text:
The O.C.

The O.C. is an American television dramedy/soap opera program which debuted on the Fox Network in 2003 and ended in 2007.

Pilot [1.1]

 * Ryan: Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are gonna have to stay in their jobs until they're 80. So I don't wanna commit to anything too soon.

 * Seth: Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know... um...

 * Seth: Summer's right over there. Look. Oh, stop, wait, don't look don't look. But, I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.

 * Seth: Oh, wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock. In case there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

 * Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. [they pick him up] Oh, I guess you're fans of the cliché.

 * Marissa: Who are you?
 * Ryan: Whoever you want me to be

The Model Home [1.2]

 * Marissa: Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.
 * Seth: Oh, wow — complaining. That's very interesting, considering nobody invited you.
 * Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

 * Marissa: Do you like them? [the music playing on the car's player]
 * Ryan: Yeah I guess.
 * Marissa: Well, what do you like?
 * Ryan: Everything. I don't know, I don't really listen to music.
 * Seth: Dude, that's kinda weird.
 * Ryan: Why, what do you like?
 * Marissa: Oh, right now..? Punk.
 * Seth: I'm sorry, Avril Lavigne doesn't count as punk.
 * Marissa: Oh yeah? Well what about The Cramps, Stiff Little Fingers, The Clash, Sex Pistols?
 * Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.

 * Ryan: I'm not too popular around here. And your boyfriend? A little angry.
 * Marissa: Oh, and you're telling me you didn't try to hit him back?
 * Ryan: Actually, I hit him first.
 * Marissa: Well, hard to believe you're not more popular.

 * Luke: Shut up, queer.
 * Seth: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.
 * Luke: What did you just say?
 * Seth: I just said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

 * Ryan: You know what I like about rich kids? [punches Luke] Nothing.

 * Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing that you were safe.
 * Seth: So, I'm like asthma?

The Gamble [1.3]

 * Sandy: It's gonna be ok.
 * Ryan: [scoffs, sarcastically] My mom ditched me, I burned your wife's house down, how is this gonna "be ok"?

 * Sandy: Wow! You're all set up for your Newpsie convention! Hey, when do these vultures land?
 * Kirsten: Soon, and I'm sure that I have a doily out of place somewhere.
 * Sandy: Good. Gives them something to talk about.

 * Sandy: Well, I should be off. Gotta find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a Black kid, or an Asian kid. Bye ladies!

 * Summer: Still hasn't called you back? He was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.

 * Jimmy: So, how's your mother?
 * Seth: Ahh, just... married.

 * Seth: [at the door of Summer's room] I'm going to visit Ryan. I thought, you know, maybe you'd like to come. I'm sure he'd love to see you.
 * Marissa: Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention? [shuts door]
 * Seth: Star Wars convention? I'm sorry, her top was off. You couldn't at least have said X-Men for me?

 * Ryan: What do you do exactly? Real estate or construction?
 * Seth: Dude, don't ask.
 * Kirsten: I tried to explain it to Seth once and he fell asleep halfway through.
 * Seth: [sheepishly] Ok...but..uh...yeah, it's pretty much true. [Kirsten smirks]
 * Ryan: [to Kirsten] Try me.
 * [Seth groans and leaves]

 * Ryan: I used to want to be an architect.
 * Kirsten: And what do you want to be now?
 * Ryan: Seventeen.
 * Kirsten: Me, too.

 * Julie: He basically called me ! He said I was from Riverside!
 * Jimmy: Honey, you are from Riverside.
 * Julie: It was his tone!

 * Dawn: I'm an embarrassment to my son.
 * Kirsten: Welcome to my world.

The Debut [1.4]

 * Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
 * Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
 * Kirsten: What about the rug?
 * Seth: I'm gonna go now.

 * Seth: [to Ryan] Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

 * Marissa: Oh, well, actually, Summer, Ryan's already been promised to someone else.
 * Summer: I can't believe this. You gave him to someone else? Who? Who's pathetic enough not to have a date the day before cotillion?
 * Anna: Actually, at this point, that would be you.

 * Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?
 * Ryan: Is that gonna be a problem?
 * Anna: I can't wait.

 * Seth: Wow, you're a really good barbecutionist.

 * Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? A lone figure sitting on the floor, wondering if he's gonna be lonely for the rest of his life.
 * Seth: Hey, your insensitivity — it's really, uh, nonexistent.
 * Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.
 * Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.

The Outsider [1.5]

 * Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been, like, paying for everything. I can't keep taking their money.
 * Seth: They're parents. They work for us.
 * Ryan: No, they work for you.

 * Ryan: It's kind of a shady neighborhood. It's pretty hardcore up there.
 * Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

 * Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.

 * Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time... work on the novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

 * Jimmy: You know how long it's been since I had steak? I live with three vegetarians.
 * Sandy: You know how long it's been since we had beer in the house? I am so sick of chardonnay and merlot.

The Girlfriend [1.6]

 * Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?

 * Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
 * Sandy: Okay. Oh, no, no wait. I can't.
 * Kirsten: Why?
 * Sandy: I'm still Jewish. Just gettin' it out of my system. I promise.
 * Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend's like.
 * Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. And on fire.

 * Caleb: Speak of the devil and the devil, he doth appear.

 * Caleb: [greets Seth with a hug] Seth! Ah...  You're still not a football player.
 * Seth: Ha, no, but thank you.

 * [Seth and Ryan are in the Jacuzzi staring at a bikini-clad Gabrielle who is in the main pool]
 * Seth: Is it twisted if I find my potential grandma really hot?
 * Ryan: Not when she looks like that.

 * Gabrielle: I'm being sarcastic.
 * Seth: Ah... Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.

 * Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.
 * Seth: I think he still does.

 * Gabrielle: You must think it's weird, me with an older guy.
 * Ryan: I live in a pool house.

 * Caleb: You have a quick wit, Seth. Amazing you're not better at skirt-chasing.
 * Seth: If by "skirts" you mean girls in your outdated cowboy-speak, I have a little news for you. Turns out somebody has a date to your party. And it's not a big deal or anything, but if you must know, Summer asked me.
 * Sandy: Summer. Wow. Summer's hot.
 * Seth: You did not just say that.

The Escape [1.7]

 * Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
 * Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
 * Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

 * Seth: Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman.
 * Ryan: I thought you said you went every year.

 * Seth: I'm going 70 in a 65 zone.
 * Summer: 80 is the new 70.
 * Seth: What? Who talks like that?
 * Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, wait, Cohen does!
 * Seth: Well they have God on their side, Summer, okay. I'm not gonna beat Jesus.
 * Summer: I'm gonna call Holly and see how far ahead of us they are. And she's a girl!
 * Seth: That's insulting to your own gender.
 * Summer: Not as insulting as it is to you.

 * Summer: What're you doing?
 * Seth: Almost watching TV. This is either  or JAG.

 * Seth: You ate my toast, Summer.
 * Summer: I like crusts, Seth.
 * Seth: Face it. Our chemistry is undeniable.
 * Summer: You know what else is undeniable?
 * Seth: What?
 * Summer: The pain this fork is gonna cause when I jam it into your eye. I suffer from rage blackouts.

The Rescue [1.8]

 * Ryan: You guys have tennis courts and a swimming pool?
 * Seth: I'm guessing you didn't at your old school.
 * Ryan: Well, we had a basketball hoop.

 * Seth: We gotta get your photo taken for your school ID.
 * Ryan: Another mugshot?
 * Seth: If you must be so cynical.

 * [Seth is in his room and there is a knock on his door]
 * Seth: Not now, Mom. I'm studying naked.
 * Summer: Eww.
 * Seth: [opens door and sees Summer] Summer?
 * Summer: What kind of family do you have, Cohen?
 * Seth: The kind where mothers and sons always wear clothing. Even in the shower.

 * Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?
 * Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
 * Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
 * Seth: When are you leaving?

 * Sandy: You and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
 * Seth: Dad..."chummy"?
 * Sandy: It's ok. You can tell me.
 * Seth: No, really, I can't.
 * Sandy: You can't tell your dad, who can you tell?
 * Seth: [deadpan] Gee, I don't know. Uh, Ryan....the tree over there.
 * Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
 * Seth: When are you leavin'?

 * Seth: [looks at Sandy's new ID card] God! Dad, those eyebrows are out of control.
 * Sandy: It's a sign of power, you know.
 * Seth: Well, then you must be the most powerful man in the world.
 * Sandy: Well, brace yourself, son. It's genetic.

The Heights [1.9]

 * Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?
 * Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

 * Seth: Every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes... Nah, I'm just kidding. He pees in both of them.

 * Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to our school.

 * Anna: Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?
 * Seth: Oh, well. If it doesn't, we've never spoken.

 * Summer: Sailing is, like, so not the fastest way to get anywhere.

The Perfect Couple [1.10]

 * Sandy: You walked in on them? Ryan and Marissa Cooper. Didn't I tell ya?
 * Kirsten: [unamused] No.

 * Seth: Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.

 * Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing.
 * Ryan: You still play Magic.
 * Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

 * Seth: Summer, can I walk you to class?
 * Summer: I can walk myself.
 * Seth: Great, then you can walk me, too.

 * Kirsten: [sarcastically, to Caleb] You are the official sponsor of the "Julie Cooper Comeback Tour"?

 * Seth: You and Julie Cooper trapped on a boat, huh?
 * Ryan: Yeah.
 * Seth: Can't wait to see how that one goes.
 * Ryan: I don't really have a choice, since she's my girlfriend.
 * Seth: What? Girlfriend? I thought that you didn't do girlfriends. I mean you did 'em, but you know what I'm saying.

 * Seth: What? It’s Anna. I could have said "pop a squat" in front of her if I wanted to.
 * Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
 * Seth: Sometimes I do.

 * Marissa: Hey, how goes it with Chip?
 * Summer: Well, he's surprised that the ocean is big! Smoke another beer, Chip.
 * Marissa: Wow, someone is in a good mood.

 * Summer: I do not like Seth Cohen. I mean, I can't like Seth Cohen. He's, like, Seth Cohen!

 * [Seth and Anna are observing a woman with breast implants and her husband]
 * Seth: Oh goodness, look at that piece right there. Get a northeasterly breeze, that 's gonna go overboard.
 * Anna: Good thing his wife has surgically enhanced flotation devices because then she can jump in after him.

 * Chip: Wow, check it out. It's like totally dark but totally visual.
 * Summer: [annoyed] Yeah. Not understanding a word you're saying. Finish 'shrooming. I'm gonna go get a drink.

The Homecoming [1.11]

 * Seth: Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is a lot? I dream that I eat so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out right at the table. Please do not deny me that.
 * Ryan: [stares at Seth] Whoa, now that's just weird.

 * Sandy: Sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.
 * Kirsten: A pact?
 * Sandy: A solemn promise.
 * Kirsten: When?
 * Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

 * Sandy: [opens door to see Julie and Caleb at the doorstep] Ah, the gruesome twosome.
 * Kirsten: That means "Happy Thanksgiving" in Sandy.

 * Theresa: Mom, don't ask her to cook. [looks at Marissa] I'm sure she has maids for that.

 * [Rachel, Julie, Caleb and Jimmy are on the sofa watching football while Sandy and Kirsten are in the kitchen looking on.]
 * Sandy: You know, we've been trying to get him [Caleb] to come to Thanksgiving for years.
 * Kirsten: [bitterly] The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.

 * Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

 * Anna: Summer!?
 * Summer: Anna!?
 * [both look at Seth] Seth!?

 * Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing, or... laughter.
 * Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
 * Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well, look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

The Secret [1.12]

 * Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu.
 * Seth: I dunno. It's possible.
 * Ryan: Maybe you need some Annabiotics.

