text:
McGee and Me!

McGee and Me! is an American Christian television series created by Ken C. Johnson & Bill Myers and produced by George Taweel and Rob Loos between 1986 and 1993. The series consists of 12 half hour long episodes centering around a typical American boy, Nicolas "Nick" Martin, his imaginary friend McGee, and the moral lessons they learn as Nick grows up.

The Big Lie

 * Derrick Cryder: You come down my alleyway, throwin' cans at me, you better have some kinda peace offering.
 * Nick: Huh?
 * Derrick Cryder: Money, stupid!

 * McGee: C'mon kid. Just go up there and rap on one of those windows, and we'll be heroes!

 * Louis: Were there any animals? [Referring to Nick's encounter with the "crazy Indian" man living on their block.]
 * Nick: Yeah, there were animals everywhere, but, see—
 * Louis: I knew it! Did you see him eating any?
 * Nick: Well... he had a rabbit.
 * Louis: He had a rabbit! He was eating a rabbit?"
 * Nick: Well, it was alive.
 * Louis: He was eating a live rabbit?!"
 * Nick: Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, it was alive, whatever was left of it.

 * McGee: [lounging in a pan of water while Nick sweeps the porch] Uh, this is real good, us helping like this, yes-siree-Bob. Y'know it's like I always say—uhh, you missed a spot—what you sow, you shall sweep.

 * Nick: [still sweeping while a racoon splashes McGee] McGee, why don't you do something to help?
 * McGee: [indicating the racoon] I'd love to, old bean, but the Lone Ranger here has offered to help me bathe.
 * Nick: [grinning] Sure, they always wash their food before they eat it.
 * McGee: Right-o, they always wash their [suddenly alarmed] FOOD?! [starts screaming]

A Star in the Breaking

 * Trash TV Emcee: [showing Nick's entry envelope with drawing of McGee] And for those of you who think this show ain't art, take a look at this.

 * Louis: [to Nick] Congratulations, Mister Hollywood. So where's the shades?
 * Nick: Now why would I hide a face like this with shades?
 * Louis: You're right. Better get him a paper bag!

 * Mom: God gives strength to the humble, but He flattens the hotshots.

 * McGee: It's like I always say: "If you think you're a hotshot, watch out for gameshows with choc-o-late."
 * Nick: [grinning] No, It's more like, "If you don't stop making jokes so bad, watch out for a slamming sketch pad".

The Not-So-Great Escape

 * McGee: A valiant effort, earthlings. But that was only a three dimensional projection of my pod! Moo-hoo-ha-ha!

 * Louis and Nick: [reciting the ad] First, there was Dawn of the Blood Freaks. Then Day of the Blood Freaks. Then Twilight. But now, as the shadows begin to fall, it's Night of the Blood Freaks!

 * Mom: Absolutely not!
 * Nick: But, Mom!
 * Mom: Why would you wanna go see a gross movie like that, anyway?
 * Sarah: 'Cause he's gross!
 * Nick: It's not that bad. Besides, everybody else gets to go see it. Come on, please.
 * Dad: [to Nick] "Please" what?
 * Mom: [to Dad] Nicholas wants to go see a movie with Louis.
 * Dad: Oh sure, why not? What's it rated? Hello?
 * Sarah: It's a real classic. Night of the Blood Freaks, part four.
 * Nick: [meekly] In 3-D.
 * Dad: No way. Absolutely not!
 * Nick: But, Dad!
 * Mom: Honey, we don't want you filling your mind with tat kind of garbage, you know that!
 * Nick: But, Mom!
 * Sarah: I told you!
 * Nick: SHUT UP!!!!!
 * Dad: [shocked] Nicholas?
 * Nick: WELL, WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING?!?!
 * Dad: Nicholas.
 * Nick: [mockingly] "You can't do this, you can't do that!"
 * Dad: One more word out of you, young man.
 * Nick: IT'S NOT FAIR! EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO GO SEE IT, BUT I HAVE TO SIT AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF---
 * Mom: [interrupting him] NICHOLAS!
 * Dad: THAT'S IT! Now you don't talk that way in this home. Go to your room, you're grounded!

