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The Simpsons/Season 16

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Treehouse of Horror XV

 * Bart: (being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos) Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
 * Homer: (eating himself on a frozen dish) You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

 * [Ned has been suffering a series of premonitions that have come true]
 * Ned: Oh Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom!? [Ned sees he is standing outside a theater performing the Rosie O'Donnell Musical. He has another premonition of the show being cancelled after three performances]
 * Ned: [scoffs] Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming!

 * Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.
 * Ned: [sighs in relief]
 * Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.
 * Ned: Oh, you stupid son of a--
 * Springfield explodes. Ned and Homer are sent to Heaven behind the gate.
 * Marge: Homer, I'm so mad at you. I bet you blew up the town just to get out cleaning the garage! Yeah, Well, the joke's on you, smart guy, the garage made it to Heaven too!

(the garage now has wings and a halo)

 * God: Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you... your Frisbee.

 * Homer: Captain!
 * Lisa: Science officer!
 * Bart: Security!
 * Marge: Marge!
 * Mr. Burns: Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

 * Flanders: What the Family Circus?

 * Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
 * Flanders: Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.
 * Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't?
 * Lisa: Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

 * Inspector Wiggum: Well, well, well, look who's here. Master Detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.
 * Dr. Bartley: What's this? A doorknob! Good show!

 * Inspector Wiggum: (after eating eel pie) We British sure eat crap.

 * Purveyor [Comic Book Guy]: You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws.

 * Bart: [spots Flanders and his sons as shrunken heads] I recognize the missionaries!
 * Flanders: I just told a Native they were having sex the wrong way.

 * Inspector Wiggum: (to Lou) Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
 * Lou: That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
 * Eddie: (without a tongue) E's 'ight 'eef.

 * Inspector Wiggum: (escaping in a hot-air balloon) You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! Ha, ha, ha! (a spaceship pops the balloon which causes it to spin away into the distance) Remember me for my police work and not the murders!

 * Marge: Why is my swimsuit so revealing?
 * Homer: Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.

 * Bart: (to Marge) Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?
 * Marge: Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.

 * Homer: You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

All's Fair in Oven War

 * Bart: [reading] Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days, but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.

 * Moe: Looks like me and Marge are both going to hell. That's when I'll make my move.

 * Marge: (reading a note from Lisa) I look up to you... because you let me down. That's clever. And devastating.

 * Bart: I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy… hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some.
 * Homer: Um… what do you think "some" is?
 * Bart: Uh… toys?

 * Homer: Hey sweetie, is mom winning?

 * Homer: [Preparing to teach Bart about sex] Son, do you know what a "boob" is?
 * Bart: Oh, yeah.
 * Homer: Oh, good. That will save us some time.

 * Homer: Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
 * Bart: Because we're poor?
 * Homer: Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...
 * [cut to outside of the treehouse; Bart can be heard screaming, and quickly runs to Milhouse's house]
 * Bart: Then the man...
 * [Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming; they run to other children's houses]
 * Marge: Then the woman...
 * [Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming, and run to two more houses, screaming and many kids run to many houses]
 * Moe: Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

 * Homer: Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else.

Sleeping With the Enemy

 * [Homer's making a sketch of himself for Lisa, in explaining "the Simpson butt"]
 * Homer: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here...(belly)...then a smaller one up here...(chest)...two big, sexy circles for eyes, one macho muzzle...then a snappy new outfit. Ooh, I'm looking good. [draws pants] Ooh, cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G". [completes sketch]

 * Bart: [when he sees Nelson helping Marge out with the garden] My mother... My bully... My God!!!

 * Nelson: A doctor for your teeth? What's next, a lawyer for your hair?

 * Nelson: He who ha-has last, ha-has best.

 * Mrs. Krabappel: Bart did get 100. I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got 100.

 * Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck-
 * [Fast forward to hours later, where everyone clearly frustrated and/or asleep]
 * Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck,-
 * Bart: Say goose, you stupid freak!
 * [Ralph runs out of the room crying]

 * Lisa: What, I'm not fat enough already?! How could you say that to me?!

 * [about Bart and Lisa to Marge]
 * Principal Skinner: They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.
 * Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in apple sauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy?
 * Principal Skinner: [quietly] Apple sauce.

 * Homer: Come on Lisa, say everything's fine. [in a squeaky girly voice] Everything's fine.
 * Lisa: That was you!
 * Homer: Prove it!

 * Homer: (to Bart) All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention in class and take notes?

 * Ralph: Bart's my bestest boyfriend.

 * Homer: (to Marge) Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.
 * Marge: It's not just the presents. The kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.
 * Homer: So they're growing up. Soon, they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then the peace of the grave.

