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The 40-Year-Old Virgin

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is a 2005 film about a man who has never had sex before. His friends force help upon him once they find out.
 * Directed by Judd Apatow. Written by Judd Apatow and Steve Carell.

Better late than never.

Andy

 * I'm a virgin. I always have been.
 * I've borked a lot of women in my day.
 * Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
 * I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it.

David

 * [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist.
 * [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the Doppler Radar.
 * [Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.
 * [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

Cal

 * [about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.
 * [about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...
 * Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
 * Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.
 * [To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool and three, be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".
 * [after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Jay

 * All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches."
 * You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal.
 * From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
 * You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named 'Pussalia' and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into to thinking that it's some impossible feat.
 * Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg.

Mooj

 * This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you?  Well fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, (points at Andy, Cal and Jay) fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass okay!
 * I will pray for your cock.
 * Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?

Haziz

 * So, tell me Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al Qaeda?
 * [While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.

Dialogue

 * Jay: Dude, are you gay?
 * Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
 * Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
 * Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.

 * Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
 * Andy: I'm 40.
 * Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
 * Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
 * Mooj: It's not about fucking and balls and pussy. It's about love.
 * [Andy sighs]
 * Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
 * Andy: [Nodding] It's all about connections.
 * Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about cock and ass and tits.
 * Andy: [Uncomfortable] Hm-hmm.
 * Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
 * Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
 * Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice cocktails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
 * Andy: [Agitatedly] Okay. I, y'know, double pussies and--
 * Mooj: Shit stained balls, and cum swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator fuck house, |donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
 * Andy: Mooj, just please stop.

 * [Cal and David are playing video games at Andy's home]
 * Cal: So you're gay, now?
 * David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
 * Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation... of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this and then in a year it's like, "You know... "I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys. " And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now."
 * Cal: You're gay for saying that.
 * David: I'm gay for saying that?
 * Cal: You're gay now?
 * David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
 * Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
 * David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.
 * Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
 * David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
 * Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How?
 * David: You like Coldplay. You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How?
 * David: You like the movie; Maid in Manhattan.
 * Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
 * David: How?
 * Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
 * David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
 * Cal: That's gay?
 * David: [Gets killed in video game] God damn it!
 * Andy: You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
 * Cal: Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Cal: That's fucked up, man.
 * Andy: Why? Why?
 * Cal: Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
 * Andy: So what?
 * Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
 * Andy: It's all right.
 * Cal: Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
 * Andy: It's Oscar Goldman.
 * Cal: Why do you have that?
 * Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
 * Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
 * Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
 * Cal: I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
 * Andy: They did not laugh at me.
 * Cal: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
 * Andy: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
 * Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

 * Beth: Can I help you?
 * Andy: [following Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] I don't know. Can you?
 * Beth: Are you looking for something?
 * Andy: Is there something I should be looking for?
 * Beth: We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.
 * Andy: What do you like?
 * Beth: We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.
 * Andy: Do you like to "do it yourself"?
 * Beth: Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.
 * Andy: How is the mood striking you now?
 * [they both laugh]
 * Beth: What's your name?
 * Andy: What's your name?
 * Beth: I'm Beth.
 * Andy: Andy.
 * Beth: Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
 * Andy: I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.

 * Jill: Are you Andy?
 * Andy: Uhh, yeah.
 * Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
 * Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card.
 * Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
 * Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
 * Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
 * Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
 * Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho... for show.
 * Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
 * Andy: Who the--Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
 * Jill: That's how you talk?
 * Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, fuck it!
 * Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
 * Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
 * Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
 * Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
 * Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.

 * Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
 * Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.
 * Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended
 * Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.
 * Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
 * Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.
 * Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.
 * Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
 * Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
 * Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
 * Mooj: I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
 * Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
 * Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
 * Jay: Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
 * Mooj: Hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand-nigger, okay?
 * Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
 * Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!
 * Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
 * Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
 * Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.
 * [They hug; Jay leaves]

 * David: Andy! Andy, come on. We were just kidding!
 * Andy: Pointless.
 * David: Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin. Don't be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.
 * Andy: Get away from me, David.
 * David: Wait a minute.
 * Andy: Stop following me!
 * David: Hold up.
 * Andy: Hold on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.
 * David: You don't have to quit your job.
 * Andy: You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.
 * David: Fine.
 * Andy: Okay? I don't need your help.
 * David: Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.
 * Andy: You know what?! I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them! I have a very fulfilling life [Montage of flashbacks] [Painting a toy soldier of a Zouave] And now I am going to make your silver pants blue. [Playing video game] Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! [Karaoke] Now, pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you. [Laughing at a comic book in bed] Oh, my God!

 * Jay: [at the Date-a-Palooza] What are you whining about?! You asked for this shit!
 * Andy: No, I didn't!
 * Jay: Will you just quit whining like a bitch?!
 * Andy: I'm not whining like a bitch!
 * Jay: You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.
 * Andy: I don't want to cram pimpage.
 * Jay: And after that... you on my level. Come on.
 * Cal: Just ask questions.
 * Andy: This is a bad idea.

 * David: Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?
 * Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked, please. It's so creepy.
 * David: Let's go to Paris. I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
 * Amy: Cut it out!
 * David: Cut what out?! Let's go to Paris!
 * Amy: We've been broken up for like two years, man! I don't want to date you anymore!
 * David: You're a whore!
 * Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
 * David: This is so us!
 * Amy: Psycho talk!
 * David: What?!

 * Gina: You're a good-looking man.
 * Andy: Thank you.
 * Gina: Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. You're real feminine, you know, which is good for me... because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back. You game?
 * Andy: No.

 * Cal: You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.
 * Amy: I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number. He's practically stalking me.
 * Cal: Well, I didn't know all that! So, I'm sorry!

 * Cal: You suppose he's had enough? Spank bank has once again been filled. I'll tell you who's the hottest. You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina. Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina all week. You know what's a fun game?
 * Andy: Huh?
 * Cal: You take three Excedrin PMs... and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. [Sighs] You always win is the best part about the game.

 * Andy: Hey, what you watching?
 * Jay: Dawn of the Dead, man.
 * Andy: Great.
 * Jay: The store is slow.
 * Andy: Paula's gone.
 * Jay: Yo, is Paula back?
 * Andy: No. She's not here.
 * Jay: She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?
 * Andy: I know. Can I ask you something in confidence? I know this is gonna sound weird. Am I good-looking? Do you think a woman will find me attractive?
 * [Zombie snarls on TV]
 * Andy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, the blood just... Okay, never mind.
 * Jay: Wait, Andy. Hold up.
 * Andy: Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.
 * Jay: Are you ready for my honest answer?
 * Andy: Yes.
 * Jay: Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat. I don't think that anybody knows it... and I don't think anybody can see it.
 * Andy: Well, that's why I'm asking you.
 * Jay: You seem really well-groomed and really put together. I mean, look, dude. You think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough. You willing to make some sacrifices?
 * Andy: Absolutely.
 * Jay: You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there? You need to wax that right out.
 * Andy: Does it hurt?
 * Jay: No. Waxing don't hurt. I mean, not unless you're a bitch. You know what I mean? It didn't hurt me. I get it done all the time.

 * Jay: No, it's gonna be good. It's is gonna be good. Cool. This the one right here, right?
 * Andy: Hi, how are you?
 * Beautician: So this is your first time getting body waxed?
 * Andy: Yes, it is.
 * Beautician: Take off your shirt.
 * Andy: Okay.
 * Beautician: We're gonna need more wax.
 * Jay: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
 * Beautician: And clear all my appointments in the afternoon. Here we go.
 * Andy: [She applies wax to him] That feels warm.
 * David: I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
 * Cal: She starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here.
 * Jay: You gonna look good after this, man.
 * Andy: Thanks, man.
 * Beautician: So, ready?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Beautician: Ich. Ni. San.
 * Andy: [Screams] You fucker! I'm sorry. That's just your job.
 * Beautician: You want me to stop now?
 * Andy: No. It's okay. Let's do another one.
 * Jay: That one little patch looks sexy though.
 * Andy: Does it look good?
 * Cal: Yeah, it looks really good.
 * [Andy Exclaims]
 * David: It looks man-tastic.
 * Andy: Okay. Wow! I didn't expect that at all. I really didn't expect that.
 * Jay: You got it. The first one is the only one that hurts.
 * Andy: Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep. Okay.
 * Beautician: You ready?
 * Andy: Yup.
 * Beautician: [Applies wax and strip] Ich, ni, san. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Screams] Sucker motherfucker! You shithead! I hate you! I hate you so much! That one hurt. That one hurt just as much as the first one.
 * David: That's great, man.
 * Andy: Man! [Exhales]
 * Beautician: One, two, three. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Exclaims] Fuck me! In the asshole! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really don't swear this much.
 * Jay: You know what, I got a weak stomach. That's all I can really take. I'll see ya'll.
 * Andy: Jay.
 * Jay: Be tough, Andy, you got it.
 * Andy: Where did Jay go?
 * David: He went to throw up.
 * Beautician: Ready?
 * Andy: Yup.
 * Beautician: One, two. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Exclaims] Cocksucker motherfucker! You pulled on two. Why didn't you pull on three? [Montage of rip aways] Freddy pie hole...! [Andy exclaiming in Spanish]... No...! Kelly Clarkson...! [Screams] [Screams]
 * Jay: Ya'll done or ya'll... That's fucked up.
 * Andy: Oh, shit falls!
 * Beautician: That's fucked up.
 * Andy: I hate you. Stop smiling, you jerk!
 * Beautician: You pussy.
 * Andy: Oh, God. What's next? You're doing the nipple.
 * Cal: Not the nipple. Come on.
 * David: Not the nipple.
 * Andy: Please, Cal, hold my hand.
 * Cal: You kidding me, man?
 * Andy: Hold my goddamn hand, man. Do it! Just hold. Okay, here we go.
 * Beautician: Ready?
 * Andy: No. Yup.
 * Beautician: One, two, three. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Screams] Nipple fuck! Mika, you should burn in hell! Okay, all right. No, seriously, I think I'm done. I think we're done. I think that's good. [Gets off table] You know what, guys... this is not a good look for me!
 * David: You look like a man-o'- lantern.
 * Andy: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. [Walks out of the room]
 * Beautician: You're welcome.

 * Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
 * Andy: I'm a virgin.
 * Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
 * Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
 * Cal: Then you punch her in the fuckin' head if she laughs!
 * Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
 * Cal: No, you punch her in the fuckin' head emotionally.

 * Operator: Hotline.
 * Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
 * Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
 * Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
 * Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
 * Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
 * Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
 * Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
 * Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
 * Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
 * Operator: You know, you could have sex.
 * Andy: Okay. Yup.
 * Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
 * Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
 * Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
 * Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
 * Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
 * Andy: Really? That'd work?
 * Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
 * Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
 * Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
 * Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
 * Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
 * Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.

 * Andy: God, you know, it's so funny, I work right across the street... and I've never been in this place.
 * Trish: Really? Where at?
 * Andy: Yeah. The "We Sell Your Stuff On eBay" store.
 * Trish: Yes.
 * Andy: And that's the name?
 * Trish: Yeah, I was looking for something... you know, obvious. So I chose that.
 * Andy: I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
 * Trish: Well, I take the stuff that you don't want... and then I "sell" it on eBay.
 * Andy: But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
 * Trish: No. I don't.
 * Andy: So why do you have a store?
 * Trish: I don't know.
 * Andy: No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional... and not like a crazy person who's just gonna steal all your shit.
 * Trish: Sure.
 * Andy: I didn't mean anything by that.
 * Trish: No, it's okay. You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know... see it for yourself, check it out.
 * Andy: I'll check out your empty store. Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
 * Trish: Here's my number. So...
 * Andy: All right. So, just anytime. Why do I need your number if you're across the street, though?
 * Trish: I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy.
 * Andy: I just... Sorry. Just giving it to you. So I'll write you up, and I'll meet you over at the register.
 * Trish: Okay.
 * Andy: And check you out... Check out.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Trish: [phone rings] Hello?
 * Andy: Hey, how you doing?
 * Trish: Um... how you doing?
 * Andy: I'm well.
 * Trish: Who is this?
 * Andy: This is... James.
 * [hits himself with the phone]
 * Trish: James? Do I know you, James?
 * Andy: [stammering] I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
 * Trish: Are you a telemarketer, James?
 * Andy: Yep.
 * Trish: Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?
 * Andy: Okay.
 * Trish: All right, I'll see you later, James.
 * Andy: Nice to talk to you.
 * Trish: Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
 * [hangs up]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Andy and Marla are in the support group meeting with a counselor]
 * Counselor: Now, you're all here... because you're interested in obtaining birth control. Any questions?
 * Alabama father: Here's a cute story. I came home the other day... and he is with his girlfriend in my marital bed... doing things that are illegal in Alabama. Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?
 * Counselor: Did you have a question?
 * Father: How do I get my wife to do that?
 * Counselor: Does anybody else have a question?
 * Black father: My daughter is, for lack of a better word... dumb. How do I stop her menstrual cycle?
 * Counselor: You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle?
 * Black father: I want to stop it, maybe just for a few years.
 * Counselor: Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. Does anybody else have a question?
 * Andy: I have a question. I think some of the people here might be sexually inexperienced. Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
 * Counselor: Is that a serious question?
 * Andy: No. It wasn't.
 * Counselor: Okay. Now, there are a lot of activities that you can engage in... without having sex that are both fun and safe.
 * Andy: What sort of activities? I think... everybody wants to know about the activities.
 * Counselor: Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer-course.
 * Marla: Outer-course? What's that?
 * Andy: Yeah, what is that?
 * Counselor: Outer-course is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse.
 * Alabama boy: I prefer vaginal intercourse.
 * Alabama father: [Chuckles] He really does.
 * Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
 * Andy: You could dry hump.
 * Counselor: There is masturbation.
 * Andy: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
 * Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
 * Andy: Play with a friend.
 * Counselor: Deep kissing. There is erotic massage.
 * Andy: That sounds like it would be nice.
 * Counselor: Oral sex play.
 * Seth: Sounds like my Friday night.
 * Seth's father: Shut up, Seth. We went to temple.
 * Counselor: Okay, are there any virgins here... who are thinking about having sex for the first time? [Marla raises her hand and entire support group snickers] Oh.
 * Seth: Wait. So you're a virgin? [Snickers] I'd tap that.
 * Seth's father: Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"? Seth, what, you think you're cool with your little Jew fro? We don't say, "tap that." What are you talking about, Seth?
 * Andy: You know what, I'm a virgin, too.
 * [Support group laughs]
 * Black boy: That's... We're virgins, too.
 * Black boy's father: Yeah. [They high-five]
 * Andy: No, you know what, it's a personal choice... and I don't think it's weird at all.
 * Black boy's father: You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
 * Andy: That's the second time I've heard that. What is the "pussy on a pedestal" thing?
 * Marla: Okay, I can't listen to anymore of this, 'cause it's making me sick. So, bye.
 * Andy: You can get this information on your website, right?
 * Counselor: Yes.
 * Andy: Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
 * Counselor: Any other questions?
 * Seth: Do you have any extra-large condoms?
 * Seth's father: Seth, you got a tiny penis. [Sighs]

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
 * Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
 * Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
 * Andy: It's going to happen.
 * Beth: That's why we are here.
 * Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
 * Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
 * Andy: But, if I want to what?
 * Beth: Butt.
 * Andy: But what? What?
 * Beth: Do it.
 * Andy: Do it?
 * Beth: What?
 * Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Beth: Butt.
 * Andy: But, what?
 * Beth: What?
 * Andy: But, it still feels so right.

Taglines

 * Better Late Than Never
 * The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets

Cast

 * Steve Carell - Andy
 * Catherine Keener - Trish
 * Paul Rudd - David
 * Romany Malco - Jay
 * Seth Rogen - Cal
 * Kat Dennings - Marla
 * Jane Lynch - Paula
 * Gerry Bednob - Mooj
 * Shelly Malil - Haziz
 * Leslie Mann - Nicky
 * Elizabeth Banks - Beth
 * Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer
 * Kevin Hart - Smart Tech Customer

title: The 40-Year-Old Virgin


text:
A Mighty Wind

A Mighty Wind is a 2003 mockumentary about a folk music reunion concert and the three bands involved. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Guest.
 * Directed by Christopher Guest. Written by Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy.

'''Back Together for the First Time... Again'''

Mitch Cohen

 * Seeing these long lines of fans who want nothing more than to have you sign an autograph, it's like it's 1968... Or '67... Or '66.
 * You know, 35 years ago, preparing for a concert meant playing "find the cobra" with the hotel chambermaid.
 * I feel ready for whatever the experience is that we will... take with us after the show. I'm sure it will be... an adventure... a voyage on this... magnificent vessel... into unchartered waters! What if we see sailfish... jumping... and flying across the magnificent orb of a setting sun?

Mickey Crabbe
[No one can find Mitch]
 * Why didn't somebody follow him? Is there a cockfight arena near here?
 * Then there's the kids - we're hearing: "You rock... you rock me... you rock my world!" What?
 * He could be lying face down in a ditch! Wouldn't be the first time!

Jonathan Steinbloom

 * (referring to his mother) You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know.
 * Before we begin tonight's performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I'd like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight's performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don't eat 'em and don't become entangled in them or trip, please.

Laurie Bohner

 * We are Winc. W-I-N-C. Witches In Nature's Colors
 * Terry and I worship an unconventional deity. The power of another dimension. Now you are not going to read about this dimension in a book or a magazine because it exists nowhere... but in my own mind. Through our ceremonies and rituals we have witnessed the awesome and vibratory power... of color.
 * I learned to play the ukulele in one of my last films, "Not-So-Tiny Tim".

Terry Bohner

 * There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.
 * This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store.
 * No, ladies and gentlemen, we don't ride around on broomsticks and wear pointy hats. Well, we don't ride on broomsticks.

