text:
Vinayak Damodar Savarkar

Vinayak Damodar Savarkar (May 28, 1883 – February 26, 1966) was an Indian freedom fighter, pro-independence activist, politician as well as a poet, writer and playwright. He advocated dismantling the system of caste in Hindu culture, and reconversion of the converted Hindus back to Hindu religion. Savarkar coined the term Hindutva (Hinduness) to create a collective "Hindu" identity as an "imagined nation". His political philosophy had the elements of Utilitarianism, Rationalism and Positivism, Humanism and Universalism, Pragmatism and Realism.

Quotes

 * The world was peopled by robber nations, and there was nothing to choose between one robber and another, except when India stood to gain by such choice. In such a world it was foolish to talk of moral force and force of world public opinion.
 * V. D. Savarkar, "Need For Opportunism in India's Foreign Relations." The Indian Express, 2 August 1938, p. 5.

 * Let it be known that our country can never be liberated until and unless England is involved in a world war and it's military power is shaken.
 * V. D. Savarkar, "Need For Opportunism in India's Foreign Relations." The Indian Express, 2 August 1938, p. 5.

 * One of the most important components of such injunctions of the past that we have blindly carried on and which deserves to be thrown in the dustbins of history is the rigid caste system. This system has vivisected our Hindu society into so many micro-fragments, forever at war with one another. From temples, streets, houses, jobs, village councils, to institutions of law and legislature, it has only injected a spectre of eternal conflict between two Hindus; weakened our unity and resolve to stand united against any external threats. It is one of the biggest impediments in the conception of a Hindu Rashtra.
 * V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * The practice of untouchability is a sin, a blot on humanity, and nothing can justify it. Consider only that untouchable which is injurious to one’s health, not fellow human beings. Unshackling this one foolish fetter would bring crores of our Hindu brethren into the mainstream. They would serve the country in various capacities and defend her honour.
 * V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * The folly of disallowing reconversions to Hinduism is a self-destructive one. How easily Hindus converting to Islam or Christianity merge in their new milieu. Yet the same facility is not available to a non-Hindu who might earnestly wish to return to his or her fold or adopt Hinduism as a matter of faith. This shackle seriously depletes our numbers and makes the Hindu community a ready preying ground for the conversion factories that are always looking at swelling their numbers, many times by stealth or inducements. I have nothing against those who convert to another faith by sheer conviction. But such examples are rare. Why should we not allow the enhancement of our numbers due to some antiquated idea that does not even have any scriptural sanction that we cannot convert to Hinduism?
 * V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * While it is nice to describe a beautiful rose in full bloom, it would be incomplete without a description of everything—right from its roots, the stem, the manure and nutrients that have sustained it, the fresh and dried leaves as also the thorns, in order to conceptualize the beauty of that rose in all its dimensions. Likewise, for a human being’s biography, he needs to be presented ‘as is’ and not ‘as should be’—from head to toe, nothing more, nothing less, as transparent and true to reality as one can be. Everything that can be said or unsaid, that is embarrassing or praiseworthy has to be documented without inhibitions and fears. ... Still, I hold a promise that I have revealed all that needs to be revealed, with the least of colours and bias from my side.
 * V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * ‘By annihilating the wicked I lightened the great weight on the globe. I delivered the country by establishing Swarajya and by saving religion. I betook myself to shake off the great exhaustion which had come upon me. I was asleep, why then, did you my darlings awaken me?’
 * English translation. From the poem ‘Shivaji’s Utterances’ (and signed ‘mark of the Bhawani Sword’) which appeared in the editorial columns of the Kesari . V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * Till now we Maharashtrians kept saying that Shivaji Utsav is only a historical commemoration and it has no political colour. But the festival that we have organized here in Nashik is both historical and political. Only those people, who have the capability to struggle for the freedom of their country just like Shivaji Maharaj, have the real right to organize and celebrate a festival commemorating his memory. Our main objective must therefore be to strive towards breaking the shackles of colonial rule. If our only aims are finding solace in foreign rule, earning fat salaries, be peaceful negotiators with the government on inconsequential issues such as lowering taxes, diluting some laws here and there, and secure ourselves enough to eat, lead comfortable lives, earn pensions and privileges—then this Utsav is not for you or for Shivaji, but that of the last Peshwa Baji Rao who capitulated to British might! Here we are invoking the god of revolution, Shivaji Maharaj, so that he may inspire and instil that energy in all of us. Depending on circumstances our means might change, but the end is non-negotiable and that end is total and complete freedom for our motherland.
 * From a speech by V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * (Oh Shivaji! This land of the Aryans has been repeatedly attacked by the Mlechchha s (non-Indians). Please wake up! This land is calling for your help. Are you unable to hear that pleading tone of this motherland? Is it not piercing your heart?)
 * English translation. From a poem by V. D. Savarkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * (Victory to you, Oh! Ever Auspicious, munificent and holy Mother! Oh! Glorious Goddess of Freedom! I seek your blessings for success. You are the embodiment of our national spirit, morality and accomplishments You are the Queen of Righteousness, Oh! Goddess of Freedom! In these dark skies of enslavement, you are the bright beacon and star of hope. The flowery cheeks of people and the fields of blossoms, You are that blush of confidence, Oh! Goddess of Freedom! You are the radiance of the Sun, the solemnity of the oceans! Oh! Goddess of Freedom! But for you, the sun of freedom is eclipsed. Oh! Goddess of Freedom! You are the face of eternal happiness and liberation, This is why sages hail you as the supreme consciousness, in our scriptures. Oh! Goddess of Freedom! All that is ideal and lofty, magnificent and sweet! Is associated only with you. Stained with the blood of the evildoers whom you destroy, nurturing the righteous! Life is to die for you! Death is to live without you! The entire creation surrenders unto you, Oh! Goddess of Freedom!)
 * English translation. From the 1903 poem ‘Hymn to Liberty’, still popular across India as the iconic song ‘Jayostute’, also in a song by Lata Mangeshkar, set to tune by her brother, Hridaynath Mangeshkar, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * Vande Mataram (Salutations to the Mother!) In the name of God, In the name of Bharat Mata, In the name of all the martyrs that have shed their blood for Bharat Mata, By the love innate in all men and women, that I bear to the land of my birth, Wherein lie the sacred ashes of my forefathers, and which is the cradle of my children. By the tears of the countless mothers for their children whom the foreigner has enslaved, imprisoned, tortured and killed, Convinced that without Absolute Political Independence or Swarajya my country can never rise to the exalted position among the nations of the earth which is Her due, And convinced also that that Swarajya can never be attained except by the waging of a bloody and relentless war against the Foreigner, solemnly and sincerely swear that I shall from this moment do everything in my power to fight for Independence and place the Lotus Crown of Swaraj on the head of my Mother; And with this object, I join the Abhinav Bharat, the Revolutionary Society of all Hindustan, and swear that I shall ever be true and faithful to this, my solemn Oath, and that I shall obey the orders of this organization (body); If I betray the whole or any part of this solemn Oath, or if I betray this organization (body) or any other working with a similar object, May I be doomed to the fate of a perjurer!
 * From an oath used by members of the Mitra Mela, quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * Oh Ocean, take me back to my Motherland! My soul in so much torment be! Lapping worshipfully at my mother’s feet So always I saw you Let us visit other Lands to see The abounding nature, said you. Seeing my Mother’s heart full of qualms A sacred oath you did give to her, Knowing the way home, upon your back My speedy return you promised her. Fell for your promise did I! That worldly-wise n’ able be I Her deliverance better serve do I Upon returning, so saying I left her. Oh Ocean, my soul in so much torment be! Like a parrot in a cage, like a deer in a trap— Oh so duped am I Parting from my mother for ever— Besieged by darkness am I! Flowers of virtue gather did I That blessed by their fragrance she be. Bereft from service for her deliverance My learning a futile burden it be, The love of her mango trees, oh! The beauty of her blossoming vines, oh! Her tender budding rose, oh! Oh forever lost is her garden to me, Oh Ocean, my soul in so much torment be! Stars abound in the heavens above, but Only the star of Bharat-land love I Here are found plush palaces, but Only my mother’s humble hut love I What care I for a kingdom without Her? Ever exile in her forests choose I. Deception is futile now, say I Let you not be spared, vow I Suffer the same pangs, cry I Of parting with the dearest of your rivers! Oh Ocean, my soul in so much torment be! Oh Ye of Foaming Surf, pitilessly you mock! Why go back on your word, oh! Why deceive my helpless mother, Oh why condemn me to exile so! Was it in fear of England Who flaunts her mastery over you so? Fearsome though England may be, O My Mother is not feeble so Tell all about Sage Agastya she will, lo Who in one gulp your waters drank! Oh Ocean, my soul in so much torment be!
 * English translation. From a a poem Ne majasi ne parat matrubhoomila, sagara, prana, talamalalaa, it was set to music and sung by Lata Mangeshkar, Asha Bhosle, Meena Mangeshkar and Hridyanath Mangeshkar.., quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * Come, Death! If really thou hast started already to come—welcome! These flowers may tremble to fade away, These juicy grapes to wither, But why should I fear Thee? I have but these wines of tears that fill my cup to offer Thee And which I thought over-drinking cannot exhaust; Come if that be acceptable to Thee!
 * English translation. From a a poem, ‘On the Death-Bed’ (Maranonmukh Shayyevar )., quoted in    Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * “He who gives up verbosity and acts as per the principle of ‘irrespective of whether others do it or not, as far as I am concerned, I will practice reform on a daily basis’ alone is a true reformer.”
 * (‘Hindutvache panchapran’ or The Spirit of Hindutva; Samagra Savarkar Vangmaya, edited by SR Date, Vol. 3, p.75). Quoted from

 * Every person is a Hindu who regards and owns this Bharat Bhumi, this land from the Indus to the seas, as his Fatherland as well as Holyland, i.e. the land of the origin of his religion (…) Consequently the so-called aboriginal or hill tribes also are Hindus: because India is their Fatherland as well as their Holyland of whatever form of religion or worship they follow.
 * V.D. Savarkar: Hindu Rashtra Darshan. p. 77.

