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Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm in the Middle is an American sitcom shown on Fox from January 9, 2000 to May 14, 2006. The series was created by Linwood Boomer and starred Frankie Muniz as the titular character Malcolm. And is filmed by Satin City Regency Television and Fox Television Studios and sometimes on 20th Television.

Pilot

 * Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

 * Lois: Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

 * Malcolm: And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!
 * [Flashbacks with Francis being brought home in handcuffs by the police.]
 * Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.
 * [Scene switches to Francis having sex with his girlfriend, BeeBee.]
 * Francis: I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance.
 * [Scene switches to Francis destroying a neighbor's car by setting it on fire, which explained his eventual arrest.]
 * Francis: Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.
 * [Flashback ends as Malcolm faces the audience]
 * Malcolm: It's not like it was even "our" car.

 * [At Malcolm's school, Kitty Kenarban, is his teacher in his class. Her personality is more cynical and stern]
 * Kitty: Those of you who are finished with your temper painting can bring it up here and start on your charcoal still life. You may take two pieces of fruit with you, but please be care with them, I bought them with my own money. My own money.

Red Dress

 * Lois:[calling] Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present? I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!

 * [Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
 * Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
 * Malcolm: Mom, what?
 * Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
 * Reese: Malcolm did it!
 * Malcolm: Reese did it!
 * Reese: I didn't do it!
 * Malcolm: I didn't do it!
 * Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

 * Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
 * Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
 * Reese: [different time] I don't know.
 * Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

 * Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?
 * Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
 * Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
 * Malcolm: No.
 * Dewey: I can.

Home Alone 4

 * Stevie: Dear... penthouse...
 * Malcolm: Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.
 * Stevie: Point... taken.

 * Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
 * Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
 * Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
 * Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
 * Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
 * Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

 * [After cleaning up the house]
 * Francis: It's perfect.
 * Reese: The house has never been this clean.
 * Malcolm: Uh-oh.
 * Francis: What?
 * Malcolm: It's too clean.
 * Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
 * [The boys start messing up the house]

Shame

 * Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!
 * Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
 * Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
 * Nurse: He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...
 * Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...
 * [Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]
 * Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
 * Kevin: [bawling] I want my Teletubby!
 * Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
 * Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?
 * Malcolm: I didn't know!
 * Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!
 * Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!
 * Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
 * Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

 * Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
 * Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Malcolm Babysits

 * Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
 * Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

 * Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
 * Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
 * Dewey: An evil circus?
 * Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
 * Dewey: Thank you.

Sleepover

 * Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
 * Security Guard: What's it look like?
 * Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

 * [Francis is hanging upside down]
 * Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
 * Francis: I'm really not. No.
 * Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
 * Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
 * [Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
 * Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
 * Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
 * [The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Francis Escapes

 * Lois: Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

 * [After finding out Francis escaped]
 * Malcolm: Mom, I'm sure he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
 * Hal: Why do you think he's okay?
 * Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
 * Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
 * Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
 * Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
 * Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
 * Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Krelboyne Picnic

 * Malcolm: [about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
 * Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
 * Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
 * Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Lois vs. Evil

 * [Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door.]
 * Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
 * Reese: Another hour.
 * Hal: Yeaow.

 * Lois:[Confronting Mr. Pinter] Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.

Stock Car Races

 * [Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]
 * Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
 * Dewey: [hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
 * Reese: What are you doing?
 * Dewey: [continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
 * Reese: Cut it out!
 * Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
 * Reese: Knock it off, you little...
 * Lois: [from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
 * Reese: I didn't do anything!
 * Lois: No!
 * Reese: He was lying!
 * [Dewey takes Reese's spot]
 * Malcolm: [to the camera] I gave him that.

 * Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
 * Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
 * Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Funeral

 * Lois: Who's this?
 * Reese: How should I know?
 * Lois: Hal?
 * Hal: Beats me.
 * Lois: Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
 * Dewey: Uh-huh.
 * Lois: Who is he?
 * Dewey: I dunno.
 * Hal: What's your name, son?
 * Egg: [Whispering] Egg.
 * Hall: Did he say Greg?
 * Lois: I thought he said Craig.
 * Dewey: His name is Egg.
 * Hal: Egg?
 * Dewey: I named him.
 * Lois: Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?
 * Dewey: Okay.

 * Malcolm:[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
 * Francis:[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.
 * [Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]
 * Francis: No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
 * Malcolm: A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

 * [Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]
 * Lois: Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
 * Dewey: Present?
 * Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
 * Hal: I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
 * Malcolm:[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
 * [Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]
 * Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
 * Dewey: Mighty Man?!
 * Lois: I can't believe you.
 * Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
 * Reese:[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
 * Lois:[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.
 * Reese: You did!
 * Lois: Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

 * Lois: [At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
 * Lawyer: Can I have my phone back?
 * Lois: I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
 * [Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]
 * Lois: [yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
 * [Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]
 * Lois: [to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.

Cheerleader

 * Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
 * Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
 * Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
 * Reese: There's six steps?
 * Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
 * Reese: You remember that by just watching?
 * Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
 * Reese: So, you know my routine?
 * Malcolm: It's not that hard.
 * Reese: But... you know my routine.
 * Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
 * Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
 * Malcolm: That is where I was going.
 * Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
 * Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
 * Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.
 * Malcolm: What?
 * Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

 * Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
 * Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
 * Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
 * Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
 * Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
 * [Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
 * Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Rollerskates

 * [Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]
 * Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
 * Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]
 * [Lois opens her mouth to scream]
 * [Lois emits a pained squeak]
 * Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?
 * Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

 * Reese: I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
 * Malcolm: Do you think he told mom?
 * Reese: I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.
 * Malcolm: What are you talking about?
 * Reese:[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

The Bots and the Bees

 * Hal: [answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

 * Spangler: Hello!
 * Lois: Who are you?
 * Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
 * Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
 * Spangler: Pardon?
 * Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
 * Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
 * Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
 * Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
 * Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
 * Spangler: [walking away] God, she is magnificent.

Smunday

 * Malcolm: They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
 * Reese: So where's the real letter?
 * Malcolm: I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
 * Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
 * Malcolm: You WHAT?!
 * [A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]

 * [A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]
 * Lois: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!
 * Reese: OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.
 * Lois: Oh, shut up, Reese!
 * Malcolm': Mom, stop it. You're sick.
 * Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?
 * [Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]
 * Lois: He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...
 * [She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]

 * Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
 * Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.
 * Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
 * Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
 * Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
 * Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
 * Malcolm: Yeah. You can yell at us now.
 * Francis: No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't have ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

Water Park

 * Hal: [bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?
 * Malcolm: How?
 * Hal: I need someone to take the fall.
 * Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God...
 * Malcolm: What did you do?
 * Hal: I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
 * Lois: Oh, my God!
 * Malcolm: Make it ten.
 * Hal: Done.
 * Lois: Oh, my God!
 * Hal: [whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

 * Malcolm: Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
 * [flashback]
 * Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]
 * Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
 * Baby-sitter C: [locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
 * [back to the present]
 * Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

 * Lois: Do you think we're wealthy? Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford to get their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and they go again. Your father and I work so hard, we work so long. What is WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! ARE YOU ABORIGINES?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting, and I pray to God it's someone else's kids, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys! It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer too! So, help me... [Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.] Don't you dare!
 * [Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
 * Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
 * Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
 * Malcolm: Yeah.
 * Reese: You're gonna die.
 * Malcolm: I know. So, you think she's okay?
 * [Lois grabs Malcolm's nose plug and pulls the two of them down the slide.]

Traffic Jam

 * [Outside Wavetown USA's waterpark entrance.]
 * Malcolm:[first lines] Ok, here's the thing about my family. We don't go on a lot of outings together, but when we do, there's a little thing we always ends up observing.
 * (Hal is talking to a security guard, after his family is banned from the Wavetown USA's waterpark)
 * Hal: When you say "lifetime ban", I mean, who's lifetime are you talking about?
 * (Lois is seen dragging Malcolm and Reese by the ear, while the security guard sends Hal on his way out to the parking lot for the rule violations the family has incurred. This includes Hal sneaking alcohol in a suntan lotion, along with the boys fighting)
 * Lois:[punishing Malcolm and Reese] Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
 * Malcolm: Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
 * [Lois continues dragging Malcolm along with Reese to the family car.]

 * [The children is arguing with Clyde of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!
 * Erin: He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!
 * Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! PURE EVIL!
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.
 * [The driver goes back into the ice cream truck and shuts the door]
 * Reese: You son of a!
 * Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
 * Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
 * [Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
 * Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
 * Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
 * Jessica: I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.
 * Malcolm: Malcolm, crappy minivan.

 * Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
 * Construction Worker: That's right.
 * Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
 * Construction Worker: That's right.
 * Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

 * [Reese tries to break the back door of the ice cream truck with a crowbar. Suddenly, Mr. Wells comes to grabs his arms]
 * Mr. Wells: Hey, not so fast, Charlie!
 * Reese: Let go of me!
 * Mr. Wells: What are you think you're doing, huh?
 * Reese: Nothing! Just going from a wall!
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: What the hell's going on?!
 * Mr. Wells: That kid was trying to break into your truck!
 * Reese: Let go of me, man! I want some damn ice cream!
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: You don't deserve ice cream!
 * Reese: Yeah? Well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!
 * [He stomps his foot, Mr. Wells screams and runs away]'
 * Mr. Wells: Come here, you punk! You little punk!
 * Clyde the Ice Cream Man: That will teach you to mess with me! I was disturb to here in my country!
 * [He goes back into the ice cream truck and closes it. He was gasps that the ice cream is messed up]

Halloween Approximately

 * [Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
 * Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
 * Reese: I think before Dewey.
 * [The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
 * Malcolm: It's all you, man.
 * [Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
 * Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.

