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WKRP in Cincinnati

WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982) was an American sitcom, airing on CBS, about a wacky radio station in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Opening theme song

 * Baby, if you've ever wondered; Wondered whatever became of me. I'm living on the air in Cincinnati. Cincinnati WKRP. Got kind of tired of packin' and unpackin', Town to town, Up and down the dial. Maybe you and me Were never meant to be. Just maybe think of me Once in a while. I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati.
 * "WKRP in Cincinnati Main Theme", composed by Tom Wells, with lyrics by series creator Hugh Wilson, and performed by Steve Carlisle.

Pilot (1) [1.1]

 * Herb: Morning, Jennifer.
 * Jennifer: Morning, Herb.
 * Herb: Any calls?
 * Jennifer: No.
 * Herb: Messages?
 * Jennifer: Nope.
 * Herb: Mail?
 * Jennifer: None.
 * Herb: Okay, how about lunch?
 * Jennifer: No lunch either.
 * Herb: Dinner?
 * Jennifer: Busy.
 * Herb: Okay, how about later, my place?
 * Jennifer: You're married, Herb.
 * Herb: Oh, yeah.

 * Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! WHOO! We ALL in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say, "Give it to me straight, doctor. I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies: BOOGER!

Pilot (2) [1.2]

 * Andy: I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les. I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.
 * Mr. Carlson: Oh, settle down.
 * Andy: Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.
 * Mr. Carlson: Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.

 * [Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]
 * Mr. Carlson: Hey, is that us?
 * Jennifer: No, this is us. [changes stations]
 * Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies. This is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Les On a Ledge [1.3]

 * Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.
 * Les: Thanks, Herb.

 * Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Hoodlum Rock [1.4]

 * Mr. Carlson: Who's she?
 * Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.
 * Mr. Carlson: She work here?
 * Jennifer: Uh-huh.
 * Mr. Carlson: I like her.
 * Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.
 * Mr. Carlson: I do?

 * Herb: Boy, where have you been?
 * Jennifer: Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.

Hold-Up [1.5]

 * Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there; maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes, he is. Maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

 * Del: I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.
 * Johnny: Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.

Bailey's Show [1.6]

 * Dr. Monroe: My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!
 * Johnny: And that's bad?
 * Dr. Monroe: Well, sure.
 * Johnny: Well, so what should we do about it?
 * Dr. Monroe: Round the little guttersnipes up.
 * Johnny: So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?
 * Dr. Monroe: In Long Beach, California, Doctor.
 * Johnny: Long Beach State College.
 * Dr. Monroe: Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

 * Bailey: Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna cry.
 * Jennifer: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
 * Bailey: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
 * Jennifer: That's the way men do it.

Turkeys Away [1.7]

 * Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd....
 * [The radio transmission cuts off.]
 * Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

 * Mr. Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Love Returns [1.8]

 * Les: This is news, Sternworthy.
 * Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.

Mama's Review [1.9]

 * Jennifer: Mr. Carlson, I have to go to lunch now.
 * Mr. Carlson: O-Okay, fine.
 * Mrs. Carlson: Uh, Jennifer. Who answers the phone when you're at lunch?
 * Jennifer: Usually I just leave it off the hook.
 * Mrs. Carlson: You think that's wise?
 * Jennifer: I don't know. It was Mr. Carlson's idea.

 * Mr. Carlson: Every time my mother comes for one of these little quarterly reviews, she always leaves with a piece of me in her purse.

A Date With Jennifer [1.10]

 * Jennifer: Les. Never in my life has someone broken a date with me.
 * Venus: I heard that.

 * Bailey: What's he (Les) like on a date?
 * Jennifer: Very gallant. Later, he took me to this intimate little place, and I had a martini and Les had a hot chocolate. Then he took me home.
 * Bailey: Oh. Did he, uh... go up to your apartment?
 * Jennifer: Well, I invited him. But on the way up the stairs, his knees sort of gave out. But he took a rain check.

The Contest Nobody Could Win [1.11]

 * Venus: You never went to college.
 * Johnny: Hey man, I went through Princeton!
 * Venus: I'll bet.
 * Johnny: I did. It was in a car. A squad car, actually. Very, very educational.

 * Jennifer: Mr. Carlson.
 * Mr. Carlson: What?
 * Jennifer: You're being childish about this.
 * Mr. Carlson: I am not. Boy, is this gonna make my momma mad.

Tornado [1.12]

 * Johnny: [Horrified] Look, man, I've been in jail in Mexico. My father called me what's-his-face for seventeen horrifying years. My second wife tried to kill me with a Ronco Veg-o-Matic! My mother and I were in a tornado once. We were in a mobile home, and I think God must really hate mobile homes, Andy, 'cause tornadoes always attack them first. They get very mobile.

 * Herb: [reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?
 * Les: Maybe.
 * Herb: Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.

Goodbye, Johnny (1) [1.13]

 * Andy: Mr. Carlson, we have got big trouble.
 * Mr. Carlson: Uh-oh, Mother's on her way!
 * Andy: It is not Mama. It is worse than Mama.
 * Mr. Carlson: Worse? What could be worse than Mama?

 * Bailey: I...I just wanted to say...um, thanks, Johnny! When I first came to WKRP, I didn't know a thing about radio stations, and I guess I was just a little shy back then... [sighs] but...you took the time to show me the ropes, and you gave me the kind of confidence I needed. You're a real friend, Johnny, and I wish you wouldn't go. When I think of WKRP, I...I think of you, and I guess I always will.
 * Mr. Carlson: [Drunk] Is it working?...Is he going to stay?

Johnny Comes Back (2) [1.14]

 * Mr. Carlson: [panicked] I got a monkey on my foot!

 * Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, shape up 'cause it's time for your morning checkup. The Doctor is on duty. I have just returned from personally supervising an extensive research project involving West Coast vegetable worship cults, and the cure is here, babies. That's right. Doctor Johnny Fever is back and I am on call every morning on WKRP in Cincinnati!

Never Leave Me, Lucille [1.15]

 * Herb: Dip?
 * Venus: None for me, thanks.
 * Les: Do you have any chips?
 * Herb: What do you want, the world?

I Want to Keep My Baby [1.16]

 * Venus: Time to get the funk out your face, Cincinnati!

 * Johnny: The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.
 * Commercial: Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!
 * Johnny: Sure it would.

A Commercial Break [1.17]

 * Herb: Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...
 * Venus: What does that mean?
 * Johnny: Uh, that's plastic flowers.
 * Herb: ...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....
 * Johnny: Plastic grass....
 * Herb: ...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.
 * Johnny: That would be your plastic money.

 * Herb: Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...
 * Jennifer: [Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!

 * Jennifer, Bailey, Venus, Les: [Singing] Hey! You're young and swingin'
 * No time to think about tomorrow
 * But there any no way to deny it
 * Some day, you're gonna buy it
 * Plan today for a Ferryman tomorrow!

 * Ferryman, Ferryman
 * He's the man with the plot,
 * The man with the plan,
 * Ferryman, Ferryman
 * He's the mortician man, who loves you
 * A lot!

Who is Gordon Sims? [1.18]

 * Les: Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?
 * Bailey: You promise not to tell?
 * Les: I swear.
 * Bailey: Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

 * Venus: This is WKRP in Cincinnati, with more music and Les Nessman.

I Do, I Do... For Now [1.19]

 * Herb: I had a horrible dream last night.
 * Everyone else: Awww!
 * Herb: Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!

Young Master Carlson [1.20]

 * Andy: You interested in radio?
 * Little Arthur: Oh, kinda.
 * Johnny: It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.

 * [Les pays Little Arthur to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him]
 * Little Arthur: She says that you're obtuse.
 * Les Nessman: Ooh!
 * Herb: [reading dictionary] Adultery... Admire...
 * Les: Let me see that.
 * [snatches dictionary away from Herb]
 * Les: Obtuse...
 * Herb: [snatching dictionary back from Les] Addle-minded!
 * Les: [snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!
 * Herb: [Herb attempts to snatch the dictionary back from Les, but Les slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!
 * Bailey: [entering] Hi, guys.
 * Herb: Oh. Hi, Bailey. Met Carlson's son?
 * Bailey: Yes. I've had the pleasure.
 * Herb: Well, he's quite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Little Arthur] Tell your dad I said that.
 * Les: [excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looks and feels offended] That's an insult!
 * Bailey: Les, take it easy.
 * Les: Take it easy?
 * Herb: Yeah. Just calm down, okay?
 * Les: Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm "rounded at the free end"!
 * Bailey: Cool off, Les.
 * Herb: He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.
 * Les: I am too.
 * Herb: No. You're not.
 * Les: [Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.
 * Herb: No. You're not.
 * Les: Yes. I am!
 * Herb: You're not!
 * Bailey: You guys! You are both addle-minded!
 * Les: Thank you, Bailey.
 * Bailey: You're welcome, Les.

Fish Story [1.21]

 * Johnny: All right, fellow babies. That was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.
 * Officer: He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.
 * Johnny: Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.

 * Officer: You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.
 * Johnny: Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.

