text:
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls is a 1995 Warner Bros. comedy film about Detective Ace Ventura, who specializes in cases involving animals. It is the sequel to the 1994 film Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
 * Directed by Steve Oedekerk. Written by Jack Bernstein and Steve Oedekerk. It was shot in South Carolina, Texas and British Columbia, Canada.

Dialogue

 * Ace Ventura: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
 * Abbott: Oh, here. [gives Ace his own]
 * Ace Ventura: [shocked] This took you eighty years to achieve!!!
 * Abbott: That's okay, I don't like it anymore. Really.
 * Ace Ventura: In light of this personal sacrifice you've made... I have no choice... but to take the case.
 * Abbott: Great! I'll go tell the others.
 * Ace Ventura: Master! ... Break it to them gently.
 * [Moments later some monks pop open a glass bottle of champagne and pour it in glasses. As Ace and Fulton are leaving, they see the monks dancing in jubilation, a roll of toilet paper is thrown and a monk is seen running naked as they head outside and the doors to the temple close]
 * Ace Ventura: I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

 * [with Greenwall at top of the huge stairs leading to a temple]
 * Ace Ventura: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
 * [close-up of slinky going down huge steps to temple]
 * Ace Ventura: Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! [singing] Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go Slinky go! [Slinky stops on the second to last step] Awwwwww, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?
 * Fulton Greenwall: Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.
 * Ace Ventura: Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

 * [at a diplomatic function inside the British consulate in Nibia, after noticing a woman wearing a fox fur wrap]
 * Ace Ventura: [leaning at the bottom of the staircase] That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!
 * The Monopoly Guy: Who is this ghastly man?
 * Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy! Hey...[whispering] thanks for the free parking.
 * Pompous woman: Another activist, McGuire.
 * The Monopoly Guy: Activist, yes... [snobby laugh]
 * Ace: [imitating him] Activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!
 * Pompous Woman: Mr. Ventura, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.
 * Ace: Alrighty then! [smacks the "Monopoly Guy" in the face which knocks him unconscious, then drapes him over his shoulders, in mockery of the woman's fur wrap] You know something? You're right! [sings and dance exotically around the room, then shakes the man, making his jaw move] Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 dollars! [hands him back to the woman] It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn.

 * Ace Ventura: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.
 * Ouda: It's made from guano.
 * Ace Ventura: Guano. Sounds so familiar. [starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
 * Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.
 * [Ace drops the bowl spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
 * Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.
 * Ace Ventura: ... Yummy!

 * Ace Ventura: [inspects the Great White Bat's sacred hut upon entering] Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel. [starts to climb up on the altar, but quickly jumps off as the Chief shouts at him]
 * Fulton Greenwall: Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground, I'm sorry. But only the Wachati are allowed to step there.
 * Ace Ventura: [noticing the Chief has a dagger to his throat] Hey. Take it easy. I'm the loogie guy, remember? [the Chief puts his weapon away and turns to talk to Fulton; Ace prances about on the altar while the Chief isn't looking]
 * Fulton Greenwall: Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. [to Ace] The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death!
 * Ace Ventura: What type of bat are we talking about here?
 * Fulton Greenwall: The great white bat, of course.
 * Ace Ventura: Crepuscular chiroptera?!
 * Fulton Greenwall: Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
 * [Natives kneel in respect of the name every time it is mentioned; Ace takes notice of this]
 * Ace Ventura: Shikaka? [they kneel again] Shikaka! [they kneel once more; Ace chuckles deviously] Shikasha! [the chief begins to kneel but catches on that he didn't say the name right] Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! [Chief kneels] You're outta there! [points outside] Go on, you're gone, go on. [the Chief leaves the hut]

 * [Ace has been caught spying on the Wachootoo and tries to explain himself through Ouda]
 * Ace Ventura: Tell them what I'm saying. [faces the Wachootoo] I come in peace!
 * Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo] White Devil say, "I will harm you." [The Wachootoo look suspicious]
 * Ace: [to Ouda] I couldn't help but notice the "equinsu ocha" part. Did you just refer to me as "White Devil"?
 * Ouda: This how they know you.
 * Ace: Leave that part out from now on! [to Wachootoo] I represent the princess!
 * Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo] "I am a Princess." [tribesmen look confused; one young man eyes Ace with interest]
 * Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight!
 * Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo] "I want to fight, so go to hell." [The Wachootoo roar in anger; the Chief speaks to Ace] The chief said, "If you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die."
 * Ace: [observes the Wachootoo for a moment] Kooky!

 * [Ace is pontificating about the Shikaka abduction and any motives]
 * Ace Ventura: Think! Someone wants these two tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike. For it is said that when seeking answers, one must quiet the soul in order to hear them. [sits down crosslegged] What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men - besides the princess with the amazing rack? All righty, then. [meditates and recites "All righty then" in trance to communicate with his master at the Ashram monastery]
 * Monk: [sees Ace's spirit] Oh Ace. You're back?
 * Ace: You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one. I'm here on business, and time is of the essence.
 * Monk: Very well. What answer do you seek?
 * Ace: I need to know what it is the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.
 * Monk: The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?
 * Ace: Medallion? Why... surely! I left it back, uhh, with my body.
 * Monk: Your aura is weakening.
 * Ace: OKAY, I THREW IT IN A CAVE! What do you want from me?! What are you? Mr. Perfect?! You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a BIG PILE of... [suddenly realizes the answer; the Monk smiles and nods in assent at him; Ace opens his eyes] Guano! They have guano!

 * [Having discovered Cadby's scheme, Ace enters the British Consulate to confront him. As he enters the main room, he stamps his foot on the floor to get Cadby's attention]
 * Vincent Cadby: Hello, Ace. You want your money?
 * Ace Ventura: Wrong again, Sweeney Toad! I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?!
 * Vincent Cadby: Please. Whatever can you mean?
 * Ace Ventura: Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? [takes out a book and reads from it] "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." [closes the book] THAT's what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it!
 * Fulton Greenwall: But sir, I thought that...
 * Vincent Cadby: [quietly] Yes, thank you, Fulton... [back to Ace] That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?
 * Ace Ventura: I thought you'd never ask! [sucks in air, then starts talking rapidly] The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the great white bat has great white guano! That ' s what you stepped in, that ' s what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya. [steps back while talking backwards, as if on a tape being rewound] That ' s what you stepped in, that ' s what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion ON YOUR PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD! [does pelvic thrusts] Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! The day of redemption is at hand!!! REPENT... And thou shall be saved.

 * [The Wachati Princess and the tiny Wachootoo warrior get married and enter a special tent to consummate their union]
 * Fulton Greenwall: They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. [gently pats Ace on the shoulder] Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.
 * Ace Ventura: Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. [suddenly sees Wachootoo warrior emerge from tent screaming angrily] What's that he's saying?
 * Fulton Greenwall: I think he's saying she's not a virgin. [looks pointedly at Ace]
 * Ace Ventura: ... They can tell that?!
 * [both Wachati and Wachootoo chase Ace through the jungle]

Taglines

 * Most people wouldn't last one minute in the real wild nature. Ace Ventura, not even a second.
 * New Animals. New Adventures. Same Hair.
 * The great plains of Africa, the cradle of civilization. A place where there exists a balance between nature and man. So ancient, so sacred, no man would dare to disturb it. No man but Ace Ventura.

Cast

 * Jim Carrey- Ace Ventura
 * Ian McNeice- Fulton Greenwall
 * Simon Callow- Vincent Cadby
 * Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje- Hitu
 * Bob Gunton- Burton Quinn
 * Maynard Eziashi - Ouda
 * Sophie Okonedo- The Wachati Princess
 * Tommy Davidson- The Tiny Warrior
 * Sam Motoana Phillips - Wachootoo Chief
 * Arsenio 'Sonny' Trinidad- Ashram Monk

title: Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls


text:
Help! (film)

Help! is the title of a 1965 film starring The Beatles.

In the film, Ringo is wearing a sacrificial ring that won't come off of his finger. The cult that the ring belongs to chases Ringo and the other Beatles from Britain, to the Alps, to the Bahamas, trying the whole way to sacrifice Ringo to their god.

 * Written by Marc Behm and Charles Wood. Directed by Richard Lester.

Stop worrying! HELP! is on the way!

Ringo Starr

 * [At the man standing on his head] Is it nasty this ring?
 * I like operations. They give you a sense of outlook, don't they?
 * Get sacrificed! I don't subscribe to your religion!
 * They have to paint me red before they chop me. It's a different religion than ours...I think.
 * (regarding a broken ladder) All the rungs have been neatly sawed in the middle!
 * [on the phone] Hello, this is the famous Ringo.

