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As Good as It Gets

As Good As It Gets is a 1997 film about a misanthropic author, a waitress, and a gay artist who form an unlikely friendship after the artist is in an accident.
 * Directed by James L. Brooks. Written by James L. Brooks and Mark Andrus.

BRACE YOURSELF FOR MELVIN x

Melvin Udall

 * [to Verdell, as he throws him down the garbage chute] This is New York. If you make it here, you can make it anywhere.
 * [to Simon Bishop] As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?
 * [trying to write] "Love was..." [Simon Bishop knocks on his door] Son of a BITCH! Pansy-ass stool pusher!
 * [to Simon Bishop] Well, I work all the time. So never, NEVER interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint - even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
 * [to Verdell] I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice. [Verdell is avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, just like Melvin does. Melvin slows and observes the dog mirroring his behavior. Verdell carefully places his paws again to avoid a crack in the sidewalk.] What? Huh? [to Verdell] Hey! Hey! [He laughs out loud.] Look at that! Look at him! [He puts on plastic gloves.] I've gotta give you something. I gotta give you something real good, too. Now, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy. [He lifts Verdell to eye level.] Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way you are 'cause you are a perfect man, and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.
 * [to Verdell, affectionately] Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!
 * Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
 * [to patients in Dr. Green's waiting room] What if this is as good as it gets?
 * [to Brian] I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem. Go get Carol. Get her here. I'm not a - a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer. This day has been a disaster. I'm not sure if I can handle this, too.
 * [to Simon Bishop] Nelly, you're a disgrace to depression.
 * [to Simon Bishop] Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.
 * [about Carol Connelly's promise to never sleep with him] "Never," she says. "Never," she says.
 * [introducing Carol Connelly and Simon Bishop to each other] Carol, the waitress, Simon, the fag.
 * [to the bartender] The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details. I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing. Where if I hadn't, I . . . I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

Carol Connelly

 * [to Melvin Udall] If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand, or leave now. Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
 * [to Melvin Udall] I want your life for one minute where my biggest problem is someone offering me a free convertible so I can get outta this city.
 * [to Melvin Udall] You look so s- . . . [She stops herself from saying "sexy" and regathers.] You look, uh, great. You look great.
 * [to Melvin Udall] When you first came into breakfast, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.

Simon Bishop

 * [to Melvin Udall] You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
 * [to Vincent Lopiano] Okay. Wh - What I do is I watch. You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them? An old woman sitting on a bus or kids going to school or somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them, and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn't changed. And when you see it, they're just sort of realer, and they're more alive. I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
 * [to Verdell] Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, ya little piss-ant mop!? How 'bout another ride down the chute?!
 * [to Melvin Udall] Rot in hell, Melvin.
 * [to Melvin Udall] Is this fun for you? Hm? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, don't it. I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And - and Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me for help. And I won't. And . . . I . . . I don't want to paint anymore. So, the life that I was trying for is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe. It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin? The gay neighbor is terrified. Terrified!
 * [to Melvin Udall] Lucky for you, you're here for rock bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.
 * [to Carol Connelly] But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back, the line of you. You're why caveman chiseled on walls.

Frank Sachs

 * [to Melvin Udall] You wanna say no to me? You wanna say no to me? 'Cause I've never felt this crazy as I do right now. I almost want you to say no.
 * I'm in a freefall here!

Dialogue

 * Simon Bishop: Have you seen Verdell?
 * Melvin Udall: What does he look like?
 * Simon Bishop: My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like?
 * Melvin Udall: Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.
 * Simon Bishop: Which color was that?
 * Melvin Udall: Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.

 * [Frank Sachs knocks on Melvin Udall's door.]
 * Melvin Udall: Oh, now I'm pissed! Now, I am really pissed!
 * [Melvin jerks his door back open. Frank immediately grabs Melvin by his shirt and jerks him forward.]
 * Melvin Udall: Oh! Don't touch! Don't touch!
 * Frank Sachs: Sh! Sh!
 * Melvin Udall: Don't touch.
 * Frank Sachs: Shut up!
 * Melvin Udall: Don't.
 * Frank Sachs: You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, home boy! My grandmother had more attitude.
 * [Melvin calls for help.]
 * Melvin Udall: Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me! Help me!
 * Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] Sh!
 * Melvin Udall: Help me!
 * Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] Stop it! Sh!
 * Melvin Udall: [to Frank Sachs] Assault and battery, and you're black!
 * Frank Sachs: I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch that dog again. Meantime, I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him.
 * [He is suddenly loud.]
 * Frank Sachs: I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.
 * [There is a beat.]
 * Frank Sachs: Have a nice day.
 * [He runs off.]
 * Frank Sachs: Okay! Party!

 * Woman at table: I said, "You love me the way you do your remote control as long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons."
 * Man at table: That's great! That's terrific--
 * Melvin Udall: People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. [after the couple look at Melvin] Eat up.

 * Melvin Udall: [Walks up to the couple he harassed earlier] How much more you got to eat? [Couple look at Melvin quizzically] Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
 * Woman at table: [Puzzled] What?

 * Carol Connelly: What are you doing with a dog?
 * Melvin Udall: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
 * Carol Connelly: You're not worried someone might take it?
 * Melvin Udall: Well, not until now for Christ sake.

 * Melvin Udall: [to Carol Connelly] How old are you?
 * Carol Connelly: Hah!
 * Melvin Udall: If I was gonna guess by your eyes, I'd say you were 50.
 * [Carol looks at Melvin.]
 * Carol Connelly: If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age, how old are you?
 * Melvin Udall: Oh, no, no, no, I mean not -
 * Carol Connelly: I mean, 'cause you brought it up.
 * Melvin Udall: In other words -
 * Carol Connelly: No, I'm curious if you brought it up.
 * Melvin Udall: In other words, you're not - not that you're ugly, that's not what I'm saying.
 * [Carol laughs out loud.]
 * Carol Connelly: Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment, but my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.

 * [Melvin Udall enters the office of his psychiatrist Dr. Green.]
 * Melvin Udall: Hi. Help!
 * Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
 * Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?
 * Dr. Green: There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.
 * Melvin Udall: You said you could help me! What was that? A tease?
 * Dr. Green: I can help you if you take responsibility to keep regular appointment -
 * [Melvin suddenly interrupts.]
 * Melvin Udall: You changed the room around.
 * Dr. Green: Two years ago. I also regrew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me. So, it's like I always -
 * Melvin Udall: Sh. I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time. Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
 * Dr. Green: Yes.
 * Melvin Udall: Thank you.
 * [He starts for the office.]
 * Dr. Green: No, we're not doing this now.
 * Melvin Udall: I changed just one pattern. You always said I should.
 * Dr. Green: No. Nope.

 * Melvin Udall: [to Carol Connelly] I'm hungry.
 * [He sees Carol's astonished look.]
 * Melvin Udall: You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
 * Carol Connelly: What are you doing here?
 * [Melvin ignores this question, instead answering a charge that he had imagined that Carol might have taken.]
 * Melvin Udall: This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter, I'd be saying the -
 * Carol Connelly: Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
 * Melvin Udall: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though it's an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
 * Carol Connelly: What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
 * Melvin Udall: Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick. Just tired and bitter.
 * Carol Connelly: My son is sick, okay?
 * [She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a step inside.]
 * Melvin Udall: What about your mother?
 * Carol Connelly: How do you know about my mother?
 * Melvin Udall: I hear you talking while I wait.
 * Spencer "Spence" Connelly: [offscreen] Mom, I finished my juice.
 * Carol Connelly: I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
 * Spencer "Spence" Connelly: [offscreen] Mom.
 * [He walks into the room. Melvin is uncomfortable.]
 * Melvin Udall: [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly] How ya doing?
 * [Spence just stares at Melvin, who becomes miffed.]
 * Melvin Udall: You should answer someone when they speak to you.
 * [Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief.]
 * Carol Connelly: I'm sorry, Melvin! That's it! I cannot handle you teaching my son manners!
 * [She pushes Melvin out the door and closes it in Melvin's face.]
 * Melvin Udall: Ow!