 * Francis: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.
 * Reese: Yeah it is. It's the 31st.
 * Francis: No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
 * Reese: No, look! It is the 31st!

Lois' Birthday

 * Boy: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
 * Lois: [inside a batting cage] I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

 * [After Francis keeps talking to another girl]
 * Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
 * Francis: Oh.
 * Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Dinner Out

 * Lois: It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited us to dinner.
 * Hal: Good for you.
 * Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to have dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner.
 * Hal: I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
 * [The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths]

 * Abe: [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
 * Hal: How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
 * Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
 * Hal: Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
 * Abe: Damn it. Enough is enough! [gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot]
 * Hal: You go, Abe!

Casino

 * Lois: Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?
 * Hal: We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.
 * Lois: Okay, what you've done?
 * Hal: Uh...
 * Lois: Why are you avoiding the casino?

 * Reese: I'm thirsty.
 * Malcolm: Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.
 * Reese: Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Convention

 * Malcolm: [about Dewey] I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

 * Patty Henderson: Hi, I'm Patty. Your babysitter?

 * Lois: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
 * Hal: [all worked up] Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
 * Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
 * Hal: [looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again] Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. [calming down] I have a legitimate situation here.
 * Lois: I know, baby. [kisses Hal]
 * [Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him.]

Robbery

 * Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
 * Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
 * Hal: Well, did you push him back?
 * Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
 * Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
 * Reese: I'm on it.

 * Craig: Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.
 * Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
 * Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!
 * Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
 * Craig: What about the safe?
 * Robber: What safe?
 * Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

Therapy

 * Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
 * Hal: We've never finished our last family project.
 * Lois: Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

 * Reese: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
 * Malcolm: Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
 * Reese: Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

High School Play

 * Dewey: Live, live, die! [Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away] Live, live, live, live, die! [Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]
 * Hal: Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?
 * Dewey: I had them lined up and shot.
 * Hal: You know son, maybe you've been spending too much...
 * Dewey: Silence! Seize him! [Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]
 * Hal: All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. [Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]
 * Dewey: Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men!
 * [Lois arrives home]
 * Lois: Hal! Why is this still here! [Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror] Ow.
 * [Reese runs in when he hears noise]
 * Reese: No fair! You did it without me!

The Bully

 * [At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]
 * Eric: Hold him down! You, shave his butt!
 * Francis: Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!
 * Lois: Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.
 * Francis: But Mom-!
 * Lois: Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.
 * Francis: Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!
 * Lois: I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!
 * Francis: What stories?!
 * Lois: Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?
 * Francis: Which were never caught!

 * Malcolm: You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!
 * Reese: My name isn't Reese anymore.
 * Malcolm: Then what is it?
 * Reese: I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

Old Mrs. Old

 * Mrs. Griffin: What are you doing in my yard?

 * Lois: [to Malcolm] At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
 * Hal: Count your blessings, son.
 * Lois: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
 * Malcolm: Every day?!
 * Lois: Not one word! Every day! End of story!

 * Reese: Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?
 * Dewey: Is one of them fat?
 * Reese: It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

Krelboyne Girl

 * Reese: Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?
 * Malcolm: She's not my girlfriend.
 * Reese: I don't know. I think I see a spark. [bops Cynthia's nose] Boop!
 * Cynthia: Please don't do that.
 * Malcolm: [to the camera] Yeah, that'll help.
 * Reese: Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.
 * [Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table]
 * Cynthia: Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
 * Reese: [sobbing in pain] My body is composed entirely of snot.
 * Cynthia: [to Malcolm] Anything you'd like to add?
 * Malcolm: I'm good.
 * [Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain]

 * Cynthia: Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? [imitates Lloyd] I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. [imitates Dabney] Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? [Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd] I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. [Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney] Waiting is such sweet agony. [Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd] Okay, I'm ready. [imitates Dabney] Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. [imitates Lloyd] Oh, you're such a tease.
 * [Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves]

 * Cynthia's dad: Why the hell did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 in the morning?!

New Neighbors

 * Reese: AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me!
 * Lois: Uh, your daughter is biting my son.
 * Reese: She won't let go!
 * Tina: Oh, look, they're just playing.
 * Reese: Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy! Oww! Ow!
 * [Lois calmly goes over to where Emily is biting Reese's leg, then reaches down and pinches her nose shut.]
 * Lois: Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

 * Lois: What are you looking at?
 * Hal: Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
 * Lois: Really?
 * Hal: Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
 * Lois: Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".
 * Hal: Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
 * Lois: 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Hal Quits

 * Craig: Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. [hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off]
 * Francis: Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
 * Craig: I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

 * Lois: [about his painting] You are gonna finish it!
 * Hal: [filled with rage] Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it! [picks up some paint and splashes it around the board] How about some here... and there... how about there? [suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it]
 * Reese: Awesome!
 * Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.
 * Hal: [happily] I did it!

The Grandparents

 * Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
 * Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
 * Malcolm: I know.
 * Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
 * Malcolm: Back to their own home.
 * Lois: Yeah... that's what I meant.

 * Hal: First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?
 * Victor: What?!
 * Hal: Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
 * Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
 * Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
 * Ida: He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

Traffic Ticket

 * Reese: [as Lois is pulled over by a cop] Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.
 * Lois:[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

 * Lois: Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
 * [Seconds later, Lois is arrested when the cop learns that she has 16 unpaid parking tickets]
 * Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets. The computer's wrong. You are not getting away with this!

 * Hal: I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
 * [The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
 * Francis: Mom, just calm down.
 * Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
 * Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
 * Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
 * [After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
 * Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
 * Lois: Excuse me?!
 * Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
 * Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
 * Francis: [sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the police, you ship me off to military school! Ironic, isn't it?!
 * Lois: That cop was out to get me!
 * Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
 * Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
 * Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
 * Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Surgery

 * Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.
 * Reese: So does mine!
 * Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
 * Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
 * Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
 * Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
 * Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
 * Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
 * Lois: Everybody's going!

 * Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
 * [Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
 * Reese: Gimme that!
 * Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
 * Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
 * Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
 * Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
 * Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
 * [Everyone stares at Malcolm]
 * Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
 * Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Reese Cooks

 * Hal: Whatcha' doing there, son?
 * Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
 * Hal: What's Dewey doing?
 * Malcolm: Coloring.
 * Hal: I better get in there.

 * Hal: Reese, do you know what empathy is?
 * Reese: No.
 * Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
 * Reese: Then why would you want empathy?
 * Hal: [turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

Tutoring Reese

 * Lois: Francis, I don't want to have another argument again! You are going to fix the roof!

 * [upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]
 * Lois: [to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN "F"?! You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
 * Mr. Woodward: There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
 * Lois: Oh, I don't think so!
 * Mr. Woodward: Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
 * Lois: Don't you threaten me!
 * Mr. Woodward: This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
 * Lois: [points to Malcolm] You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
 * Malcolm: What?!
 * Lois: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
 * Mr. Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
 * [Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
 * Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! [sobbing]
 * [Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
 * Woodward: Maybe we can work something out.

Bowling

 * Hal: [goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.
 * [Reese peeks out just in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
 * Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
 * [The large man pushes Reese back into the photo booth and goes inside with him. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

 * Malcolm: Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
 * Reese: Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
 * [Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]
 * Malcolm: You can go now, thanks for the ride.
 * Lois: Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
 * Malcolm: Mom, please don't....
 * Lois: WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
 * Reese: Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
 * Lois: [ignoring Reese] Ok, it's me.

 * [Dewey is faking crying in the bedroom as Lois walks by carrying a basket of clean laundry to the master bedroom.]
 * Lois: Not Buying It!

Malcolm vs. Reese

 * Francis: How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
 * Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
 * Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
 * [Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
 * Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
 * Reese: We are happy!
 * Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.

 * [Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
 * Officer 2: License and registration, please.
 * Francis: Officer, what did I do?
 * Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
 * Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
 * [He digs into his wallet to find nothing but a small slip of paper saying, "IT GETS WORSE."]
 * Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again. License and registration.
 * Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
 * ''[Francis and the cop hear banging from inside the trunk.]
 * Officer 2: Open the trunk, sir!
 * Francis: Officer, let me explain...
 * Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!
 * [Francis unlocks the trunk. The officer opens it and finds Malcolm and Reese lying inside, bound and gagged.]
 * Officer 2: [drawing his gun] GET OUT OF THE CAR!

Mini-Bike

 * Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
 * Craig: What does it say on this jar?
 * Lois: "Craig."
 * Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
 * Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
 * Craig: Ok, false alarm.
 * Lois:[annoyed] We burned the man's house down.

 * Lois:[turns off the mini bike with the key and takes it out] It's no one's! What's wrong with you boys?! You aren't allowed to have a motorcycle.

 * Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
 * [The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]
 * Hal: Francis!
 * Commandant Spangler: On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
 * Francis: He was hugging his dad!
 * Commandant Spangler: In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
 * Hal: And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
 * Commandant Spangler: Every time.
 * Hal: Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
 * Commandant Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
 * Hal: I understand.
 * Commandant Spangler: [turns to Francis] I will deal with you, later.

Carnival

 * [The phone rings]
 * Hal: Let the machine get it.
 * Francis: Hello, it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg  when they...
 * Lois: Francis, are you okay?
 * Francis: Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.
 * Lois: Honey, what's wrong?
 * Francis: The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.
 * Lois: What do you want, Francis?
 * Francis: I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.
 * Lois: Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.
 * Francis: Alright, let me talk to my brothers.
 * Lois: They're not here.
 * Francis: Then what are you...ew...oh...

 * Kitty: Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...
 * Lois: Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to hear him yell back.
 * Kitty: I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.
 * Lois: Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.
 * Kitty: How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?
 * Lois: I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.
 * Hal: Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?
 * Abe: Not as much as you think. When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.
 * Kitty: Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...

Evacuation

 * Malcolm: What are you doing with toilet paper?
 * Reese: I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the "specially seasoned" meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.
 * Malcolm: You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
 * Reese Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

 * Dewey: We're sorry we left the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

 * Guard: Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!
 * Hal: I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?
 * Guard: If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.

Flashback

 * Reese: Ha ha. Stupid bug.
 * [Reese touches the bug zapper]
 * Reese: OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!

 * [A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]
 * Lois: Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!
 * Francis: That it went faster.
 * Lois: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
 * Hal: I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...
 * Lois: Boys! Go to your room!

Houseboat

 * Lois: [After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
 * Malcolm: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person.
 * Lois: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father.
 * Reese: Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. [Giving a glass of tea to Lois] Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
 * Lois: That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. [Phone rings] You go and make it right.

 * Lois: [on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.
 * Francis: You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That more than what you or dad make.
 * Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.
 * Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. [All is quiet for a moment.] Okay, now we both know.
 * Lois: Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it and if you FLUNK OUT then that's just another year you're stuck there.
 * Francis: You just can't stand the fact that i'll be making more MONEY THAN YOU! (slams the phone into the wall, it drops on his foot causing him to scream and pain and bump into the trophy case) whew that was close. (the trophy case loses a leg and falls on Francis).

 * Lois:[looking at a letter concerning Francis] Oh my GOD!!!!
 * Hal: What is it?
 * Lois: It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska!
 * Hal: That's impossible. He can't take himself out of school. He has to have our permission.
 * Lois: No, he doesn't! [Shows Hal and the boys a legal document] He got himself legally emancipated!

Emancipation

 * [The Krelboynes are discussing their new teacher]
 * Stevie: What...a jerk!
 * Lloyd: Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!
 * Dabney: No! No more death pacts!

 * [After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]
 * Lois: Francis, I'm listening...
 * Francis: This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! [Lois looks stunned] I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
 * Lois: [furious] I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
 * Francis: You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school!
 * Lois: We went without for that school!
 * Francis: [sarcastic] Oh, maybe I should thank you? Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!
 * [Hal and the boys go back inside the house. The rest of the argument between Lois and Francis continues offscreen.]
 * Lois: "A Living hell?" You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
 * Francis: Well your problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm outta here!

Book Club

 * Lois: [Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
 * Reese: How did she?!
 * Malcolm: I don't know.
 * Lois: You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
 * [a police helicopter approaches Lois]
 * Pilot: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
 * [An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
 * Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

 * Lois: You know ladies, I just realize something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society.
 * [The women cheered.]
 * Lois: No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overachieving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
 * [Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]

Malcolm's Girlfriend

 * Reese: You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
 * Malcolm: You can't just turn off your brain.
 * Reese: Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
 * Malcolm: [snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
 * [Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]
 * Malcolm: Reese...? Reese!
 * [Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]
 * Reese: Oh, man, how long was I out?

 * Lois: [Sighs] OK, Malcolm. I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna give you a 'Free Pass'. Every time any of you boys do something important that your father should not see you doing, I give each of you 1 free pass per month.

 * Lois: [as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
 * Malcolm: [Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!

Charity

 * Hal: You've been stealing money from the Church?!
 * Reese: And maybe some...merchandise.
 * [Reese opens the closet revealing a loot of stolen donations.]
 * Hal: Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! [He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.] Oh! Oh, my God!
 * Malcolm: Dudes, get him some oxygen!
 * Hal: My boys are thieves!

 * [Upon realizing the boys stole an air tank.]
 * Hal: You stole air?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame you could bring upon our entire family?! Do you?!
 * Reese: Forget that, what's Mom gonna say?!

 * Lois: That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?
 * Reese, Dewey & Malcolm: No.

 * [Hal's car has broken down due to a faulty battery and he pulls over.]
 * Hal: OH, DAMN!
 * Dewey: It's God! He found Us!
 * Hal: It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!
 * Malcolm: Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

Health Scare

 * Reese: Hey Mom, Hey Dad.
 * Lois: What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!
 * Reese: Sorry.
 * Lois: How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
 * Malcolm: We'll clean it up.
 * Lois: That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
 * Reese: What?
 * Malcolm: You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
 * Lois: You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
 * Malcolm: Dad!
 * Hal: You heard your mother!
 * Reese: This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
 * Lois: Go to your room!

 * Lois: Dewey, I said "NO"! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?
 * Dewey: No.....

 * Lois: How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
 * Malcolm: Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard on a little mud on the floor!
 * Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
 * Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
 * Malcolm: Keep it cool!
 * Hal: You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
 * Dewey: [calm] Can I have a napkin?
 * Hal: I cannot believe you two!
 * Lois: Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
 * Reese: You can't do that!
 * Malcolm: You're crazy!
 * Hal: You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
 * Reese: This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
 * [Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]
 * Malcolm: What was that all about?
 * Reese: I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

Christmas

 * Reese: Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
 * Lois: I have HAD IT!
 * [Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
 * Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
 * Lois: I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
 * Dewey: She's stealing Christmas.
 * Malcolm: Mom, you can't do this.
 * Reese: Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
 * Dewey: WHAT?!
 * Lois: If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
 * Reese: [to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
 * [Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]

 * [In the last flashback, Lois and Hal are seen running around in front of a burning Christmas tree form the boys' prank]
 * Lois: Who did this?! Who did this!
 * Hal: Drop and roll honey!
 * Lois: WHO DID THIS!!!!!!
 * Hal: For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.

 * [Francis has found a closet of Christmas gifts Ida has kept for petty offences]
 * Francis: Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!
 * Ida: What are you talking about?
 * Francis: Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!
 * Ida: A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]
 * Francis: What?
 * Ida: Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]
 * Francis: Grandma?
 * Ida: My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

Poker

 * [At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].
 * Lavernia: Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
 * Francis [incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
 * Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No one's crying for me!

Reese's Job

 * Barton: Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
 * Richie: Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

 * Lois: Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
 * Dewey: I want a beagle.
 * Lois:[angry]''': Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!!

Lois's Makeover

 * Reese: Yes.
 * Malcolm: That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.
 * Hal: Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.
 * Malcolm: We have to do the play.
 * Reese: We can't. We only practiced it once.
 * Dewey: It won't work.
 * Malcolm: It will work. We just got to believe.
 * Hal: It's go time, ladies.
 * Dewey: The future is now, old man.

 * Lois: [to Mr. Fisher] A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. [Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]
 * Mr. Fisher: Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?

Company Picnic (Part 1)

 * Hal: What do you think? This or this?
 * Lois: What are you doing?!
 * Hal: This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot.
 * Lois: You're making too much of this.
 * Hal: No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It sets the  tone for the relationship.
 * [Hal's montage with new employers]
 * Manager: Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
 * Miss Plum: Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
 * Hal: Same here, and what do we have here?
 * Miss Plum: My big fat stomach.
 * Manager #2: I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
 * Hal: It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
 * Mr. Jacobson: Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
 * Hal: No, I haven't.
 * Mr. Jacobson: Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
 * Hal: Hi. I'm Hal.
 * Kelly: Hi, so nice to... [Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
 * Steve: She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
 * Kelly: I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
 * Steve: You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!

 * Laurie: Malcolm, can I ask you something?
 * Malcolm: Sure.
 * Laurie: if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
 * Malcolm: I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
 * Laurie: Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
 * Malcolm: I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.
 * Laurie: Honestly, you have no idea.
 * Malcolm: I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.
 * Laurie: Oh, no!
 * Malcolm: What?
 * Laurie: oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!
 * Malcolm: It's okay.
 * Laurie: No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!
 * Malcolm: Really, it's not that. ..
 * Two-Legged Race Instructor: Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.

Company Picnic (Part 2)

 * Dewey: Hey, I want candy!
 * Lois: What did I tell you? Sit in that chair and wait until the picnic is over!
 * Meg's Husband: Excuse me? Are you Lois?
 * Lois: Yes.
 * Meg's Husband: Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16. Mt mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they get along. My mother's important to me. I didn't say anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest. It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is in porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance.