George Harrison

 * [After seeing a smoking curling stone] Hey, it's a thingy! A fiendish thingy!
 * Doesn't the Eastern flavour come rather expensive?

John Lennon

 * Jeweller, you've failed!
 * Scientist! You've failed Scientist!
 * [Watching a man standing on his head] Doesn't the blood rush to your head, sir?
 * Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways!

Paul McCartney

 * My skin's soaked right through to the skin!
 * Ew, I'm all sticky! You're all red.
 * [Watching a belly dancer] Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?

Dialogue

 * George: Hey, there might be some insurance!
 * John: I wouldn't think of such a thing! [under his breath] Find out, eh?

 * Ringo: There's more here than meets the eye!
 * Sub-text reads' "Everyone laughs at Ringo's sudden apprehension."
 * George: Ho ho!
 * John: Ho.
 * George: Ho ho.
 * John: Ho.
 * [Continues on]

 * Ringo: [Points at red blob on his shoe] We thought that was you.
 * Paul: No, that's not me.

 * [John recites a poem from In His Own Write as Ringo's arm is trapped inside a mailbox]
 * John: What are you doing?
 * Ringo: Posting a letter.

 * John: How do you feel?
 * Ringo: I used to use me hands.
 * John: He used to use his hands.

 * Superindendent Gluck: And so this is the famous Beatles.
 * [Beatles nod and smile]
 * Superintendent: And how far do you think you'll get?
 * John: Can't say fairer than that. Great Train Robbery, how's that going, eh?

 * Superintendent: Allow me, I'm a bit of a famous mimic in my own small way you know. James Cagney... [imitating Ringo on the phone] Hey, this is the famous Ringo here, gear fab...
 * George: Not a bit like Cagney.

 * Paul: [To washerwoman] Do you know Clang?
 * Washerwoman: I'm his mother, and he's a good boy!

 * [At Scotland Yard]
 * John: Hold on, it's them! Only me and Paul know we're here.
 * George: I know we're here.

 * George: Hey, you're all red again.
 * Ringo: I know, I'm beginning to like it!

 * [John is having a bowl of soup]
 * John: What's this? [Pulling out a slip of paper]
 * Ringo: It's a season ticket. What did you think?
 * John: Oh, I like a lot of seasoning in my soup.

 * Ringo: What was it that first attracted you to me?
 * John: Well, you're very polite, aren't you?

 * Ringo: The fire brigade once got my head out of some railings.
 * John: Did you want them to?
 * Ringo: No. I used to put it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Help! (film)


text:
Greg the Bunny

Greg the Bunny (2002-2005) is an American sitcom, airing on the Fox Network, about a squeaky-voiced rabbit puppet, who longs to live the high life -- one where he's got a job or something -- and his best friend and roommate, Jimmy Bender, who is a slacker -- not to mention a human.

Unaired Pilot

 * Gil: Look who it is. Mr. Brando. Welcome. Okay, you know what, fellas? You got a great appreciation for comedy. I got a joke for you. What do you get when you cross a half-wit bunny with a big disappointment?
 * Jimmy: What?
 * Gil: Out. That's what you get. You get out. You're fired.

 * Jimmy: Look, Greg, we had a deal. You support us while I finish medical school.
 * Greg: Oh, Jimmy, please. "Medical School" is a ridiculous name for a comic book.
 * Jimmy: It's a graphic novel. This is serious literature. See, the kid, and he breaks his arm, and the evil doctors come, and, "Where are you taking me?" "We're taking you to Medical School!"
 * Greg: Oh, Jesus, we're gonna starve.

Welcome to Sweetknuckle Junction [1.1]

 * Greg: So, puppets and humans may seem different, but, you know, in the end, we all want the same things. Love, acceptance, and... to luck our way into a cushy job that we really don't deserve.

 * Greg: Jimmy, you know how hard it is for me to get a job out there. I am sick of working one day a year on Easter.

 * Greg: Hey, Jimmy. Didja see what's on TV?
 * Jimmy: What?
 * Greg: Not me!

 * Gil: Alright, let me tell you something about television. I vouched for him to the network! Okay? I expressed an opinion! That's the kind of thing that ends careers in this business.

 * Greg: Sorry. It's just that, I mean, I--I love you! I--I've seen everything you've ever done! "Godspell," um, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat"...
 * Warren: Yes, well, if it was lame and about Jesus, I was there.

 * Greg: Wow. Count Blah, can I just say that you scared the piss out of me. And I mean that from the heart, sir.
 * Blah: Please. You may call me Blah, blah.
 * Greg: Okay. Blah Blah.
 * Blah: No. Just Blah... blah.
 * Greg: Just... Blah Blah.
 * Blah: Blah! My boy, it is simple. Just Blah... blah.
 * Greg: Just Blah... Blah.
 * Blah: Look, don't turn this into a frickin' Abbott and Costello routine, okay? Just call me Blah, and leave it at that.

 * Greg: [singing] Snowball, snowball, what do you do with snowfall? You ball it up, and make it stick, and then you hurl it like a brick. Snowball, you are my best friend. Snowball, your love never ends. Whether you are white or yellow, you are sure my favorite fellow. Snowball, I'm in love with you. Snowball, you complete me. Snowball, you make me rock my world.
 * Alison: You're right. He's cute. He's quick. He does improv. He's like Robin Williams.
 * Gil: Yeah. Only not as furry.

 * Gil: Yes, Warren. Uh, we're having a little casting session in here. We're, uh, thinking of making a small cast change.
 * Warren: You spotty bastard! I give you the best years of my life, and this is how you repay me? Well, the joke's on you, you godless bloodsucker! I am an actor. Hmm-mm. Yes, I have range. And I don't need your insipid, little morbid show!
 * Gil: I just want you to read with the other actors, Warren. We're replacing Rochester.
 * Warren: Oh. Well, apparently, you do read the suggestion box.

 * Alison: I know that. I know that. I'm as sentimental as the next person, Gil. Trust me, I'm so sentimental. But his--his fur is thinning, and his ears are drooping, and it's gross. We--we need to find the next Elmo if we're gonna reach a younger audience.
 * Gil: A younger audience? We already reach 4-year-olds. How young do you wanna go? Fetal?

 * Gil: Guys, guys, can we just try and get this right, because the new boss from the network is here.
 * Dottie: Where'd she come from?
 * Gil: PBS.
 * Blah: Looks more like PMS, blah.

 * Gil: The, uh, the line, Rochester, is, "Can static electricity be used to light up a Christmas tree?"
 * Rochester: Yeah, well, the only thing that's lit up is Warren.

 * Gil: Alright. Alright. Send your friend in, I'll see what I can do. But, Jimmy, I'm really worried about you, son. You know, I just read this article about children of highly successful fathers. And these kids, they sabotage their own futures, 'cause they can't compete with their father's, you know, brilliant accomplishments.
 * Jimmy: You babysit actors on some lame kiddie show.

 * Greg: Fact: There are 3.2 million puppets -- or as we prefer to be called, Fabricated Americans -- currently residing in the United States. And, despite all of our many accomplishments, most people would still rather chamois their car with us than have us date their daughters. But, you know, I don't let it get me down. Hey, after all, you know, some of my best friends are humans.

 * Greg: Yeah, well, at least you have a job. It is impossible for a puppet to find work out there.
 * Jimmy: Well, they're hiring at the arcade.
 * Greg: Yeah. Dollar fifty an hour to be a whack-a-mole. I don't think so. You should see the guy I'd be replacing. Talks like Mohammed Ali.

SK-2.0 (a.k.a. How the Count Got His Blah Back) [1.2]

 * Greg: Needless to say, we went back to the old Sweetknuckle Junction. Alison told Jimmy that his ideas just weren't jelling creatively with the network. Not to mention all the lawsuits we got from the parents of those twitching kids. Jimmy, you know, the hard-driven creative consultant went back to just being, well... Jimmy. And that's a'ight with me.

 * Alison: You know, I really feel great about this new direction. I just--you know, it's--it's fun, and it's fresh, and it's--it's full of new ideas.
 * Jimmy: Then why are we testing it?
 * Alison: To see if we like it.

 * Warren: I look fat. P-h-a-t phat.

 * Dottie: You think I'm fat.
 * Blah: No, that's--that's Warren.
 * Warren: Would you like a fistful of gold, Liberace?
 * Blah: Oh, Liberace. Tough talk coming from Notorious P.I.G.