 * McGee: [Brushing his teeth] Hello, Nick.
 * Nick: Go smell your socks.
 * McGee: Wound up a bit tight tonight, aren't we? Oh, I know. Look, kid, you watch movies like that long enough, and pretty soon they'll stick a sign on your head that says, "Dump site".
 * Nick: What are you, some kind of film critic or something?
 * McGee: Well, as a matter of fact--

 * McGee: You call that fun? Why don't you just stick your head in a garbage can or something?
 * Nick: 'Cause then I'd have to room with you!

 * Louis: Meet me over by that Buick.
 * Nick: Let's just go to the theater.
 * Louis: That's not what Blue Fox would do.
 * Nick: Yeah and Blue Fox's mom wouldn't chase him around the kitchen either.

 * McGee: [watching Night of the Blood Freaks] The things I do for money.

 * Dad: [After mom and dad hear the sound Nick opening the door while they're reading] Nicholas! Come in here! Did you go to the movies?
 * Nick: Yes, sir.
 * Dad: [sighs] Did you enjoy yourself?
 * Nick: [upset] No, it was awful.
 * Mom: Do you realize what you done?
 * Dad: Sit down, Nick. [Nick sits down] When your mother and I told you you couldn't go, it was for a purpose...
 * Mom: We were trying to protect you.
 * Dad: Your mind is the most important thing you have. That's why the Lord is very clear when he says "We have to be careful of what we put in it." Now whether you enjoy the movie or not is beside the point! Just by going to see it, you've put something in your mind to... to dirty it. To pollute it! It's bound to effect your life, it's garbage in, garbage out, Nicholas!
 * Mom: You've got scenes in your mind that you can never erase. You got pictures that... maybe with you for the rest of your life.
 * Nick: I'm sorry.
 * Dad: I'm sorry too, son. I want you to go to your room and give this some thought. I'll be up in a little while to talk about your punishment.
 * Nick as the Narrator: Well, you might say "We did more than talk about my punishment." And with all the extra chores I got that week, I had plenty of time to think about the things Dad said.
 * Nick: [sighs] I need a break.
 * McGee: So, are we finished?
 * Nick: No, "We" are not finished, I still have to haul all these boxes from the garage to the attic.
 * McGee: Boy! The folks riding you kinda hard, aren't they?
 * Nick: It could be worse. I coulda have a decision with that stupid movie again.
 * McGee: [laughs]
 * Nick: I tell ya, McGee, I'm through with watching garbage like that.
 * McGee: [Nodding his head] Uh-huh!
 * Nick: But you gotta help me, that kinda stuff's all around.
 * McGee: Yep, it's tough making the right choices, but, it's like I've always told ya: The road to ruin is paved with crude inventions.
 * Nick: Ah, inventions. Like the time you told me to use Mom's vacuum cleaner to rake the leaves?
 * McGee: [awkwardly] It woulda worked if you hadn't hit the sprinkler.
 * Nick: Or how about the time you told me to cut the sleeves off my shirt so that Mom wouldn't see the tear? Or how many times you told me to eat that raw egg?
 * McGee: You know, his mind really is full of garbage.

Skate Expectations

 * Nick: [to Phillip] Why was Derrick picking on you?
 * Phillip: Don't tell Mrs. Harmon, but he's making me give him the answers to the geography quiz.
 * Nick: Figures. I guess he can't handle big words like "Ohio".

 * Mrs. Harmon: Mr. Cryder. I must say that out of all the quiz papers, yours was the most creative.
 * Derrick: Thank you.
 * Mrs. Harmon: Perhaps you'd share with the class your answer to question number 7, "what is the state capitol of Michigan?"
 * Derrick: Motown.
 * Mrs. Harmon: Number 8, "where are the Great Plains located?"
 * Derrick: At the Great Airports.

