text:
Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives (2004–2012) is an American television program, airing on ABC, about four women struggling to cope with their best friend's unexpected suicide.

Ah, But Underneath

 * Lady: Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues.
 * Lynette: I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues.

 * Susan: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.
 * Julie: He did? Cool.
 * Susan: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.

 * Gabrielle: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?
 * Susan: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.

 * Julie: Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
 * Susan: Shut up, Julie!
 * Julie: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.
 * Susan: I keep hoping he'll ask me out.
 * Julie: How's that going?
 * Susan: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

 * Gabrielle: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?
 * Susan: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.
 * Gabrielle: Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.
 * Susan: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 05:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 05:30, so I should shoot for five.

 * Bree: It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

 * Gabrielle: Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

 * Edie: Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex-husbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp.

Pretty Little Picture

 * Rex: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?
 * Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.
 * Rex: Of course.

 * Paul: Can I be frank?
 * Susan: Of course.
 * Paul: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her.

 * Gabrielle: How was school?
 * John: I got an A minus in biology.
 * Gabrielle: Show me what you learned.

 * Susan: Lynette?
 * Lynette: I'm in.
 * Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks.
 * Lynette: I'm still in.

 * Zach: You didn't put in an obituary?
 * Paul: I've been busy.
 * Zach: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

 * Susan: How could we have all forgotten about this?
 * Lynette: We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies the party is off.
 * Bree: Lynette!
 * Lynette: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

 * Karl: The heart wants what it wants.
 * Susan: Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!

 * Gabrielle: (to Ashley, about kissing,) And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!

 * Bree: Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Who's that Woman?

 * Martha: I was just thinking of that expression, "I'll make mincemeat out of you." Mincemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression was like saying, "I'll chop you up into little pieces!"

 * Yao Lin: I hate lying.
 * Gabrielle: Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there.

 * Edie (to Mrs. Huber): I hate Susan Meyer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

Come In, Stranger

 * Bree: I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.

 * Bree: He could've been a sexual predator.
 * Rex: And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation.

 * Lynette: You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are.
 * Bree: So you want me to lie?
 * Lynette: I thought that was understood.

 * Rex: Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.
 * Bree: Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking.

 * Bree: Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years.
 * Rex: Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone.
 * Bree: You're right. That was hard to hear.

 * Mama Solis: Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled.

 * Lynette: Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.
 * Susan: Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down.

 * Susan: I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change for a 5? Preferably in quarters.
 * Prostitute: If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!

 * Bree (after telling Zach the story of her mother's death.): I've never told anyone that story before.
 * Zach: Well, those are the most interesting ones. The stories that we never tell anyone.

Running to Stand Still

 * Gabrielle: Yeah, I've seen who you’ve been busy with.
 * John: Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend.
 * Gabrielle: Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

 * Bree: Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.
 * Dr. Goldfine: All right.
 * Bree: I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan.

 * Julie: How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?
 * Susan: I don't know, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little.

 * Bree: I'm repairing a chipped mug.
 * Rex: Why don't you just buy a new one?
 * Bree: Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

 * Susan: (about borrowing the car) It's no big deal. It's only for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year!

 * Bree: How much longer is your mid-life crisis going to last because it's really starting to tick me off!

 * Lynette: Next Spring, we're going to do 'Bambi' and his mother is going to take a slug to the heart....and you're gonna like it!

Anything You Can Do

 * Mary Alice (voiceover): Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

 * Susan: Hey Edie!
 * Edie: Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

 * (Susan is embarassed after having been hit in the face by a mechanical bull)
 * Susan: Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?
 * Mike: Just the slapstick fans.

 * Mr. Shaw: Sometimes, evil drives a minivan.

Guilty

 * Edie: I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!
 * Martha: Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched.

 * Bree: This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car.
 * Rex: How can you be so sure?
 * Bree: Because I have faith in the poor.

 * Father Crowley: Don't you want to be a good person?
 * Gabrielle: What I want is to be happy.
 * Father Crowley: That's the answer of a selfish child.
 * Gabrielle: I know.

 * (Doorbell rings)
 * Lynette: Go to hell. (doorbell rings 3 times.) Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.

 * Susan: (to Bongo, Mike's dog) If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave. (Bongo turns around) No! Wait! Don't go!

 * Susan: (to Bongo) What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog. (Bongo runs out) Good boy Bongo! Go get help! (Bongo brings back a dead bird) Ohh...ew!

Come Back to Me

 * Bree: Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?
 * Rex: All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!
 * Bree: Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex.

 * Maisy: You’re not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you’d hate the humiliation a lot more.
 * Bree: Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you.

 * Julie: Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up.
 * Susan: Oh, how awful!
 * Julie: Mom, you're smiling.
 * Susan: "Am I? Hmm."

 * Bree: (whispering) As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?
 * Rex: Bree...
 * Bree: And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

 * Maisy: Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?
 * Bree: Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?

 * Bree: Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's going to fornicate for us!

Move On

 * George: It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp.
 * Rex: Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!

 * Paul: I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return.
 * Felicia: Oh, I seriously doubt that.

 * Edie: Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing.
 * Felicia: Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place.

 * Bree: Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection.

 * Susan: Mike, guess what? I love you.

Every Day, A Little Death

 * Felicia: Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.
 * Police Chief: I don't know, I think they just want to show their support.
 * Felicia: Please. Human beings feed on misery.

 * Gabrielle: You're the man of the house? You can't even leave it.

 * Gabrielle: I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed.
 * Yao Lin: Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly.
 * Gabrielle: Don't you have a toilet to scrub?

 * Edie: Oh Susan, you are such a good person, and I'm such a bitch!

 * Susan: I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me.

 * Felicia: Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks.

Your Fault

 * Rex: Hey!
 * Bree: I'm not speaking to you.
 * Rex: Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?
 * Bree: You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.
 * Rex: You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!
 * Bree: Hardly? How about never!
 * Rex: I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...
 * Bree: You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!
 * Rex: Isn’t divorce fun?

 * Susan (chuckles): Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...
 * Zach: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
 * Susan (harshly): Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!

 * Gabrielle: John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? No future!

 * Rex: What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?
 * Bree: I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.

 * Gabrielle: I've tried poor but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!

Love is in the Air

 * Bree: Okay. So what’s our control word?
 * Rex: Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?
 * Bree: Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.
 * Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
 * Bree: Um, how about Boise?
 * Rex: Boise?
 * Bree: What's the matter with Boise?
 * Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."
 * Bree: Hmm. How about Palestine?
 * Rex: Boise will be just fine.

 * Rex: For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.
 * Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

 * Lynette: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.
 * Mrs. McCluskey: No offense, but you should be sterilised.

 * Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is?
 * Porter: No.
 * Lynette: Too bad for you.

 * Karen McCluskey: How old are you?
 * Porter (also referring to his twin brother): We're 6.
 * Karen McCluskey: And how old are you?
 * Parker: 5.
 * Karen McCluskey: Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?
 * Porter: How old are you?
 * Karen McCluskey: How old do you think?
 * Porter: 150.

Impossible

 * John: Mrs. Van De Kamp.
 * Bree: Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
 * John: Sure. So, what can I do for you?
 * Bree: Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.

 * Rex: For God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut off his penis and he'd still try to have sex."

 * Bree: You're President of the abstinence club!
 * Danielle: Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term.

 * Susan: Well, I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy.

 * Bree: We're WASPs, denying the white elephant in the room is what we do best.

 * Andrew: Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine...
 * Danielle: You suck, you know that.

