text:
Galaxy Quest

Galaxy Quest is a 1999 film: a parody of Star Trek and the cult following and conventions it has spawned. The movie is about the washed-up stars of a fictional 1978–1982 television series called Galaxy Quest and an alien race (the Thermians) who, having no concept of fiction, believe it to be a "historical document". The Thermians have modeled every aspect of their society on the series, including building a fully functional replica of the series' ship, the NSEA Protector. The actors subsequently join the crew of the real Protector, with the Thermians under the impression that the actors really are their characters, to try and stop General Sarris, a villain who threatens to destroy the Thermians.
 * Directed by Dean Parisot. Screenplay by David Howard and Robert Gordon.

"Never give up, never surrender!" Taglines

Gwen DeMarco

 * [on the ship's klaxon sounding] I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!
 * [after going through the chompers] Whoever wrote this episode should die!
 * Look, I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, okay?

Alexander Dane

 * [completely deadpan] By Grabthar's Hammer... what a savings.
 * [to Jason, after fighting Gorignak] I see you managed to get your shirt off.
 * By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.

Dialogue

 * Alexander Dane: How did I come to this?
 * Tommy Webber: Not again.
 * Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
 * Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls.
 * Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't. I won't.
 * Gwen DeMarco: Well, Alex, at least you had a part. Okay? You played a character people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit! No one even bothered to ask what I do on the show.
 * Fred Kwan: You had the - wait. Wait, I'll think of it.
 * Gwen DeMarco: I repeated the computer, Fred.

 * Gwen DeMarco: [watching the fans' reaction to Nesmith] You've gotta admit, they really do love him.
 * Tommy Webber: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

 * Jason Nesmith: [Keeping Dane from running away] Come on, old friend!
 * Alexander Dane: Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!

 * Mathesar: The medical quarters are to the left.
 * Tommy Webber: What the hell is going on?
 * Alexander Dane: Jason, what have you gotten us into?
 * Gwen DeMarco: I don't believe this, it's insane.
 * Fred Kwan: Wow, the floors are so clean.

 * Guy Fleegman: [manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the Protector] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin' toward the green thingy.
 * Jason Nesmith: What?
 * Guy Fleegman: [repeating] Red thingy, movin' toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.
 * Sarris: A little present for you, Commander.

 * [Tommy is trying to steer the ship through the Thothian minefield]
 * Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try not to hit every...single...one?!
 * Tommy Webber: Sorry, man, they're driftin' towards us! I think they're magnetic!

 * Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...
 * Jason Nesmith: What about the engines?
 * Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.
 * Gwen DeMarco: Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?
 * Computer: The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.
 * Gwen DeMarco: It's fractured.
 * Jason Nesmith: Can it be repaired?
 * Gwen DeMarco: Computer, can it be repaired?
 * Computer: Damage to beryllium sphere: Irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.
 * Gwen DeMarco: We need another one.
 * Guy Fleegman: Uhh!
 * Alexander Dane: [to Jason] You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!
 * Jason Nesmith: Eh, uh-- [clears throat] Computer, is there, uh, a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
 * Gwen DeMarco: Computer, is there a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
 * Computer: Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.
 * Gwen DeMarco: [to crew] No, we have no extra Beryllium sphere on board.
 * Tommy Webber: You know, that is really getting annoying!
 * Gwen DeMarco: Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's stupid, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?
 * Tommy Webber: Sure, no problem.

 * Gwen DeMarco: Alex, where are you going?
 * Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub!

 * [The actors are flying a shuttle to an alien planet]
 * Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind, I wanna go back.
 * Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?
 * Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
 * Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
 * Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
 * Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.
 * Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
 * Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
 * Guy Fleegman: DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] Mommy! Mommy!
 * Alexander Dane: [wearily] Are we there yet?

 * [The shuttle has landed and Fred is opening the hatch]
 * Guy Fleegman: Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know!
 * Fred Kwan: [calmly sniffs the air and takes a few quick breaths] Seems okay.

 * [All are watching the alien creatures from behind some rocks]
 * Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
 * Fred Kwan: Sure, they're like, three years old.
 * [The others look at Fred]
 * Alexander Dane: Miners. Not minors.
 * Fred Kwan: You lost me.

 * [Jason is being menaced by a huge rock monster]
 * Alexander Dane: Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.
 * Jason Nesmith: "Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!
 * Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!
 * Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
 * Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!
 * Jason Nesmith: It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
 * Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
 * Jason Nesmith: A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!
 * Alexander Dane: Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
 * Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!
 * Alexander Dane: You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!

 * [Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results]

 * Jason Nesmith: What? what was that?
 * Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.
 * Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealin' or somethin'.
 * Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine.
 * Teb: But the animal is inside out.
 * Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out?
 * [the pig-lizard explodes]
 * Teb: And it exploded.
 * Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded? Hello?
 * Gwen DeMarco: [Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator] Hold, please.

 * Fred Kwan: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.
 * Guy Fleegman: Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this, [brandishes an oversized alien gun] I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
 * Fred Kwan: [concerned] That's suicide.
 * Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred, I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
 * Fred Kwan: Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think about that?
 * Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
 * Fred Kwan: Besides, [goofy laugh] I just had this really interesting idea. Yeah, let's go.
 * Guy Fleegman: Are you stoned?

 * [Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
 * Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
 * Jason Nesmith: Gwen, Gwen!
 * Gwen DeMarco: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?
 * Jason Nesmith: Because it's on the television show!
 * Gwen DeMarco: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!

 * Tommy Webber: Whoo!
 * Guy Fleegman: We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?
 * Jason Nesmith: No! Divert all energy to the armor!
 * Sarris: How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
 * Gwen DeMarco: Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.
 * Jason Nesmith: Accelerate to Mark 4!

 * Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
 * Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you somethin', Sarris! It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!
 * Gwen DeMarco: Armor almost gone, Jason!
 * Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!
 * Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!
 * [The Protector is shown to have mines trailing it towards Sarris' ship]
 * Sarris: OH, NO! TURN! TURN!
 * [Sarris quickly does something on a console as the mines slam into his ship and destroy it. The actors cheer]

 * Brandon's Mom: Where are you goin' with those fireworks?
 * Brandon Wheegan: Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole and just, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which you guys know is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
 * Brandon's Mom: Uh, all right. Dinner's at 7:00.
 * [Brandon leaves and his mother turns to his father, who seems distracted after Brandon's odd statement]
 * Brandon's Mom: Well, at least he's outside.

 * [last lines]
 * Voiceover: And now, back again after 18 years, The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

Taglines

 * Never give up, never surrender!
 * The show has been cancelled... but the adventure is just beginning.
 * A comedy of galactic proportions.
 * By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.
 * All systems are functioning Commander.
 * Pedal to the metal, Commander.
 * Are we there yet?

Cast

 * Tim Allen - Jason Nesmith/Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
 * Sigourney Weaver - Gwen DeMarco/Lt. Tawny Madison
 * Alan Rickman - Alexander Dane/Dr. Lazarus
 * Tony Shalhoub - Fred Kwan/Tech Sgt. Chen
 * Daryl Mitchell - Tommy Webber/Lt. Laredo
 * Sam Rockwell - Guy Fleegman
 * Enrico Colantoni - Mathesar
 * Robin Sachs - General Sarris
 * Patrick Breen - Quellek
 * Jed Rees - Teb
 * Sam Lloyd - Neru
 * Rainn Wilson - Lahnk
 * Missi Pyle - Laliari/Jane Doe
 * Justin Long - Brandon Wheeger

title: Galaxy Quest


text:
Talk:Justice

Why does Revenge redirect here? -GregoryWeir 03:56, 28 October 2005 (UTC)

 * I redirect Revenge here. Justice and Revenge are closely related subjects, and there were not enough "revenge" quotes. Feel free to unredirect if you can find something like 10 revenge quotes. Thanks ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 07:21, 28 October 2005 (UTC)

RE: Dolores Ibarruri: It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees

This quote is from Aeschylus' Agamemnon... line 1383... Ibarruri was borrowing it from the Greeks.....

Shouldn't 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' be here?

Zoroastrian mills of the gods?
In researching the origin of “the wheels of justice grind slowly” (which I added in this edit), I found this page:
 * Who said 'The mills of the gods grind slowly but they grind exceedingly small'?

which claims:
 * "The mill of God grinds slow but grinds exceeding(ly) small" is a verbatim quote from the English translation of the Avestan language hymn book of Zoroastrianism. (Hafiz 546)

This is presumably a reference to the (that’s the hymn book), and would be interesting as an early form of this sentiment, but I couldn’t find any support or other references (exact wording presumably influenced by Longfellow), so I’ve placed it on this talk page for reference (rather than on main page). If anyone can determine if this is legit (and if so, add it to the main page), it would be much appreciated!
 * —Nils von Barth (nbarth) (talk) 05:10, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Unsourced

 * Published sources should be provided before moving these back into the article

 * The sad duty of politics is to establish justice in a sinful world.
 * Jimmy Carter

 * Charity begins at home and justice begins next door.
 * Charles Dickens

 * Do not believe that you can possibly escape the reward of your action.
 * Ralph Waldo Emerson

 * The challenge of social justice is to evoke a sense of community that we need to make our nation a better place, just as we make it a safer place.
 * Marian Wright Edelman, reported in Christopher R. Edginton, Peter Chen, Leisure as transformation: Volume 4 (2008), p. 87.

 * A mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.
 * William Faulkner

 * Justice doesn't mean the bad guy goes to jail, it just means that someone pays for the crime
 * Andre, Freedom Writers.

 * Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.
 * Paulo Freire

 * We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique.
 * Benjamin Jowett

 * I look forward confidently to the day when all who work for a living will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions. This will be the day when we bring into full realization the American dream — a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men will not argue that the color of a man's skin determines the content of his character; a dream of a nation where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone, but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of the human personality.
 * Martin Luther King, Jr.