 * [Carol Connelly carries Spencer "Spence" Connelly through a class of uniformed kids from a Catholic elementary school. Carol Connelly spots Melvin Udall who is about to enter a cab.]
 * Carol Connelly: Melvin, wait!
 * [Melvin turns to face Carol and the school kids, who pick up the chant in unison.]
 * School kids: Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
 * Melvin Udall: Shut up, kids!
 * [The school kids immediately obey as Carol approaches Melvin.]
 * Carol Connelly: Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
 * [Melvin is thrown and pauses a beat.]
 * Melvin Udall: A lift? Okay? [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly] Cover your mouth while you cough, kid.
 * Spencer "Spence" Connelly: I won't.

 * [Carol enters the hospital.]
 * Melvin Udall: Any chance you'll be back at work today?
 * Carol Connelly: No! Stay away from me! God!

 * Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
 * Melvin Udall: I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability.

 * Carol Connelly: Fucking HMO! Bastard pieces of shit!
 * Beverly Connelly: Carol.
 * Carol Connelly: I'm Sorry.
 * Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

 * Carol Connelly: Uh, can we get you anything else? Do you want some, uh, water or some coffee?
 * Dr. Martin Bettes: No, thank you.
 * Carol Connelly: A couple of female slaves?

 * Melvin Udall: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?
 * Nora Manning: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
 * Melvin Udall: Absolutely.
 * Nora Manning: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
 * Melvin Udall: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

 * Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.
 * Melvin Udall: I'm sorry, but, um, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until nine a.m.
 * Carol Connelly: I'm not kidding.
 * Melvin Udall: Okay. Anything else?

 * Beverly Connelly: You are not still writing that thank you note?
 * Carol Connelly: I'm on my last page. How do you spell "conscience"?
 * Beverly Connelly: C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. Look, I got Sean from the bakery to come babysit so we could go out.
 * Carol Connelly: I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. Could you spell that again, please?
 * Beverly Connelly: Spencer's okay. You better finding something else to do with your free time. [to Sean] Sean, are you hungry?
 * Sean: [offscreen] Yeah.
 * Beverly Connelly: All right. We got pizza. Carol and I are going out. Sausage pepperoni. You wanna make this later for you and Spencer?
 * Sean: [offscreen] Great.
 * Beverly Connelly: [to Carol Connelly] We are going out like people do. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little . ..
 * [She struts and pumps her arms.]
 * Beverly Connelly: . . . then I - I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
 * [Carol replies more emotionally than she intended.]
 * Carol Connelly: I don't need one 'cause I know what's really going on here. I gotta finish this letter, or I'll go nuts.
 * Beverly Connelly: Carol?
 * Carol Connelly: This can't be right. Con-science?
 * [She breathes heavily, gets control, and stops herself on the brink of crying.]
 * Beverly Connelly: Carol? What?
 * [She nods. Carol breaks down in tears.]
 * Carol Connelly: It's very weird now not feeling that stupid panic feeling inside me all the time. Without that, I just start thinking about myself, and what good does that ever get anybody? Today, on the bus, there was this adorable couple, and I felt myself giving them a dirty look. I just had no idea everything was . ..
 * [She makes forceful hand gestures.]
 * Beverly Connelly: Go ahead.
 * Carol Connelly: . . . moving in the wrong direction. Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man to anything . . . hold fucking - sorry . ..
 * Beverly Connelly: No, it's okay.
 * Carol Connelly: . . . hands with, for Christ's sake. And I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make Spencer hug me more than he wants to. The poor kid doesn't have enough problems. He has to make up for his mom not getting any. Who needs these thoughts?
 * Beverly Connelly: So, what, are you saying that you're frustrated -
 * Carol Connelly: Leave me be! Why are you doing this? What is it you want? I hope getting me thinking about everything that's wrong when all I want to do is not do that has some purpose. Really, Mom, what is it you want? What?
 * Beverly Connelly: I want us to go out.
 * [There is a beat.]
 * Carol Connelly: Okay.

 * [Carol Connelly hands Melvin Udall a letter of thanks.]
 * Carol Connelly: Now, this is for - for later.
 * Melvin Udall: What's this?
 * Carol Connelly: Um . . . it's a note.
 * Melvin Udall: A note?
 * Carol Connelly: Yeah, it's a thank you note.
 * Melvin Udall: Thank you note? No, no, no.
 * Carol Connelly: You can read it later.
 * Melvin Udall: No. No thank you. No. No thank you note. No, no, no, no.
 * [He hands the note back to Carol.]
 * Melvin Udall: Thank you. Thank you.
 * [Carol leaves.]
 * Frank Sachs: She's nice.
 * Melvin Udall: Yeah.
 * Frank Sachs: Real nice, huh?
 * Melvin Udall: Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "no thanks required"?

 * Frank Sachs: If there is some mental health foundation that raises money for people like you, please be sure to let me know.
 * Melvin Udall: Last word freak.

 * Carol Connelly: So, anything else?
 * Melvin Udall: Yeah. I'm gonna give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
 * Carol Connelly: Okay.
 * Melvin Udall: Hey. What I did for you, it's, uh, working out?
 * [There is a breath.]
 * Carol Connelly: What you did changed my life.
 * [She offers him the thank you note.]
 * Melvin Udall: No, uh . . . no - no thank you note.
 * Carol Connelly: Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life, which you won't read, is that somehow, you have done more for my mother, my son, and me, than anyone else ever has, and . ..
 * [She opens up the letter and looks for a page.]
 * Carol Connelly: . . . I'm just gonna read you this part of it. "And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I ever met in my life and that you're gonna be in our prayers, our daily prayers, forever."
 * Melvin Udall: Lovely.
 * Carol Connelly: I . . . I also wrote one part . . . I'm just gonna say I - I wrote I'm sorry. I . . . I was talking about I was sorry when I - when I got mad at you for - for when you came over, and you told my . ..
 * Melvin Udall: Uh-huh.
 * Carol Connelly: . . . son that he ought to answer back so I wrote that I was sorry about that.
 * [Melvin is wildly uncomfortable and wants to disappear, but Carol is getting into it, being emotionally moved by her own words.]
 * Carol Connelly: And then I . . . I wrote I was sorry for busting you on that, and I'm sorry for busting in on you that night . . . when I said I was never . . . I was sorry, and I'm sorry for every time your food was cold and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler, and I'm sorry for never spotting, right there at the table in the restaurant, the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us. I'll just - you know what? I'm just gonna start from the beginning. "I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you even as I look at the word 'grateful' now, it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel . . ."
 * [She finally notes Melvin's mood and pauses.]
 * Melvin Udall: Uh, that's, uh, nice of you. Thank you.
 * Carol Connelly: Thank you.
 * Melvin Udall: Now, I want you to do something for me.
 * [Carol looks at Melvin for a very strange, long beat.]
 * Carol Connelly: I'm sorry. Didn't I say, "What?" I thought I said, "What?" . . . What?
 * Melvin Udall: I want you to go on this trip.
 * [Carol laughs.]
 * Carol Connelly: No, sir.
 * Melvin Udall: I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one eye on me. I need you to chaperone. Separate everything but cars. You said you like convertibles. Now, I'm on the hook.
 * Carol Connelly: I'm sorry. "The stiff one eye"?
 * Melvin Udall: Two days.
 * Carol Connelly: I can't. I work.
 * Melvin Udall: You get off when you want to.
 * Carol Connelly: My son.
 * Melvin Udall: Bettes said he's doing fine.
 * Carol Connelly: Melvin, I'd rather not.
 * Melvin Udall: What has that got to do with it?
 * Carol Connelly: Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
 * Melvin Udall: Write a note. Ain't she sweet? I need a hand, and where'd she go.
 * Carol Connelly: Are you saying accepting your help obligates me?
 * Melvin Udall: Is there any other way to see it?
 * Carol Connelly: No.

