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User:ZhiXiongkang~enwikiquote

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title: User:ZhiXiongkang~enwikiquote


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Dumb and Dumber

Dumb and Dumber is a 1994 comedy film starring about two well-meaning but inept friends who travel across the country to Aspen, Colorado to try to give back a briefcase left in an airport as part of a ransom payment.
 * Directed by Peter Farrelly. Written by Peter Farrelly, Bennett Yellin and Bobby Farrelly.

What the one doesn't have, the other is missing. (taglines)

Lloyd Christmas

 * [after hearing of Petey's death] That's it. I've had it with this dump! We've got no food, we got no jobs,... our pets' HEADS ARE FALLIN' OFF!!!
 * Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat.
 * Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]
 * [pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief.
 * [after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker.
 * You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life. I'm sick and tired of bein' a nobody. But most of all, I'm sick and tired of havin' nobody.
 * (about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]
 * Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Harry Dunne

 * You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?!
 * Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate.
 * FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!
 * We don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to SLEEP!
 * You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
 * [to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there.

Dialogue

 * Lloyd: [upon hearing Petey's death] Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
 * Harry: Okay, just calm down!
 * Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town!
 * Harry: Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go?

 * Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Anybody can make a mistake. Come on! Stop bein' a baby! So we backtracked a tad!
 * Harry: A TAD?!! (he furiously runs up to Lloyd) A tad, Lloyd?! You drove almost a 6th of the way across the country in the wrong... DIRECTION!!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen! We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat! We don't have enough money... TO SLEEP!!
 * Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whinin' about it. We're in a hole. We're just gonna have to dig ourselves out.
 * Harry: (nods unhappily) Okay. Right. You're right. You're absolutely right, Lloyd.
 * (he's about to walk away)
 * Lloyd: Where ya goin'?
 * Harry: Home. I'm walking home!
 * Lloyd: Oh! Well, pardon me, Mr. PERFECT!!! (nervously laughs) I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake!

 * Joe: (sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces.
 * Shay: Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
 * Joe: They must've been followin' us for weeks.
 * Shay: Why ya say?
 * Joe: "Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
 * Shay: They gotta be pros.
 * Joe: Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that. [crumples the note]

 * Joe: [after punching the guy behind him while he is on the phone with Nicholas] I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?
 * Nicholas: Look, Mental. Those jokers have got a lot of money that belongs to me! I wanna know who they are and what they're doing with it!
 * Joe: Hey, hey, hey. I told you already, I'm on it. Alright?
 * Nicholas: Good. [Hangs up and drinks his cup]

 * Joe: [on the phone with Nicholas] Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys.
 * Nicholas: Oh, how nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys runnin' around Aspen!
 * Joe: Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.

 * Harry: How was your day?
 * Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off the jetway again.

 * Harry: So you got fired again?
 * Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
 * Harry: Yeah, I lost my job too.
 * Lloyd: Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
 * Harry: No, none taken.

 * Nicholas: Which one of you losers wants to get it first?
 * Lloyd: Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
 * Harry: No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
 * Lloyd: No, you don't.
 * Harry: Yes, I do.
 * Lloyd: No, you don't. No, you don't!
 * Harry: Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
 * Lloyd: [sarcastically] Okay. Kill him!
 * [Nicholas shoots Harry, and Harry faints, seemingly dead]
 * Lloyd: Oh, no! [whimpers; to Nicholas] You killed my best friend, you bastard!
 * Nicholas: [points his gun at Lloyd] If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.
 * [but before he can attempt to shoot, Harry, fully recovered, extracts his gun, and tries to shoot Nicholas, but misses]
 * Lloyd: Harry! You're alive! And you're a horrible shot.
 * Nicholas: Lucky me.

 * Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it.
 * Harry: [nudges Lloyd] You're it.
 * Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it, quitsies!
 * Harry: Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
 * Lloyd: You can't do that!
 * Harry: Can too!
 * Lloyd: Cannot, stamped it!
 * Harry: Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
 * Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
 * Harry: No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
 * Joe: GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!

 * Beth: The number's 555-...
 * Harry: (quietly and rapidly) 555-...
 * Beth: 905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
 * Harry: (screams while his left leg is on fire) FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
 * Beth: Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
 * (she drives away)

Taglines

 * What the one doesn't have, the other is missing.
 * For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer.

Cast

 * Jim Carrey — Lloyd Christmas
 * Jeff Daniels — Harry Dunne
 * Lauren Holly — Mary Swanson
 * Mike Starr — Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano
 * Karen Duffy — J.P. Shay
 * Charles Rocket — Nicholas Andre
 * Victoria Rowell — FBI Special Agent Beth Jordan

title: Dumb and Dumber


text:
User talk:Max rspct~enwikiquote

Welcome to Wikiquote.

In answer to your question about what we call the quotation pages, I usually call them article pages as that is usually the term used with the Wikipedia, but there is no "official" term. I moved the page you entitled "Kropotkin" to "Peter Kropotkin" which matches the name of the Wikipedia article, and leaves Kropotkin as a page that redirects to that. I hope you like it here. ~ Kalki 13:32, 18 Nov 2004 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

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title: User talk:Max rspct~enwikiquote


text:
My Cousin Vinny

My Cousin Vinny is a 1992 film about a street-smart but inexperienced lawyer from Brooklyn defending his cousin in a murder case in Alabama.
 * Directed by Jonathan Lynn. Written by Dale Launer.

A Comedy of Trial and Error

Taglines

Dialogue

 * Lisa: What?
 * Vinny: Nothin’, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.
 * Lisa: Me? What about you?
 * Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin’ cowboy boots.
 * Lisa: Oh, yeah, you blend.