 * If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
 * Lane Kirkland

 * This court is no respecter of wealth or other claims of immunity!
 * Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis

 * Let the workers organize. Let the toilers assemble. Let their crystallized voice proclaim their injustices and demand their privileges. Let all thoughtful citizens sustain them, for the future of Labor is the future of America.
 * John L. Lewis

 * There is a thin line between justice and revenge, though they are not mutually exclusive.
 * Ryan Mclean

 * Nor yet are they to be submitted to the mere men of the law; for these are necessarily trained to endeavor to make wrong appear right, or to involve both in a maze of intricacies, and to legalized injustice.
 * Robert Owen

 * No justice, no peace.
 * Traditional, dating at least to the 1768 imprisonment of.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Talk:Justice


text:
Mr. Show with Bob and David

Mr. Show with Bob and David (1995-1998) was a sketch comedy series, airing on HBO, hosted by former Saturday Night Live writer/comedy actor Bob Odenkirk and stand up comedian/actor David Cross.

The Cry of a Hungry Baby [1.1]

 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): Y'all wear condoms on both your ears, I think it's funny. [Cough and groan]

 * Bob: David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.

 * David: Bob missed his first day of school, and he never really caught up, so he thinks there are only 5 states...and that one of them is named Chim-Cham.

 * Gary, the asshole party-crasher (David): You fuckers are gonna believe it now.

 * Woman leaving convenience store (Jill Talley): Take a picture, it'll last longer, jag-off!

 * Father Mike (Bob): I was born... out of Satan's ass.

 * Father Mike (Bob): When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore.  I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

What to Think [1.2]

 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): Gentlemen, I propose that this arts funding is like a milking machine and unless we shut it down, it's gonna rip our dicks right off!

 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I've got a naked puppet doin' a lewd, lascivious Fandango on the lap of a full-grown man! I got a fella over here, he's churnin' butter.  A lady over here dippin' candles...it's like a pioneer porn shop in here!  Close 'em down, boys!

 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I wish I could be everywhere that people are doin' art, so that I could keep the public from gettin' aroused...or titillated...or otherwise confused by the counterculture.

 * Marshall, the 13th apostle (David): God, lemme ask you something: are you happy settling for omnipotence?

 * Guy in Tech Corp commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (Jay Johnston): Fuckity fuck-fuck!!!

 * Voiceover king (Bob): Mr. Pickle's funtime abortion clinics: we'll bring out the kid in ya!

 * Globo-Chem executive (John Ennis): My great great great grandfather started this company with one single rickety leaky hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People Selling People to People".

 * Pit-Pat (Bob): Take it from me, I love you.

 * Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.

 * Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): Fuck, this little motherfucker's tasty!!

 * Pit-Pat ad agency representative (Bob): Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

 * Kindly farmer in "The Joke: The Musical" (Jack Black): Don't stick your dick in these holes.

We Regret to Inform You [1.3]

 * David: Dear Globochem, someone is trying to kill me!!! Please send me as many free products as possible. Love, David Cross.

 * Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David): Ooh. I gotta take a shit. Hey Todd, hand me that Hustler.

 * Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David): Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend. Always in the way.

 * Honeymooner (Bob): Tri-cycles would be bi-cycles. Who's ever heard of a bi-cycle?

 * Larry Black, the forgetful soul singer (Bob): I need a reminder to look at my reminder!

 * Supermodel Calling Service commercial voice (Bob): Thousands of hot models are waiting to talk to you around the clock!

 * Commercial "viewer" (David): Thousands? Clock?

 * Deranged indie film director (David): Look, its right here in the program: stage protest right before fancy pants.

Who Let You In? [1.4]

 * Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob): Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome… well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo.  Jerry Lewis struggles with it every day.  These people are all very good at what they do… the best ever.  Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking—"brilliant man."  Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the Blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.
 * Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome, while answering phone (Bob): Free horsey rides...I mean doctor's office!

 * Abraham Lincoln (Tom Kenny): Lunacy! How will we ever get it down?

 * Thomas Jefferson (Bob): What a collection of assholes.

 * Benjamin Franklin (David): Gentlemen, who would shit on a flag made out of shit? It would be an empty gesture.

 * Droopy (Bob): No, you can't bring a class of school children here. This is a museum, not a babysitting place.

Now Who Wants Ice Cream? [2.1]

 * Harmon Peterson (Bob): I don't know! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me?  No?  Can I check back with you every two minutes for sixteen days?  Great! Thanks!! Look - when I say there's no new information, that means there's NO NEW INFORMATION!  I'm not trying to hide anything on ya, OK?!

 * Brinks Peterson (David): Trying to get you the news without making a big production out of it.

 * Ernie (Bob): The super pan is not magical. It will burn you.

 * Ernie (Bob): She didn't believe me when I said the pan was super.

 * Ernie (Bob): Oh, Nancy. You cannot fly.  Only British people can fly!  You shouldn't try to fly, and you shouldn't listen to British people!

 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): OK, sir, let's get this straight. Where are you coming from?
 * Mountain Dougie (David): New Freeland.
 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): Where is that?
 * Mountain Dougie (David): Montana.
 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): So you're already a U.S. Citizen.
 * Mountain Dougie (David): No, I told you, I'm from New Freeland.

 * Marijuana smuggler #1 (David): You can't shampoo a shampooer!

 * Marijuana smuggler #2 (John Ennis): Then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain.

 * F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): The guard knew he needed to conserve energy...and had had a large dinner.

 * F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): You said it crime-stick! Those two were a couple of ding-a-lings! ... Now, who wants ice cream? If you want to learn more about how to take back the streets, and how sweet ice cream is, visit any one of my three ice cream-precinct locations.

A Talking Junkie [2.2]

 * David: Perhaps I might have picked something up when I was in London a few whiffens past.

 * Jill Talley: There's no such thing as a talking junkie!

 * David: Bob's in there fuckin' shit up old-school, and I got kicked OUTTA school!

 * Mr. Applesway (Bob): Next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!

 * Great great great grandfather Applesway (Paul F. Tompkins): Look! LOOK!!!  An entire wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex.  If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman!

 * Ty McGinty/Mr. Tink/Great great great grandfather Applesway (David/Tom Kenny/Paul F. Tompkins): Could I get some quarters?

 * Mr. Applesway (Bob): Keep it down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!

 * Pootie T (David): I ain't got no flyin' shoes.

 * Gold tooth in "Rap The Musical" (Bob): Well, I'm an old gold tooth, and I'll tell you the truth. I live in the mouth of my homie.

The Biggest Failure in Broadway History [2.3]

 * Bob: Third motherfuckin' time...

 * Bob: I liked Bananarama...you liked that Bangles shit.

 * Dr. Ken Schwartz of "No Adults Allowed" (Bob): I tell ya, this generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined...at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could dance, and the Nazis had that song "Eight Days a Week".

 * Cafe Sidewalk Sign: Dirty Slackers Stay Out!

 * Nathan, the exotic animal lover (David): Just like I killed Bilbo...and the cockatiel...with a book!

 * Craig/Jeepers Creepers (David/Jack Black): I was on the eighteenth hole!!!

If You're Going to Write a Comedy Scene, You're Going to Have Some Rat Feces in There [2.4]

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Where ideas can hang out - and do whatever!

 * Van Hammersly (Bob): And that's when Lincoln said, "Don't diss my homies".

 * Dad of "gay" son (John Ennis): You gay bastard!!! No gay son of mine isn't not-gay, you better get gay or I'll make you gay!!!

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Work Is Play! Tofutti Break Today!

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Nuh uh, I'm not talking rain clouds on a sunny day.

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Tofutti break!!

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Tofutti...awaits...the greats...that make...mistaaaakes...To-FUTTI time!

 * Posted Sign: Arbeit ist Spiel! (German for "work is play")

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): All these goats are retarded.

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Goats are the only animals with an innate sense of democracy. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

 * Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): He spent a hundred million dollars on a campaign to legalize tomatoes, which I assume worked, because I had a tomato yesterday, and I'm not in jail, am I?

 * Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): Goats are stupid, mean, and hardheaded animals. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

 * Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): When you see the new San Francisco, you'll say "San Fran-tastic!"

 * Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): We are sensitive to the needs of those suffering from homophobia. So in our new San Francisco, we got rid of the dirt, but kept the pansies by creating "Bachelorland".

Operation Hell on Earth [2.5]

 * Older Superstar (Jill Talley): Dick lickers!

 * Sir Isaac Newton (Paul F. Tompkins): My father touched my butthole. This made me thirst for knowledge.

 * Ty Keenan, basketball recruiter (Bob): I'm thinking about of running away from my grandma's house.

 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): So Todd - you know we're considering you for this big promotion, right?
 * Husband in "A Second Wind" (David): Yes sir.
 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): Well, what'd you think of my wife's casserole?
 * Husband in "A Second Wind" (David): Uhh...it was good!
 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): Really? I don't hear you farting.

The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop [2.6]

 * Bob: Charity is when you do something for people while other people are watching.

 * Gary, the blind guy Bob "helps" (David): Bob? BOB?!  I don't spend my day fucking around on a television show.  I have a company to run.

 * Droopy (Bob): Keep the shaaaaaahnge.

 * Movie exec with cat eyes (David): Where's your golden public now? I'll tell you where. They're all laughing. Laughing at you. They're laughing at the big fat asshole.

 * Movie exec boss (John Ennis): We'll sue the pants off of 'em!!!
 * Movie exec (Bob): And then we'll sell them pants!

 * Judge in "Coupon: The Movie" trial (Bob): May I remind you that I am not on trial here ... until next week.

 * "Coupon: The Movie" trial witness (Paul F. Tompkins): It was a baaaaabyyyyyyy!!!

 * "Coupon: The Movie" viewer (David): I saw the shit out of it!

Heaven's Chimney [3.1]

 * David: Terra-da-loo, The Bob. Mr. Show is the true way.

 * The Bob: It's time to eat the poison s'mores...get them while they're poison-ey; that's when they're best.

 * Chuck (Bob): Can't I just make you some sperm? It's really good.