Preacher [1.22]

 * Venus: Andy, Little Ed weighs about 300 pounds.
 * Andy: He does?
 * Venus: That's right.
 * Andy: Why do they call him Little Ed?
 * Venus: Because his wife is Big Ed.

 * Johnny: The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated!

For Love or Money (2) [2.02]

 * Johnny: [to Buffy] So you put poison in the brandy. That's very Medieval of you.

Baseball [2.03]

 * Les: Bailey, you'll lead us in a team prayer.
 * Bailey: Why me?
 * Les: Because you're the most wholesome.

 * Johnny: Greetings, fellow teammates! Say, where is center field?

Bad Risk [2.04]

 * Mr. Hopkins: [on Herb] I will not be taught how to live by a man in a white belt!

 * Herb: You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.
 * Mr. Hopkins: Les, your friend is a twit.

Jennifer Falls in Love [2.05]

 * Steel: I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?
 * Les: [pauses] Les.

Carlson For President [2.06]

 * Jennifer: Mr. Carlson isn't even mentioned (in the polls).
 * Herb: Perfect! If people don't know you, they won't dislke you.  If you show yourself too much then you come off looking like a jerk.  At least that's been my experience."

 * Les: The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.
 * [Les hands Herb a card with a question written on it]
 * Herb: Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"
 * Les: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

 * Mr. Carlson: Listen, Venus, how do things look in the black community?
 * Venus: Oh, same old thing. Big lush lawns, manicured hedges. Living's easy. Fish are jumpin', cotton oh 'bout so high... Daddy's rich. I suppose you don't wanna hear about my momma, huh?

Mike Fright [2.07]

 * Johnny: You just talk into the mike and your voice goes out through the wires, and once a week, whether you need it or not, somebody comes in here and gives you a check for $38.
 * Bailey: Don't you ever get scared, you know, like, get stage fright?
 * Johnny: Well, I'll tell you a secret, Bailey. If you ever find yourself on the air, and you feel a little nervous, just imagine that you're speaking to one specific person. Which in fact is probably the case here.

 * Bailey: Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.
 * Johnny: Okay.
 * Bailey: That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.
 * Johnny: Okay, I'll give it a try.
 * Bailey: Just talk to me.
 * Johnny: This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.

Patter of Little Feet [2.08]

 * Johnny: [on sex frequency per week statistic] 2.96? I wonder how they do the, uh, .96 part.
 * Bailey: That is just an average, Johnny.
 * Johnny: Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!

 * Mr. Carlson: How many times have you said to yourself, "if I knew then what I know now"? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn't used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now.

Baby, If You've Ever Wondered [2.09]

 * Andy: Everything I could've done to fix this station, I didn't do. Now is that right or what?
 * Venus: How could you have fixed this station?
 * Andy: For starters: first thing I should've done was get rid of Herb. The worst sales manager in the world. The worst. And Les? Oh, Les. When the Shah of Iran was overthrown, he missed it completely. His lead story for the day was about a hog that could do addition and subtraction.

 * Venus: Aw, come on, man, you're not going anywhere, you know that. You've chosen to be here, my man. Yeah. You gave up an opportunity to be boy wonder of American radio to be the head guard at the nut farm.
 * Andy: That's ridiculous.
 * Venus: Oh, yeah? Think about it.
 * Andy: Ah, Venus. Well, man, I do like it here. I like it here better than any place I've ever worked. Let me ask you a question. Am I the guard or one of the nuts?
 * Venus: I think you're a guard. On the way to becoming a nut.

Bailey's Big Break [2.10]

 * Andy: There are thousands of stations in this country with women on the air.
 * Les: As disk jockeys, yes. But this is news, Travis, news - important stuff.
 * Andy: What about Barbara Walters?
 * Les: I 'west' my case.

 * Les: Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.
 * Bailey: Why?
 * Les: Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.
 * Bailey: Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?
 * Les: Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

Jennifer's Home For Christmas [2.11]

 * Johnny: [about being alone on Christmas] Do you know how hard it is to find a 2 lb. turkey?

 * Johnny: [after playing Christmas music] I don't get it either, babies, but somebody out there likes it. So we'll just keep shoveling through the seasonal syrup. Not too much left of this season of good cheer and bad music.

Sparky [2.12]

 * Sparky: So, Derek, how does your team look?
 * Derek Doogle: Uh, mostly Venezuelan.

 * Mr. Carlson: Well, let's hear it.
 * Les: Well, we were all right here, just as we are now, discussing this new show with Sparky, except you didn't look like yourself, Mr. Carlson. You looked more like a large... muffin.
 * Jennifer: Muffin?
 * Les: Yes, a nice breakfast muffin. And you said that you had an exciting announcement.
 * Mr. Carlson: Well?
 * Les: Well, you sang it. [Singing] "I'm a big fat muffin that loves to eat, a big fat muffin that has no feet. But most of all, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to explode." And then you did.

God Talks To Johnny [2.13]

 * Johnny: Do you believe in a supreme being?
 * Bailey: Wow! Uh, I think so.
 * Johnny: What's he like?
 * Bailey: Well, first of all she's black—that was a joke. An old joke, but a good one.

A Family Affair [2.14]

 * Johnny: Bigotry started a long time ago. Nobody knows where. I think the French started it.

 * Venus: [about racism] We've cut down the tree, but the roots run pretty deep.

Herb's Dad [2.15]

 * Johnny: Any signs of senility?
 * Herb Sr.: It's all around, Venus.
 * Venus: I'm Venus.
 * Herb Sr.: Then who's he?
 * Venus: That's Johnny.
 * Herb Sr.: The black guy?
 * Venus: No, I'm the black guy.
 * Herb Sr.: Oh, excuse me.

 * Herb Sr.: You know, my son speaks about you all the time.
 * Bailey: He does?
 * Herb Sr.: No, he doesn't, but he should. My son is a little bit of a jerk.

Put Up Or Shut Up [2.16]

 * Venus: [on Herb's suit] Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.

 * Jennifer: Why Herb, this is a really fine French wine!
 * Herb: Is it? Well, I told the guy to give me the best he's got in the store without going over fourteen bucks.

The Americanization of Ivan [2.17]

 * Andy: Damn, I like this cloak and dagger stuff! Carrying a Russian across Ohio in the dead of night, and you're telling me my life ain't workin' out?

 * Les: If there's one thing this reporter knows about, it's two things: A, hogs, and B, Russians.

Les's Groupie [2.18]

 * Jennifer: You're Les' fiancée?
 * Darlene: Mm hmm.
 * Jennifer: Uh huh. Does Les know about this?

 * Les: [Mrs. Nedelman] doesn't like for me to have lady guests.
 * Darlene: It must be terrible to have such an awful landlady living right next door!
 * Les: Oh, she's not my landlady, she's my tenant. I own this duplex.
 * Darlene: Rather than put an old lady, or even a dog, out in the street, you just take it. What a man you are, Les Nessman.

The Doctor's Daughter [2.20]

 * Andy: [to Johnny] We've got a playlist. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40 hits, don't we? Why, sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a dialogue here. There you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with a loaded revolver.

 * Johnny: [after Andy's pressure to play a Top 40 song] Okay, babies, we've got time for just one Top 40 hit, so let's check out the Captain and Tenille. Uh-oh, no more time. Maybe tomorrow!

Venus Rising [2.23]

 * Venus: [on getting older] I took a look at my wardrobe, and I asked myself, "does a grown man dress like this?"

Most Improved Station [2.24]

 * Les: Why are we all here on this planet?
 * Jennifer: As opposed to where, Les?

The Airplane Show [3.01]

 * Les: Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.
 * Andy: I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.

 * Les: Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.
 * Jennifer: [silence]
 * Les: Fortunately, you know better than that.

Jennifer Moves [3.02]

 * Herb: Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!
 * [silence]

 * Les: [about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.
 * Jennifer: Really?
 * Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

Real Families [3.03]

 * Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.
 * TV Hostess: Like what?
 * Lucille: Well, the Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.

 * Johnny: In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Nietzsche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you?

The Baby [3.04]

 * Guard in lobby: Where'd you get a jacket like that? I mean, do they sell them somewhere?
 * Herb: Of course, they sell them somewhere.
 * Guard in lobby: Where?
 * Herb: Yeah. I tell you, you tell somebody else, pretty soon the whole world is dressing like me.

Hotel Oceanview [3.05]

 * Les: And so, in summary, this German piggy went to the common market. This Chinese piggy stayed home. This Soviet piggy had turkey. Our American piggy had none. This is Les Nessman saying wee wee wee all the way home.

 * Nikki: I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?
 * Herb: I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.

A Mile in My Shoes [3.06]

 * Jennifer: So there we are standing at my front door, and he says, "Jennifer, some women would feel obligated after flying to New Orleans on a private jet and a moonlight dinner on a Mississippi riverboat, but I prefer a challenge. Someone who's interested in me, and not my money."
 * Bailey: What'd you do?
 * Jennifer: Well, I wished him luck, kissed him on his bald spot and wheeled him to his car.

 * Johnny: You used to be a good disk jockey, man. 'Course, that was when you were black.
 * Venus: You want to be Acting Program Director? You want to argue about something you don't care about with someone you agree with?
 * Johnny: Do you understand what you just said?
 * Venus: Not a word.

