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Van Helsing

Van Helsing is a 2004 action / horror film about demon hunter Van Helsing who must team up with the last Gypsy princess, Anna Valerioius, to kill Dracula and his brides.
 * Written and directed by Stephen Sommers.

The One Name They All Fear Taglines

Gabriel Van Helsing

 * Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same — best when cooked well.
 * To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.
 * [About Frankenstein's monster] My life, my job is to vanquish evil. I can... I can sense evil. This thing, man, whatever it is - evil may have created it, may have left its mark on it, but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.
 * I'll find you. I'll get you back, I'll set you free! I swear to God!
 * [the first time he sees Dracula in the film] Now that I have your attention.
 * [after cutting off Mr Hyde's arm] I'll bet that's upsetting.
 * Why can't I have one of those? [reaction to the firing demonstration of the gatling gun]
 * [After Dracula offers to restore his memories] Some things are better left forgotten! [transforms into werewolf]

Count Vladislaus Dracula

 * I was beginning to lose faith, Victor. A pity your moment of triumph is being spoilt over a little thing like grave robbery.
 * You can't kill me, Victor. [forces swords through his own abdomen] I'm already dead.
 * Why can't they just leave us alone? We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?
 * I have no heart! I feel no love... nor fear... nor joy... nor sorrow! I am... hollow. And I will live... forever.
 * I'm at war with the world and every living soul in it!... But soon the final battle will begin. I must find out who our new visitor is.
 * Werewolves are such a nuisance during their first full moon. So hard to control.
 * I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat. [starts clapping his hand like a heartbeat] Usually, when I approach [clapping speeds up] I can almost dance to the beat! [clapping slows] Strange that yours... is so steady.
 * Is this your silver stake?
 * You are the great Van Helsing! Trained by monks and mullahs from Tibet to Istanbul! Protected by Rome herself! But, like me, hunted by all others.
 * So, would you like me to refresh your memory a little, hmm? A few details from your sordid past? [Van Helsing holds up a silver crucifix; Dracula grabs it, roaring as it burns and melts in his hand] Perhaps that is a conversation for another time. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. [bows] Born 1422. Murdered 1462.
 * [talking to Anna Valerious] This is not all... I could do with your skin...
 * Gabriel... Oh, Gabriel... Oh, Gabriel... Welcome to my summer palace.
 * Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you... VAN HELSING!
 * We are both part of the same great game, Gabriel, but we need not find ourselves on opposite sides of the board!
 * You are being used, Gabriel! As was I. But I escaped. So can you.
 * [fighting Gabriel] Don't you understand?! We could be friends! Partners! Brothers-in-arms!
 * Did I mention that it was you who murdered me? It must be such a burden... such a curse... to be the Left Hand of God. All I want is life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind. And perhaps [shows his hand, bending finger to make it look cut off] the return of my ring.

Anna Valerious

 * I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.
 * He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.
 * (To Gabriel Van Helsing) Some say you are a murderer Mr. Van Helsing, others say you are a holy man, which is it?
 * (To Aleera, who has been constantly saying she'll kill Anna and has just been stabbed by Anna) I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them. Don't stand there talking about it.
 * (Dancing with Count Dracula) I won't let you trade me, Count.
 * [last words] For God.

Carl

 * [To Van Helsing] Ah, there you are. So did you bring Mr. Hyde back, or did you kill him? Hmm... you killed him didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed! When they ask you to bring somebody back, they don't mean as a corpse!
 * A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.
 * The air around here is thick with envy...
 * But I'm not a field man. Van Helsing! I don't want to go to Transylvania!
 * Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want... dammit!
 * Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
 * [Reads passage on a wall] Even a man who is pure in heart... and says his prayers by night... may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms... and the autumn moon is bright. Or crave another's blood when the sun goes down... and his body takes to flight.
 * Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.
 * [To Frankenstein's monster] Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.
 * How many commandments can we break in one day?
 * If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to be the first one to stick your hand in a viscous material.
 * [Aleera has just been horribly burned by the acid holding the werewolf cure] Viscous material! What did I tell you?

Others

 * Cardinal Jinette: Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and empires come and go but we, we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial; we are the last defense against evil. An evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.

 * Undertaker: [after Van Helsing kills Marishka] Vampires only kill what they need to survive - one or two people a month. Now they will kill for revenge.
 * Undertaker: Never too late to dig graves. You never know... when you need a fresh one.

 * Frankenstein's monster: If you value your lives and the lives of your kind, you will kill me! If Dracula finds me... I am the key, to my father's machine. The key to life. Life, for Dracula's children.
 * Frankenstein's monster: [in a carriage] By exposing me, you have condemned me! ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY! [Anna shuts the door on him]
 * Frankenstein's monster: [after Van Helsing is bitten by a werewolf] Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately. [Van Helsing apologises and prepares to knock him out with a dart] May others be as passionate in their hunting of you.
 * Frankenstein's monster: [to a crowd of vampires] YOU WRETCHED UNDEAD!!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! "THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL"!!! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT DAMNED BONES, AND DAMNED SOULS, AND WILL BURN IN THE FLAMES OF HEEEEEEELL!!!!!

 * Verona: Stop your teasing, Marishka, and finish him!
 * Verona: I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!

 * Aleera: [to Anna] Don't play coy with me, Princess. I know what lurks in your lusting heart...
 * Aleera: [drinking a freshly-killed man's blood from a glass] Thirty years old... perfectly aged.
 * Aleera: Tsk, tsk, tsk. So much trouble to my Master. So much trouble.
 * Aleera: You can go when I say you can go. And I say you can go when you're dead!
 * Aleera: Anna, my love... it is your blood that shall keep me beautiful! What do you think of that?

 * Marishka: Too bad, so sad.

 * Mr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.
 * Mr. Hyde: We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]
 * Mr. Hyde: Here... I... come... ready... or... NOT! [as he dashes, about to smash him, Van Helsing cuts her flesh; then he knocked off by the bell] Oh... THE BELL! THE BELL!
 * Mr. Hyde: Ah, Paris! [grabs Van Helsing] I think you'll find the view over here rather spectacular! [dangles Van Helsing from church roof, laughing maniacally] It's been a pleasure knowing you. Au revoir! [drops him]
 * Mr. Hyde: [Van Helsing shoots him in the chest with a grappling hook, last words] My turn! [Pulls hard on the rope, forcing Van Helsing into the air]

 * Muslim Scientist: [after Carl accidentally causes an explosion] WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

 * French Police Officer: [After Mr. Hyde is "killed" by Van Helsing] Van Helsing!! You MURDERER!!!

