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TaleSpin

TaleSpin (1990–1991) is an animated series created by Disney in 1990. Using characters from the The Jungle Book, it stars Baloo as a pilot who delivers cargo with a plane.

Plunder and Lightning: Part I [1.1]

 * Don Karnage: Greetings and salivations, fellow aviator. It is I, that panic provoking pirate: Don Karnage.

 * Kit Cloudkicker: [Dropping in on the Air Pirates, snagging the chest] For me?! You shouldn't have.
 * Don Karnage: Oh, well, it was nothing really... [Sees Kit running away] STOP THAT BOY!

 * [With the Sea Duck thousands of miles up in the air]
 * Kit: [Knocking on his window from outside, hanging bombon for dear life] Hello?
 * Baloo: Oh, hiya, kid. Need a lift?
 * Kit: [Nodding] Mm-hmm.
 * Baloo: Okay by me. Though it's comfier inside.

 * Baloo: [About the Air Pirates] Boy! They're tougher to shake than ticks on a dog.

 * Kit: No one can fly like that!
 * Baloo: Great pilot, great plane.
 * Kit: Awesome! So what's next? A double-reverse Himmelman? A pretzel twist?
 * Baloo: No. A quick exit.

 * Bank Official: You, sir, are delinquent on your last six payments and unless funds totaling 3000 dollars are deposited in our fiduciary institution by 9am tomorrow, we will be forced to foreclose on your aircraft home.
 * Baloo: What's this guy speak in English?
 * Kit: He said: "No dough, plane go".

 * Baloo: Kit! You're a genius! With a capital J!

 * Baloo: [Laughs] Hey! My flying is A+. [At the last minute, avoids a cliff face and crashes]
 * Kit: Yeah, but your landing's a C-.

Plunder and Lightning: Part II [1.2]

 * Rebecca Cunningham: Morning, I'm Re-
 * Baloo: We're closed, lady. Come back when the sun's warm, like June. Bye-bye.

 * Shere Khan: I've spent years turning Khan Industries into the biggest corporation in the world. And I've discovered that business is like a jungle. You see, there are the eaters and there are the eat-ums.

 * Molly Cunningham: [About to eat a super sundae Krakatoa Special] Sorry, Lucy, but there's not enough here for both of us.

 * Baloo: Could you give us a bid on this bauble, like what's it worth?
 * Louie: [Examining the crystal] Ooh... Aah... Yowza!
 * Baloo: Yeah? Yeah? How much is "Yowza"?!
 * Kit: Yeah, in round numbers!
 * Louie: Nothing, cuz. It's not a jewel.
 * Baloo: Nothing?!
 * Louie: Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

 * Molly: [To Kit] See you later, navigator.

 * Don Karnage: [Singing] O sole mio, o so-do-you-o...

 * Baloo: Rise and shine, lil' britches. The early bird worms the best deal.

 * Shere Khan: What would you say to a 100?
 * Baloo: Only a lousy 100 bucks?
 * Shere Khan: A 100 thousand lousy bucks.

Plunder and Lightning: Part III [1.3]

 * Don Karnage: Open the bomb bay doors, please, Hal!
 * Khan Pilot #1: No!
 * Khan Pilot #2: Don't you have any decency?
 * Don Karnage: I am a pirate! I don't do "decency"!
 * [The bomb bay doors open and the pilots, along with their plane, drop to the ocean]
 * Don Karnage: April Foolishness!
 * Maddog: Why'd ya let 'em live, Boss?
 * Don Karnage: Because I want them to tell Shere Khan what we took! Let him worry.
 * Maddog: Oh, now I see.

 * Don Karnage: You know, worth is in the eye of me who is doing the beholding.

 * Baloo: [Distracting two Air Pirate guards] Everybody, hoe down!
 * ''Well, swing to the left and swing to the right.
 * ''Do-si-do all day and night.
 * ''Back and forth, around and about.
 * ''Then you knock your partner out!

 * Don Karnage: All right, Ratchet, take those goodies to the workshop and do... shop work on them.

 * Don Karnage: Speak up! My door is always open sometimes.

 * Baloo: Wait! I'm getting a brainstorm!
 * Rebecca: [Sarcastically] And me without my umbrella.

 * Don Karnage: Shoot them! A lot! Perforate them, you pinheads!

 * [After applying the Over Drive system]
 * Rebecca: What was that?
 * Baloo: A little something I added. But use it too long and the engines overheat and boom-boom, bye-bye.
 * Molly: Baloo?
 * Baloo: Yeah?
 * Molly: Let's do it again!
 * Don Karnage: Ah so here you are.
 * Don Karange: There ha ha.
 * Don Karnage: You are back with the pirates now yes-no.
 * Don Karnage: You did well my puny protoge.
 * Don Karnage: Happy!
 * Kit Cloudkicker: Yeah could've been happier.
 * Rebecca": What is with you.
 * Rebecca": You haven't sent miles on the way home.
 * Rebecca: Baloo!
 * Shere Khan": Ah! So glad you can stop by!
 * Rebecca": There are rules about this sort of thing you know.
 * Shere Khan: I make my own rules.
 * Shere Khan: Where's the stone?
 * Rebecca": Look before we tell you anything.
 * Rebecca": What is this stone everybody keeps talking about.
 * Shere Khan": Fair enough! Doctor!
 * Dr. DeBolt": Ahem! The stone is actually in some amplifier.
 * Dr. DeBolt: Which means it can create unlimited energy.
 * Dr. DeBolt: In all of Mr. Khan's businesses.
 * Dr. DeBolt: But we are only we need to create one stone and then!
 * [While Shere Khan chokes Dr. DeBolt]
 * Shere Khan": Thank you Doctor.
 * Shere Khan": Now where is it.
 * Rebecca": Um we don't have it Don Karnage does.
 * Shere Khan": I am displeased Baloo.
 * Shere Khan": You have let me down.
 * Baloo": Don't tell me that for being let down mister because I am an expert.
 * Baloo": Well i'm sick of being used and I'm sick of working for you.
 * Baloo": And i'm sick of your stupid stone.
 * Baloo": So y'all just leave me alone!
 * Shere Khan": Hmmm! very emotional man!
 * Shere Khan": You are all dismissed!
 * Dr. DeBolt": Yeah but Mr. Khan.
 * Shere Khan": Good Day!

Plunder and Lightning: Part IV [1.4]

 * [The air pirates are trying to break down a steel door with Mad Dog's head]
 * Don Karnage: Stop that! What are you thinking?!
 * Mad Dog's: Thanks, cap'n.
 * Don Karnage: His head is way too soft. We need something harder.

 * Baloo: Isn't this the life! No bosses, no troubles, no obligations.
 * Louie: Yeah, cuz, you keep saying that every five minutes. And you'll believe it in a year or two.

 * Baloo: If you can't fly, don't mess with the eagles!

 * Shere Khan: [About Baloo] That was a pilot to be reckoned with.

 * Don Karnage: To your posts, men! We will fight to the last man! [Dogfight ensues and the Iron Vulture catches fire] Then again... Retreat! Retreat! Full speed behind!

From Here to Machinery [1.5]

 * Baloo: That overgrown blender is gonna fly my airplane?
 * Rebecca: No. That overgrown blender is going to fly my airplane!

 * Prof. Martin Torque: Unlike ordinary pilots, the auto aviator never deviates from its flight plan. It is the ultimate pilot.
 * Auto Aviator: Ultimate pilot.
 * Prof. Torque: It's efficient.
 * Auto Aviator: Efficient.
 * Prof. Torque: Obedient.
 * Auto Aviator: Obedient.
 * Baloo: Stupid.
 * Auto Aviator: Stupid.
 * Baloo: Hey! I'm starting to like this boy.

 * Prof. Torque: You and your kind are like the dinosaurs: Decaying, defective and defunct.
 * Baloo: Oh yeah...? Well defunct this! [punches Prof. Torque in the face]

 * Rebecca: [When her customer goes over to Professor Torque] But we've had phone calls! Meetings! Lunches! I've listened to your frozen okra stories for a solid week!

 * Baloo: [Spelling his name] That's Baloo with two "oo"s.

 * Don Karnage: A mechanical pilot. It flies here, it flies there. And always in the straight line. They call it the modern day miracle. Well, my fellow plundering proteges, I call it the sitting duck.

 * Baloo: Why do you guys even hang out with a loser like me?
 * Kit: C'mon, we like being with ya. You're our buddy. You're the best.
 * Wildcat: Besides, we've got nothing else to do... Oh, sorry.

