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The Simpsons/Season 5

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Homer's Barbershop Quartet

 * Bart: Dad, when did you record an album?
 * Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.
 * Bart: Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.
 * [all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]
 * Bart: No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!
 * [everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]
 * Bart: What're we all laughing about?
 * Homer: Who cares?

 * Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
 * David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
 * Barney: You're a musician?

 * [After the Grammy Awards...]
 * Homer: Then came to the greatest thrill of my life.
 * George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
 * Homer: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie?
 * Harrison: Over there. There's a big pile of 'em.
 * Homer: [walks over to the brownies and wolfs down a whole bunch] Oh, man.
 * Harrison: [completely sincere] Well, what a nice fellow.

 * [The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]
 * Homer, Skinner, and Apu: [singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop
 * Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
 * Koop Koop-a-doop
 * Apu: [to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
 * Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
 * Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
 * [Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]
 * Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.
 * [On the recorder]
 * Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

Cape Feare

 * Lisa and Bart: AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!
 * Bart: So you're the one who wrote me those letters!
 * Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
 * Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
 * Homer: Oh, no!
 * Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
 * Marge: No!
 * [Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]

 * Blue-Haired Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
 * Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
 * Juror: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

 * Chief Wiggum: Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.
 * Homer: Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...
 * Chief Wiggum: Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.
 * Ned: Hidilly-hey!
 * Homer: Go home.
 * Ned: Toodledy-do!

 * [Homer has hired a detective to take care of Sideshow Bob]
 * Detective: Now, don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. (Holsters a gun)
 * [Detective is at a bar with Sideshow Bob]
 * Detective: [whining] C'mon, leave town!
 * Sideshow Bob: No.
 * Detective: I'll be your friend!
 * Sideshow Bob: No.
 * Detective: Oh, you're mean!

 * [the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
 * FBI Agent #1: Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
 * Homer: Check!
 * FBI Agent #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly] Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
 * Homer: I gotcha.
 * FBI Agent #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
 * [again Homer stares blankly. The FBI agents exchange looks]
 * [hours pass by]
 * FBI Agent #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
 * Homer: No problem.
 * FBI Agent #1: [stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
 * Homer: [stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI agent]'' I think he's talking to you.

 * [Homer busts into Bart's room at night with glowing eyes and a knife]
 * Homer: BART DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!
 * [Bart screams]
 * [Homer switches back to normal, holding a brownie tray]
 * Homer: Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot!
 * Bart: Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher's knife!
 * Homer: Why? [looks at the knife in his hand] Oh, right! The Sideshow Bob thing! I'm sorry, boy.
 * [Homer puts the knife down, kisses Bart gently on the forehead, and walks out of the room. Bart turns over to go to sleep and Homer busts back in.]
 * Homer: BART YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?! [stands over Bart revving the chainsaw]
 * [Bart screams louder]
 * [Homer returns to normal]
 * Homer: Oh, sorry! What am I thinking?
 * [Homer kisses Bart on the forehead and walks out of the room]

 * Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.
 * Sideshow Bob: [furious] By Lucifer's beard!
 * Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

 * Bart: Take 'im away, boys.
 * Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'im away, toys.
 * Lou: What'd you say, chief?
 * Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Homer Goes to College

 * [Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
 * Male NRC agent: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
 * Homer: Hm?
 * Male NRC agent: Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
 * Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
 * [The agents slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
 * Homer: [blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
 * Male NRC agent: Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
 * Homer: [to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
 * [Homer shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, inexplicably causing a meltdown]
 * Male NRC agent: No, no! This... can't be happening!
 * [Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]
 * Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
 * Mr Burns: [reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.
 * [Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]
 * Homer: Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]

 * Male NRC agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
 * Mr. Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
 * Male NRC agent: The box, the box!
 * Female NRC agent: Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.
 * [Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a fur coat that still has the $5,000 price tag attached to it.]
 * Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]
 * Male NRC agent: You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
 * Mr. Burns: Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.
 * [Burns presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens a few feet behind the NRC agents, who stare at it in confusion.]
 * Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Ah, yes.

 * Mr. Burns: You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
 * Smithers: Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
 * Mr. Burns: And the road maps and ice scraper?
 * Smithers: They were in there too sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Excellent, it's all falling into place.

 [Homer, Bart and the nerds have captured Sir Oinkcelot]
 * Homer: Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again! [He begins pulling the pig's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [Sir Oinkcelot starts squealing in agony]
 * Doug: Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.
 * Homer: Of course he does! He's a cute little piggy! [Continues pulling Sir Oinkcelot's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [The pig viciously bites Homer on his hand] OW!! WHY YOU LITTLE...! [Homer lunges at Sir Oinkcelot, but Bart and the nerds restrain him]

 * Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupid-head!
 * Peterson: [looks out the window] Homer, is that you?
 * [Homer screams and flees the payphone]

 * Homer: YES! Take that, Bitterman!

 * Professor: Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: "Out with the old, in with the nucleus" [Every student in the class except Homer bursts out with laughter] Now, let's just get started on the- whoops. [He drops his lecture notes, this time Homer explodes with laughter]
 * Homer: Oh, did you see that jerk! He dropped his notes! [Homer continues laughing obnoxiously loud]

Rosebud

 * Smithers: Who's Bobo, sir?
 * Mr. Burns: Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show.
 * [At the Simpsons' house, Homer is tossing and turning in his sleep]
 * Homer: Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!

 * [After being told that preparations have been done for his birthday]
 * Mr. Burns: I won't get what I want.
 * Smithers: No one does.
 * [Smithers imagines Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake wearing only a sash, a la Marilyn Monroe.]
 * Fantasy Mr. Burns: [singing] Happy birthday, Mister Smithers.
 * Smithers: MMMM...

 * [Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]
 * Homer: Are you ready to laugh?
 * Man in Audience: Ugh, that poor dog.
 * Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh?!
 * Woman in Audience: Quiet, you awful man!
 * Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap--
 * Mr. Burns: What?
 * Homer: Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old--
 * Mr. Burns: [pounds the table] How dare you!
 * Homer: Whoa! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".
 * [Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]
 * Homer: (mockingly) I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!
 * Mr. Burns: Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]

 * [After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]
 * Homer: Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
 * Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
 * Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
 * Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.
 * Homer: Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
 * Lisa: I knew it.

 * [Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]
 * Homer: Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.
 * Marge: [entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
 * Homer: I think I'm blind.
 * [Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]
 * Mr. Burns: Good day to you.
 * [They both leave]

 * Barney The Dinosaur: Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.
 * Homer: Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.

Treehouse of Horror IV

 * [Devil Ned has give Homer an enchanted doughnut.]
 * Homer: Oooh!
 * Devil Ned: Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
 * [Homer has already scarfed the doughnut, except for one small piece.]
 * Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
 * Devil Ned: Well, technically, no, but...
 * Homer: [sing-song] I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev--
 * [Devil Ned angrily transforms into a huge, red demon.]
 * Devil: [deep voice] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!!
 * [He vanishes into the floor. Homer smugly puts the last doughnut piece into his pocket.]
 * Homer: Not likely. He, he, he.