Mike Lafontaine

 * As you know, back in nineteen seventy mrrphph, I starred on a series called "Wha' Happened?", and every time something would go wrong, I would look at the camera and say, "Hey, wha' happened?" We had a lot of fun with that and a lot of other catchphrases: "I've got a weal wed wagon!", and, uh, "I can't do my wuurrrk!" And I believe I was the first one to use the phrase, "I don't think so!"  But it only lasted a year, and that's good, because that's how you establish a cult...
 * I'd worked some bills with a few Folkies, you know, 'Put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him, put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him.' I used to say, 'if he's got a long enough hose, he's gonna make a lot of friends in the shower room.' Heh, heh, heh. Folk audiences hated that joke.
 * To paraphrase an old joke... Knock, knock. Who's there? It's the New Main Street Singers!

Other

 * Amber Cole: [referring to her working relationship with Wally Fenton] We work together very well. It's almost as like we have one brain that we share between us.

 * Mark Shubb: To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.

Dialogue

 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Alright, here's your giant banjo...
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Um-hmm. It's very flat.
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, it doesn't look flat from in the audience.
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: It has basically, no dimension to it.
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, it's painted to look three dimensional. If you go back there, trust me...
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: But it's not painted on the back. I'm looking ot the back right now. Will you look with me for a minute?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Why would it be... From the audience it's gonna look perfectly fine. And It looks three dimensional. Just go out there and take a peek.
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Well, is this the real furniture or is this the rehearsal furniture?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, A it's not called furniture. It's a set.
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Uh-huhh...
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: And it's painted this way. It looks completely three dimensional from the audience, if you just go out that way, Mr. Steinbloom.
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: So this is the real furniture, and this is... Is this an actual street lamp?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: I'm sure it was at one time.
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Can you have an actual three dimensional object that's represents the thing that it actually is, can that be next to something that it's pretending to be? Would that be okay?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Yes, it's perfectly fine. You know, I really don't have time to explain Stagecraft 101. This show starts in an hour. Now, every... everything is exactly the way you...
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: And what are tho... what's tha... that... Those are lights hanging up there?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: Yes, those are lights...
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Could they fall?
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: ...and that's a ceiling above us!
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: But they look shaky.
 * Lawrence E. Turpin: No, they're not shaky, they're perfectly...
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Is that wire? I see a wire. I see a...
 * [Lawrence smacks him on the head]
 * Jonathan Steinbloom: Oww!

 * Leonard Crabbe: I'm a model train enthusiast.
 * Amber Cole: Oh! That's great!
 * [chuckles]
 * Leonard Crabbe: Yes... sort of a whole layout in my basement. Very much a big passion for me, 'tis.
 * Amber Cole: Yeah. Thank God for model trains.
 * Leonard Crabbe: Oh, absolutely.
 * Amber Cole: You know, if they didn't have the model train, they wouldn't have gotten the idea for the big trains.

 * Leonard Crabbe: [Leonard shows Mitch his model trains] This whole area here is called Crabbe Town. We've got a brothel down there above the saloon. And right down there further along I'm thinking of building a French Quarter. I've actually got a bit of French blood.
 * Mitch Cohen: I would love to see this town in the autumn. I think Crabbeville in autumn would look quite magnificent. I would have made tiny little leaves, oak, poplar, maple, chestnut, and spread them across the town of Crabbe...ville. Magnificent.
 * Leonard Crabbe: It's Crabbe Town, not Crabbeville.

 * [Members of "The Folksmen" are talking about their first record]
 * Alan Barrows: And they had no hole in the center of the record.
 * Mark Shubb: It would teeter crazily on the little spindle.
 * Jerry Palter: No, you had to provide it yourself. They were still good records. Good product.
 * Mark Shubb: If you punched a hole in them, you'd have a good time.

 * Jerry Palter: Things have been going really well. We got some gigs here, working at the casinos. It has been a time of changes, but change is good. Change is life.
 * [camera pulls out to reveal Mark Shubb dressed as a woman]
 * Mark Shubb: It was like a great big door opening for me... Town Hall... after that concert, I realized I wanted to spend as much of the rest of my life as possible playing folk music with these gentlemen...
 * Jerry Palter: Right back atcha.
 * Mark Shubb: ...and I wanted to spend all of it as a woman. I came to a realization that I was - and am - a blonde, female folk singer trapped in the body of a bald, male folk singer and I had to LET ME OUT or I WOULD DIE.
 * Jerry Palter: When you put it that way, it's almost poetry.
 * Alan Barrows: Almost.

Cast

 * Eugene Levy - Mitch Cohen
 * Catherine O'Hara - Mickey Crabbe
 * Bob Balaban - Jonathan Steinbloom
 * Harry Shearer - Mark Shubb

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: A Mighty Wind


text:
User talk:Thecapitalizt

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 21:46, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
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The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

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title: User talk:Thecapitalizt


text:
Little Gamers

Little Gamers is a webcomic created and illustrated by Christian Fundin, who was later joined by Pontus Madsen, who now is the writer. It's among the most popular webcomics currently online. It debuted on December 1, 2000, The strip features the two creators and other characters.

Mr. Madsen

 * I've got a... Uh... Uh... Oh yeah, a pornographic memory!
 * "Super powers", 2000-12-15

 * I had a cat once. It tasted like chicken... What? I was hungry and the store was, like, closed.
 * "Hungry", 2001-01-07

 * "The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope". I must confess that I don't see what the fuss is about... He's just a regular human being like the rest of us. And besides I don't believe in God and all that religious stuff. I believe in myself instead. [pause] I'm going to hell for saying that huh?
 * "Double standards", 2005-04-04

Christian

 * [to Marcus] You lie to your inflatable doll!!?
 * "Inflatable freak #1", 2000-12-11

 * Do I look like a fucking people person?
 * "Camp Freak #2", 2000-12-27

 * You call placing duct tape with sticky side up on the floor with cheese on it a mouse trap?
 * "Mouse Trap?", 2001-01-30

Marcus

 * I'm afraid we have a lunatic on our hands... Look he's doing it again! That same man from yesterday just drove by and threw a newspaper at our porch!
 * "Freak 2001", 2001-01-02

 * So, you heard about the guy that got sent to jail for sharing Daredevil with Bittorrent? Serves him right, spreading filth like that...
 * "Dare the devil", 2005-11-07

 * "Before you can love others, you must first love yourself". If you all excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom so hold all my calls.
 * "Love yourself", 2005-08-12

 * Should we tell him that "zapatista" has nothing to do with "Frank Zappa"?
 * "Zappa, Ya Basta!", 2005-06-22

Other

 * SYSTEM ERROR - smash your head against the keyboard to continue.
 * "Computer style", 2001-01-04

 * SHIT HAS HAPPENED - (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (G)ET A BEER?
 * "Computer Style #4", 2001-01-19

 * Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
 * "Computer style #3", 2001-01-16

Dialogue

 * Marcus: You know all those other game comics are gonna kick our ass, don't you? They have cool characters, good jokes and stories.
 * Christian: No way. They can own the world for what I care, we're still gonna get the chicks.
 * Marcus: Why?
 * Christian: Cause we're cute.
 * From "Cute", 2000-12-08

 * Marcus: Why don't you like people? What's wrong with you? I mean, not all people are annoying...
 * Christian: Yeah you're right, some are dead.
 * From "People", 2000-12-20

 * Marcus: Damn that chick's sister is butt ugly. If she was the last female on earth I would cease to exist because of her uglyness.
 * Christian: But, you did her last friday!
 * From "You did her!", 2000-12-21

 * Christian: Guys guys, we're on GameSpy.Com
 * Marcus: Do they have pr0n?
 * Some guy: Do they have booze?
 * Mr. Madsen: Game-what?
 * Christian: The largest gaming network on the web. And no they don't have pr0n or booze.
 * Marcus: No pr0n? Screw 'em.
 * Some guy: No booze? Screw 'em.
 * Mr. Madsen: Do they have linedancing midgets dreesed in yellow Bruce Lee spandexsuits?
 * Christian: No they don't have midgets dres... Hey?
 * From "Gamespy's midgets", 2001-01-08

title: Little Gamers


text:
Kingdom Hearts (series)

Kingdom Hearts is a action role-playing game franchise, made by Buena Vista Games (formerly Disney Interactive) and Square Enix (formerly Squaresoft). It is a crossover of "alternate" Disney universes set in a multiverse made specifially for the series. A number of Final Fantasy characters make an appearance in the series, as well.

Games

 * Kingdom Hearts
 * Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep
 * Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
 * Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days
 * Kingdom Hearts II
 * Kingdom Hearts: Coded
 * Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance
 * Kingdom Hearts III

title: Kingdom Hearts (series)


text:
User talk:Seelenschmerz~enwikiquote

-- Psy guy 03:01, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
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The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Seelenschmerz. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Seelenschmerz~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:35, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
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title: User talk:Seelenschmerz~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Alfoor~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 04:54, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Alfoor. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Alfoor~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

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Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:17, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:41, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Alfoor~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Bakazuki~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 05:06, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

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Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Bakazuki. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Bakazuki~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

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Renamed
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title: User talk:Bakazuki~enwikiquote


text:
Talk:Enoch Powell

I'm not entirely sure the "Pakis are scum" quote is accurate. Any chance of a cite?

