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Edward Heath

Sir Edward Richard George Heath KG MBE (9 July 1916 – 17 July 2005) was a British politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1970 to 1974 and Leader of the Conservative Party from 1965 to 1975. Heath also served for 51 years as a Member of Parliament from 1950 to 2001.

Lord Privy Seal

 * The British government and the British people have been through a searching debate during the last few years on the subject of their relations with Europe. The result of this debate has been our present application. It was a decision arrived at, not on any narrow or short-term grounds, but as a result of a thorough assessment over a considerable period of the needs of our own country, of Europe and of the free world as a whole. We recognise it as a great decision, a turning point in our history, and we take it in all seriousness. In saying that we wish to join the EEC, we mean that we desire to become full, whole-hearted and active members of the European Community in its widest sense and to go forward with you in the building of a new Europe.
 * Opening statement at the United Kingdom application to join the EEC in Paris (10 October 1961), quoted in Edward Heath, The Course of My Life (1998), p. 214.

 * The end of the negotiations is a blow to the cause of the wider European unity for which we have been striving. We are a part of Europe, by geography, history, culture, tradition and civilization … There have been times in the history of Europe when it has been only too plain how European we are; and there have been many millions of people who have been grateful for it. I say to my colleagues: they should have no fear. We in Britain are not going to turn out backs on the mainland of Europe or the countries of the Community.
 * Speech at European conference after France vetoed the British application to join the EEC (28 January 1963), quoted in Edward Heath, The Course of My Life (1998), p. 235.

Leader of the Opposition

 * Action, not words.
 * Title of 1966 Conservative election manifesto (publication GE 1).

Edward Heath: Well, popularity isn't everything. In fact it isn't the most important thing. What matters is doing what you believe to be right, and that's what I've always tried to do and I shall go on doing. The question doesn't arise.
 * Robin Day: But how low does your personal rating, among your own supporters, have to go before you consider yourself a liability to the party you lead?
 * Interview on Panorama, BBC 1 (16 October 1967).

 * I have told Mr Powell that I consider the speech he made in Birmingham yesterday to have been racialist in tone and liable to exacerbate racial tensions. This is unacceptable from one of the leaders of the Conservative Party
 * Statement (21 April 1968), as cited in "Enoch Powell dismissed for 'racialist' speech", The Guardian (22 April 1968; April 2018 reprint)
 * Referring to Powell's Rivers of Blood speech.

 * That, although a century out of date, would certainly be a distinctive, different policy. But it would not be a Conservative policy and it would not provide a Conservative alternative. For better or worse the central Government is already responsible, in some way or another, for nearly half the activities of Britain. It is by far the biggest spender and the biggest employer.
 * Speech in Scotland (10 September 1968) criticising free market ideas, quoted in The Times (11 September 1968), p. 1.

 * If there are any who believe that immigrants to this country, most of whom have already become British citizens, could be forcibly deported because they are coloured people...then that I must repudiate, absolutely and completely.
 * Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1968), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 245.

 * I have always had a hidden wish, a frustrated desire, to run a hotel.
 * Speech at the Hotel Exhibition, Olympia, 1969.

 * My position has remained the same. I have had more to do, at first hand, with European policy than any other person in politics today.
 * Interview with Robin Day on BBC Panorama (6 October 1969), quoted in The Times (7 October 1969), p. 1

 * The conclusion of Mr. Powell's latest speech as I understand it—certainly its implication—is that we should do nothing to help boroughs and cities like Birmingham and Wolverhampton that have these problems, in the hope that if only we let the housing get bad enough, the schools overcrowded enough, and the social services overburdened enough, the immigrants will go away of their own accord, and the problems will disappear. It is an example of man's inhumanity to man which is absolutely intolerable in a Christian, civilized society.
 * Interview with BBC Radio's The World This Weekend (18 January 1970), quoted in The Times (19 January 1970), p. 1

 * Everyone who is already here must be treated as equal before the law.
 * Interview with London Weekend Television's Man in the News (18 January 1970), quoted in The Times (19 January 1970), p. 1

 * It would not be in the interests of the Community that its enlargement should take place except with the full-hearted consent of the parliaments and its peoples of the new member countries.
 * Speech in Paris (5 May 1970), quoted in The Times (24 December 1970), p. 3

 * We may be a small island. We're not a small people... For the last six years the Government of this country...have let us be treated as second rate. They even plan for us to stay second rate. Because that's what Labour policies mean... Now I don't intend to stand by and see this happen... Do you want a better tomorrow? ... That's what I will work for with all my strength and with all my heart. I give you my word and I will keep my word.
 * Television broadcast (15 June 1970), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 278.

 * This would, at a stroke, reduce the rise in prices, increase production and reduce unemployment.
 * Statement (16 June 1970), quoted in The Times (17 June 1970), p. 4. This would be quoted back at Heath repeatedly during his premiership.

 * This was a secret meeting on a secret tour which nobody is supposed to know about. It means that there are men, and perhaps women, in this country walking around with eggs in their pockets, just on the off-chance of seeing the Prime Minister.
 * Remarks to the press after Harold Wilson was hit by eggs thrown by demonstrators on two successive days (1 June 1970), quoted in Edward Heath, The Course of My Life (1998), p. 305.

 * It was wildly exciting. It certainly wasn't the highest feeling I've ever had, but it was one of them. In those days, security was not as good as today. Just afterwards, some chap was able to get at me and stab the back of my neck with a cigarette. It wasn't very pleasant.
 * Describing the scene at Conservative central office after winning the 1970 general election.

 * One lonely voice still shouting labour!
 * During the 1970 election campaign.

Prime Minister

 * You will see that our strategy is clear. It is to reorganise the functions of Government, to leave more to individual or to corporate effort, to make savings in Government expenditure, to provide room for greater incentives to men and women and to firms and businesses. Our strategy is to encourage them more and more to take their own decisions, to stand on their own feet, to accept responsibility for themselves and for their families.
 * Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1970), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 310

 * No one can deny that today the major cause of the inflation from which we are suffering is the excessive wage demands... It is the responsibility of an employer, direct or indirect...if they go their own way and accede to irresponsible wage demands which damage their own firms and create a loss of jobs for those who work in them, then the Government are certainly not going to step in and rescue them from the consequences of their own actions.
 * Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1970), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 311

 * We will have to embark on a change so radical, a revolution so quiet and yet so total, that it will go far beyond the programme for a parliament.
 * Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1970), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 311

 * [W]e must recognise a new threat to the peace of the nations, indeed to the very fabric of society. We have seen in the last few years the growth of a cult of political violence, preached and practised not so much between states as within them. It is a sombre thought but it may be that in the 1970s civil war, not war between nations, will be the main danger we will face.
 * [I]ncreasingly the use of violence has become not the last resort of the desperate, but the first resort of those whose simple unconstructive aim is anarchy. That we must all surely resist. Anarchy is not a prescription for peace, justice and progress. It achieves nothing but the suffering of innocent men and women.
 * Speech to the General Assembly of the United Nations (23 October 1970), quoted in The Times (24 October 1970), p. 5

 * Do we have the courage to forget the dissensions and the suspicions that have divided us, and to learn to work together for lasting peace and prosperity, not just for our country but for a continent? Do we have the wisdom to achieve by construction and cooperation what Napoleon and Hitler failed to achieve by destruction and by conquest? ... Let us all recognise the opportunity that is now presented to us for what it is: the chance to unite Western Europe.
 * Speech to the Conservative Women's annual conference in Central Hall, Westminster (19 May 1971), quoted in The Times (20 May 1971), p. 5

 * There are some in this country who fear that in going into Europe we shall in some way sacrifice independence and sovereignty, even that we shall begin to lose our national identity. These fears, I need hardly say, are completely unjustified and exaggerated. We shall, of course, be accepting the common procedures of Community life, just as we accept those of other organizations which we have joined. But within the framework of a developing Community the identity of national states will be maintained.
 * Speech in Wilton Park, Sussex (21 June 1971), quoted in The Times (22 June 1971), p. 5

 * Government, management and unions...have now...jointly embarked for the first time in Britain, on the path of working out together how to create and share the nation's wealth for the benefit of all the people. It is an offer to employers and unions to share fully with the Government the benefits and the obligations involved in running the national economy.
 * Speech to Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool (14 October 1972), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), pp. 473-474

 * It is the unpleasant and unacceptable face of capitalism, but one should not suggest that the whole of British industry consists of practices of this kind.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (15 May 1973)

 * Our problem at the moment is a problem of success.
 * Six weeks before the three-day week, November 1973.

 * The miners' leaders have said more than once that they are confronting the Government, not the National Coal Board. I believe they may not yet have fully understood the implications of this approach. For it is just not the government—it is the expressed will of the elected representatives of the people in Parliament. That is the main difference between the dispute in 1972 and the dispute in 1973 and I believe that it will prove decisive. For the authority of the elected Parliament is the cornerstone of our democracy, and is recognized as such by the overwhelming majority of people in this country
 * Speech in Nelson, Lancashire (22 November 1973), quoted in  The Times (23 November 1973), p. 2

 * As Prime Minister, I want to speak to you, simply and plainly, about the grave emergency now facing our country. In the House of Commons this afternoon I announced more severe restriction on the use of electricity. You may already have heard the details of these. We are asking you to to cut down to the absolute minimum the use of electricity for heating, and for other purposes in your homes. We are limiting the use of electricity by almost all factories, shops, and offices, to three days a week.
 * Broadcast to the nation (13 December 1973).

 * We shall have a harder Christmas than we have known since the war.
 * ibid. Reported in Time magazine (24 December 1973). It was spoken on television.

 * He [ Mick McGahey ] has made it quite plain over the weekend—as has another miners' leader—that the object of what they are doing is not a wage negotiation... Its purpose is...to get rid of the elected government of the day. Now that is entirely a political approach and, he has said quite openly, he wishes to do it in order to get a left-wing government and obviously he expects a left-wing government to toe the line as far as he is concerned.
 * Interview with Robin Day on BBC Panorama (28 January 1974), quoted in The Times (29 January 1974), p. 1

Post-Premiership

 * I was interested in being present for its first, and I trust only, performance.
 * After hearing a new choral work at Gloucester Cathedral, 1975.

 * In excluding me from the shadow cabinet, Margaret Thatcher has chosen what I believe to be the only wholly honest solution and one which I accept and welcome.
 * February 1975.