 * [In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]
 * Blue Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
 * Homer: Uh-huh.
 * Blue Demon: Well! Have all the donuts in the world!
 * [He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. 15 minutes later, it's revealed that this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]
 * Homer: More.
 * Blue Demon: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

 * Devil Ned: I give you the Jury of the Damned: Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon.
 * Richard Nixon: But I’m not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
 * Devil Ned: Hey, listen, I did a favor for you.
 * Richard Nixon: Yes, master.
 * Devil Ned: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

 * Devil Ned: Alright Simpson, you get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!!!
 * Homer: [screams]

 * ''[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns' castle. Homer rings the doorbell.]
 * Mr. Burns: [via intercom] Welcome, come in. [sinisterly, still heard on intercom] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
 * Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
 * Mr. Burns: Oh, son of a bi-- [door opens]

 * Homer: BART! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis— Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
 * Grampa: QUICK!! We have to kill the boy!!
 * Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire?
 * Grampa: He's a vampire? [screams]

 * Marge: We've got to do something! Today, he's drinking people's blood - tomorrow, he could be smoking!

 * ''[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns's crypt. Homer opens his casket and is ready to stake him.]
 * Homer: Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]
 * Lisa: Uh, dad? That's his crotch.
 * Homer: Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!!
 * Mr. Burns: [screams]
 * [He quivers then stops and melts into mold]
 * Homer: [relieved] Aah...
 * Mr. Burns: [comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED!!! [melts into mold and dies again]
 * Homer: D'OH!

Marge on the Lam

 * Rescue Worker 1: Homer, this is never easy to say, I'm going have to saw your arms off.
 * Homer: They'll grow back, right?
 * Rescue Worker: Oh...yeah.
 * Homer: Whew.
 * [the rescue worker starts the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm]
 * Rescue Worker 2: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
 * Homer: Your point being?
 * [Homer leaves with everyone laughing at him]

 * Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.
 * Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second... [pulls a card from his pocket: "ALWAYS DO OPPOSITE OF WHAT BART SAYS"] Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter.
 * Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.
 * Homer: Here you g-- [pulls back] No!

 * Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
 * Homer: We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.
 * Lionel Hutz: Three.
 * Homer: Two.
 * Lionel Hutz: Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.
 * Homer: Done.
 * Lionel Hutz: (to himself) Still got it!

 * Ruth Powers: You sure can see a lot of Springfield from this bluff.
 * Marge: Indeed, but there is so much smoke coming from one place. In fact, if I didn't know any better it is coming from our house.
 * Simpson residence. Lionel Hutz is furiously burning papers in fireplace
 * Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning so many papers?
 * Lionel Hutz: As of now Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

 * (Bart and Lisa wake up the next day on the couch)
 * Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
 * Lisa: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.
 * (Lisa budges Lionel Hutz awake. He growls menacingly and brandishes a knife)
 * Lionel Hutz: (defensively) Don't touch my stuff! (realizes that he just scared Bart, Lisa, and Maggie; sheepishly, as he sits on the couch with a confused expression on his face) H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.

Bart's Inner Child

 * Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure!
 * Brad Goodman: And I'm Brad Goodman.
 * Troy McClure: You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'
 * Brad Goodman: And you know me about such-help videos.

 * Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?
 * Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course big Ned, you're doing super! [Ned smiles]
 * Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here.
 * Homer: It sure does.
 * Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talking wit ya accent-a no more.
 * Moe: [slaps face] Mamma mia!

 * Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and freely communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about [beep]ing time! Of course all these good feelings can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it! [squirts whipped cream into his mouth]
 * Bart: Lis, today I am a God.
 * Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?
 * Bart: Ewww...

 * Mr. Burns: And I'm really enjoying this so called... iced cream!
 * Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that.... I... love you.
 * Burns: Hm?
 * Smithers: In those colors! (to himself) Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

 * Principal Skinner: Darn! They're very slowly getting away!
 * Moe: Looks like they're headed for the old mill!
 * Principal Skinner: No they're not.
 * Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway! Get some cider!

Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood

 * Bart: Aw man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
 * Hobo: You mustn't kill time boys, you must cherish it, seize the day. Can I have some change to go get me loaded?

 * Milhouse: Hey, don't bogart that Squishee! [Barney chugs junkie]
 * Barney: I dunno where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

 * Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel.

 * Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
 * [Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head.]
 * Principal Skinner: What is it with you boys and that word? [grabs Milhouse] I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege.

 * [While looking for a peanut under the couch, Homer pulls out a 20 dollar bill]
 * Homer: Awww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut.
 * Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
 * Homer: Explain how!
 * Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
 * Homer: Woo-hoo!
 * [Homer starts running to the door, slips on the peanut he was looking for, and drops the money]
 * Homer: D'OH!

 * Chief Wiggum: Ya see anything yet?
 * Lou: Nothing captain, someone took all the beer and cold cuts.
 * Wiggum: Oh, that's it. I'm not even casting off until we go to the store.

The Last Temptation of Homer

 * [Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak]
 * Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.
 * Mr. Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? [hands Smithers a notebook] Smithers, throw this at him. [Smithers throws the book at Charlie. Mr. Burns right hand reaches under his desk and presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards] Smithers, where does that tube go?
 * Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we moved in.
 * [Charlie then finds himself in an unnamed foreign country inhabited by cackling men wearing turbans. He is forced to dance to sitar music.]
 * Men: Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! [Charlie does so. The men start ululating maniacally]

 * Department of Labor Agent: This plant violates every labor law in the book! We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!
 * Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!

 * Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
 * Moe: Yeah?
 * Homer: You see, I have this friend named Joey Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo.
 * Moe: Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard. [a man in the bar runs out, crying]
 * Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

 * [An alarm starts blaring at the power plant]
 * Smithers: Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Well we'll just see about that! [uncovers a cage hold several winged monkeys] Fly, my pretties! Fly! [the monkeys leap out of the window, only to plummet to their deaths] Oh...[to Smithers] Continue the research.

$pringfield (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)

 * [Homer puts on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses he finds floating in a toilet bowl.]
 * Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
 * Man in stall: That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
 * Homer: D'oh!

 * Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
 * Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
 * Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
 * Henry Kissinger: Yes well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [thinking] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

 * Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you [pointing at the camera] the viewers!

 * Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor; and it's time to free your mother from his neon claws.

 * Krusty: I don't wanna get a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes, herpes, bo-berpes, banana fana fo-ferpes! Herpes, OH!! Hey! Y'know that spot on Gorbachev's head? Herpes, trust me! Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen!
 * Man in Audience: Yeah, well you're the worse comedian WE'VE ever seen!
 * Krusty: Great! Then we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes!
 * Man in Audience: Fine with us! [Krusty then sits down on stage in dismay]

 * Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

 * Smithers: Excuse me, ma'am, don't you think you've gambled enough?
 * Marge: No.
 * Smithers: Okay. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.

 * (Bart brings Robert Goulet to his treehouse casino)
 * Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the place? I think I should call my manager.
 * Nelson Muntz: Your manager says for you to shut up!
 * Goulet: (surprised) Vera said that?

 * Homer: [grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!
 * Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
 * Homer: [slowly, but still furious] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.
 * Marge: Think before you say each word.
 * Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
 * Marge: What?
 * Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.
 * [Marge then realizes that all her time spent at the casino made her neglect on her duties as a mother.]

Homer the Vigilante

 * Bart: [horrified] The burglar even took my stamp collection!
 * Lisa: [amused] You had a stamp collection?
 * [The family all laugh at Bart, and the phone rings. Bart answers it.]
 * Nelson: [on the phone] Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

 * Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
 * Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

 * Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.

