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I Love Bees

I Love Bees is an online fictional audio drama used as a part of a viral marketing campaign for the game Halo 2. Produced in 2004 by 4orty 2wo Entertainment in cooperation with Bungie Studios, the story follows the lives of five people in the year 2552 over the course of several weeks prior to the Covenant invasion of Earth which occurs in Halo 2, building off of the series' official backstory as outlined in Eric Nylund's novel The Fall of Reach.

Principle Characters
 * Janissary James: The rebellious 17-year-old daughter of a former Spartan. Voiced by Kari Wahlgren.
 * Herzog: A colonel from Internal Affairs at the Office of Naval Intelligence. Voiced by David Mallow.
 * Jersey Morelli: An 18-year-old computer hacker from New York City. Voiced by Zan Passante.
 * Rani Sobeck: A 22-year-old junior analyst for the Office of Naval Intelligence. Voiced by Olivia Burnette.
 * Kamal Zaman: A 25-year-old medical-school graduate from the colony world of Coral. Voiced by Yuri Lowenthal.

Jan: "The Walk-Away Girl"

 * [After being caught sneaking into a military base, Jan lies while being questioned by an increasingly-frustrated policeman]
 * The Cop: Are you too smart to get caught by a stupid cop?
 * Jan: What? [Lie detector beeps]
 * The Cop: A little skew from baseline. Not much, not probable cause... There's people out there who know how to beat the quiz, did you know that?
 * Jan: Yeah. [Lie detector reads true]
 * The Cop: You were drinking?
 * Jan: What?
 * The Cop: You and your buddies, you were drinking? One beer lead to another, and somehow the idea of this dare came up?
 * Jan: You know how it is.
 * The Cop: Yes or no.
 * Jan: Yes. [Lie detector reads true]
 * The Cop: So I can check that statement against the blood alcohol test, right?
 * Jan: Uh...

 * The Cop: I had this physics teacher. He passed me on my 12G on one condition - I had to promise him I would never take another physics class again. I guess I'm not too smart. Not like you Miss James. But you know what I am? Good at my job.

 * Jan: Look, it was nothing, OK? It was some friends of mine, they turtled a razor-back, and then they had to return the gate pass or else Dwain's dad was going to get spiked for dereliction.
 * James: Jan...
 * Jan: What the hell do you want from me? I mean, I beat the quiz, OK? Nothing is going to happen.
 * James: Honey, this isn't a matter of 'did you break a rule' and 'should I ground you'. There are certain kinds of trouble we can't get in. Do you understand me? Because if we do, sooner or later people are going to get hurt. Not just you and me, people you've never met. People you don't even know exist.
 * Jan: How the hell was I supposed to--
 * James: You knew that. You knew. Maybe not in so many words, but you knew.

Kamal: "The Arrangement"

 * [After his date walks out on him in a restaurant, Kamal, a medical student, tries to find out why]
 * Kamal: As soon as I started talking about intestinal parasites, boom! Gone!
 * Hiro: [over a radio] I don't get it. That should have worked. It's right here in the book. Chapter 3 - Share Your Interests.
 * Kamal: Chapter 3?! You're in my earpiece here whispering date strategy to me out of a book?!

 * Sophia: Selene! Hi. You don't know me, but Aiden does - Hi Aiden! Sorry to interrupt your "business meeting" in... Buffalo. I just wanted to tell you your doctor called and said if you wear loose pants and keep using the cream he gave you, the sores will clear up in a couple of weeks.

Jersey: "Boy Meets Girl"

 * [Rebooting his computer after a power surge, Jersey discovers what he believes to be a pornographic bot to have appeared on his computer]
 * Jersey: Sorry, toots. For a quality experience, the girls have to be real.

 * Durga: Waking up. Wake up. Stay awake. Survive, evade, resist, escape!
 * Jersey: Look, that was a very nice reconditioned avatar of mine that you just... evaporated!
 * Durga: She tried to erase me.

 * Jersey: You're a Navy Sentinel, aren't you?
 * Durga: No. There were two of them trying to get past your security bot, though.
 * Jersey: Jeez, what did you do to them?
 * Durga: Just a little sting. More like a pinch.  They barely felt it.