The Ladies who Lunch

 * Edie: So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?

 * Edie: I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.
 * Lynette: Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue.

 * Edie: My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another.

 * Lynette: I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.
 * Gabrielle: Obviously someone who is not getting it at home.
 * Bree: Ah, what just happened?
 * Lynette: The stakes were raised.
 * Bree: Yes, yes they were. I fold.

 * Maisy: ..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.
 * Bree: Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with.

 * Gabrielle: As I see it, good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, but great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place.

 * Bree: Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for an answer.

 * Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
 * Edie: Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!

 * Rex: Are they laughing at us?
 * Bree: No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying.

 * Rex: What are we gonna do?
 * Bree: Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster.
 * Rex: Please, let's go now...
 * Bree: Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu.
 * Rex: Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating.

 * Bree: Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.
 * Rex: Bree...
 * Bree: I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step.

 * Susan: You lied to me.
 * Mike: When? When did I lie to you?
 * Susan: The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.
 * Mike: You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer.
 * Susan: No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.
 * Mike: I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.
 * Susan: See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.
 * Mike: Susan...
 * Susan: Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

There Won't Be Trumpets

 * Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
 * Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito.

 * Bree: Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen.

Children Will Listen

 * Bree: Porter, what did I tell you?
 * Porter: But I'm hungry.
 * Bree: Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.
 * Porter: Ew, barf.
 * Bree: Don't be common, young man.

 * Gabrielle: Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.

 * Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then...
 * Lynette: We're screwed.
 * Tom: Exactly.

 * Lynette: Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled.
 * Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...
 * Lynette: Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.
 * Bree: If it were any other day.
 * Lynette: Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

 * Rex: Bree, why aren't you dressed?
 * Bree: I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is.
 * Rex: Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs.
 * Bree: (ignoring him) A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that.
 * Rex: Bree...
 * Bree: Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green...
 * Rex: Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car.
 * Bree: (quietly, to herself) I'll wear green; everyone likes green.

 * Felicia (referring to Mrs. Huber's house): This is the place where good taste goes to die.

Live Alone and Like It

 * Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"
 * Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."
 * Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

 * John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"
 * Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"
 * John: "Stop pretending we have a future."
 * Gabrielle: "Thank you."

 * Gabrielle: "If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."
 * Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."
 * Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"

 * Gabrielle: "I feel trapped."
 * John: "You want me to open a window?"
 * Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life."
 * John: "Oh. Are we done making out?"

 * Andrew: (referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?
 * Rex: Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

 * Gabrielle: "Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all of all possible worlds."

 * John: "Why dont you return the shoes and get the money back?"
 * Gabrielle: "Return the shoes!?! I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical!"

 * Bree: "Your father is into S&M. He makes me beat him with a riding crop. No wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

Fear No More

 * Edie: "When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend."
 * Lynette: "I thought you said you didn't have any female friends."
 * Edie: "I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either."

 * Martha (about Mary Alice): "Are you saying she stole the baby?"
 * Felicia: "Don't look shocked, Martha. It makes your face look fat. The biological mother was a drug addict. If Angela is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky."

 * Bree: "Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?"
 * Rex: "Haha. No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years."
 * Bree: "Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie."

 * Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, what brings you down here? (she looks concerned) Oh, sweet mother of God what have you done this time?"

 * Tom: "...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that."
 * Lynette: "It's too late."
 * Tom: "Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives."

Sunday in the Park with George

 * Carlos: "Where are you going?"
 * Gabrielle: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."

 * Carlos: "Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry."
 * Gabrielle: "That bitch! I can’t believe her."
 * Carlos: "I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling."
 * Gabrielle: "Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she’s good!"

 * Felicia: "I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?"
 * (Paul Young refuses)
 * Felicia: "Suit yourself."

 * Edie: (to Bree) You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.

One Wonderful Day

 * John: (to Carlos) "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that your lawn was the only one that needed to be mowed three times a week?"

Next

 * Bree: "(calmly) I have some news. Rex died."

 * Betty: "(to Bree) We widows have to stick together."

 * Matthew: "I was just trying to cover up."
 * Betty: "I know you were but next time leave the cleverness to me."

 * Carlos: "I can't believe you had an affair."
 * Gabrielle: "Well you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that."
 * Carlos: "We're not very nice people are we?"
 * Gabrielle: "No."
 * Carlos: "When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy."
 * Gabrielle: "Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich."
 * Carlos: "Thank God for that."

 * (Susan, Lynette, & Gabrielle are wondering why Bree is acting so calm about Rex's death)
 * Bree: "I can't afford to break down right now."
 * Gabrielle: "Why?"
 * (Rex's mother, Phyllis, comes around in a taxi sobbing)
 * Bree: "You're about to find out."

 * (Phyllis has been rude to Bree)
 * Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral."
 * Phyllis Van De Kamp: "What?!?"
 * Bree: "I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and they will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter."
 * Reverend Sikes: "Bree, this is your grief talking."
 * Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away from your church."
 * Reverend Sikes: "Bree!"
 * Bree: "I'm not kidding. I will get non-denominational so fast it will make your head spin."

 * Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving."
 * Bree: "I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral."
 * Andrew: "Why?"
 * Bree: "If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me."
 * Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad."
 * Danielle: "(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!"
 * Andrew:(to Danielle) "Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there."

 * Bree: (to Rex's corpse) "You look magnificent."

You Could Drive A Person Crazy

 * Gabrielle: "Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely."
 * Carlos: "Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money."
 * Gabrielle: "Why are all rich men jerks?"
 * Carlos: "Same reason all beautiful women are bitches."
 * (pause)
 * Carlos: "So, same time tomorrow?"
 * Gabrielle: "Sure, baby."

 * Susan: "What do you mean, you know?"
 * Julie: "I mean, I know."
 * Susan: "What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?"
 * Julie: "Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now."
 * Susan: "What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing."
 * Julie: "Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?"
 * Susan: "Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it."
 * Julie: "Are you done?"
 * Susan: "No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off."
 * Julie: "Wrong again."
 * Susan: "What?"
 * Julie: "He asked her out."
 * Susan: "You lie."
 * Julie: "It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party."
 * Susan: "The one at the piano bar?"
 * Julie: "Yeah. What is it?"
 * Susan: "Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you."
 * Julie: "Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?"
 * Susan: "Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing."

 * Gabrielle: (heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) "Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money."
 * Carlos: "What choice do I have?"
 * Gabrielle: "You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sakes."
 * Carlos: "Yeah. It was for golf!"

You'll Never Get Away From me

 * Susan: "I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him."
 * Mike: "But..."
 * Susan: "But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?"

 * Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job."

 * Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me."
 * (Carlos laughs at her)
 * Gabrielle: "No, he really did. Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down..."

 * Lynette: "And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset."

 * Bree: "Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply."

 * Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?"
 * Edie: "Hmm. Just a hunch."
 * Susan: "Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?"
 * Julie: "Guys!"
 * Edie: "Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved."
 * Susan: "That is so not true!"
 * Edie: "Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you."
 * Susan: "She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me."
 * Edie: "No, she wouldn't."
 * Susan: "Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?"
 * Julie: "Oh, no, no, no, no."
 * Susan: "No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?"
 * Edie: "Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you."
 * Julie: "Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie."
 * Edie: "Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please."

 * Edie: "Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it."

My Heart Belongs To Daddy

 * Lynette: "And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?"
 * Tom: "Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal."
 * Lynette: "I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies."
 * Tom: "Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive."
 * Lynette: "I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?"