 * Nelson: (pointing to the bats at the zoo) Haw haw! You're nocturnal!
 * Marge: You don't have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.
 * Nelson: Haw haw! I'm starting to let down my guard. Haw haw!

 * Marge: Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around the house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.
 * Nelson: Yeah, I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.
 * Marge: Oh. Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.
 * Nelson: Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the highway.
 * Marge: That's how we got our Kaypro.

 * Marge: It'll be B.L.A.M.! Bart, Lisa, and Mom! Hmmm?
 * Bart: Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse.

She Used to Be My Girl

 * Marge: You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
 * Homer: Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. (Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle) I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.
 * Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
 * Homer: It's a conversation starter. (short pause)
 * Marge: (moans)

 * Marge: I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart, stop that!
 * [Shows Bart cutting the TV with a saw]
 * Bart: This isn't what it looks like. [continues sawing]

 * Lisa: Uh oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.
 * Man #1: I'll get the spare.
 * Man #2: No! (praying) We must wait for God to jack us.

 * Homer: What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.

 * Kent Brockman: Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top, and if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

 * Chloe: Marge, where are you living now?
 * Marge: (mumbling) Evergreen Terrace.
 * Chloe: Paris? Just like you always dreamed!
 * Marge: Terrace. Evergreen Terrace. The street that smells like pee.

 * Chloe: (to Homer) I remember you in high school. You barfed in my tuba.
 * Homer: I believe it was the school's tuba.

 * Homer: (to Marge) Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink.

 * Chloe: (to Marge) Oh, that's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy!
 * Marge: I'm so sick of names!

 * Marge: (to Lisa) Lisa, honey, let me explain what happened tonight. Sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.

 * Bart: Thinking is for losers!

 * Lisa: Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!
 * Chloe: Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma!
 * Lisa: You're so smart, Chloe!
 * Chloe: Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.
 * Marge: Come on! You're out of the girl business!

Fat Man and Little Boy

 * (Bart has written "Adults suck, then you are one" on his T-shirt)
 * Marge: Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.
 * Bart: Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.
 * Marge: Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".
 * Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

 * Homer: Maybe the Internet can help me out. It sure gave some good advice on wang enhancement. Okay, www.nuclearsecrets.com. "Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone new, but are tired of the bar scene?" No! I will never tire of the bar scene!

 * (Homer has created a working nuclear reactor)
 * Lisa: Mom, Dad created a device that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And HE'S holding it!

 * Homer: Get back in the garage, old man!
 * Grampa: But there's spiders in the boxes!
 * Homer: Stay out of my boxes!

 * Bart: God, please give your daughter, the Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.

 * Bart: There's more than one way to lose a tooth! [to Nelson] Hey, idiot! You're fat! And your mom is naked on the Internet! You also smell.
 * Nelson: Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about.

 * Lisa: Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake. Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.

 * Marge: We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.
 * Homer: Yeah, nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric, single man takes an interest in their child.

 * Vendor: Mr. Retailer, over here! Your customers will love these mood lollipops. Every lick reveals your mood.
 * Apu: [lick, lick] It works, if blue is the color for unimpressed.

 * Homer: You give my son what he deserves, or I will knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!
 * Goose Gladwell: Ho-ho, I must warn you sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw are what made me CRAAAAAAZZZYYY!

Midnight Rx
(During the couch gag: the music is absent as the Simpsons sit on the couch as normal. Nothing happens. Lisa then looks at the camera)
 * Lisa: What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?
 * (Just then, a spear comes hurtling at Homer and impales him in the chest. The family stares in shock)
 * Homer: D'oh!

 ''[Homer and Grampa arrive at the border. Homer is dressed in Mexican clothing, including a sombrero]''
 * Homer: [To border patrol] Hola señor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
 * Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!
 * Homer: D'oh!

 * Mr. Burns: Fear not Smithers! I'll move Heaven and Earth to save you! It's still easier then teaching a new assistant my filing system.

 * Apu: [While they ride to Canada] Homer! Tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!
 * Ned: I was just telling him how brave he is to worship a false god.
 * Apu: I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that--[Ned pinches him] OW, ow! Okay, he just pinched me!
 * Ned: Well, where's your super team now?
 * Homer: Listen, you two! I'll you who the true God is if you're both quiet the rest of the trip!
 * [simultaneously]
 * Apu: But the infinite...
 * Ned: But the Bible says...
 * Homer: All right, I'm coming back there! [Unbuckles seatbelt and leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]
 * Apu: Save me, Shiva!
 * Ned: Why don't you just call for Hawkman?
 * Apu: Why don't you shut up?!

