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Taxi (TV series)

Taxi (1978-1982 on ABC, 1983 on NBC) is an award-winning sitcom about the staff of a New York City taxicab company who go about their job while they dream of greater things.

Like Father, Like Daughter [1.01]

 * Elaine: 'Scuse me. My name's Elaine Nardo. They told me to ask for Louie.
 * Louie: Yes, ma'am, I'm Louis De Palma. I hope there's no trouble. If there is, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
 * Elaine: No, no, it's just that they told me I'd be starting work today as a driver. Oh, here's my hack license.
 * Louie: You're a cab driver?
 * Elaine: Uh-huh.
 * Louie: Whaddaya mean bustin' my chops here makin' believe you're a regular person?

 * Elaine: [on first meeting Alex] I'm only going to be working here part-time. I'm not really a taxi driver.
 * Alex: Oh yeah, I know. We're all part-time here. You see that guy over there? Now, he's an actor. The guy on the phone, he's a prize fighter. This lady over here, she's a beautician. The man behind her, he's a writer. Me? I'm a cab driver. I'm the only cab driver in this place.

One-Punch Banta [1.02]

 * Louie: Hey, hey, ya wanna great tip? Here it is: Never pick up a cripple.
 * Elaine: Louie! That is the rottenest thing I ever heard. Y'know, I'm not even gonna bother to tell you why, but first of all, you don't call them "cripples," you call them "handicapped persons."
 * Louie: You're right. I'm embarrassed. Okay, John, forget what I said. The people you should never pick up are handicapped persons. The reason is in the time it takes you to help one of them in and out of your cab, you could pick up maybe ten guys who could get in and out all by themselves. So, no handicapped persons. Cabs are only for people who can walk.
 * Alex: You have to forgive Louie, he's himself today.

 * Tony: Maybe I won't be the first guy to make it out of the garage, but I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get a rematch with this guy, and I'm gonna be right back here fightin'!
 * Alex: And I'm gonna be right back here managing you.
 * Bobby: And I'm gonna be right here rootin' for ya.
 * Elaine: And I'm gonna be here.
 * John: And I'm gonna be here.
 * Louie: And I'm gonna be here... makin' a fortune.

Blind Date [1.03]

 * Tony: Angela? From your answering service? Oh, she's a peach. One night she and I discussed my boxing career. Y'know, we never even met, and still we must have talked for around five minutes.
 * Louie: That's longer than most of your fights last.

 * Elaine: I mean, I can't believe you. You wouldn't go out with a woman if she wasn't good looking?
 * Bobby: Sure I would... if I was real drunk or somethin'.
 * Tony: Hey, c'mon, Elaine. Looks matter to women, too. How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?
 * Bobby: Yeah, how popular, Louie?
 * Louie: Y'know, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your nose and you sneeze and your head explodes.

Men Are Such Beasts [1.10]

 * Tony: Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?
 * Alex: Yeah, I remember what I said. I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"

Memories of Cab 804: Part 1 [1.11]

 * Louie: I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your mother is a very attractive woman. She's got some nice bagonzas.
 * Kid: What are bagonzas?
 * Louie: How old are you?
 * Kid: Twelve.
 * Louie: Bagonzas are feet!

 * Bobby: [remembering cab 804] That cab was like a good luck charm to me. I was in that cab when I got held up.
 * Elaine: That was luck?
 * Bobby: I lived!

Memories of Cab 804: Part 2 [1.12]

 * Latka: [after seeing the damage to Cab 804] I quit!!

Louie Sees the Light [1.16]

 * Louie: [to Bobby after finding out he made a bet over whether or not he would change his ways and hanging him on a hook] You scum! You lowlife! You creep! I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night, you get the dirtiest, smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself! In the wintertime, your cab will have no heater! In the summertime, your windows won't roll down! I'm gonna make you the second most miserable cab driver in all of New York City! [Walks towards his office, but briefly stops] The MOST miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him!