 * Dottie: Jimmy, I like this outfit, but... don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, my grandmother watches this show.
 * Jimmy: Well, Dottie, we're not doing this show for the grandmothers. We're doing it for the kids.
 * Dottie: Oh, okay. As long as it's for the kids. I'll just be practicing on my go-go pole.

 * Greg: Why didn't you just call a doctor?
 * Warren: Oh, yes, there's a fine way to make my case with the network. "Oh, I am not overweight, I tell you. And, by the way, here's the bill from when my ass exploded."

 * Warren: I am not fat! I... don't be ridiculous! Of course, I can touch my toes! Here, I will prove it to you.
 * [rip]
 * Warren: Uh... um, something ripped. No, I'm not wearing pants! I... Maury... I--I think I just tore myself a new one.

 * Gil: Yeah, well, like I said, it's not my problem.
 * Dottie: But that's what you do. When we complain, you fix.
 * Gil: Top four answers on the board. Show me "Not My Problem." Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
 * Warren: Yeah, I'd like to change categories, and take "Television's Biggest Jackasses" for $400.

 * Alison: Jimmy. He's Gil's son. I'm putting him in charge. He's the... P.A.
 * Warren: Wait, I have to listen to the kid who lets my coffee get cold? While you're at it, why don't you make Tardy Turtle the head of the network?

 * Alison: I know you all fear change, so from now on, any changes will be referred to as "enhancements."
 * Dottie: Oh, I got enhancements.

 * Gil: You can't put the future of this show in the hands of a P.A. A P.A. who, by the way, only has the job 'cause I'm trying to give that moron some self confidence.

 * Gil: Yes, Alison.
 * Alison: Jimmy just left my office.
 * Gil: Oh, God. Whatever he did, wherever he touched you, I apologize.
 * Alison: No, he was telling me his ideas for the show.
 * Gil: Oy. I apologize for that, too.

 * Jimmy: See, now this one's the bullet train. So I'm thinkin' silver. I'm thinkin', you know, James Cameron. Like--like, The Matrix.
 * Gil: Yeah, you're thinking The Matrix, but you're babbling like Rain Man.

 * Jimmy: Oh, please. The cartoon train station?
 * Alison: It's true. You know, kids today don't even like trains.
 * Gil: Everybody likes trains!
 * Alison: No, Gil, have you been on a train? It's depressing. Nobody wants to spend their vacation staring at poor people's backyards.

 * Greg: There's an old saying: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And, personally, I never liked that saying. No, I thought it should go: If it's workin' alright, just say goodnight. Huh, see, 'cause, well, for starters, it rhymes. And... well, anyway, who would I talk to about changing that?

 * Gil: Ah, network testing. What could be more fun than this? Oh, I know. Who wants to kick me in the face?
 * Warren: Ooh. [Raises hand] Heh heh. Oh, I'm sorry, was that a rhetorical question?

The Jewel Heist [1.3]

 * Jack: Well, there's your problem there. In fact, you got two problems. And they're both between his legs.
 * Blah: Eh, what? They look fine to me, blah. I wish mine looked that healthy. Mine hang so low, I need a cold shower before I can get on an escalator, blah.

 * Alison: You don't have the guts. Drop it.
 * Dottie: You drop it.
 * Susan: Ladies, ladies. Let's just cool out. Now let's all agree that it'd be nice to have a penis. But the sad truth is, we don't. And some of us probably never will.

 * Greg: Oh. Hi. I, uh, I must've, uh, dozed off.
 * Jimmy: Right next to the killer dog, no less.
 * Chelsea: Oh, aren't they cute.
 * Greg: Well. Yeah. You know, uh, he does seem much calmer, doesn't he? I guess we patched things up.

 * Chelsea: Oh my God. Oh my God. James, what did he do to my dog?! Make it stop!
 * Jimmy: Hey, what happened?
 * Greg: Oh, Jimmy. Come on--what do you want me to say, man? You want me to say that Jack came over here, neutered the pooch and replaced his kabangers with Sammy Davis, Jr.'s eyes? Is that what you want me to say?

 * Greg: He attacked me.
 * Chelsea: You must have been taunting him!
 * Greg: Oh, you know, you should be a rape counselor.

 * Greg: My fur is aching.
 * Bucky: I am going to violate you, bunny.
 * Burnt Leader: I am a man of mystery.

 * Chelsea: Okay, you're apologizing to him?
 * Jimmy: Yeah, well, look--
 * Chelsea: He castrated my dog!
 * Greg: You castrated my best friend.

 * Warren: Hey, what do humans see in these things, anyway? If I wanted someone to lick my face and poop on my lawn, I'd get back together with Farrah Fawcett.

 * Greg: Jimmy, come on, this is paintball! We practiced for a month! We devised intricate battle plans! I even had myself Scotchguarded!

 * Greg: Oh my God! Oh my God! Stop! Sit! Play dead! Play paralyzed! Play anything! Just play it away from me!

 * Paintball Instructor: While the paintball is designed to not break the skin, oh, they do break the skin. They cause pain, welts, and -- if'n you're not wearing your goggles -- a little something I call "painteye." I.e., blindness.
 * Warren: Did he just say, "blindness."
 * Blah: Yeah, blah. He also said, "if'n."

 * Jack: We're going to Greg's place. He needs our help.
 * Blah: Why, what's wrong, blah?
 * Jack: There's no time to explain.
 * Blah: Wait a minute. There's plenty of time to explain, blah. Greg's place is, like, 40 minutes away.

 * Greg: Oh, Chelsea wants. Look at you, man. You're on a shorter leash than her stupid dog. You know, we used to hang out. We used to play Nintendo. We used to melt stuff.
 * Jimmy: Oh, Greg, that's so cute. That you're jealous. I mean, don't worry. It's perfectly normal. Perfectly healthy. Just a tad bit gay.
 * Greg: Oh, yeah. Says the guy with the sweater tied around his shirt.

 * Chelsea: Hey, James. Winston had a little accident on your lawn.
 * Greg: Ooh, is he dead? Oh. That kind of accident.

 * Alison: You organized the game.
 * Gil: I'm... not sure that's... true. Uh, Doris, would you find out who organized the paintball game, and why the ladies weren't invited?
 * Dottie: You're talking into a humidor.
 * Gil: Doris, what happened to my intercom?
 * Dottie: There is no Doris.
 * Gil: Edna, would you find out what happened to Doris?

 * Gil: End of discussion.
 * Warren: No, it is not end of discussion, Gil! I do not want to sing this song with Dottie! I do not want to sing this song with Blah! I want to sing this song all by myself, you hear me? Me, me, me, me, me!
 * Gil: Warren, I really don't think this is the right attitude for "The Sharing Song."

 * Dottie: Gil organized a big paintball war for this weekend. Apparently, shooting each other is supposed to promote office unity.

 * Greg: Teamwork. Two people of like mind working together for the common good. Nothing can beat it... Well, except maybe three people of like mind.

Greg Gets Puppish [1.4]

 * Jimmy: That is one pissed off bunny.
 * Gil: I have a feeling this is going to end with puppets rioting in the streets. This is the Fozzie Bear verdict all over again.

 * Warren: Yes, you know, the boy is absolutely right. The way we puppets are depicted on television is deplorable.
 * Gil: You play a professor.
 * Warren: Not a good one. I'm drunk half the time.

 * Jack: What do you get when you add two pieces of ice with one piece of ice?
 * Greg: What?
 * Jack: Threezing. Brrrr!

 * Gil: ...but the, uh, the truth is -- and it pains me to say this -- uh, that outfit makes you look, uh, fat. I mean, really, really heavy.
 * Alison: Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Like, morbidly obese. You know, like, people are going to say, you know, "What did he eat? Wilson Phillips?" She's not fat anymore, but there's three of them.

 * Jack: I once saw a street puppet in an outfit like that get hit by a car. Flew 30 feet. Looked like a clown shot out of a cannon. Except there was no net, so it was... funny in a different way.
 * Warren: Oh, God. You know something? I wish one of the voices in your head would just tell you to shut the hell up.

 * Greg: ...then, he reached out--
 * Janice Lookalike: He touched you?!
 * Tardy: Nobody's 'upposed to touch me where my bathing suit covers!

 * Dottie: Okay! She wasn't my friend, she was my maid! Okay?! My maid was a puppet! Is that what you wanted to hear?! Does that make you happy?!
 * Warren: Hey, my maid's a puppet. You know, she's terrible, but she's illegal, so I can pay her dirt.

 * Warren: Well, you guys cover your asses faster than the new guy in D Block.

 * Greg: The philosopher Wittgenstein once wrote that, since it is through language that we think, it is language that limits us. And while the Puppish language may have 16 words for "furry," it apparently has no word for "Jimmy." If you ask me, that just blows.

