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George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax

George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax (November 11, 1633 – April 5, 1695) was an English statesman, writer, and politician.

Quotes

 * Our nature hardly allows us to have enough of anything without having too much.
 * On Dr. Gilbert Burnet (1643-1715), Bishop of Salisbury : as cited in The Library of Literary Criticism of English and American Authors: 1639-1729, ed. Charles Wells Moulton, H. Malkan (1910) p. 591.

The Anatomy of an Equivalent (1688)

 * Every single Act either weakeneth or improveth our Credit with other Men ; and as an habit of being just to our Word will confirm, so an habit of too freely dispensing with it must necessarily destroy it.
 * The Anatomy of an Equivalent : from The Complete Works of George Savile, First Marquess of Halifax (1912), ed. Sir Walter Alexander Raleigh, Clarendon Press p. 123.

The Lady's New Year's Gift: or Advice to a Daughter (1688)

 * A Husband without Faults is a dangerous Observer.

 * In your Clothes avoid too much Gaudy ; do not value your self upon an Imbroidered Gown ; and remember, that a reasonable Word, or an obliging Look, will gain you more respect, than all your fine Trappings.

 * Remember that Children and Fools want every thing because they want Wit to distinguish: and therefore there is no stronger Evidence of a Crazy Understanding, than the making too large a Catalogue of things necessary, when in truth there are so very few things that have a right to be placed in it.

 * A Princely Mind will undo a private Family.

 * Love is a Passion that hath Friends in the Garrison.

 * The Triumph of Wit is to make your good Nature subdue your Censure; to be quick in seeing Faults, and slow in exposing them. You are to consider, that the invisible thing called a Good Name, is made up of the Breath of Numbers that speak well of you; so that if by a disobliging Word you silence the meanest, the Gale will be less strong which is to bear up your Esteem.

 * The sight of a drunkard is a better sermon against that vice than the best that was ever preached on that subject.

A Character of King Charles II (1750)

 * A very great Memory often forgetteth how much Time is lost by repeating things of no Use.
 * On King Charles II’s memory.

Political Thoughts and Reflections

 * The People are never so perfectly backed, but that they will kick and fling if not stroked at seasonable times.
 * Of Fundamentals.

 * A Prince who will not undergo the Difficulty of Understanding, must undergo the Danger of Trusting.
 * Of Princes.

 * Nothing is less forgiven than setting Patterns Men have no mind to follow.
 * Princes (their Rewards of Servants).

 * Men are so unwilling to displease a Prince, that it is as dangerous to inform him right, as to serve him wrong.
 * Princes (their Rewards of Servants).

 * Most Mens' Anger about Religion is as if two Men should quarrel for a Lady they neither of them care for.
 * Religion.

 * When the People contend for their Liberty, they seldom get any thing by their Victory but new Masters.
 * Of Prerogative, Power and Liberty.

 * Laws are generally not understood by three sorts of persons, viz. by those who make them, by those who execute them, and by those who suffer, if they break them.
 * Of Laws.

 * If the Laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the Lawyers in the first Place.
 * Of Laws.

 * The best Party is but a kind of Conspiracy against the rest of the Nation. They put every body else out of their Protection. Like the Jews to the Gentiles, all others are the Offscowrings of the World.
 * Of Parties.

 * Men are not hang'd for stealing Horses, but that Horses may not be stolen.
 * Of Punishment.

 * Malice is of a low Stature, but it hath very long Arms.
 * Of Malice and Envy.

 * The best way to suppose what may come, is to remember what is past.
 * Miscellaneous Thoughts and Reflections.

 * Anger is never without an Argument, but seldom with a good one.
 * Of Anger.

Moral Thoughts and Reflections

 * There is Reason to think the most celebrated Philosophers would have been Bunglers at Business ; but the Reason is because they despised it.

 * Popularity is a Crime from the Moment it is sought ; it is only a Virtue where Men have it whether they will or no.

 * No Man is so much a Fool as not to have Wit enough sometimes to be a Knave ; nor any so cunning a Knave, as not to have the Weakness sometimes to play the Fool.

 * In this Age, when it is said of a Man, He knows how to live, it may be imply’d he is not very honest.

 * It is Ill-manners to silence a Fool, and Cruelty to let him go on.

 * Most men make little other use of their Speech than to give evidence against their own Understanding.

 * Hope is generally a wrong Guide, though it is very good Company by the way. It brusheth through Hedge and Ditch till it cometh to a great Leap, and there it is apt to fall and break its Bones.

 * Malice is of a low Stature, but it hath very long Arms. It often reacheth into the next World, Death itself is not a Bar to it.

 * Malice, like Lust, when it is at the Height, doth not know Shame.

 * The vanity of teaching often tempteth a Man to forget he is a Blockhead.

 * The first mistake belonging to business is the going into it.

 * Men make it such a point of honour to be fit for business that they forget to examine whether business is fit for a man.

 * It is not a reproach but a compliment to learning, to say, that great scholars are less fit for business; since the truth is, business is so much a lower thing than learning, that a man used to the last cannot easily bring his stomach down to the first.

 * If Men considered how many Things there are that Riches cannot buy, they would not be so fond of them.

 * They who are of opinion that Money will do every thing, may very well be suspected to do every thing for Money.

 * Money hath too great a Preference given to it by States, as well as by particular Men.

 * A Little Learning misleadeth, and a great deal often stupifieth the Understanding.

 * When by habit a man cometh to have a bargaining soul, its wings are cut, so that it can never soar. It bindeth reason an apprentice to gain, and instead of a director, maketh it a drudge.

 * Weak men are apt to be cruel.

 * Folly is often more cruel in the consequence, than malice can be in the intent.

 * The condition of mankind is to be weary of what we do know, and afraid of what we do not.

Miscellaneous Thoughts and Reflections

 * Modesty is oftner mistaken than any other Virtue.

 * Men who borrow their Opinions can never repay their Debts. They are Beggars by Nature, and can therefore never get a Stock to grow rich upon.

