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Aaron Hill (writer)

Aaron Hill (10 February 1685 – 8 February 1750) was an English dramatist and miscellaneous writer.

Quotes

Mistake tuned nonsense for the poet's song! Provoking dulness!—what a soul has he Who fancies rhyme, and measure, poetry!— He thinks, profanely, that this generous art Stops at the ear—with power to shake the heart.
 * Yours is the guilt of all, who, judging wrong,
 * Advice to the Poets (1731), p. 32

 * O'er Nature's laws, God cast the veil of night, Out blaz'd a Newton's soul — and all was light.
 * Preserved in Hill's Works (1753), Vol. IV, p. 92, and mentioned as probably derived from Alexander Pope's "Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night: God said, Let Newton be! — and all was light" in The Epigrammatists: A Selection from the Epigrammatic Literature of Ancient, Mediæval, and Modern Times (1875) by Henry Philip Dodd, p. 329.

 * Courage is poorly housed that dwells in numbers; the lion never counts the herd that are about him, nor weighs how many flocks he has to scatter.
 * As quoted in The Golden Treasury of Thought: A gathering of quotations from the best ancient and modern authors (1873) edited by John Camden Hotten.

 * But me no buts.
 * Snake in the Grass, sc. 1.

 * Tender-handed stroke a nettle, And it stings you for your pains; Grasp it like a man of mettle, And it soft as silk remains. ’Tis the same with common natures: Use ’em kindly, they rebel; But be rough as nutmeg-graters, And the rogues obey you well.
 * Verses Written on a Window in Scotland.

Zara (1735)

 * You talk no more of that gay nation now, Where men adore their wives, and woman's power Draws reverence from a polished people's softness, Their husbands' equals, and their lovers' queens; Free without scandal; wise without restraint; Their virtue due to nature, not to fear.
 * Selima, Act I, Sc. 1.

 * Joys, which we do not know, we do not wish.
 * Zara, Act I, Sc. 1.

 * Can my fond heart, on such a feeble proof, Embrace a faith, abhorred by him I love? I see too plainly custom forms us all; Our thoughts, our morals, our most fixed belief, Are consequences of our place of birth: Born beyond Ganges, I had been a Pagan; In France, a Christian; I am here a Saracen: 'Tis but instruction, all! Our parents' hand Writes on our heart the first faint characters, Which time, re-tracing, deepens into strength, That nothing can efface, but death or Heaven.
 * Zara, Act I, Sc. 1.

 * First, then, a woman will or won’t, depend on ’t; If she will do ’t, she will; and there ’s an end on ’t. But if she won’t, since safe and sound your trust is, Fear is affront, and jealousy injustice.
 * Epilogue (1735). Note: The following lines are copied from the pillar erected on the mount in the Dane John Field, Canterbury:
 * Where is the man who has the power and skill To stem the torrent of a woman’s will? For if she will, she will, you may depend on ’t; And if she won’t, she won’t; so there ’s an end on ’t. The Examiner, (31 May 1829).

Alzira: A Tragedy (1736)

 * Reason gains all men, by compelling none. Mercy was always Heaven's distinguished mark: And he, who bears it not, has no friend there.
 * Don Alvarez in Act I, Sc. 1; also misquoted as "Reason gains all people by compelling none."

 * Youth is ever apt to judge in haste, And lose the medium in the wild extreme, Do not repent, but regulate your passion: Though love is reason, its excess is rage. Give me, at least, your promise to reflect, In cool, impartial solitude, and still. No last decision till we meet again.
 * Don Alvarez in Act IV, Scene 1.

title: Aaron Hill (writer)


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Talk:Mary Poppins (film)

Cleanup tag explanation: This still doesn't follow the film template. Changes needed include: properly formatted intro, removal of quote marks, the use of bullets and half-width divders (in the dialogue section). The character headers should only be promoted one level as well.~ UDScott 14:41, 24 February 2006 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Talk:Mary Poppins (film)


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User talk:198.170.183.237

When people are not interested in responsibly contributing to the development of Wikiquote incidents of their deliberate vandalism can result in IP addresses being blocked from editing. ~ Kalki 16:24, 24 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:198.170.183.237


text:
User talk:208.6.1.202

~ UDScott 18:17, 24 February 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:208.6.1.202


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User talk:168.190.200.39

Thanks for experimenting with Wikiquote. Your test worked, and has now been reverted or removed. Please use Sandbox for any other tests you want to do, since testing in articles will normally be reverted quickly. Please see the welcome page if you would like to learn more about contributing to our compendium of quotations. Thanks. ~ UDScott 18:32, 24 February 2006 (UTC)

Please stop adding nonsense to Wikiquote, as you did to George H. W. Bush. It is considered vandalism. If you would like to experiment, use the sandbox. —LrdChaos (talk) 15:00, 7 November 2006 (UTC)

- InvisibleSun 17:34, 6 December 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:168.190.200.39


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Memoirs of a Geisha (film)

Memoirs of a Geisha is a 2005 film about Sayuri, a geisha working in "Miyako" (referring to Kyoto, not Miyako City) before and after World War II.
 * ''Directed by Rob Marshall. Written by Arthur Golden and Robin Swicord.

Narrator (Sayuri as an elderly woman)

 * A story like mine should never be told. For my world is as forbidden as it is fragile; without its mysteries it cannot survive.
 * At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss", carved into the stone. It has three words...but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read "Loss"... Only feel it.
 * The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves... Until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains.
 * It is not for Geisha to want. It is not for Geisha to feel. Geisha is an artist of the floating world. She dances. She sings. She entertains you. Whatever you want. The rest is shadows. The rest is secret.
 * My mother always said my sister Satsu was like wood; as rooted to the earth as a sakura tree. But she told me I was like water. Water can carve its way even through stone...and when trapped, water makes a new path...
 * Your honorable sister says, "Cut your leg," you cut your leg. She says, "Follow me," you follow her. My life had turned into a game, and only she knew the rules.
 * A year without news, except news of death. Rumors of cities evaporating into clouds of smoke. And then another year, and another. Nothing. Rice...work...rice...work. Nothing.
 * I could be her. Were we so different? She loved once. She hoped once. I might be looking into my own future. Until the real future came falling from the air... [referring to the war]
 * Now I understood the thing I´d overlooked; the point wasn't to become a geisha but to be one. To become a geisha...well, that was hardly a purpose in life. But to be a geisha... I could see it now as a stepping-stone to something else.
 * To a man, Geisha can only be half a wife. We are the wives of nightfall. And yet to learn of kindness, after so much unkindness... To understand that a little girl with more courage than she knew, would find that her prayers were answered...can that not be called happiness? After all, these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind.

Mameha

 * Remember Chiyo, geisha are not courtesans, and we're not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty. The very word "geisha" means artist, and to be a geisha is to be judged as a moving work of art.
 * You cannot call yourself a true geisha until you can stop a man in his tracks with a single look.
 * We don't become geisha to pursue our own destinies. We become geisha because we have no choice.
 * No man would ever bid so much for a thing he had already taken.
 * Water is always in such a hurry. Perhaps it is just as well - we have no time to lose.

Chairman

 * None of us find as much kindness in this life, as we should.
 * [When he first meets Chiyo by the river] Where did you come by such surprising eyes?
 * Smile for me, won't you?
 * I owe Nobu my life. So, when I saw he had a chance at happiness with you, I stood aside and... But I cannot any longer. I hope it is not too late.

President Nobu

 * Three things matter in life... sumo, business, and war. Understand one, you know them all. But why should a Geisha care? You spend your time plucking strings and dancing.
 * I do not like things held up before me that I cannot have.

Sayuri

 * Not every geisha uses that kind of currency.
 * I humbly beg to differ. What is sumo but a dance between giants? What is business but a dance between companies? I would like to know about every kind of dance.
 * I see now why you like Sumo, you can never judge a man's power by his appearance alone.
 * I want a life that is mine!
 * Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge has been to bring myself closer to you.
 * The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hope like leaves. Until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains.

Hatsumomo

 * Besides, who wants a plum when someone has already had a bite?
 * A pity she still stinks of fish.
 * Why can't you be quiet?
 * Stay out of my room. I can't have you touching my things.
 * I can just hear my General now. "Why Hatsumomo. You used to smell of jasmine... What's this new perfume...? Blowfish?"
 * At least you don't smell as bad as your sister. You know, she was here.
 * You're just jealous somebody cares for me!
 * It's that kimono. She remembers how you destroyed it. Now, she wants to get even.
 * I shall destroy you.
 * Why Sayuri...look what I found. You've been hiding your love for a long time... The sacrifice every geisha must make!
 * [as Mother mocks her relationship with Koichi, about to call her a common prostitute] Don't say it!

Mother

 * Doctor is very expensive. You seem to be racking up quite a debt. Kimono, destroyed. Geisha school, rice and pickles, train ticket, Mr. Bekku, all of this, on top of the money I paid Mr. Tanaka. And for what? And now I hear your sister has run away! She didn't wait for you, and now she can never come back. You must forget you ever had a sister. We are your only family now.
 * These country girls. Too late to send her back now.
 * [To Hatsumomo] Don't exaggerate! You have never even found a danna. You chose that no-good Koichi. Sneaking through your window at all hours of the night. Not like a geisha, like a common prostitute.
 * [On the phone] Do you think I am a sucker?
 * Hurry up! [chuckling] You're not making money standing there gawking at yourself!

Auntie

 * Only reason Mother tolerates Hatsumomo is because she brings in good money. Never forget, it is Hatsumomo who pays for your supper, the clothes on your back. By the time she was twenty, she had already earned back her purchase price! Unheard of! She has been the talk of the hanamachi ever since.
 * Geisha needs an elegant wardrobe, just like an artist needs ink. If she is not properly dressed, then she is not a true geisha.
 * [Sparking flint behind Sayuri] For luck!