 * Simon Bishop: Well, I always painted. And my - my mother always encouraged it. I mean, she was really sort of - she was sort of fabulous about it actually . . . and she used to . . . you know, I was too young to think anything wrong with it, and she was - she was very natural. So, she used to pose nude for me . . . and I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
 * Melvin Udall: This stuff is pointless.
 * Carol Connelly: Hey! Let him finish please.
 * Melvin Udall: You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?
 * Carol Connelly: Stop! [to Simon] Go ahead. Really. Please don't let him stop you.
 * Simon Bishop: Um, one day, he walked in, and he found us, and he just - he started screaming.
 * [Melvin speaks quickly.]
 * Melvin Udall: My father didn't come out of his room for 11 years. He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano. Huh?
 * Carol Connelly: Go ahead, Simon. So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling?
 * Simon Bishop: Uh-huh.
 * Carol Connelly: Please. Come on.
 * Simon Bishop: Um, he was, uh, um . ..
 * Carol Connelly: Come on.
 * Simon Bishop: Yeah. I know. I mean, um, he was - I was - I remember I was defending my mother, and I - I was trying to, um, you know, make peace in the - the lamest way. I said . ..
 * [He laughs.]
 * Simon Bishop: I said, "She's not naked. It's art."
 * [He and Carol laugh.]
 * Simon Bishop: And he started hitting me. And he beat me unconscious. And he talked to me less and less after that. I mean, he - you know, he knew what I was before I did. And the morning that I left for college, he walked into my room, and he held out his hand, and - and it was filled with money. A big, sweaty wad of money. And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back." And I just grabbed him, and I hugged him, and he turned and walked out.
 * [Carol kisses her fingers and touches them to Simon's cheek.]
 * Carol Connelly: Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over. You -
 * Melvin Udall: That's not true. Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story: good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
 * Carol Connelly: No! I don't think so.
 * Simon Bishop: Not it at all, really.
 * Melvin Udall: Not it at all, huh?
 * [Simon shakes his head.]
 * Melvin Udall: Okay. Let's, uh, go to the hotel and, uh, tomorrow, you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.

 * Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Can I ask you a personal question?
 * [Simon laughs out loud.]
 * Simon Bishop: Sure.
 * Melvin Udall: Ever get an erection over a woman?
 * Simon Bishop: Melvin . ..
 * Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't -
 * Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy?
 * Melvin Udall: All right. I give you that one.
 * [He eyes Simon's suitcase.]
 * Melvin Udall: Nice packing.

 * Head waiter: Good evening.
 * Melvin Udall: Hi. You have hard shells, right?
 * Carol Connelly: Stop asking everyone.
 * Melvin Udall: Just him, that's all. Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.
 * [The head waiter laughs.]
 * Head waiter: Yes, we do.
 * Melvin Udall: Ah.
 * Head waiter: Oh, and, uh, I can give you a tie and jacket.
 * Melvin Udall: What?
 * Head waiter: Oh, they require a tie and jacket, but we have some available.
 * [He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.]
 * Head waiter: Sir?
 * Melvin Udall: No, I'm not putting that on. And in case you were gonna ask, I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague either.
 * Carol Connelly: It's such a nice place. [to the head waiter] You probably have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you?
 * Head Waiter: Actually, I don't think so.

 * [Melvin Udall walks to the doorway of a men's store and stops suddenly and sees that the floor is intricately patterned, making passage for him impossible.]
 * Salesman: Good evening.
 * Melvin Udall: I need a coat and tie.
 * Salesman: All right. Come on in.
 * Melvin Udall: No.
 * Salesman: No?
 * [Melvin points at a jacket.]
 * Melvin Udall: Uh, that one.
 * Salesman: This one?
 * [Melvin points again at the jacket and then a tie.]
 * Melvin Udall: That one and this tie.

 * Carol Connelly: You wanna dance?
 * Melvin Udall: Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
 * [Carol rises.]
 * Carol Connelly: And?
 * Melvin Udall: No. I - I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit, and they let you in with a house dress. I don't get it.
 * [He has no idea that he has insulted Carol. Sandbagged in extreme, she gets up, actually ready to leave.]
 * Melvin Udall: What? W-wait. No. Wait. Why? Where you going? No. Why? I mean, I . . . uh, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, you gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look, just sit down and give it to me.
 * Carol Connelly: Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one. Quick. You have no idea how much what you said hurt my feelings.
 * [Melvin, who is really pissed, mutters.]
 * Melvin Udall: The monominute that someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out. It never fails.
 * Carol Connelly: A compliment is something nice about somebody else. Now or never.
 * Melvin Udall: Okay.
 * [He waves Carol down, and she sits.]
 * Carol Connelly: And mean it.
 * Melvin Udall: Can we order first?
 * [Carol thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room. This does not stop Melvin, who calls out to the waiter.]
 * Melvin Udall: Um, two hard shell crab dinners, pitcher of ice cold beer. [to Carol Connelly] Uh, baked or fries?
 * Carol Connelly: Fries.
 * [Melvin does not hear Carol. She speaks louder.]
 * Carol Connelly: Fries.
 * Melvin Udall: Right.
 * [He calls to the waiter.]
 * Melvin Udall: One baked, one fried.
 * [The waiter shouts back.]
 * Waiter: I'll tell your waiter.
 * Melvin Udall: What a waiter. [to Carol Connelly] Okay. Now, I got a real great compliment for you, and it's true.
 * Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
 * Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake. I've got this what? Ailment. My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills. "Hate", I'm using the word "hate" here about pills. "Hate". My compliment is that night when you came over and told me that you would never . ..
 * Carol Connelly: Um.
 * Melvin Udall: Um, all right, well, you were there. You know. You know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is the next morning, I started taking the pills.
 * [Carol is a little confused.]
 * Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
 * Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
 * Carol Connelly: That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
 * Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
 * [Carol and Melvin laugh.]
 * Carol Connelly: How's it going with those pills? Good, I hopahopahopa. Hm.
 * Melvin Udall: It's - it's - it's - it's, uh, it's little by little. It's - it's - it's exhausting talking like this.
 * [He holds his head.]
 * Melvin Udall: Exhausting.
 * [Carol moves to the chair next to Melvin. Carol sits very close, and Melvin tenses.]
 * Carol Connelly: Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
 * Melvin Udall: Never.
 * Carol Connelly: Here's the trouble with never.
 * [She kisses Melvin.]
 * Note: The line in bold was nominated for the AFI's 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes.

 * Carol Connelly: Are you okay?
 * Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.
 * Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about?
 * Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly.
 * Carol Connelly: Can you believe in our little mix you're the good roommate?

 * Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop, about Carol Connelly] Did you have sex with her?
 * Carol Connelly: [to Simon Bishop, offscreen] Okay, so, you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything?
 * [She comes out, her arms filled with the hotel soaps, shampoos, etc.]
 * Melvin Udall: Sorry. I didn't know she was still here.
 * [There is a beat.]
 * Melvin Udall: Did you have sex with her?
 * Carol Connelly: To hell with sex.
 * [She looks at Melvin.]
 * Carol Connelly: It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need he gave me great. [to Simon Bishop] I'll get dressed in a hurry.
 * [She leaves the room, and Simon laughs.]
 * Simon Bishop: Just love her.
 * [There is a beat.]
 * Simon Bishop: How you doing?

 * Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me. I love you.
 * Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy, I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

 * [Melvin Udall is on the phone, and Carol Connelly is on the other line.]
 * Melvin Udall: Hello?
 * Carol Connelly: Yeah.
 * Melvin Udall: How you doing?
 * Carol Connelly: Not so hot.
 * [Melvin is very concerned.]
 * Melvin Udall: Why? Wh-what's wrong?
 * Carol Connelly: I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.
 * Melvin Udall: Maybe both. Maybe.
 * Carol Connelly: See, right there, I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now.
 * Melvin Udall: Cute.
 * Carol Connelly: You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me. It's really something that you're looking after Simon. And what I said on the street. That was a bad thing to say. And it made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company. But, the truth is you do bother me enormously, and I know that - think that it's - I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you because you're not ready, and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready, and I'm too old to ignore that. But, there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place. Huh. So, anyway, thanks for the trip. Good night. Good night.
 * Melvin Udall: Okay if I say something now?
 * Carol Connelly: Go ahead.
 * Melvin Udall: I should've danced with you.
 * Carol Connelly: Mm. Good night. Good night.

 * Melvin Udall: Are you gonna talk to me or not?
 * Simon Bishop: I'm coming.
 * [He enters the room.]
 * Simon Bishop: What'd she say?
 * Melvin Udall: That I'm a great guy, extraordinary, and she doesn't want contact with me.
 * [There is a beat.]
 * Melvin Udall: I'm dying here.
 * Simon Bishop: Because . ..
 * [He speaks gently.]
 * Simon Bishop: . . . you love her.
 * Melvin Udall: No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?
 * Simon Bishop: Then you tell me why! You're the one who's "dying here."
 * Melvin Udall: I don't know. Let me sleep on it.
 * Simon Bishop: Oh, come on.
 * Melvin Udall: I'll figure it out.
 * Simon Bishop: Oh, please.
 * Melvin Udall: It's, uh . . . I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm stuck. I can't get back to my old life. She - She's evicted me from my life.
 * Simon Bishop: Did you really like it that much?
 * [Melvin is furious.]
 * Melvin Udall: Well, it's better than this. Look, you, I'm very intelligent. If you're gonna give me hope, you gotta do better than you're doing. I mean, if you can't be at least mildly interesting, then shut the hell up. I mean, I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
 * [Simon is getting pissed.]
 * Simon Bishop: Well, picking on me won't help!
 * Melvin Udall: Well, if that's true, I'm really in trouble.
 * Simon Bishop: But . . . Melvin, d-do you know where you're lucky?
 * [Melvin shakes his head.]
 * Simon Bishop: You know who you want. I would take your seat any day. So - so do something about it. Go over there. Now. Tonight. Don't sleep on it. I mean, it's - it's not always good to let things calm down. You can do this, Melvin. You can do this. You can. Pull the stops. Tell her how you feel. You can do this. You can do this.
 * Melvin Udall: I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm charged here.
 * Simon Bishop: Yes, you are!
 * Melvin Udall: She might kill me if I go over.
 * Simon Bishop: Well, then get in your jammies, and I"ll read you a story! Listen, I really think you have a chance here. I mean, the best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself. So, go over there. Do this. Catch her off-guard.
 * Melvin Udall: Okay.
 * Simon Bishop: Okay.
 * Melvin Udall: Thanks a lot.
 * Simon Bishop: Okay.
 * Melvin Udall: Here I go.
 * [He moves for the door but stops suddenly, jolted.]
 * Simon Bishop: What's wrong?
 * Melvin Udall: I forgot to lock the door.

 * Carol Connelly: What do you want, Melvin?
 * Melvin Udall: I'm sorry I woke you. I - I - I - S-Simon -
 * [He half turns to leave.]
 * Carol Connelly: I wasn't asleep.
 * Melvin Udall: What a break.
 * Carol Connelly: Is it a secret what you're doing here?
 * Melvin Udall: I had to see you.
 * [Beverly Connelly, who is behind the door, is hearing their conversation.]
 * Carol Connelly: Because?
 * Melvin Udall: It relaxes me.
 * [He laughs.]
 * Melvin Udall: I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb then any other place I can think of or imagine.
 * [He is suddenly serious.]
 * Melvin Udall: No, no, no, no, wait. That's - that's overstating. I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps because I don't want to get my feet in the gutter. What would that serve?
 * Carol Connelly: Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I -
 * [Beverly butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
 * Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
 * Carol Connelly: I -
 * Beverly Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] Oh, I'm - I'm sorry.
 * Melvin Udall: No.
 * Beverly Connelly: I - I - I didn't mean to interrupt.
 * [She disappears into the apartment. Melvin is hopeful.]
 * Melvin Udall: Boyfriend.
 * [Carol looks at Melvin.]
 * Carol Connelly: Come in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
 * Melvin Udall: Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.
 * Carol Connelly: Maybe we could.

 * [Carol Connelly sees Melvin Udall conspicuously avoiding stepping on lines.]
 * Carol Connelly: I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
 * [Melvin half-whispers something.]
 * Melvin Udall: I'm feeling . . . I've been f-
 * Carol Connelly: What?
 * Melvin Udall: I'm feeling better, Carol.
 * Carol Connelly: Melvin.
 * Melvin Udall: Mm-hm.
 * Carol Connelly: Even though it may seem that way now, you don't know me all that well. I'm not the answer for you.
 * Melvin Udall: Hey. I've got a great compliment for you.
 * Carol Connelly: Y-You know what? I - I - I . ..
 * Melvin Udall: J-J-Just let me - let me talk. Just . . . I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
 * [Carol laughs.]
 * Melvin Udall: I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. And I . . . I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.
 * [He laughs.]
 * Melvin Udall: Is that something that's, uh, bad for you to be around? For you?
 * Carol Connelly: No.
 * [She and Melvin laugh.]
 * Melvin Udall: Gonna grab you.
 * [He and Carol laugh again.]
 * Melvin Udall: I - I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.
 * [He kisses Carol awkwardly. She and Melvin separate. There is a tense beat.]
 * Melvin Udall: I know I can do better than that.
 * Carol Connelly: Oh, Melvin -
 * [He kisses her again.]
 * Carol Connelly: Better. Definitely better.

Taglines

 * BRACE YOURSELF FOR MELVIN
 * A comedy from the heart that goes for the throat.

Cast

 * Jack Nicholson - Melvin Udall
 * Helen Hunt - Carol Connelly
 * Greg Kinnear - Simon Bishop
 * Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Frank Sachs
 * Shirley Knight - Beverly Connelly
 * Skeet Ulrich - Vincent Lopiano
 * Yeardley Smith - Jackie Simpson
 * Lupe Ontiveros - Nora Manning
 * Lawrence Kasdan - Dr. Green
 * Harold Ramis - Dr. Martin Bettes
 * Danielle Spencer - Veterinarian
 * Peter Jacobson - Man at table
 * Lisa Edelstein - Woman at table

title: As Good as It Gets


text:
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title: User:HorsePunchKid/monobook.js


text:
All the President's Men (film)

All the President's Men is a 1976 film about two journalists investigating the Watergate scandal for the Washington Post.
 * Directed by Alan J. Pakula. Written by William Goldman, based on the book by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.

At times it looked like it might cost them their jobs, their reputations, and maybe even their lives.taglines

Bob Woodward

 * The head of security for the reelection of a Republican President got caught bugging the national offices of the Democrats? What the hell does that mean?
 * Hi, I'm Bob Woodward of the Washington Post—and—what's that?--you've never heard of me?--I can't help that—you don't believe I'm with the Post?--what do you want me to do, Madam, shout "extra--extra"?
 * [about Martha Mitchell] I just don't get it; a CREEP secretary being scared, that's one thing. But what does the wife of one of the most powerful men in America have to be afraid of?
 * This is terrific work, if you like rejection.
 * [To Bernstein, getting on an elevator] Is there any place you don't smoke?

