text:
South Park/Season 1

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe [1.01]

 * Cartman [to Kyle's brother, Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
 * Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
 * Stan: What's a dildo?

 * Kenny [muffled]: It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.
 * Cartman: Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.
 * [Cartman, Stan, and Kenny laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]

 * [Cartman is sitting on his couch watching TV, when Mr. Kitty approaches him]
 * Mr. Kitty: Meow.
 * Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!
 * Mr. Kitty: Meow.
 * Cartman: No, Kitty, s'bad Kitty!
 * Mr. Kitty: Meow.
 * Cartman: NO, KITTY, S'MY POT PIE!
 * Mr. Kitty: [hisses at Cartman]
 * Cartman: MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!
 * Liane: Well, then I know a certain Kitty-Kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
 * [beat]
 * Cartman: What?

 * Cartman: Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature! [Cartman simultaneously farts fire and a satellite dish comes out of his bottom]

 * Kyle: Vi-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i-is a pretty special thing.
 * Stan: Yeah.
 * Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
 * Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
 * Kyle: Did it work?
 * Stan: No, they're leaving.
 * Kyle: [Absolutely livid] Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**heads, what the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing assholes to be able to ignore a crying child!
 * Stan: Whoa, dude!
 * Kyle: You know what you f**kers like?! You like to f**k! And s***! And F**k! And F**k!  AND F**K!!
 * Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a f**k? [She shrugs.]

Weight Gain 4000 [1.02]

 * Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!
 * Cartman: Beefcake.
 * Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!
 * Cartman: Beefcake!
 * Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!
 * Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.
 * Cartman: Mom, [he turns his head to the left] can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
 * Mrs. Cartman: Okay, Eric, I'll get you some tomorrow.
 * Cartman: but mum I need it for tomorrow mum.
 * Mrs. Cartman: But tomorrow's grocery shopping, Eric.
 * Cartman: MOM...![he starts yelling gibberish, while throwing his Cheesy Poofs]
 * Mrs. Cartman: Okay, okay! Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
 * [Eric stops screaming, and smiles happily]

 * Kyle: Whoa, Cartman! Talk about wide load!
 * Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
 * Kyle: You're not "filling out nicely"! You're fatter than ever!
 * Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
 * Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go, "Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!"
 * Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling!
 * Man: Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!
 * Cartman: Hey!

Volcano [1.03]

 * Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
 * Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
 * Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

 * Cartman: My weenies won't cook.
 * Ned: Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.
 * Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
 * Ned: Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!
 * Jimbo: Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!
 * [Ned accidentally tips the gas can over, creating a fire trail that leads to Jimbo's van, blowing it up]
 * Stan and Kyle: Whoa!
 * Jimbo: God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?
 * Ned: Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!
 * Cartman [roasting a hot dog over Ned's flaming body]: Hey, guys. This works pretty good right nyah.

 * Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?
 * [Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]
 * Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]
 * Barbrady: Okay, any questions?
 * Chef: (indignant) That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
 * Barbrady: That's enough out of you!

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride [1.04]

 * Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

 [Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]
 * Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.
 * Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]
 * Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.
 * Ned: What are we doing here?
 * Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. :[Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] God damn, I love football.

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig [1.05]

 * Cartman: Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
 * Stan: Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
 * Cartman: Your sister beat you up again, huh?
 * Stan: No!
 * Cartman: [Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!
 * Stan: She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.
 * Kyle: Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
 * Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
 * Stan: My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
 * Cartman: Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."

 * [Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
 * Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
 * [The pig is heard squealing loudly]
 * Stan: Ah, sick!
 * Cartman: Fluffy!
 * Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

 * Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"
 * Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?
 * Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

 * Stan: Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.

Death [1.06]

 * Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
 * Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
 * Cartman (shocked): What?
 * Grampa: That's right!
 * Stan: Grampa!
 * Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
 * Cartman: Hey!
 * Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.
 * Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
 * Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!

 * [Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
 * Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
 * Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
 * Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
 * Kyle: Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
 * Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
 * Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
 * Cartman: [Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
 * Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
 * Class: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
 * Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
 * Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
 * [silence]
 * Mr. Garrison: You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
 * [Kenny walks in]
 * Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?
 * [Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
 * Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
 * [Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
 * Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?
 * Kenny: (I have to go pee.)
 * Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.
 * Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)
 * Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.
 * [Kenny goes in the restroom]
 * Mr. Garrison: Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
 * [throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
 * Stan: Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
 * Mr. Garrison: Pay attention, children!

