text:
Henry Beard

Henry Nichols Beard (born June 7, 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.

Quotes

 * Perennial: Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
 * Gardening: A Gardener's Dictionary (1982)

Latin for All Occasions (1990)

 * , 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.

 * Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

 * Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades. If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.

 * Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 * Anates tuas in acie instrue. Get your ducks in a row.

 * Lege atque lacrima. Read-em and weep.

 * Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

 * Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it.

 * Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum. I can't get no satisfaction.

 * Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

 * Quantum illae stolae pependisti? You paid how much for that dress?

 * Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
 * An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.

 * Hidden Latin Insults:

 * Podex perfectus es. Claim it means: You did a terrific job. What it really means: You are a total asshole.

 * Stercorem pro cerebro habes. Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought. What it really means: You have shit for brains.

 * Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum. Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you. What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

 * Phony ailments:

 * Taedium pellucidorum. An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.

title: Henry Beard


text:
Imperialism

Imperialism, as defined by the Dictionary of Human Geography, is "an unequal human and territorial relationship, usually in the form of an empire, based on ideas of superiority and practices of dominance, and involving the extension of authority and control of one state or people over another." It is often considered in a negative light, as merely the exploitation of native people in order to enrich a small handful.

A

 * I turn green in bed at midnight if I think of the horror of a year's warfare in the Philippines ... We must slaughter a million or two foolish Malays in order to give them the comforts of flannel petticoats and electric railways.
 * Henry Adams, quoted in Little Brown Brother: How the United States Purchased and Pacified the Philippine Islands at the Century's Turn by Leon Wolff, p. 195

 * Let them take the debate which had recently been carried on with so much vivacity on the subject of Imperial expansion. There was a process of expansion which was as normal, as necessary, as inseparable, and unmistakable a sign of vitality in a nation as the corresponding processes in the growing human body. We might control and direct it by oversight and by means adapted to the end, but we could not arrest it. ... [I]t was not part of the most illustrious apostles and disciples of Liberalism to condemn expansion in the sense which he had described it.
 * H. H. Asquith, speech in Darwen, Lancashire (27 January 1899), quoted in The Times (28 January 1899), p. 8

B

 * The alarm must be sounded because it is the economic and social system of capitalism and imperialism that prevents the urgently needed full mobilization of the potential economic surplus and the attainment of rates of economic advancement that can be secured with its help.
 * Paul A. Baran, The Political Economy Of Growth (1957) Chapter Seven, Towards A Morphology Of Backwardness, II, p. 244.

 * There was a time when people of the rich nations of the world regarded poverty as a "natural condition" for those living in the poor nations of the world. ... Today we have largely been stripped of this pseudo-innocence. We know that the poor are so poor because the rich are so rich, that the causes of poverty can be traced to deliberate decisions and deliberate economic and political policies designed to benefit the rich and powerful. We know that poverty and unemployment are not just accidents of history but deliberate, even indispensable, components of capitalism as an economic system.
 * Allan Boesak, Comfort and Protest (1987), p. 67

 * OK boomers... You have zero jurisdiction on a sovereign and independent nation. We are not your colony, your back yard or your front yard. Stay out of our internal affairs. Don’t try to control something you can’t control.
 * Nayib Bukele, Twitter post (February 16, 2022) in response to "Risch, Menendez, Cassidy Introduce Legislation to Mitigate Risks of El Salvador’s Adoption of Bitcoin" (February 16, 2022) by the U.S. Foreign Relations Committee

C

 * For my part, I make a systematic defense of the non-European civilizations. Every day that passes, every denial of justice, every beating by the police, every demand of the workers that is drowned in blood, every scandal that is hushed tip, every punitive expedition, every police van, every gendarme and every militiaman, brings home to us the value of our old societies.  They were communal societies, never societies of the many for the few.  They were societies that were not only ante-capitalist, as has been said, but also anti-capitalist.  They were democratic societies, always.  They were cooperative societies, fraternal societies.  I make a systematic defense of the societies destroyed by imperialism.
 * Aimé Césaire, Discourse on Colonialism  (1955)

 * There's one white powder which is by far the most lethal known. It's called sugar. If you look at the history of imperialism, a lot of it has to do with that. A lot of the imperial conquest, say in the Caribbean, set up a kind of a network... The Caribbean back in the 18th century was a soft drug producer: sugar, rum, tobacco, chocolate. And in order to do it, they had to enslave Africans, and it was done largely to pacify working people in England who were being driven into awful circumstances by the early industrial revolution. That's why so many wars took place around the Caribbean.
 * Noam Chomsky, Talk at the University of Houston, Texas, October 18, 2002

 * Our inhabitants are especially free to promote their own welfare. They are unburdened by militarism. They are not called upon to support any imperialistic designs. Every mother can rest in the assurance that her children will find here a land of devotion, prosperity and peace. The tall shaft near which we are gathered and yonder stately memorial remind us that our standards of manhood are revealed in the adoration which we pay to Washington and Lincoln. They are unrivaled and unsurpassed. Above all else, they are Americans.
 * Calvin Coolidge, Address before the Holy Name Society, Washington, D.C., (21 September 1924).

 * The American forces are distinctly the forces of peace. They are the guaranties of that order and tranquility in this part of the world, which is alike beneficial to us and all the other nations. Everyone knows that we covet no territory, we entertain no imperialistic designs, we harbor no enmity toward any other people. We seek no revenge, we nurse no grievances, we have inflicted no injuries, and we fear no enemies. Our ways are the ways of peace.
 * Calvin Coolidge, "Ways to Peace" speech at Arlington (31 May 1926).

D

 * [B]y 1870 the logic of empire seemed to be ebbing. There was little in the way of luxuries that could not be made more cheaply in the industrial core. Plus, it became more expensive to conquer than to trade. But empires are not built on logic alone, and... they continued to grow. Conquering, controlling, exploiting, and... a general debasing, continued. ...By 1870 the difference in power between imperial and subjected colony had become immense... The improvements in transport and communications made war and conquest and occupation vastly easier.
 * J. Bradford DeLong, Slouching Towards Utopia: An Economic History of the Twentieth Century (2022)

 * Viewed in retrospect, the last thirty years of the nineteenth century... almost the whole continent of Africa, considerable parts of Asia, and even the islands of the Pacific Ocean were being swiftly annexed to the empires of rival European powers. That they did not fight among themselves over the spoil may be attributed to the consideration that, broadly speaking, there was enough for all comers. That wars against resisting natives were of altogether minor importance is due chiefly to technological progress, as a single example may show. In the 4 ½-hour battle of Omdurman in 1898, Kitchener was fighting a brave and desperate enemy, who had twice his number of men. Yet he won the Sudan at a cost of 48 killed, whereas over 11,000 Dervish corpses were counted: he had at his disposal 44 pieces of field artillery, 20 Maxim machine-guns, and a flotilla of gun-boats firing a high explosive (lyddite) never seen in action before.
 * T. K. Derry & Trevor I. Williams, A Short History of Technology: From the Earliest Times to A.D. 1900 (1960) Ch.10 Historical Survey (1750-1900)

 * Radio ... is now the chief agent of imperialism. It does not purify the spirit of man, does not, like the book, bring him back to the sanctuary of solitude, but throws him to the lions, subtly preparing his mind for the blood and chains of public sacrifice.
 * Georges Duhamel, In Defense of Letters (1937), E. Bozman, trans. (1939), p. 42.

G

 * To remain a great nation or to become one, you must colonise.
 * Léon Gambetta, Quoted in James Joll, Europe since 1870: an International History (London, Penguin, 1990), p. 81.

 * My ambition is much higher than independence. Through the deliverance of India, I seek to deliver the so-called weaker races of the Earth from the crushing heels of Western exploitation in which England is the greatest partner.
 * Mohandas Gandhi, Young India, 12 January 1928. Quoted in The Essential Writings of Gandhi, edited by Judith Brown. Oxford University Press, 2008, (p. 153).

 * We have communal quarrels-not that they are peculiar to us. England had also its Wars of the Roses, and today British Imperialism is the enemy of the world.
 * Mohandas Gandhi, Harijan, 30 October 1937. Quoted in The Essential Writings of Gandhi, edited by Judith Brown. Oxford University Press, 2008, (p. 306).

 * The new coronavirus variant Omicron is spreading across the world at an unprecedented rate. The World Health Organization warns cases of the heavily mutated variant have been confirmed in 77 countries, and likely many others that have yet to detect it.With international infections climbing, the Biden administration is facing renewed demands to follow through on his now seven-month-old pledge to ensure companies waive intellectual property protections on coronavirus vaccines and share them with the world.Now a group of vaccine experts has just released a list of over a hundred companies in Africa, Asia and Latin America with the potential to produce mRNA vaccines to fight COVID-19. They say it’s one of the most viable solutions to fight vaccine inequity around the world and combat the spread of coronavirus variants, including Omicron. ~ (Amy Goodman)
 * Amy Goodman, Achal Prabhala quoted in As Omicron Spreads, 100+ Firms in Africa, Asia & Latin America Can Make mRNA Vaccine If Tech Shared, Democracy Now!],  (16 December 2021)

H

 * Only at first does it seem paradoxical that the anti-internationalism of conservatism is so frequently associated with imperialism. But the more a person dislikes the strange and thinks his own ways superior, the more he tends to regard it as his mission to "civilize" other — not by the voluntary and unhampered intercourse which the liberal favors, but by bringing them the blessings of efficient government. It is significant that here again we frequently find the conservatives joining hands with the socialists against the liberals.
 * Friedrich Hayek, "Why I am not a Conservative", in The Constitution of Liberty, (1960).

 * The architects of imperialism, the masters of war, the corporate-controlled legislative, judicial and executive branches of government and their obsequious courtiers in the media, are illegitimate. Say this simple truth and you are banished, as many of us have been, to the margins of the media landscape. Prove this truth, as Julian, Chelsea Manning, Jeremy Hammond and Edward Snowden have by allowing us to peer into the inner workings of power, and you are hunted down and persecuted.
 * Chris Hedges, Revisiting the case of Julian Assange and the reality of the "rule of law", Salon (15 June 2021)

 * The long campaign against Julian and WikiLeaks is a window into the collapse of the rule of law, the rise of what the political philosopher Sheldon Wolin calls our system of "inverted totalitarianism," a form of totalitarianism that maintains the fictions of the old capitalist democracy, including its institutions, iconography, patriotic symbols and rhetoric, but internally has surrendered total control to the dictates of global corporations...The criminal ruling class has all of us locked in its death grip. It cannot be reformed.  It has abolished the rule of law.  It obscures and falsifies the truth. It seeks the consolidation of its obscene wealth and power. And so, to quote the Queen of Hearts, metaphorically of course, I say, "Off with their heads."
 * Chris Hedges, Revisiting the case of Julian Assange and the reality of the "rule of law", Salon (15 June 2021)

 * Islamic revival sought the reunification of the spiritual with the social-political, and of contemporary life with cultural traditions, against the western imperialism that was forcing their separation.
 * Richard A. Horsley, Religion and Empire: People, Power, and the Life of the Spirit (2003), p. 52

 * Imperialism is challenged from two sides. On the one hand, there is a rising tide of nationalism within the various empires, entailing demands for self-government and independence. On the other hand, there is an increasing realization that the whole idea of the exclusive empire belongs to an age that is past; and that the backward regions of the world, both in respect of economic development and cultural advance, should be regarded as a responsibility resting upon the international community as a whole.
 * Aldous Huxley, "Imperialism and Colonies", in An Encyclopedia of Pacifism,1937, (p.45).