Dialogue

 * Chairman: He would never tell you himself; he is far too modest. We were fighting in Manchuria together. There was an explosion. He protected me from the worst of it. As you might imagine, I owe him quite a debt. Nobu has taught me a great deal - patience, for example. And I in turn have tried to teach him: you have to savor life while you can.
 * Sayuri: The lesson of the cherry blossom!
 * Chairman: That is why Nobu likes you. We must not expect happiness, Sayuri. It is not something we deserve. When life goes well, it is a sudden gift; it cannot last forever!

 * Hatsumomo: "Sayuri"... A name as sweet as she is! I'm afraid these days even a common chambermaid can call herself a geisha. So, it's nice to see such a sincere young maiko, isn't it?
 * General: [laughing]: Why yes!
 * Mameha: [to Sayuri]: Surely you would like to thank Hatsumomo for her gracious compliments?
 * Sayuri: There is so much I would like to say to Hatsumomo.
 * Hatsumomo: Sometimes, the smartest remark is silence.
 * Sayuri: What better advice to follow than your own?
 * Mameha: Sayuri...
 * Hatsumomo: Ah, a maiko. I was one myself, once.
 * Sayuri: Of course... But it's been such a very long, long...long, long...time. [Everyone laughs]

 * Baron: If there had been any tea in that pot, I believe Sayuri would have gotten it out! [other men laugh]
 * Mameha: Don't tease, Baron. It is her very first time.

 * Mameha: Now that your beloved Granny is gone, you have no need for a maid.
 * Mother: I would never question the great Mameha. But...you could choose anyone in the hanamachi!
 * Mameha: [laughing]: You flatter me.
 * Mother: I'd give you my Pumpkin, if she were not already tied to Hatsumomo.
 * Mameha: Please, I'd never dream of asking.
 * Mother: Besides, I could always sell Chiyo to Mrs. Tatsuyo...
 * Mameha: With your eye for beauty and nose for talent, surely you can see what a terrible waste that would be?
 * Mother: If you were not the kind-hearted geisha I know you to be, then I might think you were scheming against Hatsumomo!
 * Mameha: Then I'm grateful that you don't have a suspicious mind, Mrs. Nitta.
 * Mother: Perhaps you could pique my interest with...
 * Mameha: Yes?
 * Mother: Your offer.
 * Mameha: [pauses]: I will cover Chiyo's schooling, and all of her expenses, until after her debut.
 * Mother: Now I am certain, you are teasing.
 * Mameha: I could not be more sincere. If Chiyo has not repaid her debt within six months after her debut...
 * Mother: Impossible! Too little time!
 * Mameha: Then I will pay you twice over.
 * Mother: What...? [pause] Why...no geisha could ever...!
 * Mameha: I am sure you will not object to one trivial condition?
 * Mother: Yes?
 * Mameha: If Chiyo erases her debt in the time allowed... you will have no part in her future earnings.

 * Mother: It's too good to be true. Mameha is up to something.
 * Auntie: She isn't in it for the money, that much is for certain. Rumor has it, ever since the prime minister bought her mizuage, she's been rich!
 * Mother: That so? Absurd to think she noticed Chiyo!
 * Hatsumomo: It's that kimono. She remembers how you destroyed it. Now, she wants to get even.
 * Mother: An odd picture, isn't it? Hatsumomo sweeping to teahouse after teahouse with our little Pumpkin, and Mameha with our maid!

Cast

 * Zhang Ziyi - Sayuri
 * Suzuka Ohgo - Chiyo (Sayuri as a young girl)
 * Shizuko Hoshi - Narrator (Sayuri as an elderly woman, voice only)
 * Michelle Yeoh - Mameha
 * Ken Watanabe - Chairman Iwamura
 * Kôji Yakusho - President Nobu

title: Memoirs of a Geisha (film)


text:
Talk:Gordon Brown

Surely this isn't correct?

quotes from "red paper on scotland", 1975
'The irresistable march of recent events places Scotland today at a turning point - not of our own choosing but where a choice must sooner or later be made. A resurgent nationalism which forces onto the agenda the most significant constitutional decisions since the Act of Union is one aspect of what even the "Financial Times" has described as "a revolt of rising expectations". But the proliferation of industrial unrest and the less publicised mushrooming of community action also bears witness to the sheer enormity of the gap now growing between people's conditions of living and their legitimate aspirations.'

[...]'Scotland's real problems - our unstable economy and unacceptable level of unemployment, chronic inequalities of wealth and power and inadequate social services'

[...]'Who shall exercise power and control the lives of our people? How can we harness our material resources and social energies to meet the needs of five million people and more? What social structure can guarantee to people the maximum control and self management over the decisions which affect their lives, allowing the planned co-ordination of the use and distribution of resources, in a co-operative community of equals?'

[...]'Scotland's social condition and political predicament cries out for a new commitment to socialist ideals, policies and action emerging from a far reaching analysis of economy and society; a bringing together of the many positive insights, responses, and analyses to break through the deliberate separation of issues and the consequent fragmentation of people's consciousness; and a searching for the new social vision for Scotland which begins from people's potentials, is sensitive to cultural needs, and is humane, democratic and revolutionary.'

[...] 'transcend that false and sterile antithesis which has been manufactured between the nationalism of the SNP and the anti-nationalism of the Unionist parties, by concentrating on the fundamental realities of inequality and irresponsible social control, of private power and an inadequate democracy. For when the question of freedom for Scotland is raised, we must ask: freedom for whom? From what? For what?'

[...]'The social and economic problems confronting Scotland arise not from national suppression nor from London mismanagement (although we have had our share of both) but from the uneven and uncontrolled development of capitalism and the failure of successive governments to challenge and transform it. Thus we cannot hope to resolve such problems merely by recovering a lost independence or through inserting another tier of government: what is required is planned control of our economy and a transformation of democracy at all levels.

'We suggest that the real resources of Scotland are not the reserves of oil beneath the sea (nor the ingenuity of native entrepreneurs) but the collective energies and potential of our people whose abilities and capacities have been stultified by a social system which has for centuries sacrificed social aspirations to private ambitions. It is argued that what appear to be contradictory features of Scottish life today - militancy and apathy, cynicism and a thirst for change - can best be understood as working people's frustration with and refusal to accept powerlessness and lack of control over blind social forces which determine their lives. It is a disenchantment which underlines an untapped potential for co-operative action upon which we must build.

'The vision of the early socialists was a society which had abolished for ever the dichotomy - the split personality caused by people's unequal control over their social development - between man's personal and collective existence, by substituting communal co-operation for the divisive forces of competition. Today the logic of present economic development, in inflation and stagnation, and at the same time the demand for the fullest use of material resources, makes it increasingly impossible to manage the economy both for private profit and the needs of society as a whole.

'Yet the longstanding paradox of Scottish politics has been the surging forward of working class industrial and political pressure (and in particular the loyal support given to Labour) and its containment through the accumulative failures of successive Labour Governments.

'More than fifty years ago socialism was a qualitative concept, an urgently felt moral imperative, about social control (and not merely state control or more or less equality). Today for many it means little more than a scheme for compensating the least fortunate in an unequal society. We suggest that the rise of modern Scottish nationalism is less an assertion of Scotland's performance as a nation than a response to Scotland's uneven development - in particular to the gap between people's experiences as part of an increasingly demoralised Great Britain and their (oil-fired) expectations at a Scottish level. Thus, the discontent is a measure of the failure of both Scottish and British socialists to advance far and fast enough in shifting the balance of wealth and power to working people and in raising people's awareness - especially outside the central belt of Scotland where inequalities are greater - about the co-operative possibilities for modern society.

[...]'A Planned Economy [...] necessity for social control of the institutional investors who wield enormous financial power both in fostering privilege in our social security system and in controlling the economy [...] public control of banks, insurances and pensions companies, could have a two-sided effect: creating greater social justice in the social services and providing substantial resources for industrial development'

[...]'Such a policy could be enacted without compensation and would in itself constitute a major erosion of the power of the British upper class. Public control to end the manipulative stranglehold of the monopolies would require a strategy to end the power of the British, American and European multinationals over the Scottish and British economies and in the event would require controls over foreign investment and trade, accepting a disengagement from a committment to the free movement of capital in Europe.'

[...]'Worker's Power [...]the demand for the economy to be directed according to people's needs requires that the need for meaningful work be prioritised'

[...] 'That involves a new and creative relationship between work, education and leisure which breaks down the existing division of mental and manual labour and the extention of self management at the workplace. What has often been cited as the irreconciliable clash in socialist theory between regulating material production according to human needs and the principle of eliminating the exploitative domination of man over man can only be met through producers controlling the organisation of the productive process.

'Thus it is precisely the surging forward of demands by trade unionists for real control over the decisions affecting their livelihood that will be the departure point for socialists [...] Workers' control on an international scale is clearly an alternative to nationalism [...] we would be wrong to underestimate the experience and the education which has led particularly the industrial workers of Scotland to reject implicitly if not explicitly the values of a capitalist society.'

[...]The Way Forward [...] 'There are as many Scottish roads to Socialism as there are predictions of Britain's economic doom - but most of them demand three things: a coherant plan for an extension of democracy and control in society and industry which sees every reform as a means to creating a socialist society; a harnessing of the forces for industrial and community self-management within a political movement; and a massive programme of education by the Labour Movement as a whole.

Gramsci's relevance to Scotland today is in his emphasis that in a society which is both mature and complex, where the total social and economic processes are geared to maintaining the production of goods and services (and the reproduction of the conditions of production), then the transition to socialism must be made by the majority of the people themselves and a socialist society must be created within the womb of existing society and prefigured in the movements for democracy at the grass roots. Socialists must neither place their faith in an Armageddon or of capitalist collapse nor in nationalisation alone. For the Jacobin notion of a vanguard making revolution on behalf of working people relates to a backward society (and prefigures an authoritarian and bureaucratic state), then the complexity of modern society requires a far reaching movement of people and existing conditions and as a co-ordinator for the assertion of social priorities by people at a community level and control by producers at an industrial level. In such a way political power will become a synthesis of - not a substitute for - community and industrial life.