Hollywood Calling [1.21]

 * Roger Chapman: [addressing all the cabbies at the Sunshine Cab Co] We're going to make a movie about cab drivers, and the reason we're here is, we want reality. Not Hollywood reality. We want real, reality. So we want to live with you guys. We want to eat with you and talk with you, and get inside your heads. Why don't you forget we're from Hollywood, and forget we're even making a movie. We're just some people who would like to find out what it's like to drive a cab. Now, anybody have any questions?
 * [Tony raises his arm enthusiastically]
 * Roger Chapman: Okay, you.
 * Tony: How'd they part the Red Sea in the Ten Commandments?

 * Roger Chapman: Listen, there's something I'd like to ask you.
 * Louie: Shoot.
 * Roger Chapman: Well, we've heard that certain dispatchers will take advantage of their positions by taking bribes, you know shaking down drivers, that sort of thing. Is there any truth in that?
 * Louie: What's it worth to you to find out?
 * Roger Chapman: I think you just answered my question, thank you.

Louie and the Nice Girl [2.01]

 * Louie: We're splittin' up. Good bye!
 * Zena Sherman: Why?
 * Louie: You really wanna drag this out, don't ya?
 * Zena Sherman: I just wanna know why.
 * Louie: Why? [he thinks] There's someone else.
 * Zena Sherman: Oh. I see. Who?
 * Louie: Who? [he thinks] Donna Summer. We had a little spat before I met you. I couldn't take the pressure, the racial thing! And besides she's always shaking it in front of other guys and it got to me! I told her: I don't want you moanin' on records anymore! This morning she gave me a call...
 * Zena Sherman: Stop it Louie! Just don't make up stories! I think I deserve better than that.

Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey [2.03]

 * Bobby: [helping Jim fill out the form for the driving test] Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?
 * Reverend Jim: Hasn't everyone?
 * Elaine: Put no.
 * Bobby: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
 * Reverend Jim: That's a tough choice.
 * Elaine: Put no!
 * Bobby: OK, that's it! You're ready for the test.
 * Reverend Jim: I thought that was the test!

 * [Jim is taking his driver's test]
 * Reverend Jim: Psst. What does a yellow light mean?
 * Bobby: Slow down.
 * Reverend Jim: OK. What... does... a... yellow... light... mean?
 * Bobby: Slow down!
 * Reverend Jim: OK. Wwwwhhhaaaat dooeesss aaaa yyyeeeellllowwww lllliiiight mmmmeeeannn?
 * Bobby: Slow down!
 * Reverend Jim: OK. Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaat dddddddoooooooeeeeeesssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwww liiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhtt mmmmmeeeeeeaaaaaan?

The Apartment [2.09]

 * Elaine: [after getting out of the jacuzzi] I'm so relaxed I can't remember what tension and unhappiness feel like.
 * Maid: There's a mister Louie De Palma here to see you.
 * Elaine: I just remembered.

 * Elaine: Thanks so much Latka for sharing this with us.
 * Latka: You known in my country everyone shares with everyone.
 * Elaine: Oh that's beautiful.
 * Latka: Otherwise they shoot you.

Latka's Revolting [2.11]

 * Latka: Louie, why don't you come and join the party?
 * Louie: No.
 * [Louie turns to leave]
 * Alex: Hey Louie! You'd make us all feel miserable if you did.
 * Louie: Okay.
 * [Louie sits down at a table]

Elaine's Secret Admirer [2.12]

 * Elaine: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?
 * Reverend Jim: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your castle, and your prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but...
 * Elaine: You are truly a sweet decent man.
 * Reverend Jim: Once there was a time when that was enough.

Louie Meets the Folks [2.13]

 * Alex: I'm not really a cab driver. I'm just waiting for something better to come along. You know, like death.

Jim Gets a Pet [2.14]

 * Reverend Jim: I take him out for walks in the park everyday.
 * Alex: I imagine you must get some funny looks uh.
 * Reverend Jim: Well those poodle people have stopped acting like they own the place.

The Reluctant Fighter [2.15]

 * Vince: Listen. I'm gonna need some help in Tony's corner fight night. Now, any of you guys work a fight?
 * Alex: I was married.
 * Vince: Close enough.

 * Tony: This is it. This is where Benny Foster works out.
 * Bobby: I'm kinda disappointed.
 * Alex: Why?
 * Bobby: It's the ex champ's gym. I thought it would smell different or something. Be a little classier.
 * Tony: Are you kidding? The stalls in the bathroom, they got doors.