 * [Stan is under the impression that another prisoner will come to offer his protection in exchange for sexual favors]
 * Guard: Here. Got somebody for you. [Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell]
 * Vinny: You must be Stan, how ya doin’?
 * Stan: Why'd they bring you in here?
 * Vinny: Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Y’know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.
 * Stan: I don't wanna do this.
 * Vinny: Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, y’know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. [Stan nervously moves away from Vinny] What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Y’know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Y’know, to get acquainted before we uh, y’know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?
 * Stan: I don't wanna do this.
 * Vinny: I understand, but y’know, what are your alternatives?
 * Stan: My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...
 * Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ fucked one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.
 * Stan: [sarcastically] Gee, thanks.
 * Vinny: Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be outta line here.
 * Stan: You think I should be grateful?
 * Vinny: Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin’ knees!
 * Stan: I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
 * Vinny: Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, y’know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little fuck.
 * Stan: Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.
 * Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
 * Stan: No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
 * Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.
 * [Wakes up Bill, who gets startled]
 * Bill: Hey, back off! Vin! Vinny!

 * Stan: [somewhat confused] Vinny?

 * Bill: Vinny bag o' donuts. How are you?

 * Stan: This is Vinny?

 * Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?
 * Lisa: Yeah.
 * Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
 * Lisa: So?
 * Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
 * Lisa: Yeah.
 * Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?
 * Lisa: I did turn it off.
 * Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
 * Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
 * Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
 * Lisa: Maybe it's broken.
 * Vinny: Is that what you're sayin’? It's broken?
 * Lisa: Yeah, that's it; it's broken.
 * Vinny: You sure?
 * Lisa: I'm positive.
 * Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
 * Lisa: I twisted it just right.
 * Vinny: How can you be so sure?
 * Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
 * Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
 * Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
 * Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?
 * Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation. (Rips a page out of a magazine)
 * Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?
 * Lisa: It's an industry term.
 * Vinny: I guess the fuckin’ thing is broken.

 * [Vinny thinks he's finessed Trotter into giving him all of his files relating to the case]
 * Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
 * Vinny: I told you why already.
 * Lisa: He has to, by law! You're entitled! It's called "disclosure", ya dickhead! He has to show ya everything, otherwise, it could be a mistrial! He has to give you a list of all of his witnesses, you can talk to all of his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises! [Vinny is speechless; Lisa has her hands on her hips] They didn't teach you that in law school either?

 * Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were gettin’ arrested for, uh, shopliftin’ a can of tuna.
 * Judge Haller: What are you tellin’ me? That they plead not guilty?
 * Vinny: No. I'm just tryin’ t’explain.
 * Judge Haller: I don't wanna hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
 * Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients--
 * Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini? [motions for him to approach the bench] All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
 * Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
 * Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you wanna skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defendin’ clients who say they didn't do it. The next words out of your mouth are either gonna be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't wanna hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even wanna hear you clear your throat. Now, [enunciating] how... do... your... clients... plead?
 * Vinny: [enunciating, but the words go right past him] I think... I get... the point.
 * Judge Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?
 * Vinny: Not guilty.
 * Judge Haller: Thank you.

 * [Stan, Vinny and Bill are on the prison bus]

 * Stan [to Vinny]: Why didn't you ask them any questions?!
 * Vinny: Questions? Ask who questions?
 * Bill: You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?
 * Stan: Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
 * Vinny: Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-fuckin’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.

 * Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winnin’ the case. I could do it! I really could. Let me tell ya how, okay? The D.A.'s gotta build a case. Buildin’ a case is like buildin’ a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-lookin’ bricks, like, like these, right? [puts his hand on the wall]
 * Bill: Right.
 * Vinny: Let me show ya somethin’. [he holds up a playing card, the Ace of Spades, with the face toward Bill] He's gonna show you the bricks. He'll show ya they got straight sides. He'll show ya how they got the right shape. He'll show ‘em to ya in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show ya. [turns the card, so that its edge is toward Bill.] When ya look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, [Flips the card back over to show a Joker] 'cause you're innocent. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

 * [Vinny has just slept through Trotter's opening statement and is asked to give his]
 * Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
 * Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor, counsel's entire opening statement is argument.
 * Judge Haller: [to the jury] Objection sustained. Counsel's entire opening statement, with the exception of "thank you," will be stricken from the record.

 * Vinny: Is it possible that the two youts–
 * Judge Haller: Uh, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?
 * Vinny: Uh, what word?
 * Judge Haller: Two what?
 * Vinny: What?
 * Judge Haller: Did you say "yutes"?
 * Vinny: Yeah, two youts.
 * Judge Haller: What is a yute?
 * Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, [enunciates] two youths.

 * [Vinny is cross-examining Tipton]
 * Vinny: Is it possible the two defendants...[Gives Haller a glance] entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - [sees Tipton is already shaking his head] Don't shake ya head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... [continues] Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
 * Tipton: No. They didn't have enough time.
 * Vinny: Well, how much time was they in the store?
 * Tipton: Five minutes.
 * Vinny: Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?
 * Tipton: No.
 * Vinny: Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
 * Tipton: That's right.
 * Vinny: So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?
 * Tipton: Eggs and grits.
 * Vinny: Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?
 * Tipton: [confused by the question] Just regular, I guess.
 * Vinny: Regular. Instant grits?
 * Tipton: [chuckles] No self-respectin’ Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
 * Vinny: [Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question] So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
 * [Tipton falls silent for a moment. Lisa smiles excitedly, and the entire courtroom stares at Tipton apprehensively, realizing he’s been stumped]
 * Tipton: [nervously] I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.
 * Vinny: [Walks back over to Tipton] I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?
 * Tipton: [faltering] I don't know.
 * Vinny: Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?
 * Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor.
 * Judge Haller: Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.
 * Vinny: [advancing on Tipton] You sure about that five minutes?
 * Tipton: I don't know.
 * Vinny: Are you sure about that five minutes?
 * Tipton: I don't know!
 * Judge Haller: [banging his gavel] Mr. Gambini, I think you made your point.
 * Vinny: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?
 * Tipton: [embarrassed] I may have been mistaken.
 * Vinny: I got no more use for this guy.
 * [Haller looks shocked by the exchange, while Lisa gives Vinny a proud look, and someone in the public gallery applauds. Stan turns to John Gibbons, his public defender]
 * Stan: You're fired. [gets up and points at Vinny] I want him!