Bah, Humbug [3.07]

 * Johnny's Ghost: Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!
 * Mr. Carlson: What about you and me? Fever and me?
 * Johnny's Ghost: Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumors, of course, but really not much else.
 * Mr. Carlson: And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?

 * Mr. Carlson: I can't wake up...
 * Grandfather Carlson: I know.
 * Mr. Carlson: Scrooge could wake up!
 * Grandfather Carlson: Scrooge didn't eat one of Johnny's brownies.

Baby, It's Cold Inside [3.08]

 * Andy: Heat, there's no heat!
 * Johnny: No kidding there's no heat! It's because Mr. Carlson's mother is here. She walks in, everything freezes. She is the Ice Queen! She has powers beyond any mortal woman!

 * Herb: Mother Carlson, how nice to see you, what a lovely surprise!
 * Mrs. Carlson: Down, boy.
 * Herb: Yes, ma'am.

Venus and the Man [3.12]

 * Venus: I think there are only two things anybody cares about in this world. One, survival, and two, conquest.
 * Arnold: What about sex?
 * Venus: That's part of survival.

[Venus explains the Atom]
 * Venus: There are three gangs on the street, right?
 * Arnold: Yeah, yeah, three gangs.
 * Venus: And this... [points to a blank wall] ...this right here is the territory. Now here is the neighborhood. [draws a big circle] You got that?
 * Arnold: Yeah.
 * Venus: And right in the middle of this neighborhood is a gang called the "new boys". [draws a small capital N in the center].
 * Arnold: Yeah. The "new boys". Good name.
 * Venus: OK. [points to the outer circle] Out here on the outside of the neighborhood, on the edge of the neighborhood, is another gang. You know these are real negative dudes, really negative. Right?
 * Arnold: Right, right.
 * Venus: Now they call themselves the "elected ones". [draws a small capital E on the circle at about 1 o'clock].
 * Arnold: All right, the "elected ones".
 * Venus: You got that? Really negative. They don't like nothing. [Runs his hand around the circle several times and draws another concentric circle outside it]. Now they're all the time out here circling around the neighborhood, just circling, you know? Checking out the "new boys". [Taps the N in the center]. Now the "new boys" see this, and they figure something is wrong here. [runs his hand between the N and E several times] So, they make a deal with another, another gang. A gang of very happy go lucky guys. They call themselves the "pros". The "pros". [draws a small capital P next to the N in the center]. Now the "pros" are very positive cats. They've got all the good looking women, right?
 * Arnold: Yeah!
 * Venus: Right. [laughs] See now, the "pros" and "elected ones", here's what they think - they hate each other. So much so that they keep the same number of members in the gang just in case. You dig?
 * Arnold: Right.
 * Venus: So, if I've got ten "elected ones", how many "pros" do I have?
 * Arnold: Ten.
 * Venus: All right. Now how many gangs do I have?
 * Arnold: Three.
 * Venus: Name them.
 * Arnold: The "new boys", "elected ones" and the "pros".
 * Venus: All right. [Points to the circle]. Who's here?
 * Arnold: The "elected ones".
 * Venus: All right. Now, what are they? Negative?
 * Arnold: Yeah, negative.
 * Venus: All right. Now who is positive?
 * Arnold: The "pros", and you're running out of time.
 * Venus: All right. You see right here? [points to the P and N area] The "pros" and the "new boys", they call their hangout the "nucleus". [draws a small circle around the P and N] Yeah. Now, see? That's a real tough word. It's Latin. But I think it's Swahili and it means center.
 * Arnold: Yeah. What is it?
 * Venus: It's "nucleus". Say it!
 * Arnold: Nucleus. Is that really African?
 * Venus: Say it!
 * Arnold: Nucleus.
 * Venus: You got it?
 * Arnold: Yeah.
 * Venus: All right. Give you another Swahili word. It's, ah, it's tron. It means dude.
 * Arnold: Yeah, tron. Dude.
 * Venus: All these gangs like that name so well that they all decide to use it. For instance, the "pros" right here in the middle start calling themselves the "protons". And the "new boys", well, they start calling themselves the "neutrons". And out here on the edge here, the elected ones, they start calling themselves the "elect..."?
 * Arnold: The "electrons". The "protons" and the "neutrons".
 * Venus: Yeah. [circling his hand over the empty area between the center and outer circles]. And all this right here... this is the neighborhood. This is block after block of nothing. You understand block after block of nothing, don't you?
 * Arnold: Yeah, yeah, I know all about that and your time is up, professor DJ.
 * Venus: [dusting his hands and walking away from the wall] Good. I was finished anyway. Now you go on back to school, man.
 * Arnold: School? Man, all I know about is a bunch of damn gangs that live in a round neighborhood.
 * Venus: Arnold! That's the atom! That's it, man! That's it. [points to the center and starts rapid fire questions again] What's this right here?
 * Arnold: Protons and neutrons.
 * Venus: [points to the little circle] And they call this the what?
 * Arnold: Nucleus.
 * Venus: [points to the E] All right, what are these guys up here?
 * Arnold: "Electrons."
 * Venus: Are they positive or negative?
 * Arnold: Negative.
 * Venus: And how do they move?
 * Arnold: Round and round.
 * Venus: And if I've got two of them, how many protons do I have? [points to the center]
 * Arnold: Two.
 * Venus: Now, are protons positive or negative?
 * Arnold: Positive.
 * Venus: [points to the empty area] All right. And what's all this right here?
 * Arnold: Ah, that's the neighborhood.
 * Venus: Which is?
 * Arnold: Nothing.
 * Venus: You've got it, man. You get an A.

Dr. Fever and Mr. Tide (1) [3.13]

 * Johnny: Need I remind you that I have two growing ex-wives to support?

Dr. Fever and Mr. Tide (2) [3.14]

 * Kid: Why don't you shut up and play the Village People?
 * Johnny: Jam it, pizza face.

I Am Woman [3.16]

 * Herb: She threatened to set the whole city on fire by setting matches to my suit.
 * Bailey: Herb, did you order those petitions?
 * Herb: No. What do you think of that?
 * Bailey: Andy, do you have any matches?

Secrets of Dayton Heights [3.17]

 * Berwick: It's your radical affiliations, Mr. Nessman.
 * Andy: What radical affiliations?
 * Les: Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club.

Out to Lunch [3.18]

 * Herb: [drunk] And that's why I say with the proper military backing, we can go anywhere in the world and say, "We are Americans! Give us your girls!"

 * Herb: Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?
 * Andy: Is that true?
 * Herb: No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?
 * Andy: Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.
 * Herb: Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --
 * Andy: I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.
 * Herb: So what do you want?
 * Andy: I want you to shape up.
 * Herb: So what's new, Travis?

A Simple Little Wedding [3.19]

 * [Herb, Bailey and Jennifer are playing Monopoly, and Herb is bankrupt.]
 * Bailey: Well, we could play Strip Monopoly. You could give us your coat, Herb!
 * Herb: Huh?
 * Jennifer: That's fine. I'll take the coat.
 * Bailey: Guess which item of apparel comes next?
 * Jennifer: Whoo!
 * Herb: Is this what women's liberation is all about? Humiliation?
 * Bailey: No. We just heard you had great legs.
 * Herb: [smiles and starts to unbutton his coat] Who told you?
 * Bailey: Les.
 * [Herb stops unbuttoning his coat and exits quickly.]

 * Herb: I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.
 * Les: Not so!
 * Herb: Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!

Nothing To Fear But... [3.20]

 * Les: Somebody must have jimmied the lock!
 * Johnny: [looking where Les's walls would be] Jimmied it? I think they took the whole door!

 * Les: Johnny, my space has been violated!
 * Johnny: Congratulations! It's about time.

Till Debt Do Us Part [3.21]

 * Venus: [to Andy] If you're not back in four hours, I'm going all Christmas music! Think about it, I mean it!

Clean Up Radio Everywhere [3.22]

 * Les: In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armored cavalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow.

 * Andy: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
 * Mr. Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
 * Johnny: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "there's a naughty word!"

An Explosive Affair (1) [4.01]

 * Andy: We have a responsibility to our listeners!
 * Johnny: Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?

 * Johnny: Well?
 * Venus: Well what?
 * Johnny: Well, go back in there and get the albums.
 * Venus: Need I remind you that the police are going to search every inch of this station, including your desk drawer?
 * Johnny: I'll go get those albums.

An Explosive Affair (2) [4.02]

 * Johnny: [after hearing the sirens] It's the phone cops. They know what I did here today.
 * Venus: What are you talking about?
 * Johnny: They're coming to get me, man!
 * Venus: That's paranoia, man!
 * Johnny: Wake up, sucker, this is the phone company we're talking about! They see everything, they know everything, they got their own covert police force! I'm probably wired for sound right now! I gotta get out of here!
 * Venus: Johnny!
 * Johnny: Don't use my name!!

 * Les: Johnny! Venus! You're alive!
 * Johnny: The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.
 * Les: Well, that's wonderful.
 * Venus: Gee thanks, Les.
 * Les: Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?
 * Andy: How'd I like what, Les?
 * Les: My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?
 * Andy: Les, the transmitter blew up!
 * Les: Of course! That was my lead!
 * Johnny: You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?
 * Les: No. But I can include that in my update.