 * The historic role of the Conservative Party is to use the leverage of its political and diplomatic skills to create a fresh balance between the different elements within the state at those times when, for one reason or another, their imbalance threatens to disrupt the orderly development of society.
 * Newspaper article, February 1975.

 * They have made a grave mistake choosing that woman.
 * On Margaret Thatcher's election to the leadership of the Tory Party, 1975.

 * Benn, Shore and Foot were like the three witches in Macbeth ... In some darkened room of Transport House, on the very left of the building, they are busy boiling their own witches' brew. A dash of distortion here, an element of exaggeration there, all of course to be taken with a pinch of salt. And as they brew their myths, they delight in creating hubble, bubble, toil and trouble... [Benn] is probably the biggest bureaucrat and the wildest spendthrift that this country has ever known. But let us recognize the facts. Benn, Shore and Foot are using the Europe issue to brew up toil and trouble inside the Labour Party for their own ends ... If there was a "No" vote in the referendum, we would find ourselves pulling out of Europe straight into the welcoming arms of the wild men of Labour's left.
 * Speech to the Conservative Group for Europe in Central Hall, Westminster (19 April 1975), quoted in The Times (21 April 1975), p. 4

 * [If Britain withdrew from the EEC] the wild men of the left would certainly try to build a barrier against the outside world. But they would be confronted by such powerful economic gales that they would be forced to build the barriers higher and higher until they had finally built an economic Berlin wall around Britain. Within that wall would be a socialist state running a siege economy.
 * Speech in Beaconsfield, Buckinghamshire (28 April 1975), quoted in The Times (29 April 1975), p. 2

 * [If Britain withdrew from the EEC] it would be a new and different D-Day for Britain—Disaster Day. Of course, this is what the wild men of the left, Mr Benn, Mr Shore and Mr Foot actually want. They thrive on a diet of disaster...they are aching for the go-ahead to build an economic Berlin wall around Britain. And within that British Berlin wall, there would be a socialist State running a siege economy.
 * Speech in Newcastle (2 May 1975), quoted in The Times (3 May 1975), p. 4

 * We would find ourselves pulling out of the European Community straight into the arms of the wild men of the left. The whole country would be plagued with Foot and Benn disease ... The left are not really all that interested in the Common Market. What they want is for Britain to break her treaty obligations and pull out of the Community so that they could impose their own extreme socialist state in Britain.
 * Speech in Catterick, Yorkshire (29 May 1975), quoted in The Times (30 May 1975), p. 4

 * I regard Mr Benn as a menace to the country. He was guilty of sabotage last year when he rejected an offer of Community help with the readjustment necessary due to steel plant closures in Wales.
 * Interview with Newcastle's Metro Radio (2 June 1975), quoted in The Times (3 June 1975), p. 4

 * You mustn't expect prime ministers to enjoy themselves. If they do, they mustn't show it – the population would be horrified.
 * Interview, November, 1976.

 * The Pax Americana has gone the way of the Pax Britannica ... The implication for us in Europe is twofold. First, we shall no longer be able to enjoy the luxury of urging the Americans to put right anything of which we disapprove anywhere in the world and then of criticizing them for the way they do it; and secondly, we shall have to undertake a proper share of the burden of Western defence if American support for the Western Alliance is to be sustained. That share can be underpinned only by a strong and expanding European economy.
 * Speech to the Conservative Political Centre in Blackpool (12 October 1977), quoted in The Times (13 October 1977), p. 6

 * I am sometimes accused of being oversensitive about unemployment. I do not believe that that is possible, certainly not for anyone who lived through the 1930s and saw the political consequences of high unemployment throughout Western Europe and what happened in 1939.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (30 January 1978)

 * The opponents of EEC membership inside the Labour Party know how much more difficult it would be to foist their brand of left-wing socialism on the British people if we remain part of a Community based on the principles of free enterprise and the mixed economy. We in the Conservative Party must vigorously oppose this ominous development.
 * Speech to the Conservative Group for Europe after the Labour Party conference voted for Britain to leave the European Economic Community, quoted in The Times (9 October 1980), p. 6.

 * What I have in common with the right hon. Member for Cardiff, South-East (Mr. Callaghan) is that, undeniably, our generation came into Parliament because we were determined to prevent what happened in the 1930s from occurring again and to prevent a breakdown in the social structure and the political institutions that led to the rise of authoritarianism in Europe and finally to the Second World War. That was our determination, and for 25 years, from 1950 to 1975, the people we represented had a better standard of living, bigger and better homes, better education, a better Health Service, better roads and better transport and were able to enjoy holidays such as they had not envisaged before.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (27 November 1980)

 * We are now faced with massive unemployment, on a scale certainly at the level of the 1930s and to become greater. The improvement in housing, education and the standard of living has stopped. To all of us, that is a matter of the greatest possible regret... One of our intentions after the 1930s was to ensure that the Conservative Party was never again considered to be the party of unemployment. I ask my hon. Friends to think seriously about that in our present circumstances.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (27 November 1980)

 * To return to the question of strategy... The Falkland Islands are unlikely to cause a major explosion.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (7 July 1981)

 * The time has come to speak out. Britain is now locked in a vicious spiralling interest rates... The net result of completing the vicious circle is that prices have increased, the rate of inflation has gone up, the money supply has increased, unemployment has gone up, the rate of bankruptcies has increased, the industrial base has been further eroded, the Government's borrowing requirement has increased and as a result there is more pressure to raise interest rates yet again, to be followed inevitably by the same vicious circle. It is this that must be broken.
 * Speech to the Federation of Conservative Students in Manchester (6 October 1981), quoted in The Times (7 October 1981), p. 6.

 * Progress in these policies can only be brought about if a considerable degree of consensus exists within our country. I have heard some doubt expressed as to what consensus means... Consensus means deliberately setting out to achieve the widest possible measure of agreement about our national policies, in this particular case about our economic activities, in the pursuit of a better standard of living for our people and a happier and more prosperous country. If there be any doubt about the desirability of working towards such a consensus let us recognize that every successful industrialized country in the modern world has been working on such a basis.
 * Speech to the Federation of Conservative Students in Manchester (6 October 1981), quoted in The Times (7 October 1981), p. 6. Margaret Thatcher had read Heath's advance text and responded by saying that "To me consensus seems to be—the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies in search of something in which no-one believes, but to which no-one objects".
 * Please don't applaud. It may irritate your neighbour.
 * Receiving a mixed reaction to his speech at the Conservative Party conference, Blackpool (14 October 1981), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (1993), p. 731

 * Monetarism is dead and the alien doctrines of Friedman and Hayek remain only to be buried.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (15 March 1982)

 * We have had eight years of consistent and persistent attacks on those four years in government - and on me, personally, but that does not matter - by people who were collectively responsible for those four years.
 * Interviewed in 1982 about Margaret Thatcher's attitude towards him and his government.

 * He is not mad in the least. He's a very astute person, a clever person.
 * On Saddam Hussein, undated.

 * It is bad because it is a negation of democracy … Worst of all is the imposition by parliamentary diktat of a change of responsible party in London government. There cannot be any justification for that. It immediately lays the Conservative Party open to the charge of the greatest gerrymandering in the last 150 years of British history.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (11 April 1984) opposing the 'paving Bill' preparing for abolition of the Greater London Council, 1984.

 * It was the most enthralling episode in my life
 * Interviewed in 1984 about taking Britain into Europe.

 * I don't think that modesty is the outstanding characteristic of contemporary politics, do you?"
 * Comment in the Commons, December, 1988.

 * I think Churchill would be appalled at the Thatcher government.
 * 1989.

 * Whatever the lady does is wrong. I do not know of a single right decision taken by her.
 * 1989.

 * There's a lot of people I've encouraged and helped to get into the House of Commons. Looking at them now, I'm not so sure it was a wise thing to do.
 * 1989.

 * For all Mr. Gorbachev's policies, is he prepared to see the break-up of the Soviet empire? I do not think so for one moment.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (14 July 1989)

 * Peter Sissons: The single currency, a United States of Europe, was all that in your mind when you took Britain in? Edward Heath: Of course, yes.
 * On BBC's Question Time (1 November 1990), quoted in Peter Sissons, When One Door Closes (2012)

 * Rejoice! Rejoice!
 * On hearing the news of Margaret Thatcher's resignation (22 November 1990), quoted in John Campbell, Edward Heath (London: Jonathan Cape, 1993), p. 787. When asked later if it was true that he had issued such a joyful declaration on his rival's political demise, he said no. He hadn't said rejoice twice, he had said it three times.

 * This is the new imperialism, and I am against the new imperialism. It is not our job to go throwing our forces around the world and saying 'This is an evil man and so on'.
 * Remarks on the Gulf War on ITV, On the Record (3 February 1991), quoted in The Times (4 February 1991), p. 5.

 * I am sure that entering the exchange rate mechanism was absolutely right and is still right. I regret that we did not do so five years earlier, but that is history. Economic monetary union must come as soon as possible, and with it the single currency. Industry wants the single currency, and we must pay attention to the requests and demands of industry.
 * Speech in the House of Commons (26 June 1991)

 * Do you know what Margaret Thatcher did in her first Budget? Introduced VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my retirement.
 * 1992.

 * A tragedy for the party. He's got no ideas, no experience and no hope.
 * On William Hague's election to the leadership of the Conservative Party, 1997.

Disputed

 * You'll lose.
 * His full response supposedly made to Margaret Thatcher when she informed him she would be standing against him for the Conservative leadership in 1975. Attributed to him in his Daily Telegraph obituary (18 July 2005), although disputed by Heath's autobiography.

Quotes about Heath

 * Did it have to come to this? The paradox is that when Europe was less united, it was in many ways more independent. The leaders who ruled in the early stages of integration had all been formed in a world before the global hegemony of the United States, when the major European states were themselves imperial powers, whose foreign policies were self-determined. These were people who had lived through the disasters of the Second World War, but were not crushed by them. This was true not just of a figure like De Gaulle, but of Adenauer and Mollet, of Eden and Heath, all of whom were quite prepared to ignore or defy America if their ambitions demanded it. Monnet, who did not accept their national assumptions, and never clashed with the US, still shared their sense of a future in which Europeans could settle their own affairs, in another fashion. Down into the 1970s, something of this spirit lived on even in Giscard and Schmidt, as Carter discovered. But with the neo-liberal turn of the 1980s, and the arrival in power in the 1990s of a postwar generation, it faded. The new economic doctrines cast doubt on the state as a political agent, and the new leaders had never known anything except the Pax Americana. The traditional springs of autonomy were gone.
 * Perry Anderson, "Depicting Europe", London Review of Books (20 September 2007)

 * The incredible sulk.
 * Anonymous nickname referring to his complaints about Margaret Thatcher.