I agree, too working class in tone.

"Poor Enoch, driven mad by the remorselessness of his own logic." is the accurate quote. Said by Iain Macleod to the political columnist Alan Watkins. Often mistakenly attributed to MacMillan. Is it ok to change this?

Unsourced

 * Yes, I am a virus. I am the virus that kills socialists.
 * Replying to Harold Wilson's conference speech where he attacked "the virus of Powellism" (1 October, 1968).

 * Judas was paid! Judas was paid! I am making a sacrifice!
 * Powell reacting to a heckler's cry of "Judas!" in a speech in Shipley where he told the audience to vote Labour (25 February, 1974).

I do not know how to use wikiquote, but you can find evidence to support this quotation here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGkAou2uqBA I assume this should now be moved to the fully accessible page.

 * I have never seen such a disgraceful display of pharisaical handwashing in my whole life. (on Thatcher's government's statements in the Commons about violence in Ulster in April 1986)

 * Most people are. The only change is that is has become a term of abuse... I just don't like America or Americans. It is like saying you like sugar in your tea. De gustibus non est disputandum.
 * When asked whether he was anti-American (1986)

 * Britain's fondness for America has turned this country into something horribly resembling a satellite of the United States.
 * 1983

 * A party is not the private property of its leader.
 * 1973

 * Often when I am kneeling down in church, I think to myself how much we should thank God, the Holy Ghost, for the gift of capitalism.
 * 1968

 * Toryism is about enjoyment.
 * 1966

 * Hospital building is not like pyramid building, the erection of memorials to endure to a remote posterity.
 * 1961

 * A politician complaining about the media is like a fisherman complaining about the sea.

 * I will not surrender responsibility for my life and my actions

 * If I cannot understand my friend's silence, I will never get to understand his words.

 * If my ship sails from sight, it doesn't mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.

 * No battle is worth fighting except the last one.

 * Remove advertising, disable a person or firm from preconising its wares and their merits, and the whole of society and of the economy is transformed. The enemies of advertising are enemies of freedom.

 * When I repress my emotion my stomach keeps score.

 * You must have access to sources of information, divination and prophecy which are absolutely closed and unknown to me.

 * The beneficiaries thus regard themselves as having received no more than their due, to which they were entitled anyhow, while those whose benefits are discontinued regard themselves as cheated of what they had a right to and had been encouraged to expect.
 * On changes to the State benefits system

 * Reading one's diary is like returning to one's own vomit

 * I [also] know that, on my deathbed, I shall still be believing with one part of my brain that somewhere on every ocean of the world there is a grey, grey ship with three funnels and sixteen-inch guns which can blow out of the water any other navy which is likely to face it. I know it is not so. Indeed, I realised at a relatively early age that it is not so. But that factor – that emotional factor... will not die until I, the carrier of it, am dead.

 * Wildernesses are good places, I notice, for voices. They tend to get a reverberation which is often lost in the more crowded places.

I do not know how to use wikiquote, but you can find evidence to support this quotation here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5N0ZcbOeEQ I assume this should now be moved to the fully accessible page.

Quotes about Enoch Powell (unsourced)

 * Poor Enoch, driven mad by the remorselessness of his own logic.
 * Harold Macmillan

title: Talk:Enoch Powell


text:
User talk:Ævar Arnfjörð Bjarmason

Bill Maher iPod quote

 * I was 212.30.222.56 at the time, I've sourced the quote at iPod and Bill Maher . —Ævar Arnfjörð Bjarmason 22:52, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

Thanks for the update. Unfortunately, I couldn't verify the episode info you provided (unless it was in the AVI and I missed it somehow). However, Google now has Maher's site's transcription, so I added that link, the date (which is critical for chrono order), and Real Time's episode number (63), as well as reformatting your info in our "series.episode" format (6.08). I also added the preceding text that provides the context for the punchline, because it's a bit more accurate than saying "iPod" (it's the Nano version). Thanks for calling this to my attention. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:11, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:Ævar Arnfjörð Bjarmason


text:
Zathura

Zathura is a 2005 American science fiction fantasy adventure film about two squabbling brothers who start a simple game that becomes a space adventure. A New Adventure From the World of Jumanji (taglines)

Walter

 * [reads card] "REPROGRAM"? [to Danny] What the heck does that mean?!
 * [to Danny; gently] I'm your brother. And that's what being a brother means. Means I'll never let anything happen to you.

Danny

 * IT'S METEORS!! TAKE ERASIVE ACTION!! TAKE ERASIVE ACTION!!
 * [card reads "FLUNK SPACE ACADEMY Go back 1 space"] I'm not even going to comment on that.
 * One. God! I suck.
 * IT'S A BLACK HOLE!!!! ZATHURA IS A BLACK HOLE!!!!!

Astronaut (25-Year-Old Walter)

 * [to Lisa] The Astronaut, from the game we're in. [pointing at Danny] Danny spun me.
 * Zorgons. They're big gnarly lizards. Cold blooded heat seekers and the tiniest spark of warmth will bring them in like moths. Flying all around in the galaxy. Looking for anything they can find to burn up. (Walter: Why don't they just burn up their own planet?) Oh, they already did. That's not even the worst of it. Their problem is their ravenous appetite. They never stop eating. (Walter: What do they eat?) Meat. (Danny: That's good.) Dude, You're meat.
 * Burning gas! That's probably what brought 'em here in the first place!
 * Nope. I'm doing this is because I've been eating paste out of a tube for 15 years.

Dialogue

 * Dad: Alright, Danny, your turn.
 * Walter: What? I didn't get my full turn.
 * Dad: Yeah, you did. I counted, that was 25. That's what we said.
 * Walter: But that's not fair.
 * Dad: It's exactly fair. Come on, Danny. Time for your turn, then I gotta work for an hour.
 * Danny: You know, you're not the only one who gets a turn.
 * Walter: [mocks] You're not the only one who gets a turn.
 * Dad: [annoyed] Guys. Alright, keep your eye on the ball. You got it this time. Ready? [misses] Alright, that's a good try. It was a bad throw, bad throw. Sorry. My bad. Okay. Here we go. You can do this. Here we go, buddy. Ready? A deep fly ball to the right field. Clemente back running on his horse real fast. Can he get it? Can he get it?
 * Walter: Oh, and Milton Bradley with his dive-and-roll catch. Dodgers win!
 * Danny: [throws the baseball mitt at Walter] You're such a dick!
 * [Dad stares at Walter, not happy at what just happened.]
 * Walter: What? It was a great grab.
 * Dad: Danny? Danny? Danny, you really should not be using that kind of language with your brother.
 * Danny: But it's true.
 * Dad: Listen, kiddo, when I was six years old--
 * Danny: 6-and- ¾.
 * Dad: When I was 6-and- ¾, catching was hard for me, too.
 * Danny: Well, it's not hard for Walter?
 * Dad: Well, Walter's 10.
 * Danny: So? He's still better than me at everything.
 * Dad: No way. He's not better than you at piano.
 * Danny: I hate that stupid thing.
 * Dad: Someday you're gonna be really happy I got you that piano. You'll be at a party, there'll be this pretty girl...
 * Danny: Like you and Mom? [runs to his and Walter's room, Dad follows]
 * Dad: Look, Danny, you and Walter are different people. He's good at some things, you're good at other things. That's how people are.
 * Danny: He beats me at everything.
 * Dad: Listen, this is important. You're a very special kid.
 * Danny: That's what people say when they can't think of anything.
 * Dad: You know how you always make up games and pretend to be characters? You have an incredible imagination. Amazing imagination. A whole universe of an imagination. And I use my imagination for a living, so I know what I'm talking about.
 * Danny: Is it better than Walter's?
 * Dad: What?
 * Danny: Is my imagination better than Walter's?
 * Dad: You're different than Walter.