 * A Man is to go about his own Business as if he had not a Friend in the World to help him in it.

 * If Men would think how often their own Words are thrown at their Heads, they would less often let them go out of their Mouths.

 * A man that should call every thing by its right Name, would hardly pass the Streets without being knock'd down as a common Enemy.

 * A Man may so overdo it in looking too far before him, that he may stumble the more for it.

 * He that leaveth nothing to chance will do few things ill, but he will do very few things.

 * A wise man will keep his Suspicions muzzled, but he will keep them awake.

 * Suspicion seldom wanteth Food to keep it up in Health and Vigour. It feedeth upon every thing it seeth, and is not curious in its Diet.

 * MANY Men swallow the being cheated, but no Man could ever endure to chew it.

 * Men take more pains to hide than to mend themselves.

 * THE best way to suppose what may come, is to remember what is past.

 * The best Qualification of a Prophet is to have a good Memory.

 * Some Mens Memory is like a Box, where a Man should mingle his Jewels with his old Shoes.

 * A Man may dwell so long upon a Thought, that it may take him Prisoner.

 * Half the Truth is often as arrant a Lye, as can be made.

 * It is a general Mistake to think the Men we like are good for every thing, and those we do not, good for nothing.

 * A Man who is Master of Patience, is Master of everything else.

 * Nothing hath an uglier Look to us than Reason, when it is not of our side.

 * MISPENDING a Man's time is a kind of self-homicide, it is making Life to be of no use.

 * Nothing would more contribute to make a Man wise, than to have always an Enemy in his view.

Quotes about Halifax

 * Among the statesmen of those times Halifax was, in genius, the first. His intellect was fertile, subtle, and capacious. His polished, luminous, and animated eloquence, set off by the silver tones of his voice, was the delight of the House of Lords. His conversation overflowed with thought, fancy, and wit. His political tracts well deserve to be studied for their literary merit, and fully entitle him to a place among English classics. To the weight derived from talents so great and various he united all the influence which belongs to rank and ample possessions. Yet he was less successful in politics than many who enjoyed smaller advantages. Indeed, those intellectual peculiarities which make his writings valuable frequently impeded him in the contests of active life. For he always saw passing events, not in the point of view in which they commonly appear to one who bears a part in them, but in the point of view in which, after the lapse of many years, they appear to the philosophic historian. With such a turn of mind, he could not long continue to act cordially with any body of men. All the prejudices, all the exaggerations, of both the great parties in the state moved his scorn. He despised the mean arts and unreasonable clamours of demagogues. He despised still more the doctrines of divine right and passive obedience. He sneered impartially at the bigotry of the Churchman and at the bigotry of the Puritan. He was equally unable to comprehend how any man should object to Saints' days and surplices, and how any man should persecute any other man for objecting to them. In temper he was what, in our time, is called a Conservative: in theory he was a Republican. Even when his dread of anarchy and his disdain for vulgar delusions led him to side for a time with the defenders of arbitrary power, his intellect was always with Locke and Milton. Indeed, his jests upon hereditary monarchy were sometimes such as would have better become a member of the Calf's Head Club than a Privy Councillor of the Stuarts. In religion he was so far from being a zealot that he was called by the uncharitable an atheist: but this imputation he vehemently repelled; and in truth, though he sometimes gave scandal by the way in which he exerted his rare powers both of reasoning and of ridicule on serious subjects, he seems to have been by no means unsusceptible of religious impressions.
 * Thomas Macaulay, The History of England from the Accession of James the Second, Volume I, ed. C. H. Firth (1913), pp. 232-234

 * He was the chief of those politicians whom the two great parties contemptuously called Trimmers. Instead of quarrelling with this nickname, he assumed it as a title of honour, and vindicated, with great vivacity, the dignity of the appellation. Everything good, he said, trims between extremes. The temperate zone trims between the climate in which men are roasted and the climate in which they are frozen. The English Church trims between the Anabaptist madness and the Papist lethargy. The English constitution trims between Turkish despotism and Polish anarchy. Virtue is nothing but a just temper between propensities any one of which, if indulged to excess, becomes vice. Nay, the perfection of the Supreme Being himself consists in the exact equilibrium of attributes, none of which could preponderate without disturbing the whole moral and physical order of the world. Thus Halifax was a Trimmer on principle. He was also a Trimmer by the constitution both of his head and of his heart. His understanding was keen, sceptical, inexhaustibly fertile in distinctions and objections; his taste refined; his sense of the ludicrous exquisite; his temper placid and forgiving, but fastidious, and by no means prone either to malevolence or to enthusiastic admiration. Such a man could not long be constant to any band of political allies. He must not, however, be confounded with the vulgar crowd of renegades. For though, like them, he passed from side to side, his transition was always in the direction opposite to theirs. He had nothing in common with those who fly from extreme to extreme, and who regard the party which they have deserted with an animosity far exceeding that of consistent enemies. His place was on the debatable ground between the hostile divisions of the community, and he never wandered far beyond the frontier of either. The party to which he at any moment belonged was the party which, at that moment, he liked least, because it was the party of which at that moment he had the nearest view. He was therefore always severe upon his violent associates, and was always in friendly relations with his moderate opponents. Every faction in the day of its insolent and vindictive triumph incurred his censure; and every faction, when vanquished and persecuted, found in him a protector. To his lasting honour it must be mentioned that he attempted to save those victims whose fate has left the deepest stain both on the Whig and on the Tory name.
 * Thomas Macaulay, The History of England from the Accession of James the Second, Volume I, ed. C. H. Firth (1913), pp. 234-235

title: George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax


text:
User:Lady Aleena

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title: User:Lady Aleena


text:
Khaled Mashal

Khaled Mashal (born 28 May 1956), also known as "Khaled Mashaal", is a former leader of Hamas, the Islamist political and military organization currently governing the Gaza Strip of the Palestinian territories.

