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South Park/Season 6

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Jared Has Aides [6.1]

 * Jared Fogle: [beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT ME TO GIVE THEM AIDES?

 * Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

 * Cartman: Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
 * Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
 * Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
 * Kyle: 22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
 * Cartman: Wugh, that's a long time to wait.

 * Stephen Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
 * Butters: Yes, sir.
 * Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!
 * Butters: Four times, Mom.
 * Stephen Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
 * Butters: Yes, sir....
 * [Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Stephen and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]
 * Stephen Stotch: Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

 * Stephen Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.
 * Stephen Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
 * Stephen Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
 * Stephen Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.

 * Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
 * Linda Stotch: [shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
 * Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
 * Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you-you old horse-banging stank.

 * Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.
 * Cartman: Then eat your puke!
 * Butters: No!
 * Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

 * [Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]
 * Butters: [inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!
 * Stephen Stotch: DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)
 * Butters: Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]
 * Linda Stotch: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)
 * Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do??
 * Stephen Stotch: YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!
 * Butters: (BASH!!) Dahh..!!
 * Cartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Asspen [6.2]

 * Thumper: [motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
 * Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
 * Thumper: We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.

 * Thumper: If you French fry when you should have Pizza's, you're going to have a bad time...

 * Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
 * Stan: Stan. Marsh.
 * Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.

 * Cartman: Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.
 * Stan: He's such a douchebag.

 * Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
 * Stan: And then what?
 * Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!
 * [Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
 * Kyle: No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!
 * Cartman: Oh, really? Oh, well.
 * [Cartman continues peeing on Butters]

 * Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
 * Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
 * [silence]
 * Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
 * Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
 * [An old man walks into the shot]
 * Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
 * [silence]
 * Stan: Thank you.
 * Old Man: Yap.

Freak Strike [6.3]

 * Kyle: This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!

 * Kyle: Why the hell would they want that anyway? Episode I sucked balls.
 * Cartman: Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls.

Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard about the show. Stephen has his arms folded in front of him.
 * Linda: Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!
 * Butters: [still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.
 * Stephen: Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!
 * Butters: Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.
 * Stephen: Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!
 * Linda: Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!
 * Butters: [with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]

Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself.
 * Butters: Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
 * Stan: [on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
 * Butters: Oh Jesus! They were??
 * Stan: Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
 * Butters: Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
 * Stan: I- told them where to find you.
 * Butters: What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!
 * Stan: Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]

 * Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever--I do what I want!

 * Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first group will be led by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
 * Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.
 * Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.

 * Butters: I've got to get back to my family.
 * Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.

 * Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.

 * Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]
 * Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.
 * Cartman: Whatever, I'll crap in Maury's pants!

 * Vanessa: [after being booed by the audience] Whatever! Whatever! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!

 * Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatever, I do what I want!

 * Vanessa: You aren't bad, you aren't nothing! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
 * Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatever, I do what I want!

 * Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatever, I do what I want!
 * Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!

Fun with Veal [6.4]

 * [Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
 * Stan: Psst, Cartman.
 * Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
 * Stan: Cartman, wake up!
 * Cartman:: What the hell are you guys doing?
 * Kyle: C'mon, we got to go.
 * Cartman: Where are we going?
 * Stan: We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.
 * Cartman: What? Why?
 * Kyle: 'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
 * Cartman: So...
 * Stan: We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.
 * Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
 * Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!
 * Stan: Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!
 * Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!
 * Stan: Yes we do!
 * Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
 * Kyle: 	What?!
 * Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
 * Kyle: 	Screw you, Cartman!
 * Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
 * Stan: 	Go on, dude it's the only way.
 * Kyle: 	No!
 * Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
 * Stan: 	Just do it really fast, and we can go.
 * Kyle: 	Have Butters kiss it.
 * Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]
 * Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
 * Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!
 * Kyle: 	Sick! I felt it on my face!
 * Stan: 	Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!
 * Cartman: Well, I'm not going with you!
 * [Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]

 * [When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
 * Sharon Marsh: [pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
 * Stan: No!
 * Randy Marsh: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
 * Stan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
 * Sharon Marsh: Open this door, now!
 * Stan: Kiss my ass!
 * Butters: Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
 * Kyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude.

 * Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!

 * Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GOD DAMN HIPPIES!!!

 * Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
 * Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!

 * [Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
 * Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!
 * Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
 * Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking here, but I guess you're not talking to me. Good-bye.
 * Glen Dumont: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
 * Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not going to work.

 * [The phone rings; Cartman picks up]
 * Cartman: Mike.
 * Mike: How we doing?
 * Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
 * Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
 * Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!

 * FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
 * Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.
 * FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!

 * Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
 * Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
 * Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!

 * Dr. Doctor: He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
 * Randy: Vaginitis?
 * Dr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
 * Kyle: Whoa, dude.
 * Dr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
 * Cartman: Thank God we stopped it in time.
 * Stan: Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
 * Butters: Hear hear.
 * Sheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
 * Stephen: I'll say!
 * Butters: Aw, we're still grounded?
 * Kyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
 * Gerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
 * Stephen: That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
 * The Boys: All right!

The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer [6.5]

 * Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
 * Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
 * Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

 * Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
 * Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
 * Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
 * Kyle: Uh, why not?!
 * Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
 * Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!
 * Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.

 * Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!

 * Russell Crowe: My fighting's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! [beats up the editor]

 * Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new Television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.

Professor Chaos [6.6]

 * The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
 * Cartman: I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
 * Kyle: Lame.
 * Cartman: Lame, yes.
 * Butters: But I can get better!
 * Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
 * Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.

 * Towelie: [high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh, man, I have no idea what's going on.

 * Pip: Can I have some tea, please?
 * Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
 * Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.

Simpsons Already Did It [6.7]

 * General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

 * Cartman: I got ripped off!
 * Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
 * Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!

 * Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
 * Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
 * Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
 * Stan: Oh.

 * Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
 * Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

 * Chef: Oh, well hello there, children.
 * Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.
 * Chef: Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.
 * Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.
 * Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!
 * Stan: So what should we do?
 * [Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]

Red Hot Catholic Love [6.8]

 * Chef: Hello there, children.
 * Stan: Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?
 * Chef: Good-bye.
 * Tweek: Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!
 * Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.

 * Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.
 * Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.

 * Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.

 * Sharon: So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
 * Stan: Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
 * Sharon: Stanley!
 * Stan: What? He did!
 * Randy: No, it doesn't work that way, son.
 * Stan: Yeah, it does.
 * Randy: No, it doesn't.
 * Stan: Yeah, it does.
 * [Randy curiously looks at his food]

 * Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.

 * Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
 * Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.
 * Congregation: Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!

 * Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.
 * Congregation of Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
 * Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
 * Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
 * Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!
 * Gilgamek Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Free Hat [6.9]

 * Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
 * [a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
 * Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.
 * Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
 * Stan: [disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
 * Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
 * Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
 * Stan: That's gay...

 * Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...
 * [a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
 * Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.
 * ''[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]

 * [a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]
 * Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
 * [the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]

 * [On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
 * Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

 * Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
 * Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
 * Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.
 * Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.
 * Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
 * Cartman: But it's a cool island song.
 * Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
 * Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
 * George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!

 * Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
 * Members: Yeah!
 * Tweek: No!
 * Skeeter: No?
 * Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
 * Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
 * Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
 * Man 4: That's it!

 * [Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
 * Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
 * Spielberg: The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!
 * Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
 * Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
 * Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
 * Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
 * Cartman: Wow!
 * Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
 * Cartman: Ey!

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society [6.10]

 * Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.

 * Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
 * Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.

 * Bebe: Having boobs sucks.

 * Interior scene, Marsh residence. Stan, who has regressed to a primitive state, is gesturing with a stick to drawings he's made of breasts on the living room wall. Realizing he's starting to take interest in girls, Randy and Sharon decide to have a talk with him.
 * Stan: A-tah! Ah, a-tah!
 * Randy: Hey there, son.
 * Stan: (Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!
 * Randy: Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.
 * Stan: Ah.
 * Randy: Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.
 * Stan: A-tah?
 * Randy: But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.
 * Stan: Friends...a-tah.
 * Randy: I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.
 * Sharon: I love you.

 * Wendy: [fake coughing] Slut! Slut!

 * Butters: [feeling Wendy's enhanced breasts] Eew! They're all hard and oogy!

 * Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
 * Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.
 * Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
 * Stan: [angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
 * Cartman: [whining] Please?
 * Stan: No.
 * Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
 * Kyle: No way, dude, Tweak's cool.
 * Stan: Yeah!
 * Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
 * [The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
 * Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
 * [Cartman approaches the group.]
 * Cartman: [furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]

Child Abduction Is Not Funny [6.11]

 * [the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
 * Stan: Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.
 * Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
 * Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.
 * Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
 * Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
 * Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!

 * Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
 * Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
 * Mr. Mackey: No helping!

 * Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
 * Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
 * Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
 * Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]

 * Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!

 * Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!

 * Tuong Lu Kim: When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick alright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-woe-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.

 * Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!

 * Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
 * Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, M'kay?
 * Mr. Mackey: M'kay.

 * News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.

 * Stan: [after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.

 * Stan: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ!