 * [Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip]
 * Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Ho! [Lisa comes out of the bathroom]
 * Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancin’ along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put ya little deer lips down to the cool clear water...bam! A fuckin’ bullet rips off part of ya head! Your brains are layin’ on the ground in little bloody pieces! [Puts her hands on her hips] Now, I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!

''[Vinny and Lisa walk into the pool hall; everyone stops what they’re doing. Vinny and Lisa take off their shades. Lisa looks around and spots J.T. J.T. recognizes Lisa and Lisa nudges Vinny with her elbow]''

[Vinny and Lisa walk over to J.T.]

 * Vinny: Hey, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini--
 * Lisa: His name's J.T.
 * Vinny: J.T., I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won; I'm here to collect.
 * J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
 * Vinny: Oh, a counteroffer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer, call that a counteroffer. Let me see, this is a tough decision you're givin’ me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars? Hmm, let me think. I could use a good ass kickin’, I'll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
 * [The patrons laugh]
 * J.T.: Over my dead body.
 * Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counteroffer: do I have to kill you? What if I was just to kick the ever-lovin’ shit outta ya?
 * J.T.: In your dreams.
 * Vinny: Oh, no, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta ya, do I get the money?
 * J.T.: [contemplates this] If you kick the shit outta me...
 * Vinny: Yeah.
 * J.T.: ...then you get the money.
 * [Some patrons weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy who's in a neck brace.]
 * Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
 * Neck Brace: No, I fell.
 * Vinny: Oh. Okay, let’s see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is: I get my ass kicked, or, option B: I kick your ass, and collect the 200. I'm goin’ wit option B, [takes his coat off] kickin’ your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
 * J.T.: Are we gon’ fight now?
 * Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
 * J.T.: I have the money.
 * Vinny: All right, show it to me.
 * J.T.: I can get it.
 * Vinny: You can get it? All right, get it. Then we'll fight.

 * Vinny: Did you fall in your place, or somebody else’s?

 * Neck Brace: My place.

 * Vinny: Shit.

[Lisa is nervously pacing back and forth on the deck of Trotter’s cabin]

 * Vinny: What's the matter with you?
 * Lisa: I don't know.
 * Vinny: You're actin’ like you're nervous or somethin’.
 * Lisa: Well, yeah, I am.
 * Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
 * Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell ya what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's goin’ on. Alls I know is that you're screwin’ up and I can't help.
 * Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
 * Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watchin’ you go down in flames, and you're bringin’ me with you, and I can't do anything about it!
 * Vinny: And?
 * Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is gettin’ married. My biological clock is [stamps foot three times] tickin’ like this, and the way this case is goin’, I ain't never gettin’ married!
 * Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just achin’ to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your [stamps foot three times] biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?! [Stares upward to indicate him thinking of anything else] Is it possible?! [looks up again]
 * Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

 * Judge Haller: [Motioning to his chamber] Mr. Gambini, I’d like to speak to you in my chambers. [Walks into the chamber with Vinny behind him]
 * Judge Haller: You're a dead man.
 * Vinny: I'm a dead man?
 * Judge Haller: That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?
 * Vinny: Did you just say Gallo?
 * Judge Haller: Yes, I did.
 * Vinny: Gallo wit a G?
 * Judge Haller: That's right.
 * Vinny: Jerry Gallo's dead!
 * Judge Haller: [holds up fax] I'm aware of that!
 * Vinny: Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-''A-LLO!"
 * Judge Haller: Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now. [picks up phone, dials] Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk? OK, I'll be here.
 * Judge Haller: [hangs up, returns to Vinny] He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?

 * Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct? Is that correct?
 * [Lisa is purposely ignoring Vinny]
 * Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
 * Lisa: No, I hate him.
 * Vinny: Your Honor, may I ask your permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
 * Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till you see me tonight.
 * Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
 * Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
 * Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

 * Vinny: What the hell was that all about back there?
 * Lisa: I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry Callo!
 * Vinny: What friends you got in the clerk’s office?
 * Lisa: Your friend.
 * Vinny: My friend?
 * Lisa: Judge Malloy.
 * [pause] So what's your problem?
 * Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
 * Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
 * Vinny: Yeah.
 * Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all ya cases, but with somebody else's help. Right? You win case, after case, - and then afterwards, you have to go up to somebody and you have to say- "thank you"! Oh my God, what a fuckin' nightmare!

 * Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
 * Vinny: You were serious about that?

 * [asking the hotel clerk about the freight train]

 * Vinny: Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
 * Hotel Clerk: No, sir, it's very unusual.
 * Vinny: [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
 * Hotel Clerk: I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

 * Jim Trotter: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, bein’ an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
 * Lisa: [scoffing] That's a bullshit question.
 * Jim Trotter: Does that mean that you can't answer it?
 * Lisa: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
 * Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
 * Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
 * Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an "expert witness"!
 * Judge Haller: Can you answer the question?
 * Lisa: No, it is a trick question!
 * Judge Haller: Why is it a trick question?
 * Vinny: [to Bill] Watch this.
 * Lisa: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center. [Vinny sits back, contently crossing his arms]
 * Jim Trotter: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

 * Vinny: [Questioning Lisa] I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
 * Lisa: Would you like me to explain?
 * Vinny: I would love to hear this!
 * Judge Haller: ...So would I.
 * Lisa: The car that made these two equal-length tire marks had positraction. Can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
 * Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
 * Lisa: It's a limited-slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothin’.
 * Juror: [Quietly] That's right.
 * Vinny: Is that it?
 * Lisa: No, there's more. [Shows on the picture] You see when the left tire mark goes up on the curb, and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle. So, when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge, but that didn't happen here, the tire mark stayed flat and even; this car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks: one was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheelbase, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
 * Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint-green paint?
 * Lisa: [leans forward with her hands on the witness stand] They were!
 * Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito! No more questions. Thank you very very much. You've been a lovely [kisses her right hand] lovely [kisses her left hand] witness.

Taglines

 * A Comedy of Trial and Error
 * There have been many courtroom dramas that have glorified The Great American Legal System. This is not one of them.