 * Sandy: And you're going to yogalates.
 * Kirsten: You just like saying that.
 * Sandy: Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. Yogalates?
 * Ryan: Yogalates.

 * Seth: [to Ryan, after hearing that he and Luke are partners for a project] You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!

 * Luke: What are you looking at, queer?
 * Seth: Somebody writing you new material? [Luke lunges at him] All right. Go with what works.

 * Julie: [about Caleb] Can I ask you a question? Do you like that he calls you Kiki?
 * Kirsten: Hate it.
 * Julie: 'Cause he kept calling me "Juju", like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth.

 * Luke: Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off, go hit the beach, give everybody time to get it out of their systems.
 * Ryan: It doesn't work like that. It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino that burned a house down.
 * Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
 * Seth: And I'm still the... I'm still Seth Cohen.
 * Luke: Oh, this is gonna suck.
 * Seth: Yep. Welcome to my world.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever [1.13]

 * Seth: So, what's it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Christmas or Hanukkah?
 * Ryan: Uh...
 * Seth: Don't worry about it, buddy, because in this house, you don't have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something I like to call... Chrismukkah.

 * Seth: Oy humbug.

 * Seth: You'll see. You'll see too. You'll all see.
 * Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.
 * Seth: I'm okay with that.

 * Ryan: You'd better pray for a Chrimukkah miracle.
 * Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

 * Seth: How was the mall?
 * Ryan: Eh... Weird.
 * Seth: Yes. You've really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.

The Countdown [1.14]

 * Marissa: I love you [Ryan]

 * Silence
 * Ryan: Thank you
 * Marissa: Uhm, you're welcome.

 * Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the Champagne Room.

 * Sandy: I have two guesses. Either she's run out of money, or... she's run out of money.

 * Hailey: You guys are, like... married.
 * Kirsten: Yeah, that was the idea. When we had our wedding.
 * Hailey: No, I mean... deeply, deeply married.

 * Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

 * Sandy: Sandy Cohen. Pleasure swinging with you.

The Third Wheel [1.15]

 * Sandy: She's eating us out of house and home.
 * Kirsten: Sandy, it's just a bagel.
 * Sandy: No, no, no. It's never just a bagel!
 * Seth: Mom. As someone who's basically been a shut-in for the last 17 years I can pretty much say with great authority that the woman never leaves the house.
 * Kirsten: It's because she's got nowhere else to go.
 * Ryan: It's because all her friends want to kick her ass. [looks at Sandy] Sorry about the language.
 * Sandy: Why? I'd like to kick her ass.

 * Marissa: Have we become one of those couples?
 * Ryan: Who lose all their friends?
 * Marissa: And can't do anything without each other?
 * Ryan: I don't think so. You think so?
 * Marissa: I gotta go.
 * Ryan: Yeah. And I've got the...
 * Marissa: Walk me?
 * Ryan: I'll walk you.

 * Luke: New year's resolution: punch people less.
 * Ryan: I have the same one.

 * Seth: Dude, I cannot believe you live in the penthouse, man. This place is ridonculous.
 * Marissa: Yeah, it's always been my fantasy to live in a hotel. Like Eloise.

 * Sandy: So, at this concert tonight, anyone there going to be doing drugs?
 * Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it's a lame-ass concert.
 * Sandy: Anyone named Seth gonna be doing any drugs?

The Links [1.16]

 * Ryan: I don't play golf.
 * Seth: Not true, buddy! You just don't play well.

 * Kirsten: [offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?
 * Sandy: Yes, darling?

 * Jimmy: Like you said, I can start over, have a new life. I never really wanted to be a financial planner... or a thief.

 * Kirsten: She looks good. Her spirits are high.
 * Caleb: She's high?
 * Kirsten: No, her spirit. Her mood. She's up.
 * Caleb: So, she's on uppers?

 * Hailey: Julie, your hair.
 * Julie: Hailey, you're here.

 * Seth: There should be a channel on television, I think, of us watching television.
 * Anna: We're that good.
 * Summer: Yeah, you are. You're so that good. You're whole witty-banter thing is so cute, you guys. You guys are like brother and sister. Yeah, you guys could totally be related.

The Rivals [1.17]

 * Kirsten: "Aspirational"? Is that even a word?

 * Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad, we'll give up on you? You can't.

 * Sandy: Hey. How are you? I'm Sandy.
 * Danny: Why don't you take a shower?
 * Sandy: Pardon me?
 * Danny: Just kidding, I like you dirty.

 * Seth: She said that about me? That she thinks I'm the funniest guy ever?
 * Danny: Yes. You and some dude named Captain Oats. Who the hell is Captain Oats?

 * Seth: I know 's no Leno, but, you know...

The Truth [1.18]

 * Julie: As the Newport Group's new Design Director, I've decided to give the office a much-needed facelift. Now wait till you see your furniture, Kiki. It's very fresh, very Danish, very "hello"!

 * Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
 * Sandy: Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.

 * Oliver: She's not talking to Ryan right now.
 * Luke: Is she still talking to me, or are you doing all of her talking from now on?

 * Sandy: Hello, ladies!... Seth...
 * Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.

 * Seth: It's a good story, Ryan. It's the story of two young men who could not be more different, but eventually they learn to overcome their differences and team up, kind of like brothers. Not entirely unlike you and me. Except that I blew it.

The Heartbreak [1.19]

 * Sandy: I can't go to the Valentines Singles Dance Gala Dance Singles thingy....
 * Kirsten: No. I forbid it.
 * Sandy: You what?
 * Kirsten: With whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy and romantic of days, no.
 * Sandy: It's only a holiday. It's not even a real holiday.
 * Kirsten: Not this again. Not on an empty stomach.
 * Sandy: How about Arbor Day? Trees? That's a good cause. Or Secretary's Day? Or how about our anniversary?
 * Kirsten: Which we might not make it to.

 * Kirsten: You're going. Sandy, this is important to me.
 * Sandy: You know, there are a lot of things that are important to me that you don't do.
 * Kirsten: Like what?
 * Sandy: Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.
 * Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.
 * Sandy: Surfing. How many times have I tried to get you in the ocean?
 * Kirsten: With the fish? Uh!
 * Sandy: And still I'm patient. I'm forgiving.
 * Kirsten: You're joking?
 * Sandy: I patiently put up with your father.
 * Kirsten: You're eligible for sainthood any day now.

 * Sandy: What are we fighting about?
 * Kirsten: I am not sure but it's serious!

 * Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
 * Seth: [outside the door] Is that supposed to keep me away?
 * Summer: Cohen? You're at my house!
 * Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.
 * Seth: Okay, listen. Summer, it's not like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Okay? Because the whole reason that we broke up is because for me it's always been you, Summer. It's always been you. I've tried to fight it and I've tried to deny it. And I can't do it. I can't. You're undeniable.

 * Seth: Just need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
 * Sandy: Well, you've come to the master. [Kirsten snickers] Hey, I got you.
 * Kirsten: I was young, impressionable and drunk.
 * Seth: Only child... Right here.

 * Summer: The other night, when we... had sex... you weren't the only virgin in the room.
 * Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like, filming us?
 * Summer: Me, jackass.

 * Luke: Whenever we played Ultimatum...
 * Julie: Ultimatum?
 * Luke: You know, who... of... all your friends' moms would you rather... do?
 * Julie: That's a game?
 * Luke:: And whenever we played it, you always won.
 * Julie: Really? I beat Kirsten?

The Telenovela [1.20]

 * Seth: Brad, dude, I didn't recognize you out of a Speedo... Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo, but...

 * Seth: How was Pittsburgh?
 * Anna: It was good to be home.
 * Seth: Yeah. Pittsburgh's also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers and ketchup. You can't compete with that.

 * Kirsten: He's a consultant.
 * Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
 * Kirsten: He knows people.
 * Sandy: You did it. That was a little more vague.

 * Seth: I'm sorry, Summer. I need to take a stand. Okay, this whole separation of the public and private spheres is not working for me. I can't do it.
 * Summer: But I told you how-
 * Seth: One day, you know, you might have some MTV-driven radio hits and a little moderately priced teen clothing line. I could get offered $20 million to portray a blind superhero in a red leather unitard. But until the, as long as we're complete faceless nobodies living in obscurity... I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly. So, let me know when you're ready to come to the bargaining table. But until then, you just consider me on strike.
 * Summer: Well you'll be crossing your own picket line in no time.
 * Seth: Fight the power.

 * Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical or two myself in college.
 * Kirsten: Oh, someone please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."
 * Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

The Goodbye Girl [1.21]

 * Summer: My Dad says chins are the new nose.
 * Anna: So did Picasso.
 * Summer: Really? What hospital does he work for? Kidding! I'm not that dumb, just shallow!

 * Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?
 * Ryan: You're going to tell me either way, right?
 * Sandy: Like my own son.

 * Seth: The ink's all smudged, I can't even read it! Is that a "v" or a "q"? Here, look, right there. First sentence says "I love you," but what is that word right there? "Azerbaijan"? "Aztecs"?
 * Summer: Aspirin.
 * Seth: You think it says "aspirin"?
 * Summer: No, you're giving me a headache.
 * Seth: Okay. "Coincidence"? "Confucius"? What is the "c" word?
 * Summer: Confusing?
 * Seth: You think it says "confusing"?
 * Summer: No! You're confusing me.

 * Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

 * Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
 * Ryan: What if she went back to Chino?
 * Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? Kidding, come on.
 * Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.
 * Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.
 * Ryan: Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. What do you think he's doing right now?
 * Seth: Discovering fire? Hunting and gathering? Shaving his chest with a buck knife? You guys could do that together.
 * Ryan: I do do that.

The L.A. [1.22]

 * Seth: Listen, man, this is a good time for you, okay, Ryan Atwood. This is clean-slate Ryan. Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.
 * Ryan: I guess you're right, I guess I really do have a clean slate.
 * Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it has been nothing but lady drama with you: Marissa, Theresa, Luke, Oliver, Eddie... dude, I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.
 * Ryan: I am kinda tired.
 * Seth: You should be! And you know what, you're gonna get a break, 'cause you deserve it. I think I'm going to declare this month... Angst-Free Ryan Month.
 * Ryan: Month? You think it's going to last a month?
 * Seth: Angst-Free Ryan Week. With an option for an additional week if you like it.
 * Ryan: Okay! Thanks, bud.

 * Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to a motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.

 * Ryan: Is that Grady? He's kind of like you.
 * Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
 * Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.

 * Caleb: Look, I know when I'm not wanted.
 * Sandy: And yet you're always at our house!

 * Seth: Right on. I'm hoping for a little Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, maybe Kate Bosworth myself. [Summer hits him] Ow! What? It's okay for you to pine over Legolas?
 * Summer: Yeah, he's an elf. He saved Middle-Earth. That is a huge part of European history.

The Nana [1.23]

 * Seth: So what's the GP, RA?
 * Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
 * Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
 * Ryan: You're just using initials now?
 * Seth: Yeah. They save time.
 * Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.
 * Seth: GP.
 * Ryan: Game Plan?
 * Seth: Good Point.

 * Seth: Mom, Hailey made three different kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.

 * Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you. [opens the Haggadah]
 * Seth: You're reading it backwards.

 * Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Ma. It's Ryan's first Seder.
 * Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Chang's?

 * Ryan: [to Marissa] Yeah, but what about your Dad? Kaitlin? Summer? What about me? What am I supposed to do without you? I mean, I'd get over you eventually, but it'd take a while.

The Proposal [1.24]

 * Summer: How can you live like this? Your t-shirts are touching your sweaters.

 * Summer: You don't like hardware stores and you cry during chick flicks. Next thing you're gonna tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing.
 * Seth: Hey... that's crazy. Let's go to the hardware store.