 * Dad: Don't do that!
 * Walter: You wanna play catch?
 * Dad: We just played catch.
 * Walter: No, football catch.
 * Dad: I have to work for an hour.
 * Walter: But it's Saturday.
 * Dad: Tell me about it.
 * Walter: All you ever do is work.
 * Dad: Nice try.
 * Walter: This is so unfair.
 * Dad: Hello? Uh, Bill, I am so sorry. I'll call you back in two minutes. Is that okay? Thanks. I have a really important meeting this afternoon, Walter. I really have to be ready for it.
 * Walter: You're going out?
 * Dad: Yes, I'm going out. Well, I'm going to a meeting. You're gonna be at Mom's house anyway. She's coming to get you at three.
 * Walter: We go to Mom's house tomorrow.
 * Dad: No, today.
 * Walter: This is a four-day Dad week.
 * Dad: No, three-day Dad week. Four-day last week, four-day next week, three-day this week. Four-day Mom week this week.
 * Walter: But that's not fair!
 * Dad: To whom?
 * Walter: To anyone!
 * Dad: I have to work.
 * Walter: We'd have all the time we want if Danny wasn't around.
 * Dad: Well, Danny is around.
 * Walter: All right, Five throws.
 * Dad: How do I put this? Um, let me think. I have to work.
 * Danny: Dad, I'm ready to play (Super) Smash Bros.
 * Walter: What?! You told him you were gonna play (Super) Smash Bros.?!
 * Dad: No, I didn't tell him I was gonna play (Super) Smash Bros.
 * Danny: You're playing catch with Walter?!
 * Walter: He might if you weren't around!
 * Dad: Guys! Guys!
 * Danny: You're so mean! Everybody wants to ruin my life!
 * Walter: You never keep your promises!
 * Danny: All you care about is Walter!
 * Dad: [fed up with the boys bothering him] THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME, OKAY?! I don't like this situation either! It sucks is what it does, but this is the best I could come up with! So, climb off my back and give me about two inches of space, will you, please?! [sits down and sighs] There are some days, boys, when you gotta grow up all at once. I need today to be one of those days.

 * Danny: Wanna play Chutes and Ladders?
 * Walter: No, you'll cheat.
 * Danny: Stratego?
 * Walter: No, you cheat at board games.
 * Danny: But you can't even cheat at Stratego.
 * Walter: Trust me, you'll find a way.
 * Dad: Hey. Sorry about that. Oh, no, no, it's fine. I'm not meeting him till 3:30, I can finish by then.
 * Danny: Walter, look what I found.
 * Walter: Those belong to me. Put them back.
 * Danny: But you never play with them.
 * Walter: So? They're still mine.
 * Danny: When did you get so mean?
 * Walter: I'm not mean, Danny. I'm in fourth grade. I have a girlfriend. You know how Dad said we have to grow up? Well, this is what it looks like.
 * Danny: Can we please play Army Men?
 * Walter: Copy that.
 * Danny: Sergeant, there's a helicopter on fire. Let's get it!
 * Dad: The drawings all match the foam mockup.
 * Walter: Get back here!
 * Danny: Let me hold it!
 * Dad: Yes, red.
 * Danny: Give me!
 * Dad: Cranberry, right. It's whatever color they picked.
 * Danny: Let me hold it!
 * Dad: I worked from the chits.
 * Danny: Ow! Walter! Let me look at it!
 * Dad: Can I call you back one more time? It's a small domestic emergency here.
 * Walter: Danny!
 * Dad: I-I-I know. I know.
 * Walter: DAD!!!!
 * Dad: It's not a problem. Okay. Okay, thanks.
 * Walter: [showing his dad his "broken" walkie-talkie; angrily] Look what he did.
 * Dad: I was on the phone.
 * Danny: [remorsefully] It was an accident.
 * Walter: You're such a baby!
 * Danny: I'm not a baby!
 * Walter: You break all my stuff, you can't catch a ball...
 * Dad: [to Walter] That's enough!
 * Danny: It was an acc--
 * Walter: ...and nobody wants you around!
 * Dad: [to Walter] That's enough!
 * Danny: You shut up! [hurls a football at Walter, but Walter dodges the football and it spills Walter's fruit punch all over Dad's painting causing Walter to get shocked] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
 * [Walter and Danny are on the couch as punishment for bothering him and not getting along]
 * Dad: It's 10 minutes to the office. I have to run off another copy. I'll be right back.
 * Danny: You're gonna leave us alone in this creepy old house?
 * Dad: It's not creepy, it's old.
 * Walter: I like Mom's better.
 * Dad: Well, so did she, and now it's hers. Look, this is a very special house. The reason I'm working so hard to fix it up is I wanna make a home for us here. Now, I know it's not Mom's house, and I know it's a little creaky, but give it some time, it's gonna grow on you.
 * Danny: Well, I don't wanna stay here alone.
 * Dad: Well, you're not gonna be alone. I'm going to wake up Lisa.
 * Walter: What, are you crazy? Don't do that!
 * Danny: No, don't wake up Lisa. She's sleeping. Let her sleep.
 * Dad: [knocks on Lisa's door] Honey. [enters Lisa's room] Lisa. Honey. Get up. I need to go out. [opens up blinds] I need you to look after your two favorite people in the world. Come on.
 * Lisa: I can't. I have a date tonight.
 * Dad: What time?
 * Lisa: We're hookin' up at, like, 8:00.
 * Dad: It's 2:00.
 * Lisa: So?
 * Dad: So, that's 6 hours from now.
 * Lisa: What's your point?
 * Dad: My point is I need you to look after the boys. And by the way, it makes me uncomfortable when you say "hooking up".
 * Lisa: Why? It's not like it means anything.
 * Dad: Hope it doesn't.
 * Lisa: [annoyed] It doesn't. It's just an expression.
 * Dad: I hope it is.
 * Lisa: [annoyed] It is. God. We never should've rented Thirteen.

 * Danny: [after Walter turns off MegaRace 3; to Walter] Hey!
 * Walter: [to Danny] Dad said no video games.
 * Danny: He did not. Fine.
 * [Walter changes the channel to SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Bubblestand"]
 * Patrick Star: [on TV, laughing at the bubble elephant] It's a giraffe!
 * [Danny laughs until Walter changes the channel]
 * SportsCenter Announcer: This is SportsCenter!
 * Danny: Hey! I was watching that!
 * SportsCenter Announcer: It is Oakland. It is Boston. It is Manny Ramirez.
 * Danny: Can we watch SpongeBob?
 * Walter: No.
 * Danny: You used to like it.
 * Walter: Times change.
 * Danny: Tartar sauce. I'm hungry.
 * Walter: So, what do you want me to do about it?
 * Danny: Make me macaroni and cheese.
 * Walter: I don't know how.
 * Danny: I'm hungry. What do you know how to make?
 * Walter: Water.
 * Danny: [Danny goes to get a baseball and some gloves] How about you and me play catch?
 * Walter: No. [He throws the ball to Walter, then Walter rolls the ball back to Danny. They do it again, but the third time, Danny throws the baseball, then it hits Walter in the face, causing him to get up from the chair, furiously] YOU'RE DEAD!!!
 * Danny: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! [Walter chases after Danny]
 * Walter: [looking for him] Danny. Where are you? Danny. Where are you, Danny? [Danny hides in the dumbwaiter] Danny. Where are you? [he opens the dumbwaiter door and finds him hiding in there] There you are.
 * Danny: I said I was sorry. [Walter starts to lower him down to the basement] Don't. No. Don't do that, it's not funny.
 * Walter: You'll be safe in here until Dad gets back.
 * Danny: You're just jealous, because Dad thinks I'm smarter than you! [he slams the dumbwaiter door, but Walter immediately opens it again] I didn't mean that. [He continues lowering him down to the basement] Walter, no! Pull me up! Don't!
 * Walter: What's the matter, Danny?
 * Danny: Pull me up!
 * Walter: Not still scared of the basement, are you?
 * Danny: Walter! No, Walter! It's not funny! NO! PULL ME UP!!! [shrieking] WALTER!!!!!!
 * Walter: [dismissively] THREE-YEAR-OLDS ARE SCARED OF BASEMENTS! [slams the dumbwaiter door]

 * Danny: You're really mean.
 * Walter: Dad said not to play in there.
 * Danny: [shows Walter a board game] Look what I found in the basement.
 * Walter: Looks dumb and old.
 * Danny: I like it.
 * Walter: Yeah, you would. It's for babies.

 * Walter and Danny: Lisa, no, wait, Lisa!
 * Danny: Oh, man!
 * Walter: Wait, that one didn't count. Let me go again. [tries to push the GO button, but it's jammed] It's stuck!
 * Danny: Maybe we have to take turns. [pushes button and number on panel spins] See, it was my turn.

 * Walter: "Zathura. Attention space adventurers, Zathura awaits. Do you have what it takes to navigate the galaxy? It's not for the faint of heart. For once you embark upon your journey, there's no turning back until Zathura is reached. Pieces reset at the end of each game. Play again and again for different adventures." That's it. We gotta keep playing.
 * Danny: I'm not playing that thing.
 * Walter: Yes, we are. It says we go home if we win.
 * Danny: It, it didn't say that.
 * Walter: Yes, it did. "Pieces reset at the end of each game." That means we go home when we're finished.
 * Danny: All I know is that when we play this game, bad things happen.
 * Walter: All I know is that when I played that game, I got promoted. So I'm gonna win this thing and get us home.
 * Danny: Wait, wait, wait. Can we stop--?
 * Walter: Don't be a baby.
 * Danny: I'm not a baby.