Cast

 * Joe Pesci - Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
 * Marisa Tomei - Mona Lisa Vito
 * Ralph Macchio - Bill Gambini
 * Mitchell Whitfield - Stan Rothenstein
 * Fred Gwynne - Judge Chamberlain Haller
 * Lane Smith - D.A. Jim Trotter
 * Bruce McGill - Sheriff Farley
 * James Rebhorn - George Wilbur

title: My Cousin Vinny


text:
User:Timelf123~enwikiquote

--Timelf123 21:08, 18 Nov 2004 (UTC) Tim roxorz like Halo 4

title: User:Timelf123~enwikiquote


text:
Skies of Arcadia

Skies of Arcadia is a console role-playing game developed for the Sega Dreamcast by Overworks, a division of Sega. Released in 2000, it is known as Eternal Arcadia in Japan.

Dialogue

 * Vyse: Let's keep you off the ship until tomorrow. The last thing we need is for your "uncle" to see you throwing up in the heat of battle.
 * Enrique: Great, now you're starting to sound just like Aika...

 * Gilder: Um, hey Vyse, we don't really need to get out of here [prison], do we?
 * Vyse: What are you talking about!? We'll be hanged.
 * Gilder: Being hanged...or being stuck with Clara...tough choice. Ah, hmm....oh, well.

title: Skies of Arcadia


text:
Zoolander

Zoolander is a 2001 comedy about a clueless fashion model, at the end of his career, who is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Based on a pair of short films, produced and directed by Ben Stiller for the VH1 Fashion Awards television show in 1996.
 * Directed by Ben Stiller. Written by Drake Sather, Ben Stiller and John Hamburg. Story by Drake Sather and Ben Stiller. A sequel Zoolander 2 was released.

3% Body Fat, 1% Brain Activity

Derek Zoolander

 * Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?
 * At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.
 * Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!
 * Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?
 * Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.  If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity.  Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Hansel McDonald

 * I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of.  I dig the bungee.  I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life.  I grip it, and I rip it.  I live with a lot of flair.  I live it on the edge, where I gotta be.  I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut.  I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree.  Richard Gere's a real hero of mine.  Sting.  Sting would be another person who's a hero.  The music that he's created over the years.  I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that.  I care desperately about what I do.  Do I know what product I'm selling?  No.  Do I know what I'm doing today?  No.  But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Jacobim Mugatu

 * Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
 * It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!
 * Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!
 * Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!?
 * Obey my dog!
 * He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!
 * Do as you've trained to do... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Others

 * Steve Kmetko: Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Dialogue

 * Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.
 * Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.

 * Matilda: I became...
 * Hansel: What?
 * Matilda: Bulimic.
 * Zoolander: You can read minds?

 * Derek Zoolander: What is this? [smashes the model for the reading center] A center for ants?
 * Mugatu: What?
 * Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
 * Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
 * Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
 * Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.
 * [Mugatu’s assistant Todd has a shocked expression on his face]

 * Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
 * Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!
 * Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
 * Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!
 * Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint...
 * Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?

 * Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues?
 * Derek Zoolander: What?
 * Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!

 * [Brint, Meekus and Rufus are playfully having a water fight with hoses to the tune of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham. They then start to unhinge pumps from a gas station and squirt each other with gasoline]
 * Derek Zoolander: What are they doing?
 * [Derek, in a rare moment of using his brain, realizes gasoline is a dangerous substance]
 * Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!
 * [Derek’s attempt is too late as a man lights a cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends]

 * [Discouraged from the death of his friends, Derek quits modeling and goes into his father's line of work; coal mining. After an onerous day the Zoolander family goes to a rustic bar. They’re seen inside watching a football game]
 * Derek Zoolander: Who's winning the match?
 * Larry Zoolander: State.
 * Derek Zoolander: I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. [coughing] It's not very well-ventilated down there.
 * Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years. [Luke and Scrappy look at each other]
 * [The argument escalates about why Derek became a model. It hits its zenith when Derek appears in a ridiculous advert for Aveda dressed as a mermaid on one of the TVs in the bar].
 * Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty. [He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh]
 * Larry Zoolander: Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?
 * Derek Zoolander: [Gets up and looks at his father] I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.
 * Larry Zoolander: With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin' out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
 * Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man! [Derek leaves. He goes outside and looks up at the stars] Who am I?

 * [Derek learns that he is being used by Mugatu in order to be brainwashed to murder the Prime Minister of Malaysia]
 * J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years and behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
 * Matilda: Okay, that is impossible.
 * J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?
 * Derek Zoolander: Mugatu?
 * J.P. Prewitt: Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.
 * Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!
 * J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

 * Maury: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
 * [Derek looks puzzled and begins to mouth the words to himself]
 * Maury: (slowly) We get back on.
 * Derek: I'm sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

 * [Maury is talking to his wife on the phone]
 * Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!
 * Mugatu: [interrupting Maury] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM! [Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia]
 * Derek Zoolander: One look? One look?! I don't think so! [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]
 * Hansel: There it is!
 * Todd: MAGNUM!
 * Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!
 * Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!
 * Mugatu: Dear God...it's beautiful! [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]