 * Shere Khan: Ah, Baloo, we've hit a bit of a snag with the professor's contraption. Any suggestions?
 * Baloo: Got a bottle of soda pop?

 * Don Karnage: My wonderfully brilliant mind tells me it may be time for a strategic withdrawal.
 * Mad Dog: Say what?
 * Don Karnage: RUN AWAY!

It Came From Beneath the Sea Duck [1.6]

 * Baloo: You wanna babysit?
 * Kit: Yeah! I want to prove to my boss that she can depend on me.
 * Baloo: Really?
 * Kit: Well, that and the money's good.

 * Don Karnage: You missed me, you sisters of a warthog!

 * [Not realizing their submarine is in the air]
 * Mad Dog: So... what do you see?
 * Dumptruck: [Looking through a periscope] Er..Cape Suzette.
 * Mad Dog: The dock?
 * Dumptruck: No.
 * Mad Dog: The cannery?
 * Dumptruck: No.
 * Mad Dog: Well, what part do you see?
 * Dumptruck: All of it.

 * Kit: Molly, you've got to promise me you won't tell your mom we went all the way to the docks.
 * Molly: I promise, Kit, and I always keep my promises. [Looking behind Kit] Don't I, mummy?

 * Wildcat: Hey, Baloo, the harbor patrol is using dynamite to chase a sea monster out of the bay... You got any tartar sauce?

 * Kit: [Hanging by a phone cord] Hello, Wildcat! Let me talk to Baloo.
 * Wildcat: I'll get him, Kit. Hold the phone.
 * Kit: I am! I am!
 * Wildcat: Hey, Baloo! Phone!
 * Baloo: [Taking off] Not now! I've got to save Kit from the sea monster!
 * Wildcat: Kit, maybe you should call back when you're not being eaten.

 * Kit: Baloo, when did you teach the Sea Duck to hover like this?
 * Baloo: Hover? This plane can't hover! [He looks behind him to show the sea monster with half its arms wrapped around a sink in Rebecca's apartment and the other half wrapped around the tail of the Sea Duck] Uh-oh! Oh baby... This is gettin' serious!

 * Dumptruck: [Looking above him, panicking] Yumping Yiminy! Sink! Sink!
 * Mad Dog: You mean dive! Dive! [Sink hits Dumptruck on the head] Oh, I'm so sorry. You were right. That is a sink. [Laughs]

 * Dumptruck: So, eh, why say "Dive, dive" when you want to sink?
 * Mad Dog: 'Cause you don't say, "Sink, sink"!
 * Don Karnage: Just row! ROW!
 * Dumptruck: Aye-aye, Captain-Captain!

Time Waits For No Bear [1.7]

 * Baloo: Oh, we're not gonna make it. I'm gonna say we ran into a hurricane.
 * Kit: Nah, used that story last week.
 * Baloo: Oh... How about a volcano?
 * Kit: Week before.
 * Baloo: Cannibals?
 * Kit: Last Tuesday.
 * Baloo: Oh, baby! This is serious!

 * Baloo: Well, little britches, looks like I blew it. But I guess it could've been worse. She coulda yelled at me.
 * Kit: [Sees Rebecca coming] It's worse.

 * Rebecca: Everything you have to do is on the schedule. Just check off each item as you go. And while you're checking off, I'll be checking up on YOU. Check?
 * Baloo: Check.

 * Baloo: [Pretending Wildcat's in charge] Ta-ta, Captain! A beautiful tour but Lester and I must be off.
 * Kit: [Aside] Off our rockers.

 * Goon #2: Hey! Don't I know you?
 * Kit: [Rapping his muscles] My, my! Solid as a rock!
 * Baloo: [Rapping his head] Up here too.
 * Goon #2: [Laughing shyly] I take after my mother.
 * Goon #1: Wait a minute. You're the pilot who lost the box.
 * Baloo: Eureka. We've struck brains.

 * Baloo: Maybe we're too smart for those guys. We need a stupid plan.

 * Trader Moe: By the way, you didn't open that box, did ya?
 * Baloo: What? And see the stolen crown inside? Nah! Well, maybe just a peek.

 * Trader Moe: Okay, boys! Ready... aim...
 * Kit: About face! Fire!
 * [The goons fire on Trader Moe]
 * Goon #1: Sorry, boss.
 * Goon #2: Yeah, sorry.
 * Goon #1: That was dumb.
 * Goon #2: He was dumb.
 * Goon #1: We was just following orders.
 * Goon #2: Yeah, orders.
 * Trader Moe: SHUT UP! You don't listen to the kid, got it?
 * Goons: Yep.
 * Baloo: Ready, aim, fire!
 * [The goons fire again on Trader Moe]
 * Trader Moe: Don't listen to the kid! Don't listen to the pilot! Listen to me! When I say fire, you fire! [realizes] WAIT!
 * [They fire]

 * Rebecca: [Holding a sign saying the same] LAND YOU IDIOT SO I CAN STRANGLE U!

 * Rebecca & Trader Moe: [At the same time] Wait 'til I get my hands on that fat bear.

Mommy For A Day [1.8]

 * Rebecca: Molly Elizabeth Cunningham, what have you done?

 * Molly: [To Henry, the Inkara sitting on a poacher] Didn't your mama tell you it's not polite to sit on people?

I Only Have Ice For You [1.9]

 * Rebecca: This plane is private property! Who gave you the right to rummage around in it?! You're in big trouble, mister! Where are your credentials?
 * Don Karnage: Read my lips. I-am-a-pirate. I do not need credentials!

 * Jibber [whispers]
 * Don Karnage: What do you mean you found nothing?
 * Jibber [whispers again]
 * Don Karnage: I know what the word "nothing" means! Where are they, Baloo?!
 * Baloo: Where are what, Karny?
 * Don Karnage: [through a clenched jaw] It is Karnage! Don-Karnage!
 * Rebecca: Just give him the rubies, Baloo, before he gets angry.
 * Don Karnage: Yes, Baloo, before he gets angry!

 * Rebecca: Where did you hide the rubies?
 * Don Karnage: Yes! Yes! The rubies! The rubies! Tell her so I can eavesdrop!

 * Kit: Um... I don't think you can count your air pirates before they're despatched.

 * Rebecca: You shouldn't be doing this, Baloo.
 * Baloo: If you've got a better way, send me a postcard.

 * Baloo: Well, who's gonna fly the plane now? Who's gonna fly that iceberg, huh? [Rebecca points at herself] You?! You don't know your elbow from your aileron.

 * Baloo: 3 o'clock! Look! Look, Rebecca! 3 o'clock!
 * Rebecca: I know how to tell time, thank you!

 * Baloo: [After Kit knocks Dumptruck cold with a flying manual] Nothing like a good book to put you to sleep.

 * Don Karnage: A hundred tons of ice?! Why would anyone want a hundred tons of ice?!
 * Jibber: [whispers]
 * Don Karnage: Perhaps... but where would they get a straw big enough?

 * [The Air Pirates corner Baloo, Rebecca and Kit at the corner of the bomb bay.]
 * Baloo: Wait, wait! [points to the wall] What's this red button for?
 * Mad Dog: Oh, that's the bomb bay door release.
 * Baloo: Thank you! [presses it]
 * [Alarm klaxons sound.]
 * Don Karnage: He's opened the bomb bay doors! This is no time to be brave!  RUN AWAY!

Molly Coddled [1.10]

 * Baloo: Say, how'd you find out about this inspection anyway?
 * Kit: Uh... I accidentally read it on her calendar.
 * Baloo: You mean the very private "Trespassers shall be shot" calendar that she keeps locked in her desk?
 * Kit: That's the one.
 * Baloo: [Laughs] I love that boy.

 * Rebecca: I thought the air freight business would be full of adventure and romance. All I get is clutter and disorder.

 * Rebecca: Molly, I want to talk to you about Mr. Covington. You do realize that Covington has become very special to me.
 * Molly: I know, mommy, but Kara and Milly thinks he's creepy.
 * Rebecca: They want me to be happy, don't they?
 * Molly: Sure, mommy, but ... [Sigh] They'll try real hard to like Mr. Covington.
 * Rebecca: [Kisses Molly] Thank you, Molly. [Leaves]
 * Molly: But I won't.

 * Covington: Don't six-year-olds ever get tired?

 * Covington: Oh, Rebecca, darling, forgive me! Molly has been kidnapped.
 * Baloo: [Grabbing him by the collar] Kidnapped?!
 * Rebecca: [Pushing them apart] Calm down, Baloo. I'll handle this. [Wrenches him by the collar] KIDNAPPED?!