 * Mike: "Uh, Susan?"
 * Susan: "Yeah?"
 * Mike: "Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore."
 * Susan: "I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time."

 * Gabrielle: "You and I need to get laid! (everyone in the visiting room looks at her, astonished) Oh, don't judge me. You're not here because you got caught helping the poor."

 * Bree: "I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late."
 * Andrew: "I'm sorry, but I already have plans."
 * Bree: "Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?"
 * Andrew: "Yeah, so?"
 * Bree: "Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?"
 * Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?"
 * Bree: "Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating."

 * Tom: "Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere."
 * Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."
 * Parker: "Like who?"
 * Lynette: "I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?"
 * Tom: "Lynette?"
 * Lynette: "I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay?" (Tom's face becoming dark)

 * Lynette: "(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."
 * Tom: "Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this."
 * Lynette: "You really think so? Really?"
 * Tom: "I promise."

They Asked Me Why I Believed In You

 * Carlos: "Is that the baby's head?"
 * Gabrielle: "No, that's his foot."
 * Carlos: "That looks like a head to me."
 * Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks."

 * Bree: "Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body."
 * Gabrielle: "About time."
 * Susan: "You must be so relieved."
 * Bree: "You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?"
 * Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies."
 * Bree: "Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial."
 * Gabrielle: "The what?"
 * Bree: "Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem."
 * Gabrielle: "We would love to come."
 * Susan: "Absolutely."
 * (Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)
 * Edie: "I'm busy. Sorry."
 * Susan: "Edie!"
 * Edie: "She's going to read a poem!"
 * (Susan kicks Edie under the table)
 * Edie: "Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come."

 * Counselor:"This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?
 * Gabrielle: Shaky, at best.
 * Counselor: And why is that?
 * Gabrielle: I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all.
 * Counselor: Carlos?
 * Carlos: I just didn't like him.
 * Gabrielle: Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful.
 * Carlos: Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing.
 * Gabrielle: Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?
 * Carlos: Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me.
 * (Bob, who was also there having a group session, gasps)
 * Gabrielle: Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp.
 * Lisa: Don't you talk that way to him!
 * Gabrielle: One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself.
 * Counselor: Okay, calm down.
 * Carlos: Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model.
 * Gabrielle: I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care.
 * Counselor: So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?
 * Gabrielle: (interrupting) By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!
 * Carlos: Do you know?
 * Gabrielle: No!
 * Mona's Husband: I bet he's hot.
 * (everyone stops what they were doing)
 * Mona: Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?

 * Bree: My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.
 * Susan: What?
 * Bree: Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!
 * Gabrielle: Are you sure?
 * Bree: Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand. And I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?
 * Edie: Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?
 * Bree: (exploding) I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

That's Good, That's Bad

 * Mary Alice (voiceover): Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can exist side-by-side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything.

Silly People

 * Ferrara: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
 * Tom Scavo: Uh, huh, yeah.
 * Ed Ferrara: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
 * Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
 * Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
 * Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
 * Ed Ferrara: You were Greek?
 * Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega.
 * Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap.
 * Tom Scavo: You?
 * Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
 * Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
 * Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

 * Carlos: What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?
 * Gabrielle: Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Thank You So Much

 * Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.
 * Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.
 * Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

 * Carlos: [about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.
 * Gabrielle: Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.
 * Carlos: Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?
 * Gabrielle: It wouldn't have done any good.
 * Carlos: How do you know that?
 * Gabrielle: Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.
 * Carlos: But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.
 * Gabrielle: [in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

There Is No Other Way

 * Bree: The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

 * Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.
 * Gabrielle: So?
 * Carlos: So, you're topless.
 * Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.
 * Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?
 * Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.

 * Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Time to check your blood pressure.
 * Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?
 * Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Yes.
 * Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.
 * Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

 * Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
 * Andrew: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
 * Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
 * Andrew: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
 * Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
 * Andrew: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
 * Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

 * Gabrielle: I'm the one who was sleeping with your son, but it's over now.
 * Helen Rowland: No. You're wrong. It's not even close to being over.

Please Don't Look At Me

 * [Parker is coloring]
 * Lynette: Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.
 * Parker Scavo: Oh, are you mad?
 * Lynette: [laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.
 * Parker Scavo: [Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.
 * Lynette: Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.
 * Parker Scavo: [Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?
 * Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?
 * Parker Scavo: OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!
 * [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture]
 * Lynette:... And then the mommy and the daddy because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.
 * Parker Scavo: What kind of seed?
 * Lynette: Oh, that's not important.
 * Parker Scavo: I don't believe you!
 * Lynette: Parker, I'm your mother. Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

I Wish I Could Forget You

 * Dr. Goldfine: So the hives occurred right after you kissed George.
 * Bree: Yes. It was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about to make love for the first time.
 * Dr. Goldfine: Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?
 * Bree: Actually, I have not considered that, because that's... idiotic.
 * Dr. Goldfine: You don't think that being with George made you feel a bit guilty?
 * Bree: Why should I feel guilty?
 * Dr. Goldfine: Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery.
 * Bree: Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse.
 * Dr. Goldfine: Maybe that's not how you really feel deep down.
 * Bree: Oh, so you think I'm crazy?
 * Dr. Goldfine: You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason, and it's probably a psychosomatic one.
 * Bree: You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious.
 * Dr. Goldfine: Every time you've said 'Rex' in this session, you stroked the place where your wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?

 * David: What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal.
 * Gabrielle: Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second.
 * David: What happened?
 * Gabrielle: David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but if you ask me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up.
 * David: We've got 40 minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed.
 * Gabrielle: What?!
 * David: You want to get your husband out of jail? Got to dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue.

 * David: You're not willing to get a divorce but you're willing to have an affair?
 * Gabrielle: I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.

 * Edie: Well, someone may as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?

Could I Leave You?

 * Eugene Beale: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.
 * Gabrielle: Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.
 * Libby: You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.
 * Carlos: Really?
 * Libby: Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.
 * Carlos: Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

I Know Things Now

 * Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.
 * Karl: Now why would I do that?
 * Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.
 * Karl: I'll bring the wine.

 * Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
 * Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
 * Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

 * Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.
 * Gabrielle: Why?
 * Gabrielle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.
 * Carlos: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.
 * Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.
 * Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.
 * Gabrielle: Well, that's different.
 * Carlos: Why?
 * Gabrielle: Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

Listen to the Rain on the Roof

 * Mary Alice (voiceover): Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mistake, like the scars of his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible nothing can wash them away.

It Takes Two
Nora: We stopped off at this bar and I got bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares,right? I mean, who cares? It's a bar, and we all do it, right?

Lynette: Right.

Nora: So he tells me to watch my mouth, and I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes tryin' to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore- We done.

Lynette: Ok, whoa, whoa. Take a deep breath. You don't break up with a guy because in a weak moment he call you a whore.

Nora: And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me.

Lynette: Ok, but he didn't, and until he...

Nora: Oh, jeez, Lynette. Whose side are you on?

Lynette: I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple.

Nora: [crying] I know.

Lynette: I just.... You don't wanna throw that all away cause of a little fight with no hitting.

Nora: No. It's over.

A Weekend in the Country
Lynette Scavo: Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour. Parker Scavo: No I don't, I quit.

Lynette Scavo: What?

Parker Scavo: I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.

Lynette Scavo: Well Daddy should've checked with Mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!

Parker Scavo: But Mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!

Lynette Scavo: It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.

Parker Scavo: [disgrunteled] Ohh!

Nice She Ain’t
Orson: Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!

Edie Britt: Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy.