Dialogue

 * Dr. Frankenstein: [after bringing his monster to life] It's alive...it's alive! IT'S ALIVE! [Hearing shouting outside, Frankenstein runs to a window to see an angry mob trying to break into his castle. Backing away from the window, he turns around and comes face to face with Dracula, jumping in shock]
 * Dracula: Success!
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [catching himself] Oh Count, it's just you.
 * Dracula: I was beginning to lose faith, Victor. [regards the mob outside] A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave-robbery.
 * Dr. Frankenstein: Yes, I must, I must escape this place!
 * Dracula: Where are you going to run, Victor? Your...peculiar experiments have made you unwelcome in most of the civilised world!
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [packing items in a chest] I'll take him away, far away, where no one will ever find him!
 * Dracula: [pacing atop the fireplace] No, no, Victor; the time has come for me to take command of him.
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [confused] What are you saying? [Dracula suddenly teleports from his position to stand in front of Frankenstein, slamming down the lid of the chest. Frankenstein is caught off-guard by the count's impossible speed]
 * Dracula: [angrily] WHY DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT YOU HERE?! GAVE YOU THIS CASTLE?! EQUIPPED YOUR LABORATORY?!
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [quailing from and hurt by the Count's anger] You said...you said you believed in my work!
 * Dracula: [calming down, adopting a conciliatory smile] And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over GOD...!" [The lab machinery sparks and explodes violently at Dracula's angry roar] It must now serve my purpose!
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [wary] What purpose?
 * [...]
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [after hearing Dracula's plan] Good God! I would kill myself before helping in such a task.
 * Dracula: Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. [looking at the Monster] I just need him... he is the key.
 * Dr. Frankenstein: I could never allow him to be used for such evil!
 * Dracula: I could. In fact, my brides are insisting upon it. [begins to approach Frankenstein, cornering him]
 * Dr. Frankenstein: Igor! Help me!
 * Igor: You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring. Thoughtful. [points at Dracula, smiling] But he pays me.
 * Dr. Frankenstein: [pulls a sword from the wall, aiming it at Dracula] Stay back!
 * Dracula: You can't kill me, Victor. [impales himself on the sword, to Frankenstein's horror] I'm already dead.

 * Mr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.
 * Van Helsing: I'd hate to be such a nuisance. I missed you in London.
 * Mr. Hyde: [chuckles] No, you bloody did not! [shows a hole in his arm] You got me good.
 * Van Helsing: Dr Jekyll, you are wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...
 * Mr. Hyde: It's Mr Hyde now!
 * Van Helsing: ...for the murder of twelve men, six women--
 * Mr. Hyde: [bored] ... four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So, you're the great Van Helsing.
 * Van Helsing: And you're a deranged psychopath.
 * Mr. Hyde: We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]
 * Van Helsing: My superiors would like for me to take you alive, so that they may extricate your better half.
 * Mr. Hyde: I bet they bloody would.
 * Van Helsing: Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?
 * Mr. Hyde: Mmm... Do let's. [knocks Van Helsing across the room]

 * Van Helsing: Bless me, father, for I have...
 * Cardinal Jinette: ...sinned, yes, I know. You are very good at that. [Van Helsing winces] You shattered the Rose Window.
 * Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.
 * Cardinal Jinette: 13th century! Over 600 years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.
 * Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.
 * Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong, your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters! We are not pleased!
 * Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?
 * Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.
 * Van Helsing: Well then nether do I. [stands to leave]
 * [Cardinal presses a switch and a portcullis lowers, trapping Van Helsing in the confessional]
 * Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.
 * Van Helsing: Why can't He do it Himself?
 * Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a punishment for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call. Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and empires come and go, but we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. We are the last defense against evil, an evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.
 * Van Helsing: To you, these monsters are just evil beings to be vanquished. I'm the one standing there when they die and become the men they once were!
 * Cardinal Jinette: For you, my good son, this is all a test of faith. And now, we need you to go to the East. To the far side of Romania, a accursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures, lorded over by a certain Count Dracula. [shows a picture of Dracula]
 *  Van Helsing: Dracula?
 * Cardinal Jinette: Yes. You've never faced one like this before. [shows an image of a man in knight's armour] Our story begins 450 years ago, when a Transylvanian knight named Valerious the Elder promised God that his family would never rest nor enter Heaven... until they vanquished Dracula from their land. They have not succeeded, and they are running out of family. [shows another image] His descendant, Boris Valerious, King of the Gypsies. He disappeared almost 12 months ago. [shows another two images of a young man and woman] His only son, Prince Velkan, and his daughter, Princess Anna... If the two of them are killed before Dracula is vanquished, nine generations of their family will never enter the gates of St. Peter. For more than four centuries, this family has defended our left flank. They gave their lives. We cannot let them slip into Purgatory.
 * Van Helsing: So you're sending me into Hell.
 * Cardinal Jinette: In a manner. [a monk gives him a script] Valerious the Elder left this here 400 years ago, we don't know its purpose. But he would not have left it lightly. The Latin inscripton translates as: "In the name of God, open this door". There's a insignia.
 * [Van Helsing looks at his ring, which has the same symbol as the script]
 * Cardinal Jinette: Yes, it matches your ring. I think that in Transylvania you may find the answer you seek.

 * Carl: Well, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him? [sees that Van Helsing is alone] You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed!  When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean as a corpse.

[Van Helsing keeps walking]
 * Carl: Well, you're in a mood! Not to worry, got just the thing to put the bit back in your teeth. [Van Helsing stops to look at a rack of swords] Oh, any idiot can make a sword!
 * Blacksmith Monk: Hey! [holding glowing sword tip at Carl's face]
 * Carl: S-S-Sorry, Father...
 * Van Helsing: [shaking his head] Come along, Carl.

 * Carl: You've never gone after vampires before, have you?
 * Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same! Best when cooked well.
 * Carl: No, no, no, they're not all the same.  A vampire is nothing like a warlock.  My granny could kill a warlock.
 * Van Helsing: [chuckles] Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey; how do you know about vampires?
 * Carl: I read. [Van Helsing shrugs] Now, here's something new. Glyerin-48. [flicks a drop of nitroglycerin, blowing up some crates and startling the other monks] Sorry! Sorry!
 * Monk: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
 * Carl: [to Van Helsing, quietly] The air around here is thick with envy.
 * [Carl shows Van Helsing his new invention, a gas-powered crossbow]
 * Carl: Ah, now here's my latest invention; gas-propelled, capable of catapulting arrows in rapid succession at tremendous velocity. Just pull the trigger and hold on. I've heard the stories coming out of Transylvania; trust me, you'll need this. A work of certifiable genius.
 * Van Helsing: If you don't say so yourself.
 * Carl But I do say so myself. I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent!
 * Van Helsing: [picking up a flask on Carl's workbench] What's this?
 * Carl: Careful with that! [Van Helsing teasingly keeps it out of reach] I've been working on that for seven years! It's compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius mixed with alkali from the Gobi Desert. [wrests the flask from Van Helsing] One of a kind.
 * Van Helsing: What's it for?
 * Carl: I don't know, but I'm sure it'll come in handy.
 * Van Helsing: Seven years and you don't know what it does?
 * Carl: I didn't say that. I said I don't know what it's for, what it does is produce a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.
 * Van Helsing: And this'll come in useful how?
 * Carl: I don't know, you could blind your enemies, charbroil a herd of charging wildebeast... use your imagination!
 * Van Helsing: No, I'm going to use yours. That's why you're coming with me.
 * Carl: The hell be damned, I am.
 * Van Helsing: Carl, you cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.
 * Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!
 * Van Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He tosses Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.
 * Carl: But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!!

