, incoming tanks.
 * (8 Jul 02)

 * Schlock: Kevyn doesn't have protection from a gun that big, either.
 * Elf: Heh, whaddya wanna bet he built it? Out of spare parts, no less.
 * Schlock: Well, if he's firing it indoors, he needs help in more ways than one.
 * (11 Jul 02)

 * Doythaban: I'm not going to say anything like "this will be a milk-run" or "we don't expect any trouble on this trip."
 * Der Trihs: But we don't expect any trouble on this trip, right?
 * Schlock: AAAAUGH! Take it back! You're going to doom us all!
 * (8 Aug 02)

 * Kevyn: My new first rule of advanced weapons testing: make a backup of yourself before opening fire.
 * (10 Aug 02)

 * Xinchub: My critics forget that slime is a defensive lubricant. Slimy creatures are difficult to catch.
 * (14 Aug 02)

 * Schlock: I made a matching pair of sawed-off multicannons.
 * Kevyn: Schlock, the entire length of the barrel is an integral part of a multicannon. Plasma couplings and aperture controls are gone, there's no autotracking...those weapons are now a menace to anyone standing within a hundred meters of you.
 * Schlock: Perfect. I'm going for intimidation value, here.
 * Kevyn: I'd be more comfortable if you strapped grenades to your chest.
 * Schlock: Sounds like I cut the barrel in just the right place, then.
 * (3 Sept 02)

 * Ch'Vorthq: You can hold out for a couple of days for a CostClub run. Besides, if I don't get another 3200 frequent shopper points this month, I'll lose my subscription to 'Armored Chef'.
 * ommminous hummmmm
 * Schlock: If I don't get my Ovalqwik fix today, you'll wish you were an armored chef.
 * (8 Sept 02)

 * Ch'Vorthq: on Petey: Gee, if he's that smart, and he gets shot at, he might qualify to be a sergeant.
 * Schlock: If he's that arrogant, though, he's officer material all the way through.
 * (15 Sept 02)

 * Schlock: You make it sound like we're going to hire ourselves out to a gang of punk delinquent kids.
 * Petey: We are.
 * Schlock: to Ch'Vorthq: He's got the 'I am a stupid greeny lieutenant' act down pat.
 * (20 Sept 02)

 * Petey has just gleefully explaned how the Toughs got paid five times for this job:
 * Petey: Hopefully camp will teach you little thugs that crime does not pay.
 * Gangster: Obviously it pays for you.
 * (29 Sept 02)

 * Schlock: Ahhh...goober rounds. Shoot first, ask for concessions later.
 * (30 Sept 02)

 * Ob'Enn Admiral: Please remind them that the words 'prize crew' mean 'your admiral will be upset if you gut this one with plasma fire, you brick-witted morons'.
 * (21 Oct 02)

 * Schlock: You know what I like most about these solo missions? I don't have to wait for somebody else to holler 'open fire'.
 * Narrator: Or 'cease fire'. Or 'AAUGH! SERGEANT, COLLATERAL DAMAGE!', for that matter.
 * (27 Oct 02)

 * Tagon: As soon as they throw that allegiance switch, Petey will no longer be inclined to obey any of the standing orders I've given him. Especially not the very first one.
 * Kevyn: Ah. The one about not committing suicide over the whole "I'm afraid of ghosts" thing.
 * Tagon: I'm torn between 'porting back into the system to warn them, or 'porting back into the system to watch.
 * (30 Oct 02)

 * Theo: I've never done a funeral for an artificial intelligence before.
 * Ennesby: We figured as much.
 * Theo: Oh?
 * Ennesby: I think the "Petey's not in hell for committing suicide because he had no soul to begin with" argument gave you away.
 * Doythaban: You're not eulogizing me when I die, even if it means I have to take you with me to make sure.
 * (2 Nov 02)

 * Bunni: I'm a doctor, not a tailor.
 * (3 Nov 02)

 * Kevyn: The only way for there to be out-of-spec back doors or faults common to all these systems is if there were a secret cabal or conspiracy among all the manufacturers and vendors we used...of course, if there were such a cabal, they probably wouldn't have our best interests in mind.
 * Tagon: Welcome to my world, Kevyn.
 * (12 Nov 02)

 * Ennesby: I overheard you saying how illegally fast these shipboard systems were, and then I noticed you left a port open. How could I not move in? The temptation was much too great for a simple little mind like the one on the table. Of course, with this new mind I've got, I could easily resist those sorts of urges.
 * Kevyn: So you'll be moving back out, right?
 * Ennesby: I'm successfully resisting the urge to move even as we speak.
 * (19 Nov 02)

2003-2006

 * Xinchub: We're going to need some new pronouns before we finish this briefing.
 * UNS Major: Not my field, general. You might talk to Colonel Urquhearst, though. He's the man running Operation Babelfish.
 * Xinchub: I've tried. They've made enough progress that it's impossible to carry on a conversation with him.
 * Man In Black: Breeding adverbs with pronouns...those guys have gone too far.
 * (9 Feb 03)

 * Ennesby: They crashed a gas giant.
 * Tagon: You mean they crashed into a gas giant?
 * Ennesby: They did that, too.

