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Batman

Batman is a superhero appearing in American comic books published by DC Comics, created by artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger, and debuting in the 27th issue of Detective Comics on March 30, 1939. Batman is the alias of Bruce Wayne, a wealthy American playboy, philanthropist, and industrialist residing in Gotham City; crafting his crime fighting persona through a life time of intense and diverse training after swearing vengeance against criminals upon witnessing the murder of his parents Thomas and Martha as a child.
 * Batman in comics

 * Live action television, featuring and
 * Batman (1966–1968 TV series)
 * Batman (1966 film)

 * Animated television by Filmation
 * The Adventures of Batman (1968-1969)
 * The New Adventures of Batman (1977)

 * The films
 * Batman (1989)
 * Batman Returns (1992)

 * The films
 * Batman Forever (1995)
 * Batman & Robin (1997)

 * Animated television revival
 * Batman: The Animated Series (aka The Adventures of Batman and Robin) (1992–1995)
 * Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
 * Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero (1998)
 * The New Batman Adventures (1997–1999)
 * Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (2003)
 * Batman Beyond (1999–2001)
 * Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000)
 * Justice League (2001–2006)
 * The Batman (2004–2008)
 * The Batman vs. Dracula (2005)
 * Justice League: The New Frontier (2008)
 * Batman: Gotham Knight (2008)
 * Batman: The Brave and the Bold (2008-2011)
 * Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)
 * Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)
 * Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (2010)
 * Justice League: Doom (2012)
 * Beware the Batman (2013-2014)
 * Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox (2013)
 * Justice League: War (2014)
 * Son of Batman (2014)
 * Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)
 * JLA Adventures: Trapped in Time (2014)
 * Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (2015)
 * Batman vs. Robin (2015)
 * Justice League: Gods and Monsters (2015)
 * Batman: Bad Blood (2016)
 * Justice League vs. Teen Titans (2016)
 * Justice League Dark (2017)
 * The films
 * Batman Begins (2005)
 * The Dark Knight (2008)
 * The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

 * The Arkhamverse games
 * Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009)
 * Batman: Arkham City (2011)
 * Batman: Arkham Origins (2013)
 * Batman: Arkham Knight (2015)

 * DC Extended Universe
 * Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
 * Suicide Squad (2016)
 * Justice League (2017)

About

 * For this film, I had something to say about Bruce Wayne as a character, what his motivations are. That there’s something dark and wrong about what drives him. Batman is a super hero and he does good. But I think the Bruce Wayne part of the character’s motivation is slightly twisted. Bruce’s motivations don’t come from a good place. He’s angry and, in that revenge is really his goal, he’s a dishonest character. That’s why he has to wear a mask. He’s doing good, but he’s not doing all the right things for all the right reasons.
 * , "Interview Brian Azzarello on Batman Gotham Knight", Major Spoilers, (05/09/2008).

 * Batman is his hidden, demonic rage-filled side. The creature Batman creates is an absolutely sincere creature and one that he has to control but does so in a very haphazard way. He's capable of enacting violence – and to kill – so he's constantly having to rein himself in.
 * Christian Bale in "Bale on Batman", by Angela Dawson, The Arizona Republic, (10 June 2005; retrieved 16 May 2006).

 * With all of this stunning technology, questions remain. Do Batman's gadgets and vehicles have any connection to the real world? Do grapnel guns, body armor, and rocket-booster cars really exist? You bet-and the real-world connections stretch further than you've ever imagined. From wingsuits to stealth fighters jets to police duty belts, real-life connections abound. Batman may fight evil in a fictional world, but much of his gear is rooted in reality.
 * Agnieszka Biskup, Tammy Enz, “Batman Science: The Real-world Science Behind Batman's Gear”, (2014), p. 5.

 * He remembered a story from his time as Batman. One day he was filming and about to take off the Batsuit when Warren Buffett and his grandkids came by. They wanted to see Batman, so Kilmer stuck around in the suit, but they didn’t want to talk to him. They wanted to try on the mask and ride in the Batmobile. He understood then that Batman isn’t meant to be a real guy. Batman is meant to be so anonymous that the person who is looking at him can see himself in him. “That’s why it’s so easy to have five or six Batmans,” he says now. “It’s not about Batman. There is no Batman.” And so what kind of thing is that to play, a person whose job is to be as nonspecific as possible. He looked good in the Batsuit, but wearing it was torture. When he took it off, he was finally free.
 * Taffy Brodesser-Akne quoting Val Kilmer in "What Happened to Val Kilmer?", New York Times, (May 6, 2020)

 * Is Batman gay? Well, no: Batman, after 73 years of publication, with appearances on TV, in video games, movies and comics, can never be tied down to any one identity. Batman has been a ridiculous boy-scout, a fearsome vigilante, a protective father, a loner, a clown. Batman is a myth and a mosaic, an icon who catches the light at different angles at different times, and takes multiple forms. But gayness – from high camp to intense homoeroticism – is an important aspect of that icon. This reading is nothing new. Media scholar Andy Medhurst outlined it in an important 1991 article, Batman, Deviance and Camp. In the 60s, George Melly remarked of the Adam West TV show: "We all knew Robin and Batman were pouves." And in the 50s, young boys supposedly confessed to psychiatrist Fredric Wertham that they fantasied about sharing a bedroom with Batman. Whenever that interpretation raises its head, it meets resistance. In the 50s, the accusations that Bruce and Dick "Robin" Grayson represented "a wish-dream of two homosexuals living together" went to a Senate subcommittee hearing, and the comic-book editors responded by bringing in Batgirl and Batwoman, double-dates for the dynamic duo. In the late 60s, DC Comics commissioned a new team to rebrand Batman with hard-boiled, street-level stories intended to wipe out the memory of Adam West's TV show.
 * Will Brooker, "Batman Can't Come Out as Gay – His Character Relies on Him Being in Denial", The Guardian, (28 May, 2012).

 * I don't think she wanted to be saved, sir. Vengeance blackens the soul, Bruce. I always feared you would become that which you fought against. You walk the edge of that abyss every night, but you haven't fallen in and I thank heaven for that. But Andrea fell into that pit years ago, and no one, not even you, could've pulled her back.
 * Alfred Pennyworth as interpreted by Efrem Zimbalist Jr. in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm; written by Alan Burnett, Paul Dini, Martin Pasko, and Michael Reaves; (1993)

 * I think the reason he’s so iconic, is because of all the superheroes he’s the only one who has no superpowers at all. He’s just an ordinary person, but what he has is a super amount of passion. And a super sense of right and wrong, morality, and so he’s just an average guy – with a billion dollars – how transforms himself into this champion of pure good, there’s nothing in it for him, he gets nothing out of this except the knowledge that he’s healing the world. And its all because of what happened to him as a child, avenging what happened to, the murder of his parents, and his being left as an orphan. And he spends his life, instead of allowing life. You know life, I often say life throws nothing but curve balls, no matter what you do to prepare for life, its going to throw a curve ball, you’re going to constantly be switching from this to that and if you let it, it can make you bitter, it can make you angry, it can make you hostile. Bruce Wayne doesn’t allow that to happen. Life throws him this huge curve ball as a child, and he takes it and he turns it into something good, and that’s why audiences love him so much. People relate to him because every-one has had dark nights of the soul, we all do, people with the most charmed lives have had dark periods. So everyone relates to the darkness that Bruce Wayne goes through, and what they admire about him is his ability to overcome it, and to turn it into something good. And I think that makes him the most incredible character for me, to play, and for audiences to enjoy.
 * Kevin Conroy in “I Am The Night: An Interview With Kevin Conroy”, by Sarah Miles,“Talking Comicbooks.com”, (June 3, 2018)

 * O'Neil's interpretation of Batman as a vengeful obsessive-compulsive, which he modestly describes as a return to the roots, was actually an act of creative imagination that has influenced every subsequent version of the Dark Knight.
 * Les Daniels (1995). "Revamping the Classics The Old Guard Gets a New Look". DC Comics: Sixty Years of the World's Favorite Comic Book Heroes. New York, New York: Bulfinch Press. p. 157.

 * : "Batman's rich history allows him to be interpreted in a multitude of ways. To be sure, this is a lighter incarnation, but is certainly no less valid and true to the character's roots then the tortured avenger, crying out for mommy and daddy." And besides, those Easter bunnies looked really scary, right?
 * , "Legends of the Dark Mite!", Batman: The Brave and the Bold, (May 29, 2009).

 * I've always preferred Batman to Superman because Batman's stunts are at least theoretically possible. When he swings from the Playboy Building to the John Hancock Center, he uses a rope. Meanwhile, Superman is holding up toppling skyscrapers and stopping bullets with his teeth.
 * Roger Ebert, reviewing the film "Darker Than Amber" RoberEbert.com, (1971).

