text:
The Magnificent Seven

The Magnificent Seven is a 1960 Western film in which Mexican peasant villagers oppressed by bandits hire a group of seven gunfighters to defend them.
 * Directed by John Sturges. Screenplay by William Roberts. Based on the Japanese film The Seven Samurai.

"They were only seven - but they fought like seven hundred!"

Chris Adams

 * I've been offered a lot for my work, but never everything.
 * Graveyards are full of boys who are very young and very proud.
 * Sorry, I'm not in the blessing business.
 * Once you begin you've got to be ready for killing and more killing, and then still more killing, until the reason for it is gone.
 * Harry, please don't understand me so fast.
 * He's a good gun, and we aren't going to a church social.
 * There's no need to apologize. We weren't expecting flowers and speeches.
 * If he rides in with no idea of the reception we can prepare for him... I promise you, we'll all teach him something about the price of corn.
 * It's only a matter of knowing how to shoot a gun. Nothing big about that.
 * I'll tell you what I can do: I can kill the first man who so much as whispers a word about giving up. The very first man, so help me, I'll blow his head off!
 * The Old Man was right. Only the farmers won. We lost. We'll always lose.

Vin

 * I never rode shotgun on a hearse before. Gettin' up there don't bother me. It's stayin' up there that I mind.
 * I took a job in a grocery store. Fella says I'll make a crackerjack clerk. Crackerjack.
 * You know, I've been in some towns where the girls weren't very pretty. Matter of fact, I've been in some towns where they were downright ugly. But this is the first time I've ever been in a town where there are no girls at all — 'cept little ones.
 * You don't happen to have an older, grateful sister, do you?
 * Reminds me of that fella back home who fell off a ten-story building. As he was falling, people on each floor kept hearing him say, "So far, so good." Heh, so far, so good.
 * We deal in lead, friend.
 * The reason I understand your problem so well is that I walked into the same trap myself. Yeah. First day we got here I started thinking, maybe I could put my gun away. Settle down, get a little land, raise some cattle. The things these people know about me would work to my credit, it wouldn't work against me. I... just didn't want you to think you were the only sucker in town.
 * Fella I once knew in El Paso, one day he took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him the same question, why? He said it seemed to be a good idea at the time.

Calvera

 * The days of good hunting are over. Once there was horses, cattle, gold, fruit from the trees... no more. Now I must hunt with a price on my head, Rurales at my heels.
 * Enough! We get the rest when we come back.
 * If God didn't want them sheared, He would not have made them sheep.
 * Generosity. That was my first mistake. I leave these people a little bit extra and they hire these men to make trouble.
 * Shows you — sooner or later you must answer for every good deed.
 * You hear that? We're trapped! All forty of us!
 * Your friends, they don't like you very much anymore. You force them to make too many decisions. With me, only one decision: do what I say.
 * What happens to these people will happen whether I kill you first or not.
 * (whispering) Just a little gesture, huh? To show these people who the real boss is. You go, then I give you the guns back. I know you won't use those guns against me. Only a crazy-man makes the same mistake twice.
 * Once I rob a bank in Texas. Your government get after me with a whole army. Whole army! One little bank. It's clear to me, the meaning? In Texas, only Texans can rob banks.
 * (dying words) You came back... to a place like this. Why? A man like you...why?

Chico

 * A man comes to him... because he respects him... 'cause he'd be proud to work with him. And he makes me look like TWO CENTS with some damn kid's game!
 * We ride for days to get to this nothing in the middle of nowhere. We are ready to risk our lives to help you, and you? You hide from us. Hide. From us. But it's a different story when you're in danger, huh? You might lose your precious crops. Then you flock to us, huh? Well, we are here, my compadres and I. Here we stay. And you? You prove to us that you are worth fighting for!
 * You know what? They'll make up a song about you and this hat. Villages like this, they make up a song about every big thing that happens. They'll sing it for years.
 * When I brought back the news, you should have seen the look I got from Britt. And Chris. And they have seen a thing or two in their time, and-and done them, too. They aren't men you can impress easily, oh, no! When they looked at me... I knew I was one of them at last. (after spying alone in Calvera's camp.)
 * I could have told you they'd sell us out! Farmers. Farmers! No honor, no loyalty, no... all they care about is their precious crops and the miserable dirt they dig in. I hate 'em. I hate 'em all.
 * Yes. Yes, I am one of them. But who made us the way we are, hmm? Men with guns. Men like Calvera, and... men like you. And now me. So what do you expect us to be?

The Old Man

 * Fight. You must fight. Fight!
 * You must excuse them. They are farmers here. They are afraid of everyone and everything. They are afraid of rain, and no rain. The summer may be too hot, or the winter too cold. If the sow has no pigs, the farmer is afraid he may starve. If she has too many pigs, he is afraid she may starve.
 * They are farmers. They talk of nothing but fertilizer and women. I have never shared their enthusiasm for fertilizer. As for women, I became indifferent when I was eighty-three.
 * At my age, a little excitement is welcome.
 * Don't worry. Why would he kill me? Bullets cost money.
 * The fighting is over. Your work is done. For them, each season has its tasks. If there were a season for gratitude, they'd show it more.

Harry Luck

 * All that's what's on top. What's underneath?
 * A dollar bill always looks as big to me as a bedspread.
 * Chris, I'd hate to die a sucker. We didn't come out here just to keep an eye on a lot of corn and chili peppers. There was something else all the time, wasn't there?
 * Well, I'll be damned.
 * Yeah, that's exactly what I mean! Aztec treasure!
 * We come cheaper by the bunch.
 * There comes a time to turn Mother's picture to the wall and get out!
 * You're crazy, all of you! They won't lift a finger to help. Think of the odds!
 * Hold on Chris, I'll get you out of there!

Britt

 * You lost.
 * Call it.
 * I changed my mind.
 * [after being congratulated shooting a mounted bandit] I was aiming for the horse.
 * Nobody throws me my own guns and says run. Nobody.

Lee

 * I have the most stylish corner of the filthy storeroom out back. That, and one plate of beans. Ten dollars a day.
 * The lies you tell yourself. No enemies... alive. I have lost count of my enemies.
 * Till you lose your nerve. You can feel it. Then you wait... for the bullet in the gun that is faster than you are
 * Yes. The final supreme idiocy... coming here to hide. The deserter, hiding out in the middle of a battlefield.
 * One. There was a time when I would have caught all three. (after snatching at 3 flies on a table.)

Bernardo O'Reilly

 * [chopping firewood] I'm doing this because I'm an eccentric millionaire.
 * I admire your notion of fair odds, mister.
 * If you can't forget about him, why don't you ride sidesaddle?
 * Yeah, I'm one of us, all right.
 * Don't you ever say that again about your fathers, because they are not cowards! You think I'm brave because I carry a gun? Well, your fathers are much braver, because they carry responsibility! For you, your brothers, your sisters, and your mothers. And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends, and it twists them until finally, it buries them under the ground. And there's nobody who says they have to do this--they do it because they love you, and because they want to! I have never had this kind of courage. Running a farm, working like a mule every day with no guarantee what will ever come of it... This is bravery! That's why I never even started anything like that. That's why I never will.
 * See? I told you! You see your fathers?

Others

 * Undertaker: I've always treated every man the same – just as another future customer.
 * Hilario: We will fight with guns if we have them. If we don't... with machetes, axes, clubs, anything!
 * Sotero: Neighbors, I drink to our friends. They armed us, fought at our side, and will forever live in our hearts.
 * Tomás: Only the dead are without fear.

Dialogue

 * [Calvera chats with his "good friend" Sotero while his men loot the village.]
 * Calvera: I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to see a village like this. So much restlessness and change in the outside world. People no longer content with their station in life. Women's fashions — shameless! Religion! You'd weep if you saw how true religion is now a thing of the past. Last month we were in San Juan, a rich town. Sit down. Rich town, much blessed by God. Big church — not like here, little church, priest comes twice a year. Big one. You'd think we'd find gold candlesticks, poor-box filled to overflowing. You know what we found? Brass candlesticks. Almost nothing in the poor box.
 * Bandito: We took it anyway.
 * Calvera: I know we took it anyway! I'm trying to show him how little religion some people now have.
 * Sotero: That I can see for myself.
 * Calvera: (slaps him forehand, then backhand) No! You don't see! What if you had to carry my load, huh? The need to provide food like a good father to fill the mouths of his hungry men. Guns, ammunition — you know how much money that costs? Huh? Uh? (slaps him twice more)

 * [The villagers seek advice from "the Old Man".]
 * the Old Man: Fight. You must fight. Fight!
 * Hilario: Machetes and bare hands against guns?
 * Old Man: Buy guns.
 * Tomas: Buy?
 * Old Man: Go to the border. Guns are plentiful there.
 * Tomas: But what are we going to use for money?
 * Old Man: (digs out a gold pocketwatch and hands it over) Sell that. And anything else you can gather.
 * Hilario: Even if we had the guns... we know how to plant and grow. We don't know how to kill.
 * Old Man: Then learn. Or die.