Cast

 * Ben Stiller – Derek Zoolander
 * Owen Wilson – Hansel
 * Christine Taylor – Matilda Jeffries
 * Will Ferrell – Mugatu
 * Milla Jovovich – Katinka
 * Jerry Stiller – Maury Ballstein
 * David Duchovny – J.P. Prewitt
 * Jon Voight – Larry Zoolander
 * Judah Friedlander – Scrappy Zoolander
 * Nathan Lee Graham – Todd
 * Alexandre Manning – Brint
 * Asio Highsmith – Rufus
 * Alexander Skarsgård – Meekus
 * Andy Dick – Olga the Masseuse
 * Nora Dunn – British Designer
 * Jennifer Coolidge – American Designer
 * Vince Vaughn – Luke Zoolander
 * Andrew Wilson – Buzzy Sullivan, Surfer Extraordinaire
 * Henry Brogdon – local badass, male servicer
 * Billy Zane – Himself
 * Donald Trump – Himself
 * Christian Slater – Himself
 * Tom Ford – Himself
 * Cuba Gooding, Jr. – Himself
 * Steve Kmetko – Himself
 * Tommy Hilfiger – Himself
 * Natalie Portman – Herself
 * Fabio – Himself
 * Lenny Kravitz – Himself
 * Gwen Stefani – Herself
 * Gavin Rossdale – Himself
 * Heidi Klum – Herself
 * Paris Hilton – Herself
 * David Bowie – Himself
 * Tyson Beckford – Himself
 * Fred Durst – Himself
 * Lance Bass – Himself
 * Lil' Kim – Herself
 * Garry Shandling – Himself
 * Claudia Schiffer – Herself
 * Veronica Webb – Herself
 * Lukas Haas – Himself
 * Carmen Kass – Herself
 * Victoria Beckham – Herself
 * Sandra Bernhard – Herself
 * Emma Bunton – Herself
 * Stephen Dorff – Himself
 * Winona Ryder – Herself
 * Shavo Odadjian – Himself
 * Devin Schumacher - Runway Model

title: Zoolander


text:
Ikkyū

Ikkyu (一休宗純 Ikkyū Sōjun) (1394–1481) was an eccentric, iconoclastic Japanese Zen Buddhist priest, poet and calligrapher. He was born as an illegitimate son of Emperor Go-Komatsu and was forced to become a priest in his childhood. He has been thought as one of the influential figures in establishing the Japanese tea ceremony as a master of  Murata Jukō,  and esteemed as such, but their historical interaction is now in question.

Quotes

 * South of Mount Sumeru Who understands my Zen? Call Master Kido over- He's not worth a cent.
 * . Encounter with Zen: writings on poetry and Zen, 1981. p. 66.

 * Natural, reckless, correct skill; Yesterday's clarity is today's stupidity The universe has dark and light, entrust oneself to change One time, shade the eyes and gaze afar at the road of heaven.
 * As quoted in Ikkyū and The Crazy Cloud Anthology : A Zen Poet of Medieval Japan (1986) by Sonja Arntzen.

 * Studying texts and stiff meditation can make you lose your Original Mind. A solitary tune by a fisherman, though, can be an invaluable treasure. Dusk rain on the river, the moon peeking in and out of the clouds; Elegant beyond words, he chants his songs night after night.
 * "A Fisherman" in Wild Ways : Zen Poems (2003), edited and translated by John Stevens, p. 37.

 * From the world of passions returning to the world of passions: There is a moment's pause. If it rains, let it rain, if the wind blows, let it blow.
 * As quoted in The Essence of Zen : Zen Buddhism for Every Day and Every Moment (2002) by Mark Levon Byrne, p. 28.

 * It has the original mouth but remains wordless; It is surrounded by a magnificent mound of hair. Sentient beings can get completely lost in it But it is also the birthplace of all the Buddhas of the ten thousand worlds.
 * "A Woman's Sex" in Wild Ways : Zen Poems (2003), edited and translated by John Stevens, p. 74.

 * Eight inches strong, it is my favourite thing; If I'm alone at night, I embrace it fully - A beautiful woman hasn't touched it for ages. Within my fundoshi there is an entire universe!
 * "A Man's Root" as quoted in Mishima's Sword : Travels in Search of a Samurai Legend (2007) by Christopher Ross, p. 195.

 * In all the kingdom southward From the center of the earth Where is he who understands my Zen? Should the master Kido himself appear He wouldn't be worth a worn-out cent.
 * Japanese Death Poems. Compiled by Yoel Hoffmann. ISBN 978-0-8048-3179-6

Disputed

 * Having no destination, I am never lost.
 * Attributed to Ikkyu in Nine-headed Dragon River : Zen journals, 1969-1985 (1986) by Peter Matthiessen

Quotes about Ikkyu

 * Ikkyū Zenji is the most remarkable monk in the history of Japanese Buddhism, the only Japanese comparable to the great Chinese Zen masters.
 * Reginald Horace Blyth, Zen and Zen Classics : Twenty-five Zen Essays (1970).

 * His "mad" behavior was perhaps his way of disrupting the corrupt and feeble Zen he saw around him.
 * Peter Matthiessen, Nine-headed Dragon River : Zen journals, 1969-1985 (1986).

title: Ikkyū


text:
Monkey Island

The following are quotes from the Monkey Island series of adventure games by LucasArts.

Running gags

 * “I am Guybrush Threepwood, mighty .”
 * – Introduction of the main character, Guybrush Threepwood. Most often identifies himself as a mighty pirate.

 * Insult: “You fight like a dairy farmer.”
 * Comeback: “How appropriate. You fight like a cow.”
 * – Sword fight insult, written by Orson Scott Card.

 * “Look behind you, a Three-Headed Monkey!”
 * Used by many characters (especially Guybrush) to distract someone long enough to escape. In the first game, a three-headed monkey actually appeared behind said characters, but they did not notice

 * “I’m selling these fine leather jackets.”
 * – Guybrush (a recurring phrase in almost every LucasArts adventure game since first spoken by Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

 * “That’s the second biggest I’ve ever seen!”
 * – Guybrush, when seeing something big (commonly said in Get Smart)

 * “I must have left it in my other pants.”
 * – Guybrush, when asked about an item he doesn't have.

The Secret of Monkey Island

 * “I wanna be a pirate!”
 * – oft-repeated and unexplained aspiration of the protagonist, Guybrush Threepwood

 * “So you want to be a pirate, eh? You look more like a flooring inspector.”
 * – Blind Lookout to Guybrush Threepwood

 * Pirate: Guybrush Threepwood? That's the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard!
 * Guybrush: Well, what's your name?
 * Pirate: [matter-of-factly] My name is Mancomb Seepgood.

 * LeChuck: Ah. There's nothin' like the hot winds of hell blowin' in your face.
 * Murray: No sir. Nothing like it.  Ah.  Sir.
 * LeChuck: It's days like this that makes you glad to be dead.
 * Murray: Oh, yes sir, glad to be dead.
 * LeChuck: Ye are glad to be dead, RIGHT?
 * Murray: Oh yes sir. I feel so lucky that you happened to capture my ship, then murdered me and everyone on board, yes sir,  lucky.
 * LeChuck: Glad to hear it.