The Union [4.03]

 * Jennifer: I already belong to a union. It's a quasi-religious group called the International Sisterhood of Blond Receptionists. There are only twelve members in the world. We meet once every two years in Switzerland. If I told you our minimum salary you'd have a heart attack and die. Bye.

 * Johnny: WKRP, with your generous help and support, has now climbed to 10th place in the Cincinnati market! If I sound emotional about this, it's because I can still hear my father saying: "Son, no matter what you decide to do in this life, always try to come in 10th." I think we've done it here, Dad!

Rumors [4.04]

 * Bailey: [to Herb] Continuity is so important. Thank you for always being a jerk.

 * Andy: You're paranoid.
 * Johnny: Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!

Straight From the Heart [4.05]

 * Bailey: [in jail] You don't think they're going to fingerprint us, do you? "Bailey Quarters, Summa Cum Laude Ohio State, Sex Pervert!"

 * Les: Where are we going?
 * Herb: To be among the living, Les.
 * Les: But I was going to Omaha!

Who's On First? [4.06]

 * Mr. Carlson: Jennifer, in a little while when I'm happy again because we've made a sale, remind me what's been said about me and by whom. A certain little salesman I know is going to suffer.

Three Days of the Condo [4.07]

 * Les: [pointing at the stairs] Do these lead upstairs?
 * Johnny: It depends on which way you're going.

 * Jennifer: Johnny Fever has come into a great deal of money.
 * Mr. Carlson: That soft drink machine break again?

Jennifer and the Will [4.08]

 * Les: What is an executrix?
 * Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.

 * Herb: Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!
 * Jennifer: [Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.
 * Herb: Hey. I'm in sales!

The Consultant [4.09]

 * Mr. Carlson: Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...
 * Andy: Wait a minute, you can't just clear out the station!
 * Mr. Carlson: Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.
 * Andy: And what if he is a she?
 * Mr. Carlson: Well, then, you wink at him.

 * Mrs. Carlson: Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!
 * Hirsch: Umm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.

Love, Exciting and New [4.10]

 * Mr. Carlson: [on the phone] Thank you very much! It's nice talking to you too! Bye!
 * Jennifer: Who was that?
 * Mr. Carlson: My mom.
 * Jennifer: Really!
 * Mr. Carlson: Yeah. She was pleasant! No guilt feelings! Something's wrong, of course. She's dying.

 * Venus: Andy's dating Mrs. Carlson!
 * Andy: Don't tell anybody!
 * Venus: Andy's not dating Mrs. Carlson!
 * Johnny: Which one, his wife or his mother?
 * Andy: His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?
 * Johnny: Gee, Travis, I don't know!

 * Mrs. Carlson: [after her son has asked for lemonade] Hirsch, go squeeze a lemon.
 * Hirsch: Yes, ma'am! I might suggest you do the same!

You Can't Go Out of Town Again [4.11]

 * Carmen: I didn't join that sorority, because...
 * Mr. Carlson: Because you felt sorry for me.
 * Carmen: No! Because to get in I had to show up with a loser, a dip, a clown.
 * Mr. Carlson: Thanks, Carmen!
 * Carmen: And one minute after you picked me up, I knew you were none of those things. You were for me.

Mr. Carlson: I've been in my office all morning just hanging it out.

 * Mr. Carlson: It wasn't really an 'official' fraternity. Mother sort of rented this house for a bunch of us who couldn't get in.

Pills [4.12]

 * Venus: Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!
 * Johnny: And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!

 * Mr. Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
 * Andy: What's that, sir?
 * Mr. Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

Changes [4.13]

 * Herb: Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.
 * Venus: Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.
 * Herb: I wasn't trying to hide anything!
 * Andy: Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.
 * Venus: Human.
 * Herb: Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?
 * Venus: Where'd you get that speech?
 * Herb: Read it on a T-Shirt.

 * Bailey: Have you noticed that you can't tell what color someone is over the phone?
 * Venus: I guess not.
 * Bailey: That's right! Stereotype thinking! I mean, when I heard Black Life Magazine, I was expecting him to be like "Hey, little momma, you tell the dude I'll be here at fo'." But he didn't. He sounded just like you!
 * Venus: What does she mean "just like me?" I'm black, I'm from the street, I can say "fo'!"
 * Johnny: That's right, Kingfish. You is, and you does. But the problem is, you sound neutral.
 * Venus: Neutral. You mean 'white.'
 * Johnny: Well, don't worry, pal. I've heard you say "upside your head," things like that. Don't worry, you can pass for black.
 * Venus: I don't want to "pass for black," I want to be black! What the hell am I saying?

Jennifer and Johnny's Charity [4.14]

 * Herb: My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.

 * Les: The following bulletin has just been received on the WKRP teletype! Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!
 * Johnny: Monster lizard?
 * Les: The wire service never lies!
 * Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!

I'll Take Romance [4.15]

 * Les: Are you trying to tell me that I'm not worthy of Lorraine?
 * Jennifer: No, I'm trying to tell you that Lorraine is not worthy of you.
 * Les: She cost $200.
 * Jennifer: No, she charges $200. Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession.
 * Les: Lorraine's a farmer?

 * Andy: Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.

Fire [4.17]

 * Les: Officer Shanks, explain fire.
 * Fireman: What?
 * Les: Exactly why do things burn?
 * Fireman: What kind of a station is this?

 * Les: The phones are dead! The phones are dead!
 * Venus: Not now, Les!
 * Les: Well, shouldn't we call somebody?

Dear Liar [4.18]

 * Andy: Les, your stories always seem to have a kind of a, uh... how shall I put this?
 * Johnny: Barnyard aroma?

 * [Andy and Bailey, in Mr. Carlson's office, have just discussed the fake news story that Bailey wrote and Les plagiarized on air]
 * Andy: [as Bailey is leaving] Bailey?
 * Bailey: Hm?
 * Andy: You ever do that again, you'll be the best-looking reporter on the unemployment line.
 * Bailey: Right.
 * [Bailey opens the door, then stops, and turns to look at Andy with a surprised expression on her face]
 * Bailey: "Best-looking?"
 * [Andy nods]
 * Bailey: Ooh. [smiles and departs]

The Creation of Venus [4.19]

 * Mrs. Carlson: [to Andy] If you're going to grab me, do it nicely—in the back seat of my Rolls.

 * Venus: Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!
 * Andy: That's a dog's name.
 * Venus: Mercury.
 * Andy: That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"
 * Venus: Flytrap.
 * Andy: The plant that eats bugs?

The Impossible Dream [4.20]

 * Bailey: You don't like parties? You don't like putting on a silly hat, hiding behind furniture, and generally stripping yourself of every shred of human dignity?
 * Johnny: Now that you put it that way, I do like that.

 * Johnny: Travis, you should've heard Bailey with the news. It's the first time it ever made sense.
 * Jennifer: I like when Les does it. It's always so surreal.

To Err is Human [4.21]

 * Mr. Carlson: Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?
 * Herb: Yes, sir.
 * Mr. Carlson: Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?
 * Herb: [into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it. That's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!

 * Johnny: Here's how we do it. We go into the supermarket. [to Bailey] You create a ruckus in the produce section. [to Venus] You grab the poster, slip it under your jacket, we're out the door!
 * Bailey: What kind of ruckus?
 * Johnny: I don't know, uh, something with mangoes.
 * Bailey: Mangoes?
 * Andy: [entering] Hey, Venus, don't worry about the posters; they'll be out of the supermarkets by tomorrow.
 * Venus: Thank goodness.
 * Bailey: Oh, too bad. I was just getting a mental picture of me and those mangoes.
 * Johnny: Yeah...?

Up and Down the Dial [4.22]

 * Johnny: Statistics, right? I don't trust 'em. Statistically speaking, anybody who's led the kind of life that I have should look completely wasted.

 * Andy: Can you give me three solid reasons why Les should be fired?
 * Mrs. Carlson: Yes—he's incompetent, unprofessional, and very weird.

 * Hirsch: [after Dr. Johnny Fever has arrived] I'll just interrupt madam's meditation on the veranda. It is Dr. Johnny Fever?
 * [Johnny nods]
 * Hirsch: [calling out onto the veranda] Madam--your physician is here!

Cast

 * Tim Reid - Gordon "Venus Flytrap" Sims
 * Howard Hesseman - Dr. Johnny "Fever" Caravella
 * Gordon Jump - Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson
 * Loni Anderson - Jennifer Marlowe
 * Richard Sanders - Les Nessman
 * Gary Sandy - Andy Travis
 * Frank Bonner - Herb Tarlek
 * Jan Smithers - Bailey Quarters

title: WKRP in Cincinnati


text:
User talk:68.90.8.83

—Jeremy Hanson 02:51, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:68.90.8.83


text:
Sun Myung Moon

Sun Myung Moon (25 February,1920 – 3 September,2012) was the founder of the Unification Church, a new religious movement. He is called "Father" or "True Father" by church members.