 * Nick: So what am I supposed to do against Derrick and the Goon Platoon?
 * McGee: Do? You can call Goliath-breath out, that's what! One on one! Man to man! Mano-a-mano!
 * Nick: Victim to mugger.

Louis: [talking about Nick's upcoming race with Derrick] No way, I've seen you skate. Derrick won third place last year in the tri-city finals. He'll smear ya!

Derrick Cryder: [after accepting Nick's skateboard race] And what happens when you lose—like I know you're gonna?!
 * Derrick's Dork: Hey, why don't you make him your slave?
 * Derrick Cryder: Yeah, yeah. What he said, for a week!
 * Derrick's Dork: You're dead meat, man! Hamburger!

 * Derrick's Dork: [Derrick and his friends watching Nick do tricks on his skateboard] Oh, man he's not bad!

 * Derrick Cryder: Yeah. We'd better fix him, fix him good, just to be sure. Let's bail.

 * Derrick Cryder: [finding out that Nick won and not him] Wait a minute, I won this race! Guess your mom needs to buy you glasses!
 * Phillip: Get lost, Derrick! We won that race! You cheated!

Twister and Shout

 * McGee: First we're munchkins. Then we're melted. Now we're waitin' on a tornado! What's next? Flying monkeys?

---
 * Mom: Alright, the number for the banquet hall is...
 * Sarah: ...on the refrigerator.
 * Mom: ...and the number for Dr. Walter's is...
 * Sarah: ...on the refrigerator.
 * Mom: And if anybody calls us, you tell them that we're...
 * Nick and Louis: On the refrigerator!

Back To The Drawing Board

 * [McGee is playing the violin at an annoying pitch.]
 * Nick: Will you knock it off?!
 * McGee: You're just jealous because all you can play is the radio.
 * Nick: I am not jealous!
 * McGee: Sure! That's why you've been trying to draw that bucket of bolts all night!
 * Nick: Hey, I was just messing around.

---

 * Mrs. Harmon: Did you all pick out books for your reports?
 * Derrick: [grabbing a book from Renee] Uh, I've got my book, Mrs. Harmon.
 * Mrs. Harmon: [reading the title incredulously] Pretty and Popular: The Modern Girl's Guide To Good Looks. Well, I'll be interested in reading what you have to write on the subject! [walks away]
 * Derrick's friend: Nice one, Derrick!
 * Derrick: Why didn't you stop me?!

 * Todd-enardo: Here's a little portrait I whipped up this morning over breakfast. I call it the Moaning Lisa.
 * [Unveils canvas of the Mona Lisa.]
 * Duke of Ellington: It's stupendous! It's, it's fabulous! It's wonderful! Do you have any business cards? Nothing too flashy about this size but you know, with sort of a, a royal flair-
 * Nick-elangelo: [interrupting] Hey! What about me?
 * Duke of Ellington: Oh, very well, Nick-elangelo, proceed.
 * Nick-elangelo: I envision a magnificent painting that will capture the creation of the entire world! And I think you will agree that, when you see my sketches, I should paint the Pristine Chapel.
 * [Nick-elangelo unveils canvas of stick figure.]
 * Duke of Ellington: [spit take, regains composure] Ahem. Perhaps we will give you a call when we paint the basement! Todd-enardo, when can you begin?.
 * Nick-elangelo: Wait a second, this isn't my best stuff. I can do better than him!
 * Duke of Ellington: Away with him. Away with him!
 * Nick: Give me another chance, I can do better. I can do better! [back to reality] I can do better!
 * [Class laughs.]
 * Mrs. Harmon: You think you can do better than Leonardo Da Vinci, Nick?

 * Nick: [to himself] Fun? Right now the only thing that will be fun is putting this puffed up Picasso in his place, once and for all!

 * Grandma: Here's your Kibbles, just the way you like it!

Do The Bright Thing

 * Art Store Owner (played by Dick van Patten): In art school, they told us that you were only as good as your tools. So, I went out and bought a new wrench and socket set!

