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The Mighty Boosh (TV series)

The Mighty Boosh (2004–2007) is a surreal cult comedy which started as a stage show and then as a radio programme. It began on television as a show about two slightly hapless zookeepers under the supervision of Bob Fossil. It then took place in a flat in Camden Town in series 2 and in a store, "Nabootique," in series 3.

Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh! Taglines

Killeroo

 * Howard: I'll take you out for a meal with Mr and Mrs. Pain. Order up some violent quiche.

 * Both: Captain Cabinets, Trapped in cabinets. Can he get out? Will he get out? Course he will.

 * Fossil: The antipodian, masheeun, The Killeroo!
 * Howard: What's all that about, I didn't know anything about that.
 * Vince: Come on, it's just hype, you'll get the same treatment.
 * Howard: Will I?
 * Vince: Wait 'till you hear your introduction, come on [reassuring Howard]
 * Fossil: Aaaaand fighting the Killeroo: Howard Mooooooon [silence in the crowd] [under breath] Former male prostitute...

 * Vince: Sit down. Now, that was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever. But don't worry alright? Dance around a bit, bob and weave O.K? And keep him at bay with your jab alright? Just punch him in the snout alright? Howard, Howard?
 * Howard: Have you come about the croutons?
 * Vince: Just punch the big mouse. [inserts gum shield into Howard's mouth]

 * Vince: [Recollections and flashbacks flashing on screen] All the images, what do they mean? How do you Kill-A-Roo?
 * Australian: His balls mate, grab his flamin' balls.
 * Vince: Oh right.
 * Australian: [shakes head] Christ you're thick.

Mutants

 * Bob Fossil: [Addressing children] Why are you people so small? I can rest my drinks on your heads.

 * Howard: Sometimes I wish I could take all my skin off and writhe about.
 * Mrs. Gideon: That's disgusting.
 * Howard: No, it's a metaphor.
 * Mrs Gideon: Still disgusting.

 * Howard: I'd like to think that I will be remembered many years after my own death.
 * Vince: What for?
 * Howard: For the things I say and do.
 * Vince: The things you say? Like what, "Have you seen my light blue trousers?", "Can I have a crisp?"

 * Vince: Your head's a bit like a man's thigh.
 * Howard: What? There's such a thing as having too much going on in your face you know? All a bit too busy. All the features, jostling for position, yeah? The eyes screaming out? The nose? Very visually noisy, your face.
 * Vince: Visually noisy?
 * Howard: Yeah, it's like a brass band under a wig. Marching towards me every day.
 * Vince: Look at your face, ambient, pure ambience, it's like The Orb's third album.

 * Howard: Having fun are you? Gonna do a portrait are you?
 * Vince: Yeah, I might have a go at her nude.
 * Howard: [Grabs Vince by the neck] Let me tell you something, O.K? You go near her with a paint brush, I'll come at you like a mighty bazooka. I love that lady. Right?
 * Vince: Listen, start any of that funny business?
 * Howard: Yeah or else?
 * Vince: You touch me, Bollo'll rinse you out like a hot flannel.

 * Dixon Bainbridge: Make something up you prick, tell them he got eaten by the python.
 * Fossil: The who?
 * Dixon Bainbridge: The windy man, the long mover.
 * Fossil: Oh yeah...

Bollo

 * Howard: ...not as outlandish as they would have been if you had not you spent half the budget on your hair.
 * Vince: My hair's an intrinsic ingredient to this show. Do you mind?
 * Howard: Do you really need fifteen people working on it at any one point.
 * Vince: At least. Two for fringe. One for feathering. One for height. Circumference?
 * Howard: Circumference?
 * Vince: Yeah hair circumference, there's a lot to think about with hair. If, if my barnet don't look right, people get furious, they tune out immediately.
 * Howard: I think you underestimate the power of my acting to hold a crowd.
 * Vince: I don't think so.
 * Howard: I don't need a funny little hair-do for that. I do my own hair.
 * Vince: The council does your hair.

 * Ape of Death: Howard Moon, you are to be thrown into the pit of eternal fire for heinous crimes.
 * Howard: But Bollo lead a clean life?
 * Ape of Death: Yeah, but you bummed that fox.
 * Howard: That's just a rumour.
 * Ape of Death: No smoke without fire...which, incidentally, you'll be seeing quite a bit of from here in on!

Tundra

 * Howard: Just imagine the headlines; "Howard Moon, colon, Explorer." Got a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
 * Vince: "Colon explorer"? I think that's got the wrong ring to it.

 * Dixon Bainbridge: I understand it took Howard Moon one month to grow that moustache. Check the insect cabinet, I think we're one caterpillar short!

 * Fossil: I want everyone to mind their P's and Q's. That means NO effin' and Jeffin'.

 * Howard: Pass me the first of his last words. Come on.
 * Vince: Get off, gettin' them in the right order.
 * Howard: We're not playing scrabble, just come on, bring it on.

 * North Pole Native: That is an interesting story, but now we must eat. You must dine with us and try the local delicacy. [Other native vomits on a plate]
 * Howard: Yeah, not actually that hungry.
 * North Pole Native: We will be very offended if you do not eat with us.
 * Howard: Suppose I could try a little bit. [Takes a spoon full and eats some vomit] Mmmm.
 * North Pole Native: Ah here comes the food now, sandwiches my favourite. Somebody clear this sick away.

 * Dixon Bainbridge: Listen here you Icey bastard, let's set some ground rules.

Jungle

 * Tommy: There are only two kinds of men who venture into the jungle at this time of night: a fool or an idiot.

 * Vince: Who are you?
 * Rudi: I go by many names.
 * Vince: Well, what are they, then?
 * Rudi: I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time.

 * Howard: Tommy was a dreamer. We all dream ... but do we really dream?
 * Vince: Yeah. We do.
 * Howard: Yeah, but do we really dream?
 * Vince: Yeah, we do. What's your point?

 * Vince: You've got to accept it, Howard. We all die.
 * Howard: We all die, but do we really die?
 * Vince: What is that?
 * Howard: Something Tommy taught me. Never stop questioning the nature of reality.
 * Vince: I know you're questioning the nature of reality, but are you really questioning it?
 * Howard: Now you're getting it.
 * Vince: I am getting it ... but am I really getting it?
 * Howard: That's enough now.
 * Vince: It is enough, but is it really enough?

 * Howard: [Singing] ...where are you now Tommy.
 * Vince: He's dead.
 * Howard: He's not dead.
 * Vince: He is dead, he fell in the ocelot pit everyone knows that.
 * Howard: They never found his body?
 * Vince: They never found his body? They munched him down like an old Twix.

 * Fossil: [Rubs nipple] What do you know about Tommy, Tommy's dead.
 * Howard: They never found Tommy's body, so under zoo regulation 409 subsection C, he's technically still the owner of the zoo and you can't sell it. Thanks.
 * Fossil: Oh yeah, well let me show you something, this is a contract, it said that Tommy owned the zoo, but in the event of his disappearance, after ten years, it reverts back to Bainbridge. Suck on that subsection.

 * Vince: Hey Naboo. How are you? I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo.
 * Naboo: He's a ballbag.
 * Vince: What you gonna do, you'll probably be alright won't you, you're a shaman, it's pretty specialist job.
 * Naboo: I might transform myself into a mighty hawk.
 * Vince: Into what?
 * Naboo: [Whispers] Mighty hawk.
 * Vince: WOW
 * Naboo: Either that or I'll work in Dixon's, I haven't decided.

 * Vince: Do you remember when that llama got out? He went awol, he went crazy. Started HOOFIN' the public. Do you remember? Oh he was out there HOOFIN' doctors HOOFIN' Vicars, he got in the gift shop, put a false moustache on, a little girl came in and went "can I have a pencil top" HOOOOF! Haha, hoofed her out the shop. No one could get near that llama, but you Howard. You got off with it...
 * Howard: ...Yeah, it's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.

Calm-a-llama down Calm-a-llama deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle sittin' in a tight place laughin' like a monkey arm, pullin' like a China boy Kara-way Kara-way Kara-way noise Boing ching cha masala Boing ching cha masala OOOOOOOooooo Tooth Tooth [Inhalation]

 * Tommy: Cheese is a kind of meat A tasty yellow beef I milk it from my teat But I try to be discrete. Oh cheese. Oh cheese.

Charlie

 * Vince: You're in for a Hubba-Bubba nightmare.

 * Simon McFarnaby: [Has a brown layer of skin around his head making him look like a conker] I've got something lined up for the Autumn
 * Vince: I bet you have...
 * Simon McFarnaby: Hmm?...
 * Howard: So, er... just wanna say that erm it's great to have you on the show, great to be working with you. I'm really really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you and things.
 * Simon McFarnaby: Thanks, well I'll go and get warmed up.
 * Howard: Alright, O.K
 * Vince: Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar...?

