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Karl Jaspers

Karl Theodor Jaspers (23 February 1883 – 26 February 1969) was a German psychiatrist and philosopher. Among his most well known contributions is his idea of the Axial Age [Achsenzeit].

Quotes

 * Reason is like an open secret that can become known to anyone at any time; it is the quiet space into which everyone can enter through his own thought.
 * As quoted in Philosophy for a Time of Crisis : An Interpretation, with Key Writings by Fifteen Great Modern Thinkers (1959) by Adrienne Koch, Ch. 18, "Karl Jaspers : A New Humanism"

 * I approach the presentation of Kierkegaard with some trepidation. Next to Nietzsche, or rather, prior to Nietzsche, I consider him to be the most important thinker of our post-Kantian age. With Goethe and Hegel, an epoch had reached its conclusion, and our prevalent way of thinking — that is, the positivistic, natural-scientific one — cannot really be considered as philosophy.
 * The Great Philosophers (1962)

 * The interlacedness of the two heterogeneous origins [Remark: This refers to the origins of governance: (1) necessity to work cooperatively, (2) the fight between man and man] prevails as the fundamental characteristic of governance. Therefore even any true community, being successful somewhere between boundaries for a common purpose, elsewhere becomes in theory a means for misleading, used to interpret and cover-up actually existing power. Again and again things are named by their contrary and are hidden. In that manner, under the pretense of communication - the open  discussion - people are interrogated and commands are given, under the pretense of freedom and voluntariness behavior is enforced, in the coat of pure ethics the evil is carried out, under the pretense of truth lies and fraud are committed, and all values valid at any one time are, depending on the situation, either applied or ignored. [Remarks: "Herrschaft" = "governance" or "leadership", "Gewalt" = "power" or "violence"]
 * On Truth (1948), Pt 2, Ch. 3, II, B, 3, b)''

 * The Greek word for philosopher (philosophos) connotes a distinction from sophos. It signifies the lover of wisdom (knowledge) as distinguished from him who considers himself wise in the possession of knowledge. This meaning of the word still endures: the essence of philosophy is not the possession of the truth but the search for truth. … Philosophy means to be on the way. Its questions are more essential than its answers, and every answer becomes a new question.
 * Way to Wisdom: An Introduction to Philosophy (1951) as translated by Ralph Mannheim, Ch. 1, What is Philosophy?, p. 12
 * Variant translation:  It is the search for the truth, not possession of the truth which is the way of philosophy. Its questions are more relevant than its answers, and every answer becomes a new question.

 * We cannot avoid conflict, conflict with society, other individuals and with oneself. Conflicts may be the sources of defeat, lost life and a limitation of our potentiality but they may also lead to greater depth of living and the birth of more far-reaching unities, which flourish in the tensions that engender them.
 * As quoted in Turning Conflict Into Profit : A Roadmap for Resolving Personal and Organizational Disputes (2005) by Larry Axelrod and Rowland Johnson

Psychology of World Views (1919)

 * Psychologie der Weltanschauungen (1919)

 * Auch das gesteigertste psychologische Verstehen ist kein liebendes Verstehen.
 * Even the most elevated psychological understanding is not a loving understanding.

 * Der Lehrer der Liebe lehrt den Kampf, der Lehrer der lieblosen Isolierung von aller Welt aber die Ruhe.
 * The teacher of love teaches struggle. The teacher of lifeless isolation from the world teaches peace.

Man in the Modern Age (1933)

 * As translated by Eden Paul and Cedar Paul (1951)

 * The general fellowship of our human situation has been rendered even more dubious than before, inasmuch as, though the old ties of caste have been loosened, a new restriction of the individual to some prescribed status in society is manifest. Less than ever, perhaps, is it possible for a man to transcend the limitations imposed by his social origins.

 * The 'public' is a phantom, the phantom of an opinion supposed to exist in a vast number of persons who have no effective interrelation and though the opinion is not effectively present in the units. Such an opinion is spoken of as 'public opinion,' a fiction which is appealed to by individuals and by groups as supporting their special views. It is impalpable, illusory, transient; "'tis here, 'tis there, 'tis gone"; a nullity which can nevertheless for a moment endow the multitude with power to uplift or destroy.

 * The masses are our masters; and for every one who looks facts in the face his existence has become dependent on them, so that the thought of them must control his doings, his cares, and his duties. Even an articulated mass always tends to become unspiritual and inhuman. It is life without existence, superstitions without faith. It may stamp all flat; it is disinclined to tolerate independence and greatness, but prone to constrain people to become as automatic as ants.

 * When the titanic apparatus of the mass-order has been consolidated, the individual has to serve it, and must from time to time combine with his fellows in order to renovate it. If he wants to make his livelihood by intellectual activity, he will find it very difficult to do this except by satisfying the needs of the many. He must give currency to something that will please the crowd. They seek satisfaction in the pleasures of the table, eroticism, self-assertion; they find no joy in life if one of these gratifications be curtailed. They also desire some means of self-knowledge. They desire to be led in such as way that they can fancy themselves leaders. Without wishing to be free, they would fain be accounted free. One who would please their taste must produce what is really average and commonplace, though not frankly styled such; must glorify or at least justify something as universally human. Whatever is beyond their understanding is uncongenial to them. One who would influence the masses must have recourse to the art of advertisement. The clamour of puffery is to-day requisite even for an intellectual movement. The days of quiet and unpretentious activity seem over and done with. You must keep yourself in the public eye, give lectures, make speeches, arouse a sensation. Yet the mass-apparatus lacks true greatness of representation, lacks solemnity.

 * The would-be climber must be able to make himself liked ... please his superiors — avoid showing independence except in those matters wherein independence is expected of him by his chiefs... the winners in the race have qualities which disincline them to allow others to be their true selves. Hence the winners snub all those who aim at adequate self-expression, speaking of them as pretentious, eccentric, biased, unpractical, and measuring their achievements by insincere standards.

 * At the parting of ways in the life-order, where the question is between the new creation or decay, that man will be decisive for new creation who is able on his own initiative to seize the helm and steer a course of his own choosing — even if that course be opposed to the will of the masses. Should the emergence of such persons become impossible a lamentable shipwreck will be inevitable.

 * Imminent seems the collapse of that which for millennium has constituted man's universe. The new world which has arisen as an apparatus for supply of the necessaries of life compels everything and everyone to serve it. It annihilates whatever it has no place for person seems to be going undergoing absorption into that which is nothing more than a means to an end, into that which is devoid of purpose of significance.

 * Today war seems to have undergone a change of meaning, insofar as it is not a war of religion but a war of interests, not a war of conflicting cultures or civilizations but a war of national areas, not a war of human beings but a technical struggle of machines one against another and all against the non–combatant population.

 * If the result of a war is to change nothing, but only to destroy, with the mere result that a group of human beings who do not differ notably from the conquered acquires preponderant advantages for the future, there is lacking the affective strength of an existence that has inspired faith, of an existence whose destiny would have been decided by the war.

 * The possibility of peace, on whose behalf many are working, might perhaps become actual because the technical advances in offensive weapons make the prospect of a European war so disastrous, and because, if the nations were at grips again, even the victorious aggressor would be ruined. But there still remains open the possibility of a new war which, more dreadful than any that have preceded it would make an end of contemporary Europeans.

 * It is questionable whether there does not exist in man an obscure and blind will to make war; an impulse towards change, towards emergence from the familiarities of everyday life and from the stabilities of well-known conditions — something like a will to death as a will to annihilation and self-sacrifice, a vague enthusiasm for the upbuilding of a new world.

 * The vicious circle of dread of war which leads the nations to arm themselves for self-protection, with the result that bloated armaments ultimately lead to the war which they were intended to avert, can be broken in either of two conceivable ways. There might arise a unique world power, brought into being by the unification of all those now in possession of weapons, and equipped with the capacity to forbid the lesser and unarmed nations to make war. On the other hand, it may arise by the working of a fate to us still inscrutable which, out of ruin, will disclose a way towards the development of a new human being. To will the discovery of this way would be blind impotence, but those who do not wish to deceive themselves will be prepared for the possibility.

 * Der Massenmensch hat wenig Zeit, lebt kein Leben aus einem Ganzen, will nicht mehr die Vorbereitung und Anstrengung ohne den konkreten Zweck, der sie in Nutzen umsetzt; er will nicht warten und reifen lassen; alles muß sogleich gegenwärtige Befriedigung sein; Geistiges ist zu den jeweils augenblicklichen Vergnügungen geworden. Daher ist der Essay die geeignete Literaturform für alles, tritt die Zeitung an die Stelle des Buches... Man liest schnell.
 * The mass-man has very little spare time, does not live a life that appertains to a whole, does not want to exert himself except for some concrete aim which can be expressed in terms of utility; he will not wait patiently while things ripen; everything for him must provide some immediate gratification; and even his mental life must minister to his fleeting pleasures. That is why the essay has become the customary form of literature, why newspapers are taking the place of books... People read quickly and cursorily.

 * When language is used without true significance, it loses its purpose as a means of communication and becomes an end in itself.

 * In old days the plastic arts, music, and poesy were so germane to man in his totality that his Transcendence plainly manifest in them. ... What is to-day obvious to all is a decay in the essence of art. ... the opposition to man's true nature as man.

 * Man, if he is to remain man, must advance by way of consciousness. There is no road leading backward. ... We can no longer veil reality from ourselves by renouncing self-consciousness without simultaneously excluding ourselves from the historical course of human existence.

 * "There is no God," cry the masses more and more vociferously; and with the loss of God man loses his sense of values — is, as it were, massacred because he feels himself of no account.

 * Man is always something more than what he knows of himself. He is not what he is simply once and for all, but is a process...

 * In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all.

On My Philosopy (1941)

 * As published in Existentialism from Dostoyevsky to Sartre (1956) edited by Walter Kaufmann. Text online at ''.

 * My path was not the normal one of professors of philosophy. I did not intend to become a doctor of philosophy by studying philosophy (I am in fact a doctor of medicine) nor did I by any means, intend originally to qualify for a professorship by a dissertation on philosophy. To decide to become a philosopher seemed as foolish to me as to decide to become a poet. Since my schooldays, however, I was guided by philosophical questions. Philosophy seemed to me the supreme, even the sole, concern of man. Yet a certain awe kept me from making it my profession.

The content of our truth depends upon our appropriating the historical foundation. '''Our own power of generation lies in the rebirth of what has been handed down to us. If we do not wish to slip back, nothing must be forgotten; but if philosophising is to be genuine our thoughts must arise from our own source. Hence all appropriation of tradition proceeds from the intentness of our own life. The more determinedly I exist, as myself, within the conditions of the time, the more clearly I shall hear the language of the past, the nearer I shall feel the glow of its life.'''
 * Our questions and answers are in part determined by the historical tradition in which we find ourselves. We apprehend truth from our own source within the historical tradition.