 * Carl: So what do you remember?
 * Van Helsing: Not now, Carl. [keeping his eyes on the villagers who are looking increasingly hostile]
 * Carl: Surely you remember something.
 * Van Helsing: I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.
 * Carl: That was in 73 AD!
 * Van Helsing: You asked.

 * Carl: What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?
 * Van Helsing: Because he's the son of the Devil.
 * Carl: I mean besides that.
 * Van Helsing: Because if we kill him, anything bitten or created by him will also die.
 * Carl: I mean besides that.
 * Undertaker: Welcome to Transylvania!
 * [Van Helsing sighs and drops his bag to face the villagers, who watch him suspiciously]
 * Carl: Is it always like this?
 * Van Helsing: Pretty much.

 * Dracula: Igor, why must you torment that thing so?
 * Igor: It's what I do.
 * Dracula: Remember, Igor, do unto others...
 * Igor: ... before they do unto me!

 * Anna Valerious: Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?
 * Van Helsing: It's a bit of both, I think.

 * Anna Valerious: We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.
 * Van Helsing: There's a brighter side of death?
 * Anna Valerious: Yes. It's just harder to see.

 * Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
 * Van Helsing: Werewolf!
 * Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets, then.
 * [he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]
 * Van Helsing: Well done!

[Van Helsing, hunting the werewolf, coming across the Gravedigger in a coffin]
 * Gravedigger: Nice night, [Van Helsing points his gun at him] this is a bit tight for me, but for you, [he circles Helsing to the coffin] it's a perfect fit. What a conicidence. I see the wolf-man hasn't killed you yet. [starts to dig out a grave]
 * Van Heling: [cautiously looking around] Don't worry, he's getting to it. You don't seem to bothered by him.
 * Gravedigger: Oh, I'm no threat to him. I'm just the one who cleans up after him, if you get my meaning.
 * Van Helsing: A little late to be digging graves?
 * Gravedigger: Never too late to dig graves. You never know... when you need a fresh one.
 * [Gravedigger swings his shovel at Van Helsing, Van Helsing grabs it and points his pistol at the Gravediggers face]
 * Gravedigger: [last words] Oh, sorry! It's just m-my nature.
 * [The werewolf appears and lunges at Van Helsing, but he dodges and the werewolf runs into the Gravedigger, killing him]

[After Velkan escapes]
 * Van Helsing: [chokes Anna] Why?!
 * Anna Valerious: You're choking me!
 * Van Helsing: Give me a reason not to.
 * Anna Valerious: I can't. If people knew...
 * Van Helsing: [lets go of Anna's neck] He's not your brother anymore, Anna!
 * Anna Valerious: You knew?
 * Van Helsing: Yes.
 * Anna Valerious: Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?
 * Van Helsing: Before.
 * Anna Valerious: And still you tried to kill him!
 * Van Helsing: He's a werewolf! He's going to kill people!
 * Anna Valerious: He can't help it! It's not his fault!
 * Van Helsing: I know, but he'll do it anyway!
 * Anna Valerious: Do you understand forgiveness?
 * Van Helsing: Yes. I ask for it often.
 * Anna Valerious: They say Dracula has a cure. If there's a chance I can save my brother, I'm going after it!
 * Van Helsing: No! I need to find Dracula!
 * Anna Valerious: And I need to find my brother! He gave his life for me, he's the only family I have left. I despise Dracula more than you can ever imagine. He has taken everything from me, leaving me alone in this world.
 * Van Helsing: To have memories of those you loved and lost... is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all. All right. We'll look for your brother.

 * Velkan: I would rather die than help you!
 * Dracula: Oh, don't be boring. Everyone who says that dies.

 * Village Woman: [Carl has just saved her from one of Dracula's children] How can I ever repay you?
 * Carl: [whispers something in her ear]
 * Village Woman: But you can't do that! You are a monk!
 * Carl: Well, actually, I'm still just a friar. [Village woman smiles]

 * Anna Valerious: A silver stake?! A crucifix?! What, did you think we haven't tried everything before?! We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and still he lives! Do you understand?! No one knows how to kill Dracula.
 * Van Helsing: ... Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.

 * Van Helsing: There's something down here. And it's carnivorous. Whatever it is, it appears to be... human. I'd say he's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8-and-a-half to 9 feet tall. He has a bad gimp in his right leg, and... 3 copper teeth.
 * Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?
 * Van Helsing: [quickly] Because he's standing right behind you. Move!

 * Van Helsing: Now Carl, what ever you do, don't stare at him. [Carriage door opens to show the Monster struggle under chains]
 * Carl: I'm staring at him! Is that a man?!
 * Van Helsing: [Grabbing Carl and pushing him into the carriage] Several men, actually. Parts of them, anyway.

 * Van Helsing: All right Carl, what have you learned.
 * Carl: That Count Dracula was actually the son of Valerious the Elder. The son of your ancestor.
 * Anna Valerious: Everybody knows that, what else?
 * Carl: All right. well according to this rubbing, it all started when Dracula was murdered.
 * Van Helsing: Do you know who murdered him?
 * Carl: No, it's just some vague reference to the Left Hand of God. And in 1462 when Dracula died, he made a covenant with the Devil.

(shows the picture of Dracula and the Devil touching each other finger)
 * Van Helsing: And he's given a new life.
 * Anna Valerious: But the only way he could sustain that life is by drinking the blood of others.
 * Carl: Uh, excuse me. Are you going to let me tell the story?
 * Both: Sorry.
 * Carl: And your ancestor, having sired this evil creature, went to Rome to seek forgiveness. That's when the bargain was made, he was to kill Dracula in return for eternal salvation of his entire family right down the line all the way to you.
 * Anna Valerious: But he couldn't do it. As evil as Dracula was, my ancestor couldn't kill his own son.
 * Carl: So he banished him to an icy fortress, sending him to a door for which there is no return.
 * Anna Valerious: And then the Devil gave him wings.
 * Carl: Yes.
 * Van Helsing: All right. So where is this door?
 * Carl: I don't know. But when your ancestor couldn't kill his son. He left clues, so that future generations might do it for him.
 *  Anna Valerious: That must be what my father was looking for in here. Clues to the door's location.
 * Van Helsing: The door, of course. You said your father spent hours staring at this painting trying to find Dracula's lair. I think you were right, quite literally. I think this is the door, he just didn't know how to open it.