Bart Gets Famous

 * [Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
 * Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. [to Marge] I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
 * Marge: The best performance of your life?
 * Bart: The best performance of my life!

 * Lisa: [to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
 * Homer: [breaking a lamp] D'oh!
 * Bart: Ay, caramba!
 * Marge: [groans]
 * Maggie: [sucks her pacifier]
 * Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!
 * Barney: [belches]
 * Nelson: Ha, ha!
 * Mr. Burns: Excellent.
 * ''[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
 * Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]
 * Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

 * Bart: I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]
 * Krusty: Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]
 * Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
 * Bart: [Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.
 * Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Storch.
 * Martin: No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.
 * Nelson: [Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

 * Kent Brockman: [Reading news script] 'Tragic news tonight: a tidal wave in Kuala'... 'la'- la.... 'Pur'... 'Lam-pur'... France.
 * [Bart pops up and steals Kent's Danish.]
 * Bart: Yoink!
 * Kent Brockman: Yoink? [After finding out his Danish is gone] (gasps)

 * Kent Brockman: [Shuffling his papers] Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.
 * Bumbleebee Man: [Pushing Kent off the chair and sitting on it] (clearing throat) 'A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.' Ay Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loses balance and falls over]

 * Announcer: And now it's time for "Match Game 2034", with Billy Crystal!
 * Billy: Hi!
 * Announcer: Farah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney!
 * Farah: [Grunts]
 * Announcer: The "I didn't do it" boy!
 * Bart: [Grunts]
 * Announcer:: Ventriloquist Loni Anderson!
 * Loni: [sighs]
 * Announcer: Spike Lee!
 * Spike: Mmm.
 * Announcer: And the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle!
 * Kitty: Hi, everybody: let's start the game!

Homer and Apu

 * [Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
 * Homer: Stomach...churning! Bowels...clenching! Not much time...must...finish...
 * [Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street]
 * Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
 * Apu: Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks, sniffs shrimp]
 * Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
 * Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
 * Homer: Woo-hoo!
 * [Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street]

 * Kent Brockman: Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."
 * Homer: [couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?

 * Kent: We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
 * Man: [neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
 * [Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
 * Apu: Huh?
 * Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
 * Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
 * Homer: Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
 * Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.

 ''[Apu is replenishing the hot dog roller, unaware the camera in the hat is filming him. He drops one on the floor, it rolls towards the hat, and we get a wretched close-up of the wiener]''
 * Apu: Oh, it is encrusted with filth. [blows it] Oh, well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat. [he winks right into the camera]

 * Homer: Apu, if I've learned anything, it's that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

 * Apu: That (the Kwik-E-Mart) is the sight of my spiritual de-pantsing.

 [Homer and Apu are flying over the Himalayas]
 * Homer: Are we in India yet?
 * Apu: No.
 * Homer: Are we in India yet?
 * Apu: No.
 * Homer: Are we in India yet?
 * Apu: No.
 * Homer: Are we in India yet?
 * Apu: No. Oh wait... Now we are.

 * Apu: He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
 * CEO: Approach, my sons.
 * [Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
 * CEO: You may ask me three questions.
 * Apu: That's great, because I only need one.
 * Homer: [interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
 * CEO: Yes.
 * Homer: Really?
 * CEO: Yes.
 * Homer: You?
 * CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
 * Apu: But – I must—
 * CEO: Thank you, come again.
 * Apu: But—
 * CEO: Thank you, come again.
 * [Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
 * Homer: Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]

 * James Woods: Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
 * Apu: Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--
 * Woods: But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
 * Marge: That sounds like a good movie.
 * Woods: Yes... yes, a... a movie, yes.

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy

 * Malibu Stacy Doll: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Ha ha, ha ha!
 * Bart: Right on, say it, sister.
 * Lisa: It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
 * Bart: Just what I was gonna say.
 * (Lisa angrily throws the doll out the living room window. Cut to Grampa Simpson riding a bike down the street)
 * Grampa Simpson: Look at me! I'm acting young!
 * (The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bicycle. Grampa Simpson flies off screaming past a blur of colors until he lands in an open grave at a cemetery. Two grave diggers having lunch turn around to see what the commotion is, then resume eating)
 * Grampa Simpson: (from inside the grave) Hey, this ain't so bad.

 * ''[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy.]
 * Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
 * Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
 * Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
 * Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.
 * Stacy: Well, that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

 * [Smithers turns on his computer, its boot screen displays a computerized version of Mr. Burns]
 * Mr. Burns: Hello, Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.
 * Smithers: Uh, you probably should ignore that.

Deep Space Homer

 * Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season! And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Smithers whispers to him] Hmm?... What?... Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award".

 * Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
 * Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
 * [A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.]
 * Chimp: [English accent] No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

 * Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
 * Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

 * NASA Technician: [counting down to launch] Three... Two... One... MAKE ROCKET GO NOW!

 * Kent: We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with "average-naut" Homer Simpson, and we'd like to...
 * [an ant floats past the screen]
 * Kent: Ahhhh!
 * Simpsons family: AHHHHHHHH!
 * [the picture breaks up]
 * Kent: Folks, we just lost the picture, but...what we've seen...speaks for itself. The spacecraft has apparently been taken over – "conquered" if you will – by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

 * Barney: It begins!

 * [Homer has sent potato chips loose in zero gravity]
 * Buzz Aldrin: Careful, they're ruffled!

Homer Loves Flanders

 * [Ned has just offered Homer tickets to the game]
 * Homer: Why do you mock me, Lord?
 * Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle Bart threw up there
 * [Marge knocks it down]
 * Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee but... [does it anyway] Mmmm, sacralicious.

 * [Lenny and Carl see Homer and Ned drive by, but Homer buries Ned's head out of view so they don't see him with Flanders]
 * Homer: Hi!
 * Lenny: Hey, look! Homer's got one of those robot cars!
 * [The car crashes off-screen due to Homer pushing Ned's head down]
 * Carl: ...One of those American robot cars.

 * [Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]
 * Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.
 * [Cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side.]
 * Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

 * Rod: Lies make Baby Jesus cry.

 * Lovejoy: Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]
 * Ned: STOP IT!! BREATH THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [the churchgoers gasp] Can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!
 * Helen: Well, Ned's just jealous!
 * Moe: The man's hepped up on goofballs!
 * Abe: Let's sacrifice him to our God! We did it all the time in the 30's.

Bart Gets an Elephant

 * [Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast.]
 * Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
 * Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
 * Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
 * Bart: Think you'll win?
 * Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

 * Homer: What's the point of all this cleaning?! Are we so vain?!

 * Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!
 * Bill Clinton: Make me.

 * Grampa: Hey, they're playing the elephant song!
 * Jasper: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

 * Kent Brockman: So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives – "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.

 * Mr. Burns: [rides on Stampy] Ha-ha! Smithers, this reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work!

 * Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
 * Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
 * Homer: [scared] Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

 * Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
 * Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
 * Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
 * Mr. Blackheart: [chuckles] Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network ... and like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

 * Ned Flanders: Look! It's the four elephants of the Apocalypse!
 * Maude: That's "Horsemen," Ned.
 * Ned: Well, getting closer.

