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Stargate SG-1/Season 3

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Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner, is based on the 1994 science fiction film Stargate by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.

Into The Fire [3.1]

 * Col. Makepeace: Can you walk on that?
 * Dr. Jackson: It's just a deep bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.

 *

 * [Col. O'Neill grabs Hathor from behind]
 * Hathor: (in a female voice) We will destroy you for this.
 * Col. O'Neill: And we would just like you to go away!
 * [Col. O'Neill throws Hathor into a pool of liquid nitrogen]

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [pretending to be a Goa'uld] Jaffa, Hi!
 * Trofsky: Old man Goa'uld. How are ya?
 * [pause]
 * Col. O'Neill: You heard me, I said "hi!"
 * Dr. Jackson: Jack?
 * Col. O'Neill: Hey guys. Makepeace! Nice rescue! Good Job!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: All right, listen up. There's something you should know before you start shooting and killing and ruining what could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Our beloved Hathor…is dead.
 * Trofsky: What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yeah, okay, ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's… well, let's face it, she's a former queen.

Seth [3.2]

 * Col. O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
 * Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill. A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips.
 * [Teal'c bursts into loud laughter. Everyone else stares.]
 * (Joke explanation: The helmet of the Serpent guard looks like a snake, the Horus guard looks like an eagle with a golden beak, the Setesh guard helmet looks kind of like the head of an aardvark with elongated jackal ears, clearly fictitious, but overall not dog-like.)

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
 * Dr. Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
 * Col. O'Neill: Eunuchs as in…snip-a-dee do-da? Sweet.

 *

 * Seth: Welcome. Who are you?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, I'm Larry, this is Moe, and of course, everyone's favorite, Curly.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: So help me. If I wake up, and I'm singing soprano…

 *

 * Teal'c: Many things are complicated, General Carter. In Jaffa society, loving one's children is not one of them.

 *

 * [ATF phone rings, Hemner answers]:
 * Special agent J. Hemner: Hemner. Yes Mr. President. Yes sir, I am, yes sir... Well yes sir they are here sir, but... With respect sir, the jurisdictional rules in this case are clear, this is a civilian matter. Are you sure you wanna do that sir? Yes Mr. President.
 * [To his fellow] Get Col. O'Neill in here.
 * Col. O'Neill: Something I can do for ya?
 * Special agent J. Hemner: You wanna tell me what's going on?
 * Col. O'Neill: Didn't you say you know more than I do..?
 * Special agent J. Hemner: Well apparently not, I just got off the phone with the president.
 * Col. O'Neill: [Faking a surprise] Of the United States of America? [Small pause] Sweet. How's he doing?

 *

 * Agent Hamner: In fact, I'm to issue you an emergency special agent credential. He's put you in charge of this operation.
 * Col. O'Neill: Excellent! My first order of business: Get me one of those cool jackets! Extra large. Double X-L if you got it.

Fair Game [3.3]

 * Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, I would like you to act as liaison to the Goa'uld. Dr. Jackson—
 * Teal'c: [interrupting] Gen. Hammond.
 * Gen. Hammond: Is there a problem?
 * Teal'c: I mean no disrespect. But I have given my allegiance to you, to the SGC and to the people of this world, freely. I will, however, not see to the petty needs of these Goa'ulds.
 * Dr. Jackson: [to Hammond] I'll... see to the petty needs of the Goa'uld, sir.
 *
 * Dr. Jackson: Uh, the second Goa'uld representative we're expecting is Yu.
 * Col. O'Neill: Me?
 * Dr. Jackson: "Yu" is the name of the Goa'uld.
 * Col. O'Neill: Sorry.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: What just happened?
 * Col. O'Neill: Apparently we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Daniel typed up a formal letter—in Goa'uld—and I signed it. That boy can really grovel if he has to.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: We believe you, Teal'c, but I just don't think anyone else is going to.
 * Col. O'Neill: Certainly not those lying, scheming, no-good-for-nothing, slimy, overdressed stylemongers--
 * Maj. Capt. Carter: Sir! I'd like to try something.
 * [Carter leaves]
 * Col. O'Neill: I wasn't finished.

 *

 * Maj. Capt. Carter: [holding a trans-phase eradication rod on Nirrti] You ever seen one of these things work? 'Cause there's nothing more I would like to do right now than demonstrate.

 *

 * [The System Lords are leaving through the Stargate]:
 * Cronus: (in a Mad Scientist voice) We will not attack your world, but if you continue to use your stargate, be warned... Anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be shown no mercy. They will suffer greatly...
 * Col. O'Neill: Well that certainly makes life more interesting.
 * [After the System Lords leave]
 * Dr. Jackson: [About Nirrti betraying the other System Lords] Boy, is she gonna get it.
 * Col. O'Neill: [Plainly] My heart bleeds.

Legacy [3.4]

 * Dr. Jackson: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous, I'm out of control? [pause] It's 'cause I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [As they enter the room with dead people] Now that is not a good smell.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: [After seeing a Goa'uld entrance scar on one corpse] These aren't quite human. They're Goa'uld.

Learning Curve [3.5]

 * Col. O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
 * Merrin: Yes.
 * Col. O'Neill: How old are you?
 * Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you?
 * Col. O'Neill: So… Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

 *

 * Merrin: You aren't a scientist?
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh no.
 * Merrin: Then you are not as smart as Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well it depends on what you mean by... Okay, no! I'm not. But while they were stuck in school, I was out doing other things, like, having fun.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: All right! Will you two give it a rest? Both of you. You've been at this for 24 hours. You need rest.
 * Merrin: I do not need to. Urrone children require little sleep.
 * Maj. Carter: Okay, now I am jealous.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [Young girl paints a picture of Jack] I look fat.

 *

 * O'Neill is trying to get to know Merrin after she has gone through the Averium ceremony, resulting in the loss of her prior personality. He finds her coloring on a wall with crayons he gave her as a gift.  He picks up a purple crayon and draws a picture of a face on the wall.  Merrin considers it, then scribbles it out.
 * Col. O'Neill: You’re right. What was I thinking? [scribbles his original drawing out further] You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favourite people. Some have tails, some don’t...Not a lot of purple dogs...

 *

 * Tomin: [To Teal'c] I think I understand now why the Goa'uld are so feared.

Point of View [3.6]

 * Col. O'Neill: All right, so it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [to the alternate Carter] Well exactly, you don't know any of us. And we don't know you, for all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with cliches and you know how I feel about those. Well, actually, you [pointing to Maj. Carter] know how I feel about those.

 *

 * [The Carters are examining the Energy Device made by O'Neill in "The Fifth Race"]
 * Samantha Carter from the parallel Universe: This is incredible. If the Asgard could design this, they're just the little green men we're looking for.
 * Col. O'Neill: They're grey, actually. Roswell Grey, to be exact.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: The combined IQ of Earth might go up a few points having two Carters around.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Okay, well, this is all well and good, but none of us are going anywhere unless we get that Asgard generator working again.
 * Col. O'Neill: Carter, download the program to the removable whatever it is and meet me and yourself in the lab.

 *

 * [Jackson is fiddling with the quantum mirror SG-1 needs to get back home]
 * Col. O'Neill: All right, I gotta know.
 * Dr. Jackson: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
 * Col. O'Neill: No, no, no, not that. What the hell does "kree" mean?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, actually it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means "attention", "listen up", "concentrate"…
 * Col. O'Neill: "Yoo-hoo?"
 * Dr. Jackson: Yes, in a manner of speaking.

 *

 * Apophis: My First Prime killed you before my very eyes.
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm feeling much better, thank you.

 *

 * [An alternate-reality Carter has to say goodbye to O'Neill, whose counterpart she married]
 * Samantha: You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice…same hands.
 * Col. O'Neill: Which brings to mind an obvious question: How could you marry such a loser?

 *

 * [The Carters are arguing]:
 * Col. O'Neill: Ladies! Sams... We're all in this... reality together.

Deadman Switch [3.7]

 * Maj. Carter: Sir, he's not a Goa'uld.
 * Col. O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?

 *

 * Aris Boch: You were thinking of the Goa'uld personal shields. The ones which allow slower-moving objects to pass through. That would hardly make a good trap, now, would it?
 * Col. O'Neill: Can't blame a girl for trying.

 *

 * Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
 * Dr. Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
 * Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
 * Dr. Jackson: …of archeology.

 *

 * Aris Boch: Captain? You must have some medical training.
 * Maj. Carter: Actually, I'm a… major now.
 * Aris Boch: Oh, well how very important. I'll inform the galaxy. Can you get over here now and help me, Major?

 *

 * Aris Boch: And you, O'Neill, you're considered... well, you're a pain in the mikta.
 * Col. O'Neill: [looks over at Teal'c] Neck?
 * Teal'c: No.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: We're exactly one zat gun short of actually having a zat gun.
 * Aris Boch: Zat gun?
 * Col. O'Neill: Drop the n'kitel.
 * [Aris considers this for a moment]
 * Aris Boch: I guess it does save a bit of effort.
 *

 * Col. O'Neill: So Teal'c, how does one Goa'uld fire weapons from several directions?
 * Teal'c: Tacs.
 * Col. O'Neill: Tac'nik'tels?
 * Teal'c: Tacuchnatagamuntorons.
 * [Jack stares at him]
 * Teal'c: Tacs.

 *

 * [O'Neill and Jackson are trying to remember the alien password Boch used to open his ship]
 * Dr. Jackson: Barockna!
 * Col. O'Neill: Gesundheit.