 * Gil: ...and our little friend, Greg... Beetle-Beetlejuice.
 * Greg: It's Bizzlebosh. I think. And don't say "Beetlejuice" two more times.

 * Greg: So much of life comes down to choosing sides. Growing up, Jimmy and I were always on the same side. Mostly because no side ever wanted either one of us. Except in softball, where I was quite the stud. But, uh, you know, in all fairness, only because my strike zone is smaller than the ball.

 * Greg (angrily): They just want me to shut up and take my clothes off..
 * Jimmy: Why don't they get Warren to shut up and Dottie to take her clothes off?

 * Hurbada Hymena: You need to penetrate and personify proper puppet power!

 * Jimmy: Dude, you were crying?
 * Greg: Oh, you're one to talk! You bawl like a baby every time you watch Rudy!
 * Jimmy: Yeah, because he's so little, but he tries so big...

 * Greg: Warren, you are a self-hating sock!
 * Warren: Self-hating sock with a mini-fridge.

The Singing Mailman [1.5]

 * Tardy: [driving a forklift he has just picked up a bike rack with] Now I'm strong!

 * Greg: Are you okay, Dottie?
 * Dottie: (crying) Yes Greg, now go away
 * Greg: You don't look okay -- what's wrong?
 * Dottie: I can't tell you, it's too embarassing
 * Greg: Is it more embarrassing than peeing pants during a little league game and then to hide it you fall in a puddle but nobody buys it and everyone starts calling you "Puddle Pants"?
 * Dottie: Yeah it's more embarrassing.
 * Greg: Is it more embarrassing than seeing 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and you're so scared you pee youself so you pour soda on it but nobody buys it and everyone changes your nickname from "Puddle Pants" to "Pepsi Pants"?
 * Dottie: Yes Greg, it's more embarrassing.
 * Greg: Oh... then what's wrong?

 * Dottie: Ira was really into MC Hammer. So one night I set up a video camera...and I danced around seductively to 'U Can't Touch This'...He said he's going to put the tape on the internet and then everyone will see it.

 * Jimmy: Hey, there he goes. He's pulling in to that scuzzy motel.
 * Warren: Oh, wow. I am having total deja vu. Oh, that's right -- I bring whores here.

 * Leo: Alright, you're all such great actors -- why don't you act like you're putting your weapons down.
 * Blah: Jack, you were in 'Nam. What do you do when someone points a weapon at you, blah?
 * Jack: You spend three years in a bamboo cage.

 * Warren: Leo, Warren Demontague. The pleasure is mutual. Looking forward to our scene together.
 * Leo: Correct me if I'm wrong. But if I'm playing a mailman, why would I be doing a scene with a dog?
 * Warren: I, sir, am an actor first, a puppet second, and an ape third! I am not a dog! But if I were, I would bite you thusly!

 * Dottie: Oh, there you are, Gil. I hear you're casting for a singing mailman.
 * Gil: Yeah. He delivers letters... of the alphabet.

 * Alison: Oh my God. And then, instead of taking me home -- which I asked him, obviously, to take me home -- he takes me to his home. Get it? Like, his home. But then this morning--
 * Gil: Alison, sometimes I ask people "What's new" just to be polite.

 * Greg: So, everyone makes mistakes. But, hey, that's okay, as long as you also make friends. Friends'll do anything for you. Especially if they have friends who'll do anything for a couch.

 * Alison: Uh, by the way, I know about the gin in your suck nozzle.
 * Hamster: I got your suck nozzle right here, sister.

 * Dottie: Oh, and by the way, guys, uh, Leo is a little quirky. He'd prefer it if you didn't talk to him too much.
 * Blah: Well, fine, the last thing we need is a disgruntled, singing postal worker, blah.

 * Alison: Gil, who is that?
 * Gil: That's our new mailman.
 * Alison: He's creepy. He looks like a real mailman.

 * Warren: Well, I, for one, welcome my brother from the stage. It will be nice to finally have a true actor to help me carry the show's full dramatic weight.
 * Gil: Warren, here's your banana for the Punky the Chunky Monkey sketch. Try not to eat it this time.
 * Warren: Well. That was... unfortunate timing.

 * Dottie: [singing] Hey, Mr. Mailman, what's in your sack?
 * Leo: [singing] Letters for Dottie, letters for Jack. I hand out letters, that's what I do. I hand out letters to you, you and you. I pass out letters from nighttime 'till noon. I make people happy as I yodel a tune. Odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay-hey.
 * Alison: [to Gil] I don't know where this guy came from, but return to sender... 'Cause he's a mailman, and he's... bad.

 * Dottie: You're not going to believe who I can get for this part! When you think of Broadway, who do you think of?
 * Gil: Nathan Lane?! You can get Nathan Lane?!
 * Dottie: No, bigger! Leo Kornelly!
 * Gil: Ahhh! Never heard of him.
 * Dottie: He's been in everything. He's huge. He's got more Tonys than the mob.
 * [rim shot]
 * Gil: Tardy, get off the drums.
 * Tardy: Drumsticks can also be chicken.

 * Warren: Alright, men, let's get a weapons check.
 * Jack: I got a wrench.
 * Greg: I got a rope.
 * Blah: I got a candlestick.
 * Jimmy: Guys, we're going to beat up Leo, not play Clue.

 * Dottie: You're very good.
 * Leo: I know! So when I saw on the casting call that your show was looking to add a singing mailman, I thought, "What a coincidence! You guys need a singing mailman, and I have your dirty tape!"

 * Warren: Uh, Gil, uh, the man is a genius.
 * Blah: Yes, clearly ahead of his time, blah.
 * Alison: Yeah, well, if he's ahead of his time, that doesn't do us any good now, does it?
 * Blah: Yeah, well, he's only about three weeks ahead of his time. So, uh, by the time the show airs, he'll be perfect, blah.

 * Greg: Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, history's full of 'em. Betamax... Waterworld... your brother who's 16 years younger than you... And there's really no shame in making mistakes. Just as long as nobody knows about them.

Rabbit Redux (a.k.a. Rochester Returns) [1.6]

 * Warren: And, uh, you know, I wrote a bunch of jokes, but, uh, I'm not, uh... well, the thing is, I, uh, I wasn't there when Rochie died, and I hadn't seen that tape before. And, frankly, it, uh, moved me. I can think of nothing more beautiful than to depart this earth doing what it is that you love. And, in Rochester's case, performing, dancing under those bright lights, a hoofing cowboy dying with his boots on. So I salute you, Rochester, my rival, my friend, for going out in a grand, theatrical style. And I tip my hat to Greg. Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive. A smile to shape his very last breath. So, to Rochester.

 * Gil: But, you know, uh, Rochie was a, uh, bit of a health nut. He always stuck to a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.
 * [cricket chirping]
 * Gil: 'Cause the diet was... balanced. Okay, I put together a little video tribute. 'Cause it's not the first time Rochester's died on stage.
 * [cricket chirping]
 * Cricket: Yo, back off. The guy's funny.

 * Alison: And as a network executive, Rochie was always accusing me of being stiff and cold. Right back at ya, Rochie!
 * [rim shot]

 * Dottie: And as a beloved television star, Rochester touched millions of adoring fans. Fortunately, only six of them pressed charges.
 * [rim shot]

 * Jack: You know, we were all, uh, shocked when, uh, Rochie had a heart attack. Smart money was on liver failure.
 * [rim shot]

 * Greg: Oh, this doesn't seem like a very respectful funeral. Look what they've done to Rochester.
 * Jimmy: Well, Greg, when some people die, it's a time to be sad. You know, but when others die, like the Irish or really evil people, it's a time to celebrate.

 * Alison: Ooh, this is really difficult for me to say -- and I'm only saying it because I don't want to see you get hurt. I think Jimmy is flirting with you because he wants to get me jealous.
 * Susan: Oh, please! What would he want with a hairless, two-breasted woman, when he can have all this?

 * Alison: --I'm just saying that I think it was kind of bizarre for you to call me on my cell phone to tell me that cell phones give you cancer. Do you--

 * Gil: Hey, Warren, you shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down.
 * Warren: Oh, right, right. Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years, and tossed him out onto the street. You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant.
 * Gil: Uh, no. I did that when he was on top. I'm saying, don't kick him when he's down. There's a difference.

 * Warren: Heh heh. Oh, ol' Rochie, Rochie. How far the mighty have fallen.
 * Rochester: It's just a little dry spell -- I'll be back. I'm like John Travolta in between Grease and Pulp Fiction.
 * Warren: Yes, well, until Quentin Tarantino swoops in, there's an overflowing toilet in the men's can.