Nietzsche (1946)

 * As translated by C. Walraff and F. Schmitz (1997)

 * With the disintegration of all that [Nietzsche] had revered, existence, to him, had become a desert in which only one thing remained, namely that which had relentlessly forced him into this path: truthfulness that knows no limits and is not subject to any condition.
 * p. 45

 * Nietzsche, driven by the absolute demand of his existential truthfulness, could not abide the bourgeois world, even when its representative had human nobility.

 * … Nietzsche’s ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.

 * Rohde became more and more firmly bound to the bourgeois world, its institutions and accepted opinions. … The contrast between the two natures makes Rohde and Nietzsche exemplary representatives of two distinctive worlds. In their youth they both live in the realm of boundless possibilities and feel an affinity through the exuberance of their noble aspirations. Subsequently they go in opposite directions. Nietzsche remains young, leaving concrete reality as his task assumes existential import. Rohde grows old, bourgeois, stable, and skeptical. Hence courage is a fundamental trait in Nietzsche, plaintive self-irony in Rohde. … Rohde retained the interests but not the attitudes of his youth; he looked to the world of the Greeks for the object of his contemplation rather than the norm of obligation.
 * pp. 61-62

 * For any community and those living in it, only that is true which can be communicated to all. Hence universal communicability is unconsciously accepted as the source and criterion of those truths that promote life through communal means. Truth is that which our conventional social code accepts as effective in promoting the purposes of the group. … This community will condemn as a “liar” the person who misuses its unconsciously accepted, and therefore valid, metaphors. … Community members are obliged to “lie” in accordance with fixed convention. To put it otherwise, they must be truthful by playing with the conventionally marked dice. To fail to pay in the coin of the realm is to tell forbidden lies, for, on this view, whatever transcends conventional truth is a falsehood. To tell lies of this kind is to sacrifice the world of meanings upon which the endurance of his community rests. Conversely, there are forbidden truths: This same threat to the continuance of the community is also counteracted by relentlessly preventing anyone from thinking and uttering unconventional but authentic truths.
 * pp. 187-188

The Question of German Guilt (1947)

 * As translated by E. B. Ashton (1948)

 * No one is guiltless...But no one is beyond the pale of human existence, provided he pays for his guilt.
 * We are sorely deficient in talking with each other and listening to each other. We lack mobility, criticism and self-criticism. We incline to doctrinism. What makes it worse is that so many people do not really want to think. They want only slogans and obedience. They ask no questions and they give no answers, except by repeating drilled-in phrases. They can only assert and obey, neither probe nor apprehend. Thus they cannot be convinced, either. How shall we talk with people who will not go where others probe and think, where men seek independence in insight and conviction?
 * [S]ome went through the whole disrupting experience of national indignity as early as 1933, others after June 1934, still others in 1938 during the Jewish pogroms, many in the years since 1942, when defeat became probable, or since 1943 when it because certain, and some not until it actually happened in 1945.

Quotes about Karl Jaspers

 * 1919...Henri Bergson, Karl Barth, Ernst Cassirer, Havelock Ellis, Karl Jaspers, John Maynard Keynes, Rudolf Steiner—indelible figures—were all active in their various spheres.
 * Cynthia Ozick, Fame & Folly: Essays (1996)

title: Karl Jaspers


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User talk:64.108.219.15

~ Kalki 02:19, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:64.108.219.15


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User talk:24.26.1.49

~ Kalki 02:19, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:24.26.1.49


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Shyness

Shyness (also called diffidence) is the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness especially when a person is in proximity to other people. This commonly occurs in new situations or with unfamiliar people.

Quotes

 * Narrated 'Aisha: I said, "O Allah's Apostle! A virgin feels shy." He said, "Her consent is (expressed by) her silence."
 * Aisha, Sahih Bukhari 7:62:68

 * He was not handsome, and his manners required intimacy to make them pleasing. He was too diffident to do justice to himself; but when his natural shyness was overcome, his behaviour gave every indication of an open, affectionate heart.
 * Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility (1811).

 * At the time, I believed that shyness was very important, but now I know that shyness is one of the evils one must try to overcome, that in reality to be shy doesn't matter—it is like so many other things to which one gives an exaggerated importance.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, Seven Nights (1980). English translation by Eliot Weinberger

 * Shyness is shit. It isn’t cute or feminine or appealing. It’s torment, and it’s shit.
 * Octavia Butler, "Positive Obsession", in Bloodchild and Other Stories (1995).

 * He's not an asshole, he's just shy. I think you have shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
 * in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2, Episode 6 (2001).

 * The shy man does have some slight revenge upon society for the torture it inflicts upon him. He is able, to a certain extent, to communicate his misery. He frightens other people as much as they frighten him. He acts like a damper upon the whole room, and the most jovial spirits become, in his presence, depressed and nervous.
 * Jerome K. Jerome, "On Being Shy", in Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow (1886).

 * Shyness is just egotism out of its depth.
 * (b. 1939), British actress. Daily Mail (UK) newspaper, 27th June 1988.

 * I am the son And the heir Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
 * Johnny Marr and Morrissey, ', ' (1985)

 * Shyness is nice, and Shyness can stop you From doing all the things in life You'd like to.
 * Johnny Marr and Morrissey, Ask, '' (1986).

title: Shyness


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User:Westfall~enwikiquote

User:Westfall

title: User:Westfall~enwikiquote


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User talk:Westfall~enwikiquote

User talk:Westfall

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 05:11, 4 March 2006 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Westfall~enwikiquote


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Hawkman

Hawkman is the alias of several of fictional superheroes from DC Comics created by writer Gardner Fox and artist Dennis Neville; the original Hawkman first appeared in Flash Comics #1, published by All-American Publications in 1940. Though his origins vary, from human archaeologist Carter Hall, the reincarnation of the ancient Egyptian prince Khufu – or as alien police officer Katar Hol from the planet Thanagar, he is consistently characterized by the use of archaic weaponry, and by large, artificial wings, attached to a harness made from the special anti-gravity Nth metal that allows flight. Most incarnations of Hawkman work closely with his work partner/romantic interest named Hawkgirl/Hawkwoman.

Quotes

 * Hawkman: Foolish? Kendra, I'm a guy who wears wings, an Edgar Rice Burroughs body harness, and a hawk's head. Everything I do is foolish. Don't follow my lead.
 * Hawkgirl #50, written by Walter Simonson, art and cover by Howard Chaykin, (may, 2006).

About

 * It's a good name and it seems a shame to let it go to waste. We're hoping that fans will figure 'For God's sake, let's just call him Hawkman and get him in the Justice League as Hawkman,' and the editors will relent. We're hoping to start a campaign.
 * Grant Morrison, Wizard, "JLA Special", (1997)

title: Hawkman


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Dick (film)

Dick is a 1999 comedy film about two sweet yet ditzy teenagers who, after inadvertantly exposing the Watergate break-in, find themselves involved in Richard Nixon's administration before standing up to him under the identity of whistle-blower 'Deep Throat'
 * Directed by Andrew Fleming. Written by Andrew Fleming and Sheryl Longin.

He was tricky. They were better. taglines

Betsy Jobs

 * [To Richard Nixon] You kicked Checkers, you're prejudiced, and you have a potty mouth!
 * [Shouting, to Arlene] You can't let Dick control your life!
 * It's called incest, Arlene, and it's against the law.

Arlene Lorenzo

 * War is not healthy for children and other living things. [quoting a popular anti-Vietnam War protest slogan, originally created by poster artist Lorraine Schneider]
 * We have a very important school report on turquoise jewelry due in two days, and we can't find any books on it, and the President's having us followed. It's too much pressure.
 * I love Dick!
 * [Being followed by the President's 'plumbers'] Dick frightens me.
 * [After seeing Nixon's "I am not a crook" speech immediately after a threatening call] He's trying to drive me insane!

President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick')

 * Checkers - shut up! Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!
 * I've got a way with young people. They trust me.
 * You don't mess with the big boys!!

Carl Bernstein

 * What about that list from CREEP? How could you let your dog eat it?! [Hysterical] You're ruining my life!!!
 * Dick is going down, man!

Henry Kissinger

 * Excuse me, Mr. President. I was not informed that you were in the middle of... what the hell ARE you in the middle of?
 * It's alright, gentlemen. I'm familiar with these two young ladies. Well, not "familiar", familiar, obviously. I mean, I know them. We discussed foreign policy. [A secret service agent rolls his eyes knowingly] Don't you give me that look!
 * I'll take responsibility here. I'll be the only person in this administration who's willing to take responsibility for anything.

Others

 * Bob Haldeman: I have met yams with more going on upstairs than these two.
 * Bob Haldeman: You wanna complain about Vietnam? Talk to Johnson!
 * Mrs. Spinnler: Every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.
 * G. Gordon Liddy: [Surprised by Betsy and Arlene in the Watergate stairwell] Children! Running around, all hours of the night! When you kids grow up, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!
 * Chip: [After sticking himself with an election pin] Figures that the pain in my ass is Nixon, the fascist.
 * Larry: Whatever she's on, I didn't give it to her.

Dialogue

 * [A current affairs program opens the movie]
 * Interviewer: In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon was forced to resign in shame following the 'Watergate' Scandal. One of the great mysteries of this event was the identity of 'Deep Throat', the person who broke the story to Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. Well tonight, we're going to find out. Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, good evening.
 * Bob Woodward: Good evening.
 * Carl Bernstein: Good evening.
 * Interviewer: Let's get straight to it - who is... 'Deep Throat'?
 * Bob Woodward: Well, first of all, we're not telling you. And second of all, I thought I was going to be the only guest on tonight's show?
 * Carl Bernstein: [Bitchy] Well I guess you're not, Bob.
 * Interviewer: You know, you guys are getting pretty old now...
 * Carl Bernstein: Well, what do you mean by that?!
 * Interviewer: Well, I was just wondering if you were ever going to reveal who Deep Throat is ever, before you die.
 * Bob Woodward: Well, a lot bigger names than you have asked us that, so I don't think we're going to reveal it here.
 * Carl Bernstein: No, not on a little show like this.
 * Interviewer: [Exasperated] You know what I think? I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I don't think there ever was any such person as 'Deep Throat'. I think y'all just made it up.
 * Carl Bernstein: Yes there was! Deep Throat was -
 * Bob Woodward: Don't say it!! He's trying to trick us!
 * [Bernstein covers his mouth and moans]
 * Carl Bernstein: [Putting a hand on Woodward's shoulder] I'm sorry...
 * Bob Woodward: [Slapping the hand away] Don't ever touch me.
 * Carl Bernstein: Bob, I said I'm sorry!
 * [They begin to have a childish physical fight]
 * Bob Woodward: Don't... will you... you smell like cabbage!
 * [They fall over the table; the clip cuts out and the movie opens]

 * [Arlene and Betsy accidentally meet G. Gordon Liddy again in the White House]
 * G. Gordon Liddy: Young lady, I am a very busy man...
 * Betsy: Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen you before?
 * [Liddy recognises them; his eyes widen]
 * Betsy: Are you that guy that sells corn dogs at the mall?
 * G. Gordon Liddy: As far as you are concerned, young lady, I have no identity. In fact, [sinister] I'm not even here...
 * [He hurries off]
 * Betsy: He's way weirder than corndog guy.