 * Vince: This is the best job in the zoo: Millet distribution.
 * Howard: Something wrong with you, you know that don't you?
 * Vince: What do you mean?
 * Howard: Well you're always happy aren't you, everything's fun for you. Huh? You see a peanut? The day's of to a good start. You witness some soil? It's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more
 * Vince: I think it's this poncho, I mean it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I'm gonna get a sombrero as well. Image that: A poncho-sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

 * Vince: I write novels. They're Charlie books.
 * Howard: They're Charlie books?
 * Vince: Yeah.
 * Howard: What, that pink shape that you draw?
 * Vince: Yeah. Charlie. Charlie is genius, right, he's made of a million pieces of old bubblegum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in L.A, and he melted like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. Destination: Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie. but in his cold blooded, reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink, tight, warm belly pouch and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that" and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately; it was air tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips' magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd just killed fifty Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, yrumpets and spanners.
 * Howard: That's not a novel, that's the scribblings of a retard.
 * Vince: They are novels, they're novelettes.
 * Howard: It's in crayon, you berk.
 * Vince: So what? I'm new school.
 * Howard: New school? I'm talking about books that are gonna get published.
 * Vince: Mine are published, I publish them myself.
 * Howard: You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weetabix boxes. That's not published, is it?

 * Fossil: Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.
 * Howard: Who?
 * Fossil: You know, the black eyes Chinese people that eat sticks?
 * Howard: The pandas...
 * Fossil: [Doing impression of Howard] "Oh, I'm Howard Moon, I know how to read, I know all the animals names at the zoo" [Rubs Nipple] ...Yeah the pandas.

 * Mrs Gideon: Who are you?
 * Howard: Howard Moon, I work here at the zoo.
 * Mrs Gideon: Why do you have crumbs round your eyes?
 * Howard: Oh, that's just me and Vince, been playing, er, games... crumb eye, we have to get crumbs in, er, each others eyes... and erm, winner get a, rake. That's a good book. I like that book.
 * Mrs Gideon: Oh have you read it?
 * Howard: Oh yeah, yeah twice I read it, erm once the original and then in the paperback. Really related to the character of erm, Jonathan, thought he was great.
 * Mrs Gideon: The serial killer?
 * Howard: Yeah, I mean in as much as, you know, we've all, we can all relate to a killer, erm, I mean in our minds, we've all killed in our minds.
 * Mrs Gideon: What are you talking about?
 * Howard: Well... as a writer it's erm, it's something that I, I have to do, I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.

 * Vince: [Impersonating the wind] It was pretty good though wasn't it? Sounded exactly like the wind.
 * Howard: Yeah, and it was blowing a gale through my mind.
 * Vince: I can do other elements.
 * Howard: Can you really? Can you do fog...?

 * Vince: Howard?..Howard?...Howard?...Howard?..Howard?..Howard..Howard..Howard..Howard...Howard?..Howard. Howard.
 * Howard: This better be good.
 * Vince: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantula's eggs?
 * Howard: ...Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
 * Vince: What's your novel about?
 * Howard: It's about a genius who can't get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.
 * Vince: You've made a classic error.
 * Howard: Have I?
 * Vince: What you've done is you've focused in on the wrong character, yeah? Now, the monkey, I'm loving him, but the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.

Electro

 * Vince Noir: Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.
 * Howard Moon: Stardom? You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.
 * Vince Noir: Yeah, but you know: the lifestyle, the drugs...
 * Howard Moon: The drugs?
 * Vince Noir: Yeah, well, you know, the coffees. I've had three lattes, and an Americano. I'm blazin'!

 * [Howard shows up to play in the band.]
 * Howard Moon: Ladies...
 * Vince Noir: Howard!
 * Howard Moon: Hi.
 * Neon: No way... not the simpleton!
 * Vince Noir: He's a musical genius!
 * Ultra: Well, he better be. He looks like a paedophile.

Hitcher

 * Howard: Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks? Johnny Segment?

 * Bob Fossil: Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom if it's one of your relatives.

 * Naboo: Who are you?
 * Bryan Ferry: I am Bryan Ferry!
 * Naboo: Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
 * Bryan Ferry: Yeah, what's your point?
 * Naboo: You look like Terry Wogan.

 * The Hitcher: [telling the story of his giant thumb] I didn't know what was happening, for days I was in a trance, but when I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca: a thumb of GIGANTIC proportions! "A miracle! A miracle!" I said. "You're a true wizard, how can I ever repay you!?" And he said to me "Five hundred euros". "FIVE HUNDRED EUROS!? YOU WON'T SEE PENNY ONE FROM ME, YOU SLAG!". And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking "Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it's killing me! My own beast and creation, killing me dead! The sweet irony!". I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could've just been shitting himself!

 * The Hitcher: "(Playing slap bass) Ohhh, you love it you slags!"

 * The Hitcher: [singing] Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea! I'm the Hitcher, let me put you in the picture, creeping in you room in the dead of night, with me solo polo vision!
 * Piper Twins: That's right!
 * The Hitcher: I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!
 * Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
 * The Hitcher:Pound ya banana!
 * Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
 * The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
 * Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
 * The Hitcher: Fourteen shillings for your melons!
 * Piper Twins: Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!
 * The Hitcher: Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!
 * Piper Twins: And you ain't gonna like that!
 * The Hitcher: I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!
 * All: And you ain't gonna like that!

The Call of the Yeti

 * Kodiac Jack: Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose. [throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]

 * Kodiac Jack: Listen, boy. Have you ever had your scrotum pulled off by a mountain goat and seen him sell it on eBay a day later?
 * Howard: No.
 * Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?
 * Howard: No.
 * Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?
 * Howard: No.
 * Kodiac Jack: Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!

The Priest and the Beast

 * Rudi: Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?
 * Spider: Yes, it is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!

 * Spider: This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play and then you scram!  But oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you?  You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got roped into tidying up.  Me, you and Carlos Santana, hoovering for six weeks!
 * Rudi: Somebody had to clean up that mess.
 * Spider: We should have split like The Who. They were off in a shot!  I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flippin' apron. [At the end of the episode Daltrey himself is seen hoovering the set, wearing a pink apron]

 * Spider: You're always trying to turn me into something I'm not, you know? You cannot make milk into cheese!
 * Rudi: Yes you can!
 * Spider: Aaah, bad example!

Nanageddon

 * Vince: Goth Juice... the most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

 * Vince: Where could she be? How do we find an old lady?
 * Howard: An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."
 * Vince: You think she's in the forest?

 * [After asking the Moon for directions]
 * Saboo: You see, that is why you do not ask the Moon!
 * Tony Harrison: Listen, I took a chance. We asked the Moon, I didn't know he was an alabaster retard, did I?!

The Fountain of Youth

 * Howard: I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.

 * Vince: Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?
 * Howard: No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
 * Vince: We had some good times though, didn't we?
 * Howard: Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?
 * Vince: [Laughs] That was brilliant.
 * Both: Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.
 * Vince: Chili chowder!
 * Both: Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
 * Vince: Ah, classic times.
 * Howard: Crazy days.

 * The Hitcher: Alle-bleeding-luia! I knew it, boy! I had a strange feeling in the pit of me stomach when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was the crab sticks, but now it all makes sense! The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet, and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the Universe, with an army of green bitches, marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake!

The Legend of Old Gregg

 * [Talking about Old Gregg]
 * Lucian: Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
 * Colin: Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.
 * Lucian: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
 * The Moon: Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!

 * Old Gregg: What're you doing in my waters?
 * Howard Moon: Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!
 * Old Gregg: Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?
 * Howard Moon: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
 * Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
 * Howard Moon: [crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

 * Old Gregg: Want to come to a club where people wee on each other?
 * Howard Moon: No!

The Nightmare of Milky Joe

 * Howard: Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?
 * Vince: Kings of Leon CD.
 * Howard: Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?
 * Vince: It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.
 * Howard: Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?
 * Vince: Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]

 * Howard: I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?
 * Vince: Maybe later, eh?.
 * Howard: Yeah, maybe later.
 * Vince: Maybe not at all.
 * Howard: ... Yeah, maybe later.

 * The Hitcher: [in coconut form] Roll up, roll up! The coconut shy, everyone's a winner! One euro, that's all I'm asking! Grease my cockney palm, and you can throw balls to your hearts' content! Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces! I wanna see twisted bone and meat all over the back wall by the time I'm finished!

Eels

 * Eleanor: I'm a woman in the prime of her life who needs love-squeezins!

 * Eleanor: (after shooting the Hitcher) Howard, my sweet love nipple, let's get away from here! I have a love shack in Acapulco and you can mess me up fun time!

 * Howard: The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.
 * The Hitcher: Are you bulletproof, boy?
 * Howard: ... Don't know sir.

 * The Hitcher: You enjoy that boy? Cockney urine all over your face?

Journey to the Center of the Punk

 * Howard: What are you angry about?
 * Vince: Government.
 * Howard: Government? Ooohh.
 * Vince: And climate change.
 * Howard: Climate change?
 * Vince: It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?
 * Howard: Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?
 * Vince: That, and it's a bit clammy.