 * Homer: He took Bart too?! [yells out the window] THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL BLACKHEART! THAT. WASN'T. PAAAAART!

 * [At Springfield Police Station]
 * Chief Wiggum: [sarcastically] Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...yeah, right, mister, mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure...and I'm Edward G. Robinson!

Burns' Heir

 * Smithers: I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it-- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?
 * Mr. Burns: [emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!
 * Smithers: Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.

 * Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
 * Mr. Burns: I specifically said no geeks!
 * Milhouse: [dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...
 * Mr. Burns: Next!
 * Nelson Muntz: Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
 * Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
 * Martin Prince: [Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ring, ring, ring went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--
 * [Nelson runs onto the stage and cold cocks him. Martin collapses.]
 * Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
 * Lisa: [clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -
 * Mr Burns: I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!
 * Milhouse: [offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

 * [a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet]
 * Mr. Burns: Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
 * Smithers: I think it is a rock, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

 * [Bart smashes up Burns' residence in anger for not being chosen as the heir, smashing windows and decapitating statues]
 * Mr. Burns: Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?
 * Boy: [with an exaggerated Cockney accent] Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day!
 * Mr. Burns: I was talking to him. [points at Bart] You! What day is this?
 * Bart: Huh?
 * Mr. Burns: I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!
 * [Bart throws a rock which hits Smithers in the head]
 * Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like him a lot.

 * Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
 * Marge: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
 * Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
 * Marge: What about Peter Fonda?
 * Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
 * Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one!

 * [Bart turns on his model train and it leaves the room]
 * Milhouse: Where does it go?
 * Bart: I don't know, but it won't be back for three hours. One time it had snow on it.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song

 * Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour? You're fired!
 * Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, di-did you just call me a liar?
 * Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
 * Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

 * Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.
 * Ned: [over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Thank the Lor-- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!

 * Principal Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the Great American Novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
 * Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. And then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like! Didn't you think this through?...[fade to later]... was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had it...[fade to later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! [Skinner hangs his head in shame as Apu calms down] ...I mean, thank you, come again.

The Boy Who Knew Too Much

 * Bart: Wow, that is the biggest Rice Krispie square I've ever seen! The rich sure know how to live.

 * Homer: [lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?
 * Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
 * Principal Skinner: You're stealing a table?
 * Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
 * Principal Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
 * Homer: Souvenir.

 * Scott Christian: Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.
 * Kent Brockman: —ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter". (pfft) This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, [whispers] so we'll have to be quiet. [courtroom doors close in his face] Dooh—!

 * Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
 * Marge: Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again. [she then starts humming and dusting the TV]
 * Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
 * Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

 * Chief Wiggum: Oh, my God... Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! ...Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten, heh-heh.

 * Homer: [reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?
 * Skinner: It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.
 * Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
 * Skinner: It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.
 * Homer: Uh-huh. And "if"?
 * Skinner: Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
 * Homer: So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
 * Patty: That's not going to happen, Homer.
 * Jasper: Let's vote. My liver is failing.
 * Homer: Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]
 * Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
 * Homer: What are all of you voting?
 * Everyone: Guilty.
 * Homer: Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?
 * [everyone else groans]
 * Homer: Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

 * [Bart sees Skinner in the jury; Skinner thinks his thoughts to him]
 * Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say. [camera pans left to Homer]
 * Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, boy. [sings jingle] Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.

Lady Bouvier's Lover

 * Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.
 * [The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie".]
 * Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

 * Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
 * [Homer imagines his children as more realistic-looking humans, screams and runs from the room]

 * Mrs. Bouvier: Oh, Monty, I swear you're the devil himself.
 * Mr. Burns: I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

 * [Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself.]
 * Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
 * Marge: That's because you were drunk!
 * Homer: And how.

 * Homer: All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through I 8 in Lisa's diary.
 * Marge: You too.
 * Homer: Huh?
 * Marge: Get out!
 * Homer: But I’m not in a cla-
 * [Marge pushes Homer onto the ground and slams the door, Otto puts his hand on Homer’s shoulder]
 * Otto: Is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.

 * Homer: Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. [walks into the streets]

 * [Reverend and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge.]
 * Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
 * Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
 * Marge: But isn't that a sin?
 * Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

I Simpson (quinta stagione)

title: The Simpsons/Season 5


text:
User:Dev920

Homosexuality
Indigo White

Justice
===Peace

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User:Dev920


text:
User talk:@wiki

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 15:31, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:@wiki


text:
User talk:Dearhearts

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 15:31, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Dearhearts


text:
User talk:Etc

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 15:31, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

 * Thank you very much!)))

--Etc 08:41, 25 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:Etc


text:
User talk:Dev920

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 15:32, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Thankyou...
for your welcome. I have just come over from Wikiepdia, and am unsure where to start editing. Any suggestions? Is there any specific page that details how Wikiquote differs from Wikipedia, so I don't trip up? Dev920 15:34, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * I don't think there's any page that details what's different between Wikiquote and Wikipedia, but the two major things are: 1) the subject matter, and 2) the size of the community. As the name suggests, we're all about quotes; we also have a much smaller community of active editors than Wikipedia, with maybe a dozen or so regular, long-term contributors (nearly all of whom are sysops).

 * In terms of resources, you might want to start with About, which is a lot of links to other pages that you might find helpful. Once you start editing, you'll find Templates helpful, as it provides format templates for creating or adding to articles.

 * Where to start? This really depends on you, and where your interests are (I find it's easier to work on things that I'm interested in). Look for a page for a person, film, show, etc. that you know, and get a feel for how things are laid out. If you have anything to add, or can provide a source for a previously-unsourced or attributed quote, you can add that. I got started here by reading through pages for TV shows I like and correcting obvious errors (like spelling).

 * There are also plenty of maintenance things that you might wish to attend to. There are lots of articles that don't have introductions, and plenty that, both minor and major.

 * If you have any other questions about Wikiquote in general, or about any specific bit of editing, or about why something was done, feel free to ask me, or to put the question on Village pump, where other admins and editors can help out. —LrdChaos 15:49, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Sure, destroy my articles, why don't you.
''Those articles collectively took me six hours to write and you want to reduce them?! It's not like I wrote out the script. Dev920 23:51, 14 March 2007 (UTC)''
 * Also, wtf with the unsorted dialogue template? You want something other than chronological order in a film? Dev920 23:55, 14 March 2007 (UTC)

 * First of all, Dev920, please identify what articles you are talking about in your posts. I make upwards of 100 edits on some days, and I don't always check to see who worked on what articles, as what I care most about is the content, not the author. In any case, it's good practice to link to what you're discussing if it's not on the article's talk page.

 * Second of all, there is no such thing as "my article" or "your article" here. Wikiquote articles are a collaborative effort. While many start with the considerable work of a single individual, no one "owns" them.

 * Third, I hope you realize that it is not my intention to "destroy" anything here. If you don't, you should review my other 25000+ edits here to see that I don't generally destroy articles. I would ask you to approach concerns about others' edits by assuming good faith, just as I assume (correctly, I believe) that your work here has been (and I'm sure will continue to be) very much in good faith. If you were being sarcastic, please consider that plain text is a poor delivery mechanism for friendly sarcasm. Nothing in your post suggested to me that you were being wry, just feeling angry.