[They arrive at the map painting]
 * Carl: [pointing at the Latin inscription] Look, the Latin inscription. Maybe it was like that painting in the tower.
 * Anna Valerious: If this were a door, my father would've open it long ago.
 * [Carl finds out the piece of the inscription is missing]
 * Carl: I can't finish the inscription, there's a piece missing.

(Van Helsing has the script that the cardinal gave him]
 * Van Helsing: Your father didn't have this.
 * Anna Valerious: Where did you get that?
 * Van Helsing: Carl, finish it.
 * [Carl puts the final piece and translates the inscription]
 * Van Helsing: In the name of God, open this door.

About Van Helsing

 * I was so surprised I'm doing any of this. I'm not interested in vampires at all. (Laughs) When I first got sent the script for Underworld I didn't read it, but then I thought, hmm, vampires and werewolves... not really my kind of thing. And then when I got the script for this, again, I thought, "Oh, it all has to do with vampires and werewolves". But I thought my character was so different. First of all, I'm not a vampire in this. (Laughs) She's a gypsy and she's much more passionate. It just seemed like a very good role.
 * I would have been in huge trouble if I hadn't done Underworld because we had this great stunt coordinator who really would say, "Hey, now you're going to jump off that eighty-foot building, is that fine?" And you think "scary", but you go ahead and do it anyway. And I thought, "I've done that". That was really helpful.
 * Kate Beckinsale

 * My reluctance was more... well, I knew from the moment I read it that the movies were very different, as you can tell after seeing it. And the characters are very different. My reluctance was more, I thought after shooting, and when I met Steve I was on my way to shoot X-Men 2 my reluctance was that I thought I was going to do a smaller independent movie after that; doing something different. I was a bit reluctant about being in another big, sort of, franchise kind of movie; a summer, popcorn movie in a way; because I thought I might just end up going down that road. And because they take so long to make, it's like a year of your life. And then I knew I was coming to Broadway for a year. So I figured, do I really want to be doing that? And of course, if it's successful, then X-Men 3 and then Van Helsing 2, then that would kind of be my film life, you know?
 * Hugh Jackman

Taglines

 * The One Name They All Fear.
 * Adventure lives forever.

Cast

 * Hugh Jackman as Gabriel Van Helsing
 * Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious
 * Richard Roxburgh as Count Vladislaus Dracula
 * David Wenham as Carl
 * Will Kemp as Velkan Valerious / The Wolf Man
 * Shuler Hensley as Frankenstein's monster
 * Silvia Colloca as Verona, the oldest bride of Dracula
 * Josie Maran as Marishka, the middle bride of Dracula
 * Elena Anaya as Aleera, the youngest bride of Dracula
 * Kevin J. O'Connor (actor) as Igor
 * Alun Armstrong as Cardinal Jinette
 * Samuel West as Dr. Frankenstein
 * Robbie Coltrane as Mr. Hyde (voice)

title: Van Helsing


text:
Kin Hubbard

Frank McKinney Hubbard (1 September 1868 - 26 December 1930) was an American cartoonist, humorist, and journalist.

Quotes

 * Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.
 * Short Furrows (1911).

 * Nobuddy ever listened t' reason on a empty stomach.
 * From Abe Martin's "Short Furrows", The American Magazine, February 1913.

 * Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.
 * Short Furrows (1913)

 * It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious.
 * Short Furrows (1913)
 * Variants:
 * It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.
 * As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 73
 * It's pretty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious.
 * As quoted in The Quote Verifier : Who Said What, Where, and When (2006) by Ralph Keyes, p. 94.

 * Ther's still a few honest folks left but they never seem t' find anything you lose.
 * Short Furrows (1913).

 * If at first you do succeed don't take any more chances.
 * Back Country Folks (1914).

 * Now an' then an innocent man is sent t' th' legislature.
 * Back Country Folks (1914)
 * Variant: Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
 * As quoted in The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949) by Evan Esar, p. 105.

 * Gittin' talked about is one o' th' penalties for bein' purty, while bein' above suspicion is about th' only compensation fer bein' homely.
 * Abe Martin's Primer : The Collected Writings of Abe Martin and his Brown County, Indiana, Neighbors (1914)
 * Variant: Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.
 * As quoted in Instant Quotation Dictionary (1969) by Donald O. Bolander, p. 23.

 * Don't knock th' weather. Nine-tenths o' th' people couldn' start a conversation if it didn' change once in a while.
 * Abe Martin's Primer : The Collected Writings of Abe Martin and his Brown County, Indiana, Neighbors (1914).

 * Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them.
 * New Sayings by Abe Martin and Velma's Vow: A gripping love tale by Miss Fawn Lippincut (1916).

 * Th' only way t' entertain some folks is t' listen t' 'em.
 * New Sayings by Abe Martin and Velma's Vow: A Gripping Love Tale by Miss Fawn Lippincut (1916).

 * When a fellow says, "It hain't the money, but th' principle o' the thing," it's th' money.
 * Hoss Sense and Nonsense (1926).
 * Variant: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.
 * As quoted in The American Treasury, 1455-1955 (1955) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 993.

 * Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They jest can't buzz any slower.
 * As quoted in Reading I've Liked : A Personal Selection Drawn from Two Decades of Reading (1941) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 827.
 * Variants:
 * A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.
 * As quoted in The Modern Handbook of Humor (1967) by Ralph Louis Woods, p. 17
 * The bee isn't really that busy — it just can't buzz any slower.
 * As quoted in Peter's People (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 29.

 * Some folks can look so busy doin' nothin' that they seem indispensable.
 * As quoted in Saturday Review (18 March 1944), p. 19
 * Variant: Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

 * Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
 * As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 8.

 * Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
 * As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 47.

 * Nine-tenths of our crimes an' calamities are made possible by th' automobile. It has unleashed all th' pent-up criminal tendencies o' th' ages. It's th' central figure in murders, hold-ups, burglaries, accidents, elopements, failures an' abscondments. It has well nigh jimmed th' American home.... No girl is missin' that wuzn' last seen steppin' in a strange automobile.... An' ther hain't a day rolls by that somebuddy hain't sellin' ther sewin' machine, or ther home, or somethin' t' pay on an automobile.... Maybe th' jails an' workhouses are empty, but that's not because th' world is gittin' better. It's because all th' criminals escape in automobiles.
 * Writing as his character, "th' Hon. Ex.-Editur Cale Fluhart." as quoted in The American Humorist : Conscience of the Twentieth Century (1964) by Norris W. Yeats, p. 107.

 * Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
 * As quoted in Peter's People (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 28.