 * Chuck (Bob): Look, I like to masturbate in a closed room while people are waiting for pie to cool.

 * John Oakfellow of the Red Cross (John Ennis): It's been a real soul-shattering experience.

 * Elderly resident of community affected by Devastator (Jay Johnston): I ain't afraid of no rolley coaster!

 * "The Limits of Science" educational film narrator (Bob): All facts start as dreams dreamt by a wizard.

 * Commercial voice (unknown): Sponsored by Smithy's Barrows. Makers of barrows for over 200 harvests.  Now with wheels.

 * Kevin, the slothful child (David): I ... also ... want people to perform ... beastialities for me.

Peanut Butter, Eggs and Dice [3.2]

 * David: I, David Cross ... me, not the character ... am bald.
 * Jill: I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.
 * David: It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.
 * Jill: Then I reject God.

 * The cock ring mascot (Bob)/Engaged guy's buddy (John Ennis): Any cock'll do!

 * Terry Twillstein/Ronnie Dobbs (Bob/David): I am a camera, a camera am I!

 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): Well let's go have us a champagne jam!

 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): It needs some reverb or pedal or sumthin.

 * Bob Lamonta's father (Bob): My shoes hurt!

 * Bob Lamonta (David): I did grow a moustache, but I thought it made me look gay, so whoosh! [indicating its swift removal]

 * Bob Lamonta's father (Bob): I'm strong like the Hulk.

Oh, You Men [3.3]

 * Bob: Hey, who wants a banana?

 * Dingle, the ventriloquism dummy (David): Why don't you suck my eight inches of redwood?

 * Killer B. Killed (Jonathan Fowler Jr.): I don't know, man. These guys got their fuckin' talkin' dolls in here 'n' shit.

 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): What?! I ain't no Professor Pickles!
 * Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, don't mess with the East Coast!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Look, I don't need you defending me, you Howdy-Doody-lookin' motherfucker. I'm outta here!
 * Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, I'm with him!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Man, step off!

 * Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Say, by any chance, are you a murderer?
 * Wife of Mark, the lyncher (Jill Talley): NO!
 * Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Oh, good. Then your children will only be half murderer.

 * Delongpre Dannon's talkshow guest (David): Fake girl, you oughta be able to have your imaginary baby, because the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.

 * Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): It was great. It's crack.  It gets ya real high.

 * Shoe Court Shoe Store interviewer (Paul F. Tompkins): I am a control-freak because I was molested by my parents... Oh, God! What a breakthrough!

 * Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Jay Johnston): Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece... after you just derailed it with your penis?
 * Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): Yes...It was for charity!

 * Criminy Craffft (David): Eatin' an orange? That was like takin' a trip through a citrus mountain.

 * Hallucino-Jenny (Laura Milligan): I can taste colors!

 * Helpful guy in Druggachussetts (John Ennis): And remember, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!

 * Mayor O.D. McCrack (Paul F. Tompkins): As mayor of the altered state of Druggachusettes, I declare this pizza to be...awesome!

 * David: Hey, fancy pants, you weren't in this one.

Flat-Top Tony and the Purple Canoes [3.4]

 * Bob: Later, we'll be having a beauty contest, and the winner will be crowned "Queen Pretty"!!!

 * Mother of missing companion (Brett Paesel): We're praying for our boy. He's a wonderful son. And I'm sure a great companion. We also pray for the two young people.
 * Father of missing companion (Jay Johnston): And, of course, the other companion.

 * Alexis Jung, designer, and constant chum of Nostradamus (David): Buckle the fuck up!

 * Nostradamus (Bob): No fatties.

 * Fran, member of "Indomitable Spirit" (Sarah Silverman): I'm Fran, and I'm a woman.

Please Don't Kill Me [3.5]

 * Reverend Winton Dupree (Bob): I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Satan’s ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would you fuck with Me?!" Now, I’ll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckin' balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin', shit-eatin', cock-suckin', son of a B!" Can I get a fuckin' A?

 * Text on Poster: Being poor sucks!

 * Victor, the dumped landlord (Bob): Is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot get up there.

 * Shamul/Anwar (David/Paul F. Tompkins): I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again! Hey!

 * Dylan, the pretentious hipster (David): Jupiter's Thunder!!! Rock & Roll is the most criminal of garbages...it is a crutch...it is a crutch!  It will never sully my ears!!!

 * Panzic Poojaran (David): Everyday people go into restaurants, and they...they take the condiments, and they take them and put them on the plate and mix it up and put it in their glass and they dare their friends to drink it. They...they think it is funny. RIGHT NOW I WOULD DRINK IT! AND I WOULD THANK THEM FOR IT!

 * Panzic Poojaran (David): If I die ... if I die ... tell my people ... to bury me ... in mashed potatoes!

 * Paul Peters, spokesperson for Dr. X's telethon (unknown): Please don't kill me!

 * Dr. X (Bob): I have blown up Chicago.

Goin' on a Holiday [3.6]

 * David: False teeth speak false truths, Bob!

 * Bob/David: [chanting] Youth ... is truth! I wish "old" rhymed with "lies"!

 * Grandpa Timmy (unknown): And testicular electrocution would be administered to all those who get into monkeyshines!

 * NASA spokesman (David): We have the technology. The time is now. Science can wait no longer. Children are our future. America can, should, must, and will blow up the moon.

 * San Francisco protester (Sarah Silverman): We're spending all this money, millions of dollars, to blow up the moon, when there are so many things here on Earth to blow up ... Mount Everest, the North Pole, et cetera. We're earthlings, let's blow up Earth things!

 * C.S. Lewis, Jr. (Bob): Don't mess around ... with God's America.

 * Fired employee (David): This is BULLSHIT!!!

 * Father of streaker Jimmy Montello (John Ennis): I slave 12 hours a day making pepper, to put clothes on your back, so you can go taking them off?!

Bush Is a Pussy [3.7]

 * Video Image Text: Worthington's Law: More Money = Better Than

 * Carl Espick, editor of Value magazine (David): Did you know that according to Worthington's Law, the opera singer who called himself the "Great" Caruso was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar, the Red Rocker? So, shut up, Caruso!

 * Carl Espick: In 1995, Steve Peters had no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn't worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does. He goes and gives his money to charity! Now he's about as dumb as Einstein! Way to go, Einstein!

 * Successful siamese twin (Bob): No! I worked.  You sat on my ass and did nothing!

 * Science program host (Bob): Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as... 24 stars in the cosmos.

 * Nazi official (David): To say we killed 24 Jews would be an exaggeration.

 * Salini (David): What's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?

 * Kedzie Matthews (Tom Kenny): Watch as Mrs. Vila gets half of This Old House in "This Old Divorce"!

It's a No-Brainer [3.8]

 * Jack Weber (Bob): Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf: hit him in the head with a hammer.

 * Jack Weber (Bob): Just because a child is defiant doesn't mean they want to overthrow the government. Maybe they just want a cookie, a game, some attention...attention that a drunken father cannot provide...I'm sorry, Tim.

A White Man Set Them Free [3.9]

 * Marriage Con & Boat Show seminar host (Jill Talley): Men 'R' Stupid...ta da! Women 'R' Stupider.  We need to get married!  I did it!  Get in line!  Get in line, you dumb bitch!

 * Benjamin Gerard, ice cream purveyor (David): "Rock & Roll Double Chunk". It has chocolate in it, and we figure if people like Rock & Roll music, they'll like this, cause it says "Rock & Roll" on it.

 * "Last Indian" piece narrator (Tom Kenny): I fuckin' saw God, Jack. And I laughed in his fuckin' face!

 * "Hell in a Handbasket" soldier (David): You are a dying asshole.

 * Jon Stewart (as himself): I felt it was time for another Vietnam message.

 * "All American Salute to the Last Indian" co-host (Paul F. Tompkins): The rap group, The Fuck-ups.

The Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost [3.10]

 * Moe Phelps (Bob): All acting is is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.

 * Local World News network anchor (Bob): Later tonight, we'll have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip, where Betty McPhee will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog.

 * Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Do you really think court cases are decided by judges and juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?
 * John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny): Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?
 * Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!

 * Ken Doral, host of the "Pre-taped Call-in Show" (David): If you wanted to talk about pet care, you should have called last week, when our show on racism was airing, but we were taping the pet care show, which is airing now.

 * Moe Phelps (Bob): Pack your bags, gang. We're going up my mom's ass!

Life Is Precious and God and the Bible [4.1]

 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): This is not a playground so leave your lunchboxes at home, as well as your games, and um, jokes, and balls, and riddles.

 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): You come in here with heads filled with soup, when you are done with law school, your brain will be like a steel trap with the bloody foot of law inside it, crying out for its mommy!

 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): By the time this class is over, two of you will be murdered. One of you will commit suicide. One of you will get injured…in the leg. Two of you will quit law school because it’s so hard…and you’ll go off to run an apple butter farm.

 * Pharmacy "customer" (Brian Posehn): I know what you mean...my doctor says I need marijuana to get high.

 * Hitler (David): Get used to it, Hitler.

 * Talk show audience member (Jerry Minor): You need to respect the baby, 'cause life is precious... and God... and the Bible.

 * Talk show host, Todd Linder Flohman (Bob): You stupid, petty, Prince-looking, no-island-remembering motherfucker!

 * Derlin Whittier, talk show guest (David): Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish.

 * Yale Hadderity, investigative reporter (David): Oh, my scammy flammy mammy!

Show Me Your Weenis! [4.2]

 * Bob: ... the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.
 * David: Let's hear it for the IBTC. They work hard!

 * Incompetent kidnapper (Bob): One...thousand dollars if you ever want to see my toe again.

 * College friend watching underground video (Brian Posehn): No shit!

 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #1 (Bob): Dude, show me your weenis!
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Look at my hard dick, Isn't it rad?
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #3 (John Ennis): I'm so fuckin' horny, dude!
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Well then dude, suck that shit!

