text:
User talk:Fballesteros~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:29, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Fballesteros. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Fballesteros~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:22, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:47, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Fballesteros~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:T0mii515

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:29, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:T0mii515


text:
User talk:Sgaddampally

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Sgaddampally


text:
User talk:Nmotus~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Nmotus. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Nmotus~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:31, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:53, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Nmotus~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Leem762

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Leem762


text:
User talk:Moneykandan

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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title: User talk:Moneykandan


text:
User talk:Dyingdreams~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
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 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Dyingdreams. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Dyingdreams~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:21, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:47, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Dyingdreams~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Pcher

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:30, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
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 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Pcher


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Tristan and Isolde

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Delete Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:09, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Tristan and Isolde
Contains only one quote, which is in fact a verse of John Donne's The Good Morrow, though not identified as such. We already have that verse in the John Donne article. Donne's poem has no connection with the Tristan and Isolde story. Antiquary 23:16, 29 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closed: Result: Delete. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. 121a0012 02:26, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. ~ UDScott 14:10, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep, now that quotes have been added, although the page requires substantial cleanup. ~ UDScott 19:42, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 03:03, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. —LrdChaos (talk) 17:20, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless a proper, non-copyvio set of quotes and information is added. I have removed most of the material added by, as it was a blatant copyvio of IMDb's quote page and cast list. If we're going to add info from IMDb, it should be selective, formatted properly (including following our guidelines for context lines and stage directions, which should be put in our own words), and preferably verified against the primary source, all of which allow us to retain factual information without violating copyrights on presentation. Simply copying and pasting stuff from IMDb is illegal. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 01:22, 1 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Groo, the Wanderer

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Move to Groo the Wanderer. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:22, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Groo, the Wanderer
I don't think anything here is meaningful enough for WQ, and in any case if it's worth keeping, there's not enough here to justify a page of its own. 121a0012 05:00, 23 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closes: 05:00, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote extended until 05:00, 6 November 2006 (UTC), to provide more time to obtain sourced quotes from cited work. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 14:25, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote closed: Result: Keep, move to Groo the Wanderer. (Two deletes, one move to Sergio Aragonés, one move to Groo the Wanderer, but Jeff Q's argument is compelling). Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. If there are ever enough quotes gathered, they should more properly be placed on a page for the author of the comic, rather than the character. ~ UDScott 12:44, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. —LrdChaos (talk) 14:38, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: This article has some potential, either as a standalone or as a part of a Sergio Aragonés author article, which would match the WP article. There is also a WP article on Groo the Wanderer itself (note the punctuation difference), which lists quite a substantial collection of works under this name. My local library even has a copy of Groo: The Most Intelligent Man in the World, suggesting it's fairly popular. (I might stir myself to fetch it if we look like we might keep the article, in order to provide some sourced quotes. Okay, I want some down time and might feel like reading a comic book, but if it helps Wikiquote…) ~ Jeff Q (talk) 03:34, 25 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep by creating a stub page for Sergio Aragonés, placing the quotes there. - InvisibleSun 23:45, 25 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: I've gotten my hands on 3 Groo collections, and have so far added 3 sourced quotes from two of them (2 of which aren't from Groo himself). I've also added WP headings for both Groo and Aragonés, so we could pick the appropriate one based on the results of this VfD. I wanted to post this update and present some points for consideration:
 * According to Sergio Aragonés, Aragonés is "probably best-known for his contributions to Mad magazine", so moving this article to Sergio Aragonés would make it a bit Groo-heavy, and I'm not inclined to go hunting for Mad issues with Aragonés's work.
 * That WP article also currently says that co-author Mark "Evanier's role originally was as something of a translator, as Aragones was still somewhat shaky at expressing his ideas in English. Eventually the two began collaborating on story ideas, and there have been several Groo stories in which Evanier is credited as the sole writer." Evanier jokingly alludes to Aragonés's limited English vocabulary in the introduction to Groo: The Most Intelligent Man in the World. This raises the question of who is actually being quoted. Is Evanier the actual text author, just the translator, or more of a "coplotter", as Groo the Wanderer claims? The 3 collections boldly state "by Sergio Aragonés", less boldly "wordsmith Mark Evanier". I don't think we have enough information to make a call on this.
 * Basically, I'm leaning toward either deleting this article (based on the minimal effort thus far; I don't plan to do much more work on it) or moving it to comic-book article Groo the Warrior to match WP's article and avoid the whole question of who wrote what text. I definitely recommend against keeping it as a character article, as that's not a preferred subject type here and is unnecessarily limiting for a stub, giving the potential wittiness expressed by other Groo characters than the namesake (who is now outnumbered 2-to-1 sourced quotes in his own article). ~ Jeff Q (talk) 20:15, 3 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Reluctant move to Groo the Wanderer, reluctant because it means I'll feel compelled to read the remaining Groo works to add a few more properly sourced quotes. I would add that the U.S. Library of Congress and several Amazon.com titles support the Groo the Wanderer (no comma) WP spelling, while I have seen no sources supporting the comma. I deduce that, if we close with the current set of votes (2 deletes, 1 keep, 1 move), we will have "no consensus", but this should permit a sourced correction of the title by the move I'm recommending. (That's one reason I'm committing to this work, as I suspect we will have no consensus for anything else.) ~ Jeff Q (talk) 01:05, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Altered Beast (Video Game)

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Delete. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:35, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Altered Beast (Video Game)
Another pointless video-game page (as noted back in July). 121a0012 04:56, 30 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closed: Result: Delete. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. ~ UDScott 14:10, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 03:04, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. The current quotes are simply inane, as opposed to the utterly inane quotes I removed earlier. —LrdChaos (talk) 17:19, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless pithy, unique quotes added. This ain't no "all your base are belong to us". ~ Jeff Q (talk) 01:24, 1 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Mike Shinoda

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Delete. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:36, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Mike Shinoda
Notable subject, but the only source Google finds for this alleged quote is this article itself. 121a0012 04:59, 30 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closed: Result: Delete. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless sourced quotes are added. 121a0012 04:59, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete, concur with 121a0012. ~ UDScott 14:11, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. —LrdChaos (talk) 17:20, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless sourced quotes from Mike Shinoda added. Based on what I found Googling for '"Mike Shinoda"' peace love anarchy" (leaving the profane term out, as it can be cited many different ways, depending on the sensibilities of the scribe), the sole current quote is actually from Linkin Park bandmate Chester Bennington, not Shinoda. Alternatively, we can merge to Chester Bennington, but I'd still want the quote properly sourced. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 01:36, 1 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/The Dresden Dolls

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Keep. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:38, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

The Dresden Dolls
Another article of one unsourced, unverifiable quote. Surely if this were at all quoteworthy, someone else at some other Web site would have quoted it! 121a0012 05:27, 30 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closed: Result: Keep. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete . ~ UDScott 14:12, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep now that Jeffq cleaned the page up a bit. ~ UDScott 14:26, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep this stub, now that I've sourced the quote and added some infrastructure. I've also added a WQ box link to The Dresden Dolls to encourage some interest from Wikipedians. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 01:53, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. —LrdChaos (talk) 14:31, 1 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Little Nicky

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: . Keep. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:38, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Little Nicky
The one unsourced, unverifiable quote here is also utterly inane. A check of IMDB's quotes list doesn't reveal anything that looks remotely quotable. I'm wondering if perhaps there ought to be a higher notability standard for films than simply "released"…?