 * Now on to the business at hand. Based on your mentioned of the unsorted tag I just created, I see you're probably talking about Latter Days and Proof (2005 film). They came to my attention when you added them to Good entries, because I feel this will be construed by Wikiquotians as a list of articles that meet all the various policies and guidelines we expect of the best articles at Wikiquote. Because of this, I believe it's important to ensure they do in fact accomplish this, much as offering a Wikipedia article for Good or Featured status would encourge folks to bring it up to the highest standards there.

 * The main concern I had for these two articles was that the dialog segments were mixed into the character quotes. We have no format recommendations for this, and frankly, I think this is going in exactly the wrong direction. Character quotes are a commonplace thing in film articles, but as I'm sure you've noticed, what is commonplace is often sub-standard here at Wikiquote. The problem with character quotes is the same as identifying a literature quote simply by citing a book — it makes it effectively impossible to verify without spending several hours reading the whole work (or watching the whole film in this case).

 * The advantage of dialog sections is that chronological order, enhanced by terse scene-describing context lines, provide the next-best thing to timecodes, especially in the age of DVDs where people can skip through a film at high speed to spot the described scene. Because of this, we should always put dialog in the "Dialogue" section. If I had my way, we wouldn't even have character-quote sections because they're so ineffective for sourcing. (Or at the very least, the very few quotes from character sections would be repeated with proper sourcing context in the "Dialogue" section.)

 * With all this to consider, I moved the dialog segments to "Dialogue", but since there is (again) no sourcing info for them, and I didn't have the relevant DVDs to review, I placed the unsorted tag there to call attention to the fact that they were probably no longer in chrono order. It was, and still is, my hope that editors more familiar with the subject can fold these into proper order. (I and others do this all the time with TV-show articles like Mystery Science Theater 3000, which are far more challenging because they often have 100 times the source material to review.)

 * I apologize if I offended you, and I didn't mean to make light of the work you've put into these articles. But I hope we are all working toward the same goal — making each article the best it can be. This must be doubly so for articles we expect to present as "good entries". ~ Jeff Q (talk) 00:47, 15 March 2007 (UTC)

 * I apologise for coming on too strong, but that template which indicates you intend to cut down my article (which I use as a term for convenience, not ownership) is frustrating considering the amount I spent constructing it. I laid it out according to the template that existed when I first wrote them - I thought it was strange but who am I to argue? I will go put the bits you changed into order. Dev920 08:12, 15 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Hangon, why have you moved those individual quotes as well? That's clearly still Wikiquote policy to judge from the preloaded template:

Other

 * Character4: (...quote...)

 * Character5: (...quote...)

 * Should they have been moved? Dev920 08:18, 15 March 2007 (UTC)

 * I apologize (my turn again!) for the delay in responding on this. There are some discrepancies between the policy-by-template and practices that I still need to review to better respond to this. The short answer is, yeah, you were following the template both for "Other" and even with embedded dialog in the character sections. This is going to take even more work than just synchronizing the templates and Guide to layout. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 09:23, 16 March 2007 (UTC)

''Jeff, what's happening with these? I'm reluctant to edit any more articles until I know the proper way forward. Dev920''

 * I'm sorry, Dev920. I'm just not keeping up with everything that's going on. I have no moral authority to push any variations from the existing templates, regardless of the rationale, unless I'm willing and able to put a lot more time into them than I have right now. All I can do is ask that you consider how to provide readers with a fighting chance to identify where in the film each quote is. Otherwise, I need to get out of your way so you can contribute more material! ☺ If you'd like, you might take a look at The Man with Two Brains, which I think still follows chrono order, includes a scene context line for (nearly) every quote, and even includes some not-quite-standard poetry quoting from the film. The policy fixes and synchronization will just have to wait for more attention from more editors. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 09:25, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

 * Well, I can sure put in context lines, but I'm more concerned over this copyright tag at the top. What's wrong with the amount of quotes? They are all relevant. Dev920 16:06, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

 * Relevance has nothing to do with keeping within "fair use" guidelines. However, because I am not prepared to deal with this specific issue right (I don't recall that we have any specific recommendations for film articles), I have removed the checkcopyright tags I added to Latter Days and Proof (2005 film). This should not be interpreted in any way as acceptance by Wikiquote or Wikimedia Foundation. But I'll have to leave such analysis and review to others for now. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 17:49, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

Welcoming users
''When welcoming new users, do I need to check that new users aren't vandals, or should I just welcome everyone without an offensive username? Dev920 06:12, 25 March 2007 (UTC)''

 * That's your option. It's not such a bad thing to be friendly even in the face of vandalism or other rudeness. I usually just look up the new users and post a welcome to everyone who hasn't received a welcome message (even the ones who have posted something to their talk pages already, and the ones who have received non-welcoming communications from other users). After I do this, I use the convenient "User contributions" link to see what they've been up to. In rare cases, I've replaced my welcome with a block notice. But usually I like starting on a good foot, even if I have to immediately follow up with a "I'm sorry to see that..." post. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:21, 25 March 2007 (UTC)

title: User talk:Dev920


text:
User talk:Nessaja~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 15:32, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Nessaja. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Nessaja~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:32, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:53, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Nessaja~enwikiquote


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Blayne Hosey

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: delete. — —LrdChaos 15:57, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Blayne Hosey
Non-notable member of a non-notable band. No Google hits on the name, less than 200 for the band's name, no Wikipedia pages for either. —LrdChaos 02:33, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote closed. Result: delete (six votes to delete, no dissent). —LrdChaos 15:52, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

 * Delete. —LrdChaos 02:33, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless evidence of notability provided. For a "popular rock band", Hosey's "Metal Dove" doesn't seem to have any Internet buzz that I noticed. Sounds more like wishful thinking, or at best a very local popularity. Still, I wish them luck. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:24, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. -- Robert 12:58, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. ~ UDScott 18:44, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 20:25, 12 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. 121a0012 02:44, 16 August 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Bram Atlin

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: delete. —LrdChaos 15:58, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Bram Atlin
Non-notable college student/fraternity member. —LrdChaos 02:37, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote closed. Result: delete (six votes to delete, one vote to keep from anon editor with only one other edit). —LrdChaos 15:54, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

 * Keep. Bram is a very notable member of the Alpha Epislon Pi fraternity. He has won many awards and is being recruited to become a member of international 216.75.171.108 05:21, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. —LrdChaos 02:37, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. College students, however prominent on their campus or in their fraternities, are not generally notable. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:20, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. -- Robert 12:58, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. ~ UDScott 18:44, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 20:25, 12 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. 121a0012 02:44, 16 August 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Mel Gibson

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: keep. —LrdChaos 15:59, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Mel Gibson
Definite violation of WQ:NPOV; this particular quote (and the subsequent apology) could probably find a place as a small part of a larger page, but are hardly representative of Gibson. —LrdChaos 02:40, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote closed. Result: keep (seven votes to keep, no dissent). —LrdChaos 15:55, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