 * The epitaph of an RSS man will be: he was born, went to shakha, and died.
 * Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2014). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p. 256

 * The name " Hindustan " must continue to be the appellation of our country. Such other names as India, Hind, etc., being derived from the same original word Sindhu may be used but only to signify the same sense—die land of the Hindus, a country which is the abode of the Hindu Nation. Aryavarta, Bharat-Bhumi and such other names are of course the ancient and the most cherished epithets of our Mother Land and will continue to appeal to the cultured elite. In this insistence that the Mother Land of the Hindus must be called but " Hindustan ", no encroachment or humiliation is implied in connection with any of our non-Hindu countrymen. Our Parsee and Christian countrymen are already too akin to us culturally and are too patriotic and the Anglo-indians too sensible to refuse to fall in line with us Hindus on so legitimate a ground.
 * V.D. Savarkar quoted from B.R. Ambedkar, Pakistan or The Partition of India (1946)

 * "The Sanskrit shall be our " Deva Bhasha)" our sacred language and the "Sanskrit Nishtha" Hindi, the Hindi which is derived from Sanskrit and draws its nourishment from the latter, is our ' 'mr' ' (Rashtra Bhasha) 12 [f.12] our current national language—-besides being the richest and the most cultured of the ancient languages of the world, to us Hindus the Sanskrit is the holiest tongue of tongues. Our scriptures, history, philosophy and culture have their roots so deeply imbedded in the Sanskrit literature that it forms veritably the brain of our Race. Mother of the majority of our mother tongues, she has suckled the rest of them at her breast. All Hindu languages current today whether derived from Sanskrit or grafted on to it can only grow and flourish on the sap of life they imbibe from Sanskrit. The Sanskrit language therefore must ever be an indispensable constituent of the classical course for Hindu youths.
 * V.D. Savarkar quoted from B.R. Ambedkar, Pakistan or The Partition of India (1946)

 * Religion is a mighty motive force. So is rapine. But where religion in goaded on by rapine and rapine serves as a handmaid to religion, the propelling force that is generated by these together is only equalled by the profundity of human misery and devastation they leave behind them in their march. Heaven and Hell making a common case - such were the forces, overwhelmingly furious, that took India by surprise the day that Mahmud Ghaznavi crossed the Indus and invaded her.
 * 1923. Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (1992). Negationism in India: Concealing the record of Islam.

 * “The Hindu Sanghanists Party aims to base the future constitution of Hindustan on the broad principle that all citizens should have equal rights and obligations irrespective of caste or creed, race or religion, provided they avow and owe an exclusive and devoted allegiance to the Hindustani State. The fundamental rights of liberty of speech, liberty of conscience, of worship, of association, etc., will be enjoyed by all citizens alike. Whatever restrictions will be imposed on them in the interest of the public peace and order of National emergency will not be based on any religious or racial considerations alone but on common National grounds.”... “No attitude can be more National even in the territorial sense than this and it is this attitude in general which is expressed in substance by the curt formula ‘one man one vote’. This will make it clear that the conception of a Hindu Nation is in no way inconsistent with the development of a common Indian Nation, a united Hindustani State in which all sects and sections, races and religions, castes and creeds, Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Anglo-Indians, etc., could be harmoniously welded together into a political State on terms of perfect equality.”...“But as practical politics require it, and as the Hindu Sanghanists want to relieve our non-Hindu countrymen of even a ghost of suspicion, we are prepared to emphasise that the legitimate rights of minorities with regard to their religion, culture and language will be expressly guaranteed: on one condition only that the equal rights of the majority also must not in any case be encroached upon or abrogated. Every minority may have separate schools to train up their children in their own tongue, their own religious or cultural institutions and can receive Government help also for these, but always in proportion to the taxes they pay into the common Exchequer. The same principle must, of course, hold good in case of the majority too.”
 * Quoted from Time For A New Generation Of Scholars To Study Savarkar

 * After winning the final battle, when the Muslims rushed violently, like a stormy wind, through Sindh, they went on beheading these Buddhists even more ruthlessly than they did the Vedic Hindus. For, the Vedic Hindus were fighting in groups or individually at every place and so they struck at least a little awe and terror in the minds of the Muslims. But as there was no armed opposition in Buddhist Vihars and Buddhist localities, the Muslims cut them down as easily as they would cut vegetable.
 * V.D. Savarkar: Six glorious Epochs, p.136. (-: Six Glorious Epochs of Indian History. Veer Savarkar Prakashan, Bombay 1985 (1963).)

 * These our well-meaning but unthinking friends take their dreams for realities. That is why they are impatient of communal tangles and attribute them to communal organizations. But the solid fact is that the so-called communal questions are but a legacy handed down to us by centuries of a cultural, religious and national antagonism between the Hindus and the Moslems. When time is ripe you can solve them; but you cannot suppress them by merely refusing recognition of them. It is safer to diagnose and treat deep-seated disease than to ignore it. Let us bravely face unpleasant facts as they are. India cannot be assumed today to be a unitarian and homogeneous nation, but on the contrary there are two nations in the main; the Hindus and the Moslems, in India. And as it has happened in many countries under similar situation in the world the utmost that we can do under the circumstances is to form an Indian State in which none is allowed any special weightage of representation and none is paid an extra-price to buy his loyalty to the State. Mercenaries are paid and bought off, not sons of the Motherland to fight in her defence.
 * V.D. Savarkar: Hindu Rashtra Darshan, quoted in part in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.332

 * The day Hindus get united, the Congress leaders will wear janeu over the coat.
 * V.D. Savarkar: Samagra Savarkar vol. VIII p 485