Carl Bernstein

 * I lived here all my life, I got a million contacts, but they're all bus boys and bellhops.
 * [to Martin Dardis] Look, you've been jerking my chain all day. If there's some reason you can't talk to me—like the fact that you've already leaked everything to The New York Times—just say so.
 * My first day as a copy boy I was sixteen and wearing my only grown-up suit—it was cream colored. At 2:30 the head copy boy comes running up to me and says, "My God, haven't you washed the carbon paper yet? If it's not washed by three, it'll never be dry for tomorrow." And I said, "Am I supposed to do that?" and he said, "Absolutely, it's crucial." So I run around and grab all the carbon paper from all the desks and take it to the men's room. I'm standing there washing it and it's splashing all over me and the editor comes in to take a leak, and he says, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I said, "It's 2:30. I'm washing the carbon paper." Just wanted you to know I've done dumber things than get us lost, that's all.

Ben Bradlee

 * Goddammit, when is somebody going to go on the record in this story?!...You guys are about to write a story that says the former Attorney General, the highest-ranking law enforcement officer in this country, is a crook! Just be sure you're right...Leave plenty of room for his denial.
 * [Mitchell] really said that about Kathy Graham? [Gives a light chuckle, then hands the notes back to Woodward] Cross out the words "her tit" and run it...this is a family newspaper.
 * Once when I was reporting, Lyndon Johnson's top guy gave me the word they were looking for a successor to J. Edgar Hoover. I wrote it and the day it appeared Johnson called a press conference and appointed Hoover head of the FBI for life... And when he was done, he turned to his top guy and the President said, "Call Ben Bradlee and tell him fuck you." I took a lot of static for that—everyone said, "You did it, Bradlee, you screwed up--you stuck us with Hoover forever." I screwed up but I wasn't wrong. You guys haven't been wrong yet, is that why you're scared shitless? You should be.
 * I can't do the reporting for my reporters, which means I have to trust them. And I hate trusting anybody.
 * It's like they taught us at Harvard: few things are as gratifying to the soul as having another man's nuts in a vise.
 * Either of you want a drink or should I order? Because—because our cocks are on the chopping block, and you've got to be sure that you're not just dealing with people who hate Richard Nixon and want to get him through us. You see, I don't give a shit who's President—I really don't, it's an adversary situation between them and us and it's always gonna be. I never had a closer friend than Jack Kennedy, and once I printed something that pissed him off and for seven months, I didn't exist.
 * All right, you made a mistake maybe, we all have, just don't make another. And watch your personal lives, who you hang around with. Someone once said the price of democracy is a bloodletting every ten years. Make sure it isn't our blood.
 * Now hold it, hold it. We're about to accuse Mr. Haldeman, who only happens to be the second most important man in America, of conducting a criminal conspiracy from inside the White House. It would be nice if we were right.
 * WOODSTEIN!
 * You know the results of the latest Gallup Poll? Half the country never even heard of the word Watergate. Nobody gives a shit. You guys are probably pretty tired, right? Well, you should be. Go on home, get a nice hot bath. Rest up... 15 minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We're under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there. Nothing's riding on this except the, uh, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I'm gonna get mad. Goodnight.

Harry Rosenfeld

 * Woodward, Bernstein, you're both on the story, now don't fuck it up.
 * As a rough rule of thumb, as far as I can throw Bronco Nagurski, that's how much I trust John Mitchell...
 * [to Woodward] I can't sell hints to Simons—you called everyone you know? Call someone you don't know.
 * [to Ben Bradlee] Benjy, we got a present for you. Above the fold on page one for sure. It may not change our lives one way or the other. Just a good, solid piece of American Journalism that The New York Times doesn't have.

Others

 * Richard Nixon: The White House has had no involvement whatever in this particular incident.
 * John Mitchell: All that crap, you're putting it in the paper? It's all been denied. You tell your publisher—tell Katie Graham she's gonna get her tit caught in a big fat wringer if that's published. Good Christ! That's the most sickening thing I ever heard.
 * Hugh Sloan, Jr.: I've been looking for a job but it's been... hard. My name's been in the papers too much. Sometimes I wonder if reporters understand how much pain they can inflict in just one sentence. I'm not thinking of myself. But my wife, my parents, it's been very rough on them. I wish I could put down on paper what it's like—you come to Washington because you believe in something, and then you get inside and you see how things actually work and you watch your ideals disintegrate. The people inside, the people in the White House, they start to believe they can suspend the rules because they're fulfilling a mission. That becomes the only important thing—the mission. It's so easy to lose perspective. We want to get out before we lose ours altogether.
 * White House spokesman: On the record let me say just this: the story is totally untrue. On background, I'd like to add that Bob Haldeman is one of the greatest public servants this country has ever had and the story is a goddamned lie.

Dialogue

 * Rosenfeld: Where's that cheery face we've come to know and love?
 * Woodward: You call me in on my day off because some idiots have broken into local Democratic Headquarters--tell me, Harry, why should I be smiling?
 * Rosenfeld: As usual, that keen mind of yours has pegged the situation perfectly. Except (a) it wasn't local Democratic Headquarters, it was National Democratic Headquarters--and (b) these weren't just any idiots, these were special idiots, seeing as when they were arrested at 2:30 this morning, they were all wearing business suits and Playtex gloves and were carrying--a walkie-talkie, forty rolls of film, cameras, lock picks, pen-sized tear gas guns, plus various bugging devices. Not to mention over two thousand dollars, mostly in sequenced hundred dollar bills.

 * Judge: Will you please state your professions.
 * Barker: Anti-communists.
 * Judge: Anti-communists? That, sir, is not your average profession. Your name, please.
 * McCord: James McCord.
 * Judge: Will you step forward, sir? And what is your occupation, Mr. McCord?
 * McCord: Security consultant.
 * Judge: Where?
 * McCord: Government, uh, recently, uh, retired.
 * Judge: Where in the government?
 * McCord: Central Intelligence Agency.
 * Judge: Where?
 * McCord: The C.I.A.
 * Woodward: Holy shit.

 * Simons: Anything?
 * Rosenfeld: Woodward's onto a new wrinkle with the break-in thing--absolute page one stuff--
 * Simons: In other words, you got nothing, you're thumbsucking.
 * Rosenfeld: [shrugs] Could develop.

 * Woodward: Who's Charles Colson?
 * Rosenfeld: I would liken your query to being in Russia half a century ago and asking someone, "I understand who Lenin is and Trotsky I got too, but who's this yokel Stalin?"
 * Woodward: Who's Colson, Harry?
 * Rosenfeld: The most powerful man in America is President Nixon, probably you've heard his name. The second most powerful man is Robert Haldeman. Just below him are a trio: Mr. Erlichman is Haldeman's friend, and they protect the President from everybody which is why they are referred to as either The German Shepherds or the Berlin Wall. Mr. Mitchell we've already discussed. Mr. Colson is the President's special counsel.
 * Woodward: Thanks, Harry. Know anything about Colson?
 * Rosenfeld: Just that on his office wall there's a cartoon with a caption reading, "When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."

 * Hunt: Howard Hunt here.
 * Woodward: Hi, I'm Bob Woodward of the Post and--
 * Hunt: Yes, yes, what is it?
 * Woodward: I was just kind of wondering why your name and phone number were in the address books of two of the men arrested at Watergate?
 * Hunt: Good God!

 * Simons: Did you call the White House press office?
 * Woodward: I went over there; I talked to them. They said Hunt hadn't worked there for three months. Then a PR guy said this weird thing to me. He said, "I am convinced that neither Mr. Colson nor anyone else at the White House had any knowledge of, or participation in, this deplorable incident at the Democratic National Committee."
 * Simons: Isn't that what you'd expect them to say?
 * Woodward: Absolutely.
 * Rosenfeld: So?
 * Woodward: I never asked about Watergate. I simply asked what were Hunt's duties at the White House. They volunteered he was innocent when nobody asked if he was guilty.
 * Simons: Be careful how you write it.

