text:
Talk:Steven Wright

I think a lot of these are misattributed. I know I've seen some of them attributed to Jack Handey. - 12.39.92.167 14:08, 16 January 2006 (UTC)

 * Agreed, the official wiki page talks about that as well. Do any of these have citations?  I don't see anything on his official site which talks about which ones are his.
 * ~ender 2006-08-01 20:12:MST
 * Yes - about half of them don't sound like his material. This is damaging to both Steven Wright and whoever the material actually belongs to.  Maybe the page should be reworked from scratch.
 * The one about attacking the world without war is Jack Handey. I didn't see any others, but I only read about half of them.  All of the others I either didn't recognize or they are actually Steven Wright's (most of them I recognized, and the rest sounded like him).  Again, that's about the first half of the page.

Cleaned up
I deleted some 50 quotes or so that were misattributed, according to this website. Sad, because a lot of them were pretty dumb... "The sky fell. Now what?" Come on, that's not Steven's quality. 70.91.178.185 23:08, 26 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Your deletions are much appreciated. The quotes should now be down to a mere 250 or so.  We're going to have to end up deleting a lot more besides in order to avoid potential copyright issues. If you have any suggestions on which remaining quotes could be trimmed, by all means let us know.  We would rather have people who are knowledgeable working on this than have to make reductions almost randomly.  - InvisibleSun 23:44, 26 October 2006 (UTC)

There are many viral joke lists with Steven's name at the top that this page is suffering from. I just made some deletions of the obvious problems. It may be good to put the quotes from established sources (his album, specials, etc.) into groups and then delete everything else. It's hard to know whether he actually said many of these jokes, but we can limit it to what we know he said. Richard 12:32, 4-2-2007

Misattribution - psychokinesis quote
"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."

See origin info this saying at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cultural_references_to_psychokinesis_and_telekinesis

Trimming notice
As part of the Copyright Cleanup Project, this article has been trimmed to a maximum of five quotes for a standup performance. Additional quotations could be added so long as an equal number are deleted. See Limits on quotations for guidelines. - InvisibleSun 02:55, 20 March 2009 (UTC)

"You can't have everything; where would you put it?"

As a point of interest here, it is difficult to see how "Thanks!" can be termed a catch-phrase. It's even shorter than the term catch-phrase itself. Maybe Wright should think of something longer to say and give his audience better value?

A catchphrase does not have guidelines. When I read Catch-Phrase I immediately thought of Thanks. A Catch Phrase is something that is often repeated and creates an association with the person saying it. As far as audience value. He gets laughs whenever he comes out and says it. I laugh thinking of the time I saw him perform.

Unsourced

 * "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
 * "I wonder what Jesus ever did for Santa on his birthday."
 * "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died."
 * "I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."
 * "Whenever I fill out an application and it says 'In case of an emergency notify...,' I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
 * "I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for $28."
 * "I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
 * "I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
 * "I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."
 * "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
 * "If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone's making a penny."
 * "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
 * "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
 * "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
 * "Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."
 * "They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I got rid of everything to see what I had."
 * "When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen...and replaced with exact replicas. I asked my roommate what happened and he said 'Who are you?' "
 * "I woke up and couldn't find my socks. So I called Information.  She they said they were behind the couch."
 * "Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
 * "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
 * "My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
 * "24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
 * "I went to a store that had a sign that said "Open 24 Hours" and it was closed...I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
 * "So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags. I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas, and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically."
 * "So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
 * "You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
 * I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him. He probably went there.  He seemed like a nice guy.
 * I'd like to do my imitation of bowling. (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that.  I didn't know how to word it.
 * "This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
 * "My uncle once told me when I was five, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"
 * "Last night I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible."
 * "I was driving along a road and saw a gas station with two signs on top of one another. "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So I hired myself. Made myself the boss. Took all the money and left"

How do you attribute these when you hear them on the radio? I heard some of these on Sirius' Raw Dog station just last night. Over the years, I've heard almost all of these at one time or another, either from TV appearances or on the radio. Most of these are widely known to be Steven Wright lines.

 * If you can provide details on the original clips where the quote was made, that's all that's required. Perhaps contacting Sirius' Raw Dog station? However, many such as the skylight quote can be sourced from this book published in 1996. Also available for loan here. But there is some evidence many of these quotes came from the eighties, or even earlier, and it also seems as if audio is the only media available for source.--Lmstearn (talk) 04:00, 15 November 2018 (UTC)

--R. S. Shaw (talk) 22:44, 22 April 2021 (UTC)
 * "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm". Sometimes given as "Depression is anger without enthusiasm".

Slashdot Tip of the Day
According to Slashdot's tip of the day the following quote can be attributed to Steven Wright
 * "I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."

Zellfaze (talk) 19:33, 21 October 2013 (UTC)

title: Talk:Steven Wright


text:
My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl (2005–2009) is an NBC sitcom about a man named Earl, who after winning $100,000 in the lottery (and nearly losing it after being struck by a car), sets out to right all of the wrongs he committed in his past in the quest for good karma, having been introduced to the concept by hearing Carson Daly discuss it on television.

Pilot

 * Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

 * Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Quit Smoking

 * Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

 * Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
 * Randy: How many have you seen?
 * Catalina: About five or so.

Randy's Touchdown

 * Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.
 * Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

 * Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

Faked His Own Death

 * Randy: Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

 * Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
 * Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
 * Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Teacher Earl

 * Joy: Look Earl, you can't teach her how to talk. I got kids to feed.
 * Earl: These are good people, Joy. I mean they have the right to learn whatever they want.
 * Joy: No they don't ! There's nothing in the Bible that says people have the right to learn stuff. I have read it !

Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine

 * RippanShelly Stoker: I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!

 * Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
 * Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

 * Candy Stoker: Thanks Earl. But won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg ?
 * Earl: Ah, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, and stick it back in.

 * Tim Stack: Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers Prettiest Pretty Princesses are... Joy Darville and cremated Mother Darville !

Stole Beer from a Golfer

 * Catalina: What exactly is a county fair ?
 * Randy: It's like Disneyland for poor people. They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats, bands you thought were dead... Last year, they had the world tallest midget. He was as tall as you Earl, remember ?
 * Earl: I think that might have been a scam, Randy.
 * Randy: I don't know. That was one tall midget.

 * Scott: I'm proving my love to you.
 * Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?
 * Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]
 * Black Guy: WE'RE NOT MOVING!

 * Earl: Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?
 * Tess: Uhh... I used my hand on a guy a little.
 * Earl: [a little high-pitched] Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

Joy's Wedding

 * Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

 * [Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]
 * Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]
 * Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!
 * Earl: Your moms? I didn't sleep with your moms, I slept with Joy!
 * Joy: You son of a bitch! I had this covered!

Cost Dad the Election

 * [Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]
 * Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?
 * [Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]
 * Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

 * Carl Hickey: I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.
 * [Airplane flies overhead]
 * Carl: But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!
 * [Applause]

White Lie Christmas

 * Randy: You know, feliz nobby blah.
 * Catalina: That means nothing.
 * Randy: To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

 * Randy: If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.
 * Earl: Randy, that's the cat.

Yes

Barn Burner

 * Joy: You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.
 * Catalina: Quiero agradecer a todo el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. [I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.]
 * Joy: Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak "maid".

 * Earl: It's gone!
 * Dodge: What's gone?
 * Earl: Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.
 * Dodge: You mean your "idiot list"?
 * Earl: Is that what your mom calls it?
 * Dodge: She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.
 * Earl Jr.: I know what it means.

O Karma, Where Art Thou?

 * Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?
 * Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

 * Xena: You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yesss!

Stole P's HD Cart

 * Earl: We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?

 * [Kenny hands in Ralph's typing]
 * Secretary: This appears to be all the swear words you know.
 * Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

Monkeys In Space

 * Earl: [drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
 * Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...
 * Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Something to Live For

 * Philo: [After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.
 * Catalina: I'm hot.
 * Philo: You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.
 * Randy: Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

The Professor

 * Randy: [on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!

Didn't Pay Taxes

 * [Randy throws a chocolate bar at Earl, it lands on the floor. Earl fights Randy for the other bar and it falls out his mouth.]
 * Earl: Mine's the one in the wrapper, Randy.

Dad's Car

 * Randy: So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on Mother's Day?
 * Catalina: My mother is dead.
 * Randy: Oh, I'm sorry.
 * Catalina: Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.

 * Billy Reed: You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up four fingers] Four.