 * [When Nixon offers the girls the post of 'White House Dog Walkers]
 * John Ehrlichman: What's going on? Who are these girls?
 * Henry Kissinger: I dunno. But it doesn't look constitutional to me.

 * [Woodward meets Arlene and Betsy in a parking garage. Arlene and Betsy are wearing trench coats, berets, and sunglasses]
 * Bob Woodward: You're Deep Throat?
 * Arlene Lorenzo: Yeah.
 * Betsy Jobs: We both are.
 * Bob Woodward: How old are you?
 * Betsy Jobs: 23.
 * Bob Woodward: Is that your combined ages?
 * Betsy Jobs: [takes off her sunglasses] Ugh, there's no need to be snotty!

 * Arlene Lorenzo: How dare those people treat us like we're stupid teenage girls.
 * Betsy Jobs: We are stupid teenage girls.
 * Arlene Lorenzo: No. We're human beings, and we're American citizens. And four score and seven years ago our forefathers... did something. I don't know what. But I do know one thing - Dick's ass is grass!

 * Betsy Jobs: Checkers pooped.
 * Rose Mary Woods: Girls, the President's dog doesn't "poop." He "does his business."

 * [To Arlene and Betsy]
 * Rose Mary Woods: The President is a very busy man. He doesn't just see anyone, you know.
 * President Nixon: [Exiting the Oval Office, seeing the girls] Ah, hello girls! Come on in.
 * Rose Mary Woods: The President will see you now.

 * Betsy Jobs: You're the smartest person I know.
 * Arlene Lorenzo: But you don't know anybody...

 * Betsy Jobs: Are you, like, the President's Dog Walker?
 * John Dean: I'm John Dean. Chief White House Counsel.
 * Betsy Jobs: Oh, That's too bad.

 * Betsy Jobs: Isn't it against the law to cut up the flag?
 * Arlene Lorenzo: Not if you sew it back together.

Taglines

 * He was tricky. They were better.
 * The unmaking of the president

Cast

 * Kirsten Dunst - Betsy Jobs
 * Michelle Williams - Arlene Lorenzo
 * Dan Hedaya - President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick')
 * Will Ferrell - Bob Woodward
 * Bruce McCulloch - Carl Bernstein
 * Teri Garr - Helen Lorenzo
 * Dave Foley - Bob Haldeman
 * Jim Breuer - John Dean
 * Ana Gasteyer - Rose Mary Woods
 * Harry Shearer - G. Gordon Liddy
 * Saul Rubinek - Henry Kissinger

title: Dick (film)


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User:Alexbonaro~enwikiquote

Hello. My name is Alessandro Bonaro.

Nickname = Giuseppe

I am interested in quotes related to Organized Crime and Politics. Aswell as quotes from gangster films. I am currently working on: Organized Crime.

Hit me with a message if you need anything.

title: User:Alexbonaro~enwikiquote


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User:Wwwwolf

The random quotator who edits once a few years. =)

This is me, and this is how I really look like: My more informative Wikipedia user page.

title: User:Wwwwolf


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User talk:Wwwwolf

I edit rarely here, so it's probably easier to comment on my Wikipedia talk page instead!

title: User talk:Wwwwolf


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Theft

Theft is the illegal taking of another person's property without that person's permission or consent. The word is also used as an informal shorthand term for some crimes against property, such as burglary, embezzlement, larceny, looting, robbery, shoplifting and fraud. In some jurisdictions, theft is considered to be synonymous with larceny; in others, theft has replaced larceny. Someone who carries out an act of or makes a career of theft is known as a thief. The act of theft is known by terms such as stealing, thieving, and filching.

A-G

 * The moment the idea is admitted into society, that property is not as sacred as the law of God, and that there is not a force of law and public justice to protect it, anarchy and tyranny commence. If "Thou shall not covet," and "Thou shall not steal," are not commandments of Heaven, they must be made inviolable precepts in every society, before it can be civilized or made free.
 * John Adams, Ch. 1 Marchamont Nedham : The Right Constitution of a Commonwealth Examined, A Defence of the Constitutions of Government (1787).

 * “They do not know how to do right,” declares the Lord,
 * “who store up in their fortresses
 * what they have plundered and looted.”
 * Amos, Book of Amos, 3:10 NIV

 * KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
 * Ambrose Bierce, The Cynic's Word Book (1906); republished as The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

 * To live On means not yours—be brave in silks and laces, Gallant in steeds; splendid in banquets; all Not yours. Given, uninherited, unpaid for; This is to be a trickster; and to filch Men's art and labour, which to them is wealth, Life, daily bread;—quitting all scores with "friend, You're troublesome!" Why this, forgive me, Is what, when done with a less dainty grace, Plain folks call "Theft."
 * Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Richelieu (1839), Act I, scene 2.

 * No Indian prince has to his palace More followers than a thief to the gallows.
 * Samuel Butler, Hudibras, Part II (1664), Canto I, line 273.

 * Kill a man's family, and he may brook it, But keep your hands out of his breeches' pocket.
 * Lord Byron, Don Juan (1818-24), Canto X, Stanza 79.

 * When the ideal of Society is material gain or possession, as it is largely today, the object of its special condemnation is the thief – not the rich thief, for he is already in possession and therefore respectable, but the poor thief.
 * Edward Carpenter, "Defence of Criminals – Criticism of Immorality" (1889)

 * The seventh commandment forbids unjustly taking or keeping the goods of one's neighbor and wronging him in any way with respect to his goods. It commands justice and charity in the care of earthly goods and the fruits of men's labor. For the sake of the common good, it requires respect for the universal destination of goods and respect for the right to private property.
 * "Catechism of the Catholic Church, - The seventh commandment". Vatican.va. Retrieved 2015-02-25.

 * Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
 * G. K. Chesterton, as quoted in The Man Who Was Thursday (1908).

 * Stolen sweets are best.
 * Colley Cibber, The Rival Fools (1709), Act I.

 * There is a passion for hunting something deeply implanted in the human breast.
 * Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist, (1838), Chapter 10; referring to chasing pickpockets on the streets of London.

 * Diogenes ... saw the officials of a temple leading away someone who had stolen a bowl belonging to the treasurers, and said, "The great thieves are leading away the little thief."
 * Diogenes of Sinope, as reported in Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, 6.45

 * If your claim to fame is that you’ve taken money from other people and haven’t delivered what you promised, that doesn’t make you a genius businessman, that makes you a thief.
 * , on Donald Trump; as quoted in "Donald Trump was awful at boxing, too" by Paul Gagno, The Boxing Tribune (January 19, 2017)

 * All stealing is comparative. If you come to absolutes, pray who does not steal?
 * Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays, Second Series (1844), ‘Experience’.

 * All over Tibet I had seen men who had been deprived of an arm or a leg for theft (...) Penal amputations were done without antiseptics or sterile dressings.
 * Robert W. Ford Wind Between the Worlds: Captured in Tibet by (1957), p. 37.

H-P

 * If any one is committing a robbery and is caught, then he shall be put to death.
 * Code of Hammurabi, Theft Ex. Law #22, [Internet Sacred Text Archive]. Evinity Publishing INC. 2011. Retrieved November 17, 2013.

 * This command forbids us to rob ourselves of what we have by sinful spending, or of the use and comfort of it by sinful sparing, and to rob others by removing the ancient landmarks, invading our neighbour’s rights, taking his goods from his person, or house, or field, forcibly or clandestinely, over-reaching in bargains, nor restoring what is borrowed or found, withholding just debts, rents, or wages, and (which is worst of all) to rob the public in the coin or revenue, or that which is dedicated to the service of religion.
 * Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Ten Commandments

 * The Friar preached against stealing, and had a goose in his sleeve.
 * George Herbert, Jacula Prudentum (1651).

 * Opulence is always the result of theft, if not committed by the actual possessor, then by his predecessor.
 * Saint Jerome, in The Cry for Justice (1915), p. 397

 * I am amazed that (as far as I know) no one has ever treated the idea of a "master-thief," an idea that certainly would lend itself very well to dramatic treatment. We cannot help noting that almost every country has had the idea of such a thief, that an ideal of a thief has hovered before all of them.... We must, of course, imagine him [the master-thief] well-equipped with a very good sense of humor, which can very well be reconciled with his discontent, which is precisely what will make him satirical and — even though he must not be thought of as always being discontented — can still be readily reconciled with his lowly origin at the grassroot level of the nation. ... I would prefer to think of such a master-thief as someone who had lost his father early in life and now has only an old mother whom he loves dearly and she him.
 * Soren Kierkegaard Journals and Letters 1 A 11-16

 * If something is stolen from you, don't go to the police. They're not interested. Don't go to a psychologist either, because he's interested in only one thing: that it was really you who did the stealing.
 * Karl Kraus (1874-1936), Half-Truths and One-and-a-Half Truths (1990). Translated by Harry Zohn.

 * I have a steed, to leave behind The wild bird, and the wilder wind : I have a sword, which does not know How to waste a second blow : I have a matchlock, whose red breath Bears the lightning’s sudden death ; I have a foot of fiery flight, I have an eye that cleaves the night. I win my portion in the land By my high heart and strong right hand.
 * Letitia Elizabeth Landon, Fisher's Drawing Room Scrap Book, 1835 (1834), 'Scene in Kattiawar'

 * Furthermore, in the market and in common trade likewise, this practice is in full swing and force to the greatest extent, where one openly defrauds another with bad merchandise, false measures, weights, coins, and by nimbleness and queer finances or dexterous tricks takes advantage of him; likewise, when one overcharges a person in a trade and wantonly drives a hard bargain, skins and distresses him. And who can recount or think of all these things? To sum up, this is the commonest craft and the largest guild on earth, and if we regard the world throughout all conditions of life, it is nothing else than a vast, wide stall, full of great thieves. Therefore they are also called swivel-chair robbers, land- and highway-robbers, not pick-locks and sneak-thieves who snatch away the ready cash, but who sit on the chair [at home] and are styled great noblemen, and honorable, pious citizens, and yet rob and steal under a good pretext.
 * Martin Luther, "The Large Catechism (VII)".