 * It was abundantly apparent at the end of that meeting that the strike was political, because I remember McGahey, who'd been rather curt in his answers... I remember Ted [Heath] saying to him, "What is it you want, Mr McGahey?" He said something to the effect, "I want to see the end of your government!"
 * Anthony Barber on Heath's meeting with the National Union of Mineworkers executive in Downing Street on 28 November 1973, quoted in Phillip Whitehead, The Writing on the Wall: Britain in the Seventies (1985), p. 104

 * He has a deep contempt for Britain, the British people and parliamentary democracy. He is trying to climb back to power via the Treaty of Rome, and put Britain under government from Brussels for ever. In 1970 Mr Heath solemnly promised that he would not take Britain into the Common Market without the full-hearted consent of the British people. He broke his pledged word then, and he now says he will not accept a 'No' vote on Thursday. Heath promised more jobs and higher living standards inside the EEC. These promises were all broken, and he now tells us we are so poor we cannot come out; beggars can't be choosers. That is false, too. Heath's leadership has been a total disaster for the British people. The Tory Party threw him out.
 * Tony Benn, Speech at an anti-EEC rally (3 June 1975), quoted in 'Heath attack by Mr Benn', The Times (4 June 1975), p. 6

 * Mrs Thatcher made...the most rumbustious rampaging, right-wing speech that I've heard from the Government Front Bench in the whole of my life. Afterwards I saw Ted Heath and told him, "I've never heard a speech like that in all my years in Parliament." He said, "Neither have I." "I suppose this really was what Selsdon was all about." "Oh, there never was a Selsdon policy," Heath replied. "It was invented by Harold Wilson. Look at our 1970 manifesto; it wasn't there at all." ... I said I had some sympathy with Thatcher – with her dislike of the wishy-washy centre of British politics. He gave me such a frosty look that I daresay I had touched a raw nerve.
 * Tony Benn, diary entry (15 May 1979), quoted in Tony Benn, Conflicts of Interest: Diaries 1977–80 (1990), p. 505

 * The lengthy Watergate Scandal, which eventually led to the fall of Nixon in 1974, helped cause a crisis of confidence in American leadership. Moreover, Western disunity was seen in Western European unwillingness to respond in NATO to America’s global commitments as well as growing French alienation from the USA. Edward Heath, British Prime Minister from 1970 to 1974, was determined not to be branded as the American spokesman in Europe, was not eager for close co-operation with Nixon, and argued that membership in the European Community represented a welcome alternative to the USA. Britain was also faced from 1974 by a political upheaval stemming from a coalminers’ strike, and then by a more general crisis as high inflation and trade union power contributed to an acute sense of malaise and weakness. The idea of Britain playing a role in resisting Communist expansion and activity outside Western Europe and the North Atlantic appeared increasingly incredible. Nationalist violence in Northern Ireland placed a new strain on the British military.
 * Jeremy Black, The Cold War: A Military History (2015)

 * [T]here was among ordinary Tories in the country a more generalised mood of mounting frustration at the failure of successive Conservative Governments to halt or reverse what seemed a relentless one-way slide to socialism. Not only in the management of the economy but in almost every sphere of domestic and foreign policy – immigration, comprehensive schools, trade unions, Northern Ireland, Rhodesia – Heath had appeared almost deliberately to affront the party's traditional supporters while appeasing their tribal enemies. Strikes, crime, revolting students, pornography, terrorism, inflation eating away at their savings, even decimalisation, all stoked in saloon bars, golf clubs and the columns of the Daily Telegraph a rising anger that the country was going to the dogs while the Tory Government was not resisting but rather speeding the process. By the time Heath lost the February 1974 election an ugly mood had built up in the Tory party which lacked only heavyweight leadership to weld together the two elements – the political backlash and the economic analysis – to form a potent combination which ultimately became known as Thatcherism.
 * John Campbell, Margaret Thatcher, Volume One: The Grocer's Daughter (2000), pp. 262-263

 * Heath...was passionately committed on the merits of the issue. He waged an extremely effective campaign, and my respect for him, already considerable at the beginning, went steadily up as it progressed. Yet he was always a difficult morsel to digest. He never tried to be awkward, but there was a certain inherent awkwardness about his character and indeed his physique. He stood resolutely there, as impervious to the waves and as reliable in his beam as a great lighthouse, but sometimes blocking the way. But he was never negligible. ... [H]e was dependable and powerful.
 * Roy Jenkins on Heath's role in the 1975 EEC referendum, A Life at the Centre (1991), p. 416

 * No Prime Minister, either before or since, could compare with Ted Heath in the efforts he made to establish a spirit of camaraderie with trade unions and to offer an attractive package which might satisfy large numbers of work people. At the outset I thought he represented the hard face of the Tory party but over the years he revealed the human face of Toryism, at least to the trade union leaders who met him frequently. It is doubtful whether the public gained that view of him, partly because, as he himself admitted at one of the Downing Street meetings, he was a bad communicator. Amazingly, he gained more personal respect from union leaders than they seemed to have for Harold Wilson, or even Jim Callaghan.
 * Jack Jones, Union Man (1986), p. 259

 * Ted had the respect of trade-union people until just before the Chequers breakdown. Why? His infinite capacity for listening, and his manifest sincerity of purpose. Trade-union people know when they are dealing with an honest man and a straight man. They saw this in him. They thought the breakdown was due not to him but to the pressure from his Cabinet: that he was being imposed upon by the hard-faced men in the Cabinet. Therefore they came to think no progress could be made.
 * Ronald McIntosh, remarks to Hugo Young (6 February 1976), quoted in Hugo Young, The Hugo Young Papers: Thirty Years of British Politics – Off the Record, ed. Ion Trewin (2008), p. 80

 * Heath was known for his ability and energy, which marked him out for a leading role in the British Conservative Party. I liked him above all for his human qualities and his convictions. On the need for Britain to take part in the building of Europe he had not faltered since his maiden speech in 1950; nor did he in the future.
 * Jean Monnet, Memoirs (1978), p. 455

 * [T]he Conservative Opposition under Ted Heath decided to support the Labour Government's legislation [the Race Relations Bill]. Later, when Enoch Powell spoke in Birmingham in April [1968], saying, “Like the Roman, I see the River Tiber flowing with much blood”, Heath removed him from the Shadow Cabinet. This was to Heath's immense credit because public opinion was wholly with Enoch Powell and many Conservative activists saw Powell as the saviour of the nation. Heath thought the whole tone of the speech was incompatible with the Conservative Party's attitude to race relations and demonstrated to me for the first time the decisiveness and principle which I later learnt to respect.
 * David Owen, Time to Declare (1991), p. 112

 * In January 1972, although the jobless total adjusted for seasonal factors remained below one million, the unadjusted overall total exceeded that. The Commons had to be suspended during the Prime Minister's Questions following Labour's furious protests. This in itself did not shake Ted, but he utterly despised and detested the pre-war Conservative governments, who had tolerated between two and three million unemployed. It was therefore no surprise in which direction Ted decided our economic policy should go when he now had to choose between tolerating a continued high level of unemployment, in the hope that this would keep some control over wage claims and inflation – or trying to run the economy with a higher level of output and growth, and seeking some other means of control over wage and price increases. The high unemployment route was counter to everything Ted believed in and had hoped to achieve for Britain.
 * Jim Prior, A Balance of Power (1986), p. 74

title: Edward Heath


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Talk:Yellow Submarine (animated movie/soundtrack)

This article is redundant: although the Wikipedia article links here, the actual page of Yellow Submarine quotes is under Yellow Submarine.

 * I've merged the content and added the edit history to Talk:Yellow Submarine. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 23:37, 14 February 2006 (UTC)

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Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is a 1939 film about a naive and idealistic man who is appointed to fill a vacancy in the US Senate. His plans promptly collide with political corruption, but he doesn't back down.
 * Directed by Frank Capra. Written by Sidney Buchman, based on the story "The Gentleman from Montana" by Lewis R. Foster.

Capra at his greatest! Taglines

Jefferson Smith

 * My Dad had the right idea. He had it all worked out. He used to say to me, "Son, don't miss the wonders that surround you; because, every tree, every rock, every ant hill, every star is filled with the wonders of nature." And, he used to say to me, "Have you ever noticed how grateful you are to see daylight again after coming through a long, dark tunnel?" Well, he'd say, "Always try to see life around you, as if you'd just come out a tunnel."
 * [After reading the Declaration of Independence] Now, you're not gonna have a country that can make these kind of rules work, if you haven't got men that have learned to tell human rights from a punch in the nose. [The Senate applauds] It's a funny thing about men, you know. They all start life being boys. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if some of these Senators were boys once. And that's why it seemed like a pretty good idea for me to get boys out of crowded cities and stuffy basements for a couple of months out of the year. And build their bodies and minds for a man-sized job, because those boys are gonna be behind these desks some of these days. And it seemed like a pretty good idea, getting boys from all over the country, boys of all nationalities and ways of living. Getting them together. Let them find out what makes different people tick the way they do. Because I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules if, behind them, they didn't have a little bit of plain, ordinary, everyday kindness and a - a little lookin' out for the other fella, too...That's pretty important, all that. It's just the blood and bone and sinew of this democracy that some great men handed down to the human race, that's all. But of course, if you've got to build a dam where that boys camp ought to be, to get some graft to pay off some political army or something, well that's a different thing. Oh no! If you think I'm going back there and tell those boys in my state and say: 'Look. Now fellas. Forget about it. Forget all this stuff I've been tellin' you about this land you live in is a lot of hooey. This isn't your country. It belongs to a lot of James Taylors.' Oh no! Not me! And anybody here that thinks I'm gonna do that, they've got another thing comin'. [He whistles loudly with his fingers in his mouth, startling Senators who are dozing or reading other materials] That's all right. I just wanted to find out if you still had faces. I'm sorry gentlemen. I-I know I'm being disrespectful to this honorable body, I know that. I- A guy like me should never be allowed to get in here in the first place. I know that! And I hate to stand here and try your patience like this, but EITHER I'M DEAD RIGHT OR I'M CRAZY.
 * [His voice very hoarse, from his filibuster] There's no compromise with truth. That's all I got up on this floor to say. When was it? A year ago, it seems like....Just get up off the ground, that's all I ask. Get up there with that lady that's up on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty. Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want to see something. And you won't just see scenery; you'll see the whole parade of what Man's carved out for himself, after centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just jungle law, fighting so's he can stand on his own two feet, free and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color, or creed. That's what you'd see. There's no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties. And, uh, if that's what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we'd better get those boys' camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it's not too late, because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don't get lost once they come to light. They're right here; you just have to see them again!
 * [His voice very hoarse] I guess this is just another lost cause, Mr. Paine. All you people don't know about lost causes. Mr. Paine does. He said once they were the only causes worth fighting for, and he fought for them once, for the only reason any man ever fights for them: Because of just one plain simple rule: Love thy neighbor. And in this world today, full of hatred, a man who knows that one rule has a great trust. You know that rule, Mr. Paine. And I loved you for it just as my father did, and you know that you fight for the lost causes harder than for any others. Yes, you even die for them, like a man we both knew, Mr. Paine. You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well, I'm not licked, and I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if this room gets filled with lies like these! [takes a handful of the letters in the basket and throws them on the floor]. When the Taylors and all their armies come marching into this place, somebody'll listen to me! Some--- [Faints from exhaustion]