This requires from the Labour Movement in Scotland today a postive commitment to creating a socialist society, a coherant strategy with rhythm and modality to each reform to cancel the logic of capitalism and a programme of immediate aims which leads out of one social order into another. Such a social reorganisation - a phased extension of public control under workers' sustained and enlarged, would in EP Thompson's words lead to "a crisis not of despair and disintegration but a crisis in which the necessity for a peaceful revolutionary transition to an alternative socialist logic became daily more evident."

But the dynamic must come from the existing layer of thousands of committed socialists in Scotland today, firstly through a more obviously democratic and accessible Labour Movement co-ordinating its work with the trade unions (beginning with factory branches) and with street committees, and secondly, through a concerted programme of political education. The early Scottish socialists believed that the bridge between their utopian ideals and the practical politics under which people suffered must be built in a massive programme of education and propaganda. Today in Scotland we have no daily or weekly specifically Scottish political newspapers, no socialist book club, no socialist labour college, no workers' university, and only a handful of socialist magazines and pamphlets. We need all of these now.

It is only within a reinvigorated socialist strategy that we can appreciate the possibilities of existing and proposed structures of government. Devolution has been all things to all people - the halfway house between Westminster rule and a Scottish independence that will take us from rigs to riches; the insertion of a sixth tier of government which threatens to make us the most overgoverned country in Europe; and a fundamental extension of democracy whose every detail is of prime concern and importance

[...] The question is not how men and women can be fitted to the needs of the system - but how the system can be fitted to the needs of men and women

[...] Scotland's socialist pioneers, Hardie, Smillie, Maxton, Maclean, Gallacher, Wheatley and others, knew that socialism would not be won until people were convinced of the necessity for social control. The Scottish Labour movement is uniquely placed today to convert the present discontent into a demand for socialism: we will fail only if we ignore the challenge.'

These passages were quoted here, I have been unable to verify their authenticity as I do not posses a copy of the book, but I believe it to be legit.

 * Can you cut it down a bit? It's quite a long quote. Fys. “Ta fys aym”. 14:54, 23 April 2007 (UTC)

are you refering to the above, which i plonked here because i thought it might be helpful, or to the quote that i put in the actual article? I realise that it comprises three paragraphs... what do you think Fys?

title: Talk:Gordon Brown


text:
Grounded for Life

Grounded for Life (2001-2005) is an American television sitcom set in an Irish neighborhood of Staten Island, New York and is about the comedic interplay of the Irish Catholic Finnerty family.

Lily B. Good [1.1]

 * Henry: Dad said we couldn't get a cable box, they're too expensive.
 * Eddie: Your dad and I live in two different worlds.
 * Jimmy: Uncle Eddie, it's stolen isn't it?
 * Eddie: 'Stolen' would be a word from your dad's world.

 * [referring to Sean throwing chicken at a car when he sees Brad and Lily making out in it]
 * Claudia: [giggles]
 * Sean: It's not funny! I didn't know what else to do.
 * Claudia: How is throwing chicken even an option?!

 * Claudia: Walt, why are my children on a chain gang?
 * Walt: I am teaching these boys how to dig a hole
 * Sean: Why?
 * Walt: A good hole can serve a boy in a lot of ways. It helps them focus, lets them sweat, and makes them appreciate a warm bed at night.
 * Claudia: How much is there to teach about a hole?
 * Walt: That's the kind of attitude that leads to substandard holes.

 * Sean: Well there was more than just chicken.
 * Claudia: Biscuits?
 * Sean: NO, no.
 * Eddie: So you still have the biscuits?
 * Sean: No, there were no biscuits! I'm talking about an additional incident.
 * Eddie: I can't believe you didn't get biscuits, they come with the chicken.
 * Sean: I didn't get any biscuits! Look I went out to get a bucket of chicken, I got a bucket of chicken.
 * Eddie: You would have had to specifically asked them to leave the biscuits out!

In My Room

 * [in Christina's room]

 * Christina: Hey, Lily, this is weird, you're online.
 * Lily: No, I'm not.
 * Christina: Yes, you are. Your screen name just popped up on my buddy list, see?
 * Lily: No way! Uh, somebody signed on with my name!
 * Christina: No!
 * Lily: Yes! Send them an instant message. "Lily, what are you doing?"
 * Christina: They're not answering.
 * Lily: Type "Are you there?" This is so freaking me out!
 * Christina: Totally!

 * [person on lily's screen name types 'Yes...just hanging around...you know, just keeping it fresh.']

 * Christina: Yes, just hanging around, you know, just keeping it fresh?
 * Lily: [furious] Oh, my God. It's my dad.
 * Christina: How do you know?
 * Lily: It's him.

 * [flashback]

 * Neighbor: How's it goin' Mr. Finnerty?
 * Sean: Ah, you know, keepin' it fresh.
 * Lily: Did he really say keeping it fresh?
 * Claudia: [shaking head] I'll talk to him.

 * [end flash back]

 * Christina: Should we sign off?
 * Lily: No, move over.

 * Walt: Back in my day we used to play Cowboys and Indians. Of course that was when you were allowed to say Indian.  You can't say Indian anymore.
 * Henry: I'm not allowed to say bite me.
 * Jimmy: Hey! Watch your Mouth!
 * Henry: Bite me, Indian!

I Wanna Be Suspended

 * Sean: Hey, Lily, you liked the Ramones, didn't you?
 * Lily: Well, the music was good, but I kept worrying they were gonna die.

Devil with a Plaid Skirt

 * Preacher: Have you tried talking to Jimmy about this?
 * Sean: Oh, I tried, but it kind of backfired.

 * [flash back]

 * Sean: See, Jimmy, you're not possessed by Satan because...there is no Satan!

 * [Henry looks up devilishly,scene cuts to school]

 * Henry: [talking to a large group of classmates] My dad says there's no such thing as Satan, which means there's no such thing as hell, which means you can pretty much do what ever you want, so go right ahead. [complete anarchy ensues]

 * [end flashback]

 * Preacher: And you wonder why Sister Helen has it in for your family?
 * Sean: Out! She has it out for our family. And i couldn't have forseen that!

Action Mountain High

 * Sean: You know, hearing it out loud makes me realize I'm the worst dad in the world
 * Claudia: Please. You're not even the worst dad in the house.
 * (Walt glares)

 * Claudia: How do two fourteen year old girls even get from Staten Island to the middle of New Jersey?
 * Walt: Well, if their fathers have achieved a basic level of competence, they don't get there.
 * Sean: Dad, I don't need your help.
 * Walt: No, of course not, just let it play out. At some point, the state'll intervene.

 * Lily: You have literally pushed me off a cliff! You have literally pushed me to my death! I am literally dying. I am literally dead from embarrassment because of you!
 * Sean: Lily, you really need to look up the definition of the word 'literally'.
 * Lily: I am literally going insane!
 * Sean: Alright! Good usage!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

 * Eddie: (about Sean) He looks like a drunk bear.

 * Lily: You buy stuff for Jimmy and Henry all the time. How many freaking Pokemon are there?
 * Sean: A hundred and fifty five. Can you hand me the socket wrench?
 * Lily: Get Pikachu to hand it to you.
 * Sean: Sure. Go for the obvious one!

Like a Virgin

 * Claudia (to Lily): Friends don't let friends drive naked!

 * Sean (to Lily): You just sexually harassed a waiter with your mom! How cool is that?

 * Sean: Eddie, where the hell did you get 150 dollars cash?
 * Eddie: I don't ask you where you get your money.
 * Sean: I got a job.
 * Eddie: I didn't ask.

Devil's Haircut

 * Lily: (to Eddie about the No Doubt tickets) How did you get them?
 * Eddie: I know a guy.
 * Lily: You always know a guy. How many guys do you know?
 * Eddie: I know about 75 guys.

 * Lily: Eddie got me 4 tickets to the No Doubt concert.
 * Claudia: Oh, that's great.
 * Lily: No, you don't understand. It's amazing! It's totally sold out and it's in a tiny club. It'll be like they're in our house.
 * Claudia: That is amazing!
 * Lily: No, you don't understand. It's incredible. It's a benefit concert, only 300 people will be there, and me & my friends will be 4 of them.
 * Claudia: It's incredible!
 * Lily: No! It's genius!
 * Claudia: I know!
 * Lily: Oh forget, you'll never understand.

Eddie's Dead

 * Sean (to Eddie): It's hard to find people like that, people who like you.
 * Eddie: Yeah, she's one in a million. I have to get rid of her.

 * Walt: (about Eddie fabricating his death) Wait, was this about four months ago?
 * Sean: Uh-huh.
 * Walt: Cause people kept coming up to me and saying they felt sorry for me, but I thought they just meant in general.

Catch Us If You Can

 * (While Sean, Eddie, Jimmy & Henry are running from an angry mob)
 * Jimmy: I can't keep running, Dad!
 * Sean: You've got to!
 * Eddie: I just got hit with a snow cone!
 * Jimmy: We're all gonna die!
 * Eddie: I hate snow cones!

 * Claudia (to Walt): Walt, what are you eating?
 * Walt: Fruit Roll-up. They're not bad.
 * Claudia: Those are edible panties.
 * Walt: What? Oh dear God! I've got to go to church. (leaves the house)

Jimmy's Got a Gun

 * Eddie (to Lily): Uniforms are a major thing for guys.
 * Lily: Oh, great. The only uniform I get to wear is a Catholic school uniform. What guys is gonna like that?

 * Officer (to Eddie): Aren't you that guy?
 * Eddie: No, it wasn't me.
 * Officer: You look just like---
 * Eddie: I got that kinda face! I look like a lot of people who aren't me.

Jimmy Was Kung-Fu Fighting

 * Lily (explaining why she got her tongue pierced): They were making fun of me. I had to make myself cool again.
 * Walt: Well, why stop with your tongue? Put a bolt through your neck, you'll be queen of the prom.

 * Sean (to Henry): Hey buddy, we had a rule in this house, okay? We don't eat from the garbage.
 * Henry: You never told me about that.
 * Claudia: We-we didn't think we had to, honey. It's-it's like drinking out of the toilet.
 * Henry: Oh, great. Another rule.

Loser

 * Henry: Hey, Reynolds! Do you know what the T in T-Birds stands for?... THE LOSER!!! HA!

