text:
Family Guy/Season 2

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

 *  Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corporation of America, in any way, shape, or form.

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Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

 * Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
 * Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
 * Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
 * Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the hell of it, let's try again.

Holy Crap

 * Peter: [returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!
 * Lois: Careful! I just cleaned the floor.
 * Peter: Good thing. Huh? [laughs]
 * [the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles]
 * Pope: Lemony!
 * [Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish]
 * Lois: Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

 * Francis: [shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.

Da Boom

 * Ernie: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
 * Peter: NO! [runs over to Trix Rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Ernie] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

 * Brian: ...besides, this place is paradise.
 * Old Man: Sure is, except for Randy Newman.
 * Peter: Randy Newman?
 * Man: Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.
 * Newman: [sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!
 * Lois: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
 * Newman: [sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!
 * Lois: [whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.
 * Newman: [sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Brian in Love

 * Barker: Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
 * Brian: Oh, just die already.
 * [Meg enters the room and sees a wet stain on the rug]
 * Meg: EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!
 * Brian: NO!

Love Thy Trophy

 * Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
 * Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
 * Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?
 * Stewie: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?
 * [Children crying and when Peter falls through the chimney]
 * Stewie: Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!
 * Peter: Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.
 * Indian Child: But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
 * African Child: Don't be stupid! Santa is black!
 * Indian Child: Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.
 * Li: Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!
 * Pablo: How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!

 * Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, Stewie!

Death is a Bitch

 * [Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]
 * Death: Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...
 * [the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]
 * Death: Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?
 * [he resumes making out with her, and the car begins to rock again]

 * [the cast of Dawson's Creek catches Peter (as Death) in the cockpit after he knocked out the pilots]
 * Van Der Beek: Nice goin', fat!
 * Peter: Hey, I was just tryin' to save your lives!

The King is Dead

 * Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
 * Peter: That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.
 * Lois: No, you didn't!
 * Peter: You win this round, Lois.
 * Lois: You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!
 * Peter: Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.
 * Lois: The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!
 * Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

 * Stewie: [to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

 * Woman 1: Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
 * Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]
 * Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
 * Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
 * Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
 * Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

 * Chef: [sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!
 * [Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

 * Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
 * Brian: You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

 * Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
 * Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
 * Peter: ...Oh yeah.

Running Mates

 * Lois: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
 * Peter: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
 * Lois: Peter!
 * Peter: I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
 * [he points to said man in front of the lockers]
 * Majors: What? Women are things.

 * Mr. Fargas: Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...
 * [he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]
 * Mr. Fargas: A clown!
 * [the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]
 * Mr. Fargas: Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!!
 * [he tosses the candy to his cheering students]

A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Bucks

 * [through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
 * Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
 * Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
 * [he is actually driving blind]
 * Lois: Then at least let me drive!
 * Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable!

 * Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
 * [cut to Hell; the Devil gets a message instantly]
 * Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
 * Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
 * Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

Fifteen Minutes of Shame

 * Fisherman: [after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!
 * Peter: Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?
 * Chris: [lividly] NO WAY!!
 * [he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank]
 * Fisherman: Oh, for the love of Pete!
 * [a shark eats him]

 * Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!
 * [cut to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera]
 * Stewie: Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just-- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Road to Rhode Island

 * Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
 * Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]

 * Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Let's Go to the Hop

 * Lois: Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.
 * Chris: Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?
 * Lois: [nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.
 * Chris: But I remember it so clear-
 * Peter and Lois: [loudly] It was a dream!

 * Child on television: Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?
 * [jail door closes]
 * Voiceover: Just one.

Dammit Janet

 * Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
 * Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
 * Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
 * Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
 * Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
 * Stewie: DAMN!

