text:
The Simpsons/Season 13

Treehouse of Horror XII
(The family is trying out different voices for the Ultra-House and try the Dennis Miller voice)
 * Dennis Miller Ultra-House Voice: Hey, cha-cha, I got more features than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.
 * Lisa (scared): Isn't that the voice that caused all these suicides?
 * Marge (happily): Murder-suicides!

 * Homer: Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.

 * Ultrahouse: [in Pierce Brosnan's voice]: Homer! No!
 * Homer: I'm gonna enjoy this. [removes the Ultrahouse's chips]
 * Ultrahouse: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! [Homer removes the chip, which happens to be said unit; speaks in an American accent] Ahh, thanks a lot, asswipe! [voice starts to die down] I oughta kick your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat... slime... bucket!

 * Bart: Awww, we're all out of milk.
 * Lisa: [takes wand out] Abraca dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]
 * Marge: [rushes in] Kids, it's 8 o'-clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizards' school.
 * Lisa: [points wand at clock] Five minutes more-ious. [clock goes back five minutes]
 * Marge: [annoyed]: Hmm. That's not good for the clock.

 * Bart: [Attempting to save Lisa from "Lord Montymort" by using her wand] Prank be undone. Destroy the evil one! [He is struck by lightning] Not me.

 (The Simpsons are trick-or-treating -- Homer and Marge are Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Lisa and Maggie are conjoined twins, and Bart is a hobo. Bart frowns as he looks in his trick-or-treat bag)
 * Bart: Hey! Flanders gave us toothpaste!
 * Lisa (as she looks in her trick-or-treat bag too): Mini-toothpaste!

 * Homer (smashes a cylindrical machine in the basement with an ax): Die, you monster!
 * Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.
 * Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you can cut me some slack!

The Parent Rap

 * Harm: Silence in my courtroom! [reads docket] Grand theft auto?
 * Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.
 * Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!

 * Marge:  I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents.  And there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say that we are. (Judge Harm contemplates Marge's sentiment. Smash cut to Homer and Marge walking out, chained up in stocks): She's such a butthole.

 * Judge Harm: Bartholomew Simpson, I am sentencing you to 5 years in juvenile hall. [Raises her gavel as the family gasps, suddenly Harm's gavel is taken from her] Huh?
 * Judge Snyder: [Holding the gavel] Well, I'm back from my vacation.
 * Judge Harm: [tries to complain] But I was about to pound the gavel, making the sentence official!
 * Judge Snyder: [cuts her off] Sorry, but I put my clown down. [Gesturing to his clown knickknack on the bench]
 * Judge Harm: [tries to complain again] But, I was going to--
 * Judge Synder: [cuts her off again] The clown is down.
 * Judge Harm: Ugh! [Storms off]

Homer the Moe

 * Moe: Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?
 * Homer: That was an amazing throw.

 * Formico: I am Formico, the Dean of design.
 * Homer: Hi Formico!
 * Formico: Uh uh uh, my name must never be spoken.
 * Homer: Sorry. :to Moe: He seems nice!

 * Model (In a Russian accent): Ever since Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.
 * Moe: And "penis" is Russian for?

 * [As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernized tavern]
 * Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.
 * [He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]
 * Homer: I believe I had a hat.
 * [Someone throws him a hat]
 * Homer: Suckers! [Runs away laughing]

 * (Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are singing along to the tune of 'I Love Rock 'n' Roll' by Joan Jett)
 * I won't drink at Moe's! Homer's old garage is all I need! I won't drink at Moe's...
 * Homer: 'Cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too!

 * (R.E.M. are playing in Homer's garage. Homer is singing along to 'It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)')
 * Homer: Leonardo What's-His-Name, Herman Munster, motorcade, Birthday parties, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade! You symbiotic, stupid jerk - that's right, Flanders, I am talking about you!

A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love

 * ''(Monologue at a party)
 * Mr. Burns: Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck all the best ankle is taken.

 * Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
 * Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".

 * (At Snake's hideout)
 * Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
 * Snake: I think his name was "Gustafsson."