2005

 * Who can tell, my brothers and sisters, when we will celebrate on this podium, the liberation of the West Bank? When will we celebrate the liberation of Jaffa, Haifa, Safed, and the Negev? When will we celebrate the departure of the last Zionist from our land? Yes. Some people ask when this will happen. Say: It could be soon. Such is our faith in Allah. We have no doubt that victory will come, and that just as we liberated Palestine from the Crusaders and from the Mongols, we will regain it – pure and purified - from the Zionist occupiers.
 * Cited in Hamas Leaders Speaking at Damascus Rally: We Shall Regain Safed, Beit Shean, Tiberias, Ashkelon, and Lod at memritv.org (30 December 2005): Mashal adresses the crowd in a rally

2006

 * When Israel says that it will recognise Palestinian rights and will withdraw from the West Bank and East Jerusalem and grant the right of return, stop settlements and recognise the rights of the Palestinians to self-determination - only then will Hamas be ready to take a serious step.
 * Cited in "Transcript: Khaled Meshaal interview", BBC News (8 February 2006): Khaled Meshaal, tells the BBC's Middle East editor, Jeremy Bowen, that his organisation is ready to offer a long-term truce to Israel - as long as certain Palestinian rights are honoured.

Address at the Al-Murabit Mosque in Damascus (2006)

 * The address was delivered following the Friday sermon at the mosque and was aired on Al-Jazeera TV on February 3, 2006. Transcript

 * I bring good tidings to our beloved Prophet Muhammad: Allah's promise and the Prophet's prophecy of our victory in Palestine over the Jews and over the oppressive Zionists has begun to come true.

 * Tomorrow, our nation will sit on the throne of the world. This is not a figment of the imagination, but a fact. Tomorrow we will lead the world, Allah willing. Apologize today, before remorse will do you no good. Our nation is moving forwards, and it is in your interest to respect a victorious nation.

 * Before Israel dies, it must be humiliated and degraded. Allah willing, before they die, they will experience humiliation and degradation every day. America will be of no avail to them. Their generals will be of no avail to them. The last of their generals has been forgotten. Allah has made him disappear. He's over. Gone is that Sharon, behind whose back they would hide and find shelter, and with whom they would feel relatively secure. Today they have frail leaders, who don't even know where our Lord placed them. Allah willing, we will make them lose their eyesight, we will make them lose their brains.

 * I say to America, Europe, and the West: It is in your interests to change your relations and policies regarding the Arab and Islamic nation and the Palestinian cause. Because we are winning, it is in your interests to deal with the victors, not the losers.

 * Israel will be defeated and will be of no use to you. The Arabs will be victorious. The Muslims will be victorious. Palestine will be victorious. Change your policy soon, if you want to protect your interests, and maintain healthy relations with the East.

2007

 * Israel is there, it is part of the United Nations and we do not deny its existence. But we still have rights and land there which have been usurped and until these matters are dealt with we will withhold our recognition.
 * Cited in Hamas leader acknowledges 'reality' of Israel at Theguardian.com, 10 January, 2007: Hamas accepts the existence of the state of Israel but will not officially recognise it until the establishment of a Palestinian state in the West Bank and Gaza.

 * As a Palestinian today I speak of a Palestinian and Arab demand for a state on 1967 borders. It is true that in reality there will be an entity or state called Israel on the rest of Palestinian land. This is a reality, but I won't deal with it in terms of recognising or admitting it.
 * Cited in Hamas softens Israel stance in calls for Palestinian state at Independent.co.uk, 11 January 2007: Mashal on Israel recent work in another interview.

 * I say that what Israel did to the Palestinian people is many times worse than what Nazism did to the Jews, and there is exaggeration, which has become obsolete, regarding the issue of the Holocaust. We do not deny the facts, but we will not give in to extortion by exaggeration.
 * "Hamas Leader Khaled Mash'al Praises Sheik Yousef Al-Qaradhawi for His Support of Suicide Operations and States: The Holocaust Was Exaggerated and Is Used to Extort Germany. Zionist Holocaust against Arabs Much Worse", video clip, July 2007

2008

 * The U.S. alleges it wants to democratize [the Middle East] whilst it seeks to reverse election results not legally or through polls, but by force, fostering chaos and supporting, financing and arming the corrupt.
 * Al Jazeera Talk to Jazeera - Khaled Meshaal March 5, 2008.

About

 * I don't believe that he's a terrorist. He's strongly in favor of the peace process.
 * Jimmy Carter, the former U.S. President (5 May 2015).

title: Khaled Mashal


text:
Jean Racine

Jean Racine (December 22, 1639 – April 21, 1699) was a French dramatist, one of the "big three" of 17th century France (along with Molière and Pierre Corneille). Racine was primarily a tragedian, though he did write one comedy.

(1667)

 * Je l'ai trop aimé pour ne le point haïr!
 * I loved him too much not to hate him at all!
 * Hermione, act II, scene I.

Britannicus (1669)

 * Derrière un voile, invisible et présente, J'étais de ce grand corps l'âme toute-puissante.
 * Behind a veil, unseen yet present, I was the forceful soul that moved this mighty body.
 * Agrippine, Britannicus, (1669), act I, scene I.

(1669)

 * ''Ce que je sais le mieux, c'est mon commencement.
 * What I know best is the beginning (of my speech).
 * Petit Jean, the porter, Act III, scene III.
 * Classical and Foreign Quotations, 3rd ed. (1904), no. 274

Bérénice (1670)

 * Vous êtes empereur, Seigneur, et vous pleurez!
 * You are Emperor, my lord, and yet you weep?
 * Bérénice, act IV, scene V.

Bajazet'' (1672)

 * Mon unique espérance est dans mon désespoir.
 * My only hope lies in my despair.
 * Atalide, act I, scene IV.