 * [Woodward has just finished writing his first article on the Watergate break-in, and puts it in the pile to be submitted. Bernstein walks to the desk, sees the story, then takes it and starts working on it himself. Woodward goes to him]
 * Bernstein: How's it going?
 * Woodward: What're you doing?
 * Bernstein: I'm polishing it a little.
 * Woodward: You're what?
 * Bernstein: Polishing.
 * Woodward: What's wrong with it?
 * Bernstein: Nothing, nothing, it's good.
 * Woodward: Then what are you doing with it?
 * Bernstein: I'm helping it, it's a little fuzzy.
 * Woodward: May I have it?
 * Bernstein: I don't think you're saying what you mean.
 * Woodward: I know exactly what I mean.
 * Bernstein: Not here. I can't tell from this whether Hunt works for Coulson or Coulson works for Hunt-
 * Woodward: May I have it, please?
 * Bernstein: -so many conclusions to this-
 * Woodward: May I have it?
 * Bernstein: Yes, I'm not looking for a fight.
 * Woodward: I'm not looking for a fight either.
 * Bernstein: I'm just aware of the fact that you've only been here nine months.
 * Woodward: What's that got to do with anything?
 * Bernstein: Well, I've been in the business since I was 16.
 * Woodward: What're you saying?
 * Bernstein: Look, I'm trying to tell you that if you'd read mine, and then read yours-
 * Woodward: Can I read yours?
 * Bernstein: Yeah. [Woodward takes Bernstein's version and reads them side-by-side] I walked by, gave yours a glance, it didn't look right, so I figured I'd just refine it a little. The first paragraph has to have more clarity, the readers gotta understand. You don't mention Coulson's name till the third paragraph. I think mine's better, but you go ahead and read. If you think yours is better, we'll give yours to the desk. I've got Coulson's name up front. He's a White House consultant and nobody knows-
 * Woodward: You're right. Yours is better. [Goes to his desk, comes back with a bunch of papers] If you're gonna do it, do it right, here are my notes. If you're gonna hype it, hype it with the facts. I don't mind what you did, I mind the way you did it.

 * Woodward: Carl?
 * Bernstein: Yeah?
 * Woodward: Fuck you, Carl.

 * Bernstein: You heard? They put us both on the break-in thing. Simons liked the way we worked together.
 * [Woodward nods]
 * Bernstein: Listen, I'm sorry I said your story was bullshit.
 * Woodward: It's OK; I'm sorry I called you a failure.
 * Bernstein: Forget it, the main thing--did you call me a failure?
 * Woodward: I was sure trying.

 * Librarian: Library.
 * Bernstein: Hi. Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post. I was just wondering if you remember the names of any of the books that Howard Hunt checked out on Senator Kennedy.
 * Librarian: I think I do remember, he took out a whole bunch of material. Let me just go see.
 * [puts him on hold]
 * Bernstein: What do you think?
 * Woodward: Hunt doesn't seem like your ordinary consultant.
 * Bernstein: Maybe a political operative of some sort.
 * Woodward: A spy, you mean?
 * Bernstein: It makes sense; Hunt worked for the C.I.A. and the White House was paranoid about Teddy Kennedy.
 * [The librarian returns]
 * Librarian: Mr. Bernstein?
 * Bernstein: Yes, ma'am.
 * Librarian: What I said before? I was wrong. The truth is, I don't have a card that Mr. Hunt took out any Kennedy material. I remember getting that material out for somebody, but it wasn't Mr. Hunt. The truth is, I've never had any requests at all from Mr. Hunt. [pause] The truth is, I don't know Mr. Hunt.

 * Deep Throat: You thought I'd help out on specifics? I'll confirm what you get, try to keep you on the right track, but that's all. Are you guys really working? [Woodward nods] How much?
 * Woodward: I don't know maybe sixteen, eighteen hours a day--we've got sources at Justice, the FBI, but it's still drying up. The story is dry. All we've got are pieces. We can't seem to figure out what the puzzle is supposed to look like. John Mitchell resigns as the head of CREEP, and says that he wants to spend more time with his family. I mean, it sounds like bullshit, we don't exactly believe that...
 * Deep Throat: No, heh, but it's touching. Forget the myths the media's created about the White House. The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.
 * Woodward: Hunt's come in from the cold. Supposedly he's got a lawyer with $25,000 in a brown paper bag.
 * Deep Throat: Follow the money. Always follow the money.
 * Woodward: What do you mean? Where?
 * Deep Throat: Oh, I can't tell you that.
 * Woodward: But you could tell me that.
 * Deep Throat: No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I'll confirm. I'll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that's all. Just... follow the money.

 * Woodward: This man Gordon Liddy--he's going to be tried along with Hunt and the five burglars--we know he knows a lot, we just don't know what.
 * Deep Throat: You changed cabs? You're sure no one followed you?
 * Woodward: I did everything you said, but it all seemed--
 * Deep Throat: Melodramatic? Things are past that--remember, these are men with switchblade mentalities who run the world as if it were Dodge City.
 * Woodward: What's the whole thing about--do you know?
 * Deep Throat: What I know, you'll have to find out on your own.
 * Woodward: Liddy--you think there's a chance he'll talk?
 * Deep Throat: Talk? Once, at a gathering, he put his hand over a candle. And he kept it there. He kept it right in the flame until his flesh seared. A woman who was watching asked, "What's the trick?" And he replied. "The trick is not minding."
 * Compare dialogue from the film Lawrence of Arabia (1962):
 * Potter: [trying to copy Lawrence's snuffing a match with his fingers] Oooh! It damn well hurts.
 * Lawrence: Certainly it hurts.
 * Potter: Well, what's the trick, then?
 * Lawrence: The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

 * Woodward: This should take only a minute, Mr. Dahlberg, but we're doing a follow-up on the break-in...and I was kind of curious about your check.
 * Dahlberg: Check?
 * Woodward: The twenty-five thousand dollar one....The one with your name on it...In Bernard Barker's Florida account...Bernard Barker, the Watergate burglar.
 * Dahlberg: You're definitely doing a story?
 * Woodward: Yes, sir.
 * Dahlberg: I'm a proper citizen, I'm a decent man, I don't do anything that isn't decent or proper. [pause] I know I shouldn't tell you this...That twenty-five thousand dollars is money I collected for Nixon in this year's campaign.
 * Woodward: I see. And how do you think it reached Miami?
 * dahlberg: I don't know; I really don't. The last time I saw it was when I was in Washington. I gave it to the Finance department of the Committee to Re-Elect the President. How it got to that burglar, your guess is as good as mine.

 * Bradlee: Where's the goddamn story?
 * Woodward: The money's the key to whatever this is.
 * Bradlee: Says who?
 * Simons: Deep Throat.
 * Bradlee: Who?
 * Simons: Oh, that's Woodward's garage freak; his source in the executive department.
 * Bradlee: Garage Freak? Jesus, what kind of a crazy fucking story is this? Who did you say?
 * Simons: He's on deep background, I call him deep... throat.

 * National editor: Let me tell what happened when I was having lunch today at the Sans Souci.
 * Rosenfeld: Correction--when you were drinking your lunch at the bar of the Sans Souci.
 * National editor: This White House guy, a good one, a pro, came up and asked, "What is this Watergate compulsion with you guys?"
 * Rosenfeld: Complusion? I think it's a story. This is not a compulsion.
 * National editor: I said, "Well, we think its important." And he said, "If it's God damn so important, who in the hell are Woodward and Bernstein?"
 * Rosenfeld: Ask him what he's really saying--he means take the story away from Woodstein and give it to his people at the National Desk.
 * National editor: Well, I've got some pretty experienced fellas sitting around, wouldn't you say so?
 * Rosenfeld: Absolutely--and that's all they do, sit sit sit--every once in a while, they call up a Senator, some reporting.
 * National editor: Well, what if your boys get it wrong?
 * Bradlee: Then it's our asses, isn't it?
 * Simons: And we'll all have to go to work for a living.