 * Vince: I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!

The Power of the Crimp

 * Howard: Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodhpurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?
 * Vince: I just had a few things to do, that's all.
 * Howard: That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.
 * Vince: Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black.
 * Howard: Have you got my script?

 * Vince: All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.
 * Howard: Is this how you win people over?
 * Vince: Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!
 * Howard: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.
 * Vince: [smiles] Thanks, Howard.

 * Vince, Howard, Naboo and Bollo:
 * Tube Mouse, I love you so,
 * I took you from the underground,
 * And brought you home,
 * Put you in my jacket pocket,
 * And took you to the meeting,
 * Put you in my jacket pocket,
 * And took you to the meeting.

The Strange Tale of the Crack Fox

 * Howard: I'm going to Jazzercise. Working out to hot be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane.

 * Dennis: When it comes to drug-taking, I think you'll find that Kirk leaves us all in the dust!
 * Tony Harrison: What's he looking at?
 * Dennis: Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.
 * Tony Harrison: He's off his tits!

 * Dennis: Naboo, the time has come for your execution. It is not a task any of us wanted, and so to protect the identity of the executioner, he shall be wearing a hood.
 * [Cut to Tony Harrison, in a black executioner's mask, trying to get up the guillotine's steps]
 * Tony Harrison: I can't get up these stairs! What is this bullshit!? I asked for a ramp!
 * Naboo: [sarcastically] I wonder who that is!
 * Saboo: Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this!

 * Crack Fox: "I'm gonna make you wear a little dress and hurt you"

 * Crack Fox: "Imma done a tummy shame"

 * Crack Fox: "Bludgeon my face in. Destroy me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the...tits! Twist my head clean off and put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man."

 * Crack Fox: [in reference to his diet] "Head and Shoulders...Toothpaste...and shit...biiiiiiiiig pieces of shit."

Party

 * Tony Harrison: I have ordered not one, not two, but three crates of poppers! We are having it large!
 * Dennis: Where is Mrs. Harrison in all this?
 * Tony Harrison: She's staying with her sister in Bournemouth. I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm going to bed at half nine and carte blanche! I am greenlit the whole way! Woohoo! Aw, you are so under the thumb it's frightening!
 * Dennis: At least I've got a thumb!

 * Dennis: [believing Lester to have been with his wife] Prepare to die, you prancing tit! [he beheads Lester] And let that be a lesson to the lot of you!
 * Tony Harrison: Dennis, you dimlo! What the fuck are you doing!? That's the wrong geezer!

 * Tony Harrison: Feel my multi-hexagonal textured alien barbed penis inside of you!

The Chokes

 * Bob Fossil: Hey, Moon, who are you? Zorro on Gay Night? [Howard says nothing.] Nice comeback.

 * Montgomery Flange: Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?
 * Howard Moon: A pencil.
 * Montgomery Flange: A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try!... Come on!
 * Howard Moon: I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!
 * Montgomery Flange: Yes! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!

From the 2006 Tour

 * Vince & Howard [Crimping] Eagle claw, eagle claw. B-b-boing boing. Take the fashion coin. Store it in the pocket of your bumbag take it to Milan, take it to Japan, take it to the man with the fashion plan Jaquettie.

 * Rudi: [to a heckler] Shut your mouth, or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks.
 * Vince: And you will receive him like a satchel of vaginas. Tag team putdowns.

 * Vince: [as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!
 * Howard: Why you no like my pie?
 * Vince: I just told you.
 * Howard: Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!
 * Vince: Why you bring me pie?!
 * Howard: Why you no like?!
 * Vince: Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!

 * Vince: Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...
 * Howard: [Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!

 * The Hitcher: Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!

 * [Rudi and The Hitcher are swordfighting.]
 * Rudi: You'll never win, you know.
 * The Hitcher: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
 * Rudi: I taught you everything you know
 * The Hitcher: You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.
 * Rudi: ... What does that mean?

 Rudi The Forest is a cheeky one tonight.

 Vince: The forest is a cunt tonight.

 * The Hitcher: Ah, fuck it. [they continue to fight]

Taglines

 * Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh!

 * The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw!

 * The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a shark with knees!

 * The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a wet flannel!

 * The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a typhoon with the flu!

 * Boosh! Boosh! Stronger than a moose! Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop!

 * The Boosh is loose; see it or throw your eyes in the bin!

 * Bouncy Bouncy, Ohh such a good time!

Cast

 * Julian Barratt - Howard Moon/Various
 * Noel Fielding - Vince Noir/Various
 * Michael Fielding - Naboo
 * Dave Brown - Bollo/Various
 * Rich Fulcher - Bob Fossil/Various
 * Matt Berry - Dixon Bainbridge
 * Victoria Wicks - Mrs Gideon
 * Richard Ayoade - Saboo

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: The Mighty Boosh (TV series)


text:
Hayley Jensen

Hayley Jensen (born 7 January 1983), is the fourth finalist for the second season of Australian Idol. These are the quotations from her performances.

First Round
Judges Comments for Angel:
 * Mark: Lucky last. We haven't given you an easy time, have we? We haven't actually affirmed you... I know Marcia has. Marcia's really been your supporter, hasn't she. I know Dicko and I have really given you a kinda tough time. But you're still here. You're definitely growing on me. I'm still a bit concerned about the sort of cabaret aspects of the way you present yourself, but gee, the way you're singing is really, really, really, really fine.
 * Marcia: It's lovely to see you stand so still and so metered, and sing so beautifully. I do believe in you very much Hayley, but I mean, I believe in everyone who has performed tonight. I fought for you, and I will always fight for you no matter what, because I think you're a very beautiful singer.
 * Dicko: Yeah, you're a fantastic lesson in persistence, actually. You came and were rejected, and then came again and have got this far. That was an absolutely fantastic song for you and I think we're beginning to see which songs are your comfort zone. I guess the question is, how are you gonna do with more up-tempo stuff? I don't recall hearing you sing too many up-tempo songs so far and if you get to the next round, that's something which you will be tested on. But that was, I thought, one of the performances of the night. I think you're doing exactly what a contestant should do in this competition and that's to rise to the occasion, rise to the challenge and grow. And that's what you're doing. You're growing on me too. I thought that was tremendous, I really do. Well done.

The following night on the Verdict Show it was announced out of the ten contestants in her Semi Final Group, Hayley received the second highest number of votes gaining her a position through to the Final 12 along with Courtney Murphy and Chanel Cole.

Final 12
Killing Heidi - Weir

 * Marcia: Lovely. Yeah, go the rock chick. Yeah, um, you've been so great through this competition. Um, we've said no, you've come back blah blah blah blah. (sic). You know, um, its great to see you grow Hayley. Uh huh, and step out of that place that's comfortable because that's what being a performer is. Congratulations and a great choice of song.
 * Dicko: Yeah, I agree. Exactly what this competition is about. Um, growing, moving out of your comfort zone. That was absolutely terrific. Mark, in the last audition said that you dressed too old, a little cruise ship. I think you've listen to what he's said and come back and you look fantastic tonight. Every inch the rock star. And, um, I think I've heard that really good fireworks come out of Canberra so you're going to go off like a rocket.
 * Mark: Yeah, I mean, I concur. The change in the hair, you really light up the screen Hayley, you just, it's beautiful what you're doing. Um, the choice of song. I would never in a million of years have thought of that song for you and you almost got away with it but the bravery and the choice. Congratulations Hayley. Good on you.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley was declared safe with enough votes to go through to the Final 11.

Final 11
Anastacia - Left Outside Alone
 * Marcia: Hayley well done, yeah? Well done. Um, you mightn't have been able to dance but you knew where one was and you knew where to start the song. That's all that really matters, yeah? And, ah, great choice of song as well.
 * Dicko: It was good to see you step outside the AC role that you entered the competition as. Um, I would take those movement coaching sessions a little more seriously. Simply put, um, performing a song is about communicating emotions and whether we like it or not 80% of communication is non-verbal. You communicate with your body, you communicate in emotion, sensuality and a sense of power and that's something that Anastacia does pretty well. I think it's something that you really need to work on because actually seeing that piece before you performed highlighted the fact that that's a bit of a failing of yours. I think your voice is great. It's really holding up well and actually preferred it to the version of Anastacia or Miriam as I sometimes call him. Her.
 * Mark: Um. I don't know Hayley. I don't know. Because I admire the fact that you keep challenging yourself. You know, last week was an enormous challenge for you and you keep doing that and I don't want to discourage that because it's a fantastic thing about you. But honestly, I just really don't think that you totally connected with that at the level that Anastacia actually bought the meaning of that song and what it meant to her. I didn't feel it from you. It didn't connect for me like some of the others that you've done have.
 * Marcia: Having said that, you're not Anastacia. Ok. You're trying.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley was put in the Bottom 3 with Dan O'Connor and Marty Worrall. When Marty was declared safe it left Hayley and Dan as the Bottom 2. After the commercial break Hayley was declared safe and Dan was going home.