 *

 * [SG-1 meets Aris Boch]:
 * Col. O'Neill: Who are you?
 * Aris Boch: Aris Boch. Perhaps you've heard of me.
 * Col. O'Neill: Umm.. not I... Teal'c?
 * Teal'c: I have not.
 * Aris Boch: Well that's disappointing. I'm one of the galaxy's greatest bounty hunters.
 * Col. O'Neill: Not ringing a bell, sorry.
 * Aris Boch: Well I know you. Captain Samantha Carter. Dr Daniel Jackson. The Jaffa traitor Teal'c. And Colonel Jack O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, fancy that. We're famous.

 *

 * Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson is right. There is something you can do.
 * Col. O'Neill: Let's hear it.
 * Aris Boch: Well, you help me capture a Goa'uld, and I'll let you go.
 * Col. O'Neill: He's worth that much?
 * Aris Boch: Twice as much as all of you put together.
 * Col. O'Neill: Twice?
 * Dr. Jackson: Twice.
 * Aris Boch: What, you're gonna argue?

 *

 * Aris Boch: Oh, uh Dr. Jackson, I was lying to you before. The price on your head is much more than a day's ration. Actually, the Goa'uld want to see you dead as much as anyone for figuring out the stargate.
 * Dr. Jackson: Thank you, that... doesn't make me feel better.

Demons [3.8]

 * [SG-1 arrives on a new planet]
 * Col. O'Neill: Ah, trees, trees, and more trees. What a wonderfully green universe we live in, eh?
 * (This was an inside joke as one of Richard Dean Anderson's criticisms of always filming in Canada was the abundance of filming with lots of trees):

 *

 * Teal'c: This path is well travelled.
 * Dr. Jackson: This means the Stargate is still in use by someone.
 * Col. O'Neill: [Lifting his pinky to his mouth, remiscient of Dr. Evil] Or something...

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?
 * Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They…well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
 * Col. O'Neill: Thus…saving the person?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Carter, the next time I feel the urge to help someone, feel free to give me a swift kick.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: So.. how long you gonna keep this up? The demon bit? Don't get me wrong, looks like a great gig. You got the padre in your back pocket, the hours are good, probably get all the chicks...ahh! [Unas grabs his neck]
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh my apple!

 *

 * Unas: You are not of this world.
 * Col. O'Neill: No, no we're not. Unas? What does Sokar have on you that makes you so dang cranky?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Look, we've run into this kind of thing before. Now, it's not a demon. It's demonesque I'll grant you, but it's just a big, ugly creature.
 * Dr. Jackson: (quietly, to O'Neill) : Who's inhabited by a Goa'uld that gives it great strength, intelligence and the ability to regenerate.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes. It's a very smart, resilient creature.
 * Dr. Jackson: (quietly) : In the service of Sokar, who, for all intents and purposes, is Satan to these people.
 * Col. O'Neill: But it's not a demon.
 * Dr. Jackson: (to Simon) : No, it's not a demon.

Rules of Engagement [3.9]

 * Hibbard: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
 * Col. O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

 *

 * Capt. Rogers: You came through the Stargate. This is a challenge!
 * Dr. Jackson: The Stargate?
 * [Rogers realizes that he revealed too much]
 * Col. O'Neill: Oy.

 * Hibbard: [quietly, aside] The stargate, sir.
 * Capt. Rogers: Stargate of course. We've been so long without challenges. [to Teal'c] I am sorry Master Jaffa. I have revealed myself. [he gives Teal'c his sidearm] You must execute me for the remainder of the day.
 * Hibbard: [hands his rifle to Jack] You must execute me as well.
 * Col. O'Neill: Master Teal'c. Might I suggest we...spare them this time?
 * Teal'c: Very well...underling.
 * [Jack gives him a look]

 *

 * Capt. Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
 * Col. O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.

 *

 * [O'Neill brings the captive Rogers his lunch]
 * Col. O'Neill: Ol' Doc Frasier says you haven't been eating.
 * Capt. Rogers: It's poison.
 * Col. O'Neill: It's hospital food, of course it is. [takes a bite of Rogers' sandwich, then speaks with his mouth full] Mmm, tuna…
 * Capt. Rogers: Go to Sokar.
 * Col. O'Neill: It's "Go to hell" actually. Which, by the way, is a very rude thing to say to a person offering you a sandwich.
 * Capt. Rogers: It means the same.
 * Col. O'Neill: You've got a point.
 * Capt. Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, I've already begun. This…is the infamous Tuna Torture.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Teal'c, what about these?
 * Teal'c: They are intar.
 * Col. O'Neill: Short for?
 * Teal'c: Intar.

 *

 * Teal'c: This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. [To O'Neill] You may address the warriors.
 * Col. O'Neill: Apophis wanted me to tell you that you've all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you the whole…invasion of the Tau'ri idea has been canceled due to…rain.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: [To O'Neill] What happened, Colonel?
 * Capt. Rogers: [To Hammond] My Lord?
 * Col. O'Neill: Actually, we just call him…General Hammond.
 * Capt. Rogers: Where is Apophis?
 * Col. O'Neill: He's not here. Sorry.

 * Dr. Frasier: What have we got?

 * [Rogers realizes that he's been fooled and tries frantically to get off the stretcher]

 * Capt. Rogers: Liars! Traitors!

 * Dr. Frasier: Easy, easy!

 * Capt. Rogers: You will be punished! He will avenge me!

 * Dr. Frasier: [to Jack] Who is this, sir?

 * Col. O'Neill: His name is Rogers. Despite appearances, he's not SGC.

 * [Rogers is wheeled away]:
 * Gen. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes, my Lord.

 *

 * [O'Neill is explaining their plans]
 * Col. O'Neill: All right, once we take the encampment, we become the defenders to buy Carter time. Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?
 * Dr. Jackson: What?
 * Col. O'Neill: Good.

Forever in a Day [3.10]

 * Dr. Jackson: Déjà vu.
 * Col. O'Neill: Déjà vu.
 * Dr. Jackson: Déjà vu.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: See, now, I miss that. I have no idea what he's saying, but I buy it.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: How did you get in here?
 * Col. O'Neill: Got sick of waiting in the hall, so I let us in. You…need a new lock, by the way.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: So Bruce Jenner, sit this one out, huh?
 * Rothman: Uh, me, why?
 * Col. O'Neill: You've been reassigned to another unit.
 * Rothman: Why?
 * Col. O'Neill: Ok, you're being replaced.
 * Rothman: Why?
 * Col. O'Neill: Because I'm intimidated by your intelligence, where's the confusion here?

Past and Present [3.11]

 * Col. O'Neill: [to Jackson] Listen, I'm not saying the first woman you've fallen for since Sha're isn't a peach… but if she remembers who she is, you'll be the first to go.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Oh my. There is a distinct lack of optimism in this room.

 *

 * Dr. Frasier: Col.?
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm sorry, doctor. I forgot who I am.

 *

 * Ke'ra: There are two people inside me. In time, she will win.

 *

 * Ke'ra: I sense that before my memory was lost, we knew each other.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: Doctor, you're asking me to allow a known homicidal maniac to work with potentially lethal substances?
 * Dr. Fraiser: Yes sir. But with all due respect, Daniel may be right. Ke'ra may be an entirely different person than Linea, without the memories that made her the person she was.
 * Col. O'Neill: Scuse me, amnesia check? Destroyer. Of. Worlds.

Jolinar's Memories [3.12]

 * [Martouf and SG-1 are infiltrating a planet modeled after human conception of Hell.]
 * Martouf: Shall we embark?
 * Col. O'Neill: By all means. To Hell with us.

 *

 * Martouf: The Tok'ra have reason to believe that Sokar is preparing to launch a massive attack against the System Lords.
 * Col. O'Neill: Isn't that good news?
 * Teal'c: The chaotic and feudal nature of the System Lords fragmented rule is a far more vulnerable target than that of one all powerful Goa'uld.
 * Martouf: Especially if that Goa'uld is Sokar.
 * Gen. Hammond: He's really that much worse than the others?
 * Dr. Jackson: Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose The Devil.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Is it me, or is it actually getting hotter in here?
 * Col. O'Neill: Uh, little of both, probably.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: You said Hell, right?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, I'm going to end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: (On seeing the inside of Ne'tu) Certainly not Emerald City.

The Devil You Know [3.13]

 * Col. O'Neill: You do understand we're not too happy to see you.
 * Apophis: Your insolence is music to my ears.

 *

 * Apophis: Major Carter was most forthcoming.
 * Col. O'Neill: She didn't tell you squat. Oh by the way, neither will I.
 * Apophis: You are not here for information. You are here for my amusement.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Your mate, Amonet, is dead. Sorry to ruin your day. [Pause] No, actually, I'm—I'm wrong about that. I'm not sorry.
 * Apophis: Sokar sent word to me of Amonet's death. I did not believe it.
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, believe it. It's true.
 * Apophis: Then it must also be true that Teal'c is the murderer!
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, that must just wrap things up real nice for you?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something…that reminded me of the 70's.
 * Dr. Jackson: The Blood of Sokar.
 * Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah?
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm going to pass out again.

 *

 * Tokra Aldrin: They're here! They're here! Go, Go, Go!

Foothold [3.14]

 * Col. O'Neill: How is a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?

 *

 * [O'Neill is in the infirmary for a post-mission checkup. A nurse approaches with a hypodermic, O'Neill watches dubiously as she prepares the needle.]
 * Col. O'Neill: [to the nurse] Listen, really jam it in this time, okay? [makes stabbing motion]

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have taken one day off?!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: You sure you're up to this?
 * Teal'c: As always.
 * Col. O'Neill: You're an animal.