Art Work [2.22]

 * Louie: [to white haired man at the auction] You better hope you don't spend your golden years at Sunset Acres.

 * The Auctioneer: Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin the auction. Our first item today will be a painting by Wallace Litiger entitled, Nude at Daybreak.
 * Tony: Alright!
 * Reverend Jim: [an unidentifiable modern art painting is placed on display] My God I know her! She's dyed her hair but that's her.

Louie's Rival [3.01]

 * Reverend Jim: [having put a quarter in the cigarette machine instead of the jukebox] They haven't played my cigarette yet!

Tony's Sister and Jim [3.02]

 * Reverend Jim: Well, isn't this great, we've all learned something. Tony can't choose who his sister's gonna fall for, Monica can't choose who she's gonna fall for, and I think that I've learned the greatest lesson of all. I love being lifted.

 * Monica Banta: You must be Louie.
 * Louie: How did you know my name?
 * Monica Banta: I only had three people described to me. One was smart, one was good-looking, and one was you.

Fathers of the Bride [3.03]

 * Alex: [to his now-overweight ex-wife, at their daughter's wedding] Remember, you haven't lost a daughter - you've gained a ton.

Elaine's Strange Triangle [3.04]

 * Tony: Easy for you to say. You're not the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about.
 * Alex: He said that?
 * Tony: Nah, I'm just assuming.

Going Home [3.05]

 * Elaine: Jim, you changed your name TO Ignatowski?
 * Reverend Jim: Yeah, you know... it was the 60s and everyone was changing their names to stuff like Sunshine, Free, Moon Unit...
 * Alex: Well Jim, why Ignatowski?
 * Reverend Jim: Say it backwards.
 * Bobby: Iskwotangi.
 * Reverend Jim: Uh oh, that's not even close to Starchild, is it?

 * Louie: Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory!

The Ten Percent Solution [3.06]

 * Bobby: [talking on the phone with his agent about a possible acting role] Yeah I understand. Thanks for calling.
 * [puts down the phone followed by a long pause with his head down]
 * Tony: Oh, come on already, the suspense is killing me! Did you get it or not?
 * Louie: Banta, sometimes I wish you were smarter just so you know how dumb you are!

The Call of the Mild [3.07]

 * Alex: It's so quiet up here you can hear yourself think.
 * Reverend Jim: I don't hear anything.

 * [Jim hits his head]
 * Alex: Jim, are you alright?
 * Reverend Jim: Yeah... who are you?
 * Alex: I'm Alex. We're friends, we work together.
 * Reverend Jim: What are we, lumberjacks?
 * Alex: No, we're cabdrivers.
 * Reverend Jim: I bet we don't do much business up here!

Latka's Cookies [3.08]

 * Reverend Jim: Ooh, there are a nice little surprise inside.
 * Louie: What are you talking about?
 * Reverend Jim: Well, I could be wrong, but I detect something in here that's a lot more powerful than oatmeal.

Thy Boss' Wife [3.09]

 * Louie: I love this. A duel of wits between unarmed opponents.

Out of Commission [3.12]

 * Elaine: Maybe I'm insensitive but I don't see what the problem is, you know, I can't imagine missing that sport.
 * Bobby: Elaine, boxing is Tony's life. I mean it would be like me if I had to give up acting.
 * Elaine: But when you act, no one gets brutalized.
 * Louie: Only the playwright and anyone trapped in the theater.

 * Bobby: We got to tell him that boxing, it destroys your brain, it damages your nervous system, and it leaves you a stumbling, disoriented, pathetic wreck.
 * Reverend Jim: And if that's what he wants, there are easier ways of getting there.

Zen and the Art of Cab Driving [3.13]

 * Elaine: Dress is optional... He means how we dress, not if we dress, right?
 * Alex: No, I don't think so.
 * Elaine: Why?
 * Alex: [showing Elaine his invitation] Yours is the only one that says that.

 * Reverend Jim: [as he hands out invitations] Bobby, do you spell your name with one "o" or two?
 * Bobby: One.
 * Reverend Jim: I'll get it right next time, "Booby".