 * Vote closed: Result: Keep. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 09:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete, unless valid quotes are added. ~ UDScott 14:13, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep now that Jeff q has improved the page. ~ UDScott 14:27, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. --LHollister 22:34, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 03:06, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. —LrdChaos (talk) 17:22, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep with Jeffq's additions. —LrdChaos (talk) 14:31, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep this stub, now that I've added 1 halfway decent quote and some infrastructure. I've also added a WQ link to Little Nicky (film) to stimulate interest. I don't normally add quotes from IMDb that I can't immediately verify, but I'm also getting tired of deleting stubs that have potential. Little Nicky is far more "notable" than many films that deserve inclusion here; the real issue here is that nebulous concept of "quality". While I don't expect much from an Adam Sandler film, I'm hoping we can get something useful out of this one. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 02:22, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep - a very good film.. page has definate potential. MatthewFenton 12:59, 3 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Talk:Groo the Wanderer

Deletion debate
Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:44, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Unsourced

 * Did I err?

 * Now Groo does what Groo does best!

 * Mmmm, cheesedip!

 * A Fray!

 * Narrator: History is made by the winners, and told by those with the loudest voices.

title: Talk:Groo the Wanderer


text:
Talk:The Dresden Dolls

Deletion debate
Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:44, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: Talk:The Dresden Dolls


text:
Talk:Little Nicky

Deletion debate
Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 10:46, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: Talk:Little Nicky


text:
User:Wikipedia Anti-Virus

~ Kalki 12:06, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User:Wikipedia Anti-Virus


text:
User talk:Wikipedia Anti-Virus

~ Kalki 12:06, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:Wikipedia Anti-Virus


text:
User talk:66.102.10.136

~ Kalki 12:17, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:66.102.10.136


text:
Dead to Rights

Dead to Rights is a neo-noir third-person action video game for PlayStation 2 and Xbox.

Dialogue

 * Jack: Grant City. Hardest place on earth. People aren't born here. They're forged out of broken bones and blood money. Fortunes are lost and found on a daily basis, and if you're not one of the lucky finders, you're probably dead. That's not to say there's no justice here, it's just hard to reach sometimes. Under the layers of crime and corruption that stretch between the gutter and the glamour. It was another grey autumn. The leaves were changing from go-green to caution-yellow. Pretty soon they'd be danger-red, then dead-brown.

 * Jack: (to Preacherman Jones as they plot his escape) If this works, I'll be back to get you out of here Preacherman.
 * Preacherman Jones: The Lord don't like empty promises, son.
 * Jack: Faith padre, faith.

 * Sickle: (about to execute Jack) Hey Slate! When you get to Hell mention my name and they'll give you a discount!

 * Jack: They say every criminal returns to the scene of the crime, but very rarely do the good guys.

 * Jack: (after giving a speech on the outcome of the game and the hardness of the city) Well, I can tell you this for a fact: Jack Slate is about as far from dead as you can imagine.

 * (As a news report about Jack's death plays in the background, Preacherman Jones receives a package with a file, a gold bar and a postcard from Jack saying "faith padre, faith". Preacherman quickly realizes what it means)
 * Preacherman Jones: God bless Jack Slate! (runs to his cell door) Guard!

title: Dead to Rights


text:
User talk:68.193.145.222

Please stop adding nonsense to Wikiquote, as you did to Futurama. It is considered vandalism. If you would like to experiment, use the sandbox. —LrdChaos (talk) 15:13, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:68.193.145.222


text:
User:Nyarlathotep

This account has been recreated after renaming a vandal's impersonation, and the password will eventually be given to the original Nyarlathotep at Wikinews. ~ Kalki 15:47, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User:Nyarlathotep


text:
User talk:Nyarlathotep

This account has been recreated after renaming a vandal's impersonation, and the password will eventually be given to the original Nyarlathotep at Wikinews. ~ Kalki 15:48, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Esperanza
Join Esperanza and help make wikiquote a more friendly place. Have a nice week.--Sir James Paul 18:14, 19 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:Nyarlathotep


text:
User talk:84.66.154.4

~ UDScott 15:26, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Incidents of vandalism after a warning have resulted in this IP address being temporarily blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 16:16, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:84.66.154.4


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Brad Simanek

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: delete. —LrdChaos (talk) 16:00, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

Brad Simanek
Vanity page. 121a0012 03:43, 23 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote closed: Result: delete (four votes to delete, six votes to keep, of which five have little to no edit history). —LrdChaos (talk) 15:58, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