 *

 * Col. Maybourne: What happened?
 * Maj. Carter: They self-destructed.
 * Teal'c: The destruction appears to be complete.
 * Maj. Carter: That's a lot of damage.
 * Col. O'Neill: Coat of paint. A little touch-up… it'll be fine.

 *

 * Teal'c: Those who escaped still possess the knowledge they obtained from being linked to your minds.
 * Col. O'Neill: That's creepy.

Pretense [3.15]

 * Maj. Carter: So you built that…Stargate?
 * Narim: Yes.
 * Dr. Jackson: [to O'Neill] Way smarter than we are.
 * Col. O'Neill: Ours is bigger.

 *

 * Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
 * Col. O'Neill: Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?

 *

 * Councillor Travell: [to Teal'c, sternly] You disregarded my warning.
 * Col. O'Neill: [pleased] Mine too. Well done.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: I thought the Nox were pacifists.
 * Lya: I merely hid the weapon, I did not fire it.
 * Maj. Carter: Ah. Pretty fine line you didn't cross.
 * Lya: Yes, it is.

 *

 * Councillor Travell: We are honored that you have agreed to participate in Triad. Your seeker will decide which one of you will be archon.
 * Col. O'Neill: Seeker? Archon? [to Daniel] Daniel?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Well, this just became a piece of cake, a walk in the park, a day at the beach!
 * Dr. Jackson: An accident waiting for a place to happen.
 * Col. O'Neill: Mr. Negative...

Urgo [3.16]

 * Gen. Hammond: Are we absolutely sure that SG1 is—what's the word?
 * Dr. Frasier: Sane?
 * Gen. Hammond: That's the one.

 *

 * [Sam is walking down the corridor in the middle of a conversation with Urgo]
 * Maj. Carter: I don't have time to play, Urgo, I don't care if I'm "it"...because I have work to do. [pause] No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill or something. I'm very busy right now.

 *

 * [Hammond and Dr. Frasier walk down the hall toward Sam]
 * Gen. Hammond: Major?
 * Maj. Carter: Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
 * Gen. Hammond: I see.
 * Maj. Carter: Oh, I wish you did.
 * Dr. Frasier: [addressing the empty corridor behind Carter] Alright, Urgo, Major Carter would like to...
 * Maj. Carter: [gestures to her right] Doctor- He's over here, actually.
 * Dr. Frasier: [addressing the empty space to Carter's right] Well then Urgo...Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.
 * Maj. Carter: As much as I appreciate it... please... Urgo, that is rude!
 * Dr. Frasier: [with a shocked look] What did he say?

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
 * Col. O'Neill: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

 *

 * Urgo: It's death or me. Me or death. You've got to decide. Me or death. [No answer.] Well?
 * Col. O'Neill: We're thinking.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render Urgo impotent.
 * Urgo: Could you, ah, rephrase that?

 *

 * Urgo: Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? [tonelessly] What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?

 *

 * Urgo: I want to live, I want to experience the universe, and I want to eat pie.
 * Col. O'Neill: Who doesn't?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to 'Row, row, row…'
 * [Dr. Fraiser turns on a recording of a surveillance video, in which O'Neill is, indeed, singing]
 * Col. O'Neill: [on video, singing]...life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream...
 * Col. O'Neill: [watching the video] Okay. If you call that "singing".

 *

 * Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
 * Col. O'Neill: Carter?
 * Major Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination.
 * Col. O'Neill: So…I…what?
 * Urgo: He gets confused. By the way: who is Mary Steenburgen?

 *

 * Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're gonna say, ooohhh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion? Woof!
 * Col. O'Neill: Years from now?
 * Dr. Jackson: Woof?!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Well, let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yapping away inside our heads?
 * Urgo: [whispering to Carter] Yes. Say 'yes.'
 * Col. O'Neill: Or do we want to take the chance so we can get on with our lives?
 * Urgo: [whispering to Carter] No. Say 'no.'

 *

 * Urgo: Sam, Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. Bubbeleh! [he pops his finger in his cheek]

 *

 * Urgo: You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui? With the big beaches and the little bikinis? Well, that's where we should go ... [Sam looks at Jack knowing. He shakes his head as if he has no idea what Urgo's talking about]

 *

 * Col O'Neill: [derisive] I'm sure you'll enjoy Urgo's presence just as much as we have.
 * Urgo: Ha, I knew you liked me!

 *

 * Urgo: Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and—and—and... mean.
 * Col. O'Neill: We're giving you a chance here. Him or death.
 * Urgo: No, I—
 * Col. O'Neill: Death or him.
 * Urgo: Oh dear.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well?
 * Urgo: I'm thinking.

 *

 * Urgo: I didn't mean to!
 * Col O'Neill, Dr. Jackson and Major Carter: He didn't mean to!
 * Teal'c: It was not his intention.

 *

 * Major Carter: The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.
 * Dr. Jackson: No obvious signs of civilization.
 * Major Carter: P4X-884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.
 * Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
 * Col. O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
 * Dr. Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
 * Col. O'Neill: Never run with…scissors?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Mmmm, mineral survey. My favorite.
 * Gen. Hammond: Colonel.
 * Col. O'Neill: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Au revoir, Mon General.
 * Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf Wiedersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means…
 * [They enter the Stargate, only to emerge in the SGC again]
 * Col. O'Neill: Goodbye?
 * Gen. Hammond: What happened?
 * Col. O'Neill: What happened?
 * Gen. Hammond: That's what I just asked you. Will someone please tell me what's going on?
 * Major Carter: General...we just left.
 * Gen. Hammond: You've been gone over 15 hours.

 *

 * Urgo: Whats this?
 * Major Carter: Its a defibrillator.
 * [Janet looks over at the defibrillator]
 * Urgo: Ah interesting. Thank you. Is it difibulating right now?
 * Major Carter: He...uh...it seems to crave new experiences. You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to peoples hearts who are beating irregularly.
 * Urgo: Ah. Then they feel better. Does it feel good?
 * [Sam shakes head "no"]
 * Urgo: Does it hurt?
 * [Sam shakes head "yes"]
 * Urgo: Whoa, it hurts.
 * Dr. Jackson: I would think so.
 * Urgo: Let's try it.
 * Dr. Jackson: I don't think so.
 * Urgo: It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?

A Hundred Days [3.17]

 * Maj. Carter: I'll make some more observations tonight, Sir.
 * Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna check the…geological record in the morning.
 * Col. O'Neill: I'll…make a wish.

Shades of Grey [3.18]

 * [The Tollans have just left the SGC Conference Room to retrieve their stolen Technology]
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, look who's here. Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff?
 * [shouting after the Tollans] It'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal!

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: How's the retirement going?
 * Col. O'Neill: Uh, great. I retire, I wake up, I retire… It's a living. [pause] I'm bored out of my skull, sir.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I do appreciate that you were the one to come and see if I was okay. That... that means something.
 * Dr. Jackson: Ah... actually, no, it doesn't.
 * Col. O'Neill: No?
 * Dr. Jackson: Um... we, ah, we drew straws.
 * [Jackson, Carter, and Teal'c all look at one another uncomfotably]
 * Dr. Jackson: I lost.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Kind of crossing the line…
 * Col. O'Neill: Shut up, Daniel.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you don't seem to understand how serious this matter is. You and your team have committed a court-martiable offense.
 * Col. O'Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c…well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow… [he demonstrates, raising his eyebrow]

New Ground [3.19]

 * Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
 * Col. O'Neill: I have no friends. In the woods or otherwise.

 *

 * [Rigar is questioning SG-1 about how they got to his planet.]
 * Rigar: "Wormholes"?
 * Col. O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Hey, Rigar, you know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

 *

 * Rigar: And how is this illusion of water created that I have heard described.
 * Dr. Jackson: Well you're right in that it is an illusion. It's not actually water.
 * Rigar: Then what is it?
 * Col. O'Neill: Magic.

Maternal Instinct [3.20]

 * Teal'c: Apophis must have transported off of Sokar's ship before it exploded.
 * Col. O'Neill: Son of a bitch! Somebody's got to teach that guy how to die.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: The monk is someone who has taken up curatorship.
 * Col. O'Neill: Kind of janitor?
 * Dr. Jackson: More of a guide.
 * Col. O'Neill: An usher?

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Is there a child in here?
 * Monk:There is a child in all of us.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: If we happen to make it out of here in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.

 *

 * [The team arrives at Kheb's temple]
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, someone's been reading Martha Stewart.

 *

 * Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
 * Col. O'Neill: What?
 * Dr. Jackson: Jack.
 * Col. O'Neill: No, I…you know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted.
 * Dr. Jackson: [to the monk] Sorry, don't worry about him.
 * Monk: The sun is warm, the wind is wild, the grass is green along the shores. Here no bull can hide.
 * Col. O'Neill: [to himself] I don't know about that.
 * Dr. Jackson: Jack, he's speaking in Zen Koans. Whatever theology he follows may be an original basis for Buddhism on Earth.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well that's very nice. I'll be sure to call the Dalai Lama when we get home.

 *

 * Monk: Those who seek one-ness, find all that they seek.
 * Dr. Jackson: I think this is gonna take a while.
 * Col. O'Neill: Really? What gives you that idea?

 *

 * Monk: When the mind is enlightened, the spirit is freed, the body matters not.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Oma? What does that mean?
 * Monk: Words cannot express things, speech cannot convey the spirit. Swayed by words, one is lost.