 * 467. Not to steal money stealthily (Leviticus 19:11) 468. The court must implement punitive measures against the thief (Exodus 21:37) 469. Each individual must ensure that his scales and weights are accurate (Leviticus 19:36) 470. Not to commit injustice with scales and weights (Leviticus 19:35) 471. Not to possess inaccurate scales and weights even if they are not for use (Deuteronomy 25:13) 472. Not to move a boundary marker to steal someone's property (Deuteronomy 19:14) 473. Not to kidnap (Exodus 20:13) 474. Not to rob openly (Leviticus 19:13) 474. Not to withhold wages or fail to repay a debt (Leviticus 19:13) 475. Not to covet and scheme to acquire another's possession (Exodus 20:14) 476. Not to desire another's possession (Deuteronomy 5:18) 477. Return the robbed object or its value (Leviticus 5:23) 478. Not to ignore a lost object (Deuteronomy 22:3) 479. Return the lost object (Deuteronomy 22:1) 480. The court must implement laws against the one who assaults another or damages another's property (Exodus 21:8)
 * Sefer Hamitzvot by Maimonides

 * Desire leads to coveting, and coveting leads to stealing. For if the owner (of the coveted object) does not wish to sell, even though he is offered a good price and is entreated to accept, the person (who covets the object) will come to steal it, as it is written (Mikha 2:2) [Micah 2:2], 'They covet fields and (then) steal them.' And if the owner approaches him with a view to reclaiming his money or preventing the theft, then he will come to murder. Go and learn from the example of Achav [Ahab] and Navot [Naboth].
 * Maimonides "Torah on the Web - Virtual Beit Midrash - 17yitro". Vbm-torah.org. Retrieved 2015-02-25.

 * Theft in America is justified because the whole country is stolen land?
 * Aaron McGruder, The Boondocks, (5/16/1999)

 * In a petty theft you steal money and gold, but in electoral theft you steal the future of the country. The second crime can be committed by the meanest persons.
 * Mehmet Murat

 * Should the unemployed ... do in a small way, what the rich do daily with impunity on a grand scale, should he, in fact, steal, in order to live - the bourgeoisie will heap burning coals of "moral indignation" upon his head, and, with austere visage, hand him over relentlessly in charge of the State, that in its prisons he may be fleeced the more effectively, i.e., cheaper.
 * Johann Most, The Beast of Property (1884)

 * Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Let there be the curse of Allah upon the thief who steals an egg and his hand is cut off, and steals a rope and his hand is cut off.
 * Muhammad Sahih Muslim 17:4185

 * The stinking puddle from which usury, thievery and robbery arises is our lords and princes. They make all creatures their property—the fish in the water, the birds in the air, the plant in the earth must all be theirs. Then they proclaim God's commandments among the poor and say, "You shall not steal."
 * Thomas Müntzer, Letter to the Princes, as cited in Transforming Faith Communities: A Comparative Study of Radical Christianity, p. 173

 * The remaining participants in this criminal mob fled from the area in cars at high speeds
 * Officials 80 people stormed a California Nordstrom store and stole merchandise (November 21, 2021)

 * What’s the cadet motto at West Point? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the CIA director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s — it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. — Texas A&M University (April 15, 2019)
 * I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge,Tyler Durden Sun, (21 April 2019)

 * La propriété, c'est le vol!
 * Property is theft!
 * Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, What is Property? (1840)

Q-Z

 * The male thief, and the female thief, you shall mark, cut, or cut-off their hands/means as a recompense for what they earned, and to serve as a deterrent from God. God is Noble, Wise. Whoever repents after his wrongdoing and makes amends, then God will relent on him. Truly, God is Forgiving, Merciful.
 * Quran, Surah Al-Ma'idah, 5:38-39

 * What has to be explained is not the fact that the man who is hungry steals or the fact that the man who is exploited strikes, but why the majority of those who are hungry don’t steal and why the majority of those who are exploited don’t strike.
 * Wilhelm Reich, The Mass Psychology of Fascism (1933), p. 19

 * When as the sheriff of Nottingham Was come, with mickle grief, He talkd no good of Robin Hood, That strong and sturdy thief.
 * Robin Hood and the Golden Arrow

 * Theft is only punished because it violates the right of property; but this right is itself nothing in origin but theft.
 * Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, Juliette (1797), p. 118

 * Thou hast stolen both mine office and my name; The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
 * William Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors, Act III, scene 1, line 44.

 * A cutpurse of the empire and the rule, That from a shelf the precious diadem stole, And put it in his pocket!
 * William Shakespeare, Hamlet (1600-02), Act III, scene 4, line 99.

 * A plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another!
 * William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part I (c. 1597), Act II, scene 2, line 29.

 * Let me tell you, Cassius, you yourself Are much condemn'd to have an itching palm.
 * William Shakespeare, Julius Cæsar (1599), Act IV, scene 3, line 9.

 * The robb'd that smiles steals something from the thief: He robs himself that spends a bootless grief.
 * William Shakespeare, Othello (c. 1603), Act I, scene 3, line 208.

 * He that is robb'd, not wanting what is stol'n, Let him not know't, and he's not robb'd at all.
 * William Shakespeare, Othello (c. 1603), Act III, scene 3, line 342.

 * In limited professions there's boundless theft.
 * William Shakespeare, Timon of Athens (date uncertain, published 1623), Act IV, scene 3, line 430.

 * The sun's a thief, and with his great attraction Robs the vast sea; the moon's an arrant thief, And her pale fire she snatches from the sun: The sea's a thief, whose liquid surge resolves The moon into salt tears: the earth's a thief, That feeds and breeds by a composture stolen From general excrement: each thing's a thief; The laws, your curb and whip, in their rough power Have uncheck'd theft.
 * William Shakespeare, Timon of Athens (date uncertain, published 1623), Act IV, scene 3, line 439.

 * Stealing of course is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances.
 * Lemony Snicket in "The Wide Window"

 * The Islamic historian Ibn Khaldūn says that looting is morally preferable to entrepreneurship or trade. Why? Because looting is more manly. In looting, you have to beat the guy in open combat to take his stuff.
 * Dinesh D'Souza, America: Imagine the World Without Her (2014).

 * It is true that the theory of our Constitution is, that all taxes are paid voluntarily; that our government is a mutual insurance company, voluntarily entered into by the people with each other; that each man makes a free and purely voluntary contract with all others who are parties to the Constitution, to pay so much money for so much protection, the same as he does with any other insurance company; and that he is just as free not to be protected, and not to pay any tax, as he is to pay a tax, and be protected. But this theory of our government is wholly different from the practical fact.  The fact is that the government, like a highwayman, says to a man: Your money, or your life.  And many, if not most, taxes are paid under the compulsion of that threat.  The government does not, indeed, waylay a man in a lonely place, spring upon him from the road side, and, holding a pistol to his head, proceed to rifle his pockets.  But the robbery is none the less a robbery on that account; and it is far more dastardly and shameful.  The highwayman takes solely upon himself the responsibility, danger, and crime of his own act.  He does not pretend that he has any rightful claim to your money, or that he intends to use it for your own benefit.  He does not pretend to be anything but a robber.  He has not acquired impudence enough to profess to be merely a "protector," and that he takes men's money against their will, merely to enable him to "protect" those infatuated travellers, who feel perfectly able to protect themselves, or do not appreciate his peculiar system of protection.  He is too sensible a man to make such professions as these.  Furthermore, having taken your money, he leaves you, as you wish him to do.  He does not persist in following you on the road, against your will; assuming to be your rightful "sovereign," on account of the "protection" he affords you.  He does not keep "protecting" you, by commanding you to bow down and serve him; by requiring you to do this, and forbidding you to do that; by robbing you of more money as often as he finds it for his interest or pleasure to do so; and by branding you as a rebel, a traitor, and an enemy to your country, and shooting you down without mercy, if you dispute his authority, or resist his demands.  He is too much of a gentleman to be guilty of such impostures, and insults, and villainies as these.  In short, he does not, in addition to robbing you, attempt to make you either his dupe or his slave.  The proceedings of those robbers and murderers, who call themselves "the government," are directly the opposite of these of the single highwayman.
 * Lysander Spooner, No Treason (1867–1870), No. VI: The Constitution of No Authority (1870), pp. 12–13

 * A thief is a lion, but after he has been caught, he will be a slave.
 * Šuruppak, Instructions of Shuruppak (3rd millennium BCE).

 * Suppose to-day Negroes do steal; who was it that for centuries made stealing a virtue by stealing their labor?
 * Booker T. Washington and W. E. B. Du Bois, The Negro in the South, His Economic Progress in Relation to His Moral and Religious Development (1907)

 * Of course clergymen and other paid teachers and moralists admonished us to be upright and unselfish, and for people with good incomes it was easy to condemn those living on the edge of poverty as inferior, impractical, shiftless, and lacking respect for the social code. It was easy to shout thief at the other fellow when you had no temptation to steal-I mean steal in a petty way. But stealing in a big way was often accepted as good business judgment.
 * Art Young: His Life and Times (1939)

Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations

 * Quotes reported in Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922), p. 786-87.

 * Who steals a bugle-horn, a ring, a steed, Or such like worthless thing, has some discretion; 'Tis petty larceny: not such his deed  Who robs us of our fame, our best possession.
 * Francesco Berni, Orlando Innamorato, Canto LV.

 * To keep my hands from picking and stealing.
 * Book of Common Prayer, Catechism.

 * 'Tis bad enough in man or woman To steal a goose from off a common; But surely he's without excuse Who steals a common from the goose.
 * Epigram in Carey's Commonplace Book of Epigrams (1872). Different versions of the same were prompted by the Enclosure Acts. One version given in Sabrinæ Corolla was written when Charles Pratt, first Earl of Camden, took a common strip of land in front of Camden House. Oct. 7, 1764.

 * In vain we call old notions fudge And bend our conscience to our dealing. The Ten Commandments will not budge  And stealing will continue stealing.
 * Motto of American Copyright League (written Nov. 20, 1885).

 * Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
 * Proverbs, IX. 17.

 * Stolen sweets are always sweeter: Stolen kisses much completer; Stolen looks are nice in chapels: Stolen, stolen be your apples.
 * Thomas Randolph, Song of Fairies.