 * Rebecca: I got romance and adventure... and may have lost my daughter in the process.

 * [Molly battles the kidnapper]
 * Badger #1: Remind me to give up kidnapping.

 * Rebecca: Why you two-faced, thimble-headed, no-account... MAN!

Polly Wants A Treasure [1.11]

 * Mad Dog: [Threatening an antique dealer] All right, you-
 * Dumptruck: Say, let me do it, Mad Dog. It's my turn. [Grabbing the dealer] All right! Vhere is it?
 * Dealer: Where's what?
 * Dumptruck: [To Mad Dog] Er... Vhere's vhat?

 * [When someone on board sneezes]
 * Baloo & Kit: Gesundheit!... Thank you... You're welcome... But I didn't sneeze.

 * [Rifling through his cargo to get at a stowaway]
 * Baloo: Why, I'm gonna (Oops, that's Becky's crystal) pull your head off and (Gotta be careful with that one) use it for a doorstop!

 * Baloo: Rebecca, have a heart. When was the last time I lied to you?
 * Rebecca: What time is it?

 * Baloo: With all the time I'm spending in the doghouse, I'm gonna need a flea collar!

 * Don Karnage: [Slaps Mad Dog] IDIOT! That ratty old parrot happens to be a living breathing treasure map.
 * Mad Dog: [Slaps Dumptruck] Idiot!
 * Don Karnage: [Slaps Mad Dog again] I'll do the smacking around here. [Slaps Dumptruck next]

 * Dumptruck: [In disguise] Vhat am I supposed to be?
 * Mad Dog: You're a bird-watcher, mutton head!
 * Dumptruck: Oh, ja. I love the little birdies, especially vith french fries.

 * Don Karnage: Where's the treasure?!
 * Kit: I don't know.
 * Don Karnage: You do!
 * Kit: Don't!
 * Don Karnage: Do!
 * Kit: Don't!
 * Don Karnage: You don't.

 * Baloo: You're in charge so charge!

 * Don Karnage: [After crashing into a wall-face] What a lousy place for a wall.

Vowel Play [1.12]

 * Teacher: There is no "ick" in Spinach, Kit.
 * Kit: Wanna bet? Taste it. Ick!

 * Baloo: Becky, that guy's as shifty as a 10-speed clutch.

 * Mr. Weaselle: Sorry. I was too busy thinking of your Heimlich Maneuver to see that you were choking.

 * Detective Thursday: Look, a flying bear!
 * Laundry Woman: So?
 * Detective Thursday: Um... A flying bear that, uh... juggles bowling balls!

 * Rebecca: Brilliant, Baloo! What were two o's doing in "Chicken Soup"?
 * Baloo: The backstroke?

 * Rebecca: I'm telling you, Baloo, the way you spell is a crime.
 * Baloo: Gimme a break, Beckers. You're making a federal case out of nothing.
 * Detective Thursday: Are you the sky-writing pilot?
 * Baloo: Yup, sure am.
 * Detective Thursday: You're under arrest.

 * Detective Thursday: I want the truth about those sky-written messages. Talk!
 * Baloo: [Thinking he's talking about his bad spelling] All right. Okay. I confess. I'm the one you're looking for.
 * Detective Thursday: I knew it! How long as this been going on?
 * Baloo: Since 3rd Grade. My teacher said I'd be sorry someday.
 * Detective Thursday: Started on the road to ruin young, eh?

 * Detective Thursday: Pathetic! I've never seen such awful grades in my life.
 * Baloo: Hey! I passed recess with flying colors.

 * Baloo: Look, I proved I'm a lousy speller. What more do you want? All I did was write a few messages for Mr. Weasel.
 * Detective Thursday: You know Weasel? Sneaky-looking guy in a bad suit, one of this town's biggest gangsters?
 * Baloo: Yeah, yeah, and I can prove it. He dropped this. [shows Thursday the code book]
 * Detective Thursday: [looks through the book] Why, this is a book of secret codes.
 * Rebecca: Detective, I promise the next time Weasel shows up to give us another skywriting assignment, we'll refuse.
 * Detective Thursday: Negative. Now that we've got his code book, I want you to play along. You're working for us now, Baloo.

 * Mr. Weaselle: Here is the last message you'll ever need to sky-write: "Wait until dark".
 * Baloo: Okay. But if I write if after dark, it'll be kinda hard to read.

 * Baloo: Well, Beckers, it just goes to show it pays to know your ABDs.

The Idol Rich [1.13]

 * Baloo: When you're outmuscled, you've got to outthink 'em. Smart, subtile and trekkier than a bathtub full of jello.

 * Baloo: So you see, Rebecca, this sick aunt of mine really needs my help and I thought-
 * Rebecca: What was this aunt's name again, Baloo?
 * Baloo: Uh... Er... Um... Milly! Yeah, that's it! Aunt Milly.
 * Rebecca: Milly. That makes 23 sick aunts in the last six months.
 * Baloo: Er... Well, you see... Pop's side of the family was never very healthy.
 * Rebecca: It's another treasure hunt, isn't it?

 * Baloo: Never trust a bubble you don't blow yourself.

 * Kit: How'd you find us anyway?
 * Colonel Ivanod Spigot: [Chortle] I simply examined the clues and my scintillating intellect deciphered where the idol was hidden.
 * Sergeant Dunder: Yeah. And then we followed ya.

 * Kit: I don't suppose you have a knife?
 * Baloo: Sorry, Kit, the closest thing I've got is a shoulder blade.

 * Colonel Spigot: I found it! Of course, you were holding it at the time but you proved no match for Spigot, the might that makes right.
 * Baloo: The only right you should worry about is mine. And my left too.

 * Louie: Hey, Baloo, ol' peluka. You want any backup?
 * Baloo: Thanks, Louie, but this is between me and them.
 * Louie: What Baloo needs between him and them is about three inches of concrete.

 * Colonel Spigot: Gentlemen, there is a flyboy in my soup.

 * Baloo: [Disguised as a fakir, he bows] It's you! It's you, O you horrible shrunken beast of supernatural of nastiness!
 * Colonel Spigot: What is the meaning of this?!
 * Sergeant Dunder: Are you speaking of Colonel Spigot?
 * Baloo: Oh, no, round one. I am speaking to the other horrible shrunken of supernatural nastiness.

Stormy Weather [1.14]

 * Baloo: What you were doing wasn't safe.
 * Kit: Since when do you care about safe? Who flew two tons of dynamite through a hurricane?

 * Daring Dan Dawson: [About Kit] You must be the proud parents of Ace here!
 * Rebecca: [Pointing to Baloo] Me?! Married to HIM?!

 * Police Officer: You're named Baloo? I-
 * Baloo: Okay. I surrender. Lock me up. I got nothing to live for anyway.
 * Police Officer: Huh?
 * Baloo: You're not here about the parking tickets?

 * Baloo: Wait 'til I get through with that guy! He'll be able to count all his teeth on one hand!

 * Baloo: Where's my navigator when he needs me?

 * Police Officer: Dan Dabroski alias et cetera et cetera, you're under arrest!

Bearly Alive [1.15]

 * [A phone conversation where Rebecca's talking about Baloo's health when Dr. O' Myer is talking about Baloo's broken gyro compass]
 * Dr. O' Myer: It's bad news. Worse than I thought.
 * Rebecca: Worse?
 * Dr. O' Myer: Let me put it this way: Knock knock.
 * Rebecca: Who's there?
 * Dr. O' Myer: Imma
 * Rebecca: Imma who?
 * Dr. O' Myer: Immafraid the patient's time is up. This is one bad googleschlocker.
 * Rebecca: Is there anything I can do?
 * Dr. O' Myer: Well, you can sell me the spare parts.

 * [Rebecca trying to break the news to Baloo that he's dying]
 * Rebecca: Baloo, you know how you've been thinking of ordering a lifetime subscription to Flyboy Magazine? Well, I'd go with a week to week if I were you?
 * Baloo: Huh?
 * Rebecca: Er, I... Um... Let me try this another way. Remember how you said no birthday party will ever top last year's?
 * Baloo: Yeah?
 * Rebecca: Well, I think you're right.
 * Baloo: Becky, you're spinning your propeller but you're not getting anywhere. Now why don't you just spit it out?
 * Rebecca: Okay. Your doctor called. It's bad. The worst.
 * Baloo: Are you saying I'm headed for the last takeoff? Taking the final nosedive? Parachuting without a parachute?
 * Rebecca: Yes, you're dying! [Bursts into tears]

 * Baloo: If I do make it out, I'll go down in history like Wilbur and Orville, the Kitty Hawk Kids, Amelia Airhead, Oscar Wiggerstomper.
 * Rebecca: Who's Oscar Wiggerstomper?
 * Baloo: See? He never did anything historic.