Quotes

 * Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." In order for you yourself to become the way, the truth, and the life, you must embrace the whole universe and bring harmony to it.
 * For Whom Are We Living, (1957-04-07)

 * Although today the Unification Church is being persecuted, I am grateful for it. If we did not receive opposition, where would the Unification Church be diverted to? Even when constructing a building, one must dig deep and lay down concrete. If one digs shallow and puts in the concrete, one cannot build a strong building. Because Jesus understood this situation, he could join his hands and pray for the sake of Satan.
 * The Meaning of the Trinity, (1958-01-03)

 * The words of the Bible that you believe in today are the words of a betrayed Jesus. The apostles betrayed not only Jesus but also his words. His words were betrayed and Jesus was also personally betrayed. Did Heaven labor for four thousand years to establish Jesus just so he might be betrayed? No, not at all. Why do you believe in Jesus? You must believe in Jesus in order to fulfill the hope of God and to ease the pain of Jesus. Without caring whether you go to Heaven or hell and even if you go to hell, you should fulfill Jesus' hope. Even if you become the prince of hell, you should believe in order to fulfill God's hope. But people say, "Even if Jesus perishes and Heaven fails, all that needs to happen is that I go to the Kingdom of Heaven." This attitude is worse than criminal. This kind of faith is faulty in essence. Today the road of the Unification Church members is the road of setting this kind of Christianity straight.
 * Jesus Whom God Wanted To Find, 1959-10-18

 * Where did you set your standard of faith? Do you desire the greatest blessing? I know you do. Are you willing to take up the cross? Do you know what Jesus said? He said, "He who loves his mother, his father, his wife, his brothers and sisters, his children more than me is not worthy of me. To come with me, you must bear your own cross." Jesus Christ, of course, was a pathfinder. He opened up the territory, the new way. In order to be adopted as a true son and daughter of God, those who followed his path must walk the same way. The time has come when the tears of civilized people are necessary. The tears of the millionaire are needed, The tears of the men of talent, the men of knowledge are needed. And their sweat. And even their blood. This is the only way we can expedite the restoration of the Kingdom of Heaven.
 * Process of Restoration, (1965-02-13)

 * Since God has been carrying on His dispensation through the Christian church, He and we are responsible to convey this message to the Christians first. Until our mission with the Christian church is over, we must quote the Bible and use it to explain the Divine Principle. After we receive the inheritance of the Christian church, we will be free to teach without the Bible. Now, however, our primary mission is to witness to the Christian church. When they recognize and accept our movement, the world restoration will be very easy. So go to the Christians. In reality, Christians are quicker to understand the Principle than non-Christians. Sometimes non-Christians may accept it quickly, but it is hard to put the roots into deep soil. They accept for a few days, then run away.
 * Master Speaks (1967) Part 7: Bible Interpretation, (transcriptions of Q&A sessions in March-April 1965)

 * There have been a number of instances in the Bible where the Spirit of God has acted in a birth. For instance, in the story of Abraham and Sarah, Sarah was too old and Abraham was also old. But the Bible says God quickened the womb of Sarah so that she could bear a son. In the same way, the Holy Spirit worked with Mary. It was not done in the sense of producing a child from the union of God with man, but in the sense of God participating in the event. Jesus was born of a father and a mother, just as anyone else is, but in his case the Spirit of God was working also.
 * Master Speaks (1967) Part 7: Bible Interpretation, (transcriptions of Q&A sessions in March-April 1965)

 * To satisfy your curiosity, I can explain very plainly. But since Christians believe that Jesus was born of a virgin by the Holy Spirit, and God's primary object of this dispensation is Christians (it is His will that we lead Christians first because they are the ones who have been keeping the promise of the Second Coming), it is our mission to tell them first, whether they refuse or accept. If I explain everything plainly about the birth of Jesus, it may put a stumbling block in the way of many Christians accepting God's new dispensation. Therefore, I don't want to explain everything too plainly here.
 * Master Speaks (1967) Part 7: Bible Interpretation (transcriptions of Q&A sessions in March-April 1965)

 * After 7,000 biblical years — 6,000 years of restoration history plus the millennium, the time of completion — communism will fall in its 70th year. Here is the meaning of the year 1978. Communism, begun in 1917, could maintain itself approximately 60 years and reach its peak. So 1978 is the border line and afterward communism will decline; in the 70th year it will be altogether ruined. This is true. Therefore, now is the time for people who are studying communism to abandon it.
 * The Way of Restoration, (April, 1972)

 * In the providential history of mankind, Adam fell on the individual level; Noah fell on the family level; Abraham on the tribal level (clan level); Moses, on the national level; and Jesus, both on the national and worldwide levels. All those things are not a history of victory at all. But when we think of centering on the man Noah -- he kept his faith, trying to carry out his mission for 120 long years -- but we have to excel his faith. Abraham was the father of faith, Moses was a man of faith, Jesus was the son of man, trying to carry out his mission at the cost of his life. But they are, in a way, failures. So, in order for us to accomplish our mission, our whole-sided mission, we must excel them in many ways. It makes it difficult for us to carry out our mission; but when we pour out our whole energy, our whole being, into this providence project, we can get the cooperation of the spirit world, making it possible. We must turn all things upside down like this, making it a reality, and making it a success. Jesus had a strong sense of purpose in his mission, but ours must be even stronger than that.
 * "Victory or Defeat" (1973-03-31)

 * My dream is to organize a Christian political party including the Protestant denominations, Catholics and all the religious sects. Then, the communist power will be helpless before ours. We are going to do this because the communists are coming to the political scene. Before the pulpit, all the ministers of the established churches must give their sermon on how to smash or absorb communism — but they are not doing that. We are going to do this. Unless we lay the foundation for this, we cannot carry it out. In the Medieval Ages, they had to separate from the cities — statesmanship from the religious field — because people were corrupted at that time. But when it comes to our age, we must have an automatic theocracy to rule the world. So, we cannot separate the political field from the religious. Democracy was born because people ruled the world, like the Pope does. Then, we come to the conclusion that God has to rule the world, and God loving people have to rule the world — and that is logical. We have to purge the corrupted politicians, and the sons of God must rule the world. The separation between religion and politics is what Satan likes most.
 * Master Speaks: The Significance of the Training Session (1973-05-17)
 * Note that the phrase "automatic theocracy" is seen within the church as a translation error. Mrs. Won Pok Choi, while translating the extemporaneous speech, compressed several minutes of Rev. Moon's exposition about the process by which the world would become transformed into the kingdom of heaven into this two-word phrase. Critics used to use this quote to "prove" their claim that Rev. Moon was dictatorial and anti-democratic, but Andrew Wilson had the recorded speech re-translated and exposed the discrepancy. Here is the word-for-word re-translation:
 * What? Separate religion from politics? Why separate religion from politics? Why separate politics from religion? Can you separate God from politics? God is active in the realization of all human affairs. Therefore, when the democracies produce a succession of many uncorrupted politicians, it will become heaven on earth. Don't you agree that this is the way it should be?

 * Are you better than Jesus? You must be better than him. Yes, you must be confident that you can do better things and you can be better than Jesus, because Jesus died and could save the world only on the spiritual level. But you are going to save the world both on the spiritual level and physical level. You must be confident that you are better than Jesus. The whole world is in my hand, and I will conquer and subjugate the world. I will go beyond the boundary of the U. S., opening up the toll gate, reaching out to the end of the world. I will go forward, piercing through everything. Are you with that attitude? With that zeal and courage? Are you not scared? You must be with strength here. Unless you are like that, you cannot go over or win in the judgment of personality.
 * Master Speaks: The Significance of the Training Session (1973-05-17)

 * The time will come, without my seeking it, that my words will almost serve as law. If I ask a certain thing, it will be done. If I don't want something, it will not be done. If I recommend a certain ambassador for a certain country, and then visit that country and that ambassador's office, he will greet me with the red carpet treatment.
 * Statement of 1974-03-24, as quoted in Investigation of Korean-American Relations : Report of the Subcommittee on International Organizations of the Committee on International Relations, U.S. House Of Representatives (31 October 1978)

 * We have had enough of white presidents. So, let's this time elect a president from the Negro race. What will you do if I say so? There's no question there. We must never forget that we are brothers and sisters in a huge human family. In any level of community, we must become like a family. Even in the Israelite nation, there were Negro people. God has mixed whites, yellow, and blacks all over the world, but especially in the United States. If you go to Israel, you will see many black people there, and you would perhaps ask them, "Are you an Israelite, too?" And he would say "Yes." Maybe in his ancestry, one of the Israelites married an African Negro. I don't know, but they are Israelites by lineage. Most of the people in Israel have black hair, but I very often found blonde hair. Then I would ask them, "Are you an Israelite, too?" And he would say "Yes." I imagine that in his ancestral line, one Israelite woman married a white man. Still, he's an Israelite.
 * Restoration Through Indemnity And America's Role 1974-03-23

 * Father thinks about the three races, yellow, black, and white. Orientals can contribute in the spiritual aspect, white people can contribute in the analytical, scientific area, while black people can contribute in the physical area-physical educational development of physical fitness, the area of health. That's one of the reasons Glenda Moody's project with black young people is very fantastic. From now on, two thirds of the athletes may come from black people. Even basketball teams have a dominant population of black people. The talented area of black people is in this physical aspect. So, the short cut for black peoples' achievement in this world is the physical area. So, Father has a special concern in this area.
 * Master Speaks: Address To Prayer And Fast Participants, Part 1, (1974-07-29)

 * Modern war has occurred primarily in the Western culture. Western culture is short-tempered in a sense, always resorting to showdowns with weapons. It originated in the cold North with hunters who killed to eat and then moved on. The tradition of Vikings and pirates is strong in Western culture, and when Western culture moves into a new territory it is accompanied by rifles and guns. You don't like to hear this because you are Westerners, but someone must wake you up.
 * New Morning of Glory (1978-01-22)

 * In daily life, which sex is usually more disruptive or problem-causing? Percentage-wise, it is usually women. What contributes to that? It is mainly because they lack perseverance.
 * Perseverance and Contemplation (1978-08-27)

 * If there is anything so precious that without it history and the world will be destroyed, where will you keep it? You will naturally want to keep it in the deepest part of your mind. If you desire to place it in the depths of your mind, it needs to be invisible. It is for this very reason that God exists as an invisible being. It is fortunate that He is invisible, for if He were visible how could a great contest to gain Him be avoided? It would be difficult for God to endure the pain of seeing it.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-1. The Will of God Translated 1980.