 * Summer: You were in the comic book club?
 * Seth: Yeah. I was the president and only member.

 * Summer: Was I really mean to you?
 * Seth: No, that would have required you to speak to me. Or anyone to speak to me.

 * Seth: I did it, look.
 * Summer: Wow! You hit a nail. Fabulous you're bitch, Cohen.

 * Summer: You have to find the stud.
 * Seth: You mean like you did, Summer?
 * Summer: Just get me the stud-finder?
 * Seth: Oh, Summer. I think you are the stud-finder.
 * Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
 * Seth: Yeah, I'm gonna find that stud-finder. What does it look like?
 * Summer: And the level.
 * Seth: What is a level?
 * Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
 * Seth: Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.
 * Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

 * Caleb: You know what they say, one man's misfortune is another man's fortune.
 * Jimmy: Who says that?
 * Caleb: [smiling] I do.
 * Jimmy: I've never seen him smile before.
 * Sandy: I didn't know he had teeth.

The Shower [1.25]

 * Julie: My wedding planner is a passive-aggressive nitwit who has the audacity to question my taste in music. Bob Seger is not "so over."

 * Summer: Mostly we talk about me.
 * Seth: You?
 * Summer: Yeah, you know. It's like our common interest.

 * Seth: What would you say, in your professional surgical opinion, Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?

 * Caleb: Believe it or not, I've got a past too. Not involving monster trucks per se.

 * Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
 * Sandy: Oh, honey, don't tease.

The Strip [1.26]

 * Seth: Do I force a confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny and passive-aggressive until she realizes what a catch I am?

 * Marissa: I wanna kill him [Caleb]...of course, then I'd have to go to jail but it'll be better than moving in with him and my mom.

 * Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
 * Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.

 * Julie: I don't want . I want strippers, full-on, full-frontal male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless s.
 * Kirsten: Or, I could invite the girls over and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.
 * Julie: With strippers.
 * [...]
 * Julie: [pleads] Just one little stripper... who never hurt anyone... Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
 * Kirsten: One little stripper.
 * Julie: Yes! You're the best! [Kirsten walks away] But no Chippendales. And not little!

 * Seth: What are we we do, man? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it.

 * Summer: Get away from him, whore!
 * Seth: Hey hey hey! She's not a whore. She goes to UNLV.
 * Summer: Oh, I'm sorry. Skank!
 * [More girls enter Seth and Ryan's room]
 * Summer: Somebody ordered more skanks?!

 * Hayley: [to Julie] You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore.

 * Sandy: [after seeing Jimmy punch Caleb] Jimmy, what are you doing? You beat me to the punch.

The Ties That Bind [1.27]

 * Kirsten: Is everything okay?
 * Ryan: Yeah, it's fine.
 * Theresa: I'm pregnant.
 * Seth: Well, except for that.

 * Sandy: Are you going somewhere?
 * Caleb: Like, say, San Quentin?

 * Marissa: Feels like we're constantly being punished for something. And mom just keeps on ticking.
 * Jimmy: Hey. Your mom has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That is punishment enough.

 * Kirsten: I have my secret recipe: takeout.

 * Marissa: I think we should spend this whole summer just being normal.
 * Ryan: We're not gonna hold Seth to that, are we?
 * Marissa: No. That would be impossible.

 * Julie: Oh, classy choice, Jimmy, although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, I think in psychology that's called transference.
 * Jimmy: Oh, and you marrying Caleb, I think in psychology that's called shameless gold-digging.

The Distance [2.1]

 * Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
 * Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

 * Summer: I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

 * Sandy: I gotta be at the OC airport in half an hour. I'm heading up to Portland.
 * Caleb: To see Seth.
 * Sandy: Yeah.
 * Caleb: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad. You gotta admit, sounds kinda strange.
 * Sandy: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake moustache.

 * Luke: Seth got in a little fight with his mom.
 * Seth: Thank you.  That was both honest and emasculating.

 * Summer: Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life, is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. [Kirsten looks confused] I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

 * Theresa: The only reason you stayed was because of this baby. And now there isn't a baby.
 * Ryan: You don't want me to come home.
 * Theresa: You don't want to come home.

 * Seth: [as Kirsten hugs him and Ryan] A two-for-one special on brooding young men.

The Way We Were [2.2]

 * Ryan: I'm gonna brood. Silently. Over here.

 * Seth: You're gonna walk up to her [Marissa] in front of the entire student body and and be all "hey" and just hope she "heys" you back?
 * Ryan: [pause] Yeah, we're not going to school.

 * Seth: [passing out flyers] Hey, guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We're gonna to be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Today's topic: capes. Fey, or kinda cool?

 * Seth: Ryan, would you please take the minutes?
 * Ryan: Uh, Seth, it's just us.
 * Seth: Yeah, uh-huh. Write that down.

 * Seth: So, today's topics, we have some topics... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except his pants. Why is that?

 * Marissa: Come on, I can't wait for you to see the rest of the house. And the look on my mom's face when she sees you in it.

 * Sandy: Have dinner with us instead. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

 * Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
 * Seth: I just want you.
 * Summer: No, you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
 * Seth: I want to make that up to you.
 * Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you. What you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. So you know what? You can have it.

The New Kids On The Block [2.3]

 * Seth: I'm like a monster, dude, I'm all I think about. And not in a good way.
 * Ryan: There's a good way?

 * Seth: I have a mop, Ryan!
 * Ryan: You got a mop, Bro!

 * Ryan: I promise I'll keep my hands to myself.
 * Lindsay: Well, it's your elbow I'm worried about.

 * Alex: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
 * Seth: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

 * Kirsten: You quit?
 * Sandy: Or got fired. Quit/got fired.

 * Seth: I'm back, Ryan. Cohen classic. Red, white and me.

 * Sandy: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
 * Caleb: She's my daughter. I don't need to be supervised.
 * Sandy: No, I'm supervising her. I'm afraid she might kill you.

The New Era [2.4]

 * Ryan: Seth shops for girlfriends in the yearbook.

 * Seth: Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her. Okay?

 * Seth: Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney. The 50 Cent to Mrs. Cent.

 * Seth: My friend Ryan, he's really cool, okay? He's very anti-establishment. He enjoys sunset walks on the beach, punching people, and not smiling.
 * Alex: And that's how you see me?
 * Seth: Yeah. Only with less smiling.

 * Alex: You're out of your mind.
 * Seth: Maybe I am, Alex. Maybe I'm like, so far out of my mind that I'm in yours.

 * Julie: Truth is, being CEO is a bitch.
 * Jimmy: Hmm, you'd think you'd be a natural.

 * Seth: I've redefined rock-bottom several times tonight.

The SnO.C. [2.5]

 * Summer: You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass, see how she likes it.
 * Seth: Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?
 * Summer: Top Gun.
 * Seth: Top Gun. Hey, that's one of the greatest love stories of our time.

 * Seth: That is how lame I have become. I can't even be third-wheel to an actual relationship.

 * Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

 * Zach: I get it. You guys are just one of those couples. Even when you're not being a couple, you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
 * Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
 * Zach: Yeah, well,.

 * Julie: I was easier to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
 * Jimmy: Jules, c'mon. You're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't [2.6]

 * Julie: It's been so long since we've done this.
 * Jimmy: Well, it's like riding a bike... An incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike.

 * Sandy: I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

 * Lindsay: Every kid grows up, stops believing in Santa... I stopped believing in my dad.

 * Kirsten: I thought you two were getting along really well.
 * Julie: What makes you say that?
 * Kirsten: Last week, when you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

 * Seth: Congratulations. You're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
 * Lindsey: It's a little soon to joke.
 * Seth: Not for us Cohens. It's what we do. Laugh through our tears. Make jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event. Sometimes we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event.

 * Seth: [singing] Moses and Jesus, they both had beards...

The Family Ties [2.7]

 * Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
 * Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

 * Kirsten: She's [Lindsay] so young, she's more like your sister.
 * Seth: A sister! I always wanted one of those. Ryan? How about you?

 * Seth: Holy '80s teen comedy plot!

 * [Sandy and the boys are preparing sandwiches for dinner]
 * Seth: Nice. She kept saying the word "nice". You know what that means, don't you?
 * Sandy: Aww, she think's you're nice.
 * Seth: Yeah, exactly. Nice. As in lacking any edge and/or danger.
 * Ryan: Yeah, well, you do have to fix your sandwich.
 * Seth: [sigh] No. It's like the more edgy and danger she became, the more I became a good Jewish grandmother.
 * Sandy: Not your grandmother. [looks at the untouched corn] Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
 * Seth: Hey! Maybe, I don't feel like shucking these! Ok, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!!
 * [Sandy and Ryan both stare at Seth before breaking into laughter]
 * Ryan: [snickers] That's good.
 * Sandy: [chuckles, sarcastically] You had me shaking in my boots.
 * Seth: [in disappointment] I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old ... named Sylvia.

 * Ryan: You do realize we're both screwed.
 * Seth: Dude. I'm wearing a wife-beater.

 * Summer: Your breath smells like Marissa. You are so drunk!

 * [Ryan has driven a very drunk Seth home]
 * Seth: Ohhhh I know this here. This is the Cohen residence.
 * Ryan: [whispers] Ok ok now we have to be really stealthy.
 * Seth: Hey, I was all camp, capture the flag, Camp Tuckahoe. I invented the stealth.
 * Ryan: All right. You did.
 * Seth: I sure did.
 * Ryan: [whispers] But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
 * [...]
 * [Seth falls into the bushes after getting out of the car. Sandy comes out of the house to check out the noise.]
 * Sandy: What's going on? You guys ok? [sees Ryan] Seth?
 * Seth: Shhhhhh....we're being stealth. [attempts to "leap" over the hood of Ryan's car]

 * Ryan: Talked to Alex?
 * Seth: She won't answer my calls.
 * Ryan: Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.
 * Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?
 * Ryan: Well, you wanted to be a bad boy. You did bad.

 * Kirsten: [notices a hungover Seth walking into the kitchen] Oh! Well, if it isn't my son the wino.
 * Seth: You guys found out?
 * Kirsten: You weren't exactly stealth. [Seth mutters to himself] Your dad's been waiting for you to leave the room so he can send you back to it.

 * Summer: Hooking up with your tutor, Zach? Not even that cool in the 80's. I mean, she could've at least been a hooker and helped you get into Princeton.

 * Marissa: I brought bagels.
 * Sandy: Well, that's the secret password into the Cohen house.

The Power Of Love [2.8]

 * Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
 * Ryan: I'm alone.

 * Sandy: Seth Ezekiel! Kitchen, now! And bring Mr. History of Agriculture with you.

 * Sandy: We cannot fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

 * Kirsten: While you're seeing him, maybe we should take a step back.
 * Lindsay: A step back? So does that mean we're, like, cousins now?

 * Summer: I cannot believe what Chirac said to the Farmers' Union. You go, Jacques!

 * Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
 * Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for.

 * Alex: Your husband rocks, by the way.
 * Kirsten: Please don't tell him that.

The Ex-Factor [2.9]

 * Seth: So what if Alex has en ex?
 * Ryan: Most people do.
 * Seth: That's right. It's probably some meathead thug with her name tattooed on his bicep.

 * Lindsay: You said it, everyone has an ex...and you seem to hang out with yours a lot.
 * Ryan: I do?
 * Lindsay: Uh-hmm. You do. Like constantly.
 * Ryan: Well...maybe you two should become friends. We can all hang out and it wouldn't be weird.
 * Lindsay: [scoffs, deadpan] Yeah. Me and the , yeah that wouldn't be weird at all.

 * Sandy: Ahhh...a massage? You must really need something.
 * Kirsten: Favor. Tiny.
 * Sandy: Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm much more inclined to say yes.