 * Bob Kane...had an idea for a character called 'Batman', and he'd like me to see the drawings. I went over to Kane's, and he had drawn a character who looked very much like Superman with kind of ... reddish tights, I believe, with boots ... no gloves, no gauntlets ... with a small domino mask, swinging on a rope. He had two stiff wings that were sticking out, looking like bat wings. And under it was a big sign ... BATMAN.
 * Bill Finger as quoted in Steranko, Jim (1970). The Steranko History of Comics. Reading, Pennsylvania: Supergraphics. p. 44. ISBN 0-517-50188-0.
 * Bruce Wayne's first name came from Robert Bruce, the Scottish patriot. Wayne, being a playboy, was a man of gentry. I searched for a name that would suggest colonialism. I tried Adams, Hancock ... then I thought of Mad Anthony Wayne.
 * Bill Finger as quoted by Kane, Bob; Tom Andrae (1989). Batman & Me. Forestville, California: Eclipse Books. p. 44. ISBN 1-56060-017-9.
 * I knew many homosexuals but I certainly didn’t think of Batman in those terms. I thought of it in terms of … Frank Merriwell and Dick Merriwell, his half-brother, who was the kid he was taking care of. … In America we always talk about the Western hero and the pioneer kind of man—the Davy Crockett types—as being loners. They’re never really. They always have a sidekick. … Certainly there’s no homosexual relationship. It’s just part of the American syndrome. … It was just that the author realized that you’ve gotta have somebody to talk to. Sherlock Holmes had Watson—were they homosexuals? Baloney. You just can’t have your hero walking around thinking aloud all the time. He’d be ready for the men in white coats after a time. So we created a junior Watson and that’s all [Robin] was.
 * Bill Finger "Batman and Robin Gay Bill Finger Said", (1972).
 * Robin was an outgrowth of a conversation I had with Bob. As I said, Batman was a combination of Douglas Fairbanks and Sherlock Holmes. Holmes had his Watson. The thing that bothered me was that Batman didn't have anyone to talk to, and it got a little tiresome always having him thinking. I found that as I went along Batman needed a Watson to talk to. That's how Robin came to be. Bob called me over and said he was going to put a boy in the strip to identify with Batman. I thought it was a great idea.
 * Bill Finger; Steranko, Jim (1970). The Steranko History of Comics. Reading, Pennsylvania: Supergraphics. p. 44. ISBN 0-517-50188-0.

 * More important than this, however, is the idea that Batman is not just a guy in a suit, but a symbol and there are people in the film most notably The Joker who want to destroy that symbol. While Batman's identity remains secret and his motives unknown to Gothamites, he represents hope in a city that has little to spare and embodies a pursuit of justice and further, a code of behavior that quite literally threatens these criminals' way of life. By throwing Gotham into chaos and testing the limits to which Batman holds himself, The Joker is not merely plying death and destruction but willfully destroying the philosophical foundations of organized society. The closest such examination another comic book-oriented film has ever attempted was the emotional throughline of the Spider-Man films. Peter Parker's struggle was almost exclusively personal, whereas Wayne not only has to find a way to maintain his moral compass, but consider what the repercussions of his heroism are to both the public and the criminals themselves.
 * Todd Gilchrist, The Dark Knight", IGN, 30 JUN 2008.

 * I think Batman is a pretty universal character. I remember him as a child. But I think Christian [Bale] did the best I’ve seen so far, because of that tortured background of loss. The original Batman, they’re not much remembered as a Batman character – they were not used for training [chuckles]. You had to really – there was a darkness and a damagedness about his character that I think they got right with Christian Bale. Especially in the last two. But that doesn’t have anything to do with Ben Affleck. I think he’s willing to take risks. He seems to be.
 * Michael Ironside in “TR Interview: Michael Ironside on Extraterrestrial, Batman, Dune, The Omega Code and More”, by Luke Y. Thompson, Topless Robot, (November 21, 2014)

 * I made Batman a superhero-vigilante when I first created him. Bill turned him into a scientific detective.
 * Bob Kane; Tom Andrae (1989). Batman & Me. Forestville, California: Eclipse Books. p. 44. ISBN 1-56060-017-9.

 * I wanted to see and to show that transition when he goes from Bruce Wayne to Batman, the time when he's about to don the suit and go out and wreak some havoc. That's not a casual thing, obviously, it's not putting on a jacket to go out for the evening. So what is that transition like? So there was a thing we did early on that showed him going into a sort of trance and it justified this shift in him.
 * Michael Keaton in [herocomplex.latimes.com/2011/05/12/michael-keatons-dark-memories-of-batman-and-shining-love-for-beetlejuice/ "Michael Keaton's Dark Memories of Batman and Shining Love for Beetlejuice"], by Geoff Boucher, LA Times, (2011/05/12).

 * This chapter offers a gay reading of Batman. It presents three reasons why Batman is especially interesting to gay audiences. Firstly, he was one of the first fictional characters to be attacked on the grounds of presumed homosexuality, by Fredric Wertham in his book Seduction of the Innocent. Secondly, the TV series from the 1960s was and remains a touchstone of camp. Thirdly, as a recurring hero figure for the last fifty years, Batman merits analysis as a notably successful construction of masculinity.
 * Andy Medhurst, The Superhero Reader, Charles Hatfield (ed.), “Batman, Deviance and Camp”, (June 2013)

 * Q: One of the things that led you to create Dark Knight Returns was a series of muggings. What happened?
 * Frank Miller: There's something demeaning about the first time you're knocked to the ground and punched in the stomach and have a gun waved in your face and realize that you're completely at somebody's mercy. And they can take your life. And at that point, you'll do anything. There's something so humiliating about that. And to me that made me realize that Batman was the most potent symbol DC had in its hands. Sure, Superman can fly, but Batman turns me back into that guy who is scared and at the same time the guy who can come and save him. It's a perfect myth.
 * Frank Miller in “A Rare Interview With Frank Miller: 'Dark Knight,' the Unmade Darren Aronofsky Batman Movie, and Donald Trump“ by Borys Kit,Hollywood Reporter, (March, 03, 2016).

 * I am sure there is probably a very good reason for the hundreds of thousands of adults who are flocking to see the latest adventures of Batman, but I for one am a little in the dark for what that reason is.
 * Alan Moore in “Alan Moore confirms he is retiring from creating comic books”, by Sian Cain, The Guardian, (Thu 8 Sep 2016 17.35 EDT Last modified on Fri 19 Jul 2019)

 * He’s a rich man who beats up poor people. It’s quite a bizarre mission to go out at night dressed as a bat and punch the hell out of junkies. And then he goes home and lives in this mansion. There’s an aspirational quality to him—he’s an outlaw and he can buy anything. He has a new Batmobile every movie. He’s very plutonian in the sense that he’s wealthy and also in the sense that he’s sexually deviant. Gayness is built into Batman. I’m not using gay in the pejorative sense, but Batman is very, very gay. There’s just no denying it. Obviously as a fictional character he’s intended to be heterosexual, but the basis of the whole concept is utterly gay. I think that’s why people like it. All these women fancy him and they all wear fetish clothes and jump around rooftops to get to him. He doesn’t care—he’s more interested in hanging out with the old guy and the kid.
 * Grant Morrison, Playboy Magazine, quoted in "Grant Morrison: ‘Batman Is Very, Very Gay’", Andy Hunsaker, Crave Online, (Apr 26th, 2012).

 * Creatively, it was ninety-eight percent Bill and one percent Bob, and the rest is in the ether. We don’t know. It was so much more Bill from the get-go, creatively. Bob Kane had financial advice that served him well. But as far as the major elements of Batman, the example I like to give – it’s probably even in the film, because I say it so much – if you just stop a random grandmother on the street and say, ‘Name something you know about Batman,’ first of all, she’ll know something. Everybody knows something. And whatever that person says will be a Bill Finger contribution. He was that pervasive in the creation of Batman.
 * Marc Tyler Nobleman, Hulu documentary “BATMAN AND BILL” – Interview with the Creators, Abbie Bernstein, Buzzy Mag, (July 13, 2017).

 * I don't like his other work; I think its shallow and badly written. I mean, I've got kids who like superheroes, and they think the Batman films are boring and pretentious. They like things like The Avengers and Iron Man because they're fun.
 * interview in Skript; as quoted in 'Prestige' Author Slams Christopher Nolan's 'Dark Knight' Trilogy As "Shallow" And "Badly Written", by Abid Rahman, Hollywood Reporter, (11/28/2014).

 * It's a wrong move to take a superhero and give it psychological realism. There is no psychological realism. He's a bodybuilder who jumps off buildings. I'm sorry I feel really strongly about this.
 * interview in Skript; as quoted in 'Prestige' Author Slams Christopher Nolan's 'Dark Knight' Trilogy As "Shallow" And "Badly Written", by Abid Rahman, Hollywood Reporter, (11/28/2014).

 * As Kane tells it, the pre-teen Bruce is out at night (circa 1924) with his parents when an armed mugger kills both of them. The orphaned lad, his hands clasped in prayer, his bedroom illuminated by a single candle, swears 'to avenge their deaths by spending the rest of my life warring on all criminals'. He 'becomes a master scientist' and 'trains his body to physical perfection' and, because 'criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot', chooses to become 'a creature of the night, black, terrible... a bat... the Batman'. From these two garishly printed pages, Nolan and Goyer have fashioned a whole movie.
 * , "Batman Begins", Austin Chronicle, (JUNE 17, 2005).

 * All superheroes are black sheep. But the Dark Knight has always been murkier than most. His superpowers are not an accident of birth, or of stumbling into the wrong lab at the wrong time. They're not powers at all, simply a simulation made possible by good fortune and the leisure that accompanies it. Bruce Wayne can splurge on the kit and cars to set himself up as a crime-fighting Christ substitute, plus power and glitter enough to hide his hobby. He's always been a curious idol: within aspiration because he's flesh and blood; beyond it because he's the lucky recipient of inherited wealth. So it should be no surprise that The Dark Knight Rises so firmly upholds the financial status quo. Christopher Nolan's film indulges in much guttural talk of the gap between the 99% and the 1%, but it is the former who are demonised, whose revolting actions require curbing and mutinous squeals muting. Your average Joe, it turns out, requires a benevolent, bad-ass billionaire to set him straight, to knock him sideways, if necessary.
 * Catherine Shoard, "Dark Knight Rises: fancy a capitalist caped crusader as your superhero?", The Guardian, (July 17, 2012).