 * Danny: That's your robot?
 * Walter: At least I got one.
 * Danny: Well, what does it do?
 * Walter: Anything I want. Get me a juice box, biatch!
 * Danny: Don't do that!
 * Walter: Why not? It's my robot.
 * Danny: You might make it mad.
 * Walter: It's three inches tall, I'll punt it across the room. It's my robot, the card says.
 * Danny: I never said it wasn't your robot; You don't have to be such a jerk.
 * Walter: Dude, you're just jealous 'cause I have a robot and you don't.
 * Danny: Why would I want--?

 * Danny: Where are you going?
 * Walter: I'm taking my turn.
 * Danny: Are you crazy? That thing's messed up!
 * Walter: "YOU ARE PROMOTED TO FLEET ADMIRAL Move ahead 4 spaces". [spaceship moves four spaces, offscreen] Okay, your turn.
 * Danny: I'm not playing!
 * [Walter shakes his head]
 * Walter: What are you doing?
 * Danny: Making mac 'n cheese.
 * Walter: There's no water, dummy. We're in outer space. Why are you doing that?
 * Danny: Because I'm hungry and I know that you're not gonna take care of me.
 * Walter: Don't bother. The gas won't work.
 * Danny: [the gas ignites] Any more advice?
 * Walter: [angrily] You've gotta turn it up more. Can we at least talk about this?
 * Danny: There's nothing to talk about, I'm not going.
 * Walter: Danny, I just wanna go home, and I can't unless you play. Don't you wanna get home?
 * Danny: What's so great about home, anyway?
 * Walter: What do you mean? Everything was great until you came along.
 * Danny: See? You treat me like everything's my fault!
 * Walter: You're the one who pushed the button in the first place!
 * Danny: I just wanted to play a game with you, Walter.
 * Walter: Fine, what do you want?
 * Danny: I want you to not to be mean to me, and not ignore me, and I want you to treat me like your brother.
 * Walter: Fine.
 * Danny: Do we have an understanding?
 * Walter: Yeah.
 * Danny: Wasn't that easy?

 * Walter: We'll figure it out later. Go.
 * Danny: No.
 * Walter: Go.
 * Danny: NO!
 * Walter: GO!
 * Danny: [misreads card] "Rest on standing AstroTurf."
 * Walter: What?
 * Danny: "Rest on standing AstroTurf."
 * Walter: Let me read it.
 * Danny: No, I know how to read. I know how to read!
 * Walter: Let me read it! God. [correctly reads the card] "RESCUE STRANDED ASTRONAUT."
 * Danny: What stranded astronaut?
 * Walter: I guess there's gonna be some stranded astronaut or some--

 * Astronaut: Okay, why haven't you guys started yet?
 * Danny: We're waiting for you.
 * Astronaut: Okay, well, I'm here, so, turn that clockwise, and--
 * Walter: Yeah, I know how to play the game.
 * Astronaut: Okay.
 * Walter: Hang on a second. Something's wrong.
 * Astronaut: What?
 * [Danny's ship is ahead of Walter's in the next shot]
 * Walter: [to Danny] I was ahead of you.
 * [Astronaut looks to Danny]
 * Danny: Somebody must have kicked the board?
 * Walter: [angrily] No, nobody kicked the board. You cheated.
 * Danny: No, I didn't.
 * Walter: You cheated! I knew you were gonna cheat!
 * Astronaut: Ch-- "Cheater's" a strong word!
 * Walter: YOU CHEATED!!
 * Danny: I DIDN'T CHEAT!
 * Astronaut: Guys, guys, please. Bring it down. Indoor voices. Now, did you move the piece?
 * Danny: Maybe I moved the piece by an accident.
 * Astronaut: Okay, it was an accident.
 * Walter: [not believing Danny] How can you move the piece by accident if it's stuck to the game? That's impossible; You cheated!
 * Astronaut: Okay, no, no, no, let's not use that word. No, stop saying "cheated."
 * Walter: You cheated! Cheater!!!
 * Danny: I DIDN'T CHEAT!
 * Astronaut: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Okay? Now, where did you move from?
 * Danny: [pointing to his rocket ship] I was right here.
 * Walter: No, you weren't; You were back there.
 * Danny: [insistently] Nuh-uh.
 * Astronaut: Well-- Okay. [cringes as Walter moves Danny's ship] Uh-- Okay, care-- careful. [Walter moves Danny's ship back to the same spot where he spun the astronaut]
 * Walter: God.
 * Astronaut: Okay, it's fixed.
 * Walter: You're such a baby.
 * Danny: I'm not a baby!
 * Astronaut: [overlapping Walter and Danny] Slow down, slow down, slow down.
 * Walter: Yes, you are a baby!
 * Danny: I'm not a baby!
 * Walter: You're a baby!
 * Astronaut: [trying to stop Walter and Danny’s argument] Nobody is a baby here!
 * Danny: I'm not a baby!
 * Walter: [dismissively yelling] You're a little baby!
 * Danny: [angrily shrieking] I'M NOT A BABY--!!!!
 * Astronaut: [covering Danny’s mouth, stopping the argument] JEEZ!!! It won't stop! Please! [Danny stops shrieking] Okay, let's play the game.
 * Walter: [annoyed] Fine. [pushes the "Go" button, but the number on the panel keeps spinning because Danny's ship was moved back to the same spot where he spun the astronaut] It won't stop spinning.
 * Danny: What's wrong with it?
 * Walter: You broke it.
 * Astronaut: [sees yellow card] Oh, look. There's the card. See? It fixed itself.
 * Walter: [reads card] "CAUGHT CHEATING? Automatic ejection"? [confused] Does it mean me?
 * Danny: [innocently] Well, you did move the piece.
 * Walter: [points to Danny; denying it] He's the one who cheated(, not me). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! [flies up out through the hole in the house's roof and gets sucked into space while screaming, and loses one of his Nike sneakers]
 * Danny: Walter! [astronaut gets his turbo-jet-pack] [runs up the stairs] Hang on, Walter! I'll save you!
 * Walter: Help!
 * Danny: Wait a minute! I got an idea! [Walter hangs on by his fingertips and Danny gets the lamp] I'm going to swing this lamp up to you and you grab it and I'll pull you down.
 * Walter: [about to slip off] I CAN'T HANG ON ANY LONGER!
 * Danny: [throws the lamp and breaks it] Don't worry! I'll get another lamp!
 * Walter: [slips off] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * Astronaut: [comes with a turbo-jet-pack on his back] Stand back. [blasts off to get Walter down]
 * Danny: [waiting for Walter to come down] Walter! [looking at the hole] Walter. Oh, no. [Astronaut brings Walter down] You okay? Are you okay?
 * Walter: [annoyed] Get away from me.
 * Danny: Sorry. [gives the other shoe to Walter]
 * Walter: [sternly] Don't talk to me 'til we get home. [puts his other shoe on]
 * Astronaut: That look cool from down here? Because up there it was... it was pretty intense. My heart's pumping pretty good. That was fun.
 * Walter: Can you just play so I can get the heck out of here and get away from you?
 * Danny: I told him I was sorry.
 * Walter: [annoyed] Whatever.
 * Astronaut: Okay, you know what we need to do? We need to get our heads right, okay? Pull it together, as a team, the three of us. [Walter stares ahead and thinks] You're up, big man. Bring us home. I got you, buddy. I promise. [Danny reluctantly takes his turn, rolls an 8, his ship moves forward to the same spot before the cheating card popped out] What's it say?
 * Walter: He can't read. [Danny gives Walter the card] "LOSE MAP OF GALAXY Go back 2 spaces". [spaceship move back two spaces, and he throws the card away]
 * Lisa: [meanwhile; after waking up from her cryonic sleep] I'm freezing my ass off. [annoyed] 40 degrees? [turns up heat] Those savages. [the furnace in the basement turns on, indicating The Zorgons to strike any minute. Lisa plays the song "Can't Be Bothered" by The Fight on her music player, and takes her shower.]