 * Mr. Burns: 14 dollars and 10,11,12 cents. There you go.
 * Chinese delivery boy: You know, sir, tipping is customary.
 * Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry, me no speaky Chinee!

The Blunder Years

 * Paul Newman: Homer, I'm gonna tell ya something I once told Redford: it ain't gonna happen.

 * Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
 * Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest!
 * Mr. Burns: Did I say "corpse hatch"? Uh... I meant "innocence tube"!

 * Marge: You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.
 * Homer: It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!

 * Mr.Burns: Let me get your job to someone new.

She of Little Faith

 * Lisa: I still believe in God. I just think there's another path to him, or her. Marge Simpson: Her?! [addressing God] She's just kidding, Mister Lord!

 * Nelson: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
 * Bart: Who cares?
 * Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
 * Jimbo: His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes, he buys us beer.
 * Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
 * Kearney: Hey, she came on to me.
 * Jimbo: Get him! (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)

 * Lisa: I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.
 * Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!

 * Lisa: [shouting outside] Hey, I'm a Buddhist!
 * Flanders: [gasps] My Satan sense is tingling!

 * Homer: So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!
 * Bart: Yes, Father.
 * Lisa: (walking in) Mom, Dad, my spirital quest is over!
 * Homer: Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!
 * Bart: But, Dad, my heart hurts! (Homer glares at him, Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it)
 * Lisa: I'm a Buddhist!
 * Homer: What? That's it, no more chat rooms for you!

 * Lisa: Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
 * Homer: So you're back on the winning team?
 * Lisa: No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too.
 * Marge: So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?
 * Lisa: Uh-huh!
 * Homer: That's all I ever asked.

Brawl in the Family

 * Willie: [acid rain is falling; singing] I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feeling-- Argh! [collapses on the ground, as his overalls dissolve] It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! Gagghhh!

 * Homer: [drunk] Look, the think about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.  [falls off the barstool]

Sweets and Sour Marge

 * Homer: What's the longest anyone's ever done this (dances around blurting out sounds)
 * Lady: Three years.
 * Homer: Oh Pff.. fine. I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.
 * Guy: Uh, technically the cobra would get the record, he's the one playing.
 * Homer: But it's my banjo!

 * Suicidal man: Good bye, cruel world. (lands on human ball) Hello, ironic twist.

 * Homer: (After being told Springfield is now officially "the world's fattest city" and looking directly into the camera) In your face, Milwaukee!!

 * Man: Okay man, here's the sugar. Now you give us the money!
 * Homer: That wasn't part of the deal. Hahaha.
 * Man: (Reading Contract) He's right... who wrote this thing!?

Jaws Wired Shut

 * (During the "Soccer Mummy" preview, on the part where Soccer Mummy [Ed O'Neill] is at a soccer game and gets distracted by a cheering woman's bouncing breasts)
 * Team Mate: "Oh no! The professor told us not to let him get a boner!"
 * (A ripping sound is heard. Soccer Mummy looks down and shrugs)

 * Quimby: And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.
 * Tatum: Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat his children.

 * Duffman: Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar loooove Duff?
 * Carl: Hey, it's Duffman!
 * Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
 * Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

 * Homer: (In Popeye's accent) Eh, this beer's deliskous. I'm going to saves me wife. Now let's get this show on the road.

 * Homer: Looks like I need some fuel for me mule, gas for me ass! (Popeye-like laughter)

Half-Decent Proposal

 * Wiseguy: That's $912.
 * Marge: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
 * Wiseguy: No problemo.
 * [scene cuts to a German castle, similar in design to Neuschwanstein]
 * Butler: This just arrived, Herr Baron. [Baron takes letter, reads it, and lowers it to reveal enormous lips]
 * Baron: Okay, who's der vise guy?

The Bart Wants What It Wants

 * Homer: Don't worry honey, we can't afford this now, but I promise when the time comes my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is... in South Carolina.
 * Lisa: I will not be a Gamecock!
 * Homer: You will too!

 * Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
 * Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

 * Lisa: [As Homer is about to cross the road] Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!
 * Homer: That's okay, they have free health care. [Gets sent flying by an oncoming car] Whoa, I'm rich!