 * Kit: Look out for that island!
 * Wildcat: [Crash lands the plane] You mean this island?

 * Kit: I remember that guy. He was laughed out of the airplane biz.
 * Wildcat: He's a comedian?
 * Kit: No! He's Howard Huge, the famous airplane designer. I heard they gave him the axe.
 * Wildcat: He's a lumberjack?

 * Rebecca: Why would anyone hide an emergency exit under a seat?
 * Wildcat: 'Cause it's too hard climbing through the luggage compartment.
 * Rebecca: Wildcat, if we make it back home safely, get therapy.

 * Baloo: Let's see if this lead canary can flap its wings.

Her Chance To Dream [1.16]

 * Bartender: [on phone] Uh-huh! Where's the hullabaloo?...  Oh, that Baloo!

 * Baloo: Run for your lives!
 * Louie: We are host to a ghost!

 * Rebecca: You lowlife excuse for a pilot! When you said Molly had eaten your maps, that was cute. When you said a big hurricane blew your plane to Louie's, that was mildly amusing. But this is stupid!

 * Baloo: That hash house is haunted!
 * Louie: C-c-c-c-come see for yourself.
 * Baloo: Yeah, and if there's no ghost, I'll quit my job.
 * Rebecca: If there's no ghost, you won't have a job to quit!

 * Rebecca: [About holding a weapon] Possession is nine-tenths of guilt.

 * [When Captain William Stansbury walks in]
 * Baloo: Well, now, who's the stiff?
 * Rebecca: You don't see many of them around here, Baloo. They're called gentlemen.

 * Louie: Check it out, man! Ol' barnacle breath is putting the whammy on Beck-o-ramy.

 * Baloo: I don't believe it! Generator's out, batteries, hydraulics... From the rudder to the fuzzy dice, this whole plane is dead!

 * Baloo: You want us to sleep in that haunted house?
 * Rebecca: Well, you can't sleep in here. Your snoring could wake the dead.
 * Louie: Have a little heart.
 * Rebecca: Have a little backbone.

 * Baloo: Listen. You hear that?
 * Louie: I don't hear anything.
 * Baloo: That's what I mean! We scared 'em off!

All's Whale That Ends Whale [1.17]

 * Seymour: Get back here! the show isn't over yet!

For A Fuel Dollars More [1.19]

 * Baloo: I hate this Kit. I hate it.
 * Kit: Calm down Baloo, We're almost to Louie's.

A Touch Of Glass [1.24]

 * Baloo: All right, everyone aboard. I hope the trip's not too roughy.
 * Rebecca: Baloo, that's enoughy- I mean enough.

 * Rebecca: Baloo was right, I've been judging people all wrong.

The Bigger They Are, The Louder They Oink [1.25]

 * Baloo: Run! Run!
 * Rebecca: [panting] I'm running, I'm running!
 * [They reach the Sea Duck and Baloo yanks the door open.]
 * Baloo: In! In!
 * Rebecca: I'm inning, I'm inning!

 * Baloo: One thousand smackers for that overpriced piece of bacon?!
 * Salesman: [panicking] Oh, no! You said the "b" word!
 * Baloo: What, bacon?
 * [The hog goes berserk.]

A Spy In The Ointment [1.26]

 * Baloo: The guy looked like a parking valet...
 * Rebecca: You should have asked for credentials!
 * Baloo: [scoffs] Credentials? Like what, a badge? The guy parks cars! Anyway, I got your car back.
 * Rebecca: In how many pieces?
 * [about five minutes later]
 * Baloo: You should ask for some credentials!
 * Rebecca: [scoffs] Credentials? What do you want, a badge? The guy's a secret agent!

 * ''[after opening the "secret package"]
 * Rebecca: They carry microfilm, right? They explode! Jack, please tell me they're not just ordinary worms!
 * Jack: They're not ordinary worms. They're... very expensive fishing worms.
 * Rebecca: But why would a spy carry fishing worms?
 * Jack: I'm... not a spy. I'm just a... mailman.
 * Rebecca: [seizes him, furious] But the trench coat!
 * Jack: Would you have helped me if I said I was a postal worker?
 * Baloo: [enjoying this immensely] You should have asked for credentials!
 * Rebecca: Talk!
 * Jack: My boss had me mail two packages. One was to his wife, the other to the High Marshal. You see, the High Marshal likes to fish...
 * Baloo: And you sent the wrong package.
 * Jack: She was supposed to get a jewelry box with little frills and a toy ballerina on top...
 * Rebecca: We've been risking our necks for a can of worms and a jewelry box?!

A Baloo Switcheroo [1.28]

 * Baloo: [in Kit's body] Oh, clip my wings, what happened?
 * Kit: [in Baloo's body] I know what you mean, Baloo. Suddenly, I feel so…heavy.
 * Baloo/Kit: Li'l Britches, how…how did you get so big?
 * Kit/Baloo: Hey!
 * Baloo/Kit: And ruggedly handsome.
 * Kit/Baloo: Baloo, I'm you, and you're…me!
 * Baloo/Kit: Whoa! I've heard of going through a second childhood, but not somebody else's.

 * Rebecca: [in Don Karnage's body] Stop or I'll call the police!

Whistlestop Jackson, Legend [1.29]

 * Shere Khan: I believe in bygones being bygones. But this is business.

Flight Of The Snow Duck [1.33]

 * Baloo: That's my plane!
 * Clerk: According to this official stamp, it's a bird.
 * Baloo: It's a plane!
 * Clerk: It's a bird!
 * Baloo: It's a plane!

 * Baloo: This jail food is worse than Louie's all you can stand for a dollar special!

 * Wildcat: Want to play in the snow?
 * Molly: No.
 * Wildcat: [makes a snow donut] Want a donut?
 * Molly: It's not a donut. It's just snow.

The Old Man And The Sea Duck [1.35]

 * Kit: [sees a photo of the late Joe Magee] Who's that, Baloo? A friend of yours?
 * Baloo: More than a friend, Kit. More like a guardian angel.
 * Joe Magee: [voice] Look around you, Baloo. You're free as a bird. The skies are yours.

War Of The Weirds [1.36]

 * Rebecca: Now see what your lying got us into?!
 * Baloo: You're the one who lied to G.I. Shmoe!
 * Rebecca: Yeah, but you lied to me first, so I had to lie to you to teach you the truth about lying!
 * Baloo: Hey, this lady has potential!
 * Kit: You're both nuts...

 * Kit: Boy, she dies as good as you do!
 * Baloo: Toldja she had potential!

Captains Outrageous [1.37]

 * Don Karnage: What nincompoopery is this?
 * Don Karnage: Any fool could see this is not the Sea Duck.
 * Sadie: But here's their secret weapon.
 * Don Karnage: You know, I would brain you- if you had a brain.
 * Don Karnage: These friends of Baloo are useless.
 * Don Karnage: They have no money, bad breath, and their mother dresses them in the silly clothes.
 * Kit Cloudkicker: I'm not afraid of you Don Garbage.
 * Kit Cloudkicker: Who are you calling useless?
 * Wildcat: Yeah uh what he said.

 * [When Dumptruck bunks Wildcat in the head]
 * Don Karnage: You have a quick tongue.
 * Don Karnage: Keep it somewhere quiet like in your closed up mouth.
 * Don Karnage: But, let us not be the hasty puddings.

For Whom The Bell Klangs: Part I [1.39]

 * Louie: She followed me home. Can I keep her?
 * Baloo: Louie, ungag the purdy lady. She probably wants to thank me.
 * Louie: Hey! I saw her first! [Louie ungags Katie]
 * Katie Dodd: Put me down, you goon!

 * Maitre'D: Wait, gentlemen! Do you have a reservation?
 * Baloo: Oh, that's okay, I'm with him.
 * Louie: And I'm with him.

 * Thaddeus E. Klang: You have a sharp tongue, madam, but my teeth are sharper! [bites through chain]

For Whom The Bell Klangs: Part II [1.40]

 * Baloo: Well, so what do you want to do for the rest of our vacation?
 * Louie: Anything but treasure hunting, Baloo.
 * Baloo: Right. And no more falling for pretty faces.
 * Harem Girl: Psst. Excuse me. Did I hear you mention treasure hunting? It just so happens I have this map...
 * [Baloo and Louie take the map and smash it over her head]
 * Harem Girl: Ohh. What did I say?