 * Our organization is not against you or anybody else. It is only for self-defence and protection against any kind of atrocity that we might face now or in future. As long as the Hindu sangathan movement is not violent, aggressive, usurping of your rights, property or life and as long as it stands for truth and self-protection, why should anyone have a grouse with it? As long as all these communal movements and missions of Aga Khan, Hasan Nizami or Khilafat carry on; as along as thousands of Hindus are forcibly coerced and converted; as long as Urdu newspapers openly proclaim the agenda to mass-convert Hindus in the next 5–10 years, advising Hindus to give up any attempts to organize and protect themselves for the sake of some mirage that you call national unity is utter hypocrisy. ...Our movement is not only not anti-Muslim, it has no angst against any community—Christian, Jew, Parsi or whoever else. Our movement believes that you have every right to organize yourself as a community. Just stop being aggressive predators. We have no such intentions and want to peacefully coexist with you in this country, which belongs to all of us. Just as Islam and Christianity proselytize a faith that they dearly believe to be the only true word, we Hindus too have a right to propagate a faith that we have come to believe for thousands of years and for generations—and that too not with a knife held to someone’s throat. We are organizing ourselves only to protect our community from any aggression. Self-protection is the natural right of any society. With no concern for religions, and believing in universal humanity, our movement believes in holding hands with everyone on the basis of One God, One Church, One Language, One prayer and the sanctity of our motherland.
 * quoted in Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * To our Muhammadan readers, however, a word of explanation is needed. The duty of a historian is primarily to depict as far as possible the feelings, motives, emotions and actions of the actors themselves whose deed he aims to relate. This he cannot do faithfully and well, unless he, for the time being, rids himself not only of all prejudices and prepossessions, but even of the fears of the consequences the story of the past might be calculated to have on the interests of the present. That latter end he should try to serve by any other means than the falsification or exaggeration or underestimation of the intentions and actions of the past. A writer on the life of (Prophet) Muhammad, for example, would be wanting in his duty; if he tries to smoothen down the fierce attacks on ‘Idolatry’ and the dreadful threats held before the ‘Unbelievers’ by that heroic Arab, only to ingratiate himself with the sentiments of those of his fellow-countrymen or readers who do not belong to the Moslem persuasion. He should try to do that by being himself more tolerant, or even by drawing a moral more in consonance with reason and freedom of thought and worship, if he can honestly do so, after he has faithfully recounted the story of that life with all its uncompromising episodes. If he cannot do that, he had better give up the thought of writing the life of Muhammad altogether. Just as this responsibility lies on the shoulder of an honest biographer of Muhammad, there is a corresponding obligation on the part of those of his readers who do not fully, or at all, contribute to the teaching of Muhammad, which they owe to the writer. They too ought to know that an author, who in the discharge of his duties as a historian of yesterday, of Muhammad or Babar or Aurangzeb, depicts their aspirations and deeds in all their moods, fierce or otherwise, faithfully, and even gloriously or appreciatingly (sic), need not necessarily be wanting in the discharge of his duties as a citizen of today, may even be most kindly disposed to his fellow-countrymen or fellowmen of other religious persuasions or racial lineage. In dealing with that period of Hindu History when the Hindus were engaged in a struggle of life and death with the Muhammadan power, I have never played false to my duty of depicting the great actions and their causes in relation to their environments and expressing the sentiments of the actors almost in their own words, trying thus to discharge the duty of an author as faithfully as I could. Especially our Muhammadan countrymen, against the deeds of whose ancestors the history under review was a giant and mighty protest, which I hold justifiable, will try to read it without attributing, solely on that ground, any ill feeling to us towards our Muhammadan countrymen of this generation or towards the community itself as such. It would be as suicidal and as ridiculous to borrow the hostilities and combats of the past only to fight them out into the present, as it would be for a Hindu and a Muhammadan to lock each other suddenly in a death-grip while embracing, only because Shivaji and Afzulkhan had done so hundreds of years ago.
 * V.D. Savarkar, Hindu Pad Padashahi Madras: B.G. Paul & Co., 1925 quoted in Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * But, on the other hand, the brilliance of this ultimate hope ought not to dazzle our eyes into blindness towards the solid and imminent fact that men and groups, and races in the process to consolidation into larger social units have, under the stern law of nature, to get forged into that larger existence on the anvil of war through struggle and sacrifice. Therefore, before you make out a case for unity, you must make out a case for survival as a national or a social human unit. It was this fierce test that the Hindus were called upon to pass in their deadly struggle with the Muhammadan power. There could not be a honourable unity between a slave and his master. Had the Hindus failed to rise and prove their strength to seek retribution for the wrongs done to them as a nation and a race, even if the Muhammadans stretched out a hand of peace, it would have been an act of condescension and not of friendship, and the Hindus could not have honourably grasped it with that fervour and sincerity and confidence which a sense of equality alone breeds. But the colossal struggle which the Hindus waged with those who were then their foemen in the name of their Dev and Desh really paved the way to an honourable unity between the two combating giants.
 * 62.V.D. Savarkar, Hindu Pad Padashahi Madras: B.G. Paul & Co., 1925 quoted in Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * The Moslems in general and Indian Moslems in particular have not as yet grown out of the historical stage, of intense religiosity and the theological concept of state. Their theology and theocratical [sic] politics divide the human world into two groups only—The Moslem land and the enemy land. All lands which are either entirely inhabited by the Moslems or are ruled over by the Moslems are Moslem lands. All lands, which are mostly inhabited by non-Moslem power are enemy lands and no faithful Moslem is allowed to bear any loyalty to them and is called upon to do everything in his power by policy or force or fraud to convert the non-Moslem there to Moslem faith, to bring about its political conquest by a Moslem power. It is no good quoting sentences here or there from Moslem theological books to prove the contrary. Read the whole book to know its trend. And again it is not with books that we are concerned here but with the followers of the book and how they translate them in practice. You will then see that the whole Moslem history and their daily actions are framed on the design I have outlined above. Consequently, a territorial patriotism is a word unknown to the Moslem—nay is tabooed, unless in connection with a Moslem territory. Afghans can be patriots for Afghanisthan is a Moslem territory today. But an Indian Moslem if he is a real Moslem—and they are intensely religious as a people—cannot faithfully bear loyalty to India as a country, as a nation, as a State, because it is today ‘an Enemy Land’ and doubly lost; for non-Moslems are in a majority here and to boot it is not ruled by any Moslem power, Moslem sovereign. Add to this that of all non-Moslems the Hindus are looked upon as the most damned by Moslem theologians. For Christians and Jews are after all ‘Kitabis’, having the holy books partially in common. But the Hindus are totally ‘Kafirs’ as a consequence their land ‘Hindusthan’ is pre-eminently an ‘enemy’ and as long as it is not ruled by Moslems or all Hindus do not embrace Islam . . . What wonder then that the Muslim League should openly declare its intention to join hands with non-Indian alien Moslem countries rather than with Indian Hindus in forming a Moslem Federation? They could not be accused from their point of view of being traitors to Hindusthan. Their conscience was clear. They never looked upon our today’s ‘Hindusthan’ as their country, nation. It is to them already an alien land, and enemy land—‘a Dar-ul-Harb’ and not a ‘Dar-ul-Islam!!’
 * .V.D. Savarkar, Hindu Rashtra Darshan, 27ff, in Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * Blessed am I, blessed am I, I know of no duty now; Blessed am I, blessed am I, I have fulfilled what I wished to achieve.
 * in Marathi monthly Sahyadri, in July 1964. It was titled ‘Aatma Hatya aaNi Aatmaarpan’ (Suicide and Self-sacrifice), quoted from Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * Those who end their lives in a spirit of frustration, dissatisfaction or discontentment and cannot live happily even though they so wish are said to have committed ‘suicide’. But those who happily end their lives with the blessed sense of having fulfilled their life-mission or objective are said to have committed self-sacrifice. Though this changing and evolving earthly world can never be said to have achieved perfection, blessed souls voluntarily end their lives with the realization that they have nothing left to achieve or fulfill. They merge their mortal life into the immortal Universal Life. As the Yoga Vasishta says: ‘An empty pot is in reality filled with the sky, a pot immersed in the sea has sea both within and without; it is hence full within and without.’ With a feeling of self-satisfaction at having largely perfected their life-mission and rather than let their body become a burden to self and society, such souls renounce their bodies by entering a cave or fasting unto death or entering fire or water or enter a state of samadhi. Though their act may be grossly referred to as ‘willful termination of life’, it is only fitting that it should be referred glowingly as ‘self-sacrifice’.
 * in Marathi monthly Sahyadri, in July 1964. It was titled ‘Aatma Hatya aaNi Aatmaarpan’ (Suicide and Self-sacrifice), quoted from Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, A Contested Legacy, 1924-1966 (2021)

 * There is no reason to suppose that Hitler must be a human monster because he passes off as a Nazi or Churchill is a demi-God because he calls himself a Democrat. Nazism proved undeniably the saviour of Germany under the set of circumstances Germany was placed in…
 * 22nd Session of Hindu Mahasabha at Madura, 1940. Quoted in Shamsul Islam, RSS Primer: Based On Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh Documents (2010), p. 8.

 * Who are we to dictate to Germany, Japan or Russia or Italy to choose a particular form of policy of government simply because we woo it out of academical attraction? Surely Hitler knows better than Pandit Nehru does what suits Germany best. The very fact that Germany or Italy has so wonderfully recovered and grown so powerful as never before at the touch of Nazi or Fascist magical wand is enough to prove that those political "Isms" were the most congenial tonics their health demanded.
 * 22nd Session of Hindu Mahasabha at Madura, 1940. Quoted in Shamsul Islam, RSS Primer: Based On Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh Documents (2010), p. 8.

Essentials of Hindutva

 * Hindutva is not a word but a history. Not only the spiritual or religious history of our people as at times it is mistaken to be by being confounded with the other cognate term Hinduism, but a history in full. Hinduism is only a derivative, a fraction, a part of Hindutva. … Hindutva embraces all the departments of thoughts and activity of the whole Being of our Hindu race.
 * Hindutva: Who Is a Hindu? (fifth Edition, 1969), pp. 3-4.

 * Mohammedan or Christian communities possess all the essential qualifications of Hindutva but one and all that is that they do not look upon India as their holyland.
 * Their holyland is far off in Arabia or Palestine. Their mythology and Godmen, ideas and heroes are not the children of this soil. Consequently their names and their outlook smack of a foreign origin. Their love is divided.
 * Hindutva: Who Is a Hindu? (fifth Edition, 1969), p. 113. Quoted in Christophe Jaffrelot, The Hindu nationalist movement in India (1996), p. 31.

 * After all there is throughout this world so far as man is concerned but a single race - the human race, kept alive by one common blood, the human blood. All other talk is at best provisional, a makeshift and only relatively true. (...) Even as it is, not even the aborigines of the Andamans are without some sprinkling of the so-called Aryan blood in their veins and vice-versa. Truly speaking all that one can claim is that one has the blood of all mankind in one’s veins. The fundamental unity of man from pole to pole is true, all else only relatively so.
 * Hindutva, p. 90.

 * Down to the day of Harsha... intermarriages were the order of the day.
 * Hindutva, p 87

 * A Hindu marrying a Hindu may lose his caste, but not his Hindutva.
 * Hindutva, p 90

 * So of us are Brahmins and some Namashudras or Panchamas; but Brahmins or Chandalas, we are all Hindus and own a common blood.
 * p. 89

 * We yield to none in our love, admiration and respect for the Buddha-the Dharma-the Sangha. They are all ours. Their glories are ours and ours their failures.
 * Hindutva, p. 12.

 * We are all Hindus and own a common blood. Some of us are Jains and some Jangamas; but Jains or Jangamas—we are all Hindus and own a common blood. Some of us are monists, some, pantheists; some theists and some atheists. But monotheists or atheists—we are all Hindus and own a common blood. We are not only a nation, but a Jati, a born brotherhood. Nothing else counts, it is after all a question of heart. We feel that the same ancient blood that coursed through the veins of Ram and Krishna, Buddha and Mahavir, Nanak and Chaitanya, Basava and Madhava, of Rohidas and Tiruvelluvar courses throughout Hindudom from vein to vein, pulsates from heart to heart. We feel we are a JATI, a race bound together by the dearest ties of blood and therefore it must be so.

 * Our Gods spoke in Sanskrit; our sages thought in Sanskrit, our poets wrote in Sanskrit. All that is best in us—the best thoughts, the best ideas, the best lines—seeks instinctively to clothe itself in Sanskrit. To millions it is still the language of their Gods; to others it is the language of their ancestors; to all it is the language par excellence; a common inheritance, a common treasure that enriches all the family of our sister languages. 46

 * One who considers this vast stretch of land called Bharat From the Sindhu to the Sindhu (Indus to the Seas) as his fatherland (or land of one’s ancestors) and holy land is the one who will be termed and remembered as a Hindu.