 * Guybrush: Can you tell me the story about this LeChuck guy?
 * Pirate: LeChuck? He's the guy that went to the Governor's for dinner and never wanted to leave. He fell for her in a big way, but she told him to drop dead. So he did. Then things really got ugly.

 * Otis: You’ve got to help me! I’m a victim of society!
 * Guybrush: Not to mention halitosis. Yuck!

 * Storekeeper: What do you want?
 * Guybrush: I could really use a breath mint.
 * Storekeeper: You’re telling me. Take one. Please. Take a whole roll.

 * Guybrush: I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
 * Stan: Say, does your wife know you’re such a cheapskate?

 * “Please? Pretty please? Please pretty please with sugar on top?”
 * – Guybrush Threepwood, when wanting something badly.

 * “That’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen!”
 * – Guybrush, about the giant stone monkey head on Monkey Island

 * Meathook: You've got a real attitude problem!
 * Guybrush: Well...you've got a real hair problem!
 * Meathook: You just don't know when to quit, do you?
 * Guybrush: Neither did your barber.

 * ''[Guybrush has received some disappointing sword fighting lessons.]

 * "I can’t help but feel I’ve been ripped off. [Towards the fourth wall.] I’m sure you're feeling something similar."
 * – Guybrush Threepwood to Sword Teacher

 * "Swordfighting is a little like making love. It's not always what you do, but what you say."
 * – Sword Teacher to Guybrush Threepwood

 * Guybrush: I’m looking for 30 dead guys and one woman.
 * Cannibal: I don’t think I want to hear any more about it.

 * “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see us?”
 * – The Cannibals to Guybrush

 * Guybrush: At least I’ve learnt something from all of this.
 * Elaine: What’s that?
 * Guybrush: Never pay more than 20 bucks for a computer game.
 * Elaine: A what?
 * Guybrush: I don't know. I have no idea why I said that.

Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge

 * “I’m a mighty pirate!”
 * – oft-repeated phrase of the protagonist, Guybrush Threepwood

 * “I can’t make the one thing this island could really use… a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande!”
 * – said by several citizens of Scabb Island about the local bully, shortly before Guybrush commissions a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande

 * “I'm sensing a disturbance in the Force…as if a tiny voice just called out...and hastily scratched a message in a table.”
 * – The Voodoo Lady, when Wally is kidnapped
 * Paraphrasing Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

 * Guybrush: I'm on a whole new adventure.
 * Bart: Growing a mustache?
 * Guybrush: No. Bigger than that.
 * Bart: A beard?!?

 * Guybrush: I’m a game warden. I’ll have to confiscate your pole.
 * Fisherman: Let’s see your badge.
 * Guybrush: You don’t need to see no stinking Badge.
 * Quoting from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, mixed with Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

 * Guybrush: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
 * Carpenter: A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood.
 * Guybrush: But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?
 * Carpenter: Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?
 * Guybrush: A woodchuck should chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.
 * Carpenter: Oh shut up.
 * Variations on a standard tongue-twister.

 * Barkeep: Is Guybrush a French name?
 * Guybrush:  No, actually it’s a fictional name.

 * LeChuck: I-- --am your brother!
 * Guybrush: No! No, that's not true! That's impossible!
 * LeChuck: Search your feelings, you KNOW it to be true!
 * Guybrush: Noooooooo!!!!
 * Slight variation of a dialog from Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The Curse of Monkey Island

 * Elaine Marley: Let’s face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, codependent villain and that’s just not what I’m looking for in a romantic relationship right now.
 * LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d’ya mean?

 * "I can’t, I’m washing my hair tonight"
 * – Elaine Marley, reply to LeChuck asking her to be his undead wife

 * ''[Guybrush encounters a talking skull, floating in the water.]
 * Guybrush: Can I call you ‘Bob’? (Referring to the undead pirate Bob from the first game whose skull kept falling off, also possibly a reference to an old joke about what you call someone with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool.)
 * Murray: You may call me ‘Murray’! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I stride through the Gates of Hell – carrying your head on a pike!
 * Guybrush: “Stride”?
 * Murray: All right then, roll! Roll through the Gates of Hell! ... must you take the fun out of everything?

 * ''[Guybrush manages to swim back to shore, where Elaine is still scanning the water looking for him.]
 * Elaine: Guybrush? Guybrush... I thought I'd lost you forever! Is it really you?
 * Guybrush: Yes, Elaine! Um... Did you really mean what you said out there? That I was the only man you ever loved?
 * Elaine: Uh, well... yes Guybrush... I guess I did.
 * Guybrush: Elaine, I'm a man of action. A swashbuckler. A rogue. A wanderer. A man who can hold his breath for ten minutes. I have no ties and no regrets; I sail with the wind and go wherever adventure takes me. But somehow, something always leads me--
 * Elaine: Guybrush, stop babbling.
 * Guybrush: Elaine... will you marry me?
 * Elaine: Oh, Guybrush!

 * ''[Guybrush, tarred and feathered so he looks like a man-sized chicken, enters Blondebeard's chicken shop.]
 * Captain Blondebeard: ¡Madre de Dios! ¡Es el Pollo Diablo! (“Mother of God! It’s the Devil Chicken!”)
 * Guybrush: ¡Sí! ¡He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti! (“Yes! I have released your prisoners, and now I've come for you!”)
 * Captain Blondebeard: Well, yer not takin’ me without a fight!
 * ''[Blondebeard bashes Guybrush over the head with a frying pan]

 * “I’m not bald! I just have a really high widow's peak.”
 * – Murray, the demonic talking skull

 * Guybrush: You’re about as fearsome as a doorstop.
 * Murray the demonic talking skull: Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?
 * Guybrush: Never mind.