 * Comment: soon after I tagged this page for VFD, removed the tag.  121a0012 03:56, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. I've had hundreds of quotes published online, been interviewed on radio programs regarding my work and been cited on neutral sources. I've published books and have a moderate following online. My work can be found primarily at TopFive.com and Ruminate.com Bsimanek 04:00, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: I sincerely apologize about the tag removal: I thought that was an error I triggered because of numerous edits. Bsimanek 04:05, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: Further comment: all the submitted work is original and much has been repeated/forwarded; the intent of the WikiQuote entry was to establish ownership of the many quotes floating around the Web that may be lacking proper attribution. It is not intended as a "vanity site." Bsimanek 04:10, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. Brad Simanek is frequently quoted on a varity of humor websites. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by 67.43.77.46 (talk • contribs) 04:41, October 23, 2006  (UTC)
 * Keep. Brad Simanek is indeed all over the Internet. The funny quotes he is known for have been filtered through a neutral editor -- he does not own or operate topfive.com or ruminate.com. Though it's unfortunate he had to start his own page, it's not unwarranted. Andreac 04:51, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep, a case seems to have been made regarding this person's notability. ~ UDScott 12:42, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. While Barnes & Noble lists two books by this person, the publisher of theose books, Oompah-Funk Publishing, doesn't seem to have much of a presence: only 30 results from Google, more than two-thirds of which are because of the copyright notice on this person's site. Amazon doesn't have anything else done by this publisher, nor does it have any record of this person as an author, or of the ISBN numbers of the books. I don't know that being interviewed on a single radio show is evidence of larger notability, and there's not that much of an "Internet following" (which isn't all that large; I don't believe that I have any notability, and yet I have an order of magnitude more Google results for my name). —LrdChaos (talk) 14:34, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: The books have been sold out currently, but here are the ISBNs: 0-9729429-2-0 and 0-9729429-3-9. Again, these citations were meant to burnish the credibility that this is not a "vanity site" but rather a notice that these quotations are original, copyrighted and in mass circulation. Bsimanek 15:32, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Amazon is usually very good about listing even books that are "sold out"; it'll show the book and tell you that it's sold out. It isn't doing that, which is strong evidence that Amazon has no record at all of the books; considering the sheer number of items that Amazon has in its database, inclusion there does not imply notability, but absence almost certainly implies non-notability. I'm not doubting that the books really exist; the B&N information indicates to me that yes, a book by that title, by that author, with that ISBN, has indeed been published. However, I haven't seen any evidence that it was published by a major (or even minor) publisher; as I said above, I can't seem to find any trace of "Oompah-Funk Publishing" on the Internet. A large portion of the Google results for the name are just the copyright notices on your sites; the remaining ones are from manta.com (which apparently offers company profiles), but none of the pages are actually about the company ("These terms only appear in links pointing to this page: oompah funk publishing"). As such, it's likely that the book is either self-published or published from such a minor, minor company as to not count as evidence of notability. —LrdChaos (talk) 15:37, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep, Brad is a well known contributor to Ruminations.com and other humor sites and is frequently quoted in email signatures by folks who like his humor. Tommyaquinas 16:26, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. As a fan of Brad Simanek's work, I feel this page is warranted (as well as being an entertaining read). --LHollister 18:01, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: Regarding the "Attention!" notice: I expect nothing but fair and impartial treatment from the Wikiquote editors; I understand that the voting/final inclusion determination process is not democratic and is based on reasoned, well-founded criteria. I expect that the posts herein are coming from readers familiar with my work, and are posting solely because they feel that my inclusion is merited. I hope, too, that it will enable those unfamiliar with my work to make a fair determination acknowledging the pulse taken of those who are. Thank you for your consideration. Bsimanek 18:36, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: For what it's worth, since the "Attention!" notice appears to have been added following my vote, I am neither a sock puppet nor a personal friend of Brad's. I am an online colleague, and I did come here because he sent an email calling my attention to the page; however, I would not have voted unless I felt that the page deserved to be kept.  I can understand that my opinion will receive less weight than that of a frequent editor, but I trust that it won't be discounted entirely.  If requested, I'll be happy to offer proof that I exist! --LHollister 20:45, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 * It wasn't anything about you in particular that drove me to add the notice to this vote; you were just the "final straw" of new editors with no contribution history who had voted in this discussion. Please don't take it personally. —LrdChaos (talk) 13:27, 26 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: There's a page for Jack_Handey -- Simanek's stuff is in the same vein. It's not from a national TV show, true, but Topfive.com claims its emails go out to tens of thousands of people. Andreac 21:25, 23 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Reluctant delete. First of all, let me say that this crowd of quotee supporters is remarkably polite, cooperative, and apparently is trying to understand and work with Wikiquote policy. This is a delightful change of pace from the usual set of folks who edit only to support an article. I thank everyone for working with us instead of just complaining and insulting the other participants. (For those who are still making arguments based on "quality" or analogies to other comedians, please note that these are not the issues in question here.) That said, I still think Brad Simanek seems to fall somewhat short of our notability guidelines, interesting though he may be. He has no current, and apparently no former, WP article. (This is not especially surprising, as he seems to be more interested in established documentation of his quotes than in an encyclopedia article, but it's one element of useful [but not essential] notability checking that we don't have.) More significantly, neither Amazon.com nor the U.S. Library of Congress has a single entry for Simanek, whose website strongly implies he's an American, so his books can't be particularly notable yet. (Even vanity press materials frequently get listed on Amazon.) The links he lists also fail to provide compelling evidence of notability. The humor.about.com link above ("neutral sources") doesn't currently mention him . [See my correction below. — JQ] The David Lawrence Show (the link behind "radio programs"), an Internet-based audio program featured on satellite radio (2 networks with a lot of 24x7 channels to program) do suggest he's at least an up-and-comer. TopFive.com and Ruminations (ruminate.com), with Alexa ranks of 157K and 895K, fail as convincing indicators of notability. In fact, according to WP's article on TopFive.com and the Ruminations home page, both are operated by Chris White, meaning they aren't independent sources. So far, we have no appearances on a national TV show like Letterman or Leno, no newspaper articles or even reviews, nothing beyond easily created websites and evolving media forms. All in all, he seems a promising candidate for future inclusion, but just doesn't seem to be there yet. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 03:15, 25 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: JeffQ: FWIW, please note on the humor.com site, I am indeed referenced as the first example quote: [What We've Got Here: A few excerpts... Can't a guy sit in silence and...]. My work is cited on numerous discussion groups, sigs, and the like, and regularly incorporated in Mr. White's weekday internet newsletter ("ruminations") which, as Andreac mentioned above, is thought to reach a mass upwards of 10K people each mailing. Furthermore, I would argue that TopFive and Ruminations may not be independent of *each other*, but certainly independent from me, and each listed because of their "reach" through different forms of humor. My Google hits, beyond the obvious deep candidates, do have some breadth, at least in their varied reach ... moreso than some random slog who says one funny thing recycled by a few bloggers. In fact, I've had over one thousand quotes published third-party [external of my personal website], and the WQ page specifically listed just the ones that have had the most reach/broadcast exposure -- and I started the root site merely to make a more robust case for its existence rather than have someone randomly post one or two quotes and the site get deleted out of hand. The Jack Handey argument suggests that a person may be known just for his/her body of such similar humor -- though one suspects my inability to get my work on Saturday Night Live is a hindrance, as it may well be using 1990s standards of "exposure." Am I to also assume that one needs to penetrate the Wikipedia universe first as a mandatory hurdle to get onto Wikiquote? My intent was to formally gather in one place the quotes that have been released to the great Internet Wild, not merely to use it as a fun "Hey, Brad said this today!" page for original material, as I have my own website for that. All things considered, if I am deemed to "fall short" of the required level of notoriety by the consensus of determining editors, I at least appreciate the appropraite consideration. Bsimanek 10:30, 25 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Two quick notes in response to the above. First, I apologize for missing Brad's humor.about.com quote; my browser search for his name must have misfired. Second, on Wikipedia inclusion, please note that I carefully said "one element of useful [but not essential] notability checking". I meant exactly that — that it is not required, but is handy to see if someone has achieved notability on the flagship Wikimedia project, which has a couple orders of magnitude more folks to do such checks. Absence is not a good sign, but not a fatal one, either. I also made a point of acknowledging Brad's ostensible goal of collecting his quotes, which provides a reason for the WP absence. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 16:45, 25 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Vote extended until 6 November to seek further consensus (the split seems rather even right). I hope that some of the other "regulars" will chime in with their thoughts. —LrdChaos (talk) 03:28, 31 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Comment: If I may, allow me one last (?) opprtunity to argue (my) case for the retention of this page. As established, I note:

CONS: page started/assembled by the author himself; no WP article; no pre-existing familiarity among WP/WQ editors PROS: original/copyrighted material presented in clean formal layout; focuses on the quotes themselves; no heavy presence of biographical or personal information; similar such pages for, among others, Jack Handey and Mitch Hedberg

-- While it is indeed a "collection of [my] personal quotes," I would argue that their presentation is based solely on the fact that they are previously published in subscriber-driven newsletters and associated websites and have been promulgated on the Internet via third-parties. It just happens that the WQ page was assembled by the original author as a by-product of this result.

-- While I do have books of my work published, the WQ entry was not intended to sell them, nor does it actively promote them. Reference herein to the books is meant merely to sustain a level of penetration (perhaps not to the extent of other subjects, but certainly beyond the random quotesmith.)

-- While the "subject" of this page doesn't have the name-recognition/presence as even the two examples cited above, I ask simply: Is this entry useful? unbiased? a compendium of quotations? I'd argue the answer is yes to all of the above.

I've already attempted to establish "neutral credentials," but for the editors who have weighed in against retention: Is there anything one/I could do to enhance/improve the article so it meets your litmus tests for inclusion?