 * Delete unless other, sourced quotes are added to the page. —LrdChaos 02:40, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep now that other quotes have been added. I've also suggested a change to the NPOV policy at Wikiquote talk:Neutral point of view. —LrdChaos 14:32, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep and expand - Gibson is clearly notable, and has said many notable things worth reporting here. BD2412 T 02:43, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * I've added a few. BD2412 T 02:58, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep, but source the quotes and remove them if unsourceable. (Adding other quotes would really help, too, to give a less-narrow view of this person.) We don't have a formal policy to match w:Wikipedia:Biographies of living persons (the only WQ-specific thing in WQ:NPOV is that non-quote text must conform to a neutral point-of-view), but we need to follow Wikimedia Foundation's sensitivity to this general issue. Since we are supposed to have sources for all quotes anyway, it's reasonable to demand them for controversial statements from celebrities. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:19, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep per Jeffq. -- Robert 12:58, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep, concur with Jeffq. ~ UDScott 18:45, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. - InvisibleSun 20:25, 12 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Keep. 121a0012 02:44, 16 August 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Wikiquote:Votes for deletion archive/Ana Gramajo

 * The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed deletion of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review).  No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: delete. —LrdChaos 15:59, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Ana Gramajo
Not notable. No Wikipedia page, and only seven results from Google, all on the same site, which include the name in what appears to be a long list of co-authors for a research paper of some sort. —LrdChaos 02:43, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Vote closed. Result: delete (six votes to delete, no dissent). —LrdChaos 15:56, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

 * Delete. —LrdChaos 02:43, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete unless evidence of notability provided. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 06:21, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. -- Robert 12:58, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete, unless evidence of notability is provided. ~ UDScott 18:46, 10 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. - InvisibleSun 20:25, 12 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Delete. 121a0012 02:44, 16 August 2006 (UTC)

 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the debate. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the article's talk page or in a deletion review). No further edits should be made to this page.


text:
Template talk:Vfd top

Include result in template?
Having now closed and archived some VFDs with the new method, it seems like it would make a lot more sense to include the result as a parameter to the template. That way, it's grouped there, and could be bolded automatically (as part of the template), so that the archiving admin doesn't have to worry about that, just attaching their sig. —LrdChaos 16:06, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

 * I've gone ahead and added the result as an optional parameter to the template. If a result is provided, it will be automatically bolded by the template. If no result is provided, the behavior remains the same as before. —LrdChaos 16:13, 31 August 2006 (UTC)

title: Template talk:Vfd top


text:
Talk:Mel Gibson

—LrdChaos 16:07, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Needs cleanup plus sources

 * Please feel free to add. No bolding plz and try to add sources.

 * Okay, folks, we've got three editors simultaneously working on this article and stepping on each others' toes. ☺ I'll back off, but allow me to suggest that ResurgamII had a good idea in trying to convert the bare-link sources to explicit ones; it was just not completed by adding a "References" section with a   tag that would display the citations. (I added this just after ResurgamII's first edit, but then s/he reverted both changes, perhaps after realizing his/her first change didn't completely work.)

 * We definitely do want explicit sources. Usually on Wikiquote, each source is included in a separate line under the quote. If there are many quotes from a few sources, some articles use Wikipedia's footnoting system to collect them. Either way is fine (in my humble opinion), as long as the details of the source are displayed somewhere — author, article title, work title, date, etc. We now have cite web, cite news, and cite book templates to make this easier to format for display. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 20:36, 29 August 2006 (UTC)

- Sorry about that and thanks for the information. I'm finished anyway. Edit away! --ResurgamII 13:34, 30 August 2006 (UTC)

those quote only reflect one short part of mel Gibsons life and carreer and that is his ONE tme DUI arrest when he was drunk and say lots of rabbish. You cnanot use that in a wikipedia quote as a definition of the actor and it is exgtremellly visible that the peple contributign to this page are oNE SIDED and agaisnt this actor, wich is segregative, and only chose quote who in their opinion will make the person most unlikable ot anyone. I suggest therefor to put this on hold and to deleete the content of the quote section who is dispicable. There is lots of quote about Mel Gibson who got nothing tio do with DUI arrest and all whats in that page is obviously under the influence of mass media and paparazzi gossips. Is wikipedia ot be the reflection of gossips magazins? or is it to be a serious web site where people can feel save to quote informations from? What about his life work? what about his thousands of work project for charitable organisations to help families, kids, and different ethnicities in the world to survive? I do not accept that Mel Gibson is define as a facist and to just use the quotation veil to call him that is no excuse! There is lots of people who talk very good of him and to only put the talk of one single person there is not somehting i can agree with specialy when that quote is so offending and extreme,.. it shoudl be put at a quote for the person who said it to show what kind of person he is! and not here in wiki to talk about Mel Gibson! so we should chosesomehting he said who freally define the man, and not soemthing you would like tooffend him with! and so put the name of someone else on it! This wiki quote about Mel Gibson is so shameless and offending that you should be sue for comng wiht that or call yoruself a blog somewhee on the internet for gossip deliberatly agains tMel Gibson, but not come here and post all that crap as being soemthing serious and elaborate about a man who never did wrong in hislife, instead of treating him like he had killed 2 people not drunk and on full burden! Mind that alcohol was used in medecin as anestethic before cutting legs or pulling off tooth and other more complicate operation, to make sure the patient wont feel a thing and wont remember a thing.. Saying jew, or US, or arabs, or chineese, or french, are the cause of allwars, is not a crime. Its politicaly and historicaly uncorect, but there si lots of people saying lots of non factual stuff around that doesnt make them into target for such harassement aS WE SEE HERE MISTER MEL GIBSON being the subject of. So why do you do so? Ask yourself why. This page only reflect one negativ event in his life and is totaly submerged by it only! I dont see any comment form the Parkinsons' interview and any mention of Björn, nor from the Martin Riggs stuff.. Where are they all? Most of those are free access on youtube so thats easy. So for me there is here a calculated will to avoid anything tangible and positiv and funny and real about Mel Gibson, to only keep a charicature of the man who do not at all correspond to whom the person really is and who disguise the truth, to tell a lie some people will like to tell other and make them believe about. In short, this quote page of MG, is only there to entertain a myth, that MG is a racist and an antisemite and a religious extremist which he is not! This wikipedia quotation page has become a free room for harrassement of people who arent there to defend themselves, from people who dont know a thing at all about the man, and his life and work and all his activities, and who didnt put them into the subject and stude it at all, but whoonly came here to get even on someone they decided to hate based on gossips from mass media and intensive harrassement of the man in the press, which they mimic here. This quotation page is as valid as coments made about britney spear in the hollywood gossip press and other "lets-mug-someone-elses-faces" type of magazins and websites. If wikipedia accept that, then wikipedia is not a place where to seek informations. That image only reflect one single side of event made by a very extrmistic part of the media specialised in making a mountain outof a molehill, to sell sell sell, and to od so with everybody who is known.. an dto make them know negatively. This image do not reflect reality, but a very major distrotion of it and can therefor not be accepted as the reflection of reality and the truth about the person. Does anyon of oyu for exemple know that the passage of the passion of Christ who was so muhc criticise forbeingantisemitic, was only a phrase who is taken fromthe bible, from Matteus? and that this exact phrase is to be heared also in a movie about the life of Christ, call " thelast temptation of christ" and made by Martin Scoeseze, who is jew, some years before he made the Godfather, and his movie was never criticized for being antisemite. It mad waves too, for otehr reasons, for his free interpretation of the life of Christ, but not for antisemitisme, and he also had Jesus screaming to his own people and to the highst Rabbi "who do you think oyu are jew? you think you are better than others!? HUH!? You are not! You think you are the chosen race? chosen by God? You are not!" and followed a long tirade, who is not very good to the jewish communitiy, an dwho is not in the bible at all, and who was a freelance interpretation from Martin Scorseze,and how he envisioned it and what he wanted oto say himself to the jewish community.. out of the movie theaters (!) but he wasnt critisised for antisemitisme nor accused of all sort of crimes nor persecuted, thus what is shown and said in his movie, is far more over the line than anything at all you can see in Mel Gibsons movie "The Passion of Christ". I htink it is very important to take this exemple here ot put htings in perspective an understand what mechanisme have been playing here, to build up to this total harrassemen of MG as a perosn for crimes he never comitted. 4 very known actors in Hollywood, have aid of MG AFTER the DUI arrest that he was a very generosu and helpfull man. 2 of them were jews. Where is this in your quotation list, under Mel Gibson the man? Is the mods or admin here bloking for the truth because the perosn is opinioniated herself/himself about the subject, or is htisdue to a total lack of real moderation? how moderated is it to define MG wiht a single sentence who define him as a facist?!? This is absurd, extreme, unjustified, and undeserved!