Senator Joseph Paine

 * I was hoping you'd be spared all this. I was hoping that you'd see the sights, absorb a lot of history, and go back to your boys. Now you've been living in a boy's world, Jeff, and for heaven's sakes, stay there! This is a man's world. It's a brutal world Jeff, and you've no place in it. You'll only get hurt. Now take my advice. Forget Taylor and what he said. Forget you ever heard of the Willet Creek Dam...I know it's tough to run head-on into facts but, well as I said, this is a man's world Jeff, and you've got to check your ideals outside the door, like you do your rubbers. I know how you feel, Jeff. Thirty years ago - I had those ideals, too. I was you. I had to make the decision you were asked to make today. And I compromised - yes! So that all these years I could stay in that Senate - and serve the people in a thousand honest ways! You've got to face facts, Jeff. I've served our state well, haven't I? We have the lowest unemployment and the highest federal grants. But, well, I've had to compromise, had to play ball. You can't count on people voting, half the time they don't vote, anyway. That's how states and empires have been built since time began. Don't you understand? Well, Jeff, you can take my word for it, that's how things are. Now I've told you all this because - well, I've grown very fond of you - about like a son - in fact, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Now, when that deficiency bill comes up in the Senate tomorrow, you stay away from it. Don't say a word. Great powers are behind it, and they'll destroy you before you can even get started. For your own sake, Jeff, and for the sake of my friendship with your father, please, don't say a word.

Others

 * H.V. Kaltenborn: [speaking on the radio] Half of official Washington is here to see democracy's finest show, the filibuster, the right to talk your head off, the American privilege of free speech in its most dramatic form. The least man in that chamber, once he gets and holds that floor by the rules, can hold it and talk as long as he can stand on his feet providing always, first, that he does not sit down, second, that he does not leave the chamber or stop talking. The galleries are packed. In the diplomatic gallery are the envoys of two dictator powers. They have come here to see what they can't see at home. DEMOCRACY IN ACTION.
 * H.V. Kaltenborn: [Speaking on the radio] Senator Smith, has now talked for 23 hours and 16 minutes. It is the most unusual and spectacular thing in the Senate annals. One alone and simple American, holding the greatest floor in the land. What he lacked in experience, he's made up in fight. But those tired Boy Ranger legs are buckling. Bleary eyed, voice gone, he cannot go on much longer. And all official Washington is here to be in on the kill.

Dialogue

 * Jefferson Smith: Did you ever have so much to say about something, you just couldn't say it?
 * Clarissa Saunders: Try sitting down.
 * Jefferson Smith: I did - I got right back up again.
 * Clarissa Saunders: Now look. Let's get down to particulars. How big is this thing? Where's it gonna be? How many boys will it accommodate? You've got to have all of that in it, you know.
 * Jefferson Smith: Yeah, yeah, and something else, Miss Saunders. The uh, the spirit of it. The idea - the - [He snaps his fingers] How do ya say it? [He walks to the window in which the lighted Capitol Dome is seen. He points out at the Dome] That's what's got to be in it!
 * Clarissa Saunders: What?
 * Jefferson Smith: The Capitol Dome.
 * Clarissa Saunders: On paper? [She lifts her eyebrows a little]
 * Jefferson Smith: I want to make that come to life for every boy in this land. Yes, and all lighted up like that too! You see, you see, boys forget what their country means by just reading 'the land of the free' in history books. And they get to be men - they forget even more. Liberty's too precious a thing to be buried in books, Miss Saunders. Men should hold it up in front of them every single day of their lives and say: 'I'm free to think and to speak. My ancestors couldn't. I can. And my children will.' Boys ought to grow up remembering that.

 * James Taylor: What did you mean "count me out"?
 * Joseph Paine: You can't pull that steamroller stuff. Your methods won't do here. However it happened, this boy's a Senator. This is Washington, Jim!
 * James Taylor: My steamroller methods don't go here? They've done pretty well by you.
 * Joseph Paine: This boy is different. He's honest. He thinks the world of me. We can't do this to him!
 * James Taylor: Should I just stand around and let that drooling infant wrap that Willet Creek dam appropriation around my neck? Not me. Either he falls in line or I'll break him so open they won't find the pieces.
 * Joseph Paine: Jim, I won't stand for it.
 * James Taylor: You won't stand for it?
 * Joseph Paine: I don't want any part of crucifying this boy.
 * James Taylor: Our steamroller methods are getting too hard for your sensitive soul? The Silver Knight is getting too big for us. My methods have been all right for the past twenty years. Since I picked you out of a hole in the wall and blew you up to look like a senator. And now you can't stand it. Maybe you don't have to. You and the boy ranger can go home together.
 * Joseph Paine: Jim, you don't have to...
 * James Taylor: It's all right. Seems a shame to part company after all these years.

 * Jefferson Smith: You sure had the right idea about me, Saunders. You told me to go back home, keep fillin' those kids full of hooey. Yeah. Just a simple guy you said was still wet behind the ears. A lot of junk about American ideals. Yeah, that's certainly a lot of junk, all right...I don't know. This is a whole new world to me. What are you gonna believe in? And a man like Paine, Senator Joseph Paine gets up and swears that I've been robbing kids of nickels and dimes. A man I've admired and worshiped all my life. There are a lot of fancy words here. Some of them are carved in stone, some of them men like Taylor put up there. So suckers like me could read them. Then you find out what those men actually do. I'm getting out of this town so fast. Away from all the words, the monuments, the whole rotten show.
 * Clarissa Saunders: I see. When you get home, what are you gonna tell those kids?
 * Jefferson Smith: I'll tell 'em the truth. Might as well find it out now as later.
 * Clarissa Saunders: I don't think they'll believe you, Jeff. You know, they're liable to look up at you with hurt faces and say, 'Jeff, what did you do? Quit? Didn't you do something about it?'
 * Jefferson Smith: Well, what do you expect me to do? An honorary stooge like me against the Taylors and Paines and machines and lies...
 * Clarissa Saunders: Your friend Mr. Lincoln had his Taylors and Paines. So did every other man whoever tried to lift his thought up off the ground. Odds against 'em didn't stop those men. They were fools that way. All the good that ever came into this world came from fools with faith like that. You know that Jeff. You can't quit now. Not you! They aren't all Taylors and Paines in Washington. Their kind just throw big shadows, that's all. You didn't just have faith in Paine or any other living man. You had faith in something bigger than that. You had plain, decent, every day, common rightness. And this country could use some of that. Yeah - so could the whole cock-eyed world. A lot of it. Remember the first day you got here? Remember what you said about Mr. Lincoln? You said he was sitting up there waiting for someone to come along. You were right! He was waiting for a man who could see his job and sail into it. That's what he was waiting for. A man who could tear into the Taylors and root 'em out into the open. I think he was waiting for you Jeff. He knows you can do it. So do I.
 * Jefferson Smith: What? Do what, Saunders?
 * Clarissa Saunders: You just make up your mind you're not gonna quit and I'll tell you what. I've been thinkin' about it all the way back here. It's a forty foot dive into a tub of water, but I think you can do it.
 * Jefferson Smith: Clarissa, where can we get a drink?
 * Clarissa Saunders: [slapping his knee] Now you're talkin'!

 * President of Senate: The Chair recognizes... Senator Smith!
 * Jefferson Smith: Thank you, sir.
 * Clarissa Saunders: Diz, here we go.
 * Jefferson Smith: Well, I guess the gentlemen are in a pretty tall hurry to get me out of here. The way the evidence has piled up against me, I can't say I blame them much. And I'm quite willing to go, sir, when they vote it that way - but before that happens I've got a few things I want to say to this body. I tried to say them once before, and I got stopped colder than a mackerel. Well, I'd like to get them said this time, sir. And as a matter of fact, I'm not going to leave this body until I do get them said.
 * Senator Joseph Paine: Mr. President, will the Senator yield?
 * President of Senate: Will the Senator yield?
 * Jefferson Smith: No, sir, I'm afraid not, no sir. I yielded the floor once before, if you can remember, and I was practically never heard of again. No sir. And we might as well all get together on this yielding business right off the bat, now.
 * [laughter from the gallery]
 * Jefferson Smith: Now, I had some pretty good coaching last night, and I find that if I yield only for a question or a point of order or a personal privilege, that I can hold this floor almost until doomsday. In other words, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold, I'm going to speak it.