 * Our patriotic and noble-minded sister (Sister Nivedita) had adopted our land from Sindu to the seas as her Fatherland. She truly loved it as such, and had our nation been free, we would have been the first to bestow the right of citizenship on such loving souls. So the first essential may, to some extent, be said to hold good in her case. The second essential of common blood of Hindu parentage must, nevertheless and necessarily, be absent in such cases as these. The sacrament of marriage with a Hindu, which really fuses and is universally admitted to do so, two beings into one, may be said to remove this disqualification. But although this second essential failed, either way to hold good in her case, the third important qualification of Hindutva did entitle her to be recognized as a Hindu. For, she had adopted our culture and come to adore our land as her Holyland [sic]. She felt, she was a Hindu and that is, apart from all technicalities, the real and the most important test. But we must not forget that we have to determine the essentials of Hindutva in the sense in which the word is actually used by an overwhelming majority of people. And therefore we must say that any convert of non-Hindu parentage to Hindutva can be a Hindu, if bona fide, he or she adopts our land as his or her country and marries a Hindu, thus coming to love our land as a real Fatherland, and adopts our culture and thus adores our land as the Punyabhu . The children of such a union as that would, other things being equal, be most emphatically Hindus.

 * “At last the great mission which the Sindhus had undertaken of founding a nation and a country, found and reached its geographical limit when the valorous Prince of Ayodhya made a triumphant entry in Ceylon and actually brought the whole land from the Himalayas to the Seas under one sovereign sway. The day when the Horse of Victory returned unchallenged and unchallengeable, the great white Umbrella of Sovereignty was unfurled over that Imperial throne of Ramchandra, the brave, Ramchandra the good, and a loving allegiance to him was sworn, not only by the Princes of Aryan blood, but Hanuman, Sugriva, Bibhishana from the south – that day was the real birth-day of our Hindu people.  It was truly our national day: for Aryans and Anaryans knitting themselves into a people were born as a nation.”

About V.D.Savarkar

 * "Strange as it may appear, Mr. Savarkar and Mr. Jinnah, instead of being opposed to each other on the one nation versus two nations issue, are in complete agreement about it. Both agree, not only agree but insist, that there are two nations in India—one the Muslim nation and the other the Hindu nation. They differ only as regards the terms and conditions on which the two nations should live. Mr. Jinnah says India should be cut up into two, Pakistan and Hindustan, the Muslim nation to occupy Pakistan and the Hindu nation to occupy Hindustan. Mr. Savarkar on the other hand insists that, although there are two nations in India, India shall not be divided into two parts, one for Muslims and the other for the Hindus; that the two nations shall dwell in one country and shall live under the mantle of one single constitution; that the constitution shall be such that the Hindu nation will be enabled to occupy a predominant position that is due to it and the Muslim nation made to live in the position of subordinate co-operation with the Hindu nation."
 * Ambedkar, Pakistan or the Partition of India
 * Our main plank is Veer Savarkar’s message which he preached at the Calcutta session: ‘Equal rights for all citizens and protection of the culture and religion of every minority’.
 * Nirmal Chandra Chatterjee, Hindu Politics (Calcutta, 1945), p. 74

 * Here, Godse denies once more that Savarkar had played a role in the assassination. Approver Digamber Badge kept on making this very allegation, possibly because he or the investigating police officers expected some reward from Pandit Nehru in exchange for catching such a big fish. HMS leader and Godse’s lawyer L.B. Bhopatkar revealed several years later, in Manohar Malgonkar’s The Men Who Killed Gandhi.., that Dr Ambedkar, the Law Minister in Nehru’s Cabinet at that time, met him secretly to inform him that Nehru was personally interested in involving Savarkar, though there was no evidence to prove Savarkar’s complicity. His mere imprisonment was successful enough in eliminating him from politics. Manohar Malgonkar, in The Men Who Killed Gandhi writes ‘The strain of the trial, and the year spent in prison while it lasted, wrecked Savarkar’s health and finished him as a force in India’s politics.’ At any rate, the prosecutor could not produce the slightest evidence connecting Savarkar with the murder. In August 1974, Badge admitted to an interviewer that his testimony against Savarkar had been false. Ever since, journalists reluctant to give up the polemical advantage of connecting the main Hindutva ideologue with the murder, glibly introduce him as ‘a co-accused in the Mahatma murder trial.’ In Nehruvian ‘secularism’, superficiality of thought is compensated for by thoroughness in dishonesty.
 * Manohar Malgonkar, in The Men Who Killed Gandhi .    Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2018). Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018.

 * Most secularists pretend not to know [the] unambiguous position of Savarkar’s (in many cases, they really don’t know, for Hindu-baiting is usually done without reference to primary sources). Likewise, Savarkar’s plea for caste intermarriage to promote the oneness of Hindu society is usually ignored in order to keep up the pretence that he was a reactionary on caste, an “upper-caste racist” (as Gyan Pandey puts it), and what not. There are no limits to secularist dishonesty... [It] is just another case of secularist justice: Hindu are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.
 * Elst, K. Was Veer Savarkar a Nazi?, 1999 and in Elst, K. (2010). The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism".

 * In parenthesis, and with due respect, it strikes the modern reader that Savarkar’s writing is full of superlatives. In publications of lesser Hindutva writers, the situation is often much worse: they sound almost as emotional as Syed Shahabuddin’s diatribes. After all that Rishis and Tirthankaras and Buddhas have taught about the value of dispassionate observation, it is disappointing to find that Hindu writers cannot keep their cool and go off on an emotional tangent of either bombastic glorification or sterile self-pity.
 * Elst K, Indigenous Indians: Agastya to Ambedkar (1993) 217

 * All these facts taken together were destructive of any theory other than the conspiracy to murder (of Gandhiji) by Savarkar and his group.
 * Jeevan Lal Kapur Commission, Report of Commission of Inquiry into Conspiracy to Murder Mahatma Gandhi 1969

 * Hindutva was a political argument made in a poetic register. It was an argument with and against an unnamed Gandhi at an opportune moment when he seemed finished with politics. Hindutva was also a political cry from behind prison walls, reminding the larger world outside that even if Gandhi was no longer on the political scene, Savarkar was back. He was still a leader, a politician capable of pulling together a nationalist community. But unlike Gandhi, he was offering a sense of Hindu-ness that could be the basis for a more genuine and, in the end, more effective nationalism than that of the Mahatma. The startling change for its time was Savarkar’s assertion that it was not religion that made Hindus Hindu. If Gandhi had officiated at the marriage of religion and politics, and Khilafat leaders were using the symbols of religion to forge a community, Savarkar argued that name and place were what bound the Hindu community, not religion . . . The fundamental (negative) contribution of Hindutva was to install a new term for nationalist discourse, one that was both modern and secular, if open to a secular understanding of religious identity. In place of religion qua religion, he secularized a plethora of Hindu religious leaders. In so doing, he did not create a sterilely secular nationalism. He did quite the opposite. He enchanted a secular nationalism by placing a mythic community into a magical land.
 * Janaki Bakhle quoted in Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past

 * Vikram Sampath - Savarkar, Echoes from a Forgotten Past, 1883–1924 (2019)

 * I was to slowly discover that Savarkar was a bundle of contradictions and a historian’s enigma. He simultaneously means many things to many people. An alleged atheist and a staunch rationalist who strongly opposed orthodox Hindu beliefs and the caste system and dismissed cow worship as mere superstition, Savarkar was also the most vocal political voice for the Hindu community through the entire course of the Indian freedom struggle.... A feted revolutionary who created an intellectual corpus of literature that inspired the revolutionary movement in India for decades, Savarkar was also a passionate and sensitive poet, a prolific writer and playwright, and a fiery orator. ...The social reformer in him strove to dismantle the scourges of untouchability and caste hierarchies, and advocated a unification of Hindu society.

 * Towards the end of 1926, the first English biography of Savarkar titled The Life of Barrister Savarkar was published in Madras under a curious pen name ‘Chitragupta’. In Hindu mythology, Chitragupta is the accountant of Yama, the God of Death, who keeps a meticulous debit and credit account of every soul’s sins and virtues. There have been various allusions about who the author is—from Congress leader C. Rajagopalachari, the revolutionary V.V.S. Aiyar to Savarkar himself writing under a pseudonym. The identity of the author continues to remain a mystery.

 * Right from his childhood, Vinayak found the caste system that plagued Hindu society reprehensible. In his own little way he broke these barriers. Despite being an upper-caste Brahmin, and a landlord at that, all his childhood friends were from poor backgrounds and belonged to the supposed lower castes.

 * The streak of rationality and questioning tradition too came early to him. Once a multicoloured book on the shelf at home caught his attention and he decided to read it, despite it being in Sanskrit, of which he understood very little. When Damodarpant discovered that his young son was reading the Aranyaka s he was enraged. There was a superstition that reading the Aranyaka s at home forebodes evil for the reader’s worldly life and they needed to be read in seclusion in the woods. This left a lasting question in Vinayak’s mind. How could someone as intelligent as his father believe in such superstitions?, he wondered. Mocking the belief, he continued reading the book without anyone’s knowledge and proved to himself that this was just a fanciful and concocted tale.