 * Until this day the history of restoration has been the course of being beaten and recovering. Thus, history has been made by those who were beaten and persecuted. Go where people hate to be, and where people cry sorrowfully from the depths of their hearts. There lies the bone marrow of history.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-2. The Heart of Restoration Translated 1980.

 * We leaders should leave the tradition that we have become crazy for God.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-3. Leaders Translated 1980.

 * Up until today evil has lured goodness into evil, but goodness has not been able to lure evil into goodness. This may be the reason why up to today Christianity has not been able to boldly fulfill the Will of God.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-4. Practice Translated 1980.

 * God is not stupid. Don't make excuses before Him. God will not make excuses, even though man may cause damage to His promise. You must take that degree of responsibility too.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-5. Tradition, Official Business, and Responsibility Translated 1980.

 * Anyone can keep going in an easy situation, but do you have a philosophy which can enable you to meet the worst hardship?
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-6. Suffering, Offering, and Obedience Translated 1980.

 * If you refrain from judging your worst enemy, his children will come to your side. What more severe judgment could come upon an enemy than this?
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-7. Judgement Translated 1980.

 * You should be a person who can establish the Heavenly Kingdom rather than just the one who can go there. Those who can go to heaven are those who wish to be dependent on God, but those capable of building the Kingdom are those who can let God depend on them.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 1-8. Kingdom of Heaven Translated 1980.

 * A God who fits within the confines of our conception is useless. God cannot be comprehended by man's conception or logic. God is an eternal being who transcends the framework of man's limited logic.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 2-1 God's Words Translated 1980.

 * Don't live your life as though you were measuring it with a ruler.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 2-2 Character Translated 1980.

 * Give love and forget that you gave it.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 2-3 Heart Translated 1980.

 * If you see the good in others and cover their defects with your love, they will follow you. If you see only weaknesses in others, your spirituality will be ruined.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 3-1 The Church and Church Life Translated 1980.

 * Absolute faith is not the place of self-affirmation, but the place of self-negation. Life of faith is not limited to our spiritual life. What is important is how our spiritual sensitivity is applied to our relative environment.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 3-2 Life of Faith Translated 1980.

 * If you convey God's words to someone only with the intention to utilize him in some way, you will never be able to establish the standard of the "Way." Give what you have to others with your sincere heart.
 * The Way of God's Will Chapter 3-3 Witnessing Translated 1980.

 * I would not be standing here today if my skin were white or my religion were Presbyterian. I am here today only because my skin is yellow and my religion is Unification Church. The ugliest things in this beautiful country of America are religious bigotry and racism.
 * On the tax charges against him, in a speech at Foley Square in New York City (22 October 1981); published in a full page advertisement in the The New York Times (5 November 1981), as quoted in US Court of Appeals document U.S. v. Sun Myung Moon 718 F.2d 1210 (1983)

 * Those who are the most devout, outstanding Unification Church members are they the most beautiful people externally or just so-so? Very often, those who have the features of an Idaho potato are the most loyal members of the Unification Church.
 * Our Pride 1981-12-13.

 * Only because of the striving nature of men has mankind achieved what it has so far. Men are made that way; they are designed to reach out for things which they cannot see with their eyes but can only imagine. A man naturally seeks after his dream, his ideal, while women are more concerned with the here and now rather than the future, intangible realm.
 * Ideal Family and Ideal World (1982-06-06)

 * The original language of the Divine Principle is Korean, so if you want to become a true authority on the subject you must learn Korean. What if, when you go to the Kingdom of Heaven. the only language is Korean? You would be in deep trouble! Later on. when the Unification Church becomes larger, the official language of our church will be Korean. All official conferences and meetings will be conducted in Korean.
 * Our Pledge (1982-11-21)

 * The democratic world has come to a dead end; likewise, the communist world has come to a dead end. But the Unification Church is just beginning!
 * Creation Of The Fatherland, 1984-01-01

 * When Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you," it was the mind that he was speaking about. The Kingdom of Heaven must begin within a mind which exists for the sake of the whole. Such a mind is so broad that the entire universe can be embraced by it; the whole Kingdom, including all of mankind, can come within that mind. In that case, who should be the center of your mind — the nation, the world, or God? Yes, it should be God. If your mind is embracing everything, that means you are trying to capture or embrace the mind of God.
 * Chapter 11 The Textbook of Love 1984-02-05

 * This country desperately needs a God-centered president, senators and congressmen. America's intellectual establishment is liberal, godless, secular, humanistic, and anti-religious. We are declaring war against three main enemies: godless communism, Christ-less American liberalism, and secular-humanistic morality. They are the enemies of God, the True Parents, the Unification Church, all of Christianity, and all religions. We are working to mobilize a united front against them.
 * CAUSA Seminar Speech 1985-08-29

 * 100,000 soldiers are reported to have died in the Iraqi war. If you count 100 relatives of each soldier, it means that practically there are millions of people who now have antagonism toward the white people of America. These Arab people will remember this country whose main religion is Christianity, who came and destroyed all Iraqi facilities and industry. They won't easily forget this.
 * Reverend Sun Myung Moon Speaks on New Heaven and New Earth Centering On Our Pledge 1991-03-03

 * Who hated Reverend Moon more, Christians or Jews? There is no doubt that the communists are on Satan's side, but even the religious people are now on Satan's side. The Jews and the Christians came against me and God. Clearly, the 2,000 years of suffering which Christians went through took them to a high and powerful position. But why, in a mere 40 years, have they plummeted down and been reduced to complete powerlessness? It is because they came against Reverend Moon. We look at gorgeous churches and synagogues, but now they are only 10% to 15% filled. Those who are there are old; pretty soon they will go to the grave. Then there will be no one. This is true for all religions.
 * The Reappearance of the Second Coming and the Completed Testament Era 1993-01-10 Belvedere International Training Center

 * God cannot avoid working to separate good from evil and thus reverse this situation. God is public-minded and continues on the path of living for the whole and going toward the goal of love and peace. On the other hand, Satan is selfish and individualistic. Satan is always trying to destroy the good side through hate, evil and war. His intent is to prevent earth from returning eternally to God's side.
 * "The True Family and I" Address given in 16 countries (June and July 1995)

 * The time is coming that we have to abolish the concept of separation between church and state. We need a political party centered upon religious ideology. The world of democracy is based upon the ideology of brotherhood. That is why Cain and Abel struggle exists there. Changes of power always head towards the satanic side. This democratic period in human history is passing away. Soon the heavenly sovereignty will be established to lead the world.
 * True God's Day Midnight Address, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, World Mission Center (1996-01-01)

 * Where do you want to live? When you reach your fifties and sixties and you retire, if you remain in the city you will become suffocated. Eventually you will have to travel to the ideal village which we have established and spend the rest of your life with nature and contribute as much as possible. Breathe and mingle with nature. Then end your life with nature and go and join God in the spiritual world. That will become the course of your life.
 * Where and How do You Want to Live Your Life?, (1996-06-09)

 * If the world had attended me after World War II, it would have been united within seven years, and there would have been no suffering of the Unification Church and no damage to the democratic world.
 * True God's Day (1997-01-01)

 * Charles Darwin's evolution theory states that the strong eat the weak. According to Darwin's evolution theory we are the worst people. But it is actually not so. It is a natural universal law. If we take Darwin's evolution theory literally then God is the worst kind of being. Because God planned creation in a certain way. When love is involved there is no evil. Even mother birds sacrifice their own lives for the sake of their babies.
 * TRUE DAY OF ALL THINGS AND THE INITIATOR OF HARMONY, June 5, 1997