 *

 * Monk: Why do you seek this child of flesh and bones?
 * Dr. Jackson: He is the son of my wife.
 * Monk: But not your son.
 * Dr. Jackson: No. But my wife is dead now and I promised her I would make sure the boy is safe.
 * Monk: And you are sure he will be safe with you?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yes. Absolutely.
 * Monk: Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.

 *

 * Bra'tac: I am not yet ready to give up. I feel alive Teal'c, like a young man…of eighty. We still have false gods to slay.

 *

 * Monk: You hate the Goa'uld?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yes.
 * Monk: Your hate will lead to the child's death.

Crystal Skull [3.21]

 * Maj. Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.
 * Col. O'Neill: No matter how dense?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Hey. If you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything. Everything.
 *

 * [O'Neill is in the infirmary, recovering from lepton radiation sickness, while Dr. Rothman studies the crystal skull.]
 * Teal'c: Dr Rothman is now studying it.
 * Col. O'Neill: Rothman couldn't figure out an ashtray. The guy we need working on that skull is Daniel.
 * Teal'c: It is he whom we endeavor to locate, O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: Look, I'm sick of laying around. Help me up.
 * Teal'c: Dr. Frasier believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yeah, whatever.
 * [He tries to get up but only succeeds in rolling off the bed and onto the floor, where he lands with a 'thud'.]
 * Teal'c: [Looking down at O'Neill] Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.
 * [He bends down and hauls O'Neill back onto the bed, leaving him face down.]
 * Col. O'Neill: [muffled] Thank you.
 * Teal'c: You are welcome, O'Neill.

 *

 * [Concerning the crystal skull]
 * Dr. Rothman: Teleportation device? What do you think?
 * Sgt. Siler: I think you're gonna get fired.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: You can see me?
 * Nick Ballard: Yes, Daniel, I can see you.
 * Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] Why didn't you say something?!
 * Nick Ballard: You're not real, so it doesn't mean anything.
 * Dr. Jackson: No, no, I'm real! You're not hallucinating.
 * Nick Ballard: Hallucinations always say that.

 *

 * [Dr. Jackson is invisible to everyone except Nick]
 * Nick Ballard: Forgive me, he is here. Daniel is here.
 * Dr. Jackson: Repeat what I'm saying; I'm standing right beside you.
 * Nick Ballard: Standing right beside me.
 * Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] He's lost a few pounds.
 * Dr. Jackson: Jack, don't be an ass.
 * Nick Ballard: Jack, don't be an ass.
 * [O'Neill looks shocked]
 * Col. O'Neill: Daniel?

 *

 * Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
 * Col. O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.

Nemesis [3.22]

 * Dr. Jackson: You know, it's funny. I mean, after everything we've been through these past few years... and, of all things, it's my appendix that lays me out.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [to Carter] You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one got some leave time, one actually left. Daniel's recuperating, Teal'C's off visiting his kid somewhere... Personally, I have a date with a lake in Minnesota where the bass grow that big. [Opens his arms wide]
 * Maj. Carter: [Sarcastically] Really?!
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, Yes! What I'm describing here, Carter, involves a very important element...
 * Maj. Carter: This IS fun to me, Sir.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, if, playing with your little reactor sounds better than exploring the lakes and natural beauty of Northern Minnesota, there's not much I can do.
 * Maj. Carter: Was that an invitation... Sir?
 * Col. O'Neill: There's nothing wrong with that is there? [She shakes her head, then looks down to his chest, then back up to his eyes] Couple of Co-workers, friends if you will, fishing. It'd be fun.
 * Maj. Carter: [Smiles] Wow! [Blushing] I appreciate the offer, Sir, really! Sounds great! But I should..
 * Col. O'Neill: [Cutting her off] No sweat! See you in a week. And by all means, have fun! [He leaves, Sam considers the naquadah reactor]
 * Maj. Carter: [Running after O'Neill in the hallway] Colonel! [He turns] Uh... [He cocks his head, and raises his eyebrows] [Sam looses her smile] Have a good time!
 * Col. O'Neill: Land of sky-blue waters, loofas, [Sam smiles real pretty here] ya sure ya betcha', snookums, mosquitoes --- [He disappears in a white light]
 * [Sam looks astonished and hits a nearby base alarm button.]
 * [Cut to a shot of an Asgard ship in orbit over the Earth, we see a white light streaking toward the ship from the planet]
 * [Cut to interior of the Asgard ship. O'Neill appears in a flash of white light]
 * Col. O'Neill: ...Home of the loon. [A confused look crosses his face, he looks around] Thor? [Long pause as O'Neill looks around] Helloo?

 *

 * [Teal'c enters the airlock and the door closes]
 * Col. O'Neill: Say something.
 * Teal'c: One small step for Jaffa.
 * Col. O'Neill: Very nice.

Csillagkapu/3. évad

title: Stargate SG-1/Season 3


text:
Stargate SG-1/Season 4

 * Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Stargate: The Ark of Truth | Stargate: Continuum | Main

Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner, is based on the 1994 science fiction film Stargate by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.

Small Victories [4.1]

 * Col. O'Neill: Where's the fanfare, General?
 * Maj. Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
 * Col. O'Neill: Again. This should not get old, General.
 * Gen. Hammond: Job well done.
 * Col. O'Neill: Thank you, sir. It was nothing.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
 * Gen. Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
 * Col. O'Neill: [to Jackson, quietly] Bad?
 * Dr. Jackson: I wasn't going to say anything.

 *

 * Teal'c: The replicators are impervious to Goa'uld technology. They are, however, susceptible to human projectile weaponry. [Davis looks towards Jack confused]
 * Col. O'Neill: Guns.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Sir, if there are still a small enough number of replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly…
 * Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] Save the world?
 * Maj. Carter: Getting old for you, sir?

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: [to Thor] Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
 * Col. O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.
 * Gen. Hammond: Thor, with all due respect to your situation we need SG-1 here.
 * Maj. Carter: I could go, sir.
 * Col. O'Neill: I don't know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.
 * Maj. Carter: I think I can handle it

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Have fun.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yasureyabetcha...

 *

 * Maj. Carter: We did it!
 * Thor: It was your stupid idea.

 *

 * Thor: [referring to the Asgard form of food] I like the yellow ones.
 * Maj. Carter: [eating one of the yellow pieces, then recoiling in disgust] Oh, my God! [Glances over at Thor] Sorry.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: [referring to the Replicators] We kicked their asses!
 * Col. O'Neill: They had asses?

 *

 * Maj. Carter: The Asgard had this big new ship. The O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: [Smiles excitedly] Oh yeah?
 * Maj. Carter: But, we had to blow it up.
 * Col. O'Neill: [disappointed] Oh.

The Other Side [4.2]

 * Maj. Carter: Sir, this is the fifth incoming wormhole in the last hour and a half.
 * Col. O'Neill: Okay, I'm here two hours early. When did you get in?
 * Maj. Carter: Actually, sir, I never left.
 * Col. O'Neill: Didn't I order you to get a life?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] You've got that look.
 * Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
 * Dr. Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
 * Col. O'Neill: No, the other one.
 * Dr. Jackson: Oh.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Next time I tell you to shut up...!
 * Dr. Jackson: I didn't hear you tell me to shut up.
 * Col. O'Neill: Too subtle for ya?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, for once, yes. Would you hear me out?
 * Col. O'Neill: Carter, our standing orders, what are they?
 * Maj. Carter: To seek new allies and procure technologies to aid in the defense against the Goa'uld.
 * Col. O'Neill: And have we carried out those orders?
 * Dr. Jackson: We came here to help them!
 * Teal'c: Is that not what we are doing, Daniel Jackson?
 * Dr. Jackson: No. Their whole world is in flames and we are offering them gasoline. How is that help?
 * Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
 * Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] Thank you!
 * Dr. Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, stop it! It's not fair to Teal'c.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
 * Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
 * Col. O'Neill: Like what?
 * Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Upgrades [4.3]

 * Anise: You may call me Anise.
 * Dr. Jackson: Anise?
 * Anise: It means "Noble Strength".
 * Dr. Jackson: I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means... what's in the box?

 *

 * Anise: Your strength is five times that of a normal human.
 * Col. O'Neill: So, no increase then.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!
 * Anise: What did you find?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

 *

 * Waitress: What can I get you?
 * Col. O'Neill: Uh, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and a baked potato.
 * Waitress: You got it! [She starts to walk off.]
 * Col. O'Neill: Excuse me… that was for me!
 * [The waitress looks skeptical]
 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm going to have three as well.
 * Col. O'Neill: Four?
 * Dr. Jackson: Four… Four is good.
 * Maj. Carter: Me too, and french fries with mine… oh and a diet soda!
 * [O'Neill and Jackson look at her questioningly]
 * Maj. Carter: [defensively] I like the taste better!
 *

 * [SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]
 * Maj. Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
 * Maj. Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.
 * Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: The report said there was a brawl!
 * Col. O'Neill: More of a scuffle, sir.
 * Gen. Hammond:: You're lucky you didn't kill any of those men!
 * Col. O'Neill: No, we were very careful about that, General.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Should have brought more snacks.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Just remember, I retired. You wanted me back.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: General, sir, about the obviously impending court martials...
 * Gen. Hammond: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
 * Col. O'Neill: Even so, I'm sorry.
 * Maj. Carter: Me too.
 * Dr. Jackson: Me three.
 * [pause, Teal'c glances at the others]
 * Teal'c: [smugly] I have no need to apologize.
 * Gen. Hammond: Teal'c was actually following orders.
 * Col. O'Neill: Of course he was.