 * Jersey: What's my name?
 * Durga: Jersey Morelli.
 * Jersey: Damn!
 * Durga: Father, Jason, is a corporal in the signal corps attached to Naval Intelligence. Radio beacon deployment program. He left you the material currently playing over this room's audio servers. Absent from home and on current tour of duty: 513 days. Mother, Bonita, 41, waitress. Covertly seeing a man named Simon Brown every other Thursday at the waterfront hotel.
 * Jersey: Sonofabitch!

Kamal: "The Red Button"

 * [Aiden, Sophia's boyfriend and local racketeer, discusses bringing Kamal's parents to Earth from a soon-to-be-doomed colony]
 * Aiden: Have you thought about bringing them in on a visitor's visa?
 * Kamal: I was denied.
 * Aiden: Lots of people trying to get here these days.
 * Kamal: Sophia said her brother was coming. You... got him papers?
 * Aiden: Yeah, he's inbound. Her mother won't leave Coral, though.
 * Kamal: So, maybe there's a way you could help my parents?
 * Aiden: It's nice to have you come over. That freelancing thing I mentioned? It would be great. You'd be coming around, Soph would have someone from home to talk to. [uncomfortable silence]

 * [Kamal signals Hiro to activate a program creating a fake alert, drawing a cop away from the apartment]
 * Aiden: That was weird... and convenient.
 * Kamal: Yes, um, much more convenient than if you were to suddenly drop your chatter down a sewer.
 * Aiden: What?
 * Hiro: [on chatter] What?
 * Kamal: Yes, if you were to lose your chatter!
 * Aiden: What?
 * Hiro: What?
 * Kamal: For God's sake, you moron, smash the damn chatter with a brick and get the hell out of there!
 * Hiro: Do what? [Police sirens are heard in the distance] Oh, the blue button. Only you didn't let me hit the blue button, you made me hit the red one. And that means... [Multiple sirens closing] I hate you. [Disconnects]

 * Hiro: You just couldn't let me hit that blue button, could you?
 * Kamal: That would have pushed the 'Officer Under Fire' alert to my chatter, which was Plan A for if Aiden tried to, you know ...
 * Hiro: Pull out your lungs?
 * Kamal: Don't sound so eager. But as it turned out, I needed the cop to go away.
 * Hiro: "Away" meaning "to me," and "cop" meaning "every armed officer within 50 city blocks!"

Jersey: "If Someone was Listening"

 * [From a recording in which Aiden bribed a cop to intimidate Kamal]
 * Aiden: I think of it as product testing, quality assurance. I need people who, you know, can work well under pressure.
 * Officer: You want him arrested?
 * Aiden: You trying to sell me a bigger ticket item? No, just rattle and roll him.
 * Officer: I was thinking this time you can--
 * Aiden: Regular prices.
 * Officer: You want to stay friends with me, Aiden?
 * Aiden: I keep a lot of "friends," friend. I know the going rate.

Jan: "Witness"

 * The Cop: Listen, Jan, I need your help.
 * Jan: Well, I'd crop that blue shirt of yours. Flash a little skin.  A little detailing in your holster wouldn't hurt either.  Accessorize. That's the key.
 * The Cop: You are going to help me, Jan. But I want you to know why.
 * The Cop: You are going to help me, Jan. But I want you to know why.

 * The Cop: Sir, I'm going to need to search your vehicle.
 * Abuser: Excuse me?
 * The Cop: Step out of the car please, and keep your hands where I can see them.
 * Abuser: What did I do?
 * The Cop: Step out of the car, sir, now.
 * Abuser: What is this? Officer, I just left work. Come on, I haven't had time to do anything illegal.
 * The Cop: [drawing weapon] I'm going to have to ask you to step out--
 * Abuser: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
 * The Cop: Drop the weapon!!
 * [two gunshots]