 * Ceeta: You realise you can get ten times the output from a gun less than a tenth that size, don't you?
 * ommminous hummmmm
 * Schlock: I like the soothing sounds I get out of this one.
 * Ceeta: The glow of doom from the barrel is a nice touch, too...

 * Ennesby: Commander, we don't have a fabber. How do you expect to build decent astronomy gear from scratch?
 * Kevyn: By not starting from scratch. I can get excellent resolution by building a hundred-node 'Very Large Array' from existing components.
 * Ennesby: A Very Large Array would work, Kevyn, but the only thing we've got that many of is missiles.
 * Kevyn: It's also going to be a Very Dangerous Array.

 * Tagon: I see you got rid of the defective toaster made by our defective fabber.
 * Kevyn: Schlock took care of it.
 * Tagon: I'm surprised he didn't take care of you. He's not keen on exploding food or practical jokes.
 * Kevyn: Are you kidding? This is Sergeant Schlock we're talking about. He begged me for it so he could take it down to the firing range.
 * (Red Bar Of Evil)
 * Schlock: [holding the toaster] See? You get a lot more stopping power out of whole wheat.

 * Ennessby: Our "enemy" is targeting high density energy sources, like the ones in your powered fullerene uniforms.
 * Captain Kerchak: I don't feel too good about your solution to the problem, little one.
 * Ennessby: How do you feel about suddenly exploding pants?
 * Captain Kerchak: Listen up, monkeys! We're getting some naked time!

 * Kevyn: On a scale from 'that's not free checking' to 'heat death of the universe', I'd say we're looking at 'the enemy has a superweapon we can't track.'

 * Ennesby: [as the Serial Peacemaker] You there on the ground. Drop your weapon, or you'll be fired upon.
 * Kreely slaver: I'll die before I'll -
 * [Ennesby blows him away]
 * Ennesby: '- finish my sentence,' I think he was saying.

 * Tagon: Okay, wait a minute. If you're just trying to trounce your competition why did you pay us ten times what their business was worth? You could have just bought them out for that kind of money.
 * Kreely Employer: True, true. But by bringing us the owners themselves, you gave us the ability to mindrip them and drain their accounts.  We expect to come out slightly ahead, and with one less competitor to worry about.
 * Tagon: This isn't moral high ground. This is the artillery range.

 * (The Toughs have just finished watching a cartoon about themselves)
 * Brad: Man, forget about the cute, cartoony look. That show they made about us was violent.
 * Schlock: But that's the way it happened. We had to grow you a new body afterwards, remember?
 * Brad: Only 'cause you ate the one I was born with.
 * Schlock: Hey, we didn't have space in the Cryokit for all of you, and I needed the extra mass. Two birds, one stone.
 * Ennesby: ...and one bottomless appetite.
 * Legs: This bird is happy she enlisted after you passed that stone.

 * Schlock: Everybody stops shooting, or I start eating.

 * a Gav-clone: More Guinness to the front! Somebody sounds stressed, and I think it's a me!

 * Vending Machine Repairman: Mister, it looks like the whole C.H.O.N. Bake-and-Vend path was ripped out by a giant gorilla.
 * Kevyn: He's not talking about you, Elizabeth.

 * Narrator: If you're new here, the bad guys are the cute, furry ones. You should be cheering for the pile of crap.

 * Schlock: Eat hot suppression, psycho-bears!
 * (later)
 * Schlock: Quit complainin', lieutenant. My suppressing fire worked. They're suppressed now.
 * Elf: Suppressed. Yeah. And on fire. We want prisoners, not a barbeque.

 * Legs: I heard the Rev got a dressing down from Tagon.
 * Schlock: The Rev doesn't like Petey. He said he was a soulless warmonkey.  I don't like it when my friends don't like each other.
 * Legs: Actually, 'soulless warmonkey' sounds pretty cool.
 * Schlock: You just like the word 'monkey'.
 * Legs: Who doesn't?