 * Vinayak and his friends were absorbing from the Kesari, Pune Vaibhav and other newspapers the stories of these bloody riots and the polarized tinderbox that Maharashtra had become. Each time they heard of the attack on Hindus, they would be enraged and wondered why Hindus could not organize themselves and retaliate instead of suffering repression... Vinayak acknowledges in his memoirs that these experiences taught him how poorly organized and disunited the Hindu community was and how easy it was to subjugate them. 11 The Hindus were perpetually divided among themselves along several fault lines, especially caste, and this made them doubly vulnerable to attacks. They were full of self-doubt and suspicion about the other, and seldom committed to the ‘cause’.

 * In a moment of intense emotion, he rushed to the idol of the Ashtabhuja Bhawani in his home town in Bhagur and poured his heart out to her. He made a fervent vow in front of his family goddess that he was committing himself and his life to free the motherland through armed struggle. He declared in her presence: ‘Shatrus maarta maarta mare to jhunjen! ’ (I will wage war against the enemy and slay them till my last breath).

 * Savarkar is widely reviled in Indian history as an apostle of hate; through a reading of Hindutva I argue that he might better be understood as a spurned lover . . . Hindutva in its time was also a reminder to a Hindu community that even if Gandhi had left the political milieu, there was no need to worry. A political Hindu and a true nationalist was back and ready to lead India, even from behind prison walls. Hindutva was a pugilistic punch thrown against Gandhi in the competitive political ring for national leadership.

 * Despite being born in an orthodox and religious Chitpawan Brahmin community, Vinayak despised the caste system right from childhood. This has been illustrated in the kinships he developed with children from various castes and strata of society, and how he dined at their homes. At a time when most members of his community forbade sea travel for fear of a loss of caste, Vinayak was among the few Brahmins who travelled to London for his education. He had no qualms about going non-vegetarian as well, unlike most Brahmins of the time. As his political thoughts matured during his long years of incarceration, he penned essays on the abhorrent practice of the caste system and untouchability and how these sapped the nation of all vitality. Advocating a strong case for their total, complete and unconditional eradication at a time when these ideas were not yet a part of the political discourse popularized by either Gandhi or Ambedkar, he was the first to envision a casteless India.

 * Back in mainland India, a new movement was brewing. It is important to understand this issue because it sets the context in which Vinayak penned his magnum opus on Hindutva and his belief in the need for Hindu society to organize itself politically. The concept of Hindutva continues to be a contentious one in Indian politics even today..... Meanwhile, it was in the dark confines of Ratnagiri prison that Vinayak began writing his magnum opus on his political philosophy—his conception of what constituted a ‘Hindu nationalist identity’. These were distilled from his experiences in the Andaman and Ratnagiri jails with respect to the conversions, his own attempts at shuddhi and sangathan and the raging debates in the country surrounding the Khilafat agitation. The word that he popularized and which holds immense political currency in contemporary India was ‘Hindutva’ or ‘Hindu-ness’.

 * Right from his early days in the Andamans, Vinayak encouraged people to speak in Hindi....Till then, government records were maintained in Urdu, and even Hindi was written in the Persian script. Vinayak strongly advocated the implementation of the Devanagari script as it was the one in which the oldest language of the subcontinent, Sanskrit, was written. During his interactions with local merchants in his capacity as the foreman of oil collections, Vinayak passed this zeal on to them too. Through his influence, a girls’ school that was started in the Andamans began a compulsory teaching of Hindi in the Devanagari script.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Vinayak Damodar Savarkar


text:
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Stephemeral:

" Dungaroo" instead of Durango.

title: User:Stephemeral


text:
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004) is a comedy series shown on Channel 4. Created by Matthew Holness and Richard Ayoade, it is a parody of the horror genre and revolves around the character of Garth Marenghi himself, a writer of pulp fiction played by Matthew Holness.

Once Upon A Beginning [1.1]

 * Garth Marenghi: (sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels Slicer) Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood!? Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. (Checks line)...And bits of sick.

 * Garth Marenghi: Greetings traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you will probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including Afterbirth, in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol. Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a television program so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy, that the so-called powers that be became too scared to show it, and gypped me. Much in the same way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

 * Garth Marenghi: Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history, does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand and suitably ashamed, asking if your humble fabulist, could once more retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his spacious basement, and let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you.

 * Dr. Liz Asher: Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'.
 * Receptionist: (wooden) Well that sounds excellent. Our last doctor only just recently died in horrific circumstances. Can you start immediately?
 * Dr. Liz Asher: Sure, do I have time to go to the toilet?
 * Receptionist: (wooden) Not really, I've just paged Dr. Sanchez. He should be here any minute now.
 * Dr. Lucien Sanchez: I'm Dr. Sanchez! You're a woman.
 * Dr. Liz Asher: Yes, I hope that's not a problem.
 * Dr. Lucien Sanchez: Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward, this is the 20th century after all though some don't like to admit it. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.

 * Dean Learner: I, got a script, read it. Scared me senseless, comme d'habitudes. And I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face, I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze - it's natural. I said "this is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." And I do not say that lightly.

 * Garth Marenghi: We're doing all we can. but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now.

 * Dean Learner: I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

 * Reed: Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.
 * Dagless: (voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.
 * Reed: She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.
 * Sanchez: So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

 * Liz: I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny Dr. Dagless, I had a vision - I'm a psychic.
 * Dagless: And I'm Bo Derek.
 * Liz: No you're not.
 * Dagless: You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.
 * Liz: I see the past, the present and the future.
 * Dagless: Tough gig!
 * Liz: Stop being sarcastic!
 * Dagless: Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.
 * Liz: (thinking) Yes, that makes sense

 * Thornton Reed: (about Dagless) I hope he heeds my words about dealing with this in an orthodox manner.
 * Dr. Lucien Sanchez: He will. He's the best damn doctor on the wing, or any other wing for that matter.
 * Thornton Reed: He's a wild card.
 * Dr. Lucien Sanchez: But I'm glad he's in our deck.
 * Thornton Reed: Let's hope he plays a fair hand.
 * Dr. Lucien Sanchez: He'll come up trumps.
 * Thornton Reed: If there's not a joker in the pack, and sometimes there is!

 * Sanchez: So let me get this straight. When you crushed my hand, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen to a patient in Darkplace.

 * Liz: I know you're lying to me, protecting me, but I'm a big girl now. In a year's time I'll be a woman. Come on, who's Renwick, Rick?
 * Dagless: I dunno what you're talkin' about.
 * Liz: Yes you do
 * Dagless: You're right. I do. Larry Renwick was admitted here last week. The guy went axe-happy on a trout farm, he killed 60 fish.

 * Sanchez: You and he were...buddies...weren't you?
 * Dagless: Once.
 * Sanchez: Listen. When I first joined this hospital I was strictly solo. (Badly out of sync) You were first real buddy I ever had. But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.
 * Dagless: I've got a best buddy Sanch, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back.

 * Garth Marenghi: I have never exploded. But, I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how, I just know. I've always, just known.

 * Dean Learner: I don't know, whether someone close to Garth had exploded, um, whether it was a colleague or a pet, but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him, there were tears on set. Not from Garth - he was strong for the crew, um, but I wept. I'm not ashamed of that. It's, I s'pose one of the many, burdens he has to bear, as an artist, in bringing us this gift.

 * Thornton Reed: If that's how you treat your friends, imagine how you treat your enemies. Worse I expect!

 * Dagless: Listen! This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Now look, when Renwick exploded it reopened the portal to hell and so we must close it before it's too late.
 * Sanchez: WHAT!? Am I holding a crock of shit!? Tell me something. Is this hospital called "St. Crock of Shit"!?
 * (Long pause)
 * Reed: Alright, calm down, emotions are running high. Dag, what do you suggest?
 * Dagless: The only way to close the portal is to burn what remains of Renwick.
 * Sanchez: (poorly dubbed) Get Lost.
 * Thornton Reed: (The shovel he was holding has changed to a cup of coffee) Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor (cup is now the shovel again), but you're also a livewire maverick, who when he's not bucking the system, is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case, is this hand (he holds up his free hand, the camera slowly follows). Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portals to another dimension. I just won't do it. This hospital's got a reputation, which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the ward, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make a pill that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint. Understood?
 * Dagless: As crystal.

 * The Padre: Larry Renwick will be remembered for his wit, and laughing eyes. And for being above-all a good friend. I'm sure we all feel that he exploded too young, but, the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes, he'll come in at an angle. Other times, he can hover, then swoop. Sometimes he can even come in from beneath, like a worm, or mole. The Lord, it's his call how he chooses to manoeuvre.

 * Dagless: (voice over) The doors of Darkplace were open. Not the literal doors of the building, most of which were closed. But evil doors. Dark doors. Doors, to the beyond. Doors that were hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles. They were more like portals really. From this day on I'd have to fight these forces of darkness, and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.

 * Garth Marenghi: I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal, or plant, should be hurt in the making of a television programme. So I personally feel really bad about that cat we killed.
 * Dean Learner: I had a cat once. I dropped a sofa on it, it was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

 * Garth Marenghi: All I do, is sit down at the typewriter, and start hittin' the keys. Getting them in the right order, that's the trick. That's the trick.

 * Sanchez: So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?

Hell Hath Fury [1.2]

 * Garth Marenghi: (sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels: Slasher) Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off. From them rose millions of tiny maggots. Maggots!? Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. (Checks line)...Maggots. All over the floor of the post office, in Leytonstone.

 * Garth Marenghi: Greetings friend, I hope you're sitting uncomfortably. Be it on your sofa, armchair or beanbag if that's how you choose to live your life. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. You know everyone has a special talent. Mine is being able to write, produce, direct, act, paint. Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift.