Jolly Molly Christmas [1.43]

 * Don Karnage: This is Santa Karnage... You will give us the biggest and best Christmas presents... or we will blow you to tinsel!

Flight School Confidential [1.46]

 * Bobbo: [saluting] Kit, we'll always remember you as the kid who flew a plane... sort of.

 * High Marshall: [seeing through Spigot's ruse] Kids?!
 * Col. Spigot: Y-you're not going to shoot me, are you?
 * High Marshall: I wouldn't waste a bullet. [Spigot exhales in relief.] I have a much crueler punishment in mind!
 * [cut to the barracks kitchen, where Spigot is peeling onions]
 * Col. Spigot: [sobbing] That little brat! Oh, I hope I don't cut myself...

Bringing Down Babyface [1.47]

 * Baloo: Babyface Half Nelson!
 * Rebecca: Oh, don't be such a baby.
 * Baloo: He's just a gangster.
 * Rebecca: He will be wearing stripes silly.
 * Gertalin: You're under arrest!
 * Baloo: But I just subduted a criminal.
 * Gertalin: Wrong you subduted Officer Malarkey.

Jumping The Guns [1.48]

 * [Don Karnage is trying to sneak the Iron Vulture past the Cape Suzette cliff guns by disguising it as a yacht, and his men as bathing beauties.])
 * Dumptruck: Hey, I'm embarrassed.
 * Mad Dog: And I'm chilly.
 * Dumptruck: Can ve put our coats on, captain?
 * Don Karnage: What?! And ruin a perfect cover? I am in disguise; you are in disguise; the Iron Vulture is in disguise! Life is beautiful! Within moments, my love boat will sail right under those Cape Suzette guns. See how convincing you are, ladies? You have brought the attention of a handsome young sailor.
 * [The sailor in question is communicating with them in Semaphore.]
 * Mad Dog: Uh, maybe he's trying to tell us something, captain.
 * Don Karnage: Nonsense! What could he possibly be trying to tell us?
 * [The Iron Vulture crashes into a rock, causing its disguise to fall apart. The gunners open fire.]
 * Don Karnage: Uh-oh... Retreat!
 * Dumptruck: Now can ve put our coats on, captain?

In Search Of Ancient Blunders [1.49]

 * Don Karnage: Fire at will!
 * [Will screams]
 * Don Karnage: Do not fire at Will, he is my Second Mate. Fire at the Sea Duck!

Mach One for the Gipper [1.56]

 * Ace London: [to Sally, owner of Sally's Alley behind the bar] Ta-ta, Sal, m' gal! I'm off to become really famous this time!
 * Sally: What are you testing this time, flyboy?
 * Ace London: Well, sweetheart, all's I can say is [puts one foot on top of the bar and points theatrically at the sky] I've got an engine that's gonna make me the fastest man on earth!

 * [General Patton has just discovered Baloo's pickles in the large crate Ace flew in, and Ace realizes he loaded the wrong one.]
 * Ace London: Uh... there was this other pilot back at Sal's! He must have switched crates on me!
 * General Patton: Then I want that man arrested!
 * Ace London: [panicked] No! [composes himself] No. Leave it to me, sir. I'll get that engine back or my name's not... [snaps fingers]
 * Group: Ace London!
 * Ace London: [winking heroically] You got THAT right!

 * Baloo: [to Wildcat, while flying in the Sea Duck] I tell you, Wildcat, ever since we were kids, Ace was always good at getting two things: The glory and my goat! Oh, man, what I wouldn't give to see me bein' the hero and him hauling the freight! Just once!
 * Ace London: [over radio] Baloo, it's Ace! Wait up!
 * Baloo: Well, speak of the devil! [sarcastically into radio] Aren't the shipping lanes a little slow for the fastest man on earth?
 * Ace London: You gotta give me your cargo right now, Baloo. That's an order!

 * [surrounded by Air Pirates on one side and Ace and his pilots on the other]
 * Wildcat: Oh! Baloo, I got this sensational idea, that's like, in my head! [whispers] Let's use the secret engine!
 * Baloo: Are you loco?! That things untested, secret, dangerous...! [chuckles] And absolutely perfect!

 * Baloo: [holding onto the out of control jet engine, shouts to Wildcat] Shut it off!
 * Wildcat: I thought I did!
 * Baloo: Well, do it again!

 * Wildcat: [to Baloo, after the jet engine suddenly stops] We're out of juice.
 * Baloo: I figured.

 * [At the air force base where Baloo and Wildcat have just broken the sound barrier]
 * Ace London: No! No, no, no! Wait! I'm the one who's supposed be famous, not him! [angrily pushes through the group of soldiers surrounding Baloo and Wildcat] He stole my engine!
 * Baloo: Hey, whoa! Feather your props, Ace. I maybe a lowly cargo pilot, but I'm not a thief!
 * Ace's first pilot: He's right sir! You must've loaded the wrong crate.

 * [Ace London's true nature was exposed after falsely accused Baloo a thief]
 * General Patton: Shooting at civilians? Mishandling top secret property? I'll deal with you later, London! [pushes Ace away] Congratulations, son. This'll go in the history books.
 * Baloo: Well, how about that?
 * General Patton: You tested our jet for us. Now what can we do for you?
 * Baloo: Well, I still have to deliver my pickles. But I got no plane.
 * General Patton: Hmm... [points] why, he could fly the cargo for you, or his name's not...
 * Group: Ace London!
 * [Cut to a close-up of Ace.]
 * Ace London: [snapping weakly] You got that right.
 * [He crumples over the wheel, sobbing pathetically, with a large crate marked "PICKLES" strapped to the back of his fighter plane.]

Stuck on You [1.57]

 * Don Karnage: It is this way, trust me!
 * Baloo: Trust you?! Every chance you get, you cheat, you rob and you lie!
 * Don Karnage: It's my job!
 * Baloo: It was also your job not to tell them I was with you!
 * Don Karnage: One little slip-up... so shoot me!
 * [A gunshot ricochets off the hatch]
 * Baloo: I wish you hadn't said that!

The Sound and the Furry [1.58]

 * [A creature is playacting baseball to communicate with Wildcat]
 * Wildcat: Baseball! First base, second base, he's rounding third base! Home! Home? Oh! You want to see a baseball game in Bayou Country!

 * Pilot #2: We don't have any tar.
 * Pilot #3: And we don't have any feathers.
 * Pilot #2: But we've got airplane grease.
 * Pilot #3: And we've got spoons!
 * Pilots: Grease and spoon him! Grease and spoon him! Grease and spoon him!

The Incredible Shrinking Molly [1.63]

 * Doctor Zibaldo: Why is it that toast always lands with the butter side down?! You drop ten slices... a hundred slices...

 * Baloo: I'll bet this is the last time we ever hear of Doctor Zibaldo... or television!

Bygones [1.64]

 * Baloo: If you were Rick Sky, how come you got caught so easily? You were only outnumbered six to one.
 * Rick Sky: That was your fault. You didn't tell me your plane had no guns.  Imagine my surprise!
 * Baloo: [sarcastically] Well, if I had known you needed them, I would have put some on for you!
 * Rick Sky: That's perfectly all right. Apology accepted.

 * Baloo: And when it was over, the Squadron of Seven flew off, never forgetting the lone pilot who helped them recover the treasure... and their honor.

F'reeze A Jolly Good Fellow

 * Don Karnage: Hee hee - ooooh, I just love it when [Danger Woman] tinfoils the bad guys!

 * Baloo: Now what are you really after, Karny?
 * Don Karnage: For the umptimillionth time, Baloo, my name is Karnage - Don Karnage! And I am after nothing today but a birthday - mine!
 * Louie: Ya don't say! So just how many candles will you be puttin' on your cake this year, you ol' pirate you?
 * Don Karnage: My... candles... are none of your cotton-plucking floor wax, you snoopsy simian!
 * Dumptruck: But, captain - you said you vere tventy-nine years old dis morning! But come to tink ov it, you said dat last year, too! And da year before dat! And da year be-
 * Don Karnage: Remind me to shoot you when we get home!
 * Dumptruck: Err - sorry, captain!

Bygones

 * Don Karnage: Not only am I a genius, but I am very very smart too.