Final 10
Lulu - To Sir With Love
 * Mark: I know that was a concern for you that, wasn't it? You were really nervous about this particular performance. Why? I really, really admire you for that Hayley. I admire the fact that you are actually quite green. I mean in the studio you were green and this is a whole new experience for you but the way that you approach it, the openness of mind is really, really admirable and I think the simplicity, how you handled that was really terrific. Good on you Hayley.
 * Marcia: One of the hardest things to do as a singer is to stand still and deliver a song and you did it. And you did it very well and I congratulate you.
 * Dicko: I thought you sung a dismal song really well. You said it was a challenge for you. It was a challenge for me to listen to it cause I just couldn't follow it. I wanted to party tonight. I thought there were some great songs and that was just a bit of a speed bump in the evening for me and it's a shame cause I think you are growing. I wanted you to tear it up tonight and I think the song weighed you down but I thought you delivered it well.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley was once again put in the Bottom 3 with Amali Ward and Marty Worrall. Marty was declared safe and then Amali was told she was going home. This left Hayley a spot in the Top 9.

Final 9
Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You
 * Dicko: Oh my God, you can dance can't you. Hey look, fantastic song for you. You look wonderful. If you can't do bling on a disco night when can you? That was just a real eye opener for me. That was just a real, real joyous experience for me. What we've noticed, and certainly at the finals stage is there is the performance that defines someone and shows their true star potential. For me that was yours. That was terrific.
 * Mark: Hayley I know that during this last week there's been a little, um, sort of non-verbal tension between us and it's never really been about you as a person. It's definitely not because you as a person, there's so much to admire. There really is. Your heart and your will is just enormous and there are so many people who have had hits without having classically great recording voices and they've done it on the strength of their spirit and the strength of their heart and you've got all of that and heaps.
 * Marcia: First of all, thank you very much for listing me as a highlight. That's very, very kind. I really mean it. You know, Hayley I've believed in you since the day we saw one another in Canberra and these guys have been giving you a pretty hard time. And I've just believed that you've metamorphosized into what you've just done. I really believe in you as a singer, as a person and I know you're one of the only people that helps in the kitchen in the house. That's good too. But you did a great job Hayley. I'm so proud of you.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley was declared safe with enough votes to be in the Top 8. This was the first time she hadn't been in the Bottom 3 in several weeks.

Final 8
George - Release
 * Dicko: Hayley, hair looks great by the way. Curls are good for you. I've got to say, look, I don't think you're a natural at this. You have to work really hard at everything you do and it's pleasing to see the way you're moving in the right direction. I think that was a really tough song to chose. Some of those timings in there, it was a bit like a maths exam at times for me trying to keep up. But I think it's a really good style for you. That type of song. That type of artist, George as well. The only problem I have with you, I've had it for the past few weeks, is I can see you concentrating and I can hear you thinking about what you're trying to do as you're doing it and I don't know. Sometimes I just think if you could switch all of that off and just let yourself go a bit I think you'd be a lot better for it. But that was very good.
 * Mark: Yeah, I'm sorry to say, I'm agreeing with Dicko again. There's a mentor of mine who used to say to me, you've got to have a body of fire, mind of ice so that you're mind is going through all of those strange timings and knowing where it's got to go but outwardly you just seem to be going and being released, being free. We see too much of the work with you on that song. We're seeing too much of it. We're seeing too much of the worry and the thinking and not enough of the release. You saw too much of it to me but you know, once again your risk taking is fantastic. I really admire you for that.
 * Marcia: Hayley, I congratulate you from a singers point of view because that's a very hard song to sing. George are the bomb. You did a great job.

Hayley found herself in the Bottom 3 with Chanel Cole and Daniel Belle the following night on the Verdict Show. Hayley was then declared safe and was the first sent back to be in the Top 7. Chanel soon followed and Daniel was evicted.

Final 7
The Beatles - Yesterday
 * Dicko: There was something missing from that performance. It was the tick tick tick of your mind working. That was the first time we saw you sing without thinking about what you're doing. Now the trick is to follow along on that road. Simple melody sung beautifully - well done.
 * Marcia: You look lovely. People talk to me about you and I say you're one of the kindest souls I know.'
 * Mark: I constantly admire your strength but I don't know - I heard pitching problems.
 * Dicko said that he thinks Mark has a problem with her and thinks she doesn't have a recordable voice. Mark agreed but said if David Hasselhoff can sell records so can Hayley.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley was safe to join the Top 6. This was the third time out of six she hadn't been in the bottom 3.

Final 6
Martika - I Feel The Earth Move
 * Marcia: I love you, they love you, always sing from your heart.
 * Dicko: Great pitch and great vocally but you have problems with movement. There was also a breakdown point where you could have gained everyone but you didn’t. Vocally very strong.
 * Mark: I have to acknowledge the fact that the Australian Public loves you, they admire your tenacity and they know that you're a great girl. I'm not going to say what I think... What I am going to say is that it's been 3 weeks since we had our producer meeting where you said that you didn't know what type of cd that you wanted to perform.... What kind of record are you going to make?
 * Hayley: I know what kind of music that I like, I love to sing. Bands like George and Missy Higgins are the guys that I like and that's the kind of music that I'd like to make.

The following night on the Verdict Show, Hayley found herself in the Bottom 3 once again with Marty Worrall and Casey Donovan. Hayley was sent back to the couch first and Casey was sent back too. Marty was eliminated.

Final 5
Lauren Hill - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
 * Marcia: (Laughs) Well done Hayley! Sex kitten to boot.
 * Dicko: The mountain was too high, the river too deep. Cabaret.
 * Mark: That was the best you could do.

Hayley was in the bottom 3 the following night on the Verdict Show for the fifth time this week. This time she was with Chanel Cole and Courtney Murphy. Hayley was sent back to the couch first and Courtney then followed. Chanel was eliminated.

Final 4
Frank Sinatra - It Had To Be You
 * Marcia: You look great, you're beautiful and this song suits you. You were being yourself and you did great.
 * Dicko: Can I say that you look absolutely fabulous tonight? I thought that was going to be a great song for you, but I can still hear you thinking. You're worth a lot more than you realise, you have to learn to feel more. I think that your greatest barrier is yourself...
 * Mark: I felt that you were singing it to your husband, but I'd suggest that you should block everyone else out and REALLY sing it to your man.

Nat King Cole - Nature Boy
 * Marcia: I appreciated the simplicity and when you just stand there and people hear your voice it's beautiful.
 * Dicko: You looked beautiful and I enjoyed that. I didn’t think that you over thought that at all.
 * Mark: I would say that you are the nuclear power puff girl, you are indestructible. You've asked for positive assistance in guidance and what I'd say is when you're phrasing things you don’t need to end each line the same way, it's about what you don’t do rather than what you do do... And you do look beautiful.

Hayley was in the bottom two for the sixth time the following night with Casey Donovan. This week Hayley was eliminated with the fewest votes for the week.

Up Close & Personal Performance
Dido - Here With Me
 * Jeremy: I wanted to find out what this show has taught you about music and performing
 * Hayley: This show has taught me so much, working with John and Erina and these wonderful musicians has taught me so much.
 * She goes on to say that she’s learnt how to come up with arrangements quickly and how to perform and how important it is to stay true to yourself.

 * Carley: I was wondering if there are any pre-performance habits that you have before you go on stage.
 * Hayley: I have a big glass of um, fizzy drink. I like to have a glass of coke before I sing. I also try to work out what the person who wrote the song was trying to say and focus on that.

title: Hayley Jensen


text:
Gracie Allen

Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie Allen (26 July 1895 [year uncertain] – 27 August 1964) was an American comedian, actress, singer, dancer; and the comedic partner and wife of George Burns.

Quotes

 * You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you.
 * Accepting a proposal of marriage from George Burns in December 1925, after a long period of reluctance, and dismissal of his overtures, as quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

 * I'll bet you say that to all the girls!
 * Gracie's typical reply in her comedic routines to a slight or insult she has mistaken for a compliment, as quoted in A Pictorial History of Vaudeville (1961) by Bernard Sobel, p. 130; also often quoted in slightly extended form as "Oh, George, I bet you say that to all the girls!"

 * I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.
 * As quoted in Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns & Allen (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 48

 * I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.
 * As quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

 * I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.
 * As quoted in Funny Ladies : The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women (2001) by Bill Adler, p. 51

 * Never place a period where God has placed a comma.
 * Last letter to George Burns, as quoted in Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the United Church of Christ: "Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking."