 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): You can't trust a man what's made of gas! Not you, Zaxon, you're one of the good ones. There's white people made of gas, you know what I mean.

 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): My relatives didn't move here to be put out of work by some shifty-eyed, lazy, yellow-metal, China-bots!

 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): Keep 'em comin', Gleep Glop...

Rudy Will Await Your Foundation [4.3]

 * Bob at 4 years old (unknown): Mommy, What's a Gagortion?

 * David: Hey, Bob? Um, I was wondering...um, so...do you still like to party?

 * Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob): Horny Slut Hot-line. This is Peppermint.

 * Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob): You're just jealous because I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be!

 * Denny Whitkin, performing "The Audition" (David): Can I use this chair?

 * Del Crow (Bob): Already our little one's got a scholarship to Miss Lily's Finishing School.
 * Interviewer: What's that?
 * Del Crow (Bob): It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.

 * Burgundy Loafe customer (David): You want me to shit in a box while I'm eating dinner?

The Story of Everest [4.4]

 * Larry Kleist, rapist (Bob): Hello, Larry is my name. Insurance is my game.  Raping was another game of mine...

 * Member of press (David): Tom Boudinir, Cabington News, pedophile. I..sodomized my nephew.  Juuuust what is going on over there at that zoning board??

 * Anthony "One Time" Branca (David): The both of youze can grab onto my books, mother-father, Chinese dentist.

 * Father of Thomas, the adventurer (Bob): Nooooo! Let Thomas do it himself.  Climbed Mt. Everest!?!?

It's Perfectly Understandishable [4.5]

 * Lane Wellesby, actor trainer and handler (John Ennis): There's a reason for the phrase, "as dumb as an actor".

 * Jonathan, blind girl's friend (Bob): Well, then if you're blind, how do you know I'm a ... homosexual?

 * Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): William van Landingham?!
 * William van Landingham III (Jerry Messing): The Third, my dear boy!

 * Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): A rap, rap, a rap rap rap. A rap, rap, a rap tap tap.  Get rappin' with it.  Heyyyyy.  Get rappin' with it.  Hohhhh!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Damn, his science is too tight!

It's Insane, This Guy's Taint [4.6]

 * "Go-to" guy (Jay Johnston): Hey mom, could you pass the gravy?
 * "Go-to" guy's mom (unknown): That wasn't part of the deal!

 * David (as "himself"): You know, Jill's ingested so much soil, her stomach oughta be listed in the "Worm Apartment Guide"!

 * Reverend Ralee Kolunda/Kolunda's sidekick (Jerry Minor/David): Be kind, Rewind.

 * Garry Flank documentary voiceover (Bob): That's when tragedy struck. Captain Tragedy.

 * Max Packer: I've got a five inch taint

Eat Rotten Fruit from a Shitty Tree [4.7]

 * Larry Branson (Bob): 'Til death do us part, asshole!

 * Larry Branson (Bob): Maybe he wasn't such a chicken-shit after all ... Bartender? ...  My life!

 * Hypnotherapist (Becky Thyre): What are you doing in the cemetery, Charles?
 * James Whitcroft (David): I just wanna dig up a corpse and have sexual relations with it!

Like Chickens, Delicious Chickens [4.8]

 * Civil War Reenactment piece narrator (Jeff Goldblum): He dreamed of one day finding a box of money.

 * Edmond Premington (Bob): You feel it first in your scrotum.

 * Member of Edmond Premington's audience (David): You don't know what words mean, do you?

 * Edmond Premington (Bob): When the African lion attacks....

 * Member of Edmond Premington's audience (Jay Johnston): Nipples on your ass...?

 * Reporter (David): And I understand you met Napoleon?
 * 2000 lb. Old Man (Bob): Met him?...I et him!

 * Telethon caller (Bob): Hey I got a fake asshole...y'all got fake poo?

Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions [4.9]

 * Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown): The irony's as bittersweet as...tears on Turkish Delight!

 * Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown): Oh, happenstance!

 * Dr. ______ (Bob): So if you want to talk to gamblers...and masturbators...

 * Cyrus ______ (David): Frame it, bury it, walk 20 paces away, dig it up in 15 years and teach the world to sing!

 * Cyrus ______ (David): Who dares question Ryan Dorn?!

 * Jill Talley: Sad songs are nature's onions.

 * Becky Thyre: Sorrow is the key that gets our tears out of eye jail.

 * Willips Brighton (Bob): And my heart feels like a mouth full of sores. A mouth full of sores ain't no fun.

 * Willips Brighton (Bob): Take it from me, a guy who has mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sores.

 * Horace Loeb (David): I'll miss you... me.

Patriotism, Pepper, Professionalism [4.10]

 * Bob: With our help, you'll laugh your sales right through the... roof!

 * Young Josh Fenderman (unknown): IT'S PUMPKININNNNNNY!!!

 * Josh's Mom (Jill Talley): For the first five or six years of his life, he made no money at all. Zero. We paid for everything.

 * Girlfriend (Jill): ...you GAVE people blowjobs?
 * Boyfriend (Bob): The most people!

 * Member of "2001: A New Wave Godyssey" (Scott Aukerman): Heavens to Betsy, I've invented a praying machine!

 * Larry Turnauer, a.k.a. Marilyn Monster (David): And don't forget to break some rules. But... Don't break any rules.

Miscellaneous Quotes

 * Mary Lynn Rajskub/Guests: Hey everybody, it's Bob and David!

 * Unknown speaker: The ghost of Gene Wilder began to prematurely haunt an elderly couple in Maine. When reached for comment, the ghost said "Jesus Christ, how long do I have to wait for this guy to drop? He hasn't done anything for-fucking-ever." Mr. Wilder attempted to reach us to comment, but we wouldn't accept the charges.

Cast

 * David Cross
 * Bob Odenkirk
 * John Ennis
 * Tom Kenny
 * Jill Talley
 * Jay Johnston

title: Mr. Show with Bob and David


text:
MediaWiki talk:Sitenotice

February fund drive notice
On Friday 18 February 2005 at 00:00 UTC, the message below needs to go live on this page:

Wikimedia needs your help in its $75,000 fund drive. See our fundraising page for details.

-- Maveric149 21:26, 16 Feb 2005 (UTC)

E-mail this user" function
Suggestion to a sysop; remove this notice. I think the user now know it. Or at least edit MediaWiki:Anonnotice and make it empty so anons, who can not confirm there email adress, do not get that message. --Walter 14:53, 3 May 2006 (UTC)

Outdated sitenotice
Isn't the current sitenotice a bit old? At least the merge accounts thing is becoming annoying, and Copyright Cleanup Project is getting less and less visits anyway.  Nemo 22:18, 30 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Agree. 121a0012 17:20, 22 January 2012 (UTC)

Hello, good news! Thanks to FreedomFighterSparrow and Brion, unregistered users can now hide the sitenotice again. Previously, they were forced to see it continuously.

In all cases, please use the sitenotice with care, and keep in mind that occasional visitors see sitenotices on all their visits, if they visit less than once a month or they don't click "dismiss" and save a cookie. Nemo 15:43, 24 March 2015 (UTC)

title: MediaWiki talk:Sitenotice


text:
Mad (magazine)

Mad is an American humor magazine founded by editor Harvey Kurtzman and publisher William Gaines in 1952. Launched as a comic book before it became a magazine, it was widely imitated and influential, impacting not only satirical media but the entire cultural landscape of the 20th century. Its fictional mascot is Alfred E. Neuman, a gap-toothed, freckled kid who never worries, and has appeared on almost every MAD cover. Every issue has a "thought provoking" quote attributed fictionally to him.

1950s

 * What, Me Worry? (#24 – 07/1955)