 * The religions whose theology is least preoccupied with events in time and most concerned with eternity, have been consistently less violent and more humane in political practice. Unlike early Judaism, Christianity and Mohammedanism (all obsessed with time) Hinduism and Buddhism have never been persecuting faiths, have preached almost no holy wars and have refrained from that proselytizing religious imperialism which has gone hand in hand with political and economic oppression of colored people.
 * Aldous Huxley, The Perennial philosophy

J

 * The race question is subsidiary to the class question in politics, and to think of imperialism in terms of race is disastrous. But to neglect the racial factor as merely incidental is an error only less grave than to make it fundamental.
 * C. L. R. James, The Black Jacobins, 2nd Ed., Vintage Books 1963 pp. 283.

K

 * If the imperial order of Western supremacy is very slowly beginning to change, the reasons are instructive. China's economic growth in recent decades is precisely the outcome of a constant refusal to accommodate to the Washington Consensus; that is, a refusal to allow China's economy to be shaped by the institutional structures that this system generated. Other emerging economies have also succeeded precisely to the extent that they have refused neoliberal policies.
 * , Radhika Desai, Alan Freeman, Russia, Ukraine and Contemporary Imperialism (: 2019), p. 35 ISBN 9780367231088

 * A British vessel, stopping on the way back from India at the Comoro Islands in the Mozambique Channel, finds the native inhabitants in revolt against their Arab masters; and when they ask why they have taken arms, are told, "America is free, could not we be?"
 * Gijsbert Karel, Count van Hogendorp, in 1784, quoted in "The age of the democratic revolution: a political history of Europe and America, 1760-1860" by Robert Roswell Palmer (1969)

 * 'the white man's burden' was a polite name for imperialism.
 * Melanie Kaye/Kantrowitz To Be a Radical Jew in the Late 20th Century in The Tribe of Dina: A Jewish Women's Anthology (1986)

 * Take up the White Man's burden- Send forth the best ye breed— Go bind your sons to exile To serve your captives' need.
 * Rudyard Kipling, "The White Man's Burden", Stanza 1, 1899.

L

 * The conquest of foreign peoples is often described in terms of breaking animals to harness. The verbs domare, perdomare, subigere, frangere, coercere—all regularly used of taming animals—are widespread in accounts of Roman expansion.
 * Myles Lavan, Slaves to Rome: Paradigms of Empire in Roman Culture (Cambridge University Press: 2013), p. 83

 * In his writing on U.S. imperial wars against American Indian nations, scholar Philip J. Deloria described the logic of “defensive conquest” at the heart of U.S. imperialism. According to the U.S., it uses violence only in response to the violence of others... These arguments are disingenuous, but they have been deployed to justify wars against Indigenous nations, Mexico, Spain, Vietnam, Iraq, and countless others.We must be careful to avoid the narratives that have supported U.S. imperialism for centuries. By refusing to debate these issues on the terms of the bipartisan imperialist consensus, we can argue for democracy and socialism in explicitly anti-imperialist terms.
 * Jacob F. Lee: Venezuela and the Long History of U.S. Imperialism, CounterPunch (4 March 2019)

 * Even if the Democratic administration were resoundingly successful on all fronts, its initiatives would still be utterly insufficient to resolve the existential threat of climate breakdown and the devastation of our planet’s life-support systems. That’s because the multiple problems confronting us right now are symptoms of an even more profound problem: The underlying structure of a global economic and political system that is driving civilization toward a precipice... As long as government policies emphasize growth in gross domestic product and transnational corporations relentlessly pursue shareholder returns, we will continue accelerating toward global catastrophe... We need to forge a new era for humanity — one that is defined, at its deepest level, by a transformation in the way we make sense of the world, and a concomitant revolution in our values, goals, and collective behavior. In short, we need to change the basis of our global civilization. We must move from a civilization based on wealth accumulation to one that is life-affirming: an ecological civilization...
 * Jeremy Lent, What Does An Ecological Civilization Look Like? Yes! Magazine (16 February 2021)

 * Admirers of the ‘purified’ Nietzsche have been hard put to unite his sanctioning of barbarity with an often subtle and rarefied cultural critique. But we can easily dispose of this dichotomy. In the first place, the union of ultra-refinement and brutality was by no means a personal quirk requiring psychological elucidation, but a universal, psychical-moral distinguishing mark of imperialist decadence.
 * György Lukács, The Destruction of Reason, Chapter 3, “Nietzsche as Founder of Irrationalism in the Imperialist Period” § 3

 * What caused the war? The greed of the Italian money bags and capitalists, who need new markets and new achievements for Italian imperialism. What kind of war was it? A perfected, civilised blood bath, the massacre of Arabs with the help of the “latest” weapons.
 * Vladimir Lenin "The End of the Italo-Turkish War" in Pravda, No. 129 (28 September 1912); Collected Works, Vol. 18.

 * The struggles waged by the different peoples against U.S. imperialism reinforce each other and merge into a torrential worldwide tide of opposition to U.S. imperialism…. It can be split up and defeated. The peoples of Asia, Africa, Latin America, and other regions can destroy it piece by piece, some striking at its head and others at its feet. That is why the greatest fear of U.S. imperialism is that people's wars will be launched in different parts of the world … and why it regards people's war as a mortal danger.
 * Lin Biao, minister of defense, People's Republic of China; text released September 2, 1965; reported in Samuel B. Griffith, Peking and People's Wars (1966), p. 102.

M

 * Venezuela called on the United States to respect international law and the country’s sovereignty today... Washington has long sought the overthrow of Venezuela, which it has previously included in a so-called “troika of tyranny” along with Cuba and Nicaragua. It has backed a series of failed coups while the Bolivarian government has submitted claims against the US in the International Criminal Court over its illegal use of coercive sanctions.
 * Venezuela calls on US to respect international law, Morning Star,  November 2021

N

 * There probably has been no imperialism like that of Islam and the Arabs. The Gauls, after five hundreds years of Roman rule, could recover their old gods and reverences; those beliefs hadn’t died; they lay just below the Roman surface. But Islam seeks as an article of faith to erase the past; the believers in the end honour Arabia alone; they have nothing to return to.
 * V.S. Naipaul, Naipaul VS (1998) Beyond Belief: The Islamic Incursions among the Converted Peoples, Random House, New York page 331

P

 * The oppressed were organized in Liberation Movements which started guerilla warfare against their oppressors. Though poorly equipped, their determination and commitment led to unexpected success. To combat the national liberation movements, the imperialists could no longer come out in the open and expose themselves. This would make them lose face. All they wanted was to "invisibly" control these countries. It is in this context that the modem mercenary has become an important tool of imperialism. Mercenarism as a form of soldiering is used as a vehicle for fighting the liberation movements and independent developing countries.
 * C.M. Peter, "Mercenaries and International Humanitarian Law", 24 Indian J. of Int'l L., 373, 377-78 (1984); as qtd. in Marie-France Major, "Mercenaries and International Law", Georgia J. Int'l & Comp. L. 103 (1992), p. 106.

 * I kept coming back to one main question: if the objective of foreign aid is imperialism, is that so wrong?.. I doubted whether limited resources would allow the whole world to live the opulent life of the United States, when even the United States had millions of citizens living in poverty. In addition, it wasn't entirely clear to me that people in other nations actually want to live like us. Our own statistics about violence, depression, drug abuse, divorce, and crime indicated that although ours was one of the wealthiest societies in history, it may also be one of the least happy societies. Why would we want others to emulate us?
 * John Perkins in Confessions of an Economic Hit Man (2004)  p. 69

 * I realized that my gloss as chief economist, head of Economics and Regional Planning... was part of a sinister system aimed not at outfoxing an unsuspecting customer, but rather at promoting the most subtle and effective form of imperialism the world has ever known.... The march had begun and it was rapidly encircling the planet. The hoods had discarded their leather jackets, dressed up in business suits, and taken on an air of respectability. Men and women were descending from corporate headquarters in New York, Chicago, San Francisco, London, and Tokyo, streaming across every continent to convince corrupt politicians to allow their countries to be shackled to the corporatocracy, and to induce desperate people to sell their bodies to sweatshops and assembly lines... a world of smoke and mirrors intended to keep us all shackled to a system that is morally repugnant and ultimately self-destructive.
 * John Perkins in Confessions of an Economic Hit Man (2004)p. 160

 * Imperialism and slavery are no white male monopoly, but are everywhere from Egypt, Assyria, and Persia to India, China and Japan.
 * Camille Paglia,"Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders : Academe in the Hour of the Wolf", 1991.

 * The backdrop to our report is Omicron. And what Omicron means, as we still figure out how infectious it is, how severe the infection that it causes is, what we know already are a few things. We know that all existing double-dose vaccines work less well against Omicron, which means that those who’ve had two doses of a Pfizer or Moderna vaccine in the United States need a booster. What we also know is that it’s highly transmissible and that it’s inevitably going to lead to a surge in cases, regardless of how severe they are.What that in turn means for existing vaccine inequity, which is pretty deep — Nigeria has less than 2% of its population vaccinated as compared to countries in southern Europe, where the percentage is in the eighties — what it means is that vaccine inequity suddenly becomes worse. Why? Because everyone now needs more vaccines.
 * Achal Prabhala quoted in As Omicron Spreads, 100+ Firms in Africa, Asia & Latin America Can Make mRNA Vaccine If Tech Shared, Democracy Now!],  (16 December 2021)

 * Our report is on mRNA vaccines, because they are a remarkable technology that we haven’t yet fully understood, meaning that they are not biology-based. They don’t require cells to be grown. And it means, therefore, that they can be made faster, more easily, and, therefore, by more companies than could make the previous vaccines we used to use before 2020.These vaccines were created through public money — nearly $500 million of German public money from taxpayers to BioNTech, nearly a billion dollars in money from U.S. taxpayers through the government to Moderna, several billions of dollars after that in exchange for buying back vaccines at high prices. So these are very much the people’s vaccines. It’s just that they are private property.... when the Moderna CEO says, “Oh, anyone can make the Moderna vaccine,” he’s being a bit disingenuous... It’s not really possible to do that. The way vaccines work and the way regulation around vaccines work is that they need to be made with authorization and a license.
 * Achal Prabhala quoted in As Omicron Spreads, 100+ Firms in Africa, Asia & Latin America Can Make mRNA Vaccine If Tech Shared, Democracy Now!],  (16 December 2021)

 * Moderna and Pfizer or BioNTech... need to authorize companies to make their vaccine... to share an instruction manual as to how to do it... The problem is... it loosens Moderna and Pfizer and BioNTech’s stranglehold on these vaccines... It undercuts the massive tens of billions of dollars of profit and revenue that they can earn off selling to poor countries in the next couple of years, once they’re done with rich countries... which is why... ~
 * We’re asking the U.S. and German governments instead to say, “Look, in the face of this intransigence, it’s time to use emergency laws... that you can use, that you have the moral and legal power to put into effect, and end this pandemic for us and bring us out of this incredible cycle of hell. ~ Achal Prabhala
 * Achal Prabhala quoted in As Omicron Spreads, 100+ Firms in Africa, Asia & Latin America Can Make mRNA Vaccine If Tech Shared, Democracy Now!],  (16 December 2021)

R

 * The suppression of natural sexual gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural aggression, for example, becomes brutal sadism which then is an essential mass-psychological factor in imperialistic wars.
 * Wilhelm Reich, The Mass Psychology of Fascism (1933) Ch. 1: Ideology As Material Power, Section 4: The Social Function of Sexual Suppression, quoted in R. Claire Snyder Citizen-soldiers and Manly Warriors: Military Service and Gender in the Civic Republican Tradition, Rowman & Littlefield, 1999, p. 152.