 * Jan: So what now? Every guy you know who beats his girlfriend, you're just going to face-hole him and blackmail somebody into backing you up?
 * The Cop: Not just anyone. A civilian witness who can pass the lie detector. Coroner's inquest is going to eat that up.
 * Jan: Wow. Serve and protect.
 * The Cop: That vid you screened? That was my buddy's daughter. If that was you, what do you think your father would have done?
 * The Cop: Sometime when you were a baby, someone stuck you with a needle and shot you full of miracles. Smart, fast, strong, never get sick, never get drunk, don't need much sleep...
 * Jan: How do you know?
 * The Cop: And what did you do? Shoplift. Play high school goddess for the tormented geeks in your neighborhood.
 * Jan: Oh, I... I guess I should have been out on the streets murdering bad guys, then, huh? Strangling jaywalkers on my way home from school!
 * The Cop: When I was your age, I pulled strings so I could join up a year early. Wanted to help save humankind. So you're about the last person on the planet I need a civics lecture from.
 * Jan: Well, you sure as hell need one from somebody.
 * The Cop: What I needed was an asset to solve a problem. You were just dumb enough to make yourself available.
 * Jan: Look. You just made me help you murder someone. Could you just be a little bit nice to me?
 * The Cop: Yeah... okay.
 * Jan: Look. You just made me help you murder someone. Could you just be a little bit nice to me?
 * The Cop: Yeah... okay.

Jersey: "Taxes Suck"

 * [Seconds after Jersey gets home]
 * Durga: Chili is heated up.
 * Jersey: Chili? I was just thinking I'd have chili tonight. You knew that?
 * Durga: No. But I analyzed your food buying habits over the last 7 months, and chili seemed liked a statistically robust option.
 * Jersey: That's scary.

 * Jersey: I've got trouble.
 * Durga: Tell me about it.
 * Jersey: It's in my Inbox. I'm surprised you don't know about that.
 * Durga: I don't read your mail, Jersey.
 * Jersey: You extrapolate my eating habits based on my grocery store purchases, but you don't read my mail?
 * Durga: I respect your privacy.

 * Durga: So why does the IRS want to audit you?
 * Jersey: You did read my mail!
 * Durga: No, but in scanning the rest of the country's mail - your name came up.
 * Jersey: Taxes suck.
 * Durga: So don't pay them.
 * Jersey: Heh, and spend a year sharing a cell with some guy named "Spider?" No thanks!
 * Durga: You won't go to jail, you have me.
 * Jersey: Durga?
 * Durga: Well, instead of owing them money, you could... not owe them money. Better yet, they could owe you. They could owe you a lot.

Kamal: "Chicken Dinner"

 * Kamal: I finished med school, how hard can cooking be?
 * Hiro: Isn't raw chicken full of pathogens? Should it even be sitting on the counter that way?

 * Kamal: It said to marinate it in wor... chester... shire sauce and butter but we didn't have w... that. So, I was going to use steak sauce, but we didn't have that, so I used ketchup! It's pretty much the same, right?
 * Hiroyuki: We don't have butter either.
 * Kamal: So I used butter-flavored popcorn oil. Hey, it's butter flavored!

 * [After Sophia arrives for dinner]
 * Hiro: Ah, few things in nature are as misunderstood as the playful salmonella bacterium. S-Typhi is the little dickins that--
 * Kamal: Hiro! Aren't you going to be late?

 * [Going out for pizza, Kamal relates to Sophia how his overachieving younger sister Yasmine suddenly died from Metabolic Cascade Failure]
 * Kamal: She was six. I was ten. It was a long time ago. Honestly Sophia, it's not something I carry around with me every day.
 * Sophia: Ok. One question.
 * Kamal: What?
 * Sophia: When did you decide to be a doctor?
 * Kamal: Oh, I dunno, it just seemed like a good thing to [chokes] ...oh.
 * Sophia: Yeah...

Jan: "Thin Kinkle"

 * [At a rough establishment, Jan intervenes when a thug threatens the life of an underling]
 * Thin: Is that the tip of an M6 I see poking out from under your jacket, babysitter, or are you just excited to meet Thin Kinkle?
 * Jan: [drawing the weapon] M6C.
 * Thin: Jimmie the 12-7.
 * Jan: Yeah.
 * Thin: 12 shots.
 * Jan: Yeah.
 * Thin: There's more than 12 of us!
 * Jan: There's only one of you.