 * Senator Joseph Paine: I wish to ask my distinguished colleague, has he one scrap of evidence to add now to the defense he did not give and could not give at that same hearing?
 * Jefferson Smith: I have no defense against forged papers!
 * Senator Joseph Paine: The Committee ruled otherwise! The gentleman stands guilty, as charged. And I believe I speak for every member when I say that no one cares to hear what a man of his condemned character has to say about any section of any legislation before this House.
 * President of Senate: Order, order, gentlemen.
 * Jefferson Smith: Mr. President, I stand guilty as FRAMED! Because section 40 is graft! And I was ready to say so, I was ready to tell you that a certain man in my state, a Mr. James Taylor, wanted to put through this dam for his own profit. A man who controls a political machine! And controls everything else worth controlling in my state. Yes, and a man even powerful enough to control Congressmen - and I saw three of them in his room the day I went up to see him!
 * Senator Joseph Paine: Will the Senator yield?
 * Jefferson Smith: No, sir, I will not yield! And this same man, Mr. James Taylor, came down here and offered me a seat in this Senate for the next 20 years if I voted for a dam that he knew, and I knew, was a fraud. But if I dared to open my mouth against that dam, he promised to break me in two. Alright, I got up here, and I started to open my mouth, and the long and powerful arm of Mr. James Taylor reached into this sacred chamber and grabbed me by the scruff of the neck!

 * Diz Moore: [dictating into phone] In protest, the whole Senate body rose and walked out.
 * Clarissa Saunders: No! No, not that straight stuff. Now listen, kick it up, get on his side, fight for him! Understand?
 * Diz Moore: You love this monkey - don't you?
 * Clarissa Saunders: What do you think? Now listen, go to work. Do as I tell you, you do know that, don't you?
 * Diz Moore: [into phone] Throw out that last, take this. This is the most titanic battle of modern times. A David without even a slingshot rises to do battle against the mighty Goliath, the Taylor machine, allegedly crooked inside and out. Yeah, and for my money and an extra bonus prize, you can cut out the "allegedly."

Taglines

 * Capra at his greatest!
 * Stirring - In the seeing! Precious - In the remembering!
 * Capra's Greatest Hit --- The Screen At Its Most Inspired!
 * Entertainment As Powerful As the Strength of the People! As Great As the Genius of Capra!
 * Romance, drama, laughter and heartbreak ... created out of the very heart and soil of America ... by a great director and cast!

Cast

 * James Stewart - Jefferson Smith
 * Jean Arthur - Clarissa Saunders
 * Claude Rains - Sen. Joseph Harrison Paine
 * Edward Arnold - Jim Taylor
 * Guy Kibbee - Gov. Hubert 'Happy' Hopper
 * Thomas Mitchell - Diz Moore
 * Eugene Pallette - Chick McGann
 * Beulah Bondi - Ma Smith
 * H.B. Warner - Sen. Agnew (Senate Majority Leader)
 * Harry Carey - The Vice President
 * Astrid Allwyn - Susan Paine
 * Ruth Donnelly - Emma Hopper
 * Grant Mitchell - Sen. MacPherson (Privileges and Elections Committee)
 * H.V. Kaltenborn - Himself (broadcaster)

title: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington


text:
Muppets Tonight

Muppets Tonight (1996–1998) was a television series created by The Jim Henson Company and featuring the Muppets. The show was a continuation of The Muppet Show, set in a television studio, rather than a theatre.

The premise of Muppets Tonight was that Kermit the Frog - voiced by Steve Whitmire, and Clifford - voiced by Kevin Clash, were the hosts of a variety/talk show on KMUP. The show stuck closely to the Muppet Show format of various skits (mostly featuring the show's human guest star) interspersed with some sort of crisis occurring backstage.

Theme Song

 * Clifford: If you're a human bein',
 * Take a break from the race.
 * Take a load off your feet,
 * Wipe the look off your face.
 * Got a lot to do,
 * And we do it for you;
 * Everybody take your place!

 * Clifford: Oh it's the night,
 * Chorus: [counterpoint] You're gonna see something never seen,
 * Clifford: Tonight's the night!
 * Chorus: [counterpoint] you're gonna hear things that never been.

 * Clifford: We got a show for you,
 * Guaranteed brand new,
 * All: Here come the Muppets Tonight!
 * Clifford: Yeah.

 * All: We got a show for you,
 * Guaranteed brand new,
 * Here come the Muppets
 * Here come the Muppets,
 * Here come the Muppets Tonight!

Michelle Pfeiffer [1.1]

 * Kermit: And here is Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs! Take it away Gonzo.
 * Gonzo: Thank you very much, Kermit! Let's see, here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn,...
 * Rizzo: That's my favorite one.
 * Gonzo: ...and the Single Duck in the City and his apartment full of friends...
 * Rizzo I got one too.
 * Gonzo: ...and for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-flies...
 * Kermit: Ahr...er.. 'x...'xcuse me, but TBA means 'To be Announced', which means...We don't have a show for tonight!
 * Gonzo: [freaking out] What?! No show?! Oh, no, that's terrible! [resumes "normally" after a pause] Okay, on Saturday we have...

 * Kermit: Congratulations, Clifford, you got your own show
 * Clifford: [into the phone] Hold on, baby. [to Kermit] My Own show?! I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So, so when does it start?
 * Kermit: Ooh, in about thirty seconds.
 * Clifford: [into the phone] I call you back. Iuh![faints]

 * Clifford: I'm Clifford, your homey made of foamy!

 * [There is no opening act]
 * Gonzo: Clifford, your problems are solved: I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off.
 * Clifford: Well, put 'em on, man!
 * Gonzo: [looks down] Your socks?
 * Clifford: No! The act, the act!
 * Gonzo: Oh, yes, okay. [clears throat] Muppets Tonight is proud to present: François Fromage and his dancing cheeses! Give it up, Give it up!
 * Clifford: It better be Gouda! What? Too cheesy?

 * [Miss Piggy offers her services]
 * Clifford: You're really gonna do our show? We', that's great! But, but I thought you were busy doing infomercials.
 * Miss Piggy: [repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!
 * Redshirt: [Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo...
 * Miss Piggy: [eliminates him] Hahahah, haah.
 * Miss Piggy on the Infomercial: And not only do my Pigwig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but...they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Look! [the pot turns her around really fast] The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself! Whoa, whoa!
 * Miss Piggy: [deadpan] Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.

 * [Clifford has foolishly agreed to hire Andy and Randy Pig, two nephews of Miss Piggy]
 * Clifford: So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?
 * Andy and Randy: This job is too hard!

 * [Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]
 * Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!
 * Statler: What's that?
 * Waldorf: It's on! [both laugh]

 * [Next week: Elvis of Arabia]
 * Elvis of Arabia: Dang, it's hot out here.

 * [Clifford is still a bit dizzy from his last encounter with Miss Piggy]
 * Clifford: [dazed] Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number, from The Sound of Music...number.

 * [Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy perform The Sound of Music]
 * Michelle Pfeiffer: [to children] I'm going to sing you a song. [to Miss Piggy] In key.
 * Miss Piggy: [threateningly] Why, I oughta...

Sandra Bullock [1.7]

 * [Andy and Randy are answering the phone]
 * Andy: What? The winner of what?! $14,000,000!?!?! Well, no, thank you. We cannot count that high. [they both hang up]
 * Clifford: Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe that you just turned down $14,000,000!
 * Andy: Oh, we didn't. It was for you.

 * Clifford: Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?
 * Bobo: Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure.

 * [The phone rings]
 * Bobo: [answers the phone] Homicide, how can I help you?
 * Mad Bomber: Alright, man. Listen and listen good.
 * Bobo: Okay.
 * Mad Bomber: There's a bomb in your studio.
 * Bobo: Oh, I know: I read this week's script too. [laughs] Have, have a good day, sir! [puts phone down. The mad bomber tries again]
 * Mad Bomber: Don't hang up again!!!
 * Bobo: Ok, whatever you say, sir:
 * Mad Bomber: Now, listen to me, and listen carefully!
 * Bobo: Ok.
 * Mad Bomber: I have something very important to tell you!
 * Bobo: Oh, ah, eh, Should I write this down?
 * Mad Bomber: Yes, it's important!
 * Bobo: Okay, eh, well, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. I need to find a pencil.
 * Mad Bomber: Hey, no! [gets put on hold while listening to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection"] D'oh!

 * Clifford: How am I gonna keep the ratings above 50?
 * Rizzo: Well, first off, you gotta get rid of this act. Ugh!
 * [Shows two Muppets with flat faces banging their heads against anvils to the music of the Anvil Chorus]
 * Clifford: Aw, man!

 * [Seinfeld Babies]
 * Jerry: I don't understand the concept of changin. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!

 * ''[A bomb will explode if ratings drop below 50]
 * Seymour: Hey, hey, hey, put us on, we've got an act!
 * Rizzo: Are we that desperate?
 * Rizzo and Gonzo: Yes, go, go, go, come on!
 * Pepe: Hahahah, Richard...
 * [Seymour and Pepe perform their song for the first time on the air]
 * Seymour: I'm Seymour.
 * Pepe: I'm Pepe.
 * Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.
 * Pepe: I'm a little bit forward,
 * Seymour: and I've got a big behind.
 * Pepe: Hey, Seymour, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
 * Seymour: Gee, Pepe, I don't know.
 * Pepe: Ela-if I-know.
 * [Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny]

Jason Alexander [1.8]

 * [Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express]
 * Announcer: And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.
 * [The room was dark, and the gunshot was heard]
 * Mr. Poodlepants: Help, help! I've been murderized!
 * [The lights come on, and other Muppets come to his aid]
 * Kermit: Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!
 * Mr. Poodlepants: [rising] Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really-
 * Bobo: [shutting his mouth] SHHH!!! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. [lowering him down]
 * Bunsen: Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?
 * Kermit: There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!
 * [Hercule enters]
 * Jason as Hercule Poirot: [in his French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.
 * Bobo: Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?
 * Jason as Hercule Poirot: Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.
 * Fozzie: But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.
 * Jason as Hercule Poirot: I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.
 * Fozzie: Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.
 * Bobo: Shht. Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!
 * Jason as Hercule Poirot: [grabbing Bobo's collar] Yes. I might, if I was HercuLES, which I am NOT! Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.
 * Bunsen: Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.
 * Jason as Hercule Poirot: Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.
 * Bunsen: What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?
 * Jason: [normal voice] Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.
 * Mr. Poodlepants: Jason, please, you're breaking character.
 * Jason: I'm breaking character? You're supposed to be DEAD! [pokes him in the eyes] This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!!! [falls off the train]
 * Fozzie: I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. [honks his horn]

Whoopi Goldberg [1.9]

 * [From the files of Fairyland PD]
 * Officer Al: Some broad named Locks, Goldie Locks, she has barricaded herself in the three bears' house, and she got demands.
 * Detective Bobo: What kinda demands?
 * Officer Al: They keep changin', sometimes the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold, the bed's too hard, the bed's too soft, you know how it is with dames!
 * [...]
 * Detective Bobo: [after Goldie Locks hits him on the head with a frying pan] I think this calls for a little undercover work. [Puts on glasses] Yeah.
 * Clifford: Oh, no, Bobo, she'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
 * Detective Bobo: We'll see. Yoohoo, miss Locks!
 * Goldie Locks: Say, er, you're not the bear that was here before, you're a... completely different bear.
 * Detective Bobo: That's right!
 * Goldie Locks: I'll be right back.
 * Detective Bobo: [singing] I told you, I told you!
 * Goldie Locks: Oh, yoohoo, oh, completely different bear!
 * Detective Bobo: Yes? [Goldie hits him on the head with a frying pan] Ow, ow, argh!
 * Clifford: [singing] I told you, I told you, I told you!