 * Jesus Christ is trying to follow me, my footsteps, all the way. He stayed in Paradise, because he did not marry. But I gave him marriage. Don’t you want to meet the wives of Buddha, Confucius and Muhammad? They sent letters of gratitude to me from spirit world. They pledge that even if their religion disappears, they will follow me. Can you imagine anyone in this world claiming to have married those past saints? The rings I prepared for their marriage cost a great deal per couple. Did I do that because I am crazy?
 * Jae Sa gwa Adam Kwon Shidae Dorae: The Arrival of the Era of the Fourth Adam's Realm (1999-10-24)

 * That should be your determination. As a man, in your right front pants pocket is a small inside watch pocket. Keep pliers there, and when you go to the bathroom, once a day, pinch your love organ. Cut the skin a little bit as a warning. If your love organ does not listen to your conscience, then you should cut off the tip. Even if it takes that extreme measure, we have to make sure our mind and body become one.
 * Purity, Lineage and the Love Organ (of Life) (2001-02-18)

 * Looking at the Moonies from the normal, common-sense point of view, we certainly appear to be a bunch of crazy people!
 * As quoted in "Zoff off, Moon loon, and Cheat schmeat" in The Guardian (2001-09-20)

 * That's why I can dream dreams that God Himself never dreamed. I'm that kind of person. I can believe the things even God can't believe. I can do things even God can't. That's why God hated me more than Satan hated me.
 * Father's Words in Washington D.C. (2003-05-17)

 * The five great saints and many other leaders in the spirit world, including even Communist leaders such as Marx and Lenin, who committed all manner of barbarity and murders on earth, and dictators such as Hitler and Stalin, have found strength in my teachings, mended their ways and been reborn as new persons. Emperors, kings and presidents who enjoyed opulence and power on earth, and even journalists who had worldwide fame, have now placed themselves at the forefront of the column of the true love revolution. Together they have sent to earth a resolution expressing their determination in the light of my teaching of the true family ideal. They have declared to all Heaven and Earth that Reverend Sun Myung Moon is none other than humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent. This resolution has been announced on every corner of the globe.
 * Declaring the Era of the Peace Kingdom, Address to the United States Congress (2004-03-23)

 * There is no doubt that this kingdom is one that the children of God's direct lineage can reign over by upholding the heavenly decree. In other words, it is a nation in which they rule on behalf of God's commands and kingship. Democracy and communism cannot exist in such a kingdom. Once established, it will remain as an eternal state system. Considering these things, isn't it mortifying that you have not yet become the citizens of that kingdom?
 * March 4th Address (2005-03-04)

 * Beloved guests, in what form does God, the Creator of all things in the universe, exist? God exists as the dual characteristics of a subject partner in the male position and object partner in the female position. God created Adam and Eve, the first human ancestors, by dividing the male and female positions within Himself. The children of Adam and Eve were to have been created in the same pattern of male and female as a result of the union formed by Adam and Eve.
 * The Holy Marriage Blessing is the Path to Unite the Virtues of Heaven and Earth and Harmonize and Unify the Universe as One (2005-08-20)

 * Furthermore, the best way to restore humanity to the position of the children of God through conversion of lineage is through the inter-cultural “exchange” marriage blessing. It is the greatest of moral acts, creating the Heavenly lineage on a whole new level, transcending the walls of race, culture, nationality and religion. It is an act that severs all links of enmity. It is the sacred rite of the conversion of lineage, through which all can be re-created through the True Parents, the King and Queen of Peace, the substantial manifestations of God who enable Him to exercise His providence in the present world.
 * The Mission of the Clan Messiah in the Revolutionary Era after the Coming of Heaven (2006-06-01)

 * As citizens of Cheon Il Guk, please have the wisdom to protect and love nature. Return to nature and enjoy a life of liberation and complete freedom. To love nature is to love God and humanity. When human life resonates with nature, human character can blossom in perfection. The flowers of a true culture of heart, a true artistic world, will bloom. It will be the Garden of Eden, the original ideal where human beings and all creation live in complete harmony and express their original nature.
 * Cheon Il Guk is the Ideal Heavenly Kingdom of Eternal Peace (2006-06-13)

 * Japanese leaders aren't you teaching a principle that I do not teach, when you say, "I am Abel because I am a church leader. You are Cain. Cain obeys Abel. This is the Principle. So obey." There is no such principle. The person who does not fulfill his mission and become the embodiment of love is not Abel.
 *

 * Satan tried to control the world with power but created hell. That power cannot create the ideal world. God has to create the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth by true love, even to liberate hell. Based on true love, not politics or economy, scholars can change their concepts. So far, scholars have supported political authority, but that must change. Economy has supported the reigning political power, which makes for division. Now unity will come by parental love.
 * 1999,

 * I tell brides and grooms to have many children. To bear many children and raise them is God's blessing. It is unthinkable the human beings apply their own standard of judgement and arbitrarily abort precious lives given to them by God. All life born into this world embodies God's will. All life is noble and precious, so it must be cared for and protected.
 * 2009, As a Peace Loving Global Citizen

 * In particular, unification represents my purpose to bring about God’s ideal world. Unification is not union. Union is when two things come together. Unification is when two become one. “Unification Church” became our commonly known name later, but it was given to us by others. In the beginning, university students referred to us as “the Seoul Church.” I do not like using the word kyo-hoi in its common usage to mean church. But I like its meaning from the original Chinese characters. Kyo means “to teach,” and Hoi means “gathering.” The Korean word means, literally, “gathering for teaching.” The word for religion, jong-kyo, is composed of two Chinese characters meaning “central” and “teaching,” respectively. When the word church means a gathering where spiritual fundamentals are taught, it has a good meaning. But the meaning of the word kyo-hoi does not provide any reason for people to share with each other. People in general do not use the word kyo-hoi with that meaning. I did not want to place ourselves in this separatist type of category. My hope was for the rise of a church without a denomination. True religion tries to save the nation, even if it must sacrifice its own religious body to do so; it tries to save the world, even at the cost of sacrificing its nation; and it tries to save humanity, even if this means sacrificing the world. By this understanding, there can never be a time when the denomination takes precedence. It was necessary to hang out a church sign, but in my heart I was ready to take it down at any time. As soon as a person hangs a sign that says “church,” he is making a distinction between church and not church. Taking something that is one and dividing itinto two is not right. This was not my dream. It is not the path I chose to travel. If I need to take down that sign to save the nation or the world, I am ready to do so at any time.
 * 2009, As a Peaceloving Global Citizen, page 56.

 * Happiness is possible only in a relationship with a partner. Imagine that some fellow who has lived his life as a singer goes to an uninhabited island and sings as loudly as possible. If there is no one there to hear him, he will not be happy. To realize that we exist for the sake of others is the great achievement that changes our lives. When we realize that our life is not ours alone but is meant to be for the sake of the other, we begin to follow a path different from the one we were on. Just as singing to yourself will not make you happy, there is no joy without a partner. Even the smallest and most trivial thing can bring you happiness when you do it for another.
 * 2009, As a Peace-loving Global Citizen, Page 139.

Quotes about Moon

 * With the fullness of time, God has sent one person to this earth to resolve the fundamental problems of human life and the universe. His name is Sun Myung Moon. For several decades he wandered through the spirit world so vast as to be beyond imagining. He trod a bloody path of suffering in search of the truth, passing through tribulations that God alone remembers. Since he understood that no one can find the ultimate truth to save humanity without first passing through the bitterest of trials, he fought alone against millions of devils, both in the spiritual and physical worlds, and triumphed over them all. Through intimate spiritual communion with God and by meeting with Jesus and many saints in Paradise, he brought to light all the secrets of Heaven.
 * Divine Principle (translated 1966), Introduction

 * Later, the group's founder, the Rev. Sun-Myung Moon, was jailed on questionable allegations, and he took his punishment in a Connecticut prison with exemplary forbearance.
 * Kenneth Briggs, former religion editor of the New York Times, Beliefnet.com

 * Rev. Moon is presenting a very simple concept. We are all children of God.
 * Neil Bush,WTimes, Bushes Hail Rev. Moon, 2009-10-02

 * The Rev. Moon has a very good sense of humor. It's hard for me to think of a person as being mean or brainwashing people with the sense of humor he has. He truly loves people. I mean, he likes being with them. He likes being kidded-he likes being teased. I never saw a mean act on his part. He never asked for special treatment. He mopped floors and cleaned tables, and he helped other people when he was finished with his job.
 * Ed Farmer, who was an inmate in the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut along with Moon in 1983, as quoted in "Prison Life" at the Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity

 * Like most Americans, Wineburg had been unaware of the power Moon holds in our nation's politics. The reverend, who once served eleven months in prison for income tax fraud, is best known for marrying thousands of strangers in mass weddings. Those events earned him a public reputation as a spectacle-mad eccentric, but that obscures his role as a significant D.C. power broker. In fact, Moon is an important patron of the Republican party and of the conservative movement. Through his various front groups he's been a major proponent and minor recipient of Bush's faith-based funding.
 * Michelle Goldberg in 2006. Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism. 1st ed. W. W. Norton. p. 118

 * Moon believes that he is ordained by God to take over the earth, where he and his progeny have absolute power to rule politically.
 * Steven Hassan