 * Walter: [rolls a 9] Yes! 9!
 * Danny: Good roll.
 * Walter: (Really?) "Good roll"? 9's a great roll.
 * Danny: I meant, "great". [sees gold card] It's gold.
 * Walter: [pulls out gold card] "SHOOTING STAR Make a wish as it passes". [excitedly] Oh, that's got to be the best card in the whole game! I'm almost to the end. Look, a few more, and I win!
 * Danny: [not caring] I hope you win. I don't care who wins.
 * Walter: [angrily and dismissively] It's because you never win at anything, Danny.
 * Astronaut: Hey.
 * Walter: [to the Astronaut] What? That's why he cheats all the time, because he can never win!
 * Danny: No, I don't!
 * Walter: Yeah, you do! And you almost got me killed!
 * Danny: It wasn't my fault!
 * Walter: It's not your fault? How's it not your fault? This is all your fault. Everything's your fault! IT'S YOUR FAULT MOM AND DAD GOT DIVORCED!!
 * Astronaut: [angrily] HEY!
 * Danny: [had enough of Walter being mean to him] YOU SUCK! [he throws the game away and runs upstairs]
 * Astronaut: Danny--

 * Walter: [appears, holding what he actually wished for] The card worked.
 * Astronaut: [thinking Walter made a bad wish; sarcastically] Yeah, it worked. Congratulations. We're stuck in space now forever.
 * Danny: [appears from under his bed] Leave him alone.
 * Astronaut: [sees Danny alive and well; shocked] What did you wish for?
 * Walter: This.
 * Astronaut: [confused] You wished for a football?
 * Walter: [innocently] Signed by Brett Favre.
 * Danny: Why'd you wish for a football? You could've just wished the game over. You could've wished us out of here.
 * Walter: I was under a lot of pressure! He was yelling at me!
 * Danny: [concerned] Why were you yelling at him?
 * Astronaut: Okay, guys. Here's the thing. [he sits down on Danny's bed] I've played this game before. Okay? I played it with my own brother 15 years ago.
 * Walter: You were a player?
 * Astronaut: Yeah. Just like you guys. We were fighting a lot back then. And when the game started, it got even worse. Every time we spun, we got madder and madder at one another. And then, I landed on a star space, the same one that Walter just landed on. Well, I was so mad at him, that when the star passed, I made my wish.
 * Walter: What did you wish for?
 * Astronaut: I wished that my brother had never been born.
 * Danny: [shocked] Oh, my God.
 * Astronaut: As soon as I did it, I felt horrible. I thought-- you know if I could spin again, maybe-- I can-- I can land on another star space and-- and wish him back, but the game wouldn't let me. Because it wasn't my turn. Walter. There are some games you can't play alone.
 * Walter: So, what do we do, now?
 * Astronaut: We go back downstairs, and we finish this thing once and for all. No more cheating. No more arguing. All you guys have to do is spin a few more times. I'll help you fight off whatever comes out. Deal?
 * Walter: Deal.
 * Danny: Deal.

 * Lisa: [Lisa prepares to go downstairs for her date, and sees smoke coming over her] Walter? [she goes downstairs to the kitchen and sees the boys making a pyre] YOU GUYS ACTUALLY SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE!!!!
 * Walter: Lisa's back!
 * Danny: Lisa's unfrozen! [The boys rush over to embrace her saying "Lisa, you're okay!"]
 * Lisa: [angrily] GET OFF ME!!!! GET OFF ME, TRY TO FIND THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!! [Lisa puts the fire out while Walter and Danny plead her not to, to no avail]
 * Walter: NO! LISA, WAIT!! STOP!!! LISA, DON'T!!! LISA, STOP!!! NO, LISA, DON'T DO THAT! WE GOTTA KEEP THE FIRE! NO, LISA, DON'T DO IT!!!
 * Danny: [overlapping Walter's pleading Lisa to stop] NO, LISA, NO!!! THE ZORGONS ARE ATTRACTED TO FIRE!! NO, LISA, DON'T PUT OUT THE FIRE!!! THE ZORGONS ARE ATTRACTED TO FIRE!!!''' THE ZORGONS ARE ATTRACTED TO FIRE!!!! LISA, NO!!! NO, NO, NO! Lisa...

 * Robot: [breaks through the door] EMERGENCY. [The Zorgons all growl] ALIEN LIFE-FORM. MUST DESTROY.
 * Walter: He still wants to kill me! [robot grabs his neck]
 * Danny: Use the card, quick!
 * Walter: [holding the card to the robot] "REPROGRAM"!
 * Robot: [repair bot appears to fix the robot and shuts it down and turns back on. The robot then releases it grip from Walter's neck] ALIEN LIFE-FORM. [Zorgons growling] MUST DESTROY. [uses his jet booster to chase them, Danny and Walter follow them, the Zorgons try to escape to their battleship and the robot uses his jet booster again to attack their battleships] ALIEN LIFE-FORM. MUST DESTROY. [Zorgon's second battleship explodes while the robot is still attacking the first one causing it to roll around]
 * Walter: Guess that's what the "REPROGRAM" card's for.
 * Danny: I like that card.
 * Walter: It's a good card.
 * [The boys are not noticing a surviving Zorgon coming down the stairs behind them]
 * Danny: Where's Lisa?
 * [a piano suddenly crashes down the stairs and flattens the Zorgon. Lisa is revealed to have been the one to push it]
 * Lisa: Lisa... is upstairs.
 * Astronaut: What fell? [sees the crushed Zorgon] Wow. Little excessive, but I like it. Come on.

 * [The kids have just returned from the Zathura world, Danny has his finger at the "GO" button on the board.]
 * Danny: [looking around] Walter?
 * Walter: [to Danny; concerned] Don't push that button.
 * [Danny listens to Water as he slowly takes his finger off the "GO" button.]

 * [last lines]
 * Lisa: We never speak of this, okay?
 * Walter: Never happened.
 * Danny: It never happened.
 * Walter: Still think I have gorgeous eyes? [Lisa stares at Danny and Walter, who laugh]
 * Danny: Walter.
 * Walter: What? [they start playfully tackling each other for a second and run straight to their mother's Volvo SUV, and their bike comes down after being up in space, ending the movie]

Taglines

 * A new adventure from the world of Jumanji.
 * Adventure is waiting.

Cast

 * Jonah Bobo: Danny
 * Josh Hutcherson: Walter
 * Dax Shepard: Adult Walter/Astronaut
 * Kristen Stewart: Lisa
 * Tim Robbins: Dad
 * Frank Oz: Robot (voice)
 * John Alexander: Robot
 * Derek Mears: Lead Zorgon
 * Douglas Tait: Zorgon
 * Joe Bucaro III: Zorgon (as Joe Bucaro)
 * Jeff Wolfe: Zorgon

title: Zathura


text:
User talk:70.68.75.47

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 09:21, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:70.68.75.47


text:
Talk:Moulin Rouge!

HTML to XHTML
Shouldn't we use XHTML, since that is the newest official recommendation? Use instead of  ~ 20 nov 2005, 13:55 CET

 * It's preferable in general, but is not considered critical -- nothing generates XHTML in MediaWiki anyway, and when it does, convertors should not be very hard. Thanks ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 13:24, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

Needs some trimming
I think this page needs some trimming in the Songs section - it appears to me that they are fully quoted, rather than just excerpts. ~ UDScott 07:57, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

title: Talk:Moulin Rouge!


text:
The Graduate

The Graduate is a 1967 film about Ben, a recent college graduate who is talented but aimless, who is seduced by Mrs. Robinson, the wife of his father's business partner. As he embarks on a tawdry affair with her, he becomes increasingly disillusioned with the world his parents live in and their expectations for him, and he finds himself falling for Mrs. Robinson's daughter Elaine.
 * Directed by Mike Nichols. Written by Charles Webb, Calder Willingham and Buck Henry.

This is Benjamin. He's a little worried about his future.

Benjamin Braddock

 * I've had this feeling ever since I graduated. This kind of compulsion that I have to be rude all the time...It's like I was playing some kind of game, but the rules don't make any sense to me. They're being made up by all the wrong people. I mean no one makes them up. They seem to make themselves up.

Mr. Robinson

 * I wish I was that age again because Ben...you'll never be young again...Ben, can I say something to you?...uh, how long have we known each other now? How long have you and I known each other? How long have your dad and I been partners?...I watched you grow up, Ben...In many ways, I feel as though you were my own son...So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of advice...I think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be...Sow a few wild oats, take things as they come, have a good time with the girls and so forth...You have yourself a few flings this summer. I'll bet you're, you're quite a ladies man...You look to me like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off. [To Mrs. Robinson, who enters] Now doesn't he look to you like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off?

Dialogue

 * Benjamin: I'm just...
 * Mr. Braddock: ...worried?
 * Benjamin: Well...
 * Mr. Braddock: About what?
 * Benjamin: I guess about my future.
 * Mr. Braddock: What about it?
 * Benjamin: I don't know. I want it to be...
 * Mr. Braddock: ...to be what?
 * Benjamin: ...Different.

 * Mr. McGuire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
 * Benjamin: Yes, sir.
 * Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
 * Benjamin: Yes, I am.
 * Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
 * Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?
 * Mr. McGuire: There's a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?
 * Note: the bolded line is ranked #42 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

 * Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, if you don't mind my saying so, this conversation is getting a little strange. Now, I'm sure that Mr. Robinson will be here any minute now and -
 * Mrs. Robinson: No.
 * Benjamin: What?
 * Mrs. Robinson: My husband will be back quite late. He should be gone for several hours.
 * Benjamin: Oh my God.