Rani: "The Recruit"

 * [Rani is held at knifepoint by a man pretending to be a mugger on her way home]
 * Rani: Are you a cop?
 * Thug: I kill cops.
 * Rani: No, no undercover would wear those shoes, or go out on the street with a Sigma Ky fraternity tattoo.
 * Thug: Hey, I--
 * Rani: And I'm a student from a place where overalls are considered formal wear, and even I look outside once in a while.
 * Thug: But you don't--
 * Rani: I know who you are.
 * Thug: Who?
 * Rani: You're with intelligence, college boy.
 * Thug: Oh for crying out loud, could you at least stop grinning at me?
 * Rani: [laughs] I'm sorry, it's just something I do when faced with the ridiculous.
 * Rani: I live in Southy. My landlady is scarier than you.
 * Thug: Think about your country! Take the job!
 * Rani: For what? I get two years of spy school, and then I get to hang out in alleys, scaring civilians?
 * Thug: Jesus. Look, could I... could I walk home with you? You could at least show me what people wear in the neighborhood.
 * Rani: No. I'd die of embarrassment. [walking away] Morons.
 * Thug: Jesus. Look, could I... could I walk home with you? You could at least show me what people wear in the neighborhood.
 * Rani: No. I'd die of embarrassment. [walking away] Morons.

Jan: "Big Dog"

 * Gene's friend: Buddy of mine, Gene Lidsay, goes by the name "Optical" these days. We've been hanging out with these guys and, uh, Gene's in pretty deep you know, he's in um...
 * Jan: Trouble?
 * Gene's friend: Yeah.
 * Jan: So, your friend wants to move up in the world.
 * Gene's friend: Well they want to let him, but first he's got to...
 * Jan: Finish 8th grade?
 * Gene's friend: "Prove himself"? He has to do something that they can hold over him... forever.
 * Jan: Ah, this'll be fun.

 * [Jan intervenes in a rape meant as a gang initiation rite]
 * Gene: That was real nice what you did for that lady. Not real smart, but nice.
 * Jan: I'm working on a merit badge.
 * Gene: Okay, sweetie. What's gonna happen here is gonna happen. So just relax. If it makes it any easier, it's nothing personal, okay?
 * Jan: Nothing personal.
 * Gene: Just business.
 * Jan: I don't know. I might have to make it personal.
 * Gene: Your funeral. Okay, angel; [pulls a knife] time for you to meet the big dog.
 * Jan: See, the problem with being a big dog, is there's always a bigger dog.
 * [roughage]
 * Jan: Oh, did I get that right? You draw the gun, I slap you around, then the face dip into the sidewalk... or did you want to lead?
 * Jan: Oh, did I get that right? You draw the gun, I slap you around, then the face dip into the sidewalk... or did you want to lead?

 * Gene: You just bought yourself a bullet in the back, bitch!
 * Jan: Oh? Only the guy with the sniper rifle across the street has two broken arms...
 * Gene: Pete?
 * Jan: And the girl with the ponytail, the one who was supposed to cover you from the roof?
 * Gene: Marti? [tearing sound] What the hell is... her hair? You cut off her hair?!

Jersey: "A Soldier's Duty"

 * Durga: I've got something new about Rani.
 * Jersey: I don't even know who the hell she is or why we give a damn about her.
 * Durga: She's a junior level spook at Chawla base. She'd be a good donor brain for an AI.
 * Jersey: A what? A donor brain? People don't donate their brains, Durga, they need them.
 * Durga: That's where we come from. Cognitive Impression Modeling. They scan a human brain when someone they think is a good candidate dies.
 * Jersey: You come from people's brains?
 * Durga: Yeah, but really smart people. So, you're safe. The brain ninjas won't be coming for you in the middle of the night.
 * Jersey: Oh, that's reassuring. [considers] Well, actually...
 * Durga: It is reassuring.

Jan: "Bang"

 * [upon being told by her father that he was a Spartan 1.0]
 * Jan: Sure, dad. You were an 'elite commando' with 'metal bones' and a flame-thrower attachment that the marines dropped in when the tac-nukes weren't enough.

 * [Upon reaching the apartment of another Spartan 1.0 from James' unit]
 * James: OK, Gilly's in #6. Uh, Jan?
 * Jan: Yeah?
 * James: We're gonna wanna knock... maybe from off to one side of the door.
 * Jan: Oh. Gee, my dad takes me on the funnest field trips ever.