Many years later...
 * Billy Reed: You scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You're scared I'll take another car off you? Huh? You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up five fingers] Five.

 * Earl: Mom, Dad hates me.
 * Kay Hickey: You know, hate is a strong word.
 * Carl Hickey: Kay, I remembered the combination, 3-14-89, it's the day Earl moved out.

Y2K

 * Earl: Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.
 * Donny: Maybe they're hiding.
 * Randy: Marco? Polo!
 * Joy: Were not in the damn pool, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!

 * Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
 * Donny: Give me your wife!
 * Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
 * Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
 * Earl: Donny!
 * Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
 * Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?
 * Donny: Yep!

Boogeyman

 * [Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]
 * Albie: [shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!
 * Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

 * Randy: Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

Bounty Hunter

 * Joy: She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.

Stole a Badge

 * Randy: It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

 * Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
 * Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.

BB

 * Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
 * Patty: That's a lie!
 * Prosecutor: Show the tape.
 * [patrol car dash cam begins to play]
 * Patty: [on the dash cam] Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?
 * Defense Attorney: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.

 * Randy: He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
 * Earl: Randy, baloney isn’t your favorite food, animal crackers are.
 * Randy: No, they’re my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Number One

 * Randy: If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

 * Joy: Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.
 * Patty: Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.

Very Bad Things

 * Randy: [singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...
 * Darnell: Randy, those aren't helium balloons.

 * Joy: What the hell are you doing?
 * Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.
 * Joy: My birthday's not till next week!
 * Darnell: That's the surprise.

Jump For Joy

 * Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

 * Judge Dierkes: Joy Turner.
 * Joy: [stands up] Yes, your highness?

Made A Lady Think I Was God

 * Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.

hey

Robbed a Stoner Blind

 * Woody: People who say "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

Born a Gamblin' Man

 * Earl: No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.

 * Earl: Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.

 * Kenny: What if you lose? You won't be able to wire her the money, and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel, and she will hate you forever, and what's worse, you'll hate yourself.
 * Earl: [narrating] When Kenny said those things, it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized something. Something kind of painful. Kenny's a loser!
 * Earl: I'm betting it all, you gotta stop thinking negative!

South Of The Border, Part Uno

 * [Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
 * Randy: [Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
 * Earl: [Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to—
 * [Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
 * Earl: [squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?

 * Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

Our "Cops" is On

 * Joy: Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
 * Earl: You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
 * Joy: You stole me a police car?
 * Earl: Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
 * Joy: I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
 * Earl: Shhhh... you had me at balls.

 * Joy: Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
 * Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
 * Joy: I'm not cheating on you!

Buried Treasure

 * Randy: I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!

 * Randy: Nerf sidewalks.
 * Darnell: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Foreign Exchange Student

 * Earl: [narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

 * Pierre: [to Earl, who called his bag a purse] You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.

Blow

 * Joy: I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?
 * Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

The Birthday Party

 * Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You’re a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don’t you mess around with me.
 * [Later]
 * Donnie: Ohh yeah you’re a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away — no, no, no.

Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy

 * [Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]
 * Earl: We could all walk through the mall together and pass one for a family, now eveyone's gonna stare. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
 * Randy: But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
 * Earl: Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.

Harassed a Reporter

 * Randy: Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.

 * Joy: As you can see I have a black son and a white son, but I don't see race so I can't tell which is which.

Two Balls, Two Strikes

 * Little Chubby: Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.
 * Earl: Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
 * Little Chubby: Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.

 * Earl: What do the doctors say?
 * Little Chubby: I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".
 * Earl: You can't argue with that logic.
 * Little Chubby: Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.

My Name is Inmate 28301-016

 * Glenn: I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar and, I don't know, mail it to the pope! With a salmon.

 * Glenn: I'm gonna find you! I will track you down and wear your pelt!

The Gangs of Camden County

 * Earl: Whoa! So. You guys are kissin'. What's that about?

Our Other "Cops" is On!

 * [A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]
 * Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?
 * Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
 * Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
 * Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
 * Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?
 * Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
 * Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
 * Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
 * Dancer: [Looks confused]
 * Catalina: I'm calling you fat.
 * Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!
 * Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
 * Catalina: See? He called you thick!
 * [The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
 * Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
 * Club Announcer: [V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!

 * [An inmate walks up to Randy]
 * Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
 * Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
 * [Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
 * Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
 * Inmate: Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
 * Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!

I Won't Die With A Little Help From My Friends

 * Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.

 * Joy: ...and third, you don't look this good without the Lord on your side!

Killerball

 * Earl: [narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
 * Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca.

Girl Earl

 * Earl: It was like some crazy cross between Rocky and Supermarket Sweep.

Sweet Johnny

 * Johnny: Woot! Sweet Johnny!

 * [Earl has discovered that his friend, Sweet Johnny is attempting suicide.]
 * Earl: Sweet Johnny, what are you doin'?
 * Sweet Johnny: Endin' it. If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass, I don't wanna go on.

Quit Your Snitchin

 * [Earl prepares to surprise Randy with a new car, and Catalina is showing it off]
 * Randy: I already had her... not great.
 * Catalina: Not me, jerk, the car!

Witch Lady

 * Stuart: If we have to kill anyone I say we kill the hooker.
 * Patty: Why me?
 * Stuart: Hookers die everyday. You're living off borrowed time.

 * Joy: I swear, sometimes it's like I married Jesus's nicer brother.

Bully

 * Wally: I don't care if that prize comes with a talking pet monkey. It's not worth turning myself into a pansy!
 * Earl: [narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.

Dodge's Dad

 * [The series' last lines]
 * Earl: Joy, was that the Halloween party where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy and broke his nose trying to run through the wall? I wore a skeleton costume to that party.
 * Joy: What? Earl, did you do me?
 * Earl: If anything, you did me. I was drunk. I don't remember anything after Fat Steve going through the wall.
 * Joy: Sweet Jesus!
 * Earl: I know! I'm Dodge's father!
 * Joy: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
 * Darnell: [reading the DNA results] We've got another problem.
 * Earl: What?
 * Darnell: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
 * Joy: What does that mean?
 * Darnell: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
 * Joy: Now, everybody just calm down.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: My Name Is Earl


text:
Talk:Dido

Image???

title: Talk:Dido


text:
Revilo P. Oliver

Dr. Revilo Pendleton Oliver (July 7, 1908 – August 20, 1994) was an American professor of classical philology, Spanish, and Italian at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, who wrote extensively for white supremacist causes. He briefly received national notoriety in the 1960s for an article following the John F. Kennedy assassination, suggesting that Lee Harvey Oswald was part of a Soviet conspiracy.

Quotes

 * It would be more proper to classify Islam as a Christian sect or group of sects, since the word ‘Christian’ properly designates all of the innumerable sects that attribute divinity to the Jesus who is the protagonist of the “New Testament,” although, of course, there is naturally great hostility between competing sects, each of which claims to represent the “true religion” and even tries to deny the term ‘Christian’ to all of its competitors in the salvation-business. It is true that Mahomet claimed to be the successor of the Jewish Jesus, whom he, like the Christians, regarded as not having been a christ in the strict sense of that word (i.e., a divinely appointed king to lead the Jews to dominion over the whole world), but as a Saviour who, like Zarathustra, could bestow a pleasant immortality on anyone, regardless of race, who believed the right dogmas while keeping his reason in abeyance.
 * "The Descent of Islam", National Vanguard magazine (January-February 2003)

 * With the exception of some early Christian sects that were exterminated when the Fathers of the Church wormed their way to power and could start killing their competitors, Christianity, during the greater part of its history, enforced celibacy and homosexuality on a fairly large part of our race, including some of its most intelligent members, through the priesthood and monasticism, and broke up families and family property by prohibiting marriages between even fairly distant relatives. Islam, on the other hand, ordained polygyny and encouraged Moslems to fill their harems, and engender children by women of all different races; that is why the Arabic stock was diluted and liquidated so much more quickly than our own.
 * "The Descent of Islam", National Vanguard magazine (January-February 2003)

1960s

 * Every campus, of course, also has its rabble of young "liberals," who are forever making a din as they "demonstrate" for "world peash," "snivel rights," and the like, and who, if we may judge from their appearance and their yammering, are as afraid of war as they are of soap. I am sure that every student here present fully understands the importance of staying on the good side of the young "intellectuals" -- I mean the windward side, of course.
 * "Can 'Liberals' be Educated?", speech (January 7, 1966) published in National Vanguard (July 8, 2005)