 * Wildcat: You know, using these leftover spare parts, I could probably make a plane in an hour.
 * Baloo: Really?
 * Wildcat: Sure. And since I only have half the parts, it'll only take half as long!

title: TaleSpin


text:
John Jay

John Jay (12 December 1745 – 17 May 1829) was an American politician, statesman, revolutionary, diplomat, and jurist, who was one of the Founding Fathers of the United States of America.

Quotes

 * Slaves, though held by the laws of men, are free by the laws of God.
 * As quoted in "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question" (18 October 1859), by George William Curtis, Orations and Addresses of George William Curtis.

1770s

 * No power on earth has a right to take our property from us without our consent.
 * Address to the People of Great Britain, drafted by Jay and approved by the First Continental Congress (21 October 1774); as contained in American Eloquence: A Collection of Speeches and Addresses by the Most Eminent Orators of America, Volume 1, ed. Frank Moore, D. Appleton (1872), p. 159

 * The Americans are the first people whom heaven has favoured with an opportunity of deliberating upon and choosing forms of government under which they should live.
 * Charge to the Grand Jury of Ulster County (1777).

Letter to Lindley Murray (1774)

 * Among the strange things of this world, nothing seems more strange than that men pursuing happiness should knowingly quit the right and take a wrong road, and frequently do what their judgments neither approve nor prefer. Yet so is the fact; and this fact points strongly to the necessity of our being healed, or restored, or regenerated by a power more energetic than any of those which properly belong to the human mind. We perceive that a great breach has been made in the moral and physical systems by the introduction of moral and physical evil; how or why, we know not; so, however, it is, and it certainly seems proper that this breach should be closed and order restored. For this purpose only one adequate plan has ever appeared in the world, and that is the Christian dispensation. In this plan I have full faith. Man, in his present state, appears to be a degraded creature; his best gold is mixed with dross, and his best motives are very far from being pure and free from earth and impurity.
 * Letter to (22 August 1774), as published in The Life of John Jay (1833) by William Jay, Vol. 2, p. 345.

1780s

 * The Bible is the best of all books, for it is the word of God and teaches us the way to be happy in this world and in the next. Continue therefore to read it and to regulate your life by its precepts.
 * Letter to Peter Augustus Jay (April 9, 1784). (citation needed, no such quotation exists in his letters collected by the National Archive)

 * Our people had been so long accustomed to the practice and convenience of having slaves, that very few among them even doubted the propriety and rectitude of it. Some liberal and conscientious men had indeed, by their conduct and writings, drawn the lawfulness of slavery into question.
 * Letter to the President of the English Society for Promoting the Manumission of Slaves (June 1788).

Letter to Reverend Doctor Price (1785)

 * Letter to Reverend Doctor Price (27 September 1785)

 * That men should pray and fight for their own freedom, and yet keep others in slavery, is certainly acting a very inconsistent, as well as unjust and, perhaps, impious part, but the history of mankind is filled with instances of human improprieties.

Letter to R. Lushington (1786)

 * Letter to R. Lushington (15 March 1786)

 * It is much to be wished that slavery may be abolished. The honour of the States, as well as justice and humanity, in my opinion, loudly call upon them to emancipate these unhappy people. To contend for our own liberty, and to deny that blessing to others, involves an inconsistency not to be excused.

Federalist No. 2 (1787)

 * "Federalist No. 2" (31 October 1787), The Federalist Papers.

 * With equal pleasure I have as often taken notice, that Providence has been pleased to give this one connected country, to one united people; a people descended from the same ancestors, speaking the same language, professing the same religion, attached to the same principles of government, very similar in their manners and customs, and who, by their joint counsels, arms and efforts, fighting side by side throughout a long and bloody war, have nobly established their general Liberty and Independence.

 * This country and this people seem to have been made for each other, and it appears as if it was the design of Providence, that an inheritance so proper and convenient for a band of brethren, united to each other by the strongest ties, should never be split into a number of unsocial, jealous, and alien sovereignties.

 * Similar sentiments have hitherto prevailed among all orders and denominations of men among us. To all general purposes we have uniformly been one people; each individual citizen everywhere enjoying the same national rights, privileges, and protection. As a nation we have made peace and war: as a nation we have vanquished our common enemies: as a nation we have formed alliances, and made treaties, and entered into various compacts and conventions with foreign States.

Federalist No. 4 (1787)

 * It is too true, however disgraceful it may be to human nature, that nations in general will make war whenever they have a prospect of getting anything by it; nay, absolute monarchs will often make war when their nations are to get nothing by it, but for the purposes and objects merely personal, such as thirst for military glory, revenge for personal affronts, ambition, or private compacts to aggrandize or support their particular families or partisans. These and a variety of other motives, which affect only the mind of the sovereign, often lead him to engage in wars not sanctified by justice or the voice and interests of his people.
 * Federalist No. 4 (7 November 1787) Full text from Wikisource.

Federalist No. 5 (1787)

 * "Federalist No. 5" (10 November 1787), The Federalist Papers.

 * Distrust naturally creates distrust, and by nothing is good-will and kind conduct more speedily changed than by invidious jealousies and uncandid imputations, whether expressed or implied.

1790s

 * Every man of every color and description has a natural right to freedom.
 * As quoted in George Clinton: Yeoman Politician of the New Republic, by John P. Kaminski, p. 205

 * It is presumed, that juries are the best judges of facts; it is, on the other hand, presumed that courts are the best judges of law. But still both objects are within your power of decision ... You have a right to take it upon yourselves to judge of both, and to determine the law as well as the fact in controversy.
 * Georgia vs. Brailsford (1794)

Letter to John Murray (1816)

 * It certainly is very desirable that a pacific disposition should prevail among all nations. The most effectual way of producing it, is by extending the prevalence and influence of the gospel. Real Christians will abstain from violating the rights of others, and therefore will not provoke war. Almost all nations have peace or war at the will and pleasure of rulers whom they do not elect, and who are not always wise or virtuous. Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers, and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest, of our Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers.
 * Letter to John Murray (12 October 1816) as published in The Life of John Jay (1833) by William Jay, Vol. 2, p. 376

Quotes about Jay

 * With the sure sagacity of a leader of men, Washington at once selected, for the highest and most responsible stations, the three chief Americans who represented the three forces in the nation which alone could command success in the institution of the government. Hamilton was the head, Jefferson was the heart, and John Jay was the conscience. Washington's just and serene ascendancy was the lambent flame in which these beneficent powers were fused, and nothing less than that ascendancy could have ridden the whirlwind and directed the storm that burst around him.
 * George William Curtis, as quoted in Manual Of Patriotism: For Use in the Public Schools of the State of New York (1900) By Charles Rufus SkinnerTake, p. 261.

 * By this constitution [NY State 1777] the right of suffrage was, in several instances, restricted to freeholders; it being a favourite maxim with Mr. Jay, that those who own the country ought to govern it.
 * Son William Jay in The Life of John Jay (1833), volume I, chapter III.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: John Jay


text:
User talk:JW1805~enwikiquote

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Hello,

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Renamed
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title: User talk:JW1805~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Djamund

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 06:34, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Djamund. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Djamund~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:21, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Djamund


text:
The Original Kings of Comedy

The Original Kings of Comedy is a 2000 stand-up comedy film, directed by Spike Lee, and features the comedy routines of Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, and Bernie Mac. Filmed before a live audience in Charlotte, North Carolina, these comedians give audiences their views about church, kids, black culture, and African-American families.

We got jokes. Taglines

Steve Harvey

 * [re: Rae Carruth]: Goddammit, normally when you runnin' from the law, you wanna get a passport... go to Canada... Brazil... Mexico... uh-uh, not Ray-Ray! Ray-Ray took his ass to Nashville!

 * [re: Titanic]: The band was playin' as the ship went down. What black band YOU know gon' keep playin, with the damn ship goin down'? Kool & the Gang woulda been unpluggin' shit! [acts like picking equipment up with the microphone cord] "Man, let's get the fuck outta here! Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on! Wrap this shit up! Let's go! GODDAMN IT, LET'S GO! Get that amplifier off 'fore somebody fuck around and get shocked!"

 * [re: The Temptations and soul music vs. rappers and hip hop music] Five Temptations...one mic. Whatever they did, they came back to the mike! Stank-ass rappers make me sick! Now, ev'rybody on the goddamned stage got a mike! Forty motherfucking people! Motherfucker, why? We can't understand what ONE of yo' asses is sayin'!"

 * [to "Boogie", a hip-hoppish member of the audience, after "Boogie" tells him he attends "computer school" and works in the field of "computer technology"] I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people...but you can't spell motherfucking "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer"...or "school"!