 * We accused a newcomer to our shores of criminal and intentional wrongdoing for conduct commonly engaged in by a large percentage of our own religious leaders, namely, the holding of church funds in bank accounts in their own names. Catholic priests do it. Baptist ministers do it, and so did Sun Myung Moon. No matter how we view it, it remains a fact that we charged a non-English-speaking alien with criminal tax evasion on the first tax returns he filed in this country. It appears that we didn't give him a fair chance to understand our laws. We didn't seek a civil penalty as an initial means of redress. We didn't give him the benefit of any doubt. Rather, we took a novel theory of tax liability of less than $10,000 and turned it into a guilty verdict and eighteen months in a federal prison. I do feel strongly, after my subcommittee has carefully and objectively reviewed this case from both sides, that injustice rather than justice has been served. The Moon case sends a strong signal that if one's views are unpopular enough, this country will find a way not to tolerate, but to convict. I don't believe that you or I or anyone else, no matter how innocent, could realistically prevail against the combined forces of our Justice Department and judicial branch in a case such as Reverend Moon's.
 * US Senator Orrin Hatch, on the tax fraud and conspiracy charges against Moon, as quoted in "Prison Life" at the Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity

 * The Reverend Moon is a fundamentalist with a vengeance. He has a belief system that admits of no boundaries or limits, an all-embracing truth. His writings exhibit a holistic concern for the person, society, nature, and all things embraced by the human vision. In this sense the concept underwriting the Unification church is apt, for its primary drive and appeal is unity, urging a paradigm of essence in an overly complicated world of existence. It is a ready-made doctrine for impatient young people and all those for whom the pursuit of the complex has become a tiresome and fruitless venture.
 * Irving Louis Horowitz, Science, Sin, and Society: The Politics or Reverend Moon and the Unification Church, 1980, MIT Press

 * Father was moved to Hung Nam which was quite far from Pyongyang, together with that Mr. Kim. Father was taken to the police station on February 22nd, 1948 and was sentenced to five years' imprisonment at the trial of April 7th. He moved to Hung Nam on May 20th. He found there that many prisoners were dying because of the poor food. The hard, forced labor raised the death rate. Father felt that he would not be able to survive for five years when he saw the contents of the meals. Father knew that Heavenly Father had worked on the Providence for 6,000 years, looking for one person: Father. (Father always thought of what would happen to Heavenly Father, who had worked His Providence for 6,000 years, if Father died.) You can imagine how difficult the mission of the Messiah is if I tell you this story. Father himself knew more than anyone else the difficulty of the Messiah's mission. Once he wondered whether he could transfer the mission to anybody else or not. If he could have transferred it, he himself might have found things easier, but that person would have had to walk the difficult way that Father was walking. So he changed his mind again and decided that he would like to bear the cross, rather than make someone else go this difficult course.
 * Won Pil Kim. Father in Hung Nam Prison 1979.

 * There are, certainly, differing degrees of devotion among Moon's followers; the fact that they bow at the right moment or shout "Mansei!" in unison doesn't mean they believe everything Moon says, or do precisely what he commands. Even on important issues, like Moon's claiming to be the messiah, there are church members whom I met, including a close aide to Moon, who demur. A religious leader whom they respect and whose theology they believe, yes; the messiah, perhaps not.
 * Peter Maass, Moon at Twilight, The New Yorker September 14, 1998.

 * Rev. and Mrs. Moon boldly entered Moscow in April 1990 and had a one-on-one meeting in the Kremlin with Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev. This was another miracle to have occurred. Rev. Moon conveyed his support to Gorbachev of his policies of glasnost and perestroika. I was there to translate that extraordinary meeting. Rev. Moon persuaded Gorbachev to allow religious freedom, to allow God to enter the Soviet Union. In my opinion, this meeting was crucially important in the sight of God. It was, in a way, the beginning of a peaceful process of the demise of the Soviet empire. Rev. Moon indeed motivated Gorbachev in the direction of peaceful reform. The greatest miracle that occurred in this century was the liberation of the Soviet Union without nuclear war. The threat of nuclear war was the single greatest concern of Rev. Moon. He said, "Thank God, not a single nuclear weapon was used against mankind since 1945." Clearly, it was God who dismantled the Evil Empire.
 * Bo Hi Pak. Introduction to the Life and Work of the Rev. and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon 1996-06-17.

 * Over the past quarter century, South Korean theocrat Sun Myung Moon has been one of the Bush family’s major benefactors – both politically and financially – while enjoying what appears to be protection against federal investigations into evidence that his cult-like organization has functioned as a criminal enterprise.
 * Robert Parry. The Moon-Bush Cash Conduit 2006-06-14.

 * In Japan and Korea, "No. 1" is most often shielded from bad news by his subordinates, and lied to by those under him. It took a long time for Mr. Moon (or anyone else) to find out the full extent of the losses incurred by the Unification Church in Japan. He knows now, but continues to plan and make financial commitments on faith -- to Kim Il Sung of North Korea, among others. Mr. Moon may well be a good religious leader with high ideals, but he has also shown himself to be a poor businessman.
 * RICHARD QUEBEDEAUX Moon Church a Stranger to Academic Freedom; A Temporary Bailout?, New York Times, 1992-06-13

 * I especially appreciated Rev. Moon’s commitment to the fight against Communism. From his own first-hand, personal experience and out of his religious convictions, he understood how tragic a political and social blight that movement had been. I had been in East and West Berlin the week the Berlin Wall was erected in August 1961 and had visited communist Poland in 1965. Unfortunately, many of my liberal academic colleagues did not understand the full nature of the threat as did Rev. Moon. I was impressed with the sophistication of Rev. Moon’s anti-communism. He understood communism’s evil, but he also stood ready to meet with communist leaders such as Mikhail Gorbachev and Kim Il Sung in the hope of changing or moderating their views.
 * Richard Rubenstein. Peace King 2007

 * Mr. Speaker, the activities of the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church continue to cause distress for many of us. As you know, the House Subcommittee on International Organizations, chaired by my distinguished colleague, Donald Fraser, is investigating allegations of close ties between the Reverend Moon and some of his organizations and the South Korean government, including the KCIA. As a member of the subcommittee, I am, of course, disturbed over such allegations. My greatest concern, however, is for those young people who have been converted by these religious cults and for their parents, who have suffered the loss of their children.
 * US Congressman Leo J. Ryan, (1977-11-03), The Effects of Religious Cults on the Health and Welfare of Their Converts, United States Congressional Record, Vol. 123 Part 29, No. 181 Proceedings and Debates of 95th Congress (First Session).

 * Why trust Rev. Moon's dreams and visions of the new age and his role in it, we ask? Most converts actually have had minimal contact with him. Frederick Sontag (Sun Myung Moon and the Unification Church, Abingdon, 1977) in his interviews with Moon appears to have found a pleasant but not an overwhelming personality. Charisma, as traditionally understood, seems hardly applicable here. Rather, Moon provides a model. He suffered valiantly, he knows confidently, he prays assuredly, he lives lovingly, say his followers. The Divine Principle is not an unrealizable ideal; it is incarnate in a man, it lives, it is imitable. His truth is experienced to be their truth. His explanation of the universe becomes their understanding of themselves and the world in which they live.
 * Rodney Sawatsky, 1978, Dialogue with the Moonies Theology Today.

 * The Unification Church, its leaders and followers were and continue to be the victims of the worst kind of religious prejudice and racial bigotry this country has witnessed in over a century. Moreover, virtually every institution we as Americans hold sacred the Congress, the courts, law enforcement agencies, the press, even the U.S. Constitution itself was prostituted in a malicious, oftentimes brutal manner, as part of a determined effort to wipe out this small but expanding religious movement.
 * Carlton Sherwood, Weber Journal

 * With the Cold War's conclusion, a rush began amongst scholars, analysts, and pundits to identify the key personalities and factors that contributed to the Soviet Empire's collapse. Competing theories abounded, with key roles being assigned to Ronald Reagan, John Paul II, Mikhail Gorbachev, Norman Podhoretz, Alexander Solzhenitzyn and Sidney Hook, as well as to freedom fighters, refuseniks and populist movements such as Solidarity. In their interpretation of various events, some scholars opted to depersonalize the process, crediting the fall of the Soviet Union to phenomena such as evolving patterns of economic development and the information revolution. Among the contributions to the postmortem literature is Richard Gid Powers' Not Without Honor (1995), which professed to be "The History of American Anticommunism." Powers' 554-page opus of names and organizations omits all of the American entities associated with Reverend Moon, and denies them any role in rolling back communism in the 1970s and 80s. In the 672 pages of On the Brink: The Dramatic Behind the Scenes Saga of the Reagan Era and the Men and Women who Won the Cold War (1996), Jay Winik records a brief mention of one Moon-related organization, The Washington Times, but only in noting its early reporting on the unfolding story of Iran Contra. Accounts by Brian Crozier, Adam Ulam, Bob Woodward, and Jack Matlock, US Ambassador to the Soviet Union under President Reagan, also make no mention of Moon's efforts. Intentionally or not, Reverend Moon has been expunged from the record in spite of the adverse, critical coverage his activities received in the mainstream and alternative media when anticommunism was viewed with disdain.
 * Thomas Ward, 2006, Give and Forget

title: Sun Myung Moon