Mithridate (1673)

 *  Jamais on ne vaincra les Romains que dans Rome.
 * Never will the Romans be conquered but in Rome.
 * Mithridates, act III, scene I.
 * Classical and Foreign Quotations, 3rd ed. (1904), no. 1160

(1674)

 * Un bienfait reproché tient toujours lieu d’offense.
 * To reproach a man with favours conferred is tantamount to an affront.
 * Agamemnon, act IV, scene VI.
 * Classical and Foreign Quotations, 3rd ed. (1904), no. 220

Phèdre (1677)

 * Tout m'afflige et me nuit, et conspire à me nuire.
 * All afflicts and injures me, and conspires to my injury.
 * Phèdre, act I, scene III.

 * Ariane, ma sœur, de quel amour blessée, Vous mourûtes aux bords où vous fûtes laissée.
 * Ariane, my sister, wounded by what love, You died on the shores where you were abandoned.
 * Phèdre, act I, scene III.

 * C'est toi qui l'as nommé.
 * You have named him, not I.
 * Phèdre, act I, scene III.

 * Ce n'est plus une ardeur dans mes veines cachée: C'est Vénus tout entière à sa proie attachée.
 * It is no longer a passion hidden in my heart: It is Venus herself fastened to her prey.
 * Phèdre, act I, scene III.

 * L'innocence enfin n'a rien à redouter.
 * Innocence has nothing to dread.
 * Hippolyte, act III, scene VI.

 * Ainsi que la vertu, le crime a ses dégrés; Et jamais on n'a vu la timide innocence Passer subitement à l'extrême licence.
 * Crime, like virtue, has its degrees; And timid innocence was never known To blossom suddenly into extreme license.
 * Hippolyte, act IV, scene II.

Athalie (1691)

 * Pour réparer des ans l'irréparable outrage.
 * To repair the irreparable ravages of time.
 * Athalie, act II, scene V.

 * Aux petits des oiseaux il donne leur pâture, Et sa bonté s’étend sur toute la nature.
 * For the hungry young nestlings His providence fends, And over all nature His goodness extends.
 * Joas, act II, scene VII.
 * The parody of the second line, Mais sa bonté s’arrête à la littérature, ("But His bounty draws the line at authors"), is ascribed to Léon Gozlan in Maxime du Camp’s Souvenirs Littéraires, i, 226. R. Alexandre, Musée de la Conversation, 3rd ed. (1897), p. 353. W. F. H. King, Classical and Foreign Quotations, 3rd ed. (1904), no. 201

 * Hâtons-nous aujourd'hui de jouir de la vie. Qui sait si nous serons demain?
 * Today, let us make haste to enjoy life. Who knows if we will be tomorrow?
 * Athalie, act II, scene IX.

 * Dieu des Juifs, tu l'emportes!
 * God of the Jews, you prevail!
 * Athalie, act V, scene VI.

title: Jean Racine


text:
Peter Wentz

Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III (born 5 June 1979) is the bassist, backing vocalist, and primary lyricist of Chicago-based band Fall Out Boy.

"This Charming Man," interview, Out.com (August 2008)
Interviewer: Shana Naomi Krochmal.
 * Whenever you say that homophobia is stupid, you just get called gay.

 * When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was.

 * I have a bit of a consummate victim in my head. That’s who I identify with throughout history. When I was 10 I would draw black eyes on myself because I thought it was cool. You’re so into people who are tragic. You want to be that so badly. But you probably aren’t really the tragic genius that you think you are.

 * Our culture bombards us with this idea that you’re not that, and if you are that, there’s something wrong with you, and then we’re going to call you that, and then it’s an insult. There is a sense of self-empowerment or recapturing who you are by people calling you ‘fag,’ and being like, ‘Yeah, I am a fag.’ Even though you’re not. What does somebody respond? That dude has nothing to say about that again.

 * Being ambiguously flamboyant really does help. I’ve had so many people come up to me and be like, ‘I felt OK to come out of the closet after you said this.’ When someone says that to me -- it’s not an event I’ve ever been through, so I don’t know what to compare it to. I don’t think I even understand how important that is to someone’s life.

FallOutBoyRock.com

 * Q: X-ray vision or bionic hearing? A: It's easy to hear people talking shit. I'd rather check out Patrick in his boxers with little heart prints on 'em. So vision I guess.
 * http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_system_id=3 Fall Out Boy Rock Q&A section. Question from April 28, 2007.

 * Q: Will Fall Out Boy ever become Fall Out Man? A: The chest hair is in the mail. So hopefully we will in four to six weeks. depending on shipping.
 * http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_system_id=3 Fall Out Boy Rock Q&A section. Question from April 13, 2007.

title: Peter Wentz


text:
User talk:66.41.74.13

~ Kalki 04:25, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:66.41.74.13


text:
The Good Girl

The Good Girl is a 2002 American drama film about a discount store clerk who strikes up an affair with a stock boy who considers himself the incarnation of Holden Caulfield.
 * Directed by Miguel Arteta. Written by Mike White.

It's her last best chance... is she going to take it?

Justine Last

 * [to Holden] I was looking at you in the store and I liked how you kept to yourself. I saw in your eyes that you hate the world. I hate it too.
 * After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you'd better think 'em. Has a special fate been calling you and you're not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you're not reading it? Is this your last best chance? Are you going to take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?
 * You're a writer so you have yourself a goal, I guess. I used to, you know, lay in bed and imagine other cities, other jobs I could have; other husbands. Now I don't even know what to imagine anymore.
 * As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape.
 * How it all came down to this, only the Devil knows. Retail Rodeo is at the corner on my left. The motel is down the road to my right. I close my eyes and try to peer into the future. On my left, I saw days upon days of lipstick and ticking clocks, dirty looks and quiet whisperings. And burning secrets that just won't ever die away. And on my right, what could I picture? The blue sky, the desert earth, stretching out into the eerie infinity. A beautiful never-ending nothing.
 * I thought if I died today what would happen to me? A hateful girl... A selfish girl... An adulteress... A liar.