Again, thank you for consideration. Bsimanek 14:42, 31 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Brad, I think a point you're missing is that it doesn't matter how well-formed a page is; the notability guidelines make no distinction between an "ugly mass of text" page and a page that's perfectly adherent to layout guidelines. Wikiquote's guideline for notability basically follows w:Wikipedia:Notability (people), though rarely are we presented with a case that isn't easily resolved. In this case, you've acknowledged that these are your "personal quotes" (a behavior which is almost always frowned-upon here) but you've asserted that you are notable. I've refuted some of the point that have been made (in particular, the point about having several published books), and Jeff raised some other points. I haven't seen any real rebuttal to any of the points that we've made (I've made another comment about the books above). Rather than trying to focus on doing any work on the page itself, it would probably be better to rebut some of the points here, to convince those of us who have voted to delete why we're wrong. —LrdChaos (talk) 15:37, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * That's fair: While I have provided valid/registered ISBN numbers above (registered with BowkerLink), as you can see the books are currently not for sale through Amazon and are no longer available through Barnes and Noble. I have been selling them via my own website for the last year. I haven't been on Comedy Central or Saturday Night Live, because my "realm of exposure" just doesn't include these mediums. My "notoriety" -- if I even reach that level by one's potentially fluid definition -- is constrained specifically to this millieu: Internet circulation, primarily fostered through publication via Chris White's website and his weekday subscriber driven newsletters. As Andreac cited above, this is purported to reach (tens of?) thousands of readers daily (a level of saturation, I would note again as I did above, such that I am specifically cited as an example of such humor on the About.com site).  Now, does that reach the level of those names I cited above? Likely not, but I don't know if either of those names I cited above sustain the scrutiny exhibited by "Widely recognized entertainment personalities and opinion makers (ie - Hollywood Walk of Fame)" either. However, short of having someone start the "Super-Fantastic Wacky Brad Simanek Fan Page o' Fun!!," I would hope the comments of some of the "keep" votes above might suggest  I exhibit "a ... fan base, fan listing or cult following" -- if not large, perhaps of a notable size. As for the "alternative tests" cited I would argue that I meet that of "verifiability," "expandability" and even "search engine" (while I may not have a gazillion hits, I do have hits from a decent/varied number of independent sites, only two of which currently are populated by WP-saturated hits -- that is, I did not create-my-own notoriety as was suggested by some self-searches above). I suppose the consensus would argue that by typical "notability" standards, I fall short... however, I offer that within the realm of this specific entry and its related topic, perhaps I am "worthy" ... that's my point. That said, I note that I am actively working on getting the "porn star" notability as suggested by your page  -- but have so far been rebuffed. Bsimanek 17:00, 31 October 2006 (UTC)

 * Comment: At the risk of sounding argumentative, I want to point out the obvious irony here. If I visit the Library of Congress, where can I find the well-worn leather-bound volumes of Wikiquote?  Or at my local university library, perhaps?  City library?  Neighborhood bookstore?  Of course, the relevance of Wikiquote and Wikipedia shouldn't be measured in traditional ways, because this is a creature of the new media of the internet.  So why be in such a hurry to dismiss an internet-based author as unnotable?  Clearly you need to remove junk, but it seems to me that Simanek's work is demonstrably good, widely disseminated on the web, published, and deserves the benefit of the doubt. --LHollister 18:23, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * No, you won't find Wikiquote in the Library of Congress. You will find it as a website currently ranked 7,467 by Alexa, making it a very popular and well-established website. Wikipedia itself is currently at 23. But it's circular reasoning to claim existence in Wikimedia projects as a proof of notability for inclusion in Wikimedia projects. The bit about Brad Simanek having no WP article is evidence (not proof) of non-notability, but the reverse cannot be assumed. If there is an article in a Wikimedia project, the next step is to see if it is warranted by the reliable sources that back it up. The LoC, Amazon.com, and other physical sources are useful in determining this, but they aren't exclusive. We often accept websites as significant. In this case, the websites are all rather obscure, and the other sources strongly suggest that Brad has yet to achieve significant notoriety. If his guerilla marketing campaign works, and better-known organs of publicity catch the wave, he may get another chance at an article (that is, assuming we delete it now, which hasn't been decided). By the way, as I mentioned in another VfD (I forgot which, offhand), I'm not inherently against editors creating their own quote pages if they have proven notability, because we don't generally have as much of a problem with POV as Wikipedia does. We want quotes, exactly as worded in reliable sources, and anyone (including the quotee) is capable of providing this kind of verbatim data without spinning it. Caution, of course, is always recommended. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 20:08, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Reluctant and weak delete. I accept the good faith of everyone involved but I think the subject falls just, but clearly, on the wrong side of the notability threshold. Factors in the decision: Published author but only self-published; 61 unique Google hits; only 17,670 website hits when I checked; No Wikipedia page, nor for ruminate.com; there is a Wikipedia page for topfive.com, but contributions there were not so extensive as to make him one of the most prolific contributors. I also thought the quoting was so extensive as to denigrate from the usefulness of the page: with subjects of doubted noteworthiness, I want to see quotations of particular noteworthiness, and if there are so many quotes it tends to suggest that none really are. I don't think it's impossible that the subject could become more noteworthy after a time, in which case the page can be recreated. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 20:57, 31 October 2006 (UTC)
 * With due respect to Fys, I note that this is where a simple Google search isn't as useful as it might seem, in order for one to make a blanket distinction, re: TopFive. I doubt I would have been singled out here had I not been "prolific"; I've been in a contributory capacity with T5 for over four years, appeared in over 60% of the nearly 800 lists published over that span, and have achieved 40 #1 positions also in that span, making me one of the six most prolific contributors in the 12-year history of the website. I hate to have to horn-toot in this manner, but I take umbrage to your casual dismissal of my contributions to this media. Furthermore, it is a completely separate capacity that I have been published in the manner for which I am "most well known," that of the ruminations website, and while each separate outlet has shared subscribers, they are two separate humor sources requiring distinct contribution requirements (and, I'd argue, skill sets... if blowing off real office work for this escape can be deemed such). Bsimanek 13:42, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: Two things that I think we've lost sight of in this discussion.
 * Brad is welcome to continue to contribute to Wikiquote, and he can always put quotations from his published work (or even from his unpublished work, for that matter) on his user page in that case.
 * We are in an unusual situation here of the copyright owner putting his own works on Wikiquote. This permanently and (at least according to some interpretations) irrevocably licenses these works under the GFDL.  Brad, is that really what you intended to do? 121a0012 03:04, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * My intent was simply to gather quotes of mine (ones I originated and submitted to a third-party to be published in a public forum with my name attributed) that appeared throughout the Internet over the last four years and present them in a public/readily accessible place so authorship is verifiable. Specifically I cite the "severe terror alert" quote, which I note has been "borrowed," occasionally verbatim, without attribution to me ... and there have been others. Fys makes a good point about there being "so extensive as to denigrate," but I used the criteria that these particular quotes all shared the same original presentation: that of Chris White's highest profile distribution, one that was sent to both his newsletters' subscribership, reaching upwards of 20K people on a given day (according to him). I've had nearly one thousand other such quotes published and distributed through his newsletters, but they were to a smaller readership in original presentation (under 1K originally), but then things tend to ripple through FWDs and the like.
 * I should further clarify that which perhaps not been fully understood in this discussion: 1) all these quotes are indeed mine, and 2) have all been published by external/third-party sources (i.e., not first by my own website) and distributed with authorship to Internet receivers before now -- they are not new to the world via WQ. Therefore, they are under my copyright and have already been as such designated, not due to their presenation through WQ. All I intended with this page was to establish authorship of quotes that have allready been attributed to me in order such that further distribution without citations to me can be verified in an easily accessible (i.e., more so that me shouting in the wilderness that I have a spreadhseet tracking original publication date/detail) place. I have been ripped off before -- therefore rather than try to Google-search every freakin' quotation of mine published-and-distrubted to make sure attribution is rightly assigned, I thought this might be easier, friendlier and more neutral. Bsimanek 14:42, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * I do presume, however, (regarding the GDFL comment) that -- as with my original publication through Chris White's newsletters -- copyright/authorship is retained by me; distribution to the masses is fine as long as authorship remains attributed to me. This seemed obvious, as I would expect that with any other quote presented here: it's the work of the author, and while as distributable as most anything on the Internet, the author has to be attributed and does not forfeit ultimate ownership.
 * I also figured that perhaps I had earned enough of a reputation in this realm that a single, widely accessible page in this particular reference guide would be useful. Setting it up myself came about because 1) I wanted to be the one to specify the template from which the quotes might be presented (you'll note the haphazard way some of the existing pages of others emerge), 2) I wanted there to be more than a stub, and I had access to all the quotes of that particular distribution category (as noted above). I figured why not put out a page that's actually worth reading if someone gets there? I do realize, however, this is a reference guide and not a personal quotes page, which is why I wasn't planning on constantly editing it as such once the root was in place.
 * That said, I doubt I can convince any of you (even the "reluctant" editors) to change your votes, as your threshold for inclusion seems to be higher now than I can currently meet. I do appreciate the civil discourse and your willingness to let me (and others) attempt to shift the prism from which you view this project to seeing the merit of this unique (at least for now, perhaps not in the future) situation. I'm not trying to get into Bartlett's (yet), but was hoping that WQ was an appropriate destination in this medium for which I could plant a foothold of established authorship -- as we all know that the Internet has wreaked havoc on the once rock-solid paradigms of copyright vs. public domain/plagiarism. Thank you all, nonetheless, for your consideration. Bsimanek 11:16, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Comment: Whatever happens with this VfD, I'm certainly tagging this discussion for my watchlist. Besides this new instance of the ongoing challenge of drawing a notability line, the licensing issue is unusual. Wikiquote credits the creation of this article to User:Bsimanek, but we have no mechanism to prove this user is Brad Simanek. (Many editors choose names of people they're fans of.) We're in the odd situation of suspecting (but not knowing) that the copyright holder of the books (that we can't easily check, because they aren't likely to be found in any library) is unlikely to sue Wikimedia Foundation for infringement because "Bsimanek" implicitly (in the article) and explicitly (in this discussion) accepts the free-distribution-with-credit licensing of GFDL. Our David Weber article is the closest approximation I've seen for this. He is unquestionably a notable author, and both his books (available at any public library) and the Baen Publishing website make explicit statements about freely distributing the material. (Weber doesn't edit here, as far as I know.) Even so, we wouldn't include everything he writes, nor can we include everything Brad Simanek has published (in whatever form), as Wikiquote aims for selective citations (however poorly we achieve this in some cases). Except for the notability and self-editing aspects, Wikisource might accept a complete transcription of a quote book from Brad, which could establish Brad's documentation desire, but I'm not sure about its policies. Just thinking about all the questions flashes me back to Monty Python's Gumby sketches: "My brain hurts! My brain hurts!" ~ Jeff Q (talk) 17:03, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * Well, how do you "source" any of the stuff on Mitch Hedberg's quote site, for example? Do you have any documentation on whether he did, in fact, originate all of that material? Getting bogged down in the "published author" POV doesn't cut even to the half of it -- all the Steven Wright stuff? Does Jack Handey have a book, or is someone just remembering what they think they heard on an old SNL episode? What about from *any* comedian? Unless one has tape of the said person using that material, how is *anything* along those lines verifiable? In my case, yes, you'd have to go to a website to see that said quote matched my name, but even then you're relying on the fact that whoever submitted *that* quote to *that* site was the originator ... and even Ruminate.com has had trouble with plagiarism/second-hand quotes. However, I doubt my circumstance is unique here... you're always trusting, in the WQ/WP universe, that people are submitting (reasonably) accurately-sourced material -- but do you have someone who polices *every* site change? *Every* edit? I think that's just the nature of what WQ/WP is. Your argument may be centered around my case, but the merits apply to many cases, and not just those "yet to come," but existing ones. I would hope this conundrum wouldn't be used to "pile on" just because I happened to start the Brad Simanek page. Bsimanek 18:03, 1 November 2006 (UTC)
 * We need to remember here that there are two different standards being considered, and it's important not to conflate them. One is the standard of verifiability for quotations; as with Wikipedia, our policy is that all material should be verifiable, but absent a controversy, unverified text may remain in the hope that other editors can complete the work.  The second standard is that of notability, where we are much more strict in some ways (particularly for people articles) and arguably less strict in some others.  There is no bar to a notable person putting excerpts of his/her own work on WQ, although there is little if any history of it, and our umbrella organization, Wikimedia, cannot permit its servers to be used in a way that primarily serves the commercial interest of the author (which doesn't seem to be the case here).  The case we're really trying to decide here is, "Is Brad Simanek notable?"  Based on the discussion we have had thus far, I must with some reluctance conclude "no" -- but I would not be unhappy if the community consensus decided the other way.  I have no dog in this race.  121a0012 02:39, 2 November 2006 (UTC)
 * And I think that last point is where things stand. I sense that by the threshold being considered for notability in relation to my resume (self-published books, one web-based radio interview, "few" Google hits, absense of pre-existing presense in the collective conscience of specifically the WP honcho editors), the writing's on the wall. I think I and others did our best to convince the crew otherwise in light of the fluidity inherent in the Internet medium, but I don't get the sense we've made any headway in swaying the minds of the deciders beyond moving the needle to, at best, "delete-with-reluctance" (at least for the opinions voiced already). No big deal I guess; we gave it a shot. Thanks for at least opening the debate. Bsimanek 02:56, 2 November 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
User talk:69.114.222.209