 * [Driving an occupied hearse to a confrontation with local bigots]
 * Chris Adams: Don't worry. We'll get there (to Boot Hill).
 * Vin: Gettin' up there doesn't worry me. Stayin' up there is what I mind.

 * Henry (corset salesman): Where are you from?
 * Chris: [Points thumb toward his back]
 * Henry (corset salesman): Oh, yeah. Where you headed?
 * Chris: [Points finger in front of him]

 * Miguel: We need help.
 * Hilario: We must buy guns. We know nothing about them. Will you buy them for us?
 * Chris: Guns are very expensive and hard to get. Why don't you hire men?
 * Hilario: Men?
 * Chris: Gunmen. Nowadays, men are cheaper than guns.
 * Hilario: It won't be hard to find men here. Everyone wears a gun.
 * Chris: Sure. Same as they wear pants. That's expected. But good men? That's something else again.
 * Chris: Sure. Same as they wear pants. That's expected. But good men? That's something else again.

 * Chris Adams: Harry! Good to see you again. What are you doing in this dump?
 * Harry Luck: I, uh, heard you got a contract open.
 * Chris: Oh, not for a high-stepper like you.
 * Harry: A dollar bill always looks as big to me as a bedspread.
 * Chris: It's just eating money, Harry. A gold eagle, room and board. Six weeks gunning for some farmers.
 * Harry: Ah, you old Cajun! You don't talk so good, but you always know what's going on.
 * Chris: Now, Harry —
 * Harry: (to villagers) Uh, con permiso. (he closes the door and turns to Chris) All right. All that's on top. What's underneath?
 * Chris: Only what I told you.
 * Harry: Gold? Cattle? Payroll?
 * Chris: Only what I told you.
 * Harry: Oh, sure, sure. Just tell me when you can.
 * Chris: Harry, please don't understand me so fast.
 * Harry: Look, never mind. (winks) I'm in!

 * [Scouting for gunmen in a local saloon.]
 * Miguel: There's one! Look at all the scars on his face!
 * Hilario: The man for us is the one who gave him that face.
 * Chris Adams: Hey, you learn fast.

 * Vin: I did hear of a job below the border shooing flies away from a village, but I can't find out what it pays.
 * Chris Adams: Twenty dollars.
 * Vin: A week?
 * Chris: Six weeks. Whole job.
 * Vin: Well, that's ridiculous. You heard of anything?
 * Chris: Yeah. Below the border shooing flies away from a village. Their village. (indicates Hilario and company)
 * Vin: Twenty dollars.
 * Chris: You can come in right now.
 * Vin: Nah, that wouldn't even pay for my bullets.
 * Hilario: Ours is a poor village.
 * Miguel: We understand. You can make much more as a grocery clerk. And it's good, steady work.
 * Chris: Yeah.
 * Vin: How many you got?
 * [Chris holds up one finger; Vin shakes his head and holds up two fingers.]

 * Hilario: Did you have any luck?
 * Chris Adams: Found a man who would have been perfect. With gun or knife, couldn't ask for any better. But he wouldn't do it.
 * Hilario : The money, it was not enough?
 * Chris: He doesn't give a hoot about money.
 * Hilario: A man in this line of work who doesn't care about money?
 * Chris: Men in this line of work are not all alike. Some care about nothing but money. Others, for reasons of their own, enjoy only the danger.
 * Vin: And the competition.
 * Miguel: If he is the best with a gun and a knife, with whom does he compete?
 * Chris: Himself.

 * [Chris and Vin approach O'Reilly, who is chopping wood on a farm for his breakfast.]
 * Chris Adams: Morning. I'm a friend of Harry Luck's. He tells me you're broke.
 * O'Reilly: Nah. I'm doing this because I'm an eccentric millionaire.
 * Chris: There's a job for six men, watching over a village south of the border.
 * O'Reilly: How big's the opposition?
 * Chris: Thirty guns.
 * O'Reilly: (stops axe in mid-swing) I admire your notion of fair odds, mister.
 * Chris: Harry tells me you faced bigger odds during the Travis County war.
 * O'Reilly: Well, they paid me six hundred dollars for that one.
 * Vin: He said you got that Selena thing cleared up in less than a month.
 * O'Reilly: Paid me eight hundred dollars for that one.
 * Vin: You cost a lot.
 * O'Reilly: Yeah. That's right, I cost a lot.
 * Chris: The offer is twenty dollars.
 * [O'Reilly keeps chopping wood. Chris and Vin turn to leave.]
 * O'Reilly: Twenty dollars? Right now, that's a lot.

 * Lee: You need men for a job down in Mexico.
 * Chris: That's right.
 * Lee: How long?
 * Chris: Four, six weeks.
 * Lee: How much does the job pay?
 * Chris: I thought you were looking for the Johnson brothers.
 * Lee: I found them. How much does the job pay?
 * Chris: Twenty. We leave tomorrow.
 * Lee: I'll have the money before we leave. It should just cover my last two days rent.
 * Vin: Twenty dollars. You must be livin' in style.
 * Lee: Yes. I have the most stylish corner of the filthy storeroom out back. That and one plate of beans, ten dollars a day.
 * Vin: Yeah, things do get kinda high when they find out you're on the run.

 * [Chico rides into the village with Petra across his saddle bow.]
 * Chris: So that's where they were. You hid them.
 * Chico: Sure, they hid them, but she won't tell where. They're afraid — she's afraid — of me, you, him... all of us. Farmers. Their families told them we'd rape them.
 * Chris: Well, we might. In my opinion, though, you might have given us the benefit of the doubt. Well, just as you please.
 * Vin: You know, as long as you were out there, why didn't you bring 'em all in?
 * Chico: What for? Leave them out there. Let Calvera find them. He'll take good care of them.
 * Chris: Bring them in. (to Petra) Show him where.

 * [Britt has just dropped an escaping bandit with a single long-range pistol shot.]
 * Chico: Oh... that was the greatest shot I've ever seen!
 * Britt: The worst. I was aiming at the horse.

 * [Practice-shooting, Miguel jerks his rifle's trigger and fires a wild shot.]
 * O'Reilly: Miguel, didn't I tell you to squeeze? Hmm? Just like when you're milking the goat, Miguel.
 * Miguel: I-instead, I get excited!
 * O'Reilly: Well, don't get excited. (he takes the rifle, cocks it, and hands it back) Now, this time, squeeze. Slowly, but squeeze. Squeeze. (Miguel fires another wild shot) SQUEEZE! I'll tell you what. Don't shoot. You take the gun like this... (holds it by the barrel) and you use it like a club! All right?
 * Miguel: Bueno.

 * [O'Reilly walks in while the gunmen except Chris are eating dinner.]
 * O'Reilly: How's the food?
 * Harry Luck: Great.
 * O'Reilly: Chicken enchiladas, carne asada, and Spanish rice. Looks pretty good.
 * Harry: Yeah, these people really know how to cook. Dig in! There's tons of it.
 * O'Reilly: You know what these people, the villagers, have been eating ever since we got here? Tortillas and a few beans. That's all.
 * [All stop chewing and look at each other. Cut to scene of Vin dishing out food to village children.]

 * [Calvera meets Chris Adams and Vin as he rides into the village.]
 * Calvera: I should have guessed. When my men didn't come back, I should have guessed. How many of you did they hire?
 * Chris: Enough.
 * Calvera: New wall.
 * Chris: There's lots of new walls, all around.
 * Calvera: They won't keep me out.
 * Chris: They were built to keep you in.
 * Chris: There won't be any trouble... if you ride on.
 * Calvera: Ride on? Where am I going to get the food for my men?
 * Chico: Buy it or grow it!
 * O'Reilly: Or maybe even work for it.
 * Calvera: Hm, seven. Somehow I don't think you've solved my problem.
 * Chris: Solving your problems isn't our line.
 * Vin: We deal in lead, friend.
 * Calvera: So do I. We're in the same business, eh?
 * Vin: Only as competitors.
 * Calvera: Why not as partners? Suppose I offer you equal shares.
 * Chris: Of what?
 * Calvera: Everything. Down to the last grain.
 * Chico: And the people of the village? What about them?
 * Calvera: I leave it to you. Do men of our profession worry about things like that? It may even be sacrilegious! If God didn't want them sheared, He would not have made them sheep. What do you say?
 * Chris: Ride on.
 * Calvera: If I leave here with empty hands, everyone in this village will answer to me when I come back.
 * Chris: You won't come back.
 * Calvera: Why not?
 * Chris: Won't have any guns. Take them off right now and drop them.
 * Calvera: Why not?
 * Chris: Won't have any guns. Take them off right now and drop them.