 * Kirsten: [to Julie] Oh my. There's so much you here.

 * Sandy: [sees the Newport Living cover with Julie's portrait] Honey, I don't want to alarm you but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
 * [Later, Caleb comes to see Sandy]
 * Caleb: Is Kirsten here? I was hoping to have a chat with you both. It's about this ungodly magazine of Julie's. You heard about it?
 * Sandy: Heard about it? I've got an eighty-foot mock-up in my kitchen. It's gonna haunt me in my sleep!

 * Seth: Ok, it is 0700 hours. Let the record show that guys' night out has officially begun.
 * Zach: Uh, Seth, 0700 means it's 7 am.
 * [award silence]
 * Seth: Ok, nobody cares that you were at JROTC. Now listen to me. Tonight, Newport is our bitch, okay? So let's go out there and let's do what guys do. [Ryan joins them] Ryan, what do guys do?

 * Zach: Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how they begin.

 * Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend went out with a girl. There's only one thing to do to make it okay.
 * Zach: You're gonna hook up with a guy?

 * Julie: Why wouldn't American be fascinated with the lives and loves of Orange County's rich and fabulous? We're all beautiful and we're all dysfunctional. Surf, sex and scandal, it's a recipe for a cultural phenomenon, don't you think?

 * Seth: I should apologize. It's just my pride.
 * Ryan: What pride?
 * Seth: Yeah I guess there's nothing standing in my way.

The Accomplice [2.10]

 * Zach: You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school.. or... comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

 * Alex: Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.

 * Ryan: She's been asking questions about you: who you are, what you're like. And even though I told her, she still wants to get to know you.

 * Kirsten: You're going to prison?
 * Sandy: Oh, just for the day.

 * Seth: Turns out I don't make a very convincing Superhero.

The Second Chance [2.11]

 * Seth: Summer and I are getting involved [in the comic book], professionally, Ryan. Now you know how these things go. Late nights at the office...
 * Ryan: You don't have an office.
 * Seth: Sure, but with the added stress of work and deadlines, you know, things can get...uh, sexy.
 * Ryan: You're writing a comic book. Not sexy.

 * Seth: We'll await the next great romance to wreck havoc on my heart and mind.
 * Ryan: [deadpan] I can hardly wait.

 * Kirsten: [about her father Caleb] The one man impervious to miracles.

 * Summer: [sees Seth's jaw drop over her sexy outfit] Don't give me the junk in the trunk either.
 * Seth: Just the gifts God gave you.

 * Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.
 * Rebecca: "Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?
 * Sandy: Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

 * Ryan: All right, look. was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be.
 * Lindsay: Ryan, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader fought each other with s until one of them died.

 * Kirsten: Look, nobody has been crushed by our dad more than me.
 * Lindsay: Hey, now there's a club I want to join.

 * Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

 * Summer: Shouldn't you be at the hospital?
 * Marissa: Uh, whatever. It's just Caleb. Ryan said he'll be fine. Besides he's like a... a, you know. He'll outlive us all.

 * Lindsay: If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even think I liked you until I thought I lost you.

The Lonely Hearts Club [2.12]

 * Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

 * [Kirsten puts roses in the trash compactor.]
 * Seth: Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.

 * Julie: When I was in Europe, I did some real soul-searching.
 * Marissa: I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

 * Julie: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

 * Sandy: There are days that I think Kirsten and me are bulletproof. I don't wanna test that theory.

The Test [2.13]

 * Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
 * Sandy: Well, I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

 * Sandy: The FBI was here.
 * Kirsten: Well, it wouldn't be the Cohen house if there wasn't a visit from someone in law enforcement.

 * Summer: Party at Caleb's. That sounds awesome. Maybe a little shuffleboard, a little bingo?

 * Seth: I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open-ended, unrequited love.

 * Ryan: [about Hellboy] He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.
 * Sandy: Well, that's my kinda hero.

The Rainy Day Women [2.14]

 * Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
 * Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

 * Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like punk in my day.
 * Marissa: Mom!
 * Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

 * Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
 * Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
 * Seth: Oh, zing!

 * Seth: Eureka, Ryan — I can't believe I just said "Eureka" — that's it!

 * Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar. No snacks.

 * Seth: oh my god
 * Marissa: oh my god
 * Alex: oh my god

The Mallpisode [2.15]

 * Ryan: This thing with Lindsay is... different.
 * Seth: Different how?
 * Ryan: Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.
 * Seth: Got it.

 * Ryan: I just had a lot of people in my life who just left. Thought those days were gone, but guess they aren't.

 * Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly American.
 * Kirsten: I've heard of that. It's an independent travel magazine. It's won a bunch of awards.
 * Julie: Fine, but our magazine is about beautiful Americans.

 * [Ryan and Seth crawl through the duct system.]
 * Seth: Hey, Ryan, what did I tell you? Isn't this great? It's like Goonies meets Die Hard by way of Mission Impossible. With, I think, a... slight hint of National Treasure thrown in.

 * Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
 * Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something, I drank cranberry juice for a week.

 * Alex: Marissa's not... happy.
 * Julie: Marissa and happy parted ways about her 16th birthday but have you met her new friends sullen and vindictive?
 * Alex: No, the only ones she’s brought over to the house are scared and overwhelmed."

 * Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functional couple?
 * Summer: Oh, my God, we cannot be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. We're monsters.
 * Seth: I like monsters.

The Blaze Of Glory [2.16]

 * Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.
 * Seth: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

 * Marissa: So what's your plan? Who's your social chair savior?
 * Seth: Ryan.
 * Marissa: Mr. Water polo? I don't think so.
 * Seth: Yeah, but think about this. That guy worked in, no no no, he toiled in an actual construction job. Also, he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.

 * [Phone rings]
 * Marissa: Hello mother. No, I'm not coming home, okay? Bye.
 * Julie: Please, do not... [Marissa hangs up] She's such a little me.

 * Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
 * Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
 * Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

 * Carter: Oh, it's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.
 * Kirsten: You're divorced.
 * Carter: No wonder this party sucks.

 * Seth: Did I say "slept in a tent"? What I mean to say is that they repented for Lent.

 * Julie: I am so screwed.
 * Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

The Brothers Grim [2.17]

 * Seth: Family time's always best when it's forced.

 * Ryan: That was Trey.
 * Kirsten: Your brother?
 * Ryan: Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
 * Seth: [looks at Sandy] Well, there's that family trip you wanted.

 * Seth: As your brother, your other brother who is less related to you, I officially have your back.
 * Ryan: [deadpan] Thanks man.

 * Seth: [to Sandy and Ryan] I think I should head down to prison with you guys and take the day off school. We all know I've have some....behavioral issues this year and I think prison might be...just the thing to scare me straight.
 * [Sandy smirks while Ryan stares at Seth]
 * Kirsten: Nice try. [throws Seth an apple, which he catches] Get to school.

 * Summer: Zach???? Oh, my god, I'm having a panic spiral.
 * Marissa: Wait, that's Zach on the ?
 * Summer: I didn't think he'd come back. He was in Italy for so long I assumed he bought a villa and opened an espresso bar.

 * Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki... A naked mistake.
 * Kirsten: Excuse me?
 * Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on rum, and I needed the money.

 * Seth: You seem different. You seem like...um––
 * Zach: Like I'm vibrating in a very high frequency.

 * Seth: You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version, I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten a little softer––
 * Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.
 * Seth: Yeah, it's kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.

 * Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now.

The Risky Business [2.18]

 * Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
 * Seth: Ah yeah, the old scallion and chiv omelet. I've seen Lock Up. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.
 * Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
 * Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Seagal, man.
 * Seth: Yeah, a divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.

 * Sandy: So... a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yard sale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

 * Sandy: Joan, tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.

 * Summer: You guys bringing back the comic book?
 * Seth and Zach: No! No. Goodness gracious no!
 * Seth: It's a graphic novel. It's totally different.

 * Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? $75. I guess it's very "esque"... more "esque" than Erté.

The Rager [2.19]

 * Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins'... I wish I'd never made that reference.

 * Seth: Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix, okay? It's gonna be, like, "Let's make their outfits cuter..."

 * Lance: Jules — how the hell did you find me?
 * Julie: Well, it was easy, Lance. I just looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store, and voilà.

 * Summer: Cohen learned how to grill this summer. It's a major life achievement.
 * Seth: That's right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies, I found something in Marissa's fridge, I just— I grilled it.

 * Summer: Cohen, just shut up. 'Cause even when you're not lying, you're lying.

The O.C. Confidential [2.20]

 * Ryan: I think when the cops showed up and went to put the cuffs on Marissa he [Trey] did what he had to do to stop them.
 * Seth: What makes you say that?
 * Ryan: I was about to do the same thing.
 * Seth: Yeah, sure. The compulsive need to rescue Marissa Cooper must be in the Atwood DNA.
 * Ryan: That would explain a lot.

 * Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
 * Ryan: Whatever it takes.
 * Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

 * Seth: I need you help. I have a little quagmire to... un-quag.

 * Kirsten: For your punishment, I control the radio on the way home.
 * Carter: No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.

 * Lance: No pre-nup?
 * Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

 * Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
 * Carter: According to my notes [checks notes], I stopped taking notes.
 * Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
 * Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job really well, because I'm hammered.

The Return Of The Nana [2.21]

 * Seth: I don't believe it, Ryan. Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten.
 * Ryan: You okay with that?
 * Seth: Yeah. I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.
 * Ryan: Yeah, it's a lot scary.
 * Seth: Tell me I'm still special.

 * Sophie ("The Nana"): [on the phone] Sethelah.
 * Seth: Nanelah.

 * Sandy: I love my mother. Who else would?
 * Kirsten: That's terrible!
 * Sandy: You wouldn't say the same thing about your dad.

 * Summer: Just go. Sow your oats. Get all of your Coheny-Cohenish-Cohenisms out of your system.

 * Seth: [after Mary Sue beat him at ] I can't believe she beat me.
 * Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?
 * Seth: Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.

 * Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?
 * Mary Sue: Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.
 * Seth: It isn't?
 * Mary Sue: No.
 * Ryan: She's got whipped cream, Seth.
 * Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she's... baking a cake.
 * Mary Sue: See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.
 * Seth: Did she say "cherry"?
 * Mary Sue: If we win, it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.
 * Seth: Yeah. It's for Grandma.

 * Bobby: She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. What a pistol.
 * Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

 * Sandy: Look at you, Ma. With a cell phone.
 * The Nana: I'm very hip.
 * Sandy: I guess so.
 * The Nana: I just can't read the buttons.

The Showdown [2.22]

 * Sandy: Do you think I look at all like Tony Blair?
 * Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
 * Sandy: Thank you. Good hair. Leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

 * Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
 * Zach: Wake up, I'm a water-polo player, we're never nice guys.

 * Summer: You know, I really thought things were gonna be different this time. But you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

 * Julie: Oh, my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
 * Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

 * Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.
 * Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

 * Caleb: You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former husband. The tryst last year with that high-schooler... Luke.
 * Julie: Oh, my God.
 * Caleb: I mean, your daughter's boyfriend. What will people think?
 * Julie: Ex-boyfriend.

The O.Sea [2.23]

 * Sandy: Look, we want to go away for the weekend, and if we can't trust you by yourselves, you're gonna have to stay with your grandfather. Which means you'll be spending the weekend with Julie Cooper.
 * Seth & Ryan: [look at each other] You can trust us.
 * Sandy: Good, now go do your homework.
 * [Seth and Ryan sheepishly leave]
 * Sandy: [out of the boys' earshot] Nothing like a little Julie Cooper to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere.
 * Kirsten: [smirks] Very impressive!