On the Job: Part 1 [3.18]

 * Reverend Jim: [as a traveling salesman] I'm "Fill in your name," but you can call me "Nickname."

Jim the Psychic [4.01]

 * Reverend Jim: I have dreams that come true.
 * Elaine: So you're psychic?
 * Reverend Jim: Yeah, yeah, I'm psychic. I didn't tell you guys about it before, because I didn't want you to think I was offbeat or something.

 * Alex: [Louie's worried about a prediction that Alex will perish under strange circumstances] Louie, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die as I've lived, dancing the can-can in a green shirt and a catcher's mask.

Like Father, Like Son [4.06]

 * Alex: You aren't by any chance dating my father, are you?
 * Karen: Dating your father? [laughs] Alex, that's absurd!
 * Alex: Oh, thank you. That's a relief. I mean, that would be ludicrous, wouldn't it?
 * Karen: Oh, now listen. I think I know what happened. I have been seeing Joe, the guy that you were with here the other day. Someone obviously mistook him for your father.
 * Alex: Yeah, me and my mother.

Of Mice and Tony [4.09]

 * Louie: [stuffing cash into Alex's pockets paying off a bet he just lost] Take it and die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die with festering boils! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

I Wanna Be Around [4.11]

 * Jeff: He's turning the room into a shelter. Louie is determined to survive.
 * Alex: Oh yeah? Well I wish he'd put it for a vote.

Tony's Lady [4.14]

 * Reverend Jim: I once lived with a woman for three years before I realized I loved her. In fact, I lived with her for three years before I realized I lived with her. What a woman! I might have married her.
 * Elaine: Why didn't you?
 * Reverend Jim: I said I might have. I don't remember.

Simka Returns [4.15]

 * Simka: You were wonderful, you were charming, and you said your name was Vic.
 * Latka: Vic! Oooh, that - Vic! I am not Vic! I don't even like Vic! Listen, sit down, please! Tell me everything! What did you do with Vic last night?
 * Simka: You mean, you don't remember?
 * Latka: No.
 * Simka: [guilty] Well, I don't know what to say. I can't say that...
 * Latka: I knew it! You made love with Vic!
 * Simka: Well, I did, but...
 * Latka: You made love with another man right under my nose!
 * Simka: Well, there was no other way! Besides, that was you!
 * Latka: Was I clumsy? Did I whimper?
 * Simka: No, you were wonderful.
 * Latka: Then it wasn't me!

The Unkindest Cut [4.18]

 * [Louie has just brought in a Pac-Man video game into the garage, and is explaining to Jim about the game]
 * Louie: You see this yellow circle? See? What you need to do, is move it around with this stick, and eat up all the dots.
 * Reverend Jim: [starting forward; excited] Oh!
 * Louie: [stopping him] Wait, wait! There's more!
 * Reverend Jim: [amazed] MORE?
 * Louie: Yes! More! You see those monsters? These monsters chase you around the maze and they try to eat you.
 * Reverend Jim: [eyes bugging out] WHOA!
 * Louie: [struggling to hold the excited Jim back] Iggy, Iggy... easy now, you see- you see those flashing blue lights? Those are energizers, if you eat them, the- the monsters turn blue and if you eat them... you get points for eating them!
 * Reverend Jim: [shaking Louie, unable to control his enthusiasm] Please, boss! Please! Please!
 * Louie: [still struggling to hold Jim back] Boy! I love his enthusiasm!

Tony's Comeback [4.19]

 * Lucius Franklin: Sorry but I can't let you quit because I wouldn't want you to let me quit. We've got a symbiotic relationship, Tony.
 * Tony: Hey Lucius, I don't know what you're getting at here. But I swear I'm not the least bit attracted to you.

Cooking for Two [4.22]

 * Tony: You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
 * Reverend Jim: Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.

The Road Not Taken: Part 1 [4.23]

 * Louie: [In a flashback to Louie's days as a driver] All dispatchers are scum.

The Road Not Taken: Part 2 [4.24]

 * Latka: [explaining to his mother in a flashback scene why he wants to move to America] In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
 * Latka's Mother: Who is O.J. Simpson?
 * Latka: The JUICE!