 * Foreign editor: I don't think either Metropolitan or National should cover the story. I don't think we should cover the story, period. It's a dangerous story for this paper.
 * Bradlee: How dangerous?
 * Foreign editor: It's not that we're using unnamed sources that bothers me, or that everything we print the White House denies, or that almost no other papers are reprinting our stuff.
 * Simons: What then?
 * Foreign editor: Look, there are two thousand reporters in this town, are there five on Watergate? When did the Washington Post suddenly get the monopoly on wisdom? Why would the Republicans do it? McGovern's self-destructed just like Humphrey, Muskie, the bunch of them. I don't believe this story. It doesn't make sense.

 * Bernstein: This is practically a high school reunion for us, Jane--I would have sprung for a classier place.
 * Jane: Anyplace really public, they'd know about it--they know everything at the Committee, Carl.
 * Bernstein: You don't really think you're being followed?
 * Jane: This girlfriend of mine at the Committee, the other day she went back to the D.A. to tell the things the FBI didn't ask her. That night, her boss, he knew what she'd done. They control everything; that's how they know it all.
 * Bernstein: FBI too?
 * Jane: You don't believe me? Well, I was working the weekend of the break-in and my God, all the executives were running around like crazy--you had to practically wait in line to use the shredding machine--and when the FBI came to investigate, they never even asked me about it.
 * Bernstein: If you don't like it down there, why don't you quit?
 * Jane: I don't know what they'd do to me.
 * Bernstein: Hey, easy...
 * Jane: We're a long way from high school, Carl, and I'm scared.
 * Jane: They found out I saw you. They wanted to know everything. Don't call me again.
 * Bernstein: I can help if you'll...
 * Jane: Stay away from me, Carl!
 * Jane: Stay away from me, Carl!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ken Clawson: Please, listen, now, if you're going to refer to that alleged conversation with Sally Aiken, you can't print that it took place in her apartment. I have a wife and a family and a dog and a cat.
 * Bradlee: A wife and a family and a dog and a cat. Right, Ken, right, yeah. Uh, Ken, I don't want to print that you were in Sally's apartment...
 * Clawson: Thank God.
 * Bradlee: I just want to know what you said...in Sally's apartment.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Woodward: A friend at the Committee told us to contact you.
 * Woman: Who was it?
 * Bernstein: We never reveal our sources, which is why you can talk to us.
 * Woodward: It's safe, try it, you'll see.
 * Bernstein: We understand your problem...
 * Woodward: You believe in the President, you wouldn't ever want to do anything disloyal.
 * Bernstein: We appreciate your position--really.
 * Woman: You people--you think that you can come into someone's life, squeeze what you want, then get out. [to Bernstein] You don't appreciate a goddamn thing, mister. [to Woodward] And you don't understand nothing. But the Committee's briefed us on you--so get the hell out of here. Do you like scaring the life out of decent people?--'cause if you don't, in the name of God--stop it!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Man: I know who you are and I'm not afraid but that don't mean I'll talk to you either--you're just a couple Democrats out to stop Nixon getting re-elected.
 * Woodward: Democrats?
 * Man: That's right.
 * Bernstein: I hate both parties.
 * Woodward: And I'm a Republican.
 * Bernstein: Republican?
 * Woodward: Sure.
 * Bernstein: Who'd you vote for?
 * Woodward: When?
 * Bernstein: '68.
 * Woodward: Nixon.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Nixon: [on television] No one in this administration, presently employed, was involved in this very bizarre incident. What really hurts in matters of this sort is not the fact that they occur, because overzealous people in campaigns do things that are wrong. What really hurts is if you try to cover it up.
 * Woodward: Did he just say what I think he said?
 * Bernstein: You voted for him.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Bernstein: I want you to know that I understand why you're afraid--a lot of good people down there at the Committee are afraid. I'm really sorry for what you're being put through.
 * Bookkeeper: All those articles you people write--where do you find that stuff?
 * Bernstein: We don't tell anyone that. Which is why you can talk to us. And if we can't verify what you say someplace else, we don't print it. That's another reason you can relax.
 * Bookkeeper: I'm relaxed--light your cigarette.
 * Bernstein: You were Hugh Sloan's bookkeeper when he worked for Maurice Stans at Finance, and we were sort of wondering, did you go work for Stans immediately after Sloan quit or was there a time lapse?
 * Bookkeeper: I never worked for Sloan or Stans.
 * Bookkeeper's sister: Would you like some coffee or anything?
 * Bernstein: Please, yes, thank you. Can I sit down for a minute?
 * Bookkeeper: One minute but then--
 * Bernstein: Right, right, I've got to go. Why did you lie just then? I was just curious--you don't do it well, so I wondered. Have you been threatened, if you told the truth, is that it?
 * Bookkeeper: No... never in so many words...
 * Bernstein: It's obvious you want to talk to someone--well, I'm someone.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Bernstein: The General Accounting report said there was a 350 thousand cash slush fund in Stans' safe. Did you know about that from the beginning?
 * Bookkeeper: There are too many people watching me--they know I know a lot.
 * Bernstein: It was all in hundreds, wasn't it?
 * Bookkeeper: A lot of it was. I just thought it was sort of an all-purpose political fund--you know, for taking fat cats to dinner, things like that.
 * Bernstein: Could buy a lot of steaks, 350,000 dollars.
 * Bookkeeper: I can't be positive that it was used for the break-in but people sure are worried.
 * Bernstein: Which people?
 * Bookkeeper: The ones who could disburse the money....I don't want to say anymore.
 * Bernstein: You haven't finished telling me about the money.
 * Bookkeeper: Omigod, there was so much of it, six million came in one two-day period--six million cash, we couldn't find enough places to put it. I thought it was all legal, I guess I did, til after the break-in, when I remembered Gordon got so much of it.
 * Bernstein: Gordon Liddy, you mean?
 * Bookkeeper: [nods] It was all so crazy--the day after the break-in he gave us a speech, bouncing up and down on his heels in that loony way of his--Gordon told us not to let Jim McCord ruin everything--don't let one bad apple spoil the barrel, he said. You just know that when Gordon Liddy's calling someone a bad apple, something's wrong somewhere. It's all so rotten... and getting worse... and all I care about is Hugh Sloan. His wife was going to leave him if he didn't stand up and do what was right. And he quit. He quit because he saw it and didn't want any part of it.
 * Bernstein: Think Sloan's being set up as a fall guy for John Mitchell? Sometimes it looks that way.
 * Bookkeeper: If you guys... if you guys could just get John Mitchell... that would be beautiful.
 * Bookkeeper: If you guys... if you guys could just get John Mitchell... that would be beautiful.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Debbie Sloan: This is an honest house.
 * Woodward: That's why we'd like to see your husband.
 * Bernstein: Facing certain criminal charges that might be brought against some people that are innocent, we just feel that it would be...
 * Woodward: It's really for his benefit.
 * Debbie Sloan: No, it's not.
 * Woodward: [long pause] No, it's not.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Bernstein: We were hoping that maybe now you could... We know why you left the Committee. We know you're not guilty of anything. But we know you know who is.
 * Sloan: Look, come in. We'll have to be quiet--my wife's asleep...I'd like to talk to you, I really would, but my lawyers say I shouldn't until after the Watergate trial.
 * Woodward: You handed out the money. Maybe there's a legitimate explanation for the way it was done.
 * Bernstein: Then again, maybe things are even worse than we've written...
 * Sloan: They're worse. That's why I quit.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sloan: Try and understand this. I'm a decent Republican. I believe in Richard Nixon. I worked in the White House four years--so did my wife. What happened on June 17 I don't think the President knew anything about. Some of his men I'm not so sure of.
 * Bernstein: Do you think the truth will come out at the trial?
 * Sloan: That's another of the things I'm not so sure of.
 * Bernstein: Because people at the Committee were told to lie to the prosecutors?
 * Sloan: We were never told flat out "Don't talk." But the message was clear.
 * Bernstein: To cover up?
 * Sloan: Well, they sure didn't ask us to come forward and tell the truth.
 * Woodward: Does "they" mean the White House?
 * Sloan: As opposed to the Committee? The Committee's not an independent operation. Everything is cleared with the White House. I don't think that the FBI or the prosecutors understand that.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Bradlee: All non-denial denials--we're dirty guys and they doubt we were ever virgins but they don't say the story is inaccurate.
 * Bernstein: What's a real denial?
 * Bradlee: If they ever start calling us goddamn liars, it's time to start circling the wagons.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Segretti: I'm a lawyer, and I'll probably go to jail, and be disbarred, and what did I do that was so awful? None of it was my idea, Carl--I didn't go looking for the job.
 * Bernstein: Chapin did contact you then?
 * Segretti: Sure--off the record.
 * Bernstein: On the orders of Haldeman?
 * Segretti: I don't know anything about Haldeman, except, Dwight's frightened of him--everybody's frightened of him--Christ, I wish I'd never gotten messed around with this--all I wanna do is sit in the sun; sit, swim, see some girls.
 * Bernstein: It gets interesting if it was Haldeman, because our word is that when Chapin says something, he's gotten the OK from Haldeman, and when Haldeman says something, he's gotten the OK from the President.
 * Segretti: Can't help you.
 * Bernstein: At USC, you had a word for this--screwing up the opposition you all did it at college and called it ratfucking. [Segretti smiles and nods] Ever wonder if Nixon might turn out to be the biggest ratfucker of them all?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Woodward: Who told them not to investigate the break-in?
 * Deep Throat: Don't you understand what you're on to?
 * Woodward: Mitchell knew?
 * Deep Throat: Of course Mitchell knew. You think something this size just happens?
 * Woodward: Halderman had to know too.
 * Deep Throat: You'll hear nothing from me about Haldeman.
 * Woodward: Segretti told me and Bernstein that...
 * Deep Throat: [interrupting] Don't concentrate on Segretti. You'll miss the overall.
 * Woodward: The letter that destroyed the Muskie candidates... did that come from inside the White House?
 * Deep Throat: You're missing the overall.
 * Woodward: What overall?
 * Deep Throat: The people behind all of this were frightened of Muskie and that's what got him destroyed. They wanted to run against McGovern. Look who they're running against. They bugged offices, they followed people, planted false press leaks, passed fake letters... they canceled Democratic campaign rallies, they investigated Democratic private lives, they planted spies, they stole documents... and now don't tell me that all of this was the work of one Donald Segretti.
 * Woodward: Do your associates in the FBI and the Justice Department know about this?
 * [Woodward turns when a lone car passes by, when he turns back, Deep Throat is gone]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Deep Throat: What's the topic for tonight?
 * Woodward: Ratfucking.
 * Deep Throat: In my day, it was simply called the double cross. I believe the CIA refers to it as Mindfuck. In our context, it simply means infiltration of the Democrats.
 * Woodward: I know what it means--Segretti wouldn't go on the record, but if he would, we know he'd implicate Chapin.
 * Deep Throat: And that will put you inside the White House.
 * Woodward: Be specific. How high up?
 * Deep Throat: You'll have to find that out for yourself. I'm taking great risk meeting you here. I don't like newspapers. I don't care for any inexactitudes or shallowness.
 * Woodward: CREEP's slush fund... we've just about got that down nailed town with the rat-fucking, I don't know how...
 * [footsteps are heard in the distance]
 * Deep Throat: Did you remember to change cabs before coming here?
 * Woodward: Yeah. Does the FBI know what we know? Does the Justice Department? Why haven't they done anything?
 * Deep Throat: If it didn't deal directly with the Watergate break-in, they didn't pursue.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Woodward: Segretti crisscrossed the country, at least a dozen times. And always stayed in cities where there were Democratic primaries.
 * Bernstein: So if the break-in was just one incident in a campaign of sabotage that began a whole year before Watergate...
 * Woodward: Then for the first time the break-in makes sense.
 * Bernstein: This isn't so crazy. This whole thing didn't start with the bugging of the headquarters.
 * Woodward: Segretti was doing this a year before the bugging.
 * Bernstein: And a year before, Nixon wasn't slaughtering Muskie, he was running behind Muskie, before Muskie self-destructed.
 * Woodward: If he self-destructed!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Deep Throat: You were doing so well and then you got stupid, you went too fast--Christ, what a royal screw up.
 * Woodward: I know, I know, the pressure's off the White House and it's all back on the Post.
 * Deep Throat: [angry tone] You let Haldeman slip away.
 * Woodward: Yes.
 * Deep Throat: You've done worse than let Haldeman slip away: you've got people feeling sorry for him. I didn't think that was possible. In a conspiracy like this, you build from the outer edges and go step by step. If you shoot too high and miss, everybody feels more secure. You've put the investigation back months.
 * Woodward: Yes, we know that. And if we're wrong, we're resigning...Were we wrong?
 * Deep Throat: You'll have to figure that on your own.
 * Woodward: Listen, I'm tired of your chickenshit games! I don't want hints. I need to know what you know!
 * Deep Throat:...It was a Haldeman operation. The whole business was run by Haldeman, the money, everything. It won't be easy getting at him, he was insulated, you'll have to find out how. Mitchell started doing covert stuff before anyone else, the list is longer than anyone can imagine... it involves the entire U.S. Intelligence Community. FBI, CIA, Justice...it's incredible. Cover-up had little to do with Watergate, it was mainly to protect the covert operations. It leads everywhere. Get out your notebook, there's more. Your lives are in danger.