Thomas 'Holden' Worther

 * [in a letter] Dear Justine, because of you I'll be quitting the Retail Rodeo. The last two days have been the most godawful of my life. I have not been able to get rid of you in my head. I'll never want anything so bad, and I've wanted many things. I'd given up long ago on being 'gotten' by someone else, and then you came along. The idea that I could be gotten because of circumstance, or never get got, is the worst feeling I've ever felt, and I have felt many bad feelings. I'm sorry I can never see you again Justine, forgive me for being so weak, but that's who I am. Goodbye, Holden. If for some reason, you could change your mind and wanna be with me, body and soul, meet me after work. I will be waiting for you at 5pm outside Chuckie Cheese. If you are not there at five, you will never see me again in your lifetime.

Cheryl

 * Attention, shoppers. There's a Retail Rodeo special on aisle 3. Liquid Drain Cleaner, 2 12-ounce cans for $5.00. Liquid Drain Cleaner has churning power and it will churn right through your pipes. Ladies, you need female plumbing. Shove something clean and new up your filthy pipes. That's Liquid Drain Cleaner on aisle 3. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Retail Rodeo.

Others

 * Corny: It's a church. You can't make water without bumping your nut on a bible.
 * Jack Field: Holden was a thief and a disturbed young man and what happened was a sad thing. Perhaps we can learn a lesson from this tragedy like don't steal and don't be disturbed.

Dialogue

 * Justine: They call you Tom?
 * Holden: It's my slave name.

 * Justine: Whatcha readin'?
 * Holden: Catcher in the Rye... I'm named after it.
 * Justine: What's your name?
 * [Holden stares at her blankly]
 * Justine: Catcher?

 * Justine: Gwen says smoking marijuana lowers your sperm.
 * Phil: Lowers it to where?
 * Justine: Maybe you're the infertile one around here. Maybe every time you smoke a little doobie, you're killing our unborn children.

 * Cheryl: Sit right down here, ma'am. We're going to make you pretty. Now how do you like your hair?
 * Big Haired Woman: What? Are you going to do my hair?
 * Cheryl: No, I just need to know if that's your usual way of wearing it, all big and high. If it is, I'll just put more makeup on your chin to offset it. You're going to want to take a whole bottle of this home with you. It's got quite a lot of ingredients in it, so you're getting a good deal. It's got ginkgo extract in it. Do you know what that is?
 * Big Haired Woman: No.
 * Cheryl: It's extract of the ginkgo, and it makes your skin real slick so that any liquid will roll right off you, be it water, or lemon juice, or urine. I'll put it in a bag for you.

 * Corny: You got any interest in reading the Bible?
 * Justine: I have my own, you know, beliefs.
 * Corny: Well, we don't preach fire and brimstone. Ten Commandments, gotta live by those. Other than the usual ways, we're not interested in scaring people. We're about loving Jesus.
 * Justine: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I kind of like my nights to myself.
 * Corny: Well, maybe you'll have night after night of eternal hellfire all to yourself. Just kidding you. Drive safe. Bye-bye.

 * Cheryl: You didn't bring this into the store with you?
 * Heavy Set Woman: No.
 * Cheryl: Then I'll go ahead and charge you for it. This is a hand lotion, so don't put it on any other part of your body, even if that part needs lubrication. We try to keep frivolous lawsuits to a minimum, unless, of course, the customer is at fault.

 * Holden: I crave you! I wanna know everything about you. Who are you?
 * Justine: I'm just this woman.

Cast

 * Jennifer Aniston - Justine Last
 * Jake Gyllenhaal - Thomas "Holden" Worther
 * John C. Reilly - Phil Last
 * John Carroll Lynch - Jack Field
 * Tim Blake Nelson - Bubba
 * Zooey Deschanel - Cheryl
 * Mike White - Corny
 * Deborah Rush - Gwen Jackson
 * Aimee Garcia - Nurse

title: The Good Girl


text:
User talk:Xiner~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:35, 17 February 2006 (UTC)
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Buffy talk page edits
Whoa! I see you've been quite busy on Talk:Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Your edits have increased the urgency (for this article, at least) of a problem that we have yet to deal with on a global basis for Wikiquote TV articles: how to provide instruction to editors without interfering with other wiki standards. The main problem is that we have two article-related namespaces, main and talk, and neither is appropriate for guidelines. Using talk was supposed to be a temporary expedient, but like so much maintenance effort here, it's taking a very long time to establish real solutions.

The guidelines should, as a temporary measure, be moved to Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Format (in parallel with Firefly and Firefly (TV series)/Format, which I believe has the most current details on TV-show formatting). Ultimately, we've been talking about having a similar guideline page for all TV shows, with only the handy character lists unique to each show, but the 2-4 folks working on these things at any given time have also been busy with a few hundred other things.

Your formatting guideline changes seem pretty useful, and I appreciate your removal of my signature and timestamp, which I've never been happy with anyway. (Why things were this way is a long story which is largely irrelevant now, so it's high time someone did this.) But I'm going to have to rearrange or undo your other talk-page edits because they improperly confused the chronological order of actual discussions and deleted material that shouldn't be removed. I'll do my best to untangle everything so your postings are added in correct order after existing ones. Please let me know if you find any problems with my efforts. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:56, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

 * Hi Jeff. I know you've been very patient with my Wiki transgressions. It's jut that I can't find my head from my tail through the docs, and I read more docs/books/instructions offline more thoroughly than most people. I'll try to learn, though. xiner 16:01, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

 * It's a shame to have to say this, but our docs really need some work. Wikipedia's are more complete, but trying to tackle them can be like trying to sip water from a firehose. You fall into an unfortunate group of editors who enthusiastically follow the MediaWiki admonition to be bold in updating pages right from the start, although from an unusual direction. I don't think the MW help infrastructure accomodates such desirable users very well.

 * I myself am a firm believer in reading documentation where available. Many folks act as if reading docs impunes their knowledge and skills, but not only do experts often come across tidbits they hadn't noticed before, but such experienced eyes can often catch errors and think of better ways to explain things. (If this is true for physical documentation, how much more important is it for wiki docs, which may be edited immediately by anyone who sees the problems?)