 * Superman: Next time they shine your light in the sky, don't go to it. The Bat is dead. Bury it. Consider this mercy.
 * Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

 * So we need a Batman and something that has been bouncing around in the back of my head, for decades probably, is a quote from Bob Kane. I remember reading where he said Batman is half Dracula and half Zorro, and that’s part of the appeal of Batman. That he’s dark and spooky-looking, and he’s got that badass costume and the bat imagery. So I always wanted to go all the way with it and actually make him a vampire. One episode of Batman: The Animated Series, back in the day twenty years ago, we actually wanted to turn Batman temporarily into a vampire but Fox Kids wasn't having any of that.
 * , "Den of Geek, Bruce Timm Interview Justice League Batman Harley Quin More", John Saavedra, Den of Geek, (June 8, 2015).

 * Playing Batman is an actor's challenge. First it's different; then, you have to reach a multi-level audience. The kids take it straight, but for adults, we have to project it further ... When Batman was a comic it wasn't camp, but the show is. When I got the part, I tried to remember Batman as I knew him when I was a kid - with emotional recall.
 * Adam West, "The Swinging Set, With Batman in his Beach Lair" by Sylvie Reice, Los Angeles Times, (Feb 13, 1966)

 * We're trying to create a folk hero ... when you play a legend, you have to play it with a straight direct line, direct speech and movement...Now Bruce, on the other hand, has to come across as the kindest, noblest, most charitable guy - again, "straight-line" - not Cary Grant charming - know what I mean?"
 * Adam West, "The Swinging Set, With Batman in his Beach Lair" by Sylvie Reice, Los Angeles Times, (Feb 13, 1966)

 * Human psychology has two basic reactions to images of darkness and horror: the first is to be horrified, as if we saw a monster; the second is to be curious what it would be like to horrify, as if we were the monster. For those of us who are not particular fans of stories told from the point of view of vampires, that curiosity can be made palatable if the horrific monster preys only on the guilty. Bats are creepy—but there are creeps in the world who deserve to be scared. For them, there is the Batman.
 * John C. Wright, "Heroes of Darkness and Light" in: Batman Unauthorized: Vigilantes, Jokers, and Heroes in Gotham City (2008) (excerpt).

“A Dark and Stormy Knight: Why Batman?” (Aug 12, 2012)
Travis Langley, “A Dark and Stormy Knight: Why Batman?”, Psychology Today, (Aug 12, 2012)
 * Looking at Superman psychologically means looking at modern mythology. He's the modern demigod myth. While there's something mythic about Batman too, to be sure, he's more akin to the mortal legends like Robin Hood and pulp heroes like Zorro and the Shadow, extraordinary men but men nonetheless.
 * Where Superman drew his might from the Earth's sun, Batman found his in a city's darkness. Jerry and Joe played with the bright and impossible. Bob Kane and Bill Finger, in creating Batman, expanded the meme by adding the coin's other side, the dark and improbably possible.
 * The Shadow archetype represents your own dark side, not necessarily your evil side but the part of you that is hidden, out of the light, the sum of those characteristics you conceal from both the world and yourself. Bruce Wayne confronts his own darkest nature early in life, chooses to work with it, and uses it to instill fear in others. His bright and dark sides work together to fight evil. From a Jungian perspective, therefore, Batman appeals to our own need to face and manage our own Shadow selves. We want Batman in our shadows.
 * Because Batman is fully human and because a horrible trauma leads him to wear a mask and wage his war on crime, we can contemplate real psychological issues that drive people to do extreme things. Psychologists can examine how well he does or does not fit the symptoms of a variety of disorders. Nobody thinks it's weird for Superman to apply his natural gifts to help the members of this human race in a manner that keeps him above it all. When a guy runs around dressed like a bat, we have to wonder: Why the mask, the bat, and the underage partner? Why does he really wear a costume to fight crime? Why are his most intimate relationships with "bad girls" he ought to lock up? And why won't he kill that homicidal clown?
 * "Bill and I discussed it," Kane recalled (Daniels, 1999, p. 31), "and we figured there's nothing more traumatic than having your parents murdered before your eyes." Losing one's parent or parents when old enough to know about it ranks as the single most stressful common life event children can experience (e.g., Monaghan, Robinson, & Dodge, 1979). Uncommon traumas like torture or terrorist attacks are not universal experiences, not things most of us can anticipate, but sooner or later we all learn that our parents can and will die.
 * Why don’t children fear this hero who dresses like a monster? Because he’s their monster. He’s ours. Even when children learn that magic will not save them nor will a hero in blue fly out of the sky, so they develop more realistic hopes, they can still hope that when they can't find the strength to stand up to life's bullies, someone who is strong and capable might do the right thing and help. In Batman, they see the wounded boy who makes himself big and strong enough to turn fear against the fearsome. With both brain and brawn, he’s the part of us that wants to scare life’s bullies away.

Dialogue

 * Lord Batman: Think about it - a world where there's no crimes. No victims. No pain.
 * Batman: And no choice! Who elected you, anyway?
 * Lord Batman: Who elected you? The problem with democracy is, it doesn't keep you very safe.
 * Batman: It has other virtues. But you seem to have forgotten that.
 * Lord Batman: I didn't forget! I just chose peace and security instead.
 * Batman: You grabbed power!
 * Lord Batman: And with that power, we've made a world where no eight-year-old boy will ever lose his parents...because of some punk with a gun!
 * Batman: ...you win.
 * Stan Berkowitz, Justice League (TV series), "A Better World", (November 1, 2003)

 * Bruce Wayne: Commissioner. What can I do for you?
 * Jim Gordon: Drop the act. Ten minutes on Barbara's computer told me everything. Like a fool I allowed you to run wild on your private crusade. A psychotic misfit playing masked hero. Now I've paid for it with Barbara's life.
 * Bruce Wayne: Jim, believe me, I know how you feel.
 * Jim Gordon: You can't.
 * Bruce Wayne: You know how I lost my parents. The only way I could hold onto my own sanity was to take matters into my own hands.
 * , "Over the Edge", The New Batman Adventures, (May 23, 1998)

 * Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape.
 * Paul Dini, Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, (2000)

 * Superman: Do I look like Batman to you?
 * The Flash: Actually, you kind of do. Especially when you're all scowly like that.
 * , "Flashpoint", Justice League Unlimited, (July 2, 2005)

 * Wonder Woman: Circumstances asides, it was kind of... enjoyable being a kid again.
 * Batman: I haven't been a kid since I was eight years old.
 * , "Kid's Stuff", Justice League Unlimited, (August 14, 2004)

 * Carmine Falcone: You're taller than you look in the tabloids, Mr. Wayne. No gun? I'm insulted. You could've just sent a thank-you note.
 * Bruce Wayne: I didn't come here to thank you. I came here to show you that not everyone in Gotham's afraid of you.
 * Carmine Falcone: Only those who know me, kid. Take a look around you. You'll see two city councilmen, a union official, a couple of off-duty cops, and a judge. Now I wouldn't have a second's hesitation in blowing your head off right here in front of them. That's power you can't buy! That's the power of fear.
 * Bruce Wayne: I'm not afraid of you.
 * Carmine Falcone: Because you think you got nothing to lose. But you haven't thought it through yet. You haven't thought about your lady friend, down at the DA's office. You haven't thought about your old butler. Bang! People from your world have so much to lose. Now, you think because your mommy and your daddy got shot, you know about the ugly side of life, but you don't. You've never tasted desperate. You're, uh, you're Bruce Wayne, the prince of Gotham. You'd have to go a thousand miles to meet someone who didn't know your name! So don't, don't come down here with your anger, trying to prove something to yourself. This is a world that you'll never understand. And you always fear what you don't understand.
 * Bruce Wayne as interpreted by Christian Bale and Carmine Falcone as interpreted by Tom Wilkinson; Batman Begins, (2005) written by Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer

 * Commissioner Gordon: I don't know who he is beneath that mask of his, but I know when we need him, and we need him now!
 * Lorenzo Semple Jr., "Hi Diddle Riddle", Batman, (January 12, 1966)

 * '''Miss Kitka: If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?
 * Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
 * Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!
 * Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.
 * Miss Kitka: Impossible?
 * Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.
 * Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.
 * Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.
 * Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.
 * Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...
 * Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
 * Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?
 * Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.
 * Robin: Support your police! That's our message!
 * Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.
 * Batman (1966), written by Lorenzo Semple Jr.

 * : Stop me if you've heard it before - you're eight years old. Your parents have just taken you to a rousing adventure film - a grand time is had by all. But unknown to you, a mysterious figure hides in the shadows. My plan was simple - the killer would leap out at you and kill your family. The trauma would put you on the path to becoming Batman. One problem - my assassin wouldn't pull the trigger. I argued with her, but deep down, I knew she was right. People say Batman's obsessive, that he'd do anything to achieve his goals - but he'd never resort to murder. So if I was to honor all he stood for, neither could I.
 * , Dwayne McDuffie, "Epilogue", Justice League Unlimited, (July 23, 2005)

In popular culture

 * Abed Nadir: I know I'm not Batman. You could try not being a jerk.
 * Tim Hobert and Jon Pollack, "Introduction to Statistics", Community, (October 29, 2009).

 * Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture: We were robbed. No two ways about it.
 * Dean Venture: I don’t know, pop, they won fair and square. The Impossible family made a really convincing Fantastic Four.
 * Dr. Venture: Don’t make excuses for your brother, Dean. He blew it for all of us. Henry Alan Venture! Are you hearing this? What do you have to say for yourself?
 * Hank Venture: (in a low voice) I am the Bat.
 * Dr. Venture: Yes, yes, you’re “The Bat”! And the Bat is the reason we didn’t win best costume, mister, again! Last year it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and “The Bat”!. Oh and how about the time we were the hard rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and the Bat?!
 * Hank: The night is mine.
 * Dr. Venture: Sell it somewhere else, Hank. It’s not me you should be apologizing to. Poor Brock spent a month sewing his group theme appropriate costume.
 * Hank: That’s probably why he won best costume?
 * Dr. Venture: What is that, Sass I hear? (sarcastically) “Oh, look everybody! Hank’s back”!
 * Jackson Publick, “Love-Bheits”, The Venture Bros., (August 20, 2006).

 * Hank Venture: Wait! Dude! What about Batman? You call yourself a Batman fan? He would never kill anybody. Seriously, ask yourself- what would Batman do?
 * Jackson Publick & Doc Hammer; "The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together Part 1", The Venture Bros., (August 17, 2008).

title: Batman


text:
Batman Returns

Batman Returns is a 1992 American action comic book film that pits the Batman against the Penguin and Catwoman, both of whom have their own agendas and a past to resolve.
 * Directed by Tim Burton. Written by Daniel Waters

'''The Bat. The Cat. The Penguin.'''taglines

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot

 * [to Max Shreck, after kidnapping him] Hi. I believe the word you're looking for is "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably... dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
 * [to Shreck] Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common: we're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am, to date, not!
 * [to Shreck] I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from... [indicates to a broken skylight, then turns to Max] Like you. And like you, I want some respect. A recognition of my basic humanity. But most of all...I wanna find out who I am. By finding my parents, learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
 * [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless as a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
 * [after Catwoman rejects him] Ya lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals! And I don't think I like you anymore! [catches her neck in his helicopter umbrella and sends her flying] Goodbye, my unintended. Go to Heaven.
 * [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal, with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!! [the penguins start deploying]
 * They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm laying 'em on a slab!
 * [fighting Batman] You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!

Catwoman/Selina Kyle

 * I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.
 * [after saving a woman from a mugger] You make it so easy, always waiting for some Batman to save you. I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
 * [falls into the back of a dump truck filled with gravel.] Saved by kitty litter... [looks at the burn mark left by Batman] Bastard.
 * [to Penguin, rejecting his advances] I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
 * [when she and Bruce Wayne realize each other's secret identities] Oh my God...does this mean we have to start fighting?

Dialogue

 * [One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking as he and Shreck start talking about what they can do together]
 * Penguin: Ah, what have we here?... [takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out that dissolves a slab of stone] A batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back! [sets aside flask]
 * Max: That could've come from anywhere.
 * Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
 * Max: If there were such documents, and that's not an admission, I would have seen to it they were shredded.
 * Penguin: [grins] Good idea... [shows shredded papers stuck back together] A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
 * Max: Fred? Fred's actually...I believe he's on extended vacation. He's, uh, he's good.
 * Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"... [pulls out a severed hand, goes into scary voice] "Hiya, Max! Remember me?! I'm Fred's hand! Yeah, you wanna greet any other body parts?!" [normal] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
 * Max: You know what, Mr...Penguin...sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
 * Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck. [shakes Max's hand with Fred's severed one and leaves Max holding it]

 * [Batman encounters the Penguin after fighting his gang]
 * Batman: Admiring your handiwork?
 * Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
 * Batman: You're not the mayor.
 * Penguin: Things change.
 * Batman: What do you want?
 * Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask! [laughs, then turns serious] You don't really think you'll win, do you?
 * Batman: Things change.
 * [Catwoman backflips out of a store towards them. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
 * Catwoman: Meow.
 * [The store explodes, and she slips away]
 * Penguin: [to Batman] I saw her first. Gotta fly! [activates his helicopter umbrella and rises away, waving cheerfully]

 * [After escaping from a botched rally, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
 * Penguin: My babies...did you miss me?
 * Red Triangle Thin Clown: Great speech, Oswald!
 * Penguin: [punches him aside with his umbrella] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!! CRANK THE A.C.!!! WHERE ARE MY LISTS?! BRING ME THE NAMES!!! [a henchman passes him some papers, which he gives to everyone] Ah! It's time...These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City, just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them: tonight, while their parents party, they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds. And WE WILL SNATCH THEM, CARRY THEM INTO THE SEWER, AND TOSS THEM INTO A DEEP, DARK WATERY GRAVE...!
 * Red Triangle Fat Clown: Erm...Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children...isn't that a little, uh...?
 * Penguin: [shoots clown with gun umbrella] No! It's a LOT "uh"! [kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river]

 * [Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume]
 * Max Shreck: Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.
 * Bruce Wayne: Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.
 * Shreck: I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?
 * Wayne: It does to me.
 * Shreck: Yawn.

 * [Penguin has crashed Max Shreck's Christmas ball]
 * Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I crashed! [laughs]
 * Gotham Mayor: What do you want?
 * Penguin: Right now, my troops are fanning out across town - for your children! [crowd gasps] Yes! For your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could dress up like jerks, get juiced, and dance...BADLY! I've personally come for Gotham's favorite son, Mr. Chip Shreck! You're coming with me, you great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
 * Max: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead!
 * Penguin: I don't. So no!
 * Max: I'm the one you want! Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
 * Penguin: Okay, you've got a point. I'll let the little prince live for now. [hits Chip and gestures to Max] Now, in the duck!

 * Max: [after being pulled out of the water by Catwoman] I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss. [she lashes her whip at him] Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string. [tries to run away, but she captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her]
 * Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
 * Max: My blood, I gave at the office.
 * Catwoman: A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
 * [Batman comes in]
 * Max: Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?
 * Catwoman: Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
 * [More exploding rockets and Batman comes flying into the scene]
 * Max: You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
 * Batman: [pushes him away] Shut up. You're going to jail.
 * Catwoman: [to Batman] Don't be naīve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
 * Batman: Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police...then, we can go home...together. Selina... [Max is shocked] don't you see? We're the same. We're the same...Split right down the center. [pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne] Selina, please.
 * Catwoman: [choked up] Bruce...I would - I would love to live with you in your castle...forever, just like in a fairy tale. [Batman caresses the back of her head, but she claws him on the cheek] I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!
 * Max: Selina? [Catwoman faces him and takes off her mask] Selina Kyle? [pointedly] You're fired! [to Batman] And Bruce. Why are you dressed up like Batman?
 * Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!
 * Max: [produces a gun] Was. [shoots Batman in the chest, knocking him down. Catwoman reacts to the shooting] Don't!
 * Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!
 * Max: [last words] One way to find out. [shoots Catwoman twice]
 * Catwoman: [pretends to die, but laughs] Four...five... [swings whip around, then cracks it loudly] Still alive! [the shocked Max shoots her twice again] Six...seven...all good girls go to heaven... [Max fires the gun again, but it is empty; laughs] Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. [Batman gets up] But in the meantime...How about a kiss, Santy Claus? [kisses Schreck in the lips with a stun gun in between them while holding a live power line]
 * [After an explosion, Batman clears away the debris to find Max dead and Selina gone. Penguin reaches for an umbrella, but the umbrella turns out to be a kiddie umbrella with stuffed animals]
 * The Penguin: [last words] Ugh! Shoot! [drops it] I picked the cute one! [gagging] The heat's getting to me... I'll murder you momentarily... but first, I need a cold drink of iced water... [gags, then falls and drops dead]
 * [Six emperor penguins waddle up to him and slide his body into the water]

 * [Last lines]
 * Alfred Pennyworth: [after Selina Kyle's apparent death] Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
 * Bruce Wayne: [sadly] Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men...and women.
 * [As they leave, the Bat-Signal appears in sky, which is then seen by Catwoman]

Taglines

 * The Bat. The Cat. The Penguin.

Cast

 * Michael Keaton - Batman/Bruce Wayne
 * Danny DeVito - The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
 * Michelle Pfeiffer - Catwoman/Selina Kyle
 * Christopher Walken - Max Shreck
 * Michael Gough - Alfred Pennyworth
 * Pat Hingle - Commissioner James Gordon
 * Michael Murphy - the Mayor
 * Vincent Schiavelli - the Organ Grinder
 * Andrew Bryniarski - Charles "Chip" Shreck
 * Cristi Conaway - the Ice Princess

About Batman Returns

 * I just have all these memories of her — letting a live bird fly out of her mouth and learning to use the whip and jumping around rooftop sets in high heels,” Burton said. “The work and just the performance were very, very impressive.
 * Tim Burton, Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman was purr-fection, LA Times, 13 August 2012
 * I think I upset McDonald’s. [They asked] ‘What’s that black stuff coming out of the Penguin’s mouth? We can’t sell Happy Meals with that!'
 * I think the studio just thought it was too weird — they wanted to go with something more child or family-friendly. In other words, they didn’t want me to do another one.
 * Tim Burton, 'I Think I Upset McDonald's With 'Batman Returns', The Inquisitr New, 25 December 2014
 * We got to be back home [filming in Burbank] so that made me happy. It was quite the cast with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito and everyone. It wasn’t as satisfying to me when I saw it, but maybe that’s because the bar was set so high on the first one. I think I only watched it one time. I knew we were in trouble in talks for the third one when certain people started the conversation with ‘Why does it have to be so dark?’ ‘Why does he have to be so depressed?’ ‘Shouldn’t there be more color in this thing?’ I knew I was headed for trouble and that it wasn’t a road I was going to go down.
 * Michael Keaton, Dark memories of ‘Batman’ and shining love for ‘Beetlejuice’, HeroComplex.latimes, 12 May 2011
 * Remember, I came in when the audience was disturbed by Danny DeVito as the Penguin, and then Michelle Pfeiffer — which was still fabulous and maybe a little too S&M for some people.
 * Joel Shumacher Talks 'Batman Forever' Legacy In Exclusive Interview, Forbes, 26 June 2015

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Batman Returns


text:
Ornette Coleman

Randolph Denard Ornette Coleman (March 19, 1930 - June 11, 2015) was an American jazz saxophonist and composer.