 * Liz: Where's this flippin' chicken!?
 * Chef: Who said that!? Was it you Missy? Get this into your pretty little face, I said "5 minutes"
 * Liz:But-
 * (pause)
 * Chef: But nothing! Women like you are the reason this chicken's late in the first place. You'll be lucky if you get any of my lovely chicken if you keep up this kind of behaviour. (He turns, turns back to Liz and knocks her tray to the ground then walks back to the kitchen) Goddamn son-of-a-bitch! This is great chicken, getting nothing but flack. "Wah wah wah! When's the chicken?" Chicken's ready when I say it's ready. Ugh! Now I don't even know what I'm cooking I'm so angry. Seasoning. Hmm, now, what do I need, what do I need? Tarragon? Hmm maybe. Oregano, never heard it of it. Italian seasoning? Too vague. (Liz's PK abilities begin to move the ladle about) Old cloves, yes, bung some of them in. Sage? Nah, sage is for pork, ah I could do pork tomorrow, little bit of pork... (the ladle flies across the kitchen and knocks the chef down. Then a fork flies across into the chef) Son-of-a-bitch!

 * Dean Learner: I call Garth the "Orson Welles of horror", and that's not just because of his weight - he is a titan of terror. I call him that as well.

 * Dean Learner: Liz that bulb's gone again, you couldn't fish another one out from the drawer could you?

 * Sanchez:The guy's got a fork through his kernel. He's gonna make it, just, but the chicken's off!
 * [they all laugh]
 * Reed:That's a shame! I was looking forward to the chicken!

 * Reed: Look Dag, this temp was the personal recommendation of Won Ton's. He may look like he's just fallen off the back of a turnip truck, but he wouldn't run if his ass was on fire. He goes with you. And that's a deal breaker!

 * Dean Learner: Now I've seen Garth bend a fork, so er, he knows what he's talking about. I mean we all have abilities. I mean I once learnt how to hypnotise women. But with that power, must come, responsibility.

 * The Temp: Did you attack the chef? (The interrogated shakes their head) Thanks for your time. (He does this down the line)
 * Sanchez: I'll say one thing for the guy - he's very thorough.

 * Reed: (Picks up phone) Uh-huh. Bye! (puts phone down) Good gravy! A small bunch of objects are flying of their own accord in E Wing. (Picks up phone, then puts it down immediately) And apparently more objects are heading this way! (looks at phone, stuttering) Good...bye.

 * Reed: Flying objects? It beggars belief!

 * Dagless: Of course! That's why these attacks are mysterious they're not conventional attacks.
 * Sanchez: What is it?
 * Dagless: I've got two words for you Sanch, "telly kinesis"

 * Dean Learner: An eagle-eyed viewer might be able to see the wires. A pedant, might be able to see the wires. But I think if you're looking at the wires you're ignoring the story. If you go to a puppet show you can see the wires. But it's about the puppets, it's not about the string. If you go to a Punch & Judy show and you're only watching the wires, you're a freak.

 * Sanch: Yeah, it's me Dag, I'm in a dead-end. I've been cornered by some cutlery. I think I can take them. A whisk, a tin opener, and a spatula. Yeah, I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can. (The whisk attacks him) Argh! I'm hit! I'm down, yeah, got me in the leg. They'll be after you next, bye! (Sanchez adopts a martial arts stance) Let's do this!

 * Dagless: I ran the only way I knew how. By placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession. I had to help Reed, trapped in his office by a desk he could no longer trust. I had to help Sanchez, locked in a primal struggle 'twixt man and whisk. And I had to help the Temp, who was probably doing some filing or data entry. I pressed on, chased by a staple that had my name on it. This was unbelievable, Liz was now turning my own stationery against me.

 * Dagless: Liz, hide your shame.

 * Dagless: What's your name, son?
 * The Temp: (dying) Clive.
 * Dagless: That's a strange name for an American.
 * The Temp: I'm from Bermuda.
 * Dagless: Ohhh, that explains it: British principality.
 * The Temp: It's actually a dependent territory.
 * Dagless: What's that?
 * The Temp: The queen appoints a governor in charge of internal security and external defence, but she's still the de facto sovereign.
 * Dagless: We have so much to teach each other.

 * Liz: I s'pose I owe you all an apology. And Sanch?
 * Sanchez: Yes Liz?
 * Liz: Thanks for the lobotomy.
 * Sanchez: Not a problem. The procedure to extract psycho-kinetic ability is in its infancy, though surprisingly simple all the same.
 * Liz: I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the straw that broke this camel's back. It was unprofessional and girlish, it won't happen again. Buns?

 * Dagless: I just can't believe the Temp is dead
 * Reed: It's alright Rick, we'll get another one.

 * Sanchez: C'mon Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down the drip?
 * Dagless: I'd appreciate that, I could use a drink.
 * Liz: As long as it's not a screwdriver! [In reference to her killing the temp by stabbing him with screwdrivers psycho-kinetically]
 * [They all laugh]
 * Reed: Yes! I'd prefer a beer!
 * [They all laugh even more]

 * Garth Marenghi: I think what this episode shows above all is that the human spirit cannot be overcome. You know, as a writer, if you took away my paper, I would write on my heart. If you take away my ink, I'd write on the wind. (Pauses) It wouldn't be an ideal way to work.

 * Dagless: We'd seen a new side to Liz. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." They can get upset at the slightest thing: whether it's forgetting to acknowledge them in front of your friends or dividing a restaurant bill in proportion to the amount of food ordered by each party, which is only fair. I had to change. Tomorrow I'd tell her she's lost weight or I like what she's done to her hair. Whichever seemed the most plausible.

Skipper the Eyechild [1.3]

 * Garth Marenghi: (sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels Tomb Boy) Tina screamed for nurse. But Little Miss Nurse didn't come. Little Miss Nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. The pain shot through her like a big bullet. She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch? No, they weren't.

 * Garth Marenghi: (singing) Day draws into nightfall, yonder stars shine bright.You can be my baby, I hope that is alright.
 * Dead Skipper: (singing) Daddy, don't forget me.
 * Garth Marenghi: (singing) I haven't' but you're dead. You have a little brother now. And someday we'll all meet. In Valhalla.

 * Garth Marenghi: Salutations friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I prefer the term "dreamweaver". When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for television back in the 1980s, I drew deep draughts of inspiration from the dyke of my dreams. Other times I copied the plots from dead authors on whose work the copyright had lapsed. (Shrugs) Bite me.

 * Reed: As I'm sure you people are aware, Won Ton's gamma radiation mumps program went west, and created a horny giant eye on legs.
 * Liz: I heard about that, did they ever find it?
 * Reed: It was found dead last night. It'd been shot in the eye.

 * Dagless: I, don't know anything about it. Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.
 * Reed: Could you give me an example?
 * Dagless: Like hospital bloody hygiene. I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe so I had to use the one in E Wing.
 * Sanchez: It's true I went there two month back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.

 * Dagless: Anyway, I'm outta here.
 * Reed: Not so fast, mister. Where were you last night?
 * Dagless: Nowhere.
 * Reed: Nowhere?
 * Dagless: That's right, nowhere.
 * Reed: Nowhere can be a lonely place to be.
 * Dagless: I get by.
 * Reed: It's just that I've been hearing some things.
 * Dagless: What things?
 * Reed: A lot of things. Strange things, crazy things. Things, Dag.
 * Dagless: Things?
 * Reed: Things.
 * Dagless: Well, shouldn't believe everything you hear Thornton.
 * Reed: You're hiding something Dag, I could swear it. I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore. After that I'll do whatever it takes to 'unt you down.
 * Dagless: I dunno what you're talking about.
 * Reed: 24 hours Dag, 24 hours. 23 hours 59 minutes, don't make me stand 'ere and count.
 * Dagless: See ya later. I would stay, but the air's starting to stink round here.
 * Reed: Not from me it's not, I just went.

 * Garth Marenghi: This episode is really about my own desire to have a son, um, I have four daughters, and, whilst I don't blame them as such, I don't really feel they're on my side.

 * Sanchez: Good God! Knocked my bloody tooth out!
 * Dagless: (He picks up a chair) Keep away from me! Keep away! (He smashes the chair, which smashes, across the back of the doctor who went off the roof) I said keep away! (He then drags this doctor back and punches him in the face again. This doc takes a lot of punishment!)
 * Sanchez: He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing! (Jim grabs hold of Dagless, and the other staff come in to subdue him) Pin him down man for Christ's sake!
 * (Reed enters, and the drama abruptly stops)
 * Reed Calm him down! (He walks over to Dag) You're acting like an ape! A wild ape!

 * Dean Learner: I haven't acted since, (cheerfully) some would say I didn't act during, but er, er (cheeriness fades), those would be unkind people. I did my best.

 * Todd Rivers: (On Dean Learner) He couldn't actually interact with, you know, with another actor. I've never seen that before, and I've never seen that since. But I've just seen the tape, and it looks okay, though.

 * Garth Marenghi: In the end I picked up that pube, and I'm glad I did because it made that gent's a better place to be in. And that, is my question to the government (addresses the camera) Are you prepared to get your hands dirty, or are you gonna let things clog up the cistern.

The Apes of Wrath [1.4]

 * Garth Marenghi: (sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels Black Fang) The moonlight shone down on the place, unhindered. The gnarled parapets  jagged upwards, like a bony hand of icy indifference. In the background there was a pigeon. Who knew how long the place had stood there? 40 years? 50 years? Tempus immemoria, i.e. always? But it was a bad place, that much was certain. A very bad place indeed.