Wikiquote exists for the collecting of notable quotations of famous people and famous works. When people are not interested in responsibly contributing to the development of the project incidents of their deliberate vandalism can result in IP addresses being blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 16:22, 6 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:69.114.222.209


text:
User:Bsimanek

Brad Simanek (born September 18, 1970), internet humor writer/comedian, “Hall of Fame” contributor to long-running humor site TopFive.com. A writer in the style of Jack Handey, he has had hundreds of ruminations published online, and has self-published two collections of his work. He operates a regularly updated website featuring his quotations.

Published Quotations
The following are original quotations published via external/third-party sources and thus copyright-protected; reprinting is permissible as long as proper citation of the author/originator is given.

2002

 * If mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy, then Brad-hiding-with-a-shotgun-near-his-oat-and-ivy-garden will soon be eating some mighty fine jerky, boyeee!
 * As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives... and it was then I realized that I was booked on a flight to St. Ives, *Utah*. Damn you, cheapasstickets.com!
 * Because the vice president is in charge of all the cool things like gambling, booze, hookers and weed, I bet he has some pretty rockin' cabinet meetings -- especially when the Secretary of Big Boobs attends.
 * If instead of an atom bomb, we dropped an ATM bomb on our enemies, we could effectively distract them with convenient curbside banking services and easily round them up. With our luck, though, the jerk near the front would forget his PIN and everyone would get angry, and we'd be right back where we started.
 * After years of dealing with that smug dental assistant nagging me to take better care of my teeth, I'm finally going to have the last laugh: How do you floss between one tooth, Ms. Hygiene Queen? Answer me that!