Crossroads [4.4]

 * Col. O'Neill: Well, I guess now we can go back and tell General Hammond that the Tok'ra boned us again!

 *

 * [Stargate is engaged offworld and Bra'tac's IDC is received. Instead of Bra'tac a young woman steps out of the Stargate]
 * Col. O'Neill: Bra'tac... you've done something with your hair!

 *

 * Teal'c: O'Neill?
 * Col. O'Neill: Master Teal'c.
 * Teal'c: I am in need of your assistance.
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm here to serve!

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Egeria, Roman goddess of fountains.
 * Col. O'Neill: Fountains?
 * Dr. Jackson: Also childbirth.
 * Col. O'Neill: How do those two go together?
 * Dr. Jackson: It doesn't matter. She was also adviser to Numa Pompilius, a legendary ruler.
 * Anise: Correct, Dr Jackson. Egeria came to the Tau'ri to stop the Goa'uld from taking humans through the Stargate as slaves. Ra found her and killed her, but not before she had spawned our movement.
 * Maj. Carter: Literally?
 * Anise: Yes.
 * Col. O'Neill: Thanks for the image.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: You know this whole talking to two people in one body thing really sucks

 *

 * [Teal'c has just explained how he is going to stop his heart to communicate with his symbiote]
 * Col. O'Neill: Is it dangerous?
 * Dr. Jackson: Jack, he's stopping his heart.
 * Col. O'Neill: I mean for us!

Divide and Conquer [4.5]

 * Freya: Anise, my symbiote, is far more interested in Dr. Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer.
 * Col. O'Neill: Look, there are so many reasons this is wrong... and weird... and wrong? Did I mention wrong?
 * Freya: Is it because I share my body with Anise?
 * Col. O'Neill: For starters.
 * Freya: Do you not find me attractive?
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, you're...

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: She made a pass at me
 * Dr. Jackson: [confused] Sam?
 * Col. O'Neill: Anise, Freya, one of them.
 * Dr. Jackson: Really?
 * Col. O'Neill: The host half.
 * Dr. Jackson: Uh, that's odd.
 * Col. O'Neill: You're tellin' me. Odd timing, too, don't ya think?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yes.
 * Col. O'Neill: Apparently, the snake likes you.
 * Dr. Jackson: Really? [watches as O'Neill plays with a yo-yo] You know, I think these are the Jack O'Neill moments I'll probably miss the most.
 * Col. O'Neill: What?
 * Dr. Jackson: What?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter.
 * Anise: Why?
 * Col. O'Neill: Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: That's when your genius armbands stopped working.

Window of Opportunity [4.6]

 * [O'Neill and Teal'c are wrestling with an alien archaeologist near a control system for an ancient device which he has activated. There is a blinding flash, and we suddenly cut to a shot of O'Neill in the mess hall, holding a spoonful of froot loops.  He looks astonished.  Slight pause, then cut to a shot of Jackson.  He is gesticulating with a fork that has a piece of waffle on the end of it]
 * Dr. Jackson: ...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. [pause] What do you think?  [he looks expectantly at O'Neill]
 * [O'Neill looks confused]
 * Col. O'Neill: What?
 * Dr. Jackson: ...What do you think?
 * Col. O'Neill: About what?
 * Maj. Carter: Something wrong, sir?
 * [O'Neill looks around, disoriented]
 * Col. O'Neill: ...Maybe. [Title card roll]
 * Col. O'Neill: ...Weren't we just somewhere else?
 * Dr. Jackson: Where?
 * Col. O'Neill: Some planet.
 * Dr. Jackson: When?
 * Col. O'Neill: Just now.
 * Dr. Jackson: No.
 * Col. O'Neill: Sure?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah.
 * [O'Neill looks around, confused]
 * Col. O'Neill: ...Everything just changed.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: We've done this!
 * Dr. Jackson: We do this every day.
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; I'm talking about this day.
 * Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
 * Dr. Jackson: Since when?
 * Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
 * Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.
 * Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.
 * [pause]
 * Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example. Look, you'll all believe me when SG-12 comes through that gate in [he looks at his watch, ticking off seconds] four...three...two...one...
 * [he silently ticks off the final second, and when he reaches zero, he makes a flourishing gesture toward the gate room. Cut to a shot of Carter, looking confused, then to a shot of the unactivated gate, then back to O'Neill. He frowns and begins to tap his watch doubtfully]
 * Gen. Hammond: [calmly] SG-12 isn't due back for three days.
 * [alarms go off]
 * Technician: [over loudspeaker] Unscheduled off-world activation!
 * Col. O'Neill: [under his breath] So close.
 *

 * [O'Neill correctly sums up what Carter was about to say]
 * Col. O'Neill: Now, how did I know you were going to say that?
 * Maj. Carter: Maybe you read my report?
 * Dr. Jackson: [more than a little skeptically] Maybe he read your report? [he narrows his eyes and raises his eyebrows questioningly at Carter]

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man!?
 * [pause, shot of Teal'c looking askance at O'Neill in a vaguely insane way, cut back to O'Neill]
 * Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
 * Dr. Jackson: Uh, I do.
 * [pause]
 * Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

 *

 * [O'Neill and Teal'c have just successfully convinced Hammond, Carter, and Daniel that they're trapped in a time loop]
 * Col. O'Neill: Look, I don't know why none of you remember any of this, but I do know for a fact that there's no point in having ol' Doc Frasier examine us again.
 * [shot of Carter, looking amazed. Pause, then shot of Jackson and Hammond, looking amazed.  Pause, then shot of O'Neill looking vaguely hopeful, then cut to...]
 * [shot from O'Neill's POV- Dr. Frasier is shining a penlight in his eye]
 * Col. O'Neill: [with obviously forced patience] I ask you: What could possibly be in my eye that could explain this?!
 * [shot of Teal'c. A nurse puts a thermometer in his mouth.  He glances at her, then sighs, looking resigned]

 *

 * Teal'c: O'Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm taking this loop off.
 * [Col. O'Neill starts squirting mustard and ketchup onto an empty plate.]
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.
 * [Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]
 * Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. [from this point on, he becomes increasingly agitated] Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [by now, O'Neill is ranting. He holds up his plate, which now has a crazed mustard-and-ketchup smiley face on it] WACKO!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.
 * Teal'c: You are not the only one who must experience some discomfort, O'Neill.
 * [The loop resets to the beginning. Cut to corridor, we see Teal'c get slammed in the face by a door being opened.]
 * Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.
 * Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.
 * Man: I -- I -- what?
 * Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
 * [In a later loop.]
 * Man: I'm sorry, sir, I ... whoa!
 * [Teal'c slams the door on the man and walks away with a smirk.]

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: So, how many loops have you-have we-been through?
 * Col. O'Neill: Uhhh...I've lost track.
 * Dr. Jackson: Wow, that's gotta be frustrating...
 * Col. O'Neill: [as though Daniel has just stated the very obvious] Uhh...yeah.
 * Dr. Jackson: Still, it seems like sort of an opportunity.
 * Col. O'Neill: [In a mildly patronizing tone] ...How's that?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, if you know everything's going to go back to the way it was, then you could do anything... [shot of realization dawning on Teal'c] ...for as long as you want... [shot of realization dawning on O'Neill] ...without having to worry about consequences.
 * [Shots of O'Neill and Teal'c looking at each other, as the full implications of what Daniel has said sink in]
 * Col. O'Neill: ...Excuse me. [Gets up and leaves]
 * [Teal'c puts down the chalk he's been using to write on the blackboard, bows slightly at Daniel, and exits]

 * [A montage of Teal'c and O'Neill goofing off follows:]
 *

 * [Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]
 *

 * [Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring.  The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.]
 * Col. O'Neill: [As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife?
 * Officer: [confused] Uh...fine, sir...
 *

 * [Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.]
 * Col. O'Neill: [appreciatively] Oh yeah! That'll play...How far is Alaris, anyway?
 * Teal'c: [As he tees up a ball for O'Neill to shoot] Several billion miles, O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
 * [O'Neill shoots a ball into the gate.]
 *

 * [Shot of O'Neill successfully making a pot on the pottery wheel.]
 *

 * [O'Neill is once again standing in front of the activated gate in full golf clothing. He begins his swing to shoot the ball into the gate...]
 * Gen. Hammond: [off, over the speaker] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?!
 * Col. O'Neill: [turns to face the control room, which is behind and above the camera, shouts and gesticulates, frustrated] In the middle of my backswing?!
 *

 * [Shot of Teal'c getting slammed in the face by the door again. He slams the door shut on the man who opened it and smirks.]
 *

 * [O'Neill enters the control room in civilian clothing]
 * Col. O'Neill: George. [He hands Gen. Hammond a sheet of paper, pulls up his sleeve and examines his wristwatch]
 * Gen. Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
 * Col. O'Neill: Handing you my resignation.
 * Maj. Carter: [shocked] Resigning? What for?
 * Col. O'Neill: [looking at his watch and obviously measuring his words to coincide with the end of the time loop] So I can do...this. [He kisses Carter deeply just before the loop repeats]

 *

 * [O'Neill is in the mess, sitting with Daniel and Carter. He is eating oatmeal with obvious relish]
 * Dr. Jackson: I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy oatmeal so much.
 * Col. O'Neill: When you've been eating Froot Loops for who knows how long, a little variety helps.
 * Maj. Carter: We got a message from the Tok'ra. Apparently they've been trying to contact us for over three months.
 * Col. O'Neill: Really?
 * Maj. Carter: Who knows when they first realized we were cut off? I mean, there's really no telling how much time passed.
 * Dr. Jackson: Let me ask you something. In all the time you were…looping, were you ever tempted to…do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything without worrying about consequences.
 * Col. O'Neill: You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before. [looks at Carter]
 * Dr. Jackson: [Looks at Carter and smiles, then looks back at O'Neill] ...And?
 * [O'Neill just looks at Carter, smiles, and takes a bite of oatmeal. Fade to credits.]