Mrs. Finnerty, You've Got a Lovely Daughter

 * Claudia (about Lily): What can you do to cheer her up?
 * Eddie: I'm gonna take a section of an orange peel, put it in my mouth, and act like a monster.
 * Sean: No thanks.
 * Eddie: It makes all my friends laugh.
 * Sean: Your friends are all baked.
 * Eddie: That doesn't mean they're not a deserving audience!

 * Eddie: What did Lily do? Did she tear up a picture of the pope or something?
 * Claudia: No.
 * Eddie: Good. Cause that's been done.

 * Jimmy (as he watches Lily & her friends perform "Big Spender"): I don't know why, but I want to give that one my allowance.

Love Child

 * Jimmy (to Lily): What's the matter with you?
 * Lily: I just found out I'm a bastard.
 * Henry: Don't worry, Dad says his boss is too.

 * Claudia (to Eddie): You slept with her, didn't you?
 * Eddie: I just met her yesterday.
 * Claudia: So?
 * Eddie: It was just once.

Baby, You Can't Drive My Car

 * Sean (about Lily): Only three more years...
 * Claudia: Til she goes away to college?
 * Sean: No. Until she can be tried as an adult.

 * (After finding out Brad took the car)
 * Jimmy: He's the last person I'd suspect!
 * Claudia: Yeah, he's so nice!
 * Henry: Plus, he's such a doofus.

 * Lily: This is why I don't tell you things, cuz you over react!
 * Sean: I am not over-reacting. The appropriate reaction would be to swing you around by your hair!

 * Walt (to Brad): We're just gonna go have a little sit-down with your old man.
 * Brad: He's gonna kick my ass!
 * Walt: That salad shooter? He doesn't have the stones.
 * Brad: I don't know what that means.
 * Walt: I'll explain it to you on the way out.

Dream On

 * Walt (to Sean): You gotta learn to control your frustrations.
 * Sean: This from the man who spent half his life screaming at appliances.
 * Walt: I was hoping for more from you.

 * (When Walt pours some Apple Cider for himself and Henry)
 * Henry: This tastes funny.
 * Walt: Whoa! This cider's turned
 * Henry: Turned into what?
 * Walt: Into grown up cider.
 * Henry: I don't like it.
 * Walt: Well, that's good because we have a family history of liking it.

Smoke on the Daughter

 * Sean: Ooh, an armoire.
 * Claudia: That's what they call it.
 * Sean: (in French accent) Oh, then we should buy this "armoire"' and put it in the "boudoir" next to the "toilette". Ooh-la-la.

I Saw Daddy Hitting Santa Claus

 * Eddie: A goat and a sheep, that could be dangerous. They could spawn a hybrid creature with the strength of a goat and the cunning of a sheep.

Let's Talk About Sex, Henry

 * Sean: I don't want Henry thinking "sexuality" is a dirty word.
 * Walt: What are you talking about? It is the mother of all dirty words. All the other dirty words come from it.
 * Eddie: I can think of one that doesn't. Oh no, that links up too.

 * Sean (about Henry): Why'd they put him in 219? He's not a problem kid.
 * Eddie: We weren't problem kids. We just marched to a different drummer.
 * Claudia: You were in 219?
 * Eddie: I started 219.
 * Claudia: Sean, I don't want my baby in 219.
 * Sean: You think I do?
 * Eddie: I became a man in 219.

 * Eddie (to Held Back Kid): Hey, that's a nice tattoo. Did you do that yourself?
 * Held Back Kid: Yeah.
 * Eddie: Why are you so into "Satin"?
 * Held Back Kid: It says "Satan."
 * Eddie: You don't win the spelling bees, do you?

Don't Fear the Reefer

 * Sean (to Claudia): Why do you keep your bridesmaid dresses?
 * Claudia: They're expensive!
 * Sean: Well, so is pot!
 * Claudia: Yes, but I'm not worried the kids are going to find them.
 * Sean: Aren't you forgetting something?
 * (Flashback to Henry bouncing on a bed in a dress)
 * Henry: I'm a lady! (blows a kiss)

 * Claudia (to Sean): Be careful!
 * Sean: Oh, thank you! That's the one thing I forgot, to be careful with a saw thirty feet up in the air.
 * Claudia: You're welcome. When you go to the hospital, make sure you bring your arm.

 * Dan (to Sean): The ham's getting COLD and the beer's getting WARM.
 * Sean: Then why don't you try wrapping your HAM around your BEER! (goes inside)
 * Dan: That might work!

Take It to the Limit

 * Lily: Yeah! Well...I read somewhere that compulsive shopping was a disease!
 * Sean: Cholera is a disease. Compulsive shopping is something a 16 year-old does when she wants to look cute for a party and someone gives her a credit card.
 * [Sean turns to face Claudia]

 * Sean: Hello, Rochelle? No, I do not want to give you my account number and I shall tell you why: because I have already keyed it in three times and given it to several different people including a Beth, a José, and someone who was really rude to me named Kevin. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we are SICK of having to call something in and key in the number and then being asked what the number was we keyed in before! Alright? So why don't you get a piece of paper - have you heard of that? And a pen AND WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN!

 * Claudia: Your dad is gonna freak when he sees his car....Th-th-that car reeks.
 * Sean: Yeah, my dad works in a dump, if he had a sense of smell, he'd be dead by now.

Swearin' to God

 * Eddie: Hey! I was in the ScienceNauts!
 * Sean: Oh yea, I remember.

 * [flash back]

 * Nun: Edward, Last month the school's electricity bill was extremely high, and I have yet to see one tomato!
 * [Eddie and two other boys are standing around marijuana plants.]

 * Eddie: Don't worry, Sister, I think I see one budding.
 * [end flash back]

 * Walt: How come I never got one of those tomatoes?

Henry's Been Working for the Drug Squad

 * Claudia: Sean, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go to hell.
 * Sean: That is not the expression!

 * Henry: They gave me this badge!
 * Sean: OH, wow! You're an official Anti-Druglord.
 * Henry: Yes, I am, and I'm putting you in my under observation file.
 * Sean: Okay, you do that. (Henry walks out indicating he'll keep his eyes on Sean) Narc.

Tonight's the Night

 * Lily: [to Sean] Your condom machine's broken.

 * Henry: I thought that symbol on the bathroom door was a man with his shirt tucked out.

 * Brad: The stuff that you wanted Dean to say? Was it... you know, like, the way you look when you're happy about something?
 * Lily: What do you mean?
 * Brad: When you smile, it's like... it's like your eyes are smiling, too.
 * Lily: Yeah, that would've been okay.
 * Brad: Or how... when that storm knocked that nest out of that tree, you went and got a ladder and put it back, even though you're totally afraid of heights.
 * Lily: [sitting next to Brad] You saw that?
 * Brad: My dad locks me out a lot. You know, he could've said something about how, you know when you take a sip from the water fountain at school? You always use both your fingers to push your hair behind your ear. [Demonstrates] Like that. Anyone who pays attention knows there's a million nice things they could say about you.
 * [Lily kisses him]
 * Brad: [shocked] What did you do that for?
 * Lily: I guess it was too hard not to.

Your Father Should Know (1)

 * Eddie (to Sean): Why is there a plastic angel covered with blood on the sidewalk?
 * Sean: It's not covered with blood. It's just got droplets of blood on it.
 * Eddie: Oh. Why is there a plastic angel with droplets of blood on it on the sidewalk?
 * Sean: It fell off the roof.
 * Eddie: And it started bleeding?
 * Sean: No, it hit Brad O'Keefe in the nose.

 * Brad (to Lily): Your dad's gonna kill me!
 * Lily: Well, maybe if you hadn't told your dad, none of this would've happened!
 * Brad: I didn't mean to, it just slipped out! He was giving me a driving lesson and it wasn't going well.
 * Lily: Is that when you almost ran over the dog?
 * Brad: Yeah. And my dad said I was such an idiot and even if I ever did get a girlfriend, I'd probably run over her dog, too, so I... just told him.
 * Lily: And?
 * Brad: And then he got all misty on me so I gave him a hug and he took me to Macy's and bought me some pants. My father has never bought me pants before!

Your Father Should Know (2)

 * Sean (to Dan): What the hell do you think this dinner's about? We didn't invite you over to play Boggle!
 * Dan: I'd kick your ass in Boggle!
 * Sean: Oh, well, bring it on, pal!
 * Connie: I'm not gonna sit here while you play Boggle with the tramp's father.

 * Brad: Mom! Lily is not a tramp. She waited all year to sleep with her boyfriend and then at the last minute, she slept with me instead!
 * Lily: BRAD!!!

All Apologies

 * Claudia: I'm gonna kill you!
 * Eddie: What'd I do?
 * Claudia: You're a degenerate scumbag!
 * Eddie: Could you be more specific?

 * Eddie: You and Claudia, and the kids were outta town. It seemed a shame to let a perfectly good porn set go to waste.
 * Sean: It's not a porno set. It's our house!

 * Sean: You've gotta let her know you learned something from this.
 * Eddie: Yeah... So what'd I learn?
 * Sean: Not to shoot porno in our house!!

 * Eddie: I learned something.
 * Claudia: Oh, really? What did you learn?
 * Eddie: That what I did was wrong. And to respect you. And respect your house. And respect that you got a thing about people shooting porn in it.

 * Henry: Great now Uncle Eddie isn't allowed over. Now I'm gonna have a porno birthday!

Me and Mrs. O

 * Eddie: Hey, Brad, how's it going?
 * Brad: It's going great... MOTHER LOVER!

 * [Two girls are talking and Jimmy interrupts]
 * Jimmy: I know!
 * Girl #1: You know what?
 * Jimmy: You know, what you were just talking about...
 * Girl #2: You've kissed a guy with a mustache?

 * Sean: Here's the pinata.
 * Brad: That's not a gray alien.
 * Sean: It's the only kind they had.
 * Brad: It's the only kind the government wants you to have.

 * Henry: Fruit! Is this some kind of sick joke?!