 * George: Gracie, those are beautiful flowers. Where did they come from? Gracie: Don't you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn't looking, I did.
 * Comedic routine, quoted in American Radio Networks : A History (2009) by Jim Cox, p. 144

How to Become President (1940)

 * Who am I to talk? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you. … Come to think of it, who are you? Whoever you are, I sympathize with you. I sympathize with everybody; that’s what I get for being a candidate myself. Let them call us nonentities. Who cares? A nonentity can be just as famous as anybody else if enough people know about him. But let’s leave personalities out of this and just talk about me.
 * Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

 * One of the greatest problems today is about the people who would rather be right than be President. I have a solution for that. You can be Left and President: that way you can eat your cake and halve it too. Or you can stay in the middle of the road and get run over.
 * Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

 * As we walk hand in hand through the pathways of knowledge, remember that I am giving you freely and without stint the full accumulation of my two months’ experience as a candidate. I have on file a complete record of everything I’ve said and done. Ever since I threw my hat in the ring I have had myself shadowed, and the results were very entertaining. The things that go on in those back rooms, you wouldn’t believe. So now we begin our journey together. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will find that every step of your progress, like the path that climbs up and up from the sheltered valley, offers you an ever-wider and more facinating vista, until at last you come out upon the summit of the wrong hill.
 * Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

 * Presidents are made, not born. That’s a good thing to remember. It’s silly to think that Presidents are born, because very few people are 35 years old at birth, and those who are won’t admit it. So if you’re only 16 don’t be discouraged, because it’s only a phase and there’s nothing wrong with you that you won’t outgrow.
 * Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

 * Of course, it goes without saying that every candidate must be progressive, fearless, vigorous, and liberal; invincible in victory and invisible in defeat, awake to the needs of the people whether they know what they know what they need or not. You should also come from a good family, because while breeding isn’t everything, it is said to be lots of fun. George Burns — that’s Mister Allen — was saying the other day that to be President of the United States you also have to have brains, integrity, ability and intelligence, but I think he was just trying to talk me into it.
 * Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

 * All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for this country, which is ridiculous. I haven’t done anything yet, and I think it’s just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share.
 * Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

 * Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.
 * Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

 * Now, I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I’m just a plain, ordinary, everyday genius who loves her fellow-man whenever possible. But let me tell you that women are getting very tired of running a poor second to the Forgotten Man, and with all the practice we’ve had around the house the time is ripe for a woman to sweep the country. I’ll make a prediction with my eyes open: that a woman can and will be elected if she is qualified and gets enough votes.
 * Ch. 3 : Why a woman president? Well, why?

 * You remember me. I’m Gracie Allen. I’m the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring. Furthermore, I’m the only candidate who got the idea of running myself. All the others had to have somebody else think it up for them, or anyway they say the only reason they’re running is because their many friends kept after them and after them until they finally gave in.
 * Ch. 4 : How to attract attention and be drafted

 * Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.
 * Ch. 4 : How to attract attention and be drafted

 * I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don’t know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I’m waiting for the returns to come in.
 * Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

 * A keyhole speech is very simple, especially mine. First it states the issues. An issue is just a difference of opinion, which is why we put erasers on horse races. And as I always say, as long as we have issues, we can’t have everything. Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how they’ll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.
 * Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

 * Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time–and millions are doing nothing because it’s the best offer they’ve had this week. … It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart.
 * Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

 * Let’s all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.
 * Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

 * As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, “Don’t go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down.”
 * Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

 * Cultivate friendships. If you don’t have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.
 * Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

 * When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won’t think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money. They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.
 * Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

 * The masses demand a fighting President, and that means you’ve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack. So what can you offend? That’s an easy one. Offend the other candidates, because they’ll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.
 * Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

 * A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.
 * Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

 * I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.
 * Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

 * This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I’ll have to send in a force to restore order.
 * Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

 * Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean. So vote early and often. Don’t wait until Election Day. I may have found other work by then. Do it now!
 * Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

Disputed

 * Goodnight, Gracie.
 * It's commonly believed that at the end of stage shows Allen would reply to George Burns line "Say goodnight, Gracie", with "Goodnight, Gracie". Recordings from the time do not have her using this reply.

Quotes about Allen

 * Gracie gets her laughs — we hope — because we often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.
 * George Burns, as quoted in Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns & Allen (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 18

 * Although they had equal billing, this married couple headlined a show that was wholly dependent on the skewed behavior of one of its stars, Gracie Allen. It took a big man, George Burns, to recognize that his wife was the laugh-getter, and to yield to her as the quintessential straight-man.
 * Jim Cox, in American Radio Networks : A History (2009), p. 144

title: Gracie Allen


text:
Irving Berlin

Irving Berlin (May 11, 1888 – September 22, 1989) was an American composer and lyricist.

Quotes

 * I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know.
 * Song White Christmas.

 * It's February the 22nd And I can't tell a lie.
 * Song Washington's Birthday

Quotes about

 * Irving Berlin has no place in American music. He is American music.
 * Jerome Kern in 1920s

title: Irving Berlin


text:
American History X

American History X is a 1998 film which tells the story of a white supremacist neo-Nazi skinhead who questions his beliefs while in prison, and tries to save his younger brother from following in his footsteps.
 * Directed by Tony Kaye and written by David McKenna.

Some Legacies Must End. (taglines)

Derek Vinyard

 * Hey! I got a bet, I come in this game right now, same score, but we play black guys against the white guys. [Black guys laugh] "Name your price, cracker" No money, no money, for these courts and not just today, for good. If you win, we will walk away, but if we win, no bitching, no fighting, right here in front of everybody, you pack up your shit and get your black asses outta here.

 * Alright, listen up. We need to open our eyes. There's over 2 million illegal immigrants bedding down in this state tonight! The state spent $3 billion last year, on services for those people who have no right to be here in the first place! $3 billion! $400 million just to lock up a bunch of illegal immigrant criminals, who only got into this country because the fuckin' INS decided, "It's not worth the effort to screen for convicted felons!" Who gives a shit? Our government doesn't give a shit. Our border policy's a joke. So, is anybody surprised that south of the border, they're laughing at us? Laughing at our laws? Every night, thousands of these parasites stream across the border like some fucking piñata exploded. [The skinheads laugh] Don't laugh! [The skinheads immediately quiet down] There's nothin' funny goin' on here! This is about your life and mine; it's about decent, hardworking Americans falling through the cracks and getting the shaft because their government cares more about the constitutional rights of a bunch of people who aren't even citizens of this country! On the Statue of Liberty, it says "give me your tired, your hungry, your poor..." Well, it's Americans who are tired and hungry and poor, and I say until you take care of that, close the fucking book! 'Cause we're losing, we're losing our right to pursue our destiny, we're losing our freedom, so that a bunch of fucking foreigners can come in here and exploit our country! And this isn't something that's going on far away, this isn't something that's happening places we can't do anything about it, it's happening right here, right in our neighborhood, right in that building behind you. Archie Miller ran that grocery store since we were kids here. Dave worked there, Mike worked there. He went under and now some fuckin' Korean owns it who fired these guys and is making a killing 'cause he hired 40 fuckin' border jumpers. I see this shit going on and I don't see anyone doing anything about it, and it fuckin' pisses me off! So look around you, this isn't our fuckin' neighborhood, it's a battlefield! We're on a battlefield tonight. Make a decision: are we gonna stand by the sidelines, quietly standing while our country gets raped? "(Skinheads:) Fuck no!" Are we gonna ante up and do something about it? "(Skinheads:) FUCK YEAH!" You're goddamn right we are!

 * [Charges at and grabs the supermarket owner by pinning him to a wall] Don't you know it's against the law to hire fucking border jumpers, you nip bastard?!

 * Look at the statistics, for Christ's sake! One in every three black males is in some phase of the correctional system. Is that a coincidence or do these people have, you know, like a racial commitment to crime?

 * We're so hung up on this notion that we have some obligation to help the struggling black man, you know. Cut him some slack until he can overcome these historical injustices. It's crap. I mean, Christ, Lincoln freed the slaves, like, what? 130 years ago. How long does it take to get your act together?

 * Oh, it doesn't? You don't think I see what you're trying to do here? You think I'm gonna sit here and smile while some fuckin' kike tries to fuck my mother? It's never gonna happen Murray! Fuckin' forget it! Not on my watch, not while I'm still in this family. I will fuckin' cut your Shylock nose off and stick it up your ass before I let that happen. Coming here and poison my family's dinner with your Jewish, nigger-lovin', hippie bullshit. Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, walk out, asshole, fuckin' Kabbalah reading motherfucker. Get the fuck out of my house. [Showing his tattoo of a swastika] DO YOU SEE THIS!? THAT MEANS NOT WELCOME!

 * I came in here to tell you one thing, I am out! OUT! And Danny's out too! And if you come near my family again, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Danny Vinyard

 * I believe in death, destruction, chaos, filth, and greed. [Trying to make fun of Seth while Seth is trying to video tape him]

 * I hate the fact that it's cool to be black these days, I hate this hip-hop fucking influence in white fucking suburbia and I hate Tabitha Soren and all her Zionist MTV fucking pigs telling us we should get along. Save the rhetorical bullshit Hillary Rodham Clinton, 'cause it ain't gonna fucking happen.