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: You know what they say, General. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try again.

 *

Watergate [4.7]

 * Col. O'Neill: How do you know that?
 * Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on each of you.
 * Col. O'Neill: How?
 * Dr. Markov: I learned to read English when I was six. It was not difficult.
 * Col. O'Neill: …Russian humor.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: If I say "What?" and you say "It's classified," I'm gonna shoot you.

 *

 * Dr. Markov: If you're implying that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss.
 * Dr. Jackson: So it occasionally catches fire but keeps perfect time? [pause] Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.
 * Dr. Markov: The gauge must be malfunctioning.
 * Dr. Jackson: But it's Swiss.
 * Dr. Jackson: But it's Swiss.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [upon seeing the frozen Maybourne] Holy frozen bad guy!

 *

 * Teal'c: Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
 * Col. O'Neill: Usually.
 * [The frozen Mayborne breathes out]
 * Col. O'Neill: They usually don't breathe when they're dead either.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Can we stop agreeing on how we're going to die and start doing something about it?

 *

 * [About parachuting from a plane]
 * Teal'c: This does not seem wise, O'Neill!
 * Col. O'Neill: I said it was easy, not wise.

 *

 * [O'Neill is standing with others in front of the Stargate that the Russians have been experimenting with, and the gate begins to activate.]
 * Col. O'Neill: I think we should...
 * [the gate is about to open]
 * Col. O'Neill: DUCK!
 * [gate opens overhead]

The First Ones [4.8]

 * [Chaka, a juvenile Unas, has captured an exhausted Dr. Jackson and is dragging him through the woods]
 * Dr. Jackson: Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]
 * Chaka: [glares]
 * Dr. Jackson: Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."
 * Chaka: [growls]
 * Dr. Jackson: That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

 *

 * Dr. Rothman: It's not my thing.
 * Col. O'Neill: What isn't?
 * Dr. Rothman: People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

 *

 * [Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]
 * Col. O'Neill: Alright, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]
 * Col. O'Neill: Damn!

 *

 * Teal'c: Trust in me, O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
 * Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

 *

 * [an Unas alpha is approaching Jackson, clearly with the intent of attacking him. SG-1 raise their weapons]
 * Dr. Jackson: Kaa kedka! [he cowers somewhat; the Unas stops short, surprised that Jackson speaks his language]
 * Maj. Carter: What did you just say?
 * Dr. Jackson: I think I just asked him not to kill me.
 * Col. O'Neill: And they're buying that?
 * Dr. Jackson: [as the Unas alpha begins to growl] No, I don't think so.

 *

 * [Chaka is trying to get Daniel to eat the head of a dismembered Goa'uld symbiote]
 * Chaka: Nan! [He tosses the head in Daniel's direction. It lands in the dirt near Daniel's feet]
 * Dr. Jackson: Ka. [He picks up the head and tosses it back]
 * Chaka: Nan. [He tosses the head back to Daniel.  This back-and-forth head tossing continues throughout the following interchange, Chaka growing visibly amused throughout]
 * Dr. Jackson: Ka.
 * Chaka: Nan. Jack O'Neill
 * Dr. Jackson: Ka.
 * Chaka: Nan.
 * Dr. Jackson: Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote head, that's very, very popular.  Very, very interesting...Yes, all the kids are doing this...
 * [Dr. Jackson throws the symbiote head into the fire.]
 * Dr. Jackson: [With poorly-feigned disappointment] Oh! Look out... it's in the fire...

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Took you long enough!
 * Teal'c: You are welcome O'Neill.

Scorched Earth [4.9]

 * Col. O'Neill: Hey, what have you got?
 * Maj. Carter: The analysis of the atmosphere in the wake of the ship shows a high incidence of Sulphur Dioxide.
 * Col. O'Neill: Chemical warfare?
 * Maj. Carter: I don’t think so sir. Take a look at this.
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah! Little fuzzy orange things!
 * Maj. Carter: They're Microbes, sir...

 *

 * Maj. Carter: The question is, will they listen?
 * Col. O'Neill: No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Beneath the Surface [4.10]

 * Col. O'Neill: I remember something. There was a man. He's bald and wears a short-sleeve shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

 * Col. O'Neill: I dreamed about mining...naked.

Point of No Return [4.11]

 * Dr. Jackson: You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have donuts or something?

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate!
 * Col. O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show…if you're into that sort of thing.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Does anyone know what this meeting's about?
 * Dr. Jackson: No but I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P30-255.
 * Maj. Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3KA's sensors for long term reconnaissance on P5X-327.
 * Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
 * Col. O'Neill: [after a pause] I was just about to...do...something important.

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?
 * Col. O'Neill: The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.
 * Martin Lloyd: I knew it!
 * Col. O'Neill: But it has nothing to do with space travel.
 * Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with?
 * Col. O'Neill: [conspiratorially] Magnets!
 * Martin Lloyd: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
 * Col. O'Neill: [dramatically] No…I've already said too much!

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!
 * Col. O'Neill: You look pretty human to me.

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.
 * Maj. Carter: Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!
 * Maj. Carter: Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.
 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: How do ya lose a spaceship?
 * Martin Lloyd: Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, there ya go.

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: You don't understand!
 * Col. O'Neill: I get that a lot.

 *

 * [Daniel reading Martin's diary]
 * "April 12: Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: Don't ya wanna know how I found you?
 * Col. O'Neill: Uh… OK!
 * Martin Lloyd: In your car, I noticed a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.
 * Col. O'Neill: There's two!

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.
 * Col. O'Neill: Marty I'm not undercover!
 * Martin Lloyd: You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.
 * [Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes… It all makes sense now.

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

 *

 * Martin Lloyd: Can I come out now, Murray?

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.
 * Maj. Carter: Except for the guys with guns!

 *

 * Man: OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?
 * Maj. Carter: Who are you?
 * Man: We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

 *

 * [Carter and Jackson are being interrogated by 3 aliens who are attempting to live on Earth incognito. They show Carter and Jackson a thermal scan of Teal'c which clearly shows his symbiote]
 * Dr. Jackson: Oh, that's very good! Did you draw that yourself?
 * Maj. Carter: What is it?
 * Dr. Jackson: That… That's a duck, isn't it?

Tangent [4.12]

 * Major Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce Lieutenant General Vidrine.
 * General Vidrine: Colonel.
 * Jack O'Neill: General.
 * General Vidrine: Major.
 * Maj. Carter: General.
 * General Vidrine: Doctor.
 * Dr. Jackson: General.
 * General Vidrine: General Hammond has told me nothing but good things.
 * Jack O'Neill: Has he, Sir? [Joking] Well, then I'm sure he's left something out.
 * General Vidrine: Such as?
 * [O'Neill's smile drops]
 * Jack O'Neill: [Into Radio] Teal'c? Ya there, buddy?

 *

 * Jack O'Neill: (out of it due to lack of oxygen) Jacob, you know your ship's bigger than ours?

 *

 * General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
 * Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
 * Jack O'Neill: Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

 *

 * General Vidrine: In all seriousness, if that's all right with you, Colonel? How effective can a single fighter be against a potential fleet of Goa'uld warships?
 * Teal'c: That is what these tests endeavour to determine.
 * General Vidrine: Let's find out. What's next?
 * Jack O'Neill: I take second seat for an air-to-air live fire test.
 * Gen. Hammond: Our SGC control room will serve as Mission Control, Sir.
 * General Vidrine: Light that candle, boys.
 * Jack O'Neill: Yes, Sir.
 * [Teal'c and O'Neill head back to the glider.]
 * Teal'c: Does General Vidrine wish to perform some sort of candle-burning ritual?
 * Jack O'Neill: Yes, that's it, exactly.

 *

 * Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]
 * Major Davis: [Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.
 * Jack O'Neill: Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: [Over Goa'uld radio]: I am a Lord! My identity is the Great and Powerful Oz!
 * Goa'uld [presumably Heru-ur]: Wait, your identity is Oz?
 * Dr. Jackson: [Over Goa'uld radio]: I am Oz, listen!
 * Goa'uld: Lame trick, This is a deception!
 * Jacob: Alright, we're almost finished, Sam's just finishing up.
 * Dr. Jackson: Uh...that's good 'cause I don't think they bought my act.
 * Jacob: Why? Who'd you say you were?
 * Dr. Jackson: The uh...Great and Powerful Oz.
 * Jacob: SAM!

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: We were hoping you could kinda... um, like... beam them out.
 * Jacob: Beam them out? What am I, Scotty?

The Curse [4.13]

 * Teal'c: We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

 * Col. O'Neill: Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.
 * Gen. Hammond: Incommunicado.
 * Col. O'Neill: Minnesota, sir.
 * Gen. Hammond: I stand corrected.
 * Col. O'Neill: If there's an emergency at the base, better plan ahead and tell me now. If Thor needs me, he's gonna have to beam me up. If it's the Tok'ra... forget it!

 * Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill.
 * Col. O'Neill: T... It's not about the actual fish themselves...the fish are not important in this context. It's about fishing... the act of fishing itself.