1990s

 * A born executive is a guy whose father owns the business. (#236 – 01/1983)
 * The trouble with learning from experience is that you get the test before the lesson. (#290 – 10/1989)
 * The distance between many people's ears is a block. (#314 – 10/1992)
 * Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out. (#315 – 12/1992)
 * The problem with the ladder of success is that by the time you've climbed it, you're considered over the hill. (#316 – 01/1993)
 * The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them. (#317 – 03/1993)
 * If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows an three tellers? (#318 – 04/1993)
 * April 15th is a day that tests a person's power of deduction. (#319 – 06/1993)
 * It's a good idea to save your money. One day, it might be worth something again. (#320 – 07/1993)
 * How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their own arm? (#321 – 09/1993)
 * English is a language where double negatives are a no-no. (#322 – 10/1993)
 * The reason most doctors don't believe in acupuncture is because they'd rather stick us with the bill. (#323 – 12/1993)
 * Most people don't act stupid; it's the real thing. (#324 – 01/1994)
 * These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors. (#325 – 02/1994)
 * The reason many people are lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. (#326 – 02-03/1994)
 * Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give us more sound than advice. (#327 – 05/1994)
 * Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? (#328 – 06/1994)
 * Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check. (#329 – 07-08/1994)
 * Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but never to win the Lottery? (#330 – 09/1994)
 * America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign. (#331 – 10-11/1994)
 * A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course. (#332 – 12/1994)
 * Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees. (#333 – 01-02/1995)
 * Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story on TV. (#334 – 03-04/1995)
 * A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose. (#335 – 05/1995)
 * The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard. (#336 – 06/1995)
 * Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade. (#337 – 07/1995)
 * You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train. (#338 – 08/1995)
 * Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day! (#339 – 09/1995)
 * How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America? (#340 – 10-11/1995)
 * A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep. (#341 – 12/1995)
 * Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. (#342 – 01-02/1996)
 * Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every Ma Nugget weighs the same. (#343 – 03/1996)
 * It takes one to know one — and vice versa. (#344 – 04/1996)
 * How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? (#345 – 05/1996)
 * The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents were much cheaper. (#347 – 07/1996)
 * A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa. (#348 – 08/1996)
 * If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation. (#349 – 09/1996)
 * Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement. (#350 – 10/1996)
 * In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated. (#351 – 11/1996)
 * Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many Americans' sleeping arrangements. (#352 – 12/1996)
 * Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime. (#353 – 01/1997)
 * Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease. (#354 – 02/1997)
 * Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door. (#355 – 03/1997)
 * Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time. (#356 – 04/1997)
 * A call girl is a lady who isn't free for the night. (#357 – 05/1997)
 * A psychiatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode. (#358 – 06/1997)
 * A bore is somebody who interrupts your fifth story with one of his own. (#359 – 07/1997)
 * Most people who ask for a minute of your time have trouble timing a minute. (#360 – 08/1997)
 * In Hollywood these days, what's coming out isn't as interesting as who's coming out. (#361 – 09/1997)
 * Most doctors' gains are ill-gotten. (#362 – 10/1997)
 * The problem with our economy is that our budget is supposed to be balanced by people who aren't. (#363 – 11/1997)
 * The clearest digital signal is still flipping someone the bird. (#364 – 12/1997)
 * In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. There are also very few archery contests. (#365 – 01/1998)
 * If medicine isn't an exact science, how come they always know how much to charge you? (#366 – 02/1998)
 * Remember — The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage. And sometimes, even with. (#367 – 03/1998)
 * A couch potato follows the path of least existence. (#369 – 05/1998)
 * Too many movies today have a beginning, a muddle and an end. (#370 – 06/1998)
 * There's more than one way to skin a cat, though you probably won't even need the one. (#372 – 08/1998)
 * Every dog has its day, but in dog years that's like a whole week. (#373 – 09/1998)
 * At one time or another, everybody plays the fool. But some people are typecast for life. (#374 – 10/1998)
 * The psychiatrist's office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean. (#375 – 11/1998)
 * Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to Traffic Court. (#376 – 12/1998)
 * You can't hurry love — but you can move up the wedding to accommodate the baby's arrival. (#377 – 01/1999)
 * Any dentist who says "This won't hurt a bit" is lying through your teeth. (#379 – 03/1999)
 * Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than reading them. (#380 – 04/1999)
 * When it comes to personal conduct, always set the bar high — it makes it much easier to sneak underneath. (#382 – 06/1999)
 * Most people don't mind a hard day's work — just as long as they're not in that day. (#383 – 07/1999)
 * On their deathbed, no one ever wished they had spent more time at the office — or on their deathbed, for that matter. (#384 – 08/1999)
 * Put 1,000 writers in a room for 1,000 days and one will come up with a story about monkeys writing Hamlet. (#385 – 09/1999)
 * Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree. (#386 – 10/1999)
 * Parents treat their kids like teeth — they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done. (#387 – 11/1999)
 * If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they'd ask for it. (#388 – 12/1999)

2000s

 * The reason most people talk to themselves is because they're often the only ones who will listen. (#389 – 01/2000)
 * Whoever said "Talk is cheap" never dialed a 1-900 number. (#390 – 02/2000)
 * People who live in glass houses should look like Sharon Stone. (#391 – 03/2000)
 * All lawyers are cut from the same cloth — fleece. (#392 – 04/2000)
 * Too many people think the best way to get a leg up on their finances is to look for a hand out. (#393 – 05/2000)
 * Americans are the only people looking for a short cut to the quick fix. (#394 – 06/2000)
 * The problem with our economy is that our budget is balanced by people who aren't. (#395 – 07/2000)
 * If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning. (#396 – 08/2000)
 * Many a good egg ends up getting beaten. (#397 – 09/2000)
 * Most wives are like ventriloquists — they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking. (#398 – 10/2000)
 * With current divorce rates, it seems that often times the honeymoon is over before the honeymoon is over. (#399 – 11/2000)
 * Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake. (#400 – 12/2000)
 * A shepherd with no flock falls asleep counting creditors. (#401 – 01/2001)
 * Men who will eat their mother's cooking have an edible complex. (#402 – 02/2001)
 * Be wary of anyone who gives you advice beginning with "Be wary of". (#403 – 03/2001)
 * Success is achieved only by those who are more or less confident, kind of specific and take a relatively firm stand. (#404 – 04/2001)
 * A judge is nothing more than a lawyer who's been benched. (#405 – 05/2001)
 * Parents work so they can give their children a better life than they had — and then complain about how easy they've got it. (#406 – 06/2001)
 * You can't go home again. At least that's what your parents will tell you on Graduation Day. (#407 – 07/2001)
 * Understatement is a zillion times more effective than exaggeration. (#408 – 08/2001)
 * Every dog has its day — but that day still consists largely of sniffing butts. (#410 – 10/2001)
 * The most troublesome side effect of many prescription drugs is that they make you feel well enough to go back to work. (#411 – 11/2001)
 * It's not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work — it's the pay. (#412 – 12/2001)
 * People who live in glass houses are a Reality TV producer's dream come true. (#413 – 01/2002)
 * Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And the same is true for all your other classes. (#414 – 02/2002)
 * If you lend someone your ear, don't expect to be repaid with interest. (#415 – 03/2002)
 * The problem with instant gratification is that it often takes too long. (#416 – 04/2002)
 * Why is it that when someone's fighting to get in the last word, it's never "Sorry"? (#417 – 05/2002)
 * For some, following in their parents' footsteps is more like a forced march. (#418 – 06/2002)
 * Most people are so concerned about getting in the last word, they ignore all the previous ones. (#420 – 08/2002)
 * Most bosses never lift a finger at work — unless it's to point out something you did wrong. (#421 – 09/2002)
 * Many an election is won by the candidate who can fake sincerity better. (#422 – 10/2002)
 * You can avoid many a close shave by not working yourself up into a lather. (#423 – 11/2002)
 * Just because you put your foot down doesn't mean it won't end up in your mouth. (#424 – 12/2002)
 * Parents are the ones who are there when you want to be alone with a date and nowhere to be found when you need five bucks. (#425 – 01/2003)
 * It used to be that after years of service, your company would give you a gold watch. Now you're lucky if they give you the time of day. (#426 – 02/2003)
 * Money can't buy happiness — but it can rent it repeatedly. (#427 – 03/2003)
 * Before you buy a new mattress, you should probably sleep on it. (#428 – 04/2003)
 * Plenty of people believe in energy conservation — mainly their own. (#429 – 05/2003)
 * More people would think for themselves if someone just told them to. (#430 – 06/2003)
 * To avoid repeating the mistakes of your father, start by not marrying your mother. (#431 – 07/2003)
 * A monkey dressed like a man is still a monkey. But a man dressed like a monkey is a horse's ass. (#432 – 08/2003)
 * If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, it must be a very short walk. (#433 – 09/2003)
 * A gambler who thinks he has a "can't lose" system for winning at blackjack isn't playing with a full deck. (#434 – 10/2003)
 * Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it. (#435 – 11/2003)
 * Youth is like money — it's only after it's gone that you finally realize how you should have spent it. (#436 – 12/2003)
 * Sometimes it seems like only masochists do unto others as they would have done unto themselves. (#437 – 01/2004)
 * Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place. (#438 – 02/2004)
 * The only time most people are modest is in describing their own faults. (#439 – 03/2004)
 * Most parents' idea of "sound advice" is suggesting that you shut up. (#440 – 04/2004)
 * Most people still believe in a hard day's work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two. (#441 – 05/2004)
 * Whoever said "fighting never solves anything" obviously never won a fight. (#442 – 06/2004)
 * More Americans would speak out on the obesity problem — but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full. (#443 – 07/2004)
 * If ignorance is bliss, you'd think people would be happier when you pointed out what morons they are. (#444 – 08/2004)
 * It's true that school prepares you for a job — in both, you sit behind a desk being bored all day. (#445 – 09/2004)
 * When you put someone on a pedestal, it just makes it easier for them to look down on you. (#446 – 10/2004)
 * Quitting smoking is easy... compared to a former smoker talk about quitting. (#447 – 11/2004)
 * Whoever said "Charity begins at home" obviously never asked for a raise in allowance. (#448 – 12/2004)
 * Your parents are right when they say they won't always be there to fight your battles for you — that's because they'll be the ones you're fighting against. (#450 – 02/2005)
 * Parents who complain that you're not going anywhere in life are the same ones who refuse to give you a lift to the mall. (#451 – 03/2005)
 * Nowadays, it seems like the biggest difference between a man's wife and his boss is that when the government comes looking for a handout, the honeymoon is really over. (#452 – 04/2005)
 * People who swear they'll stick to their diet usually end up eating their words. (#453 – 05/2005)
 * Whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" obviously never cut class. (#454 – 06/2005)
 * Parents are the ones who never listen to a word you say — until you mutter something under your breath. (#455 – 07/2005)
 * The problem with being smart is that most people are too stupid to notice. (#456 – 08/2005)
 * Politicians only display creative thinking when making excuses after they get caught doing something illegal. (#457 – 09/2005)
 * Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job. (#458 – 10/2005)
 * If you repeat the same grade once, you're a dummy — if you do it 20 times, you're a teacher. (#459 – 11/2005)
 * Talk is cheap — but say the wrong thing to your parents and it'll cost you. (#460 – 12/2005)
 * Most siblings won't share anything — except embarrassing stories about you. (#461 – 01/2006)
 * It's funny how no one is ever so busy that they can't find the time to complain about how busy they are. (#462 – 02/2006)
 * Many long-time smokers end up having a coffin fit. (#463 – 03/2006)
 * Too many people consider themselves open-minded when they're really just empty-headed. (#464 – 04/2006)
 * How come the same parents who assure you that "it's what's inside that counts" whine endlessly about the way you dress? (#465 – 05/2006)
 * It's funny how whenever your parents tell you to "think about what you did wrong", your answer is always the same — you got caught. (#466 – 06/2006)
 * Every day is a gift — but good luck exchanging it if you don't like it. (#467 – 07/2006)
 * Vegetarians who go back to meat have to start by eating crow. (#468 – 08/2006)
 * The problem with parents putting in their two cents is that they expect change. (#470 – 10/2006)
 * How is it that a well-rounded diet consists of three square meals? (#471 – 11/2006)
 * To be a member of the upper crust you need a lot of dough. (#472 – 12/2006)
 * Why is it that when it comes to doing something about global warming, most politicians get cold feet? (#473 – 01/2007)
 * Why doesn't time ever fly when you're stuck in an airplane? (#474 – 02/2007)
 * An arrested drunk is someone who got nailed for getting hammered. (#475 – 03/2007)
 * If we don't do something to stop global warming, pretty soon we'll all be in hot water. (#476 – 04/2007)
 * In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Also, there's lots of competition for handicapped parking. (#477 – 05/2007)
 * Nowadays, at many airlines, the only thing "up in the air" is whether the plane will ever take off. (#478 – 06/2007)
 * Most people's definition of a dumb person is someone who doesn't recognize their brilliance. (#479 – 07/2007)
 * The stupid person says, "It's impossible". The smart person says, "It's possible, if we can get enough stupid people to do it." (#480 – 08/2007)
 * Haste makes waste, but at least it does so quickly. (#481 – 09/2007)
 * It's said a picture is worth a thousand words, but try telling that to a teacher who assigned you a thousand-word essay. (#482 – 10/2007)
 * Just because you wear the pants in your family doesn't mean it'll be your hands in the pockets. (#483 – 11/2007)
 * Parents say that anything worth doing is worth doing right. Luckily, whatever they ask you to do is never worth doing. (#484 – 12/2007)
 * A watch without hands tells no time, but neither does a digital watch with no batteries. (#485 – 01/2008)
 * Whoever said nothing is gained by cheating never cheated on a diet. (#486 – 02/2008)
 * Getting homework after a full day of school is like being forced to take home a doggy bag from a lousy restaurant. (#487 – 03/2008)
 * When it comes to the lack of cleanliness at public urinals, it's amazing what some guys will stand for. (#489 – 05/2008)
 * Presidents are like diapers — just because you've changed the old one doesn't mean the new one's not going to end up being full of crap, too. (#490 – 06/2008)
 * The problem with talking in circles is that it's impossible to find a point. (#491 – 07/2008)
 * Once you've learned to ride a bike, you'll never forget — too bad the same's not true about the combination lock you chained it up with. (#492 – 08/2008)
 * It's funny how the dumbest son and shrillest daughter-in-law never fail to produce the smartest, sweetest grandchildren on the planet. (#493 – 09/2008)
 * People who don't vote are electing to stay out of it. (#495 – 11/2008)
 * When most people think about their problems, the only thing they figure out is that they're too dumb to fix them. (#496 – 12/2008)
 * Many students believe originality means being the first to plagiarize an author's work. (#497 – 01/2009)
 * There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't. (#498 – 02/2009)
 * Hybrid SUV's are like adult diapers — they don't really solve anything, but they make people feel better about the mess they're making. (#499 – 04/2009)
 * Having a smoking section in a restaurant makes about as much sense as having a peeing section in a swimming pool. (#500 – 06/2009)
 * Trying to enjoy the last few days of summer, knowing school is about to start, is like trying to enjoy the last few minutes of an in-flight movie, knowing your plane is about to crash. (#501 – 10/2009)