 * In 1945 I really believed that by the year 1952 no American could hear the name of Roosevelt without a shudder or utter it without a curse. You see; I was wrong. I was right about the inevitability of exposure. Like the bodies of the Polish officers who were butchered in Katyn Forest by the Bolsheviks (as we knew at the time), many of the Roosevelt regime's secret crimes were exposed to the light of day. The exposures were neither so rapid or so complete as I anticipated, but their aggregate is far more than should have been needed for the anticipated reaction. Only about 80 per cent of the secret of Pearl Harbor has thus far become known, but that 80 per cent should in itself be enough to nauseate a healthy man. Of course I do not know, and I may not even suspect, the full extent of the treason of that incredible administration. But I should guess that at least half of it has been disclosed in print somewhere: not necessarily in well-known sources, but in books and articles in various languages, including publications that the international conspiracy tries to keep from the public, and not necessarily in the form of direct testimony, but at least in the form of evidence from which any thinking man can draw the proper and inescapable deductions. The information is there for those who will seek it, and enough of it is fairly well known, fairly widely known, especially the Pearl Harbor story, to suggest to anyone seriously interested in the preservation of his country that he should learn more. But the reaction never occurred. And even today the commonly used six-cent postage stamp bears the bloated and sneering visage of the Great War Criminal, and one hears little protest from the public.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * This capacity for imitation is possessed by savages, at least by the more intelligent ones, and it has deceived us time after time. The British are as gullible as we are. Hundreds and hundreds of times, at least, they gave scholarships to Blacks from Basutoland or Kenya or Nigeria or one of their other possessions, and the result was almost always the same. With the money given him, the savage bought himself a good wardrobe, attended an English school, learned to play soccer, attended Oxford, wrote a charming essay on Wordsworth or on ancient law, copulated with half-witted English women who thought him "romantic" and themselves "broad-minded," and when he got tired of living on English generosity, went home to his tribe where he had a well-roasted baby served up to him as a delicacy of which he had been long deprived by the stupid prejudices of the stupid British.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * For centuries we have labored under the illusion that Western Christianity was something that could be exported, and only recent events have at last made it obvious to us how vain and futile have been the labors and zeal of devoted missionaries for five centuries. When Cortez and his small but valiant band of iron men conquered the empire of the Aztecs, he was immediately followed by a train of earnest and devoted missionaries, chiefly Franciscans, who began to preach the Christian gospel to the natives. And they soon sent back home, with innocent enthusiasm, glowing accounts of the conversions they had effected. You can feel their sincerity, their piety, their ardor, and their joy in the pages of Father Sagun, Father Torquemada, and many others. And for their sake I am glad that the poor Franciscans never suspected how small a part they had really played in the religious conversions that gave them such joy. Far more effective than their words and their book had been the Spanish cannon that had breached the Aztec defenses and the ruthless Spanish soldiers who had slain the Aztec priests at their altars and toppled the Aztec idols from the sacrificial pyramids. The Aztecs accepted Christianity as a cult, not because their hearts were touched by doctrines of love and mercy, but because Christianity was the religion of the White men whose bronze cannon and mail-clad warriors made them invincible.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)
 * A dream is by definition a series of sensations that occur in the brain when both our senses of perception and our powers of will and reason are in abeyance, so that we have no control over that flux of sensations. But it is, of course, a well-known phenomenon that when we dream that we are dreaming, the dream ends and we awaken. Then the conscious mind takes over and we are again responsible for our thoughts, and must face a day in which we must be responsible for our actions, which, by their wisdom or folly, may determine the rest of our lives. Our dreams may give expression, pleasant or painful, to our subconscious desires or fears. But in our waking hours we must, if we are rational, make our decisions on the basis of the most objective and cold-blooded estimates that we can make: estimates of the forces and tendencies in the world about us; estimates of the realities with which we must deal; remembering always that nothing is likely to happen just because we think it's good, or unlikely to happen just because we think it's evil.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * Some years ago, it was customary for fast-talking confidence men to find some chump with five or ten thousand dollars in cash and sell him the Brooklyn Bridge or the Holland Tunnel. And I hear that when the Pennsylvania Railroad began to demolish its station in New York City, someone bought it for $25,000 cash. Now the swindlers in all those cases are undoubtedly wicked men. They deserve exemplary punishment. But, you know, there must have been something wrong with the purchasers too. Much as we may sympathize with them, we shall have to agree, I think, that they were not overly bright.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * We now see that the gang of sleazy racketeers headed by John Dewey has attained its goal. We realize that the public schools have been for many years a vast brainwashing and brain-contaminating machine that has worked, on the whole, with great efficiency. It's a machine to which we send our children to have their minds filled with grotesque and debasing superstitions; to have their instincts of integrity and honor leached from their souls; to be incited to premature debauchery and perversion; to be imbued with thoughtless irresponsibility; and to be prepared for addiction to mind-destroying drugs and an existence below the animal level. The public schools have indeed been the most powerful single engine of subversion that our enemies have used upon us.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * Indeed, I greatly fear that for most of our people those implanted "humanitarian" hallucinations are so deep and inveterate that they can be broken, if at all, only by the terrible shock of physical suffering. And that they will surely receive.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

1970s

 * The struggle for existence in a universe we did not choose, and the burden of being a member of the only race which values objective, verifiable truth as an end in itself, makes us sometimes long for escape from reality -- in some cases through a literature of the fantastic, of marvelous dream worlds, of free-ranging fantasy. But we must not confuse that necessary escape with what is real. Permit me to suggest to the reader that it is a waste of his time and energy to play with fantasies that lack the literary and aesthetic charm of poetry and imaginative prose fiction.
 * "Orage and New Age Consciousness", private letter, February 1977, published on National Vanguard (October 25, 2005)

 * Talk about a "higher consciousness" superior to reason naturally comforts persons who find mental exertion painful, and notions about transcendental powers naturally console persons who do not have the courage or stamina to confront the realities of a universe that was not made for man. These ideas, in the form in which they are peddled by Uspenski and Orage, are derived from the early Hindu mystics of the Vedas and Upanishads. They did reach a state of exalted consciousness -- by the use of what they called soma, which, as R. G. Weston has shown, was simply the Amanita muscaria, a mushroom that has been for millennia a prime source of religiosity.
 * "Orage and New Age Consciousness", private letter, February 1977, published on National Vanguard (October 25, 2005)

1980s

 * Not long ago the head of what should be a strictly scientific department in one of the major universities commented on the odd (and ominous) phenomenon that persons who can claim to be scientists on the basis of the technical training that won them the degree of Ph.D. are now found certifying the authenticity of the painted rag that is called the "Turin Shroud" or adducing "scientific" arguments to support hoaxes about the "paranormal" or an antiquated religiosity. "You can hire a scientist [sic]," he said, "to prove anything." He did not adduce himself as proof of his generalization, but he did boast of his cleverness in confining his own research to areas in which the results would not perturb the Establishment or any vociferous gang of shyster-led fanatics. If such is indeed the status of science and scholarship in our darkling age, Send not to ask for whom the bell tolls.
 * "The Price of the Head", Instauration magazine (March 1980)

 * Experience has shown that the mass-armies of “democratic” states fight with greater zeal when they are animated by hatred and supported by a hate-crazed populace that fancies it is fighting a holy war. Lies have therefore become military equipment, a kind of mental logistics; but it is the essence of such propaganda that its spuriousness is known only to the persons who manufacture it. The model of such operations is the famous lie-factory managed by Lord Bryce during the First World War, in which a corps of expert technicians forged photographs, while expert liars, including Arnold Toynbee, concocted stories, of “atrocities,” to inspire the emotionally overwrought British with a fanatical hatred of the incredibly bestial Germans and with a noble Christian ardor to kill them.
 * "Revised Historiography", Liberty Bell magazine (April 1980)

 * History, in other words, is just a device to be used by well-paid boobherds to drive the American cattle in bovine content to their pastures or to the abattoir.
 * The Price of the Head, Instauration magazine (March 1980)