The Serpent's Venom [4.14]

 * Selmak: (in an Old Man's Voice) One enemy is easier to target than many. Our spies believe that Apophis has agreed to the meeting because he is willing to use such an alliance to topple the system lords. Afterwards, he will deal with Heru-Ur. If he succeeds...
 * Col. O'Neill: Galactic badness! Huge!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Ah! Wait a minute! Just... stop, hold it. If you're about to say you're gonna explain along the way, I'm gonna lose it! I've just about had it with the way the Tok'ra do business. I wanna know EXACTLY what we're dealing with here. Every mission detail you've got right now, or we go nowhere!
 * Jacob Carter: [Smiling] I was gonna tell ya, Jack.
 * Col. O'Neill: [Quietly] OK. Never mind.

 *

 * Jacob Carter: Obviously, I'm gonna need Dr. Jackson, and there might be some complicated mathematical calculations to be done, Sam would be a big help, too. [Jack clears his throat] Of course, Colonel O'Neill is --- always fun to have around.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically, picking up books Jackson dropped] Sure you got everything?
 * Dr. Jackson: Wanna try to reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
 * Col. O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, I had one, I just couldn't get Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at archeology.com, so…
 * Col. O'Neill: [pushes Jackson's glasses back up his nose]

 *

 * [Jackson and Carter are reading Jackson's books while O'Neill plays with his watch]
 * Col. O'Neill: Do you understand any of that?
 * Maj. Carter: It's all Phoenician to me, Sir.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Looks like a circle with a cross in it.
 * Dr. Jackson: Uh, that could be it.
 * Maj. Carter: Okay, what do I do?
 * Jacob: Pretty sure you touch it.
 * Col. O'Neill: Pretty sure???
 * Jacob: Last time a Tok'ra was sent to attempt this we never heard from him again.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well that's news!
 * [Carter stares at her father, seemingly a bit scared]
 * Dr. Jackson: No, I think that's it.
 * Maj. Carter: You THINK?
 * Dr. Jackson: Okay I'm... I'm sure that's it.
 * [Carter moves carefully, preparing to touch the symbol on the mine]
 * Dr. Jackson: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!
 * [Carter flinches back, startled]
 * Col. O'Neill: HEY!
 * Dr. Jackson: No, no, sorry. Uh, that's it, I'm sure.

 *

 * [Carter and Jackson are trying to reprogram a mine]
 * Maj. Carter: Uh, it's flashing green. Green is good?
 * Dr. Jackson: No.
 * Maj. Carter: Bad?
 * Dr. Jackson: Bad.
 * Maj. Carter: How bad?
 * Dr. Jackson: Very, very bad.
 * Maj. Carter: DAD!

 *

 * [Carter and Jackson are trying to deactivate the mine from exploding in the Cargo ship]
 * Jacob: Try!
 * Maj. Carter: What does Selmak say?
 * Jacob: Try again!
 * [Jackson stares at Jacob, blinking]
 * Dr. Jackson: Very helpful, thanks!

Chain Reaction [4.15]

 * Teal'c: On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle it is custom to sing a song of lament. [Hammond looks at him expectantly] Fortunately, we are not on Chulak.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: So what do we know about this new guy?
 * Col. O'Neill: Not much.
 * Dr. Jackson: I hope he's not a spit-and-polish, brass tacks...
 * Col. O'Neill:[Interrupts him] Hard-ass?
 * Dr. Jackson: I was building up to that
 * A few moments later after Major General Bauer has delivered a very terse introduction of himself to the SGC Personnel
 * Col. O'Neill: Always leave 'em wanting more... I guess.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: May I remind you that if it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head instead of your head up your a-
 * Gen. Bauer: [Visibly angry] Colonel!

 *

 * [O'Neill and Maybourne enter Maybourne's safehouse apartment. It is almost completely empty.  O'Neill surveys the living area dispassionately]
 * Col. O'Neill: [after a pause] Have ya heard of IKEA?
 * [Maybourne goes to a small refrigerator. He opens it, revealing that it contains lots of beer and a bottle of mustard.]
 * Col. O'Neill: I see you're on that famous Beer and Mustard Diet. How's that working out for ya?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [to Mrs. Kinsey] Afternoon ma'am. I'm Mr. Starsky and this is… Hutch (referring to Maybourne).

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I'm not leaving until I get what I came for.
 * Sen. Kinsey: Oh, and what are you going to do?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, I was thinkin'... [he draws his sidearm and points it at Kinsey] ...about shootin' ya.
 * Col. Maybourne: Jack. What are you doing?
 * Col. O'Neill: Gettin' a little dirty for ya Maybourne?
 * Sen. Kinsey: Colonel, have you completely taken leave of your senses?
 * Col. O'Neill: I've been hanging around Maybourne. What does that say?
 * Sen. Kinsey: How dare you come into my house waving a gun!
 * Col. O'Neill: Not waving! Pointing! Sit down.
 * [Kinsey sits down.]
 * Col. O'Neill: [Gesturing with his sidearm] I'll give you a choice. White meat, or dark meat

 *

 * Sen. Kinsey: Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote, and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
 * Col. O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.

2010 [4.16]

 * Dr. Jackson: Uh... the sun's beeping.

 *

 * [Teal'c and another Jaffa are attempting to pass through a security checkpoint, but the guard tells them to hand over their staff weapons]
 * Teal'c: We carry these for ceremonial purposes only.
 * Guard: I'm sorry, but you'll have to let me have it.
 * Teal'c: Very well. [shoots the guard]

 *

 * Samantha Carter: So this is the place you kept threatening to take me. It's good to see you, sir.
 * Jack O'Neill: I'm retired, Carter. Lose the "sir".

 *

 * Maj. Carter: It turns out we made a mistake. A big one.
 * Col. O'Neill: Which one? We made a few.
 * Maj. Carter: Our alliance with the Aschen.
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh, that. Not working out, is it? Gosh, I wish I'd seen that coming. Oh, wait…I did see that coming.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Well let me tell you something, Carter you want to erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everyone, including you, shut me down.
 * Maj. Carter: I'm asking you to put that behind us...
 * Col. O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that... Personally, I like things the way they are. No more saving the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog...(beat) There're a lot of pros and cons to consider...

 *

 * [Sgt. Harriman leaves the briefing room, pretending he didn't see SG-1 planning there]
 * Maj. Carter: Thank you.
 * Dr. Jackson: Thank you.
 * Sgt. Harriman: Thursday!

Absolute Power [4.17]

 * [Daniel Jackson introduces Gen. Hammond to Shifu, the Harcesis child]
 * Gen. Hammond: Welcome to Earth.
 * Shifu: A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.
 * Col. O'Neill: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?
 * Daniel Jackson: Don't look at me.
 * Col. O'Neill: It's right, though? Right?

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra.
 * Col. O'Neill:[annoyed] Did we really have to call them?

 *

 * Shifu: If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.
 * Dr. Jackson: The music does not play the musician.
 * Shifu: Normally there is truth in that.
 * Dr. Jackson: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Something on your mind?
 * Col. O'Neill: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.
 * Dr. Jackson: What about it?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?
 * Dr. Jackson: Actually, the Pentagon.

 *

 * Shifu: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
 * Dr. Jackson: Oma teach you that?
 * Shifu: Television.
 * Dr. Jackson: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

 *

 * Shifu: Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious, Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

 *

 * [Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]
 * Maj. Carter: I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.
 * Col. O'Neill: Because they think you're nuts.

The Light [4.18]

 * Maj. Carter: What are we looking for?
 * Col. O'Neill: The 'off' switch.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: What is wrong with this thing? This thing isn't working.
 * Col. O'Neill: Did you check the batteries?

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.
 * Teal'c: Then it is most likely I will be able to leave this planet.
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh how nice for you.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [enters Loran's room] Nice digs. Kind of reminds me of my first apartment. How are the people upstairs?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: How long were we standing here?
 * Dr. Jackson: I'm not sure. Long enough to figure out how to translate the writings on this thing, so...
 * Col. O'Neill: That long?
 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah, well, perception of time is one of the first things to go when you're... high.

 *

 * Teal'c: [Holding up a toy gun] Children of the Tau'ri are also fond of colorful weapons that do not function.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: Be a good excuse for you.
 * Col. O'Neill: Huh?
 * Maj. Carter: To do nothing for a while.
 * Col. O'Neill: What?
 * Maj. Carter: Forget it.
 * Col. O'Neill: That would be forget it SIR.
 * Maj. Carter: Oh please, you think I'm keeping that up if we're stuck here forever?
 * Col. O'Neill: Listen Major.
 * Maj. Carter: No way.
 * Col. O'Neill: That's no way COLONEL.
 * Maj. Carter: I'm supposed to accept that. That's the way it's gonna be?
 * Col. O'Neill: That's the way it is.
 * Maj. Carter: What difference does it make. It's not up to you.
 * Col. O'Neill: Carter! You're in withdrawal.
 * Maj. Carter: Oh I'm in withdrawal?
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes. So am I.

 *

Prodigy [4.19]

 * Teal'c: Are you ready, O'Neill?
 * Col. O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
 * Teal'c: I am going to shoot you.
 * Col. O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "on three." One—
 * [Teal'c shoots O'Neill with a Zat'nik'tel. O'Neill falls to the floor]
 * Col. O'Neill: [in pain] Two!...God, I said on three. God.