2010s

 * There's a lot to be said for brevity. (#502 – 01/2010)
 * Everyone wants politicians that are just like them — then they're upset when they are. (#503 – 05/2010)
 * People who favor racial profiling should be sent back to where they came from. (#504 – 08/2010)
 * Ask not what your country can do for you — you're just going to be disappointed with the answer. (#505 – 10/2010)
 * Naysayers have it all wrong. (#506 – 12/2010)
 * Too often, the helping hand you're being offered ends up in your pocket. (#507 – 02/2011)
 * Nowadays, a loner is someone who only has 400 friends on Facebook. (#508 – 04/2011)
 * Why is it that people who want government to be small always have the biggest mouths? (#509 – 06/2011)
 * The only thing more depressing than another presidential election is what's likely to result from it. (#510 – 08/2011)
 * If you always see your glass as half empty, try getting a smaller glass. (#512 – 12/2011)
 * America is still the greatest country in the world... but only because all the other countries are collapsing even faster than we are. (#513 – 02/2012)
 * No one's doing anything about the growing apathy in this country. (#514 – 04/2012)
 * "Don't ask, don't tell" was a terrible policy for the military, but a great one for Internet search histories. (#515 – 06/2012)
 * Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#516 – 08/2012)
 * You can't judge a book by its cover — and the user reviews on Amazon are usually just as worthless. (#517 – 10/2012)
 * For most people, being reflective means spending hours in front of a mirror. (#518 – 12/2012)
 * We can fix America's plummeting test scores in math if we all just give 110 percent. (#519 – 02/2013)
 * Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#520 – 04/2013)
 * No matter how sensible gun legislation is, it always seems to get shotdown. (#521 – 06/2013)
 * The sooner you figure out that looks can only get you so far in life, the uglier you probably are. (#522 – 09/2013)
 * If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (#523 – 10/2013)
 * Most people simply repeat whatever they hear. You can quote me on that. (#524 – 12/2013)
 * Constantly looking at your smartphone can really make you look stupid. (#525 – 01/2014)
 * Whoever said times heals all wounds was probably never beheaded. (#526 – 04/2014)
 * An apple a day keeps the doctor away — but only if you throw it really hard. (#527 – 06/2014)
 * Skinny jeans should only be worn by people with skinny genes. (#528 – 08/2014)
 * These days, you'd have to be crazy to run for political office — and that pretty much explains everything. (#529 – 10/2014)
 * People try to throw money at all of their problems — except their debts. (#530 – 12/2014)
 * Nowadays, "junk" mail refers to when some guy sends you an unwanted sext. (#531 – 02/2015)
 * Flattery can get you far in life — but you're so smart, you probably already knew that. (#532 – 04/2015)
 * Lawyers spend three years trying to pass the bar — and the rest of their careers lowering it. (#533 – 06/2015)
 * Cheating on your diet is a piece of cake — and vice versa. (#534 – 08/2015)
 * Even though America has a two-party system, it's still nothing to celebrate. (#535 – 10/2015)
 * Our country's colleges are making sure that jobs stay in America — one loan officer at a time. (#536 – 12/2015)
 * When people get a taste of their own medicine, it usually makes them sick. (#537 – 02/2016)
 * Too many skinny dippers concentrate only on the dipping, and not enough on the skinny. (#538 – 04/2016)
 * Most of the talk around the water cooler is about how it's the only water that's safe to drink. (#539 – 06/2016)
 * Just because someone has a trophy wife doesn't mean they're not a loser. (#540 – 08/2016)
 * An apple a day keeps the doctor away — especially if you nail him in the solar plexus. (#541 – 10/2016)
 * Throwing in your two cents may end up costing you. (#542 – 12/2016)
 * There's no "I" in "team" — but how many athletes these days can even spell? (#543 – 02/2017)
 * Most people who say "it's always darker before the dawn" never explain what they're doing up that early. (#544 – 04/2017)
 * Nothing beats the satisfaction of a job well done — especially if you weren't the one who had to do it. (#545 – 06/2017)
 * Whoever said "it's lonely at the top" was probably talking to himself. (#546 – 08/2017)
 * "Watch out for your fellowman" is good advice, no matter how you interpret it. (#547 – 10/2017)
 * On their deathbed, no one wishes they'd spent more time at work... but plenty of people at work wish they were on their deathbed instead. (#548 – 12/2017)
 * One good thing about World War 3: at least there won't be any more sequels. (#549 – 02/2018)
 * Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because you'll be unemployed. (#550 – 04/2018)
 * A first issue of a magazine is like a first flower in spring. Except we actually had to murder plants to make this. (#1 – 06/2018)
 * You can't teach an old man to fish, but you can teach him to microwave some tuna and make everyone else at the retirement home really angry. (#3 – 10/2018)
 * Disney sets painfully unrealistic expectations. No dogs will eat my spaghetti. (#4 – 12/2018)
 * I have a face that only a mother could love, which is why I'm dating your mom. (#5 – 02/2019)
 * Nothing is certain except for death and taxes, unless you're rich, then just death. (#6 – 04/2019)
 * The end of a vacation is like a thirsty stick: it sucks. Unless the vacation was full of ticks. (#7 – 06/2019 p. 5)
 *  Mythical is just mystical spoken with a lisp. (#7 – p. 6)
 * Baby changing stations should be outlawed. Babies are fine just the way they are! (#7 – p. 35)
 * The word boobs is so scary until you get to the second b . (#7 – p. 44)
 * Make your life a little sillier by assuming glock is short for glockenspiel in rap songs. (#8 – 08/2019)
 * Mercury retrograde negatively impacts conversation. For example, when you say Mercury retrograde, people stop talking to you. (#9 – 10/2019 p. 4)
 *  Don't let the bed bugs bite is victim blaming. (#9 – p. 5)
 * They say young people are impressionable, but really their skin doesn't retain an imprint like an old person's. (#9 – p. 6)
 * It's okay to cut corners—especially with this magazine. FREE confetti!!! (#9 – p. 52)
 * (Sorry, folks, no dumb quote in #10; Happy Scary Halloween!)

About

 * The first issue of the magazine hit the newsstands in 1952, with sharp-eyed sendups of movies, advertising, celebrities and comic strips: Mickey Mouse became "Mickey Rodent" and Superman "Superduperman." To the delight of its largely teen-age audience, it brought satire into the mainstream, along with up-to-the-moment New York humor sprinkled with Yiddish, nonsense and non sequiturs.
 * Barron, James. "William Gaines, Publisher of Mad Magazine Since '52, Is Dead at 70". The New York Times. (June 4, 1992).