 * We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.
 * The Best of Kin Hubbard (1984) Variant: We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

 * Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.
 * As quoted in Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists (2007) by James Geary, p. 39

Misattributed

 * There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.
 * Elbert Hubbard, part of a larger comment quoted from Electrical Review without further attribution in The Search for the North Pole (1896) by Evelyn Briggs Baldwin, p. 520, this was later published as part of various works by Hubbard, including An American Bible (1918) edited by Alice Hubbard. Also once misattributed to Amelia J Calver in The Manifesto (January 1896) by the United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing (Shakers), misattribution to Kin Hubbard seems to be a relatively recent occurrence on the internet.

Quotes about Hubbard

 * Kin Hubbard is dead. To us folks that attempt to write a little humor his death is just like Edison's would be to the world of invention. No man in our generation was within a mile of him, and I am so glad that I didn't wait for him to go to send flowers. I have said it from the stage and in print for twenty years. Just think — only two lines a day, yet he expressed more original philosophy in 'em than all the rest of the paper combined. What a kick Twain and all that gang will get out of Kin.
 * Will Rogers in The New York Times (December 27, 1930).

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Kin Hubbard


text:
Pleasantville

Pleasantville is a 1998 film about two modern-day teenagers who find themselves suddenly inside a 1950's sitcom where their influence begins to profoundly change that complacent world.
 * Written and directed by Gary Ross.

Nothing Is As Simple As Black And White. taglines

David Wagner/Bud Parker

 * Look, you can't always like what you do. Sometimes you just do it because it's your job. And even if you don't like it, you just gotta do it anyway.
 * To Bill Johnson

Big Bob

 * People, people.... I think we all know what's going on here. Up until now everything around here has been, well, pleasant. Recently certain things have become unpleasant. It seems to me that the first thing we have to do is to separate out the things that are pleasant from the things that are unpleasant.

Bill Johnson

 * Where am I going to see colors like that? Must be awfully lucky to see colors like that. I bet they don't even know how lucky they are.

Dialogue

 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: What's outside of Pleasantville?
 * Miss Peters: What? ...I don't understand...
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: Outside of Pleasantville... What's at the end of Main Street?
 * Miss Peters: Oh, Mary Sue. You should know the answer to that. The end of Main Street is just the beginning again.

 * David/Bud: You can't do this Jennifer. I warned you!
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: So what's the big deal? Oh. Okay — they're like not good at basketball anymore. Ohmigawd, what a tragedy.
 * David/Bud: You don't understand. You're messing with their whole goddamn universe!
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: Well maybe it needs to be messed with, David. Did that ever occur to you?

 * Jennifer/Mary Sue [having just introduced the slang use of "cool" into Pleasantville] : Cool.
 * David/Bud: "Cool"? "Cool" ? What are you doing to these people? You can't do this to them!
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: If I don't do it, who will?
 * David/Bud: No — but they're happy like this!
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: No. David, nobody's happy in a poodle skirt and a sweater set. [pause] You really like this don't you? No, its not like you think it's just like funny or dorky or anything … you like — really like it.
 * David/Bud: No, you have it all wrong.
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: God! I am so personally mortified to be your sister right now.
 * David/Bud: You have no right to do this to them.
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: David, listen to me for just a minute. These people don't want to be geeks. They want to be attractive. They've a lot of potential — they just don't know any better.

 * David/Bud: What's going on?
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: I'm not sure. Um… They wanna ask you a question... I didn't know how to handle it. So....
 * David/Bud: Sure. [to the others] How you doin'? You wanted to ask me something?
 * Tommy: How'd you know about the fire?
 * David/Bud: What?
 * Tommy: How'd you know how to put it out and all?
 * David/Bud: Oh. Well — where I used to live, that's just what firemen did.
 * [The kids all murmur together]
 * Tommy: And where's that?
 * David/Bud: Um... Outside of Pleasantville.
 * Tommy: Well, what's outside of Pleasantville?
 * David/Bud: Look it doesn't matter. It's not important.
 * Tommy: What's outside of Pleasantville?
 * David/Bud: It's really not important.
 * Margaret: What's outside of Pleasantville?
 * David/Bud: There are some places … that the road doesn't go in a circle. There are some places where the road keeps going.
 * Margaret: Keeps going?
 * David/Bud: Yeah, yeah — it just keeps going — it all keeps going. Roads and rivers and …
 * Will: Like the "Mighty Mississippi."
 * David: What?
 * [Will holds up a copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn]
 * David/Bud: [to Jennifer/Mary Sue] I thought the books were blank?
 * Will: They were.
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: Okay, this was NOT my fault. When they asked me what it was about I didn't remember because I read it like back in tenth grade. When I told them what I did remember, thats when the pages filled in.
 * David/Bud: The pages filled in?
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue: But like only up to the part with the raft, because that's as far as I read.
 * Tommy: Do you know how it ends?
 * David/Bud: Yeah… I do.
 * Margaret: So how does it end?
 * David/Bud: Well, um — okay, let's see…. they were running away — Huck and — and the slave.... they … they were going up the river, trying to get free…. and — in trying to get free … they see that they're sort of free already…. [The pages fill in by themselves, completing the book] Oh my God.

 * Big Bob: [in the bowling alley] What happened? Are you alright? What is it?
 * George: Rain.
 * Big Bob: Real rain?
 * [George nods]
 * Big Bob: Oh my God.... Are you alright?
 * George: I came home like I always do. And I came in the front door. And I took off my coat. And I put down my briefcase and I said "Honey. I'm home."
 * [The men all nod in recognition.]
 * George: ...Only no one was there. So I went into the kitchen and I yelled it again. "Honey — I'm home." But there was no one there either. No wife. No lights. No dinner.
 * [The men all gasp]
 * George: So I went to the oven you know — because I thought maybe she had made me one of those "TV dinners..." But she hadn't. She was gone. And I looked and looked and looked — but she was gone.
 * Big Bob: It's gonna be fine George. You're with 'us' now.
 * Gus: What are we gonna do Bob?
 * Big Bob: Well — we'll be safe for now — thank goodness we're in a bowling alley — but if George here doesn't get his dinner, any one of us could be next. It could be you Gus, or you Roy, or even you Ralph.... That's real rain out there, gentlemen. This isn't some little "virus" that's going to "clear up on its own." There's something happening to our town and I think we can all see where it comes from. My friends, this isn't about George's dinner or Roy's shirt. It's a question of values. It's a question of whether we're gonna hold onto the values that have made this place great. So the time has come to make a decision. Are we in this alone, or are we in it together?