 * [Writing the beginning of the essay] People look at me and see my brother.

 * So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.' [Quoting Abraham Lincoln]

Prison Inmate

 * Wanna be a nigger, sweet boy? We gonna treat you like one.
 * That was real sweet.

Others

 * Doris Vinyard: You think you're the only one doin' time, Derek? You think you're here all alone? You think I'm not in here with you?

 * Murray: Derek, what are you trying to prove?!

 * Lamont: [In the prison laundry] Don't fuck with me, a'ight? I'm the most dangerous man in this prison. You know why? 'Cause I control the underwear.

 * Lamont: Okay, I know your kind, right...bad ass peckerwood with an attitude. Well, let me tell you something: you better watch your ass, 'cause in the joint, you the nigger, not me.

 * Seth: My eyes have seen the glory of the trampling at the zoo We have washed ourselves in niggers' blood and all the mongrels too We're taking down the ZOG machine, Jew by Jew by Jew The white man marches on! ~ white supremacist lyrics for "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

 * Bob Sweeney: [Arguing with Danny Vinyard about his "Mein Kampf" paper] I think the street would kill you. Your rhetoric and your propaganda aren't gonna save you out there.

Dialogue

 * Murray: [About Danny] I don't have a personal problem with him!
 * Bob Sweeney: Don't insult my intelligence, Murray! You hate this child, and I think I know why.
 * Murray: [Closes the door] So I went out with his mother a few times. That was three years ago... it was nothing.
 * Bob Sweeney: Nothing. Really?
 * Murray: That paper, Bob--it's a travesty. Arguing for Hitler as a civil rights hero? You've got to draw the line.
 * Bob Sweeney: You know, Murray, you actually brought this upon yourself. You said the paper could be on any book that related to the struggle for human rights...in plain English. I am not disputing that the child is confused, and harbors some sick ideas, but I am not ready to give up on him yet.
 * Murray: His brother probably put him up to it.
 * Bob Sweeney: I guarantee you 100% his brother did not put him up to this.
 * Murray: Whatever...I find that hard to believe.

 * Danny Vinyard: [Arguing about his "Mein Kampf" paper] Look Sweeney, did you bring me here to talk about Derek? Because what happened to him has nothing to do with me.
 * Bob Sweeney: Everything you do right now has something to do with Derek.

 * Reporter: Earlier today, L.A. County firefighter Dennis Vinyard was shot and killed battling a blaze at a suspected Compton drug den. We're at the Vinyard home now, and Lieutenant  Vinyard's oldest son Derek has agreed to talk with us for a moment. Derek, if you could come down here, please, for a second. Look, I know this is tough, but how do you feel right now?
 * Derek Vineyard: [Younger, wearing a Venice Beach High Basketball jersey] How do you think I feel? I think it's typical.
 * Reporter: Typical how?
 * Derek Vinyard: Well, this country's becoming a haven for criminals, so what do you expect? Decent hard-working Americans like my dad are getting rubbed out by social parasites.
 * Reporter: Parasites?
 * Derek Vinyard: Blacks, browns, yellow, whatever.
 * Reporter: I don't understand. You think maybe your father's murder was race-related?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah, it's race-related! Every problem in this country is race-related! Not just crime...it's immigration, AIDS, welfare! Those are problems of the black community, the Hispanic community, the Asian community! They're not white problems!
 * Reporter: Aren't those really issues that deal more with poverty?
 * Derek Vinyard: No! They're not products of their environments! That's crap! Minorities don't give two shits about this country! They come here to exploit it, not to embrace it!
 * Reporter: What does this have to do with the--
 * Derek Vinyard: Millions of white Europeans came here and flourished within a generation! What the fuck is the matter with these people? They have to go around...shooting at firemen!
 * Reporter: What does this have to do with the murder of your father?
 * Derek Vinyard: Because my father was murdered doing his job! Putting out a fire in a fucking nigger neighborhood he shouldn't have given a shit about! He got shot by a fucking drug dealer who probably still collects a welfare check!
 * Doris Vinyard: [Approaching Derek] Honey, that's enough.

 * [Lawrence has just blocked Seth's shot for the basket]
 * Lawrence: Who are you calling a boy, motherfucker, huh?!
 * Seth: Lucky motherfucker! I'm through monkeying around with your fuckin' ass!
 * Lawrence: Pale, pasty, pastrami eating cracker motherfucker! A hundred bucks say I make you my bitch.
 * Seth: [Chuckles] Hear that? He's trying to make ends meet for his cut in welfare. You're fucking on!
 * Danny Vinyard: It's 8-6, Seth.
 * Seth: Danny, when I want your fucking opinion, I'll ask for it!

 * Seth: Who do you hate, Danny?
 * Danny Vinyard: I hate anyone that isn't white Protestant.
 * Seth: Why?
 * Danny Vinyard: They're a burden to the advancement of the white race. Some of them are all right, I guess...
 * Seth: None of 'em are fucking all right, Danny, OK?

 * Derek Vinyard: We, as society, grant cops a certain amount of authority to make those calls, because we acknowledge that their job is difficult and dangerous! Very few people respect that and respect that authority.
 * Davina: Look who's talking about respect here, Mr. Junior KKK.
 * Derek Vinyard: What? I didn't say I respect the laws. I acknowledge a cop's authority.

 * Derek Vinyard: If he had, though? Come on, think about it. If that fucking monkey had run some kid over, everybody would have a very different opinion of this whole matter! They'd be focused on Rodney King and not on these officers. But instead, he just attacked a few cops. And so suddenly, it's Hands Across America for this fucking total son of a bitch. I mean, it blows my mind. We're so hung up on this notion that we have some obligation to help this struggling black man, cut him some slack until he can overcome these historical injustices. It's crap. This stuff just perpetuates it and all this liberal nonsense. Everyone's looking the other way while our country rots from the inside out. I mean, Christ, Lincoln freed the slaves, in like; 130 years ago. How long does it take to get your act together?
 * Murray: Well, Jews have been persecuted for over 5,000 years. Are you saying it's wrong to feel sensitive about anti-Semitism?
 * Stacey: Oh, forget that. I'm with you. I'm with you all the way, baby. I'm so sick of these liberal hypocrites.
 * Davina: Oh, here we go again. I love this part. This is great.
 * Stacey: Well, look at the way how they scapegoated Chief Gates. You tell me to think they would've come down that hard on black Willie Williams? No way. That videotape was a set-up to get rid of Gates!
 * Davina: [To Doris, illuminatingly] Can I please be excused?
 * Doris Vinyard: Yes…
 * Derek Vinyard: No! No, you cannot. Don't interrupt.
 * Stacey: Excuse me, I was talking. I listened to you.
 * Derek Vinyard: Don't interrupt her!
 * Davina: Who the hell do you think you are?
 * Derek Vinyard: She's right in the middle of making the point!
 * Davina: [Storms up out of her chair] Who the hell do you think you are? [This makes Derek very furious.]
 * Derek Vinyard: [Storms up too] Hey! Davina, sit down. No, sit down!
 * [As they argue furiously just as Murray tries to explain…]
 * Derek Vinyard: [Just as Davina tries to push him] No, sit your ass down! No, sit down. Shut your mouth. No. Sit down, shut your mouth and give my girlfriend some respect!
 * Murray: [Annoyed] Derek, what are you trying to prove?
 * Derek Vinyard: Murray, stay out of it! [Pulls Davina's hair to stop her from leaving] Come here! Hey, what do you think you're going?
 * Doris Vinyard: No!!!!
 * Murray: [As Derek grabs a piece of ham off the plate] Derek, let her go! Derek, let her go!
 * Derek Vinyard: [Angrily shoves a piece of ham on Davina's mouth] You need to learn some fucking manners, Davina! Shut your fucking mouth!
 * Danny Vinyard: Derek! Stop! [Davina chokes on the meat, and tries to muffle with no words.]
 * Murray: She can't breathe!
 * Doris Vinyard: [Pulls Derek's shoulder] Let… her… GO!!!
 * Derek Vinyard: Are you gonna apologize? Are you?!?
 * Davina: You're a fucking asshole!
 * Doris Vinyard: I hate you!
 * Murray: What are you doing Derek? This is your family.
 * Derek Vinyard: Right, my family, my family, so you know what? I don't give two shits about you or anybody else or what they think. You're not a part of it and you never will be.
 * Murray: That has nothing to do with it!
 * Derek Vinyard: Oh it doesn't? You don't think I see what you're trying to do here? You think I'm gonna sit here and smile while some fucking kike tries to fuck my mother? It's never gonna happen Murray! Fucking forget it! Not on my watch, not while I'm still in this family. I will fucking cut your Shylock nose off and stick it up your ass before I let that happen. Coming here and poison my family's dinner with your Jewish, Nigger-loving, hippie bullshit. Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, walk out, asshole, fucking Kabbalah reading motherfucker. Get the fuck out of my house.[Flashes swastika tattoo] DO YOU SEE THIS!? THAT MEANS NOT WELCOME!