 * "It's got to have been an influence on almost every comedy writer I know," said Steve O'Donnell, the head writer for "Late Night With David Letterman." "It's rare that you would meet a comedy writer who doesn't know who Arthur the Potted Plant is, or the kinds of esoterica in the margins that we ardently absorbed because we were scanning every page for most of our childhoods." Presiding over those margins was a 240-pound publisher who filled the office water cooler with wine and celebrated hitting the million mark in circulation by packing his staff off to Haiti, where Mad had exactly one subscriber. Few readers ever receive the kind of personal attention that Mr. Gaines lavished on him: Mr. Gaines drove to his house and handed him a subscription-renewal card. At Mad's office (on MADison Avenue, it says beneath the table of contents) Mr. Gaines was a sounding board for jokes, but left the writing and drawing to others. "My staff and contributors create the magazine," he said. "What I create is the atmosphere."
 * Barron, James. "William Gaines, Publisher of Mad Magazine Since '52, Is Dead at 70". The New York Times. (June 4, 1992).

 * The magazine had begun when Harvey Kurtzman, a cartoonist who had been interviewing Korean War veterans for combat comic books, came down with jaundice and decided to create something that he could write from his sickbed. Mr. Gaines gave him the go-ahead. But to children of the air-raid shelter generation, the first primary-school group taught to "duck and cover" -- hide under school desks and shield their faces in case of the white-hot flash of an atomic bomb -- Mad quickly became an essential part of growing up. Month after month, in its relentlessly good-natured way, Mad told them that everything was askew. "It's no accident that it came along when it did, in the 50's," said Tony Hiss, a staff writer at The New Yorker. "That's when TV was beginning to take hold, and one of its unexpected side effects was a new kind of bunkum-detector. All those commercials gave you an awareness that you were being conned and allowed you to see through the hype."
 * Barron, James."William Gaines, Publisher of Mad Magazine Since '52, Is Dead at 70". The New York Times. (June 4, 1992).

 * Saturday Night Live would be unthinkable without Mad; so would Home Alone and Tim Burton. Even such diverse and serious types as Gloria Steinem and Art Spiegelman acknowledge the stunning impact of Mad on their life and work. Gaines’ little comic book has quite possibly been the most subversive magazine of modern times, simply because it taught readers-kid readers-to giggle at the pomposities and contradictions of mainstream culture. Mad exposed the lighter side of everything young people were taught was heavy. Starting out in a decade fanatically devoted to the status quo and worshipful of grown-ups, Gaines dared to muse, ”I think that 13 just may be the age of reason.” From today’s vantage point, in an age awash with irony, it’s hard to grasp how astounding the first Mads must have seemed when America was liking Ike and loving Lucy. Yet the most popular modern pastimes-the twisted celebration of the distasteful, the obsessive satirical reshuffling of the pop-culture deck- derive from that willfully juvenile revolution.
 * EW staff, “Remembering William M. Gaines”, Entertainment Weekly, (June 19, 1992)

 * For generations of readers, the names of the Mad Men now “exist as gods on Olympus,” says art director Viviano. Gaines also brooked no interference from his corporate bosses. He wanted the magazine to tackle the world on its own terms. And it did. Nothing was sacred to Mad.  “It was magical, objective proof to kids that they weren’t alone, that in New York City on Lafayette Street, if nowhere else, there were people who knew that there was something wrong, phony and funny about a world of bomb shelters, brinkmanship and toothpaste smiles,” The New York Times wrote in 1977.
 * Todd Leopold, "The Mad, mad world of Al Jaffee". CNN. December 14, 2011.

 * The Mad trips ended just after Gaines’ death in 1992, and some of the legends – Dave Berg, Antonio Prohias, Don Martin, George Woodbridge – have passed on. Age and distance have made it harder to connect. But Jaffee relaxes with Jack Davis and Sergio Aragones as if he’d seen them yesterday, sharing stories, signing books and observing the passing crowd, as cartoonists will. At this gathering in Savannah, Mad is the center of the world. But outside SCAD’s Poetter Hall, times have changed. The magazine’s circulation, which topped 2 million in the 1970s, was down to just below 200,000 as of 2010. The magazine, once printed on pulp, now uses better-quality paper, prints words it once shunned, and even takes advertising. It’s the kind of stuff that gives complainers material for potshots at the magazine even though – given Mad’s influence – you might say we’re living in a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad world. But the magazine remains a rite of passage, points out Viviano, a way for preteens and preteens at heart to negotiate the adult world. “It’s still a magazine for skeptics,” he says. “That hasn’t changed.”
 * Todd Leopold quoting Al Jaffe in "The Mad, mad world of Al Jaffee". CNN. December 14, 2011.

 * Begun as a comic book spoofing other comic books, Mad set the tone for the modern satire popularized on television’s “Saturday Night Live” and in films such as Airplane and Naked Gun. Free of advertising, Mad faithfully adhered to Gaines’ irreverent edict: “Don’t believe in ads. Don’t believe in government. Watch yourself--everybody is trying to screw you!”
 * Myrna Oliver,, “William Gaines; Founded Mad Magazine”, Los Angeles Times, (June 4, 1992)

 * Gaines enabled Mad to turn down all advertising partially by maintaining a very low overhead. The magazine’s crowded, toy-strewn Manhattan office included such decor as a year-round Christmas tree. His regular staff rarely numbered more than nine or 10, and he relied on free-lance cartoonists and writers accepting small pay in order to be showcased in Mad.
 * Myrna Oliver,, “William Gaines; Founded Mad Magazine”, Los Angeles Times, (June 4, 1992)

 * Once upon a time, in the Age of Innocence, children really believed that all adults were good, that all Presidents were as honest as Abe Lincoln, that the adult world was in every way bigger and better than their own world, one which children knew well was full of savagery and danger. Children were expected to give up their seats in public conveyances to adults, to reserve strong language for the company of their peers and in every way to treat adults with respect. No single cultural force of the past 25 years better illustrates the changes that have occurred since those old days than Mad Magazine. Mad began as an offshoot of comic books. But while the comics of earlier years ran the gamut from cute Disney to the gruesomely violent Tales from the Crypt that aroused parental ire and even Congressional investigations, they all nevertheless fell into the category of fantasy, long an accepted adjunct of childhood. Mad was the first satirical magazine for children, a sort of an easy-to-read Junior Swift, the first to deal with children's reality -their parents, schools and the general adult culture around them - in a mocking way. As Al Feldstein, editor of Mad for the past 25 years, says, What we did was to take the absurdities of the adult world that youngsters were facing and show kids that the adult world is not omnipotent, that their parents were telling the kids to be honest, not to lie, and yet they were cheating on their income tax. We told them there's a lot of garbage out in the world and you've got to be aware of it. Everything you read in the papers is not necessarily true. What you see on television is mostly lies. You're going to have to learn to think for yourself.
 * Winn, Marie (January 25, 1981). "What Became of Childhood Innocence?", The New York Times, January 25, 1981".

 * While the early issues of Mad chose child-centered material to satirize, the focus turned in the 1960's to more and more difficult concerns - adult hypocrisy, sexuality, women's liberation, divorce, the drug and alcohol scene. One feature, entitled If Babies Could Take Parent Pictures, contained illustrations with this caption: Here's my idiot father trying to drive and take pictures at the same time. I was lucky to get home alive. The phrase my idiot father does not have a jarring sound in 1981; children today are cheerfully irreverent toward their elders. But the words were shocking then, coming from a child. A convention was coming to an end - one that compelled children to repress their natural (Freud would say Oedipal) hostilities, forced them to mutter under their breaths perhaps, but rarely to be openly abusive. Mad Magazine was clearly influential in the move toward free expression among children; its relentless exposure of parental hypocricies during the 1960's caused shock waves of admiration and reaction among its young readers, who were not unaware of their older siblings' angry accusations of hypocrisy against The Great Society's war in Vietnam.
 * Winn, Marie (January 25, 1981). "What Became of Childhood Innocence?", The New York Times, January 25, 1981".

 * Much of the material Mad satirized in its pages was first available to children in other media, especially television and the films. As these began to show increasingly adult material, Mad's pages also began to become more sophisticated. The magazine grew racier, but its readership grew younger. In the late 50's our readers seemed to be about 15, l6, late high school, early college. Today the mean age is probably about 13, Al Feldstein says. He attributes the change unequivocally to increased television viewing.
 * Winn, Marie (January 25, 1981). "What Became of Childhood Innocence?", The New York Times, January 25, 1981".

“Publisher Bill Gaines says MAD still going strong after 32 years” (January 20, 1985)
Bill Craig, Bill Gaines says MAD still going strong after 32 years”, “Stars and Stripes”, (January 20, 1985)
 * MAD publisher Bill Gaines says he got the magazine's credo from an old New Yorker cartoon showing a man on a soapbox shouting, "I hate everybody regardless of race, creed or color." "It really has become our motto," says Gaines. "We attack anyone no matter who or what they are. Since we don't have a point of view, we don't have to leave anyone out and that gives us a lot more material to work on."
 * Some of the people MAD has "worked on" over the years have taken offense at the magazine's irreverence. Gaines smiled as he recalled some of the magazine's more notable lawsuits. "One of the first was Ava Gardner who had just finished filming `The Barefoot Contessa.' She was upset because we ran a parody called `The Barefoot No-Contessa.' Then Dentyne got after us when we ran ads for Cavetyne Chewing Gum. There have been so many threats that after all this time they sort of blend together. "Especially when we were younger, it seemed like people got offended by these things. There were a lot of lawsuits but over the years we've always been able to jolly everybody out of it who took offense. We'd say, 'Aw, come on, this is only MAD Magazine. We're only fooling around.' We really haven't had any serious court cases in years."
 * He recalled the time when MAD was banned from Oklahoma for being communistic. The magazine had to go to court after being placed on what was called the state "smutmobile" by the state's attorney general. Gaines said the attorney general was said to be a friend of an Army general in Europe who "got up in front of a group of people and told them we were tainted with Communism." The state government put MAD in the same category as all of the dirty magazines of the day. Gaines had to sue to get back on the newstands.
 * Another more serious lawsuit involved the magazine's parodies of songs. New lyrics are written to familiar songs and printed with the instructions, "Sing to the tune of ...." When Irving Berlin and a group of songwriters sued Gaines, the case made it all the way to the Supreme Court. "We made law on that one," Gaines recalled, noting that he had probably helped to pave the way for Weird Al Yankovic's parodies. "Now anyone is free to parody anything that way. You just can't publish the music."
 * Gaines founded MAD as a 10-cent comic book. Neither he nor editor Al Feldstein expected it to sell at all well. After publishing horror stories, science fiction, war and suspense comics with his father's company, he and Feldstein "just decided one day" to create a comic spoofing all the others. "We never expected it to achieve anything. I guess we basically just did it for our own amusement," Gaines said. "Of course, it took off and now everything else is long since gone."
 * Gaines said it usually surprises people to hear that MAD has a full-time staff of only nine. All of the writing and art work is done by part-timers. He says the organization started tiny and grew into something very big without any major changes in staff. "All of our freelancers work for other people, too," he said. "We can't support any of them. A lot of them are into record covers, Time and Newsweek covers, TV Guide covers. Some of our writers have won Emmys in Hollywood. In their spare time they knock out a MAD article now and then." He says most of the freelancers, too, have been with the magazine from the beginning, doing it now out of a sense of loyalty or as an alter-ego exercise. He says it takes a particular kind of crazy mind to write for MAD and new talent has not been easy to find. "These guys are getting old now but they still think young, Gaines said. "Still, though, I guess it might be our biggest problem — that we're losing touch with our audience because of the age thing. We just can't seem to find young ones to take over."