 * Dewey: Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
 * Lois: OK.
 * Meg: Lois!
 * Lois: You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
 * Meg: You told my husband I was insane and should be committed!
 * Lois: I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
 * Meg: What?! I didn't tell him!
 * Lois: You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... [Meg smacks Lois in the face]
 * Lois: Oh! I don't think you understood me. [Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]

Reese Drives

 * [Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]
 * Hal: You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
 * Francis: I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
 * Hal: No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
 * Francis: I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
 * [Hal hangs up]

 * Francis: [over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?
 * Reese: [over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!
 * Francis: Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-
 * [Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]
 * Francis: ...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-
 * [Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
 * Francis: ...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-
 * [Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
 * Francis: ...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!
 * [Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]
 * Reese: Class...
 * Francis: [over the phone] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!
 * [Reese hangs up]

Cynthia's Back

 * Malcolm: He's just using you and what's worse is you're falling for it!
 * Cynthia: Leave me alone!
 * Reese: You heard her.
 * Malcolm: But... What's her name?
 * Reese: What?
 * Malcolm: What's her name?
 * Reese: I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...
 * [He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]
 * Cynthia: [beating Reese to a pulp] HOW CAN YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE THE REMOTEST SENSE OF DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING?! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!
 * [Malcolm salutes jauntily and walks out of the room as Cynthia continues kicking Reese.]
 * Cynthia: [offscreen] I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!

 * [Francis is trying to make sense of a totem pole]
 * Francis: I've fasted, I've meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just wanna know what to do! What am I missing?! The wolf...that's loyalty. And the eagle...keen sight...insight! And the frog is...bug eating! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! Please just give me a sign, or a signal or something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in] Oh my God!
 * Inuit Man: You the dirtbag that took my pole?! That's my pole, I want it back!
 * Francis: Oh, of course. I'm sorry. Listen, I didn't take it but please, I'm going crazy; can you tell me what it means?
 * Inuit Man: Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my car port.
 * Francis: What? You use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
 * Inuit Man: Sacred? It's a decoration, like a coat of arms or a story book. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
 * Francis: But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy!
 * Inuit Man: You white boys are all the same. [sarcastic] I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirits of the wind! [angry] I've got news for you, pal: I work for a living! I'm a Baptist and I'm proud of it! Oh, and I have only one word for snow...SNOW!

 * Karen: Oh, by the way, I lived in your house while you were on vacation last month.

 * Hal: We didn't go on vacation!

 * Karen: Darn it!

Hal's Birthday

 * Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
 * Dewey: NO!
 * Lois: Excuse me?
 * Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
 * [Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]
 * Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!
 * Reese: I thought you made some good points.
 * Malcolm: It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
 * Reese: [giggles] Hey, that's what we're doing!

 * [After the family learns Francis has gotten married to a girl named Piama]
 * Francis: Why can't you just be happy for us!?
 * Lois: We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?
 * Francis: I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?
 * [In the boys' room, while Francis and Lois are having a heated arguement outside...]
 * Reese: This family sucks. They don't care anything about us. They don't even listen to us. Let's out of here.
 * Dewey: To the demolition derby?
 * Reese: No, I mean let's really get out of here and get away from these people.
 * Malcolm: Where are we gonna go?
 * Reese: [pulls out Hal's credit card from his pocket] Wherever this takes us. I snagged out dad's wallet this morning.
 * Malcolm: You knew we're gonna need it tonight?
 * Reese: Uh... yeah.
 * Dewey: I'm in.
 * Malcolm: Yeah, but...

 * [After the family discovered the boys' at the hotel after running away from home...]
 * Lois: Okay, boys, get your things. We're going home.
 * Reese:: No! We're not going back there.
 * Hal: Well, you can't stay in this hotel room forever. What are you gonna do, live under a bridge and steal food out of dumpsters?
 * Malcolm: I don't know, but we're not going home! We've had it with the way you treat us, and we've hat it with all the yelling!
 * Reese: You are a terrible influence on us!
 * Malcolm: All you ever do is scream!
 * Dewey: And order us around!
 * Malcolm: There's something wrong with this family! Families should have some way of communicating besides yelling!
 * Lois: Okay, everybody, calm down. I understand what you're saying, I'm not gonna yell, I'm not going to scream. We are capable of talking about this without raising our voices. Now, boys, I want you to understand I'm sorry about what happened. But you have to understand I get a little emotional when I learned that my oldest son was acting like an idiot and throwing his life away. Now that doesn't mean-- [gets splashed with water. It's revealed that Francis' wife, Piama threw water at her.]
 * Piama: Stop talking about him like that! Francis is my heart!

Hal Coaches

 * ''[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
 * Ed: Oh my god, how much do you know?
 * Reese: Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!"
 * Ed: "Keep your voice down."

 * Stevie: You have to stop this?
 * Malcolm: Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!
 * Stevie: Dewey just became Pope.
 * Malcolm: And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

Dewey's Dog

 * Lois: Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember? We want you to be miserable.

 * [Lois comes in the kitchen and catches Dewey eating a meal that Reese cooked for her and Hal. Later on Hal is home confronting him]
 * Hal: I don't understand, an entire roast gone, with your bare hands. The salad, the potatoes, the green beans. What do you have to say for yourself?
 * Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.
 * Reese: This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.
 * Malcolm: Not yet. I have a hunch.
 * Hal: An entire stick of Butter?!
 * Reese: Now, lets tell them now.
 * Malcolm: Wait for it.
 * Hal: Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?
 * Dewey:[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.
 * [Lois is disgusted with him.]
 * Hal: That's it, you are going to the hospital and having your stomach pumped.

 * Spangler: You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft. I can see paste come up from the top of the popsicle stick.
 * Mrs. Meekitjuk: I'm sorry, I have Arthritis.
 * Spangler: That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.
 * [The former commandant leaves and the other elderly residents starts despising him similar to Eric and the other Marlin cadets did.]

Poker #2

 * [After Malcolm's half-assed efforts to destroy a gun nearly end in a shooting]
 * Cop: So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?
 * Malcolm: Yes.
 * Cop: What did you say your I.Q. was?!

Clip Show

 * Dewey: Can I have a piece of candy?
 * Psychiatrist: No.

Jury Duty

 * Artie: I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.
 * Eric: Shut your trap, that's a mole. (to Pete)  And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.
 * Pete: I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.
 * Francis: All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots.  And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else (eric makes a face) this is ridiculous let's just vote on it.
 * Eric: Who Votes for Francis? (everyone except Francis raises their hand)
 * Francis: Who Votes for Eric? (everyone except Eric raises their hand) Artie? (everyone raises their hands again) Pete? (everyone raises their hand) Four votes, the hut is spoken.
 * Pete: No, you tricked me. no, no (eric and artie drag pete out the cabin door as francis watches in disgust) he'll reject me, i've tried me, i taste awful (cackling)
 * Francis: All right, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done. I'm not proud of it but i really don't think we had a choice.
 * Eric: Like i care about your opinion on anything.
 * Francis: Wait a minute. Why do we hear eating?
 * Eric: (truck engine starts) He Got To The Truck!
 * Francis, Eric & Artie: Pete! Pete! Pete!
 * Pete: See ya back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!

Cliques

 * Lois: Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get in infection.
 * Dewey: I'm bored!

 * Lois: Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.
 * Reese: But that's not fair.
 * Lois: I WILL BLAME YOU!

Monkey

 * TV: ''"...to break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour."
 * Reese: Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!
 * Malcolm: You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.
 * [Reese nervously clutches the arm of the sofa.]
 * Dewey: Wheeeeee!

 * [At the Alaskan logging camp]
 * Lavernia: Okay, everyone clear out, you're all fired!
 * Francis: What?!
 * Lavernia: Camp's closing; they cut down the last tree today. The mining company bought the land; you've gotta be out of here by the end of today.
 * Francis: We're just out like that without notice?!
 * Lavernia: This is the circle of life up here! First, they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves off our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

 * Angry Man: What the hell are you doing?! I was waiting for that spot!

Zoo

 * Walkie-talkie: Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?
 * [Panic washes over the crowd]
 * Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!
 * Hal: Malcolm and Reese?
 * Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

 * Malcolm: If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?
 * Clown: Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.
 * Malcolm: See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
 * Dewey: Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?
 * Malcolm: I wanted grape.

Humilithon

 * Reese: STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!
 * Malcolm: Get out of the way!
 * Reese: NO! You can run me over, I don't care!
 * [Malcolm revs the car's engine, Reese screams and jumps aside.]

 * Cynthia: Malcolm, if you do this, I will never have sex with you again.

Family Reunion

 * [Lois is crying in a closet after being tricked into being absent for the family's group photo. Without a word, Francis, Reese, Malcolm and Dewey march out of the room.]
 * Piama: What are you going to do?
 * Francis: We don't know. We never know.

 * Francis: All right, everybody ready?

 * Dewey: I was born ready.