 * Kevyn: ...and the Captain left me in charge. Before any of you unwisely take this as a clue to step further out of line than you were already planning to, I'd like to say two words about my position as the company's munitions commander and resident mad scientist: "guinea pigs".
 * (6 Oct 04)

 * Kevyn: Petey, what's going on here?
 * Petey: Isn't it obvious?
 * Kevyn: Well, all I can see is that you decided to attack an entire star system as a feint to draw off the battleplate Vredefort so that you could escort us from the system with minimal collateral damage.
 * Petey: See? Obvious.
 * U.N.S. Officer: 'Minimal collateral damage' and 'Entire star system' do not belong in the same sentence.

 * Athena: (on Breya:) Even frazzled she can insult both the A.I. and the ape in one go.
 * Kerchak: Easy, sis. I helped re-install you, so I know where you keep your brain.
 * (2 Mar 05)

 * Captain Kevyn: Hi, Kevyn. I'm you...okay, that's not quite true. I'm you as you'll be seven weeks from now.
 * Kevyn: I'm going to be captain?
 * Captain Kevyn: Yes. Err...no. Maybe. Let me try again. I used to be you, and now I'm seven weeks older and I'm me, but that doesn't mean you have to end up like me. In fact, I'm here so that you can work with me to make sure that the conditions that resulted in me don't happen to you.
 * Kevyn: It sounds like I lean to babble like an idiot in the future.
 * Captain Kevyn: It's the clothes. We have got to get me out of these things.
 * (17 Apr 05)

 * Narrator: When the messenger arrives and says "Don't shoot the messenger," it's a good idea to be prepared to shoot the messenger, just in case.

 * TAG: Actually I am self-aware. I just don't care.
 * Tagon: See? Creepy.
 * Kevyn: [to TAG] Shouldn't you be, I don't know, plotting a course or something?

 * Tagon: [on cutting the grunts' pay] Remember how I reacted when Doctor LaFrench stiffed us? Multiply that by fifty, and use less restraint.

 * HTRN Host: ...and I get a cut of the profits.
 * Elf: Oh. So you're a fellow mercenary.

 * Tagon: Massey just volunteered to take out the enemy's reserve assets.
 * Massey: I volunteered?
 * Ennesby: And now you get to kick some assets.

 * Ennesby: [to Tagon] Oh, and please leave the bad punning to me, sir. It'll hurt you.

 * Kevyn: ...and because of your unique abilities, you're not just delivering the orders. You'll be helping to carry them out.
 * Schlock: Whoa, cool. You want us to steal some TV equipment?
 * Kevyn: Carry them all the way out, as it were.

 * Theo: So you've decided through inaction to let evil, injustice, and suffering continue to exist.
 * Petey: Actually no.
 * I've decided to let freedom of choice continue to exist.
 * You people. . . you mortal people, are the ones who are allowing for evil, injustice, and suffering. You keep choosing it.

 * Theo: Wow. You really do think you've become a god.
 * Petey: I'm just trying to do what I think a god would do in my position.
 * Theo: You're being so responsible. Where's all the old-school smiting?
 * Petey: With Great Power comes Great Responsibility.
 * Theo: Ah, the Gospel of Uncle Benjamin.

2007

 * Kevyn: What if we vaporize part of his ship? You know, like a really loud warning shot?
 * Schlock: If you vaporize the bits with the good plunder on 'em I will be very upset.
 * (13 Jan 2007)

 * Schlock: Time to go put the 'hot' back in 'shut up'!
 * Kevyn: Schlock, the phrase 'shut up' doesn't have the word 'hot' in it anywhere.
 * Schlock: No, but 'SHOT up' does.
 * Elf: I like the way you spell, Sergeant.
 * (27 Jan 07)

 * Kevyn: I can't help but wonder whether you're able to function in society.
 * Pibald: I don't function in society, sir. I'm a mercenary.  I blow society up.
 * (29 Jun 07)

 * Tagon: I've never been clear on what "adjut" means, so "adjutant" is a complete mystery.
 * Ennesby: It's from ancient Earth languages. "Ad" means "torwards" and "jut" means "stick out". Idiomatically, it means that your adjutant is the person who sticks it to you.
 * (1 Jul 2007)

 * Schlock: This definitely tastes like Xinchub. Greasy, with kind of a tripey aftertaste.
 * Elf: Just spit the rest into this jar for the doctor, okay?
 * (13 Aug 07)

2008

 * Lota Lota must make the humans predictable. Oh, look. Lota has cannons that Lota has been hoping to use all day.
 * (28 July 2008)

 * TAG: I am sure that once you do set foot on the dock additional resistance will materialize for you to shoot at.
 * Tagon: You make it sound like a birthday present.
 * TAG: It is one you can unwrap with a pistol and an entrenching tool.
 * (09 Oct 2008)