Pink Eye [1.07]

 * Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total choad.
 * Cartman: Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.
 * Chef: Hello there, Children!
 * Cartman: Hey, Chef!
 * Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Aah!
 * Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?

 * Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
 * Chef: Actually-
 * Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
 * Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

 * [Kyle saws the zombified Kenny in half]
 * Kyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny! [to himself] YOU BASTARD!

Damien [1.08]

 * Stan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?
 * Kyle: Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".
 * Cartman: Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.
 * Stan: Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
 * Kyle: Yeah, that's weak!
 * Cartman: Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?
 * Stan: Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!
 * [Stan crumples up the invitation and throws it away.]
 * Cartman: Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
 * Stan: Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.

 * Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
 * Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
 * Damien: I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
 * [Cartman farts beside him.]
 * Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!
 * [Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]
 * Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!
 * Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
 * [Damien walks away from them.]
 * Stan: Bye bye, Fart-boy!
 * Kyle: See you!
 * Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?
 * Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
 * Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

 * Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
 * Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
 * Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
 * Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
 * Cartman: I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE!

[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]
 * Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
 * Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.

Starvin' Marvin [1.09]

 * Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
 * Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
 * [Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

 * Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
 * Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [1.10]

 * Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
 * Sheila: How about the dreidel song, boobie?
 * Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
 * Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
 * Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...
 * Stan: Christmas poo?
 * Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!
 * Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
 * Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
 * Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.
 * Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!
 * Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?

 * Mr. Garrison: The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
 * Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
 * Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
 * Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?
 * [Cartman raises his hand]
 * Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
 * Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?
 * Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]

 * Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
 * Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
 * Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
 * Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
 * Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
 * Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
 * Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her God damn father!

 * Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
 * Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
 * Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
 * Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young, and cute, and full of life...
 * Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
 * Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
 * Wendy: ''Don't fuck with me!
 * Ms. Ellen: What?!
 * Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, Bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

 * Wendy has just had Miss Ellen shot into the sun
 * Wendy: (cheerfully) Bye bye, Miss Ellen!
 * Kyle: Wendy! You didn't!
 * Wendy: (sing-songy) I told her~... (Intensely, with crazy eyes) Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. TESTABURGER!

Mecha-Streisand [1.12]

 * Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
 * Officer Barbrady: Well, you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
 * Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
 * Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

 * Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
 * Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
 * Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.
 * Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut [1.13]

 * Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
 * Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.
 * Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
 * Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
 * Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
 * Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
 * [long pause]
 * Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?
 * Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
 * Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
 * Cartman: I want to know where I came from.
 * Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
 * Cartman: Uh-huh...
 * Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
 * [long pause]
 * Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

 * Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
 * Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
 * Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
 * Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
 * Jimbo: Daaagh!
 * Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
 * Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
 * Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
 * Ned: Could be.
 * Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
 * Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
 * Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
 * Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!

title: South Park/Season 1


text:
South Park/Season 2

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus [2.01]

 * Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen Tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

 * [Terrance farts]
 * Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court.
 * Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.

 * Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance.
 * Terrance: Would you like a 'Monkey Claw', Phillip?
 * Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
 * Terrance: That's called the 'Monkey Claw', because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
 * Phillip: The 'Monkey Claw' is smelly.

 * Scott: I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!
 * Phillip: Cancer?
 * Scott: Yes, in the head!
 * Terrance: Head cancer?
 * Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!

 * Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
 * Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
 * Terrance: ...But we're not gay, Phillip.
 * Phillip: We're not?

 * Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]
 * Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
 * Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
 * Phillip: Cancer?!
 * Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
 * Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!
 * Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!

 * Scott: What are you idiots doing?
 * Terrance: We're looking for treasure.
 * Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
 * Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.

 * Scott: I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!

Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut [2.02]

 * [Kenny appears out of nowhere]
 * Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey, Kenny.

 * Kenny: Oh, my God! They killed Mephisto!
 * Kyle: You bastards!

 * Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?

 * Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
 * Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
 * Nurse: So that would make the fetus-
 * Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
 * Nurse: That places you in what we call 'the 40th Trimester'.

 * Doctor: Well, this is about all I can do for him.
 * Cartman: Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
 * Doctor: Sorry, son, it might be a while.
 * Cartman: [bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around] Wake up, you son of a bitch!
 * Chef: Whoa!

 * Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.