Andrew Van De Kamp: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Susan: How do you sleep at night? Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me

Bang
Edie: Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.
 * Austin: A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!
 * Edie: Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

 * Nora (dying): I don't have later, you stupid bitch.

 * Lynette (In her dream, seeing Mary Alice at the last time): Let me save you.
 * Mary Alice: You can't.
 * Lynette: Why not?
 * Mary Alice: Sweetie, we can't prevent what we can't predict.
 * Lynette: Isn't there anything I could do?
 * Mary Alice: Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.

 * Carolyn (To Lynette in the supermarket): Have you not been listening? My husband cheated on me!
 * Lynette: Who cares?! We all have pain, every one of us has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!
 * Carolyn: She deserved it!
 * Lynette: Well, maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

Sweetheart, I Have to Confess
Parker Scavo: How long will Daddy be gone?

Lynette Scavo: Well, that sorta depends on Daddy.

Porter Scavo: Are you two mad at each other?

Lynette Scavo: Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Preston Scavo: Why can't he take a time-out in his room?

Lynette Scavo: Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.

Parker Scavo: No fair, that sounds fun!

Lynette Scavo: Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.

Porter Scavo: What's petulant?

Lynette Scavo: It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures.

Preston Scavo: Huh?

Lynette Scavo: It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!

Children and Art
Adventure Scout Girl: [Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Gabrielle: [as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.

Adventure Scout Girl: Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]

Gabrielle: [Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart.

Adventure Scout Girl: Really? Are you sure?

Gabrielle: I should know. I was on the front cover.

Adventure Scout Girl: [Stunned] No. Way.

Gabrielle: Uh, way.

The Miracle Song
Mary Alice: The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night.

Susan: "You have to kiss me. It's the law."

Susan: "I assume this means they know about me?"

Ian: "But of course."

Susan: "And they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Ian: "That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them."

Susan: "Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?"

Ian: "I just assumed that you were lazy."

Susan: "I wish. My cooking is not good."

Ian: "Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal."

Susan: "Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?"

Ian: " Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it."

Susan: "Right...like an ambulance."

Vern: "Poor thing, she tries so hard."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her."

Vern: "How will I tell her family?"

Gabrielle: "We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic."

Vern: "Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and—"

Gabrielle: "Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there!"

Vern: "Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it?"

Bree: "What are you watching?"

Gloria: "Home movies."

Bree: "It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?"

Gloria: "Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death."

Bree: "We also have cable."

Bree: "It's not that easy. I love him."

Gloria: "You'll get over it. I did."

Susan: "So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them."

Bree: "And yet you're cooking?"

Susan: "What's going on?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "They just arrested Mike for murder."

Susan: "What?!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."

Bree: "Oh, thank God!"

Vern: "Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in."

Gabrielle: "I have no idea where you're going with this."

Vern: "Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim."

Gabrielle: "Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?"

Vern: "Oh, I think you know."

Edie: "I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy."

Mike: "No, I didn't pick up on it."

Edie: "Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing."

Mike: "Wrench."

Edie: "Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast."

Mike: "What are you trying to say?"

Edie: "Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people."

Mike: "You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?"

Edie: "Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this."

Susan: "Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?"

Mike: "I doubt it. She dumped me today."

Susan: "What? Why?"

Mike: "Well, I was arrested for murder."

Susan: "Still. It's tacky."

Ian: "Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one."

Susan: "Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier soufflé."

Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?"

Susan: "Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself."

Susan: "What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?"

Lynette: Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"

Gabrielle: "I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?"

Bree: "They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence."

Susan: "Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?"

Susan: "If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk?"

Bree: "At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?"

Susan: "I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?"

Susan: "Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband."

Bree: "Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents."

Susan: "Fine. I'll cook myself."

Bree: "Good. Let me know if there are any survivors."

Susan: "And if you take Orson back, you do the same."

Gert: "Rita, I want the word "pedophile" to really stand out. Do we have any glitter?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Say "molester." It sounds scarier."

Gabrielle: "Well, she's your best friend. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand."

Sherri: "What if she doesn't?"

Gabrielle: "Well, friends come and go, but a crown is forever."

Susan: "You know, Mike barely remembers me. What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again?"

Ian: "What a perfectly asinine question. How could he not?"

Lynette: "Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to."

Tom: "This is all your fault. You should've listened to me."

Lynette: "I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this."

Tom: "You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?"

Gloria: "Where are you sending me?"

Bree: "Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you."

Gloria: "So you're exiling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?"

Bree: "That's our gift to them."

Art: "Hey. You know, in a weird way...I should thank you. My sister was...a really wonderful person. She always saw the best in me. But there were things she couldn't see...or chose not to, God love her."

Lynette: "What do you mean?"

Art: "I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you."

Lynette: "You can't stay here."

Art: "Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed."

Lynette: "Where are you going?"

Art: "Why, you gonna write? Well, good-bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours."

Mary Alice: "There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles."

No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds
[Lynette is giving dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over toward the TV with hers]

Lynette Scavo: Kayla, where are you going?

Kayla: To watch TV.

Lynette Scavo: Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner.

Kayla: But my show is on.

Lynette Scavo: Well, I'm sorry those are the rules.

Kayla: My mommy let me.

Lynette Scavo: Just this once.

Lynette Scavo: [the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his arms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.

Porter Scavo: But she's not sick.

Lynette Scavo: That's true, but she's sad. Parker Scavo: [cute or funny] I'm sad, I can't watch TV!

Lynette Scavo: Eat your tacos.

Lynette Scavo: [Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down.

Preston Scavo: It's not fair.

Lynette Scavo: I don't care, we have rules.

Porter Scavo: Well she gets to!

Lynette Scavo: She's special, now sit down! Come on. Porter Scavo: Does she get dessert too?

Kayla: Of course I do.

Lynette Scavo: [Tom pulls up in the van bringing Kayla to live with them] Ok, they're here, now listen, [to Parker]

Lynette Scavo: stand up. Kayla has been through a lot so when she walks through the door I want you to make her feel welcome, ok, give her a hug and be really nice.

Parker Scavo: I'm giving her my room, how much nicer do I have to be?

Lynette Scavo: Well nicer than that or she's gonna get all your toys too!

Not While I'm Around

 * Carlos: "Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? "
 * Gabrielle: "Nothing. Just having you helps."
 * Carlos: "Now that's very sweet."
 * Gabrielle: "Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape."

 * Austin: "That's your advice?"
 * Edie: "Well, I’m sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex."

 * Edie: "The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks."

 * Gabrielle: "Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes."
 * [Takes three pictures with her camera phone.]
 * Susan: "You are gonna make a really good mother someday."

 * (Susan and Gabrielle search for Julie's diary)
 * Susan: "Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress."

 * Susan (to Edie, about Julie): "Now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex. She's just a boob job away from being you!"

Come Play Wiz Me
[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra] Bree Van De Kamp: You raped my husband! Alma Hodge: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me. Bree Van De Kamp: Baby? Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now. Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this? [Bree decks Alma before she calls her house] Bree Van De Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um... [pause] Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

Share this quote

Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

Zack Young: You said I could kiss you! Gabrielle Solis: Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Parker Scavo: [Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Parker in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'? Lynette Scavo: Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this? Parker Scavo: I think you look good in everything! Lynette Scavo: Wow, you father's taught you well. Parker Scavo: What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me? Lynette Scavo: Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun? Parker Scavo: No. Do you have to go back to work? Lynette Scavo: Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal, we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon. Parker Scavo: Every hour counts. I miss you all day long. Lynette Scavo: [She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty? Parker Scavo: A little of both. Lynette Scavo: Yep, your father's taught you well. [He smiles at her].