 * ''[Guybrush finds Murray hanging from a tall spike.]
 * Guybrush: How’d you get all the way up there?
 * Murray: Through sheer force of will!
 * Guybrush: Uh-huh.
 * Murray: … Okay, it was a bunch of those weird voodoo kids. They found me on shore and put me on top of this spike, all the time thinking they were so funny.

 * Guybrush: What do you know about lifting voodoo curses?
 * Murray: Oh sure. I know a lot about lifting curses. That’s why I'm a disembodied talking skull, hanging on a spike, in the middle of a swamp!
 * Guybrush: You sound bitter.
 * Murray: I’m sorry, it’s been a rough day.

 * Guybrush: If I gave you your arm back, what would you do with it?
 * Murray: I’d terrorize the South Seas! I’d torture the living! I’d demolish the… er… What I meant to say was, I’d use it to pet kittens.
 * Guybrush: Nope. You blew it.
 * Murray: Drat.

 * "Mine is the name pirates fear the most: Edward “Snugglecakes” Van Helgen!"
 * – Edward Van Helgen

 * Haggis McMutton: Well, Haggis is only my nickname. My true name is ‘Heart Lungs And Liver Boiled In The Stomach Of The Animal McMutton’.
 * Guybrush: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl.
 * Haggis: Aye.

 * “It looks like a ship's skipper, first mate, a professor, and the rest.”
 * – Guybrush, when looking at a pile of skulls, in reference to Gilligan's Island

 * “I think I broke my skull. I’m *all* skull.”
 * – Murray the demonic talking skull, having fallen from a great height

 * Murray: Would you mind not talking down to me?
 * Guybrush: Well, I really don’t have a choice…

 * Edward Van Helgen: [realizes that Guybrush has shot his banjo with a gun] What?! You shot my banjo!
 * Guybrush: You can’t be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.
 * Edward Van Helgen: Of all the low down tricks!! I've never heard anything so low. I completely misjudged you! You are a pirate after all! I'd be proud to join your crew!
 * Guybrush: Great!
 * Edward Van Helgen: I'll just pack this stuff up and get ready. And give me back my gun.
 * A reference to the grassy knoll in the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

 * Guybrush: If you kill me... there wouldn’t be any more Monkey Island sequels. Then, if you kill me everyone will forget you.
 * LeChuck: Forget me? I’m the dead zombie pirate LeChuck! No one will forget me!
 * Guybrush: Do you remember Bobbin Threadbare?
 * LeChuck: Er… no.
 * Guybrush: Exactly.
 * Bobbin Threadbare was a character in LOOM.

 * “Join me, Rosencrantz! I am your FATHER!”
 * – Slappy Cromwell, reciting lines from his play, re-written from Hamlet by way of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.

 * “It was no mere nightmare, Guybrush! Search your feelings! You know it to be true!”
 * – LeChuck, quoting Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

 * "I got so much money, It's embarassing!"
 * - Guybrush in the smugglers' cave

 * “We don't serve yer kind here!”
 * – Haggis MacMutton, when Guybrush enters the barbershop tarred-and-feathered (another line from Star Wars)

 * “I feel like I could, TAKE ON THE WORLD!”
 * – Wally (a line from Day of the Tentacle)

 * “Ask me about Grim Fandango.”
 * – A badge worn by the silent patron in the chicken restaurant.
 * Grim Fandango is another adventure game by LucasArts. Also a reference to The Secret Of Monkey Island, where a character from Loom wearing an "Ask me about Loom" badge was to be seen.

 * “It's the stuff that really boring dreams are made of.”
 * – Guybrush, looking at a stuffed raven
 * Very famous altered quotation from The Maltese Falcon.

 * “But- at- what- cost?”
 * – Guybrush, imitating Captain Kirk

 * ''[The ghost of Minnie Goodsoup reveals that, although she was left standing at the altar by a pirate, she’s ready to go and fall for another one.]
 * Minnie Goodsoup: What do you do for living?
 * Guybrush: Flooring inspector.

 * Guybrush: I’m so sick of you guys and your rhyming.
 * Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill:
 * We’re ready to set sail, ’though the cannons need a priming.

 * We’re thievin’ balladeers,
 * A gang of cut-throat mugs,
 * To fight us off, you won't need guns,
 * Just jolly good earplugs!
 * A pirate I was meant to be,
 * Trim the sail and roam the sea…

 * Guybrush:
 * You say you’re fearsome pirates
 * Scheming, thieving, bad bushwackers
 * From what I’ve seen I’ll tell you
 * You’re not pirates, you’re just slackers!
 * Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill:
 * A pirate I was meant to be,
 * Trim the sail and roam the sea…

 * Guybrush: We’ll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange…
 * Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill: And… umm… well… er…
 * Cutthroat Bill: Door hinge?
 * Van Helgen: No. No.
 * Cutthroat Bill: Ah well, guess the song’s over then.
 * Haggis: Guess so.
 * Van Helgen: Okay, back to work.
 * Guybrush: Gee, I feel a little guilty now.

 * LeChuckie Doll: Arrgh! Math be hard, let’s go shoppin'!
 * - Parody of the Teen Talk Barbie doll

 * “All the key phrases are in there: ‘Blow the man down!’, ‘Shiver me timbers!’, ‘Who’s a pretty bird’!”
 * – Wally regarding audio books on parrot

 * ''[Guybrush pours the drug Head-B-Clear into his alcoholic drink.]
 * Guybrush: That makes the drink O so much more appealing!

 * Guybrush: (regarding LeChuck being Minnie Goodsoup's ex-fiancee)
 * LeChuck is your schnoobums!?

 * Guybrush: (when looking at the menu in Blondebeard’s chicken shoppe)
 * Blondebeard’s chicken is proud to serve skinless chicken, we’re also proud to serve the skins.

 * Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.
 * Guybrush: You're a fashion consultant?
 * Voodoo Lady: Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.
 * Guybrush Threepwood: Neat.
 * Voodoo Lady: You're an "autumn," by the way.