 * Mr. Garrison: Can't go on... So hungry...
 * Mayor McDaniels: We're all going to die in this horrible place.
 * Uncle Jimbo: We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
 * Film Director: How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
 * Uncle Jimbo: There's only one answer: Eat Eric Roberts.
 * Mayor McDaniels: Yes, of course! Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
 * Mr. Garrison: Eat Eric Roberts!
 * [they all together walk towards Eric Roberts]
 * Eric Roberts: No! No, please!
 * [cut to commercial...]

 * [Eric Robert's mutilated corpse is visible. The other characters in the studio are feasting on his remains.]
 * Mayor McDaniels: Well, there's no going back now. We're cannibals! God save us...
 * Uncle Jimbo: God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!

 * Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.
 * Film Director: What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?

 * Mr. Garrison: It's over! We're free!
 * Officer Barbrady: Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
 * Uncle Jimbo: Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.
 * Mayor McDaniels: But how will we live with ourselves now?
 * Ned: One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.
 * [Schubert's 'Ave Maria' plays as the camera zooms back]
 * Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?

 * Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?
 * Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?
 * Cartman: AGH, FORGET IT!

Chickenlover [2.03]

 * [Officer Barbarady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]
 * Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.

 * Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.
 * Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!

 * Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
 * Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
 * Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
 * Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
 * Cartman: God damn it!!

 * Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
 * Kyle: Oh, no!
 * Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "Chicken Lover."
 * Mayor's assistant: This time, he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
 * Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

 * Randy Marsh: Uh...yes, officer?
 * Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?
 * Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
 * Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
 * Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
 * Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
 * Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
 * Cartman: Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!
 * Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
 * Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
 * Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck're you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
 * Cartman: Sweet.

Ike's Wee Wee [2.04]

 * Stan: Boo!
 * Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
 * Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.
 * Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.
 * Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.
 * [the boys laugh]

 * Man in Passing Car: Hey, Mackey, now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: "D'oh-pe" [laughs]

 * Mr. Mackey: I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!

 * Dr. Schwartz: His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.
 * Kyle: [horrified] No. No, it's not possible.
 * Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
 * Stan: Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.
 * Cartman: Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!

 * Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
 * Stan: Yeah!
 * Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
 * Stan: Naturally.
 * Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!

 * Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh, look, honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.

 * Cartman: The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.

Conjoined Fetus Lady [2.05]

 * [Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]
 * Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
 * Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!

 * Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in China.

 * Cartman: I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle stare at him] Ah, screw you guys..!

 * Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.

 * Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?

 * Chinese Announcer: It's number...aw, who cares. Arr Americans rook arike.

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka [2.6]

 * Stan: Ready, you guys?
 * Cartman/Kyle: Ready!
 * Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
 * Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
 * Stan: Cut! Cartman!
 * Cartman: What?
 * Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
 * Cartman: I know that!
 * Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
 * Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
 * Kyle: Der, Cartman!
 * Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
 * Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
 * Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
 * Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
 * Stan: Action!
 * Cartman: Screw you guys...

City on the Edge of Forever [2.7]

 * Mrs. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
 * Stan: Hey, Cartman!
 * Cartman:	What?
 * Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
 * Cartman:	[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.
 * Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
 * Cartman: Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
 * Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
 * Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
 * Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
 * Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
 * Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
 * Cartman:	[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
 * Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
 * Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
 * Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
 * Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
 * [the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
 * Mrs. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
 * Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
 * Cartman:	[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
 * Kyle: Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
 * Mrs. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
 * Kids: Aaggh!
 * Kyle: I'm scared!
 * Mrs. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!
 * [the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
 * All: Aggghhhh!

 * Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.
 * Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]

 * Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
 * Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!
 * Kyle: Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.
 * Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
 * Kyle: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."
 * Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.

Summer Sucks [2.8]

 * Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your summer going?
 * Stan: Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.
 * Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
 * Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
 * Stan: That's good.
 * Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
 * Kyle: Yep.
 * Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
 * Stan: Right.

 * [Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]
 * Toddler Stan: Oh gosh, killed Kenny!
 * Toddler Kyle: Oo bastoods!
 * [Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]

 * [Chef was vacationing on an island while the gargantuan firework snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all in Blackface]
 * Chef: Okay, everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

 * [The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
 * Jimbo: Holy crap, what the heck is that?
 * Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

 * [The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]
 * Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya. [hangs up, goes back to singing] 🎵 Simultaneous, you and me!'' 🎵
 * Kyle: What did he say?
 * Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
 * Cartman: Wow!
 * Kyle: How's that going to help?