 * [Miss Piggy is delayed]
 * Clifford:Heh, heh, man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing them out there!
 * Zippety: My baby!
 * Clifford: We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
 * Rizzo the Rat: Let's just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out.
 * [Cut to Miss Piggy in limo]
 * Miss Piggy: Whoopi's doing great, she's killing them out there! They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope that Clifford doesn't figure that out.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince [1.1]

 * [Prince tries to get by Bobo, the security guard]
 * Bobo the Bear: Ahuh, and your name, sir?
 * TAFKAP: [sideways into the camera] Ah, this is going to be fun! [to Bobo] I'm The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
 * Bobo the Bear: Oooo, and I am The Bear Currently Known As Not Amused!
 * [...]
 * Bobo the Bear: Now, er, how would your name appear on my list here?
 * TAFKAP: [shows The Symbol] like this!
 * Bobo the Bear: Ooh, ok, Dr. Rorschach, I'll play along. I see my mother and a butterfly doing a mambo on an orange.
 * TAFKAP: Just check the list, fool!
 * Bobo the Bear: Pretty mouthy for a guy with no name.

 * [The crew just performed Delerious for Prince]
 * TAFKAP: That's wonderful, but I ain't into the leather and lace look much anymore, guys
 * Gonzo the Great: Oh, good, 'cause this bustier is killing me, heheh.
 * [...]
 * TAFKAP: By the way, Gonzo. You are definitely workin' these pumps 'n fishnets.

 * [Clifford introduces the guest star]
 * Clifford: ..., an incredible performer, and the most unusual name in show business, right here. [shows The Symbol]
 * Bobo the Bear: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many drawings of my mother are out there?

Heather Locklear [1.3]

 * Narrator: Muppets Tonight presents: The Hardy Pigboys in the Mystery of the Zombiequeen of the Amazon Outerspace Jungle beewoman case... Based on a novel by Jane Austen... Argh, who wrote this?
 * Andy & Randy: Eh, we did! ... Here we are. Andy 'n Randy Hardy Pigboys... Us, junior spaceboy-pigdetectives, marooned on a straaange planet! Because we are here to solve a mys-te-ry!
 * Bee Soldier: Zzzzzzzzz! Erm. Who are you?
 * Andy & Randy: This mystery is too hard!

 * [21 Muppet heights - a soap opera with Johnny Fiama as Clark Barr, Sal as Chaz and Heather Locklear as Diamanda]
 * Clark Barr: Well well well, Chaz, what are you doing here? Where is Diamanda? Where is she?
 * Chaz: She's in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johhny!
 * Clark Barr: Mmmm. ... [with teeth tight] It's not Johnny, it's Clark'', Chaz!
 * Chaz: Okay, Clark Chaz.
 * Clark Barr: No, no, no, you, you're Chaz, I'm Clark - Clark Barr.
 * Chaz: Clark bar, mmmmm! Clark bar like the candy?
 * Clark Barr: What you talkin' about? It's my na... Oh right, forget about it, just do your lines, Sal!
 * Chaz: Ok Johhny. I mean Clark - Chaz, I m... Clark. ... er
 * Clark Barr: Where was I? Where was I? Oh yes, yes, yes! Ha ha! Oh, I can't believe this, me the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights, and you [disbelief is apparent] a successful male supermodel, here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood!
 * Diamanda: Hey guys! Look, I've knitted mittens! For everyone!
 * Clark Barr: Mittens?

James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) [1.4]

 * Bunsen: Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this evening, mister Bond.
 * 007: Thank you, Bunsen, but, er... I'm not really James Bond, I'm just... Pierce Brosnan, Heh!
 * Bunsen: Oooh, Whatever you say, 007, wink, wink!
 * Beaker: Wink, wink, wink!

 * Bunsen: Over here, I like to show you, this: which call this our "Deadly Alarm Clock".
 * 007: I see! And how 'oes that work?
 * Bunsen: Well we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebodies head. It really hurts!

 * Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.
 * Rizzo: Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
 * Clifford: Wadda ya mean?
 * ''[Four rats pop up and sing a rendition of 'Istanbul (Not Constantinople)' by The Four Lads]
 * Rats: Istanbul was Constantinople.
 * Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
 * Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
 * Why did Constantinople get the works?
 * That's nobody's business but the Turks!

 * Clifford: [Addressing the Audience] Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later! [Walks off to meet Rizzo] Yo, Riz, Riz! What ya got for me?
 * Rizzo: Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas!
 * Clifford: Oah, that doesn't sound good!
 * Rizzo: It's either that or Seymore and Pepe doing German opera.
 * [Seymour and Pepe do their song]
 * Seymour: Hi, there!
 * Pepe: Ah, Aah!
 * Seymour: I'm Tristan.
 * Pepe:I'm Isolde.
 * Together: We're two of a kind!
 * Pepe: We both wear lederhosen,
 * Seymour: and go swimming up the Rhine.
 * Together: Tadaa!
 * Clifford: I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
 * Rizzo: Yeah.

 * [Waldorf and Statler watch The Dancing Grandmas]
 * Statler: Woo-Wooh! Look at her shake that thing!
 * Waldorf: And what thing is that?
 * Statler: [pause] I don't remember! [both laugh]

 * Clifford: Yo, yo, yo, Pierce, where-a ya been, man? We need you for the spy-in-the-casino sketch.
 * 007: Oh, good, good, good! What does that involve?
 * Clifford: You know... the usual! Where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women, gets tortured and saves the day!
 * 007: [pauses for a moment while staring blankly] And what do I do?
 * Clifford: That is what you'll be doing, man, just like in your movies.
 * 007: But Clifford, this is live television. In the movies we plan everything and we do it over and over again until we get it right. I mean: we have stunt-men and special effects and we go to exotic locations like... Istanbul and... Constantinople.
 * ''[The Four rats pop up again.]
 * Rats: Now every gal in Constantinople,
 * lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople,
 * so if you've a date, in Constantinople,
 * she'll be waiting in Istanbul!
 * 007: You know Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat-song, has given me time to think: I'll do the sketch!

 * [James Bond meets the bad guy in the casino]
 * 007: Hey Blowfish, you up to your old tricks of playing pinochle again, hey?
 * Blowfish: It's blackjack, you fool!
 * 007: So, changed your name to Black Jack? Very clever! But I still recognize you!
 * [...]
 * MC: [French accent] Ladies and gentleman, The Maman Casino is proud to present the song stylings of... Miss Porky Galore!

 * [Swift Wits, the fastest game-show on earth. Hosted by Nookie Blier]
 * Nookie Blier: Here is today's contestant, mister Arthur Model. I understand you have a very interesting story about the time you had a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?
 * Arthur Model: Yes, Nookie, you see: we were a...
 * Nookie Blier: Ahah. Okay Arthur. I said you have a interesting story. I didn't say that I wanted to hear it!

 * [The Rock Lobsters enter the KMUP building and encounter Bobo the Security Bear, who is on the phone]
 * Band leader: After we do our number, we take over the studio and make our demands!
 * Drummer: Okay!
 * Bobo: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! What are you guys doing here?
 * Band leader: Eh, we're the Rock Lobsters, we're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the show.
 * Drummer: Yeah, and then we're gonna take over the studio!
 * Band leader: [to drummer] Sssht, Chatterhead! [to Bobo] He was talking about how, how bears will believe anything you tell 'em.
 * Bobo: [laughs] You got that right! Ah, have a good day, fellows!

 * [007 juggles with Andy and Randy Pig.]
 * 007: Coming at you Nancy, coming at you Clancy! [Throws clubs at the Pigs]
 * Andy: [As clubs hit them on the head] Aw! We should have found out what juggling is. Aw!
 * 007: There we go. Coming at you. Don't lose interest.
 * Randy: Aw. Why is he hitting us?
 * Andy and Randy: This job is too hard!

 * Statler: Well, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.
 * Waldorf: Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]

 * [The Rock Lobsters are nearing the end of their song.]
 * Clifford: [to Rizzo] Figure those lobsters out there: aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars and their little lobster semi-automatic weapons.
 * [Rizzo and Clifford both laugh, until it hits them]
 * [Cut to stage]
 * Band leader: [Interspersed with enthusiastic support from his peers] Keep that camera turned on me, or we will shoot you! Shellfish of the world, unite! We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet Studios! Here we will announce our plans for world domination. Here are our demands: First, that from now on, when someone's in bad mood, no-more calling them 'crabs'. Second: when someone is short, ''no-more calling them 'shrimps'.
 * Drummer: [Freaking out] Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us.
 * Band leader: Take it easy, Ed. [Ed calms] Third: No more movies based on old tv shows.
 * Drummer: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that's right! But... wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?
 * Band leader: Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind!
 * [Cut to backstage]
 * Clifford: Well, You got to agree with them on that one!

 * Band leader: [still making fierce demands] ...demand number 49:  'Istanbul should be changed back to Constantinople'.
 * [The four rats pop up and sing their song again]
 * Rats: So take me back to Constantinople.
 * No, you can't go back to Constantinople.
 * Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
 * Why did Constantinople get the works?
 * That's nobody's business but the Turks! Hey!!
 * Band leader: All right, so it wasn't a real demand, I just wanted to hear that song again! Anyway, until our demands are met, we rule the airwaves! We will control the entertainment on this show! We will put on what we wanna see! Men, what do we wanna see? [they discuss it amongst themselves] You're kidding me! Sure? [the men agree] Right then, we choose to put on... The Dancing Grandmas!!