 * Well, well, be it so, thou strongest thief of all, For thou hast stolen my will, and made it thine.
 * Alfred Tennyson, The Foresters, Act III, scene 1.

title: Theft


text:
Ed (TV series)

Ed (2000–2004) was a comedy-drama television show about a hotshot New York lawyer who on the same day is both fired from his job (for a misplaced comma that lost the firm millions of dollars) and discovers that his wife is sleeping with a postal worker. Deciding to pack up and go back to his home town of Stuckeyville, Ohio, he is reunited with friends that he has missed, as well as a woman he had a crush on in high school. Determined to win her heart, he decides to stay, buying a rundown bowling alley and setting up a new law firm in the process.

Pilot

 * Ed: [to Molly about Carol] If you're not born with broad shoulders and a strong jaw, there's only one way to get the girl... you make a complete ass of yourself.

 * Kenny: If there were two bowling alleys, exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores, I'd definitely patronize the one with the whores.

 * Ed: [to Mike] You know when you go into a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.

 * Molly: [to Carol about Ed] You're lucky that you didn't sleep with him. He would've bought a strip mall.

 * Ed: Sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another. It's fate's nasty side, I guess.

The World of Possibility

 * Stuckeyville Stan: In the old days, we would have settled things like this with a baseball bat and a sock full of quarters.

 * Phil: [(to Ed, explaining why he goes by "Jean Tremont" to the salt-and-pepper shaker sales reps] The French thing gives me a business edge. It keeps 'em confused.

 * Ed: I came up with a theory on women. Women are just fancy men. You know what I mean? Start with a man, add a bunch of interesting bells and whistles, and you've got a woman.

 * Phil: [On the phone with salt/pepper shaker sales rep] I've got sales reps from seven companies following me around like I'm a virgin at a rodeo.

 * Ed: [defending Stan in court] Without the world of possibility, what do we have left?

Just Friends

 * Warren: [to Ed] Yeah, I was just wondering... um... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's like, in a bowling alley, or whatever, um... well, are they ever like, "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley?"

 * Ed: [about the mailman] Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.

 * Warren: [to Molly, about Carol] Your friend here is a tough nut to crack, and I am one hungry squirrel.

 * Carol: [on seeing Ed's video] The first time I saw it, I was shocked. Second time, I was horrified. I think it was that third time -- that's the one that scarred me for life.

 * Mike: [regarding the $10 bets] When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.

Pretty Girls and Waffles

 * Bill Woslouis: [choosing the lead for the school play] Go with the pretty broad.

 * Phil: [to Ceela, as she and Ed are discussing her case] Excuse me for interrupting, but I just have to say: you are soooo hot!

 * Ed: [To opposing counsel, after presenting love letter that Dick wrote to Ceela] I think you're looking at a 7-10 split.

 * Carol: [talking to her waffles] We have got some waffles, tasty tasty waffles. Hello, Mr. Waffle, Goodbye, Mr. Waffle. You are a waffle, yeah!

 * Mike: [to waitress, in response to a $10 bet] Burger me!

Better Days

 * Mike: Bullfights and machismo. If you gave Hemingway some bullfights, and a little machismo, he was a happy, happy man.

 * Phil: Shirley, those who raise the bar of expectation, bar the expectation of raise.

 * Kenny: [to Ed] I brought coffee... I didn't know what size you wanted, so I got small, medium and large.

 * Kenny: I always wanted to go on a stakeout. One of my favorite movies is Stakeout. Even better than that was the sequel, Another Stakeout. They really took it to the next level.

 * Ed: [to Phil] Stuckeybowl is a family place - a nice place. It's not a stripper kind of place.

Home Is Where the Ducks Are

 * Ed: [introducing the Festival of Ducks] Quack, quack. That's all I got... beer's over there!

 * Phil: [passing out fliers in the park] Hey, you like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks!

 * Phil: [to Kevin, about his score of 6 when challenged to show his bowling prowess] I got 60% - if a presidential candidate got 60%, it would be a landslide. I got a mandate, Shazzam!

 * Ed: With all due respect, sir, this is a full-assed bowlathon.

 * Ed: Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian ass!

Something Old, Something New

 * Kenny: [to Carol, about Ed] There goes one inspirational bastard.

 * Mike: [about the plans for the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving dinner] I've got my money on grease fire.

 * Carol: [to Ed] I can never decide whether you're totally adorable or totally creepy.

The Whole Truth

 * Warren: [to Carol] I'll be in the van.

 * Dr. Jerome: Take my hand, Dr. Burton. Feel it. What was once a limber, supple instrument of healing now grows withered, leathery and stiff.

 * Warren: [to Carol, about Ed] Is this guy bothering you? Say the word and I'll throw down.

Your Life Is Now

 * Troy McCallum: [to Ed and Carol] Beer always tastes better in Stuckeyville.

 * Warren: [to Ed] What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?

Losing Streak

 * Carol: [to girls' JV basketball team] We are going to take turns bouncing the ball... and whoever bounces the ball the highest wins a Fruit Roll-up.

 * Ed: Oh Carol, I know about your attraction to me... let's just stop torturing ourselves, and let's start doin' it already!

 * Ed: [to Phil] I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins.

Opposites Distract

 * Phil: [to Ed, about laugh tracks] Can't do comedy without one. People need to be told when to laugh.

 * Mike: [to Ed] Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
 * Ed: A big, strong guy.
 * Mike: What if the invisible fat guy has a whip?
 * Ed: Is it an invisible whip?
 * Nancy: This is the worst episode of the McLaughlin group ever.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

 * Ed: Stuckeyville... the place where broken hearts go to mend.

 * Ed: [to Carol, at her birthday party] Didn't you wish for a deep, long, soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?

 * Kenny: I alphabetized all of these... I started with A, and ended with Z.

 * Shirley: I'm going to spend the entire $15 on curly fries...

 * Ed: [to Bonnie, after the kiss on her doorstep] That was the Shirley Temple talking.

The Music Box

 * Ed: [to the chief of police, after asking one question too many] You have nice eyes.

 * Warren: [when running into Jessica and friends registering for the bowling leagues] Well, if I didn't just buy beachfront property in Coincidence City!

 * Bonnie: I changed my mind. That's what we women do.

 * Mike: [as he comes to the door, interrupting Ed and Bonnie] Ed, it's 11:40. We got 20 minutes to save Bobby Hull Hockey from the junkyard...wait, wait a minute. Is your hair mussed up?

 * Mike: Tonight, young Ed Stevens becomes a man!

Valentine's Day

 * Bonnie: [on wearing the 'hat of shame', while apologizing to Ed] I give you my personal guarantee that this is the single ugliest hat in Stuckeyville.

 * Ed: [to Carol] I say even if we marry other people, we still get together every week just to do it.

 * Shirley: [Calling off the facial expressions for Chuck to try out on Phil] Sexy... cool... brainiac... impish... mellow... cute... supercute... Swedish...

 * Phil: [to Chuck, teaching him to be a ladies' man] You're a prancer. You've got a bounce in your step that says 'Hey, look at me, I'm a cute little bunny!'

Loyalties

 * Mike: [as he and Ed hide in the bushes, waiting for Bonnie] I'm not so sure about the superhero costume... I mean, the suit of armor, that made sense to me... a knight in shining armor, that's romantic. But this? Not so much.

 * Shirley: [showing Ed the surveillance tape] That's Kenny. He stood motionless for five hours... Kenny's so talented.

 * Phil: [to Carol] Whoa! You look great. Did you sneak off somewhere and get some work done?

 * Phil: [handing Big Rudy over to Ed] Ed, this is the man responsible for sabotage against one Stuckeybowl Bowling Center. You sir have been served up like a trout on a silver platter.

 * Ed: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders and having lunch.

Live Deliberately

 * Molly: [to Carol after Willie asks her out] I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say "Hello" when you can say "Hellooooooooooooooo"?

 * Warren: [on finding he is in a reading group with Jessica] What God have I pleased to deserve such a favor?

 * Warren: [upon seeing that Jessica might think he`s a little weird for loving "Walden"] This is just a big wakeup call! I mean, whatever, I only read the first three chapters, so the rest might suck.

 * Warren: Time is but the stream I go a-fishin' in.

 * Mike: Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary.

Exceptions

 * Molly: Albert Einstein was put on this earth to come up with the theory of relativity. Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone. James Louis Kraft individually wrapped slices of cheese. Molly Hudson's great purpose on this earth? Not yet decided, but I can tell you, for sure, what it is not, and that is to be a go-between for the greatest romance of our time: Edward J. Stevens, Carol Phyllis Vessey. Will they? Won't they? They fight! They're friends! Ooooh, what will happen next?

 * Dr. Jerome: [to Mike] You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin! I have been a doctor for half a century. You have been a doctor since lunch! I am a man, you are a child! I know everything, you know nothing!

 * Dr. Jerome: [when confronting Mike in his office] What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing!

 * Warren: [reassuring Clark that he can trust Carol with his problem] She's cool. I mean, I've hit her with some pretty deep inside the soul type stuff and she's always been rock-n-roll solid with me. And I gotta say, she's opened up to me a few times.

 * Shirley: Bendy straws make drinking more pleasurable. I'm phasing out the straights.

The Test

 * Mike: [on how he and Nancy can earn money while they both stay home with Sarah] I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.
 * Nancy: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?

 * Warren: If you let me inside, I will take you on a journey of pleasure. Bite the forbidden apple, Carmela. You will find it sweet.

 * Shirley: Ed, one of the goals I have set for myself as your legal assistant is to make sure that when you are drinking coffee, and you finish the coffee, your cup is refilled with more coffee.

 * Carmela: ''[receiving Mike`s thanks for "saving his life"]' That was nothing, Dr. Burton. I used the Heimlich Maneuver. It's such a wonderful maneuver.

 * Warren: [as Mrs. G suggests he play his clarinet like woman, and not try to force it quite so much] Believe me, Mrs. G., you don't have to tell Warren Cheswick how to make a woman sing.

Window of Opportunity

 * Carol: [after Ed says he'll propose if he bowls a strike] That's me moving to the edge of my seat.

 * Warren: [when the concessioner tries to talk him and Donna into the movie combo] Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can!

 * Warren: Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be that bad, right?

 * Ed: [to Ari and Barbara as they stand at the altar] You guys screw this marriage up, I'll have to hunt you down and kill you.

 * Warren: I'm too much the gentleman to convey the details of my interlude, although I will let on that I experimented with certain maneuvers heretofore attempted only in the Orient.

Mind Over Matter

 * Ed: Stuckeybowl, Stuckeyville. Don't tell me that's a coincidence!

 * Mike: [talking about Ed, who is trying to get landmark status for Stuckeybowl] It's so much fun to wind him up and watch him go.

 * Phil: [to Harry, about Ed] Don't even talk to this one in the morning till he's had his second cup of joe.

 * Shirley: Which do you think you could make more money off of: a talking dog or a flying dog?