 * [After Homer and Grampa are arrested for smuggling in Canada]
 * Canadian Official 1: We have confiscated your car and its contents.
 * Canadian Official 2: Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et son contenu.
 * Canadian Official 1: You may leave Canada, but never return.
 * Canadian Official 2: Vous pouvez quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez plus le droit de rentrer.
 * Canadian Official 1: I am a big fat French idiot.
 * Canadian Official 2: Je suis un grand gros...--hey!
 * Canadian Official 1: Heh, heh, heh!

Mommie Beerest

 * Homer's Business Card: (Gives to Marge in case she wanted to cheat on Moe) Homer Simpson Plus Size Butt Model

 * Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
 * Marge: I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.
 * Homer: That's because I hate her.

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass

 * Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting.
 * Marge: I agree. [turns around] Hey, aren't you the crazy cat woman?
 * Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psycho-active medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
 * Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces.
 * [Crazy Cat Lady abruptly resumes her normal behavior, screaming gibberish and hurling cats]

 * Homer: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was.

 * Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

 * Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me "Comic Book Guy".
 * Ned Flanders: Well I'll just call you friend. Here's your tape, friend.

 * [We see Pac-Man & Ms. Pac-Man at the Super Bowl getting married]
 * Wedding Announcer: I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

Pranksta Rap

 * Bart: (gulps) Time to face my punishment like a man, Or... lie my way out of it like a kid!

 * Wiggum: Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
 * Lou: Sweet.
 * Wiggum: And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
 * Eddie: Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
 * Wiggum: We don't need an Eddie. (Eddie looks down in disappointment.)

There's Something About Marrying

 * Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
 * Lisa: that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! (picks up phone and dials)
 * Phone: You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

 * Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!

 * Barney: Now as the Road Runner said to the coyote. (jumps in the air mimicking the Road Runner) Beep Beep! (runs off)

 * Voice from Song: When my man and I shop for wedding gowns We were mocked and shunned and pushed around But yesterday we found a place to be gay I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town Gay-o, it's okay-o Tie the knot and spend all you dough Gay-o, come stay-o Visit our website for further info
 * Mayor Quimby: Springfield: A place where everyone can marry, even dudes! We're just off Route 202. Do NOT take the Jefferson Avenue exit. For God's sake, do not take that exit!

On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister

 * Sprawl Mart Boss: You're on fire, not like that useless old man.
 * Homer: Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.

 * Sprawl Mart Boss: If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.
 * Homer: But I'm an American citizen.
 * Sprawl Mart Boss: Oh, really, Senor Homer? (Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican)
 * Homer: Dios mio.

Goo Goo Gai Pan

 * Homer: [visiting the corpse of Mao Zedong] Aww... Look at him sleeping... He's like a little angel, that killed 50 million people. [to Mao] Yes you are! Yes you are!

 * Chinese "Bart": (the real Bart is absent) Feast on my shorts, you stupid American father!

 * Madam Wu: [after discovering Selma's scam] Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

 * Madam Wu: You may keep your baby, but you! Drop the panda!
 * [Homer is seen trying to smuggle a panda cub into his luggage]
 * Homer: But he loves me! [the panda bites Homer] OW! Why you little...! I'll endanger you! [strangles the panda]

Mobile Homer

 * Marge: I just think we should be building a nest egg.
 * Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
 * Marge: I have a book from the library with the same information!
 * Homer: Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?
 * Marge: No more directory assistance! It's not free.
 * Homer: Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
 * Marge: No more Oriental mustard!

 * Marge: Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...
 * Homer: Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
 * Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.
 * Homer: [gasps] Who told you that?
 * Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

 * Marge: And I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries! It was 20 years ago!
 * Homer: That was my Woodstock!

 * Chief Wiggum: Would you look at those Simpson kids! Last year it was razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts!
 * Lou: Uh... I'm gonna say eggs.
 * Chief Wiggum: Shut up!

 * Homer: Bring back our kids you Cyprus splitting jerks!
 * Turkish Captain: Just for that, we keep your children!
 * Homer: Will you raise them Christian?
 * Turkish Captain: Coptic Christian.
 * Homer: No!

The Seven-Beer Snitch

 * Burns: ...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.

 * Homer: (after learning that he failed the guard test) But he misread my pee!! He misread my pee!!!

 * Homer: Listen to me, this whole building is unsafe! They cut corners everywhere. People, it's a death trap!

Future-Drama

 * [Bart and Homer are flying around in an imperfect hovercar.]
 * Bart: Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?
 * Homer: I know! It's a hovercar!

 * (during the hovercar ride, Homer and Bart go through a wormhole in a cliff. They come out the other side and Bender from Futurama sits between them)
 * Bender: All right! You guys are my new best friends!
 * Homer: You wish, loser! (tosses Bender out the car, who falls to pieces when he hits the asphalt. Bart and Homer laugh as they drive away)

 * [Bart sees Smithers with a woman.]
 * Bart: Mr. Smithers? I thought you were, uh, you know, uh...
 * Smithers: No, no, I'm straight. As long as I take these injections every 10 minutes. (injects himself) I love boobies!