 * Lois: I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
 * Hal: Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

Stupid Girl

 * Reese: Want some punch?
 * Kid: If I say 'yes', you're just gonna hit me.
 * Reese: I'm gonna hit you anyway, but it's funnier when you say 'yes'.

 * Stevie: What'd you get... for problem... 17?
 * Malcolm: I drew a tank.
 * Stevie: What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.
 * Malcolm: No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.
 * Stevie: You're turning... into Reese.

 * [Reese whispers behind Malcolm's locker, Malcolm listens.]
 * Malcolm: I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill. That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.
 * Alison: Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!

Forwards Backwards

 * Malcolm: Wake up.
 * Reese: What do you want?
 * Malcolm: I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.
 * Reese: Huh?
 * Malcolm: I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
 * Reese: Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?
 * Malcolm: I sunk to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.

 * Craig: Not so fast.
 * [Craig shows up to the comic book store in a heroic fashion. Hal is shocked and Dean is upset by his appearance.]
 * Dean: This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
 * Bob: That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
 * Craig:(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?
 * Dean: It's the first print, totally collectible.
 * Craig: Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!
 * [Dean attempts to sell Hal a "rare" comic book of Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin by taking it out of it's plastic covering hoping to take advantage of his naiveté and get his money. Craig isn't buying it and spills soda on it.]
 * Ricky: What are you doing?
 * Craig: Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.
 * Ricky:[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out] Dude, you told me that was real.
 * Craig: Now, lets talk business!

 * [A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital. Malcolm has a black eye, his head bandaged up and a broken arm. Reese has the worst of the injuries being in a body cast, his neck in a brace, and has a hard time walking in it.]
 * Lois: I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
 * Hal:[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!
 * Malcolm: Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
 * Reese: Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!
 * Malcolm: I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
 * Reese: Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!
 * Lois: Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
 * Malcolm: Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
 * Lois: [to Reese] And what about your birthday?
 * Reese: You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
 * Lois: And your birthday before that?
 * Malcolm: Pretty much this.
 * Reese: [to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Forbidden Girlfriend

 * Reese: It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
 * Billy: [raking leaves around a perplexed Reese] Excuse me.
 * Reese: Beat it kid, I'm trying to figure something out.

 * Dewey: He's my evil twin?
 * Reese: Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin.
 * Dewey: But I don't want to be an evil twin!
 * Reese: I don't make the rules, Dewey.

Malcolm Holds his Tongue

 * [After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in the hospital]
 * Lois: [incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
 * Malcolm: [finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!

 * Alison: You're the one who had his license taken away!
 * Reese: Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Boys at Ranch

 * [Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
 * Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
 * Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
 * [Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
 * Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
 * Francis: [shouting after they destroyed the ATVS] You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.

 * [Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
 * Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
 * [Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence, then reverts to night.]
 * Malcolm: Let's hope that was it!
 * Francis: Did it say when our vision would come back?
 * Reese: Box said two days.
 * Francis: Totally worth it!

Grandma Sues

 * [Lois and Hal have just told Ida about the pregnancy in the hope she won't sue]
 * Hal: Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?
 * Ida: Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.
 * Hal: What?!
 * Lois: Mom!
 * Ida: It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

 * Ida: Where are you going?
 * Ida's Lawyer: I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!
 * Ida: 30% and yes!
 * Ida's Lawyer: Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!

 * doctor: Well, I think I’ve figured out why you’re feeling so lousy, Lois. You’re pregnant. (Hal and Lois exchange glances)
 * Lois: Pregnant?
 * doctorCongratulations. (sees Hal and Lois’s facial expressions, and laughs) This is the best part of my job. Seeing the looks on peoples’ faces when I give them the good news.

If Boys Were Girls

 * Malcom: Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!
 * Dewey: You owe me a new Spacefighter!
 * Reese: Shut up and get your own pen!
 * [Dewey yells and goes after Reese, but Malcom and Reese keep fighting]
 * Malcom: Give it to me!
 * Reese: Why don't you just die?!
 * Malcolm: Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
 * Reese: Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
 * [Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]
 * Lois: MALCOLM?!
 * [Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]
 * Hal: [astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?
 * Lois: No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

 * Malcom: Hey, Mom-
 * Lois: You did not already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, [looks at Dewey] and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps.
 * Malcolm: But how did you-
 * Lois: Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!

 * Lois: [in her fantasy of having daughters] Girls, please! Can you just--? Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
 * Mallory: No, Mom. You're easy.
 * Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

Long Drive

 * [Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]
 * Lois: [resigned] I'll put on the coffee.
 * Hal: [looks out the window] It's Hanson; make decaf. [waves to the cops]

 * Samuel: 'Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
 * [Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]
 * Samuel: You think that's funny?!
 * Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.
 * Samuel: So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
 * [A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]
 * Samuel: And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

Kicked Out

 * Malcolm: It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. [pauses] I still don't, but I'm getting there.

 * Hal: Malcolm can take care of himself.
 * Craig: You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

Stereo Store

 * Reese: What do we need a babysitter for?
 * Hal: Because I want the house to be where I left it.

 * Malcolm: Dewey, what are you eating?
 * Dewey: Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

Hal's Friend

 * Dabney: I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
 * Malcolm: No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

 * Teenage Boy: You like the pavement so much? Kiss It!
 * [Dabney kisses on the pavement]:
 * Dorene: Oh my God! Dabney, you get away from here this instant! Did you make eye contact with that big boy?! When you are bullied, you tuck and cower!
 * Dabney: I was cowering, he wouldn't let me tuck.
 * [Dorene grabs him and walks off]

Garage Sale

 * Dewey: Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...
 * Malcolm: Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!
 * Reese: [Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]
 * Dewey: Oh.

 * Lois: [After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.
 * Reese: But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
 * Lois: No, it doesn't.
 * Reese: Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?
 * Lois: Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

Academic Octathlon

 * Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

 * Lois: I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!
 * Malcolm: Fine, but I'm not staying here!

Clip Show #2

 * Lois: What makes you think I am going to die first?
 * Hal: Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
 * [Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]

 * [Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]
 * Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
 * Lois: I will not have the boys see ups writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
 * Hal: I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
 * Lois: Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
 * Hal: And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

Reese's Party

 * Reese: Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
 * Malcolm: Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
 * Reese: [thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
 * [Malcolm and Dewey waves farewell to Reese as the bus drives off.]

 * Donnie's Mom: DONNIE!
 * [Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]
 * Donnie: Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
 * Donnie's Mom: Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
 * Donnie: Mom, come on.
 * Donnie's Mom: Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
 * Donnie: Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
 * Donnie's Mom: These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
 * Dave:[smug] Dude, you are so busted!!!!
 * [Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]
 * Dave's Mom: Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
 * Donnie's Mom: You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
 * [Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]
 * Dewey: It feels so good to tell.
 * [Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]

Future Malcolm

 * Leonard: Hey, Casey Peterson, could you do us all a favor and turn that crap off?
 * Casey: It's not loud.
 * Leonard: I didn't say it was loud, I said it was crap.

 * Leonard: This is a terrible idea.
 * Malcolm: No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?
 * Leonard: But why here?
 * Malcolm: Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunchbox.
 * Lois: I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.
 * Hal:Oh You Have Not.
 * Lois: Even The Doctor Said So.
 * Hal You're Eating For Two Now What Kind Of Doctor Doesn't Know That?

Baby (Part 1)

 * Lois: Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...[looks up and sees Ida at the window] Mom!
 * Ida: Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!
 * Francis: Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

 * [After Ida declares her intention to move in]
 * Francis: This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!
 * Ida: It burned down.
 * Lois: Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?
 * Francis: It was the villagers, wasn't it?
 * [Ida flicks a lit cigarette onto the couch]
 * Ida: It's a mystery.
 * Lois:(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!

(looks around the room and nobody is there) Wherever you are, whatever you’ve done, don’t think I won’t find you!

Baby (Part 2)

 * [Francis repeatedly hits a wood beam with a hammer, panting frantically]
 * Lois: What are you doing?
 * Francis: Building calms me down, OK? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this!
 * Lois: Yes, Francis. I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy BY GIVING BIRTH!

 * Reese: Oh, my God, women are the cows of people!

Day Care

 * Dewey: Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
 * Teacher: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
 * Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
 * Teacher: Well that's not...
 * Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
 * Teacher: But, I don't think...
 * Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
 * Teacher: Well, that's...good, but...
 * Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
 * [Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]

 * [Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested by the government.]
 * Agent: The United States Government is not happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
 * Francis: But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
 * Agent: [looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.

Vegas

 * Boone Vincent: The here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it "the present".

 * Otto: No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot... or a Swede.

Watching the Baby

 * Polly: Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be in court today.

 * Hal: Look, Lois will pay these tomorrow when she comes in.

 * Craig Feldspar: You can't take those! That's shoplifting!

 * Hal: Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!

 * Craig Feldspar: Vernon!