 * Betty [who has now become "colored"]: I got caught in the storm. You were gone all night too.
 * George: Let's just forget about it, we'll just go to the meeting.
 * Betty: No. I told you, George. I am not going to that meeting.
 * George: Sure you are.
 * Betty: No, I'm NOT. — Look at me, George. Look at my face. That meetings not for me.
 * George: You'll put on some make-up.
 * Betty: I don't want to put on make-up.
 * George: It'll go away. It goes away.
 * Betty:  [firmly] I don't want it to "go away".
 * Videoclip at YouTube

 * Skip: [as the townspeople are burning books] Mary Sue, it's better this way!
 * Jennifer/Mary Sue [resisting his efforts to grab Lady Chatterly's Lover by D. H. Lawrence from her]: NO! This is like the only book I've ever read in my whole life, and you're not going to put it on that fire!

 * Big Bob: This is not the answer, people. No matter how upset we may get, or how frustrated we may be, we're not gonna solve our problems out in the street. It's just the wrong way to do it. We have to have a "Code of Conduct" we can all agree to live by. Now, I asked George and Burt here to sketch out some ideas — and I think they've done a terrific job. If we all agree on these then we can take a vote and I think we'll start to move in the right direction. "ONE: All public disruption and acts of vandalism are to cease immediately. TWO: All citizens of Pleasantville are to treat one another in a courteous and pleasant manner...
 * [The kids are hiding in the ruined malt shop]
 * Lisa Anne: "Courteous and Pleasant manner." That doesn't sound too bad.
 * David/Bud [reading the new Code of Conduct]: "THREE: The area commonly known as Lover's Lane as well as the Pleasantville Public Library shall be closed until further notice. FOUR: The only permissible recorded music shall be the following: Johnny Mathis, Perry Como, Jack Jones, the marches of John Phillips Sousa or The Star Spangled Banner. In no event shall any music be tolerated that is not of a temperate or "pleasant" nature."
 * Kids: Oh my gosh.... No....
 * David/Bud: "FIVE: There shall be no public sale of umbrellas or preparation for inclement weather of any kind. SIX: No bedframe or mattress may be sold measuring more than 38 inches wide. SEVEN: The only permissible paint colors shall be BLACK, WHITE or GRAY, despite the recent availability of certain alternatives. EIGHT: All elementary and high school curriculums shall teach the "non-changist" view of history — emphasizing "continuity" over "alteration." Wow.

 * George: You know, your mom went out.
 * David/Bud: Went out?
 * George: Yeah. She went out for a little while.
 * David/Bud: When?
 * George: Three days ago.

 * George: What happened? One minute everything's fine — the next... What went wrong?
 * David/Bud: Nothing went wrong. People change.
 * George: People change?
 * David/Bud: Yeah. People change.

 * George: Can they change back?
 * David/Bud: I don't know — I think that's harder.

 * David/Bud: I've got something to say!
 * Big Bob: Very well.
 * David/Bud: You don't have a right to do this. I mean, I know you want it to stay pleasant around here, but — there are so many things … that are so much better. Like silly, or sexy, or dangerous … or brief. And every one of those things is in you all the time, if you just have the guts to look for them.
 * Big Bob: That's enough.
 * David/Bud: I thought I was allowed to defend myself.
 * Big Bob: You're not allowed to lie.
 * David/Bud: I'm not lying. You see those faces up there? They're no different than you are, they just happen to see something inside themselves…
 * Big Bob: [bangs gavel] I said that's enough.
 * David/Bud: Here, I'll show you. Dad?
 * George: Yeah, Bud?
 * David/Bud: It's okay Dad, just listen a sec. I know you miss her, I mean, you told me you did. But maybe it's not just the cooking, or the cleaning, that you miss. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you that's missing too. Look at her, Dad. Doesn't she look pretty like that? Doesn't she look … just as beautiful as the first time you met her? Do you really want her back the way she was? Doesn't she look just wonderful? [he nods] Now don't you wish you could tell her that? [he nods, and suddenly is colored]
 * Big Bob: [bangs his gavel] You're out of order!
 * David/Bud: Why am I out of order?
 * Big Bob: Because I'm not gonna let you turn this courtroom into a circus!
 * David/Bud: Well, I don't think it's a circus, and I don't think they do, either. [David turns to look at the crowd, where many of the black-and-white people are changing into color. There are gasps and murmurs. Jennifer grins]
 * Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] This behavior must stop at once!
 * David/Bud: But see? That's just the point! It can't stop at once, because it's in you, and you can't stop something that's inside you.
 * Big Bob: It is not inside me!

 * David's Mom: When your father was here, I used to think, "This was it." This is the way it was always going to be. I had the right house. I had the right car. I had the right life.
 * David: There is no right house. There is no right car.
 * David's Mom: God, my face must be a mess.
 * David: It looks great.
 * David's Mom: Honey, it's really sweet of you, but I'm sure it does not look "great."
 * David: Sure it does. Come here.
 * David's Mom: I'm 40 years old. I mean, it's not supposed to be like this.
 * David: It's not supposed to be anything. Hold still.
 * David's Mom: How'd you get so smart all of a sudden?
 * David: [pause] I had a good day.

Theme music

 * At last My love has come along My lonely days are over And life is like a song.
 * Etta James, singing "At Last" by Mack Gordon and Harry Warren · Videoclip from Pleasantville at YouTube

 * Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, Possessing and caressing me. Jai Guru Deva Om. Nothing's gonna change my world.
 * Fiona Apple, singing "Across the Universe", by John Lennon · Official video relating to Pleasantville

Taglines

 * Nothing is as simple as Black and White.
 * Pleasantville — It's Just Around the Corner.
 * Reliable TV Repair · We'll fix you for good.