Quotes

 * I mostly like things that have causes more than effects, and this seemed to be a tune that is mostly effects. I don't get the cause clearly.
 * c. 1960, reviewing "Sounds of Nature" from ' for s "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 479.

 * I mostly like things that have causes more than effects, and this seemed to be a tune that is mostly effects. I don't get the cause clearly.
 * c. late 1950s, reviewing "Sounds of Nature" from ' for s "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 479.

 * Let's play the music and not the background!
 * As quoted in "Building New Jazz; Rhythm Mode" by Hollie I. West, in The Washington Post (February 14, 1971), p. N9.

 * I wasn't so interested in being paid. I wanted to be heard. That's why I'm broke.
 * Esquire, January 2010, p. 90

 * The only thing my mother would say about my music—I'd say, "Mom, listen to this," and she'd say, "Junior, I know who you are."
 * Esquire, January 2010, p. 90

About

 * When people like and John Lewis, whose musicianship I respect, back and support this so openly and fervently, I don't know what to think. I just can't figure it out. From the very first note it's miserably out of tune. [...] I should like to revise one rating. After hearing "Embraceable You" by the Ornette Coleman group, I'd like to raise the rating on ' "Midnight Sun Never Sets" to 12!
 * , c. 1961, reviewing "Embraceable You" from  for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties (1966) by Leonard Feather, p. 21.

 * When asked to play a 12-bar blues, Ornette Coleman fingered his plastic saxophone and played nothing...he's felt more nothing than you or I know.

 * I like Ornette's approach to writing. I wish I could see more of a link between the writing and the solos. It's like a building without any foundation and something's got to keep it up in the air. Even an atom-powered submarine has to go back to home base sometimes ... You've got to know where home is. You've got to acknowledge that somewhere.
 * , c. 1959, reviewing "Endless" from  for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 479.

 * In my estimation a very important date, along with some of Ornette's earlier dates. It was very important insofar as the direction of the music; jazz, specifically the avant-garde ... Ornette inspired me to move from the canal-like narrow-mindedness of the '40s through the later '50s, to the later Grand Canyon-like harmonic awareness of the '60s ... I think he might have had some bearing on Newk Rollins and the impeccable John Coltrane.
 * , reviewing "Enfant" from  for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties (1966) by Leonard Feather, p. 21.

 * Whichever alto player it was, I wish he would play in tune. He's got good ideas, but it would help to get them across a little more, you know, if ... unless that's considered to be a little bit more freedom—if you can take liberties with the intonation like that. if that's liberty, boy, they're making an ass out of Abraham Lincoln! I think it would be a good idea for everybody to just leave Ornette alone for about five years and let him get himself together rather than subject him to all the controversail ends of it ... he's searching and he should at least have the liberty to do it in peace.
 * , c. 1961, reviewing "Ramblin'" from  for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties (1966) by Leonard Feather, p. 20.

 * There's two driving forces for every jazz player—the playing and the writing ... Ornette's writing was a little bit ahead of his playing when this record was made. He has a wonderful sense of humor, and the compositions are very interesting. But I don't think he plays his compositions as well as he wrote them.
 * , c. 1959, reviewing "The Sphynx" from  for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 479.

 * I'm in favor of Ornette and many of the things he has done ... he does possess the basic elements that go to make up a jazz artist ... a rhythmic drive ... qualities you can find in everybody since Louis Armstrong—all the good guys ... I can still see in his figures a certain quality that was exemplified by Bird. Everybody says Ornette's playing sounds weird or so forth. But the basic jazz essentials, as I said ... Ornette has—the drive and the rhythm. Rhythm is the most necessary part, the prerequisite for the jazz musician—the positive element. But, of course, harmony is the negative through which the positive must exert itself.
 * , reviewing "Folk Tale" from This Is Our Music for DownBeat's "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties (1966) by Leonard Feather, p. 21.

 * His musical inspiration operates in a world uncluttered by conventional bar lines, conventional chord changes, and conventional ways of blowing or fingering a saxophone. Such practical 'limitations' did not even have to be overcome in his music; they somehow never existed for him. Despite this--or more accurately, because of this--his playing has a deep inner logic. Not an obvious surface logic, it is based on subtleties of reaction, subtleties of timing and color that are, I think, quite new to jazz--at least they have never appeared in so pure and direct a form.
 * , quoted in.

title: Ornette Coleman


text:
Consolevania

This page contains quotes from the internet-distributed television show, 'Consolevania.

Recurring Quotes
Legend: I'm the American XBox Live champion. I beat LisaSimpson45 in a MechAssault deathmatch.

Legend: Don't worry - it's only a coat-hanger with a microphone on the end.

Mr Kenny: I'll show you how it's fuckin' done.

Review of Castlevania: Lament of Innocence

 * Mr. Robert: And remember, this is a game in direct competition with the worst kind of competition a game can possibly have: itself in the past.
 * Mr. Robert: Never has a camera felt so obvious - it's as if this game has been shot by some director who likes using cameras built for people with giant hands made of ham.
 * Mr. Robert: For every 3D update that gets its wings, a 2D classic dies.

Legend Interview 1

 * Legend:Do you play XBox Live at all? Interviewee: No Legend (to the camera): No, he doesn't XBox live- Interviewee (interrupting): My living room isn't big enough to have an XBox in it.
 * Legend: Sega or Nintendo? Interviewee: Sega, definitely. Legend: PlayStation or XBox? Interviewee: PlayStation. Legend: Pussy or Ass? Interviewee: Ass. Legend: Ass...that's my kinda guy.

Review of Morrowind

 * Mr. Ryan: The fact is the most dangerous foe you're up against in this game are those invincible invisible giant bugs that conspire to ruin the gaming experience, by trapping your leg in a mountain or throwing you outta a room through a wall and into a black expanse of nothingness, or my particular favourite - deviously intercepting your saved game and scrubbing it from the hard drive and not even having the decency to scream I LIKE IT! in your face.

Legend Interview 2

 * Legend (to Female Interviewee): Are you old enough to wear makeup? Female Interviewee: Yes, I'm 16. Male Interviewee (to Legend): How old do you have to be to wear makeup, brother? Legend (to Male Interviewee): I dunno, how old were you when you started?
 * Legend (to Male Interviewee 2, who is dressed in a pink lycra top and wearing pigtails): What's your name? Male Interviewee 2: William. Legend: And do you play video games? It looks as though you do, son. You gotta play some kinda games.

Review of Siren

 * Mr. Robert: The magic of a show like Consolevania is that it's for people who already know their stuff. So, you don't need us to tell you that Siren comes from the mind of the fellas behind Silent Hill. You don't need us to tell you that it's already garnered a solid reputation, with import forums ablaze with details of it's tense set pieces. You don't need us to tell you that it's a game about ten people trying to survive in a village overrun by people tainted by a stream that now runs blood red. But you see we've told you anyway in a round-about way that makes you feel clever - see how that works?
 * Mr. Robert: Siren makes fun sound look like a dirty word, like the way beef sounds like a dirty word on Saturday night.

Consolevania Wrestling Foundation

 * Commentator: Kawada struggling to lift for the German suplex! Looked like me trying to lift Giant Baba's daughter into bed. She's giant in all the right places.

Review of Bujingai

 * Mr. Robert: There's no need for me to go long-winded here and keep you hanging for what I think of this game because I wanna shout it from the rooftops like a lesbian.

Legend Interview 3

 * Legend: What's your highscore on Radiant Silvergun? Interviewee: errr...I've never played it Legend: You've never played Radiant Silvergun? I can't believe that. What do you think of the control system in Gigantic Drive on the PS2?
 * Interviewee 2: What else do you do in Milwaukee apart from play XBox? Legend: We play games and errr...I like hunting. Interviewee 2: Hunting? Legend: Yeah. Interviewee 2: What do you hunt? Legend: Deer. Interviewee 2: Do you kill them? Legend: I shoot them. Interviewee 2: Well, that's not very nice.

Legend Interview 1

 * Legend (to Interviewee): You don't look like a games player, you look like you got a masturbater's hands.

Review of Glass Rose

 * Mr. Robert: If there's one thing I can't stand it's spoilers. You know, like when someone told you that Cloud has sex with Sephiroth at the end of Final Fantasy VII.

 * Mr. Robert: It's the perfect game to play at the beach - if you have a long enough extension cord and you manage to get your wide-screen telly on the plane.

Review of Kya

 * Mr. Ryan: Is it in any way right or fair to compare a 3D platformer with the 2D elite? No, you're fucking right it isn't. And watch your language - my parents are watching this.

Legend Interview 2

 * Legend: Talk to me about [DoDonpachi] Interviewee 1: *laughs* Legend: Talk to me about DoDonpachi, c'mon! Interviewee 1: Who's he.. Legend: What's your best score on DoDonpachi? Interviewee 1: What is that? Pacman? Legend: Yeah, pretty much Pacman, yeah.