 * [While a few of Calvera's men snipe at the village, three local boys run out to join O'Reilly.]
 * Boy 1: We drew straws, and we got you.
 * O'Reiily: You got me? What do you mean, you got me?
 * Boy 2: If you get killed, we take your rifle and avenge you. And we see to it that there's always fresh flowers on your grave.
 * O'Reilly: That's a mighty big comfort.
 * Boy 1: I told you he'd appreciate that!
 * O'Reilly: Now, don't you kids be too disappointed if your plans don't work out.
 * Boy 2: We won't. If you stay alive, we'll be just as happy.
 * Boy 1: Maybe even happier.
 * Boy 2: Maybe.

 * [A village girl takes an interest in the youngest hired gun.]
 * Petra: I'm sorry, but I thought... you know what I thought.
 * Chico: Yes, yes. I know.
 * Petra: I wasn't afraid of you, it's my father. He said to "Stay away from those men. They are brutes. They are cruel."
 * Chico: He's right, you know that? He's right. Go back home now.
 * Petra: He's wrong.
 * Chico: Well... go home anyway. Before he finds out you're here.
 * Petra: He already knows. He says he'll punish me for being so shameless. But I don't care.

 * Chico: Your gun has gotten you everything you have. Isn't that true? Hmm? Well, isn't it true?
 * Vin: Sure. Everything. After a while, you can call bartenders and Faro dealers by their first names. Maybe two hundred of 'em. Rented rooms you live in, five hundred. Meals eaten in hash-houses, a thousand. Home, none. Wife, none. Kids... none. Prospects, zero. Suppose I left anything out?
 * Chris Adams: Yeah. Places you're tied down to, none. People with a hold on you, none. Men you step aside for, none.
 * Lee: Insults swallowed, none. Enemies, none.
 * Chris: No enemies?
 * Lee: Alive.
 * Chico: Now that's the kind of arithmetic I like!
 * Chris: Yeah. I did too, at your age.

 * [Chris hears O'Reilly's three local boys call him "Bernardo."]
 * Chris Adams: You've been adopted. "Bernardo O'Reilly."
 * O'Reilly: That's my real name. Irish on one side, Mexican on the other, and me in the middle.

 * Vin: I guess right about now you kinda wish you'd given your crops to Calvera, huh?
 * Hilario: Yes. And no. Both at the same time. Yes, when I think of what he might do. No, when I remember the feeling in my chest this morning as I saw him running away — from us. That's a feeling worth dying for. Have you ever... felt something like that?
 * Vin: Not for a long, long time. I, uh, I envy you.

 * [A faction of villagers, led by Sotero, wants to make peace with Calvera; the Seven discuss their next move.]
 * Britt: You want to go?
 * Harry: Well, there comes a time to turn Mother's picture to the wall and get out. The village will be no worse off than it was before we came.
 * Chris Adams: You forget one thing. We took a contract.
 * Vin: Not the kind any court would enforce.
 * Chris: That's just the kind you've got to keep.
 * Vin: That's a noble thought, but the way things are right now... I don't know.
 * Harry: The odds are too high!
 * Chris: Much too high.
 * Harry: Then we go?
 * Chris: No. We lower the odds.

 * [The Seven return from a raid to find Calvera's men holding the village.]
 * Calvera: You should not be surprised. My good friend Sotero, he, ah, arranged for them to come in. Comprende? Well, anyway, to business. I could kill you all. You agree? (a long pause) Well, you don't disagree. Anyway, I don't want to kill you.
 * Chris Adams: Why so generous?
 * Calvera: Practical. They hear about it up north, maybe some friends of yours make more trouble for me — a man who never wants no trouble. We, ah, have a saying here: "A thief who steals from a thief is pardoned for one hundred years." All right, what does that leave? Only one thing. I pardon you. Ride on.
 * Chris: Just like that? (snaps fingers)
 * Calvera: Si, just like...(snaps fingers) I'll make it easy for you. You want food? (to henchmen) Give them food. Water? All right, water. Horses? Saddled and waiting. Guns? Your guns, your gunbelts you take off and you put here, now.
 * Calvera: What I can't understand is why a man like you took this job in the first place. Why, huh?
 * Chris: I wonder myself.
 * Calvera: Oh, come on, come on. Tell me why.
 * Vin: Fella I once knew in El Paso, one day he took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. So I asked him the same question. "Why?"
 * Calvera: And?
 * Vin: He said it seemed to be a good idea at the time.
 * Calvera: Go get your clothes, your saddlebags. Anything you want, take. Your friends in there owe you at least that much.
 * Calvera: Go get your clothes, your saddlebags. Anything you want, take. Your friends in there owe you at least that much.

 * [Calvera's men have escorted the Seven well outside the village and tossed their guns on the ground.]
 * Britt: Nobody throws me my own guns and says ride on. Nobody. (puts his gunbelt back on)
 * Vin: Took me a long time to learn my elbow from a hat rack. Right now, I belong in that border town, sleeping on white sheets. (puts his gunbelt on) But I'll ride back to that village.
 * Harry Luck: You're crazy. all of you! They won't lift a finger to help. Think of the odds!
 * O'Reilly': Harry, nobody's asking you to go back.
 * Chris Adams: Ride on, Harry. It's all right.
 * Harry: You bet your sweet life I will! (grabs his gear and mounts) Come on, Lee. If they want to get killed, let 'em.
 * Chris: Go ahead, Lee. You don't owe anything to anybody.
 * Lee: Except to myself. (dismounts and puts his guns on)
 * Harry: You're crazy! ALL of you!

 * [Harry has been shot riding to Chris' rescue in the final battle against Calvera]
 * Harry Luck: Chris... I hate to die a sucker. We didn't come here just to keep an eye on a lot of corn and chili peppers, did we? There was something else all along, wasn't there?
 * Chris Adams: (Lies to Harry)Yes, Harry. You had it pegged right all along.
 * Harry: I knew it. What was it?
 * Chris: Gold. Sacks of it.
 * Harry: Sounds... beautiful. How much?
 * Chris: At least a hundred and fifty.
 * Harry: My cut would have been what?
 * Chris: About seventy thousand.
 * Harry: I'll be damned. (he expires)
 * Chris: Maybe you won't be.

 * [The surviving gunmen are preparing to ride out of the village.]
 * Old Man: You could e-stay, you know. They would not be sorry to have you e-stay.
 * Chris Adams: They won't be sorry to see us go, either.
 * Old Man: (nods) The fighting is over. Your work is done. For them, each season has its tasks. If there were a season for gratitude, they'd show it more.
 * Vin: We didn't get any more than we expected, old man.
 * Old Man: Only the farmers have won. They remain forever. They are like the land itself. You helped rid them of Calvera the way a strong wind helps rid them of locusts. You are like the wind, blowing across the land and... passing on. Vaya con Dios.
 * Chris: Adios.

Cast

 * Yul Brynner - Chris Adams
 * Eli Wallach - Calvera
 * Steve McQueen - Vin
 * Horst Buchholz - Chico
 * Charles Bronson - Bernardo O'Reilly
 * Robert Vaughn - Lee
 * James Coburn - Britt
 * Brad Dexter - Harry Luck
 * Vladimir Sokoloff - the Old Man
 * Jorge Martinez de Hoyos - Hilario
 * Rosenda Monteros - Petra
 * Rico Alaniz - Sotero
 * Val Avery - Henry (corset salesman)

title: The Magnificent Seven


text:
Eric Idle

Eric Idle (born 29 March 1943) is an English actor, comedian, songwriter, musician, screenwriter and playwright. He was a member of the British comedy group Monty Python and the parody rock band the Rutles.

Quotes

 * Always look on the bright side of life.
 * Song written for the film, Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)

 * Typical Hollywood crowd - all the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates.
 * Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)

 * American Beer is a lot like making love in a canoe - it's fucking close to water.
 * Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)

 * Basically, the Germans came to us and said, "We don't have a sense of humour."
 * Answering the question "Why did you do two episodes in German?" on an HBO (March 1998) Python reunion special.

 * I got used to dealing with groups of boys and getting on with life in unpleasant circumstances and being smart and funny and subversive at the expense of authority.
 * On his childhood years in a boarding school. From Bob McCabe The Pythons' Autobiography of the Pythons (2003).