 * When conspiracies have governmental powers, they can usually cover up their guilt at the time and they often destroy evidence so thoroughly that later generations are left with a puzzle they can solve only partially or tentatively. We now know only that the assassination of Abraham Lincoln was arranged by a conspiracy for the dual purpose of eliminating a political figure who was no longer useful and of exciting fresh animosity against the Southerners who had been conquered, and whose country had been destroyed, in the unconscionable war of aggression of which he had been the ostensible leader; but, aside from a few hirelings, the only person whom we can positively identify as a member of the conspiracy is Stanton, who was the Secretary of War in Lincoln’s cabinet, arranged many of the practical details, and was able, after the event, to silence key witnesses, although we can only guess what it was they knew that made it necessary to have them judicially murdered. And Stanton seems to have been only a local manager for principals whose identity we can only surmise.
 * "Revised Historiography", Liberty Bell magazine (April 1980)

 * The great Jewish hoax about millions of God’s Chosen People whom the Germans supposedly exterminated seems to have been devised late in 1942, when it was claimed that in the autumn of that year the Germans had murdered two millions of the Holy Race in various ways. By 1943, the number had been increased to six million, and to keep up the progression, it was later increased to 40,000,000, which was seen to be so preposterous that it was reduced to 12,000,000, and at the end of the Crusade to Save the Soviet, the figure of six million was taken as the largest that could impose on the gullible goyim.
 * "Revised Historiography", Liberty Bell magazine (April 1980)

 * It is a truism, of course, that in “democratic” states the populace must be encouraged to imagine that it makes important decisions by voting, and must therefore be controlled by suitable propaganda, which implants ideas to which the voters respond as automatically as trained animals respond to words of command in a circus, thus leaving to the masses only a factitious choice between Tweedledum and Tweedledee on the basis of their preference for a certain kind of oratory, a hair-style, or a particular facial expression.
 * "Revised Historiography", Liberty Bell magazine (April 1980)

 * No one really believes in an eternal existence after death. The mind staggers before the concept of infinity in either time or space. Even the Hindus, who have calculated that the present age will end precisely, in terms of our calendar, on 17 February 428,898, when the universe (with all its gods except the Trinity) will perish in a cosmic conflagration, believe that the senior member of the Trinity, Brahman, will create another universe and yet another in a process that will continue for another 311,035,680,000,000 years, after which, they modestly admit, they do not know exactly what will happen, except that the creative force itself cannot perish with the total destruction of all things, including the supreme gods. Even they draw back before the horror of infinity!
 * "Afterthoughts on Afterlife", Instauration magazine (August 1980)

 * The most beautiful conception of immortality of which I know, and certainly one that by contrast shows the utter vulgarity of Christian ideas, is set forth in Pindar's second Olympian: after three or six lives in which a man has lived with strict justice and perfect integrity, he passes beyond the tower of Cronus to the fair realm that cannot be reached by land or sea, where gentle breezes from a placid ocean blow forever on the fields of asphodel. For a description, see Pindar. If the beauty of great poetry can commend a religion, here you have it.
 * "Afterthoughts on Afterlife", Instauration magazine (August 1980)

 * In the sixth century B.C., Gautama, an Aryan princeling on the northern frontier of India, formulated a bleakly pessimistic philosophy that markedly resembles Schopenhauer's. This high doctrine of negation, for reasons that would require an extensive historical explanation, became extremely popular, but was variously interpreted by at least eighteen rival schools, each of which claimed alone to preserve the true teaching of Gautama the Buddha, and Gautama's austere atheism was gradually contaminated and obscured by the usual theological techniques, so that a philosophy that was intended to supplant religion was converted into just another elaborate and learned superstition.
 * "On the Roof of the World", Liberty Bell magazine (December 1987)

 * Our idealists must own that their velleity to abolish all suffering is most fully expressed in the Fifth Wisdom of Lamaism, the doctrine that teaches that "no durable happiness, nor yet security, for any sentient being can exist while others are a prey to suffering." That truth cannot be questioned and you may take it to heart: in practical terms it means we got ourselves born on the wrong planet -- in the wrong universe.
 * "On the Roof of the World", Liberty Bell magazine (December 1987)

 * If our squawking pacifists were rational, they would perceive that war can be ended only by abolishing the several species of mammals called human; our spacecraft have shown us that Mars and Venus are perfectly warless worlds.
 * "On the Roof of the World", Liberty Bell magazine (December 1987)

 * As late as the summer of 1941, the Atlantic Monthly, then a still respected magazine for literates and edited by White men, published a long article by Albert Jay Nock, in which he proved that the Jews are an Oriental race that is incompatible with ours. He was not punished and the magazine was not destroyed, strange and almost incredible as that seems today.
 * "A World Grown Grey With Their Breath", Liberty Bell magazine (January 1988)

 * The decay of our culture since 1941 can be measured by the fact that academic historians today are no longer interested in historical truth or interested in it only marginally; what really interests them is jobs. They match the anthropologists and geneticists who, with practiced effrontery, can say that all races are equal and there is no difference between them. There are now 'scientists' who boast they are so versatile they can prove anything, for a suitable fee, while others abuse spectroscopes to prove that a painted rag is a 'Holy Shroud,' or use quantum mechanics to prove that the old Jew-god converted mud into Adam. 'Truth' is whatever pays the most. The academicians have conformed to what is now the American ethic. Whether any nation so decadent and depraved can or should survive is a question I am unwilling to consider.
 * "A World Grown Grey With Their Breath", Liberty Bell magazine (January 1988)

1990s

 * The link between Communism and traditional Christianity is so close that when Communists lose their faith, they usually and naturally flop over into Roman Catholicism. Whittaker Chambers was only the best known of the Marxists who, when disillusioned, reverted to an earlier form of his ruling superstition. Would-be atheists who do not become converted to the Marxist cult often retain in their minds the Christian residue that makes them susceptible to drivel about "all mankind," "One World," and the "humanitarian" sentimentality of do-gooders and similar pests--all of which find no confirmation in the facts of nature and the real world. There are even self-styled atheists who evidently think that the god in whom they do not believe stopped the biological evolution of anthropoids a hundred thousand years ago to make all talking species equal in some mysterious way that transcends the obvious and great difference between extant races in intelligence, character, and instincts, perhaps because the non-existing god equipped the several species with exactly equal souls.
 * "The Bear in the Bush", Liberty Bell (September 1990)

 * A really critical mind will not be content to remark the patent absurdity of the tales about supernatural beings and events in the "New Testament," but will go on to examine the purposes those tales were devised to serve. It requires no great critical acumen to perceive the appalling malice shown in Bolshevik promises that "the last shall be first"; the proletarian rancor of almost continual harping on the threat that rich men will be fried forever hereafter if they do not give all that they have to the poor and become paupers themselves; the frantic hatred of reason evinced by hostility to "the Greeks" who "seek after wisdom" and try to understand nature and the real world instead of drugging themselves with narcotic fantasies; the frightful malevolence of a god "who has made foolish the wisdom of this world" to profit a squalid and mindless rabble; and the hatred of all culture and civilization implicit in the election of illiterate boors as apostles and the insistence in the Drivel on the Mount on the need for bird-brains that "take no thought for the morrow" and, indeed, emulate the intellectual processes of vegetables.
 * "The Bear in the Bush", Liberty Bell (September 1990)

 * A real atheist, needless to say, will disregard what the dervishes think it expedient to say about the "New Testament" when they make their pitch to the ignorant. He will read the myths for himself and objectively consider and appraise them as a whole, including the social gospel that is, indeed, the most important and operative part of them. And he will shudder at the Judaic malevolence that inspires them, the vicious hatred of culture and civilization. They were designed to create a foul and squalid world in which every instinctive value of our race is negated and aborted--a world in which the natural ties of family and property have been severed, leaving only rootless and helpless individuals, isolated and lost in the terrible loneliness of crowds--a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason--a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture--a world without real love, the love that unites men and women, and without even the Aryan's instinctive feeling for the beauty of women and physical health.
 * "The Bear in the Bush", Liberty Bell (September 1990)

 * About three decades ago, when I needed to purchase some office equipment, chiefly steel filing cabinets, I was amused by a firm whose computer, having been informed that R.P. Oliver was the purchasing agent for R.P. Oliver, offered the former a secret "kick back" of 20% if he would buy their products at the expense of the latter. Another firm offered the purchasing agent a "complimentary" woman's mink jacket, which would be sent with his compliments to "any address," thus tactfully permitting him to choose between his wife and his doxy. That would have been good business, had the computers been operated by someone with intelligence enough to notice the odd coincidence between the name of the purchasing agent and the name of the owner to be exploited.
 * "Spiced Crambe", Liberty Bell magazine (March 1993)