 * Henry: (After Brad continues to beat the piñata even though it's on the ground and broken open) Don't hurt the candy!

Get a Job

 * Liliy: Dad can you drive me and Brad to the mall?
 * Sean: No
 * Walt: I'll drive you.
 * Lily: You don't have to work tonight, Grandpa?
 * Walt: No, these guys just canned my ass.

The Policy of Truth

 * Claudia: I'm naming this baby Ass Jr.
 * Sean: You always say that.

Tom Sawyer

 * Eddie: Look at that man I told you, you touched somebody.
 * Jimmy: Yep, and I'm gonna touch her again on Friday.

 * Lily: (bitterly) Yes.
 * Sean: No. Not no "yes", Yes "yes"!
 * Lily': (bitterly) Okay.
 * Sean: No! Not no "okay", Yes "okay"!
 * Lily: OKAY!

 * Lily: Why don't you just knock me up in high school like my dad did to my mom?!

 * Claudia: We talked, you know, on the phone, about that thing with Jimmy and your daughter.
 * Adrianna: He stalked her relentlessly for a month.
 * Claudia: He's at that age.

 * Lily: I guess I'm not as stupid as you thought I was, huh?
 * Brad: I guess not. I mean… I never thought you were stupid, I thought you were pretty… I'll just let myself out.

The Letter(s)

 * Sean: Hey babe, I wrote a letter to the Home Owner's Association. Could you read it and tell me what you think?
 * Claudia: Sure... (Reading letter) "I, Claudia Finnerty, am a lying sack of lying lies... P.S. I am also crazy."

 * Jimmy: You guys really don't have to do this.
 * Lilly: Okay then, let's throw away this garbage and fire away some cow flesh.

 * Eddie: (about what to give Lily) You can't go wrong with apparel.
 * Brad: That's what I was thinking. What if I, What if I printed my picture on a sweat shirt?
 * Eddie: I'm talking about nice apparel, a nightgown or underwear.
 * Brad: I could put my picture on some underwear!!

 * Eddie: Got it. So if you're not smoking pot, why were you laughing at The Teletubbies?
 * Jimmy: (laughing slightly) Oh, Dipsy tripped over Po and landed in the flower garden.

Crazy

 * Jimmy: I don't think so. Brian this is my team now.
 * Brian: I've been gone less than a week.
 * Jimmy: Well (while doing cheer motions)T-O-O B-A-D Too bad!
 * Brian: I invented those moves.
 * Jimmy: Yeah well I made them mine, pal! SO back off!
 * Brian: No way! You'll never have the pep I have.
 * Jimmy: Hey! Talk to the pom-poms!

 * Claudia: You tricked all those people in to coming to my baby shower, so you could unload your failing bar on a crazy woman?
 * Sean: Yea, I would have tricked your friends too, if they where around.

Hello, Goodbye

 * Claudia: (on phone in hospital bed) Yeah, Mom, she's seven pounds, six ounces. Oh yeah she's very cute. No I can't put her on the phone. First of all because she's one hour old. Second of all the nurses took her for some tests. (Sean walks in) Hey, listen, Sean's back so um tell Dad I love him.
 * Sean: Hey babe.
 * Claudia: Hey!
 * Sean: Hey babe, I brought some balloons for the baby.
 * Claude: Hey great she'll love them.

 * Mara: Is this seat taken?
 * Walt: No Ma'am!
 * (Laughing, hugging and kissing)
 * Eddie: (to Claudia and Sean) See this kinda thing might have tipped us off.

 * Claudia: How can our daughter be graduating from High School, huh? We're too young for this. It seems like we just graduated from this place remember?
 * Sean: Oh yeah, I remember. You were pregnant with Lily and you wanted me dead.
 * Claudia: Well you knocked me up for Lily's graduation too. Sort of a poetry to that, don't you think?
 * Sean: Maybe a dirty limerick.

 * Brad: Wow can you believe this will be the last time we'll be in this hallway?
 * Lily: We have to come back tomorrow to give back our caps and gowns.
 * Brad: No no that's outside the cafeteria. This is going to be the last time we'll be here, in this hallway, outside Annex Two.

 * Walt: Hey, son, that seat's saved.
 * Eddie: For who?
 * Walt: Somebody asked me to save a seat.
 * Eddie: You're saving a seat for a stranger?
 * Walt: I'm saving a seat for my girlfriend, ok? Wow! The ads in this program are in color!

title: Grounded for Life


text:
8 Simple Rules

8 Simple Rules (originally 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter) is an American sitcom which aired from September 17, 2002 to April 15, 2005. The show starred John Ritter, Katey Sagal, Kaley Cuoco, Amy Davidson, Martin Spanjers, James Garner, and David Spade. The show is now in syndication on ABC Family. This hit comedy series is based on a very odd family who fight a lot but at the end of the episode they are all drawn together. On May 17, 2005, ABC cancelled the series after 3 seasons.

Pilot

 * Paul: So Rory, what do you like most about James Bond?
 * Rory: Hmm...I like that he has a license to kill.
 * Paul: (hears car horn) Me too.

 * Kyle: (answering cell phone) Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?

 * [Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]
 * Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?
 * Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.
 * Bridget: Hey, at least I get...
 * [Paul turns to Bridget]
 * Bridget: ...look good.
 * Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants.
 * Bridget: It's a thong.
 * Paul: It's floss.
 * Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?
 * Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.
 * Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.
 * Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. You're walking around with a wedgie.

Wall of Shame

 * Bridget and Kerry: (both yelling at each other) I'm gonna kill you!!
 * Paul: Girls don't kill each other. (the girls still yell at each other; Paul waits a moment) At least I said it.

 * Bridget: No, Dad, it was coral. I can't wear a coral. I mean look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.

 * Paul: Does everyone have a cell phone? How much am I paying for these?
 * Bridget: Dad, you get the phones for free.

 * Cate: I just got here. I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Do you think you can drop by the pharmacy?
 * Paul: Oh man. You know I hate picking up that stuff.
 * Cate: No, no, no. It's really allergy medicine this time.

 * Cate: Keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.
 * Paul: I'm a man, not a miracle worker.

 * Paul: I do care, Kerry and I'll care even more when the game is over!

 * Kerry (to Bridget): Could ya take the fashion show outside? Those of us who can are trying to read.

Wings

 * Paul: Mom also said I was ready for fatherhood.

 * Paul: Off you go.

Son-in-Law

 * Kerry (when Bridget tells them her new beau Travis is a Basketball player): He's a baller.
 * Travis: Holla.
 * Kerry: Holla back, brotha.
 * Travis: Uh-huh.

 * Kerry(makes fun of Bridget shaking her head from side to side) Like, oh my God! I'm Bridget. I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk.

 * Paul: Come on Cate, dance with me.
 * Cate: Oh, no, I'm not going to embarrass my daughter.
 * Paul: Fine, I'll dance by myself.

 * Paul: What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood.

 * Paul: Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.

 * Rory: Can I sit in the cart?
 * Cate: No!

 * Kerry: He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations…? (Bridget’s still confused) Charles Dickens…? (Bridget’s still confused) A book…?

 * Bridget: She’s in bed with him, and you do nothing?
 * Kerry: We’re on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.

Cheerleader

 * Paul: Is my little girl a cheerleader?

[Cate is motioning to him to shut up]
 * Kerry: Yes, she is!

 * Paul: I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?
 * Cate: Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.
 * Paul: Yell captain.

 * Kerry: I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!
 * Paul: They're not all airheads, Kerry.
 * Kerry: No, some of them are potheads.

Trick or Treehouse

 * Cate: Paul, give it a rest. You can't make the kids play with you.
 * Paul: Play with me? They live in my house and don't even like me. They're not kids. They're cats.

 * Bridget: Dad, do we really have to spend the night in that stupid treehouse again? We do it every single year.
 * Cate: Every single year.
 * Paul: Come on. It's our last Halloween tradition. Don't grumble, Bridget. You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man With Ax In Head and Little Man With Ax In Head.

By the Book

 * (As Paul is reading a parenting book)
 * Cate: So what's the sudden interest after all my years of begging?
 * Paul: Well Cate, I just figured it's time. Our daughters are maturing and you know it would be foolish of me not to use expert resources available right at my fingertips.
 * Cate: They've beaten you down, haven't they?
 * Paul: They're killing me by inches.

 * Paul (to Bridget and Kerry): You're both grounded, go to your room.
 * Bridget: What! You've officially destroyed my life and you're like a life destroyer! I hate you!
 * Kerry: I hate you too. You're the meanest father ever. You're meaner then Angela's father.
 * Paul: Angela's father did time!
 * Kerry: Exactly!

 * Paul: (about the girls) Well, it's official. They hate me again.
 * Cate: Aw, congratulations. (holds up two tickets) Maybe these'll make you feel better.
 * Paul: Red Wings, center ice? Where did you get these?
 * Cate: (imitating Anthony) Shoot. I was kickin' wit my partner Anthony W., and he gave me the 411 on how he got B to the K all grounded and whatnot. He was all, "Damn, Mrs. Henn, that's cold! I gots to make dat right!" So he hooked me these fazoon duckets. Know what I mean?

Two Boys for Every Girl

 * Paul: What's new with my little family?
 * Rory: Well, no one loves your daughters.

 * Paul: A father only has a few chances to put the fear of God into their daughter's boyfriend. This is one of them.

 * Kerry: Why don't you just lock me in my room?
 * Paul: Because your mother won't let me.

Give It Up

 * Paul: (to Bridget) Where's your mother?
 * Kyle: (thinking Paul's talking to him) At home.
 * Paul: No, I mean her mother.
 * Kyle: My grandmother?
 * Paul: (slowly) No, Bridget's mother.
 * Kyle: (slowly) How should I know?

 * Paul: One more smart remark like that and there will be a consequence.
 * Kerry: My life is a consequence.
 * Cate: You know honey, that would have more impact if you didn't say it every day.

 * Cate: You know I think this family should go to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Sarasota. We'd hang out in the sun. It will be relaxing. We'll go swimming and I don't have to cook.
 * Paul: Cate, your parents don't like me.
 * Cate: I know that, honey and I weighed that, but I still have to go with don't have to cook.