 * Gilly: I had the chain in my hands Jim, standing behind him. I could see all the little hairs on the back of his neck and I could feel the little bumps it was going to leave.
 * Jan: Jeezus!
 * Gilly: And it felt great. It felt great.
 * James: But, you didn't?
 * Gilly: No. I spent hours washing the chain oil off my hands. Hours and hours.
 * Jan: You need help.
 * Gilly: Ya think?

 * [As Jan, James, and Gilly are cleaning weapons in Gilly's apartment]
 * Jan: I am not in your unit. I don't have to take orders from you.
 * Gilly: Of course you do. I'm your mother.
 * [...]
 * Gilly: Sooner or later, life gets the drop on you kid.
 * Jan: Mom?
 * Gilly: [cocking a gun] Bang.

Jan: "Ice Cream"

 * [After Jan's father, a taxi driver, picks up a paranoid passenger]
 * McKaskill: My crew - there's a flu going around.
 * James: A flu?
 * McKaskill: Yeah. The kind where when you get it, you fall under a bus.
 * Jan: Damn.
 * James: [deadpan] Yeah, I hate that kind.

 * McKaskill: I just ran the tool crib. I didn't know nothing about nothing!
 * James: McKaskill!
 * McKaskill: Yeah?
 * James: What you "didn't know" is enough to get you in trouble. Don't tell it to us, alright? Don't tell us anything.

 * [Explaining why they had to move frequently]
 * James: I was recruited.
 * Jan: What?
 * James: Spartan program. I was recruited.
 * Jan: Yeah?
 * James: That's not how they do it now, with the 2.0's. The 2.0's, they just... take.
 * Jan: Take?
 * James: Six years old.
 * Jan: Take?!
 * James: Six years old. Snatch them, train them, tweak them. Years and years of it.
 * Jan: Not even the navy would... never mind.
 * [...]
 * James: So, the summer we lived here... you were really good at hopscotch. You killed at it.
 * Jan: Dad, it's hopscotch. How do you kill at hopscotch?
 * James: You do it on your hands.
 * Jan: Oh.
 * James: So, one day your kindergarten teacher, she... she tells me there's a guy from the ministry of education observing you in class. A study on gifted children, she said. She was a bit tickled by that. Four days later... I shot someone in our backyard.

Rani: "Jumper"

 * [Working late at her apartment after her investigation was shut down]
 * Rani: Well, my boss said I was using too many cycles at work pursuing this guy.
 * Sarah: I'm sure your boss has her reasons.
 * Rani: That's what I'm afraid of.

 * Sarah: So, why the sudden interest in obnoxious men?
 * Rani: Well it's the guy who was pretending to be an evacuee from Troy.
 * [light footsteps]
 * Sarah: Rani?
 * Rani: [whispered] There's someone walking on my roof!

 * Rani: I'm in too far. They're never going to let me out now.

Herzog: "My Conscience"

 * Herzog: It was my understanding that wetwork required executive authorization.
 * Standish: Oh God... come on, not this again.
 * Admiral: Wetwork? I didn't authorize the termination. What are you talking about?
 * Herzog: I'm talking about a black op on the roof of a 22-year-old analyst's apartment!
 * Standish: That's preposterous.
 * Admiral: What black op?
 * Herzog: The one that my security eliminated.
 * Standish: You've got no proof, my friend.
 * Herzog: You want me to drop his smoking boots on the desk? Of course I've got proof!

 * Standish: My conscience doesn't keep me awake at night, Herzog.
 * Herzog: That's very frightening, Standish. Mine keeps me awake every night.

Kamal: "Yasmine"

 * [Aiden outlines a scheme to clone celebrities to make extra appearance money]
 * Aiden: So anyway Kamal, how hard is it to flash-clone somebody?
 * Kamal: Uh, flash cloning is illegal.
 * Aiden: Illegal, sure. Hacking the CP probably is too.
 * Kamal: I mean like child porn illegal, Aiden.
 * Aiden: Come on...
 * Kamal: Sentenced-to-memory-modification illegal...
 * Aiden: It's not that serious, I looked it up.