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Eric Idle


text:
Floccinaucinihilipilification

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, floccinaucinihilipilification is the longest non-technical word in the English language. It means an estimation of something as worthless.

Quotes

 * [...] for whatever the world might esteem in poor Somervile, I really find, upon critical enquiry, that I loved him for nothing so much as his flocci-nauci-nihili-pili-fication of money.
 * William Shenstone, letter (1741); anthologized in The Works, in Verse and Prose, of William Shenstone, Esq, vol. III (1769), p. 49

 * From what I hear, the poor man is not sensible of the nature of his own situation; for myself, I have succeeded in putting the matters perfectly out of my mind since I cannot help them, and have arrived at a flocci-pauci-nihili-pili-fication of money, and I thank Shenstone for inventing that long word.
 * Sir Walter Scott, journal (March 8, 1826), with "pauci" as the second element rather than "nauci").

 * Digby was a floccinaucinihilipilificator at heart—which is an eight-dollar word meaning a joker who does not believe in anything he can't bite.
 * Robert A. Heinlein, The Puppet Masters (1951).

 * A slaughtered crew, a sunken ship, and my collections destroyed—these do not weigh at all against their punctilios. There is a systematic flocci-naucinihili-pilification of all other aspects of existence that angers me. I spend half my time purging them, bleeding them, prescribing low diet and soporifics. They eat far too much, and drink far too much, especially JD.
 * Patrick O'Brian, Master and Commander (1970).

"Is that a compliment?" "Certainly! Means you're so sharp you spot the slightest flaw." I kept quiet. It was possible that Zebadiah meant it as a compliment. Just barely— "Maybe I'd better check it in a dictionary." "By all means, dear-after you are off watch." (I dismissed the matter. Merriam Microfilm was all we had aboard and Aunt Hilda would not find that word in anything less than the O.E.D.)
 * "Sharpie darling, you are a floccinaucinihilipilificatrix."
 * Robert A. Heinlein, in The Number of the Beast (1980) and The Pursuit of the Pankera:A Parallel Novel About Parallel Universes (2020).

 * They happen to produce huge billion dollar differences over seven years in the federal budget, which is why they become fairly incendiary as the debate goes along. But if you—as a practical matter of estimating the economy, the difference is not great. There's a little bit of floccinaucinihilipilification going on here.
 * Mike McCurry, United States President Bill Clinton's press secretary (December 6, 1995 press briefing).

 * Griffy: Do you think I may be too quick to find fault with things & people, Zippy? Zippy: Yeh. Th' "floccinaucinihilipilification" process. Griffy: Th' what? Zippy: Floccinaucinihilipilification!! … It means "the estimation of something as valueless"! Griffy: You've been randomly reading th' dictionary, haven't you? Zippy: Yes... that and my natural tendency toward antifloccinaucinihilipilification!!
 * Bill Griffith, "Zippy the Pinhead", "29 Little Letters," March 14, 1996

 * Let me indulge in the floccinaucinihilipilification of EU judges [...]
 * Jacob Rees-Mogg (21st February 2012)

Attributed

 * I note your distress at my floccinaucinihilipilification of the C.T.B.T.
 * Jesse Helms (1999), in reference to the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty (quoted in The New York Times, ""Defeat of a Treaty: The Tactics; Quietly and Dexterously, Senate Republicans Set a Trap," October 14, 1999).

title: Floccinaucinihilipilification


text:
Dogma (film)

Dogma is a 1999 film about two renegade angels, banished for eternity to Wisconsin, who find a "loophole" that may allow them to return to Heaven. Unbeknownst to them, their reentry threatens to destroy the universe, forcing Heaven to mobilize forces to stop them.
 * Written and directed by Kevin Smith.

Get "touched" by an angel. Taglines

Azrael

 * No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
 * (Last words) But l'm a fucking demon.

Metatron

 * As I was saying - prior to your firefighting episode - I am... the Metatron. [Bethany stares blankly.] Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. [She continues staring blankly.] You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
 * Tell a person that you're the Metatron, and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?

Serendipity

 * The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
 * So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war.  That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.

Other

 * PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat.

Dialogue

 * Nun: So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland?
 * Loki: No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" The existentialists can keep their Kierkegaard and their Sartre — give me Lewis Carroll any day. That guy knows what time it is!
 * Nun: The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?
 * Loki: Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister — it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.
 * [The nun smiles gratefully and leaves. Loki sits next to Bartleby.]
 * Bartleby: Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
 * Loki: I just love to fuck with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!

 * Loki: Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
 * Bartleby: What's that?
 * Loki: Let's kill people.
 * [A woman standing next to them does a spit take]
 * Loki: Oh, not you.

 * [Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]
 * Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
 * [Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]
 * Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!
 * Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!
 * Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ...
 * Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!
 * Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?
 * [Bethany realizes the baseball bat she's holding is now a large fish, and drops it in shock]
 * Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!
 * Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
 * Metatron: Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! [Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be] See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? [Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry] Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
 * Bethany: What are you?
 * Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

 * Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
 * Bethany: Well... why doesn't God speak for Himself?
 * Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five s before we figured that one out.

 * Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
 * Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
 * Metatron: was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
 * Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
 * Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
 * Bethany: What's the fine print?
 * Metatron: [Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.
 * Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
 * Metatron: [Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

 * [Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]
 * Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...
 * Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?
 * Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.
 * Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.
 * Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?
 * Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!
 * Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?
 * Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
 * Bethany: Excuse me?
 * Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

 * Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
 * Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
 * Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
 * Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
 * Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
 * Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
 * Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
 * Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

 * Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
 * Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
 * Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
 * Bethany: Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
 * Jay: You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
 * Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
 * Jay: See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. [Silent Bob raises a finger.] Except for Judd Nelson, he was fucking harsh! [He and Silent Bob bump fists.] But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinios, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.
 * Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?
 * Jay: [to Silent Bob] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. [to Bethany] Tomorrow.
 * Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...
 * Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
 * Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
 * Jay: I'll take head.
 * Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
 * Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
 * Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
 * Jay: Really?
 * Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
 * Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
 * Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
 * Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
 * Bethany: Do you believe in God?
 * Jay: Holy fuck! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the fuck outta here- [both get up to leave]
 * Bethany: No, wait!
 * Jay: I'll scream rape.
 * Bethany: I can pay you.
 * Jay: Pay? [he and Silent Bob sit back down]
 * Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
 * Jay: [to Silent Bob] I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?
 * Bethany: No sex.
 * Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?
 * Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
 * Jay: Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!

 * Jay: You believe this shit?!
 * Rufus: You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass!
 * Bethany: You were martyred?
 * Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

 * Bethany: You knew Christ?
 * Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

 * Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
 * Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
 * Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
 * Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off]
 * [a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
 * Jay: Dude, not all the time.

 * Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
 * Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
 * Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

 * Whitland: Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights?
 * Board: No
 * Whitland: We creamed 'em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? [Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife] 'Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
 * Loki: [To Bartleby] You may proceed, mon ami.
 * Bartleby: I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
 * Loki: Oh come on!
 * Bartleby: Relax, I'm doing this. [To the board room] Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films, sixteen records, eight prime-time specials, and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything?
 * Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine.
 * Bartleby: Damn it!
 * Whitland: Now, is there a point to this?
 * Bartleby: You and your board are idolaters.
 * Loki: [To Bartleby] I can't believe you forgot the magazine. [Places the onion, carved in the shape of a man, before Whitman] That's you. Do you know much about voodoo? That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More an arrangement of superstitions the most well-known of which is the voodoo doll. You see- [Sneezes. He looks around the room but no one speaks.  Shrugs and continues his speech.] -a mockup of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods.The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
 * Whitland: Call security, now! [Loki throws a the knife into the phone]
 * Loki: All lines are currently down.
 * Bartleby: I'm gonna have to apologize.
 * Loki:-Would you knock it off?
 * Bartleby: You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? [To the board room] Ahem. You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the First Commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
 * Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
 * Bartleby: Mr. Newman. You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was, survey says... less costly. You, on the other hand [addressing the only female board member] are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [Whispers into Whitland's ear]
 * Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck! - Good.-
 * Bartleby: Not bad, man.
 * Loki: That's great work.
 * Bartleby: Very good. [Walks out]
 * Loki: Well, alone at last. With the exception of Miss Pryce here there isn't a decent human being amongst you. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. But not from God. (Walks off) Oh, forgot my little voodoo doll. Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? Look, if I believed enough in this... I wonder.[smashes doll into table. The board scream in terror before realizing nothing's happened. Loki snickers] Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. Voodoo. [Loki exits the boardroom. The board members collect themselves, but then Loki re-enters with gun drawn] But I do believe in this!. [Opens fire] DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! AND YOU! IN THE BED THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!
 * Bartleby: [Reading Mooby magazine] "But I do believe in this"... What does that mean?
 * Loki: [all but the innocent woman are dead] Gum? Go on it's OK you've done nothing wrong, those guys were finks and you're a pure soul. [Points gun at her] But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.
 * Bartleby: LOKI!
 * Loki: You're getting off light.
 * Bartleby: Loki!
 * Loki: I know, I'm coming. [walks off] You're so lucky.

 * Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants!
 * Loki: [alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...
 * Bartleby: Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet — they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
 * Loki: Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissake! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright!
 * Bartleby: Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.
 * Loki: [horrified] My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
 * Bartleby: What did you say?
 * Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
 * Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me.
 * Loki: You sound like the Morning Star!
 * Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth, man!
 * Loki: You do, you sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby — you're talking about fucking war on God! Well, fuck that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.
 * [Bartleby slams Loki against a wall]
 * Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And no one — not you, not even the Almighty Himself — is going to make that otherwise.

 * Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
 * Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!
 * Bethany: [sarcastically joking] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! [Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?
 * Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.
 * Bethany: His mother and father?
 * Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
 * Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.
 * Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!
 * Bethany: Meaning?
 * Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
 * Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

 * [Bethany has just found out that she is the last descendant of Jesus]
 * Bethany: [looking skyward] WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! [now crying] I hate you.
 * Metatron: He can't hear you, you know.
 * Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
 * Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.
 * Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big.
 * Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.
 * Bethany: Everything I am has been a lie.
 * Metatron: No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane - no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.
 * Bethany: [chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.
 * Metatron: [smiles] To say the least.

 * Rufus: So what do we do now?
 * Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

<hr width="50%" />
 * Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. [lights a cigarette]
 * Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
 * Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

<hr width="50%" />
 * Cardinal Glick: Who sent you here?
 * Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
 * Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute.
 * Rufus: [shrugs] Worked for Moses.

<hr width="50%" />
 * Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!
 * Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!
 * Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
 * Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
 * Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
 * Bartender: Never heard of it.
 * Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
 * Serendipity: Don't...
 * Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?
 * Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
 * Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
 * Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
 * Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
 * Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
 * Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

<hr width="50%" />
 * Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
 * Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
 * Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
 * Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

<hr width="50%" />
 * Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?
 * Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

<hr width="50%" />
 * Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?
 * Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Taglines

 * Get "touched" by an angel.
 * It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven
 * Faith is a funny thing.
 * Prepare Thyself.
 * Look out Below

Cast

 * Ben Affleck – Bartleby
 * Matt Damon – Loki
 * Linda Fiorentino – Bethany Sloane
 * Alan Rickman – Metatron
 * Chris Rock – Rufus, the 13th Apostle
 * Jason Lee – Azrael
 * Salma Hayek – Serendipity
 * Jason Mewes – Jay
 * Kevin Smith – Silent Bob
 * George Carlin – Cardinal Glick
 * Janeane Garofalo – Liz
 * Alanis Morissette – God

title: Dogma (film)


text:
User:King of Hearts

Please see w:User:King of Hearts.

title: User:King of Hearts


text:
Robots (2005 film)

 * This page is for the film Robots. For other uses, see robots.

Robots is a 2005 American computer-animated comedy film produced by Blue Sky Studios for 20th Century Fox, and based on the children's book by William Joyce, which revolves around a nonconformist robot who dreams of being an inventor. It spawned a sequel called, Robots 2.
 * Directed by Chris Wedge. Written by David Lindsay-Abaire, Lowell Ganz, and Babaloo Mandel.

Dialogue

 * [first lines]
 * Children: Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing...
 * Baker: There you go.
 * Child: Thanks.
 * Herb: Wa-hoo! I'm gonna be a dad! I just talked to my wife. My baby's gonna be delivered any minute.
 * Robot on truck: Hey! Get out of the way!
 * Herb: Hey, hey! I'm going to be a dad! Congratulate me.
 * Robot #1: Huh?
 * Robot #2: Hmm?
 * Fire Hydrant: Good for you, Herb. Don't even think about it.
 * [Herb has just been running through the town]
 * Herb: Whoo-hoo!
 * Beer Delivery Robot: Hey!
 * Herb: Sorry. How are you? Nice to see you. I'm gonna be a dad!
 * Beer Delivery Robot: Congrats!
 * Herb: Hey, Mr. Nuts, did you hear the news?
 * Mr. Nuts: Yeah.
 * Herb: Beautiful day, isn't it?
 * [Herb runs into his house, where Lydia is standing next to a window]
 * Herb: I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
 * Lydia: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. You missed the delivery.
 * Herb: Oh!
 * Lydia: [holds up a box with a picture of a robot on it] But it's okay. Making the baby's the fun part.

 * Herb: He's got your moms eyes and my dads nose. I knew we were smart to save those parts.

 * [After Herb and Lydia assembled baby Rodney]
 * Lydia: Honey?
 * Herb: What?
 * Lydia: What's that extra piece?
 * Herb: Oh. Oh, no, they always put in an extra... [takes a good look at the piece; chuckles] We did want a boy, right? [takes the piece and a hammer; clears throat] This won't hurt a bit, son. [hammers the piece in, and baby Rodney wails]

 * Mr. Gunk: [about Wonderbot] I'll stop it!
 * Rodney: No!

 * Lydia: I told you I'd find him! It's a mother's instinct.
 * Herb: What instinct? He left us a note, "I'm leaving, I'll be at the train station."

 * Fender: [takes a picture of Rodney] Perfect! That'll be 50 bucks.
 * Rodney: 50 bucks?! For what?
 * Fender: A beautiful picture of your first moment in Robot City. [takes another picture] There, I've captured your second moment. That's another 50 dollars. [to Diesel] Are you keeping track? [Diesel makes a cash register ring sound] [keeps on taking photos] Come on, work with me, work with me! More pout, less pose! There's a great inside of you is a fashion model just waiting to throw up. Give me those eyes! Big eyes! Big eyes! Give me big anime eyes! Yeah, I'm lovin' it! Lovin' it! Lovin' it!
 * Rodney: I don't want any pictures!
 * Fender: You don't?
 * Rodney: No!
 * Fender: That's alright. There's no film in the camera. Would you like to buy a map of the stars' homes? [realizes he's gone] Where'd he go?
 * Watch salesman: Psst, buddy, wanna buy a watch?
 * Watches: Don't buy us. We're fakes.

 * Fender: I tell ya, the things that fall off of me... it's embarrassing!

 * [Rodney has just arrived at Bigweld Industries; he stares at the front gate in awe]
 * Tim: Yoo-hoo! Excuse me! Can I help you?
 * Rodney: Sorry, I... hey! You're Tim from the TV show!
 * Tim: That's me!
 * Rodney: Well, hey, Tim. Who closed the gate? It's never supposed to be -
 * Tim: Yeah, okay. What do you want?
 * Rodney: Hm? Oh. I'd like to see Mr. Bigweld. I'm an inventor. [he quickly shows Wonderbot to Tim]
 * Tim: Well, why didn't you say so? Stand back.
 * [Tim opens the gate; Rodney stares in amazement at what he sees]
 * Rodney: Thanks. [he starts to go in, but the door suddenly closes] WHAT?!
 * Tim: [laughing] I gotcha! Y'see, because you were all excited, and then BOOM! [laughs again; Rodney glares] Alright, I had my laugh. Go on in.
 * Rodney: [resuming his entry before the door closes again] Whoa... hey!
 * Tim: [laughing hysterically] Now, that's funny! A second time! What?! You really think I'm gonna let you in! [laughs] Well, I'm not! Sorry, kid. Nobody gets in. Company rules.
 * Rodney: Company ru...? Well, then how do they hire new inventors?
 * Tim: They don't. Those days are over. My advice... hmm, come back two years ago, then the job is yours. [laughs hysterically]
 * [cut to Bigweld Industries, as the camera zooms in on the building]
 * Rodney: [off-screen] I'll get to the bottom of this.

 * [The Bigweld Industries executives are gathered in the meeting room, watching a clip of The Bigweld Show]
 * Bigweld: [video] So, remember, whether a bot is made of new parts, old parts or spare parts, you can shine no matter what you're made of. [the clip stops]
 * Ratchet: Oh, my goodness. What a remarkable legacy. Concern for the common robot. You just don't come across old-fashioned values like that anymore, my friends. And for a good reason... THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT! Hello! Memo to Bigweld: we're not a charity! That's why old Fat-face no longer sits in the big chair. He's a relic! So I don't want to hear another [in a whiny voice] "Where's Bigweld?" [imitates a baby whining, then back to normal] again!
 * Chairman: We'll see him next month at the Bigweld Ball! He always goes to that. [Ratchet pushes a button which makes the chairman fall into a pit]
 * Ratchet: Now, let's get down to the business of sucking every loose penny out of Mr. and Mrs. Average Knucklehead. [closes the room's blinds and starts a presentation] What's our big ticket item? Upgrades, people, upgrades. That's how we make the dough. Now, if we're telling robots that no matter what they're made of, they're "fine", how can we expect them to feel crummy enough about themselves to buy our upgrades and make themselves look better? Therefore, I have come up with a new slogan: "Why be you when you can be new?" [turns off the screen and opens the blinds] I gotta tell you, I think it's brilliant, but honestly, I'd like to hear what you employees think about this.
 * [after a moment of silence, the boardroom erupts in applause]
 * Employee: Out of the ballpark, Ratchet.