 * Kathy: [through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
 * Stevie Kenarban: You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
 * [Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]
 * Malcolm: What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
 * Joanne: Right now. With us. In that.
 * Reese: [the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
 * Joanne: [later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
 * Malcolm: You want to make them jealous?
 * Joanne: No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
 * Malcolm: You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
 * Limo Driver: Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

 * Reese: These girls want to fool around with us.
 * Malcolm: Only because we're losers.
 * Reese: Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
 * Malcolm: Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!
 * Reese: I know.
 * Malcolm: Then why are you...
 * Reese: Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.
 * Limo Driver: Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
 * Reese: So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Goodbye Kitty

 * Abe Kenarban: Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago.

 * Lois: What on earth are you doing?
 * Malcolm: I have to practice being in a wheelchair...
 * Hal: I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
 * Malcolm: Just for basketball...
 * Hal: That's the spirit!

 * Stevie: Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.
 * Malcolm: Oh, good.
 * Stevie: [about the computer] This thing sucks at sarcasm.

Thanksgiving

 * [buzzer]
 * Reese: The Monkfish!! [searches drawer] Where are the oven mitts?
 * Piama: Do you want me to look?
 * Reese: No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.
 * Piama: I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
 * Reese: No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
 * Piama: Well, what are you gonna do?
 * Reese: There's only one thing I can do. [walks over to oven and opens it]
 * Piama: Reese, nooooo!!!
 * Reese: Yes! [grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out] Make me a space!!
 * Piama: Where?!?
 * Reese: Move the oven mitts! [Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]

 * Reese: Dewey, do you trust me?
 * Dewey: No.
 * Reese: [aggressively] Do you fear me?
 * Dewey: Not in the long run.

Malcolm Films Reese

 * Lois: Do I try to keep on buying new clothes?

 * Mr. Herkabe: You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…
 * Malcolm: You're talking about my brother!

 * Malcolm: This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

Malcolm's Job

 * Dewey: I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

 * [Malcolm has just caught Lois outside with a cigarette.]
 * Malcolm: YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!

Christmas Trees

 * Lois: Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
 * Craig: I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Lois: Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.
 * Craig: Coincidences.
 * Lois: Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

 * Hal: The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.

 * Cop: That's not my problem. You get them out, or you will be spending Christmas in a jail cell.

 * Piama: Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.

Block Party

 * Hal: Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

 * Malcolm: The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
 * Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

Dirty Magazine

 * Malcolm: [explaining the school magazine's editorial policy] Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.

 * Lois: The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.
 * Malcolm: That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

Hot Tub

 * Malcolm: Who has the mustard?
 * Dewey: I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
 * Reese: Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

Ida's Boyfriend

 * Lois: You're moving to China?
 * Ida: I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

 * Ida: If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm is disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
 * Malcolm: Grandma, I'm not gay.
 * Ida: That's right, I'm just a liar.

Softball

 * Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.
 * Francis: What?!
 * Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
 * Francis: That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. [to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face] Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.
 * Malcolm: He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
 * Francis: Yeah...! What?!
 * Malcolm: I'm quitting the softball team!
 * Lois: You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
 * Malcolm: You can't force me to play.
 * Lois: No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
 * Malcolm: You are pure evil!
 * Francis: How do you sleep at night? [holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]

 * Dewey: There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

Lois's Sister

 * Reese: You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

 * Malcolm: This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
 * Reese: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.

Malcolm Dates a Family

 * [a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]
 * Dewey: Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
 * Reese: I know what to do.
 * [A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]
 * Hal: [reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
 * Lois: It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
 * Hal: Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
 * Lois: I'll get the car.
 * [Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]

 * Dewey: If you believe it, then why'd you buy the Mexican food?
 * Lois: Fine, Mexican food goes in the trash!

 * Malcolm: You're worried about your family? That's not going to bother me.
 * Angela: Oh, yeah? My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.
 * Malcolm: You're talking to the right guy.

Reese's Apartment

 * [Hal is speaking in angry gibberish]
 * Lois: [looks at Hal] Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?
 * Reese: What are you guys talking about?
 * Lois: You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...
 * [The scene changes]
 * Reese: I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!
 * Lois: What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!

 * [After Reese ends an argument by telling Lois and Hal to shut up, reducing them to stunned silence]
 * Malcolm: [aside] Oh, boy. In this family, that's what we call "The Closer". We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days. The only question left is who gets to take the credit.

 * [after finding out how Reese paid for his new apartment]
 * Lois: Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!
 * [Hal opens the door, Lois drags Reese out by his ear.]
 * Reese: Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!
 * Hal: Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

Malcolm Visits College

 * Lois: No more junk food. From now on, we are going to be a family that eats healthy.

 * Hal: Brownie? Mmm.

 * Piano Manager: What the hell are you doing back there?! These pianos are for paying customers only! You're wearing out the keys! Hey!

 * Lois: Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?
 * Malcolm: Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.
 * Lois: I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

 * Reese: Wait a second! You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
 * Hal: Well...son...
 * Reese: [Laughs] I'm just screwing with you! Relax!

 * Otto: So I went to the store and got those cookies, and I brought three cases of old-fashioned hard lemonade.

 * Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!

 * Otto: Yes, Francis. I said there was a problem.

 * Otto: Those parents trusted me with the little ones, until I've poisoned them! What kind of a monster am i?

 * Leland: [talking to Lois] Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.
 * Malcolm: [to the audience] I don't know who to root for!
 * Leland: Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [sarcastically looks around] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here. You just cost this floor their electricity privileges.

 * Malcolm: And you know what, I want my candy than I want my next breath. I have a plan!

 * Lois:[yelling]Malcolm, what are you doing?!

 * Malcolm: My plan!

 * Lois: Well, get your foot out of the door!

 * Malcolm: I can't. It's stuck!

Polly in the Middle

 * [Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
 * Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
 * Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
 * Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

 * Polly: Thanks so much for inviting me. I really needed something to take my mind off my love life.
 * Hal: Well, that's why God invented baseball,... and war.

Dewey's Special Class

 * Malcolm: [horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?
 * Dewey: [sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
 * Malcolm: Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
 * Dewey: You're still alive... so, no.

 * Lois: Good night, Fred and Ginger.

 * Craig Feldspar: I thought it was Fred and Barney.

 * [Malcolm tries to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.]
 * Malcolm: [to Dewey] Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
 * Dewey: But you beat me up and make fun of me.
 * Malcolm: Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
 * Dewey: Okay, I'll do it.

Experiment

 * Malcolm: This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.
 * Stevie: Then everyone... will pay.
 * Malcolm: Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.
 * Reese: Maybe I can help.
 * Malcolm: That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.

 * Malcolm: I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
 * Reese: Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!

Victor's Other Family

 * Ida: I just remembered, tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

 * Malcolm: You know what else is strange?
 * Lois: What?
 * Malcolm: Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
 * Lois: No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
 * [Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'
 * Ida: JUDAS!!!!!
 * Lois: Mother, what are you doing here?
 * Ida: [in a sarcastic voice] "Oh Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party". Do you think I was born yesterday?! I could spot lies coming out of your mouth before it had teeth in it!

 * Sylvia: Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
 * Ida: Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.
 * Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about.
 * Ida: The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
 * Lois: [walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!
 * [Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]

Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)

 * Lois: Can he at least put some pants on?

 * Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem. Not just here, but my entire life. If I do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.

 * Lois: Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
 * Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)

 * Francis:[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
 * Dewey: Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
 * Malcolm: I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
 * Francis: What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?

 * Hal: Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
 * Lois: [getting angry] You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!
 * Hal: Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.

Reese Comes Home

 * Malcolm: The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
 * Lois: Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
 * Hal: Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
 * Malcolm: Huh?
 * Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
 * Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
 * Dewey: Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
 * Malcolm: [to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

 * [Malcolm and Dewey show their lists of "Mean Things Reese Did" to each other]
 * Malcolm: "Lighter Fluid Donut." That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
 * Dewey: I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
 * Malcolm: Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!
 * Dewey: So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
 * Malcolm: I didn't say he was going to die!
 * Dewey: Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
 * Malcolm: I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. [Sighing] No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
 * Dewey: Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

Buseys Run Away

 * Hal: Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
 * Bodybuilder: Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

 * Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
 * Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
 * Dewey: Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
 * [pause]
 * Malcolm: Fine, don't tell us.

Standee

 * [Hal walks by a large pile of garbage on his lawn]
 * Dewey: [muffled yelling] Dad!
 * Hal: Dewey?
 * Dewey: Daaaaaad!
 * Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
 * Dewey: I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
 * Hal: Can you breathe?
 * Dewey: Yes. But I don't want to!

 * [Malcolm sees an embarrassing picture of himself dressed like a hula dancer at Lois' station at the Lucky Aide]
 * Malcolm: What's that?
 * Lois: Hmmm?
 * Malcolm: I threw that picture away!
 * Lois: Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.
 * Malcolm: Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!
 * Lois: Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?
 * Customer: My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. [She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]
 * Malcolm: Take that down!
 * Lois: Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
 * [Several minutes later, Lois is forced to remove the picture as Malcolm reads the store's rule book with Kushell standing beside him]
 * Malcolm: No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.
 * Shirley: [Another employee forced to remove her cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.
 * Craig: [sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster] I don't know who I am any more!