 * Garth Marenghi: Greetings traveller. Who am I? Perhap’ you have met me twixt sleep and wake, in the penumbra of uncertainty you call “unconsciousness”. Or perhaps you’ve met me at a book signing. I’m Garth Marenghi, horror author. My business is chill, impure and simple,

 * Garth Marenghi: If you use anti-perspirant it clogs up your pores, if you clog up you're pores you're gonna sweat elsewhere... and if you block up everything well then you're gonna sweat inside, and get cancer.

 * Garth Marenghi: You know, my books are all essentially about ‘what ifs’. In Black Fang I asked: What if a rat could drive a bus? And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament? When I wrote, directed and starred   in tonight’s episode of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I was asking another ‘what if’. Now, I won’t tell you which ‘what if’ it is, but it’s basically along the same lines but with a different animal. Without giving too much away, think Planet of The Apes.

 * Daglass: I figure the following: Sanch is regressing to Homo neanderthalenus. Right now Sanch you're Homo erectus but who knows how long you’ve got?
 * Sanchez: I appreciate you being straight with me.
 * Reed: And you and I are Homo sapiens?
 * Daglass: Correct.
 * Reed: But if we’re all basically Homos, shouldn’t we get along?
 * Daglass: You’d have thought. But Homo erectus is famed for his meanness. How’re you feeling in here Sanch?
 * Sanchez: I’m bearing up… you know me Dag.
 * Daglass: Yeah. Yeah I do big guy.
 * Reed: Come on you two queers. We need to lick this problem before it turns round and slaps us in the nuts. We need data. Liz, fill these boys in if you pardon the expression.

 * Padre: Monkeys were created by God to entertain us. That's all we know Rick.

 * Sanchez: (Having had a patient die in surgery) Not my fault! Monkey bastard hands!

 * Todd Rivers: It wasn’t difficult for me to get into character. I mean, I know the beast in me, I’ve been drunk with him for fifteen years. So it was home from home you might say.

 * Sanchez: I’m afraid Rick. I’m afraid of what I’m becoming. (Dagless sniffs the air deeply) Yep… that’s me. (Points to his hair) And this is unmanageable. I used to have the best hair in the hospital. And I’m starting to get some pretty primal urges.
 * Dagless: I didn’t wanna say, but when I went into surgery this morning, you were waving your bits out the window.
 * Sanchez: I don’t even know I’m doing it. I thought I was helping attach a drip. I went to the padre to confess, ended up washing my arse in the font.

 * Dagless: (voice over) My bonce having been knocked, I fell into a strange fantastical dream, rich in imaginative imagery. I found myself alone in a primitive land where phantasm, spelt with PH not an F, abounded. I turned one way. Then the other. Then back. Then forward. Then I saw myself as a monkey.

 * Reed: They’ve taken over!
 * Dagless: Oh, no! Oh, Jesus! They've taken over! They've taken over!
 * Reed: I know!

 * Dagless: Don’t drink that! Look, it’s bright green.
 * Reed: Thank God I only took a tiny sip.
 * Dagless: Someone or something has been tampering with our water supply. I’m going to the water storeroom. I have a hunch that whoever, or whatever he, or she, or it is, will be in there.
 * Reed:Right! I’ll stay here and try and recuperate as fast as I can.

 * Garth Marenghi: I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards. OK? What I was asking in that scene is: what if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys? And no-one's asked that before.
 * Dagless: (voice over) It was here that I found the fiendish fount of this fear. An Apeloid micturating – which means urinating – on my erstwhile – which means former – buddy. I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.

 * Liz: True enough, but if you boys make another crack about my taking a shit in Dag’s car, I’ll give you the thick end of the wedge.
 * Sanchez: Okay Liz, no need to go ape!
 * Liz: HEY! I thought I told you…
 * Reed: She’s going bananas!
 * (The guys start laughing, joined eventually by Liz.)

 * Dagless: (voice over) We laughed to protect ourselves, to mask the awful horror. Although I thought what Reed said about Liz going bananas was genuinely witty. Each man must acknowledge his beast, whether through sport or violent films. But a man must not let his beast be his master… otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.

 * Dean Learner: It’s so hard to watch this episode, knowing that she’s now missing, presumed dead, with the presumption heavily on dead. I don’t think they’ll find anything. But, then again she was like a candle in the wind… unreliable.

 * Todd Rivers: I've stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love

Scotch Mist [1.5]

 * Garth Marenghi: (sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels The Told) Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she  opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life.

 * Garth Marenghi: Welcome, friend. You know, a lot of people say: 'Garth Marenghi? Isn’t he the guy who writes all that horror crap?' Well, good luck to you, you’re an idiot. Because my books always say something, even if it’s just something simple like: 'Don’t genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men', there's always a message or a theme. When I wrote, directed, and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace back in the 1980s, I gave every episode a theme—even when we were running out of time, or I was really tired.

 * Dean Learner: He had a very ambitious script. I said: "Garth, this is a very ambitious script for the money we've got. Seeing as we've got no money, it's extremely ambitious." We were filming it in my garage. I had a big garage, but still it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.

 * Dagless (voice over): My name is Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D. It's 3 a.m. and it's misty—too misty. And the weatherman had said, and I quote: 'More mist to come'. And once you added that to the mist that was already here, you were looking at a whole mess of mist. I'd been called out to the grounds of Darkplace; it was taking ages because of the mist, though. There was something about this mist. What? I hadn't the foggiest.

 * Reed: Well, all I know is that I've got a hospital to run. You'd better do something, and fast, [thumps desk] 'cause I don’t want to be sitting here this time tomorrow with mist up my crack. Do I make myself clear? Good, now get!

 * Dean Learner: We found out that the mist was poisonous when two techies died yes. Now I don’t like see anyone die, but if someone has to die, it might as well be a techie. Because another one comes along; it's the same belt, it's the same hammer in the tool belt; you can barely tell the difference.

 * Dagless: Keep your headbands on; that way we won’t get lost. And use your fans sparingly, they eat through batteries and if you're not careful they can nick your fingers. Stay local.

 * Garth Marenghi: Listen to me: I am not prejudiced, all right? That's what I’m saying: I am not prejudiced. But Joe Public is. You probably are, you look like a dropout [shrugs]. Point being, I wrote this to heal Britain.

 * Dagless: The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it. I had no option. It was that or one of their B&Bs. I figured it'd be safer on the streets. For the first time ever I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat, and it weren't pretty. I'd seen them huddling in stations before, being loud but… this time I was surrounded. Everywhere I went it felt like they were watching me; fish-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze; tight eyes peering out for fresh meat; screechy, booze-soaked voices hollering out for a taxi to take 'em halfway up the road to the next all-night watering hole. A shatter of glass; a round of applause; a sixteen-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer, bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. I ain’t never going back… not never.
 * Sanchez: My aunt lives in Scotland; she says it's quite nice.
 * Dagless: Well, she's wrong.

 * Garth Marenghi: As a writer, I make my own rules up, okay? If I wanna start a sentence with a full-stop I will. If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will, but I’ll do it my way. And sometimes you actually have to be a bigot, in order to bring down bigger bigots.

 * Sanchez: I know "mon" means man, but I don’t think "och" means anything.

 * Dagless: Look, didnae get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the Scotch people. I love Lulu, and if Taggarts on, I’ll tape it. I was very tired that night, and I was pissed off I was in Glasgow. Colleagues of mine have since visited it during the day, and they say they've had a cracking time. I'm sorry. I was wrong; I see that now. My life is yours.

 * Sanchez: I wonder what brought them here, Liz. Was it Rick? Was it this hospital? Or was it both?
 * Liz: Or all three?

 * Dagless (voice over): One mist had gone, but another mist remained… a worst mist. A mist that fogged men's minds: the mist of mist-understanding. Luckily this mist was just a metaphor and wouldn't really affect things that much. On a nearby rooftop a bird took flight, but not even that could spoil this beautiful moment, as rosy-fingered dawn cupped Romford in its hands and thumbed open the new day's crack.

 * Garth Marenghi I love Scotland. You know, I’ll take the high road, I’ll take the low road… I think both are valid.

 * Sanchez: Can I speak frankly?
 * Dagless: Of course.
 * Sanchez: If you act like a cheap arsehole, expect the shittiest portion.

 * Todd Rivers: Some thought it was quite racist; I didn't. But then again, I'd play anything: a Nazi, anything at all. I don't think I'd ever… kiss another man; not even… not even for the big boys.

 * Dagless: They want what all Scotch people want: To kill the Queen, and destroy our way of life.

The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shuggoth [1.6]

 * Garth Marenghi: I’ve always loved the great tragedies; King Lear, the Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2, and when I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I set out to continue that grand tradition. This eve’s yarn is a simple tale o’ heartbreak. An eternal story of love and loss, set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion. Though you don’t actually find out it’s abortive till the end of the show. It’s my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny.

 * Garth Marenghi: Hold her gently, like you wouldst a lover, lying in a field, nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree. Perhap you're gently petting - having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine and a selection of continental cheeses. Bon Appetit.

 * Porter: Get me Dr Rick Dagless M.D., NOW! Yes I’ll hold.

 * Dean Learner: Garth is the most significant artist that I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with Lulu and four other people. So we’re talking crème de la crème.

 * Sanchez: What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup...
 * Dagless: Yeah.
 * Sanchez: ...Heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie, sausage roll.
 * Dagless: I'll get a Wimpy.