 * I think you're doing just what everyone else does — learning as you go along — just a bit faster and more intensely than others. ☺ Good wikians who find problems with your edits should let you know in a friendly manner, but you'll get the occasional rude comment as well. I hope I've leaned more toward the former. Let me know if I can answer any questions, and feel free to question anything you find peculiar, too. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 20:21, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Xiner. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Xiner~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:38, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 06:01, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Xiner~enwikiquote


text:
Wikiquote talk:Guide to layout/Television formatting

Merged content
This page, "Guide to layout/Television formatting", originated from merging together guidelines that had been developed for some individual articles, as a result of discussion at Votes for deletion/The Cleveland Show/Format. The sub-sections below are from before that merger. ~ Ningauble 14:17, 3 December 2011 (UTC)

Discussion
This page is strictly for discussing the formatting and inclusion guidelines that are listed in Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Format. Discussions about the content of the main article, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, should take place at Talk:Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Contexts for quotes
Is there a reason why brackets are used to describe the context and not parentheses, which are commonly used in plays, etc.? xiner 02:21, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

 * Answered at Talk:Buffy the Vampire Slayer. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 18:33, 11 August 2006 (UTC)

Advice to sources
I reverted the new "Punctuation (crusade against ...)" section because it is advice about formatting sources, not the article. I would also recommend that any desired changes to article formatting policy be discussed on this talk page before adding them to the format page, because the current system is the de facto format guideline for all TV-show articles, and we should not be going off in novel directions without such discussions. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 07:44, 19 February 2006 (UTC)

Character lists
Should specific character lists be removed from the guideline? I realize some people may have found them convenient but I don't see a great need for them, and it doesn't seem right to include information about individual programs in a general guideline. ~ Ningauble 14:17, 3 December 2011 (UTC)


text:
The IT Crowd

The IT Crowd (2006–2013) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the IT department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

 * Roy Trenneman: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
 * Maurice Moss: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT...Yaha... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
 * Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
 * Moss: See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?
 * Roy: Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her!

 * Moss: You had a job?
 * Roy: [coyly] Girl on 5th.
 * Moss: Did you hit it off?
 * Roy: Define 'hit it off'.
 * Moss: Did she continue talking to you after you'd fixed her computer?
 * Roy: No. And while I was working, she rested a cup on my back.
 * Moss: No!
 * Roy: Yep! (shows a cup mark on his back) I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
 * Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
 * Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed—
 * Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.
 * Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

 (Moss and Roy are discussing Jen Barber)
 * Moss: Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?
 * Roy: Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
 * Moss: What?! (Drops mug)
 * Roy: What're you doing?!
 * Moss: Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were we talking about?
 * Roy: Her not knowing anything about computers.
 * Moss: WHAT?! (drops mug)

 (Jen has calmed down and walked out a woman who was beating Roy with a shoe)
 * Moss: Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation!
 * Jen: What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?
 * Moss: They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.
 * Roy: Oh, it's not that bad.
 * Moss: Come on, it's pretty bad.

Calamity Jen [1.2]

 * TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]
 * Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.
 * Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3.
 * Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
 * Moss: You mean 999—
 * Roy: Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.
 * Moss: That's the American one, you berk!

 * Moss: [holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest, of the fire''.

 * Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the rest of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir\Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Dear Sir\Madam. Fire! Exclamation mark. Fire! Exclamation mark. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

 * Roy: How do you know about this site?
 * Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
 * Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
 * Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

 * Roy: Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!
 * Moss: That's good.
 * Roy: What's yours?
 * Moss: Mine doesn't look any good now.
 * Roy: Go on.
 * Moss: I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!
 * Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.

The Red Door [1.4]

 * Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
 * Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

 * Moss: You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?
 * Jen: Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.
 * Moss: But, the rainforest, and...
 * Jen: What's wrong with you, Moss?
 * Moss: Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.
 * Jen: [laughs] What, still?
 * Moss: Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!
 * Jen: What's a desk-rabbit?
 * Moss: I just made that up!  But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy.  But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

 * Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
 * Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
 * Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?

 * Roy: While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area?
 * Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
 * Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

 * [phone rings]
 * Roy: [picking up] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?...have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I just realized that was my mother.

 * Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
 * Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
 * Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
 * Roy: [understanding] Ohhhh.
 * Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
 * Jen: No.
 * Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
 * Roy: Moss!
 * Jen: You know, it's "high tide".
 * Moss: But we're not on the coast.
 * Roy: Moss!
 * Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
 * Moss: Closed for maintenance?
 * Roy: Moss!
 * Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
 * Moss: Well, they do have some compelling arguments.
 * Roy: [frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
 * Moss: [finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]

 * Jen: Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
 * Moss: Smartie cereal.
 * Jen: Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
 * Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

 * Roy: I am a man, he's a man, we're men!
 * Jen: Okay, tell me how you're feeling.
 * Roy: [softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I think I'm ugly! [crying]

 * News Reporter: (on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.

Work Outing [2.1]

 * [Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a poster for Gay: A Gay Musical]
 * Roy Trenneman: "A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
 * Maurice Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
 * Jen Barber: [reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
 * Moss: Oh no! It's set in the 80s!
 * Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
 * Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
 * Roy: Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

 * [Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]
 * Theatre Manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
 * Jen: [shocked] Did you see who it was?
 * Roy: Red-bearded man.
 * Jen: Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?
 * Roy: Ten years?
 * Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
 * Roy: ...Acid.
 * Jen: What are the chances?
 * Roy: 100 to one.

 * Theatre Manager: What happened?
 * Roy: [meekly] I'm disabled.
 * Theatre Manager: How?
 * Roy: How what?
 * Theatre Manager: Yeah, how are you disabled?
 * Roy: Uhh, Leg disabled.
 * Theatre Manager: Do you have a wheelchair?
 * Roy:...Yes.
 * Theatre Manager: Well, where is it?
 * Roy:...Stolen.
 * Theatre Manager: How did they get in?
 * Roy: [breaks down] I don't know...