 * Legend: I want you to go home, you turn on Ridge Racer, you get your Time Attack on and you come back and you tell me what your best Time Attack time is! Interviewee 1: Will you tell me where my pals are? Legend: Your pals are gone! This is what this has all been, it's a ruse. My friends come up in a van and pull your friends inside! We take them off the road - we go huntin' with them.

 * Legend: Ridge Racer - what's your best Time Attack time? Interviewee 2: What's my what? Legend: Your best Time Attack time in Ridge Racer? Interviewee 2: What's a Tommatic Tonne?

Hitler vs GAME

 * Hitler: That's what I excpect from those shysters. Go in there as a good fee-paying customer, get treated like a war criminal.

Review of Biohazard: Outbreak

 * Mr. Robert: There's near-view puzzles to solve, but since Resident Evil's puzzles are about as appealing as an old-age pensioner covering her fanny with a crossword book, we're not gonna worry too much about that.

 * Mr. Robert: You have a choice of eight character so there's every chance you'll find one that appeals to you, or at least looks like you. That's why I've chosen Jim, 'cause I'm black with blond hair and I'm a postman.

Legend Interview 3

 * Interviewee: You from New York? Legend: I'm from Milwaukee. Interviewee: Milwaukee? Legend: Yeah...where are you from? Interviewee: I'm from Canada. Legend: You're not from Canada - I heard you talkin' over there. Interviewee: What did I sound like? Legend: I dunno.

Review of Romance of the Three Kingdoms VIII

 * Mr. Robert: When you've spent hours upon hours training up your special attacks in the barracks in town or spent days tracking some lone warrior across the land, inviting him to banquets and buying him gifts just so he'll join your army, the battle mode takes on great importance. When that same warrior leads your troops into a trap and suffers confusion for the entire battle you feel that way you felt when you took that bird to the pictures and McDonalds and didn't even get your boabie tickled.

 * Mr. Robert: If you'll let me put my wank hat on for a moment...

Review of .hack//INFECTION

 * Mr. Ryan: ...and I'm using the inverted commas motion with my fingers here folks when I say "story"...

Legend Interview 4

 * (Woman jumps around behind the interviewees trying to get noticed) Legend: If you're gonna do that at least show your breasts, please. That's not good enough.

Review of Syberia II

 * Mr. Robert: Syberia II thankfully doesn't expect you to solve many problems of the bizarrely illogical 'combine-plastic-cactus-with-baby's-nappy variety.

Review of Driv3r

 * Mr. Ryan: This game is fucking rubbish. Absolutely terrible.
 * Mr. Ryan: I haven't seen this much fucking pop-up since bedtime when I was three.

Review of Showdown: Legends of Wrestling

 * Mr. Robert: This is the third Legends of Wrestling game. It's a series that has been getting progressively better. So we positive minded people at Consolevania are gonna cut it a lot of slack. A lot of slack. We're talking Briana Banks' arse kinda slack.
 * Mr Robert: Nostalgia is a powerful thing. We know this from the amount of people that claim that Transformers are good.

Review of Full Spectrum Warrior

 * Mr. Ryan: If this game is to be believed then the US Army apparently only have one tactic.

End of Level Boss and Mid-Level Sub Boss

 * End of Level Boss: You will always make dinner! Why? Because you have inferior attack pattern.
 * End of Level Boss: Time means nothing when you have superior attack patterns! Now phone me a pizza! Is it there yet?

Review of Spiderman 2

 * Mr. Robert: The game's so good they should have named it twice.

John Gacy's Kiddies Corner

 * John Gacy: Hi folks. My name's John Gacy, that's right the serial kil- games reviewer.
 * John Gacy: Shut up will ya! I told you I let you out, when Duke Nukem Forever comes out!

Peter Molyneux

 * Molyneux: You know, the problem with you boys...you're bored with excitement, whereas my games - they surely show you how to be excited by boredom.

Legend Interview 1
Girls: Yeah, definitely
 * Legend: Big game coming out soon, it's called Bang Bus: The videogame. Are you gonna be buying that game? Very controversial.

Review of Winning Eleven 8

 * Mr Robert: And what happens when you put too many cherries on a cake? The cake suffers from fuckin' slowdown... Okay,maybe the cake analogy isn't really workin' very well, but you see what I mean.

Review of Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay

 * Mr Ryan: Christ, it's been four episodes in and I'm beginning to sound like I don't actually like games but I do though, honest, honest I do

Christmas Special

 * Kenny: Ye no gonna thank me fur yer present, ya fat poofs?
 * John Gacy: I'm John Gacy- I'm Santa Claus. Your favourite serial kille- your favourite games reviewe- your favourite benevolent old man who delivers gifts at Christmas.

Episode 5

 * John Gacy: I gotta give that entire experience... ten outta ten.

Review of Overblood

 * Mr. Ryan: Never more so than during one of the very, very few fight scenes do you feel like you're playing a game that's being held together by nothing more than the sheer willpower of the programmers.

title: Consolevania


text:
Shrek 2

Shrek 2 is a 2004 animated film in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres. It is a sequel to the previous film.
 * Directed by Andrew Adamson, Kelly Asbury, and Conrad Vernon. Written by Andrew Adamson, Joe Stillman, J. David Stem, and David N. Weiss.

Once Upon Another Time...(taglines)

Puss in Boots

 * I hate Mondays.

Dialogue

 * [first lines]
 * Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the King and Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. [the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. [enters the Dragon's Keep] For he was the bravest, [takes off his helmet] and most handsome... [shakes head in slow motion] ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss [sprays in his mouth] would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]
 * Big Bad Wolf: What?
 * Prince Charming: Princess...Fiona?
 * Big Bad Wolf: No.
 * Prince Charming: [relieved] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
 * Big Bad Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
 * Prince Charming: [shocked] Honeymoon, with whom?!
 * [Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]

 * Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.
 * Shrek: [angrily] Donkey.
 * Donkey: Yes, roomie?
 * Shrek: You're bothering me.

 * Donkey: Royal ball?! Can I come?
 * Shrek: We're not going.
 * Fiona and Donkey: [shocked] What?
 * Shrek: I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
 * Fiona: Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too.
 * Shrek: Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
 * Fiona: Will you stop it? They're not like that.
 * Shrek: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
 * Fiona: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance!
 * Shrek: Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks?
 * Fiona: No, they just want to give you their blessing.
 * Shrek: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
 * Fiona: Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes!
 * Shrek: And who says I want to be a part of this family?
 * Fiona: You did, when you married me!
 * Shrek: Well, there's some fine print for you!
 * Fiona: [exasperated sigh] So, that's it? You won't come?
 * Shrek: Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and that's final!

 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: No.
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Fiona: Not yet.
 * Donkey: Okay, are we there yet?
 * Fiona: No.
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: No!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: Yes.
 * Donkey: Really?
 * Shrek: NO!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?!
 * Fiona: No!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?!
 * Shrek: No, we are not!
 * Donkey: ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
 * Shrek and Fiona: [in unison, extremely enraged] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
 * [Shrek begins angrily mimicking Donkey]
 * Shrek and Donkey: Are we there yet? Hey, that's not funny. Hey, that's really immature. See, this is why nobody likes ogres! All right, your loss!
 * Donkey: I'm going to just stop talking!
 * Shrek: Finally!
 * Donkey: But this is takin' forever, Shrek, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin'.
 * Shrek: The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away!
 * Donkey: All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
 * Shrek: Well, find a way to entertain yourself. [there's silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time] Ohh! For 5 minutes, could you not be yourself? [loudly] FOR 5 MINUTES!!! [after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time] AAAAARRRGH!!!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
 * Fiona: Yes!
 * Donkey: Oh, finally!

 * [Shrek gulps at the dinner table. To his sides sits Lillian and Fiona, and across from him sits Harold. Lillian looks around nervously and Harold angrily stares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously.]
 * Fiona: [lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation] Oh! Excuse me.
 * Shrek: Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona? [he and Fiona laughed] That's good enough...  [they stopped laughs after neither Harold nor Lillian join in] I guess not.
 * Donkey: [from another room] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. [bursts into the scene from the kitchen] Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place. [sits next to Harold]
 * Harold: [angrily] No, no! Bad Donkey! Bad, down!
 * Shrek: Hey! That's not nice to bad Donkey.
 * Fiona: No, no, no, Dad! Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
 * Donkey: Yup, that's me: the noble steed. [to the server] Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?
 * Shrek: Oh, boy. [slurps from the bowl]
 * Fiona: Um, Shrek?
 * Shrek: Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm!
 * Fiona: No, no, no. Darling. [demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]
 * Shrek: Oh. [chuckles]
 * Lillian: [as the rest does the same] So, Fiona, tell us about where you live?
 * Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. [to Shrek] Don't you, honey?
 * Shrek: Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and--
 * Donkey: What?! [laughs] I know you ain’t talking about the swamp!
 * Shrek: [clenches through his teeth] Donkey.
 * Harold: An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
 * [Donkey dunks his mouth in his bowl and drinks]
 * Lillian: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children... [Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both gag until Shrek spits out his spoon onto the table.]
 * Shrek: [chuckles] It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
 * Harold: Indeed. I just started eating.
 * Lillian: Harold!
 * Shrek: What's that supposed to mean?
 * Fiona: Dad, it's great, okay?
 * Harold: Well, for his type, yes.
 * Shrek: [offended] My type?!
 * Donkey: [starts to leaved, nervously] Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
 * The chef: [he and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a pig] Dinner is-a served!
 * Donkey: [sits back down] Never mind, I can hold it.
 * [The servers set the food on the table.]
 * The Chef: Bon appetit!
 * Donkey: Oh, mexican food! My favorite!
 * Lillian: Well, let's just not sit here with our tummies rumbling, everybody dig in.
 * Donkey: Don't mind if I do, Lillian.
 * Harold: [angrily pulls the lobster towards himself] So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be--
 * Shrek: [angrily pulls the turkey towards himself] Ogres, yes!
 * Lillian: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
 * Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't [violently stabs the knife into the lobster] EAT your own [violently slices open the lobster]   YOUNG?!
 * Fiona: Dad!
 * Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been [violently rips off both drumsticks from the turkey] LOCKED away in a tower!!! [angrily takes a bite out of 1 drumstick]
 * Fiona: Shrek, please!
 * Harold: I only did that because I love her!
 * Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!
 * Harold: You wouldn't understand! You're not her father!
 * [Fiona sighs and facepalms herself as Shrek and Harold angrily continue to ripped apart their food, sending bits and pieces flying across the table]
 * Lillian: It's so nice to have a family together for dinner. [Shrek and Harold angrily stand up and furiously glare at each other, then violently tug over the pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards] Harold!
 * Fiona: Shrek!
 * Shrek: Fiona?!
 * Harold: Fiona!
 * Fiona: Mom!
 * Lillian: Harold-
 * Donkey: [happily] Donkey! [The pig lands on the table with a thuds. Fiona angrily stands up and glares at Harold and Shrek, then runs out of the room, causing Harold to get enraged and Shrek to sigh]