 * Imperialism is itself a phase of capitalist development in which Western European capitalist countries, the U.S.A., and Japan established political, economic, military, and cultural hegemony over other parts of the world which were initially at a lower level and therefore could not resist domination. Imperialism was in effect the extended capitalist system, which for many years embraced the whole world—one part being the exploiters and the other the exploited, one part being dominated and the other acting as overlords, one part making policy and the other being dependent.
 * Walter Rodney,

 * is manifesting itself in Africa as a chronic symptom of the underdevelopment of political life within the imperialist context. Military coups have followed one after the other, usually meaning nothing to the mass of the people, and sometimes representing a reactionary reversal of the efforts at national liberation. This trend was well exemplified in Latin American history, so that its appearance in neo-colonial South Vietnam or in neo-colonial Africa is not at all surprising. If economic power is centered outside national African boundaries, then political and military power in any real sense is also centered outside until, and unless, the masses of peasants and workers are mobilized to offer an alternative to the system of sham political independence.
 * Walter Rodney,

 * Colonialism was one aspect of imperialism. Colonialism was based on alien political rule and was restricted to some parts of the world. Imperialism, however, underlay all colonies, extended all over the world (except where replaced by socialist revolutions), and it allowed the participation of all capitalist nations. Therefore, lack of colonies on the part of any capitalist nation was not a barrier to enjoying the fruits of exploiting the colonial and semi-colonial world, which was the backyard of metropolitan capitalism.
 * Walter Rodney,

 * The beliefs appropriate to the impulse of aggression may be seen in Bernhardi, or in the early Mohammedan conquerors, or, in full perfection, in the Book of Joshua. There is first of all a conviction of the superior excellence of one's own group, a certainty that they are in some sense the chosen people. This justifies the feeling that only the good and evil of one's own group is of real importance, and that the rest of the world is to be regarded merely as material for the triumph or salvation of the higher race. In modern politics this attitude is embodied in imperialism.
 * Bertrand Russell, Why men fight: a Method of Abolishing the International Duel.

 * Rome ruled the world with that phalanx formation and Britain with the three-masted ship; America has ruled the world with the moving image and the projection of image around the world.
 * Canadian actor, director, and comedian Mike Myers interviewed in 's  (2017)

S

 * In so far as nationalism inculcates in us a sense of national and social justice which call upon us to fight any system that is oppressive or tyrannical both in our country and the world, there I am completely with nationalism. I hate Imperialism whether British or Japanese or Burmese.
 * Aung San, Address to a meeting of the Anglo-Burman Council at the City Hall, Rangoon (8 December 1946).
 * The answer to the question of 1941 has less to do with the intellectual heritage of the Enlightenment and more to do with the possibilities for imperialism, less to do with Paris and more to do with London. Hitler and Stalin both confronted the two chief inheritances of the British nineteenth century: imperialism as an organizing principle of world politics, and the unbroken power of the British Empire at sea. Hitler, unable to rival the British on the oceans, saw eastern Europe as ripe for a new land empire. The East was not quite a tabula rasa: the Soviet state and all of its works had to be cleared away. But then it would be, as Hitler said in July 1941, a “Garden of Eden.” The British Empire had been a central preoccupation of Stalin’s predecessor Lenin, who believed that imperialism artificially sustained capitalism. Stalin’s challenge, as Lenin’s successor, was to defend the homeland of socialism, the Soviet Union, against a world where both imperialism and capitalism persisted. Stalin had made his concession to the imperialist world well before Hitler came to power: since imperialism continued, socialism would have to be represented not by world revolution but by the Soviet state. After this ideological compromise (“socialism in one country”), Stalin’s alliance with Hitler was a detail. After all, when one’s country is a fortress of good surrounded by a world of evil, any compromise is justified, and none is worse than any other. Stalin said that the arrangement with Germany had served Soviet interests well. He expected it to end at some point, but not in 1941.
 * Timothy D. Snyder, Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin (2010)

 * To my mind, imperialism is something very simple and clear and it exists as a fact when one country, a large country, seizes a certain strip of territory and subjects to its laws a certain number of men and women against their will. Soviet policy after the beginning of the second world war was precisely this. There is no difficulty in pointing this out, but the difficulty lies in the fact that when one quotes from memory one will forget one or other argument. Because the Russians, thanks to the second world war, have quite simply annexed the three Baltic States, taken a piece of Finland, a piece of Rumania, a piece of Poland, a piece of Germany and, thanks to a well thought-out policy composed of internal subversion and external pressure, have established Governments justifiably styled as Satellites, in Warsaw, Prague, Budapest, Sofia, Bucharest, Tirana and East Berlin - I except Belgrade where the regime is unique thanks to the energy and courage of Marshal Tito. If all this does not constitute manifestations of imperialism, if all this is not the result of a policy consciously willed and consciously pursued, an imperialist aim, then indeed we shall have to start to go back to a new discussion and a new definition of words.
 * Paul-Henri Spaak, "The Atlantic Alliance and its Future," 14 September 1957

 * The imperialism of all countries knows no “understanding"; it knows only one right—capital’s profits; it knows only one language—the sword; it knows only one method—violence. And if it is now talking in all countries, in yours as well as ours, about the “League of Nations,” “disarmament,” “rights of small nations,” “self-determination of the peoples,” it is merely using the customary lying phrases of the rulers for the purpose of lulling to sleep the watchfulness of the proletariat.
 * Spartacus Manifesto

T

 * The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
 * Leon Trotsky, "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936).

 * Imperialism, trying to preserve itself in the face of the oppressed masses’ anticolonial struggle, presented neocolonialism to the masses.
 * Kwame Ture, Afterword

 * The task of imperialism is to divide and rule, isolate and dominate.
 * Kwame Ture, Afterword

 * It should, it seems to me, be our pleasure and duty to make those people [the Filipinos] free, and let them deal with their own domestic questions in their own way. And so I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land.
 * Mark Twain, New York Herald, October 15, 1900, quoted in A Pen Warmed Up In Hell:Mark Twain in Protest, edited by Frederick Anderson, Harper & Row, 1979.

W

 * US imperialism is the greatest destroyer of human life on earth. It is in whole an economic, political and cultural system. It feeds on piracy of the Third World. It colonizes Black and Third World people with the US and dives, exploits, rapes and attempts to buy off poor and working people. Because of imperialism people live in shanty-towns in Saigon and Rio De Janeiro. The same system is responsible for the sub-standard conditions of one quarter of the housing in this country. Us imperialism is a parasite on the Third World, and traps us in a culture of waste and death. For the benefit of imperialism we live in a society either at war or producing and preparing for war all the times.
 * The Weather Underground, Prairie Fire (1974)

 * What can we learn from the outcome of this war-this war that never was a national war? The imperialist ideology of force, from whatever side it comes, must be shattered for all time. A one sided Prussian militarism must never again be allowed to assume power. Only in large-scale cooperation among the nations of Europe can the ground be prepared for reconstruction. Centralized hegemony, such as the Prussian state has tried to exercise in Germany and in Europe, must be cut down at its inception. The Germany of the future must be a federal state.
 * White Rose Resistance Group, Fifth Leaflet, circa 1942.

 * In spite of the fact that we have no such fleet as we should have, we have conquered for ourselves a place in the sun. It will now be my task to see to it that this place in the sun shall remain our undisputed possession, in order that the sun's rays may fall fruitfully upon our activity and trade in foreign parts, that our industry and agriculture may develop within the state and our sailing sports upon the water, for our future lies upon the water.
 * Wilhelm II of Germany, Speech in Hamburg (18 June 1901).
 * Variant: Germany must have her place in the sun. (said not by Wilhelm himself but of Bernhard von Bülow). As quoted in Germanism from Within (1916) by Alexander Duncan Mclaren.

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Imperialism


text:
The Games (Australian TV series)

The Games (1998–2000) was an Australian mockumentary television series about the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. The series was originally broadcast on the ABC and had two seasons of 13 episodes each, the first in 1998 and the second in 2000.

The Press Conference [1.1]

 * Barrie Cassidy: See that thing you're doing with your hands?
 * John Clarke: Yes.
 * Barrie Cassidy: Never do that.

 * Barrie Cassidy: This is just a huge distraction, isn't it?
 * Gina Riley: Pardon?
 * Barrie Cassidy: This is just a huge distraction.
 * Bryan Dawe: Pardon?
 * John Clarke: Pardon?
 * Gina Riley Pardon?
 * Barrie Cassidy: Isn't this whole issue just a distraction?
 * John Clarke: Er ... sorry Barrie? Er ... yeah. It probably was.

 * John Clarke: Does anyone have any questions that don't have anything to do with lacrosse?
 * Journalist: How much over budget are the Games at the moment?
 * John Clarke: Have we got any more lacrosse questions?

 * Journalist: Is Mister ... "Costellopto" going to be coming?

 * Journalist: Your budget figures seem to be blown to the shithouse.
 * John Clarke: Excuse me? That's a question is it, Shakespeare?

Athletics Schedule [1.2]

 * Bryan Dawe: John, what is this amount here?
 * John Clarke: Where it says 'contingency'?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes.
 * John Clarke: It's a contingency.
 * Bryan Dawe: Yeah. What's it for.
 * John Clarke: I don't know what it's for. If I knew what it was for, it wouldn't be a contingency. That's what a contingency is.
 * Bryan Dawe: John, I know what a contingency is. I want to know what it's for.
 * John Clarke: Well, the opening ceremony. How the hell are we supposed to know how much the opening ceremony's going to cost, it hasn't happened yet!