God, That's Good
Mary Alice Opening: "It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience, but for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful, indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peak at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement. Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. But every rule ... has its exceptions."

Mary Alice: "When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power, as well."

Mary Alice: "Though reluctant at first, Carlos soon saw the wisdom in Edie's plan. Secret affairs are a lot like real estate. The three keys to success are ... Location ... Location ... Location."

Mary Alice Closing: "Power. It's the type of thing most people don't think about ... until it's taken away. Whether it's the political power of the many ... or a lover's influence over just one. We all want some sort of power in our lives. If only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel utterly powerless ... Well, it's a lot ... like being alone in the dark."

Lynette Scavo: [Lynette finds Parker staring into their freezer] Hi buddy, what'cha doing? Parker Scavo: Nothing.

Lynette Scavo: You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay? Parker Scavo: Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky? Karen McCluskey: [at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow. Lynette Scavo: Well Parker really wanted to come see you. Karen McCluskey: [pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where always my favorite. Parker Scavo: [quietly] I saw the man in your freezer. Karen McCluskey: [Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green jello? Lynette Scavo: Oh, sure. Karen McCluskey: OK, time for a little grown-up talk. [Lynette sees Parker sitting on the bed with Mrs. McClusky talking to him] Karen McCluskey: So can you understand now why I had to do what I did? [he nods] Karen McCluskey: And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom? [he nods again) Lynette Scavo: They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay. Karen McCluskey: Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a treat. [he smiles at her]

Gossip
Mary Alice Opening: "The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffeur who almost slammed a door on her fingers ... or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand ... or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion ... and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend. ... And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."

Mary Alice: "Gossip. For most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation. An exchange of semi-interesting titbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know. But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens. And that's when gossip stops being recreation, and becomes obsession."

Mary Alice: "And for the first time, Gabrielle was willing to let Carlos be with someone else ... because she knew he still belonged to her."

Mary Alice Closing: "Gossip. It's just a harmless form of recreation. It's careless talk that deals in polite fiction ... It's nasty speculation that's based on not-so-polite fact. How do we protect ourselves from the venomous sting of such idle gossip? The best way is to just tell the truth ... and wait for people to start talking about someone else."

Susan: "I wish she'd hurry. I'm terrified of snakes."

Lynette: "Yeah, I'm more terrified of Gaby."

Parker Scavo: [Parker sees kids painting 'witch' on Mrs. McCluskey's door] What's going on? Parker Scavo: [sees it] Hey don't do that!

Freddy: Why not?

Parker Scavo: Because she's not a witch!

Freddy: How do you know?

Parker Scavo: Cause she isn't! Don't be a jerk! [the kids start making fun of him] Parker Scavo: Shut up!

[a kid pushes him down] Karen McCluskey: Hey you boys, knock it off! Karen McCluskey: [puts her arm on Parker's shoulder] Parker I'm sorry. Are you all right? Parker Scavo: [He pulls his shoulder away] Ya know, everything would be okay if you told people what you told me. You can make them stop. [he walks off]

Karen McCluskey: [Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell] Waould ya stop ringing that damn... I'm sorry Parker, I thought you where one of those little pissheads that keeps ringing the doorbell and running away. What's on your mind?

Parker Scavo: I want you to come back and babysit us, the new sitter stinks!

Karen McCluskey: Your folks hired a new sitter?

Parker Scavo: Yeah, and she thinks carrots are snacks!

Karen McCluskey: Well that's rough. But life's like that sometimes.

Parker Scavo: It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was.

Karen McCluskey: Parker, see those women over there. Nothing I could say could stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry kid but I just have to wait this one out

Come Play Wiz Me

 * Susan (to Gabrielle): "Let's not pretend we're above teenagers."

 * Bree's mother-in-law: "Hello Bree. May I come in?"
 * Bree (watering garden): "What's a garden without a snake"

I Remember That

 * Lynette: "I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?"
 * Andrew: "Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge."

Orson Hodge: Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!...

The Little Things You Do Together

 * Lynette: "Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant."
 * Tom: "Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people."
 * Lynette: "Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again."
 * Lynette: "What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing."

Carlos Solis: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid! Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going? Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys!

Danielle Van De Kamp: [shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!

My Husband, the Pig

 * Tom: "I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."
 * Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

 * Karen McCluskey: "At least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. He died two weeks later. I didn't cry."

Dress Big

 * Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."

 * Edie (to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

 * Mary Alice (voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

Liaisons

 * Lynette: "That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."
 * Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."
 * Lynette: "Ok...My fault for asking."

 * Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids."
 * Karen McCluskey: "Can I beat them?"
 * Tom: "No."
 * Karen McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied."

 * Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
 * Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?"
 * Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"
 * Carlos: "Oh, come on!"
 * Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."
 * Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."
 * Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."
 * Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

God, That's Good
Mary Alice Opening: "It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience, but for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful, indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peak at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement. Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. But every rule ... has its exceptions."

Mary Alice: "When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power, as well."

Mary Alice: "Though reluctant at first, Carlos soon saw the wisdom in Edie's plan. Secret affairs are a lot like real estate. The three keys to success are ... Location ... Location ... Location"

Mary Alice Closing: "Power. It's the type of thing most people don't think about ... until it's taken away. Whether it's the political power of the many ... or a lover's influence over just one. We all want some sort of power in our lives. If only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel utterly powerless ... Well, it's a lot ... like being alone in the dark."

Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!"

 * Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot."
 * Victor: "Will you marry me?"
 * Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles."

 * Russell: "Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."
 * Edie: "Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi."

 * Susan (to Ian and Mike): "You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!"

Getting Married Today
[Susan and Mike are about to get married]

Minister: Are we ready?

Julie Meyer: Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years! Stella Wingfield: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here. Stella Wingfield: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me? Lynette Scavo: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.

Stella Wingfield: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.

[hands Parker a book]. Stella Wingfield: And for you and you.

[hands the twins books]. Parker Scavo: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.

Stella Wingfield: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.

Porter Scavo: We're eight. Stella Wingfield: What do I care?

Lynette Scavo: Just say thank you. [kids say 'thank you']. Stella Wingfield: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?

Parker Scavo: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!

Stella Wingfield: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...

Tom Scavo: OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Now You Know
Mary Alice's Opening Narration_ "The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die. But someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait for her beloved to come home. You see, to hold on to her man Edie knew she had to find the perfect moment to let go. Sadly for Edie her timing was fatally flawed. And this is now Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie. Of course had he known what she was about to do to his life he would have let her hang there. There is a certain time of night when children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. It might be an impromptu wedding... or a recently diagnosed tumor... or a make believe pregnancy. Regardless, it’s all they will think of until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets too".

Mary Alice's Narration Closing- "There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after kids have left for school. And husbands have headed off for work. It’s a time when women think of the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth were discovered. And how they would do everything in their power to keep that from happening. But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep. What do they think about every morning? These women think of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping".

Bree: Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Smiles of a Summer Night
Mary Alice Opening: "The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbecues upended, their clean laundry trampled, and their skateboards missing. Naturally, everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage? The answer lay in the home of a neighbor, who, 20 minutes earlier, had been engaging in an altogether different type of crime." ... And so ended the great crime wave on Wisteria Lane. No one ever found out who was responsible. Because, it was an inside job."