 * Mike: [to Ed and Carol, who are sitting on the roof] Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!

Mixed Signals

 * Ed: [after he and Phil tell Warren to ask Jessica to the prom] Oh my God, somebody mark down the date and the time. It's never happened before, but I do believe that I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs.

 * Warren: [trying to convince Jessica to be his prom date] What if we just go as friends? Let's just go as friends. I'll buy you a dress!

 * Phil: A cocktail in one hand, a show girl in the other. The casino staff catering to my every whim. To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments.

 * Ed: [asking Carol about her reign] I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say bombed Belgium?

 * Kenny: [on his trip to Caesar's buffet in Vegas] 128 shrimp, $2.99. Suddenly, the house didn't have such an advantage, if you know what I mean!

Prom Night

 * Phil: [to Ed, regarding his move to NYC] Hey Bosco, once I get situated in Gotham, would you mind if I give your ex-wife a call?

 * Warren: [when the pimp questions his given age of 25] Pendleton men have always been a little boyish. It's both a blessing and a curse.

 * Warren: [to the escort Tonya, when he picks her up] Get out of my dreams and into my station wagon.

 * Warren: Look at me. I've got a thin tie. I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom! Woo hoo! I'm my own man.

 * Ed: [to Mike regarding his relationship with Carol after the almost kiss] We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingos engaged in a complex mating dance.

The Stars Align

 * Warren: Let's spend another Friday night in my basement, eating my mom's zucchini bread and watching Battlebots.

 * Warren: I knew it! I knew it! I'm going upstate. Oh my god. I'm going upstate to visit some guy with a name like Ice or Big Daddy. He's gonna make me his bitch and he's gonna trade me for a carton of cigarettes or a girlie magazine!

 * Mike: [to Ed] It would have been a much better story if you, Bonnie, and Carol all started kissing each other.

 * Phil: I remember a time when television used to entertain us with the craftsmanship of writing, acting, directing. Now they just try to shock us with the drek of sensationalistic sewage.

 * Carol: [to Ed] I'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. I'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend.

Changes

 * Ed: [comparing himself and Mike with Dennis] Cool guys? Cool guys? No thank you, we'd much rather be a couple of dorks.

 * George McPherson: [on why he wants to change his name] Life's too short to be someone you don't want to be.

 * Nancy: [watching as Ed`s "Hat Man" tries to pick up women in the bar] This is like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker.

 * Dr. Jerome: While I pride myself in having a facile sense of humor, steeped in both satire and irony, I choose not to use it here.

 * Mike: [after Ed makes fun of his pants] Dockers kick ass, Ed.

A Job Well Done

 * Phil: I manage a bowling alley. It's my job to trade in dreams and illusions. Oh my child, you wouldn't understand...
 * Ed: Phil, get your hand off my face.

 * Ed: [sitting on a horse ride at a playground] Look at me everybody! I'm a cowboy! Yee haw!

Crazy Time

 * Shirley: If this is the first annual party, how can you be taking it to the next level?

 * Warren: [on his pep rally plans] I'm gonna rock this hizzy!

 * Molly: [on accepting Jim`s invitation to join him at the Goat] I have the willpower of a lima bean.

 * Molly: After all, it's Friday and shouldn't we be thanking God for that?

 * Warren: [during his pep rally take-over] If you didn't come to party then take your shabby ass home, cuz Chezz-Cat is in the house!

Closure

 * Ed: Bear my children.
 * Carol: Would you settle for a Velamint?
 * Ed: Absolutely

 * Jim: [as he takes Molly to the home of defunct video games] This is where fun comes to die.

 * Dr. Jerome: [on Mike`s assertion that his MD from Johns Hopkins is preparation enough for the practice] You aren't prepared to sell fish from the back of a truck, you slobbering moose!

 * Kenny: [trying to break the ice with Liz, Ed's ex] By the way, I would have cheated on him too.

Replacements

 * Phil: [when Joe asks what he does] Don't try to pigeonhole me.

 * Warren: [on Abraham Lincoln`s wrestling career] He'd throw down his top hat and start kicking ass!

 * Warren: Don't tell anyone, but I'm currently developing the 5/8 Nelson.

 * Carol: [on Molly`s assertion that she is in love with Dennis] I'm not obsessed with him. I'm intrigued by the enigma.

The New World

 * Mike: [when Nancy warns her cookies are hot] I have the pain threshold of a camel.

 * Cookie Mom: [sampling Nancy`s cookie] This son of a bitch is a homerun.

 * Shirley: I could eat stew seven nights a week. I don't, but I could.

 * Mike: [on how to deal with the cookie moms] If things get rough, you could make them a cookie they can't refuse.

Goodbye Sadie

 * Diane: Warren Cheswick. Tell me when exactly you decided wearing turtlenecks was a good idea.

 * Ed: [to Carol] You and I are just left with night after night of empty, physical pleasure.

 * Warren: For the first time in my life, I'm giving off pheromones! Thick, billowing clouds of pheromones!

 * Warren: Seriously, Ed. I owe you big time. You're my dog!

Charity Cases

 * Nancy: [when Mike says they must kick bad habits for Sarah`s sake] You were eating a pop tart naked, so I can't watch E! News Daily?!

 * Shirley: I'm still fine tuning the egg to nog ratio.

 * Nancy: [indulging Mike`s new cultural side] Welcome home, Michael, would you like a crumpet?

 * Ed: [on why he needs so much clothes] Pants and back up pants.

 * Ed: Giving should never hurt. You should just give until it feels good.

Small Town Guys

 * Nancy: You scared the Steak-ums out of me!

 * Mike: [while wearing a Dr. Jerome costume] I just thought since that buffalo-brained husband of yours wasn't here, you'd like to get it on with one Dr. Walter Jerome.

 * Carol: [to Ed] If it's any consolation at all, I think you look damn cute in the bowling shirts.

 * Judge LaRue: [reprimanding Gary Saringo] What law school did you go to TV boy?

Two Days of Freedom

 * Mike: [regarding Outback Steak Houses] What does steak have to do with Australia? It's like the Greenland Spaghetti House.

 * Carol: [to Dennis] You know, there IS something that's special about you. You're the last jerk I'm ever going to date.

 * Carol: Sometimes it's not easy for boys and girls to be friends. And I know because it's not easy for me, either.

 * Dennis: [to Carol] I brought that girl to the party because I was trying to make you disposable... I couldn't.

Ends and Means

 * Ed: Boxes were made of steel back when I was a kid and everything cost a nickel.

 * Mike: [giving Nancy advice on being a substitute teacher] Wear sturdy pants tomorrow. You're gonna need 'em.

 * Ed: If you think parading two goons in fifteen hundred dollar suits is enough to intimidate me, then you are being stunningly foolish.

 * Mark: [on what makes him miserable] For me, it's the insult of not being able to legally purchase a fine cigar.

Youth Bandits

 * Phil: I know the gang thinks its adorable to call you ‘Molls' but to keep everyone within earshot from vomiting, I'm gonna stick with 'Molly'.

 * Barney Stacuzzo: [to Carol, when she tries to convince the band to not play at the funeral] I'm sorry, Yoko, but you don't get a vote in this.

 * Mark: Down is up, left is right, and Logic is on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason.

 * Mark: [in a tattoo parlor] I feel like I'm gonna get hepatitis just standing here.

 * Warren: [to Jessica, as she is dumping him] Jess, come on. Throw a dog a bone.

Things To Do Today

 * Shirley: Good luck finding the beautiful psychotic lady. Toodle-oo.

 * Molly: I never thought that knowing how to play the recorder could be such a liability.

 * Jennifer Bradley: Life is about opening doors...to new places, new people, new opportunities.
 * Ed: What kinds of opportunities have you gotten by acting like a raving lunatic?

 * Warren: Your fickle friends Who, What Where, Why and When can fly you to the moon one day and leave you high and dry and begging for mercy the next.

 * Warren: [on Dennis] He's a very unpredictable man, with the temperament of a jungle cat, I might add.

Nice Guys Finish Last

 * Phil: Where there's chaos, there's opportunity, baby!
 * Ed: I'm in hell.

 * Phil: [showing the truckers his edible air fresheners] Now that's a 10-4 if I ever tasted one, good buddy.

 * Phil: Truckers don't live on gas, grass, and ass alone.

 * Molly: [to Jim] Get out of this school now or my hand to god, I will kick your ass in front of the A/V squad.

Lloyd

 * Lloyd Stevens: A guy doesn't want to be a 10. A guy wants to be a solid 7. Anything above that starts to ask more questions than it answers.

 * Mike: [on Nancy's internet chatting addiction] Pass me the yellow pages, would you, hon? I want to start looking for one of those cult deprogrammers.

 * Warren: [on dating Diane] It would never work. Diane is a cynic. Warren Cheswick is a dreamer.
 * Mark: Warren Cheswick is a jack ass.

 * Lloyd Stevens: [to Ed] Will you relax? You've got the constitution of a titmouse.

 * Warren: [on why he didn't attend a party] I decided to go down to the Home Depot and buy a whole crapload of lumber. I like to build big things.

Trust

 * Mike: [to Ed] My God, it is so embarrassing when you try to act like an actual guy.

 * Phil: [to Ed] When did you stop being 'my man' and start being 'The Man'?

 * Molly: [to Carol] When it comes to human interest stories, you can never go wrong with abnormally large produce.

 * Phil: [to AFL-CIO reps] Don't let me rot to death in this sweatshop!

 * Nancy: [on Mike] We all do stupid little things we're not proud of.

Power of the Person

 * Warren: [to Rabbi] Playing hard to get, nice...very svelte...

 * Warren: I'm not really here to confess. Just taking the booth for a test drive.

 * Mark: [to Warren] Tell them you won't sign with anyone till they get you in a room with God himself.

 * Ed: [to Carol] Let me cut to the chase: your boyfriend's an ass. Fry?

 * Reverend Isaac: [to Warren] Last time I mentioned this girl, your face popped out like a blowfish.
 * Warren: You have no way of knowing this, but I am usually very, very cool.

Memory Lane

 * Mike: [to Ed] You hear that whistle? It's the Carol train leaving the station.

 * Warren: [on seasoned curly fries] They're too complicated. It's like my tongue is taking an exam.

 * Mike: Ed, I'm going to get us a couple of extremely cold beers and you and I are going out on the back porch for a good old fashioned father-son talk.

 * Warren: [to Diane] Tonight your every foot fall should be cushioned by rose petals. And if I run out of rose petals, I have Styrofoam peanuts.

 * Carol: No matter what changes, the past is always part of me.
 * Ed: The past is all well and good. I feel I need to start working on my future.

Last Chance

 * Molly: See you all tomorrow for our last class of the year, or as I like to call it, 'a complete and utter waste of time'.