Paul Meets His Match

 * Cate: You be nice to your dad today, he's got a lot going on at work.
 * Kerry: Dad's the problem. He won't even let our boyfriends come over for Thanksgiving dinner!
 * Bridget: Yeah, and like Dad's always telling us to feed the homeless. We don't even know them!

 * (While Paul's talking on his cell to Cate)
 * Paul: No, Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper editor can't even make a deadline. I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk!
 * Nick: Paul Hennessey? Nick Sharp, Big Jerk.
 * Paul: (whispers to Cate) Don't call him that, honey.

 * Bridget: (To Paul) Kyle can't even hold my hand without you thinking he's some kind of sex maniac.
 * Kerry: And God forbid Jason put his arm around me. It's like he's already got me pregnant and dropping out of school!
 * Bridget: And that'll never happen!
 * Kerry: Thank you!
 * Bridget: Kerry's so smart, she could graduate high school even if she had two babies!

 * Paul: Oh God I am a..a...
 * Kerry: Say it.
 * Paul: Psycho dad.
 * Kerry: Cool! Say it again.

All I Want for Christmas

 * Kerry: (trying to get people to adopt a dog) Make it a real Christmas. Take home a homeless animal...(scoffs at the person walking away) Idiot.

 * (While at the mall)
 * Paul: Would you keep up?
 * Bridget: I don't want anyone thinking we're together!
 * Paul: Oh, God forbid they'll think were a family. Come on! Kerry's not gonna be with us on Christmas Eve, fine, we'll go be with her.
 * Bridget: Okay fine, I'll keep it three steps behind you, only because it's Christmas!

 * Paul: We're going to hear your mother sing a solo.
 * Cate: Oh.
 * Paul: Oh what, honey?
 * Cate: Well I just realized I'm going to be singing in front of you guys and what if I screw up? I don't want to screw up in front of you.
 * Paul: Oh, babe, you won't even notice us. There are going to be a couple hundred people in the church.
 * Cate: Oh.
 * Paul: Don't look at it like you're singing for a church full of people. You're singing for God.
 * Cate: Oh. You guys can't come.

Rory's Got a Girlfriend

 * Rory (about his date): I don't want to tell Dad cause he'll go "Awwwwwww"
 * Bridget and Kerry: Awwwwwwwwwww.

 * Kerry: Rory's going on a date, Bridget's smarter. (slaps herself) Wake up, wake up, wake up.

 * Kerry: (to Rory) How do you know Sabrina even likes you?
 * Rory: Well, Patches stole a note from Megan, who got it from Lacey, who was passing it to Katie, and it said Sabrina called me "hottie with a body," which is a good thing, so it's pretty much a lock.
 * Kerry: Oh my God. You've turned into Bridget.
 * Bridget and Rory: What-ever!

Career Choices

 * Cate: I asked my mother why she cut the ends off her pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my grandmother and asked why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my great grandmother and asked her why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because the pan was too small". So you see, the previous generation isn't always so wise.

 * Paul (to Kerry): You are kind of special!
 * Kerry: Awww, Dad, that means so much...
 * Paul: Not right now, I need to go talk to your sister.

 * Paul (to Bridget): Let me tell you a story. Your grandmother always cooked the pot roast in a little pan, so one day your mother asked her why. And she said, "Because that's how my mother used to do it." So to make a long story short, you're mother went to her great-grandmother and asked, "What's up with the little pan." And do you know what she said?
 * Bridget: No.
 * Paul: I don't know either. But you're grandmother sure does make a grreat roast.
 * Bridget: Oh, yeah.

Kerry's Big Adventure

 * Cate: (sarcastically) I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.

 * (As Bridget and Kerry run down the steps)
 * Bridget: I am going to kill you!
 * Cate: What is going on?
 * Bridget: I just talked to Amanda who talked to Michelle who talked to Walker who's dating Josie that you...
 * Paul: Kerry kissing Kyle meant nothing!
 * Bridget: Borrowed my sweater! (long pause) What?
 * Paul: (to Kerry) You borrowed her sweater?!

 * Christina (to Kerry): So do you want to listen to music or watch tv or something?
 * Kerry: No.
 * Christina: You're no fun.
 * Kerry: Sorry.
 * Christina: No, I like it.

Come and Knock on Our Door

 * Paul: This place looks familiar

 * Paul: (after overhearing Bridget and Kyle talking about what he thinks is them having sex) Aha! Get away from- (sees they were talking about cinnamon buns) those cinnamon buns. They're fattening.

 * Bridget/Paul: You are dead!
 * Kerry/Kyle: It's not what it looks like!

 * Paul: I have one question for you. Are you gay?
 * Kyle: No
 * Paul: Wrong answer.

'Drummer Boy (1)'

 * Bridget: It's just when Ben looks at me, it's like I'm the only one in the room.
 * Kerry: It's a private lesson in our garage. You are the only one in the room.

 * Paul: Hey!
 * Cate: Rory!
 * Rory: Oh hey.
 * Paul: Where's Bridget?
 * Rory: I can't tell.
 * Paul: Rory, we don't keep secrets in this family.
 * Rory: Ok. Mom's got yearbooks. Oh, you mean Bridget. She went out with Ben. I'm her decoy.
 * (Paul leaves then comes back)
 * Paul: I knew you had yearbooks.
 * Cate: You can stop building that monkey bed right now.
 * Rory: Aww, man!

 * Rory: Bridget sneaks in late and you punish her by buying her stuff? Who's a guy got to kill to get a monkey around here?

'Drummer Boy (2)'

 * Paul (to Kerry): You get home right now!
 * Cate: Paul, don't yell at Kerry!
 * Paul: I can't yell at Kerry. I can't yell at Bridget. I have to yell at somebody! Rory, stop reading upside down!

 * Kerry (to Bridget): Mom and Dad would kill you if they knew you were carrying on a long-distance relationship behind their back.
 * Bridget: And you're not gonna tell them, right? Because you swore and made a secrecy vow and you kissed my old boyfriend, Kyle.
 * Kerry: How long are you gonna hold that over my head?
 * Bridget: How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?

 * Cate: Paul, just calm down.
 * Paul: I'm sorry, sweetie. I guess I'm in a bit of bad mood today. This morning, I cut myself shaving years off my life as head of this family.

Cool Parent

 * Paul: What happened to a couple of friends over?
 * Bridget: More came, so now it's a kick back.
 * Paul: You mean a party.
 * Bridget: No, no. Mom said we can't have parties. Twenty or fewer is a kick back.

 * Rory: You crossed the line, Dad and you crossed it in slippers.

 * Paul: I'll drive all of you in the mini van.
 * Bridget: Oh my God. The loser cruiser.

Every Picture Tells a Story

 * Kerry: Don't mess with the middle child!

 * Cate: So where's your family tonight, Carter?
 * Carter: Wife number one is in Aspen with my girls. Wife number two went back to Italy with my boys. Wife number four, my current wife, she's vacationing with her mother in Martha's Vineyard.
 * Paul: What about wife number three?
 * Carter: We don't ever talk about wife number three. I love wife number four.

 * Cate: Wow! A book!
 * Kerry: Yeah, because something more interesting than watching a car drive in a circle is reading about it.

 * Cate: You're the adult here, Paul! Why don't you call Carter and explain what happened?
 * Paul: Oh, yeah, that's a great idea, Cate. "Here's the picture my son stole from your house, when do we start the book?"

Kerry's Video

 * Rory: [when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast] I am not an animal.
 * Bridget: Shut up!
 * Cate: Rory, are you about done?
 * Rory: Just about. I am a human... being.

 * Paul: We can let [Bridget] stay home a couple of days. What's the harm?
 * Cate: Paul, and I say this from a loving place...
 * Paul: I hate the loving place. I'm always wrong in the loving place.
 * Cate: What message do you think you're sending Bridget if you let her stay home from school?
 * Paul: Her father loves her more than her mother.

 * Bridget: I'm not going to school, Dad.
 * Paul: Honey, you know deep down, no one is going to care what you look like.
 * Bridget: What high school did you go to? You saw Kerry's video. I'm shallow. I get by on my looks. I can't go to school like this.
 * Paul: A broken nose is not a good reason to miss school, to avoid life. Bridget, you know beauty is only skin deep and so what if some of the kids make fun of you.
 * Bridget: But I'm not used to it, like Kerry.

Good Moms Gone Wild

 * [When a newswoman reporting at a local bar in Sarasota where The Hennesseys are vacationing. All of a sudden, they see footage of a college student whipping her bikini around.]
 * Cate: Hey, do you see that girl?
 * Rory: Oh yeah! Talk about News Flash !
 * Paul: Rory! [still looking at the News Footage], She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as, as a matter of fact, she looks a little like, alot like...
 * Both Cate and Paul: BRIDGET!
 * Rory: UGHHHHHH!!!

 * Paul: (talking to a bartender) Living in a temple dedicated to my brother in law. With my two teenager daughters who hang out at a bar and my wife who I believe was the original girl gone wild.

 * Cate: How was hanging out with Jake?
 * Rory: Great. Being old is cool. You get to yell at people, park anywhere, take your teeth out. I can't wait.

Career Woman

 * Cate: I am so nervous.
 * Paul: Why? You're a great nurse.
 * Cate: But now I have to boss people around.
 * Paul: You're great at that too. Like they say, do what you know.

 * Paul: I'm looking forward to haveing a lovely dinner with my children.
 * Cate: Girls, where's your brother?
 * Kerry: Don't know.
 * Bridget: Don't care.
 * Kerry: Maybe he's lost.
 * Bridget: Maybe a bear got him.

 * Bridget (to Cate): You look rested.
 * Cate: Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
 * Kerry: Oh Mom, I'm sorry. Bridget just doesn't understand that you've got more important things to do. If anyone should understand sleeping until noon, it's her.

Queen Bees and King Bees

 * Cate: Rory, you want to come to the hospital with me?
 * Paul: Or to the newspaper with me? Big presses, jelly donuts...
 * Rory: Don't make me choose between…
 * Cate: Student nurses, bloody guys.
 * Rory: Hospital!