 * Benjamin: For God's sake, Mrs. Robinson, here we are, you've got me into your house. You give me a drink. You put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.
 * Mrs. Robinson: So?
 * Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me...
 * [Mrs. Robinson laughs seductively]
 * Benjamin: ...aren't you?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Well, no. I hadn't thought of it. I feel very flattered.
 * Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson. Will you forgive me for what I just said?
 * Note: the two lines in bold are collectively ranked #63 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

 * Mrs. Robinson: What are you so scared of?
 * Benjamin: I'm not scared, Mrs. Robinson.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Then why do you keep running away?
 * Benjamin: Because you're going to bed. I don't think I should be up here.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Haven't you ever seen anybody in a slip before?
 * Benjamin: Yes, I have, but I just...Look, what if Mr. Robinson walked in right now?
 * Mrs. Robinson: What if he did?
 * Benjamin: Well, it would look pretty funny, wouldn't it?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Don't you think he trusts us together?
 * Benjamin: Of course he does, but he might get the wrong idea. Anyone might.
 * Mrs. Robinson: I don't see why? I'm twice as old as you are. How could anyone think that...
 * Benjamin: But they would! Don't you see?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin. I am not trying to seduce you!
 * Benjamin: I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson. This is difficult..
 * Mrs. Robinson: Would you like me to seduce you?
 * Benjamin: What?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Is that what you're trying to tell me?
 * Benjamin: [A long pause] I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it. But I'm going home right now.

 * Mrs. Robinson: [now naked] Don't be nervous.
 * Benjamin: Get away from that door.
 * Mrs. Robinson: I want to say something first.
 * Benjamin: Dear God.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin. I want you to know that I'm available to you, and if you won't sleep with me this time...
 * Benjamin: Oh, my God.
 * Mrs. Robinson: ...if you won't sleep with me this time I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we'll make some kind of an arrangement. Do you understand what I...?
 * Benjamin: Let me out.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin. Did you understand what I said? [Screeching car tires are heard outside in the driveway]
 * Benjamin: Yes, yes, let me out.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Because I find you very attractive. Now, anytime you want, you just...
 * Benjamin: Oh Jesus, that's him.

 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, would this be easier for you in the dark?
 * Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson. I can't do this.
 * Mrs. Robinson: You what?
 * Benjamin: This is all terribly wrong.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?
 * Benjamin: Oh, no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I mean that. I find you desirable, but I, for God's sake, can you imagine my parents? Can you imagine what they would say if they just saw us in this room here right now?
 * Mrs. Robinson: What would they say?
 * Benjamin: I have no idea Mrs. Robinson, but for god's sake, they brought me up, they made a good life for me and I think they deserve better than this. I think they deserve a little better than jumping into bed with the partner's wife.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Are you afraid of me?
 * Benjamin: Oh, no. You're missing the point. Look. Maybe we could do something else together. Mrs. Robinson, would you like to go to a movie?

 * Mrs. Robinson: Can I ask you a personal question?
 * Benjamin: Ask me anything you want.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Is this your first time?
 * Benjamin: Is this what?
 * Mrs. Robinson: It is, isn't it? It is your first time.
 * Benjamin: That's a laugh Mrs. Robinson. That's really a laugh. Ha, ha.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Well, you can admit that, can't you?
 * Benjamin: Are you kidding?
 * Mrs. Robinson: It's nothing to be ashamed of.
 * Benjamin: Wait a minute.
 * Mrs. Robinson: On your first time if you're afraid of being inadequate.
 * Benjamin: Who said it was my first time? Wait a minute.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Just because you happen to be inadequate in one way.
 * Benjamin: INADEQUATE?! [Mrs. Robinson starts to dress] Don't move!

 * Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?
 * Benjamin: Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool.
 * Mr. Braddock: Why?
 * Benjamin: Well, it's very comfortable just to drift here.
 * Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?
 * Benjamin: No.
 * Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
 * Benjamin: You got me.

 * Benjamin: [about Elaine] Well, I guess I'll have to ask her out on a date and find out what the big deal is.
 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin. [Pulling his hair] Don't you ever take that girl out. Do you understand that?
 * Benjamin: Well, why shouldn't I?
 * Mrs. Robinson: I have my reasons.
 * Benjamin: Well let's hear 'em.
 * Mrs. Robinson: No.
 * Benjamin: Let's hear them Mrs. Robinson, because I think I know what they are. I'm not good enough for her to associate with, am I? I'm not good enough to even talk about her, am I?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Let's drop it.
 * Benjamin: We're not dropping it. I'm good enough for you, but I'm not good enough to associate with your daughter. That's it, isn't it?
 * Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.
 * Benjamin: [Ripping the sheet off her] Isn't it?
 * Mrs. Robinson: [Covering up] Yes.
 * Benjamin: You go to hell. You go straight to hell, Mrs. Robinson.

 * Mr. Braddock: Wait a minute, you talked to Elaine this morning?
 * Benjamin: No, she doesn't know about it.
 * Mr. Braddock: Uh, you mean she doesn't know you are coming up to Berkeley?
 * Benjamin: No, actually she doesn't know about us getting married yet.
 * Mrs. Braddock: Well when did you two talk this over?
 * Benjamin: We haven't.
 * Mrs. Braddock: You haven't?
 * Mr. Braddock: Ben, this whole idea sounds pretty half baked.
 * Benjamin: No, it's not. It's completely baked.

 * Benjamin: Elaine, I like you. I like you so much. Do you believe that? [She nods silently] Do you?
 * Elaine: Yes.
 * Benjamin: [He sighs deeply] You're the first thing for so long that I like, the first person I could stand to be with. My whole life is such a waste. There's just nothing. I'm sorry. I'll take you home now.

 * Elaine: Benjamin...Will you kiss me? [He rises from bed]
 * Benjamin: [After a sleepy kiss] Will you marry me? [She shakes her head no] You won't?
 * Elaine: I don't know.
 * Benjamin: But you might?
 * Elaine: I might.
 * Benjamin: Is that so? You might marry me?
 * Elaine: Yes.

 * Elaine: Why don't you drag me off if you want to marry me so much?
 * Benjamin: Why don't I just drag you off? All right, I will. Right after we get the blood tests...

 * Benjamin: Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn't mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.
 * Mr. Robinson: Shaking hands? Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?
 * Benjamin: The point is I don't love your wife, I love your daughter, sir.

 * Mr. Robinson: I don't know if I can prosecute you but I think maybe I can. In light of what's happened I think maybe I can get you behind bars if you ever look at my daughter again.

Cast

 * Dustin Hoffman — Benjamin Braddock
 * Anne Bancroft — Mrs. Robinson
 * Katharine Ross — Elaine Robinson
 * William Daniels — Mr. Braddock
 * Murray Hamilton — Mr. Robinson
 * Elizabeth Wilson — Mrs. Braddock
 * Buck Henry — Room clerk
 * Walter Brooke — Mr. McGuire
 * Brian Avery — Carl Smith
 * Norman Fell — Mr. McCleery
 * Marion Lorne — Miss DeWitte
 * Alice Ghostley — Mrs. Singleman
 * Eddra Gale — Woman on bus

title: The Graduate


text:
User talk:81.107.202.126

UDScott 21:14, 20 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:81.107.202.126


text:
User talk:207.200.116.135

Deliberate vandalism can result in IP addresses being blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 02:27, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:207.200.116.135


text:
User:Jkelly~enwikiquote

See my userpage at en.

title: User:Jkelly~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Mrwojo

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 05:40, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:Mrwojo


text:
Talk:Zathura

Random problems: Title not formatted properly (should be wikilinked bolded italic), wp box in wrong place, quotes misformatted, no cast, no external links. ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 05:44, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

title: Talk:Zathura


text:
User talk:MRP~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 05:46, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called MRP. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name MRP~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:28, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:52, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:MRP~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:209.77.185.131

Deliberate vandalism can result in IP addresses being blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 08:55, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:209.77.185.131


text:
Talk:Dave Matthews

Moved here from article. Please move it back if you find some clearer attribution/sourcing ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 09:39, 21 November 2005 (UTC)

Attributed
"I am Batman."
 * Who are you?"

"Batman rules. Batman 4 is going to have Robin in it. Uhm, I have varying opinions about Robin. I'm not sure exactly what he's going to do, Boy Wonder."

"Hey Boy Wonder, get over here and blow me--I'm Batman."

"And surely Boy Wonder had to go and say: 'Jumpin Jehosafats Batman, that's a big ol' Bat.

Why won't people here, give a fair chance to edit this page.

title: Talk:Dave Matthews


text:
Margaret Cavendish

Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle-upon-Tyne (1623 – 15 December 1673) was an English aristocrat and writer, best known for the biography of her husband, published in 1667.

Quotes

 * If Atomes are as small, as small can bee, They must in quantity of Matter all agree.
 * 'The weight of Atomes', in The Atomic Poems of Margaret (Lucas) Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle, from her Poems, and Fancies, 1653, an electronic edition. Edited with an introduction by Leigh Tillman Partington.

 * The spider-men came first, and presented her Majesty with a table full of mathematical points, lines and figures of all sorts of squares, circles, triangles, and the like; which the Empress, notwithstanding that she had a very ready wit, and quick apprehension, could not understand; but the more she endeavoured to learn, the more was she confounded
 * Description of a New World, Called The Blazing World (1666)

title: Margaret Cavendish


text:
User:Severecci

See w:User:Severecci.

title: User:Severecci