 * Bryan Dawe: John, why didn't you guess a hundred million?
 * John Clarke: A hundred million dollars?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yeah.
 * John Clarke: It's a bloody opening ceremony Bryan, it's not global poverty!

 * Bryan Dawe: John? John?
 * John Clarke: [To President Clinton on the telephone] Sorry to do this to you again, I'll be with you as soon as possible.
 * Bryan Dawe: John, this contingency here is supposed to be in the bank account according to your figures.
 * John Clarke: You're still here.
 * Bryan Dawe: It's not in the bank account!
 * John Clarke: Bryan, look, I don't want to worry you. I've got Juan Antonio Samaranch coming here in half an hour to see a swimming pool. We haven't even finished stage 1 on!
 * Bryan Dawe: Appreciate that.
 * John Clarke: We've finished the water! I can show him the water! I've got the Premier out there now having a cup of coffee, I hope he doesn't drop it - he'll set fire to himself Bryan! I've got a very nice Mr Clinton on the blower here, I've not even had time to speak to him! I haven't got time to go pushme-pullyou with all this budgetary crap!

 * John Clarke: Are you serious? No-one is going to see the final of the 1500 metres? It's one of the most popular events we've got going! I mean, the only people not watching it, Gina, will be people who like watching synchonised drowning on channel six million and eight!

 * Gina Riley: It's on at a quarter to four in the morning!
 * John Clarke: A quarter to four in the morning out here, sure, by all means! But that's not where the bloody audience for the event is!
 * Gina Riley: But there's not going to be an audience! You're not going to get an audience! You've got the thing on in the middle of the bloody night!

 * John Clarke: That is the only place ON THE PLANET where it will be the middle of the night!

 * [Discussing the film Chariots of Fire]:
 * John Clarke: It's about this guy Anderson...
 * Gina Riley: Abrahams.
 * John Clarke: ... and he's competing in the 400 metres ...
 * Gina Riley: 100.
 * John Clarke: ... in the Helsinki Olympics.
 * Gina Riley: In Paris.
 * John Clarke: In 1932.
 * Gina Riley: 24.
 * John Clarke: And there's this other guy, Little.
 * Gina Riley: Liddell.

Funding [1.3]

 * Bryan Dawe: Eighty years of age. We would have had him kneecapped at forty.

 * John Clarke: Ah, one message! This is the Olympics and we have one message. The rest of the world has conducted its business while we slept and we have one message. Let's hear it world. How can we help you?
 * Voice on answering machine: ... so if you could call back on that number at your earliest convenience Mr Clarke, I would be very grateful.
 * John Clarke: After the beep! AFTER the beep! Après le bloody beep!

 * John Clarke: You know what irritates me?
 * Gina Riley: Pollen?

 * [Reading the paper with increasing anger]:
 * John Clarke: That's not right. That's wrong. That's not that guy's position. He is not head of the Athletics Federation. Sorry, he isn't. That is completely wrong. Check your facts! He's not Portuguese, he's Polish ... and you, sir, are a bloody idiot.

 * Video voiceover: No wucking furries.

 * Gina Riley: What couldn't you do without?
 * John Clarke: My arse.

 * John Clarke: Tobacco sponsorship?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes.
 * John Clarke: Well done Bryan. That really is terrific news. Now here's a number. I want to see if you can get some more. You ring that. That's the Cambodian Embassy. They'll have a number for the estate of the late Pol Pot. See if you can get them to tip some money into a humanitarian sponsorship of some kind. You seem to be good at it.

 * John Clarke: The Formula One Grand Prix is currently less interesting than the video game that's based on it. The cars go around in a circle, they get Murray Walker off the ceiling, the game itself is a procession. You can't get past - the car in front at the beginning wins the race. The whole thing is decided by who's going to have a pit-stop. They're the fastest cars on Earth and the key element here, Bryan, is not racing. It's parking!

 * Gina Riley: Your favourite drink ... apple and guava juice.
 * John Clarke: Why don't you just put 'wanker'?

 * Bryan Dawe: You're just afraid if you start again you won't stop.
 * John Clarke: Well that's the thing with addictive chemicals, Bryan!

 * Elderly lady: Apple and guava? Wanker.

Robbo and the 100 Metres [1.4]

 * Gina Riley: I've got to go.
 * John Clarke: It's only ten past nine.
 * Gina Riley: You know what the traffic is like.
 * John Clarke: I do. It's a good thing we're not expected to run a major sporting event in this city. It could well be complete mayhem.

 * John Clarke: Mr Wilson.
 * Jasmine Holt: [Interrupting] Now John ...
 * John Clarke: Or Jasmine, of course. That's the other obvious alternative.

 * John Clarke: I don't understand then, Mr Wilson, why in the construction of a 100-metre track you would want to depart too radically from the constraints laid down for us by the conventional calibration of distance.

 * John Clarke: Mr Wilson. Do you know who is the current 100 metres all-comers Australian record holder?
 * Mr Wilson: Can I guess?
 * John Clarke: There's not much point in guessing.
 * Mr Wilson: Is he an African American?
 * John Clarke: He's not an African American, no.
 * Mr Wilson: Is he that Canadian from Jamaica?
 * John Clarke: No, he's not a Canadian from Jamaica.
 * Mr Wilson: I give up.
 * John Clarke: The 100-metre record in this country, Mr Wilson, is currently held by Bryan.
 * Mr Wilson: Bryan?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes.
 * Mr Wilson: Congratulations.
 * Bryan Dawe: Thank you.
 * John Clarke: A new mark, Mr Wilson, set at a blistering session last Wednesday. I wish you'd been there. We were down there and we had a bet.
 * Mr Wilson: Was this wind assisted?
 * John Clarke: No, and we'd had a couple, and in my view Bryan is not in quite the nick he was in at the same stage of last season.

 * John Clarke: [Answering the telephone] Hello? "Dead Builder Proprietary Limited"?

 * Journalist: They say you've reneged on your commitment to use totally recycled water within the Olympic village.
 * Fran: [Whispering from off-stage] There's a good reason for that!
 * Gary Robertson: There is a good reason for that, and it is this:
 * Fran: [Whispering from off-stage] The Hindus won't touch recycled water.
 * Gary Robertson: The Zulus won't torch it.
 * Journalist: The Zulus won't torch it?
 * Gary Robertson: Not in a million years. We asked them. We're not idiots.
 * Fran: [Whispering from off-stage] The Indians won't drink it!
 * Gary Robertson: West Indians want trinkets. What can I do? My hands are tied.

 * John Clarke: I'm a humble man, Mr Copperfield, but I refuse to be remembered as he who ran the 100 metres at the Sydney Olympics over 94 metres.

 * John Clarke: Robert Walkley?
 * Bryan Dawe: Writes for the Star.
 * John Clarke: Star?
 * Bryan Dawe: Weekly tabloid. Light-heared mixture of racism and pornography.

Past Sports Stars and Gender [1.5]

 * Gina Riley: There's a labourer over there in about Section 12. He's not so much as farted in twenty minutes. Look at him!

 * Gina Riley: Asia's broke, John. They called this morning to say they're not coming.

 * John Clarke: Let the minutes show that at this point Mr Clarke left the meeting of the Australian Rationalists' Society looking tense but dignified.

 * John Clarke: Oh I'm sorry. Did you want the slice of pizza without the staples?

 * Gina Riley: [Answering the telephone] Hello, welcome to the island continent.

 * John Clarke: David, if you could tell a man from a woman, how did a woman win the Men's World Championship?

 * John Clarke: Can this person compete or not?
 * David Pigot: In which event?
 * John Clarke: In either event.
 * David Pigot: Let's take them one at a time, shall we?
 * John Clarke: The Men's?
 * David Pigot: No
 * John Clarke: The Women's?
 * David Pigot: No.
 * John Clarke: That pretty much exhausts the possibilities as I see it.

 * John Clarke: David, do you want the shooting to be a very big success at the Sydney Olympics, or are you completely insane? Richo says you can only pick one.

Millennium Bug/FAQs [1.6]

 * [Discussing the problem of the Millennium Bug]
 * John Clarke: I don't see what all the fuss is about. What did they do the last time this happened?
 * Bryan Dawe: What, in 1899?

 * John Clarke: There I was thinking you were a bloody idiot and it turns out you're very smart.

 * John Clarke: Plan B, Bryan, is basically Plan A with an element of panic.
 * John Clarke: [Attempting vainly to imitate Gina's voice] Open up! Open computer up!

 * [Giving a live press conference over the internet]
 * Gina Riley: How do people send questions to us on the internet?
 * John Clarke: With a mouse, as I understand it Gina.

 * [Answering questions sent by email]
 * John Clarke: This is just one taken at random. This is actually about the country, Australia. What is the population of Australia, and what are its main industries?
 * Gina Riley: Well, the population is about 17 million.
 * John Clarke: Yes, and we don't have any industries as such.

 * [Answering questions sent by email]
 * Gina Riley: I have another question here: what is the separation of powers?
 * John Clarke: Ah, well this is a constitutional question. The separation of powers is a constitutional division of the two entities in which power is vested in Australia: Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. If Mr Packer wants cricket, Mr Murdoch would be given Telecoms. If Mr Murdoch wants rugby league, of course Mr Packer would be given the cotton industry.

 * [Giving a live press conference over the internet]
 * John Clarke: If you would like us to answer any questions on the internet - perhaps we could settle an argument, or maybe you'd like to make a booking, or perhaps you're just curious - this is how you get in touch with us: 'dot com'.
 * Bryan Dawe: What's 'dot com', John?
 * John Clarke: What is 'dot com'? I was told you 'dot com' - you put the mouse through the window in the 'dot com'.
 * Bryan Dawe: No, no ... no.
 * John Clarke: And you do it, and it comes through the service station. And you choose the search motor, and there's a drop-down dinner.

Dead Man [1.7]

 * John Clarke: I don’t think there’s a serious problem with Sydney water. I mean, I drink it. Unless you mean the incident the other night when somebody emptied the Olympic pool by mistake and killed a couple of hundred species of fish up in the Ryde area but that’s a once-er, that’s not going to happen again.

 * [Arguing about who should "entertain" a visiting IOC Official]
 * Gina Riley: You take him out.
 * John Clarke: Oh, he doesn’t want to go out with me, Gina.
 * Gina Riley: Of course he does. He’s bisexual. He’ll love it.
 * John Clarke: I beg your pardon?
 * Gina Riley: It’s a courtesy, John. It happens all over the world.

 * John Clarke: Would you like to sit down?
 * Nicholas Bell: No, I won’t, thank you. [Sits down]

 * John Clarke: We were just discussing who might attend the dinner with the delegate.
 * Nicholas Bell: He’s dead.
 * John Clarke: I beg your pardon?
 * Nicholas Bell: He was found dead in his hotel room at four o’clock this morning.
 * John Clarke: How dead?
 * Nicholas Bell: Well, completely dead.