 * Lisa: You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!
 * Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman.
 * Moleman: [morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Don't Fear the Roofer

 * Bart: Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.

 * Marge: We're going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
 * Man Dog: Huh?
 * Marge: Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
 * Bart: Huh?
 * Marge: I'll tell you what it means when it's over, honey.

 * Ray: Look at the size of that nacho plate. I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
 * Homer: Ha ha ha ha ha, the sun.
 * Ray: Hey you want to split this?
 * Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am.

The Heartbroke Kid

 * Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.
 * Homer: Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox network fox?

 * Spangler: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy's gonna need one thing. [points to sign] Tough Luck!
 * Marge: Don't you mean tough love?
 * Spangler: Tough love? Of course! This has never made sense! The sign shop guy lied! STANLEY! YOU DIDN'T QUESTION THE WORD LUCK! NOW LOOK WHAT WE GOT! Thanks for the correction, that's part of the honesty.

 * Spangler: Son, I'm gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed. Well that is the story. I guess I shouldn't call a sentence a story, anyway IT'S YOU!

 * Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. What a minute! That's not I! (yelling) Every sign is wrong!

A Star is Torn

 * Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!
 * Disclaimer voice: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
 * Krusty: The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
 * Milhouse: (starts dialing the number) I'm coming Krusty!

 * Ralph Wiggum: A B C D E F G. [long pause] How I wonder what you are.

 * Homer: (about Cameron as he walks onstage in a flashy costume and shades) He's about to learn one of the most important lessons in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.
 * Cameron: (singing) I'm a privileged boy, it's great, I gotta tell ya. Privileged boy, my dad could buy and sell ya. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'. And then I'll go to Yale, (shows a diploma) because I am a legacy! (down on one knee and pointing at the crowd) I'm better than you!
 * Crowd: BOOOO!!
 * Carl: You SUCK, Johnny Rainbow!
 * Lenny: (as he tears up a picture of "Johnny Rainbow") I believed in you!

Thank God It's Doomsday

 * Marge: This is Marge reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday! Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk?
 * Homer: Funny story, Kent- [to the camera] IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!! GOD LOVES YOU!! HE'S GONNA KILL YOU!! [to Kent] Here's my angle: there's no way in God's Heaven I should get into God's Heaven. But maybe He'll let me in, if I warn others the Apocalypse is coming as I previously shouted.

 * Bart: Why didn't we listen to dad?!
 * Homer: The Worst part is I'll never see my Homie again!
 * Krusty: That's the Worst part? Then I'm not doing my job!

 * Homer: Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
 * God: Oh, don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning slowly]
 * Homer: He'll be fine.

 * Homer: (To God) You have just made a powerful enemy!

 * Comic Book Guy: (to Homer) Hey, Nostra-dumbass, did the Rapture come? I can't recall. In fact, I can recall, and it didn't and you suck.

 * Marge: Homer, I'm glad you're finally getting exercise. I just wish it wasn't crazy exercise.

 * Krusty: I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin!

 * Homer: The Book of Revelations has 404 verses. Add the number of people at the Last Supper minus the number of Filipinos in the Bible, and you get.

 * Nelson: Ha-ha! Life goes on.

Home Away From Homer

 * Homer: What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield...."
 * Bart: [in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"
 * Homer: Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]

 * Homer: What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star

 * [Flashback]
 * Sean: Then one day, after a drunken brawl with my da...[flashback to Sean and his father fighting]
 * Sean's father: Yer just like yer mother; can't take a punch!
 * Sean: Then, as I was picking up my teeth, St. Peter appeared to me. He said, "Sean, ya wanker. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off!" Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a lightpost.

 * Sean: We're about to play Bingo.
 * Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
 * Sean: Bingo.
 * Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
 * Sean: (sighs) Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?
 * Homer: (points) Bingo!

 * Homer: Face it, Bart, Catholics rule! We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious in-roads in Mozambique, baby!

 * Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love.
 * Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.
 * Bart Soldiers: EAT BART'S SHORTS!!!!
 * Bartman Soldiers: COWABUNGA!!!!
 * [War rages]

title: The Simpsons/Season 16


text:
User talk:200.105.153.253

~ UDScott 14:16, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:200.105.153.253


text:
User talk:Perpetualization~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
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Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Perpetualization. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Perpetualization~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:32, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:54, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Perpetualization~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Happy5214

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
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title: User talk:Happy5214


text:
User talk:Kennetht007

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
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title: User talk:Kennetht007


text:
User talk:Erixonline~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
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Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Erixonline. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Erixonline~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:22, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:47, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Erixonline~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Ralter

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Ralter


text:
User talk:Glockid

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Glockid


text:
User talk:Mcsam

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:28, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Mcsam


text:
User talk:Jeze~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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Thanks, I´m not going to write that much because I´m a swedish student and maybe my English is not so good even though my English is very good to not live in an English country. Although, I´m gladly reading quotes from people. The Swedish Wikipedia is quite good, but the Wikiquote in Sweden is too bad :(

Cheers!

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Jeze. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Jeze~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:24, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:50, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Jeze~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Minimoeboe

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
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title: User talk:Minimoeboe


text:
User talk:LuckThirteen

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:LuckThirteen


text:
User talk:Abidwasim

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Abidwasim


text:
User talk:NotJackhorkheimer

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:NotJackhorkheimer


text:
User talk:Byassine

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
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title: User talk:Byassine


text:
User talk:Haphar~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
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 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Haphar. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Haphar~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:23, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:48, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Haphar~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Dream mind~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
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 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Dream mind. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Dream mind~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:22, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:46, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Dream mind~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Lauranrg

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Lauranrg


text:
User talk:Charleenmerced~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
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 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Charleenmerced. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Charleenmerced~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:19, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:44, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Charleenmerced~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Erica~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
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 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Erica. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Erica~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:22, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:47, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Erica~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Mrlewand~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:29, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
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 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Mrlewand. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Mrlewand~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:31, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:53, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Mrlewand~enwikiquote


text:
The Simpsons/Season 12

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Treehouse of Horror XI

 * Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!
 * St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
 * Homer: Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!
 * St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
 * Homer: Well, I'll be damned.
 * St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell]

 * [Homer is sent to hell, he sees the Devil standing behind him]
 * Homer: I am Homer Simpson--
 * Devil: Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
 * Homer: (as the Devil advances on him) Oh no...! (Devil starts giving Homer a noogie)
 * Devil: Ha-ha! (continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain) Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.
 * John Wayne: [appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.

 * Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!
 * Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

 * Snorky: Arr, I'm the Sea Captain. Arr. (both laughing)

 * Lenny: [Takes a drink while swimming at night] Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!

 * Snorky: (in high child's voice) Snorky speak man... (coughs, deep voice) I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
 * Moe: What did he say!
 * Carl: He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.
 * Moe: [surprised] What?
 * Snorky: Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.
 * Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...
 * Snorky: We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.
 * Lisa: Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
 * Snorky: [gasps] That was you?
 * Homer: It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!
 * Snorky: I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!
 * Crowd: Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]
 * Moe: I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

A Tale of Two Springfields

 * Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

 * Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
 * Lisa: Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.
 * Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...
 * Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
 * Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]
 * Lisa: That says corn, Bart.
 * Bart: Must you embarrass me?

 * [Homer tries to call Animal Control but gets a special information tone]
 * Recording: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
 * Homer: Area code? But it's a local call!
 * Marge: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.
 * Homer: 9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!
 * Marge: Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
 * Homer: Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.

 * Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"
 * Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.
 * Bart: You come here a minute!
 * Homer: Oh yeah?

 * (Homer looks at his hand which reads Lenny = white, Carl = black)
 * Homer: (confused) Is that right?

Insane Clown Poppy

 * Marge: So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
 * Stephen King: Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
 * Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
 * King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, (menacingly, as dark clouds gather) and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? (thunderclap) IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!
 * Marge: Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
 * King: (cheerfully) Will do! (Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror)

 * Marge: Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".
 * Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.

 * Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!
 * Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
 * Homer: Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)

 * Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

 * (Fat Tony, Krusty, Moe, Snake and Homer are playing poker at Fat Tony's hideout)
 * Krusty: My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her -- didn't fool her for a second.
 * Homer: My uncle still has my nose.
 * Krusty: (tries to contain his excitement at having four aces with a king kicker; but his bowtie spins) Oh, what a lousy hand! I'll stand.
 * Fat Tony: I raise two Gs.
 * Moe: I'm out.
 * Snake: Fold-o-rama.
 * Homer: Can we make this hand high-low?
 * Fat Tony: No.
 * Homer: I fold.
 * Fat Tony: Krusty, are you in, or are you out?
 * Krusty: Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
 * Fat Tony: You mean ... this one? (pulls up his sleeve to show the watch)
 * Krusty: Oh yeah, right. Just let me go to my car. (leaves)
 * (Homer starts singing owimoweh from "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
 * Fat Tony: Don't do that.
 * (Krusty searches his car for valuables; he tries to pry out his car stereo with a crowbar, but sets off the car alarm, deploying the airbag and knocking him into the back seat)
 * Krusty: (groaning) The best hand of my life and I can't even - (noticing an object in the back seat) Sophie's violin. Oh no, I couldn't!
 * (The four aces in his head sing to him, reminding Krusty that Sophie won't find out about it)
 * (Back at the game, a jewelry appraiser inspects the violin)
 * Appraiser: Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof!
 * Fat Tony: It is acceptable.
 * Krusty: Then I'm in and I call! Four aces, read 'em and -
 * Fat Tony: (deadpan) Straight flush.
 * (Fat Tony puts his hand, the 2-3-4-5-6 of diamonds, on the table as Krusty looks on in horror, and takes the pot)
 * Krusty: Oh, no, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!
 * Fat Tony: (imitates playing a violin) Oh wait. Now I can do it for real. (Fat Tony plays a song on Sophie's violin in front of a distraught Krusty)