 * Milhouse: I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic basketball team.
 * Bart: Yep, it's just that easy (shoots ball but misses hoop)
 * Player: Wow, that was close, you can be the center.

 * Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
 * Nelson: How come you suck!?
 * Skinner: Um... I lack confidence?

The Lastest Gun in the West

 * [Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]
 * Nelson: Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!

 * Homer: Eh, I'm sick of this tarzan movie.
 * Lisa: Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.
 * Homer: Oh, right.

 * Bart: What's this lunchbox made of?
 * Buck: Well, back in my day we had a thing called metal. Everything was made of it. Lunchboxes, cars, you name it.
 * Bart: Me-tal

 * Kent: This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.
 * Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley.
 * Nelson: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.
 * Ralph: I'm a gulch.
 * Kent: So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.

 * Buck McCoy: Goodbye Bart, never bother me again! Yee-haw!

The Old Man and the Key

 * Selma: Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye.
 * Abe: That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye! (winks)
 * Selma: I'll give you your licence if you never do that again.
 * Abe: Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.

 * Homer: (to Abe Simpson) And another thing, no death races.

 * Homer: (after seeing the incident on Abe Simpson) Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, (camera cuts closer and closer to Homer until it reaches his mouth) you are never... driving... again, ever!!!

 * (Bus arrives)
 * Homer: Here we are, Branson, Missouri.
 * Charles Bronson: No pally, this is Bronson, Missouri.
 * (Camera pulls back to reveal town full of Charles Bronsons)
 * Lisa: Well how do we get to Branson?
 * Bronson Mom: Number 10 bus.
 * Bronson Son: Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
 * Bronson Mom: No dice.
 * Bronson Son: This ain't over.

Tales from the Public Domain

 * Penelope (Marge): Okay, it has been 20 years and you suitors have been very patient.
 * Suitor 1 (Sideshow Mel): We've been beyond patient.
 * Suitor 2 (Krusty): We came here when Helen of Troy was hot. Now, look at her.
 * Helen of Troy (Agnes) a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 * Lisa: [gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?
 * Marge: [hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end." [Tears out the page and begins eating it] Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

 * Disco Stu: Disco Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
 * Bart: I'll leave you guys alone.
 * Disco Stu (pointing to Bart): Disco Stu was talking to you.
 * (Bart shudders in disgust)

 * Jester (Krusty): Now I should warn you, a lot of our plays have a tendency to make people blurt out certain secrets.
 * Claudius (Moe): [nervous] Oh boy...
 * Hamlet (Bart): Ah-ha! Methinks the play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
 * Claudius: Catch my conscience- what?
 * Hamlet: You're not supposed to hear me, that's a soliloquy.
 * Claudius: Okay, then I'll do a soliloquy too. [Clears throat] Note to self; kill that kid.

Blame it on Lisa

 * Homer: [Whining]Can we stop? I have to go to the bathroom.
 * Brazilian Kidnapper: You just went five minutes ago!
 * Homer: I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
 * Brazilian Kidnapper: We just call them nuts here.

 * Dance Instructor: Here is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. Now we are working on our most powerful dance: La Penetrada! It makes sex look like a church.

 * Marge: I don't think my daughter should be hearing this.

 * Dance Instructor: You cannot protect her forever! You stupid lady!

Weekend at Burnsie's
[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom]
 * Marge: Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.
 * Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
 * Marge: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

 [Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are]
 * Marge: What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!
 * Lisa: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

 * Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
 * Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
 * Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

 [Homer comes home with a new suit]
 * Marge: Where did you get that suit?
 * Homer: Woah, woah, one question at a time. [Points to Marge] Yes, you?
 * Marge: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
 * Homer: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) We have a kitchen?

Gump Roast

 * Krusty: Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.
 * Flanders: Thank you so much. (singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song
 * Both: Do-dah, do-dah
 * Lovejoy: (singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh the do-dah--
 * Flanders: Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people wanna hear the real words.
 * Lovejoy: But Ned, I was singing the real words.
 * Flanders: Oh, lets just take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song
 * Both: Do-dah do-dah
 * Lovejoy: The Camptown racetrack's five miles long
 * Flanders: Thats better.
 * Lovejoy: Homer's breath smells bad
 * Flanders: Oh, those are not the words!