 * [The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
 * Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
 * Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
 * Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
 * Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
 * Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
 * Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
 * Cartman: [his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls [2.9]

 * Cartman: No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

 * [from one of the independent films]
 * Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
 * Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
 * Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
 * Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

 * Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

 * Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Suck my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

 * [Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
 * Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!
 * Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
 * Chef: You're damn right.

 * Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.
 * [pause]
 * Kyle: Well?
 * Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Chickenpox [2.10]

 * Cartman: Aw, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
 * Stuart: Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!
 * Cartman: [mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.

 * Shelley: Serves you right, you little brat!
 * Stan: Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]
 * Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
 * [...]
 * Stan: I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!
 * Shelley: We're watching this!
 * Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

 * Kyle: Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
 * Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
 * Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
 * Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
 * Cartman: She what?!
 * Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
 * Cartman: That bitch! I'm going to go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
 * Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-boy, we're going to get them all back.

 * Randy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?
 * Dr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
 * Sharon: DIE!??
 * Dr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
 * Randy: Okay, well well, let's go look—
 * Dr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
 * Sharon: Oh God, no!!
 * Randy: I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
 * Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

 * [Gerald is reading Kyle's essay]
 * Kyle: [voiceover] "My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.
 * Gerald: WHAT!?
 * Kyle: [voiceover] If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End.
 * Gerald: Oh God, what have I done?

Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods [2.11]

 * Cartman: Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after he picks his nose]
 * Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
 * Cartman: GOD DAMN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!

Clubhouses [2.12]

 * Roy: Stan, you want to help me cut some firewood?
 * Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough to last twelve years!
 * Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? Let me love you! [normal] Now get your ass out here and help me!

 * Stan: You suck now, Cartman. And to be honest, If you want to play America vs. Bosnia, why don't you just play with Kenny.
 * Kyle: Yeah. I'll bet he would like it.
 * Cartman: That's fine! I like playing America vs. Bosnia with Kenny! I'll play with him every single day!
 * [Kenny laughs]
 * Cartman: What?

 * Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?
 * Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--
 * Sharon Marsh: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your god damn cookie!
 * [she leaves]
 * Stan: Okay.

 * Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
 * Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
 * Stan: Don't be a chicken dude, just close your eyes.
 * [Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
 * Kyle: Sick! Fucking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the tree house, Bebe stares]
 * Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!

 * [Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]
 * Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
 * Stan: No, I just--
 * Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
 * Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--
 * Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
 * Stan: But I didn't write the note!
 * Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
 * Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
 * Mr. Garrison: Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!
 * Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

 * Mr. Mackey: Now, young man, uh... ...school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
 * Stan: What's skylarkings?
 * Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.
 * Stan: Who?
 * [Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door and open Mr. Mackey's door]
 * Mr. Mackey: Oh, your parents are here.
 * [Randy and Sharon enter]
 * Stan: Oh, no.
 * Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
 * Randy: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
 * Mr. Mackey: Yeahm'kay?
 * Randy: Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
 * Sharon: Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
 * Stan: It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
 * Mr. Mackey: Okay, Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
 * Sharon: You really should know better, Stanley.
 * Randy: You need to shape up, mister.
 * Sharon: [To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I?--
 * Randy: [A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
 * Sharon: There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
 * Mr. Mackey: Okay, uh -- perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want you to be...
 * Randy: Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!

Cow Days [2.13]

 * [the boys have decided to enter Cartman into a bull riding contest]
 * Cartman: What the hell makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
 * Kyle: [throttling Cartman by his neck, through gritted-in-fury teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN!!!

 * Officer Barbrady: Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars get started.
 * Stan: Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
 * Officer Barbrady: Barbrady.
 * Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
 * Officer Barbrady: You said "Buttbaby".

Chef Aid [2.14]

 * Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!

 * Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!
 * Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.

 * [repeated line]
 * Record Exec: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

 * Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

 * Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]

Spookyfish [2.15]

 * Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
 * Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
 * Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
 * Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
 * Kyle: Why?
 * Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

 * Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
 * Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
 * Cartman: What the heck is that?
 * Kenny: It's all I could afford!