A Ladder to Heaven [6.12]

 * Mr. Garrison: [nonchalantly] A ladder to heaven? That's fracking stupid. And It's an episode on our show.

 * Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?
 * Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the-- [static]

 * Fat Man: If Saddam Hussein was an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States, then there wou-- [cameraman steers away] Hard nipples! [cut to anchor]
 * Anchor: Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]

 * Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
 * Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
 * Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
 * Cartman: You think?!
 * Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.

 * Alan Jackson:
 * ''Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
 * ''Did it make you feel like crying?
 * ''Or did you think it was kinda gay?
 * ''Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven
 * ''Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11
 * ''I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
 * ''…Eleven

 * Alan Jackson: [in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]

 * [during flashback]
 * Cartman: ''[singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside In the ghetto, in the ghetto
 * Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
 * Cartman: What did you say?
 * Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
 * Cartman: What did you say?!
 * [after flashback]
 * Cartman: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?

 * Cartman: Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
 * Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

 * Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers [6.13]

 * Stan: We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
 * Butters: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
 * Kyle: The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
 * Butters: But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
 * Cartman: Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
 * [Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
 * Butters: RAAGH!!
 * Kyle: Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
 * Butters: Well then... then let me go with you.
 * Kyle: Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
 * Butters: Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
 * Kyle: Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
 * Butters: Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
 * Kyle: GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
 * Butters: Let me have the tape!
 * Stan: No, we have to return it! [all leave]
 * Butters: My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....

 * [the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
 * Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
 * Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
 * Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
 * Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter.
 * [slight pause]
 * Cartman: HA!!! FAGS!!!

 * Randy: And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
 * Sheila: Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
 * Gerald: All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
 * Randy: I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
 * Gerald/Chris: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
 * Linda: It's that bad?
 * Chris: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
 * Gerald: I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
 * Sheila: [lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
 * Gerald: I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
 * Sheila: [to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
 * Sharon: We're sorry!
 * Liane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
 * Sheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
 * Randy: I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
 * Butters: [grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

 * Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
 * Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's [[w:vagina|vagina]. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
 * Token: [beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
 * Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
 * Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
 * Mr. Black: Oh Jesus, not that one!!

 * Jimmy: [to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.

 * Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butt-hole Pussy Potter!

The Death Camp of Tolerance [6.14]

 * Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
 * Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
 * Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
 * Mr. Slave: Hi, kids. Hm.
 * Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
 * Cartman: [whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.

 * Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
 * Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
 * Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!

 * Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.

 * Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr. Slave...
 * Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
 * Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
 * Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
 * Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.
 * [school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
 * Mr. Garrison: [slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
 * [school board applaud again]
 * Mr. Garrison: [whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
 * Mr. Slave: [singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?
 * [in Mr. Slave's stomach]
 * Frog King: [to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
 * [back up top]
 * Mr. Slave: Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
 * School Board Member: Courageous.
 * Another School Board Member: So courageous.
 * Mr. Garrison: [finally losing his temper] God damn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!

 * Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
 * Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
 * Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.

 * Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!
 * [everyone laughs]
 * Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.

 * Mr. Slave: [lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!

 * Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--
 * Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
 * Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

The Biggest Douche in the Universe [6.15]

 * Cartman's mom: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
 * Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.
 * Cartman's mom: Why, what's wrong with him?
 * Doctor: It's his time, it's running out.
 * Cartman's mom: Well, what does he need?
 * Doctor: He needs to have more time.
 * Cartman's mom: What can we do?
 * Doctor: Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.

 * John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
 * Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
 * John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
 * Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.
 * John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
 * Stan: I'm 9 years old.
 * John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!
 * Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

 * John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
 * Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.
 * John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
 * Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

 * John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.
 * Woman: My Harry died last year.
 * John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, woo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?
 * Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
 * Audience: Ah, yes!

 * Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is... a stapler. And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

 * Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street Executive with everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become... a carrot!
 * Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
 * Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.

 * Announcer: Rob Schneider derp DE derp. Derp DE derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp DE derp, Ta tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB". Rated PG-13.

 * Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy. And he's about to find out that being 8 isn't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

 * Chef's Dad: [in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] God damn it! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!
 * Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!

 * Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it going?
 * Chef: Cartman?
 * Stan: No, that's Kenny.
 * Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing here?
 * Stan: That's Cartman.

 * Chef's Dad: Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.

 * [After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]
 * Stan and Kyle: Weak!
 * Cartman: [laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.

 * [leaving a John Edward show]
 * Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
 * Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
 * Chef: ...Yeah.

My Future Self n' Me [6.16]

 * Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
 * [Butters goes into the closet]
 * Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
 * [Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
 * Butters: Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
 * Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
 * Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!

 * Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
 * Future Cartman: Right on!
 * Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!
 * Future Cartman: No! Wait!'''
 * [The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]
 * Future Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!

 * Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?

 * Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.

 * Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
 * Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
 * Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Red Sleigh Down [6.17]

 * Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!
 * Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
 * Cartman: Jesus Christ!

 * [Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
 * Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
 * [Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]

 * Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
 * Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
 * Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!

 * Santa: I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!

 * Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

 * Randy: Stan!
 * Sheila: Kyle!

 * [Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]
 * Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
 * Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
 * Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
 * Kenny: Oh, I was just over there. [points off-screen]

title: South Park/Season 6


text:
South Park/Season 7

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Cancelled [7.1]

 * Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
 * [Ike hops onscreen]
 * Kyle: Aw, damn it!
 * Stan: What?
 * Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
 * Ike: Suck my balls.
 * Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me.
 * Cartman ''[to Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
 * Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
 * Cartman: [to Kyle] Alright. [to Ike] Go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.
 * [Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
 * Stan: Dude! Sweet!
 * Kyle: Yeah. Check it out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
 * Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby.
 * Kyle: Kick the baby! [kicks Ike]
 * Ike: Wah! Ow!

 * Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
 * Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?
 * Chef: That's right.
 * Kyle: What a dick.

 * [an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]
 * Kyle: Are you okay?
 * Cartman: Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.
 * Chef: Well, doctor?
 * Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....
 * [the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]
 * Stan: You alright?
 * Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

 * Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

 * Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes. You should be proud!
 * Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings.

 * Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

 * Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jaggon.
 * Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others's jaggons!

Krazy Kripples [7.2]

 * Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.

 * TV reporter: ...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Toilet Paper [7.3]

 * Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
 * Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
 * Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...
 * Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
 * Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
 * Kyle: Oh...ewww!

 * [after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
 * Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
 * Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
 * Kyle: Cartman!
 * Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
 * Kyle: You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] Do it!
 * Cartman: [Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
 * Stan: Cartman, what're you doing?
 * Cartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.

 * Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
 * Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!

 * Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
 * Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.

 * Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
 * Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
 * Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?
 * Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
 * Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.

 * Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
 * Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?

 * Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
 * Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
 * Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
 * Stan: Yes, dude!

I'm A Little Bit Country [7.4]

 * Cartman: [beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
 * Kyle: [smacks Cartman] Not so fast, dude! Everytime we get put in a study group, you sit on your butt and slack off, while we do all of the hard parts!
 * Cartman: Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!
 * Token: [pointing] I don't care what you want, you're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us rather you like this or not!
 * Cartman: Maaaa. M-maaaa.
 * Kyle: [annoyed] Shut up and study!
 * Cartman: Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!
 * Kyle: [irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!
 * Cartman: [gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Token and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]
 * Mr. Garrison: HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM  NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * Kyle: God damn it!
 * Cartman: [celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
 * Kyle: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
 * Cartman: OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!
 * Kyle: YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!
 * Cartman: OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-
 * Kyle: SHUT UP!!!
 * [Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Token later joins in the fight, while Kenny watches]
 * Token: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!
 * [While Cartman, Kyle, and Token are arguing, Stan is seen walking, trying to find another study group when he sees some books shake.]
 * Stan: [quietly] Hello? [pages start coming out of the books] Whoa! Ohhh! Hey, there's pages comin' outta these books!
 * People offscreen:   SHHHHHH!!!!!
 * [The pages fold themselves into Pagelings.]
 * Stan: Who are you, guys?
 * Pagelings: We are the Pagelings!
 * Stan: Huh?
 * Paper Pete: I am Paper Pete, the leader of the Pagelings. But you can call me P.P.
 * Stan: I'll call you Pete.
 * Paper Pete: Okay!
 * Stan: Why are you dudes in the library?
 * Paper Pete: We are the secret guardians of the books in the library. You know those blank pieces of paper in the beginning of old books?
 * Stan: Yeah?
 * Paper Pete: That's us! We revealed ourselves to you, noble giant, because you felt our plight when you saw the damaged books. And now is our darkest hour, for the Moldos have been growing more bold with every attack. Look at the damage done yesterday [pulls out a damaged book] at the Battle of Teddy Bear Joke Book.
 * Stan: Wow! Yeah!
 * Paper Pete: They're massing for a full-scale assault on every book in the library!

 * [breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]
 * Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
 * Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
 * Token: What the hell are they doing now?
 * Kyle: [face palm] Ah, I don't know.
 * Everybody: For the war, against the war- who cares? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
 * Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really do.