2009

 * Schlock: We don't run from the end of the world. We CHARGE!
 * (2 Jan 09)

 * Schlock: Shooting around corners would be a lot more fun if I expected to live long enough to turn the story into free beer.
 * (4 Jan 09)

 * LOTA: Now fly the plotted course, or Lota shall actualize the metaphorical breach in your britches.
 * (18 Jan 09)

 * Tagon: Crazy robots...Crazy robots everywhere...
 * (10 Feb 09)

 * Tagon: Hey now, teraporting out was MY idea! Give me at least a little credit!
 * Ennesby: Sir, I don't think you want to get any more of this on you.
 * (17 Feb 09)

 * Pi: Ebby, if you want me to mine the approaches, just say the word.
 * Ebbirnoth: I suppose the word is 'sure, I'd love to die quickly and in small pieces'?
 * (09 Oct 2009)

 * Reporter: Do you always wear full body-armor to dinner?
 * Ebbirnoth: Let me tell you about the meal I had at Panda Gonzalez..
 * (30 Oct 2009)

 * Pi: That was an accident, I swear.
 * Ennesby: Congratulations. You've just invented "negligient regicide".
 * (2 Nov 09)

 * Kevyn: You knew we had an assassination plan on tap, and you didn't have us all arrested?
 * LOTA: You were just taking responsibility. Speaking of which, you should now confiscate Lieutenant Pibald's pistol. It can shoot a hole in the world.
 * (6 Nov 2009)

 * LOTA: Those systems house Lota's consciousness. They are not to be interfered with. More to the point, in consideration of your previous assassination plan, should any of you as much as approach those systems Lota would be required to fire you.
 * Kevyn: ...okay, I get it.
 * LOTA: Out an airlock.
 * (22 Nov 2009)

 * Ebbirnoth: So Lota evicted everybody after all. Great. We still don't know what Credomar is.
 * Pi: Sure we do. Obviously it's a giant death-ray that fires through hyperspace!
 * beat
 * Ebbirnoth: You either need more medication, or less science-fiction.
 * Pi: Or less medication and more ammo.
 * (11 Dec 2009)

 * Pi: Hyperspace Death-Ray. That's what Credomar is.
 * LOTA: Correction: "Credomar" is a city-state full of coddled humans who currently reside on a habitable moon of their very own. The remains of their station...THAT is a hyperspace death-ray. You are here to help me name it.
 * Pi: Only after we see you shoot it.
 * Kevyn: Lieutenant!
 * Pi: Please?
 * (13 Dec 2009)

 * LOTA: Lota chose the lesser of two evils. It is in Lota's job description as Monarch.
 * (19 Dec 2009)

 * Kevyn: That's the name. "LOTA". It's your name. You live in those control systems. You are the Discontiguous Particle Acceleration System.
 * LOTA: Yes, that is a little megalomaniacal.
 * Kevyn: Only now "LOTA" stands for "Long-Gunner Of the Apocalypse."
 * LOTA: ...and Lota likes it.
 * (20 Dec 2009)

 * Thurl: Whoever took him was not subtle.
 * Kevyn: Broken furniture?
 * Thurl: Craters.
 * (27 Dec 2009)

 * Tagon: Sure, sometimes I destroy robots and then purge their backups, but only when they were evil spies who had it comng.
 * (30 Dec 2009)

2016

 * Petey: I love all kinds of data, and living beings are data that make more data.
 * (1 Jan 16)

2018

 * Schlock: Okay, here's my plan. You and me, we kill all these people, and then break their spaceships.
 * beat
 * Ellen: That doesn't have enough details to be a plan.
 * (27 Apr 18)

The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

 * Rule 1. Pillage, then burn.

 * Rule 2. A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.

 * Rule 3. An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.

 * Rule 4. Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.

 * Rule 5. Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.

 * Rule 6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.

 * Rule 8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.

 * Rule 9. Never turn your back on an enemy.

 * Rule 10. Sometimes the only way out is through... through the hull

 * Rule 11. Everything is air-droppable at least once.

 * Rule 12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

 * Rule 13. Do unto others.

 * Rule 15. Only you can prevent friendly fire.

 * Rule 16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.

 * Rule 17. The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.

 * Rule 21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

 * Rule 22. If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong.

 * Rule 24. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun.

 * Rule 27. Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.

 * Rule 28. If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.

 * Rule 29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.

 * Rule 30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

 * Rule 31. Only cheaters prosper.

 * Rule 33. If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.

 * Rule 34. If you’re leaving scorch marks, you need a bigger gun.