 * When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church -- it might seem a little strange to you -- but the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me.

D.L. Hughley

 * You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm FIRED? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."

 * Nobody love God like black folks. Black folks love us some God. Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, then you know the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folks' shit, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done ran outta wine!" "Well, you know, normally, I don't do this, but, uh...[Jesus turns the water into wine with one hand motion] gon' head, keep the party goin'."

 * "We're going out of town; you're gonna have to stay with Big Mama." "GOD DAMN! I hate that bitch and she hate me!" Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna fuck around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo' little black ass." Got them silly-ass superstitions: "Don't use the phone; there's a rainstorm! Lighting be done struck my house! Then my light bill be sky high!" "It's bad luck opening an umbrella in the house." No, it's bad luck having a hole in your fuckin' roof, that's what's bad luck!

Cedric the Entertainer

 * Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!

 * I met this dude the other day named Daryl...he gon' tell me to call him "Delicious". "Ced, you can just call me 'Delicious'". [Laughs, then becomes serious] I'm a grown-ass man, dawg. I ain't gonna call no other dude "Delicious"! What if that nigga way down the street or summin? "'DELICIOUS'!!! Ay, D, hol' up!".

 * [re: Luther Vandross] I don't do "little" Luther. I like "big, curl-not-quite-right" Luther. That boy made all that money, and his curl never...*sigh*...his curl never...really...curled all the way over!

Bernie Mac

 * [On sex] Imagine if they put sex in a can.

 * [On his penis] if I pull my shit out right now this whole room get dark.

 * [re: whipping a child] I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!

 * If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck wit' me!

 * [re: his two-year-old niece and six-year-old effeminate nephew]: I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew]!!'".

 * I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!

Taglines

 * We got jokes.
 * The heavyweight champions of comedy

title: The Original Kings of Comedy


text:
User talk:Timm4332~enwikiquote

Thanks for experimenting with Wikiquote. Your test worked, and has now been reverted or removed. Please use Sandbox for any other tests you want to do, since testing in articles will normally be reverted quickly. Please see the welcome page if you would like to learn more about contributing to our compendium of quotations. Thanks. --Thatdog 09:39, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

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title: User talk:Timm4332~enwikiquote


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title: User:Thatdog~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Thatdog~enwikiquote

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 09:44, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Thatdog. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Thatdog~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

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Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:37, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
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title: User talk:Thatdog~enwikiquote


text:
Extras (TV series)

Extras (2005 - 2007) is a sitcom written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. It concerns Andy Millman, a struggling actor forced into accepting dialogue-free roles as extras in various film and television productions, and his efforts to attempt to break into the big-time by hobnobbing with the more famous stars he works with.

Episode 1

 * Ben Stiller: A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?
 * Goran: Is funny film.
 * Ben Stiller: Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's … still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?
 * Andy: [quietly, to Maggie] Make Dodgeball 2?

 * [After Andy has spoken to Ben Stiller out of turn]
 * Ben Stiller: Who are you?
 * Andy: Nobody.
 * Ben Stiller: What's that? Who?
 * Andy: Nobody.
 * Ben Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
 * Andy: It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
 * [Pause]
 * Ben Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny?
 * Andy: You tell me, you were in it.
 * Stiller: Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
 * [Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]
 * Ben Stiller: Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?
 * Andy: No.
 * Ben Stiller: No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?
 * Random Crewmember: I dunno.
 * Ben Stiller: Take a wild guess.
 * Random Crewmember: Twenty million?
 * Ben Stiller: [Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.
 * Andy: [Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.
 * Ben Stiller: [Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!
 * Andy: Yes, you are.
 * Ben Stiller: I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
 * Maggie: In films.
 * Ben Stiller: It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]

Episode 2

 * Andy: Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
 * Darren: Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
 * Andy: Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
 * Darren: 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
 * Andy: [incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
 * Darren: That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.
 * Andy: Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
 * Darren: You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!

 * Andy: Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man?
 * Caterer: Chicken's the warmest.
 * Andy: Is it? I'll have that then.
 * Caterer: One chicken.
 * [gives Andy his food]
 * Andy: Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice!
 * [Caterer dives his fingers into mash]
 * Andy: Ooh, straight in there, no fuss.
 * Caterer: That's not a pube, it's a dog hair.
 * Andy: Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

Episode 3

 * Andy: Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?
 * Maggie: No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.
 * Andy: Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
 * Kate Winslet: Sounds interesting.
 * Andy: Hi. Not me. Her.
 * Kate Winslet: Go on.
 * Andy: Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
 * Kate Winslet: Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
 * Maggie: Yeah.

 * Winslet: My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"
 * Andy: Def-yeah
 * Winslet: Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.

Episode 4

 * [Genie appears out of a big lamp]
 * Les Dennis: Blimey! What a big poof.
 * Andy: [as Genie] Cheeky!
 * Les Dennis: Who are you?
 * Andy: Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.
 * Les Dennis: How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?
 * Andy: Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.

 * Les Dennis: You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.
 * Andy: Nothing wrong with gays.
 * Les Dennis: I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.
 * Andy: He's alright, i'n' he?
 * Les Dennis: Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny?
 * Andy: It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub
 * Les Dennis: What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.
 * Andy: Yeah, definitely, he was gay.
 * Les Dennis: I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?
 * Andy: Again quite funny when you do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?

Episode 5

 * Andy: He doesn't think you're a racist.
 * Maggie: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
 * Andy: What, the Rosa Parks incident??
 * Maggie: It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
 * Andy: Sure.

 * Andy: Well, there is that test I can give you.
 * Maggie: What test?
 * Andy: The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.
 * Maggie: I've never heard of it.
 * Andy: Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
 * Maggie: Brad Pitt, obviously.
 * Andy: Obviously?
 * Maggie: What?
 * Andy: I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
 * Maggie: Tony Blair.
 * Andy: Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
 * Maggie: [stressed] I don't know...
 * Andy: Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?
 * Maggie: Queen Elizabeth II.
 * Andy: Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?
 * Maggie: Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!
 * Andy: Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
 * Maggie: Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.
 * Andy: Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

Episode 6

 * Andy: What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?
 * Patrick Stewart: Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Patrick Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real?  I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
 * Andy: Alright.
 * Patrick Stewart: So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
 * Andy: Right. That's interesting.
 * Patrick Stewart: For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
 * Andy: All her clothes fall off?
 * Patrick Stewart: Mmm. Yes.  And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything.  I've seen it all.
 * Andy: Ok... So, comedy, is it?
 * Patrick Stewart: No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
 * Andy: What's the story though?
 * Patrick Stewart: Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass."  And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off.  On the grass.
 * Andy: So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?
 * Patrick Stewart: Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --
 * Andy: Her clothes fall off?
 * Patrick Stewart: Instantly.
 * Andy: Sure.

 * Patrick Stewart: You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched Star Trek? Good Lord...

Episode 1

 * Keith Chegwin: [as Alfie] My sister buried me today.
 * Andy: Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

 * Keith Chegwin: Back again! 14 years I did here at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers plays pop, all sorts. Still run by Jews and queers is it?
 * Andy: It's what!?
 * Keith Chegwin: This place, still run by your Jews and queers?
 * Andy: I think there are some Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.
 * Keith Chegwin: [sarcastically] "Gay!" Yeah I forgot, not meant to say queer are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? Now put it this way; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us minges. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.
 * Andy: Good, I should be making notes.
 * Keith Chegwin: What?
 * Andy: Nothing. It's all good advice.

Episode 2

 * Andy: I'm an entertainer too.
 * David Bowie: What do you do?
 * Andy: I'm in a sitcom.
 * Maggie: It's called When The Whistle Blows. Have you seen it?
 * David Bowie: I haven't, no, is it any good?
 * Heckler: [off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Episode 3

 * Daniel Radcliffe: You married?
 * Make-Up Artist: Yeah.
 * Daniel Radcliffe: Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

 * Darren: The papers don't look good.
 * Andy: Oh what's it say?
 * [Holds up newspaper]
 * Darren: "Bully kicks midget in face".
 * Andy: Accurate...
 * [Puts down paper and holds up another]
 * Darren: "Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
 * Andy: At least it can't get worse.
 * [Puts down paper and holds up another]
 * Darren: Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
 * Andy: Well what's that got to do with it?
 * Darren: Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.