Jim's Inheritance [5.02]

 * Louie: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
 * Reverend Jim: He never was. He lives in Boston.
 * Louie: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
 * Reverend Jim: A condo in Palm Beach?

Scenskees from a Marriage: Part 1 [5.04]

 * Latka: What is the terrible thing, is that I'm going to be brave in the face of death and my wife will never know. She'll think I died the sniveling coward that I lived.

 * Alex: You're considered a hero here. Don't you know that?
 * Latka: I am not a hero. I am a stinkbug.

Scenskees from a Marriage: Part 2 [5.05]

 * Simka: I have bad news for you my darling. I have been faithful to you.
 * Latka: Oh no!
 * Reverend Jim: Now this is where I get confused. If I can only get over this part I know I can help.

 * Simka: Now, peel me like a grape so I can get out of here!

Crime and Punishment [5.06]

 * Louie: You know how I have you haul those used parts to the junkyard and sell them for Mr. Ratledge?
 * Jeff: Yeah.
 * Louie: Well, you didn't quite do it for Ratledge as much as you did it for me.

 * Louie: Let's face it, Reiger, crime pays. You know people go around thinking if they do something bad, then something bad has gotta happen to them. Well, I am living proof that that's not true.

Alex the Gofer [5.07]

 * Reverend Jim: Something terrible has just happened.
 * Tony: What?
 * Reverend Jim: I forgot why I am doing this.

Louie's Revenge [5.08]

 * Elaine: [to Louie] Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you... when most people only die.

Louie Moves Uptown [5.13]

 * Louie: Okay, who wants a really good cab today?
 * Reverend Jim: I do boss.
 * Louie: Good, I'm glad you do Iggy. You know the rules now.
 * Reverend Jim: Okie doke. How much do you want?
 * Louie: $48,000.
 * Reverend Jim: Okay, but if I'm gonna pay that kind of money I want a cab with a heater.

Jim's Mario's [5.21]

 * Reverend Jim: I bought Mario's. Signed the papers this morning and I've been running the place ever since.
 * Tony: Jim, Why Mario's?
 * Reverend Jim: You wouldn't believe what they were asking for Disney World.
 * Alex: Jim, Mario's has been on the skids for years. I mean mortuaries do better return business.

A Grand Gesture [5.22]

 * Latka: The tradition of my country forces me to protest.
 * Reverend Jim: Come on, take the money.
 * Latka: Oh I'll take the money, but first I have to protest. No! No! No! I won't take it. This is an insult! [takes the money] Thank you very much.

 * Alex: Jim, you give a thousand bucks to Louie De Palma, you better be there to see that he gives it to somebody. Otherwise, he's going to pocket that money himself and lie about it.
 * Reverend Jim: Will you do that?
 * Louie: Of course.

Cast

 * Judd Hirsch - Alex Reiger
 * Danny DeVito - Louis De Palma
 * Marilu Henner - Elaine Nardo
 * Tony Danza - Tony Banta
 * Jeff Conaway - Bobby Wheeler
 * Christopher Lloyd - Reverend Jim Ignatowski
 * Andy Kaufman - Latka Gravas
 * Carol Kane - Simka Gravas (née Dahblitz)
 * Randall Carver - John Burns

title: Taxi (TV series)


text:
Talk:Taxi (TV series)

= Unsourced quotes =
 * NOTE: These quotes need the episode from which they are taken before moving them to the oage.

Alex Reiger

 * One thing about being a cabbie is that you don't have to worry about being fired from a good job.
 * We're arguing because we care too much, and we're breaking up because we don't care enough.

 * [Alex sleeps with mechanic Latka's mother, then explains to fellow driver Elaine the next day]: I just couldn't help it. When we were alone, she turned into an animal - a great one.
 * [Trying to convince Louie not to antagonize Bobby] It's not hard to make people feel bad about their lives. What's hard is making people feel good about their lives.