I wish to see this being fixed, and remedied to, and ot see some serious well founded discussion and quotations founding place here. If oyu come to tlak about MG just to throw tomatoes at his face with no risks and no charge, just say so, but odnt come her at wikipedia to hide it as being some serious description of the person. I am sure that oyu dont even know that his body Guards are jews and that they come for theisraelian secret service, and that they both protect him and his childrens, and that he had to hired them after he received several death threats against him and his kids, during themaking of th ePassion of Christ and a year before the movie prmiére! So see what that kind of folie and extremeisme and quote extremisme and selfrighteousness and "get even" spirit can lead to, by people whos only sources are the mass media and gossips entertainers, and dontelt wikipedia be one of them! This is as wrong as can be. And as faulse as can be.

Wikipedia is supposed to be a source of information, not a source of difamation! And thats what it is becoming if this quotation page is alowed to stay as it is.

I do not see any discussions taking place at the discussion page and being visible. Can someone tell me why? Thanks.
 * Most quotes reflect one short period in the speaker's life - the moment they are uttering the quote. This is Wikiquote, not Wikipedia, we don't "talk about" positive or negative things in an article, we merely report notable things which the subject has been reported as having said. BD2412 T 16:05, 19 June 2008 (UTC)

Eszterhas letter

 * "A nine-page letter to Gibson from writer Joe Eszterhas, leaked to The Wrap"

This is mentioned in http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/hollywood-vs-mad-mel-the-sequel-new-anti-semitism-claims-hit-mel-gibson-7640600.html and I think it refers to https://www.thewrap.com/joe-eszterhas-letter-mel-gibson-36949/

The Independent goes on:
 * The letter paints a lurid picture of the Academy Award winner, claiming that in their meetings he “continually called Jews ‘Hebes’ and ‘oven-dodgers’ and ‘Jewboys’,” and described the Holocaust as “mostly a load of horseshit”. According to it, Gibson is said to believe that there is a “Jewish/Masonic conspiracy to destroy the Catholic Church”, and almost pushed the writer into quitting when he proclaimed: “What I really want to do with this movie is convert the Jews to Christianity.”

How would we present these purported claims? I don't know if we should assume Joe is reliable in quoting Mel directly. Certainly attributed quotes but seem neither proven or disproven. ScratchMarshall (talk) 04:08, 21 February 2018 (UTC)

title: Talk:Mel Gibson


text:
User talk:Bvr01

Cameron McCammon
An article that you've created and/or edited, Cameron McCammon, has been nominated for deletion at Votes for deletion (VfD). Based on reviews of similar quote articles, it is suspected that these are not quotes of notable figures with published references, which is what Wikiquote collects, but rather quotes from yourself or your friends or acquaintances. These are what we refer to as "vanity" quotes, much like Wikipedia's "vanity" articles. As is pointed out in FAQ and What Wikiquote is not, which are recommended reading, such quotes are perfectly acceptable on one's user page, but are not a proper subject for quotation in Wikiquote articles.

If so, I invite you to copy the quotes to your user page before the article is deleted. If instead these people have some notoriety in the world at large, and have been quoted in the mainstream media, please provide evidence of this in the VfD entry mentioned above. Thank you for your cooperation. —LrdChaos

title: User talk:Bvr01


text:
User talk:69.182.94.246

~ UDScott 17:25, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Please stop. If you continue to create nonsense pages, you will be blocked from editing Wikiquote. —LrdChaos 17:33, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:69.182.94.246


text:
User talk:71.234.182.48

~ UDScott 17:25, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:71.234.182.48


text:
User talk:69.37.17.69

~ UDScott 17:26, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:69.37.17.69


text:
Rickard Falkvinge

Rickard Falkvinge (born 21 January 1972) is the founder and current leader of the Pirate Party of Sweden. He has worked at Microsoft as a project leader, besides managing a smaller software company before resigning to focus on the Pirate Party.

Quotes

 * We safeguard the right to attribution very strongly. After all, what we are fighting for is the intent of copyright as it is described in the US constitution: the promotion of culture. Many artists are using recognition as their primary driving force to create culture.
 * Wikinews Interview (June 20, 2006)

 * Either we, as a society, decide that copyright is the greater value to society, and take active steps to give up private communications as a concept. Either that, or we decide that the ability to communicate in private, without constant monitoring by authorities, has the greater value - in which case copyright will have to give way.
 * Wikinews Interview (June 20, 2006)

 * For the first time, we saw everything they could bring to the battle. And it was... nothing. Not even a fizzle. All they can say is "thief, we have our rights, we want our rights, nothing must change, we want more money, thief, thief, thief". And shove some poor artists in front of them to deliver the message. Whereas we are talking about scarcity vs. abundance, monopolies, the nature of property, 500-year historical perspectives on culture and knowledge, incentive structures, economic theory, disruptive technologies, etc. The difference in intellectual levels between the sides is astounding.
 * P2P Consortium Interview (January 12, 2008)

title: Rickard Falkvinge


text:
User talk:Silent0

currently working on: Rickard Falkvinge

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 19:23, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Silent0


text:
User:Silent0

Hello!
currently working on: Rickard Falkvinge

 * if you wish to address that, or any other item with me (as opposed to discussing in general at specific article talk pages) go to my User talk:Silent0

title: User:Silent0


text:
User talk:Lixbeth

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 19:22, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Lixbeth


text:
User talk:Wikiquote~enwikiquote

Blocked
This username has been blocked as "deliberately confusing." —LrdChaos 19:24, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Wikiquote. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Wikiquote~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:38, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 06:01, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Wikiquote~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:-Ilhador-~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! —LrdChaos 19:23, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called -Ilhador-. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name -Ilhador-~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:16, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:40, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:-Ilhador-~enwikiquote


text:
Martin Short

Martin Hayter Short, OC (born March 26, 1950) is a Canadian actor, writer, comedian, impressionist, singer and dancer. He is also a naturalized American citizen.