 * End Titles Singer:
 * Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro
 * Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail
 * Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes
 * Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby
 * Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA
 * Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band
 * Marge murmurs, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes
 * Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say?
 * They'll never stop the Simpsons
 * Have no fears, we've got stories for years
 * Like, Marge becomes a robot
 * Maybe Moe gets a cell phone
 * Has Bart ever owned a bear?
 * Or how 'bout a crazy wedding?
 * Where something happens, and do-do-do-do-do
 * Sorry for the clip show
 * Have no fears, we've got stories for years

I am Furious (Yellow)

 * Groundskeeper Seamus: This be your doing Willie, I'll turn your groin to puddin'
 * Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!

 * Radio: Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding?
 * Homer: I hate them so MUCH!

 * Stan Lee: Greetings, true believers! [upon entering the store, promptly places an X-Men comic over a Superman one]
 * Comic Book Guy: Ooh, my heart's pounding like Thor's hammer on Doctor Doom's titanium-infused faceplate!
 * Stan Lee: Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
 * Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting". Restraining order says no-no, but her eyes say yes-yes. [strokes a Wonder Woman action figure]

 * Stan Lee: Let's see what you've got, son. [takes Bart's strip to read] My Spidey-Sense is tingling!
 * Bart: It's that good?
 * Stan Lee: Oh, did I say "Spidey"? I meant "Stinky"! 'Nuff said.
 * Bart: [dejected] What did I do wrong?
 * Comic Book Guy: Oh, I don't know; try everything!
 * Stan Lee: Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy is still finding his voice!
 * Bart: So you're saying I should keep trying?
 * Stan Lee: Absolutely! If you fail, you can always open a comic book store!
 * Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me!

 * [At Krustylu Studios, Krusty is watching Angry Dad struggle with the ketchup to put on his chips. Looking inside the bottle, it pours its contents on him and pushes him across the room.]
 * Krusty The Clown:[ironically] Whoa that's funny. There's only one way my show can compete with this.
 * [pushes the button on the intercom]
 * Krusty The Clown: Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
 * Secretary: Susan Anton?
 * Krusty The Clown: No, the lemur.

 * [Angry Dad comes home from work.]
 * Angry Dad: Oh what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
 * [Headline caption: You Suck, Angry Dad!]
 * Angry Dad:[growls in anger] That's opinion, not news!
 * [Angry Dad's head swells, then his eyes pop.]

 * [Comic Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back.]
 * Comic Bart: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
 * [Angry Dad turns around and growls. Infuriated by Bart for making him a worldwide laughingstock in the web and in Springfield, Homer rushes home to strangle him.]

 * [At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in the cartoon]
 * Angry Dad: This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.
 * [He presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a giant cloud]
 * Angry Dad: NOT AGAIN!!!!
 * [A cartoon version of Mr. Burns shows up]
 * Cartoon Mr. Burns:[Voiced by Bart in a deeper voice] Angry Dad, you're fired.
 * [Angry Dad's head soon explodes and shows a similar cloud]

 * Bart: Stan Lee came back?
 * Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.

 * [Homer has fallen into Bart and Milhouse's trap in the garden and got covered in green paint]
 * Homer: Grrrr...! RAAAAARRGGGHHH!!! HOMER MAD!!! AAARRRGGH!! [Bashes the fence down] GAAAAAARRRGGH!!!
 * Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on.
 * Homer: AAAARRGGHH!!! [Rampages through the town.] HOMER MAD!! HOMER SMASH!! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!!
 * Lenny: Look, it's the Incredible Hulk!
 * Homer: GAAAARRRGGGHH!!!

 * Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! [starts growling and grabbing onto his shirt, ripping it] Rrroar-owwll!!
 * Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't even change to Bill Bixby.
 * Stan Lee: Come on, damn it, change! Mmmhhmhhmm! [in defeat] Oh, forget it. [strains a little more, then gives up again] I really did it once.
 * Comic Book Guy: [taking Stan inside] Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
 * Stan Lee: Mmmhmm...
 * Comic Book Guy: You almost had it there.