 * [Nick pondering whether he should write his Treasure Island book report without finishing the last two chapters.]
 * Derrick: Look, Stupid, everybody does it. Man, I just read the inside cover. Look, if you squeal on me...!

 * [Nick watching television in imaginary scenario where he writes his report without finishing the book.]
 * TV Announcer: And now our Sci-Fi Matinee, Rowanda: Queen of Venus, starring Schnooks Wheeler!
 * Nick: [snapping out of the daydream] I wanted to read the whole book anyway.
 * [Starts reading, then pauses.]
 * Nick: [disbelieving] "Schnooks Wheeler?"

 * Mcgee: That's wise man, not wise guy.

 * [Nick giving a book report as McGee.]
 * Nick: And so they captured, uh, what's-his-name, uh, Jim Hawkins, and y'know they just hung out.
 * [Cut.]
 * Nick: Arr! If you don't tell me where your treasure is, I'll have your head, or my name ain't Long Underwear! [crickets chirp] I mean, uh, Long John Silver. Heh heh. What are you guys, an oil painting?

Take Me Out of the Ball Game

 * Announcer: [exasperated] A triple play; I can't believe it! Slam "the Man" Martin has hit into a triple play!
 * Orel Hershiser (as himself): [taking Nick aside] Hey, don't feel so bad "Slam". Remember, no one man can do it all. It takes a whole team to win a game.

 * Nick: See that cloud? That's the shape of the trophy we're gonna win.

 * Dad: [after getting off the phone] So long ya big bag of wind!
 * Mom: David!

 * Harvey Stover: Hey, that's some good hitting. Who's your assistant?
 * Dad: That's Thurman Miller, my new pitcher.
 * Harvey: Your what?
 * Dad: Hey you look a little pale, Harv. You sure your not coming down with something, like chicken pox?
 * Harvey: That guy played Triple-A for the Cards last year, I'm sure of it!
 * Dad: He's thirteen years old, he meets all the league requirements. Anything else you wanna know, Sherlock?
 * Harvey: Hey, you wanna get ugly? I can get ugly!
 * Dad: I'll bet!
 * Harvey: And we'll see who has the last laugh, just like last year!
 * Dad: Hey, last year's history, pal, just like your winning streak!

 * McGee: Somewhere in this favored land, the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light, and somewhere men are happy and somewhere children shout, but there is no joy in Eastfield; mighty Thurman has struck out!

The Fight Before Christmas

 * Nick: Although participation was what you might call "required", no one really minded. In fact everyone kind of enjoyed it.
 * Derrick: [to a little girl] What are you looking at, Flake?"
 * Nick: Well, almost everyone.

 * Mrs. Harmon: The script calls for three wise men, Mr. Cryder, and come Friday, three wise men we will have, unless you want to be the first person in the history of Eastfield to take my class three years in a row.
 * Derrick: Hey... that's, that's like blackmail!
 * Mrs. Harmon: That's right. Merry Christmas.

 * McGee: [attempting to fix one of the Christmas tree lights] Whatcha got here is a few scatterfrans with a polynine scrillblatz.
 * Nick: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
 * McGee: So, I just reverse the gyro-stabilizers, and it's showtime. [electrocutes himself ]
 * Nick: Well, how's that scatterfratz?
 * McGee: Go peddle your eggnog.

 * McGee: [dressed as an angel, with working wings] So, what do you think, kid?
 * Nick: Very nice, if this is a non-stop flight, I hope.
 * McGee: I mean, what what should we do about Derrick?

 * Dad: Break a leg, guys.
 * Louis: What?
 * Nick: It's like "good luck".
 * Louis: It's like, a possibility, in this show.

In The Nick Of Time

 * Nick: If Renee's, Philip's, and my dad have all coked up some big surprise trip for us all, it's gotta be pretty spectacular. Right?
 * McGee: You mean like that tulip festival we went to in Michigan!

 * [Sarah is walking through the door.]
 * Sarah: Where's the dip? [sees Nick] Oh, there you are!
 * [Nick scowls.]
 * Sarah: [laughing] Just kidding. I've only got a few more hours to tease you before you go. [Grabs a potato chip, and walks off.]
 * Nick: [to himself] And I thought she only loved me for my potato chips.