Pearl Harbor

 * Jessica: [as she walks in] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!
 * Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away!
 * Jessica: [pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened] Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!
 * Malcolm: [aside to the camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block!

 * Hal: You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?
 * Dewey: Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?
 * Hal: No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!
 * Dewey: Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?
 * Hal: That's like four of them!

Kitty's Back

 * Abe: Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You're enjoying your special day, son?
 * Dewey: I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

 * Abe: Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
 * Waiter: Ma'am?
 * Lois: The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
 * Waiter: That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

 * Lois: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
 * Reese:[offended] Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now.
 * [The vacuum sucks up Reese's peeled skin suit]
 * Reese: [shrieks] Noooooo.
 * Lois: It just took it.
 * Reese: That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. [takes the vacuum and leaves]

Hal's Christmas Gift

 * Dewey: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
 * Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

 * Hal: You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.

Hal Sleepwalks

 * Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.
 * Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

 * Malcolm: [singing] No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?
 * Dewey: [singing] Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
 * Malcolm: What are you doing?
 * Dewey: That's the "Meow Mix" song.

Lois Battles Jamie

 * Lois: [about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
 * Hal: Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

 * Dewey: Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up? You want to tell me how that's fair?
 * Malcolm: You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
 * Dewey: Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
 * Malcolm: No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.

 * Lois: (to Jamie) you do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies! (carried Jamie over to Malcolm, Dewey & Reese) A Lifetime ban from Gymboree, A LIFETIME BAN! (lois slams the door).

Malcolm's Car

 * Reese: You are going to be so proud of me.
 * Malcolm: Why?
 * Reese: I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" fifteen times on nine separate occasions.
 * Malcolm: Reese...
 * Reese: So, the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

 * Malcolm: [about Reese's latest scheme] Wow! Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?

Billboard

 * [After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]
 * Lois: [on the ground] OH MY GOD!
 * Dewey: Did you guys hear something?
 * Lois: What are you boys doing up there?!
 * Malcolm: It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]
 * Dewey: How'd she know where to find us!?
 * Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
 * Dewey: Maybe she didn't see us.
 * Lois: [Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!
 * Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.
 * [the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
 * Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
 * Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
 * Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

 * Reese: Check out that pig!
 * Dewey: You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.
 * Malcolm: Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.
 * Reese: That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.
 * Malcolm: Of what?
 * Reese: Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. [Points to the billboard girl]
 * Malcolm: What about Mom?
 * Reese: We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.
 * Malcolm: So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?
 * Reese: Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.
 * Dewey: I'm sleeping on the other side. [He and Malcolm move away from him]
 * Reese: Come on, I was just being honest! [Scoffs] So whipped!

Dewey's Opera

 * Lois: Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
 * Hal: [grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
 * [Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]

 * [At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is performing his music.]
 * Zoe: ''[playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
 * Hanson: [playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it's on a big, giant bed.

Living Will

 * [Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]
 * Lois: Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
 * Hal: And this must be Christmas that same year.
 * [The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]
 * Lois: He grew up so fast!
 * Hal: Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
 * [The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]
 * Lois: Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
 * [The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]
 * Hal: [holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.
 * Lois: Want to go through the arrest reports?
 * Hal: I'll pour some more wine.

 * [Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital and brought him home, concerning the boys.]
 * Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
 * Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
 * Malcolm: The waist up?!
 * [Lois is frustrated as Hal moves around, clearly in distress]
 * Reese: Dad, what is it?
 * [Lois taps his head and he immediately calms down. He begins petting her leg with his foot.]
 * Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

 * [Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
 * Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone on long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the sex has been interesting.
 * [She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to put toothpaste on his to his toothbrush]
 * Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the coward's way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
 * [sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
 * Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
 * [sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'
 * Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
 * [she leaves disgusted]

Tiki Lounge

 * Hal: We have to be home by 9:30. The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.

 * Malcolm: Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?
 * [Everybody pauses and looks at Lois]
 * Lois: I don't know, something from the fridge.

Ida loses a Leg

 * [Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]
 * Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

 * Lois:[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
 * Ida: Let him go. [about Dewey] It's the little one who owes me his life.
 * Francis: See? Even she thinks so.
 * Lois: Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
 * Ida: I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
 * Francis: If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
 * Ida: Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

 * [Lois is frustrated that Francis and Ida have continued fighting.]
 * Francis: I don't care if knew the end of that Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone be happy!
 * Ida: Shut up, Monkey! Anyone with half-a-brain could see the rocks were alive!!!

Chad's Sleepover

 * Reese: [to Malcolm] Oh my god, I'm as unpopular as you!

 * Pizza Guy: [to Hal] Oh, wait. This was supposed to be 12336. [looks at Hal] I bet you feel like a jackass.

No Motorcycles

 * [Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]
 * Dewey: God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
 * Malcolm: Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!
 * Reese: We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?
 * Malcolm: [looks at Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
 * Dewey: You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!
 * Reese: I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

Butterflies

 * Malcolm: [slamming his head against a locker] At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?
 * Craig: 22.

 * Hal: [on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars] Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you? Well welcome to my world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how you like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.
 * Reese: Then I can keep them?
 * Hal: Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

Ida's Dance

 * Lois: [about Ida] She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.
 * Hal: Why?
 * Lois: Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.
 * Hal: I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!

 * [After Ida introduces Lois to the ladies at her old folks' home]
 * Marika: Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?
 * Ida: No, this is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs.
 * Lois: Well, I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into the home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back Sunday. Now I'm stuck here! It's three hundred dollars just to change my ticket!

 * [Hal is yelling at a temporarily deaf Malcolm and Dewey, unknown to him, for having nearly let him be fatally crushed]
 * Hal: You think your dad being killed by a TV set is funny? I'll tell you what's funny! Being grounded for the rest of your lives!
 * Malcolm: [aside to the camera] After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.
 * Hal: Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!
 * Malcolm: [to camera] I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask for the car this weekend.

Motivational Speaker

 * Dewey: Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.
 * Lois: [interrupts] Do you think I'm an idiot?
 * Dewey: huh?
 * Lois: Do you think I don't know where you've been?
 * Dewey: What do you mean?
 * Lois: You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.
 * Dewey: I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Lois: Don't lie to me!
 * Dewey: It's not what you think!
 * Lois: Who is she?
 * Dewey: Why does that matter?
 * Lois: Who is she?!
 * Dewey: Mrs. Finnegan.
 * [Lois looks away with a hurt look on her face]
 * Dewey: It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!
 * Lois: It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.
 * Dewey: I wasn't expecting any.
 * Lois: After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!
 * Dewey: Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just "Clean your room", "comb your hair"…
 * Lois: [pauses] Do you love her?!
 * Dewey: Of course not, it's just snacks.
 * Lois: Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.
 * Dewey: That's beneath you, mom.

 * Hal: The question is will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. where do you think he will just stop.?

 * guy 1: The dry cleaner
 * guy 2 : the drug store
 * Hal: where else? Tim?
 * guy 3: there's a place you can go to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time
 * hal: *writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?
 * hal: (quitely) it means nothing.

Stilts

 * Policeman: Are these your boys?
 * Hal: You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?

Buseys Take a Hostage

 * Mr. Flerch: : [after Chad bites his finger]: Ow! Now it's a matter for the police
 * Hanson: Excuse me, Mr. Flerch?

 * Mr. Flerch: [Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.] It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.
 * Dewey: I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.
 * Francis: [untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys?
 * [One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]
 * Janitor: That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?
 * [Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]

 * [At the house, Lois is seen pissed off with Reese as she grabs the clothes to take into the boys' bedroom as Malcolm comes in with his basketball.]
 * Malcolm: What's up with mom?
 * Reese: Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.
 * Malcolm: What?
 * Reese: Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.
 * Malcolm: Oh my god.
 * Reese: [ecstatic] I know, now I get to repeat my senior year. Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I'm gonna make sure I fail all my classes so I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, got to college or get a job for a whole another year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.
 * [Lois comes in completely mad at Reese more after hearing his confession]
 * Reese: Yeah, I know, mom.
 * [Lois leaves and Reese is drinking his soda in excitement as Malcolm leaves.]

Mrs. Tri-County

 * Lois: Apparently I’ve been entered in the Miss Tri-County Pageant.
 * Hal: What?
 * Lois: The boys entered me into this pageant.
 * [Hal immediately sees through it and starts reading through, in disgust and disbelief]
 * Hal: [quoting letter] “Lucky to have her in our lives.” “Too special to be kept a secret.” “She suffers in silence.” Oh, can you believe this?!
 * [Lois, on the other hand, is touched and utterly stunned]
 * Lois: I know. They do all these horrible things, and then they go and do something like this…
 * [Hal realizes that Lois does not realize this was meant as a prank. He decides not to burst her bubble]
 * Hal: Yes, well, they’re good boys…

 * Dewey: We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
 * Hal: You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

 * Hal: It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.
 * Dewey: Dad, I have homework!
 * Hal: Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.