 *

 * [O'Neill enters General Hammond's office. Hammond is having a discussion with General Michael E. Ryan.]
 * Col. O'Neill: I'd like to talk to you about this mission upon which we're about to embark. It seems... a bit ridiculous, doesn't it?
 * [General Hammond does not respond. After a short pause, O'Neill turns to General Ryan]
 * Col. O'Neill: So what brings you to our little secret base, sir?
 * Gen. Ryan: That would be the ridiculous mission you just mentioned.
 * [Slight pause, O'Neill looks uncomfortable]

 * Col. O'Neill: The General Ryan?
 * Gen. Ryan: I've read a lot about you Colonel.
 * Col. O'Neill: [tentatively] Yes, Sir?
 * Gen. Ryan: Thus far, we like your work.
 * Col. O'Neill: Thank you Sir! I like yours. Your Air Force. The Air Force. I love the Air Force...
 * Gen. Hammond: Anything else, Colonel?
 * Col. O'Neill: No, sir. Well, actually, I'd like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this...very important mission.

 *

 * Hamilton: Colonel O'Neill doesn't have a clue what we're trying to accomplish here, he's too busy polishing his M16.
 * Col. O'Neill: Actually, it's a P90.

 *

 * Hamilton: When I agreed to this assignment I was under the impression that I was going to be in charge.
 * Col. O'Neill: You are in charge. Of the other scientists.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: What were you thinking, breaking the nose of an upperclassman like that?
 * Cadet Hailey: Swing high?

 *

 * [Carter and Hailey come through the Stargate as O'Neill greets them]
 * Maj. Carter: Sir, I'd like you to meet Cadet Hailey.
 * Col. O'Neill: Cadet. Welcome to 862. How was your trip?
 * Cadet Hailey: [in shock] It was a...a trip, sir.
 * Col. O'Neill: It always is.

 *

 * Cadet Hailey: I've been going over Dr. Thompson's astronomical observations. Did you know this moon wasn't even formed from the original accretion disk of the planet?
 * Col. O'Neill: No, but I suspected.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: As soon as I get the Gate open, head straight for it. Don't bring anything with you.
 * Dr. Hamilton: Oh no we can't leave behind weeks of research.
 * Col. O'Neill: Carter, if he so much as brings a file folder, shoot him!
 * Maj. Carter: Yes Sir.

Entity [4.20]

 * Col. O'Neill: [To Teal'c] You look tense.
 * Dr. Jackson: No, I'd say anxious.
 * Teal'c: I am neither tense nor anxious. Perhaps concerned.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: What's it doing? [About the MALP]
 * Maj. Carter: Flying, sir.
 * Col. O'Neill: MALPs can't fly.
 * Dr. Jackson: Apparently they can.
 * Col. O'Neill: Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: They may be trying to communicate.
 * Col. O'Neill: They?
 * Dr. Jackson: Well, whoever they are.
 * Col. O'Neill: Exactly.
 * Dr. Jackson: What?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: For the record Sir, I want to blow it to hell, these folks wanna chat with it.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Any idea what that was?
 * Maj. Carter: None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.
 * Dr. Frasier: Yeah, after I treat this hand.
 * Maj. Carter: As soon as I get the systems up…
 * Dr. Frasier: It is a very bad burn, Sam.
 * Maj. Carter: Five minutes.
 * Dr. Frasier: Now!
 * Col. O'Neill: Do as the Doctor says.
 * Maj. Carter: Yes, Sir.
 * Dr. Frasier: Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.
 * Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: What? We're…I'm fine.
 * Dr. Frasier: Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.
 * Col. O'Neill: Who put her in charge?
 * Gen. Hammond: The US Air Force.
 * Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.
 * Col. O'Neill: I'm not getting all my memos.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, do you recognize any of this?
 * Teal'c: I do not, General Hammond.
 * Gen. Hammond: Daniel?
 * Dr. Jackson: I don't recognize it either.
 * Col. O'Neill: Nope, neither do I. [Everyone looks at him] I'm just sayin'.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [About the real time transmission by the alien lifeform on the screen] Do I look fat?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [To the security camera controlled by the alien] Come here often?

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [O'Neill is moving in front of the camera, the camera is following his moves] I think it likes me.

 *

 * Sylvester Siler: Stand by for a base wide systems power down. Powering down.
 * Col. O'Neill: [everything shuts down and the camera stops following O'Neill] Hey!

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Carter! Emergency lighting?
 * Maj. Carter: In the MALP room, yes, sir, a small power usage anomaly. General Hammond said we should check it out before we resume normal operations.
 * Col. O'Neill: Forget to change a light bulb, Siler?
 * Sylvester Siler: Not my job, sir. Yes sir, light bulb, very amusing.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: It's obviously fighting to survive.
 * Col. O'Neill: So do bacteria.
 * Maj. Carter: It's trying to communicate.
 * Col. O'Neill: So do bact…

 *

 * [Hammond walks in and sees the Entity's construction]
 * Gen. Hammond: What in God's name?!
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, General, whatever got into our computers apparently has built a nest.

Double Jeopardy [4.21]

 * Maj. Carter: What's wrong, Harlan?
 * Harlan: Oh please yes, it is a very big emergency. You must help... you.

 *

 * Gen. Hammond: Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes sir.
 * Gen. Hammond: Then it would seem your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about what's happened here.
 * Clone O'Neill: Oh I'm sure that makes him feel better.
 * Col. O'Neill: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?
 * Clone O'Neill: Same thing you do. Only better.
 * Col. O'Neill: What does that mean?
 * Clone O'Neill: Better? It means bet-ter, stronger, faster.
 * Col. O'Neill: You're not me and you don't work for the Air Force.
 * Clone O'Neill: No. But that doesn't mean I can't do the job.
 * Col. O'Neill: What job?
 * Clone O'Neill: Explore the universe. Fight the Goa'uld.
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh what, like now?
 * Clone O'Neill: Oh you made this mess.
 * Col. O'Neill: What we did was help these people.
 * Clone O'Neill: Oh come on, I know you better than that. You screwed up and now you're embarrassed.
 * Col. O'Neill: ... well that's not the point.
 * Clone O'Neill: And like I'm gonna spend my eternity on that lame ass planet? Sheesh!
 * Col. O'Neill: You gave me your word!
 * Clone O'Neill: Oh! Is this the first time you've lied to yourself? I told you what you wanted to hear. Besides, what were you gonna do? Destroy me?
 * Col. O'Neill: I might have!
 * Clone O'Neill: Alright! Come on bring it on flyboy! Let's go! Come on!
 * Col. O'Neill: Oh you little... [Jack O'Neill and Clone O'Neill begin to fight/wrestle]
 * Maj. Carter: Sirs! [They stop fighting and look up] As much as I would like to see how this plays out, don't we have something more important to do?

 *

 * Clone O'Neill: We're not done pal.
 * Col. O'Neill: I so own you.

Exodus [4.22]

 * [SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak teleport with the ring transporter to the base of the Tok'ra, from a Ha'tak Mother ship they've just landed on the planet]
 * Col. O'Neill: Hey, kids. We're not parked in a red zone, are we?

 * [Jack, Sam, Daniel and Jacob walk into the Peltak. Jack spots the throne-line commander's chair in the middle of the room]
 * Col. O'Neill: Oooo! [Runs over and jumps into the chair. Has a giddy smile on his face] Shotgun!

 * Tanith: I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by your means of arrival.
 * Col. O'Neill: Yeah, it's a sweet ride. A little rusty, but it's still got zip.
 * Tanith: How exactly did a Goa'uld mothership come into your possession?
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, it was kind of a trade deal.
 * Tanith: How so?
 * Col. O'Neill: Cronus gave us his ship... and he got what was coming to him.

 *

 * Tanith: I do not understand. Why have I been excluded from such important information?
 * Teal'c: The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.

 *

 * [Some Tok'ra are transporting a stash]
 * Jacob: Take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.
 * Col. O'Neill: Hey! Don't scuff the walls.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: I want the ship back the way we found it.
 * Jacob: We know, Jack. I still don't think it's necessary for you to be here.
 * Col. O'Neill: Sorry. Not lettin' her out of my sight.
 * Jacob: My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?
 * Col. O'Neill: Protect Earth's big, fat asset. We've got 1 ,000 engineers and scientists just droolin' to go through this thing.
 * Jacob: You really think that's wise?
 * Col. O'Neill: Don't start with me, Jake.
 * Jacob: Remember when you tried to retrofit a death glider?
 * Col. O'Neill: Yes, I have that memory.
 * Jacob: This is vastly more complicated.
 * Col. O'Neill: Which is exactly why we're "loaning" it to you in exchange for flying lessons.
 * Jacob: You know what I mean. Leave the ship with us.
 * Col. O'Neill: Not a chance.
 * Jacob: You have no idea how dangerous this thing is.
 * Col. O'Neill: Hey! We were smart enough to steal it in the first place, which is more than the Tok'ra could do.

 *

 * [The Tok'ra base is under attack]
 * Col. O'Neill: This is so the last time I help someone move.

 *

 * [about Tanith]
 * Col. O'Neill: That guy is a living cliché.

 *

 * Maj. Carter: This is the sun Vorash is orbiting.
 * Jacob: We want to blow it up.
 * Col. O'Neill: Wow...
 * Dr. Jackson: That's uh...
 * Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: Ambitious.

 *

 * [Carter is about to throw the Stargate from the Ha'tak to the sun]
 * [Maj. Carter exhales]
 * Col. O'Neill: Something wrong?
 * Maj. Carter: No. I've just never blown up a star before.
 * Col. O'Neill: Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

 *

 * Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figured that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says, "Warning! Warning!"

 *

 * Teal'c: The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.
 * Col. O'Neill: Ah that's good because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of…nowhere. Give or take.

 *

 * Col. O'Neill: [Over the radio] Mayday, mayday. We are so goin' in!

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Stargate SG-1/Season 4