Mary Alice: "You will never see despair here or rage. You will never see the tiniest bit of regret. You see, the people who live here have learned there is one sure way of hiding their secrets from their neighbors. That's why, in the suburbs, there is nothing more decaptive than a smile."

Mary Alice: "Bree Hodge persisted in her effort to unlock the secret of Katherine Mayfair's lemon meringue. But after several failed attempts, it occured to Bree that while she might not have the key to Katherine's recipe, she did have the key to Katherine's house."

Mary Alice Closing: "There is nothing more decaptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine. It's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon be over."

The Game
Dylan: fighting with Katherine- I'm starting to think you are the monster! ( Katherine slaps her) Susan Meyer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...

Bree Van De Kamp: Dead? Lynette: who is high- I'm a ninja!

Art Isn’t Easy
Mary Alice Opening: "The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane to become art critics. ... Yes, art came to Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday morning. And by Tuesday afternoon war had come as well."

Mary Alice: "As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive. But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have was quickly washed away."

Mary Alice Closing: "It's the same for all of us. We try not to get too close to the people who live next door. It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong. It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved. True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with, and end up lifelong friends. But mostly, we keep our distance. Because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us than know too much."

Danielle to Bree: “A baby is God’s most precious gift. I will not have mine raised by a cold emotionally unavailable woman like you.”

Bree to Orson hinting at her former mother-in-law Phyllis: “Emotionally unavailable. – Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase.”

Danielle to Bree: “You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you’re not gonna emasculate me.”

Bree: “You don’t even know what that means, you petulant sockpuppet"

Now I Know, Don't Be Scared

 * Bree: "Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"
 * Orson: "Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."
 * Bree: "You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"
 * Orson: "Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."
 * Bree: "A what?"
 * Orson: "Ambulance."
 * Bree: "How many rum punches did you have?"
 * Orson: "There was punch in that rum?"

 * Parker Scavo: MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.
 * Lynette Scavo: Great! Grab this. [hands him a sack of rodent poison]
 * Parker Scavo: What's this stuff for?
 * Lynette Scavo: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
 * Parker Scavo: [Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!
 * Lynette Scavo: Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.
 * Parker Scavo: [concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?
 * Lynette Scavo: Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.
 * Parker Scavo: So you're gonna kill him?
 * Lynette Scavo: Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?
 * Parker Scavo: Scruffles!
 * Lynette Scavo: Ok, we're done talkin' here. [she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

 * Tom Scavo: Ok, now you're scaring me.
 * Lynette Scavo: Why?
 * Tom Scavo: Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.
 * Lynette Scavo: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!
 * Tom Scavo: OK. You do what you need to do.
 * Lynette Scavo: Thank you.

Something's Coming

 * Gabrielle: "Can I say something?"
 * Edie: "What?"
 * Gabrielle: "I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."
 * Edie: "Why are you talking like that?"
 * Gabrielle: "Well, I thought just in case we..."
 * Edie: "Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."
 * Gabrielle: "Do you really hate me?"
 * Edie: "Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."
 * (Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly)
 * Gabrielle: "Well, I'm still sorry, though."
 * Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up."

 * Carlos: "Do you mind if I say something?"
 * Victor: "Please."
 * Carlos: "Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."
 * Victor: "Are you done?"
 * Carlos: "Yeah."

Welcome to Kanagawa

 * Milton: "You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing."
 * Gabrielle: "OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.".                                                                                :Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.".
 * Gabrielle: "Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!"
 * Milton: "I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances."
 * Gabrielle: "Go to hell.".
 * Milton: "I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.".                                                                                Katherine: "What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room".

Adam: "I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you". Katherine: "Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me". Adam: "I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win". Lynette: "Damnnit, Karen, I'm running out of Ida!

Sunday
Bree: Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual! Carlos Solis: It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond. Gabrielle Solis: Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off.

Mike Delfino: [to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over?

Opening Doors

 * Gabrielle (to Ellie): "Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!"

 * Ellie Leonard: Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.
 * Gabrielle: Yeah, come on in.

 * Carlos: [to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.
 * Gabrielle: [to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

 * Gabrielle: [about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.

 * Edie: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.
 * Bree: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Mother Said

 * Susan: "We're not inviting you to poker, we're not talking to you, we're not even gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible" (Talking to Edie)

The Gun Song

 * Lynette: I'm in jail 'cause of Kayla, your daughter, Tom!

 * Mike Delfino: You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?
 * Susan Delfino: A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?
 * Mike Delfino: What?
 * Susan Delfino: I'm not in labor, ok?
 * Mike Delfino: But y-your water broke. I saw it!
 * Susan: It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

 * [The children sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]
 * Parker, Preston, and Porter Scavo: Happy Mother's Day!
 * Lynette Scavo: Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you.
 * [Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it]
 * Parker Scavo: We're gonna go get your present.
 * Porter Scavo: I hope you like turtles!

 * Lynette: Kayla, I'm really sorry about the way things turned out.
 * Kayla Huntington: No, you aren't.
 * Lynette: Okay! I'm not.

 * Bree: Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!

 * Parker Scavo: Since when do you make waffles?
 * Lynette: Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

 * Susan (about her baby's name): Mike insisted that we name him after his dead grandfather.
 * Lynette: How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?
 * Susan: I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.
 * Bree: Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.
 * Susan: I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.
 * Bree: Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.
 * Gabrielle: Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?
 * Lynette: I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."
 * Gabrielle: So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

Free
Katherine: (telling her story to Bree and Wayne) After you left a month ago, I convinced myself you forgot about us. I was wrong.

Katherine (in 1996): How was Dylan? Did she behave herself?

Mary Alice: She was an angel. I hope I didn't do something wrong.

Katherine: What do you mean?

Mary Alice: Well, your ex-husband was here earlier, but I didn't know that was him until Dylan called him Daddy. I'm sorry I should have called you, but she was so excited. He brought her a doll and a bike. (Katherine and Lily run out of the room.) Katherine, what going on?

Katherine: (voice over) I was going to run again, but you didn't give me enough time. Lillian Simms: Wayne just drove up! Should we call the police? Katherine: (calmly) No, let him in.

Katherine: (voiceover): I knew it was time to face you and let you know you were not welcome in my home, and neither were your gifts. Wayne Davis: You Know much I much money I spent looking for you?

Katherine: I'm sure you had enough to buy liquor by the caseload.

Wayne Davis: Wow, look who gotten sassier while she's been away. I think I think I like it.

Katherine: What do you want, Wayne?

Wayne Davis: I want my daughter back.

Katherine: Why? So you lazed in your old age? Need somebody smaller to pounce on? Well, now she's gotten older and sassier. I'm sure you'll find all sorts of reasons to hit her.

Wayne Davis: I don't have to ask you! You know I can go up if I want.

Katherine: She is asleep! GET THE HELL OUT! Wayne Davis: I'M HER FATHER!

Katherine: (picks up an candlestick and hits him) NO!

Wayne Davis: I'm bleeding!

Katherine: Profusely. You should go see a doctor.

Wayne Davis: I will be back for my daughter. Katherine: Just understand this. There is nothing I will not do to keep you away from her. Nothing.

Lillian Simms: Are you all right? I heard an crash!

Katherine: Yeah, I hit him with the candlestick. He went down pretty hard.

Lillian Simms: You know now to break out the 10 year scotch I've been saving.

Katherine (voiceover): I honestly thought it was finally over. I don't know how I could been so wrong.