 * Madame Gasket: All right, break time [Worker's look up surprised] All right, break time's over. Chop, chop! [cackles as the workers groan in disappointment] Ah, look who's here.
 * Ratchet: Hi, Mom.
 * Madame Gasket: Hi, sweetie! How's my boy?
 * Ratchet: Great. I did just what you told me: no more spare parts. In a couple of days, those broken-down bots out there are gonna be nothing but scrap metal. You will be up to your bloomers in broken outmode junk!
 * Madame Gasket: Such a good boy! And after you finish off Bigweld, there will be nobody out there to fix them.
 * Ratchet: Exactly... uh, you wanna swing that by me again?
 * Madame Gasket: YOU IDIOT!! Those outmodes look up to him! Suppose he decides to come back!
 * Ratchet: Aw, come on, Mom! He's not gonna be any trouble where he is!
 * Madame Gasket: What are you afraid of?! Grow some bolts! Or do you wanna end up like your father? [shows Ratchet his father as nothing but an endoskeleton]
 * Ratchet's Dad: Hey, son. Good to see ya.
 * Madame Gasket: Think what it would mean. Not Bigweld Industries, Ratchet Industries.
 * Ratchet: Keep talking.
 * Madame Gasket: RATCHET CITY!!!
 * Ratchet: Yes, everything shiny... [laughs evilly]
 * Madame Gasket: No more Bigweld, no more outmodes!
 * Ratchet: LET'S DO IT!!!
 * Madame Gasket: THAT'S MY BOY!!!
 * [the two dance and laugh maniacally]
 * Madame Gasket: Are you hungry? Can I get you something? You look thin.
 * Ratchet: No, thanks, Mom. I gotta go. Bye. Oh, bye, Pop.
 * Ratchet's Dad: So long, son. Good luck with your dastardly plans.

 * [After a skating fight on ballbearings, Fender hits the floor and his head comes off of his body]
 * Fender: Oh, great. Happy now?
 * Rodney: Not until you give me back my foot, you mugger! [takes his foot back from Fender]
 * Fender: I am not a mugger! I happen to be... [his head falls over] Ow! ...a scrounger. I didn't know you were at the end of that foot.
 * Rodney: Oh, here. Let me help you with that.
 * Fender: No, no, no. I'll do it myself. I have my pride, you know. [whistles to his body] Over here. [his body comes over to pick his head up] Oh, no. No. No, no, not that close... [his body accidentally kicks his head away from it] Hold on, hold on! [the body kicks it away again] No, no, no!

 * Crank: Ugh. What's the use? There's nothing left.
 * Lugnut: Hey, Diesel, I found you a voice box. [Diesel puts the voice box in his mouth; starts imitating a Spanish sport announcer until the chip falls out of him] Uh... here's another one. [Diesel starts barking like a dog]
 * Crank: That's no good. Give me that! [He attempts to take it out of Diesel, but Diesel just growls at him]
 * Lugnut: [sighs] I can never find parts in my size. [Fender's head suddenly flies into the basket; Diesel barks] What is it, boy? [finds Fender's head] Hey, Fender, have you lost weight?
 * Crank: "Lost weight"?! Look at - will you look at - he's a head, in a basket! We're doomed, I knew it. We're doomed.
 * Fender: Yeah, will you shut up, you neurotic nut? Why, I'd... I'd smack you if I had a hand. [his body conveniently comes bouncing off the walls] Well, speaking of the devil, here I come. [his body lands] OW! Dang it!
 * Piper: [emerging from a nearby recycling bin with a discarded Wonderbot] Whoa, check this out! Who would throw away such a cute little doodad? [Wonderbot whimpers] Aw, don't be scared...
 * Rodney: [off-screen] Hey, that's mine!
 * Fender: That's him! That's the guy! I would know that face! I know that face, and I know that foot! [he realizes his hand is pointing to his own body instead of Rodney's] Psst! He's over there, you moron. [his hand points to Rodney's body] That's the perpetrator! He knocked my head off! You want another piece of me?!
 * Piper: Alright, buster! If you think you can mess with my big brother, you're... [is distracted by Rodney's appearance] you're kind of cute.
 * Crank: Piper, would you behave yourself? Now, come on. Let's get Fender fixed... again.
 * Piper: [handing Wonderbot back to Rodney] Here's your... thingamabob. By the way... the name's Piper. Rhymes with "viper". [hisses flirtatiously] See you around. [she suddenly trips over, but gets up and adjusts herself]
 * Fender: We've told you a hundred times, [with his hand] don't talk to strange men. Thank you, Manuel.
 * Piper: I talk to you. Who's stranger than that?

 * Jack Hammer: I've got good news, and I've got bad news.
 * Fender: What's the bad news?
 * Jack Hammer: I checked the stock book. As of today, they're no longer making parts for your model. You have been officially outmoded.
 * Fender: Outmoded? Well, that's fine... WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?!?
 * Jack Hammer: Well, when we had your parts... They were on sale! [laughs]
 * Fender: [breaks down into tears] Oh, how can this happen to me?! I'm practically a kid!
 * Jack Hammer: Geez. Look, pull yourself together. All you need is an upgrade. [reveals an upgrade display]
 * [the Rusties stare in admiration]
 * Lugnut: Mmm, that new upgrade smell.
 * Jack Hammer: Just came in, fully loaded. Look, it's got cupholders. Standard.
 * Lugnut: Does it come in plus sizes?
 * Jack Hammer: Sure! Take a look at the new Bigweld spring collection! [points to a whole aisle of upgrades; the Rusties stand in awe]
 * Fender: I can't afford that fancy stuff. All I need is one stinkin' neck joint! [his body bangs his head against the counter] Why... did... this... happen... to... me?! Ow! Ow! Aah! Aah! I'm hurting me! Idiot!
 * Jack Hammer: Sorry, pal. It's either upgrade or the Chop Shop for you.
 * Fender: The Chop Shop?! AAAAAHHHH!!! I'm fine, I'm fine. [his body places his head back on it] Look, no hands. Oops. [the head falls off; the body puts it back on] And ta-da! I'm back. Miss me?
 * Piper: No one's going to the Chop Shop!
 * Crank: That's right! What do you think we can get for him? Not that I've been thinking about it.
 * Piper: Will you stop?! Listen, shiny pants, you get back there and find a part for my brother! We are not junk! We are not scrap! And we will not be treated this way!
 * Jack Hammer: I'm sorry. I don't have the parts.
 * Rodney: Well, do you have two washers, and S-spring and some fast-weld? I can fix you easy.
 * [Diesel picks up three voice boxes, a Mufasa voice box; a Sally voice box; and a Dr. Finkelstein voice box, and then puts all of them into his mouth]
 * Diesel: [imitating Mufasa's voice, as he roars like a lion, then to Rodney, who is off camera] You are my son, and the one true king. [imitating Sally's voice, as he grabs his left arm] Gawk! [imitating Dr. Finkelstein's voice] The deadly nightshade you slipped me wore off, Sally! [imitating Sally's voice] Let go! [imitating Dr. Finkelstein's voice] You're not ready for so much excitement! [imitating Sally's voice] Yes, I am! [imitating Dr. Finkelstein's voice] You're coming with ME! [imitating Sally's voice] NO, I'M NOT! [imitating Dr. Finkelstein's voice when he "unstitches" his right arm and falls down to the ground] COME BACK HERE, YOU FOOLISH... OAF! [hits himself in the head several times] OW! OW! OW! [gets up and runs towards the camera, and then screams and breaks the fourth wall] OOOH! *GONE AGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN*!!!!!!!!!! [imitating Mufasa's voice, as he roars like a lion out of anger, then to his Dr. Finkelstein voice] SILENCE!!!

 * Rodney: When was the last time you got oiled?
 * Fender: I really can't say that with my kid sister around here.
 * Piper: Can it, Fender!
 * Rodney: Now, hold still. This might tickle.
 * Fender: We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Fender. It used to be Bumper, but I had to change it when we came into the country.
 * Rodney: Copperbottom. Rodney Copperbottom.
 * Fender: [with a British accent] Riddle me this - why did I meet you among the garbage?
 * Rodney: Well, today, I tried to get in to see Bigweld.
 * [the Rusties all chuckle]
 * Piper: Well, if you find him, tell him we really need him to come back. He cared about bots like us.
 * Crank: Well, what I heard is that they done him in, and they left the rest of us to fall apart.