Quotes about Pleasantville

 * Pleasantville is a morality tale concerning the values of contemporary suburban America by holding that social landscape up against both the Utopian and the dystopian visions of suburbia that emerged in the 1950s.
 * Robert Beuka, in SuburbiaNation : Reading Suburban Landscape in Twentieth-Century American Fiction and Film (2004), p. 14
 * Every now and then, a movie comes along that does the motion picture industry proud. … What seems at first to be a gently satiric nostalgia piece gradually turns serious when the twins introduce spontaneity and a dose of 90′s reality to Pleasantville’s pre-programmed denizens. This reality virus, manifesting as color, gradually spreads through the town. While this awakening adds color, knowledge and diversity to their previously rote existence, the unprepared citizens must also come to grips with such decidedly unpleasant scourges as intolerance, violence and racism. When that once-charming black and white 1950′s Main Street view transforms into B&W newsreel-like footage of a book burning, hatred-spewing mob chanting “No Coloreds,” the film certainly tempers our nostalgia – and cleverly fires its warning shots right across our bow. Sure times are tough in the 90′s, but it ain’t all bad and the “good old days” weren’t always all that good. This is an exquisite, timely film. It’s nice to know that occasionally, even Hollywood does something right.
 * Merle Bertrand, in a review of Pleasantville at Filmthreat (26 October 1998)
 * The wonder or this film, its grand feat, is to recast the nostalgic and imperturbably pleasant black-and-white landscape of Pleasantville as in need of a strong dose of our violent, endangered, live-and-in-color, three-dimensional world. The film identifies as repressive (and ultimately dangerous) the "false front" of Pleasantville as it contrasts with the emotional untidiness of "real life." By the end, instead of continuing to hope his actual family becomes like the one on Pleasantville, the brother models the no longer idealized Pleasantville on "real life."
 * Virginia Blum, in Flesh Wounds : The Culture of Cosmetic Surgery (2003), p. 244
 *  Pleasantville is one of the year's delights. It flies off the screen with a freshness and wonder that tickle you with the though that film itself is reborn, not just the characters in Gary Ross's allegorical fairy tale. The device Ross uses as springboard on behalf of passion and intensity — and the antinostalgic belief that you can't go back, only forward, is simply brilliant and brilliantly simple.
 * Jay Carr, in "Pleasantville one of the year's delights" in The Boston Globe and The Tuscaloosa News (27 October 1998)
 * Though writer/director Gary Ross works in some heavy-handed strokes, his portrait of stodgy Eisenhower America dazzles with some of the loveliest imagery of any 1990s film.
 * Thomas Delapa, in "Weekly Video Pick" in Boulder Weekly (23 February 2006)
 * In the twilight of the 20th century, here is a comedy to reassure us that there is hope — that the world we see around us represents progress, not decay. Pleasantville, which is one of the year's best and most original films, sneaks up on us. It begins by kidding those old black-and-white sitcoms like Father Knows Best, it continues by pretending to be a sitcom itself, and it ends as a social commentary of surprising power.
 * Roger Ebert, in review of Pleasantville in Chicago Sun-Times (1 October 1998)
 * The film observes that sometimes pleasant people are pleasant simply because they have never, ever been challenged. That it's scary and dangerous to learn new ways. The movie is like the defeat of the body snatchers: The people in color are like former pod people now freed to move on into the future. We observe that nothing creates fascists like the threat of freedom. Pleasantville is the kind of parable that encourages us to re-evaluate the good old days and take a fresh look at the new world we so easily dismiss as decadent. Yes, we have more problems. But also more solutions, more opportunities and more freedom. I grew up in the '50s. It was a lot more like the world of Pleasantville than you might imagine. Yes, my house had a picket fence, and dinner was always on the table at a quarter to six, but things were wrong that I didn't even know the words for.
 * Roger Ebert, in review of Pleasantville in Chicago Sun-Times (1 October 1998)
 * Ambitious, ingenious and visually breathtaking, Pleasantville is a rarity in contemporary filmmaking; a fully-realized vision that succeeds on multiple levels. Writer and director Gary Ross has crafted a wondrous experience that satisfies as a comedy, a fantasy, a drama and a parable. Movies don't get much better than this.
 * Edward Johnson-Ott, in his review of Pleasantville by at Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb
 * Hollywood satire is not usually this enjoyable: Both savage and silly, Pleasantville is an absolute blast.
 * Bruce Kirkland, in Jam! Movies (13 April 2004)
 * It never rains, the highs and lows rest at 72 degrees, the fire department exists only to rescue treed cats, and the basketball team never misses the hoop. … Pleasantville is a false hope. David's journey tells him only that there is no "right" life, no model for how things are "supposed to be."
 * Robert McDaniel, in a review of Pleasantville in Films and History (May–June 2002), p. 85
 * Parents need to know that Pleasantville raises many ideas about modern troubled times versus old-time simplicity, as well as freedom, responsibility and tolerance. The movie contains many sexual situations, as the naïve TV characters learn about sex for the first time, but the movie handles them gracefully. … High schoolers may appreciate the way that the twins, at first retreating in different ways from the problems of the modern world, find that the rewards of the examined life make it ultimately worthwhile. Parents and teens alike will find many things to think and talk about after watching Pleasantville, including the movie's parallels to (book burning) and American Jim Crow laws ("No colored" signs), and the challenges of independent thinking. Also intriguing is the path of Jennifer's character. At first, she thinks that it is sex that turns the black and white characters into color. But when she stays "pasty," she realizes that the colors reveal something more subtle and meaningful — the willingness to challenge the accepted and opening oneself up to honest reflection about one's own feelings and longings.
 * Nell Minow, in Pleasantville review at Common Sense Media (10 January 2005)
 * This movie is about the fact that personal repression gives rise to larger political oppression...That when we're afraid of certain things in ourselves or we're afraid of change, we project those fears on to other things, and a lot of very ugly social situations can develop.
 * Gary Ross, as quoted in Review of Pleasantville by Edward Johnson-Ott

Cast

 * Tobey Maguire - David/Bud
 * Reese Witherspoon - Jennifer/Mary Sue
 * William H. Macy - George Parker
 * Joan Allen - Betty Parker
 * Jeff Daniels - Bill Johnson
 * J. T. Walsh - Big Bob
 * Don Knotts - TV Repairman
 * Marley Shelton - Margaret
 * Paul Walker - Skip Martin
 * Jane Kaczmarek - David's Mom
 * Erik MacArthur - Will
 * Dawn Cody - Betty Jean
 * Maggie Lawson - Lisa Anne
 * Andrea Baker - Peggy Jane
 * Lela Ivey - Miss Peters
 * Jim Patric - Tommy
 * Marc Blucas - Basketball Hero

title: Pleasantville


text:
Survivor (Palahniuk novel)

Survivor is a satirical novel by Chuck Palahniuk, first published in February 1999. The book tells the story of Tender Branson, a member of the Creedish Church, a death cult. The chapters and pages are numbered backwards in the book, beginning with Chapter 47 on page 289 and ending with page 1 of Chapter 1.

Quotes

 * People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.
 * Chapter 47
 * What you forget when you're planning a hijack by yourself is somewhere along the line, you might need to neglect your hostages just long enough so you can use the bathroom.
 * Chapter 47

 * Someone bent on suicide won't have much sense of humor left.
 * Chapter 46
 * This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of a goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet that someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.
 * Chapter 46

 * People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were too scared of being alone.
 * Chapter 45

 * Whether you clean a stain, a fish, a house, you want to think you're making the world a better place, but really you're just letting things get worse.You think if you work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you're changing a patio lightbulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you'll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you'll be dead. Time is running out. There isn't the energy you used to have. You start to slow down. You start to give in.
 * Chapter 44
 * Today is just one of those days the sun comes out to really humiliate you.
 * Chapter 44

 * I just want some proof that death isn't the end. Even if crazed zombies grabbed me in some dark hall one night, even if they tore me apart, at least that wouldn't be the absolute end. There would be some comfort in that.
 * Chapter 43

 * The craving inside of me is to be clutched at by some dead girl. To put my ear to her chest and be hearing nothing. Even getting munched on by zombies beats the idea that I'm only flesh and blood, skin and bone. Demon or angel or evil spirit, I just need something to show itself. Ghoulie or ghosty or long-legged beastie, I just want my hand held.
 * Chapter 43