 * Statler: Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
 * Waldorf: What's that?
 * Statler: My pulse! [Both laugh]

 * [After five minutes, the demands have still not been met]
 * Band leader: Alright, it's been five minutes and I can see our demands aren't going to be met- Agnes, when I get home, I don't wanna hear you say 'I told you so!'. Now, to show you serious we are: Bring out the hostages! Heheheheh!
 * [Seymour and Pepe are being brought in, begging for mercy"]
 * Band leader: So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot-capitalistic entertainers? Let's hear you sing now."
 * Seymour and Pepe: "Okay."
 * [Seymour and pepe perform their song for the second time ever on the air]
 * Pepe: Heheheh!
 * Seymour: I'm Seymour.
 * Pepe: I'm Pepe.
 * Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.
 * Pepe: We're about to be sacrificed,
 * Seymour: and I've got a big behind?
 * Pepe: [to the lobsters] If we only had a little more time to prepare, okay. [Seymour agrees]
 * Band leader: Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!

 * 007: [Infiltrating the CLA] The name's Prawn, James Prawn!

 * 007: Don't you think you're being a little...shellfish?
 * Band Leader: I am a little shellfish! Oh, I get it, it's a pun! Wait a second...crustaceans don't make puns!
 * Band Member: Yeah, you're no prawn!
 * Band Leader: Get him boys!
 * 0007: Ok, your time's up! This is it! [hits the Band Leader with the 'Deadly Alarm Clock] You have really ticked me off now!

Coolio and Don Rickles [1.5]

 * Cheerleaders: [Cheering] Grouper, grouper, give a shout, he's the guy that buys you out Goooo Grouper.
 * Kermit the Frog: Excuse me, but who are you?
 * Cheerleaders: We're the corporate majorettes. [One bimbo punches Kermit in the face]
 * Kermit the Frog: What did you do that for?
 * Bimbo: This is a hostile make-over.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: [Entering] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That is take-over, you bubblehead! Now get back to the limo. I don't know why I made them senior executive vice-presidents.
 * Clifford and Kermit: Woof!!
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Ah, now I remember.

 * Kermit the Frog: Excuse me, but what are you doing to my office?
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: It's not your office anymore. Now that I'm in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.
 * Kermit the Frog: Er, my name is Kermit.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: That's one of the changes, from now on you are Virgil the Monkey.

 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: [upon seeing the Two Homies of Verona] This is trash. There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all!''
 * Kermit the Frog: That's not very nice.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, this is not very nice: Beavis, intimidate them!

 * Kermit the Frog: Hello everyone, Kermit the Fr... [Ernst Stavros Grouper coughs] Virgil the Monkey here.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Make the noise
 * Kermit the Frog: Ee, ee, ee, oo, oo, oo. O.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: I love this little monkey.
 * Kermit the Frog: Anyway: I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Now, as your new owner I would like to get to know each of you by name: Who are you?
 * Rizzo the Rat: Well, I'm Rizzo the Rat
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Not anymore, now you're Alfred the Worm!
 * Rizzo the Rat: What the...?
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: And you: Who are you?
 * Bobo the Bear: Err, I'm Bobo the Bear.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Not anymore, now... you're... Whitley Nibbles the Television Elf.
 * Bobo the Bear: Alright.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: And, er, let's see, who, who are you?
 * Bill the Bubbleguy: Well, I'm, err,... Bob, and, Err,... raisins come out of my Ears.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, you are Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.
 * Bill the Bubbleguy: It worked! YES!
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Now, now, now. There will be a few more changes. Number One: Yellow will be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two: I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.
 * Rizzo the Rat: Number three.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Very good, Alfred, my obsiquious little worm.

 * Kermit the Frog: Err, Mr. Grouper?
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes, my little funky monkey.
 * Kermit the Frog: I am a frog, I am not a monkey.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes, and the Elephant Man is a human being, what else is new?
 * Kermit the Frog: Well, I tell you what's new. Just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: What are you saying Virgil?!
 * Kermit the Frog: I tell you what I'm saying: if the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are, then I quit, Grouper, I quit, quit, quit!
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: [sweet] Virgil, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey, you cannot quit.
 * Kermit the Frog: Why is that?
 * Ernst Stavros Grouper: BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!! Muhahahaha!

Dennis Quaid [1.7]

 * [Clifford is depressed because Dennis Quaid is good at everything]
 * Bobo the Bear: [to Clifford] Oh, oh, oh, well: Dennis Quaid is doing great! Yeah yeah, you know: you guys really ought to do this show together, you know, well, we can call it the, er, the Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour Featuring Dennis Quaid! Huhhuh, haa!

Daryl Hannah [1.12]

 * Sal Minella: Hey, Johnny, I just met this girl at the studio next door, and we're going out tonight! And get this, get this: she's got a sister!
 * Johnny Fiama: No, no Sal, forget it. No, no, no! I've been on your monkey double dates before, and they spend the entire evening trying to pick bugs outta my hair.
 * Sal Minella: Oh, come on, come on, Johnny, just meet them.
 * Johnny Fiama: No, absofalutely not.

 * [The Real World Muppets]
 * Darci: [singing to Clifford] I hate men, I hate men, all men should die, death to al men, [to Rizzo the Rat] I hate rats too. [not singing] So what'ya think?
 * Rizzo the Rat: [confessional] Mmmm. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. she threatened to read us her poetry!
 * Darci: [singing to Bobo the Bear] Bears are killers, killers of sheep, killers of Bambi, bears should all die. Kill them, kill them. [not singing] So, what'ya think?
 * Bobo the Bear: Er, it's a little, little, little one-sided.
 * Darci: So, is it because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my opinions?
 * Bobo the Bear: Oh, oh, no, no, we, er, it's, er, it's easy to dance to.
 * Darci: So, that's more like it.
 * Bobo the Bear: Oh, good, Well, Will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?
 * [...]
 * Darci: ...we worked it out. Like all good roommates we came to a compromise.
 * Clifford, Bobo and Rizzo: [singing to Darci] We hate angry women, who write songs, who hate men,
 * Rizzo the Rat: One, two!
 * Clifford, Bobo and Rizzo: and who were raised by wolves.

 * Johnny Fiama: That's it, Ma! That's it! I've had enough to hear! That's the last straw! And you know what?! You're in denial! Not me! And I'm moving out of this house!
 * Mama Fiama: Wait, Johnny! Is something wrong?
 * Johnny Fiama: You're crazy! That's what's wrong! And I'm never coming back, Ma! Never coming back!
 * Mama Fiama: No! Wait! Wait, Johnny! My Johnny!
 * Johnny Fiama: And you know what else?! A great walkaway!!

Statler and Waldorf

 * [Watching Bay of Pigswatch]
 * Waldorf: Nurse, there's something wrong with this TV!
 * Statler: What's that?
 * Waldorf: It's on!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Miss Piggy and Michelle fight]
 * Statler: I told you this show was a bomb! [A cannonball fires onto their nurse] What was that?
 * Waldorf: I think our medication just kicked in!
 * [They laugh]
 * Statler: Nurse, I'll have some of that!
 * [They laugh some more]

 * [Watching a Shakespeare act go awry]
 * Statler: Shakespeare would've hated that.
 * Waldorf: You should know. You've dated his sister!
 * [They laugh]
 * Statler: Boy, was she ugly.

 * [Watching Garth Brooks perform If I Were a Rich Man]
 * Statler: What would you do if you were a rich man?
 * Waldorf: I'd buy the network and cancel this show!
 * [They laugh]

 * Statler: There's a lot to be said for this program.
 * Waldorf: Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching a City Slickers parody]
 * Statler: That bit was breathtaking.
 * Waldorf: Careful! You may not have too many left!
 * [They laugh]
 * Statler: Nurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
 * (A nurse comes in with a bomb and blows up Statler]
 * Waldorf: I'll just have a glass of warm milk.

 * [Watching Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible Discoveries]
 * Statler: Hey, I've got an incredible discovery.
 * Waldorf: What's that?
 * Statler: When you watch this show...
 * Both: It hurts!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching The Lunarmooners]
 * Statler: Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
 * Waldorf: Nothing like it on this show!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Clifford is introducing the show]
 * Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
 * [Cut to Statler and Waldorf]
 * Statler and Waldorf: Where's the remote?!

 * [Watching a group of rats and cheese performing]
 * Waldorf: You know, they're calling this show a runaway hit.
 * Statler: Yeah. Whenever it comes on, you'd wanna run away!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Kermit and Tony Bennett perform Firefly]
 * Statler: What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
 * Waldorf: "I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
 * Statler: Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Finishing watching Tony Benett and Johnny Fiama perform)
 * Waldorf: Thank goodness the show's almost over.
 * Statler: So, what happened to that blue freak on the missile?
 * [Gonzo suddenly flies in on a rocket]
 * Waldorf: Whoa! Is he alright?
 * Statler: I don't know. I'll check his bolts.
 * Waldorf: If he's got one, I'll split it with you.
 * [They laugh. Gonzo gets back up]
 * Gonzo: [Dizzy] Did I clear the chickens?
 * [He falls to the ground again. Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh]

 * [Watching Seinfield Babies]
 * Statler: You know, this show really improves with age.
 * Waldorf: Why? Because the jokes get better?
 * Statler: No, because my hearing gets worse!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching the Muppets run past them in front of the TV]
 * Statler: What the...?
 * Waldorf: How come that never happens when we're watching The Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Animal perform]
 * Statler: This show's off to a fast start.
 * Waldorf: Good. Maybe it'll end quicker!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Miss Piggy and Jason Alexander perform]
 * Statler: That last number was a real showstopper.
 * Waldorf: Too bad it didn't stop this show!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching the end of the show]
 * Statler: That was a great program! I would've only changed one thing.
 * Waldorf: What's that?
 * Statler: The channel!
 * [They laugh]

 * [The show is on a big screen in a building in Times Square, New York. Statler and Waldorf, who are walking by, see the screen]
 * Statler: Hey! Waldorf, look at that! The show is ten times as big!
 * Waldorf: Yeah. Too bad it's one tenth as funny!
 * [They laugh]
 * Statler: Let's see what else is on. Hand me that remote.
 * [Waldorf brings out a remote so large that it is too heavy for them to lift]
 * Waldorf: Hey, it's big.
 * Statler: Hey! Careful!
 * [The remote falls on top of them]

 * [Watching a black-and white skit at an outdoor café. Behind them, two girls walk to them]
 * Statler: Do you know what's sad?
 * Waldorf: What's that?
 * Statler: I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch this dumb show.
 * Waldorf: Neither can I.
 * Girl #1: Hi, guys. Mind if we join you?
 * Statler and Waldorf: I just thought of something!
 * [They throw the portable TV away and offer the girls to their seats]
 * Waldorf: Here, sit down.
 * Statler: Yes, please.
 * Waldorf: Make yourself comfortable.
 * Statler: Look how nice you look today.