 * Homer: (As he's running from the mob shooting at him) Hey, I said I was sorry.
 * The mob: Well, in that case we'll stop. What a class act and nice guy. (They stop shooting)
 * Homer: Sorry, you are such jerks. (They begin shooting at him again)

Lisa the Tree Hugger

 * Moe: Hey, no menus!

 * Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!
 * Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!
 * Homer: [to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
 * Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
 * Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

 * Jesse: I'm a level five vegan -- I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

 * Rich Texan: [after the runaway tree destroys Hemp World] Yeehaw! Score one for the bad guys!

 * Lisa: Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]
 * Homer: Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!
 * Marge: We don't have a stash.
 * Homer: [shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

Homer vs. Dignity

 * Mr. Burns: [After Smithers told him about his musical about Malibu Stacy, a doll] Well, why not write a musical about the common cat, or the King of Siam?

 * Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?
 * Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

 * Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

 * Financial Planner: It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!
 * Chief Wiggum: Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.
 * Financial Planner: Well, what if you don't get shot?
 * Wiggum: What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
(The Springfield Police Department web page is shown.)
 * Chief Wiggum: If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.

(Homer clicks 'No'.)
 * Chief Wiggum: You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. (van symbol is shown) A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
 * Homer: Hey!
 * Chief Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!

 * Number 2: (After Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop him?
 * Scientist: Shut up! That's why!

 * (Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.)
 * Chief Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruller, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.
 * Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)
 * Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.
 * Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
 * Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!

 * Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.
 * Homer: Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.
 * Moe: No.
 * Homer: Not even a little one?
 * Moe: No!
 * Homer: What if I just whisper it?
 * Moe: No, I tells ya!

The Great Money Caper

 * Abe Simpson: This scam was in The Sting Part 2, so nobody knows about it.

 * Abe Simpson: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife!

 * Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

Skinner's Sense of Snow

 * Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
 * Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".
 * Kent Brockman: And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. (At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net)
 * Burns: He shoots, he scores!
 * Smithers: (laughs) Perfect form sir.
 * Marge: Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
 * Homer: I dunno. Internet?

 * Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)
 * Chalmers: Skinner!
 * Skinner: Well, that didn't help.

 * (Reading his permanent record)
 * Bart: 'Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing?

 * Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.
 * Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
 * Nelson: I spit on your monitors.
 * Skinner: I know. That's why the position's available.

 * [Homer and Ned are about to collide with a silo]
 * Ned: We're gonna crash!
 * Homer: Do you have air bags?
 * Ned: No! The church opposes them for some reason!

 (After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned)
 * Nelson: What was that?
 * Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.
 * Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)
 * Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)
 * Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
 * Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow mobile)
 * Chalmers: Skinner!
 * Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!
 * Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
 * Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-
 * Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.
 * Bart: There is, sir.
 * Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow mobile)

 * Bart: We're trapped in the school!
 * (Kids scream)
 * Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
 * (Kids scream louder)
 * Principal Skinner: I fixed the DVD!
 * (Kids scream even louder)

 * Skinner: Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!
 * Willie: OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!
 * Skinner: Fine, I'll do the job myself.

HOMЯ

 * Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.
 * Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

 * (Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)
 * Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
 * Homer: Animotion.
 * Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.
 * Homer: Yahoo!
 * Voice: Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.
 * Homer: Huh, what is this crap?
 * Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.
 * (Homer grins smugly)

 * Male Scientist: I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, we don't play God here!
 * Homer: That's preposterous! You do nothing but play God, and I think your octoparrot would agree!
 * Octoparrot: [squawks] Ark! Polly shouldn't be! [whistles]

 * [Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]
 * Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
 * Homer: [crashes through the window] Who wants lottery tickets?
 * Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Pokey Mom

 * Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.
 * Marge: (confused) Mecca? Uh...
 * Jack: (chuckles) I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

 * Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?
 * Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
 * Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

Worst Episode Ever

 * [Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]
 * Ralph: Everybody's hugging!

 * Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
 * Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?
 * Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!
 * (Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)
 * Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.
 * Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.
 * Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.
 * Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
 * Carl: Hey, they keep us cool in the summer pal!

Tennis the Menace

 * Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
 * Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?
 * Homer: Keep walking Flanders.
 * Flanders: Will do.
 * Homer: Faster!

 * Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
 * Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
 * Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)
 * (Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)
 * Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it's my racket.
 * Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
 * Homer: (gasps) (threatening tone) Get off my property.

 * Lisa: Dad, you are just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?
 * Homer: Maybe five bucks will refresh my memory...
 * Lisa: (groaning) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
 * Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!

Day of the Jackanapes

 * Marge: I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.
 * Smithers: (walks in tired) Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
 * (the family stares blankly at Smithers)

 * Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotize Bart
 * Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.
 * Bart: I am at your command.
 * Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
 * Bart: I am in your power.
 * Sideshow Bob: Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

 * Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old archenemy.
 * Bart: I thought I was your archenemy?
 * Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

 * Sideshow Bob: Ah, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownaparte!
 * Techie: Ugh, terrible!
 * Sideshow Bob: Oh, hush up, Leo.

New Kids on the Blecch

 * Bart: Who are you?
 * L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.
 * Bart: [reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror] Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.
 * L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

 * L.T. Smash: I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!
 * [someone spins a chair around to reveal Milhouse, with a new haircut and hipper clothing]
 * Milhouse: What up, G-money?
 * L.T. Smash: Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.
 * [spins chair to reveal Nelson]
 * Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?
 * Ralph: [spins his own chair around] Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

 * Lisa takes off a '.' sticker on L.T. Smash's name sign and gasps
 * Lisa: Lt. Smash!
 * L.T. Smash: Yeah, that's right. Lt. L.T. Smash.

 * Lisa: How could you ruin the good name of Star Blitzzz! Productions?

 * L.T. Smash: It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
 * Lisa: Super liminal?
 * L.T. Smash: I'll show you.... (Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl) HEY YOU! Join the navy!
 * Carl: Yeah, alright.
 * Lenny: I'm in!

Hungry, Hungry Homer

 * Howard K. Duff: Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.
 * Homer: (Suspicious) Will this erase my memory?
 * Howard K. Duff: No, of course not.
 * (Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses)
 * Howard K. Duff: (sipping the beer). Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!
 * (Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally)

 (Homer's protest song)
 * Homer (weakly): Dancing away my hunger pangs
 * Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt
 * I'm kinda like Jesus
 * But not in the sacrilegious way

 (Nighttime, day 9 of his hunger strike, an emaciated Homer sits in his chair and weakly waves his sign as the crowd cheers the game.)
 * Homer: Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares!

(Homer spots a stray pretzel not too far from him. Desperately, he falls to his hands and knees and crawls toward the pretzel, only to stop when it gets stepped on by the foot of a ghostly figure.)
 * Homer: Who are you?
 * Spirit of César Chávez: The spirit of César Chávez.
 * Homer: Why do you look like César Romero?
 * Spirit of César Chávez: Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
 * Homer: Why are you here?
 * Spirit of César Chávez: To tell you not to give up.
 * Homer: Oh, but I wanna!

(From the main office, Howard K. Duff and his assistants watch Homer talking to thin air.)
 * Assistant 1: He's talking to himself, sir.
 * Assistant 2: And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
 * Howard K. Duff: Hmm, yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

(The next morning, Homer is snoring when Duff's assistants unchain him and grab his arms)
 * Assistant 1: Okay, skinny, on your feet.
 * Homer: Huh? What's happening? Did I crush your evil plan?
 * Howard K. Duff: No, you're being replaced.

(The crowd boos as Homer is escorted away.)
 * Announcer: And now, taking over for Hungry, Hungry Homer, let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!

(The eponymous Pete cheerfully walks onto the field and holds up a bucket of blue paint before downing it. As he falls to the ground, choking and spasming, the crowd cheers)

 (The day after Homer has been moved to the stadium, a game is played while Homer runs from side to side, waving his sign 'Hungry For The Truth!'.)
 * Announcer: Folks, it's time to meet a real super-fan: Hungry, Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike 'til the 'Topes win the pennant!

(The crowd cheers.)
 * Homer: What? No! That's not the reason! They're moving the team to Albuquerque!
 * Announcer: That's right, folks, go, 'Topes!

(The crowd cheers again. Homer slumps into his chair.)
 * Homer: Oh, all this hunger for nothing!
 * Vendor: Get your Duck!! Fresh, crispy Peking Duck!
 * Otto: Hey, duck man! Over here!

(Vendor throws Otto a duck)
 * Otto: (eating) Mmmm. (almost orgasmically) Mmmmmm!