 * Greg: No, wait, Rochester. Look, Mr. Bender, if you don't hire Rochester, then I quit!
 * Rochester: You would do that for me?
 * Greg: Yes, I would.
 * Rochester: So, Gil, are you recasting? 'Cause I'm available.

 * Jimmy: Hi, Susan. Looking good.
 * Susan: H-H-Hi, Jimmy.
 * Jimmy: You smell nice. What's that scent you're wearing?
 * Susan: Scotchguard.

 * Alison: Are you okay?
 * Jimmy: Oh, yeah, it's nothing. It's something I got playing rugby.
 * Alison: You play rugby?
 * Jimmy: Yeah. Don't let my height or... weight or... build or... delicate features fool you.

 * Greg: Oh, sorry, Jimmy. I was having that nightmare again.
 * Jimmy: What, the "buried alive" nightmare?
 * Greg: Yeah. This time, they were singing some happy song, and then all of a sudden, it got dark and unpleasant, like an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.

 * Jack: [singing] Many things are good to take, like a swim out on the lake.
 * Blah: [singing] Take a walk or take a hike. Take a ride on your new bike, blah.
 * Dottie: [singing] Take a train to New Orleans.
 * Jack: [singing] Take a look at my blue jeans.
 * Greg: [singing] Take my temperature when I'm sickly.
 * Warren: [singing] Relax, this will be over quickly.
 * Dottie: [singing] But never take what isn't yours in your grubby, little paws.
 * Jack: [singing] Greg, isn't that what you have done?
 * Greg: [singing] Come on, guys, this isn't fun.
 * Dottie: [singing] Taking something causing grief.
 * Jack/Blah/Dottie/Warren: [singing] Admit it, Greg, you are a thief. Admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it...

Surprise! [1.7]

 * Greg: Looking back, it was pretty amazing how we all stuck by each other... Even Alison took one for the team... Well, we spent the whole day pretending to be a family. And the biggest surprise of the night was that we already were one.

 * Warren: Why the hell are you wearing a dress?
 * Jack: Hmm? Oh, this. Yeah, huh, funny story there. Hank Thompson -- guy at my gun club -- starts shooting way better than he usually does. So I ask him what his secret is. Ladies underpants, he says. It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim. So I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better. So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps -- next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club. Oh, and you know what else? Works for bowling, too.
 * Greg: That's weird. They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.
 * Gil: Yeah. That's the weird part.
 * Alison: Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.
 * Jack: Oh, no, you're kidding. This is so embarrassing... Look at this place -- it's a mess!
 * Warren: Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.

 * Alison: Laura, have you interviewed Count Blah yet? He is such a talent, and so professional.
 * Warren: Oh, yes, if by professional, you mean stealing his entire act from a Sesame Street character.
 * Blah: That's a filthy lie! That son-of-a-bitch stole my bit, blah!
 * Alison: Blah and the--and the Count from Sesame Street have this, like, playful rivalry. I love when you do that. It's totally fake.
 * Blah: Fake, just like his accent. I'm from Romania. He's from New Jersey. And I'll tell you another thing about him. Yeah, he once showed up in an emergency room with 1, 2, 3 -- 3 gerbils!

 * Warren: "...if you get caught between the moon and New York City..."
 * Dottie: You know, the distance between the moon and New York City actually varies due to the moon's elliptical orbit.
 * Warren: Oh, elliptical. Well, my, my -- they must be using some awfully big words on the Cartoon Network.
 * Dottie: Actually, Laura, I studied astronomy in college. In fact, I graduated with a perfect G.P.A. Whereas the only 4.0 Warren ever got was on a breathalyzer test.

 * Gil: Boy, you actually brought a synthesizer.
 * Warren: Yes, well, nothing but the best for Blah's birthday.
 * Gil: It's Jack's birthday.
 * Warren: Yeah, whatever. Come on, shove aside, Bender -- the reporter can't see me.

 * Alison: Warren, Warren, we have exactly three hours to plan a surprise party for Jack, okay? Spread the word.
 * Warren: Oh, good God, this isn't going to be like the time you threw me a party and then cleaned out my liquor cabinet, is it?
 * Alison: That wasn't a party; that was an intervention.

 * Alison: Oh, hey! Yay! Look who's here! Everybody, this is Laura Carlson from TV Guide.
 * Jimmy: Oh, wow. I hope she's as easy as their crossword puzzles.
 * Greg: No kidding. I would like to see a magician try to pull me out of her.

 * Alison: Yeah, the whole angle is going to be how, even behind the scenes, we're one, big, happy family.
 * Jack: Yeah, right.
 * Alison: Yeah, right, and if we do this right, we could wind up on the cover, which would do incredible things for me. Us. The show.
 * Warren: This could be perfect. I could plug my CD entitled, "It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's Demontague."
 * Alison: As much as I would love you to go plug yourself, Warren, this is not the time.

 * Greg: Leo Tolstoy began "Anna Karenina" by writing that all happy families resemble one another, while every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Yeah, that's right -- I've read the first page of a lot of books.

Father & Son Reunion [1.8]

 * Greg: Well, when you think about it, father-son relationships are a lot like omelets. You know, the more you put into them, the better they're going to be. Nobody likes them when they're cold, and if you want to make a good one, sometimes you got to break a few eggs.

 * Warren: Listen, I need to fill some seats tonight. Uh, how'd you like come to my play?
 * Tardy: I like to play with Warren.
 * Warren: No, uh, Tardy. I will be in a play. You understand? Performing.
 * Tardy: I'm not 'upposed to eat the Legos.
 * Warren: Oh God, it's like talking to Keanu Reeves.

 * Jimmy: You never tell me anything.
 * Jimmy's Mother: I tell you things! Like when grandma had a stroke --
 * Jimmy: Grandma had a stroke!?
 * Jimmy's Mother:Yes, but don't worry - she can still criticise my every decision with the left side of her body.

 * Gil: I'm losing everything. Sandy and I are getting a divorce.
 * Blah: You're kidding. What happened?
 * Gil: Oh, you know, she says I spend too much time in the office. Uh, you know, uh, I'm not affectionate enough. Uh, I'm distant. Uh, I pat my fingers too much. You know, I'm cheap. Uh, I breathe funny. You know, I don't listen. Who knows what she's saying half the time.

 * Greg: History is filled with fathers and sons who just can't get along. Oedipus and Mr. Oedipus. Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. Son of Sam and Sam. You know, it makes you wonder if fathers and sons will always be destined to collide.

 * Jimmy: I don't know if this is going to work.
 * Greg: Dude, it's time travel. How hard could it be? If I'm successful, I will go back to 1988 and stop them from making Back to the Future 3.

 * Warren: Why is there so much wrong and so little right? Where have the saints gone marching tonight? What won't you do for the almighty buck?
 * Jimmy: Is it just me, or does this thing suck?

Piddler on the Roof [1.9]

 * Greg: So no one likes to be the bad guy. Well, alright, except for skilled character actors like Alan Rickman. But the point is, you know, if you're the one calling the shots, well, then there's always going to be some people who get, well, pissed. But there are also always going to be people who will look out for you, and make sure that they've got you covered no matter what comes down.

 * Warren: You know about my movie.
 * Alison: Your agent called. See you bright and early in the morning, Professor Ape.
 * Warren: I don't think so. Because I quit.
 * Alison: You can't quit. We treasure you here, Warren. Plus, you're contractually obligated.
 * Warren: Force me to appear, and my performances will be soulless, unimpassioned and sterile.
 * Gil: Good. So everything's back to normal.

 * Tardy: [when asked by his boss if he likes Allison the network executive] I love Allison.
 * Allison How do you like ashtrays?
 * Tardy I love ashtrays.

 * Warren: I'm thrilled, sir! I am honored! I, um, well, you know, Gary, I--I would like to talk to you about, uh, you know, some, uh, clunky writing there in the second act.
 * Gary: But... it's Shakespeare.
 * Warren: Yeah. Yeah. Alright, I'll make it work.

 * Gary: When you're ready. Um, we've, uh, we've got a lot of people to see.
 * Warren: Oh, yes. Well, of course you do. Uh, many fine choices out there... if you're looking to put the "Ham" in "Hamlet."

 * Alison: Yeah, well, I can't act. And I can't sing. I--I tried to write. I-I tried writing a--a script for Full House. It was really, really horrible.
 * Dottie: Well, that's okay. Most scripts don't get anywhere.
 * Alison: No, they made it.