 * Ryan: What time is it?
 * Seth: It's 5:30... ish.
 * Ryan: You're showing up earlier and earlier.
 * Seth: Yeah, well, we have a lot of ground to cover. So I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

 * Marissa: So everyone's saying you're going to be voted prom queen. Isn't that, like, your fifth-grade dream coming true?
 * Summer: No. My dream involved an actual date. A hot guy in a tux, with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead I'm drawing straws between Nerd Boy and Ass Clown.

 * Seth: I think one day, pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.

 * Caleb: You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.
 * Julie: Ooh. Past tense. That stings.
 * Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error.

 * Crowd Member: Seth Cohen's a tool!
 * Seth: Okay. I know I'm not who you all imagined as prom king, seeing as how I'm not who any of you actually voted for. But she's the queen, and I love her. So I guess that makes me the king.
 * Summer: Cohen?
 * Seth: No, I'm just the guy standing next to you. You're the queen, all right? I'm the jester, perhaps, if that works. So let me ask you this, Your Highness: what can I do to make it up to you?
 * Summer: Well, you can start by dancing with me.
 * Crowd Member: But he's a tool!

 * Sandy: [to Kirsten] I'm an expert of fighting with your father. And believe me, every time you think you've driven him away, he comes roaring back asking for more - you couldn't beat him off with a stick.

The Dearly Beloved [2.24]

 * Marissa: Sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to be a bitch.
 * Julie: Well, apples and trees. You are my daughter.

 * Sandy: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was, however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievements were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather... a truly terrible father-in-law. So he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. So rest in peace, Cal. And, if you can't do that... I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

 * Trey: Jess turned out a little crazier than I expected.
 * Ryan: Really? That's a surprise, considering you met her face down in a pool.

 * Sandy: There's a doctor coming here this afternoon. He's gonna help us stage an intervention.
 * Seth: What? Is this, like, an After-school Special?

 * Jimmy: What if I stay? What if we give it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.
 * Julie: Well, I'm definitely wiser.

The Aftermath [3.1]

 * Summer: Before Trey, I never actually knew anyone in a coma. Well, I mean on The Valley there's someone in a coma like every week — but I think that's just so when they wake up, another actor can play the part.

 * Summer: You gotta admit, Coop, whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour — God, that is so freakin hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai, western kind of way.

 * Seth: [talking to Ryan about Trey, who is in a coma] I kind of like him this way, he's a better listener. Sorry, I get talkative around coma patients. It's a compensation thing.

 * Summer: Should we bring him a snack? What does Ryan eat?
 * Seth: Dry cereal from a box and black coffee.

 * Summer: Oh, I love helping sick people. It's just they kept making me sick. So I've been reassigned to gun-shot victims, 'cause you can't catch one of those.

The Shape of Things to Come [3.2]

 * Summer: There's nothing I hate more then perky blondes who want to take over the world.

 * Summer: She's Taylor Townsend. She's, like, the Carl Rove of our school.
 * Seth: So you can take Carl Ro- you know who Carl Rove is?
 * Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.

 * Seth: I know you don't consider yourself as active.
 * Summer: No, two hobbies: shopping and sunbathing.

 * Summer: Captain Oats is a really good listener. Princess Sparkle, she just kinda stands there and looks cute.

The End of Innocence [3.3]

 * Summer: I will join the synchronized swim team, do rhythmic gymnastics, shot-put, collect stamps, march for women's rights, free animals from laboratories. You know, I will even read comic books with Cohen and his wack pack of social maladjusts.  But, drama club: no.

 * Seth: Okay, how about this: you and Marissa run away together.
 * Ryan: Uh, last time I tried to run away-
 * Seth: We were ambushed by the cops. Got it. So I guess your not up for the model home idea, either.
 * Ryan: Uh, I thought we might be able start off with something that wouldn't involve me getting arrested.
 * Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolescent schemes go hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?
 * Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.

 * Kirsten: So your Grandpa's broke.
 * Seth: Ryan and Marissa don't go to school any more.
 * Ryan: Jimmy Cooper just sailed out of town again.
 * Seth: I got two months of detention.
 * Sandy: That's the great thing about this place. Nothing ever happens.

The Last Waltz [3.4]

 * Summer: (Leaving a message on Seth's answering machine) Cohizzle, you said you'd only be gone 10 minutes.

The Perfect Storm [3.5]

 * [Ryan and Seth come into the kitchen for breakfast.]
 * Ryan: [opens the cupboard] Where's all the cereal?
 * Kirsten: Oh, I guess we're out.
 * Seth: [looks in the fridge] There's no bagels either.
 * Kirsten: I thought we'd try something new.
 * Seth: Mom, listen to me. I understand that this whole "Cooking with Kirsten" thing is helping you keep focused. But you cannot preempt a man's regularly scheduled breakfast. It is a sacred routine.
 * Kirsten: [glares at Seth] Sit.

 * Kirsten: You know, you're gonna be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
 * Seth: Yeah, horny coeds and alcohol poisoning.

 * [At Ryan's farewell dinner.]
 * Sandy: Honey, this homemade is delicious. You keep this up and we'll save a bundle on takeout.
 * Kirsten: Oh thank you. I hope everybody likes it, I used tofu instead of shrimp.
 * Marissa: Its fine by me, i think I've kinda gone off of seafood for a while.
 * Sandy: I for one I love the tofu, tofuna,, tobagel with cream tocheese. (Looks around) Too much.
 * Seth: It was a valiant effort.

 * Sandy: Well, you've beaten the Sandy Cohen mind-melt. I was hoping if we gave you the space you needed, you'd realize that this is not the answer to your problem.
 * Ryan: Yeah? Maybe my problem doesn't have an answer.
 * Kirsten: Sure it does, Ryan. You keep out of trouble until you graduate, at the very least you'll end up at a good community college.
 * Sandy: Yeah, you'll post of couple of semesters of good work then you could transfer to a four-year school.
 * Ryan: Yeah, if you come from my family, it's not so easy.
 * Sandy: We're your family now.
 * Ryan: I may not be an Atwood anymore but I'm not a Cohen either. I don't know what I am.
 * Kirsten: So you're gonna figure it out lost at sea.
 * Ryan: Lost at sea, lost on my own, what's the difference, right?

 * Summer: Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?
 * Seth: You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.
 * Summer: Huh. You'd know.

 * Summer: [to Taylor] Welcome to the terror dome, Townsend. You're busted.

The Swells [3.6]

 * Seth: Oh God, incoming.
 * Taylor: Hey, guys, have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is going to spend the night in the gym.
 * Summer: Oh, we can't make it.
 * Seth: Yeah, I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.

 * Chilly: I don't get it, why don't you like me?
 * Summer: I'm already dating a dork.

The Anger Management [3.7]

 * Ryan: There's this guy, and he's gotten it in his head that he's gonna fight me.
 * Sandy: Does this have anything to do with the fact that my car is now the "Lil Bitch"?
 * Ryan: Maybe. I was gonna fix that.

 * Chilli: I don't think this is going to work.
 * Marissa: Sure it will.
 * Chilli: Dude, you don't know Volchok. Last year some guy snaked his wave, so he went up on the pier and dropped a kitchen sink on him... Where do you even get a kitchen sink?

The Game Plan [3.8]

 * Seth: Ok, picture me in college...uh...big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond?
 * Ryan: [deadpan] I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.
 * Seth: Me either.

 * Summer: [when the college counselor asks her what she wants] I want 365 sundaes, I don't mean the day after Saturday.

 * Taylor: Summer, feel my forehead.
 * Summer: What? Why?
 * Taylor: I have college fever. Don't you?
 * Summer: Maybe. What are the symptoms? You become incredibly annoying?

 * Taylor: [to Summer] Intimacy, it's a tricky business.

 * Ryan: So it's safe to say you're not going to Berkeley. Have you told your dad yet?
 * Seth: Sandy Cohen is a perceptive guy. I'm sure he'll figure it out.
 * Ryan: Seth, you've got to tell him.
 * Seth: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley... Where'd you get a gun?... Why do you have this gun?" Mmm, that doesn't have a good ring to it.

 * Julie: Truth is, I moved out of a place like this when I was eighteen. I never thought I'd be back.
 * Guss: Yeah, well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be the for the Chargers. Sometimes life don't work out.

 * Guss: Hey Julie...
 * Julie: I got a gun, Guss.
 * Guss: That's cool.

The Disconnect [3.9]

 * Summer: Hey, guys, can't talk. I have to go see Dr. Kim.
 * Seth: You in trouble?
 * Summer: Uh, no. I have to change my college file. I got my SAT score.
 * Seth: Summer, we got our SAT scores back months ago.
 * Summer: Well, I took mine late. There was a Valley marathon the first time around.
 * Ryan: Oh. How'd you do?
 * Seth: Ryan, come on. You never ask a lady her age, weight or SAT score.
 * Summer: I got a 2300.
 * [Ryan and Seth stare at her, dumbfounded.]
 * Summer: What? That bad?

 * Matt: [to Sandy, after watching him flirt with Kirsten] You two are so perfect together it's almost painful to be around.

 * Seth: Did you just wack me with your ?
 * Summer: Did you just jab me with your ??!
 * Seth: It was a tap, you little wacker.
 * Summer: It was a jab, you little jabber.

 * Ryan: What's with all the questions?
 * Seth: Nothing, I'm just trying to exhaust your issues so we can get to mine.

 * Ryan: [to Seth] The point is, Summer doesn't want to be you, she wants to be with you.

The Christmukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah [3.10]

 * [Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa are at the nursery choosing Christmas trees]
 * Summer: Look at the branch species. It's like Swiss cheese! Can it withstand heavier ornaments?
 * Marissa: [watching Summer choosing trees] So that's a pastime.
 * Ryan: [deadpan] Why not? We've been here three hours.
 * Seth: Hey, get in the spirit man. It's Christmukkah. I love Christmukkah.
 * Marissa: [smirks] So we've heard.
 * Seth: Seriously, the best thing I've ever done. The Jewish boy wants Christmas. I gave myself that.

 * Sandy: You mark my words, this will be the best Christmukkah ever. [kisses Kirsten]
 * Kirsten: You're beginning to sound like Seth.
 * Sandy: Well, it just means you'll listen less when he's gone.

 * [Seth, Summer, Ryan, and Marissa are in the diner, discussing how they're going to help Johnny.]
 * Seth: If any of you were remotely Jewish, I would just say we could pool our bar mitzvah money, but... Holy crap, that's it.
 * Summer: What's it?
 * Ryan: No, no, no, no, no.
 * Seth: Yes.
 * Ryan: No way, dude.
 * Seth: Yes way, dude.
 * Ryan: I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not having it.
 * Summer: Having what?
 * Seth: A bar mitzvah.
 * Summer: Ryan gets a bar mitzvah. Now that is funny.
 * Ryan: Yeah. Summer's laughing.
 * Seth: No, that's just gas.
 * [Summer slaps Seth.]
 * Seth: Now, listen to me. This wouldn't be an ordinary bar mitzvah.  You know what this would be? Wait for it... A Chrismukkah bar mitzvahkkah. Spell that, dude.
 * Ryan: That's crazy.
 * Seth: Yeah, so crazy it just might work.

 * Ryan: So, how's this going to work? I'm just going stand in front of Newport and sing Hebrew?
 * Seth: You chant. And hell, yes.

 * Sandy: The whole thing about a is it's about becoming a man, not that you aren't one already. But if there were ever a time for an adult moment, this is it. Whatever's going on, set it aside until after tonight.
 * Ryan: Will it be wallowing my pride?
 * Sandy: I'm not saying it tastes good.

 * Seth: Jews don't believe in saints, just really good stand-up comics.