 * Jasmine Holt: Look, look, Bryan, Bryan. If KFC gets, say, Carl Lewis to endorse their product the potential for confusion in the marketplace is absolutely enormous.
 * Bryan Dawe: Oh come on, how? What are they going to do? Get Carl Lewis to hold up a chicken and say "This is a hamburger"?

 * John Clarke: I don’t know that this is what we do, is it? Sequester the dead?

 * Gina Riley: They want to put the track, the skeet shooting, the badminton and the fencing all at the main venue.
 * John Clarke: Out here?
 * Gina Riley: Yes.
 * John Clarke: How are they going to do that?
 * Gina Riley: They’re going to make them night events. They’re going to put them on after everything else is finished.
 * John Clarke: But people will get shot, won’t they?
 * Gina Riley: Well, they say they’re going to fire above their heads.
 * John Clarke: It’s never been a terribly convincing defence. "We were firing above their heads, Your Honour, and then we noticed large numbers of deceased persons."

 * Gina Riley: He was particularly appalled – please get this down – that the games seemed to be turned into a benefit for television; a notoriously greedy and selfish medium that is obsessed with money and sensation, and is often run by morons who wouldn’t know if their arses were on fire unless the ratings told them so!
 * John Clarke: Excuse me. Excuse me. You’ve lost me a bit. Go back – greedy and selfish industry. Arses on fire. Morons.
 * Gina Riley: Morons: M–O–R–
 * John Clarke: [Writing] Run by morons, many of whom are insane.

 * Bryan Dawe: [Brandishing wallet as official badge] Federal Police.
 * Jasmine Holt: [Brandishing wallet as official badge] Mittagong Regional Library.

Lateline/Rural [1.8]

 * [Attempting to explain the changes to the swimming programme to the audience]:
 * Interviewer: Okay, well tell me about the major changes to the swimming programme.
 * John Clarke: Well, what's currently proposed is the, what I believe I've just given you a copy of, which is that all heats will be run in the morning, as they normally are... slight change insofar as heats will be worked out on the best of three, times will obviously count. Perhaps Gina knows a little bit more about this than I do?
 * Gina Riley: Thank you John. Yes, each swimmer will swim three heats in each event, the swimmer's slowest heat time will then be dropped, the other two times will then be multiplied by three over two then divided by three to give an aggregate time and the fastest 32 times will then move on to the next round.
 * John Clarke: Yes, and then there's a "wild card" entry, for those who are the top place getters in each of the races in which the fastest three times were recorded, and then there'll be quarter-finals, and then there'll be finals, and then there'll be repechages.
 * Interviewer: Remind me, what is a repechage?
 * John Clarke: After the final sequence of heats, competitors who have not been successful go back into a stage of three previous heats in which there is a separate sequence of semi-finals - quarter-finals and semi-finals - and so people are given another chance, really. And then there'll be, obviously, a preliminary final, and then a quarter-final, semi-final, and then the rounds of three heats subsequent to the repechages, and the quarter-finals and semi-finals in respect of those, and that'll fill the eighth lane - the other seven lanes being filled as I've described - and, er, so, you know, that's fairly simple.

 * Nicholas Bell: Look, they're coming from somewhere up in the sticks, they just want to present their proposal for the opening ceremony, alright?
 * Bryan Dawe: Nicholas, you've just finished telling me that the contract for the opening ceremony has been awarded to a German company.
 * Nicholas Bell: Yes, Einfahrt. [To camera] Nobody knows that yet, alright?
 * Bryan Dawe: Well, it's academic, isn't it? You've already awarded the contract!
 * Nicholas Bell: No, you will have to see them.
 * Bryan Dawe: But there's no possible reason for seeing them Nicholas, you've awarded the contract!
 * Nicholas Bell: That's precisely why you have to see them!
 * Bryan Dawe: Why, because you've awarded the contract to the Germans?
 * Nicholas Bell: Yes!
 * Bryan Dawe: I don't believe it.
 * Nicholas Bell: Well, things have got to be done fairly and kept above board. [Patronisingly] There's the chap.

 * Bryan Dawe: Now, you have all these schoolkids swarming into the stadium dressed as luminous glow-worms?
 * Joyce: Not yet.
 * Mrs Dundas: Not now, not yet. They're not in until just gone dark.
 * Joyce: Yeah.
 * Mrs Dundas: Cause they won't glow otherwise, and they'll need to glow.
 * Joyce: Course they will, with everyone wanting to wave to mum and dad up in the stands.
 * Gina Riley: What were you thinking Bryan, they're glowing!
 * Bryan Dawe: Okay, glowing kids - after.

 * Joyce: I do tell you though, you cannot get horses to form Adelaide churches. God, we tried. Can't get them to be pointy!
 * Gina Riley: Shame.
 * Bryan Dawe: That is a shame.
 * Joyce: We could do Tazzy instead.

J'Accuse [1.9]

 * John Clarke: We can't have this sort of rubbish being written. This is badly written, unresearched rubbish.
 * Gina Riley: You don't mind badly written, unresearched rubbish when it's on your side.
 * John Clarke: I don't have a problem with favourable crap. Favourable crap is an excellent result. It's the best result you can get in Australia, favourable crap.

 * Bryan Dawe: What's a lacrosse centre? It's a paddock with a couple of goalposts.

 * John Clarke: There was an earthquake up here in 1973. It did two hundred grand's worth of improvements.

 * Jack Hughes: You can check it until your arse falls off. I'm telling you that's what's happening.
 * John Clarke: Well you can tell me that until your dick catches fire. I'm still going to have to go check it out.

 * Gerry Connolly: [Imitating Bob Hawke] Look, Juan Antonio Samaranch has realised he's in shitter's ditch, mate, and he has pleaded with me to go in there and take over.

 * Gerry Connolly: [Imitating Bob Hawke] There's a shortlist, there's one name on that shortlist, and your name is on the shortlist.

 * John Clarke: [Introducing Gina to Gerry] You're familiar with most of Australia's post-war governments, aren't you?

A Management Course [1.10]

 * John Clarke: It’s Friday afternoon and we’ve got three brand new sporting venues opening in Sydney on Sunday. We should be down there preparing for that but we are not. What are we doing this weekend instead?
 * Gina Riley: Bonding.

 * Gina Riley: Did you read this letter, John?
 * John Clarke: Yes I did read the letter. I was very impressed with the letter.
 * Gina Riley: "You will travel by luxury coach."
 * John Clarke: Luxury coach, yes. And an ant therefore is a bird of prey.

 * Miki Oikawa: [Reading from sample ticket] "This ticket admits holder to the session nominated on Box 4 on the obverse of this ticket and is..."
 * John Clarke: I see. Which side is the obverse?
 * Miki Oikawa: This side.
 * John Clarke: The side with the box on it?
 * Miki Oikawa: Yes, the session is nominated in the box.
 * John Clarke: Okay, what’s on the obverse of the box?
 * Miki Oikawa: That’s the information I’m reading to you now.
 * John Clarke: The information’s on the obverse?
 * Miki Oikawa: Yes.
 * John Clarke: I thought what you were reading before stated that the box was on the obverse of this ticket?
 * Miki Oikawa: Yes, well, they’re both obverses.
 * John Clarke: They’re both obverses. That's a bit confusing, isn't it?

 * John Clarke: So what other crises have we got to deal with?
 * Katerina Kotsonis: Let’s assume there are five other major problems.
 * John Clarke: Let’s assume there aren’t.
 * Katerina Kotsonis: Let’s assume that the phones are ringing.
 * John Clarke: Let’s assume they’re not. Let’s assume we answered them all. Wrong numbers, a lot of them.

 * Gina Riley: I would rather sit at home with a pencil in my eye than do that again.

 * Nicholas Bell: All I’m saying is that a problem that up until 30 seconds ago was the Minister’s problem is now your problem. [Walks off]
 * John Clarke: [Shouting after him] And the minister will be confronting this issue, will he, by his usual method of being photographed in a hard-hat pointing at a concrete mixer?

 * John Clarke: I don’t think that presents a major problem. If the gold medals aren’t gold, we shouldn’t call them gold. Call them the yellow medal.
 * Gina Riley: It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? "Triple yellow medallist Dawn Fraser."
 * John Clarke: Well, no, it lacks mystique. And I can’t imagine that the winner of the grey medal and the winner of the brown medal will be all that disappointed that they didn’t get up for the yellow.

 * John Clarke: It’s just that right at the moment I’m not in the right frame of mind to deal with make-believe problems. We have real problems.

 * John Clarke: Everything the IOC says is code for something else. If, for example, they describe the function that Bryan persists in calling "the Atlantic Olympics" as exceptional, that’s the equivalent of saying "hand me a twig, please, I’d like to scrape the Atlantic Olympics off the sole of my shoe."

 * John Clarke: "Finishing touches" is code for "we've bought the concrete."

A Conflict of Interest [1.11]

 * John Clarke: Manny the Mouth. All the news that's fit to flush.

 * John Clarke: I beg your pardon. What do you mean "no signal"? No signal. I’m at the centre of the universe. I’m at the epicentre of the known cosmos. No signal.
 * Taxi Driver: Ninety-seven per cent coverage, those new phones.
 * John Clarke: Really? The other three per cent presumably consists of the central business district and a couple of outlying districts in which human beings live.

 * Bryan Dawe: John, don’t fight what you can’t change.
 * John Clarke: That’s the ANZAC spirit, isn’t it Bryan?

 * [Gina runs past towards the bathroom]
 * John Clarke: What’s wrong with her?
 * Bryan Dawe: Big night with the Albanians.
 * John Clarke: Really? She went out with an Albanian delegation. What does that mean?
 * Bryan Dawe: She set fire to one of their wigs.

 * Bryan Dawe: What happened in Melbourne? What legacy did they have?
 * John Clarke: As a result of the Olympics?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes.
 * John Clarke: Slums, by and large. They built a whole lot of accommodation out at West Heidelberg. It’s still there, I think. You still hear it mentioned from time to time. "Police later found the vehicle abandoned at West Heidelberg." "Police are anxious to speak to the population of West Heidelberg."

 * John Clarke: Can you get Ian Barrundi to come?
 * Bryan Dawe: Ian Barrundi? Yes.
 * John Clarke: Get him to come.
 * Bryan Dawe: We’d need a weight lifter.
 * John Clarke: Well, we need a recently retired, top flight international athlete.
 * Bryan Dawe: Who’s as thick as pig shit.
 * John Clarke: He’s very good in a meeting, Bryan. He’s excellent in a meeting.
 * Bryan Dawe: He knows nothing about corporate law and doesn’t know what the Minister’s deal is.
 * John Clarke: The Americans don’t know that.
 * Bryan Dawe: It’ll take me an hour and a half to brief him.
 * John Clarke: He doesn’t need to say anything. Go and ring him. He doesn’t need to say anything. I just want him to be there. Tell him to dress for church and be in attendance.