 * Warren: Alright, listen. Uh, sometimes when people drink a little too much, they tend to... hallucinate.
 * Greg: Yeah, they also tend to urinate, which is what I saw you doing last night.

 * Blah: Gary Oldman. You ever see his Dracula? Bad hair.

 * Greg: You know, you made her cry, man. You hurt her feelings.
 * Warren: Oh, please. She is a network robot, okay? They didn't program her model with feelings.

 * Dottie: 'Cause she always seems so sad.
 * Blah: Don't you mean cranky, blah?
 * Dottie: What about Cranky? We invited him.
 * Cranky: Yeah, well, I ain't comin', ya bastards!

 * Greg: Being in a position of authority rarely makes you popular. In high school, I thought my service as a hall monitor might have gotten me elected homecoming king. But instead, it made me the football team's favorite toilet brush.

 * Warren: Of course. Of course. Well, let her know that I would be willing to do a monologue on the show tomorrow. Perhaps Claudius' angst over the murder of his brother might be fun for the kiddies.

 * Gil: Okay, uh, who's the comic genius who took a whiz in Alison's car last night?
 * Dottie: Oh, my God. That's horrible.
 * Warren: Uh, well, I can't believe it. Who could be so immature?
 * Jack: Well, at least she has, uh, bucket seats.
 * Gil: Look, I'm serious. Whoever did this, you're in big trouble.
 * Blah: You said "urine," blah.
 * Gil: I'm serious! She's really pissed!

Blah Bawls [1.10]

 * Greg: You know, I really learned something that day. Something besides the fact that Jimmy has to get a new car, because, let me tell you, these little side trips to the cemetery are way too emotionally draining. I learned that, you know, even though it's scary to let go of the past, being able to do so is a true test of character.

 * Blah: Oh, you'll be fine. Besides, if you're always retracing your footsteps, you'll never make new ones, blah.
 * Warren: That's a little odd coming from somebody whose idea of a hot date is to sob uncontrollably to a marble slab.

 * Maggie: You are a pompous, self-centered monkey!
 * Warren: You are a shallow, manipulative trollop!
 * Gil: Hey, why don't we all calm down before somebody says something untrue.

 * Maggie: And I'll have you know, Blah is the greatest lover I've ever had. Talk about a G-spot? He found the whole damn alphabet.

 * Maggie: Warren, stop it. There is nothing going on between Gil and me. I mean, look at him!
 * Gil: Hello. Person with feelings standing here.
 * Maggie: Despite what you think, I wouldn't just sleep with anything.
 * Gil: Anything? Hey, you married an ape and slept with a vampire!

 * Dottie: Look, I know Jack's a little strange. But he's not stalking you. When would he have the time, with all his anger management classes and gun club meetings?

 * Gil: This thing between you and Maggie. Is it, uh, serious?
 * Blah: No, it's just a one-time thing. Well, technically, it's a four-time thing. But just one night.
 * Gil: Four?
 * Blah: I'm a little rusty...

 * Gil: Alright, how the hell did that happen?
 * Blah: Oh, it's all Jimmy and Greg's fault, blah. They took me to this silly phone bar, and... well, I haven't been with anyone in six years, and Maggie was there, and one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, she's blahing me.

 * Greg: So, apparently, poor Blah has been visiting his wife's grave every day for, like, six years.
 * Jimmy: Well, in all fairness, it's not like she can go to his place.
 * Dottie: My uncle, Dan, was a romantic like this. He used to visit the spot where my aunt was buried all the time. That's how the FBI finally found the body.

 * Gil: ...but Alison at the network just hated your "Trust Song," so she's making me fire you.
 * Psycho Writer: What? I put my heart and soul into that song.
 * Gil: I know. I know, and it shows, it sh--please. And I quote your song, "May my bones be crushed in moldy dust. If you can't trust, you can't trust, you can't tru-uh-ust me" when I say that I loved your song... Now your office has been cleaned out, boxes are already in your car, so off you go.
 * Psycho Writer: This sucks. [storms out]
 * [Alison enters]
 * Alison: What was that about?
 * Gil: Oh, nothing. The writer of "The Trust Song" just quit.
 * Alison: Oh, really? Oh, I loved that song.
 * Gil: Hey, we all did.

 * Greg: Sometimes we get so attached to things that it becomes hard to move on. Things like old cars... bad relationships... my pet snake who loved to sleep in the driveway.

Dottie Heat [1.11]

 * Warren: No, it is not end of discussion, Gil! I do not want to sing this song with Dottie! I do not want to sing this song with Blah! I want to sing it all by myself! You hear me? Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
 * Gil: I do not think this is a good attitude for the Sharing Song.

 * Dottie: Oh, Greggy. I can't believe you stood up and defended my honor like that. No man has ever, ever done that for me before. It was so... masculine.
 * [She kisses him]
 * Greg: Hey, looks like I could use a little fabric softener.

 * Gil: Okay, people. Let's set up for the birthday greetings. I've got a network note here. Susie and Kenny are now Shaniqua and Carlos.

 * Jimmy: Charlie Sheen creepy, or Charlie Manson creepy?
 * Alison: It was, like, your own brand of creepy.
 * Jimmy: Wait a minute. Don't--don't tell me that you really go for that... big, dumb, good-looking, you know, working-out, hair-brushing, shaving--
 * Alison: What, have you, like, watched too many sitcoms where the--the quirky underdog who steals the heart of the unattainable woman? This is the real world, my friend.

 * Warren: You and Dottie last night. What happened in the bedroom?
 * Greg: Oh! Oh, well, uh, we bounced around a lot. So much in fact, we broke her bed. And--and then she banged me up against the wall.
 * Blah: Mazel tov, blah.
 * Jimmy: Uh... so just to be perfectly clear, you actually nailed her?
 * Greg: Yeah, I did. You know, I pulled out my little gun, and I nailed her, like, five times.
 * Blah: Uh, okay. Too much information, blah.
 * Greg: Eh, what's the big deal? I do it to Jimmy all the time.

 * Warren: Yeah, well, I dancered and prancered that vixen, and, man, was I blitzened. Ah, what do ya know. The well's not dry after all.

 * Blah: Ah, looks like our little bunny is now a rabbit, blah.
 * Gil: Oh, come on. He's not like you guys. He's--he's pure, he's innocent.
 * Jimmy: They just pulled in together.
 * Gil: She schtupped him.

 * Warren: Oh, come on, Blah. You can't leave now.
 * Blah: No, I gotta get home, and, uh, rehearse my lines for tomorrow, blah.
 * Jack: We're doing the alphabet.
 * Blah: Any numbers?

 * Jack: You know who I heard had to sell his house?
 * Blah: Who, blah?
 * Jack: Snuffleupagus.
 * Warren: Snuffy? Come on. He's loaded.
 * Jack: All went up his nose.

 * Greg: But I'm not cool.
 * Jimmy: Well, then just act like somebody cool. Who's the coolest guy you know?
 * Greg: Abe Lincoln.
 * Jimmy: That's a great idea, Greg. You get a top hat, you go over to Dottie's house, and then you free the slaves.

 * Blah: Dottie's a fabulous girl, and we all love her. But the problem is... she's too needy.
 * Warren: I like needy. Last year's Christmas party, let's just say she decked my halls, and I gave her a holy night.
 * Gil: Lovely, Warren.
 * Warren: Yeah, we were joyful and triumphant. Pah rum pa pum pum.
 * Gil: Yeah, we get the point.
 * Warren: Ah, good, good, 'cause I'm out of Christmas innuendos... No, wait, uh... she was a heavenly piece.

 * Greg: Come on, they'd never fire Oscar.
 * Jimmy: No, I read all about it. His shrink put him on Prozac. He stopped being a grouch.

Sock Like Me [1.12]

 * Dr. Aben Mitchell: Hi, I'm Dr. Aben Mitchell. To learn more about anti-puppetism in the workplace, please contact your local library or visit us on the web at www.antipuppetismisnolaughingmatter\tartarsauce.org.

 * Greg: Well, what have you got against puppets?
 * Jack: You love your momma, Greg?
 * Greg: Uh, you're not gonna hurt her if I say yes, are you?

 * Dr. Aben Mitchell: OK. Now let's see. Um, Alison. OK, now, you be the puppet customer. Uh, who would like to be the, uh, waiter who abuses Alison?
 * Everybody: Me! Me! Me! Me!

 * Dr. Aben Mitchell: But we must all learn to tolerate and even celebrate our differences. Whether you're flesh, fleece, purple, plaid or even Chinese.