 * Ryan: What is this thing you have?
 * Marissa: What thing?
 * Ryan: Always helping these kinds of guys.
 * Marissa: What, the wounded loner types? [Ryan looks down smiling] Sometimes they turn out to be good guys.

 * Sandy: Ryan doesn't wear glasses.
 * Seth: He does when he's reading from right to left.

The Safe Harbor [3.11]

 * Summer: If we're gonna launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor, we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone whom you'll follow, you know, into battle.
 * Seth: Meet General Townsend.
 * Summer: Affirmative.

 * Sandy: A good cause, poor odds, a chance to ruffle some Newpsie feathers? How could I say no.

 * Kirsten: [grins] Ohhh, the boys have poster boards and paint!
 * Sandy: I love student activism.

 * Sandy: You don't have to reinstate but you might want to.
 * Mercer: Enlighten me, Mr. Cohen. Why would I want to do that?
 * Sandy: Because sometimes a good kid goes though a rough time. And we might think that by closing a door to her, or to him, we're teaching a lesson. And when that child needs us the most, we're not there for them. There isn't a person in this room that thinks Marissa Cooper is a threat to anyone, or that she wasn't a model student nor that she wouldn't continue to be. So what are we doing here? Instead of proving a point, let's right a wrong. It's so rare in life that anyone gets a second chance.

The Sister Act [3.12]

 * Seth: Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?
 * Kaitlin: Weird neighbor kid, hi.
 * Seth: You have uhh... You've grown...
 * Kaitlin: Boobs?

 * Summer: Ready to go? It's the third day of the Pride and Prejudice miniseries in English class.
 * Seth: Summer, the show you are about to see has all the makings of a classic Jane Austen novel. It's got sisters, lies and bosoms.

 * Seth: Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.
 * Marissa: Her birthday's not for like eight months.
 * Seth: What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.

The Pot Stirrer [3.13]

 * Kaitlin: Can you imagine growing up with Marissa Cooper as your older sister?

The Cliffhanger [3.14]

 * Ryan: What do you want from me?
 * Marissa: I want you.

The Heavy Lifting [3.15]

 * Seth: Summer found my stash.
 * Ryan: You don't have any visible bruises. She… did she go for the kidneys?

 * Seth: Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.
 * Ryan: And you know this because?
 * Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.

The Road Warrior [3.16]

 * Marissa: Oh, my God. You're listening to your own voice.
 * Summer: You see, on all the TV shows I watch, all these women have voice-overs. They even gave one to April on The Valley. Now, where most of these voice-overs, they don't make much sense, they do make your life seem more dramatic and meaningful.
 * Marissa: So you think our lives need to be more dramatic?
 * Summer: No. Not yours.

The Journey [3.17]

 * Ryan: I guess you don't remember me saying 'small'.
 * Seth: I did, I chose to ignore it.

The Undertow [3.18]

 * Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
 * Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents

grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
 * Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.

The Secrets and Lies [3.19]

 * Summer: What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.
 * Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
 * Summer:Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.

The Day After Tomorrow [3.20]

 * Sandy: A Cohen in the Ivy League. You did the work but I think our genes deserve some of the credit.

 * Ryan: Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
 * Seth: Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?

 * Sadie: [to Ryan] You'll have this other world and I'll constantly be pulling you away from it. You won't get to experience college the way you should. I'm not gonna do that to you.

The Dawn Patrol [3.21]

 * Kirsten: [to Ryan, about Sandy] He's just worried about The Nana.
 * Sandy: She is an excellent clapper
 * Seth: She can do the two finger whistle
 * Kirsten: And she's never taken a picture out of focus.
 * Sandy: The woman was born for graduations.

 * Seth: The less I say, the fewer lies I have to track.

 * Taylor: In the of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.

The College Try [3.22]

 * Kirsten: What about you? You ok?
 * Ryan: Ah, I'm a little nervous, actually.
 * Kirsten: Ryan, Berkeley's gonna be a breeze. I mean, you conquered Newport and this town isn't exactly known for its hospitality
 * Ryan: Yeah, but I had you and I had Seth and Sandy...
 * Kirsten: Hey, you did this. You've earned your future. Enjoy it.

 * Julie: Marissa, honey, you know, it's not too late for me to go with you. I promise I wouldn't embarrass you. I could pretend to a part of your entourage or you Scientology guide.

 * Julie: [to Marissa] The Cooper women do have nine lives. I'm just glad you're on to your next one.

 * Wes: I saw on your profile you're from Newport. Did you go to Harbor?
 * Ryan: Uh, yeah.
 * Wes: Yeah, a few guys from my poli sci club went there. Play water polo?
 * Ryan: Uh, no...you know what? Actually I'm not really from Newport. I mean, I am but up until the last two years I was living in Chino.
 * [Wes looks at Ryan curiously]
 * Ryan: Guess I figured I needed to get that out of the way.
 * Wes: I think you'll be ok.
 * Ryan: What do you mean?
 * Wes: I got one roommate from Bangladesh, another one's from, population 300. So, there's no mold here. It's pretty easy to fit in.
 * Ryan: Ok, guess I'm not really used to that.

 * The tour guide: Kumar? Your name is Kumar?
 * Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, I'm half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.

The Man of the Year [3.24]

 * Seth: What are you doing?
 * Summer: Nothing. Looking for stamps.
 * Seth: You're mailing a letter?
 * Summer: Not without stamps. Let's go make out upstairs!

 * Seth: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean. I feel like you.
 * Ryan: Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?
 * Seth: Yeah, I don't think so.

 * Summer: Cohen, there's something I need to tell you.
 * Seth: That you're using me to get to my father?

The Graduates [3.25]

 * Ryan: You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.
 * Marissa: You know, it's funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.

 * [Ryan gets out of his car after Marissa has directed them to a model home.]
 * Ryan: Okay... This looks familiar.
 * Marissa: Yeah, well, it shouldn't. They rebuilt it completely after you burned it down.

 * Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
 * Marissa: I definitely never would've talked to Seth.
 * Summer: Ah, hell no. Me either.
 * Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
 * Seth: Me? She'd [points to Marissa] still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.

 * Seth: Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that, I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray.

 * Seth: I’m gonna go the car and get my iPod, listen to sad, depressing music for a change.

 * Summer: Is everything OK at home?
 * Seth: Sandy Cohen and I got a little man-boy lovin’ going on.

 * Ryan: Hey! Let's go graduate!

 * Taylor: But if I can leave you all with one final word of advice: Illegitimis nil carborundum. Don’t let the bastards get you down!

 * Dr. Kim: And it has been my pleasure to teach you, to watch you grow, and now enter the world. Good luck. It is my honor to present to you the Harbor School class of 2006!

 * Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I’ve been waiting 3 years for a car! I’m supposed to be the spoiled one.

 * Volchok: (to Ryan) If I go down, you're going down with me.

 * Marissa: Ryan, I brought Volchok on us, it’s only fair I help get rid of him. Come on, we’re in this together, ok? (takes Ryan’s hand) One last time.
 * Ryan: One last time.

 * Sandy: We both screwed up.
 * Seth: We're both usually so awesome.

 * Sandy: Excuse me, forgive me, but I’m a very proud father, and I, I want to say a few words. I think I can speak for Kirsten and the other parents here tonight, when I tell you kids how thrilled we are to share this wonderful touchstone with you (applause). I know the last few years have been a little rough for us (everyone groans and laughs). There’s been tragedy, and comedy, and first loves, and broken hearts. Family members were lost, and found. It hasn’t all been perfect, but we’re all family here. So cheers.

 * Julie: Marissa, I just want you to know that, everything I ever did, good, bad, or otherwise, I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn’t perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke and trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide…
 * Marissa: Mom, I love you. Ok, just know that. (both crying)
 * Julie: Oh sweetheart, that’s all I wanted. I love you too.
 * Marissa: Besides, you know the strength it takes to start over, to go out on my own? That has to come from being Julie Cooper’s daughter.
 * Julie: I am spirited, aren’t I?

 * Kirsten: Then it’s back to the Newport Group, business as usual?
 * Sandy: Well, how ‘bout not? I went back to my old office, the place looked worse than ever. The guy in there was beaten down, exhausted… oh, it was a thing of beauty.

 * Julie: Oh, my God. Cooper family hug.

 * Volchok: I asked you for clothes, not opinions. You chicks and your opinions, man.

 * Marissa (to Ryan; her last words before she dies): No, stay. Don’t leave.

The Avengers [4.1]

 * Seth: [knocking on Ryan's door] Ryan!
 * Ryan: Seth, go away! I'm sleeping!
 * Seth: You're sleeping? And you're talking? Ryan, I don't even see how that's possible unless you're talking in your sleep.

 * Taylor: [on the phone with Summer] Being an expat totally suits me. Except that I miss you! You can only parlais so much français until you start to get a little nostalgic for the motherland.

 * Seth: A table set for four feels kinda weird.
 * Sandy: Well, things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn't be expecting any miracles
 * Seth: Zippy one-liners.
 * Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
 * Sandy: A few grunts, an occasional shrug.
 * Seth: It'll just like be old times.

 * Seth: You wanna tell them about your new vocation or should I?
 * Ryan: I'm not gonna tell them about it and neither are you. [Seth looks at him in disbelief] Sorry, just forget it.
 * Seth: Well, I don't know. Sandy's got a really memory. It's not gonna be so easy for him to forget the kid he adopted and my mom's still kinda fond of you...
 * Ryan: Yeah, I'm doing you guys a favor staying away.
 * Seth: You're doing us a favor?!
 * Ryan: I'm just a magnet for trouble...Trey, Volchok, you and your family...you're better off without me.
 * Seth: It's not true, it's not your fault. [Ryan looks at him] Any of it.

 * Summer: [to Seth] I don't do sarcasm anymore. I'm post-ironic.

 * Seth: Now, you may never save the planet but you did save us. So, this is our story. It's true, when you showed up, I had a superpower but it was one I didn't want: being invisible. Not as much fun as it sounds.
 * Kirsten: The Ice Queen was surrounded by an impenetrable force field. Her silver cellphone was her only link to the outside world.
 * Sandy: The Litigator strained to hold up the weight of the world, so burdened with the problems of others that he couldn't see those of his own family
 * Seth: One day, the Litigator brought his work home with him. Only this time, his work looked strangely like a young.
 * [...]
 * Sandy: [drops Ryan off] Well, here we are. That's it. Thanks for taking the time, letting us make fools of ourselves. Meant a lot to Seth, and to Kirsten. Not so much to me. I'm no softie.

The Gringos [4.2]

 * Seth: So where we going?
 * Ryan: Mexico.
 * Seth: Perfect. I need Chiclets.

The Cold Turkey [4.3]

 * Ryan: You didn't try to help. You didn't even stop.
 * Volchok: I got scared. I freaked a hell.
 * Ryan: And she died. On the side of the road.
 * Volchok: I think about that night every day. It's all I think about. I wish I could take it back.
 * Ryan: I don't wanna hear about how bad you feel. Tell me why you did it.
 * Volchok: Does it matter?
 * Ryan: It matters to me.
 * Volchok: I don't know, okay? I mean, I was coming after you. You got the girl I didn't. It was hard for me handle. I just... I wanted you to pull over. And all just... it got out of control.
 * Ryan: So what? It was all an accident? A mistake?
 * Volchok: I know that doesn't change anything. So if you wanna finish this... I'm not gonna fight back.
 * Ryan: I'm not doing any favors. You have to live with what you did. It's over.

 * Summer: We need to do something. We gotta go.
 * Seth: Go? Go where?
 * Summer: The soup kitchen, we're gonna feed the homeless.
 * Seth: Do we have to? We're already feeding Ryan and he was homeless once.