(Homer suddenly picks up every sound the crowd makes while eating their snacks.)
 * Homer: Do they have to chew so loud?!

 * Marge: It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?
 * Assistant 1: Death is a natural part of baseball, ma'am.
 * Assistant 2: Oh yeah, the main part.
 * Howard K. Duff: Guys. Uh, we won't let anything happen to your husband, Mrs Simpson. He's in good hands.
 * Marge: (looking at Homer through a telescope) He's not moving!

(From Marge's POV, we see Homer lying on his back, eyes closed, mouth open. His white shirt is now stained greyed and frayed around the edges, and his pants are being held up by rope. Flies buzz around him.)
 * Howard K. Duff: He's probably just resting after all the moving he did before you got here. (Aside) Turn on the sprinklers.

(The sprinklers turn on, causing Homer to moan weakly and roll over onto his front)
 * Howard K. Duff: See? He's fine.

(Marge grumbles in frustration)

 * Howard K. Duff: Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
 * Homer: Oh, me so hungy.
 * Howard K. Duff: Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?
 * Homer: (Smells the hot dog.) Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! (The crowd gasps.) Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... (Grabs the microphone.) Albuquerque!

(The crowd gasps even more.)
 * Lenny: He's right.
 * Moe: Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes
 * Sideshow Mel: Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!

(Everyone starts getting angry at Howard.)
 * Howard K. Duff: Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.
 * Homer: Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!
 * Crowd: Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
 * Howard K. Duff: Get him out of here!

(Duffman proceeds to get Homer out of the fields.)
 * Homer: Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.

(Duffman repeatedly turns to Howard and Homer.)
 * Duffman: New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?

 * Homer: The truth never tasted so good!

(Everyone cheers.)
 * Bart: Way to go, Slim!

 * Albuquerque Mayor: See how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys..
 * Assistant: That's a football team, sir.
 * Albuquerque Mayor: They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

Bye Bye Nerdie

 * Lisa: I was wondering if you bullies would be interested in some bodyguard work?
 * Nelson: Heh, that's funny. We were just talking about going into the protection business.
 * Kearney: We're offering a lunch-and-recess package that's very affordable.

 * Lisa: I had no idea you knew so much about bullying.
 * Nelson: Oh, yeah, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

 * [Francine is going on a rampage beating up every scientist in sight]
 * Francine: SUCK FIST, DOCTOR DORK!

 * Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! It's a mighty puddle of puke!
 * Wendell: I'm sorry.
 * Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, that's all right lad. It reminds me why I got into this buissness. [salutes him]

Simpson Safari

 * Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

 * Bag Boy 1: [Homer keeps poking him with a baguette, trying to get him to go faster] Can you please-- Ow! Stop? Bag boys had feelings too, you know?
 * Homer: No, you don't.

 * Homer: 'Sulfur jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?
 * Marge: Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.

 * Homer: Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
 * [a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams]
 * Homer: Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Trilogy of Error

 * Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
 * Marge: I just cut off my husband's thumb!
 * Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
 * Marge: It was an accident!
 * Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
 * Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.
 * Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

 * Dr. Nick Riviera: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

 * [as Homer walks to Shelbyville]
 * Homer: [gets his severed thumb out of the pickle jar, groans] It's too late. [throws away Moe's jar of pickles] Well, old friend. We always knew this day would come. Say goodbye to your brother.
 * [The robot explodes from distant, Linguo's head lands near him.]
 * Homer: What the hell?! [picks up Linguo and gasps] Linguo! Dead?!
 * Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [powers down]
 * [Homer closes Linguo's eyes.]

I'm Goin' to Praiseland

 * Rich Texan: May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.
 * Homer: Christ be with you.

Children of a Lesser Clod

 * Marge: That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.
 * Moleman: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
 * Employee: That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]

 * Homer: But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run!
 * [Homer gets up out of his wheelchair, but his leg snaps and lays on the floor while yelling in pain.]

 * Homer: [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a chain mace] I'll mace you good!
 * Bart: Aargh!!
 * Homer: [turns red with anger] Hey! That is completely taken out of context.

 * (Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd)
 * Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?
 * Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
 * Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

 * Arnie Pie: (describing Homer's actions) He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
 * Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
 * Arnie Pie: I can't see through metal, Kent!

 * [Before the credits roll, there is a post credits scene. Rod shows up.]
 * Rod: Th-th-th-that's…
 * Homer: (throws Rod out the stage) Oh no, you don't! Sorry, 6 days of hogging the end title is enough! Th-th-th-that's all, folks! (A stop sign hits him.) Fade out!
 * [The screen fades to black again. The names of the executive producers appear.]

title: The Simpsons/Season 12