 * Guy in Video: So, Fred, did you get that big promotion you deserve?
 * Fred: No, they gave it to some stupid puppet, just because he was a puppet.
 * Guy in Video: Which puppet did they give it to?
 * Fred: I don't know. They all look alike. (Edit)

 * Jimmy: Jack's never gonna find out.
 * Greg: Yeah, well, if he does, I'm leaving you my foot for good luck.

 * Alison: You got to admit, Jack. It looks pretty similar.
 * Jack: Oh, I get it. It's another damn puppet conspiracy, like covering up Oscar's mob ties. Come on. We all know who controls sanitation from Fifth Avenue to Sesame Street.

 * Gil: "Greg the Bunny is a filthy stinking sock who should die, blah." You know, people, if you don't put your names on the bottom of the paper, I'm not gonna know who wrote 'em.
 * Blah: That one was mine, blah.
 * Gil: I was kidding. I know it's yours. We're all aware of your ridiculous verbal tic.
 * Blah: Hey, blah me.

 * Alison: See? Anti-puppetism is an extremely sensitive issue, Gil. Especially now during Puppet History Month.
 * Gil: Is it October already?

 * Alison: Can I have everyone's attention, please? We have a problem, and it could very easily turn into a situation.
 * Jack: That's network lingo for, "I've got to cover my ass."
 * Warren: Ho, not in that skirt, baby!

 * Warren: Yeah, well, I'm telling you, that second-rate PBS hack doesn't even eat the cookies, OK? They just crumble up and fall right out of his mouth.
 * Greg: Mmm, first sign of bulimia.
 * Dottie: You know what I heard? I heard that Bert and Ernie are actually straight.

 * Greg: I have to go to the bathroom.
 * Gil: Jimmy, why don't you go with him and make sure he doesn't fall in again.
 * Jimmy: Yeah, that's exactly what I got my Ph.D. for.
 * Gil: GED. Hey, I'm not some hot chick you're trying to impress at Bennigan's.

 * Greg: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
 * Dottie: Hmm. I don't know, Greg.
 * Greg: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

Jimmy Drives Gil Crazy [1.13]

 * Greg: So what could've been Jimmy's worst day turned out to be his best. Not just because he got to see that hot girl in her underwear, but because he finally got to see how much his father really does care about him. And me, I got to have a cool adventure in a stolen car with a Goonie! Oh, and as far as Warren was concerned, Corey Feldman finally got what he deserved. And, incidentally, Jimmy's worst day did come the following Tuesday, when my new pal, Corey, gave me a videotape, and I brought it to work.

 * Jimmy: Corey Feldman--oh, you mean this was a setup?
 * Catholic Girl: No, no, no. I really am a horny, Catholic schoolgirl who just happened to be skinny dipping in your pool on my 18th birthday.
 * Jimmy: Once again, betrayed by porn.

 * Alison: I hope he gets away. I--it's great seeing people stick it to authority.
 * Warren: Yes, I'll remember that the next time you give me an acting note.
 * Alison: Warren, "Sober up" is not an acting note.

 * Jimmy: No, I'm just trying to explain--
 * Gil: No, no, no, you're not listening. I don't care. Here's what I do care about. Tapes getting to places. Lunches getting to people. Complainers getting back to work. Delivering the tapes and the lunches to the people and the places. See? That's your job. You're the gofer.
 * Gopher: Gopher? I thought I was the gopher? Are we getting a new gopher? Oh, God. I have to call my agent. I just bought a Porsche.

 * Greg: We all have good days and bad days. The best day of my life was when the whole 4th grade started using my catchphrase, "Skatchamagowza!" Well, today, it was shaping up to be the best day of Jimmy's life.

 * Jimmy: You know, as fun as that sounds, Warren, I don't have a car.
 * Warren: Alright, I tell you what. Um, if you're careful, you can take my Mercedes, Betsy.
 * Jimmy: You named your car?
 * Warren: Yes, in tribute to the woman with whom I lost my virginity. And, as I recall, I also paid too much for her.

 * Alison: Jim. Jim, walk with me. Guess what my colleagues back at the network thought of today's script?
 * Jimmy: What?
 * Alison: Nothing. They didn't get it.
 * Jimmy: Well, you do need to know the whole alphabet to understand the jokes.

 * Jimmy: Hey, that's Corey Haim.
 * Corey Feldman: Corey Feldman!
 * Jimmy: What did I say?

 * Greg: Hey, wait a minute! You're Corey Feldman!
 * Corey Feldman: I thought you were a stuffed animal.
 * Greg: I thought you were in rehab.
 * Corey Feldman: No, that was Corey Haim.
 * Greg: And what did I say?

 * Greg: Ah! Well, Corey Feldman, this is nuts! Come on, man, you got so much to live for!
 * Corey Feldman: Like what?
 * Greg: Well, for one thing, you know, there might be a Goonies, Part 2.
 * Corey Feldman: Will you stop with the freakin' movies already! Jeez. All I've wanted all my life is just to be thought of as a normal person! I am a normal person! And all I want is to have a little love and happiness, and maybe spread a little joy throughout the world!
 * Greg: You mean like your character, Jessie, in Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever?

 * Gil: I want you to know I--I care about more than anything on earth. You're my special boy.
 * Corey Feldman: Michael Jackson used to tell me the same thing.

 * Alison: Quick, turn on the news! That stupid psycho, Warren, is in a police chase! Unbelievable. I knew he was unstable. I knew that he was gonna embarrass us with his drinking and his whoring and--
 * Warren: I'm right here!
 * Alison: Oh, Warren. You're standing right there. Oh, thank God you're okay. I was worried about you.
 * Warren: That's artfully done, Alison. You know, you turn faster than a young girl at Wellesley.

Cast

 * Dan Milano - the voices of Greg the Bunny / Warren "the Ape" Demontague
 * Seth Green - Jimmy Bender
 * Eugene Levy - Gil Bender
 * Sarah Silverman - Alison Kaiser
 * Bob Gunton - Junction Jack Mars
 * Dina Waters - Dottie Sunshine
 * Drew Massey - the voice of Count Blah
 * James Murray - the voice of Rochester Rabbit
 * Victor Yerrid - the voices of Tardy The Turtle / Cranky

title: Greg the Bunny


text:
Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show (2003-2006) is an American sketch comedy television series created by comedians Dave Chappelle and Neal Brennan, with Chappelle hosting the show and starring in the majority of its sketches.

Mad Real World (February 26, 2003)

 * Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie. Tyree:  Hey man, you got that all wrong.  I ain't have sex with Katie.  LYSOL had sex with Katie, I just filmed it. Katie:  No, Tyree.  You had sex with me too! Tyree:  Correction.  I had sex with Katie. Tron: (As Chad walks away in disgust) Hey, Chad... (Chad turns around) I had sex with Katie too, man. (to the camera) Don't give up, Stinky! Katie's got some big ass tittays.

The Time Haters (March 31, 2004)

 * Silky Johnston: Uh-oh, fellas! Looks as though we have company. Slave master: What the hell are you niggers doing out here? Silky Johnston: We are the Time Haters.  We travelled all the way back through time... to call yuh a cracker. Slave master: You better watch your mouth. Buck Nasty: Actually you better watch your mouth white boy, before I shove these gators up your ass and show yo' insides some style. Slave master: ENOUGH!   Beautiful: I-I can't be no slave, Silky!   Silky Johnston: Oh good gawd!
 * Buck Nasty: Look Silky, he done pulled out a whip. Silky Johnston: Nice whip. This here is a pistol. Reach for the sky, honky! Slave: Honky? HONKY? Silky Johnston: "Honky" is a racial epithet used for white people. It was made popular by a man named George Jefferson in the 1970s. You see, he and his wife, Weezie, owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie. Convoluted story I'll admit, but the point is this... that in the future, all black people will be FREE! Slave: When's we gonna be free? Silky Johnston: That is a good question my man. How about now-ish?

Wayne Brady's Show (April 7, 2004)

 * Wayne Brady: I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh, motherfucker?
 * Wayne Brady: Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
 * Wayne Brady: Dave, I'm sorry. Well actually, I'm not sorry! (laughs) I don't give a fuck! They cancel my show, and shit goes crazy!
 * Donnell Rawlings: OH SHIT! IT'S WAYNE BRADY, SON!
 * Wayne Brady: This is not an option, nigga, if you not smoking this, then we have a problem.

Black Bush (April 14, 2004)

 * Bush: After carefully examining the region, uh, me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely ripe for regime change.
 * Ashcroft: A'ight?
 * Bush: But if I can be real about it?
 * Ashcroft: Be real, son.
 * Bush: Real?
 * Ashcroft: Be real real, son.
 * Bush: He tried to kill my father, man.
 * Ashcroft: What?
 * Bush: I don't play that shit!
 * Ashcroft: Yo, say word he tried to kill your father, son.
 * Bush: [grabbing boom mike from above]: The nigga tried to kill my father!
 * Ashcroft: Word on everything we love, we coming to see y'all, son.