 * Bridget: I hate that Jenna. She's evil! Yesterday, she was like, "I love your vintage jacket. It's so you." So today, I see her and she was wearing the same jacket. Like she's stealing my soul or something! God, she is so petty.

 * Paul: It's like a girls' mafia.
 * Bridget: There's no such thing as a girls' mafia. Just a highly structured secret society with a set of rules and severe consequences.
 * Kerry: There's a secret society?
 * Bridget: No.

Bake Sale

 * Cate: The hospital is doing something to fight child hunger. It's called the Great American Bake Sale.
 * Kerry: Great idea. Then we can create world peace with a kissing booth.

 * Bridget: This is ridiculous. How am I suppsed to raise a bag of flour?
 * Kerry: Add yeast.

 * Rory: It's just nice not to be the youngest for a change.
 * Kerry: Welcome to middle childhood. It's a real picnic.
 * Rory: You're right. I'm feeling neurotic and ignored already. I think I'm gonna go cry for no apparent reason!

The Doyle Wedding

 * Rory: I would appreciate it if you could stay off the phone for a while. There are going to be a lot of women calling me.
 * Bridget: Calling you what? Geek?
 * Kerry: Perv?
 * Bridget: Freak?
 * Kerry: Loser?
 * Rory: Not anymore.

 * Kerry: They had a lemonade stand.
 * Cate: That's cute!
 * Kerry: They're in high school!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-nade stand!
 * Kerry: And last week, they had a cookie stand!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-cookie stand!
 * Kerry: And they even had a mud pie stand!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a...I got nothing.

 * Paul: (about the Doyles) They swing dance as a family.
 * Cate: We're doing it and that's final! As a family?

'Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (1)'

 * Bridget: I'm going to prove to you I can have a long distance monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you.

 * Cate: Awww! It's Donny Doyle! He's under Bridget's window. He's serenading her.
 * Paul: (takes off his shoe) I'm on it.
 * Cate: Paul!
 * Paul: Cate, he's conning us! Those serenading mid-shipmen virgins are all liars.

 * Paul: What do you like to do for fun, Maggie?
 * Maggie: Well, lately, I've been using Ted's personal information to destroy his credit!

'Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (2)'

 * (When Bridget gets a water bra)
 * Bridget: I am like so back on top with these things! (names her boobs) Hello, Mary Kate! Hello, Ashley!
 * Rory: Talk about a "Full House."

 * Paul: I just got off the phone with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend. I'm writing his book, so no big deal. (Kyle and Rory ignore him and continue playing video games) Riveted. I see. Ummm, we're having a disagreement. Now tell me, does this paragraph "suck" to you? "My diaper was a checkered flag. My bottle, a can of 50 weight oil and..." Oh, it does suck!

 * Paul: (about the pregnancy test) Kerry, Bridget...Beach, Care Bear...
 * Cate: (hesitantly) Paul... it's mine.

Premiere

 * Paul (to Kerry): You could have knocked.
 * Kerry: It was 7:00 in the morning! I thought you couldn't do anything until you had your first cup of coffee!

 * Bridget: Mom's pregnant? I'm too young to be a grandsister!

 * Bridget: Kerry, are those my earrings? They are! God, first you steal my popularity & then my earrings?
 * Kerry: You forgot about your boyfriend!

 * Paul: Stop fighting or I'm going to turn this car around!
 * Cate: Paul, we're in the living room.
 * Paul: It's just a saying.
 * Cate: It's a saying in a car!

Sex Ed

 * Bridget (when she learns Cate is teaching sex education): So, you just say yes without even totally considering how it can completely ruin my life?
 * Paul: Bridget, I think it's an honor your mother is going to teach you sexual education. After all, she taught me.
 * Bridget and Rory: Ew!
 * Bridget: Do you guys not understand what situation I am in here? I mean, Donny Doyle's coming in this weekend to see me.
 * Paul: So?
 * Bridget: So, people already perceive my dating Donny Doyle as a slap in the face! I mean, you know, he's older and he goes to the naval academy instead of his school, and then Danielle's going to this party this weekend, she's all, "You better be there," and I'm all, "Uh, yeah," but Donny's all, "Oh, no, I don't want to share you," which is actually very sweet when you think about it, but it's just the sort of thing that Danielle's gonna use against me, and then (points at Cate) you have to go and exacerbate the whole thing by teaching sex ed at my school!
 * Rory: On the bright side, she did say "exacerbate."

 * Bridget: Why do bad things always happen to me?
 * Paul: Nothing bad ever happens to you.
 * Bridget: Oh, yeah.

Donny Goes AWOL

 * Rory: Well, Bridget broke up with him [Donny] on that tape. (Everyone looks shocked) Oh no! I thought everyone knew!
 * Fred: Your daughter broke up with our Donny...
 * Mary Ellen: ...On our video tape?
 * Paul: You stole Donny's harmony part?!

 * Paul: Donny, you went AWOL? This could have serious consequences!
 * Donny: I don't care! I'd face a thousand firing squads for Bridget!
 * Paul: And you realize I'm going to have to tell your parents about this.
 * Donny: Oh, no, don't do that! They'll kill me!

 * (When Paul is checking messages on the answering machine)
 * First Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Second Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Third Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Cate: You know, you could return one of Fred's calls!
 * Paul: I can't talk to you when you're like this! I swear, he would keep calling even if I changed the outgoing message to, "Doyle, you idiot, stop calling!"
 * (The doorbell rings and Paul answers it)
 * Fred: Hey, neighbor! Kept trying to call, but I think something's wrong with your machine.
 * Rory: There's something wrong with the answering machine? (starts to play Fred's message)
 * Paul: Rory, you fixed it!
 * Rory: But...
 * Paul: I said, YOU FIXED IT!!!

 * Bridget (to Donny): You were in a fight with my dad?
 * Donny: It wasn't so much a fight as-
 * Bridget: That is so cool.
 * Donny: A battle to the death

Goodbye (1)

 * Cate: (on the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Mrs. Hennessy.
 * (The girls arrive downstairs)
 * Kerry: Gosh, you are so jealous.
 * Bridget: Oh, please, I debuted at number two on the hot list.
 * Rory: Yeah, but she didn't have to do the things you did to get on it.
 * (The kids try to get Cate's attention, but Cate has just received the heartbreaking news and is in a state of shock)
 * Kerry: (nervously) Mom?
 * Cate: (fighting back tears) My... my keys, where are my keys?
 * Kerry: Mom, what's going on?
 * Cate: Oh, my... (dashes out the back door)
 * Rory, Kerry, Bridget: (uneasily) Mom? Mom!

 * Kerry: Bridge? Grandma and Gramps are here.
 * Bridget: Is Dad with them?
 * Kerry: No.
 * Bridget: Well, then I really don't give a damn.

 * Nick: (to Cate) You know I have four daughters, I couldn't in a million years work at home. Paul said he never knew how he did it, he just knew why, he loved his family.

Goodbye (2)

 * Cate: (reading Paul's last article) Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the Tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.

 * Bridget: The last words I said to Dad were, "I hate you."
 * Cate: Oh...
 * Bridget: (guilt-ridden) He wouldn't let me borrow his stupid car, and I said "I hate you." I had my dad, and the last thing I ever said to him was "I hate you."
 * Cate: Aw, honey. I think those were the first words you said to him, also.
 * Kerry: My last words were an insult, too. He was wearing his Michigan sweatshirt with chinos, and I told him there weren't enough Queer Eyes in all of San Francisco to help him.
 * (Cate chuckles)
 * Cate: Well, I sent him to the store for milk, so the last thing he heard out of me was, "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah." You know what his last words to me were? "Hasta la vista, baby."

No Right Way

 * Bridget: I never would've got this far before. Dad would never let me go out like this. He would've definitely sent me upstairs to change and tell me to cover myself up in some hideous sweater and then give me a one-hour lecture on how I should respect myself and how guys are only out for one thing and I always hated when he did that! I just want my dad back!
 * Cate: Bridget...
 * Bridget: Leave me alone!

 * Cate (to Bridget): Is that the dress you bought with my credit card?
 * Bridget: Yeah, isn't it great! I mean, you have your boob dresses and your good leg dresses and butt dresses, but it's hardly ever you get a good boob-leg-butt dress, you know what I mean?

 * Kerry (to Bridget): You are too pretty for this dress.
 * Bridget: What?
 * Kerry: I just think it's for some girl who has to try really hard and you don't. You should respect yourself like dad was always telling you to. You deserve the best.
 * Bridget: You deserve the best too.
 * Kerry: No, I don't.
 * Bridget: No, listen. What Kyle said to you, he meant it.
 * Kerry: How do you know?
 * Bridget: Kyle and I went out for a really long time.
 * Kerry: Yeah.
 * Bridget: He never said it to me.

What Dad Would Want

 * Cate (to Rory): You know a lot of times people take orange balls similar to this one outside and throw them at basketball hoops.
 * Rory: Okay, but bring it back.

 * Jim (to Cate): They mean well, honey.
 * Cate: Yeah, I know they mean well, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in some kind of circus where the price of admission is a casserole. Step right up and see the grieving widow.

The First Thanksgiving

 * Cate (to Rory): What is going on with you and your sisters?
 * Rory: I'm trying to protect them.
 * Cate: Aww, that's sweet.
 * Rory: I'm afraid that they are going to turn into big fat whores!
 * Cate: OK. Not so sweet.

 * Cate (to Rory): Honey, your job is to be a 14-year-old boy and a pain in the butt.
 * Rory: I can do that!

 * Kerry (to Bridget): So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair?
 * Bridget: No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.
 * Jim: And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?
 * Cate: Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.
 * Jim: That's what I'm thankful for.

The Story of Anne Frank and Skeevy

 * (Bridget has scored the lead role of Anne Frank, and Kerry isn't happy)
 * Cate: (to Kerry) Now look, we should all be supportive. We should be celebrating. Your sister got the lead in... (in disbelief) Anne Frank?