Episode 4

 * Darren: Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
 * Andy: No.
 * Darren: Have a lovely bit of muffin.
 * Andy: I don't want any.
 * Darren: Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
 * Andy: No.
 * Darren: Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
 * Shaun: [through intercom] Yo?
 * Darren: I'm having the muffin.
 * Shaun: [through intercom] I'll come through.
 * Andy: Why is this an event?
 * Darren: It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
 * [Shaun enters]
 * Shaun: Alright, Andy?
 * Andy: Alright, Shaun.
 * [they shake hands]
 * Darren: Lovely bit of muffin.
 * Shaun: [to muffin] Hello, you.
 * [Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
 * Andy: Why's he eating like that?
 * Darren: Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
 * Shaun: Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
 * Andy: You... you shook my hand when you came in.
 * Shaun: Well that's politeness innit?
 * Darren: He's just being polite.

 * [after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
 * Ronnie Corbett: [to Darren] It's your fault.
 * Darren: Why's it my fault?
 * Ronnie Corbett: They saw your head over the cubicle door.
 * Andy: They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
 * [security guard enters]
 * Security Guard: Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
 * [Andy laughs]
 * ...Is something funny?
 * Andy: Your joke, it was...
 * Security Guard: Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
 * [Andy mumbles]
 * ...Is this it? Or is there any more?
 * [Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
 * Ronnie Corbett: Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
 * Security Guard: Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
 * Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember.
 * Security Guard: Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
 * Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember.
 * Security Guard: Was it Moira Stuart?
 * Ronnie Corbett: I can't say.
 * Security Guard: We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
 * Ronnie Corbett: You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
 * Security Guard: Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
 * Andy: What? Me as well?
 * Security Guard: Yeah, all of you.
 * Andy: Oh...
 * Security Guard: You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
 * Ronnie Corbett: What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
 * Security Guard: Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
 * Ronnie Corbett: Probably.
 * Security Guard: Expect a call.
 * Darren: [pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Security Guard: Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
 * Darren: Makes sense.
 * Security Guard: Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
 * Andy: "Makes sense".
 * Darren: I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
 * Andy: Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.

Episode 5

 * Ian McKellen: How do I act so well? ... What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Ian McKellen: You're confused. It's perfectly simple.
 * Andy: No.
 * Ian McKellen: Case in point, Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? [conspiratorially] The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

 * [Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
 * Andy: Moron.
 * [Darren looks around]
 * Darren: You talking to me?
 * Andy: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
 * Darren: What play?
 * Andy: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.

Episode 6

 * [after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]
 * Robert Lindsay: Bit weird isn't it?
 * Andy: Bit presumptuous.
 * Lindsay: No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.

 * Darren: Have you ever driven a taxi for real?
 * Robert De Niro: ...No.

Christmas Special

 * [as they pass the TV displays in the department store]
 * Maggie: Look, it's Greg in a film!
 * Andy: Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.
 * Maggie: No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.
 * Andy: [scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...
 * Maggie: [as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!
 * Andy: [shrugging] Bit part.
 * Ross: I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...
 * Maggie: He's one of the leads!
 * Andy: In a terrible film.
 * Ross: ...I thought the film was brilliant...
 * Maggie: He thought it was brilliant!
 * Andy: Oh, I can hear!

 * Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
 * Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
 * Andy: You're not listening to me!
 * Darren: It's good money.
 * Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
 * Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
 * Andy: Right.
 * Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
 * Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
 * Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
 * Andy: Always do the audition!
 * Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
 * Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
 * Darren: Who?
 * Andy: Me!
 * Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
 * Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
 * Darren: But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
 * Andy: Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
 * Darren: Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]

 * George Michael: [approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.
 * Bunny: Oh, hi, George.
 * George Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
 * Andy: Lunch break?
 * George Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service.
 * Andy: Oh, are you still doing that?
 * George Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
 * Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
 * George Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
 * Andy: How'd they get involved, then?
 * George Michael: Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
 * Bunny: Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
 * George Michael: Oi, I'm not that desperate.
 * Bunny: Cheeky bastard!
 * George Michael: Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
 * Bunny: Love to.
 * George Michael: Yeah? Cheers.
 * Bunny: Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
 * Andy: Wasn't that a bit cramped?
 * Bunny: Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.

 * [after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]
 * Andy: Trey!
 * Manager: Excuse me!
 * Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
 * Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
 * Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
 * Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
 * Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
 * Greg: Guilty as charged.
 * Andy: Yeah... what about me?
 * Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
 * Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
 * Andy: Both.
 * Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
 * [long pause]
 * Andy: Rich and famous. And on the telly.
 * Trey: Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
 * Andy: Yes.
 * Trey: Comedy panel shows?
 * Andy: Yup.
 * Greg: You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
 * Andy: Yes, I know how they work.
 * Greg: [to Trey] Emmerdale.
 * Trey: Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
 * Andy: Pull 'em.
 * [cut to Andy entering the Big Brother house]

 * Amy: Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?
 * Andy: To your Hello wedding?
 * Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right?
 * Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And then they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up] And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think we're important, and that makes us think we're important. [Maggie sits up] If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress, to see her knickers! You're literally the gutter press. [loudly, into his microphone] And fuck you, the makers of this show, as well! You can't wash your hands of this, you can't keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want!" No! [Maggie watches openmouthed] The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called Big Brother. Or The X Factor, where in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. [Gestures to the cameras] Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all, 'cause I'm one of these people that goes, "Oh, I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood." Yeah, it's in my blood 'cause a real job's too hard. I would've loved to've been a doctor; Too hard, didn't want to put the work in. Love to be a war hero; I'm too scared. [Maggie starts to cry] So I go, "It's what I do." And I have someone bollocked if my cappucino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. [Looks directly at the camera, talking to Maggie] And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. [struggling not to cry] And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. And I'll never do that again, I'll never treat you like that again. And it's eating at me -- you asked me a stupid question once, and I just- I could have answered it, and I didn't, 'cause I was -- I'll answer it now... I'd be the penguin. [Maggie laughs] 'Cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking: why doesn't the fish fly away? Well, they can't really fly, they sort of glide and flap; they should be called "glidey flappy" fish. [Maggie laughs again] I'm so sorry.
 * Darren: [watching at the Carphone Warehouse, grins and wipes his eyes] I've been waiting to hear that, mate!
 * Shaun: I don't think he means --
 * Darren: He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
 * Shaun: ...Yeah.
 * Andy: I'm gonna go now. Cheers. [gets up and walks to the door; Amy follows]
 * Amy: Andy, that was- that was amazing.
 * Andy: Cheers.
 * Amy: I'm gonna come with you.
 * Andy: Okay.
 * Amy: Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini. [Runs to her room. Andy stands still for a second and then walks out without her]

Cast

 * Ricky Gervais - Andy Millman
 * Ashley Jensen - Maggie Jacobs
 * Stephen Merchant - Darren Lamb (credited as "Agent")
 * Shaun Williamson - Barry from EastEnders (himself)
 * Shaun Pye - Greg Lindley-Jones

title: Extras (TV series)


text:
Timothy Dalton

Timothy Peter Dalton (born March 21, 1946) is a Welsh-born British actor of stage and screen, famous for being chosen as the fourth official James Bond.

Quotes

 * This is a film that really inhabits the proper world of James Bond. I mean, James Bond lives in a world that is violent and dangerous.
 * On The Living Daylights, reported in Edward Gross, His Name was Bond, James Bond: Timothy Dalton on the World of 007.

 * I don't believe Bond is superman, a cardboard cut out or two-dimensional. He's got to be a human being. He’s got to be identifiable, and that's what I'm trying to be... It's not a spoof, it's not light, it's not jokey.
 * On his version of James Bond, reported in Edward Gross, His Name was Bond, James Bond: Timothy Dalton on the World of 007.

Attributed

 * He's terrific. I think [Casino Royale] is a huge step forward - a leap forward.
 * On Casino Royale.

 * It was a remarkable time of my life. I don’t think anyone except the few people who have played James Bond can tell you how strange and special it is and how much your life changes. I have no regrets about doing it at all.
 * On playing Bond.

 * Roger can climb out of a pocket aeroplane and give a glib remark, I can't
 * On the difference between his and Roger Moore's portrayal of Bond..

 * Richard Burton was Welsh; Tom Jones is Welsh, and we Welshmen like to think of ourselves as heroes - on screen and off!
 * On the land of his birth..

 * The question of what is good acting has got to be paramount in order to keep developing. If you cease to think about it, you cease to develop. There's the showy style and the acting that doesn't look like acting. I go for the latter.
 * On acting..

 * If you behave like a regular guy, you get treated like a regular guy. You can't cut yourself off from the world. You ultimately would go crazy, wouldn't you?
 * On fame..

title: Timothy Dalton


text:
User talk:69.156.88.26

UDScott 17:05, 19 November 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:69.156.88.26


text:
User talk:61.246.255.2

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title: User talk:61.246.255.2