 * Shrek: Fiona? Fiona? [barges into the room along with Donkey]
 * [The Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]
 * Donkey: Oh, you got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
 * Fiona: Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
 * Fairy Godmother: [confused] Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen?
 * Fiona: Shrek is the one who rescued me.
 * Fairy Godmother: [angrily] But that can't be right!
 * Shrek: Oh, great! More relatives!
 * Fiona: She's just trying to help.
 * Shrek: Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.
 * Fiona: What?!
 * Donkey: Leaving? I don't wanna leave.
 * Fiona: When did you decide this?
 * Shrek: [as he is packs] Shortly after arriving.
 * Fiona: [remorsefully] Look, I'm sorry...
 * Fairy Godmother: No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, [whips out a "Happiness" business card] happiness is just a teardrop away.
 * Shrek: [rudely snatches the "Happiness" card from the Fairy Godmother] Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy...
 * Fairy Godmother: So I see. [laughs in a not so good way] Let's go, Kyle. [Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]
 * Fiona: [sarcastically] Very nice, Shrek.
 * Shrek: What? I told you that comin' here was a bad idea.
 * Fiona: You could have at least tried to get along with my father.
 * Shrek: You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it.
 * Fiona: [as a bichon Frise starts barks] Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
 * Shrek: Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?!
 * Fiona: You're unbelievable! You're behavin' like a... [pauses; sighs]
 * Shrek: Go on, say it!
 * Fiona: Like an OGRE!?
 * Shrek: Well, here's a newsflash for you, whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! [a bichon Frise continues barks, Shrek angrily roars at the bichon Frise, causing it to whimper in fright and cover its eyes with its paws] And guess what, princess, That's not about to change.
 * Fiona: [sadly walks to the door] I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [leaves]
 * Donkey: That's real smooth, Shrek. [mimics Shrek] "I'm an ogre! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!" [Shrek screams]''

 * Harold: I knew this would happen!
 * Lillian: You should. You started it.
 * Harold: I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me.
 * Lillian: I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice.
 * Harold: Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing?
 * Lillian: Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. [Harold sighs]

 * Fairy Godmother: [to Harold] You remember my son Prince Charming? [showin' him sitting next to her]
 * Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
 * Charming: [irritated] Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually. [raised tone] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower-!
 * Fairy Godmother: [cuts him off] Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess… is already married!
 * Harold: [stammers] I mean, it wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time.
 * Fairy Godmother: [to Kyle; shouts] STOP THE CAR! [Kyle screeches the carriage to a stop] Harold. You force me to do something I really don't want to do.
 * Harold: [gasps] Where are we?
 * Fast-food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
 * Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo… chili rings…
 * Charming: I'll have the medieval meal.
 * Fairy Godmother: One medieval meal and, Harold, curly fries?
 * Harold: No thank you.
 * Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
 * Harold: No, really, I'm fine.
 * Fast-food Clerk: [gives Fairy Godmother their meals] Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
 * Fairy Godmother: [gives the axe to Charming] Here you are, dear. You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
 * Harold: [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
 * Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
 * Harold: Yes.
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter… [takes a bite of her wrap and talks with her mouth full] but for your kingdom.
 * [The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of Fairy Godmother's henchmen shoves Harold out]
 * Harold: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
 * Fairy Godmother: [tosses the double-headed axe into his hands] Use your imagination.

 * Shrek: Face it, Donkey, were lost.
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: Aye.
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: ?
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: ?

 * Donkey: Did I missed?
 * Shrek: No, you got him.
 * Puss: [after attacks Shrek] Now, ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... [slashes "P" on the tree] Puss...in Boots!
 * Shrek: [Growls in rage] I'll kill that cat!
 * Donkey: No, he's not.
 * Puss: Ah-ha-ha! [He drops the sword, then starts heaving for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey. Then spits out the hairball and coughs] [chuckles] Hairball.
 * Donkey: Oh, that is nasty.
 * Shrek: [picks up Puss by the back of the neck] What do you reckon we should do with him?
 * Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
 * Puss: [frightened] Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers-
 * Shrek: [covers his Puss' mouth with his Shrek's finger] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?
 * Puss: The rich king? Sí. [Shrek drops Puss to the ground, Puss screeches]
 * Shrek: [sighs] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.
 * Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
 * Shrek: [sits on the rock] Gee, thanks. [looks down at the river reflection and sighs] Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
 * Puss: Sí, that's what the king said. [Donkey gives him a dirty look] Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
 * Donkey: [walks over to Shrek] Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her.
 * Shrek: Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. [pauses out] Hold the phone... [pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card] "Happiness." [flips it over] "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
 * Donkey: Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin' me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
 * Shrek: No, Donkey, I need you to cry!
 * Donkey: Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- [Puss angrily stomps on his hoof] OWWWW!!!!!! [whimpers and tears] You little hairy litter-licking sack of...
 * [Donkey's tear sheds and Shrek lets it fall onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it]
 * Fairy Godmother: ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears her throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! [Bubble pops]
 * Donkey: Ohhh.
 * Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
 * Donkey: That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! [singing] Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move!
 * Puss: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
 * Shrek: Join the club. We've got jackets.
 * Puss: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.
 * Donkey: I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! [sees Shrek walking to Puss] Shrek? [slight pauses out; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles] Shrek?!
 * Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!
 * Donkey: Say what?!?! [Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness. Donkey groans in frustration]
 * Shrek: Aw, listen. He’s purring!
 * Donkey: Oh, so now it's cute!
 * Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
 * Donkey: Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!

 * [Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
 * Shrek: Hi. I'm here to see...
 * Jerome: The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.
 * Fairy Godmother: [from the gramophone intercom] Jerome, coffee and a monte christo. Now!
 * Jerome: [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. [to Shrek] Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay?
 * Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
 * Jerome: The union?
 * Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign.
 * Jerome: Oh, oh, right.
 * Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
 * Jerome: Uh... [turns the gramophone intercom away from him] A little. W-We don't even have dental.
 * Shrek: [whispers to Donkey] They don't even have dental. [to Jerome] Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?
 * Donkey: Hmm?
 * Shrek: Huh?
 * Donkey: Huh, huh, huh?!
 * Shrek: Stop it.
 * Jerome: Of course. Go right in.

 * Shrek: Alright, look lady?!
 * Fairy Godmother: Don’t you point…those dirty green sausages at me!

 * Shrek: Hurry! [Puss pulls the blue potion] Nice catch, Donkey.
 * Puss: Finally! A good use of your mouth.
 * [more potions drop, the siren sounds and the door begins to close]
 * Shrek: C'mon!

 * [after escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
 * Shrek: [reading the potion bottle] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
 * Donkey: [confused] You both will be fine?
 * Shrek: I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. [opens the potion bottle]
 * Donkey: Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let’s get out of here.
 * Shrek: It says "beauty divine". How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes]
 * Donkey: A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
 * Puss: Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
 * Donkey: Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. [Donkey snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth, which starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey.]
 * Shrek: How do you feel?
 * Donkey: I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
 * Puss: You still look like an ass to me.
 * Shrek: Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona.
 * Donkey: Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back.
 * Shrek: I know.
 * Donkey: No more wallowing in the mud?
 * Shrek: I know.
 * Donkey: No more itchy butt crack?
 * Shrek: I know!
 * Donkey: But you love being an ogre!
 * Shrek: I know! [sighs] But I love Fiona more.
 * [Shrek starts chugging the potion]
 * Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! [Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts.] Got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
 * Puss: Maybe is a dud.
 * Shrek: Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
 * [Dark storm clouds come above Shrek, Donkey and Puss]
 * Donkey: Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! [rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet] Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy!? I'm melting!   I'M MELTING!!
 * Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey. [Donkey chuckles, they head to a barn for some shade. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a rose.]
 * Comandante: [disembodied] Where's Puss in Boots?!
 * Donkey: Uh, it's Far Far Away.