 * [Comic Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back.]
 * Comic Bart: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
 * [Angry Dad turns around and growls. Infuriated by Bart for making him a worldwide laughingstock in the web and in Springfield, Homer rushes home to strangle him.]

The Sweetest Apu

 * Homer: Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.
 * Apu: I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.

 * [At the Civil War reenactment, Dr. Hibbert's horse takes off.])
 * Dr. Hibbert: For me, the war is over!
 * Principal Skinner: Oh, this battle is rife with inaccuracy. Hey you dead people, stop playing cards. And Stonewall Jackson, stop roller blading!
 * Disco Stu (as Stonewall Jackson): The South will boogie again!

 * Marge: Oh, Homer. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * Homer: You bet I am!
 * (Homer imagines himself flying a hang glider while firing a ray gun at a terrified crowd below)
 * Homer: Hahahahaha! You can run, but you can't glide!
 * Homer: Hehehe! U S A! U S A!

 * Manjula:I have to warn you, Apu does not have very much money.
 * Divorce Lawyer: Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out. It's established in the case of Lawyers vs. Justice. [chuckles] That was a wonderful day for us.
 * Manjula: We have eight children. Will that affect the settlement?
 * Divorce Lawyer: [makes several joyful exclamations, then calms] Perhaps. [the lawyer jumps onto the table and starts dancing happily]
 * Manjula: No offence, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens!
 * Divorce Lawyer: [chuckles] Yes, I get that a lot.

 * Divorce Lawyer: When will you humans learn that your 'feelings', as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?!

Little Girl in the Big Ten

 * Ralph: See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is.
 * Lisa: Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.
 * Ralph: No, Lisa, we're both in--
 * Lisa: Go, go, go!
 * Ralph: Why do people run from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]

 * Homer: [singing "Tubthumping" while drunk] I get knocked down! I get knocked down again! You're never gonna knock me down!
 * Tina: Whoa, party house.
 * [A keg flies out of the window]
 * Homer: (from the house) Hey, where's my keg?
 * Lisa: Hmm... Mom's not gonna like that.
 * Carrie: Who's Mom?
 * Lisa: Uh... that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.
 * Carrie: Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky is reading at Café Kafka.
 * Lisa: Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate?
 * Tina: It's gonna be great, the three of us can split a scone.
 * Lisa: Non-dairy?
 * Both: Duh.
 * Homer: I take a whiskey drink! I take a chocolate drink! And when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy!
 * Lisa: I'll see you tomorrow.
 * Carrie: See ya.

The Frying Game

 * Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
 * Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.

 * Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
 * Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.

 * Homer: Play the race card! Play it!

Papa's Got a Brand New Badge

 * Bart: Cool, a lie detector.
 * [Bart puts on the lie detector and a results sheet prints out as he speaks]
 * Bart: Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
 * Lisa: Dad, make him stop.
 * [Homer looks at the results sheet]
 * Homer: Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.

 * Homer: Do you sell hats?
 * Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Yeah.
 * Homer: To people?
 * Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Maybe.
 * Homer: People with heads?
 * Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Sometimes...

 * [an unseen shooter begins firing at the mobsters outside the Simpsons' house]
 * Fat Tony: Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?
 * Johnny Tightlips: I see a lot of things...
 * Fat Tony: You know, you could be a little more helpful.

title: The Simpsons/Season 13


text:
The Simpsons/Season 17

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Bonfire of the Manatees

 * Homer: All right! I'll let you shoot your gay adult film at my house.
 * Fat Tony: I never said anything about gay.
 * Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.
 * (Homer is once again hit with the hammers)
 * Homer: Ow!

 * Diner Cook: Oh yes. Senora left with a rugged yet sensitive man of science.
 * Homer: (worried) Rugged? Is that the same thing as 'handsome'?
 * Diner Cook: Oh no. Handsome means he looks at himself in the mirror. Rugged means you look at him.
 * Homer: (groans)

The Girl Who Slept Too Little

 * Marge: Whatever happened to please and thank you?
 * Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

 * Homer: Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!