2003

 * I was a bit taken aback the other night after sex when my wife told me I had "shivered her timbers" when I "discovered the booty." That must have happened when I touched her pirate parts.
 * If life were really like a box of chocolates, I'd be one zit-faced, tub-of-lard loner, 'cause, boy, do I like chocolate!
 * I woke up this morning and decided that today would be the day I search for my birth mother. When I made it downstairs, there she was, making my breakfast as usual. And smiley-face pancakes, no less. When it rains, it pours!
 * If you ever get into a jam where you need a hero, don't make the mistake of calling for Super-Ficial Man. All he did was tell me I wasn't worth saving because I had thinning hair and bad teeth. He did tell my wife she had nice knockers, though.
 * In my will, I've stated that I want my coffin to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would appreciate it if someone had thought of that.
 * I was well on my way toward fame and fortune until those tight-asses at the Guinness Book stomped on my dream. Now what am I supposed to do with this enema bag and all these jars of marshmallow topping?
 * Given the likely reaction to an increase in terror-alert level to "severe threat imminent," wouldn't a more appropriate alert color be brown?
 * Since beef is "What's for Dinner" and pork is the "Other White Meat," I think the poultry industry should trademark "Chicken: What Everything Exotic or Visually Off-Putting Ultimately Tastes Like -- Only Cheaper!"
 * In a show of American resolve, I've decided not to purchase anything even remotely affiliated with the French, including French's mustard. I'll still buy Grey Poupon though, but only because I always laugh when I say the name.
 * I was taken aback when the waitress brought me a plate of tobacco leaves covered in whiskey, but I guess at a sports bar, I should have known better than to order the Ty Cobb salad.
 * Ordering the "Herb-basted chicken" seemed like a good idea -- until I saw a sweaty shirtless man in the back rubbing chicken breasts across his torso.
 * I figure older people get up so early in the morning because they can't wait to see if they're still alive. That, and to have more time to find where the dog has hidden their teeth.
 * My wife always makes a federal case out of everything, but that's likely because my screw-ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.
 * If you ever have to flee police via car, try to start in the Rhode Island area, because nothing embellishes a clip on America's Wildest Auto Chases like the term "multi-state."
 * After developing a healthy orange glow, an interest in Olivia Newton-John and an increased desire to roller-skate, I realized that either these Xanax tablets are counterfeit or my doctor needs to work on his penmanship skills.
 * Boy, is my wife going to be surprised! She always wanted to repaint the kitchen in a nice olive color, so while she's away on business, I'm going to get busy with these fresh new rollers and gallons of black paint.
 * I find it ironic that when I went to confession to seek forgiveness for my vodka-drinking problem, the priest offered me Absolution.
 * As we entered the fourth hour of being trapped in the stuck elevator, I began to worry that the stale air supply was taking its toll. I mean, there are only so many replays of "Even the Nights Are Better" and "I'm All Out of Love" a man can take.
 * One way to keep up the spirits of a dwindling number of survivors stranded with no food on a freezing mountaintop is to throw a pretend Mountaintop Ball -- especially if you kick off the gala with finger sandwiches.
 * World's toughest job? How about being the guy who has to put the whoop-ass into the can?
 * Rather than responding to my note asking, "Can Brad have a raise? Yes [ ] No [ ]," my boss just flat-out fired me. All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten my ASS!
 * I figure my farting in my office is my business; if someone happens to walk in, it's at their own risk. My aromatherapy patients, however, seem to hold a different opinion.
 * One crotch-kick later, I realized that asking the call girl if she had a layaway plan sounded funnier in my head.
 * I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these two holders for my Pringles and my bong. If only they had thought to make it so I could bring along a beverage, too.
 * Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer episodes of The Andy Griffith Show before or after George Lindsey joined the cast, but most of the ones I ask don't want to get into that Goobernatorial debate.
 * As the screaming woman in front of me lunged through the small opening in the Plexiglas, trying to claw the eyes out of the server who she claimed skimped on her sprinkles, I began to regret having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.
 * I would think that when God needs a break from the pressure of running of the universe, He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
 * My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have been great, patiently showing me the ropes without any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say, though, that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon, because my pillow is starting to smell awful.
 * I think my take-no-prisoners attitude is starting to strain my relationship with my superiors in the U.S. Marshal's Office.
 * My dog loves cats. I just wish we could find a canine toothpaste that gets that icky cat-stench off his breath.
 * I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets me apart from those other brown-nosing climbers in my department. For example, during my last performance review, I not only informed my supervisor that his wife was a two-timing schemer, but I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.
 * I've been getting my ass kicked in our local rec league so much lately, I think I've developed athlete's butt.
 * Some see the glass as half empty, while others see it as half full. I'd just like to know who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.
 * I'm still not good when it comes to reading my wife's signals. Sure the teddy, candles and mood music suggested a little romance, but I'd swear the bright red lipstick shouted, "Stop! You must make a sandwich and watch SportsCenter first."
 * I bet one of the worst things about being Jeffrey Dahmer would be determining whether your mix tape should kick off with a scorcher like "Hot Legs" or seduce the listener with the more subtle "Bette Davis Eyes."