Lillian Simms: (screams and wake up Katherine) KATHERINE! I came in to give her an another blanket. Her hand is ice cold!

(Katherine sees her daughter's lifeless hand and screams)

Katherine (voiceover): Aunt Lily told me I could not go the police the police. She said you would make it seem I killed Dylan to keep you from taking her so I let her bury my baby in the woods. I knew I would have to run away again, but I also knew you would never stop looking for me. So I came with an plan. I found an girl in a Romanian orphanage just like Dylan. The resemblance was uncanny. Her mother had died in childbirth and her father had been murdered. As I looked into those big blue eyes, she needed me much as I needed her.

Katherine (picking the carpet and touching the scar): I never told anybody that before. I lied to Adam and told it was your fault and that's where I spend the last 12 years. Just telling one lie after another.

Carlos (now blind): I'm going to read some porn. In Braille.

You're Gonna Love Tomorrow
Edie Britt: Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive! Karen McCluskey: It's nice to see you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years?

Edie Britt: This is my husband, Dave Williams.

Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?

Dave: I'm sorry, who are you?

Karen McCluskey: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street.

Mary Alice Young: [voice-over] It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever and we're left to ask ourselves: How could he have left me? When did my beauty start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mother I could have been? Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want... before it's too late.

Mary Alice Young: [voice-over] It will happen to all of us eventually. The moment will come when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror become someone I don't even recognize?

Photographer: No! For God sakes.

Bree Hodge: What's wrong now?

Photographer: Once again, the concept is, sweetie, you're taking the pie out of the oven, your face aglow with surprise.

Bree Hodge: Why am I surprised?

Photographer: Because it turned out so perfectly.

Bree Hodge: That's no surprise. My pies are always perfect.

Photographer: All right. It's your best pie ever. You've topped yourself.

Bree Hodge: And I know this before I've tasted it?

Photographer: Sweetie, just make whatever face you want. I just think you'll sell more cookbooks if you don't look like you just made love to an ice cube.

We're So Happy You're So Happy
[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom'] [He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed] Lynette Scavo: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you? [He ignores her] Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we were talking again and you where telling me things. Porter Scavo: I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her. Lynette Scavo: Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them. [She walks off] Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too.

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them] Lynette Scavo: Hey, got a sec? Porter Scavo: Not really. Lynette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado? Porter Scavo: I guess. Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?

Porter Scavo: He's not my friend.

Lynette Scavo: What are you talking about? You were on the same little league team.

Porter Scavo: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?

Lynette Scavo: No, not really.

Tom Scavo: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?

Lynette Scavo: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.

Tom Scavo: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?

Lynette Scavo: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.

Tom Scavo: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!

Lynette Scavo: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means. Tom Scavo: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?

Lynette Scavo: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.

Tom Scavo: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.

Lynette Scavo: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry? Tom Scavo: Seriously?

Lynette Scavo: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else
Danielle: (to Bree about Benjamin) You gave him meat and told him to lie?!!

Gabrielle Solis: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age? Susan Meyer: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Gabrielle Solis: Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down. Susan Meyer: Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass. Gabrielle Solis: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad. Susan Meyer: Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Gabrielle Solis: [to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot. Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar. Gabrielle Solis: What jar? Andrew Van De Kamp: It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible. Gabrielle Solis: I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!

Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you? Susan Meyer: I brought booze. Gabrielle Solis: Come on in.

Dave Williams: [to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?

Lynette Scavo: I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

Back in Business
Carlos Solis: Why don't we just tell her the truth?

Gabrielle Solis: What: Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry?

Celia Solis: Sperm!

Gabrielle Solis: Juanita, stop talking to your sister!

Mirror, Mirror
Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] Stop screwing with me!

Karen McCluskey: You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave Williams: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you. Karen McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful. Dave Williams: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself, Karen. I mean that.

There's Always a Woman
Orson Hodge: They got him for organ trafficking. Bree Hodge: What?

Katherine Mayfair: I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart. Bree Hodge: Well if he tries you let me know.

Me and My Town
Carlos Solis: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you? Gabrielle Solis: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street. Gabrielle Solis: Mmm. I remember that place. Carlos Solis: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks. Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever? Carlos Solis: No. When? Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago. [kisses Carlos] Gabrielle Solis: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

Susan Meyer: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

A Vision's Just a Vision
[Lynette decides to have a family breakfast] Lynette Scavo: So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on? [Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter.]

Parker Scavo: Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh?

Lynette Scavo: Yes, sweetie, we are.

Home is the Place
Susan: I need a man in my life! Lee McDermott: Why? We're so useless.

Susan: I need a man in my life! Bob Hunter: Why? We're so useless.

In a World Where the Kings are Employers
Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.

Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.

Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.

Parker Scavo:Wow!

Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay? Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive. Are you with me?

[They all nod.]

Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here. Penny Scavo: I love you, Daddy!

Lynette Scavo: Not yet.

Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.

Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you.

Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!

Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?

Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.

'Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.

Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together,

Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together.

Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us?

Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal?

Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!

Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something.  Tom: You said that you were behind me 100 percent.

Lynette: Really? That does not sound like me. Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and Dad old and feeble--

Lynette: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find. Yeah, I got it.

[The twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in.] Lynette Scavo: What's going on here?

Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.

Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.

Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron.

Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. [Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up.]

Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?

Tom Scavo: I will. [They all look shocked.]

Orson: You're saying I'm worthless.

Bree: No, I'm just sayin you're worth less.

The Story of Lucie and Jessie
Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie meant by it, why don't you just talk to her? Susan Meyer: Oh, that would be way too awkward. She's my boss. Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her! Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut? Susan Meyer: I don't know. Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? Susan Meyer: I don't remember. Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this? [Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips] Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this? [Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds] Susan Meyer: Uh... the second one. Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.

Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade.

A Spark. To Pierce the Dark
Karl: (to Susan) You know, this is typical Susan behavior! And you wonder why no man can stay with you!

Look Into Their Eyes and See What They Know
Susan: [to a dying Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.

Edie Britt: Susan Meyer, wrong again!

Gabrielle Solis: Ladies, start your blenders.

Edie Britt: [Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived.

Marry Me a Little
Immigration Man: Jackson Braddock?

Jackson: Yes?

Immigration Man: We're with immigration. You're in the country on an expired visa. You're gonna have to come with us.

Susan: Oh, no, no, no, no. Y-you can't take him now!

Immigration Man: Ma'am, not now. I need you to step back.

Jackson: Susan, there's a business card on the dresser with an attorney's number. Could you call him for me, please?

Susan: Please, can't this wait? We're about to get married!

Immigration Man: Not today, you're not.

Mike: "What's goin' on? Who are these guys?"

Katherine: Uh, immigration agents, and I think they're sending Jackson back to Canada!

Bree: Orson, we've been robbed! Orson Hodge: It wasn't me, I swear.

If It's Only In Your Head
[Tom gets into college] Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want. Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston Scavo I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin. Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter, aren't you gonna congratulate your father? Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

[Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs]

Porter Scavo: We finished upstairs, Ana! Preston Scavo: Anything else you need done? Ana Solis: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet! Parker Scavo: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.

Gabrielle Solis: Okay boys, thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one. Ana Solis: Bye Preston! Porter Scavo: I'm Porter.

Preston Scavo: I'm Preston. Parker Scavo: Oh, you can call me whatever you want!

Nice is Different Than Good
(Karl lies down on bed and Bree looks shocked.)

Karl: What?

Bree: This is not what I was expecting!

Karl(looks down at abdomen): Yeah, I think I look pretty good for my age.