 * William T. Eyck: So who is the Chief Executive?
 * John Clarke: At the moment?
 * William T. Eyck: What do you mean at the moment? How many have you had?
 * John Clarke: I’m speaking from memory... about four, so far.
 * William T. Eyck: What happened to the other ones?
 * John Clarke: Some of them are spending a little bit more time with their families.

 * [John reads the latest Joseph Williams article in the Sunday paper]]
 * John Clarke: "Businessman’s secret charitable donations. Joseph Williams tells of his little known secret million-dollar deal to benefit philanthropic causes." "Secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells" "secret". I give up – spot the deliberate mistake. Does the man think we’re absolute idiots?

Horse and Dream Team [1.12]

 * John Clarke: Some sheep are terribly brisk.

 * John Clarke: [To taxi driver] Could you possibly experiment with a slightly higher gear? I'm actually a fair bit late and I'm going to see an American, and they think lateness is very, very rude? It'd be a pity to annoy them at this stage after so many years of sycophancy. [pause] It's the pedal on the right. [beat] That's the one.

[Referring to the film crew]
 * John Clarke: I can ask them to leave, if you like?
 * Tom Miller: No, no problem at all.
 * John Clarke: No?
 * Tom Miller: I'm an American, we invented television you know.
 * John Clarke: Ah yes, in your capital of London.

 * Frank Woodley: G'day g'day! And another g'day.

Transport! [1.13]

 * Nicholas Bell: Do you know who it was who made that call?
 * John Clarke: Yes, I do. Yes. And he did it on my specific instructions.
 * Nicholas Bell: It was a woman.
 * John Clarke: Ah well, that is serious. Oh yes, I can see the concern there. That’s actually dangerous. I’m surprised that’s allowed. A woman?

 * John Clarke: Have you got the Media Accreditation stuff here somewhere?
 * Gina Riley: Just putting the finishing touches on it.
 * John Clarke: Have you done the press release on the Internet?
 * Gina Riley: Yes. Got that covered.
 * John Clarke: Have you booked the satellite for the CNN thing next week?
 * Gina Riley: Got a call in.
 * John Clarke: Did you fax Juan Antonio’s itinerary out here next week…?
 * Gina Riley: As we speak.
 * John Clarke: …because there’s a message on the machine that they haven’t got it.
 * Gina Riley: Bloody hell.
 * John Clarke: Do you think perhaps we could fax it again? You do know they should actually have had it yesterday?
 * Gina Riley: I’ll take that on board, John.
 * John Clarke: [Quietly] Gina, have you actually done any of these things at all?
 * Gina Riley: No, I haven’t.

 * Nicholas Bell: Thank you. John, can I ask what work has been done up to this stage by your people on this question? You see, what I am thinking is there maybe a detailed study already undertaken on the Los Angeles public transport system and how it worked for them at the ’84 Games. That sort of thing would give us a lot of information. Is that available at all?
 * John Clarke: Bryan?
 * Bryan Dawe: No.
 * Nicholas Bell: It hasn’t been done at all?
 * John Clarke: Bryan?
 * Bryan Dawe: No.
 * Nicholas Bell: Is there a reason for that?
 * John Clarke: Bryan?
 * Bryan Dawe: They don’t have a public transport system in Los Angeles.

 * Sam Neill: You don’t like us very much, do you?
 * John Clarke: That’s a very old-fashioned way of thinking.

In the Public Interest [2.1]

 * [Bryan is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Bryan Dawe: He’s got a very soft side, John. You don’t see it very often but it’s there. I remember we were once in Milan and we were sitting out on this fifteenth-century balcony. We were drinking a local liqueur called ‘Mist of Heaven’ and all of a sudden John just started to weep. I don’t think he was unhappy. I mean, we’d drunk about three bottles of the stuff and the weather was very beautiful and we were just sitting out there looking over the harbour.

 * [John is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * John Clarke: Well, I’ve always responded pretty well to a challenge. I can remember when I was a kid once playing cricket with my cousins on the lawn at the back of my grandmother’s place and somebody said, ‘I bet you can’t put a ball on the roof of that big tool shed at the bottom of the garden’, and I can still remember thinking, "You reckon I can’t do that, don’t you?"
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] And could you do it?
 * John Clarke: No. It was too far away.

 * [Bryan is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes, he had some disappointments, but John could have been a world-class runner. No doubt about that. He wasn’t. But he could have been.

 * Liz Jackson: [Voice-over] Further revelations followed a few months later, and in November of that year, fifteen ONAN committee members were cashiered when they were found to have received an estimated $4 million worth of jewellery from a man who gave his name as Mr Tabernacle Choir.

 * [John is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * John Clarke:I felt at this stage Allan Ronaldson still deserved a chance to clear his name. There was still some doubt. Don’t forget that Allan had worked very, very hard for a very, very long time for the movement. I thought that there was still a chance, in my mind, that all of this could turn out to have been a mistake.
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] Did you ever see him with a yacht?
 * John Clarke: No, categorically, I never once saw Allan with a yacht. I did see him with a light aircraft once, at a meeting.
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] And where did he get that from?
 * John Clarke: He told me he’d won that in a card game.

 * John Clarke: Allan Ronaldson got a very fair hearing. I think if you ask, even Allan Ronaldson will say he got a very fair hearing over this matter.
 * [Cut to Allan Ronaldson, interviewed in an airport lounge]:
 * Allan Ronaldson: [Laughing] No, he didn’t actually say that, did he?

 * [John is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] How do you feel when you get personal criticism? Does it hurt?
 * John Clarke: Personal criticism? I don’t pay much attention to personal criticism, to be honest. Who said something?
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] Well, it has been said that you’re arrogant, for example, hasn’t it?
 * John Clarke: Well what complete barking moron said that?

 * [Bryan is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Bryan Dawe: Arrogant? John? No. Arrogant? No, not exactly.

 * [Gina is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Gina Riley: John? Arrogant? No, [Thinking about it] no... [Less convincingly] no...

 * [John is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * John Clarke: Yes, I have regrets, I suppose. I’d like, for example, to be able to get out of the office a little bit more and perhaps spend some time with some of the charity organisations that I’m involved with.
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] And which ones are they?
 * John Clarke: Oh, Bicycles for the Deaf, African Dog Hospital, something at Thredbo. American Express. Countless others.

 * [John is being interviewed by Liz Jackson]:
 * Liz Jackson: [Off-camera] It’s been said that ONAN is undemocratic, hasn’t it? That it is a closed, secretive, elite group.
 * John Clarke: Yes, but only by riffraff.

 * John Clarke: Tell them Daddy’s in Europe. You haven’t seen Daddy for a bit. You think he’s in Switzerland.
 * Janice: Will I say you’re with Auntie Fahey and Aunty Linda?
 * John Clarke: No, no, no, no. Don’t say I’m with Aunty anybody. Don’t say I’m with Aunty anybody. You haven’t seen me for a bit. You know, I’ll be back in six weeks.

 * Michael: Hey Dad, there’s a guy out there with a camera.
 * John Clarke: Well, go out there and tell him you’re a policeman and explain to him that he’s in breach of regulations and if he’s not off the property in one minute you’re going to call the police.
 * Michael: If I’m a policeman, haven’t we already called the police?
 * John Clarke: Well tell them you’re going to call more police. [Shouting] Bigger ones!

Talking to the Troops [2.2]

 * Gina Riley: I had a proposal for the naming rights to the mascots this morning.
 * John Clarke: Millie, Olly and Syd?
 * Gina Riley: Uh-huh.
 * Bryan Dawe: Any good?
 * Gina Riley: Not bad if you don’t mind them being called Big Mac, Fordie and Microsofty

 * John Clarke: In this very room, we’ve probably got a microcosm of Australia’s fabulous cultural diversity. [To Asian-looking staff member] Where, for example, do you come from?
 * Staff Member: Who, me? Collaroy.
 * John Clarke: No, I mean where are your parents from?
 * Staff Member: Oh, they’re from Petersham.
 * John Clarke: What about your grandparents, then? Where are your grandparents from?
 * Staff Member: Well, they had a market garden up in Maitland.
 * John Clarke: Yes, well, good on them. My point is the cultural diversity. I mean, we all come from somewhere. In my own case, for example, probably principally Ireland and Scotland in the 1860s. What about you?
 * Staff Member: Oh, well, they came up from Melbourne in about 1855.
 * John Clarke: Good on them.
 * Staff Member: From the Victorian goldfields.
 * John Clarke: Yes, very good. Yes, well, the cultural point is probably well made.

 * John Clarke: Yes, we are embarked upon what is undoubtedly the greatest event ever mounted in Australia.
 * Bryan Dawe: Of any kind.
 * John Clarke: Yes, Bryan, yes, probably the greatest event ever mounted in any Australia of any kind.
 * Gina Riley: Of any kind in Australia.
 * John Clarke: Pardon?

 * Staff Member: Why have we issued tickets that don’t fit the little tickets slots?
 * Bryan Dawe: Can I just handle that? Can I just say that the ticketing system that we implemented for these games is absolutely superb? If it had come off we would have been national heroes. I mean, it was a brilliant idea.
 * [The room erupts in laughter]:
 * Staff Member: What went wrong?
 * Bryan Dawe: We got caught.

 * John Clarke: Listen. I mean, before you get abusive, shagnasty, you want to consider organising something of the magnitude of these games. I mean, this a serious undertaking. This isn’t a school gala day we’re organising here.

 * [Reading from an information pack issued to all members of staff]:
 * John Clarke: Australia is a bi-cameral, monarchical federation run by the states and with the right of appeal to the media. The capital is Canberra, obviously. The principal industries in this country are coal and the Olympics. If a visitor comments on the high price of accommodation or Olympic tickets do point out that due to strong management at the highest level, the Australian dollar is now roughly equivalent to the American dime. So they’re not getting a bad deal. The reason prices might seem slightly higher in some instances is of course, Australia’s exciting new GST. The long-term benefits of taxation reform far outweigh the relatively minor inconvenience of paying $6.50 for a cup of coffee. If you are with a visitor from overseas in a traffic jam in Sydney, you are to say, "This is very unusual. A truck must have tipped over". If it rains during the period September 15 to October 1, say "Goodness me, how tremendous. A benediction for Australia’s rich farmlands". Of course, if it hails, go inside because, obviously, you might get killed. The Aboriginal population in Australia is a happy and largely nomadic people and while we are deeply committed to the improvement of their desperate condition... they are perfectly well. You might like to mention Cathy Freeman – they’ve probably heard of her. The name of the man who built the hundred-metre track is Mr Jim Wilson of ACME Construction. He has absolutely nothing to do with this organisation. He’s only ever been here the one time.
 * Gina Riley: And we don’t think anyone saw him.
 * John Clarke: He also, incidentally, designed and built the triathlon track, a range of very high-quality ticketing machines, the main runway at Sydney Airport and lanes four and five of the Olympic swimming pools. If you are asked who is paying for these Olympic Games you are to say, "No speeka di Inglish". If attending Olympic events, visitors should be advised to eat before leaving home - that one’s quite important - and if attending the swimming, visitors should be advised to take a very powerful telescope and maybe a small amount of oxygen if they’re sitting above about row F. The minister’s name is Mr Michael Knight. Mr Michael Knight. Beach Volleyball is not simply a game of volleyball played on a beach. It is a game of volleyball best played in a very large neo-Hitler construction which people can’t get into without paying and is built on an area that used to be a beach. That about covers it. Good luck. Bat on.