 * Warren: I'm very fond of enormous pants, music that combines elements of heavy metal and rap, and most of all, skateboarding.

 * Phil: [to Gus the tailor] If you don't mind, I like my tailors to be called 'Antonio'.

 * Molly: [to Mike and Nancy] When I listen to the two of you sing that song, I feel like I'm--what's the best way to put this?--wanting to kill myself.

 * Carol: [on the ferris wheel] Who can say no to a large, mechanical wheel?

Human Nature

 * Ed: [to Mike, describing his moment with Carol] That was a movie kiss, a movie kiss my friend! I was Humphrey Bogart and Cary Grant rolled up into one.

 * Warren: [watching Kenny bowl towards 300] A chance to witness perfection. Last time I did that, I was doing shirtless sit ups in the mirror.

 * Kenny: [using his senile great-grandfather`s parting words] I'll see ya when I see ya unless I see ya when I see ya.

 * Phil: [as Ed departs with an irate Carol] My man Bosco's about to get a good ole fashioned ass chewin'.

 * Dennis: [at the midnight duel for Carol] On the count of three, you and I are gonna start pounding the crap out of each other with these cricket bats.

Miss Stuckeyville

 * Warren: [about Carol] She's so bootylicious as a middle aged woman, I tremble to think how she must've been when she was young.

 * Ed: [about Carol] I kissed her, right? Plant the ole seeds of doubt? She fought it all summer and now she can't fight no mo'.

 * Mark: I like being a loser because we can brood and feel things deeply and make fun of the winners.

 * Warren: [to Ed] Right up until you nailed that hot DA a couple years ago, I thought you were as gay as a French horn.

 * Carol: [to Ed, on his denial of her engagement] I am desperate for you to accept that...because if you don't, it's the end of us.

The Road

 * Mike: I'm thrilled you seem to have gotten over Carol. I'm concerned that you seem to have fallen in love with a man.

 * Phil: [about Eli] Look at him squirm now that the chair's on the other foot...or should I say ass?

 * Phil: [on Eli's forfeit] I've enjoyed a lot of victories in my life but for some reason, this one is particularly sweet.

 * Frank: [to Ed] I didn't find happiness on the road...I was happy before I left.

Charlotte and Wilbur

 * Warren: That's why God put me here, assuming there is a God and he puts people places.

 * Mike: Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana.

 * Eli: The future's going to throw things at you, like it or not. I say 'Bring it on'.

 * Molly: [to Warren] Are you here to join us or are you going to strip naked and show us your number two pencil?

 * Rich Vessey: [discovering his colon polyp is benign] Well hello red meat and cigars!

The Divorce

 * Molly: [to Carol, about Ed] If you care enough about the person, you may never get over it.

 * Molly: [to Ed] Is your brain made out of linoleum all of a sudden?

May the Best Man Win

 * Carol: Oysters are pretty blank in the brain department, especially when they're fried.

 * Molly: [narrating a slide show] Here's Carol and Dennis becoming a 'we'.

 * Phil: [to Ed, thinking Jen is a stripper] Jennifer. Huh. How do these dancers come up with these names?

 * Mike: [to Ed, on why he and Dennis will never be friends] You hate that Carol's marrying him and he hates that Carol should be marrying you.

 * Phil: [about Ed's work ethic] I thought, hmmmm, he must be Amish.

The Wedding

 * Mark: [to Warren] You have created a level of lameness that can only be recreated under pure laboratory conditions.

 * Warren: [eating ice cream with Stella at the cemetery] Here we are enjoying all this creamy deliciousness and there they are, dead.

 * Warren: I fear losing my virginity would compromise my intense spirituality.

 * Warren: [about Stella] She's about as white as a trout's belly.

 * Warren: [examining prophylactics with Mark] Imagine something this ornate coming at you.

Trapped

 * Carol: [on Ed's gift of a tuning fork] It's time for me to get 'back in tune'. Isn't that so clever it just makes you sick!? When it comes to hackneyed freshman comp symbolism, no one does it like Edward Stevens!

 * Shirley: [planning how to get Ed and Carol together] We could slip them a mickey. I don't know what exactly a mickey is, but I do know you slip them to people.

 * Ed: I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike with my bare fists till the soul rises from his body, then I'm going to grab his soul by the neck and start giving it open handed slaps-

 * Eli: [to Ed] You ain't gonna fire no brother in a wheelchair!
 * Phil: Or a very, very light skinned brother who's allergic to cat dander.

 * Ed: Carol, in my opinion, you and I have only one problem and that problem is you're in love with me but you're too afraid to admit it to yourself.
 * Carol: My honest opinion is you're in love with some ideal version of me that I can't possibly live up to.

Makeovers

 * Mark: [during his medical checkup with Mike] Far be it for me to criticize your bedside manner, but I do believe that was a sigh of despair you just heaved.
 * Mike: Mark, if you don't do something, and do it now, you're going to die.

 * Shirley: [complimenting Mark on his Santa] You inhabit the role with a breezy confidence.

 * Warren: [to Mark, about his health] What am I supposed to do, shut up and watch you kill yourself?

 * Lloyd Stevens: [to Ed] You like that I'm the screw up brother...You really don't like me, Ed, and that's ok, because I'm not that crazy about you either.

Neighbors

 * Nancy: [On Mike's preparations for the Recliner Rally] I love a man with ripped ankles.

 * Carol: [Still trying to convince Molly to apply to be principal] You have an opportunity to shine and you're terrified.

 * Sam: [To Phil, rejecting his proposed ad campaign] You're just not likeable.

 * Molly: [Sharing her philosophy of helping students] Kicking ass, doing nothing, and throwing frogs.

Frankie

 * Shirley: [About drilling holes into bowling balls] Two are serviceable. One is an insult to the art form.

 * Mark: [To Mike] The hungrier I am, the more I need to make up for it with bitter sarcasm.

 * Warren: [When asked what his favorite thing is] Girls, ladies, women, any of those...

 * Molly: [Bonding with SHS students] Hack on, you wacky hackey sackers.

 * Frankie: [To her boyfriend] And this is the famous Ed Stevens.
 * Ed: If I were really famous, you wouldn't have to say my name.

Partners

 * Frankie: [On why she didn't come in early for work] If you show up at 4:30 for a six o'clock dinner party, for the rest of your life, you're the weird guy.

 * Phil: [Pleased to learn Frankie is signing on] Ever since Kenny left, there's a real lack of sexual tension here.

 * Molly: [After Carol is hit on by a guy] Looks like Miss Vessey's gonna get some afternoon delight.

 * Dr. Jerome: [To Mike] I'll do what I want, when I want, you thick witted pelican, and if you don't like it, you can either kiss my ass or write your congressman.

 * Dr. Jerome: [To Mike, offering him his old job] What do you say, Chim-Chim, you wanna come home again?

Hyenas & Wildebeests

 * Mike: [Preparing to bowl his third straight strike] It's just a giant yo yo, release it and pull the string.

 * Molly: [To a parent of a bullied student] Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker.

 * Nancy: [When asked what words Carol used to describe Rich] Adjectives mostly. She better have used adjectives, she's an English teacher right?

 * Eli: [To Ed, about his reaction to Extreme Bowling] You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself. I got 3 things to say: insurance, insurance, insurance.

 * Molly: [To Carol] We can either be the person that everyone wants us to be or we can be the person we want to be.

The Case

 * Ed: ''[To the prosecutor]]' The judge ordered you to get me those files by yesterday morning and it's now today morning!

 * Frankie: [To a witness] No chance Danny was wearing, say, a red leotard?

 * Molly: [On her advantage over Ryan] He gives me the cold shoulder, I give him detention.

Blips

 * Warren: [To Stella, who seems not to remember him] Warren...Cheswick...we almost did it that time... You offered to shine your love upon me...

 * Warren: [Wishing he could win Stella's heart] God I wish I was a wunderkind! If I could get the arts and leisure section of the New York Times to label me a wunderkind.

 * Warren: [To Stella] I'm a red blooded 18 year old American male. You can't just offer an American male a chance to fornicate and then just turn him down.

 * Warren: [To Peter] Just out of curiosity, is it that you can't paint a painting that looks like anything or is it that you just don't want to?

 * Shirley: [About Eli's refusal to eat duck eggs because they come out of a duck's ass] Eggs don't come from the ass, per se.

Good Advice

 * Shirley: Ed, I think you ought to know that Frankie is in your office, bawling her eyes out in a most unprofessional manner. Shall I fire her for you?

 * Ed: [to Frankie] The relationships that you struggle with never work out in the long run. The ones that work, just plain work.

 * Warren: [to Mark, about his night with Stella] Last night, I, Warren P. Cheswick, became a man!

 * Warren: [to Stella] Where do you want to live? When I graduate high school?

 * Mark: [to Warren about Stella] You're acting like a puppy who just tasted his first Snausage.

Captain Lucidity

 * Shirley: [describing her missing Mexican Jumping bean] It looks like a regular bean but every now and then it bounces in a particularly disappointing way.

 * Phil: [as president, in Ed's dream] Mr. Vice President, there is nothing more important than the day a boy becomes a man in the eyes of God.

 * Mike: [reliving high school, in Ed's dream] Can I put my collar down now?

 * Ed: [on his version of ebonics, in his dream] I'm just a white guy from Ohio, I'm doing the best I can here.

 * Phil: [as president, in Ed's dream] Say the word and I will Air Force One our asses to Cancun.

Business As Usual

 * Nancy: [about Mike and Dr. Jerome] They're like two nine-year-olds fighting over a Zagnut bar.

 * Dr. Jerome: With all due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack jawed llama.

 * Nancy: [explaining the consequences if Mike and Walter don`t get along] Dr. Jerome I will break into your house in the middle of the night and beat you with my bare fists.

 * Carol: [describing Frankie] Hello I'm a sweet little pixie one minute, and I'm a hot little pixie the next.

Babysitting

 * Nancy: [to Mike, pondering Ed's qualifications for babysitting] Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.

 * Nancy: [to Ed about her daughter] If anything happens to her, I'll make it my life's work to destroy everything you hold dear.

 * Mike: [feeling Linda`s hands, kept smooth with her own moisturizer] Yup, pretty moist there Linda.

 * Shirley: [to Phil, about Eli's arrival] Before he came, you were a cold narcissistic cipher. Now you seem almost human.

Second Chances

 * Ed: [to Mike, as hecontemplates buying a "how to" guide] I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.

 * Mike: [after wowing Nancy in bed] Men don't understand love making is a delicate blend between soul and flesh.

 * Mike: [to Nancy, who complained that he is not willing to make extra effort in the bedroom] You have been getting steak all week and are complaing about a turkey club now?