 * Jerome: [sees group of disabled men] What...? Oh, I get it. Very funny, you Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'm a bit tired. Can I have a wheelchair too?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Help, help! I need a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable man; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing around! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

 * Denholm Reynholm: When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and six million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!

 * Moss: Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!
 * [Jen comes out of her office, visibly shocked.]
 * Jen: [stunned] Oh my God.
 * Roy: What?
 * Jen: Oh my God.
 * Roy: What is it?
 * Jen: Denholm's dead!
 * Moss: [suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!

 * Derek Pippen: [talking about Denholm's funeral] You do know we're burying a great man today!
 * Roy: [shocked] Did someone else die?

 * Jen: There's Denholm's wife...
 * Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals.
 * Roy: Me too. I'm terrible.
 * Jen: Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.
 * Roy: [to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

 * Moss: I'm sorry for your loss.
 * Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.
 * Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
 * Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
 * Moss: Please take it.
 * Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
 * Moss: I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

 * Douglas: Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

 * Douglas:Speak, priest!

 * Douglas: Quiet, woman!

Moss and the German [2.3]

 * Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard]
 * Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.

 * Roy: Yeah, I don't like people.
 * Jen: Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?
 * Roy: I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

 * Jen: Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.

Dinner Party [2.4]

 * Jen: If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.
 * Moss: Memory is RAM!

 * Richmond: Have you got any absinthe?
 * Jen: No.
 * Richmond: I only drink absinthe.
 * Jen: Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...
 * Richmond: Oh Carlsberg, perfect.

 * Roy: Peter, what's your email address?
 * Peter: Oh, it's filepeter@hotmail.com.
 * Roy: "filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
 * Peter: Well, File is my second name.
 * Roy: Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
 * Moss: Who's a paedophile?
 * Roy: No no, his name is Peter File.
 * Moss: His name is paedophile?
 * Jen: [angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
 * Moss: Isn't that what he just said?
 * Jen': No, Peter File.
 * Moss: [enunciating] Paedo phile?
 * Jen: Peter File!
 * Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
 * Jen: No one is.
 * Moss: [finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.
 * Jen: No, no, it doesn't!
 * Moss: Does a bit. Peter File.
 * Roy: Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.
 * [There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]
 * Peter: [exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!
 * [silence]
 * Jen: I didn't noticed, so...
 * Peter: It doesn't bother you, does it?
 * Jen: No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
 * Moss: They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
 * Jen: [shouting] He's not moving to America!

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

 * John: I don't think that's true.
 * Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter.  You can break the Internet.

 * Roy: Is this another one of your inventions?
 * Moss: Might be.
 * Roy: What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
 * Moss: How is that not useful?
 * Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
 * Moss: Yes. They. Do!
 * Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
 * Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [2.6]

 * Douglas Reynholm: I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.

 * Douglas: Oh, not these idiots!
 * Jen: Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

From Hell [3.1]

 * Douglas Reynholm: I can't seem to get it open.
 * Roy Trenneman: You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop?
 * Douglas: I would be beholden to you.

 * Maurice Moss: Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."

 * Douglas: Hell's horses!

 * Roy: [Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses!
 * Moss: Not as nice as your momma's glasses!

 * Moss: [Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather's revolver] I got a gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands as he goes back to the bench, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Are We Not Men? [3.2]

 * [Repeated conversation]
 * Moss: Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
 * Postman: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
 * Moss: The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!
 * Postman: Yeah it is true. See you later, Moss
 * Moss: Mind 'ow you go.

 * Moss: Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

Tramps Like Us [3.3]

 * June: What does IT stand for?
 * Jen Barber: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?
 * June: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?
 * Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of-
 * June: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?
 * Jen: What do you think they stand for?
 * June: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?
 * Jen: I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.

 * Douglas: [being shocked by his anti-harrassment device] But I'm not aroused, it's only cars! God damn these electric sex pants!

 * Douglas: You there, computer man. Fix my pants!
 * Moss: Beg your pardon?
 * Douglas: Pull down my trousers and do your job!

 * [Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]
 * Moss: Hello, Roy speaking.
 * Jen: [on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.
 * Moss: Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.
 * Jen: Look, what does IT mean?
 * Moss: What?
 * Jen: IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.
 * Moss: You don't know what it means?
 * Jen: No, I never thought to ask.
 * Moss: This must be Jen!
 * Jen: Yes—
 * Moss: Hello Jen!
 * Jen: Hello!
 * Moss: How may I help you?
 * Jen: Tell me, tell me what IT means.
 * Moss: Absolutely. [pause]
 * Jen: Well?
 * Moss: Very well, thank you. How are you?
 * Jen: Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What—
 * Moss: Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?
 * Jen: No no no, don't hang up—
 * Moss: [hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.
 * Jen: You just hung up on me.
 * Moss: Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.
 * Jen: No! Don't—
 * Moss: [switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?
 * Jen: What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?
 * Moss: Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.
 * Jen: How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?
 * Moss: Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

The Speech [3.4]

 * [Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small red LED light on the top. Moss stands next to her.]
 * Jen: What is it?
 * Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
 * Jen: What?
 * Moss: That's right.
 * Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?
 * Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
 * Jen: It's so small!
 * Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
 * Jen: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
 * Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
 * Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
 * Moss: Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.
 * Jen: Oh, good.
 * Moss: I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
 * Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.
 * Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
 * Jen: [laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!
 * [Roy enters the room]
 * Roy: [agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
 * Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.
 * Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?
 * Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it!
 * Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
 * Jen: Big Ben?
 * Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
 * Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
 * Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.
 * Moss: Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
 * Jen: [suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!
 * Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!
 * Jen: Oh, please, Roy!
 * Roy: [resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
 * Moss: By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.
 * Roy: Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...
 * Jen: So, can I have it?
 * Roy: You can.
 * [Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to pick her speech up and carry the box carefully. As soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]

 * Douglas: April, these past few days have been like a dream. Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you... I don't know, I feel alive. April, I love you.
 * April: What?
 * Douglas: That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.
 * April: Oh, Douglas! I love you too!
 * Douglas: Oh, poppet... to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.
 * April: ...what?
 * Douglas: When we met, as if I'd be worried about something like that! I don't care where you're from; Iran, France, doesn't bother me. I'm very modern
 * April: I'm not from Iran!
 * Douglas: Well, you said something along those lines.
 * April: No, not Iran, a man! I said I used to be a man!
 * Douglas: You used to be a man...?
 * April: Yes!
 * [Douglas grips April very tightly]
 * Douglas: OH GOD...