 * Evil Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends Through thick and thin, we've always been together Four of kind, having fun all day Palling around, and laughing away Just best friends, best friends are we! I love you, guys.

 * Kitty: Meow.
 * Cartman: No Kitty, this is my pot pie!
 * Kitty: Meow.
 * Cartman: NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY!!!
 * Evil Cartman: Who's my Kitty? Who's my Mr. Kitty? My fluffy old pal? Yes, that's a guy, that's my Mr. Kitty, yes.
 * Cartman: ... NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!!! [Kitty runs away, much to Evil Cartman's shock] Ha ha, you suck dude.

 * Randy: Sharon,
 * Sharon: Yes Hun?
 * Randy: There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.
 * Sharon: Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.
 * Randy: Why did you take his pants off?
 * Sharon  doesn't reply
 * Randy: ... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?

 * Cartman: [singing] You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!
 * Kyle: Damn it!

Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! [2.16]

 * Cartman: [coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
 * Kyle: Yeah, they do!
 * Stan: All families suck ass!

 * Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.

 * George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?

 * Kid: I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
 * Kyle: That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
 * Cartman: How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
 * Elvin: Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
 * Cartman: And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
 * Kyle: So?
 * Cartman: So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
 * Kyle: Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
 * Manson: [to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
 * Kenny: (Okay) [they walk off]
 * Stan: I really like that guy.
 * Cartman: Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.
 * [Elvin looks at his hands and actually realize that he finished his fudgesicle, then begins to cry, demanding another one]
 * Cartman: Ah damnit, be quiet, Elvin!
 * [Elvin is still crying]
 * Cartman: Shut up, Elvin!
 * [grabs a stick from out of nowhere and hits him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink]
 * Cartman: No, Elvin, BAD Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]

Gnomes [2.17]

 * Stan: Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so...
 * Tweek [anxiously twitching]: Uuuunnnnhh! Unh, unh, unh, ur-hmm! Urr-hmm-hmm!

 * Tweek: Aah!! Too much pressure!!
 * Stan: Great. Lotta help you are, kid.
 * Tweek: The Gnomes!
 * Stan: What?
 * Tweek: We can do our report on the Gnomes.

 * Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!

 * Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
 * Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!

 * [Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
 * Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
 * Kenny: Fuck you!
 * Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.

 * [An Underpants Gnomes's cart has just flattened Kenny]
 * Stan: [rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
 * Kyle: [same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
 * Underpants Gnome: Holy shoot, we killed your friend!
 * Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got to know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
 * Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!

 * Kyle: Shh. Don't scare him.
 * Stan: Hey, there, little guy.
 * Cartman: BAD. [hits the Underpants Gnome with a stick]
 * Kyle: Cartman!
 * Cartman: What?!
 * Kyle: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
 * Cartman: Well look at him. He's all... look at him. [hits the Gnome with the stick again]
 * Underpants Gnome: Is that all you got, pussy?
 * Cartman: What?!
 * Stan: Hey, he talked!

 * Gnome: Not much longer now....
 * Cartman: Oh, you're taking us to your little pussy house?
 * Gnome: No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village!
 * Cartman: Oh, your pussy village?
 * Stan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?

Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18]

 * Stan: Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!
 * Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
 * Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
 * Stan: Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!
 * Cartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!

 * Australian Outback Guy: [examining dirt] I think he came through here recently.
 * Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.
 * Government Agent 1: Well where the heck is he? We have to get him back to the lab!
 * Dr. Mephisto: He can't function out here in our time!
 * Australian Outback Guy: Calm down, calm down!
 * Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!

 * Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!

 * Kyle: [about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!
 * Stan: His name is Gorak!
 * Larry: My name is Larry.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: South Park/Season 2


text:
South Park/Season 3

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Rainforest Schmainforest [3.1]

 * Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?
 * Miss Stevens: Excuse me?
 * Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
 * Kyle: SHUT UP, FAT ASS!
 * Stan: Choirs suck!
 * Mr. Garrison: Whoa. KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh] Go ahead.
 * Miss Stevens: Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rain forest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.
 * Cartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]
 * Mr. Garrison: ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

 * Mr. Mackey: I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!
 * Craig: I know.
 * Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
 * Craig: ..I don't know.
 * Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself? [beat] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig flips off] Did you just flip me off?
 * Craig: [lowering his middle finger] No.
 * Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig flips off again] There! You just flipped me off again!
 * Craig: No, I didn't.
 * Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.
 * Kyle: Hey, Craig.
 * Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

 * Stan: Ah! A snake!
 * Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.
 * Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!
 * Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.