The Metamorphosis [4.4]

 * Seth: [on Summer's answering machine] So... if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I do.

 * Kaitlin: Well, don't worry. We'll find you another old dude to pay for all your stuff and cheat on you.
 * Julie: Is that what I'm teaching you?
 * Kaitlin: Pretty much.

 * Summer: Hey, uh, Che, this is my boyfriend Seth. Seth, this is Che.
 * Che: Summer, you have a twin flame? [to Seth] I wish I knew you were coming to town. I would have made you a bracelet!
 * Seth: Oh, hey. Where I come from, we just say "hey.".
 * Che: Well, to borrow your native tongue... "hey."

 * Ryan: You might wanna relax.
 * Taylor: Distract me. Tell me more about this, uh, cage fighting. It's been something I've been meaning to get into.
 * Ryan: Yeah? Ask me another favor and I'll me happy to show you.
 * Taylor: Ooh! Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce! I like it! You're gonna have to do better, though, 'cause all I can think about is him, my husband, [gets a little breathless]... his arms, his smell... making love in the barn in Burgundy...
 * Ryan: Sounds like the perfect guy. Why would you want a divorce?
 * Taylor: Well despite being agnostic in most things, I do believe in true love and this was not it... Well, back to you and your life. What is your favorite fruit?
 * Ryan: [chuckles] Peaches.
 * Taylor: He used to say my breasts were like two, soft...

 * Taylor: Ryan! There you are! I think there might be something wrong with your phone. I called three times today—
 * Ryan: Six, actually.
 * Taylor: Oh! Well, um, did you get a chance to look at that silly little document?
 * Ryan: Yeah, I did, and I have a question for you. [hands her the document in French] What does that say right there?
 * Taylor: Oh, that's just lawyer-speak. You know, party of the first part, party of the second part...
 * Ryan: So it doesn't say we had sex, like, thirty times? It took me, like, five hours to translate that.

The Sleeping Beauty [4.5]

 * Taylor: "Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;/Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes."
 * Kirsten: Taylor, that's beautiful.
 * Taylor: . Old Bill's always good for a line.

 * Sandy: Here she comes.
 * [Taylor enters, smiling and obviously preoccupied]
 * Taylor: You know, it's odd, but, I never appreciated how funny Ryan is. Huh. Life, such a journey. Well, have a nice day. [leaves]
 * Sandy: [to a stunned Kirsten and Seth] She said Ryan was funny.

 * Bullit: [watching his golf ball soar through the air] Well, look at that. Shiite Muslim.

 * Ryan: We did not hate you.
 * Taylor: Oh, you totally hated me. You were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor" Club.
 * Ryan: I was the secretary. [Taylor giggles] I took the notes.
 * Taylor: [grins] Ryan, you made a real joke!

 * Ryan: How do you keep doing that?
 * Taylor: Doing what?
 * Ryan: That. You keep telling me what I'm thinking before I feel it.
 * Taylor: Because I think about you, Ryan. I want you to be happy. And I think if you give it a chance, you might feel something, too.
 * Ryan: Taylor...
 * Taylor: [makes a face] Are you going to tell me you really like me as a friend?
 * Ryan: ...Maybe.
 * [Taylor gasps, turns and leaves.]
 * Ryan: [awestruck] How does she do that?

 * Kaitlin: You should invest in my mother's business.
 * Bullet: Or what? You gonna tell everyone what a meany ol' Bullet is and I'm gonna have to sit alone at lunch?!  Oh boo hoo hoo hoo.

The Summer Bummer [4.6]

 * Summer: Ugh. Che, just shut up, okay, before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off of the fumes from your burning flesh.
 * Che: Dark.

 * Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
 * Ryan: Oh, did I?
 * Kirsten: Well, since he's out of town and he's gonna be moving out next semester, you're gonna need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
 * Ryan: Oh. Uh, yeah, well, that's... very thoughtful.
 * Kirsten: So... how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind, or...?
 * Ryan: Uh, usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.

 * Ryan: Taylor: tonight. Are you busy?
 * Taylor: Oh. Blog, schmog.
 * Ryan: Is that a yes?
 * Taylor: Yes! It is a yes... squared, in all caps, with a exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon.
 * Ryan: A simple yes will do.
 * Taylor: Yes.

 * Ryan: I keep imagining her on roller skates and with a big bucket of soapy water.
 * Seth: Dude, that is so pedestrian. A sudsy girl? Your fantasies are so... average.
 * Ryan: Doesn't mean it's not hot.
 * Seth: I guess they call them classics for a reason.

 * Ryan: What are you doing, paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?
 * Taylor: Well, what if I did? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening? And pay him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? What difference does it make to you?

The Christmukk-huh? [4.7]

 * Taylor: [to Ryan] No, I accepted your gift: the holiday-themed rejection. So now you accept mine!

 * Taylor: Look who's funny in alt-world!

The Earth Girls Are Easy [4.8]

 * Summer: Taylor, whats wrong? You look like you've just seen a ghost.
 * Taylor: Can you keep a secret? Like, a really big secret? Like, a huge secret?
 * Summer: Yeah...
 * Taylor: I think you might be pregnant.

 * [Seth hands Summer a gift]
 * Summer: What is it? [opens gift: a T-shirt] "Jamaican Me Crazy."
 * Seth: See, it's funny because its not.
 * Summer: Uh-huh. You didn't make any plans for us tonight, did you?
 * Seth: Well, I was just thinking...
 * Summer: What? Jamaicum up as you go? You are such a baby. I am done babysitting you, do you understand me? [shoves gift back at him] Done.

 * Seth: Couples who have comas together stay together.

My Two Dads [4.9]

 * Kirsten: I appreciate you being cautious but this seems personal
 * Sandy: It is personal. Ryan is our son because Frank turned his back on his family. He has hurt Ryan before, I'm not gonna let him do it again.

 * Summer: Shalom, Cohen. Since you brought me presents yesterday, I thought I'd return the favor.
 * Seth: Oh, that is sweet!
 * Summer: [hands Seth a pamphlet] So, here's information on the four C's. Carat, clarity, color and cut.
 * Seth: Ah, diamonds. Sure, sure, if we're doing this, we'd better do it right.
 * Summer: Exactly. Which means nothing less than two carats.
 * Seth: Nah, three. You're worth it.

 * Seth: I've been thinking Yeats or maybe Shelley.
 * Summer: You're working on the guest list?
 * Seth: Those are poets, Summer, and their words will inspire my vows. Have you been working on yours?
 * Summer: Why yes, I was thinking of, uh, with a dash of . "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred per cent!"
 * Seth: [deadpan] Very moving, Summer.
 * Summer: I know!

 * Sandy: [to Kirsten] Our style of parenting has produced two pretty good kids.

 * Seth: [to Summer's pet rabbit Pancakes] We sort of had a dog once.

 * Ryan: [sees Pancakes in Seth's sling bag] Dude, you can't bring that animal in here. What are you doing?
 * Seth: How dare you talk to your nephew that way. [strokes Pancakes' nose] Don't listen to mean Uncle Ryan, Pancakes. That's just the 'roids talkin'. They do make him huge, I know.
 * Ryan: Can you get him out of here, please, before he ends up in a ?
 * Seth: [looks at Ryan in horror] We'll be on the patio. Please bring us another side of carrots.

 * Ryan: You all right? [sits next to Sandy at the kitchen island]
 * Sandy: I'm from, used to hit guys all the time. Key term: "used to". [Ryan smirks] I am sorry I lost my cool back there.
 * Ryan: Nah. He kinda asked for it.
 * Sandy: And I'm sorry things didn't work out with your dad.
 * Ryan: [sighs] He...my dad is right here. [looks at Sandy] But, you know, if you want, I can teach you a mean left hook just in case
 * Sandy: [jokingly] Just in case what? You got more relatives showin' up here or what?
 * Ryan: [grins] I have some mean uncles.
 * Sandy: I bet you do.

The French Connection [4.10]

 * Taylor: This cannot be happening. [to a bookstore worker] Excuse me, uh, what is this book?
 * Bookstore Guy: A Season for Peaches. It's the bestseller from France. English translation came in today.
 * Taylor: Okay, what's it about?
 * Bookstore Guy: Kind of, like,  meets The Notebook meets... porn.
 * Taylor: Oh, my God. Plot, please.
 * Bookstore Guy: Uh, this Frenchman seduces this young American girl and then they get married... I can't remember where.
 * Taylor: His family's chapel in Burgundy.
 * Bookstore Guy: Oh, so you read it.
 * Taylor: No, I lived it. I'm Peaches.

 * Taylor: Excuse me, the girl just has a healthy sex drive.
 * Summer: Yeah, for a hooker.

 * Ryan: Met your ex-husband last night. He was at the bookstore, doing a reading.
 * Taylor: Wait, you met Henri-Michel? How did you know it was him?
 * Ryan: Dirty hair? Scarf?  Smells like brie?
 * Taylor: That's Henri-Michel.

 * Taylor: Okay, Ryan. Even if I was that limber, you know I would never do that in the Chunnel.

 * Dr. Roberts: I've gotta go. There's a man who's been impaled by what appears to be a unicorn.
 * Seth: [whispering in amazement] Unicorns.
 * Dr. Roberts: But our conversation is going to continue. We'll talk about this on my rounds tomorrow. [leaves]
 * Seth: So does this mean I have your blessing? [door closes] They do exist.

The Dream Lover [4.11]

 * Summer: [talking about Che] He's flying here. He was feeling weird Seth vibes.
 * Taylor: All the way from Rhode Island?
 * Summer: Che transcends space and time.

 * Che: Come on, man, you can't lie to me. I can see your aura.

 * Che: Seth, you put something out into the universe and you didn't get it back. I mean, I can't imagine what a blow that must have been to your male animus. You've been emasculated.
 * Seth: My masculinity is intact.

 * Henri-Michel: Je t'aime, Peaches.
 * Taylor: Oh, no, no, Henri, you don't have to say that.
 * Henri-Michel: But I love to say that. Because it is the truth! I will say it a thousand times if you like.
 * Taylor: Wow. That's, uh... okay, yeah. Say it a thousand times.
 * Henri-Michel: I love you un, I love you deux, I love you trois...

 * Julie: Did you at least get my cookie bouquet?
 * Kirsten: I'm allergic to chocolate.
 * Julie: No you're not!
 * Kirsten: Then I'm allergic to you.

 * Seth: Hey, Che.
 * Che: Seth! Hey, you look...
 * Seth: Not good. I know. So, that thing you said about the animus?
 * Che: I was right, wasn't I? See, the flesh lies, but the aura never does.

The Groundhog Day [4.12]

 * Sandy: Are you sure you don't wanna come?
 * Kirsten: Watching a movie about a guy eating a live octopus? I think I'll pass.
 * Seth: It's also got one of the greatest fight sequences in probably the last five years.
 * Ryan: [sarcastically to Seth] Yeah, I think that'll convince her.
 * Seth: Listen, Mom, what better way to see out your thirties than a little South Korean shock cinema.

 * Sandy: Nobody plans a surprise party like Sandy Cohen. I could've been with the.
 * Ryan: Hmm.
 * Seth: [deadpan] I heard they're known for their birthday parties.

 * Ryan: I cannot believe that you tried to steal Newport Chuck.
 * Seth: Sometimes the universe makes you do things that you don't even understand.
 * Ryan: Sure. Well, Sandy didn't seem too upset about it.
 * Seth: Are you kidding? He's waited eighteen years for me to be arrested for political activism. It's probably the proudest moment of his entire life.

The Case of the Franks [4.13]

 * Taylor: I've never met an awkward silence I couldn't fill.