 * Jim (to Rory): Aren't you a little old to be playing with a dummy?
 * Skeevy: Aren't you a little old?

 * (Cate finds a sullen Bridget in the attic)
 * Cate: Hey, Bridg. I thought I heard something up here. What are you doing?
 * Bridget: Reading The Diary of Anne Frank. Mom, I don't think I can do this.
 * Cate: Well, honey, when you get to a word you don't know, just sound it out.
 * Bridget: I mean, how could I have taken on the role of Anne Frank? She's just so incredibly wise and brave. I mean, I came up here to see what it was like to be her. I just can't do her justice. I can't.
 * Cate: Of course you can.
 * Bridget: I know you never see this side of me, but it's true. Sometimes I can be a little bit superficial. I'm just not Anne material. Think I should quit? Because it's not like I'd be letting anybody down. There are tons of girls that could do a way better job than I can. I should quit, right?
 * Cate: Well...do you want to quit?
 * Bridget: No. I don't wanna quit. But I don't wanna embarrass myself. I don't wanna embarrass you either.
 * Cate: Oh, that's just crazy, honey. But do you want to quit?
 * Bridget: I don't know what else to do. I'm out of my depth.
 * Cate: Wow, you really did read the book. Well...I don't think you should quit. I think you can do it. I know you can do it.
 * Bridget: It just doesn't seem right that I play Anne. We're nothing alike. I mean, we have a nice attic, and a nice house...I can go to sleep at night when it's dark, in a warm bed...I can leave whenever I want...I don't know, my life is easy. I just have not experienced that kind of hardship.
 * Cate: Well, I can't imagine anyone playing the part has that kind of experience, but an actor finds things to draw on. You know, you have had your share of sadness. Start there.

YMCA

 * Cate: Dad, don't go looking for trouble!
 * Jim: I don't. Trouble finds me.

 * Rory (to Jim): I've got this friend who keeps showing up when he's not wanted.
 * Jim: Ask him to leave.
 * Rory: I can't. He doesn't have any ears. I mean he shows up all the time. He's there in the morning. He's there in the shower. I understand why he's there when Missy Kleinfeld walks by. But Hunter and I were haveing cheeseburgers and he was there too.
 * Jim: Oh, yeah, yeah. You know when I was your age, my friend kept showing up too. We were like Hope and Crosby.
 * Rory: Who? You do realize I'm talking about my—
 * Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking about the same thing, son. What you're going through is perfectly normal.
 * Rory: How can this be normal? I can barely walk.
 * Jim: Calm down. See this is what happens with a boy your age. Well, in time it will pass. It's a phase. Usually when you get married it will go away completely.
 * Rory: So it's normal. Good thanks. So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
 * Jim: Well try to avoid any situations where your friend, you know, tada. You know I'm always telling you to stand up straight, don't hunch over and get your hands out of your pockets.
 * Rory: Yeah.
 * Jim: Well hunch over and put them back in.

 * Jim: Bridget, you're not going back to that job.
 * Bridget: You're not my parent. You're my grandparent. You're supposed to give me money and presents and be cute.

Get Real

 * C.J.:(to Grandpa Jim) Oh my. Is that my Gampy? Is that my Gampa? Gaga, it's me! (Jim stares at him) Please, don't get up.

 * Cate (to C.J.): You told Rory he could get a girl to like him by practicing kissing on another girl?
 * C.J.: I told him to practice. But I meant on his hand or in the mirror or on plush toys.
 * Cate: You kiss plush toys?
 * C.J.: No, you kiss plush toys.

 * Jim (to C.J.): You look me in the eye and you tell me the truth. Why did it take so long to come pay your respects to your Uncle Paul?
 * Cate: And C.J., be honest for once.
 * C.J.: I was ashamed. You know he was the only guy who said I'd be somebody and I never was. I almost called him one time when I was running the Tilt-A-Whirl but all the parents freaked out because I was dialing instead of "paying attention" to their kids.

Consequences

 * Cate: Bridget, are those new pants?
 * Bridget: Yes, aren't they cute?
 * Cate: Yeah. How did you pay for them?
 * Bridget: Umm, with your credit card. Don't you remember? You said Lulu's is having a sale on towels can you go buy some for the guest bathroom use your own judgement. So on the way to the towels I saw these leather pants that were on sale and I remembered C.J. saying you're so wannabe without the leathers and my judgement said you don't want to be a wannabe and I thought judgement you are so right!
 * C.J.: That made no sense, but at least you had the presence of mind to drag me into it.

 * Cate: Dad, what did we say about hitting C.J. with your cane?
 * Jim: Not to do it. It's cause of him I'm using the damn cane, tripping over his damn extension cord, bruising my hip. Now I can't stand up. I can't walk.
 * Cate: Dad, let's be positive. There must be something you can do.
 * Jim: I can plot my revenge.

 * Cate: You want me to go easy. I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.
 * C.J.: The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

Opposites Attract (1)

 * C.J.: I remember in high school, I needed a duffle bag to carry all the cards I got. Oh, you don't believe me. I may not be much now as a result of some hard and yes questionable living, but back in high school, I was buff, young, and tan. Good looking. I was the man.
 * Kerry: Oh yeah, show us your yearbook.
 * C.J.: The man was sick on picture day.

 * Jeremy (to Bridget): You're not as dumb as you look.
 * Bridget: Hey, you're not as dull as you look.
 * Jeremy: Well, look at you. A grammatically correct insult.

 * C.J. (to Jim): You sent me all the way to Canada for aspirin?
 * Jim: C.J., the pain in my hip is still here, but now the pain in my ass is in Canada.

Opposites Attract (2)

 * Kerry (to Bridget): They're not geeks, they're academics.
 * Bridget: Okay, I'm not an academic and I don't want to stick out. So is there anything I need to know?
 * Kerry: Yeah, history, poetry, philosophy, addition.

 * Bridget: Mom, CJ's been in the shower for 45 minutes and he's hogging the hot water.
 * Kerry: Oh, great, now we have two blondes in the house who think they own the bathroom.

 * Jeremy: Bridget I like you. I mean, I really like you. I mean, gosh, you're beautiful, you're sweet, and you're smart. At most I thought we could be friends, but I never would have dreamed that Bridget Hennessy could like someone (Bridget kisses him) ... I mean, you know, I'm in my world, you're in yours.... (Bridget kisses him again) Okay, you're being initiated into some club, aren't you? (Bridget kisses him again) ... Will you marry me? You could quit school, get a job.

Opposites Attract: Night of the Locust (3)

 * Bridget (to Jeremy): What's the matter?
 * Jeremy: Oh, I'm worried about chemistry.
 * Bridget: Ok, I know Damian's back in town and yes we have great chemistry, but it is so over.
 * Jeremy: No, I mean I'm worried about my chemistry test, but thanks now. I'm worried about your old boyfriend.

 * Kyle: Damian's outside, Bridget, he wants to see you.
 * Bridget: Well, if he wants to see me, why doesn't he come inside?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't dance.
 * Bridget: Then why doesn't he just leave?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't leave.
 * Bridget: Doesn't he know I have a boyfriend?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't care.

 * (After seeing Rory in a gorilla mask talking into his computer's webcam)
 * CJ: Rory, do you do drugs?
 * Rory: No.
 * CJ: For a second there, this all made sense.

Let's Keep It Going (1)

 * Jim: Kerry's so angry. I've never seen such raw, naked hostility since... you know.
 * Cate: The Korean War?
 * Jim: No, your mother.

 * Kerry: Give me one good reason why I can't go to the Maeve Festival.
 * Cate: Actually, I'll give you three: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
 * C.J.: Sold!

C.J.'s Party

 * Bridget: Mom, please don't ground me.
 * Cate: I won't.
 * Bridget: Oh wow it really works. Mom, can I have twenty dollars.
 * Cate: No.
 * Cate: You're not grounded. You're going to help me with the gardening and cleaning the rain gutters.
 * Bridget: But what about my nails?
 * Cate: I guess you'll have to cut them back.
 * Bridget: [to CJ] This is all your fault.
 * Bridget: I figured out what CJ stands for... Benedict Arnold.
 * C.J.: That would hurt if it made any sense.

Mother's Day

 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] Hello, Cate.
 * Cate: [Noticing C. J. sitting there, drinking a cup of tea] How long have you been sitting there?
 * C.J.: [Accent] Bridget, Kerry, Kerry, Bridget. What do they covet most, Cate?
 * Cate: Boys?
 * C.J.: [Accent] Hm, yes. Many, many boys.
 * Cate: Well, I was just in their room...
 * C.J.: [Accent] Snooping, Clarice?
 * Cate: I was cleaning! Anyway, i found my suitcase, and a bunch of websites about hotels.
 * C.J.: [Accent] Bridget and Kerry, hotel, boys. One banana, two banana, three banana, four.

 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] What we have here, Cate, is a Trash & Dash.
 * Cate: What's that?
 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] The coolest kids in school throw a party. They rent a fancy hotel room, trash the place, then dash out the door without paying. Trash & Dash.
 * Cate: You used to do that?
 * C.J.: I said the cool kids! I asked all my friends about it, they're like "no! It's a myth!"
 * Cate: You know, that actually makes sense. The hotels, the beauty salon, the cool kids didn't invite you. Thanks, C. J.
 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] You have to admit, Cate, the world's a much more interesting place with me around.
 * Cate: C. J., why are you talking like that?
 * C.J.: I don't know.

 * Cate: Corn?

[She sits up]
 * Bridget: [VO] The chips are potato and corn...
 * Cate: [She stands up and knocks a bag over. A flyer falls out that reads "Evergreen - Fresh and Fun"]
 * Kerry: [VO] We rented... Evergreen. I hear it's totally fresh and fun...
 * Cate: [Flashback, reading a flyer] An overnight stay in a beautility salon...
 * Rory: [Flashback, hanging up the phone] That's weird. Travis Stevens just invited me over to his house...
 * C.J.: [Flashback, sipping a cup of tea] What do they covet most, Cate? Many, many boys...
 * Cate: Those girls! They are so dead!

[Hops out of the room]

title: 8 Simple Rules