 * [after Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter]
 * Donkey: Oh, don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [Puss hisses] lt’ll be better in the morning. You'll see. [sings, then gets dizzy] The sun’ll come out… Tomorrow... Bet your bottom...
 * Shrek: Bet my bottom?
 * Donkey: I'm comin', Elizabeth! [faints]
 * Shrek: Donkey? A-Are you all right?
 * Puss: Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
 * Shrek: [gets dizzy] D-Donkey. [groans and faints, Puss yowls offscreen]

 * Shrek: It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
 * Puss: I hate Mondays.

 * Fiona: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
 * Shrek: Fiona!
 * Fiona: Shrek?

 * Harold: Fairy Godmother. Charming.
 * Fairy Godmother: Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
 * Harold: Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
 * Charming: Umm, FYI, not my fault.
 * Fairy Godmother: No, no, of course it's not, dear.
 * Charming: I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre?
 * Harold: No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
 * Fairy Godmother and Charming: [In unison, shocked] What?!
 * Harold: I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
 * Harold: Umm, no.
 * Fairy Godmother: What did you say?
 * Harold: [stutters] I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it.
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
 * Harold: No.
 * Fairy Godmother: [puts down her wand] Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know he's all high in the front, he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
 * Charming: Oh. Thank you, mother.
 * Donkey: [from outside the window, shocked] Mother?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey and Puss outside the window, hearing everything]
 * Shrek: Um, Mary! A talkin' horse!
 * Fairy Godmother: [enraged] THE OGRE! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple, she flies after them and tells the knights get them] STOP THEM!! THIEVES!! BANDITS!! STOP THEM!!!

 * Captain: Catnip...
 * Puss: That's, uh, not mine...

 * Donkey: I gotta get outta here! You can't lock us like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!?
 * Shrek: Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
 * Puss: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
 * Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey?
 * Puss: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.
 * Shrek: Gingy, Pinocchio, get us out of here!

 * Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!
 * Pinocchio: What should I say?
 * Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!?"
 * Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.
 * [Silence]
 * Shrek: Are you?
 * Pinocchio: I most certainly am not! [his nose extends]
 * Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
 * Pinocchio: I am not! [his nose extends more]
 * Puss: What kind?
 * Gingy: It's a thong! [pulls at his pink thong and lets it slap back]
 * Pinocchio: Ow! They're briefs!
 * Gingy: [takes the key and runs across Pinocchio's nose as it continues to extend with each denial] Are not!
 * Pinocchio: Are too!
 * Gingy Are not!
 * Pinocchio: Are too!
 * Gingy: [reaches Shrek and uses the key to free Shrek, Donkey, and Puss] All right, here we go. Hang tight.
 * [Shrek lands his feet on the cell floor. Then Puss]
 * Donkey: Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! [lands on his back on the cell floor] Ow!
 * [Shrek looks at the Far Far Away palace from outside the window]
 * Shrek: [hears a muffled voice] What? [sees the mouse's tail sticking out from Puss' mouth] Puss!
 * Puss: Hmm? [spits out a blind mouse] Sorry, boss.
 * Shrek: Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss!
 * Donkey: Oh, I thought you were gonna let her go.
 * Shrek: I was, but I can't let him do this to Fiona.
 * Donkey: Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's finally coming around!
 * Puss: It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle is guarded and there is a moat and everything!
 * Gingy: Well, folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick. [pausing; Shrek looks at Gingy] What?
 * Shrek: Do you still know the muffin man?
 * Gingy: Well, sure. He's down on Drury Lane. Why?
 * Shrek: Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.

 * Shrek: There it is, Mongo, to the castle! Nonononono, ?

 * Mongo: [drowns] Be good.

 * [Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona]
 * Shrek: [to Charming] Hey, you! Back away from my wife!
 * Fiona: [puzzled] Shrek?
 * Fairy Godmother: You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone!
 * Shrek: [to the pigs] Now!
 * Pigs: [starts the battle] Pigs and blanket!

 * Fairy Godmother: Harold! You supposed to give her the potion!
 * Harold: Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.

 * [The clock strucks midnight]
 * Puss: Boss! The Happily Ever After potion!
 * Shrek: Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?
 * Fiona: What?
 * Shrek: Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this.
 * Fiona: You'd do that? For me?
 * Shrek: Yes.
 * Fiona: I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after… [Shrek starts to lean a little closer to kiss her but she puts her hand on his mouth] With the ogre I married.
 * Puss: Whatever happens, I must not cry. You cannot make me cry. [starts to sob]

 * [last lines; post credits]
 * Donkey: [singing] All by myself, Don't wanna be all by myself... anymore
 * Puss: [enters with two ladies] Amigo. We are off to the Kit Kat club. Come on, join us.
 * Donkey: Thanks, compadre. I’m… I’m not in the mood.
 * Puss: We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro!
 * [A roar is heard]
 * Donkey: [delighted] Hey, baby!
 * [The Dragon from the first film flies in the scene.]
 * Donkey: Hey, that’s my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? [Dragon cries] I’m sorry, too. I should’ve stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious?
 * [A baby dronkey flies in.]
 * Dronkey: Papa!
 * [One fire breathes which Donkey avoids, screams while seeing the baby dronkeys flying into him to hug. Donkey laughs.]
 * Donkey: Look at our little mutant babies! [The Dragon blows a pink heart-shaped smoke. Cut to black.] I got to get a job.

Far Far Away Idol

 * Shrek: No, you're really on fire!

Cast

 * Mike Myers — Shrek
 * Eddie Murphy — Donkey
 * Cameron Diaz — Princess Fiona
 * Julie Andrews — Queen Lillian
 * Antonio Banderas — Puss in Boots
 * John Cleese — King Harold
 * Rupert Everett — Prince Charming
 * Jennifer Saunders — The Fairy Godmother
 * Frank Welker — Dragon, Dronkeys
 * Guillermo del Toro as Comandante (disembodied)
 * Aron Warner — Big Bad Wolf
 * Cody Cameron — Pinocchio, Three Pigs
 * Conrad Vernon — Gingy, Muffin Man, Mongo
 * Chris Knights — Blind Mouse
 * Larry King — Ugly Stepsister
 * Chris Miller — Magic Mirror
 * Joan Rivers — Herself

Taglines

 * In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
 * Once Upon Another Time...
 * Not So Far, Far Away.

title: Shrek 2


text:
Aaron Sorkin

Aaron Benjamin Sorkin (born 9 June 1961) is a playwright and screenwriter, originally from Scarsdale, New York. He is known for his rhythmic dialogue and inventive television style.

Quotes

 * Socializing on the internet is to socializing, what reality TV is to reality.
 * The Colbert Report at 7m35s. Aired September 30, 2010, retrieved October 16, 2010.
 * said whilst promoting The Social Network in an interview with Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report in defense of not having a Facebook account.

 * Writing anything, it sorta starts the way you'd build a castle at the beach. You're just taking your hands and you're mounting up sand.
 * The West Wing, Season Two Commentary Track: Noel.

 * Is it (Sports Night) a comedy or a drama? That's generally not a question I try and answer for myself before I'm going to write something. The example I would use is, if you're driving in your car and you're listening to a rock 'n' roll station on the radio and a song comes on, and in the song you hear elements of jazz and folk and you hear strings in there … it's not necessary to answer the question, "Is this jazz, is this folk, or is this rock?" before you decide to listen to it and like it or not.
 * Interview for Comedy Central.

 * People who don't know anything tend to make up fake rules, the real rules being considerably more difficult to learn.
 * The West Wing Script Book: Volume 1, Introduction.

 * I love writing but I hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says. " You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?" and I really, really don't. I don't want any trouble. I'll go peaceable-like.
 * The West Wing Script Book: Volume 1, Introduction.

 * The worst crime you can commit is telling the audience something they already know, in any fashion, even for a moment.

 * The problem I had when I wrote The Social Network was that this thing that’s supposed to bring us closer together is pushing us further apart. It gives everyone the impression that everyone else in the world is having a better time, and that if you are not cataloging your life, then you’re not really living it. People are going to show you only pictures of themselves having a great time at the best party with the coolest people eating, for some reason, avocado toast. They’re also not going to experience empathy. When we’re a little kid on a playground and say something mean to another little kid, we see in their face what we did, and we feel bad because of it. On social media, it’s more like yelling at another driver from your car. People are developing a chemical addiction to their phones. A gambling addict feels that rush of dopamine and serotonin not when they win but when the roulette wheel is spinning. When kids stick their hand in their pocket to get their phone and see if someone has commented on the photo they posted, they get that rush of serotonin and dopamine. It’s a big deal. And now, when we talk about our concerns with Facebook, we’re talking about the power that it has to disseminate misinformation and disinformation. We’re never going to put this genie back in the bottle, but surely we can decide that lies are bad.

title: Aaron Sorkin


text:
User:QUILzhunter931~enwikiquote

(There is currently no idiot in this page)

title: User:QUILzhunter931~enwikiquote


text:
User:Slady

Hi, I am slady, send me a message at slady's Czech Wikipeda talk page if you want to. :-D

I should include
Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.--H. Jackson Brown

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France Jacques Anatole Thibault (1844-1924)

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?--George Wallace

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.-Voltaire

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.--Walt Disney

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.--W. Edwards Deming

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.--Oscar Wilde

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.--Jane Wagner/Lily Tomlin (1939- )

We think in generalities, but we live in details.--Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again." -- Franklin P. Jones

"Some studies show that successful entrepreneurs often have the same characteristics as children with attention deficit disorders. They are curious, impatient, fast moving, and uninterested in the trivia or details of a school subject or, later in life, of the details of a business." - Brian Tracy

"A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for." -- Grace Murray Hopper

unclaimed
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right. -- ???

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

proverbs
Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.-Danish proverb

title: User:Slady