 * Janet: Hi! Cookie?
 * Stewie: No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

There's Something About Paulie

 * Peter: Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell gettin' around. I actually had to rent a mustang.
 * [cut to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]

 * Don: I have asked you in here tonight so that you may perform a service.
 * Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

He's Too Sexy For His Fat

 * ''[Peter has gotten liposuction]
 * Stewie: My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

 * Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
 * Chris: Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.
 * Meg: Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!
 * Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
 * Meg: I don't have a mustache...do I?
 * Lois: Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.
 * Meg: But, Mom!
 * Lois: Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.
 * ''[cut to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]
 * Stewie: Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]

E. Peterbus Unum

 * [while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]
 * Lois: Chris, is that a note?
 * Chris: ...No.
 * Lois: Yes, it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?
 * Chris: ...No!
 * Meg: Just read it, lardo.
 * Chris: [reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.
 * Lois: Go to your room.

 * Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.
 * Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
 * Chris: The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]
 * Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

The Story on Page One

 * Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
 * Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

 * West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]
 * Meg: Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...
 * West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water!
 * Meg: It just went down the drain.
 * West: They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!
 * Meg: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]
 * West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

Wasted Talent

 * Lois: You're drunk again!
 * Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

 * Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
 * Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Fore Father

 * Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

 * Stripper: How old are you?
 * Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore.

title: Family Guy/Season 2


text:
Family Guy/Season 3

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line

 * Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
 * Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
 * Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

 * Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
 * Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood

 * Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
 * Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

 * Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
 * Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

 * Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
 * [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
 * Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
 * Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

 * Peter: Yep.
 * Joe: Yep.
 * Quagmire: Yep.
 * Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

And the Wiener is...

 * Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
 * Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
 * Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
 * Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives

 * Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
 * Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

 * Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
 * Death: I don't have skin!
 * Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Lethal Weapons

 * Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
 * Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
 * Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
 * Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

 * Peter: You just hit me!
 * Lois: That's right!
 * [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
 * Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
 * Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

The Kiss Seen Around the World

 * Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
 * [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
 * Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
 * Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
 * Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...

 * Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
 * Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight

 * [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
 * Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
 * Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
 * [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
 * Man: D.
 * Peter: -ot.
 * Peter and the man: Dot.
 * Man: B.
 * Peter: -et.
 * Man: Bet.
 * Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
 * Man: P.
 * Peter: -it.
 * Man: Pit.
 * Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
 * Man: F.
 * Peter: -at.
 * Man: Fat.
 * Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
 * [a fight breaks out between the two]

A Fish Out of Water

 * [Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
 * Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
 * Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
 * [Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
 * Stewie: The port is quite good.
 * Brian: Yes, quite good.
 * Chris: Indeed.
 * Peter: Most certainly.
 * Brian: What year is it?
 * Chris: '51.
 * Brian: Ah.
 * Peter: Delectable.
 * Stewie: Indeed.
 * Chris: Yes.
 * Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
 * Brian: What is it?
 * Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
 * Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
 * Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
 * Stewie: Ah, very good then.
 * Chris: For the best.
 * Brian: Yes, indeed.
 * Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible

 * Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
 * Lois: What? What?!
 * Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
 * Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
 * Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
 * Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

To Love and Die in Dixie

 * Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Screwed the Pooch

 * [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
 * Meg: Oh, my God!
 * Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
 * Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

 * [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]
 * Ted Turner: Aces high or low?
 * Peter: They go both ways.
 * [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
 * Bill Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
 * [all except Ted laugh]
 * Ted: Like a bisexual.
 * Michael: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

 * Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
 * Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?

 * [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
 * Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
 * Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
 * Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
 * Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

 * Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
 * [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
 * Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
 * Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
 * Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

 * [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
 * Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
 * Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
 * Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
 * [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
 * Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
 * [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
 * Peter: I'm handicapped now!
 * [Tom pauses the tape]
 * Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
 * Peter: Oh, come on!
 * Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
 * [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
 * Tom: That's you driving the car.
 * Peter: Well, there's your hook!
 * Tom: Get out.