Burning Man

 * [Dewey walks in on Malcolm and Reese planning to sneak off to Burning Man]
 * Dewey: Oh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favourite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."
 * Reese: See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert, naked women, getting back to your primal nature, naked women, people doing art, naked women.
 * Dewey: Are all the women naked? [Reese punches him]
 * Reese:     That is all you heard, isn't it?

 * [After Malcolm inadvertently convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]
 * Lois: What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]
 * Reese: [sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!
 * Malcolm: You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!
 * Reese: Don't try sucking up to me now!

 * Hal: Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

Health Insurance

 * Hal: What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
 * Reese: Dad, I can't die.
 * Hal: What?
 * Reese: I'm seventeen.
 * Hal: And so you can't die?
 * Reese: I just don't see it happening.
 * Hal: I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
 * Reese: Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

 * Hal: It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.

Reese vs. Stevie

 * [Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audio book of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating salsa on her credit card in the car.]
 * Narrator: Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....
 * Reese: [voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.
 * Lois: [Enraged] REEESE!

 * [Lois walks in as Hal and Dewey are locked in battle over using each other's vices. Dewey is drinking coffee and Hal is smoking cigarettes]
 * Dewey:[Drinking Coffee] MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.
 * Hal:[smoking a cigarette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
 * Lois:[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!
 * Hal:[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.
 * [He tries to get rid of the cigarette evidence by tossing it away. However to his dismay, Lois ignores Dewey for the moment. In her opinion, his drinking coffee doesn't equal to the type of punishment that she will inflict on Hal in breaking his promise by smoking in the house again.]

 * Malcolm: The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.
 * [Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]
 * Malcolm: [to the camera] Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.
 * Lois: Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.
 * Malcolm: Hey, he's my brother.

Halloween

 * Lois: I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.
 * Hal: There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.
 * Lois:[reminding Hal] But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. [disgusted] Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

 * Dewey: Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
 * Reese: I'm telling you, it's the fear.

Jessica Stays Over

 * Jessica: Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
 * Malcolm: What for?
 * Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
 * Malcolm: What?!
 * Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.
 * Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!

 * [Dewey holds up a jar of honey]
 * Dewey: Is that a bee?
 * Hal: That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
 * Dewey: Where did this come from?
 * Hal: Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
 * Dewey: You did it yourself? [Hal nods]
 * Dewey: How'd you know how to do that?
 * Hal: It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.
 * Dewey: I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
 * Hal: It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Secret Boyfriend

 * Malcolm: [bringing a soda] Here, I brought one for you.
 * Reese: Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. [Switches cans] Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! [Switches cans again] Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! [Switches again] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! [Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]
 * Malcolm: I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

 * Lois: [about Reese] What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.
 * Hal: I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

 * [After Lois has a nightmare of a 40 year old Reese as an unaccomplished bum tormenting an elderly Hal and her, she storms into Reese's bedroom]
 * Lois: Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]
 * Reese: I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.
 * Malcolm: Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?
 * Reese: Yeah!
 * Malcolm: She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

 * [Reese is having a nightmare of himself in his 40s taking care of an elderly, obese and controlling Lois.]
 * Lois: Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.
 * [She tosses her bedsheets and Reese wakes up, screaming in terror. He quickly runs inside Hal and Lois' bedroom to confront his mother]
 * Reese: I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.

Blackout

 * Jamie: [gasps and see Francis] Francis!

 * [The house lights go out.]
 * Lois: [in the shower] Hal!
 * Hal: I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

 * Lois:That stupid fish!

 * Hal: Malcolm!

 * Malcolm: Crap!

 * Hal: You're here!
 * Malcolm: Kind of.
 * Hal: You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!
 * Malcolm: You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!
 * Hal: That only applies if you're actually drunk!

Army Buddy

 * Reese: You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.
 * Malcolm: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.
 * Reese: She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.
 * Malcolm: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.
 * Reese: It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.
 * Malcolm: That's love, dude.
 * Reese: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

 * Abby: I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.
 * Lois: Me?
 * Abby: Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?
 * Lois: I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

Malcolm Defends Reese

 * Malcolm: Tough break, Mr Herkabe.
 * Mr. Herkabe: [After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges] I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!
 * Malcolm: You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.
 * Mr. Herkabe: Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

 * Hal: Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.
 * Dewey: What do you mean?
 * Hal: Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.
 * Dewey: I'm not sure.
 * Hal: Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

Malcolm's Money

 * Malcolm: [seeing his photo on the screen] What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
 * Earl: Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.
 * Malcolm: I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.
 * Earl: Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

 * Reese: This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
 * Judith: No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

 * Hal: Now, where's the rest of the money?

 * Lois: There isn't any.

 * Dewey: What?

 * Hal: You just spent 10.000$ on a stupid dollhouse?!

 * Lois: They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.

Bride of Ida

 * [Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]
 * Reese: What's Grandma doing here?!
 * Malcolm: You never said Grandma was coming!
 * Lois: I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

 * Female Security Agent: [to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
 * Lois: You need to touch my what?
 * Female Security Agent: I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]
 * Lois: Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
 * Dewey: [yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
 * Male Agent: The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]
 * [Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]
 * Hal: OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
 * Dewey: So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
 * [Lois makes an embarrassed smile]

 * Malcolm: [sarcastically] I have to hand it to you, Mom, having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.
 * Lois: Where's your brother?
 * Malcolm: In Vegas.

College Recruiters

 * Hal: Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

 * Reese: For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
 * Malcolm: The waiting period?
 * Reese: Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

Mono

 * Malcolm: This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

 * Reese: [at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.
 * Malcolm: I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
 * Reese: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
 * Dewey: It was disgusting.
 * Malcolm: [frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!
 * Reese: Spare us the perv details.

Hal Grieves

 * Reese: Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.

 * Reese: You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
 * Dewey: I guess.
 * Reese: I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
 * Dewey: It's the least we could do for him.

A.A.

 * [Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]
 * Dewey: Mom, Reese is poking me.
 * Lois: (uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!
 * [Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]
 * Dewey: He's still poking me.
 * Lois: Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.

[Reese, in his room, makes a long stick out of pencils and reaches out with it to continue poking Dewey]

 * [Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]
 * Lois: Before I forget...
 * [Lois picks up a vase on a table]
 * Lois: This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
 * [Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]
 * Lois: There. Now I can relax.

 * Malcolm: Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
 * Dewey: I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
 * Reese: Arcade? What are you, 12?
 * Dewey: Yeah.

Lois Strikes Back

 * Lois: Are you trying to calm me down?
 * Hal: No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
 * Lois: [quietly] Get like what?
 * Hal: Well... you know.
 * Lois: No, I don't know. How is it I get?
 * Hal: Well...
 * Lois: If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. [pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]
 * Hal: You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

 * Lois: I've been a terrible mother.
 * Reese: It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.

Hal's Dentist

 * Reese: Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
 * Lois: You were afraid of mailboxes?
 * Reese: I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!

 * Reese: Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
 * Lois: All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
 * Reese: No, I was really saying quit.

Bomb Shelter

 * Dewey: What if we do everything on his "To Do" board and then let him out?
 * Reese: That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. [reads note] "Change Dewey's diaper."

 * Malcolm: Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

Stevie in the Hospital

 * Clerk: Can I help you find something?
 * Malcolm: Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?
 * Clerk: This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

 * Reese: Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

Cattle Court

 * Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
 * Craig: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

 * Malcolm: I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

Morp

 * Lois: That was a good thing you did, son.
 * Dewey: Thanks.
 * Lois: Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice. [Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture] Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book.

 * Malcolm: [as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp] You can't just let them say "I'm sorry" after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, "sorry!" This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!
 * Naked Guy: [goes up to Malcolm] Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.
 * [Malcolm looks disgusted]

Graduation

 * Piama: Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]
 * Francis: There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
 * Ida: You better make that first swing count, princess!
 * [While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]
 * Lois: Hal...
 * Hal: Right. [Calming down Francis] Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

 * [Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]
 * Malcolm: [furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
 * Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
 * Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
 * Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
 * Malcolm: What?!
 * Lois: Of the United States.
 * Malcolm: Dad...!
 * Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]
 * Francis: Thought you knew.
 * Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
 * Malcolm: What if I don't want to be President?!
 * Lois: It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
 * Malcolm: [sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
 * Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
 * Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
 * Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
 * Malcolm: WHAT?!
 * Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
 * Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life!
 * Lois: I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
 * Hal: That's Dewey.
 * Dewey: [gleeful] Really?
 * Malcolm: This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
 * Lois: You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]

Cast

 * Frankie Muniz - Malcolm
 * Jane Kaczmarek - Lois
 * Bryan Cranston - Hal
 * Justin Berfield - Reese
 * Erik Per Sullivan - Dewey
 * Christopher Kennedy Masterson - Francis
 * James Rodriguez and Lukas Rodriguez - Jamie
 * Craig Lamar Traylor - Stevie Kenarban
 * David Anthony Higgins - Craig Feldspar
 * Emy Coligado - Piama Tananahaakna
 * Eric Nenninger - Eric Hanson
 * Daniel von Bargen - Commandant Edwin Spangler
 * Cloris Leachman - Grandma Ida

title: Malcolm in the Middle