 * Stan: Ahhhhhh!
 * Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?
 * Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]
 * Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
 * [Stan screams and runs away]
 * Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
 * Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?
 * Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.
 * Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
 * [snake chokes Pablo to death]
 * Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!
 * [snake starts to eat Pablo]
 * Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, alright.
 * [snake continues to eat Pablo]
 * Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he dead?
 * [snake excretes remains of Pablo]
 * Stan: Dude!
 * Kyle: My guess would be yes.
 * Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now, don't panic, children...
 * Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]

 * Kelly: [to Kenny] Lenny, can I tell you something?
 * Kenny: Uh-huh?
 * Kelly: I think I like you.
 * Kenny: Really?
 * Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.
 * Kenny: Wow, that's great!
 * Kelly: No, that's not great.
 * Kenny: That's not great?
 * Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends, we'll never see each other again, and I'm only going to get my heart broken! I just can't get feelings for you! I just can't, Lenny!
 * Kenny: [frustrated] Awwwww!

 * Cartman: Mister! You got to help me, I'm starving to death!
 * Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?
 * Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast...!
 * Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?
 * Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [collapses]
 * Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!
 * Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.
 * Worker: Chicken wings!
 * Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

 * Kelly: [crying] Oh, stop! I want to go home! I hate the rain forest!
 * Kenny: [stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.
 * Kelly: Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
 * Kenny: [frustrated] Aw, FUCK YOU!

 * Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. [moves over to cuddle Kenny. Kelly attempts pick her nose, which proves difficult because she is tied up]

 * Kelly: Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.
 * Kenny: Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]
 * Kelly: Lenny! No!
 * Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
 * Kyle: You bastards!
 * Kelly: What? Who killed him?
 * Stan: Uh, they did.
 * Kelly: Who's "they"?
 * Stan: You know, they.
 * Kyle: They're, they're bastards.
 * Kelly: Well, don't just stand there, help him.
 * Kyle: Help him?
 * Kelly: Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]
 * Kyle: [shocked] Whoa, dude!

 * Stan: Ms. Stevens, you have a bug on your back.
 * Miss Stevens: Oh, could you swat it off? [turns around to reveal giant fly on her back]
 * Stan: No...

 * Miss Stevens: Alright, that does it! God damn, stupid ass rain forest! This place fucking sucks! I was wrong! Fuck the rain forest! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!

 * Cartman: (whacking a squirrel monkey with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!
 * Miss Stevens: Eric, what the heck are you doing?!
 * Cartman: I'm asserting myself through tough love, just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad, I say "that's a bad Mr. Kitty", and I smack him on the head.

 * Cartman (whacking a three toed sloth with a stick) Bad! That's a bad three toed sloth!
 * Miss Stevens: Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!
 * Cartman: (throws the stick at the sloth) Respect my authoritah!

Spontaneous Combustion [3.2]

 * Kyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
 * Pedestrian: What?
 * Kenny: (muffled speech)
 * Cartman: Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?
 * Kenny [muffled]: Yeah, dude. She saved me.
 * Cartman: Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--
 * [Kenny's body spontaneously ignites and quickly turns to ashes, surprising Cartman, Stan, and Kyle]

 * Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
 * Kyle: You bastards!
 * Cartman: What the hell happened to him?
 * Stan: He just...ignited.

 * Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?

 * Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

 * Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!

 * Stan: What are you doing, Dad?
 * Randy: Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
 * Stan: No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!
 * Randy: He he he! Really?

 * Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
 * Randy: Or else what?
 * Mayor: Exactly!

 * Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

 * Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
 * Stan: The what?
 * Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
 * Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

 * Stan: Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
 * Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

 * Cartman: I'm going to be Jesus!
 * Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
 * Cartman: Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!
 * Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
 * Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!
 * Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
 * Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
 * Kyle: All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
 * Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

 * [Randy's dream]
 * [The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
 * Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
 * Man: We love you, Randy.
 * Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!

 * Chef: I got something to tell you.
 * Cartman: What?
 * Chef: You're not gonna like it.
 * Cartman: What?
 * Chef: It's really going to piss you off.
 * Cartman: What?
 * Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
 * Cartman: [wakes up] Goddammit!

 * Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!
 * Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?

 * Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!

 * [after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]
 * Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
 * Man: We love you, Randy.
 * Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!

 * Cartman: Officer Barbrady!
 * [Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]
 * Officer Barbrady: Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]

The Succubus [3.3]

 * Mr. Derp: Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

 * Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
 * Chef: Damn right, Garrison!

 * Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
 * Woman at front desk: Chef?
 * Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.
 * Stan: And a chef's hat.
 * Kenny: And a real huge dick.
 * Woman at front desk: Oh, the black guy.
 * Stan: huh?

 * Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
 * Stan: You're Chef's parents?
 * Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
 * Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
 * Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
 * Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
 * Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
 * Stan: No, that's okay.
 * Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
 * Chef's Mother: We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"
 * Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
 * Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
 * Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
 * [long pause]
 * Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
 * Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.
 * Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
 * Stan: He wanted money?
 * Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
 * Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
 * Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
 * Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
 * Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

 * Priest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
 * Chef: I do!
 * Chef's Mother: Aah, my baby's getting married!
 * Priest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?

Tweek vs. Craig [3.4]

 * Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!

 * [After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]
 * Mr. Adler: Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!

 * Cartman: I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
 * Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]
 * Cartman: [surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
 * Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
 * Cartman: Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.
 * Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

 * [Tweek and Craig are wrestling each other]
 * Mr. Adler: Don't screw around!
 * [Kenny clings to the jigsaw to avoid getting hurt by Tweek and Craig]
 * Mr. Adler: Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!
 * [Kenny's parka gets caught in the spinning blade, causing him to get flung into a box of rusty nails]
 * Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
 * Kyle: You bastards!

 * Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
 * Home EC. teacher: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home EC.

 * Home EC. teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
 * Mr. Adler: Why?
 * Home EC. teacher: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
 * Mr. Adler: Oh, well, uh, I can't. I left the oven on.
 * Home EC. teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
 * Mr. Adler: I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]
 * Home EC. teacher: We'll use plastic wrap.
 * Mr. Adler:Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face]

Jakovasaurs [3.5]

 * Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
 * Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
 * [From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]
 * Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
 * Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.
 * Jakov: [pause] Whooooo, Niners!

 * Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

 * Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
 * Cartman: [disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?
 * Department of Interior Guy: That's right, and people must respect it.
 * Cartman: Well, that should be fine—just fine.
 * Department of Interior Guy: Fine, just fine.
 * Cartman: Fine.

 * Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
 * Ned: [in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?
 * Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
 * Ned: [still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?

 * Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

 * [The boys are camping by the pond]
 * Cartman: Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called "I hate you guys." [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!

Sexual Harassment Panda [3.6]

 * Sexual Harassment Panda Song:
 * Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
 * Sexual Harassment… Panda!
 * Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
 * Sexual Harassment… Panda!
 * Don't say that, don't touch there…
 * Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
 * He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
 * Sexual Harassment… Panda!

 * Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment
 * Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?
 * Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.

 * Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws.  These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
 * Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
 * Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
 * Kyle: Do you?

 * Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

 * Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

 * Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.
 * Bartender: Now, Skeeter, he isn't hurting nobody.
 * Skeeter: No! I want to know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

 * Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Hoppy the 'don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

 * Worm: Hello there, boys.
 * Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
 * Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
 * Boys: Yes.
 * Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
 * Stan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.
 * Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
 * Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
 * Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Cat Orgy [3.7]

 * Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!

 * Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.

 * Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
 * Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
 * Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
 * Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
 * Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.

 * Skyler: I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!
 * Cartman (as he's swinging from the coat rack, holding his ears): Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
 * Skyler: Hey, shut up, Tubby!
 * Cartman: Don't call me fat! Now you guys are not supposed to be in nyah! You get out now and respect mah authoritah!

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub [3.8]

 * Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
 * Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

 * Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
 * Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

 * Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

 * Butters: Oh dear God, they're going to set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we going to do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

 * Pip: We were just playing a game called Wicker-shams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
 * Stan: No.
 * Pip: I'm the head Wicker-knicker. And you are all little Wicker-shams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Hurrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

 * Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

 * ATF Agent: We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Jewbilee [3.9]

 * Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.

 * Kyle: He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?
 * Moses: No cake for the impurity!

 * Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
 * Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
 * Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
 * Elder Schwartz: You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!

Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery [3.10]

 * Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
 * Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

 * Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
 * Kyle: Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.
 * Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
 * Stan: Christmas?
 * Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.

 * Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
 * Cartman: Cool!
 * Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
 * Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
 * Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
 * Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
 * Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
 * Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

 * Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!
 * Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
 * Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
 * Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
 * Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
 * Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
 * Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
 * Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
 * Cartman: God damn it, Mom!

 * Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
 * Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
 * Voice: Hi, Kyle.
 * Kyle: [hops back] Aah!
 * Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
 * Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
 * Stan: [chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

 * Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

 * Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
 * Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
 * Blond: Yep.
 * Sheila: What?!
 * Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
 * Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
 * Sheila: Oh, dear God!
 * Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
 * Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.
 * Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
 * Sheila: Ooh!
 * Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
 * Blond: Brace yourself.
 * Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
 * Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!
 * Brunet: Do?
 * Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
 * Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

 * Jonathan Davis: Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
 * David: They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
 * Jonathan Davis: Huh?
 * David: "Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
 * Munky: No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
 * Fieldy: You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
 * Jonathan Davis: But that makes them pirate ghosts.
 * David: No, it makes them ghost pirates.
 * Munky: Pirate ghosts!
 * Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
 * Jonathan Davis: Pirate ghosts.

 * Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
 * Stan: How do we split up?
 * Jonathan Davis: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
 * All of Korn: OK!
 * Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Chinpokomon [3.10]

 * Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
 * Stan: Juuhachi desu ka?
 * Class: Juuhachi da ne!
 * Mr. Garrison: No, goddamn it, it's 18!
 * Stan: Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
 * Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
 * Cartman: Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.
 * Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!
 * Stan: He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.
 * Class: Sou desu nee!
 * Mr. Garrison: Damn it, this is not Japan!
 * Cartman: Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]
 * Wendy: Dare ga pu shita no.
 * Mr. Garrison: ARRGGHHH!!!

Hooked on Monkey Fonics [3.11]

 * Mayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]
 * Cartman: [whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
 * Mayor: Eric, your word is "chair".
 * Cartman: Uh...definition?
 * Mayor: Something you sit on.
 * Cartman: Country of origin?
 * Mayor: English.
 * Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
 * Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!
 * Cartman: Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!

 * Kyle: You got my note?
 * Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?
 * Kyle: Can we sit down?
 * Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
 * Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?
 * Rebecca: I have looked at it.
 * Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
 * Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
 * Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
 * Rebecca: What else would one do?
 * Kyle: Love, for one thing.
 * Rebecca: And what is love?
 * Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
 * Rebecca: What means this kiss?
 * Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
 * Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
 * Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
 * Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?
 * Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
 * Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.
 * Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]
 * Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]
 * Kyle: Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
 * Rebecca: You bet your sweet ass I will.

Starvin' Marvin in Space [3.13]

 * Stan: This is great!
 * Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
 * [Marvin turns off theme music]
 * Stan: Yeah, that's better.

 * Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
 * Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!

 * Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
 * Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
 * Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
 * Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
 * A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
 * Chief-Marklar: See!

 * Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

 * Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
 * Chief-Marklar: [slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics [3.15]

 * Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
 * Gerald: [singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
 * Kyle: Dad? [Cartman stops]
 * Gerald: Courtney Cox,
 * Kyle: Dad.
 * Gerald: I- huh? [stops singing]
 * Kyle: We're singing about a dreidel.
 * Gerald: [stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
 * Sheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!

Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus [3.16]

 * Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
 * Jesus: What?
 * Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
 * Jesus: Poo pants?
 * Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
 * Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
 * Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
 * Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
 * Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

 * Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
 * Jesus: Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
 * [A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
 * Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
 * Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
 * God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?
 * Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

World Wide Recorder Concert [3.17]

 * Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
 * Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
 * Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
 * Patrons: [wondering] Woo, yeah.
 * Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
 * Patron 1: Yeah.
 * Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
 * Patron 3: Hmm.
 * Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
 * Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
 * Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
 * Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
 * Patron 7: Yep.
 * Patron 8: Me, too.
 * Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
 * Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.
 * Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?
 * Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
 * Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
 * Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
 * Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
 * Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
 * Patron 1: Yeah.
 * Patron 3: Sure.
 * Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
 * Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.

 * Reporter: Some even crapped themselves to death while others ruined a pair of good pants!

title: South Park/Season 3