A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas

 * Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
 * Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
 * Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
 * Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

 * Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
 * Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
 * Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

 * Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
 * Chris: [laughs] Rump.
 * Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

 * [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
 * Peter: Damn it all!
 * Patrons: SHH!
 * Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
 * [the swallow squawks loudly]
 * Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
 * Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
 * Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
 * Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
 * Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
 * Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
 * Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
 * Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
 * [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
 * Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
 * [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
 * Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness

 * Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
 * Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
 * Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
 * Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
 * Dave: Hey!
 * Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
 * Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
 * Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Peter?
 * Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
 * Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
 * Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart

 * [Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
 * Meg: Look at that handsome man.
 * Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

 * Peter: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
 * Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
 * Brian: Shut up!
 * Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe

 * Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
 * Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
 * Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
 * Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
 * Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
 * Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
 * Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
 * Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
 * Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
 * Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

 * Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
 * West: Oh, my...
 * Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
 * West: I see...
 * Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
 * West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
 * Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
 * West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

 * Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
 * Peter: [dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

 * Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
 * Meg: You wear glasses.
 * Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Family Guy/Season 3


text:
Family Guy/Season 4

North by North Quahog

 * Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
 * Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
 * Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
 * Lois: Is there no hope?
 * Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

 * Tom: [Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake’s picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
 * Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
 * Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
 * Meg: So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?
 * Brian: Yup.
 * Meg: Wow! Where’d ya get it?
 * Brian: Oh. I got a guy.
 * [Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]
 * Greased-Up Deaf Guy: Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

 * Mrs. Lockhart: Good morning, class.
 * Chris and other students: Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
 * Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
 * [she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]
 * Chris: Two Ds and an F.

 * [Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
 * Lois: No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
 * [cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]
 * Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
 * whether you're white or bronze.
 * A man can wash another man
 * in the merry old land of Oz!

Blind Ambition

 * Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
 * Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
 * Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
 * Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
 * [cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
 * Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
 * Peter: Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.

 * God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]
 * Woman: Wow!
 * God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!
 * Jesus: What?
 * God: Get the Escalade. We're outta here!

Don't Make Me Over

 * Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
 * [Cutaway to hospital]
 * Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
 * Man: Oh, my God...
 * Peter: [laughs] No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead!

 * Peter: Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
 * [cut to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]
 * Tin Man: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

 * Peter: Your wife's cheatin' on ya.
 * Cleveland: What?!
 * Peter: Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, am!".
 * Brian: Uh, Peter...
 * Peter: Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
 * [switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]
 * Bamm-Bamm: [bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?
 * [switch to Emeril Lagasse]
 * Lagasse: Bam!
 * Peter: So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?

 * Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
 * [he puts on a Quagmire mask]
 * Peter: Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
 * [Cleveland laughs]
 * Cleveland: Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
 * Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
 * Peter: I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
 * [he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
 * Brian: What the hell?
 * [the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
 * Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!

Petarded

 * Peter: My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
 * Brian: Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
 * Meg: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
 * Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

 * Judge: Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence-
 * Peter: Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
 * Judge: Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
 * Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?
 * Judge: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]
 * Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
 * Judge: Aw, I already banged the hammer!

Brian the Bachelor

 * [Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
 * Stewie: Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.

 * Quagmire's Mother: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
 * Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
 * Quagmire's Mother: That's old food! [Mittens meows]
 * Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
 * Quagmire's Mother: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
 * Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

 * Peter: Alright, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
 * Brian: Good. Good so far.
 * Peter: All right, all right.
 * Stewie: Nothin' yet.
 * Peter: Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
 * Stewie: Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
 * Chris [feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
 * Brian: Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
 * Chris: Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
 * Stewie: [vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me-- [vomits again]
 * Peter: Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
 * Stewie: No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
 * Chris: Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
 * Brian: Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
 * Peter: Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
 * Brian: Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
 * Stewie: I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
 * Brian: Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
 * [Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
 * Lois: [enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
 * [Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]

 * Liddane: (in tears) I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
 * Stewie: He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while...
 * (the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Lidanne's left breast; Lidanne reacts, then slaps Stewie)
 * Lindanne: Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
 * Stewie: But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... (wails like a real baby)
 * Lidanne: No more TV!
 * Stewie: Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

 * Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
 * [cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]
 * Peter: Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
 * Kid: Dying hurts...
 * Peter: Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?

 * Lois: I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me.
 * Quagmire [in the background]: Oh, God!
 * Lois: ...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...
 * Quagmire: Oh, God!
 * Lois: ...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
 * Quagmire: OH GOD!!!
 * Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
 * Quagmire: That one is also sexual. [walks away happily]

Model Misbehavior

 * Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
 * Carter: Are you calling me gay?
 * Peter: No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].

 * Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
 * Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
 * Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.

Peter's Got Woods

 * Stewie: [reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
 * [cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
 * Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
 * Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man.
 * Peter: [gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]
 * Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
 * Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
 * Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

The Perfect Castaway

 * [Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]
 * Joe: We've been out here for days. I'm starving.
 * [Peter eats something]
 * Quagmire: Hey, what's that?
 * Peter: [stops] What?
 * Cleveland: You're eatin' somethin'!
 * Joe: You bastard! You have food?!
 * Peter: I don't know what you're talkin' about.
 * Joe: Gimme that!
 * [he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]
 * Joe: Peter! You've been eating my legs?!
 * Peter: Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
 * Joe: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
 * Peter: Look, look, Joe, I...!
 * Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!
 * Peter: Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.

 * [Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]
 * Joe: Well, that was a great cruise.
 * Peter: Yeah. The buffet was great!
 * Cleveland: And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.
 * [two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]
 * Man: Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.
 * Ulrich: [to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!
 * Cleveland: There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Jungle Love

 * Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
 * Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
 * [cut to two doctors in a small window]
 * Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
 * Peter: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...

 * Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
 * [Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
 * Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
 * Peter: [drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

PTV

 * [Peter and Brian watch TV]
 * Announcer: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company.
 * [the television shows Three's Company]
 * Chrissy: Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini.
 * [her top is blacked out]
 * Peter: What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff?
 * [he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show]
 * Announcer: It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].
 * Peter: They're messin' with my shows!
 * Brian: Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
 * [flashback to said episode of said program]
 * Ralph: One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!
 * Dubbed voice: [over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"] I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
 * [back to the present]
 * Brian: This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.
 * Peter: What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!

 * [Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]
 * Peter: Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
 * [he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]
 * Archie: Time for you to move there, Jefferson!
 * Edith: Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet!
 * Archie: Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!
 * [cut back to PTV]
 * Peter: And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
 * [he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]
 * Mary Ellen: Good night, Jim-Bob.
 * Jim-Bob: Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.
 * Pa: Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.
 * Elizabeth: Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.
 * Ma: Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.
 * [she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]
 * Ma: John-Boy?
 * John-Boy: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Brian Goes Back to College

 * [Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
 * Chris: Hi, Dad!
 * Peter: Go to your room.
 * Chris: Okay! [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]

 * Peter: You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

 * Tom: We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
 * [Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
 * Ollie: Everybody looks like ants!
 * Tom: Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
 * Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
 * [Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
 * Peter: Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?

 * Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.
 * Peter: Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.
 * Brian: Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]
 * It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Now, there he go!
 * There he go!
 * There he go!
 * There he go!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peter: Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]
 * Brian: [continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

The Fat Guy Strangler

 * [Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
 * Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
 * Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.
 * Barker: $675. Stephen?
 * Stephen: Uh, $780.
 * Barker: $780. Tammy?
 * Tammy: What was the last bid?
 * Barker: $780.
 * Tammy: $781.
 * Stephen: Fuck you!

 * [Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
 * Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
 * Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
 * Stewie: Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
 * [both laugh]
 * Brian: I don't know, man! It's his wife!
 * Stewie: You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
 * Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
 * Stewie: You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
 * [both laugh]
 * Stewie: If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
 * [both laugh harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

 * Announcer: And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".
 * (in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water)
 * Mark: You think we should be this far out?
 * Other Man: Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
 * Jaws: [sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

<hr width=50%/>

 * Peter: [prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.
 * [the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]
 * Lohan: Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.
 * Peter: [amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

Brian Sings and Swings

 * [at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
 * Bruce: I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
 * Cashier: That's fine.
 * Bruce: No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]

<hr width=50%>

 * Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
 * Brian: I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
 * Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
 * Brian: You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny?
 * [cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]
 * Stewie: Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]

Patriot Games

 * Peter: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids!