 * [Rodney and the Rusties make their way to Aunt Fanny's boarding house]
 * Fender: When in Robot City, guests of the Rusties, that's us, stay at Aunt Fanny's boarding house, where our motto is: "Beats rusting outside!" [chuckles, as they walk inside] Let me just let her know you're here. [yelling loudly] AUNT FANNY! [normally] We brought someone.
 * Aunt Fanny: [offscreen] I'm in the kitchen.
 * Rodney: Are you sure your aunt won't mind?
 * Fender: Relax, she's not my aunt. She just takes in bots who are, um… broke. [laughs] Bless her little heart.
 * Rodney: [enters the kitchen] Well then, why is she called Aunt Fanny? [sees Aunt Fanny, who has a really large rear end]
 * Fender: We couldn't call her Aunt Booty.
 * Rodney: [surprised in shock] WHOA!
 * Aunt Fanny: [accidentally hits things with her rear end] Oops! Aw! Oh, scrap!
 * Piper: She's a little artsy-fartsy. The artsy's okay, but when she gets fartsy...
 * Aunt Fanny: Oh, right on my shoes. I'm so clumsy. [notices Rodney] Well, hello there! What's your name?
 * Rodney: [distracted] I'm Rodney Bigbottom. [realizes] No, I'm Rodney Copperbottom! Copperbottom.
 * Aunt Fanny: That's a wonderful name! Bigbottom. [accidentally backs up her rear end on Rodney, smashing him against the wall] What happened to your friend?
 * Fender: He's been rear-ended.
 * Aunt Fanny: [slides her bottom, releasing Rodney] There ya are! [giggles]
 * Fender: [with a southern accent] Aunt Fanny, he needs a place to stay.
 * Aunt Fanny: Well, just make yourself at home.
 * Rodney: Thank you. That's very kind of you.
 * Aunt Fanny: My pleasure! See a need, fill a need.
 * Rodney: Hey, just like Bigweld!
 * Aunt Fanny: Oh, Bigweld. That's a lot of robot! [accidentally smacks Rodney and Fender into a couch]
 * Fender: Come on. You can bunk with me. We'll ignore the gossip.
 * [Fender pulls a lever, shifting the rooms; the first room is Piper's, where she's applying makeup on her face while listening to "(There's Gotta Be) More to Life" by Stacie Orrico]
 * Fender: You missed a spot.
 * Piper: [screams] Fender, get out of my room!
 * Fender: I'm not in your room. [puts his foot in Piper's room] I am now. [pulls it back out] Now, I'm not. [continues putting his foot in and out of Piper's room] I Am. Not. Am. Not...
 * Piper: [sternly] Get out of my room!
 * [Fender pulls the lever, revealing the bathroom where Crank is draining oil]
 * Crank: Oh, man, this is my third oil change today. Something's wrong with me.
 * Fender: Oops. Sorry. [pulls; shifting to his bedroom] Here we are. Home sweet home. What's mine is yours. [his arms fall off] Oh, boy.
 * Rodney: Here, I'll get them.
 * Fender: Oh, look, now they're arm-wrestling. [his arms start wrestling with each other] Would you separate them please? Hurry! My backside itches.

 * Rodney: Hey, Fender.
 * Fender: Hm? [Rodney does armpit noises] YEAH, BABY! LET IT RIP!
 * [Rodney and Fender are doing armpit noises]
 * Crank: Hey, guys, come on. What are you, three years old? This is how a man does it.
 * [Crank does armpit noises]
 * Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, THIS is how you do it.
 * [Piper does armpit noises]
 * Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this!
 * [does a MASSIVE fart; everyone is grossed out]
 * Rodney: Open the window!
 * Piper: Aunt Fanny!
 * [Aunt Fanny finishes farting and sighs with relief]
 * Piper: WE were using our arms!
 * [a Lamppost outside wakes up and sniffs the air]
 * Aunt Fanny: Oh...
 * Piper: Eeeeewwwww!
 * Aunt Fanny: Excuse me.
 * Crank: Ugh, light a match!
 * Lamppost: Lady... please... see a doctor... [the lamppost passes out]

 * [an angry mob of outmodes gathers at the front of Jack Hammer’s store]
 * Jack Hammer: Sorry, folks! All sold out! Nothing but upgrades from here on in!
 * Female Robot: [angry] But I like myself just the way I am! [her light bulb nose breaks] Oh!
 * Male Robot #1: We can't afford upgrades!
 * Male Voice: This is unfair!
 * Male Robot #2: [shouting] Let's get him! [attempts to throw a trashcan, but it is actually a robot]
 * Trashcan Bot: Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what are you doing? Don't throw me! [Rodney and the Rusties join in the commotion] Hey, isn’t that the guy who fixed Fender’s neck?
 * Male Robot #3: Yeah, that guy fixes bots!
 * Jack Hammer: Yeah, that kid can help you!
 * Fender: [to Rodney] Brace yourself, you’re about to get very popular.

 * Toilet Bot: Thanks, Rodney. You're number one!

 * [Ratchet is getting his back massaged]
 * Ratchet: Oh... Oh, yeah... I've never felt so relaxed. Say, do you mind giving me a little scratch between the shoulder blades? [a blade runs along his back] Oh, there ya-- AH! Easy, tiger. Oh! Hey, take it easy! Hey, what are you trying to do, kill--?! [gets up and sees Madame Gasket] AAAAHHH!!
 * Madame Gasket: Relax. It's me, your mommy.
 * Ratchet: How did you get in here?!
 * Madame Gasket: I came up the airshaft. I know you don't like anybody here to see me.
 * Ratchet: Well, what do you want?
 * Madame Gasket: Someone's fixing them!
 * Ratchet: What?
 * Madame Gasket: Someone is repairing outmodes! And they are laughing at you!
 * Ratchet: Who?! And are you sure they're not laughing with me?
 * Madame Gasket: Yes.
 * Ratchet: Oh, so what if one crazy fanatic repairs a few outmodes? Who cares?
 * Madame Gasket: Think. Use those brains I stole for you. Today, it's one. What about tomorrow when everyone gets the idea this is okay? "We can fix ourselves. We don't need upgrades. We want Bigweld." Then what happens to you?!
 * Ratchet: Okay, okay. Take it easy. We've got to find out who this is and stop him.
 * Madame Gasket: Not stop him, crush him! Destroy him! And by the way, I brought you a little something for your desk. [gives Ratchet a picture of her making a cute face in a heart-shaped frame titled "World's Best Mom"]

 * [Rodney and Fender arrive at the Bigweld Ball disguised as rich robots]
 * Tim: Uh, can I help you?
 * Fender: [Spanish accent] I think you maybe-a can. [gestures to Rodney] This is-a Count Roderic Von Brokenzipper! Formally Count Velcro.
 * Tim: Uh, the...
 * Fender: Where are the trumpets?!
 * Tim: The, the, uh...
 * Fender: We were promised trumpets to announce the Count's arrival! [to Rodney] I'm sorry, Your Grace. Beat me until you're happy. [Rodney slaps Fender across the face] He's happy. And I'm not feeling to bad myself.
 * Tim: Ahem. Let me see, uh... You're not on the list.
 * Fender: We're what?! Once again. [Rodney slaps Fender again] Ow! Thank you. [to Tim] Fine! We will go! You will explain to your superiors why were not able to attend your little luau, your barn dance, whatever it is! But we're leaving! In a huff! [he and Rodney prepare to leave]
 * Tim: No, no! No, no. Please, go right in. In fact, would the Count like to hit me?
 * Fender: The Count hit you? The arrogance of some people. I will hit you on his behalf. [smacks Tim off his booth]
 * Tim: Thank you, Your Grace.