2004

 * I think the key to my homemade "olde-tyme" peanut butter cookies is the great care I put into crunching up real peanuts into a smooth consistency. Either that or the added saliva.
 * If I had to choose between the '80s classics Beat Street or Breakin'  for a prestigious award, I'd probably have to go with the latter, since its sequel introduced the mind-shattering concept of marrying *electricity* with the boogaloo.
 * For six months I've been on this Atkins meat-based diet, and although I’m losing weight, it’s becoming difficult to stick with. Before too long, I’ll have to move on to another town to find more Atkinses.
 * Those old losers can moan all they want about "race for fun" and "unfair advantage," but they could have trained just as hard as I did. Besides, they're they ones who are used to using walkers all the time.
 * Word to the Wise: If you leave your day planner out where your wife might see it, be sure not to denote your reminder to arrange a Valentine's Day getaway in Maryland with "Call MD re: VD".
 * To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love) The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show -- though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines took noticeably less care with my boxes.
 * You'd think with me assuming the weighty responsibility associated with sitting in an emergency exit row, the flight attendant would've given me my fifth beer free.
 * To me, a black hole looks a lot like a cosmic toilet bowl vortex, spirally sucking down everything in its wake. I can't help but think somewhere there's a related celestial sewer where all this stuff goes, likely patrolled by your typical nuclear-waste-mutated alligator and evil snaggletoothed, child-eating clown. This, my friends, is why I could never be an astronaut.
 * My wife wasn't too thrilled to open her Bible and discover penciled-in Commandment 7a: "(However, when thou art traveling on business, thou shalt heed the sage advice of My musical apostle, Stephen Stills.)"
 * Can't a guy sit in silence and enjoy his lunch without someone shoving a basket in his face asking for money? Man, I hate this church.
 * Most people don't appreciate the morbid sense of humor that led me to name my dog Splat, but then again they likely never tried training a world-champion rooftop Frisbee-catching champion, either.
 * I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse -- that I decided to mess up his remaining schedule by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!
 * People may not appreciate my non-stop swearing and farting, but I'm not going to give up on this South Park Diet until I start seeing some results!
 * The problem I have when swinging by McDahmer's for breakfast is that the Leg McMuffin is too sinewy, yet the Sausage McMiddles make me feel all puffy and bloated.
 * It drives the other guys at work crazy when they see a steady stream of women gravitating toward my office. Can I help it they're not clever enough to think of ditching the deodorant and instead rely on an armpit-tucked Hershey bar?
 * After I gave him his pills and he drifted off to sleep, I stroked Dad's hair and recalled how he always said that, when faced with adversity, blood was stronger than money. I hope that's true, because all I need are a few more clandestinely-drained pints for the black market and I've got myself a new guitar!
 * After excitedly explaining to my wife how I planned to rid our yard of every last hedge, bush and tree, she pointed out that particular item on her honey-do list didn't actually say "landscraping." Well, excuuuuuuse ME, Ms. Picky!
 * Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book. Don't know much about the French I took… boy, Mom and Dad sure are going to be torqued off when they get that tuition bill.
 * I cried because I had no shoes, until I realized it was all just a dream and that I had plenty of shoes in my closet. It was the fact that my wife was banging a traveling shoes salesman that I was really crying about.
 * I had quite a difficult time choosing, because the look I was going for was something sorta hip-hop-preppy-goth-slacker-hippie-grunge. My bride and her family, on the other hand, wished I had just worn a regular tux.
 * I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend took a job moonlighting at the local deli. Sure we can use the extra money she brings in, but the place is such a meat market.
 * Even though I moved away years ago, I never forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity or her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.
 * I like to think of myself as somewhat adventurous and entertaining, but I'm pretty sure Kim Basinger would've high-tailed it from my love nest after only three-and-a-half days or so -- and then just because I've been too lazy about getting the latch on the basement door fixed.
 * "I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!" Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.
 * If I had known that the "surreal moment of baptismal transcendence" would involve being pelted with deformed clocks and spat on, I likely wouldn't have made this trip to see the Dali Llama.
 * One, two, buckle my shoe. Three, four, shut the door. Five, six, pick up sticks. Seven, eight, friggin' OCD housemate.
 * It was one thing when the diner started serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast, I think things have gotten out of hand.
 * I'm all for increased airport security, and I'm sure there are reasons for each of the recently added measures. Still, I've got no clue what that German Shepherd was supposedly detecting by bouncing up and down while grappling my leg.
 * I think the most humiliating part about being sent off to fat camp as a kid was being reduced to sitting around the fire roasting s'lesses.
 * Hearing my sister's kid call me "Uncle" gives me an uplifting rush that nudges me ever-closer to responsible adulthood -- especially when I have him pinned to the ground with my knee while twisting his arm behind his back.
 * "C" is for "cookie," that's good enough for me. With my 10-year-old son in tears, however, I sense the spelling bee judges must adhere to a higher standard.
 * I don't think it's so much that I'm a bad driver, but rather that I need to move somewhere that's not so damn pro-pedestrian.
 * If ever there were a case for renewing Prohibition, it's that old guy I see pathetically wandering around the ballpark muttering repeatedly, "Beer? Beer?" For crying out loud, the dude has a whole case of the stuff strapped to his chest!
 * In today's corporate environment, it's easy to become lost amid the meshed web of departmental hierarchy and bureaucracy. According to this memo, however, it seems folks are starting to get a little annoyed by my cubicle-to-restroom breadcrumb trail.
 * When my friend told me I missed her birthday, I profusely apologized and told her it's because I forgot there was a September 29th this year. Then I added, "Whew! It's a good thing I'm so fast-thinking or I would have had to buy that annoying, shallow gold-digger a gift or something!"
 * While it may have seemed like a wise business move at the time, I wonder if the guys down at the Good Intentions Quarry regret having posted the winning bid for that paving contract.
 * With the election coming up, I'm going to do everything I can to help my candidate win -- except drive elderly people to the polls, though, because once that teetering-on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets into your upholstery, you can forget about ever getting chicks to put out.
 * For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume that smells like rum-scented vomit. Considering that's what her clothing ends up smelling like after we go out anyway, I figured I'd just save us both some time.
 * If I were to become disillusioned by and leave my job working the guillotine during the French Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts to ask for some kind of severance package.
 * I remember the time Uncle Rick brought back some meat from his deer-hunting and joked that he and his buddies shot Rudolph and took him to the locker for processing. We all had a good laugh over dinner -- but things got mighty quiet later when cousin Rudy never came home.
 * I sense that re-gifting is never much a problem at the family Christmas gatherings held at that Memento dude's house.

2005

 * I loved my old job when I could hide in my cubicle and spend the day farting around. Instead it's just work, work, work here at the baked bean methane-research lab.
 * I'm glad they settled on "honesty" as the best policy, but I would have loved to have been there when they were testing "flatulent evasiveness" or "spontaneous pants-wetting."
 * Before she railed at me for the disgusting sculpture, my sister ought to have realized a confirmed bachelor with limited means would have little reason to believe her toddler's request for a "poo bear" meant anything else.
 * As the customer stormed off, I yelled after her, "Look, Ma'am, my hands are tied!" Well, it looks like I'll probably lose another job for doing my rope tricks during store hours again.
 * I finally discovered the secret to invisibility: Simply drink 12 beers in under two hours, and then, when your urine is transparent, you know you're free to ogle and grope any woman in the bar -- completely undetected! Things get a little foggy after that, but I do know that when you can see your skin again, it's kinda purplish and sore.
 * I guess you can tell the craze has run its course when the bookstores are promoting "Mars and Venus Come To Blows Over Toilet Seat Etiquette."
 * What's new, pussy cat? Why do birds sing so gay? Who let the dogs out? C'mon, folks, this crappy pet store gig is what the parole officer gave me, OKAY?!?
 * My boss' reaction to my four successful body blows with the zucchini was my first clue that our rules for playing squash are vastly different.
 * Seventeen sweltering cheerleaders spent from practice, and only four Bomb Pops left in the cooler. Today, my friend, is the day dropping out of college to drive an ice cream truck finally pays off.
 * All men have their vices. For some, it's dames; for others, booze or flophouse poker. If it had been anything else, I would've thrown this bum to the bricks without batting an eye, but I had never seen a Precious Moments figurine that adorable before.
 * It would be nice if the Grim Reaper gave 24 hours notice before taking us, allowing enough time to say goodbye and fulfill dying wishes so we could depart this world in a dignified manner. I'd then be able to rest in peace knowing that my obituary would read, "Local man found barricaded in basement, suffocated inside world's largest recorded bean burrito."
 * "There's nothing more rewarding than helping people," I began as the young, impressionable children sat gathered for Career Day. "And it's my job to help confused daddies become the square-jawed, off-puttingly masculine-looking mommies they were born to be."
 * I'm tired of the Man always bringin' me down. Then again, it was my choice to subscribe to the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.
 * Great. I finally make it to the top of the wait list for outsider conjugal visits at the women's prison, and all this chick wants to do is differentiate tenses of verbs!
 * This dog translator was a cool idea until I discovered she was barking to anyone who would listen, "Help! I'm trapped in a fetching sweatshop with a closet geriatric-porn addict and a doctor who writes herself Vicodin prescriptions using my name!"
 * Don't bother playing rock-paper-scissors with God, since his omniscience gives him quite an edge. Besides, on the off-chance you sneak one past him, he'll come out throwing "Love, which conquers all." What are you going to do, protest and tell God to quit being cheesy?
 * I imagine the folks at Fox are already gearing up for that day 15 years from now when they'll lure the once-sexy ingénue back into the limelight with "My Big Fat Obnoxious Beyoncé."
 * I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog after what it means to her, but I hate when she asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