 * Homer: "Stamps rule! I mean, suck!"

 * Marge: [spots at a construction out the window] It's a little too spooky for me! And I don't even like watching counting vampires. Go back to your own country!

Milhouse of Sand and Fog

 * [Maggie has chickenpox]
 * Marge: Homer, don't touch her, you've never had chickenpox.
 * Homer: I know, and you did and you're great.
 * Marge: Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.
 * Homer: Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?
 * Homer leaves, but pokes his head through
 * Homer: You're better than that.

 * Bart: This is all my fault! I planted Mom's bra in Milhouse's parents' bed!
 * Homer: Why, you little...! (starts strangling Bart)
 * Marge: Homer, I can save you both. Just let go of the rock!
 * Homer whimpers in fear
 * Marge: Just do it! Trust me!
 * Homer: Okay.
 * Homer releases the rock as Marge, with a rope tied to her ankle and the tree, lunges after her son and husband. Homer grabs onto her hair, whilst Bart grabs onto Homer's leg, hanging on for dear life.

 * Bart: Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.
 * Homer: Make it 2 kajillion.
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Homer: We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.

Treehouse of Horror XVI

 * Announcer: We're here at game six of the World Series. The highlights so far: a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The Batter just called 'time out' again. Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives. Well, what do you know? They're talking on cellphones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
 * Kang: This is the most boring game in all the universe!
 * Kodos: And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks!
 * Both: Freaks! Freaks!
 * Mini Kodos: (emerges from the left side of Kodos) Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! (Kodos bites her conjoined baby and eats it)
 * Announcer: And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spin-off, Pomona. It's even hotter away from the beach. Mm-mmm.
 * Kang: If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons Halloween Special won't air until Administrative Professionals' Day!
 * Kodos: Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something. (She holds a picture of them with Dorothy, with both making love sounds. Kang then looks at a baseball player who blows bubble gum very slowly.)
 * Kang: The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!

 * Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.
 * Homer: Well, at least he's not dead.
 * Dr. Hibbert: I should say so. This way, I can keep billing you!

 * (After getting shot in manhunt, Apu is reincarnated into a rabbit)
 * Apu: Ha, ha! You can't kill a Hindu!
 * (Hops away, and then gets his tail caught in a bear trap.)
 * Apu: AGH! Help me, Jesus!

Marge's Son Poisoning

 * Marge: (to Bart) The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! (Points to Principal Skinner)
 * Principal Skinner: (Looks behind him) What? The wall?

 * [Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]
 * Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
 * [A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]
 * Homer: [offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.
 * Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) M-m-m-my Sharona!

See Homer Run

 * Quimby: Who the hell are you?
 * Quimby's Nephew: Your press secretary.
 * Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew!
 * Quimby's Nephew: I am your nephew.
 * Quimby: Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!

 * Homer: I will run for mayor!
 * Lisa: And I'll be your campaign manager!
 * Homer: And I'll find out what a Mayor does! (Gets some Beer) Expand my brain, learning juice!

 * Homer: Marge, without this outfit I'm just Homer Simpson, multiple felon. With it I'm a costumed hero like George Washington, or Dame Edna!

The Last of the Red Hat Mamas

 * Announcer: And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Hotel & Casino in Downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker.
 * Host: As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity.
 * Krusty: What?! I am so out of here!

 * Marge: My husband has forgot our last three anniversaries, he made a badminton net out of my wedding dress, which he never uses, and last week, he called out his bowling ball's name during sex!!!

 * Homer: Wait a minute, if she's going bird watching then why did she leave her Peterson's Guide to Bird Watching? (Looks inside) (gasps) Road Runners are real?

 * Lou: Sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what we really feel

The Italian Bob

 * Brandine: [to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.

 * Homer: (Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son) Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
 * Sideshow Bob: Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
 * Homer: Yeah, I never went to college.
 * Sideshow Bob: [sarcastic] Stop the presses.

 * Marge: (looking in an Italian-to-English dictionary) vendetta means... vendetta!

(All the Simpsons scream)

Simpsons Christmas Stories

 * Homer as Joseph: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

 * Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.
 * Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
 * (we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew")
 * Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!