 * Now I admit that the notion of a warless world is a pleasant and attractive thought. But people who believe that there can be such a thing should ask it of Santa Claus, in whom they doubtless also believe.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * This man, a veteran journalist, held a position of importance in one of the lie-factories operated by the Roosevelt regime to keep the boobs pepped up with enthusiasm for sending their sons or their husbands to a senseless slaughter. At one policy conference, this man objected to a proposed lie on the grounds that it was so absurd that it would destroy public confidence, with the result that Americans would soon cease to believe anything that the agency manufactured. There was a great deal of debate over that question in this policy conference until it was ended by the agency's great expert in such matters. He was a man who, by the way, for some reason or other, had left Germany a few years before and come to bless the United States with his presence. This expert, being a bit ruffled by the debate, finally took his elegant little cigar from his mouth and said decisively, "Ve spit in ze faces of the American schwine!" And that settled it. The master had spoken.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

 * For fifteen centuries the religion of the Western world has been Christianity, Western Christianity, and there is no other religion now known or even imaginable that could take its place. But it is simply an historical fact, which we must deplore but cannot change, that only a small part of our population today, 12 or 15 per cent., really believes that Christ was the son of God, that the soul is immortal, and that our sins will be punished in a future life. That means that the religious instinct, which is a part of our nature, finds in the majority of our people no satisfaction in an unquestioning faith; so that those frustrated instincts are available for exploitation by any halfway clever scoundrel, as the shysters and punks who now occupy the majority of our pulpits well know. When faith is lost, what Pareto calls the religious residue in a people becomes its most vulnerable point, its Achilles heel. It is the unsatisfied need for an unquestioning faith in a superior power.
 * "What We Owe Our Parasites", speech (June 1968); Free Speech magazine (October and November 1995)

The Jewish Strategy (2001)

 * Published posthumously:
 * In the first four centuries A.D. the world was full of Gnostics peddling special revelations, and, of course, Christ was only one of the Saviors: others were Baruch, Gamaliel, Tat (= the Egyptian god Toth), Seth (Egyptian god), Balaam, Ezechiel, Adam (whose books had just been discovered), Moses, Enoch, Marsanes, Nicotheus, Phosilampes, Mithra, Zoroaster, Zervan, et al., et al. In the early centuries of our era, the Near East was a Bedlam filled with the insane ravings of fakirs peddling their Saviors and their forged Gospels, and at this distance it is impossible to tell the difference between madmen, hallucinés who got visions of god from eating the sacred mushroom, Amanita muscaria, and shysters fleecing the yokels with mystic gabble. One cannot read much of the gibberish without feeling queasy and dizzy, but for a quick survey of the stuff that our holy men want to sweep under the rug, see Jean Doresse, Les livres secrets des Gnostiques d'Égypte, Paris, 1959, which surveys the books found at Chenoboskion a few years before. The one significant thing is that the peddlers of all forms of Gnosticism (including Christian cults before the Third Century) were almost all Jews. If you will look in your Scientific American for January 1973, pp. 80-87, you will note that the author has to admit that "it becomes increasingly evident that much of Gnosticism is probably of Jewish origin." He is naturally cautious, wary of offending God's Peculiar People. Although I admit that one cannot identify the race of some of the more prominent Salvation-hucksters, I think it significant that those whom one can identify racially always turn out to be Jews, and I would delete "much of" and "probably" in the author's statement.
 * The Jewish Strategy, Chapter 12 "Christianity"

 * There can be no question but that Christianity was originally a Jewish promotion, and it is noteworthy that the Christians who try to make their cult respectable in the Third Century claim that they repudiate the Jews. One of the earliest to do this was Tertullian, a Carthaginian shyster, whose Apologeticum, a defense of Christianity, was written at the very beginning of the Third Century. He asserts that Christianity is not a conspiracy of revolutionaries and degenerates, as was commonly believed, and claims that it is an association of loving brothers who have preserved the faith that the Jews forsook – which has been the common story ever since. Our holy men salvage Tertullian by claiming that he was "orthodox" in his early writings, but then, alas! became a Montanist heretic, poor fellow. Tertullian is the author of the famous dictum that he believes the impossible because it is absurd (credo quia absurdum), so he is naturally dear to the heart of the pious. How much Jerome and other saints have tampered with the facts to make Tertullian seem "orthodox" in his early works has been most fully shown by Timothy Barnes in his Tertullian (Oxford, 1971), but even he spends a hundred pages pawing over chronological difficulties that can be reconciled by what seems to me the simple and obvious solution: Tertullian, who was evidently a pettifogging lawyer before he got into the Gospel-business, had sense enough to eliminate from his brief for the Christians facts that would have displeased the pagans whom he was trying to convince that Christians represented no threat to civilized society; he accordingly concealed in his apologetic works the peculiar doctrines of the Christian sect to which he had been originally "converted," but he naturally expounded those doctrines in writings intended, not for the eyes of wicked pagans, but for other brands of Christians, whom he wished to convert to his own sect, which was that of Montanus, a very Holy Prophet (divinely inspired, of course) who was a Phrygian, not a Jew, and who had learned from chats with God that since the Jews had muffed their big opportunity at the time of the Crucifixion, Jesus, when he returned next year or the year after that, was going to set up his New Jerusalem in Phrygia after he had raised hell with the pagans and tormented and butchered them in all of the delightful ways so lovingly described in the Apocalypse, the Hymn of Hate that still soothes the souls of "fundamentalist" Christians today. If, in his Apologeticum and similar works, Tertullian had told the stupid pagans that they were going to be tortured and exterminated in a year or two, they might have doubted that Christians were the innocent little lambs that Tertullian claimed they were.
 * The Jewish Strategy, Chapter 12 "Christianity"

 * The first Christian who can write decent Latin is Minucius Felix, whose Octavius, written in the first half (possibly the first quarter) of the Third Century must have done much to make Christianity respectable. He concentrates on ridiculing pagan myths that no educated man believed anyway and on denying that Christians (he means his kind, of course!) practice incest (a favorite recreation of many sects that had been saved by Christ from the tyranny of human laws) or cut the throats of children to obtain blood for Holy Communion (as some groups undoubtedly did). He argues for a monotheism that is indistinguishable from the Stoic except that the One God is identified as the Christian deity, from whose worship the sinful Jews are apostates, and insists that Christians have nothing to do with the Jews, whom God is going to punish. What is interesting is that Minucius has nothing to say about any specifically Christian doctrine, and that the names of Jesus or Christ do not appear in his work. There is just one allusion: the pagans say that Christianity was founded by a felon (unnamed) who was crucified. That, says Minucius, is absurd: no criminal ever deserved, nor did a man of this world have the power, to be believed to be a god (erratis, qui putatis deum credi aut meruisse noxium aut potuisse terrenum). That ambiguous reference is all that he has to say about it; he turns at once to condemning the Egyptians for worshipping a mortal man, and then he argues that the sign of the cross represents (a) the mast and yard of a ship under sail, and (b) the position of man who is worshipping God properly, i.e. standing with outstretched arms. If Minucius is not merely trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the gullible pagans, it certainly sounds as though this Christian were denying the divinity of Christ, either regarding him, as did many of the early Christians, as man who was inspired but was not to be identified with God, or claiming, as did a number of later sects, that what appeared on earth and was crucified was merely a ghost, an insubstantial apparition sent by Christ, who himself prudently stayed in his heaven above the clouds and laughed at the fools who thought they could kill a phantom. Of course, our holy men are quite sure that he was "orthodox."
 * The Jewish Strategy, Chapter 12 "Christianity"

 * I emphatically call your attention to the obvious fact that the primitive Christian doctrine is a specific demand for the suicide of our race, which survived from the end of the Roman Empire to the present only because our ancestors, of fresh barbarian stock, simply ignored in practice a large part of the pernicious doctrine, especially in northern Europe under essentially aristocratic régimes. Until the disintegration of Protestantism made it possible for any ambitious tailor, clever confidence man, or disgruntled housewife to have "revelations" and pitch the woo at lower classes to make themselves important or fleece the suckers, the professional holy men either contented themselves with telling our people they were "sinful" or used the common devices of theologians to conceal the import of the holy book. (Even so, however, the Catholic dervishes are obviously responsible for the eventual dominance of mestizos in "Latin" America, and many similar misfortunes.)
 * The Jewish Strategy, Chapter 12 "Christianity"