 * Taylor: I mean, your dad and Julie Cooper. It's just so––
 * Ryan: [deadpan] ––incestuous, inappropriate.
 * Taylor: Well, look at you being all hyper-articulate.

 * Taylor: Are you threatening us?
 * Kaitlin: [smirks] Totally. It's war, bitch.

 * Taylor: Okay, they're gonna play the money card but we can play the emotion card. Am I right Ryan?
 * Ryan: Yeah, you're right.
 * Taylor: Okay, Frank. Tell me what it is that you love about Julie?
 * Frank: Well, um...she's....uh...
 * Taylor: I forgot what we're dealing with here. Atwoods on Valentine's Day.
 * Ryan: [mutters] Told ya.

 * Summer: I met G.E.O.R.G.E.
 * Seth: I'll kill him.

The Shake Up [4.14]

 * Summer: Look, I know you’ve never had a birthday party before, let alone ever been to one — but usually people get presents for their birthday. So will you please tell me what you want?
 * Taylor: [sighs] Okay, honestly? I want Ryan to ask me to go with him to Berkeley next year.
 * Summer: Okay, I was thinking more along the lines of a cute top...

 * Summer: [Seeing the front page of a newspaper] Did you see this about earthquake weather? You know, it's exactly this kind of voodoo science that lets politicians deny global warming [hands paper to Taylor]
 * Taylor: Oh, my God, I know. And how many times have they predicted "the big one" and it never happens. Almost makes you wish that it would.

 * Ryan: These are really good croissants.
 * Taylor: Don't you have the feeling we're on the cusp of something, and we just need to leap into the void?
 * Ryan: Did you get these at Joe's?
 * Taylor: Ryan, don't you have that feeling?
 * Ryan: [confused] What?

 * Summer: What happened with Ryan?
 * Taylor: [sighs] I tried, Summer. I really did. The moment was upon us, we were staring into each other's eyes, and... and he just didn't say it! Ugh.  Sometimes I just wanna grab him and tie him to a chair and shoot him full of sodium pentothal and see what spills out.

 * Taylor: Uh, Mister! Mail Carrier, sir! ‘Scuse me, please! Could you wait? Hi. I'm sorry. Um, a woman in that house where I live just gave you a letter that she shouldn't have and, uh, I kind of need it back.
 * Mailman: Ma'am, once the letter goes in the pouch. it's the property of the federal government.
 * Taylor: Okay... and I totally understand that. But if you take that letter, I am gonna lose my place at Berkeley and the chance to be with the man I love and who I think loves me, and, and... 15 years from now, when he is trapped in a loveless marriage and I have become a cold, hard ice-queen for whom love is no more than a distant memory, it will all come down to the fact that this morning, which, coincidentally, happens to be my birthday, you obeyed the letter of the law at the expense of simple, human charity.
 * Mailman: Wow, that was amazing.
 * Taylor: Can I have my letter now?
 * Mailman: Yeah, sure.

 * Summer (to Sandy): Just go with it, it's Taylor.

 * (While Ryan drags a drunk Taylor to her bedroom)
 * Taylor: I don't understand how you're not drunk?
 * Ryan: Oh, it's the Atwood genes, we're built to withstand massive quantities of alcohol.

 * Taylor: I don't know what to say.
 * Ryan: That's a first.

 * Summer (pointing at the frontpage of the Orange County Chronicle) :Did you see this about earthquake weather? You know, it's exactly this kind of voodoo science that let's politicians deny global warming.
 * Taylor: Oh my God, I know and how many times have they predicted the big one and it never happens. Almost makes you wish that it would.

 * Summer [to Taylor]: OK, so you want to get Ryan to tell you that he wants you to go to Berkeley without knowing that you already got into Berkeley?
 * Taylor: Exactly.
 * Summer: And how are you going to do that?
 * Taylor: Easy, I just need to get him to tell me that he loves me.
 * Summer: Mhmm, Ryan talking about his feelings, now that would be an earth-shattering event.

The Night Moves [4.15]

 * Taylor: Don't you think the boys are acting weird?
 * Summer: Shifty looks, finishing each other's sentences, like they're composing a lie on the spot?
 * Taylor: Yes.
 * Summer: Totally normal for them.

 * Seth: You may find this hard to believe, Ryan... but when I was younger, I used to be a bit of a worrier.
 * Ryan: You don't say
 * Seth: To distract myself from worrying, I would sometimes make lists. It didn't matter what the lists were of, it could be anything. Every cereal I've ever eaten, or the names of every planet mentioned in Star Wars. Whatever."
 * Ryan: You wanna make a list, Seth?
 * Seth: Oh, yeah. Whatever. Sure, if you want to. We could start with everyone you've punched in the face...since moving to Newport. First would be Luke at Holly's beach house
 * Ryan: Yeah, & number two would be Luke.
 * Seth: Right, at the diner.
 * Ryan: Yeah, & again at the model home.
 * Seth: What about Holly's dad at the cotilion?
 * Ryan: That was more of a tackle
 * Seth: Which takes us back to Luke
 * Ryan: Yeah. TJ.

 * [Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room]
 * Seth: Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.
 * Ryan: You donated blood?
 * Seth: Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
 * Ryan: Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.
 * Seth: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.
 * Ryan: Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
 * Seth: For real?
 * Ryan: No. I'm kidding.

 * Seth: We could have turned this into a body-swap comedy, we could have squeezed another year or two out of this.

 * Taylor: Summer, do you really think Pancakes is in the attic? Like he pulled down the ladder, hopped up and then put it away?

 * Gary: Best earthquake ever.

 * (As Summer and Taylor discuss a flare gun)
 * Summer: It is stupid, and dangerous, and (crash) ... oh my God. Go 187 on that zombie's ass.

 * Seth: Okay, I've always wondered, in your opinion, who is the better food industry server, I guess: Chloe, the magical waitress from Albequerque, or Donny, the angry busboy who shot Luke?
 * Ryan: I'll go with Chloe on that one.
 * Seth: Good. What I thought, what I thought. Desert island: Sadie, the tough-as-nails yet soulful jewelry maker, or Lindsay, my grandfather's illegitimate bookish love child?

 * Seth: Now, ahem, when last we checked... need some help with that?... we were on Trey. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe we went from Trey to a lengthy Volchok period.
 * Ryan: Yeah. Hey, thanks for this.
 * Seth: Yeah. Now unless you hit that Chili guy. Or Johnny. I know a lot of people were rooting for that.

 * Seth: Darryl?!
 * Darryl: Hey, Seth! How's the earthquake treating you?
 * Seth: Ah... not too well. I need to ask for your help.
 * Darryl: Sure... but how can I help you?
 * Seth: Well, I'm guessing you don't have a... like a car or walkie-talkie or...
 * Darryl: This shopping cart is my only worldly possession.
 * Seth: Ok, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you for it.
 * Darryl: Sorry! No way! I... I'll give you my pants.
 * Seth: No. No. They look better on you. Listen... it has a flat tire and possibly a broken axle but it's a $70,000 dollar car and it's all yours in exchange for the cart.
 * Darryl: Sweet!

 * Seth [to Ryan]: The doctors said you're going to be fine, although you're going to have to wrap your head around the fact that we're really brothers now (Ryan looks at Seth) or blood brothers.
 * Ryan: You donated blood?
 * Seth: Aah, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins, it's no big deal.
 * Ryan: Hmm, you're not a big fan of needles.
 * Seth: Nor of fainting, it turns out, but the bank was a little low and us O-negative guys gotta stick together.
 * Ryan: Hm, that's weird, cause all of a sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
 * Seth: Really?
 * Ryan: No, I'm kidding.

 * Taylor: Mom, I'm really sorry I shot you, I know we don't always get along, but ... I really love you.
 * Veronica (long pause): I love you too.
 * Taylor: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
 * Veronica: Taylor, that's why I went to Julie's. After the earthquake happened all I could think about was you.
 * Taylor: Oh my God Mom, me too.
 * Veronica: I was shot because I'm such a total failure as a mother. It never even occurred to you that I would come looking for you.
 * Taylor: But you did. So...
 * Veronica: So...
 * Taylor: Oh Mom.
 * (Taylor and Veronica Hug)

The End's Not Near, It's Here [4.16]

 * Kirsten: You're making crepes?
 * Ryan: Yeah. Taylor sent Kaitlin a griddle from France.
 * Kaitlin: With a super-long note about how I need to broaden my breakfast horizons. She's 6,000 miles away and still annoying.

 * Seth: Take a good look around. Everything's about to change.
 * Summer: Actually, I have a surprise! Look: the floor plan to our apartment in Providence.
 * Seth: Hey: big screen TV, La-Z-boys, hotplate. Looks exactly like here.
 * Summer: Mmm?
 * Seth: Awesome! Do you think our TiVO will keep its memory if we pack it?
 * Summer: I don't know. I should call the helpline right now.

 * Seth: Take a look around, man. In a few weeks, you're gonna have all these new faces to punch.
 * Ryan: Aw, you gettin' nostalgic on me?

 * Sandy: Sophie Rose Cohen. It's got a nice ring to it.
 * Kirsten: She's beautiful, isn't she?
 * Seth: She really will be in two years, when she doesn't look like a squished meatball.
 * Ryan: You just called your sister a squished meatball.
 * Sandy: Shoulda seen what you looked like when you were born.
 * Kirsten: Oh, he was beautiful, too.
 * Seth: Yeah. I was.
 * Sandy: Yeah, you looked like you went 12 rounds with Joe Frazier.

 * Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
 * Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.

 * [The series' last words]
 * Ryan: [on phone, leaving a construction site] Yeah, I'm just leaving the site now. Everything looks good. We're on schedule to meet our target date. Thank you. [As he reaches the truck, he hangs up and sees a young boy waiting by a pay phone. He may have been there for a pretty long time. Ryan thinks back to the beginning when he was in a similar situation.] Hey, kid. You need any help?

Main characters

 * Peter Gallagher - Sandy Cohen
 * Kelly Rowan - Kirsten Cohen
 * Benjamin McKenzie - Ryan Atwood
 * Mischa Barton - Marissa Cooper (2003-2006)
 * Adam Brody - Seth Cohen
 * Chris Carmack - Luke Ward (2003-2004)
 * Melinda Clarke - Julie Cooper
 * Rachel Bilson - Summer Roberts
 * Alan Dale - Caleb Nichol (2004-2005)
 * Tate Donovan - Jimmy Cooper (2003-2005)

Season 1 regulars

 * Benjamin McKenzie - Ryan Atwood
 * Adam Brody - Seth Cohen
 * Mischa Barton - Marissa Cooper
 * Peter Gallagher - Sandy Cohen
 * Kelly Roawn - Kirsten Cohen
 * Melinda Clarke - Julie Cooper
 * Tate Donovan - Jimmy Cooper
 * Rachel Bilson - Summer Roberts
 * Chris Carmack - Luke Ward

Season 2 regulars

 * Shannon Lucio - Lindsay Gardner
 * Olivia Wilde - Alex Kelly
 * Michael Cassidy - Zach Stephens
 * Logan Marshall-Green - Trey Atwood
 * Nicholas Gonzalez - DJ
 * Kim Delaney - Rebecca Bloom
 * Billy Campbell - Carter Buckley
 * Alan Dale - Caleb Nichol

Season 3 regulars

 * Autumn Reeser - Taylor Townsend
 * Willa Holland - Kaitlin Cooper
 * Michael Nouri - Neil Roberts
 * Cam Gigandet - Kevin Volchok
 * Nikki Reed - Sadie Campbell
 * Ryan Donowho - Johnny Harper

title: The O.C.