"WILLIAM M. GAINES INTERVIEW II" (June, 1991)
William Gaines in “WILLIAM M. GAINES INTERVIEW II”, by Steve Ringgenberg, Gauntlet Magazine, (June, 1991)
 * RINGGENBERG: Did you change Mad from a comics format to a magazine format to escape the censors?
 * GAINES: No. No, I did not. I changed it because Harvey Kurtzman, my then editor, got a very lucrative offer from, I believe, pagent magazine, and he had, prior to that time, evinced an interest in changing Mad into a magazine. At the time I didn't think I wanted to because I didn't know anything about publishing magazines. I was a comics publisher. But, remembering this interest, when he got this offer, I countered his offer by saying I would allow him to change Mad into a magazine, which proved to be a very lucky step for me. But that's why it was changed. It was not changed to avoid the Code. Now, as a result of this, it did avoid the Code, but that's not why I did it. If Harvey had not gotten that offer from pagent, Mad probably never would have changed format.

“A day in the life of MAD Magazine” (April 6, 2018)
Nick Meglin in “A day in the life of MAD Magazine”, by Coury Turczyn, PopCult, (April 6, 2018)
 * Q: Describe a typical day at MAD.
 * A: Well, without coffee there is no particular day. But what happens is we generally get together, John Ficarra and myself, for a quick “let’s go over what insanity today is scheduled to bring.” We can never predict the unscheduled insanity that happens, as it happens, as it unfolds; very often we don’t know when an artist is passing by, coming in, showing up. But we always try to make every freelancer feel like this is a home away from home, in a way, so that they are free to drop by even if they are just in the neighborhood running errands. And those are the unscheduled stops. But the scheduled stops you try and organize as best we can in some kind of structure. But John Ficarra is really terrific at doing that–he’s much more structured than I am–and we try and get some semblance of order. But it doesn’t always work, as you can guess. Then we go through the mail and stack scripts that are coming in. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff has to do with people’s individual sense of humor, what they think is funny and what they think we do. But it’s really not what we do and they have no understanding of that. But we put them aside because everything gets read, because we have never had a staff writer in our history, or a staff artist. Everyone is freelance, no commitment, no arrangement, no contracts, just total freelancers. We’ve bought great ideas from a 14-year-old boy who’s sold us about 10-12 ideas through the years and never could write them, flesh them out, and make it a professional piece for MAD because he wasn’t a professional, not experienced or sophisticated enough to carry it to that level. But we paid him for the idea and gave him an idea by credit, and he sold us about 10-12 through the years…total stranger…kid in Pennsylvania…grew up…in college…still sending us ideas…maybe 20 ideas between his 14th and 22nd birthday. And then we’ve had six-figure writers from the west coast who make a fortune doing sitcoms–why they’d even want to write for MAD is beyond me–but they’re sending us the wrong stuff and getting aggravated because we’re rejecting it. They’re like “Hey, don’t you know who I am? Don’t you realize what an important writer I am and how successful I am and you’re telling me my work isn’t good enough for MAD?” It’s not that at all, it’s just not right for MAD; a 14-year-old kid knows what’s right for MAD and you don’t. So, with that in mind, that’s the way it goes.

 * It’s really a look at life, a look at the absurdity from a graphically visual point of view. If you illustrate some one-liners, it destroys them because that one-liner works better in the mind’s eye–you hear it and form a picture in your mind of what’s happening. But then when you actually see somebody draw that and make it graphic, then it doesn’t work anymore. For instance, Woody Allen in one of his early stand-up act lines said, “And I came home and there was my mother in a corner knitting a chicken.” Now everyone has always broken up at that line–there’s an insanity, an absurdity, that’s wonderful. It just sounds right. But if we did a drawing of a woman sitting on a couch knitting a chicken, it destroys it. Because once you graphically see it, once it’s in print, it’s no more a mind’s-eye absurdity; it becomes a graphic reality. And not every graphic reality is funny. So a MAD idea really translates well into a graphic reality–it’s not a mind’s-eye image.

 * There is a MAD philosophy–not that we adhere to a policy, we have no policy. But the philosophy is really is that to be funny, it has to work on one of three levels. It has to be completely satiric, which means it really has to be like a funhouse mirror reflection; it’s not enough to do somebody as they exist because that’s already done. You have to distort the image so that everyone knows who it is, yet the distortion has to do with the humor we derive out of that image.

 * Q: Do you ever worry about pitching the material at a certain age group?
 * A: No. And that’s the absolute truth. We get letters from brilliant people who subscribe and have never missed an issue, just as we also get letters written on loose-leaf paper from kids in junior high school, sometimes very profound in their thoughts and feelings. We don’t have demographics, we don’t accept advertising. We never did. We don’t want to be beholden to any outside force like an advertiser. With that in mind, there’s no reason to take surveys or polls as to who our target readership is–we don’t have any. We just hope everybody reads it. For instance, we did a Rocky take-off, of Rocky 4 or 5, the one where he fights the Russian. Now we began it as Rocky is in the ring fighting away, and there are people at ringside and one person is saying to the other, “In this story, Rocky fights someone who hates his country and everything about it.” and the other person says, “Who’s he fighting? Louie Farrakhan?” Now when we wrote that, one of our junior editors said, “You know, a lot of people aren’t going to know who Farrakhan is, maybe we shouldn’t do it.” But you see, that’s their problem, not ours–we’re not going to keep taking out a funny idea or a good point because we’re afraid someone’s not going to get it.

 * Q: Has anyone accused you of having a political agenda?
 * A: Always. Both sides. I think we’re conceived by most, I would say 60-70 percent, of being more on the liberal, progressive, Democratic left than the conservative, radical Right–just because a lot of the things we’ll make fun of are issues that are supported by the Right. Of course, being someone in the press, we want to maintain freedom of the press, maintain anything that will fight any sort of censorship. We don’t believe that there’s any morality out there that can decide what this country should be reading, or seeing on television or on film. So that would make us liberal, but in many ways… I mean, our anti-drug, alcohol and cigarette ad campaigns–we’ve run satires on famous ads for all of them… We were killing Joe Camel long before it became the rage, saying that this was an insidious, horrible thing. Of course, we did it funny, but we pointed out that a great way to start new young smokers was to get one of their animated cartoon characters to smoke. And we did that about seven years ago; as soon as Joe Camel came out we blasted the hell out of it.

 * Q: Is there any subject MAD won’t touch?
 * A: Yes, we don’t touch victims, we don’t hit sickness. We’ll go after doctors and their abuse with the bills or whatever, but we don’t do doctor jokes where somebody comes in and says, “I’ve got leukemia.” We also don’t take off on religion, per se–we don’t go after somebody’s religion. We went after Bakker, Swaggert, and the so-called TV-evangelists who abused their power and abused their patrons.

title: Mad (magazine)


text:
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title: User talk:221.15.143.104


text:
User:Guy M

About me: See wikipedia:User:Guy M My project: Las Vegas Wiki I place here, my favorite quotes I have found on Wikiquote for easy retrieval.

These quotes all have some meaning to me. * Maybe a reflection of me who I am, * Touch me or cause emotions to stir within myself, * or simply provoke thought.

"Let's get one thing straight. I'm not."
 * Kate Clinton

"They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!"
 * Lea DeLaria

"What do you mean, you 'don't believe in homosexuality?' It's not like the Easter Bunny; your belief isn't necessary."
 * Lea DeLaria

"I came out to my family on Thanksgiving. I said, mom, please pass the gravy to a homosexual. She passed it to my father. A terrible scene ensued."
 * Bob Smith

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work. 'Hello, can't work today. Still queer.'"
 * Robin Tyler

" 'Straight-looking Marine seeks straight cop to please...' How straight do they look when they're down on their knees?"
 * Give Me A Homosexual, Romanovsky and Phillips

44 MEN AND 1 WOMAN ARRESTED FOR FEMALE IMPERSONATION
 * New York Post headline, c. 1968

I do not impersonate females! How many women do you know who wear seven inch heels, four foot wigs, and skintight dresses?
 * RuPaul

 * Wait'll you see MY act. Bertha Venation, in the Dance ... of the Virgin.
 * Which she does completely from memory.
 * Bitch!
 * Bertha Venation and Marsha Dimes, in Torch Song Trilogy

"Wait a minute..."
 * Last words, Pope Alexander VI

title: User:Guy M