Quotes

 * When my dad died at the end of my sophomore year [at university], I stopped and took stock of my life. There was this real sense that my childhood was officially over. I decided I wanted to be an actor. I knew I was loved as a kid. The thing you can always rely on, your core person, comes from your family's attention and love. When my mother got sick, and I'd see her fight to survive, it gave me an early view of bravery and what life was about. I was able to prepare for it. Your mother dies, and you're eighteen, and you face a choice. Are you going to take drugs? Become a drunk? Or are you going to try to become more spiritual? Why not go with the thing that seems more positive? [pause] Why do I tend to be optimistic? Because the alternative is just crushing to my soul.
 * Parade Magazine; January 23, 2000
 * I truly believe that when you're funny, you're blessed. Your whole life is kind of golden. I was happy, although it was not perfect happiness. There was illness and sadness and death.
 * Parade Magazine; January 23, 2000
 * I'm totally aware of how lucky I am. I have health, family, children. I do work that gives me total joy and allows me to make a living, and maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll feel I've fulfilled a little bit of service to society because I brought other people some laughter.
 * Parade Magazine; January 23, 2000
 * It's the bane of existence for anyone in comedy. 'The photograph must be funny!' So the people coordinating the shoot throw rubber chickens at you, 20 at a time. Or put a feathered hat on you. Or give you a clown nose. Of course, all of this makes you depressed, so you wind up looking more like you're promoting A Long Day's Journey Into Night.
 * "Hot Seat", Time Out New York; Issue 565: July 27–August 2, 2006
 * [Ed Grimley] lives in a retirement home in New Jersey. It's called the Retirement Home in New Jersey for Characters Who Were Interesting in the '80s for About an Hour. He's there with the Whiners, Gumby and Jon Lovitz's 'That's the ticket' guy.
 * "Hot Seat", Time Out New York; Issue 565: July 27–August 2, 2006

title: Martin Short


text:
Stuart Chase

Stuart Chase (1888–1985) was an American economist and engineer trained at MIT.

Quotes

 * Citizens of a modern society need [...] more than that ordinary "common sense" which was defined by Stuart Chase as that which tells you that the world is flat.
 * Stuart Chase in S. I. Hayakawa (1949) Language in Thought and Action. p. 29-30

 * Political democracy can remain if it confines itself to all but economic matters.
 * The Economy of Abundance (1934), p. 313, as quoted in The Road to Serfdom (1944), p. 124.

title: Stuart Chase


text:
Talk:Flight 29 Down

I'll finish updating this article soon. -- ~ * Cute 1 4 u  |talk to me! * ~  22:32, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Finally finished. But a new season is coming September 9, 2006. I have no other info on that besides the air-date.-- ~ * Cute 1 4 u  |talk to me! * ~  02:47, 27 August 2006 (UTC)

tomorrow at 7pm (central time). new season. -- ~ ☺ ♥ * Cute 1 4 u  |talk to me!  * ♥ ☺  ~  03:07, 9 September 2006 (UTC)

this show sucks

Awesome! We probably should actually clean up the quotes so that they look like all the other quotes. Like, un-italicised or something. I may do it over this weekend if I have time. And there's a Flight 29 Down marathon airing this weekend as well, so I'll take down quotes.

H'okay. I fixed up the formatting. I think it's better now. <3 ya all! And Johnny Pacar is HAWT! - Cookie Crazy

title: Talk:Flight 29 Down


text:
User talk:62.183.50.164

- InvisibleSun 01:00, 25 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:62.183.50.164


text:
User:TheMuuj/Cabin Boy

Cabin Boy is a 1994 fantasy film about a foul-mouthed finishing school graduate who mistakenly winds up on an ill-fated fishing boat, and faces the wrath of a crew that considers him bad luck..
 * Directed by Adam Resnick. Written by Chris Elliott and Adam Resnick. Produced by Tim Burton.

He's sailing high on the high seas, without a rudder, a compass, or a clue. taglines

Nathanial Mayweather

 * These pipes are clean!
 * I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!
 * Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had.
 * We should call this place Wackyville... because it's wacky!

Old salt in fishing village

 * When you're on the Queen Catherine, don't let 'em give you any of that flank steak bullshit. You know what I mean? Try the London Broil.
 * Gosh you're cute. Wanna buy a monkey?
 * Man, oh man, I hate those fancy lads!

Others

 * Trina: Thats wonderful. I'm always flattered when a psychotic becomes smitten with me.
 * Cupcake: Now I know what you're thinking. "What could be stranger than a big fatass floatin' cupcake?" Heh. How about one that spits tobacco?
 * Kenny: Mmmm. Gum.
 * Paps: Okay, you icy bastard, how about a hot cup-a joe!

Dialogue

 * Nathanial: Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had.
 * Paps: Ah, stop that. You'll have my glass eye foggin' over.

 * Nathanial: Oh, cappy, tell me about all of this. Tell me about the sea. What does it mean to you?
 * Captain Greybar: Basically, money. I come from six generations of seamen all with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk, and get laid.

 * Nathanial: I love sitting up here, looking at those bright, twinkly things in the sky, I forget their technical name.
 * Trina: Stars.
 * Nathanial: Whatever.

 * Nathanial: I overheard the captain saying it would be jolly-jack splendid to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii
 * Kenny: Yea... that sounds like the captain... you do good impressions.

 * Skunk: We're just here to catch fish and stink.
 * Paps: Mostly the latter.

 * Trina: And secondly, don't ever call me missy again or you'll end up losing the rest of your teeth.
 * Paps: Sassy little thang ain't she? Want me to give her a SPANKING?
 * Skunk: Why doesn't she give ME a spanking?

Taglines

 * He's sailing high on the high seas, without a rudder, a compass, or a clue.

Cast

 * Chris Elliott — Nathanial Mayweather
 * Ritch Brinkley — Captain Greybar
 * James Gammon — Paps
 * Ricki Lake — Figurehead
 * Brian Doyle-Murray — Skunk
 * David Letterman — Old salt in fishing village
 * Brion James — Big Teddy
 * Melora Walters — Trina
 * I.M. Hobson — Headmaster Timmons
 * Alex Nevil — Thomas
 * David H. Sterry — Lance
 * Bob Elliott — William Mayweather
 * Edward Flotard — Limo Driver
 * Jim Cummings — Cupcake (voice)
 * Ann Magnuson — Calli
 * Russ Tamblyn — Chocki

title: User:TheMuuj/Cabin Boy


text:
User talk:203.36.44.18

- InvisibleSun 06:01, 25 August 2006 (UTC)

- InvisibleSun 23:19, 1 August 2009 (UTC)

title: User talk:203.36.44.18


text:
User:Etc

About me
Hello! I'm Софья (Sofia), a 24 year-old girl from St. Petersburg, Russia.

I'm a newbie here so I will be glad to accept any help or advice.

--Etcetera 12:06, 25 August 2006 (UTC)

title: User:Etc


text:
User talk:Mwasim1~enwikiquote

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 10:37, 25 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Mwasim1. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Mwasim1~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:31, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:53, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Mwasim1~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Ahruman

Welcome
Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy! ~ Jeff Q (talk) 10:37, 25 August 2006 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * To sign with a date, write four tildes (~~) and save.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:Ahruman