Fat Butt and Pancake Head [7.5]

 * Jennifer Lopez: This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!
 * Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.

 * Jennifer Lopez: Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez? Where does she come from?!
 * Record Dude: Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.
 * Jennifer Lopez: I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!

 * Cartman: Mom!
 * Liane: What is it, sweetie?
 * Cartman: Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
 * Liane: Oooh, looks like the tooth fairy was extra happy with you!

 * Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.
 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hennifer Lopez.
 * Cartman: No no, Jeh.
 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Heh.

 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): You can suck my culo, chica!

 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hola, bichola!

 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You bought me roses!
 * Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
 * Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
 * Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I know, my darling, that's okay!

 * Kyle: Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?
 * Cartman: I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
 * Kyle: All right, I guess it's possible.
 * Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!

Lil' Crime Stoppers [7.6]

 * [the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men, trying to get away, accidentally kill themselves in a two car collision that hits and blows up an incoming car and sets all three drivers on fire; a lot of damage has been done, especially as one peddler attempts to get away in a plane, but immediately empties the gas, causing further chaos as it crashed into a post office nearby, blowing up the entire area and setting several more innocent people there on fire]
 * Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!
 * Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
 * Lt. Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
 * Kyle: We're sorry.
 * Lt. Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

 * [the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]
 * Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
 * [the officers begin to giggle]
 * Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?
 * Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
 * Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
 * Cartman: Uh, bonus?
 * Officer Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
 * Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
 * Officer Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
 * Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
 * Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!
 * Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
 * Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!
 * Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
 * Lt. Dawson: What the heck is the problem here?!
 * Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
 * Lt. Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!

Red Man's Greed [7.7]

 * Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
 * Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
 * Stan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
 * Randy: Stan? Okay?
 * Stan: What???
 * Randy: All right? Stan? Okay?
 * Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!
 * Randy:Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.

 * Randy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
 * Stan: No Dad, No!
 * Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

 * Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.

 * Randy: There's more to life than profits.
 * Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
 * Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.

 * Randy: Ah women. God I hate them.

 * Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
 * Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.

 * Indian Chief: Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.
 * Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?

South Park Is Gay! [7.8]

 * Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!

 * Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.
 * Stan: Well what can we do about it?
 * Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.

 * Mr. Garrison: Eric, you're not half bi.
 * Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
 * Mr. Garrison: What?!

 * Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?
 * Mr. Tweek: Why?
 * Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
 * Mr. Slave: Ooh. Jesus Christ!
 * Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
 * Mr. Garrison: Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
 * Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
 * Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
 * Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
 * Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

 * Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
 * Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
 * Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
 * Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzle, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
 * Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
 * Chef: Oh no! Darn it! Don't call it that!

 * All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
 * Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.
 * All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

 * Cartman, Stan, Kenny: We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!

Christian Rock Hard [7.9]

 * Randy: Stan, are you okay?
 * Stan: Yeah, Dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
 * Randy: Oh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door, Eric laughs sarcastically]

 * Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
 * Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
 * Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.
 * Token: [playing a flawless funky bass melody] God damn it.

 * Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
 * Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
 * Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.

 * Butters: Oh, we're not really Christian! We're just pretending we are!

[the elderly woman customer walks away shocked, Cartman glares at Butters]
 * Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

 * Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.

 * Cartman: [singing]
 * Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
 * My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
 * I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
 * Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights?

 * Cartman: [singing]
 * I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus
 * I want to feel his salvation all over my face

 * TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegally downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the heck is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.

 * Kyle: We're not letting you back in our band, Cartman! Back off!
 * Cartman: I don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.

 * Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Eric.
 * Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.

 * James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to protest until music downloading stops.

 * Cartman: Goddammit! [throws his plaque onto the ground, shattering it; the myrrh album falls away]
 * [Faith + 1's fans are stunned and they gasp]
 * Michael Collins: Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.
 * Cartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
 * Michael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
 * Cartman: Oh, Fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams in disbelief]
 * Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
 * Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
 * Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]
 * Man: My ears are bleeding!
 * Token: Good job, dickhead, you've lost the entire audience!
 * Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
 * [Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
 * Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
 * Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down while he tries to recover from his pain and humiliation]
 * [the episode ends]
 * [end credits]

Grey Dawn [7.10]

 * Cartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.
 * Kyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] Dude, don't you get it? Nine people died after they got run over'd! That means we're free!
 * Cartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.

 * Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

 * Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.

 * Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, Dad. Look at you now.
 * Grandpa Marsh: Oh, god damn it! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!
 * Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?
 * Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is going to talk to me like I'm 12!
 * Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmm? Who's a sorry sorry?
 * Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!

 * Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
 * Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!
 * Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

 * Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
 * Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they...get everything done before everyone else is even awake.
 * Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the whole country!
 * Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.
 * Stan: No, come on dad! Can't you guys do it?
 * Randy: No, son, we...like to sleep in.

 * Randy: Son! Avenge me! Avenge... meh!

Casa Bonita [7.11]

 * Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!
 * Cartman: You have AIDS?

 * Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants!
 * Cartman: This Saturday awesome!
 * Kyle: Who said I'm inviting you?
 * Cartman: Your mom said you are taking 3 friends.
 * Kyle: Yes. 3 Friends. You're not my friend.
 * Cartman: Come on Kyle who are you going to invite besides Stan and Kenny?
 * Kyle: I'm going to take Butters. He invited me to his Birthday last month so I owe him one.
 * Cartman: Butters?!! You're going to take that butthole? Why?
 * Kyle: Because Butters have never been a total dick to me!
 * Cartman: I have never been a dick to you!
 * Kyle: Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!
 * Cartman: Kyle, when is the last time I rip on you for being a Jew? [flashback clips occur from when Cartman rips on Kyle for being Jewish on other past episodes] ...OK, expect maybe for that one time.
 * Kyle: You've always been a dick to me Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.
 * Cartman: Kyle, You don't understand. Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. I'll just-I'll Just die if you don't take me, please!
 * Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.
 * Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR FAGGY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYWAY! I'D RATHER HANG OUT AT HOME THAN HAVE TO BE WITH YOU AND YOUR JEW MOM ALL DAY! KISS MY BALLS, ASSHOLE!
 * [Cartman leaves but returns moments later]
 * Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really, really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but I think it was good, and we've moved past it.
 * Kyle: I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
 * Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off again] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!
 * [Cartman leaves and this time, he doesn't return]

 * [Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater]
 * Cartman: Hi, Kyle.
 * Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
 * Cartman: What isn't it?
 * Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.
 * Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
 * Kyle: I know you don't. [closes the door]

 * Cartman: Take that Jimmy and that! DON'T YOU DARE TALK BAD ABOUT KYLE AGAIN! KYLE'S MY FRIEND AND IF YOU SAID IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH KYLE'S MOM I WILL LET YOU REALLY HAVE IT! DID YOU HEAR ME?!! Oh. Hey, Kyle.
 * Kyle: Do you really think beating up handicap kids is being nice?
 * Cartman: Hey Kyle! Knock knock, Kyle! Knock knock!

 * Kyle: Yeah Casa Bonita this Saturday!
 * Butters: Wow, that's going to be so great!
 * Stan: Yeah. Just the four of us.
 * Kenny: Yeah!

 * Cartman: Hey, Kyle.
 * Kyle: Well.
 * Cartman: Well, what?
 * Kyle: How are you going to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?
 * Cartman: I'm not Kyle. I already know you told Butters he can go.
 * Kyle: Oh. Well, I did.
 * Cartman: So fine, Kyle, but honestly I never meant to treat you as you don't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap but we also have been through a lot together. Maybe that alone doesn't makes us friends but it makes us something. So fine, Kyle, I hope things will be cool.
 * Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
 * Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see you later.
 * Kyle: Hey, Cartman? You really sure you don't care if you can't go?
 * Cartman: I care sure but I hope it doesn't mean you, me, Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.
 * Kyle: That's what I wanted to hear from all along. I still have to take Butters but I hope things can be cool to.
 * Cartman: Sure.
 * Kyle: Hey, if for some reason Butters is unable to go you can take his place.
 * Cartman: Sweet whatever! [Walking away from Kyle] Bingo!

 * Kyle: Where is Butters? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.
 * Sheila: Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because it's getting late.
 * Kyle: Yeah screw him let's go.
 * [Doorbell ringing]
 * Kyle: Oh, finally!
 * Cartman: Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.
 * Kyle: Oh. Thanks dude!
 * Cartman: Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.
 * Kyle: Oh wait, Cartman.
 * [Cartman stops]
 * Cartman: Yes?
 * Kyle: Butters didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?
 * Cartman: Butters didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?
 * Kyle: I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?
 * Cartman: Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.
 * Kyle: Alright let's go.
 * Sheila: Okay, boys, get in the car.
 * Cartman: Casa Bonita, here we come.
 * Sheila: Oh Hello, Mr. Stotch.
 * Stephen: Hello, everyone. Have any of you seen our son?
 * Kyle: Butters is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita Tonight.
 * Stephen: We know but he hasn't been home since last Night. The police been looking everywhere but well thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.
 * Kyle: Dude weak.
 * Cartman: Yeah, man That sucks about Butters. Well, let's get going, shall we.
 * Kyle: Nah. Dude, I can't go to a birthday party while Butters is missing.
 * Stan: Yeah, it's kind of weird.
 * Cartman: Yeah, Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters.
 * Kyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.
 * Stan: Yeah.
 * Sheila: That's very good of you boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.
 * Cartman: Next Saturday?!! I'll never be able to keep Butters down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.
 * Stan: Dude we should check over at Stark's pond Butters always hangs out there.
 * Kyle: Yeah and we should try the football field.
 * Sheila: I'll drive you boys.
 * Cartman: OH God damn it. I'm going to try to keep Butters down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.

 * Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?
 * Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.
 * Butters: With my wiener?!

 * Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.
 * Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle! Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Birthday joke. Of course we do whatever Kyle wants. Happy birthday Kyle.

 * Sheila: Wait up, Eric, we need to stay together. (her phone rings) Oh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. (takes it out of her purse and answers it) Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! (to the boys) Boys, they found Butters! (Cartman starts to panic) He's okay!
 * Kyle: Oh, awesome.
 * Stan: I knew he'd turn up.
 * Sheila: ...yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? (she starts to get furious) Oh, really.
 * Kyle: What?
 * Sheila: Yes, I will certainly let him know! Thank you! (hangs up) Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because HE wanted to go to Casa Bonita.
 * Kyle: What?!
 * Sheila: Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!
 * Cartman: But... Casa Bonita!
 * Kyle: I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
 * Cartman: But I... (turns back and holds Kyle) Stand back!
 * Stan: Cartman, you don't have to do this.
 * Cartman: I am going to Casa Bonita! (the boys hear police sirens)
 * Kyle: It's too late, fatass, They'll be here in less than a minute!
 * Cartman: Ah...nyah! (throws Kyle and runs inside Casa Bonita in a state of panic) Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
 * Kyle: Cartman!

 * Police Officer: Well, kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Was it all worth it?
 * Cartman: ...Totally.

All About the Mormons? [7.12]

 * Mr. Garrison: Wow, it seems like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?

 * Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche.
 * Cartman: Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.
 * Butters: He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.
 * Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan!
 * Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.
 * Stan: [unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.
 * Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
 * Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.
 * Craig: Yeah, little bitch!
 * Stan: Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]
 * Cartman: Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?

 * Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butt hole!

 * Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!
 * Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!

 * Gary: Hey, Stan.
 * Stan: Oh, brother.
 * Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!
 * Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.
 * Stan: ...I don't?
 * Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
 * [Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened]
 * Cartman: Darn, that kid is cool, huh?

 * Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm going to go kick this Mr. Harrison's leg! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison...is a...is a white guy, right?

Butt Out [7.13]

 * South Park Elementary. Kids are made to watch a ridiculous dance number in auditorium
 * Dance Number: Butt out, come on, give that cigarette butt a throw!...And remember kids, if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be just like us!
 * [Stan and the others are seen fervently smoking in the next scene]
 * Cartman: Oh, shit! Here comes Mr. Mackey.
 * [The boys throw their still-lit cigarettes into a nearby dumpster, then manage to stop coughing]

 * [A fire has started in the dumpster; Mr. Mackey is unaware of this]
 * Mr. Mackey: Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay? If you start smoking at an early age, it's gonna be bad, m'kay? [The fire quickly spreads across the whole school; Mr. Mackey remains unaware] Smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. M'kay, let me tell you something about cancer. Uh, cancer's bad, m'kay, and, uh--[realizes that the school is burning] What? What the? HOLY SHIT!! M'kay?

 * Cartman: He just goes around imposing his will on people, he's my idol.

 * Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.

 * Cartman: Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away from them! You're awesome.

 * Factory Worker 1: [singing] I like to have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.
 * Factory Worker 2: [singing] And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the heck wants to be 90 anyway?

 * Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner. And you've just been Reiner'd!

 * Cartman: I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [grabs the fork and stabs on Rob Reiner's belly]
 * Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo!

Raisins [7.14]

 * Bebe: Wendy breaks up.
 * Stan: What?
 * Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you.
 * Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!

 * Bebe: Whatever! You guys are holes!
 * Butters: At least we have holes, you dumb girl!

 * Jimmy: Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy.
 * Wendy: Yeah?
 * Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a, cont... Stan says you're a... cont, cont [sounding like cunt]
 * Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off! [leaves]
 * Jimmy: Cont...continuing source of inspiration to him.

 * Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

 * Goth Kid: You can't be a nonconformist if you don't drink coffee.

 * Goth Kid: If you want to be one of the nonconformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.

 * Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

 * Stan: Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token, [flips him off] right here, buddy.
 * [Token and Wendy walk off angrily]
 * Kyle: Oh, dude. It's good to have you back.
 * Stan: Yeah, let's play ball.

It's Christmas in Canada [7.15]

 * Harry Gints: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
 * Gerald Broflovski: Yes, I can tell.

 * Harry Gints: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars...

 * Harry Gints: [referring to Ike] We're going to take good care of him.
 * Kyle: [coldly] You'd better.

 * Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.

 * Mr. Garrison: How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.
 * Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"
 * Mr. Garrison: Rats!

 * Cartman: [to Kyle] YOU F**KING ASSHOLE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
 * Kyle: What?
 * Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! YOU F**KING JEWS RUIN CHRISTMAS AGAIN! [screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]
 * Stan: Whoa, whoa, Cartman!
 * Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?

 * City Wok. Mr. Tuong is sitting in an empty restaurant
 * Mr. Tuong{talking to himself}: Stupid Christmas. No one eat Chinese food.
 * Phone rings
 * Mr. Tuong: Oh boy, some business! Picks up phone Hello, Shitty Wok, wanna try our shitty pork?
 * Broflovski residence. Kyle called
 * Kyle: Sorry, I must have called the wrong number. I was looking for City Airlines.
 * Mr. Tuong: Oh right. One moment please. I will put you through.
 * Mr. Tuong puts on pilot's cap and flips over sign. City Wok now reads City Airlines
 * Mr. Tuong: Herro, Shitty Airlines!
 * Kyle: We need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
 * Mr. Tuong: Ooh, Canada. Okay. That's pretty far. Gonna cost a Lotta money. Let's see. How many people?
 * Kyle: Four.
 * Mr. Tuong: Okay. [under his breath] Four people...Canada...cost a Lotta money... [normal] It's gonna be about, uh, 6,500 dollars!
 * Kyle: How 'bout 50 dollars?
 * Mr. Tuong: Fifty dollars?! You fry to Canada! Cost at least three thousand dollars!
 * Kyle: 55 dollars.
 * Mr. Tuong: Hey stop wasting my time with fifty five dollars. No way I take my plane to Canada for ress than 1,000 dollars!
 * Kyle: Okay. 60 dollars.
 * Mr. Tuong: 62 dollars.
 * Kyle: Okay.
 * Mr. Tuong: Okay, meet me Park County Airfield, Yellow Sesnut, Tair Number 432-G.
 * Kyle: Got it. [Both hang up phone]
 * Mr. Tuong: [slight pause] He he he. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!

 * Mr. Twong: Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!
 * Cartman: Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.
 * Kenny: Me neither.
 * Kyle: Why not?!
 * Kenny: 'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!
 * Kyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!
 * Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
 * Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
 * Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

 * Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!
 * Cartman: Weak.

 * Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for frying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.

 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.
 * Kyle: French Canada?
 * French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!
 * Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!
 * Hockey Player: We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!
 * Artist: Would you like a mustache?
 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.
 * Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
 * Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
 * Kyle: We don't have time for this.
 * Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
 * Kyle: [grudgingly playing along] Hello.
 * Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!
 * Artist: How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!
 * Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.
 * Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!
 * French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--
 * Mime: --is a bull shoot Canada!
 * French Canadians: [singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!
 * Mime: I think you'd understand. You understand.

 * [Scott appears suddenly]
 * Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!
 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Argh!
 * Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!
 * Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a dick, Scott!

 * Kyle: God dammit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!
 * Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

 * Kyle: Can we just get going please?
 * Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah sure, there's just one problem.
 * Stan: What?
 * Steve the Newfoundlander: You folks are going the wrong way.
 * Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!
 * Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.
 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!
 * Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
 * Mime: Ah yes! Let's wish ourselves there!
 * [harps and angelic choir music is heard]
 * Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it working?

 * Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

 * Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.

 * Saddam Hussein: Uh, don't shoot! I want to negotiate! Hey, relax!

 * [Cartman's watch goes off]
 * Stan: What is that?
 * Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.
 * Kyle: Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!
 * Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]
 * Kyle: Dude, come on.
 * Cartman: Well, now you're going to get it, motherf**ker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!
 * Kyle: [Softly] Uh, Okay.....
 * [Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably]
 * Cartman: Waaaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahh! Mooooom! Mooooom!
 * Rick, the Proud Mountie: Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: South Park/Season 7