 * Ratchet: We now come to the point of the evening where I have the tremendous honor of introducing our beloved founder, Mr. Bigweld... who unfortunately is unable to attend.
 * Rodney: What?!
 * Ratchet: He sends his apologies, his love... in a small box of assorted cookies.
 * Rodney: Not coming?!
 * Ratchet: And what are you doing here?
 * Rodney: [enraged] What have you done with Bigweld?! [the crowd gasps] How come we don't see him anymore, huh?!
 * Ratchet: Okay. [over his radio] Security, we have a party crasher.
 * Rodney: Yeah, that's right! [angrily begins to take off his disguise] And I had to put all this junk on in order to get in here, so that I could tell Bigweld that you are outmoding millions of bots! And I know, 'cause I spent all day fixin' em! [furiously slams his metal jacket on the floor, revealing himself]
 * Ratchet: [realizing] You!
 * [Ratchet's security guards grab Rodney]
 * Rodney: Caw-caw! Caw-caw!
 * [Fender is busy dancing with Loretta until he hears Rodney's signal]
 * Fender: My darling, that is the cry of the deep doo-doo bird! I must fly! [dashes away]
 * Ratchet: Take him for a drive and bring me back his exact weight in paper clips!
 * Cappy: No!
 * Ratchet: "No?!"
 * Cappy: I'll escort him out. [whispers] You don't want to look bad in front of your people, do you?
 * Ratchet: Hmm, good point.
 * Cappy: And when I get back, I'll show my casual, fun-loving side.
 * Ratchet: [chuckles] Oh, you...

 * Fender: [singing] I'm singing in the oil / I'm singing in the oil / After all that work and toil / I'm just slipping in the oil / I know where I've been sent / I'm covered in lubricant... My life has been turned around. From now on, I'm a winner! [Gets captured by the Sweeper] Wait a minute; you can't do this to me! I'm alive! [singing voice] Help!

 * [Rodney is ringing the doorbell to Bigweld's penthouse]
 * Cappy: Okay, we tried. Let's get outta here.
 * Rodney: No, no, no, something's up. Look at all these newspapers and this mail.
 * Cappy: Oh, come on. They probably stopped delivering these years ago.
 * Postman: [off-screen] Paper! [Cappy gets hit with a paper. Wonderbot laughs it off then gets hit as well] Late edition.
 * Rodney: You said something?
 * Cappy: [shows Rodney a newspaper with his face plastered on it. The headline says 'BAD BOT BUSTS BALL'.] Nice one of you.

 * Rodney: [as the dominoes are falling in Bigweld's workshop] This is much more elaborate than the ones on his show.

 * Bigweld: [to Rodney] Son, let me give you a good piece of advice.
 * Rodney: Yes?
 * Bigweld: Give up.
 * Rodney: [shocked] What? You're telling me to quit?
 * Bigweld: I said "give up", but "quit" works just as good.
 * Rodney: Is that what you did? Is that why you're sitting here, letting Ratchet turn robots like my father into outmodes?
 * Bigweld: Kid, sometimes you just gotta know when you're licked.
 * Rodney: But you're Bigweld. You can fix anything!
 * Bigweld: Hmm. I used to think so. To me, having the company was all about making life better. With Ratchet, it was making money that came first. I became old-fashioned. An outmode. Go home, kid! If he beat me, he's gonna beat you!
 * Rodney: But...
 * Bigweld: [angrily] The world you're looking for no longer exists! You missed it! Find some other foolish dream! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very, very... very, uh, busy.
 * Rodney: Yeah, I can see that. [to Cappy] All I ever wanted was to grow up to be like him.

 * Rodney: I met Mr. Bigweld, but he's not like himself.

 * Bigweld: [bursting through the head office door] RATCHET! [Ratchet screams in a high pitch] I'll come right directly to the point!
 * Ratchet: What happened? Run out of dominoes? I'll send you some more!
 * Bigweld: You're fired!
 * Ratchet: Fired? On what grounds? This company's never been more profitable!
 * Bigweld: Profits, schmofits! Now, get out!
 * Ratchet: No, wait! Please listen to me! You can't do this to me! This job is my LIFE! It means everything to me! You don't know what I've done to get here! The lies I've told! The lives I've ruined! [realizes] This isn't helping me.
 * Bigweld: [off-screen] I'll call the security!
 * [cut to Bigweld calling the operator on his intercom mic]
 * Bigweld: [into an intercom mic as if it were a telephone] Hello! Give me the security!
 * Ratchet: No, wait! Please! Can't I just make one more heartfelt plea?
 * Bigweld: Okay, what do you wanna say?
 * Ratchet: [Pounds Bigweld on the head with the intercom mic, knocking him out] THAT! Oh, my gosh, I'm as crazy as my mother!
 * [Bigweld groans, but Ratchet hits him again]

 * Rodney: Mr. Bigweld, are you okay?
 * Bigweld: I'm the prettiest girl at the Harvest Moon Ball!
 * Rodney: I'll take that as a "no"!

 * Bigweld: [sings in a deep distorted voice while being repaired by Rodney, a la HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey] Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer-
 * Rodney: Okay, got it!
 * Bigweld: Rodney! What's going on? Where are we?
 * Rodney: It's okay, you're alright!

 * [Bigweld has been taken hostage by Madame Gasket and is a few steps away from being incinerated]
 * Bigweld: Gasket, you're a sick, twisted, evil robot.
 * Madame Gasket: [flattered, in a sing-song voice and fluttering her eyelashes] I try.

 * Madame Gasket: Who are these losers?
 * Fender: We, sir...
 * Madame Gasket: I'm a woman.
 * Crank: Ouch.
 * Fender: [Scottish accent] We've come to rescue our friend, you evil bucket of bolts, and you shall be defeated by the very outmodes that you scorn and detest!
 * Crank: 'Cause there's seven of us and only one of...
 * [hundreds of minions appear from behind Madame Gasket]
 * Fender: Let's see, there's seven of us and... eight? Nine?
 * Crank: Did you count that one?
 * Fender: I think so. Will you all quit moving around?! It's so frustrating! I think I counted one of you twice!
 * Madame Gasket: While you're at it, count these!
 * [Ratchet's new outmode bot destroying machines come into view with Ratchet sitting on top of one of them]
 * Madame Gasket: As soon as we're done with you, these hit the streets!
 * Ratchet: This will be the last day any outmode will ever see!

 * [Piper has just showed up unexpectedly to help the others fight Madame Gasket and her minions]
 * Piper: Did I miss the butt whupping?
 * Everyone: Uh... no.
 * Crank: As a matter of fact, you're a little bit early.

 * Tin Man: Now I know I've got a heart, because it's aching.
 * [suddenly, way up high in the sky, the ghost of the Mufasa voice box appears before the crowd, as the Tin Man looks up, and then sees it in amazement]
 * Mufasa voice box: [to the Tin Man] Remember who you are. Remember.

 * [Herb is doing a poor job of playing the instrument Rodney gave him]
 * Crank: Well, there goes our happy ending.
 * Fender: No, it’s a fusion of jazz and funk. It’s called junk.

 * Tim: I'm on the list! Don't you know who I am?!

Ending: Shine by Ricky Fanté

 * Ricky Fanté: When the world counts you out / When you're lost and you doubt / That you're good enough. / When you out on your own and you're feeling all alone / Just keep hanging on. / Cause it don't matter what you're made of / Believe in yourself / And keep your head up, yeah! / Don't you know that you can / Shine / Shine / Shine / And together we will / Shine / Shine / Shine / Be strong and you will shine shine shine / Shine onnnnn / Shine on! / Sometimes life isn't fair / Seems like nobody cares about you anymore / Well as hard as it seems nothing is out of reach / All is possible / Cause it don't matter what you're made of / Believe in yourself and keep your head up / Shine like a star cuz that's the way you are baby / Shine like a star cuz that's the way you really are baby / Cause it don't matter what's you're made of / Believe in yourself and keep your head up! / Cause it don't matter where you came from / You can do anything / Just try, try, try / Don't you know...... / Chorus!

Taglines

 * You can shine no matter what you're made of.
 * The biggest comedy ever assembled!
 * Repair for adventure!

Cast

 * Ewan McGregor — Rodney Copperbottom
 * Halle Berry — Cappy
 * Robin Williams — Fender Pinwheeler
 * Greg Kinnear — Phineas T. Ratchet
 * Mel Brooks — Mr. Bigweld
 * Amanda Bynes — Piper Pinwheeler
 * Drew Carey — Crank Casey
 * James Broadbent — Madame Gasket
 * Stanley Tucci — Herb Copperbottom
 * James Earl Jones — Mufasa voice box (Voice Box at Hardware Store #1)
 * Catherine O'Hara — Sally voice box (Voice Box at Hardware Store #2)
 * William Hickey — Dr. Finkelstein voice box (Voice Box at Hardware Store #3)
 * Dianne Wiest — Lydia Copperbottom
 * Jennifer Coolidge — Aunt Fanny
 * Paul Giamatti — Tim the Gate Guard
 * Dan Hedaya — Mr. Gunk
 * Jay Leno — Fire Hydrant
 * Natasha Lyonne — Loretta Geargrinder
 * Harland Williams — Lugnut
 * Stephen Tobolowsky — Bigmouth Executive, Forge
 * Chris Wedge — Wonderbot, Phone Booth

title: Robots (2005 film)