 * [Watching Lash Holstein: Space Cowdet at the outdoor café]
 * Statler: Boy, that show was BAD!
 * Waldorf: I wonder whatever happened to those cows.
 * Waiter: Here are your steaks. [He puts plates of steaks on the table]''
 * Statler: No! It couldn't be!
 * Waldorf: Why not?
 * Statler: Because these are well done!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Clifford is introducing the show]
 * Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
 * [Cut to Statler and Waldorf, where their TV is getting repossessed]
 * Waldorf: Get that thing out of there now!
 * [The repo men take the TV away]
 * Statler and Waldorf: Yay!

 * [The repo men return with the TV]
 * Statler: Hey! Why are you bringing that TV back?
 * Repo men: It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes.
 * Waldorf: We won?
 * Statler: No. We lost!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching the Dancing Grandmas]
 * Statler: Whoo-whoo! Look at her shake that thing!
 * Waldorf: What thing is that?
 * Statler: I don't remember.
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Andy and Randy Pig fight Pierce Brosnan]
 * Statler: I guess you got to take the good with the bad.
 * Waldorf: Yeah, but I'm so waiting for the good.
 * [They laugh]

 * [Still watching the Dancing Grandmas]
 * Statler: Boy, watching these grandmas has made me feel something I haven't felt in years.
 * Waldorf: What's that?
 * Statler: My pulse!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching a movie trailer at a bar]
 * Statler: Hm, I'd give that movie four stars.
 * Waldorf: Why is that?
 * Statler: Because the two that are in it now stink! [They laugh] Hey, bartender! More pigs knuckles.
 * Pig bartender: Okay, coming right up.
 * [He punches Statler in the face]
 * Waldorf: Uh, I'll just have the pickled egg.
 * Pig bartender: All right.
 * [He brings out an egg with a face]
 * Egg: I love you, two old guys!
 * [He falls down to the ground]
 * Statler: Poor guy cracked up!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching the show struggle without Kermit at the bar]
 * Statler: Now I've seen everything.
 * Waldorf: Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?
 * [They laugh. Statler sees Kermit, who is now a bartender]
 * Statler: Hey, bartender! Didn't you used to be...?
 * Kermit: Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know?
 * Waldorf: Not if he's smart, he doesn't.
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching An Editorial Message from Sam the Eagle]
 * Statler: What did you think of that sketch?
 * Waldorf: Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two-by-four.
 * Statler: No, it wasn't!
 * Waldorf: Yeah, you're right. Hit me again!
 * [A nurse comes and hits Waldorf in the face with a stick. Statler laughs]

 * [Watching a robot Abraham Lincoln beating up Beaker]
 * Waldorf: Did you see that stiff, lifeless, robotic acting?
 * Statler: By Lincoln?
 * Waldorf: No, by the rest of the cast! [They laugh] Actually, I like Lincoln.
 * Statler: You should like him. You voted for him!
 * [They laugh again]

 * [Watching Gonzo's Dancing With Myself number on a portable TV on a golf car]
 * Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I think the TV's on the fritz. I'm seeing double Gonzos!
 * [Camera moves left to reveal Waldorf has Gonzo's head and face on his body]
 * Waldorf: Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching a Dragonheart screen test with Dennis Quaid on the portable TV on the golf car]
 * Statler: You know, when I watch this show, I find myself counting the minutes until it's over.
 * Waldorf: Really? How many are left?
 * Statler: Fore! [A golf ball hits Waldorf in the head. Statler laughs] I love that joke!

 * [Watching the opening at a spa and cafe]
 * Clifford: Due to a slight guest-star situation, Muppets Tonight has been pre-empted.
 * Statler and Waldorf: Yay!
 * Clifford: I'm not finished.
 * Statler and Waldorf: Oh!
 * Clifford: Until we get a new guest star.

 * [Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, Statler and Waldorf are relaxing near a large pool]
 * Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, Beaky, Kathy Ireland's first theory of guest-star attraction is flawed. We've been out in bikinis all day and nobody's paid any attention to us.
 * Statler: Maybe you should trade up to a one piece!
 * Waldorf: Yeah! Worked for us!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Gonzo and Rizzo, having just hosted a clip show called "The Best of Muppets Tonight", are about to leave when they see Statler and Waldorf with a TV camera]
 * Gonzo: What are you two doing here?
 * Statler: Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called, "The Worst of Muppets Tonight".
 * Rizzo: Really? What did you show?
 * Waldorf: The same thing you did!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Gonzo's Lowerpalooza Festival at a skiing chairlift]
 * Statler: This show's a lot like skiing.
 * Waldorf: How's that?
 * Statler: Cause it's going downhill fast!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching The Johnny Fiama Show at the skiing chairlift]
 * Statler: Boy, I'm sure glad we're up here.
 * Waldorf: Why is that?
 * Statler: Because after seeing that, I really need a lift!
 * [They laugh]
 * Waldorf: We're going to go out on that joke?
 * Statler: No, we're going out on this one! [Pushes Waldorf off of the chairlift, causing Waldorf to fall] That looks like fun.

 * ''[Watching Kermit and Miss Piggy tap-dance on TV on a cruise ship]
 * Statler: Um, I'm feeling a little nauseated.
 * Waldorf: Is it because of the motion of the boat?
 * Statler: No, it is because of the jokes on the show!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching The Real World: Muppets]
 * Statler: You know, this show reminds me of a 25-cent cigar.
 * Waldorf: Oh, yeah? Why is that?
 * Statler: Because it's cheap and it stinks!
 * [They laugh]

 * [Watching Bay of Pigswatch]
 * Waldorf: You know, this show reminds me of a glass of expensive brandy.
 * Statler: Why is that?
 * Waldorf: Because it's old and it makes my head hurt!
 * [They laugh]

Returning Muppets

 * Kevin Clash - Clifford
 * Steve Whitmire - Kermit the Frog
 * Dave Goelz - Beauregard
 * Bill Barretta - Behemoth
 * Dave Goelz - Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
 * Steve Whitmire - Beaker
 * Jerry Nelson - Dr. Julius Strangepork
 * The Elvises – A group of Muppets resembling Elvis Presley that star in "Great Moments in Elvis History"
 * Steve Whitmire - Eugene
 * Steve Whitmire - George the Janitor
 * Dave Goelz Gonzo the Great
 * Frank Oz - Fozzie Bear
 * Kevin Clash - J.P. Grosse
 * Frank Oz Miss Piggy
 * Kevin Clash - Mulch
 * Steve Whitmire - Rizzo the Rat
 * Bill Barretta - Rowlf the Dog
 * Frank Oz - Sam the Eagle
 * Jerry Nelson and Dave Goelz - Statler and Waldorf
 * John Henson Sweetums

New Muppets

 * Jerry Nelson - A. Ligator
 * Steve Whitmore and Dave Goelz) Andy and Randy Pig
 * Barbershop Cactus Quartet
 * Bill Barretta - Big Mean Carl
 * Dave Goelz - Bill the Bubble Guy
 * Bill Barretta - Bobo the Bear
 * Steve Whitmire - Captain Pighead
 * Kevin Clash - Craniac
 * Bill Barretta - Clueless Morgan
 * Bill Barretta - Cue Card Monster
 * Leslie Carrara-Rudolph - Darci
 * David Hasselhoff - David Hoggselhoff
 * Dave Goelz - Dr. Pain
 * Brain Henson assisted by Bill Barretta - Dr. Phil van Neuter
 * Bill Barretta - Ernst Stavros Grouper
 * Leslie Carrara-Rudolph - Floor Manager
 * Dave Goelz - Gary Cahuenga
 * Jerry Nelson - Head of the Network
 * Bill Barretta - Howard Tubman
 * Kevin Clash - Carter
 * Bill Barretta - Johnny Fiama
 * Jerry Nelson
 * Larry
 * Steve Whitmire - Mr Poodlepants
 * Muppets Tonight Writers
 * Brian Henson - Nigel
 * Bill Barretta - Pepé the King Prawn
 * Kevin Clash - Polly Lobster
 * Stephanie D'Abruzzo - Pokey
 * Brian Henson - Sal Minella
 * Brian Henson - Seymour
 * Bill Barretta - Snookie Blyer
 * Dave Goelz - Snorty
 * Leslie Carrara-Rudolph - Spamela Hamderson
 * Brian Henson - Thor
 * Bill Barretta - Zippity Zap

title: Muppets Tonight


text:
Carolyn Parrish

Carolyn Parrish (born Karolina Janozeski; October 3, 1946) is a Canadian politician who has served as the mayor of Mississauga since June 24, 2024. She was a member of the House of Commons from 1993 to 2006 representing ridings in Mississauga, Ontario; initially as a Liberal Party MP, and then as an independent MP from 2004 to 2006.

Quotes

 * Damn Americans... I hate those bastards.
 * Recorded by an active microphone towards the end of a press scrum, Parrish later claimed her remark referred to the administration of George W. Bush and not the American people overall.
 * As quoted in "MP apologizes for calling Americans 'bastards'" (27 February 2003), CBC News

 * Come hell or high water, there's no frigging way I'm going to let one ovary bring the government down.
 * As quoted in "Martin Liberals' fate rests with lone MP" (19 May 2005), The Globe and Mail.

Quotes about Parrish

 * As I sat and spoke with President Bush about his dream of launching a mission to Mars. And I thought to myself: Wouldn't continue [sic] great if we could get a Canadian on board? If a Canadian could be sent tens of millions of miles into the dark void of space. And as we all as a nation watch on television and together say aloud: "Bon voyage, Carolyn Parrish!"
 * Paul Martin joking at the 2004 Parliamentary Press Gallery dinner; quoted in "Wit and warmth highlight press gallery dinner" (24 October 2004), CTV News.

title: Carolyn Parrish