 * Abraham Simpson: [After Japanese fighter planes shoot down his brother, Cyrus] You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!

We're on the Road to D'ohwhere

 * Bart: I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.
 * Principal Skinner: (upclose) I don't want Milhouse.
 * Milhouse: Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.

 * Pilot: (over intercom) Welcome to Atlanta folks, please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop.
 * Bart: (looking up at the fasten seat belt sign) Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do!
 * (He takes off his seatbelt and an alarm sounds)
 * Pilot: Thanks a lot 33C! Now we have to fly all the way back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired!
 * (The rest of the passengers groan in disgust as the plane does a U-turn and takes off again)

 * Homer: Stupid Bart, makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.
 * Bart: Dad, neither of us wanna go, why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?
 * Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
 * Bart: Fight back, Fun Homer! Together we can win!
 * Homer: It's no use!
 * (Zooms to inside Homer's head)
 * Fun Homer: (locked in two energy cage rings like in Superman II) Aw come on, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!
 * Serious Homer: (whacks Fun Homer with his rifle) I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!
 * (Zooms to dead Intellectual Homer, with "ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" written in his blood)

 * [Homer briefly stops at the Mount Rushmore, just shrugs his shoulders, says "Eh" and drives on]
 * Bart: Come on, Dad, we've got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time!
 * Homer: Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act!
 * Bart: Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
 * Homer: Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmm... Snickers pie... (salivating)

 * [Homer is trapped in the car, dangling over a cliff edge. Bart appears behind him]
 * Homer: Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!
 * Bart: [suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?
 * Homer: [calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!
 * [Bart releases the bumper]
 * Homer: [calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!
 * [Bart pushes down]
 * Homer: [angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!
 * [Bart releases the bumper]
 * Homer: [calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...
 * [Bart pushes down]
 * Homer: [angry]...rip your head off and spit down...
 * '[Bart releases the bumper]
 * Homer: [calm]...your adorable little neck because I...
 * [Bart pushes down]
 * Homer: [angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!
 * [Bart releases the bumper]
 * Homer: [calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...
 * [Bart pushes down]
 * Homer: [angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!

 [Lisa arrives home and listens two messages in the answering machine]
 * Marge: Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!
 * Homer: Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!
 * Lisa: Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.

My Fair Laddy

 * Bart: (addressing Willie) That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.
 * Mr. Largo: (Having the tractor on top of the school) How did I get up here?!

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story

 * The Simpsons fall into a hole. Homer is too fat to get through.
 * Homer: I'm stuck and I have to pee (short break) Now I'm just stuck.

 * Burns: I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

 * Moe: (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna) I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'

 * Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
 * Barney: I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

 * The Rich Texan: I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.
 * Burns: Dream on Bitch!

 * Homer: Hey Moe. (Angrily) Thanks to you I've been sober all week!

Bart Has Two Mommies

 * Rod and Todd are bored.
 * Boy: Daddy, what are we gonna do today?
 * Ned: Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.

 * Marge: Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
 * Homer: (Sarcastically) Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
 * Marge: I didn't say that.
 * Homer: (still sarcastic) I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
 * Marge: (concerned) I could never think something that horrible!
 * Homer: (still sarcastic) And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
 * Marge: Sorry I asked. (leaves)
 * Bart: Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
 * Homer: (still sarcastic) Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

 * Bart: [in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being Toot-Toot's son] But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.
 * Lisa: Ned, Funny Town doesn't exist.
 * Ned: Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife

 * Homer: All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. (shows diagram) Especially the hair!
 * Charles: Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.
 * Homer: You take forever to say nothing.

 * Charles: Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?

 * (Charles' wife, Verity walks in with Patty)
 * Verity: Charles, I'm leaving you.
 * Patty: You snooze, you lose!
 * Charles: (astounded) You're leaving me for him!?
 * Homer: So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!
 * Patty: What brought us together is how much we hate you!
 * Homer: Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! (Patty twists Homer's arm) Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!