The Movie

 * Molly: [to Carol, refusing to let her give up on Ed] If you give up, I will kill you with my bare hands, which we both know I can do 'cause I?m quite a bit stronger.

 * Warren: [to Stella, as she breaks up with him] Panic is the enemy, Stella, panic is the enemy!

 * Ed: [on Carol's intentions] She just wants to bat me around like a kitty cat with a half dead mouse.

The Decision

 * Carol: [to Ed] Can you tell me you are 100% certain that you do not want to be with me? Because if you can, just say the word and I will walk right out that door.

 * Mike: [about his office] This is where all the magic happens, if you call throat cultures magic.

 * Dr. Jerome: Excuse me, Dr. Burton, I hate to interrupt, but I need you in the exam room. Could you please take your thumb out of your ass and join me?

 * Mike: [after Nancy said that Mike's co-ed friend was a babe and a half] She was nothing compared to my wife, who's a babe and three quarters.

 * Ed: [to Carol] Everywhere I went, I saw us... I love you. I love every part of you.
 * Carol: Can I please kiss you now?

New School

 * Carol: [on why she isn't inviting Ed in] Tonight was absolutely perfect and I want to remember it just exactly as it is.

 * Mike: [finding out that Willie Butch costs $1000] Lineage!? I'm buying a dog, not the Prince of Wales!

 * Mike: [on learning Willie Butch`s pedigree is not all it was cracked up to be] I paid for the caviar of dogs and got the Starkist.

 * Mike: Do you think Willie Butch knows I'm human or does he just think I'm a really talented dog?"

 * Shirley: They're pies with the selling power of hot cakes. It's the best of both worlds.

New Car Smell

 * Mike: [about talking to Ed about Carol] I thought he was being an idiot, but of course, I couldn't come right out and say that..actually, I could come right out and say that.

 * Ed: [to Carol, as she is moving in] Welcome to my humble abode... or as the plains Indians would say, my humble adobe.

 * Warren: [about his history with Carol] We just...POW...you know, it was just this intense attraction that wouldn't, nay couldn't, be denied.

 * Carol: [to Ed] I recognize the full irony in what I'm about to say, but do you think there's any way I can interest you in screwing the top back on the toothpaste?

 * Mike: [when Nancy gets upset that he brings home low fat instead of skim] Look at the 98 percent of the milk I got right.

The Dream

 * Phil: [trying to convince Ed to hire him as a jockey] I'm actually deceptively light. I have the bone structure of a bird.

 * Ed: If dreams are safe, then they're not really dreams, are they? They're plans.

 * Ed: [to Carol] I might not always agree with you, but I will always be with you and I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out.

 * Warren: [on his poor SAT score] One stupid test and I'm road kill on the highway of natural selection.

History Lessons

 * Mike: [as Nancy chimes in on their conversation] That's what I love about her, Ed. She has no idea what I'm talking about and still she has an answer.

 * Ed: '[about Carol's ex]'' Every time I picture this guy in my head, he's taking on a new superpower.

 * Mike: [about Ed reading Carol's letters] Ed, you can't even see the line from where you're standing.

 * Ed: [to Carol] We're a couple, but we can have a past.

Death, Debt, & Dating

 * Warren: My loins must be teeming with life!

 * Mike: [ripping tape off Warren`s bare chest] Suck it up. If you're man enough to get a woman pregnant, you're man enough to handle a little pain.

 * Phil: [planning Mr. Fish's funeral] The man died on our watch. We can hardly afford talk of a cover up.

 * Phil: [about Mr. Fish] He was here...and when he was here, he made damned sure you noticed him.

 * Mike: [sneaking into Molly's office] I'm like a stealth bomber, invisible despite my size.

The Offer

 * Mark: Please note that the statements made by Warren Cheswick do not reflect the views of Mark Vanacore.

 * Warren: [when Nancy asks he and Mark to do her a favor] You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. I don't have an itch just yet, but I'll let you know.

 * Dr. Jerome: [demanding that Mike harass his granddaughter, a medical student] I want her tested. I want her ground into a fine powder and then we're going to add water to that powder and see if we have a medical student.

 * Dr. Jerome: [describing a fresh-out-of-med-school Mike] You need to see what I saw when you lurched through my door for the first time: a big useless slab of rock.

 * Mark: Next time I see a cool kid in the hall, I'll want to think 'moron' but now I'll think 'outstanding taste in web humor.'

Goodbye, Stuckeyville

 * Ed: [explaining to Eli why he`s following Carol to New York] I'm not desperate, Eli; I guess you could say I'm in love.

 * Warren: [on Carol`s announcement that she`s been offered a writing job at Bridge & Tunnel] Way to work it, Miss Vessey!

 * Eli: [scaring off a prospective Stuckeybowl buyer] I'd have asked you to bowl a few, but I'm not sure if any other lanes are working -- unless you wanna bowl on the one a guy just died on.

 * Molly: [toasting Carol at her going away party] Carol - kick some New York ass!

Therapy

 * Ed: [as Ed`s story about Carol`s move to NYC kicks into gear] I'm gonna need s'more root beer.

 * Molly: [explaining the circumstances that led to her intimate encounter with Phil] My tale of woe begins one evening at Stuckeybowl.

 * Ed: [after Carol explains that it`s out-of-fashion in NYC] Trucker cap, I hardly knew ye.

 * Phil: [enticing Molly to participate in sliding down the hall of Stuckeyville H.S. in a puddle of soap suds] You wanna ride the serpent?

The Proposal

 * Mike: [bursting Ed`s bubble after learning of his grandiose proposal plans] Ed, you can't propose like that -- it's cheesy.

 * Russ Burton: [about a turkey fryer] This fine piece of modern technology is going to allow us to prepare a Thanksgiving turkey the way the good Lord above intended.

 * Mike: [to Ed] Say, 'Carol, will you marry me?' How's that for a plan?

 * Shirley: [calculating how many turkeys are needed to feed 30 people] You need 12,000 turkeys.

Just a Formality

 * Ed: [about talking to Carol's father] If you're gonna ask a man for his daughter's hand in marriage, the least you can do is put on a suit and tie and buy him a steak.

 * Rich Vessey: [responding to Ed's request for his blessing] I'll think about it, and I'll let you know.

Home For Christmas

 * Mike: [about Ed closing Stuckeybowl] At the end of an era, all the great ones from Laverne and Shirley to Mary Tyler Moore, they all do the slow turn, nod and hit the lights.

Back in the Saddle

 * Shirley: [on why Ed's ex-wife is in town] I surmised that she needs a kidney.
 * Phil: She wants to break up your impending nuptials with one Miss Carol Vessey. It's cat fight time, meow.

 * Eli: [to Jennifer] You wanna know how a dude in a wheelchair gonna make you scream and holler like a damn werewolf.

 * Toby: This Ed comes off like some sort of race car driver.

Hidden Agendas

 * Phil: [to Eli, on Dalton Locke hanging up on him] You didn't even drop the F-Bomb!

 * Ed: [as he and Carol decide where to honeymoon] Gracias or Mahalo?

 * Molly: [about Ed's ex-wife] Yes! You. Talk to Liz. Unless you want to kick her ass. In which case I will be there to see it.
 * Carol: Nah. She is weak. I am mighty. Wouldn't be fair.

 * Mike: [being metaphorical trying to get Gunter to be comfortable about his supposed sexual preference] Two lilies together. Who am I to judge? Who is anybody?

Best Wishes

 * Dr. Jerome: [to Mike about his working while having the flu] I am not a veterinarian, Son. I do not have the wherewithal to treat all of these people when they come back in here with whatever strain of baboon flu you might have given them.?

 * Carol: [to warren, after she catches him in the shower with Stella] If you tell anyone that you saw me naked, I swear to God I will kill you.?
 * Warren: I feel like I should be able to call you Carol now.

 * Carol: [on Stella`s assertion that Warren is an adult] Oh, please! Stella, look at him. He's raising his hand.

 * Mark: [on the consequences of Warren`s tryst in Ed and Carol`s guest room] The wax melted and the wings came off? You flew too close to the sun, Icarus. Now you?re paying for it.

 * Warren: [about seeing Carol naked] Ed, you have to know it was completely unintentional. There was never any intention to lay a hand on your intended. I swear to God those weren't my intentions.

Happily Ever After

 * Ed: [regarding his and Carol`s desire to have a special, unique wedding] We want to be like the wedding equivalent of Cheers and right now it's more like Coupling.
 * Mike: What's wrong with Coupling? I like that show. It's provocative.

 * Carol: Can I bounce some of my wedding ideas off you?
 * Molly: Bounce away, Sister!

 * Shirley: [explaining to Phil why the term `fo shizzle` is no longer hip] Ever since Fran Dresher used it in an Old Navy commercial, African-American 'izzle'-speech has been on a rapid decline."

 * Ed: [his wedding toast] I've always believed that life is divided into two parts: what is and what should be. And that, with a lot of effort, some hard work, and maybe a little luck, there are moments in your life when the two parts touch. When what is and what should be are the same. I guess I can't help but think that standing here next to Carol, next to my wife, and in front of all of you friends and family, all of us here inside this crazy, beautiful, dumpy old bowling alley which I love, I can't help but think that this is one of those times. And I thank you.

Cast

 * Tom Cavanagh - Ed Stevens
 * Julie Bowen - Carol Vessey
 * Justin Long - Warren Cheswick
 * Josh Randall - Dr. Mike Burton
 * Jana Marie Hupp - Nancy Burton
 * Lesley Boone - Molly Hudson
 * Michael Ian Black - Phil Stubbs
 * Rachel Cronin - Shirley Pifko
 * Mike Starr - Kenny Sandusky (2000-2002)
 * Michael Genadry - Mark Vanacore (2001-2004)
 * Ginnifer Goodwin - Diane Snyder (2001-2004)
 * Daryl Mitchell - Eli Goggins (2002-2004)

title: Ed (TV series)


text:
User talk:142.22.16.56

Incidents of deliberate vandalism have resulted in this IP address being temporarily blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 20:24, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

~ UDScott 18:11, 1 December 2006 (UTC)

2010
~ Ningauble 14:12, 3 March 2010 (UTC)

title: User talk:142.22.16.56


text:
User talk:128.220.191.126

For a few minutes, I mistakenly put a message here that should have been for another user. Sorry. ~ Kalki 20:51, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:128.220.191.126


text:
User talk:12.78.0.220

When people are not interested in responsibly contributing to the development of Wikiquote incidents of their deliberate vandalism can result in IP addresses being blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 20:54, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:12.78.0.220


text:
User talk:216.209.117.127

~ Kalki 22:44, 23 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:216.209.117.127