2006

 * You'd be surprised at the amount of money and well wishes I received from people supporting my quest to set the world record for the most consecutive days standing outside in the cold while ringing a bell.
 * I'd say two of the worst words you can hear through the bathroom door when you ask if your guest is all right are "fallen" and "mudbutt."
 * You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's Day when you find yourself writing heartfelt sonnets with the same hand you're writing them to.
 * Life is like a box of chocolates. You buy them for someone else, tell yourself she won't miss one -- no, three -- little pieces, then recall that time she slept with your cousin just to piss you off, so you gobble the whole lot of 'em, only to feel icky and barf them all back into the box and leave it on her doorstep with the "Here's a little something to show how I really feel about you" card still attached.
 * I think the show Lost would be a lot more fun for viewers if ABC consistently changed its air date and time slot, and also lied to "TV Guide" about when it was scheduled.
 * There's just something about Noel Coward that makes me think I could totally kick his ass.
 * It only took me a couple of pay periods before I realized I needed to head to the bank immediately after getting my check here at the disappearing ink factory.
 * It was a time for heroes: when boys become men and men become legend -- but only those who can say, "Thank God I got my irritable bowel syndrome under control, just in case something scary happens," because sissy pants-crappers need not apply.
 * The problem with finally grasping how large the universe is and the earth's place in it is that you then realize -- holy crap! -- the sun's right there on our ass!
 * Just as I suspected: After drinking all that bottled water, my tests came back positive for the Evian flu.
 * For God so loved the world, He gave us Velveeta. I mean, will we ever stop finding new uses for this miracle food product? I strongly doubt it!
 * Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is letting me have Thursday Poker Nights and teasingly sustaining my belief that we'll one day have a three-way. Love is giggling coquettishly when I pull the covers up and subject you a Dutch oven. Love is not -- I repeat, not -- punching me vindictively in the nards.
 * There's something disquieting about checking in to my room at the Radisson to find the previous guests had the Sleep Number bed set at 69.
 * If I had lived during the era of the Old West, I would have opened the Y'all Come Back Salon, because a hard day on the trail deserves one of those outposts where you could sit down, kick off your boots and get a pedicure and refreshing cucumber and avocado-butter facial.
 * On the bright side, it appears the Guinness Book doesn't already have an entry for someone twice surviving electrocution via hair dryer use while on a toilet.
 * I'd be much more comfortable just fostering a highway until it can be adopted by a more stable permanent family.
 * I sure wish some young singer named Britney Houston would emerge on the pop scene so we could have bizarre coked-up sassiness in a chubbilicious Cajun package.
 * People generally don't agree with me, so I should have known my acid reflux couldn't handle that Soylent Green soufflé.
 * If I ever release an album, I'm going to title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans will buy anything with that guy's name on it, and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' Can!"
 * My agent said I had a shot at steady income if I just flew out to Hollywood and did this pilot. Man, was she ever right: He recommended me to all his flyboy buddies!
 * Looking back, I think my parents might have tricked me by suggesting I hold on to my investment until there was improvement the tooth futures markets.
 * Just when I think the secret crush I have on my long-time lady friend might finally be requited, she introduces me to acquaintances as "this weaselly little gasbag to my right."
 * Perhaps when toasting my bride at our wedding reception, I shouldn't have mentioned how glad I was to have "weathered my Internet-dating skank-a-thon" long enough to meet her.
 * In hindsight, I suppose I could have thanked the officer for pointing out my broken taillight without offering him a hit off my bong.
 * Drat! I'd almost beaten Whiskers in our game of "Cat Clue" -- while we both had "candlestick" and "study," I had penciled in "Professor Plum" when I should have known the murderer, as always, was Ms. Curiosity.
 * People compliment me on my tan, but what they don't realize is it's actually a tattoo! An expensive, painful, wish-I-had-stopped-at-the-boxers-line tattoo.
 * The toughest thing about earning my online diploma is deciding whether I want it to read "Spanky McWhack" or "Stubby Pudpounder."
 * I believe making other people think you're a famous superstar is half the battle.
 * As I laid in the hospital bed, clinging to the threads of life I had left, I looked over the faces of the many friends and well-wishers who came by, and in that brief moment I realized something very important: There actually is a point at which sour cream goes bad.
 * When I'm in doubt, I always ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" I should have also reminded myself that this isn't Galilee and handing out free fish to everyone would cost me my job at Long John Silver's.
 * A man doesn't realize what evil he's capable of rendering with his bare hands until he reaches day six of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by Muppets.

2007

 * It's encouraging to know the makers of Soylent Green would be forced by today's FDA guidelines to include the phrase "Ingredients: People" in the nutritional disclosure. However, I sense most shoppers would just see "Now with no trans fats!" splashed on the front and drop a few cans in their carts anyway.
 * For years I had this unexplained, burning desire to risk my life in the running of the bulls. I was finally able to get the proper treatment once the doctor diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.
 * Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you'll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
 * It's weird how, after all these years, memories of college lectures on thermal conductivity dynamics came flooding back and finally gelled. I just wish it hadn't taken a dropped mug of Maxwell House in my lap to hammer it home.
 * Of all the senses, smell is the first I'd be willing to ditch. I'd gladly give up "fresh-baked cookies" and "pine needles" to be eternally rid of "gassy cubicle-mate" and "Febreze-impervious apartment sofa."
 * It's never encouraging when you ask your parents to tell you about when you were born and they simply reply, "Mistakes were made...."
 * I'm hoping I can apply for a smelling-nose dog, to compensate for my handicap of not being able to recall where I've stashed my weed.
 * Did those jerks at the blood bank even bother to read my note? I'd sterilized those Mason jars first!
 * My Spidey sense is going crazy today, suggesting I might soon be getting fired. Perhaps it's no coincidence I feel this greater tingling on the days I choose not to wear pants to work.
 * While reaching modern students is tougher now than ever, I suppose I might have crossed some vague ethical boundary by renaming my "Calculus in Geometry" course "Learning to Make Crystal Math."
 * I think the worst part about having both hands torn off in a farming accident would be losing the ability to point to where in the hayfield you think they flew.
 * You would think that, at some point during all my years of research, one of my scientist colleagues might be kind enough to mention there was no need for a cootie vaccine.
 * Those My Little Pony dolls are perfect for little girls, combining their two favorite real-life things: brushing hair and blowing Dad's money on insanely expensive indulgences.
 * When I reminded my anxious wife that the labor nurses said to prepare to spend most of this delivery completely naked, she insisted that directive applied only to her.
 * Experts say the grieving process is different for everyone -- so back off and let me finish peanut-buttering my fish suit!
 * I didn't know what to make of Kentucky Fried Chicken using "Sweet Home Alabama" as their latest commercial theme -- until I saw their new Skynless Chykyn Sandwych.
 * I was elated to hear my wife's name over the radio as having come up with today's "phrase that pays." Only later did I learn the phrase was, "I'll do the entire Morning Zoo Crew for those Enrique Iglesias tickets."
 * The cruel deception of diaper makers is that names like Pampers, Huggies and Luvs in no way prepare you for the horror you find inside.
 * As my wife watched in horror while I perpetrated what had to be the worst diaper change in history of mankind, she swore she'd *never* let me do another one. Woo-hoo! Mission accomplished!
 * No wonder babies get fussy. Have 'you' ever spent the day wearing paper and plastic underwear, periodically soiling yourself? It's hard to get any investment analysis done!
 * I'm not sure whether my wife was irked by my using too much foaming oil when I drew her surprise romantic bath, or that the Bubble Chick I sculpted while waiting for her had a bigger rack than she did.
 * You say, "to-MAY-to"; I say, "If you keep saying that tired f%#king phrase every time we go to a goddamn salad bar, I swear I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"
 * Good friends don't let friends drive drunk. Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.
 * Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. And if it's a rainy Monday, you'd be well advised to keep the small talk to a minimum when you purchase stamps from me.
 * Remember, guys: If your prostitute is over five feet tall, she's probably a member of Munchkinland Vice.
 * I wondered why there were so many postings about solicitation-friendly bathroom stalls -- until I realized I was on LarryCraigslist.
 * I often wish I had a time machine, if for no other reason than to go back to the invention of the automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being the first one to scuff the label to read "Push Butt."

2008

 * Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when the aliens come to take us all away. Most likely we'll be just outside Earth's atmosphere when some stupid douche will start wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.
 * I finally went on an excursion with Celebrity Cruise Lines, and there was a whole lot less drunken hoohah-flashing than I'd hoped for.

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