 * Philip: My dad's too excited. We must be going to a dentist convention.

 * Nick: Hey, Dad, um... When are ya gonna tell us where we're goin'?
 * David Martin: Soon... but I'll give ya a hint. [opens his Bible and begins to read] "God fills me with strength and protects me wherever I go. He gives me the sure footedness of a mountain goat upon the crag".
 * Nick: We're going to the zoo?

 * [Philip is trying to lift his duffel bag, but with little success.]
 * Nick: Philip, what are you doing?
 * Philip: Struggling with my fear!
 * Nick: What fear?
 * Philip: My fear of being crushed under all this stuff!
 * [Nick laughs.]

 * Giff: Believe it or not, climbing's fun, Nick. It can give you a great sense of accomplishment, it's challenging, you make great friends.
 * Nick: So far, you could say the exact same thing about baseball.

 * Phil Monroe, Sr: Bears don't like water, do they?
 * Philip: Not unless they're into water skiing.

 * [McGee is chowing down on a chocolate chip cookie.]
 * McGee: Mmm! The next time ya hit the Giant, bag the macaroni! We're takin' chocolate chipsters!
 * Nick: Naw. I don't think I'll be facing the Giant again, McGee.
 * McGee: What? You ready for Everest?

The Blunder Years

 * Nick: That's because Rex Rogers, who happens to be the coolest guy at Eastfield Jr. High, is gonna show me what's cool.

 * Rex: [reading from Nick's open Bible] "Men judge by the outward appearance." Cool!
 * McGee: What? Let me see that! "Men judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at a man's thoughts and intentions". That rooster missed the whole point!

 * Rex: Doodles? Very uncool, Nick.

 * Nick: Whoa. Totally non-geeky!

 * Rex: [to Nick's suggestion of studying for an upcoming history test] Hey, bag the books, dude. What's to study? Christopher Columbus checked this place out. Now we're here.

 * Sarah: [returning from tennis match] I don't know why they call it "love" when you don't score any points. It's more like, total humiliation!

 * McGee: [in voiceover] Personally, I'd like to lock old Rexie in a little room and throw away the room.

 * McGee: That's only a plain white T-shirt. Commonly known as... underwear.
 * Nick: McGee, this is the only cool shirt I have!
 * McGee: What about the other one that says, "Cartoons are our friends"?
 * Nick: Get real, McGee. It might as well say, "I'm a geek and proud of it".

 * Nick: Come Monday, every kid in school is going to be laughing at me and saying, "There goes Nick, son of the oldest living... teeny boppers."

Beauty In The Least

 * Mcgee: Did you hear that? Secret code! They look like Soviet agents to me.
 * Nick: There are no more Soviet agents.
 * Mcgee: Oh don't tell me you buy that whole "collapse of the Soviet Union" thing! Pure propaganda!

 * Michael: You know back home, one push of the finger produces a long, steady, forceful ring, and when I'm finished, yours will do the same.
 * Mom: Michael, I know this has been on David's "fix-it" list for a while, and I thank you very much for, repairing it and everything...
 * Michael: Oh please, my pleasure, and maybe next time when guest come, they won't have to go to back door and scare family.

-
 * Nick: [reading the inscription on the pencil cup Elia gave him] "to Nick, my best American friend. -Elia" Car-Carpaethia! He made this out of his model ship.

 * Elia: [holding the model plane Nick gave him] Oh Nick, I cannot accept this.

 * Nick: Please, I want you to have it. It's just my way of saying, "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused".

 * Elia: Nick, it's okay. If you would have came to visit me during the World Cup, I would have thought you were dweeb-o-matic, too.

 * Jaimie: I get sick for a few days, and look what happens: my family opens a restaurant. I gotta get well, fast.

 * Mcgee: [After falling into the gravy boat] It's like I always say: "Into every bowl of gravy, a little turkey must fall".

title: McGee and Me!