 * Bush: The nigga bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?! ALUMINUM!!!! That don't scare ya? Fine. I didn't wanna say this. The muthafucka bought some yellowcake. Ok? In Africa. He went to Africa and he bought yellowcake.
 * Female Reporter: Are you sure?
 * Bush: Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

 * Bush: U.N. [United Nations], you got problem with that? You know what you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh! wait a minute! You don't have an army! So I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up! That's what I would do if I don't have an army, I would shut the fuck up. [speaks into the individual mics at the podium, one word at a time] Shut, the, fuck, up!. That's right! Kofi Annan, you think I'm going to take orders from an African? You might speak sixteen languages, but you gonna need them when you in Times Square selling fake hats. And I know fake Gucci when I see it, nigga I'm rich!

 * Bush: I got a coalition of the willing. I got forty nations, ready to roll, son!
 * Reporter: Like who?
 * Bush: Who the fuck said that? Huh? Huh? Like who? ...England... Japan's sending PlayStations. Stankonia says they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. So, I'm not doing this by myself, and I'm not disrespecting the U.N., even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches! I'm trying to get that oil... [coughs, trying to cover up saying oil] uh-HO!

 * Bush: [asked if the motivation for war is oil] What? Huh? Oil? Who said anything about oil bitch, you cooking? Oil? [tips and spills a water pitcher onto the table, runs out of the room] Come on y'all, get out of here!

Cast

 * Dave Chappelle
 * Anthony Berry
 * Neal Brennan
 * Bill Burr
 * Brian Dykstra
 * Drake Hill
 * Sophina Brown
 * William Bogert
 * Yoshio Mita
 * Paul Mooney
 * Charlie Murphy
 * Randy Pearlstein
 * Nick Wyman
 * Donnell Rawlings
 * Mos Def
 * Max Herman
 * Allen Levy
 * Guillermo Díaz
 * Drago Ruschinsky
 * Amanda Rowan

title: Chappelle's Show


text:
Talk:Joseph Campbell

[...] Why are no sources cited for this stuff? (by 24.90.94.112)

 * If you have sources, please add them. Thanks ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 05:56, 15 August 2005 (UTC)

Some or all made in remarks by Campbell on a PBS Television series of conversations with journalist Bill Moyers. It's available today on DVD

--Jack 04:00, 23 August 2005 (UTC)The TV series was made in 1987 shortly before Campbell's death

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." This may well be something Joseph Campbell said in one of his lectures, but it sounds like an approximation to the quote

"Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you are looking for. The damned thing in the cave, that was so dreaded, has become the center." listed in the first chapter in "Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion" by Diane K. Osbon, 1991, Harper Collins, NY.

"The ultimate aim of the quest must be neither release nor ecstasy for oneself, but the wisdom and the power to serve others." -A Joseph Campbell Companion

Unsourced
Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable, precise and verifiable source for any quote on this list please move it to Joseph Campbell. --Antiquary 18:02, 11 June 2009 (UTC)

 * A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
 * The quote here is close but.... Here's the source, the actual exchange, from the second episode of The Power of Myth. It occurs a little more than 3/4 through. - MOYERS: There was a wonderful story about, I think, President Eisenhower, when the computer was first being built. You remember that story? CAMPBELL: Eisenhower went into a room full of computers, and he puts a question to these machines, “Is there a God?” And they all start up and there’s all those lights flashing and wheels turning and things like that, and after about 10 minutes of that kind of thing, a voice comes forth, and the voice says, “Now there is.” Well, I bought this wonderful machine, IBM machine, and it’s there. And I’m rather an authority on gods, so I identified the god, and it seems to me an Old Testament god with a lot of rules, and no mercy. 97.126.14.112 04:21, 6 October 2023 (UTC)

 * Artists are magical helpers. Evoking symbols and motifs that connect us to our deeper selves, they can help us along the heroic journey of our own lives.

 * Every natural impulse is sinful unless you've been baptized or circumcised in this tradition that we've inherited for heaven's sake.

 * Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

 * God is a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all human categories of thought.

 * However the mystic traditions differ, they are in accord in this respect. They call men and women into a deeper awareness of the very act of living itself, and they guide us through trials and traumas from birth to death.

 * If the path before you is clear, you're probably on someone else's.

 * Love is a friendship set to music.

 * Mythology is often thought of as "other peoples" religions ... Religion can be defined as mis-interpreted mythology.

 * Myths are public dreams; dreams are private myths.
 * Myths, according to Freud's view, are of the psychological order of dream. Myths, so to say, are public dreams; dreams are private myths.
 * This quote from Campbell's 1961 talk titled, "The Impact of Science on Myth." As reprinted in the 1993 edition of JCF's compilation titled, Myths to Live By page 14.  Editor's note: I  didn't really know how to format this citation according to Wikipedia's standards. Can someone more knowledgeable do that for me?

 * Myth is the secret opening through which the inexhaustible energies of the cosmos pour into human manifestation...

 * One of the typical things of the Orient is that any criticism disqualifies you for the guru’s instruction. Well in heaven’s name, is that appropriate for a Western mind? It’s simply a transferring of your submission to a childhood father onto a father for your adulthood. Which means you’re not growing up... The thing about the guru in the West is that he represents an alien principle, namely, that you don’t follow your own path, you follow a given path. And that’s totally contrary to the Western spirit! Our spirituality is of the individual quest, individual realization--authenticity in your own life out of your own center.

 * The adventure is its own reward — but it's necessarily dangerous, having both negative and positive possibilities, all of them beyond control.

 * The best advice is to take it all as if it had been of your intention — with that, you evoke the participation of your will.

 * The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

 * The experience of a lifetime is the privilege of being who you are.

 * The future can come from nowhere else but the energies of the psyche.

 * The troubadours had many debates as to what the definition of love would be. One of the most interesting and precise debates states that the eyes are the scouts for the heart, and the eyes go forth to find an image to recommend to the heart. When the image is found and recommended, if the heart is a gentle heart — that is to say, a heart that is capable of love and not simply of lust — then love is born. If, on the other hand, it is not a gentle heart, then all you have is lust — the pig heart. You don't have love.

 * The warrior's approach to life is to say "yes" to it, "yea" to it all.

 * The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you really are happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what I call "following your bliss".

 * We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

 * What is finally the best austerity, what is the best discipline? The best discipline is to enjoy your friends. Enjoy your meals. Realize what play is. Participate in the play, in the play of life. This is known as mahasukha, the great delight.

 * Wherever you are — if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.

 * You can't have creativity unless you leave behind the bounded, the fixed, all the rules.

I hope it's okay that I alphabetized them all and removed most bold and "quotes". ~ JasonCarswell (talk) 11:35, 28 June 2019 (UTC)

Myth is much more important and true than history

 * Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how reliable that is. ~ Joseph Campbell

According to https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7smvO_XoAE0zf5.jpg ~ JasonCarswell (talk) 11:25, 28 June 2019 (UTC)

'Reality' is just a word, and you shouldn't use it without quotation marks around it anyway.

 * 'Reality' is just a word, and you shouldn't use it without quotation marks around it anyway. ~ Joseph Campbell

According to the opening of The Characteristics of an Initiation Ritual, by Truthstream Media. ~ JasonCarswell (talk) 19:50, 21 April 2020 (UTC)

title: Talk:Joseph Campbell


text:
Category talk:Marvel Comics

Subcategorizing: I am trying to think about subcategorizing the titles. I am tending towards categorizing based on continuity (Earth-616, MC2 and Ultimate Marvel). Another possible categorization is based on affiliation (Spider-Man/Spider-Girl titles, X-Men titles, other titles). Another valid opinion is that no subcategorization is needed yet. I want to raise this point early on, before there are too many titles and subcat'ion becomes an immediate problem. ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 07:59, 15 August 2005 (UTC)

title: Category talk:Marvel Comics


text:
User talk:Witkacy~enwikiquote

Please do not make controversial page moves without discussion. As it is, I would appreciate it if you reverted your changes, and explain your reasoning more fully on Talk:Prejudice. Thanks ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 08:42, 15 August 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Witkacy. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Witkacy~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:39, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 06:01, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Witkacy~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Johnteslade~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 08:44, 15 August 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Johnteslade. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Johnteslade~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:27, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:50, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Johnteslade~enwikiquote