 * Staff Member: What do the IOC actually do?
 * Gina Riley: Well, as I’ve just said, they select the city for the Games.
 * Staff Member: And how do they do that?
 * Gina Riley: Well, they travel around the world for many years looking at places where the Olympics might be held.
 * Another Staff Member: Have the Olympics ever been held in a brothel?

Reconciliation [2.3]

 * John Clarke: Morning, Bryan. Are you aware that we had a transport meeting this morning?
 * Bryan Dawe: Yes, it was cancelled.
 * John Clarke: Yes, good. Thanks, I worked that out, Bryan. There’s nothing like sitting in someone’s empty office for 40 minutes to focus the mind, is there?

 * John Clarke: How do you spell "phonics"?
 * Gina Riley: The way it sounds.
 * John Clarke: Doesn’t fit.
 * Gina Riley: "Incongruous"?

 * [John is throwing the day's post into the bin]:
 * Bryan Dawe: Ah, John? Any for me in there?
 * John Clarke: No, Bryan.
 * Bryan Dawe: How do you know? You’ve just chucked it all out.
 * John Clarke: Most of it was from the public.

 * John Clarke: They’d be in that in a minute wouldn’t they, the media? Planeload of dedicated Australian journalists. A few photographers. A couple of drug and alcohol counsellors.

 * Gina Riley: We were flying in the face of one of the basic rules of food consumption.
 * Bryan Dawe: Which one?
 * Gina Riley: "Never eat in a Scottish restaurant."

 * Gina Riley: [On telephone] Hello. How would your radio show like exclusive coverage of one entire leg of the Olympic torch relay? No, there would be no fee involved. No. [Shouting] Because we haven’t got any money!

 * Ambassador Berger: Much could be made in achieving this end if the government were to address the deep wrongs inflicted on the indigenous population and attempt to achieve true reconciliation with the Aboriginal peoples.
 * John Clarke: Yes. When?
 * Ambassador Berger: I hope the Games go ahead as planned.
 * John Clarke: Yes. Pretty soon...

 * John Clarke: They’re concerned that Australia’s treatment of its Aboriginal people is... you know.
 * Gina Riley: A disgrace?
 * John Clarke: Well, he didn’t actually say that.
 * Gina Riley: Well, he wouldn’t. He’s a diplomat.

 * Nicholas Bell: Have they got witchetydoodles?
 * John Clarke: Didgeridoos?
 * Nicholas Bell: Long thing. You blow through it.
 * John Clarke: Didgeridoos, Nicholas.
 * Nicholas Bell: Bloody marvellous. There you are, then.

 * Gina Riley: I’ve got an answer.
 * John Clarke: I’m delighted to hear it, Gina. Kofi Annan can’t work it out; the international court at The Hague reckon it’s beyond their jurisdiction. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you’ve bowled it over.

 * John Howard: Good evening. My name is John Howard and I’m speaking to you from Sydney, Australia, host-city of the year 2000 Olympic Games. At this important time and in an atmosphere of international goodwill and national pride, we here in Australia, all of us, would like to make a statement before all nations. Australia, like many countries in the New World, is intensely proud of what it has achieved in the past 200 years. We have a vibrant and resourceful people. We share a freedom born in the abundance of nature, the richness of the earth, the bounty of the sea. We are the world’s biggest island. We have the world’s longest coastline. We have more animal species than any other country. Two-thirds of the world’s birds species are native to Australia. We are one of the few countries on earth with our own sky. We are a fabric woven of many colours and it’s this that gives us our strength. However, these achievements have come at great cost.  We have been here for 200 years, but before that there was a people living here. For over 40,000 years they lived in perfect balance with the land. There were many Aboriginal nations, just as there were many Indian nations in North America and across Canada, as there were many Maori tribes in New Zealand, and Incan and Mayan peoples in South America. These indigenous Australians lived in areas as different from one another as Scotland is from Ethiopia. They lived in an area the size of Western Europe. They didn’t even share a common language. Yet, they had their own laws, their own beliefs, their own ways of understanding. We destroyed this world.  We often didn’t mean to do it. Our forebears, fighting to establish themselves in what they saw as a harsh environment, were creating a national economy. But the Aboriginal world was decimated. A pattern of disease and dispossession was established. Alcohol was introduced. Social and racial differences were allowed to become fault-lines. Aboriginal families were broken up. Sadly, Aboriginal health and education are responsibilities we have yet to address successfully. I speak for all Australians in expressing a profound sorrow to the Aboriginal people. I am sorry. We are sorry.  Let the world know and understand that it is with this sorrow, that we as a nation will grow and seek a better, a fairer and a wiser future. Thank you.

IOC Man [2.4]

 * John Clarke: Tell me about the Bolivian soccer team.
 * Gina Riley: Beaten 2–nil by Poland on Saturday. Got home yesterday. Last night the goalkeeper was shot.
 * John Clarke: Shit!
 * Gina Riley: Shot.

 * Gina Riley: Oh, come on, John. That’s a bit old hat, the corrupt IOC delegate.
 * John Clarke: Old hat? Gina, in the scientific world when they see that something is happening again and again and again, repeatedly, they don’t call it old hat. They call it a pattern.

 * Gina Riley: Christ. I suppose it’s possible one day somebody might ask me a question about sport.
 * John Clarke: Oh, you won’t get a question about sport, Gina. No chance of that. Very old hat, sport. No-one will ask you about that. Every Olympics has got sport. The thing that differentiates the Australian Olympics, Gina, is that it’s going to be paid for by Australians.

 * [Repeated line]
 * Various characters: Good news!

 * Bryan Dawe: All of those trees we planted were uprooted and blown away in last week’s hailstorm.
 * John Clarke: I take it you’re not telling me this in order to demonstrate the awesome power of nature.

 * John Clarke: Well, who will be announcing we're not going to replant the trees, he asked rhetorically?

 * Tim Schwerdt: The Minister wants you at his office.
 * John Clarke: Ah!
 * Tim Schwerdt: Now.
 * John Clarke: Did he specify if I was to bring my own sword or will I be falling on one provided by the Minister?

 * [After angrily reversing his car into the garage wall]
 * John Clarke: Now why would you put a wall in there?

 * John Clarke: Well, this will be a moment of excitement. I’ve never actually met the Minister before. I've only ever seen him on television. Normally just his smile and maybe a tiny bit of his lawyer.

 * Nicholas Bell: Good news.
 * John Clarke: We’re going to replant all the trees?
 * Nicholas Bell: Good on you. Don’t get much time in the garden myself.

 * John Clarke: Good to know, Bill, that the IOC is well off for fully functioning photocopying machines. Photocopying whatever it is you photocopy up there. What is it? The location of stolen bullion, is it? Nazi escape routes? Something like that?

 * John Clarke: Do you bother naming the female children?

 * Bill Ten Eyck: I’d love to move, but not for a million dollars.
 * John Clarke: Two million dollars perhaps, Bill?

 * Nicholas Bell: And here’s that brief for the press conference for the launch of Australia’s Games tomorrow. You’ve got a rehearsal first thing in the morning.
 * John Clarke: Rehearsal?
 * Nicholas Bell: The Channel Seven commentary team are going to be there dressed up as Shagger, Australia’s Gumnut Kangaroo.
 * John Clarke: All of them?
 * Nicholas Bell: I think so.
 * John Clarke: Wilko?
 * Nicholas Bell: Wilko’s its arse, I think.

 * Bill Ten Eyck: Beer, mate?
 * John Clarke: One perishingly cold, thanks.
 * [Bill doesn't move]
 * John Clarke: Yes, that’s the other thing, of course. I could get it myself.

 * Gina Riley: Well, Bill’s safely off and I, for one, am very, very sad to see him go.
 * John Clarke: Yes, a commonly held view as it happens, Gina. For example, Detective Conroy here of the Fraud Squad is also a little dewy-eyed at Bill’s tragic departure, given that she and most of the international police force have been looking for Bill for quite some time.

Inquiry [2.5]

 * Bryan Dawe: I've had sponsors on the phone all day trying to screw extra value out of their deal.
 * John Clarke: Yes, thank you Bryan. Yes, yes, thank you very much Bryan.
 * Bryan Dawe: They want to know where every cent is going. Selfish pricks.
 * John Clarke: [Gesturing to camera operator] Perhaps you could just lose Bryan very, very slightly.
 * [The camera pans off Bryan altogether]
 * John Clarke: No, that's good.

 * Gina Riley: Are they paying us a lot of money, John?
 * John Clarke: I believe they are, Gina, yes. That's certainly the proposal.
 * Bryan Dawe: How much?
 * John Clarke: A shirtload, Bryan, I believe was the expression the Minister used. An absolute shirtload.

 * John Clarke: Nicholas, this is very cloak and dagger. What do you want to do? Draw all the curtains? Why don't you turn the radio on? The Russians normally pop a bug in the lamp, don't they?

 * John Clarke: Well, I can't go and answer a whole lot of questions about a subject I know nothing about.
 * Nicholas Bell: You know, it's actually easier. It's easier to answer questions on something that you don't know anything about.
 * John Clarke: I wouldn't even know how to begin to talk about art.
 * Nicholas Bell: Well, you'll be alright then.

 * Nicholas Bell: You've never been before an inquiry, have you, John?
 * John Clarke: No, Nicholas, and I've never been cleaning anything when it went off either.
 * Nicholas Bell: Well, I can't go. I've already fronted the ticketing inquiry.
 * John Clarke: And didn't you go well, Nicholas. I'm surprised they don't want you back. You couldn't remember either end of any conversation you ever had and you didn't turn out to have kept any notes about anything.
 * Nicholas Bell: Thank you, John. Yes, well, there's a way of doing these things, alright?
 * John Clarke: You got a round of applause at one stage for remembering your own name.
 * Nicholas Bell: Thank you John. I will tell the Minister that you will be in touch when you've spoken to the barrister.
 * John Clarke: It was like watching a zeppelin fall out of the sky.