 * The development of Christianity in all the sects of the Western world during the past two centuries has been the progressive elimination from all of them of the elements of our natively Aryan morality that were superimposed on the doctrine before and during the Middle Ages to make it acceptable to our race and so a religion that could not be exported as a whole to other races. With the progressive weakening of our racial instincts, all the cults have been restored to conformity with the "primitive" Christianity of the holy book, i.e., to the undiluted poison of the Jewish originals. I should, perhaps, have made it more explicit in my little book that the effective power of the alien cult is by no means confined to sects that affirm a belief in supernatural beings. As I have stressed in other writings, when the Christian myths became unbelievable, they left in the minds of even intelligent and educated men a residue, the detritus of the rejected mythology, in the form of superstitions about "all mankind," "human rights," and similar figments of the imagination that had gained currency only on the assumption that they had been decreed by an omnipotent deity, so that in practical terms we must regard as basically Christian and religious such irrational cults as Communism and the tangle of fancies that is called "Liberalism" and is the most widely accepted faith among our people today.
 * The Jewish Strategy, Chapter 12 "Christianity"

title: Revilo P. Oliver


text:
Primal Fear (film)

Primal Fear is a 1996 film about an altar boy who is accused of murdering a priest, and the truth is buried several layers deep.
 * Directed by Gregory Hoblit. Written by Steve Shagan and Ann Biderman, based on the novel by William Diehl.

Sooner or later a man who wears two faces forgets which one is real. taglines

Martin Vail

 * First thing I ask a new client is, "Have you been saving for a rainy day? Well, guess what? It's raining!"
 * Why gamble with money when you can gamble with people's lives? That was a joke. All right, I'll tell you. I believe in the notion that people are innocent until proven guilty. I believe in that notion because I choose to believe in the basic goodness of people. I choose to believe that not all crimes are committed by bad people. And I try to understand that some very, very good people do some very bad things.

Aaron Stampler/Roy

 * I got you now. You're the lawyer. You're his lawyer, ain't you? With your fancy suit. I heard about you. Well, my, my, you sure fucked this one up, counselor. Sounds to me like they're gonna shoot old Aaron so full of poison it'll come out his eyes!
 * He come crying to me like always, stuttering and whining. "I ca-can't take it no more, Roy. You g-got to help me". I said, "Shut your mouth, you little girl! Grow up. Be a man. Take care of yourself".

Others

 * Janet Venable: Do you know what I would do if someone did that to me? I would kill him—I wouldn't hesitate. I would stab him 78 times. I would chop off his fingers, slash his throat open, carve numbers in his chest, gouge out his eyes, I swear to God! But that's me.
 * Judge Miriam Shoat: You are making a mockery of my courtroom, and I'm not going to allow it. I suggest you start representing your client and stop representing yourself.

Dialogue

 * Martin: On my first day of law school, my professor says two things: First, 'From this day forward, when your mother tells you she loves you, get a second opinion'".
 * Jack Connerman: [chuckles] And?
 * Martin: "'If you want justice, go to a whorehouse. If you wanna get fucked, go to court'".

 * Martin: Yeah, I'm Martin Vail, from the Public Defender's office. I'm handling the Aaron Stampler case.
 * Cop: Hmm, the Butcher Boy.
 * Martin: Yes, thank you. I forgot his real name.

 * Martin: Come on... all you have to do is turn around.
 * Janet: I thought you liked it better like this. That way you don't have to look at the person.
 * Martin: You're mean. Look at me. Come on. Let's go find a bar you can still smoke in.
 * Janet: Thanks for the invite, but I don't like one-night stands all that much.
 * Martin: We saw each other for months.
 * Janet: It was a one-night stand, Marty. It just lasted six months.

 * John Shaughnessy: Listen to me, Marty—it's a mistake to stick your thumbs in the eyes of the most powerful people in the city.
 * Martin: I'm not aiming for their eyes.
 * John Shaughnessy: Don't fuck with me, Marty.

 * Janet: [arguing before the judge] Next thing you know, he'll be objecting to introducing the murder weapon into evidence!
 * Martin: Well, now that you bring it up...

 * Martin: [to Shaughnessy in court] It's confusing to me because I have document here from your office that says last year Michael O'Donnell spoke to the supervisor of that unit over a period of two weeks explaining to him - in graphic detail - of the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of Archbishop Rushman. Isn't it also true, Mr. State's attorney, that your "friend" Archbishop Rushman was not going to stand trial for any of it? He owed you big time. You must've been very pissed off when he pulled out of the South River construction deal. What happened? He finally said "I can't take it anymore" and you said "no". You and your investors had sixty millions reasons to kill him!
 * Janet: Objection!
 * Judge Miriam Shoat: Sustained! You're out of order, Mr. Vail!
 * Martin: [whispering under his breath] That's for Joey Pinero.
 * John Shaughnessy: [whispering to Vail] You son of a bitch!

 * Judge Miriam Shoat: [in her chambers] If you think you're going to my courtroom to wage personal vendettas and settle old scores, you are sorely mistaken! I'm striking Shaughnessy's testimony from the record as irrelevant and I'm holding you in contempt in the amount of ten thousand dollars!
 * Martin: So... what you're telling me is my client can't get a fair trial in your courtroom?
 * Judge Miriam Shoat: Be very careful what you say in here, Mr. Vail! You're on dangerous ground here!
 * Martin: Fine! Do you want me to make that check out to you judge?

 * Janet: No further questions, Your Honor.
 * Roy: Where the hell do you think you're goin'?
 * Janet: Excuse me?
 * Roy: Hey! You look at me when I'm talkin' to you, bitch!
 * Judge Miriam Shoat: Mr. Stampler!
 * Roy: Fuck you, lady! Come here!
 * [Roy jumps over the witness stand and grabs Janet and punches Martin]
 * Judge Miriam Shoat: Bailiff!
 * Roy: You wanna play rough, let's play rough. Come on, let's play rough!
 * [Bailiff and Security slowly walk toward Roy]
 * Roy: Yeah, keep comin' closer, asshole. Don't think I won't break her fuckin' neck!
 * Martin: Roy, come on. I got—
 * Roy: Fuck you, Marty! I'm walkin' outta here slowly. Really slow.

 * Martin: [in Judge Miriam Shoat's chambers] You OK?
 * Janet: Am I OK? Do I seem OK? I get attacked by this sick twisted... I've lost the case and out of a job! So no, I'm not particularly OK, but you won! Justice was done, so who the hell cares, right? Congratulations! You knew didn't you? You knew if I went after him he'd wig out up there.
 * Martin: I knew he'd come out if he was threatened.
 * Janet: Who better to do that than me? You used me.
 * Martin: Yeah, I did. I had no choice. And what did I use that was so terrible? I knew you'd do your job and I knew you'd try to win the case. What's wrong with that?
 * Janet: I lost my fucking job.
 * Martin: And that's good. You should've left them years ago.
 * Janet: Oh, Jesus! Why do you think you always know what's best for me?

 * Aaron: Mr. Vail, will you t-tell Miss Venable I'm sorry? Tell her I hope her neck is OK.
 * ''[Martin walks away and comes back realizing what Aaron said]
 * Martin: What did you just say?
 * Aaron: What?
 * Martin: You told me you don't remember. You black out. So how do you know about her neck?
 * Aaron: [pauses and stammers, then starts clapping] Well... good for you, Marty. I was gonna let it go. You were looking so happy just now, I was thinking 'hmmmm'? To tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it. 'Cause I have been dyin' to tell you! I just didn't know who you'd wanna hear it from—Aaron or Roy or Roy or Aaron. Well, I'll let you in on a lil' secret, a client-attorney kind of secret. It don't matter who you hear it from—it's the same story! [stammering] I j-j-just had to kill Linda, Mr. Vail; that cunt just got what she deserved. But... [speaking normally] cuttin' up that son of a bitch Rushman? That was just a fuckin' work of art! [Laughs]
 * Martin: [stunned] You're good. You are really good.
 * Aaron: Yeah. I did get caught though, didn't I?
 * Marty: So there never— there never was a "Roy"?
 * Aaron: Jesus Christ, Marty. If that's what you think, I'm disappointed in you. There never was an "Aaron", counselor. [winks] Come on, I thought you had it figured there at the end. The way you put me on the stand like that, that was brilliant. The whole 'act-like-a-man' thing—I knew what you wanted. It was like we were dancin', Marty!
 * Martin: [walking away] Guard!
 * Aaron: Don't be like that, Marty. We did it, man! We fuckin' did it! We're a great team, you and me. You think I could've done this without you? [Martin continues walking out] You're feelin' angry because you started to care about old Aaron, but... love hurts, Marty! What can I say? I'm just kiddin', bud! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! What else was I supposed to do?! You'll thank me down the road, 'cause this'll toughen you up, Martin Vail! You hear me? That's a promise!