 * [During Jen's speech]
 * Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
 * Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!
 * Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!

Friendface [3.5]

 * Moss: My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!
 * Roy: Isn't that a good thing?
 * Moss: She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!
 * Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?
 * Moss: What are you, an animal?

 * Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.
 * Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
 * Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.6]

 * Jen: Why are you doing this?
 * Roy: Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.

Jen the Fredo [4.1]

 *  [Moss talking about Mysterious Music]
 * Maurice Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
 * Jen Barber: Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.
 * Moss: I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".

 * Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
 * Douglas Reynholm: Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!

 * Jen: [regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

The Final Countdown [4.2]

 *  [Moss bursts into the office]
 * Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!
 * Roy Trenneman: [in disbelief] No!
 * Jen: What's going on?
 * Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!
 * Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
 * [Smash cut to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
 * Moss: Consonant, please.

 * Moss: It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.
 * Jeff Stelling: Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us?
 * Moss: Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.

 * Moss: I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

 * [The 8+ Club are playing Street Countdown]
 * Harold Tong, aka "Prime": Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
 * Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
 * Prime: Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—
 * Roy: I don't care.
 * [The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
 * Prime: Negative One?
 * Negative One: Twelve.
 * Moss: Sixteen.
 * Prime: Your word, Negative One.
 * Negative One: Enormousness.
 * Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
 * Prime: This is most irregular...
 * Moss: What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
 * Prime: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
 * Moss: Overnumerousness!
 * Prime: Gyles?
 * [Pan to Gyles Brandreth in a makeshift Dictionary Corner]
 * Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Something Happened [4.3]

 * [Douglas is presenting an advert for "Spaceology"]
 * Douglas: Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
 * Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
 * Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
 * [Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]
 * Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?
 * Roy: Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.

 * [Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
 * Roy: I'm going to go dance at the front.
 * Jen: Aren't you a bit old for the front?
 * Roy: I'm 32!
 * Teenager: Good for you, mate!

Italian for Beginners [4.4]

 * Jen: [greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.

 * Roy: There was a fire...at a Sea Parks?

 * Moss: [trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.

Bad Boys [4.5]

 * [Moss and Roy are walking down the street]
 * Moss: Oh my gosh!
 * [Moss runs forward and kneels down]
 * Moss: It's a robot!
 * [Camera zooms out to show a bomb disposal robot]
 * Moss: I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.

 * [Jen is asking Roy for help with her laptop]
 * Jen: Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?
 * Roy: You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.
 * Jen: [grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.
 * Roy: "How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

 * [The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
 * Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
 * Police: Err... it's... Vista!
 * Moss: We're going to die!
 * Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
 * Police: What?
 * Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
 * Police: ...what?
 * Roy: [agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!
 * Jen: [shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.

 * Roy: Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.

Reynholm v Reynholm [4.6]

 * Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.

 * Douglas: Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!
 * Solicitor: Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.
 * Douglas: But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse!
 * Solicitor: That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.
 * Douglas: Balls from hell, you shit-twins!
 * Solicitor: Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
 * Douglas: Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.

 * Judge: Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
 * Douglas: I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
 * Judge: Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.
 * Douglas: Wise words, my learned lud.

 * Douglas: Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
 * Moss: [Mumbles, nods frenetically]
 * Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
 * Moss: [Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, bit of water. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, it's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.
 * Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
 * Moss: It is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.
 * Judge: Just relax, take your time and answer the questions as clearly as you can.
 * Moss: Thank you, my love.
 * Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
 * Moss: [His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back up, but falls off it as he sits down]
 * Douglas: No further questions, my lord.

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

 * Moss: [Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look.
 * Jen: [Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.
 * Moss: [Incredulously] It was three months ago!

 * Moss: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
 * Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!

 * Roy: [points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!

 * Roy: [Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!
 * Jen: Why not?
 * Roy: Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!
 * Jen: [Looks at Roy and shakes her head]
 * Roy: What?
 * Jen: You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.
 * Roy: [Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.

 * Douglas: What's your beef with the homeless?
 * Jen: I don't have any homeless beef.
 * Douglas: Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand.

 * Roy: Wait, you record our emails and tape our phone calls?
 * Douglas: Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear.

 * Jen: I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.
 * Roy: And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.
 * Jen: I sort of did my one too.
 * Roy: It's frustrating that we did both of our things.

 * Douglas: Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.

 * Douglas: What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!
 * Jen: No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.
 * Douglas: Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!

 * Roy: [On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?
 * Moss: No.
 * Roy: What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!
 * Moss: Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.
 * Roy: Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!
 * [...]'
 * Roy: [Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?
 * Moss: [Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.
 * Roy: Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.
 * Moss: It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.
 * Roy: [Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.
 * Moss: [Shrugs] As a last resort.
 * Roy: In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.
 * Moss: There you go.
 * Roy: [Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!
 * Moss: Bye!
 * Roy: Bye.
 * Moss: [Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]

 * Roy: Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!

 * Jen: I can't believe she's still with you.
 * Roy: Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...

 * Roy: [casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye!
 * Jen: She left you?
 * Roy: She did.

 * Jon Snow: As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, we at Channel 4 news ask: What the Hell is wrong with people?

 * Roy: Are you wearing women's slacks?
 * Moss: Yes I am!

 * Jen: See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen..
 * Moss: ..And my scientific know how..
 * Roy: ..And I'm also here..
 * Jen: ..We can do anything!
 * All Three: YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]

title: The IT Crowd