 * Barrister: I want you to listen very carefully. If you're asked a question about what happened on a particular occasion and you don't want to answer, you say "I don't recall."
 * John Clarke: I don't recall.
 * Barrister: Yes. And if you're asked if some event happened, you say "Not that I recall."
 * John Clarke: Not that I recall.
 * Barrister: That's right. If you're asked whether something happened and it has been established that it did happen, you say "Not in my presence."
 * John Clarke: Not in my presence.
 * Barrister: That's right. If you're asked any detail about anything, it means they think they've got you. You clam up, you say "Not to my knowledge.
 * John Clarke: Not to my knowledge.
 * Barrister: That's right. And if you think you're about to reveal something, anything, you stop immediately, you turn to the judge and you say "Can I have a glass of water?"
 * John Clarke: Can I have a glass of water?
 * Barrister: That's right.
 * John Clarke: God, it's no wonder the court system's going so well is it?

[Discussing a potential sponsorship deal with Dunkin' Donuts]
 * John Clarke: They're one of the biggest fast food franchises in the whole United States. Very popular with the young, Bryan, as their very amusing name might suggest.
 * Bryan Dawe: And do you know what they sell?
 * John Clarke: I'd go for donuts, but I'm pretty sure it's already taken. I'll have a crack at something else. Drinks.

 * Counsel Assisting: You are Bryan Dawe?
 * Bryan Dawe: [Turning to judge] Can I have have a glass of water please?

Pommy Visitor [2.6]
[On the telephone to Bryan]
 * John Clarke: I've been out on the street for twenty minutes trying to get a cab, Bryan, that's why I'm ringing you. There are no cabs. I have used binoculars. You cannot see a cab. Van? What van? No, I'm not going to go out and pick up an international visitor in a van, Bryan. No. Alright, where is it?

 * Nicholas Bell: Did you actually see John in the courtesy car?
 * Tim Schwerdt: No.
 * Nicholas Bell: Good.
 * Tim Schwerdt:Why do you say that?
 * Nicholas Bell: Because I sold it this morning.

 * John Clarke: How late are we?
 * Gina Riley: The difference between the time his plane arrived and the time it is now could be measured by an archaeologist.

 * John Clarke: Dead weight he might be, but at least I think we could have got here on time to meet him.
 * Gina Riley: It won't matter anyway.
 * John Clarke: "It won't matter anyway," she said boldly.
 * Gina Riley: His plane will have been late.
 * John Clarke: Oh, we're predicting the past now. You don't often see that.

 * John Clarke: Just trying to keep the dream alive, Gina.

[Neil has brought a shotgun with him from the UK without attracting any attention from Customs]
 * Gina Riley: No-one asked you about the gun?
 * Neil MacPherson: No.
 * John Clarke: Did you have it with you when no-one asked you about it? Did you just walk straight through?
 * Neil MacPherson: Yes, no problem.
 * Gina Riley: It doesn't really look like a gun.
 * John Clarke: I suppose it fires things that don't really look like bullets.

 * Gina Riley: It doesn't look like a gun. it could be anything.

[Arriving back at their taxi]
 * Taxi Driver: Take your gun, mate?
 * Neil MacPherson: Thank you very much.
 * John Clarke: And this small thermo-nuclear device if you've got room. Just anywhere in there.

[Discussing the Olympics Minister]
 * Bryan Dawe: He's in the newspaper today.
 * John Clarke: Oh, not again! What's he done today? Give us a look
 * Bryan Dawe: Yesterday he christened a baby gorilla the the zoo.
 * John Clarke: Oh, yes. There's virtually no end to his capacity.
 * Gina Riley: He's the one on the left.

 * Nicholas Bell: We've had a review of all aspects of the office setup.
 * John Clarke: Could you perhaps be a tiny bit more specific?
 * Nicholas Bell: You do try to make this as difficult as possible, don't you?
 * John Clarke: No, I'm not trying to make it difficult Nicholas. And personally I think you're doing fairly well so far. But would you mind please defining "we", "review", "aspects", "office" and "setup".

 * Bryan Dawe: These are the latest figures on the sponsorship shortfall.
 * Nicholas Bell: Situation.
 * Bryan Dawe: Sponsorship shortfall situation.
 * Nicholas Bell: Sponsorship situation.
 * Bryan Dawe: Sponsorship situation.

Immigration [2.7]

 * Nicholas Bell: Thanks for coming over, John.
 * John Clarke: I think if you've ordered someone to do something you should probably resist the urge to thank them.

 * Gina Riley: They're doing a profile piece on John for the Sunday lift-out. You know, what's his favourite food, favourite film, favourite natural disaster.

 * Gina Riley: Nicholas, what happened to the $12 million you were given to beef up the Customs service?
 * Nicholas Bell: It's been spent.
 * Gina Riley: On the Customs service?
 * Nicholas Bell: Presumably.

 * Gina Riley: I thought it might help his asylum application if he got a little publicity.
 * John Clarke: Do you think publicity's a food group?

 * Gina Riley: John, if I might explain a little of Mr Stoyanov's background for you. I've done some research, Nicholas. Mr Stoyanov comes from a little-known part of Bulgaria called Glasgow. When he went through Customs last week, he did so under what I can only assume was his gypsy name of Euan McTavish.

 * Gina Riley: It won't stand up to analysis.
 * Nicholas Bell: There won't be any analysis. It's the Australian media, Gina.

 * Gina Riley: They may seem familiar to you. They tell me they've met you. They are two young men from drought-stricken Somalia who tell me that they too are intending to claim status as economic refugees, the starvation rate in their country being what it so tragically is. You may not recognise them, however, as both of them now appear to weigh 22 stone, are white, and - according to their passports - bear the Somalian names of Nikolai Grigoriev and Yuri Ivanov. You'd be comforted to know though, Nicholas, that their superlative skills remain intact in the traditional African sport of the hammer throw.

 * Jack Hughes: So where are you guys from?
 * Nikolai: Somalia.
 * Jack Hughes: Somalia?
 * Yuri: Please give us food. We are hungry.

 * Jack Hughes: Mr Stoyanov, thank you very much for your time.
 * Euan McTavish: Pick a winda Jimmy, you're leavin'.
 * John Clarke: [Pretending to translate from Bulgarian] It is the best interview I am ever having.

Solar [2.10]

 * John Clarke: We're running on the smell of an oily rag.

Cast

 * John Clarke - John Clarke, Head of Administration & Logistics for the Sydney Olympic Games
 * Gina Riley - Gina Riley, Manager of Marketing & Liaisons for the Sydney Olympic Games
 * Bryan Dawe - Bryan Dawe, Manager of Accounts, Budgeting & Finance for the Sydney Olympic Games
 * Nicholas Bell - Nicholas Bell - Secretary to the Minister for the Olympic Games

title: The Games (Australian TV series)


text:
Talk:Ernest Rutherford

I have to say that some of these are among the most stupid and/or arrogant quotes about science I have ever heard, especially the one about physics and stamp collecting. I doubt the man had any understanding of how most knowledge in most sciences is actually gained.

165.247.226.237 23:46, 7 November 2005 (UTC)

Long time after the fact to respond but in his era the massive journal industry did not exist and most communication was between researchers--hence stamp collecting. So, he was not being silly or out of touch but he was merely commenting on the conditions as they were. Many of the things he said were related to his lifetime as one would expect from a person who was cogent enough to recognise where and when he was living. malangthon 04:3121 April 2010 (EPT)

Long long after the fact --- neither of you got what Rutherford was going for. The quote about stamp collecting has been said numerous times, by such luminaries as Feynman (see the "map of a cat" story). The quote is saying that collecting data without a firm theoretical basis is pseudo-science ("stamp collecting"). It is intended to be insulting at "how most knowledge in most sciences is actually gained". It's not about a particular era, and has nothing to do with the journal industry. It has to do with the productivity of data collection in the absence of firm theoretical reasoning to evaluate that data. If you are insulted by it, or consider it arrogant --- well, the speakers would in fact intend you to feel insulted by it. For further evidence, see "string and sealing wax" story. The man had a firm understanding of science --- but from the perspective of an incredibly productive field during an incredibly productive era --- I don't think he would have been a fan of most science being done today. 98.77.188.254 21:31, 29 January 2012 (UTC)

There is no evidence Rutherford actually said this. The earliest source I've seen actually suggests otherwise: "I must not go as far as someone who was overheard after a lecture of Rutherford's to say 'all science is either physics or stamp collecting.'" From A. G. Bogle, "A Preview of Biophysics," The New Zealand Science Review 10 (1952): 158. (link)

Weakly sourced quotations
I think these quotations are not complete enough. Three of the four 'sourced' quotations have no date associated (and none of the unsourced quotations), most give no information about where the statement was made, and nearly all are a minimal length giving no context. For such a well-known physicist, I would hope this page can be expanded and better referenced. Path <3

String and Sealing Wax...
Could some one source the great quote " If you can't do it with string and sealing wax on a lab bench it probably isn't worth doing at all." I believe it was in an edition of one of his magnum opus texts but my copies are in storage at present.. (See also: Fritz Haber and Hadron Collider)--Oracleofottawa 04:16, 25 October 2010 (UTC) demenapado

Unsourced

 * All scientific men will be delighted to extend their warmest congratulations to Tesla and to express their appreciation of his great contributions to science.

 * I have always been very proud of the fact that I am a New Zealander.

 * I have broken the machine and touched the ghost of matter.
 * On splitting the atom

 * I'm a simple man myself.

 * If your result needs a statistician then you should design a better experiment.
 * Variant: If you need statistics, you did the wrong experiment.
 * Variant: If your experiment needs statistics, you ought to have done a better experiment.

 * That man is an Euclidian point: position without substance.
 * About a self-important person
 * This might be derivative of someone else's remarks — I can find no source for it, and the closest thing yet located in Google searches is in Lord Chatham : A War Minister in the Making (1958) by Owen Aubrey Sherrard, where the author is apparently speaking about Frederick II of Prussia : "Frederick fulfilled to a marvel the definition of a point — position without substance. He had nothing to offer in himself but assiduity in seeking popular applause and an involuntary skill in stirring his parents to enmity. Beyond that lay emptiness which death was to confirm." That is probably all the time I will devote to the matter for now. ~ Kalki (talk · contributions) 21:12, 15 April 2010 (UTC)

 * That's the last potato I will ever dig.
 * Upon being admitted to Cambridge University - family anecdote

 * The energy produced by breaking down the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformations of these atoms is taking moonshine.

 * The more physics you have the less engineering you need.

 * The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
 * You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10 or 12 to 1.

 * If you can't explain your research to the cleaning lady, it's not worth doing
 * i.e. if you can't explain your research in laymans terms, you probably don't understand it yourself

 * The unsourced is probably "You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 1012 [trillion]] to 1." --Kkmurray (talk) 03:44, 4 August 2015 (UTC)

Grammar
--199.112.128.15 16:44, 18 June 2014 (UTC)Rick Bennett 18 JUN 2014 I believe I see the term bazaar being used where bizarre is the appropriate homophone.

title: Talk:Ernest Rutherford