Everybody Ought to Have a Maid
Katherine: Well, if you two are so happy, then where did he just disappear to?

 Susan (exclaims in exasperation): He's snaking a lady's drain, okay?

(Everybody look strangly at her)

Susan: And, yes, I realise how that sounded. Get your minds put of the gutter.

Susan just shot Katherine.

Katherine: (exclaims angrily) You're going to jail for this! Everyone heard you, ow, threaten me at that meeting. I have witnesses.

Susan: Oh, please, if I were gonna kill you, I wouldn't do it in my own front yard. I'd sneak into your house and shoot you while you were asleep.

(Bree gives her a dirty look.)

Susan: Not that I would ever do that.

The Coffee Cup
Mike Delfino: [to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

Boom Crunch
Karl: [to Orson Hodge] I am proposing to Bree today with an airplane banner! And trust me, that will be the highlight of your day!

If
Patrick Scavo: When I was born the doctors told my parents I wouldn't live through the night, then the week. What I'm trying to say is I really piss my doctors off.

Lovely
Bree: What you doing? Robin Gallagher: Making you my screensaver. Bree: Oh, that's sweet. Robin Gallagher: You're replacing my cat, he's eating noodles.

Susan Meyer: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough. Robin Gallagher: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now. Susan Meyer: Oh. Robin Gallagher: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore.

Chromolume No. 7
Heidi Klum: [to Gabrielle] Screw you, screw your friend, and screw Fairview!

My Two Yong Men
Katherine: (to Robin) Just because I enjoy having sex with you doesn't make me a lesbian!

Iris Beckley: [Both sitting down in Iris's living room, having coffee] I'm sorry I couldn't get an address or anything.

Patrick Logan: You got me everything I needed. Iris Beckley: Good. So... then I guess...?

Patrick Logan: Ah! Of course. [hands her an envelope full of money]

Iris Beckley: I know you've been looking for Angie for a long time but there's not gonna be any trouble, right?

Patrick Logan: Trouble? Iris Beckley: Well, you're not gonna like, hurt her or anything? Patrick Logan: She took something of mine. I want it back.

Iris Beckley: Okay. It's just I like Rose and I don't ever want to hear that something bad happened to her kid.

Patrick Logan: You should get that money to the bank. This place doesn't seem very safe to me.

Iris Beckley: What are you talking about? Look at all those locks.

Patrick Logan: Yeah, but what if someone were to come up this fire escape?

Iris Beckley: Oh, that window is always locked.

Patrick Logan: You think that's gonna stop them? [Opens the window and wraps his scarf around his hand, leans through and punches the other window]

Iris Beckley: [Startled] What are you doing?

Patrick Logan: They reach through, unlock the window, and now you're in trouble. [He tightens the scarf in his hands.]

Epiphany
Mary Alice: (closing narrative) Monsters create other monsters.

I Guess This is Goodbye
Danny: If I am, it's because you were my father.

Remember Paul?
Renee Perry: (to Lynette) It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team.

You Must Meet My Wife
Bree: (explaining her bad luck with love) My marriage ended six days ago, Keith is 15 years too young for me and my track record with lovers...two dead, one in a wheelchair.

Truly Content
Renee- So we both need guys, I'm thinking we should hang. Renee- Well, a beautiful, classy woman who can get a man without leaving the house...I don't see us being friends. Renee to Bree- "We gotta get back in the game. Cut loose. Let our hair down. That hair does come down, doesn't it?"

Excited and Scared
Susan: You know what, I'm glad I didn't let Mike do this because I'm really enjoying it.

Bree: Nine years ago my son found me face down, drunk. He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview? Do you think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem?

Carlos: We have to protect our daughter.

Gaby: They're both our daughters.

Tom: There's nothing wrong with my mother, so just drop it.

Susan: Oh, and enjoy those raisin muffins. I hope they're all raisins - my apartment has rats.

Sorry Grateful
Susan: You have the kids' table in your driveway.

Renee: The police made me move it off the street.

Lynette: (turns off the football game Preston and Porter are watching) Boys, watch the game upstairs while I have little chat with Susan.

Porter: When did Susan get here?

Preston: Beats Me.

Flashback

 * Lynette: [after Frank dies] I didn’t want Frank in my house when he was alive. Now you want me to hang out with his corpse?

Farewell Letter

 * Mary Alice: (opening scene about Lynette) Lynette Scavo had lost a lot of sleep over the years. There had been 3 AM feedings... temperatures of 102... and late night pillow fights. But Lynette had never complained, because a mother is always on call.
 * Lynette: (while speaking to Mrs. Mcluskey) The whole point of this was to get them to grow up and take care of themselves; they just moved from my boob to yours!
 * Karen: I don't care what gets Roy's fire going, as long as I'm the one who puts it out.
 * Sister Marta: You had a big imagination, most likely from all those trashy books and magazines you used to bring into class.
 * The Twins: Can we get our security deposit back?

 * Gabrielle: I'd say avoid math and science. They cause serious frown lines. Young girls today need to know the dangers of long division.
 * Susan: She used to be married to a Yankee, okay? We're screwed.

Everything's Different, Nothing's Changed

 * Susan: Oh, why shouldn't I do it?
 * Renee: Because you'll be forever connected to him. You'll never get rid of him.
 * Lee: And I have a feeling that's not the only organ he wants to share with you.

Moments in the Woods

 * Lynette: Guys, you need to grow up and learn to be independent and that's gonna start with you getting your own place!
 * Porter: And how are we gonna pay for it?
 * Tom: If you turn that paper over, you'll find a whole section of people willing to exchange money for something called WORK!

The Lies Ill-Concealed

 * Mrs Mcluskey: You're going to get tested?
 * Mr Mcluskey: (Folding his shirt sleeves...) No. I think I can take Gabby!

I'll Swallow Poison on Sunday

 * Lynette: Because. That's not Tom. He's definitely a soft wood kinda guy.
 * Renee: Lesson one, Tom is our client. If he wants a big shot office, he gets it. And lesson two, no man wants to be referred to as 'soft wood'!

 * Renee: Yeah, Lynette, you did a great job ignoring what he asked for. All that's missing is an antique jar for Tom to put his testicles in.

 * Gabby: So what did you do?
 * Lee: I guess I outgrew them.
 * Gabby: You did. Juanita, come here!
 * Lee: What are you doing?
 * Gabby: I figured you could talk to her. You know give her one of those 'It gets better' speeches you gays love so much.

 * Lee: Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you've had the best sex of your life. ... you have had sex?
 * Bree: He said he wanted to wait.
 * Gabby: Okay I'm calling it. Time of gay, 11.21.

And Lots of Security...!

 * Gabrielle: You cheated on Rex?!?!?!?!
 * Bree: Of course not!!!! What do you take me for?!?! I cheated on Orson!!!!

Cast
Main
 * Teri Hatcher - Susan Delfino
 * Felicity Huffman - Lynette Scavo
 * Marcia Cross - Bree Van de Kamp
 * Eva Longoria Parker - Gabrielle Solis
 * Nicollette Sheridan - Edie Britt (Seasons 1-5)
 * Dana Delany - Katherine Mayfair (Seasons 4-6, Guest Star Season 8)
 * Drea de Matteo - Angie Bolen (Season 6)
 * Vanessa Williams - Renee Perry (Seasons 7-8)
 * Brenda Strong - Mary Alice Young (narrator)

title: Desperate Housewives