Taglines

 * Sooner or later a man who wears two faces forgets which one is real.
 * Don't believe everything you see...

Cast

 * Richard Gere - Martin Vail
 * Laura Linney - Janet Venable
 * Edward Norton - Aaron Stampler/Roy
 * John Mahoney - John Shaughnessy
 * Frances McDormand - Dr. Molly Arrington
 * Alfre Woodard - Judge Miriam Shoat
 * Terry O'Quinn - Bud Yancy
 * Andre Braugher - Tommy Goodman
 * Steven Bauer - Joey Pinero
 * Joe Spano - Capt. Abel Stenner
 * Tony Plana - Martinez
 * Stanley Anderson - Archbishop Richard Rushman
 * Maura Tierney - Naomi Chance
 * Jon Seda - Alex

title: Primal Fear (film)


text:
The Wicker Man (1973 film)

The Wicker Man is a 1973 film about a British police sergeant who is called to an island village in search of a missing girl whom the locals claim never existed. Stranger still, however, are the rituals that take place there.
 * Directed by Robin Hardy. Written by Anthony Shaffer, inspired by the novel Ritual by David Pinner.

Flesh to touch...Flesh to burn! Don't keep the Wicker Man waiting!taglines

Lord Summerisle

 * I think I could turn and live with animals. They are so placid and self-contained. They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins. They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. Not one of them kneels to another or to his own kind that lived thousands of years ago. Not one of them is respectable or unhappy, all over the earth. (quoting section 32 of Walt Whitman's poem "Song of Myself")
 * Do sit down, Sergeant. Shocks are so much better absorbed with the knees bent.
 * Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A small child is even better, but not nearly as effective as the right kind of adult.

Sergeant Neil Howie

 * Don't you see that killing me is not going to bring back your apples?
 * [upon seeing the Wicker Man] OH GOD!! OH JESUS CHRIST!!!
 * [singing] The Lord's my shepherd; I'll not want. He makes me down to lie in pastures... Oh, God.
 * [while being burned alive in a Wicker Man] Oh, God... I humbly entreat you for the soul of this, thy servant, Neil Howie... who will today depart from this world. Do not deliver me into the enemy's hands... or... put me out of mind forever. Let me not undergo the real pains of Hell, dear God, because I die unshriven... and establish me... in that bliss... which knows no ending... through Christ... our Lord. [screaming] JESUS!! JESUS!!!

Others

 * Harbour Master: Much has been said of the strumpets of yore Of wenches and bawdyhouse queens by the score But I sing of a baggage that we all adore The landlord's daughter.
 * Willow: Some things in their natural state have the most vivid colours.
 * Miss Rose: The building attached to the ground in which the body lies is no longer used for Christian worship, so whether it is still a Churchyard is debatable.
 * May Morrison: You'll simply never understand the true nature of sacrifice.

Dialogue

 * May Morrison: Can I do anything for you, Sergeant?
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: No, I doubt it, seeing you're all raving mad!

 * [outside, several young girls are dancing naked over a fire]
 * Lord Summerisle: Afternoon Sergeant Howie. I trust the sight of the young people refreshes you.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: No sir, it does not refresh me.

 * Sergeant Neil Howie: Your lordship seems strangely... unconcerned.
 * Lord Summerisle: I am confident your suspicions are wrong, Sergeant. We do not commit murder here. We are a deeply religious people.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: Religious? With ruined churches, no ministers, no priests... and children dancing naked!
 * Lord Summerisle: They do love their divinity lessons.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: But they are... a-are naked!
 * Lord Summerisle: Well, naturally. It's much too dangerous to jump through fire with your clothes on.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: What religion can they possibly be learning jumping over bonfires?
 * Lord Summerisle: Parthenogenesis.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: What?
 * Lord Summerisle: Literally, as Miss Rose would doubtless say in her assiduous way, reproduction without sexual union.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: Oh, what is all this? I mean, you've got fake biology, fake religion... Sir, have these children never heard of Jesus?
 * Lord Summerisle: Himself the son of a virgin, impregnated, I believe, by a ghost.

 * Sergeant Neil Howie: And you encourage them in this?
 * Lord Summerisle: Actively. It is most important that each new generation born on Summerisle be made aware that here, the old gods aren't dead.
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: But what of the true God, to whose Glory, churches and monasteries have been built on these islands for generations past? Now sir, what of Him?
 * Lord Summerisle: He's dead. He can't complain. He had His chance and in modern parlance, "blew it."

 * Sergeant Neil Howie: He brought you up to be a pagan!
 * Lord Summerisle: A heathen, conceivably, but not, I hope, an unenlightened one.

 * Willow MacGreagor: A man who would come here of his own free will.
 * Librarian: A man who has come here with the power of a king by representing the law.
 * Willow MacGreagor: A man who would come here as a virgin...
 * Librarian: A man who has come here as a fool!

 * [after being anointed]
 * Sergeant Neil Howie: No matter what you do, you can't change the fact that I believe in the life eternal, as promised to us by our Lord, Jesus Christ. [shouted] I believe in the life eternal, as promised to us by our Lord, Jesus Christ!
 * Lord Summerisle: That is good, for believing what you do, we confer upon you a rare gift, these days - a martyr's death. You will not only have life eternal, but you will sit with the saints among the elect. Come. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man.

Taglines

 * Flesh to touch...Flesh to burn! Don't keep the Wicker Man waiting!
 * The residents of Summerisle invited Sergeant Howie to their traditional May Day festival. He didn't expect to meet...The Wicker Man.

Cast

 * Edward Woodward - Sergeant Neil Howie
 * Christopher Lee - Lord Summerisle
 * Diane Cilento - Miss Rose
 * Britt Ekland - Willow
 * Ingrid Pitt - Librarian
 * Lindsay Kemp - Alder MacGregor
 * Russell Waters - Harbour Master
 * Aubrey Morris - Old Gardener/Gravedigger
 * Irene Sunters - May Morrison
 * Walter Carr - School Master
 * Ian Campbell - Oak
 * Roy Boyd - Broome
 * Peter Brewis - Musician
 * Gerry Cowper - Rowan Morrison
 * John Hallam - Police Constable McTaggart

title: The Wicker Man (1973 film)


text:
Silver Streak (film)

Silver Streak is a 1976 film about a man on a long-distance train trip, who finds romance but also finds himself embroiled in the activities of a criminal mastermind after he accidentally witnesses a murder on board the train. After he is thrown off the train by the villain's henchmen on numerous occasions, he enlists the unlikely help of a small time thief to outwit the gang.
 * ''Directed by Arthur Hiller. Written by Colin Higgins.

It's the Most Hilarious Suspense Ride of Your Life!taglines

George Caldwell

 * You stupid, ignorant, son of a bitch, dumb bastard! Jesus Christ, I met some dumb bastards in time, but you outdo them all! Get over there!

 * [running gag whenever he's ejected from the train in any manner] Son of a bitch!

Grover Muldoon

 * [to George] That's bad, man! You're lookin' good! Now here, take this radio. When you step out of here, step out like King Shit. You bad! Put that radio to your ear. That's gonna help cover your face. Just move with the rhythm of the music. Move your body with the rhythm of the music. That's all you gotta remember, okay? Let me see you try it. Step to the music. Step to the music. Yeah. Step to the music. Stop. How come you whiteys got such a tight ass, man? How are you gonna walk outta here with a tan face and that white walk? Just get into the music. Come on, George. Loosen up. Listen to the beat. Let your feet move. Now, do it! Can't you feel it? The tempo's right here. Right in there. That's all you gotta do. Yeah, now try it! Don't you feel it? Yeah. Needs work, George. Needs a lot of work. You know that? Will you practice? Man, you gotta practice, but let it be loose! Listen to the music. Follow the beat. Hear?