 * Derek Vinyard: You disgust me! Bring him to our table! How could you bring him to my father's table? How could you go from Dad to that? Aren't you ashamed?
 * Doris Vinyard: I'm ashamed that you came out of my body!!!!

 * Derek Vinyard: Nigger, you just fucked with the wrong bull. C'MERE! [Drags Lawrence out onto the street]
 * Lawrence: Get off!
 * Derek Vinyard: You should've learned your place on the fuckin' basketball court! But you fuckin' monkeys never get the message! My father gave me that truck, you motherfucker! You ever shoot at fireman?! You come here and shoot at my family?! I'm gonna teach you a real lesson now, motherfucker. Put your fuckin' mouth on the curb!
 * Lawrence: Come on, man...
 * Derek Vinyard: Put it on the curb right now! [Lawrence bites down on the curb] That's it.
 * Danny Vinyard: Derek, no! [Starts running towards Derek] NOOO!!!
 * Derek Vinyard: Now say goodnight!
 * [Derek stomps Lawrence's head into the curb]
 * Derek: Fucker! [Spits on Lawrence]

 * Bob Sweeney: There was a moment... like this, when I used to blame everything and everyone... for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened to me, that I saw happen to my people. Used to blame everybody. Blamed white people, blamed society, blamed God. I didn't get no answers 'cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions.
 * Derek Vinyard: Like what?
 * Bob Sweeney: Has anything you've done made your life better?

 * Lamont: [As Derek is leaving prison] 'Sup, man? You getting outta here? Well, c'mon man! What the fuck you waiting on?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah, you know, I got this funny feeling.
 * Lamont: Oh yeah? What's that?
 * Derek Vinyard: I'm thinking the only reason I'm getting outta here in one piece is you.
 * Lamont: C'mon man! Get the fuck outta here, man! You think I'm gonna put my neck on the line for some crazy-ass peckerwood?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah, right. Stupid.
 * [A moment of silence passes and Lamont looks away]
 * Derek Vinyard: That's what I thought. I owe you, man.
 * Lamont: Man, you owe me shit, a'ight?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yes, I do.
 * [Derek offers his hand and Lamont takes it]
 * Derek Vinyard: You'll be outta here in no time.
 * Lamont: C'mon man, it's a piece of cake, a'ight? You just take it easy on the brothers, a'ight? The brothers!

 * Danny Vinyard: [Referring to Dr. Sweeney] He's one of those proud-to-be-nigger people, I hate those guys.
 * Cameron: Now wait a minute Danny, he's not proud, no he's a manipulative self-righteous Uncle Tom. He's trying to make you feel guilty about writing about Adolf Hitler. Some nigger, some spic writes about Martin Luther King, or fuckin Caesar commie Chavez gets a pat on the head.

 * Cameron: You know, you made the fat kid a little nervous. He thinks the joint messed with your mind.
 * Derek Vinyard: It did.

 * Cameron: I understand how you feel. I mean, you've just done some hard time and...
 * Derek Vineyard: Don't you fuckin' talk to me about hard time! you don't know a thing about it!
 * Cameron: Hey, I've done mine.
 * Derek Vineyard: You didn't do shit! I found out about your little prison story. You did two months and then you rolled over on two kids and let them go down for you, so don't feed me your fucking lies, Cameron.
 * Cameron: Alright, this is stupid. I'm done. You go cool off, get laid, do something. Get your head on straight, then I'll talk to you.
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah, but it doesn't even really matter if I don't, does it? 'Cause you got the next crop all lined up and ready to go, you fuckin' chicken hawk!
 * Cameron: Excuse me?
 * Derek Vinyard: You prey on people, Cam! You use 'em! I lost three years of my life for your fuckin' phony cause, but I am onto you now, you fuckin' snake!
 * Cameron: Hey, Derek, watch it. Be careful. Remember where you are. This is not some fuckin' country club where you can waltz in and outta here as you choose...
 * Derek Vinyard: Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I came in here to tell you one thing, I am out! OUT! And Danny is out, too. And if you come near my family again, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
 * Cameron: Well, excuse me, but fuck you, Derek. You can't come barking threats at *me*. Look, you can do whatever you want, but Danny is a good kid. He's not some whiny pussy like you. He needs my help and I'm going to give it to him.
 * Derek Vinyard: If you come near Danny again, I will feed you your fucking heart, Cameron.
 * Cameron: I won't have to. He'll come to me. I'm more important to him now than you'll ever be.
 * [Derek slugs Cameron in the face; Cameron falls to the floor]
 * Derek Vinyard: Shit!
 * Cameron: You're a fucking dead man, Vinyard.

 * Danny Vinyard: [On Derek's change in prison] I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry that happened to you.
 * Derek Vinyard: I'm not. I'm lucky. I feel lucky because it's wrong, Danny. It's wrong and it was eating me up, it was going to kill me. And I kept asking myself all the time, how did I buy into this shit? It was because I was pissed off, and nothing I ever did ever took that feeling away. I killed two guys, Danny, I killed them. And it didn't make me feel any different. It just got me more lost and I'm tired of being pissed off, Danny. I'm just tired of it.

 * Dennis Vinyard: So what is this "Native Son" ?
 * Derek Vinyard: It's this book about this black guy. We're doing this whole black literature unit.
 * Dennis Vinyard: What, is it Black History Month?
 * Derek Vinyard: No, it's just this guy Sweeney, you know? It's part of the course now.
 * Dennis Vinyard: Yeah... whatever. It's everywhere I look now.
 * Derek Vinyard: What?
 * Dennis Vinyard: This "affirmative blaction."
 * Doris Vinyard: Honey, a few new books doesn't qualify as affirmative black action.
 * Dennis Vinyard: Read the book, ace the guy's test...just don't swallow everything he feeds you whole. Just because you see it on the evening news...
 * Derek Vinyard: I know, but what?
 * Dennis Vinyard: All this stuff about making everything "equal..." it's not that simple. Now you've got this book "Native Son." What happened to the other books in the course? They're not good anymore because Mr. Two Ph.Ds says so? Now you got to trade great books for black books? Does that make sense? You gotta question these things, Der. You gotta look at the whole picture. We're talking about books...but we're also talking about my job. I've got two black guys on my squad now who got their job over a couple of white guys who actually scored higher on the test. Does that make sense? Yeah sure, everything's "equal" now, but I've got two guys watching my back...responsible for my life...who aren't as good. They only got the job because they were black, not because they were the best.
 * Derek Vinyard: That sucks.
 * Dennis Vinyard: Yeah, is that what America's about? No, America's about the best man for the job. You do your best, you get the job. This affirmative action crap--I don't know what that's about. There's like some hidden agenda or something going on. You see what I'm saying?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah, I do. I didn't think about it like that...This Sweeney guy though, he just comes on so strong. It's hard not to listen to him. I guess some of what he says though, it's kind of--
 * Dennis Vinyard: It's bullshit.
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah...yeah, maybe.
 * Dennis Vinyard: No. It's nigger bullshit. You see that, don't you?
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah.
 * Dennis Vinyard: You got to watch out for that.
 * Derek Vinyard: Yeah. No, I get what you're saying. I will.
 * Dennis Vinyard: [Pats Derek on the back] Good boy. I'm proud of you.

Taglines

 * Some Legacies Must End.

 * Violence as a way of life.

 * United by hate, divided by truth

 * See reality in your eyes when hate makes you blind

Cast

 * Edward Norton - Derek Vinyard
 * Edward Furlong - Danny Vinyard
 * Beverly D'Angelo - Doris Vinyard
 * Avery Brooks - Dr. Bob Sweeney
 * Jennifer Lien - Davina Vinyard
 * Ethan Suplee - Seth Ryan
 * Stacy Keach - Cameron Alexander
 * Fairuza Balk - Stacey
 * Elliott Gould - Murray
 * Guy Torry - Lamont
 * William Russ - Dennis Vinyard

title: American History X


text:
Talk:Charlie Chaplin

Addition
There is a quote; Chaplin responding to a question of how it feels to be the second funniest comedian responds "Chaplin is not a comedian, he's a fucking ballerina." I heard this from John Lewis' Oregon State University film studies class.

 * And so what?

There seems to be some sort of a contradiction between the Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton Wikiquote articles.... Chaplin is quoted as saying, "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." Keaton: "Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot." Either one of them heard this quote from the other, thought it was witty, and decided to do a bit of sly paraphrasing and claim the quote for himself...or someone here on Wikiquote misattributed a quote to Chaplin or Keaton. Could someone clear this up for me?

Unsourced
Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to.

 * You need Power, only when you want to do something harmful, otherwise Love is enough to get everything done.

 * A day without laughter is a day wasted.
 * Variant: The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
 * Similar statements have also been attributed to others, including E. E. Cummings

 * Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

 * All my pictures are built around the idea of getting in trouble and so giving me the chance to be desperately serious in my attempt to appear as a normal little gentleman.

 * Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.

 * Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of oneself.
 * Variant: Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.

 * I am applauded, because everybody understands me; you are applauded, because nobody understands you.
 * addressed to Albert Einstein

 * I am known in parts of the world by people who have never heard of Jesus Christ.

 * I consider myself a citizen of the world!
 * On why he had never become a U.S. citizen.

 * I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its purpose.

 * I don't believe that the public knows what it wants; this is the conclusion that I have drawn from my career.

 * I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.
 * After difficulties in being re-admitted to the United States, based on suspicions of communist sympathies.

 * I remain just one thing, and one thing only — and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

 * I thought I would dress in baggy pants, big shoes, a cane and a derby hat. everything a contradiction: the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large.

 * I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

 * In the end, everything is a gag.

 * Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

 * Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

 * Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.

 * Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

 * No matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

 * Nothing is permanent in this wicked world — not even our troubles.

 * Talkies are spoiling the oldest art in the world — the art of pantomime. They are ruining the great beauty of silence. They are defeating the meaning of the screen. (1929)

 * The basic essential of a great actor is that he loves himself in acting.

 * The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.

 * There are more valid facts and details in works of art than there are in history books.

 * You have to believe in yourself, that's the secret. Even when I was in the orphanage, when I was roaming the street trying to find enough to eat, even then I thought of myself as the greatest actor in the world.

title: Talk:Charlie Chaplin


text:
Saved!

Saved! is a 2004 comedy film about a girl attending a Christian high school who becomes pregnant and finds herself ostracized and demonized, as all of her former friends turn on her.
 * Directed by Brian Dannelly. Written by Brian Dannelly and Michael Urban.

Heaven Help Us.

Mary

 * [voiceover] Veronica was adopted by her parents when they were missionaries in Vietnam. Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will triumphing over a savage, Godless nation.
 * [to a cross, after discovering she's pregnant] Shit! Fuck! [under her breath] Goddamn.

Hilary Faye

 * [to Mary regarding Dean] Come on, you're not born a gay, you're born again.
 * [when she crashes her car] I crashed my van into Jesus!
 * [when throwing a Bible at Mary] I am FILLED with Christ's love!
 * [when talking to Rowland about Jesus] Of course he's white.

Dialogue

 * ...After asking Hilary Faye to 'save her'.
 * Cassandra: So anyways, I finally managed to duct tape a piece of bacon into her locker.

People are running from Hilary Faye asking what 'that smell' is.
 * Hilary Faye: Hey Cassandra, how do you feel?
 * Cassandra: I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye.
 * Hilary Faye: I told you! How great is Jesus?
 * Cassandra: Yeah, about that...I've decided to devote my life to Satan, instead. But thanks!

 * Mary: I need to tell you guys something.
 * [Van suddenly haults]
 * Hilary Faye: Eew.
 * Veronica: Eew.
 * Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.

 * Pastor Skip: (to Hilary Faye, Veronica, and Tia) Listen, I'm concerned about Mary. Something's going on.
 * Hilary Faye: Yeah, me too.
 * Pastor Skip: She's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her.  I'm gonna need you be a warrior out there in the front line of Jesus.
 * Tia: You mean like shoot her?
 * Pastor Skip: (laughs) No, no, no ... I was thinking of something a little less gangsta. I need someone who's spiritually armed to help guide her back to her faith--the love and care that only Jesus can supply.  You down with that?
 * Hilary Faye: Yeah, I'm down with that.
 * Pastor Skip: She's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle.

''Hilary Faye, Veronica, and Tia meet Mary and shove her into Hilary Faye's van. While Veronica holds her down and Tia holds up a picture of Jesus, Hilary Faye stretches her hand toward Mary.''

 * Hilary Faye: In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you, leave the body of this servant of God ...
 * Mary: You're performing an exorcism on me?!?!? Get off me! [she shoves Veronica aside and gets out of the van]
 * Tia: Where are you going?  Get back here!
 * Hilary Faye: Mary, we've gotta get rid of the evil in you.
 * Tia: [holding up a picture of Jesus] It's God's will!
 * Mary: God's will?
 * Tia: Christ died for your sins!
 * Hilary Faye: OK, wait a second. [pushes Tia aside] So are you not gonna accept our intervention here?
 * Mary: You mean kidnapping? No!
 * Hilary Faye: You are backsliding into the flames of hell.
 * Veronica: You've become a magnet for sin!  We've all witnessed it.
 * Mary: Sure, Veronica acting all pure--what about last spring break at the Promise Makers' rally, huh?
 * Hilary Faye: Oh my God ... you are making accusations as we're trying to save your soul?  Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
 * Mary: You don't know the first thing about love.
 * Hilary Faye: I am filled with Christ's love! [throws her Bible at Mary] You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
 * Mary: [Mary hands Bible back to Hilary Faye] This is not a weapon, you idiot.

 * Mary: So, what do you think of the new ride?
 * Veronica: Oh, you're so lucky, Hilary Faye.
 * Hilary Faye: Yeah. I could have had a Lexus Gold Edition, you know. [indicating Roland]
 * Veronica: Wow. Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister. In countries like China, Hilary Faye probably would have been killed at birth.
 * Hilary Faye: Yeah... and then where would you be, Roland?
 * Roland: [deadpan] China.

 * Hilary Faye: You know, smoking isn't just bad for you; it's bad for all of us. Secondhand smoke kills.
 * Cassandra: I'm counting on it. [throws the lit cigarette at Hilary Faye]

 * Hilary Faye: [after Roland spills sauce onto her pants] Do you wanna go wait in the van again? Do you know these are new pants! You're handicapped but get it together.
 * Cassandra: Hey, Roland, how about we get outta here and you can give me a little spin in that thing? Release his parking brake, Hilary "Fake."
 * Hilary Faye: [to Cassandra] You smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking? [camera shows Tia with a sour look on her face]

 * Cassandra: Hey, isn't that --
 * Roland: Mary?? What's she doing downtown?
 * Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!
 * Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb!?
 * Cassandra: Well, two reasons.
 * Roland: With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb.

 * Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.
 * Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.

 * Patrick: Do you wanna go out sometime?
 * Mary: What, are you gonna take me out on your scooter?
 * Patrick: Come on. I'm like, totally adorable. Besides, it'd drive Hilary Faye crazy.
 * Mary: I can't. I'm not...dating right now.
 * Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?
 * Mary: Good night, Patrick.

 * Mary: [about the Virgin Mary] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again. [pause] I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.

 * Mary: Why would Dean's parents send him to a place like that?
 * Lillian: They probably didn't think they could handle it.
 * Mary: What do you mean?
 * Lillian: Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil, fill the gas tank, take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it.
 * Mary: So, you're saying you'd just send me to a place like Mercy House?
 * Lillian: Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian!
 * Mary: Mom...
 * Lillian: Do I need to worry about you? No. No, you're perfect. I don't have to worry about you.
 * Mary: [voice-over] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely under the category of things she couldn't handle.

 * [Mary is going into labor and is being carried into an ambulance]
 * Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.
 * Dean: I'm the father.
 * Patrick: I'm her boyfriend.
 * Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.
 * Paramedic: That's nice, but I've still only got room for one of you.
 * Lillian: [climbing into the ambulance] Starting the party without me?

 * [Mary and Lillian are watching a game show]
 * Lillian: I hate this show. [switches channel]
 * Announcer on TV: Coming up on Lifetime: Valerie Bertinelli stars in Bitter Harvest, a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.
 * Lillian: Oh, this looks good.
 * [many minutes later]
 * Valerie Bertinelli: There was a feeling of twilight in the air. All honeydew and lilac. God wasn't just smiling down on me; he was...jumping up and cheering! And then, well...I thought I was pregnant. I'd been throwing up every morning and I hadn't had my period in two months, so I took a home pregnancy test.
 * Woman, off-camera: What happened?
 * Valerie Bertinelli: ...found out I wasn't pregnant. It was the cancer.
 * Mary: She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?

 * [in the gym; Cassandra and Mary have to help Hilary Faye decorate for prom. Cassandra's hanging a sign on a rafter]
 * Hilary Faye: You better be wearing underpants this time. No, seriously, move it higher. Higher!
 * Pastor Skip: Oh, you're doing a great job, Cassandra. It's looking really phat.
 * Cassandra: [mocking voice] I'm so glad.

 * Tia: I thought you were going to ask Patrick to the prom.
 * Hilary Faye: Tia, would you just shut up? Do you want to go back to being invisible girl with bad hair? 'Cause that could easily happen.

 * Cassandra: You can tacky up prom on your own. I quit!
 * Hilary Faye: Oh my gosh, you can't quit!
 * Cassandra: Watch me! Watch me walkin' away! Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!

Taglines

 * Heaven Help Us.
 * Got Passion? Get Saved. 5:28
 * Lead us not into temptation.

title: Saved!