<hr width=50%>
 * [Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
 * Brian: Stewie. Uh, hey.
 * Stewie: Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
 * Brian: Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
 * Stewie: Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
 * Brian: Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
 * Stewie: Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him in scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
 * Brian: What the hell?!
 * Stewie: Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
 * Brian: Oh, my god!
 * Stewie: Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
 * Brian: You freakin' psychopath!
 * Stewie: [tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.

I Take Thee Quagmire

 * [scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
 * Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
 * Peter: Thanks, Regis.
 * Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
 * Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
 * Sajak: Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
 * Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]
 * Sajak: (in the state of shock) I...don't...believe it.
 * Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

<hr width=50%>

 * Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
 * Sajak: That's you.
 * Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
 * [at home]
 * Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
 * Brian: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
 * [cut to "Jeopardy!"]
 * Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]
 * West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Sibling Rivalry

 * Lois: [taking a pregnancy test] Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
 * Peter: Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
 * Brian: Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
 * Peter: Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Gulie, E. Honda...
 * Brian: That's Street Fighter.
 * Peter: Red, blue, green...
 * Brian: Those are colors.

<hr width=50%/>

 * Dr. Hartman: (after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
 * Lois: Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
 * Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
 * Lois: Chris, we all love your hat.
 * Chris: Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
 * Dr. Hartman: Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
 * Peter: Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats

 * Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
 * Kermit: [within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
 * Brian: Uh, okay.
 * Kermit: Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
 * Brian: [recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
 * Kermit: [gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
 * Stewie: What's his appeal?

<hr width=50%/>
 * Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.
 * West: You're an alien. I know.

Peterotica

 * Kool-Aid Man: [after a car crashes into his house] Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

<hr width=50%>

 * Betty White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

 * Chris: She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
 * Classmate: What? Kick them around?
 * Chris: Um, wait...yes.

<hr width=50%>

 * [actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
 * Chris: Matthew McConaughey?
 * McConaughey: Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
 * [Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
 * Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
 * Chris: But I...
 * Stewie: Grab his legs!
 * [Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]

Petergeist

 * Bruce: [as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
 * Peter: I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.
 * [cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
 * Peter: So, y'all set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
 * Cheney: Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

<hr width=50%>

 * [Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]
 * Carrot Top: What the hell? How did you find me?
 * Peter: [shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.
 * Carrot Top: [takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw!
 * [Peter laughs]
 * Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so - God damn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!

Untitled Griffin Family History

 * [Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
 * Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
 * [Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
 * Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

<hr width=50%>

 * [Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]
 * Peter: That wasn't oxygen, that was a tank of Tony Danza's breath! I wonder who got my oxygen tank.
 * [Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]
 * Light: [with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it] Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

 * [Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
 * Brian: Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
 * Stewie: I'm not gonna get the fruit.
 * Brian: Get the fruit
 * Stewie: I-I can't get the fruit.
 * Brian: Get the fruit man!
 * Stewie: I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!

<hr width="50%"/>

 * Tricia: Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
 * Peter: Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
 * [cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
 * Cleveland: Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
 * Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
 * Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
 * [Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
 * Stewie: Did I miss my cue?
 * [in the bar]
 * Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
 * [cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
 * Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
 * Lois: [in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
 * Brian: [in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tricia: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
 * Peter: Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]
 * Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter!
 * Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]
 * Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]

title: Family Guy/Season 4


text:
Family Guy/Season 5

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

 *  Family Guy and all related characters, episodes, and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

Stewie Loves Lois

 * Dr. Hartman: Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!
 * Peter: No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.
 * [flashback to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down]
 * Peter: Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]
 * Teacher: You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.
 * [Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them, and the scene freezes there]
 * Peter: YEAH!

 * Dr. Hartman: Okay, heart sounds good. Alright, Mr. Griffin, I'm just gonna need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.
 * Peter: What?
 * Dr. Hartman: Drop your pants, turn around and lean forward.
 * Peter: Umm...okay. [pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove] So, how does this work? Do you just feel my pulse, or... [screams, flailing, crashes a shelf and pants heavily] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
 * Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
 * Peter: Shut up! You had your fingers in my ass!
 * Dr. Hartman: That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me...
 * Peter: GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the hospital screaming, and past Mayor West, reading the newspaper on the bench]
 * Mayor West: [disgusted] Ugh, get a tan.