 * Welshman: Even the bravest of men must dread the horror of this place! Steel your courage boy, now, before you gaze upon the terrible, horrible face of... Skull Island!
 * Guybrush: That's a duck!
 * Welshman: What are you talking about? Don't you see the skull?
 * Guybrush: This island doesn't look like a skull at all. It looks like a great, big, enormous duck. It should be called Duck Island.
 * Welshman: Well, you see, you've got to squint and sort of turn your head and... Oh! It's just so scary!
 * Guybrush: If you squint and turn your head, it looks like a bunny.

Escape from Monkey Island

 * Carla the Swordmaster: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to escape from Monkey Island?
 * Guybrush: No, how difficult is it to… (with emphasis) Escape from Monkey Island?
 * Carla: Well… it's really difficult.

 * Guybrush: How does Pegnose Pete smell without a nose?
 * Bait Shopkeeper: Awful!!!
 * Guybrush: I should've seen that coming...

 * “Life is like pillaging a trading vessel bound for Jamestown... Ya never know what you're gonna get.”
 * – Guybrush sitting on a bench on Lucre Island, in reference to Forrest Gump

 * “Ahh, the middle finger, the most communicative of fingers.”
 * – Guybrush, when looking at the middle finger of the giant hand in the Voodoo Lady's shop

 * “I may be a dunce, but at least I'm a mighty pirate dunce!”
 * – Guybrush, after getting himself kicked out of the pirate re-training school on Knuttin Atoll

 * “Are you sure we can't kill him? I’ve let him alive before, and it’s always been a big mistake.”
 * – LeChuck, about Guybrush Threepwood

 * “Well… you fight like a cow!”
 * – Guybrush, when LeChuck exits the Governor’s Mansion

 * “Get that thing away from me, you twisted freak!”
 * – Murray, when Guybrush shows him the “Abomination of Nature”

 * “SEE souvenirs of Guybrush Threepwood’s most famous escapades! TASTE culinary delights approved by genuine pirates! HEAR beautiful pirate folk music! FEEL your souls being gently ripped from your bodies by this restaurant of uncompromising EEEEEVIL!!! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAA!!!”
 * – Murray

 * “Oh, the temperature’s a-rising while my sweat’s a-vapourising and I can not feel my legs below my knees anymore.”
 * – Guybrush, waiting for the ride in the First Church of LeChuck to begin

 * "Iron Maiden! Excellent! ...Uh, I have no idea why I said that."
 * – Guybrush, examining an iron maiden. Reference to the movie "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".

 * “Okay... Goodbye cruel adventure game!!.... .. naah forget it"
 * – Guybrush at his mansion while standing at the cliff and hitting enter to jump off the cliff in the beginning of the game.

 * "That's the second largest... No... No, that IS the largest conch shell I've ever seen!"
 * – Guybrush, upon seeing the giant conch shell amplification tower Ozzie intends to use to broadcast the Ultimate Insult across the Caribbean.

Launch of the Screaming Narwhal

 * "Is this thing sloshing? Four words you don't want to hear when picking up a coffin."
 * - Guybrush, when picking up a monkey coffin.
 * "So we're going to die... again... wonderful!"
 * - Elaine, when Guybrush drops the Voodoo root beer

 * "Those socks need a good darning... Darn you, socks!"
 * - Guybrush, when examining a pair of socks

 * Nipperkin: "You know, Threepwood, you've got spunk. Pirate spunk."
 * Guybrush: "Ew"

 * LeChuck: Do ya mind? I'm in the middle of an unholy ceremony!
 * Guybrush: Unholy this [Stabs LeChuck]
 * Elaine: "Unholy this?"
 * Guybrush: Yeah, well he didn't give me a lot to work with

The Siege of Spinner Cay

 * Guybrush: Van Winslow, head to Isle of Ewe [I Love You]
 * Van Winslow: Please, sir, I think we should hit land first
 * Guybrush: Isle of Ewe... It sounds like "I Love You". Nice joke.
 * Van Winslow: [Disappointedly] Yes, sir, joke

The Lair of the Leviathan

 * Guybrush: [While Examining Murray] Everything okay down there?
 * Murray: Just great! I've traded the dark and musky interior of a treasure chest for the even darker and muskier interior of your pocket!

 * "You have to kill me! And I'm already dead"
 * - Murray on the deck of the Screaming Narwhal

 * "The testers - sitting in a dark room with a lava lamp and thinking they're in heaven"
 * - Murray in the End Credits

 * "Animations? I don't need animations! I live!"
 * - Murray in the End Credits

The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood

 * Guybrush: I plead not guilty by reason of insanity!
 * Judge: Ye look pretty sane to me...
 * Guybrush: Sure, NOW, but any second I could start using monkeys as needle-nose pliers, or shooting myself out of trebuchets, or doing strange things with rubber trees! I'm crazy, I tell ya, craaaaazy!

 * Guybrush: Could you read that last bit back for me?
 * Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]
 * Guybrush: Verrrry interesting. I don't even remember saying "exanguinate."
 * Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]
 * Guybrush: No no, I'm not questioning your professionalism, it's just that I don' even the meaning -
 * Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]
 * Guybrush: Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

 * Guybrush: I object!
 * Judge: To what?
 * Guybrush: To this trial! To your hat! To the way my beard's itching! I also object to the way that guy's looking at me! And to this hook!

 * Guybrush Lawyer: Where were you on the night of August 15th?
 * Guybrush: I was on a date - with your wife
 * Guybrush Lawyer: Why you... You're dead, Threepwood! [fights with himself]

 * Elaine: Go to Hell, LeChuck!
 * LeChuck: Well, you can't say I didn't try.

 * Guybrush: Wait - unholy what?
 * LeChuck: Unholy THIS!

 * LeChuck: Out of respect of our newly-decreased, I feel I should point out that you wave your sword like a dairy farmer.
 * Elaine: How appropiate... you fight like a Pox-infected undead cow.

the Rise of the pirate God

 * "Is it over? ...Hello? ...Did we win?"
 * - Guybrush alone in the center of the crossroads

title: Monkey Island