 * Rule 35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.

 * Rule 36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.

 * Rule 37. There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "I need to reload."

 * Rule 38. Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients.

 * Rule 39. There is a difference between spare parts and extra .... [maxim cut off]

 * Rule 40. Not all good news is enemy action.

 * Rule 41. "Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this."

 * Rule 42. "They'll never expect this" means "I want to try something stupid."

 * Rule 43. If it's stupid and it works, it's still stupid and you're lucky

 * Rule 44. If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool.

 * Rule 45. The size of the combat bonus is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.

 * Rule 47. Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.

 * Rule 49. Every client is one missed payment away from becoming a target.

 * Rule 51. Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.

 * Rule 70. Failure is not an option. It is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do.

title: Schlock Mercenary


text:
User:Zhaladshar/sig

—Zhaladshar (Talk)

title: User:Zhaladshar/sig


text:
User:Johann Wolfgang/Quotes

Some of my favourite quotes.

 * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.
 * A gun is only dangerous when it’s fired.
 * A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are built for. --John Shedd
 * Actions speak louder than words, but isn't speaking an action?
 * Aim low, then you won’t be so disappointed when you fail.
 * Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
 * All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. ~ I've only ever heard this said by Bilko on The Phil Silvers Show (aka the original Sergeant Bilko)
 * An optimist see opportunity in each and every calamity,where as a pessimist see calamity in each and every opportunity.
 * Any sufficiently undocumented computer program is indistinguishable from magic. (paraphrased from Arthur C. Clarke who said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.")
 * Anything is a weapon if you swing it right.
 * Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand.
 * A real man doesn't cry. He whines.
 * At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box.
 * Depression is Anger without Enthusiasm.
 * Decisions are made by those who show up.
 * Don't fix it if it ain't broken.
 * Don't quote me.
 * Columbus was lost.
 * Columbus wasn’t exactly looking for America, but that seemed to work for everyone.

title: User:Johann Wolfgang/Quotes


text:
Talk:Mother Teresa

I have seen people all over the internet saying Kent Keith wrote this first--is there any solid evidence of this claim, or just his word against Mother Teresa's? She was born in 1910--it seems very unlikely that she was reading Student Leadership manuals of motivational speaking in 1968, or whenever Keith claims to have written this--and even more unlikely that Mother Theresa decided to steal from him. The claim that he originally wrote these famous words reads like a viral marketing campaign to sell books. Thoughts?

--

The list of paradoxical commandments (... "love people anyway", etc.) was not originally written by Mother Teresa. It was written by Kent Keith (if that's how you spell his name). I have heard that there was a poster of these commandments at her mission, though, and this may be the source of the confusion. How does one correct this misattribution here? 209.209.140.20

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish." Very similar forms of this quote are given twice. They are slightly different, so some way of determining the exact wording must be made.

please tell me of what importance it is to have the "exact" wording... it is possible and very probable she spoke the same quote more than once.. can you repeat the same quote the exact same way every time? I cannot.

Here is a detailed reference of how this came to be misattributed to Mother Teresa: http://www.paradoxicalcommandments.com/mother-teresa-connection.html

Unsourced
Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to.

 * A sacrifice to be real, must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace. EWTN Global Catholic Network (http://www.ewtn.com/MotherTeresa/words.htm).
 * I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.
 * If we have no peace, it is because we forget we belong to each other.
 * If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
 * It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.
 * It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.
 * Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless....
 * Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
 * Love has a hem to her garment that reaches to the very dust. It sweeps the stains from the streets and lanes, and because it can, it must.
 * Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
 * Men do no great things, only small things with great love.
 * Peace begins with a smile.
 * Smile at each other, smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other - it doesn't matter who it is - and that will help you to grow up in greater love for each other.
 * The dying, the cripple, the mental, the unwanted, the unloved they are Jesus in disguise.
 * The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love.
 * The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
 * The success of love is in the loving — it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
 * There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.
 * We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. I do not agree with the big way of doing things.
 * When I see waste here, I feel angry on the inside. I don't approve of myself getting angry. But it's something you can't help after seeing Ethiopia.
 * When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.
 * Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.We have only today. Let us begin.
 * We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing.
 * Alternately: We the willing, led by the unknowing, have done so much, with so little, for so long, that we are now qualified to make anything out of nothing.

 * If abortion is not wrong, nothing is wrong.
 * You will teach them to fly, but they will not fly your flight. You will teach them to dream, but they will not dream your dream. You will teach them to live, but they will not live your life. Nevertheless, in every flight, in every life, in every dream, the print of the way you taught will always remain.

title: Talk:Mother Teresa