Louis De Palma

 * I know what love is 'cuz' I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness!
 * Whenever I hear the word "marriage," I say, "Check, please!"
 * [Jim Ignatowski brings a racehorse he purchased to work with him.] Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!
 * [When a driver quits for a better opportunity] He'll be back. They all come back. There's only one person who ever made it out of this garage, and that was James Caan...and he'll be back!!
 * Some men climb mountains, others date 'em!
 * That dame is older than the continental shelf!

Jim Ignatowski

 * When I think of me, I smile.
 * Hey, Alex - You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day... you can always change the channel.
 * If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.
 * [On boxing] The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.
 * I wonder about things, like, if they call an orange an "orange", then why don't we call a banana a "yellow" or an apple a "red"? Blueberries, I understand. But will someone explain gooseberries to me?
 * [Reminiscing about Woodstock] I wore flowers in my hair and meditated for hours on end. I was finding God all over the place. He kept ditching me.
 * [Working as a door-to-door salesman, Jim reads from a written script.] Good afternoon, "Mr. and/or Mrs. Fill in Name of Couple." I'm "Fill in your name", but you can call me "Nickname."
 * [End of Jim's eulogy for his pet horse, Gary] In his heart he was still a 2 yr old. When your legs give out it's nice to have people around that understand what is in your heart.

Latka Gravas

 * [On numerous occasions, Latka has an automatic response, whether appropriate or not.] Thank you very much!

Tony Banta

 * [Latka has a multiple personality disorder, turning into a persona called Vic Ferrari for the first time.] It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heckle!

Dialogue

 * [Latka pays Louie with an unfamiliar coin.]
 * Louie: What's this?
 * Latka: It's a kebble.
 * Louie: What's a kebble?
 * Latka: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
 * Louie: What's a lithnich?
 * Latka: 270 lithnich make a matta.
 * Louie: What's a matta?
 * Latka: I don't know, what's the matter with you?

 * Louie: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo?
 * Alex: Yeah, two million years of evolution.

 * Bobby: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes?
 * Jim: Well, what did you decide?

 * Jim: You know, you really need to clean up those bathrooms.
 * Alex: You just came from the kitchen.
 * Jim: Thank God.

 * Alex: Jim, when are you finally going to have some pride and stand up for yourself?
 * Jim: August!

 * Jim: What did you win that trophy for?
 * Alex: For making a fool of myself.
 * Jim: Why doesn't anyone tell me about contests like that?

 * [Elaine learns that her friend got so intoxicated, she ended up sleeping with Louie.]
 * Elaine [to Louie]: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you...when most people only die.

 * Louie: What're you listening to, Banta?
 * Tony: I can be here if I want to.
 * Louie: No, you can't.
 * Tony: This is America, Louie.
 * Louie: No, it isn't.
 * Tony: It isn't?
 * Louie: No! This is 'Louieland'. You want America, go outside!

 * [Louie has an argument with his girlfriend.]
 * Zena Sherman: You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem...
 * Louie: What do you mean?
 * Zena: That's all you think about!
 * Louie: And that's the problem?
 * Zena: Yeah.
 * Louie: Whew!

 * Louie: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
 * Jim: He never was. He lives in Boston.
 * Louie: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
 * Jim: A condo in Palm Beach?

 * Louie: Ignatowski! Where have you been all week?
 * Jim: I don't work weekends.
 * Louie: You been gone nine days!
 * Jim: Yeah...
 * Tony: Jim, weekends are only two days.
 * Jim: Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.

 * Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
 * Elaine: A lot.
 * Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

 * Tony: You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
 * Jim: Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.

 * Jim: I went to Woodstock.
 * Bobby: Oh yeah? You went to Woodstock?
 * Jim: Yep, half a million people gathered together in peace and harmony, grooving to Joni and The Who. Hey, you know, if I hadn't gone, there would have only been 499,999 people. Lucky for them I went.

 * Joni Mitchell actually canceled her appearance at Woodstock; she later stated it was one of the biggest regrets of her life.

 * Alex: Jim, when I said you were a flake, I meant you'd done some weird things.
 * Jim: Name one.
 * Alex: You lived in a condemned building for five years.
 * Jim: You're confusing flakiness with style!
 * Alex: You kept a horse named Gary in your bedroom.
 * Jim [condescendingly]: Not everyone has a guest room, Alex.