 * Lisa: Why must we share them with the world?
 * Homer: Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV... TV!
 * Lisa: But Dad!
 * Homer: Yes, TV-sa?
 * Lisa: Forget it...

Million Dollar Abie

 * Homer: (angrily) You're an useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
 * Abe: I watch the baby.
 * Homer: Where is the baby?
 * Abe: (surprised) You left me with a baby?!?

 * Abe: A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore

 * Comic Book Guy: (after Richard is kidnapped) Whoa! He's gone!
 * Doug: There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
 * Benjamin: Everybody look for it!
 * Comic Book Guy: Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
 * Benjamin: Everybody look for her!
 * (the nerds close in on Willie)
 * Willie: This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
 * Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!

 * Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?
 * Smithers: I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

 * Mr. Burns: Well, I guess we'll have to find a place where the workers are more desperate and ignorant...Springfield!

The Wettest Stories Ever Told

 * Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. (pauses for a moment) Too bad I don't know any.
 * Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
 * Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
 * Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
 * Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

 * Captain Seymour Bligh: (over speaker) Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. (crew groans) And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man (shows the offending picture) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. (Willie does so) And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.
 * Second Officer Milhouse: My father's alive?
 * Seymour Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. (He throws the Milhouse's father's letter outside the window)

Girls Just Want To Have Sums

 * Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
 * Edna Krabappel: [arms crossed] Are you saying that men and women are identical?
 * Skinner: Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
 * Lindsay Nagel: [arms crossed] Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
 * Skinner: [getting nervous] No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
 * [Skinner hyperventilates and faints]

 * [Homer and Marge are in bed.]
 * Homer: So... do you wanna... "wang chung tonight"?
 * Marge: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
 * Homer: [shifting his eyes nervously] Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
 * [Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]
 * Homer: Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!
 * [scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]
 * Homer: Oh, how did this happen?

 * Bart: [to Lisa] Do you know why you did good at math?
 * Melanie Upfoot: "Did well."
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Ah, give it a rest, Melanie.
 * Melanie Upfoot: Calling me by my first name is harassment!
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Well, in for a penny, in for a pound! [grabs Melanie and kisses her]
 * Melanie Upfoot: [charmed] Oh, Superintendent...!

Regarding Margie

 * Maid 1: "You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? DIRTY CLOTHES!"
 * Maid 2: "I found a hair in the drain! Not a fine, upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!"
 * Maids: "UNTIDY! UNTIDY! UNTIDY!"
 * (shamrock wipe to reality)
 * Marge: (Hastily) Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!

 * Homer: When will Marge remember us?
 * Dr. Hibbert: It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.
 * Homer: Awww! Jogging?
 * Dr. Hibbert: I didn't say you should be jogging.
 * Homer: Sweet!
 * Dr. Hibbert: Although you should be jogging.
 * Homer: Aww! Jogging?

 * Homer: See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
 * Marge: I know what the sun is!
 * Homer: Yes, now you do.

The Monkey Suit

 * Marge: Go ahead, Maggie. You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.
 * (Maggie picks up a pen-knife)
 * Marge: Ooh! It's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses--
 * (Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with an angry expression)
 * Marge: OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...

 * Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
 * Ned: (yelling) No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
 * Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
 * Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
 * Rod: Who brings baby storks?
 * Ned: There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!
 * Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...
 * Ned: Stop praying to that stork!

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

 * Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!

 * Lisa: Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now. (she and Bart then listen closely)
 * Homer: (in distance) And I say, a monkey can mow our lawn!

 * Watching Tabitha Vixx pole-dancing on stage during a concert
 * Bart: (dreamily) Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill...
 * Marge: That's it, we're leaving!

 * Announcer: And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere. It's going...going...
 * (the ball flies into the Duff blimp, which then starts deflating)
 * (Homer jumps from the blimp, then lands next to Sideshow Mel)
 * Sideshow Mel: My sister's friend!
 * (Homer runs from the blimp just as it runs out of helium)
 * Buck: Tabitha! Tabitha! Oh, this is the worst blimp crash ever.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: The Simpsons/Season 17


text:
User:Capodx2

"Advice is worth what you pay for it". Louis Saran Strauss (my grandfather)

title: User:Capodx2