Mother Tucker

 * [at dinner]
 * Peter: I want some ice cream.
 * Tom: No, Peter. You finish your food.
 * [Peter takes his chair to the fridge, much to Tom's dismay]
 * Tom: You-- Hey. You get back here right now, mister.
 * [Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]
 * Tom: No. Don't you-- Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble.
 * [Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]
 * Tom: You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it.
 * [Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]
 * Tom: I'm not kidding around. I'm not gonna say it again.
 * [Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]
 * Tom: If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.
 * [Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and slaps him on the behind repeatedly; Peter wails in agony]
 * Peter: I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy!
 * Tom: [drags him out of the kitchen] Well, I'm the best you've got!

Hell Comes to Quahog

 * Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
 * Joe: No!
 * Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
 * Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
 * Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
 * Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
 * Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

 * Lois: So, how was work today, Meg?
 * [Peter raspberries]
 * Lois: Oh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg.
 * [Peter raspberries again]
 * Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, Meg.
 * [Peter raspberries yet again]
 * Brian: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
 * [Peter raspberries again]
 * Chris: [laughs] Meg!
 * [Peter raspberries again]
 * Chris: MEG!
 * [Peter raspberries even louder]
 * Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
 * [Peter raspberries 7 times]
 * Chris: [quietly] Meg...
 * [Peter raspberries quietly]
 * Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job!
 * [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
 * Brian: Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
 * Meg: What did he just say to you?
 * Brian: Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
 * [Peter raspberries again]

Saving Private Brian

 * Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.
 * Stewie: Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?
 * Brian: All right, let's do it. [they start making out]
 * Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
 * Brian: Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!
 * [Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]
 * Gay soldier: [effeminately] Any room for one more?
 * Stewie: Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]
 * Stewie: All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with purple hearts. Shoot me in the foot.
 * Brian: What? Shoot yourself in the foot.
 * Stewie: No, no, they can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.
 * Brian: I don't think this is gonna work.
 * Stewie: Of course it'll work. Okay, ready? One...two...three!
 * [Both shoot; Brian gets shot, but misses Stewie]
 * Brian: AGHHHHHH!! Dammit! Oh, my God, that hurts! [groans in pain]
 * Stewie: I think you've missed me.
 * Brian: All right, I'll try again.
 * Stewie: Uh, no, no, no! Hang on, that looks like it's painful.
 * Brian: Of course it's painful! There's a bullet in my foot, now get over here!
 * Stewie: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I change my mind! [Brian starts attempting to shoot Stewie's foot] I don't want to do this!
 * Brian: Come on, we had a deal! [Brian, despite being injured, still tries to shoot Stewie]
 * Stewie: No, no, no, no! Don't point that at me! Oh, oh, no, no, no! No, oh, God, come on! This is bad for God's sake! [starts faking he got shot] Oh ow, ow, oh ow! Oh, you got me! Ow, ow, ow!
 * Brian: Let me see it.
 * Stewie: No, no, it's gross.
 * Brian: Let me see it!
 * Stewie: No, I don't want you to gross you out. Oh, ow, ow! We are in so much pain right now, the two of us! Oh, ow-

[Brian shoots again, hitting Stewie in the foot, causing him to scream]
 * Stewie: OWW! OKAY, THAT WAS REAL!
 * [The two approach to the leader, hoping with one foot]
 * Stewie: Uh, hey, hi! I'm Private Stewie, and this is Private Brian. Uh, we both got shot in the foot. So, we figured an honorable discharge would be in order, uh, and you could just send us back to the States.
 * Leader: Getting shot doesn't get you out of here anymore.
 * Brian: What?!
 * Leader: Yeah, we take whatever we can get, I mean, we got two dead guys, guarding the admonition.

[cuts to two dead soldiers, guarding the ammo hangar, then cuts back] Leader: Sorry guys, you are here, until the job is done.
 * Army man: Great news, everybody! Democracy just kicked in!