Dialogue

 * Hilly: What do you publish?
 * George: Oh, mostly nonfiction. Gardening, cook books, how-to-do-it books.
 * Hilly: Like sex manuals?
 * George: I've edited a few.
 * Hilly: An authority, huh?
 * George: I know what goes where...and why.
 * Hilly: That's very interesting. Are you married?
 * George: Divorced.
 * Hilly: How come?
 * George: My friends all told me that my wife was too good for me...and after a couple of years I decided they were right.

 * George: I can't get over the size of this room without the partition. They are small rooms by themselves.
 * Hilly: They're perfect for juggling.
 * George: For what?
 * Hilly: For juggling. When you practice...the balls would always bounce off the walls.
 * George: Do you juggle a lot?
 * Hilly: I know what goes where and why.
 * George: I like that song. If I ever hear it again...it'll be difficult not to think of you.
 * Hilly: You put that very nicely.
 * George: Thanks. To traveling by train.
 * Hilly: Trains that pass in the night.
 * [they kiss]

 * George: Milk her? I've never milked a cow before.
 * Rita: Cut the gas, Steve, you're a grown man. I'm sure you've had some similar experience. [laughs] Look, you just sit down, take a tit in each hand and let nature take its course.

 * Sheriff Chauncey: Is he with the Feds?
 * George: Who?
 * Sheriff Chauncey: This guy Rembrandt.
 * George: Rembrandt is dead.
 * Sheriff Chauncey: Dead? That makes four. Listen, fella, are you sure you're not making this up as you go along? I'm an officer of the law and I got a lot better things to do than listen to that kind of funnin'.
 * [buzzer sounds]
 * Sheriff Chauncey: That's my hotline. Now you take your time to get your facts straight 'cause when I come back I want your answers clear and to the point. Got that? And you can start with who shot Rembrandt!

 * George: What do you think?
 * Grover: I think you better make a right up here and then a sharp left. I'm coming over.
 * [climbs over the seat. George suddenly swerves the car, causing Grover to lunge forward]
 * Grover: Jesus Christ, man! That's how you murdered your victims? Put 'em in a car and bounced 'em to death?
 * George: Sorry!
 * Grover: Sorry, my ass! You dangerous. Proves one thing, though: you don't do this for no living.
 * George: No I don't.
 * [George slows down for a semi-trailer in front]
 * Grover: What are you slowing down for?
 * George: There's a truck up ahead.
 * Grover: So....there is a truck up ahead. Be a man! Let's turn on the siren. [George begins to accelerate and overtake the truck] Let's get them hippies off the road. Put some foot in it!!
 * [a car is coming the other way, causing George to swerve and lose control, and the car skids off the road]
 * George: Would you like to drive for a while?

 * Sheriff Chauncey: Hello, Car 36, what the hell happened to you guys?
 * Grover Muldoon: [into the radio] Hey Chauncey, this is Grover T. Muldoon. You wanna know what happened? We just whooped your ass. We whooped your ass. Ha ha ha!

 * Grover: [attempting to hotwire a Jaguar] I'm following the plan. Just changed my mind.
 * George: Are you crazy? I thought we were gonna take the Chevy in back.
 * Grover: Chevy? That's a jerk-off, man. This here is pure pussy.
 * George: Pure pussy? Tell that to the judge.
 * Grover: Don't worry about no judge, Man. This thing gonna get us to Kansas City on time.
 * George: How about jail? Did you know that the office is right in front of us?

 * Grover: You thinking about her?
 * George: Yeah. Crazy thing is I just met her two nights ago.
 * Grover: That's the way love is. I always lose my memory when I fall in love.

 * George: [to himself, in the mirror] Come on, man, get some jive goin'. Be cool. Shake it, but don't break it. Yeah! Hey man, how do I look? You look sharp, brother. I feel sharp! You hear? I feel like the sun around midnight. You dig? Outta sight! Get down! Get down! Feelin' good! Feelin' fine! Feelin' real fine! That's it. Just loosen up those hips, sugar. All you whiteys got a tight ass. Yeah, get that ass movin' there. Outta sight! I'm a macaroni! Get down! I'm the king! Number one, baby! [Shoe Shiner enters] Um, um, I'm not...
 * Shoe Shiner Hey, you must be in pretty big trouble, fella. But for God's sake, learn to keep time.

 * Grover: Give me the gun. [George hands him the gun] Now, give me your wallet.
 * George: What the...
 * Grover: I gotta buy a disguise...a porter's uniform.
 * George: You know, these disguises are getting expensive.
 * Grover: What can I say, man? Crime costs.

 * Devereau: The Silver Streak does have its drawbacks, but please try the marmalade. They do provide an excellent cuisine.
 * Grover: Oh, thank you, sir. I'll tell the boys in the kitchen. We aims to please. Coffee, miss?
 * Hilly: No, thanks.
 * Grover: He ain't bullshittin' about the cuisine.
 * Devereau: Steward?
 * Grover: Is that your lady, man? She's somethin' else.
 * Devereau: Steward!
 * Grover: Stand up, mama. Let me get a look at you.
 * Devereau: Steward!
 * Grover: Mm, mm, mm! Have mercy!
 * Devereau: Steward, you may go.
 * Grover: Just a little more coffee?
 * Devereau: No, thank you.
 * Grover: Half a cup? [pours coffee in Devereau's lap] Oh, sorry, sir. Look what I've done.
 * Devereau: You... Get out of...
 * Grover: See what I've done...
 * Devereau: You ignorant nigger!
 * Grover: [pulling a gun] Who you callin' nigger, huh? You don't know me well enough to call me no nigger! I'll slap the taste out your mouth! You don't even know my name! I'll whoop your ass! Beat the white off your ass!
 * Hilly: Who are you?
 * Grover: I'm a thief.
 * George: It's all right, Hilly. He's a friend of mine.
 * Hilly: Hello.
 * Grover: Hi.
 * Hilly: Hi.
 * Grover: So this is Mister Big?
 * George: That's the man.
 * Grover: [to Devereau] You ain't saying shit now, Mister Big.
 * Devereau: I must admit that I'm slightly at a loss for words. But on the other hand, I should warn you that you are a killer and you are wanted by the police in every state and I recommend that you, uh, be careful.
 * George Caldwell: You're the killer who's wanted by the police in every state. That man you had shot wasn't a vitamin salesman, he was a federal agent. They've been after you for two years, ever since that plane crash in Cologne, Germany, when you caused a hundred people to die just to cover up your link with the scandal at the Metropolitan Gallery. So why don't we get them the proof that they wanted? Let's go and get the Rembrandt letters. [points the gun at Devereau] Get up.
 * Roger Devereau: If you insist.

 * George Caldwell: Is there any way to get to the engine from here?
 * Ralston: There's no way to get to the engine at all. How come we're going so fast?
 * George Caldwell: There's nobody driving the train.
 * Ralston: Oh, that's impossible. The train would stop.
 * George Caldwell: Does it look like it is stopping to you?
 * Ralston: [looks out the window] Sure in the hell don't. I'm gonna pull the emergency brake.
 * Grover Muldoon: The emergency brakes have been cut.
 * Ralston: [pauses] Damn hippies!

 * Grover: [driving away in a stolen car] Take it easy, killer. Stay loose.
 * Hilly: What's he doing?
 * George: He's crazy.
 * Hilly: Crazy? He's got the right idea. Let's get out of here and go to a park.
 * George: A park?
 * Hilly: Yeah, I wanna lie back on the grass and have you teach me some more about gardening.
 * [they kiss]

Taglines

 * By plane, by train, by the edge of your seat, it's the most hilarious suspense ride of your life!

 * Nothing can stop the Silver Streak

 * It's the Most Hilarious Suspense Ride of Your Life!

Cast

 * Gene Wilder - George Caldwell
 * Jill Clayburgh - Hilly Burns
 * Richard Pryor - Grover Muldoon
 * Patrick McGoohan - Roger Devereau
 * Ned Beatty - Bob Sweet
 * Clifton James - Sheriff Oliver Chauncey
 * Ray Walston - Mr. Edgar Whiney
 * Stefan Gierasch - Prof. Schreiner & Johnson
 * Len Birman - Chief Donaldson
 * Valerie Curtin - Plain Jane
 * Lucille Benson - Rita Babtree
 * Scatman Crothers - Ralston
 * Richard Kiel - Reace
 * Fred Willard - Jerry Jarvis

title: Silver Streak (film)