 * Garth Marenghi: Todd’s wonderful in this episode, and there are scenes with him and me where I think you’re watching him as much as me.

 * Liz: Apparently she was in for a routine operation to have her toe shortened, which was really long, like a finger. Then next thing she knew this happened. All in all she’s a little off colour.

 * Reed: I’ll look after Liz, you get this skin sample analysed. And keep this shtoom, if Won Ton gets wind of this my arse is grass and he’s got a lawnmower. Ya dig?

 * Dagless: It’s taking her over. It’s very infectious Padre, and I fear the only way to stop this spreading will be to boil her.
 * Padre: You could... steam her.

 * Padre: You’ll know what to do. You’re the most sensitive man I know… and I know God.

 * Garth Marenghi: When I pray, and sometimes I do, I pray to myself. I pray that I can pull myself through. And if I’m lucky, I answer myself.

 * Dagless: Look, I’ll level with you: Linda’s dying, she’s turning into broccoli. It’s very contagious, she must be boiled.

 * Reed: You’re both out of line! Now I’m not going to stand here and dance for you, I don’t have to. I wanna see both of you in my office five minutes ago, (looks at watch) so you’d best hurry up!

 * Reed: Look Sanch, I know all about Linda and I’m sorry, God knows I am. But slapping Dag’s ass about the shop ain’t gonna bring her back any. Now if Dag thinks that the only way to contain this is to boil her, then I’m backing him a hundred and ten percent. That means I could backtrack ten percent and I’d still be completely behind him.
 * Sanchez: You have no idea what this feels like old timer.
 * Reed: I’ve been there hombre, when I heard my wife died I could barely finish my lunch.

 * Dean Learner: The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham. It was an idiotic altercation which I bitterly regret both for personal and professional reasons. However, with the aid of some photographic stills taken by the girlfriend of the time, we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast. I hope that this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

 * Dean Learner: I fear that we’re seeing an end to the quality of television that you and I should be able to take for granted. We are seeing a dumbing-down of television... I think we're living in dangerous times. The horror genre is in decline... Reading is in decline, Literacy, Numeracy; the three Ls are in decline.

Deconstructing Darkplace [DVD Extra]

 * Dean Learner: Art isn't a commodity that you haul in and out [pauses]-
 * Garth Marenghi: No.
 * Dean Learner: -like dildos.

 * Todd Rivers: Darkplace sums up television as we know it. By that I mean: to the untrained eye everything looks smooth, hugely entertaining, everyone looks good, you know, everything is tied up; the end. Yet the reality is far different; it was horrible to work on, I didn't get paid any money for it and to be honest I can't remember a thing about it now, and that's the way I hope it stays. Thank you very much.

 * Garth Marenghi: 'Cause I will not pay a licence. I believe that the gift of Darkplace is a [stutters] such a sufficient gift to television that I don't believe I ever should really have to pay a licence ever again, I really don't. That's my gift; I've paid my licence, a hundred times over with just one episode of Darkplace. So if they come gipping me again for a licence [pauses] up theirs.

 * Todd Rivers: A man who behaves like a beast, shall never know the pain of being a man. Yet a man without love is like an orchard without cherryblossom.

 * Garth Marenghi: They often say to people, ‘You've got a sweet tooth.’ With me they say, ‘You've got a meat tooth.’ And they’re right. I love meat. Pam loves meat. The children don’t love meat, but that’s what we cook them. And until they can afford to buy their own vegetarian food, they're just gonna have to lump it.

 * Dean Learner: My style is an eclectic mix. Some of it comes from 20s golf. Some of it comes from Al Capone. Some of it comes from the future. And some of it comes from fiefal[sic] landlords.

 * Dean Learner: We made this show without any channel's permission. So I just started making the show with Garth, paying for it myself - we didn't know you had to be asked. So we made it, gave it to the channel and they said "I'm sorry, but we didn't ask you to make this" and I said "What do you mean you didn't ask us to make this? Do you ask everyone before they make a show?" And they said "Yes we do". And I went "This is news to me sweetheart. I made this show with my sweat and blood. I've spent the last 4 weeks of my life making this show. Do you want it?". "No" they say. So I'm, you know, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea having to sell 40 episodes of a medical based horror show, erm, with no one buying it, thats why we had to put it out in Peru.

Cast

 * Matthew Holness - Garth Marenghi (as Dr. Rick Dagless M.D)
 * Richard Ayoade - Dean Learner (as Thornton Reed)
 * Matt Berry - Todd Rivers (as Dr. Lucien Sanchez)
 * Alice Lowe - Madeline Wool (as Dr. Liz Asher)

title: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace


text:
User:Morgrim

Hello, I'm Morgrim. I've used this nickname for my entire time on the internet. It is not related to the CS Lewis character Maugrim. Sorry, personal bugbear there.

I've wandered over from wikipedia. I keep a personal quotes book that I use for message board signatures, banner messages and randomly illustrating events. This is what lead me to wikiquote in the first place. I've made an account so that I might be able to help cleanup articles I trip over while browsing. I doubt this account will ever be very active, since I'm not likely to be writing articles or hunting down fresh quotes (unless it's from a book or movie I've loved and I have no idea why nobody has added it yet).

It appears that I have found the template guide, and somewhat randomly decided to throw my weight into reducing the cleanup backlogs, just a little. Please send me a message if I'm doing anything wrong. Now, lets see if I can trim them down a little further.

I am currently working on
Category:Film cleanup

Useful Links
Templates/Films

title: User:Morgrim


text:
User:Alphachimp

I'm an administrator on English Wikipedia. You can check out my primary userpage here.

title: User:Alphachimp


text:
User:Ryulong

 Wikipedia has a user page for: Ryulong

title: User:Ryulong


text:
The Great Race

The Great Race is a 1965 film about a popular daredevil who proposes an automobile race across three continents, his arch rival who vows to beat him, and an ambitious female reporter who has her own plans for victory.
 * ''Directed by Blake Edwards. Written by Blake Edwards and Arthur A. Ross.

THE GREAT LAUGH SHOW OF ALL TIME! (taglines)

Professor Fate
Leslie and Maggie marry and go on the west to east Journey to New York. Max pushes the button on the cannon..which brings the Efiel Tower down on Fate and Max!
 * [covered in feathers after crashing during a stunt] I'd like to see the Great Leslie try THAT one!"
 * [after crash landing into a mud puddle in the farm during a stunt] Well, there's another one, Leslie can try on for size.
 * Push the button, Max! [on numerous occasions.]
 * [to Maggie, after Maggie accidentally destroy his garage while confronting the dogs] A pox on you!
 * [the men of the Sheriff of Boracho wearing indian hats are approaching them from behind believing they are going to attack him] Smokescreen Max! Give them the smokescreen! No, you idiot! The smokescreen! Push the button, Max!
 * Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.
 * [to Leslie, after Leslie allows him to win the race due to him proving his love for Maggie Dubois rather than beating him] I hate you! You, I hate! You, whose clothes are always white, and whose hair is always combed, and whose car is always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!
 * Fate:Push the button, Max!

Prince Hapnik

 * [after getting a pie in the face] Ulp? Brandy? Hah-hah, throw more brandy! Throw brandy! More Brandy! [gets a second pie in the face] Rum! I never mix my pies. I want to play, too.
 * [after throwing a pie at General Kuhster] You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!
 * [throwing flour at General Kuhster] I don't care! I don't care! You're banished! I'm getting an new tucker-inner. Banished, banished, banished!

The Great Leslie

 * [to Maggie DuBois] You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it, you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee.

Maggie DuBois

 * ''I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.
 * ''You mean amazing because I'm a woman.
 * ''Women have to emancipate themselves in order to emancipate men. So they can emancipate each other where it counts the most.

Others

 * Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

 * Texas Jack: NOW can I have me some fightin' room?! [several times during a saloon fight]

 * Baron von Stuppe: As a very wise English gentleman once said, 'He who fights and runs away may live to fight another day'. So, until another day, Mr. Leslie, please excuse me, I have a boat waiting!

Dialogue

 * Professor Fate: My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.
 * The Great Leslie: If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear.

 * Professor Fate: Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?
 * Max: Car number 5, the engine falls out!
 * Professor Fate: Car number 5, hah hah hah hah! Uh Max... we're number 5.

 * Max: Professor, Where are you?
 * Professor Fate: Behind the rock!
 * Max: Behind which rock? [falls over the professor]
 * Professor Fate: This rock you idiot!

 * The Great Leslie: [measuring the iceberg] Thirty seven inches to go.
 * Professor Fate: Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!
 * The Great Leslie: You'd better keep it to yourself.
 * Professor Fate: Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself. Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!

 * Professor Fate: Escaped?
 * General Kushter: With a small friar.
 * Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Taglines

 * THE GREAT LAUGH SHOW OF ALL TIME!
 * The movie with 20,000-mile or one-million-laughs guarantee!

Cast

 * Jack Lemmon - Professor Fate/Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick
 * Tony Curtis - Leslie 'The Great Leslie' Gallant III
 * Natalie Wood - Maggie DuBois
 * Peter Falk - Maximillian 'Max' Meen
 * Dorothy Provine - Lilly Olay
 * Larry Storch - Texas Jack
 * Ross Martin - Baron Von Stuppe
 * George Macready - General Kuhster

title: The Great Race


text:
User:The Halo~enwikiquote

''' The Halo can be found at the English Wikipedia. '''

title: User:The Halo~enwikiquote