Whistle While Your Wife Works

 * [Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
 * Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
 * Lois: OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
 * Joe: [enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
 * Stewie: You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
 * Chris: [finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
 * Meg: We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
 * Cleveland: [enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

 * Stewie: Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
 * Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
 * Stewie: [to Brian] Is she retarded?
 * Brian: Can you please leave now?!
 * Stewie: Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
 * Brian: Shut up! That's not it at all!

Prick Up Your Ears

 * Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!
 * Meg: Abstinent.
 * Peter: Absent.
 * Meg: Abstinent.
 * Peter: You're grounded.

Chick Cancer

 * Brian: So what happened?
 * Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?
 * Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
 * Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.

Barely Legal

 * Lois: Peter, bring that giraffe back!
 * Peter: Alright, let's go, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
 * [the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
 * Quagmire: [from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
 * [the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
 * Cleveland: What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans...

 * Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
 * Morris: WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
 * Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
 * Morris: I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
 * Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
 * Morris: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
 * Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
 * Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
 * [Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]
 * Meg: [sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.
 * [Morris reappears]
 * Morris: Mmm, I like your ass.

Road to Rupert

 * Brian: [while running away with Stewie] How are we gonna get out of here?
 * Stewie: You still got the starting gun?
 * Brian: Yeah?
 * Stewie: Give it to me.
 * (Brian hands Stewie the gun) (Cut to a single green car at a stop light in Aspen)
 * Stewie: (furiously to the driver of the car, while holding up the gun) GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (breaks car window with the gun) GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT! I'LL KILL YOU! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN!
 * (While Stewie is screaming at the driver, Brian effortlessly removes the terrified driver from the car, puts Stewie in the passenger seat, climbs into the driver seat and speeds away)
 * (Cut to a highway road back to Rhode Island; the car Brian and Stewie just stole is now seen driving back to Quahog)
 * Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
 * Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Peter's Two Dads

 * [Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]
 * Stewie: Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?
 * Cleveland: You're welcome.
 * Lois: Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!
 * Stewie: These are mine, you hear me? MINE!
 * Lois: Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.
 * Stewie: I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
 * [cutaway]
 * Asian Santa: What you want? What you want for Christmas?
 * Stewie: Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...
 * Asian Santa: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?
 * Asian Kid: Fire truck!
 * Asian Santa: What color?
 * Asian Kid: Red!
 * Asian Santa: Next!
 * Asian Kid: [As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!

 * [At Peter and Lois' bedroom, Stewie is rooting through Peter and Lois' closet, and taking some of their stuff]
 * Stewie: This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages". "Dare card: have her do a strip tease, and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a "bonner"?
 * Lois: Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?! You give that back to Mommy!
 * Stewie: [refuses] NO! GO TO HELL!
 * Lois: Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours! Now, give that back to Mommy!
 * Stewie: Very well, then. If I can't have it, NOBODY CAN! [He rips the necklace of pearls]
 * Lois: [angry] THAT IS ENOUGH! [She spanks Stewie]
 * Stewie: [scared] You... you struck me!
 * Lois: [gasped] Oh, my God! Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?
 * [Stewie cries]
 * Lois: Oh, honey, I'm sorry! Mommy would never hurt you! Let me give you a hug.
 * [Stewie squeals in fright as he runs out of the bedroom]

The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

 * Peter: Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
 * Kyle: [mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"
 * Peter: Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.
 * Kyle: "What you did the other day was wrong!"
 * Peter: You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.
 * Kyle: "You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
 * Peter: Shut up, Kyle.
 * Kyle: "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
 * Peter: Kyle, I said shut up.
 * Kyle: You're a poop-nose.
 * [Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]

 * [Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]
 * Stewie: [whispers] I love you.
 * Brian: What? What'd you say?
 * Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
 * Brian: Olive juice?
 * Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice you too...

Airport '07

 * TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.
 * Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
 * Redneck: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
 * Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
 * Redneck: Goooooooooood.
 * Sagan: -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
 * Redneck: Jesus-
 * Sagan: -annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
 * Redneck: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

 * West: "You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." [one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading] "You should make the time," said the farmer.

Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

 * [Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
 * Brian: How do you think it works?
 * Stewie: I have no idea.
 * Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
 * Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
 * Brian: What's that big back part?
 * Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
 * Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.
 * Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
 * Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.
 * Stewie: Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...
 * [the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]

No Meals on Wheels

 * Announcer: We now return to America's Next Top Model.
 * [in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]
 * Model: I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
 * Banks: You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, [furiously screaming at the top of her lungs] HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW!
 * [a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]

Boys Do Cry

 * [the horse barges in and stops the execution of Peter]
 * Peter: Horsey! You saved my life!
 * Horsey: [in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.
 * Peter: Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!
 * Horsey: That's right!
 * Peter: Awesome!

No Chris Left Behind

 * Peter: Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?
 * Giant Chicken: You know, I've completely forgotten.
 * Peter: Me too.
 * Giant Chicken: Something about a coupon...
 * Peter: I cannot, for the life of me, remember...
 * Giant Chicken: Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.
 * Peter: No, no, no. I'm alright.
 * Giant Chicken: But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?
 * Peter: Well, that sounds lovely.

It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

 * Lois: Hey, you guys.
 * Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
 * Lois: What?
 * Chris: What?

Meet the Quagmires

 * [The opening to The Jetsons is shown, however when Jane takes George's wallet, he stops her from leaving the flying car]
 * George Jetson: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping!
 * Jane Jetson: I was just going to buy some groceries.
 * George Jetson: Bullshit!

 * [Peter is playing Menstrual Ms. Pac-Man]
 * Ms. Pac-Man: WHAT!? WHAT!?
 * Blinky: Geez!
 * Clyde: Nothing!
 * Pinky: Bitch!

title: Family Guy/Season 5


text:
User talk:Lotoazul

Hi. Welcome to English Wikiquote. Enjoy!-- UDScott 20:07, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

CSI: Miami
Thank you for your work on this page, but I wanted to point out one formatting thing: the character wikipedia links for a given character need to only appear once per episode, the first time that character is quoted in the episode. I've fixed this a few times on your additions. Thanks. ~ UDScott 20:07, 14 May 2007 (UTC)

title: User talk:Lotoazul


text:
Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 15, 2007

Human life itself may be almost pure chaos, but the work of the artist — the only thing he's good for — is to take these handfuls of confusion and disparate things, things that seem to be irreconcilable, and put them together in a frame to give them some kind of shape and meaning. Even if it's only his view of a meaning. That's what he's for — to give his view of life. ~ Katherine Anne Porter

title: Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 15, 2007


text:
User talk:TripH

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:21, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

title: User talk:TripH


text:
User talk:Soulay~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:21, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Soulay. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Soulay~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:36, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:58, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Soulay~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Sableye22~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Sableye22. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Sableye22~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:34, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:57, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Sableye22~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Kortoom~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Kortoom. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Kortoom~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:29, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:51, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Kortoom~enwikiquote


text: Wikiquote:Welcome log/2007/05/14

title: Wikiquote:Welcome log/2007/05/14


text:
User talk:Marcovam~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Marcovam. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Marcovam~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:29, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:52, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Marcovam~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Damion~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Damion. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Damion~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:21, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:45, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Damion~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:Jsf~enwikiquote

Hi, on behalf of the Welcoming Committee, Welcome to the English Wikiquote! Enjoy! WelcomeBot owner! question? 22:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)
 * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read Wikiquote.
 * Also see What Wikiquote is not for common activities that Wikiquote does not support.
 * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our Village pump or ask one of the members of the Welcoming Committee.
 * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our browsing start page.
 * Before creating new articles, consult our guide. You may practice how to edit a page at Sandbox.
 * Please remember to use edit summaries when editing pages.
 * When posting to a discussion, please sign with a date by writing four tildes (~~) and saving.
 * Be bold.

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Jsf. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Jsf~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:25, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:50, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Jsf~enwikiquote