Taglines

 * At times it looked like it might cost them their jobs, their reputations, and maybe even their lives.
 * The most devastating detective story of the century!

Cast

 * Dustin Hoffman - Carl Bernstein
 * Robert Redford - Bob Woodward
 * Jack Warden - Harry M. Rosenfeld
 * Martin Balsam - Howard Simons
 * Hal Holbrook - Deep Throat
 * Jason Robards - Ben Bradlee
 * Jane Alexander - Judy Hoback
 * Meredith Baxter - Debbie Sloan
 * Ned Beatty - Martin Dardis
 * Stephen Collins - Hugh W. Sloan
 * Penny Fuller - Sally Aiken
 * Robert Walden - Donald Segretti

title: All the President's Men (film)


text:
User:Alfoor~enwikiquote

Please see also my Wikipedia namespace Currently a graduate student studying linguistics, especially philology, in the Washington, D.C. area, working towards my Ph.D.. In a general sense, I'm focusing on the use of modern technology to analyze historical documents. I'm originally from Québec City. My undergraduate degree is from M.I.T. A good graphical representation of my life is available here.

Interests

 * Linguistics
 * Technology Topics
 * International Relations
 * Computer Science
 * Politics
 * Religion
 * Medieval History
 * Canadian Topics
 * Quebec Topics

Some Contributions

 * Added a quote from the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Late-Night Fun
Q: It's Saturday. It's 12AM. Do you know where your grad student is? A: Of course I do. She's in the lab, either compiling data, running an experiment, or doing her advisor's work for him.

Want to read my thesis?
So does my advisor

title: User:Alfoor~enwikiquote