 * “A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?" "Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.”
 * Chapter 40

'''The truth is you will be. And the secret is, this will hurt less and less each time until you can't feel a thing.
 * There's a terrible dark joy when the only person who knows all your secrets is finally dead.
 * Chapter 39
 * Kill myself? Thanks, I say. No thanks. Let's Not rush anything here.
 * Chapter 31
 * After the caseworker told me about everybody in the Creedish district colony being dead and all, the first thing I did was start smoking. THe smartest things I've ever done is start smoking. When the caseworker dropped by to say rise and shine, and the only other surviving Creedish went south last night, then I sat myself in the kitchen and upped my suicide process with a good stiff drink.
 * Chapter 31
 * '''The truth is you can be orphaned again and again and again.
 * Chapter 30
 * Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you reenlist.
 * Chapter 30

 * The joke is, we all have the same punchline.
 * Chapter 30
 * If your body is a temple, you can pile up too much deferred maintenance. If your body is a temple, mine was a real fixer-upper.
 * Chapter 28
 * The same way every generation reinvents Christ, the agent's giving me the same makeover. The agent says nobody is going to worship anybody with my roll of flab around his middle. These days, people aren't going to fill stadiums to get preached at by somebody who isn't beautiful.
 * Chapter 28
 * You're going up and up and up and not getting anywhere. It's the illusion of progress. What you want to think is your salvation. What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.
 * Chapter 28
 * According to the agent, the biggest factor that makes you a saint is the amount of press coverage you get.
 * Chapter 28
 * The key to salvation is how much attention you get. How high a profile you get. Your audience share. Your exposure. Your name recognition. Your press following. The buzz.
 * Chapter 28
 * You realize people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, property-lined world. It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.
 * Chapter 28

 * You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up our concept of who we were...Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the trash, it's all because we're afraid to evolve. Grow, change, lose weight, reinvent ourselves. Adapt.
 * Chapter 28
 * Since change is constant, you wonder if people crave death because it's the only way they can get anything really finished.
 * Chapter 28

 * You realize that there's no point in doing anything if nobody's watching. You wonder, if there had been a low turnout at the crucifixion, would they have rescheduled?

 * You’re that tree falling in the forest that nobody gives a rat’s ass about.
 * Chapter 28

 * It's a shame," the agent says, "how medical technology is still lagging behind the marketing side of things. I mean, we've had all the sales support in place for years, the coffee mug giveaways to physicians, the feel-good magazine ads, the total product launch, but it's the same old violin in the background R&D is still years behind. The lab monkeys are still dropping like flies."
 * Chapter 27

 * Reality means you live until you die, the agent says. "The real truth is nobody wants reality.
 * Chapter 27
 * I told the agent, I figured I'd spend my first thousand years of Hell in some entry-level position, but after that I wanted to move into management. Be a real team player. Hell is going to see enormous growth in market share over the next millennium. I wanted to ride the crest. The agent said that sounded pretty realistic.
 * Chapter 27
 * Whoever invented this routine, the agent tells me, they pretty much run things in hell.
 * Chapter 27
 * When you get famous, dinner isn't food anymore; it's twenty ounces of protein, ten ounces of carbohydrates, salt-free, fat-free, sugar-free fuel.
 * Chapter 26
 * Imagine how you'd feel if your whole life turned into a job you couldn't stand. No, everybody thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation. I'd like to see these people even try to live out of hotel rooms and find low-fat fuel room service and do a half way convincing job of faking a deep inner peace and at-oneness with God.
 * Chapter 26
 * Because tanning and steroids are only a problem if you plan to live a long time.
 * Chapter 26
 * Just for the record, after my first three-month cycle of Deca-Durabolin I couldn't reach down far enough to tie my shoes; my arms were that big. Not a problem, the agent says, and he hires someone to tie all my shoes for me.
 * Chapter 26
 * Only God has the right to surprise his children with death.
 * Chapter 25

 * There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns.  If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables.
 * Chapter 23
 * The bad news is we don’t have any control. The good news is you can’t make any mistakes.

 * Do I need to tell you that prison makes Sodom and Gomorrah look like Minneapolis and St. Paul by comparison?
 * Chapter 18
 * No matter how many luxuries you get, something will be missing. No matter how carefully you choose, you'll never be totally happy.
 * Chapter 16
 * "The Vietnam War didn't cause the mess of the 1960's" Adam says. "Drugs didn't cause ot. Well only one drug did. It was the birth control pill. For the first time in history, everybody could have all the sex they wanted. Everybody could have that kind of power."
 * Chapter 9
 * "Throughout history the most powerful rulers have been sex maniacs. And he asks, does their sex appetite come from having power, or does their will for power come from their sex appetite? "And if you don't crave sex," he says, "will you crave power?" No, he says. "And instead of electing decent, boring, sexually repressed officials," he says "maybe we should find the horniest candidates and maybe they can get some good work done."
 * Chapter 9
 * The same way you might look at your leg cut off at the knee and not feel anything at first, maybe this is just shock. But I hope not. I don't want it to wear off. I pray not to feel anything ever again. Because if it wears off, this is all going to hurt so much. This is going to hurt for the rest of my life.
 * Chapter 7
 * You realize that there's no point in doing anything if nobody's watching.
 * More and more everything in my life was a fix for an earlier fix for an earlier fix until I forget what the original problem was.

 * Everything we can do is wrong as long as we're still alive.

 * The feeling is you have no control. The feeling is that we're being delivered.

 * The shortest distance between the points is a time line, a schedule, a map of your time, the itinerary for the rest of your life. Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list.

 * You can tell people the truth, but they'll never believe you until the event. Until it's too late. In the meantime, the truth will just piss them off and get you in a lot of trouble.

 * This is passive aggression in action"

 * It's not that I want to get married.
 * I admire guys who can commit to a tattoo.

 * And if Christ had died from a barbiturate overdose, alone on the bathroom floor, would He be in Heaven?

 * Right now, me getting killed would be redundant.

 * You could stab a knife right through my heart and you'd be too late.

 * There is no Hell. There is no heaven.

 * Scratched on the bathroom stall, it says, Heaven, the words say, is all-you-can-eat pussy buffet.
 * Heaven is getting fucked up the ass.
 * Go to Hell faggot.
 * Been there.
 * Go suck shit.
 * Done that."

 * It doesn't matter if you do anything. If nobody notices, your life will add up to a big zero. People are looking for how to put everything together. They need a unified field theory that combines glamor and holiness, fashion and spirituality. People need to reconcile being good and being good-looking.

The Sun is total and burning and just right there, and today is a beautiful day. Testing, testing, one, two-
 * And the sky is blue and righteous in every direction.

title: Survivor (Palahniuk novel)