 * [In a flashback, Latka explains to his mother why he wants to emigrate to America]
 * Latka: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
 * Greta Gravas: Who is O.J. Simpson?
 * Latka: The JUICE!

 * [The cabbies hire a hooker to marry Latka so he won't be deported.]
 * Vivian Harrow: Honey, I've been everything from Little Bo Peep to Darth Vader.

 * [Latka's prostitute "wife" leaves after the wedding ceremony.]
 * Latka: No honeymoon?
 * Alex: No, Latka.
 * Latka: Boy, America's a tough town!

 * [Louie reveals his mother needs an operation.]
 * Elaine: What's wrong with her?
 * Louie: Female problems - she's starting not to look like one.

 * Elaine: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?
 * Jim: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your castle, and your prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but....
 * Elaine: You are truly a sweet decent man.
 * Jim: Once there was a time when that was enough.

 * Louie: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office?
 * Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!

 * [While Tony is away, Bobby's neglect causes the deaths of his beloved goldfish.]
 * Alex: They're dead, Bobby. They're dead.
 * Bobby: Well, I guess it was just their time, huh?
 * Alex: Together?? At the same time?
 * Bobby: I don't know! Maybe it was one of those murder/suicide things.

 * [At work, Tony stops speaking to Bobby after the death of his goldfish.]
 * Bobby: Hey Tony, how much did you book?
 * [Tony ignores him.]
 * Louie: He booked $90, fish-killer.

 * [A woman cabbie and Latka are in a stalled cab during a blizzard. Latka takes off most of his clothes and gives them to her to keep her warm.]
 * Cindy Bates: It's very simple, Latka. Either you have sex with me, or you freeze to death.
 * Latka [contemplating]: Sex...death. Sex...death. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

 * [Due to a misunderstanding, Elaine is dating a man who is actually attracted to Tony. Alex advises Tony to tell him he has to be truthful with Elaine.]
 * Alex: I don't understand, why can't you do it?
 * Tony: I can't be alone with him! I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about!
 * Alex: He said that?
 * Tony [shrugging]: No, I'm just assuming.

 * Elaine [to Louie, who has entered the garage in an extremely upbeat mood]: Well, what are you so happy about?
 * Louie [happily]: Well, if you really wanna know...I had a big fight with my mother last night, and I really let her have it. She didn't know what hit her!
 * Alex: Well, congratulations, Louie -- you did a job on your mother. [In an announcer-type voice] Now, it's Miller time.

 * [Louie is uncomfortable with the idea of a Japanese man dating his mother.]
 * Louie: Have you ever known another woman?
 * Itsumi Fujimoto: Of course! I am eighty-three years old. Who hasn't known another woman at my age?
 * Louie: All right, don't bite my head off. [Stands up and calls across the restaurant] Ma, you can't marry this old geezer -- he's pillowed half the Orient!

 * [Tony seeks advice on how to break up with his possessive girlfriend.]
 * Tony: Alex, did you ever have to break up with a woman? What am I saying -- you was married. Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?
 * Alex: Yes, I remember what I said -- I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"

 * [Elaine receives a $100 tip from Mike Belden, played by Tom Selleck, after turning down his offer to spend the night together after an hours-long cab ride.]
 * Elaine: What would you have given me if I'd stayed the night?
 * Mike: Fond memories.
 * Louie [eavesdropping on the cab's radio]: You're better off with the hundred bucks.

 * [Tony is meeting with the Brennans, a wealthy couple with whom he is competing for custody of a disabled child, and brings Alex with him for moral support.]
 * Mrs. Brennan: So, Mr. Banta, what do you do for a living?
 * Tony: I'm a cab driver right now. But what I really want to do is become a prizefighter.
 * Mr. Brennan: And what about your friend, Mr. Reiger?
 * Tony: Alex is a cab driver too.
 * Mr. Brennan: Really? And what is it you really want to do?
 * Alex: Quit.

 * Alex [to Latka's mother]: Is this your first visit to New York?
 * Greta Gravas: Yes! Want to see everything -- garbage strike, blackout... urban blight!
 * Alex: I'll find out when the next tour is.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Talk:Taxi (TV series)