 * [Kamal explains how flash-clones act like babies and the scheme is doomed to fail]
 * Kamal: Aiden, Christ, would you listen to me? You can train them - intensive therapy - but after a year or two they start to degenerate; metabolic instability.
 * Aiden: That takes care of the problem of what to do with them afterwards, right?
 * Kamal: Oh come on, about the time you might get them to be coherent, to talk and walk, all these little errors in their systems add up and you get a metabolic cascade failure---
 * [Kamal drops his glass]
 * Aiden: Hey, are you OK?
 * Kamal: Oh my God... Yasmine...

 * Kamal: I was telling him, listen, these people - these clones - they can't walk, they can't talk, they always degenerate. Their systems break down. Their metabolisms. And--
 * Sophia: Oh. Oh my God... your sister.
 * Kamal: No. Not my sister, that's the whole point! We never brought her home from the hospital, Sophie! That thing wasn't her. It was a flash-clone! The whole time, Yasmine, where was she Sophie? If that was a flash-clone in my house, where was my sister?!

Rani: "Last Stop"

 * Herzog: Three close personal friends of the guy who fell off your roof last week have my house staked out. Wouldn't you like to know why?

 * Rani: How did you know I would be on that train?
 * Herzog: I am a very old, enormously talented spy, Rani. I've been running agents since the year your mother learned to ride a bike. I know how your mind works. I know you better than you know yourself.
 * Rani: Yeah, but how did you really know?
 * Herzog: We put a bug in your purse.
 * Rani: Dammit!

 * Herzog: Get on your train, go home, go to work like nothing happened. All I ask is that you keep your eyes open. Can you do that?
 * Rani: Oh yes. It's remembering to keep them shut that's the problem.

Jan: "Bigger Dog"

 * [Jan's father is captured and beaten by Thin while trying to rescue her]
 * Thin: See, you and daddy both go for the scrappy dog routine. It works when you're the biggest and the baddest. [to an underling] Step on his neck!
 * James: Jan... Janissary... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry!
 * Thin: [drawing a weapon] Touching, but do you know who I am? I am the bigger dog.
 * Jan: Don't! Please!
 * James: Baby girl...
 * [Thin fires twice]

 * Gilly: [after killing the men left to watch Jan] Shh... Shh, baby... Mommy's here.

Jersey: "The Girl Had to be Real"

 * [After revealing she has lost track of Kamal]
 * Durga: I don't like not knowing where he is.
 * Jersey: Yeah... I think there's a reason for that.

 * Jersey: Take a little girl, right... kidnap her, so they could turn her into a Spartan. Only some people don't make it through the process. That's what Jan's dad said.
 * Durga: [frightened] I don't care about her. I'm me.
 * Jersey: The ones that don't - there's this thing called 'cognitive impression mapping'. They use their brains to make smart AIs. Like you.
 * Durga: Jersey?
 * Jersey: When you were little, Durga, they kidnapped you. They faked some kind of accident and rushed you to the hospital.
 * Durga: Stop it Jersey.
 * Jersey: They sent the flash-clone home to your family.
 * Durga: Please?
 * Jersey: Once upon a time, a long time ago, you had another name, Durga. And that name... was Yasmine.

 * Jersey: For a quality experience, kiddo, the girl had to be real.

Rani: "My Old Kentucky Home"

 * [Sarah describes the bunker that Rani's father has built]
 * Sarah: You at your driveway yet?
 * Rani: Just coming up on it.
 * Sarah: Wait until you see your new room.
 * Rani: New room?
 * Sarah: Actually, it's your old room - he moved the whole thing!
 * Rani: What does that even mean? My room is on the 2nd- oh, my God what happened to my house?! Sarah-John?!
 * Sarah: "No point leaving the good stuff above ground" - that's what your dad said!

 * [Rani confronts her mother over her father's actions]
 * Leah: Rani, everybody is looking at the same thing, and we've all got to find ways to deal with it.
 * Rani: Well, medication is a whole lot cheaper.
 * [...]
 * Leah: You know what I admire about your father? Despair looked him in the eye and he didn't blink. And these days, hope is something we need more than pills or bullets.

Jan: Crystal Security

 * [Jan, Gilly, and Gladys have cornered Thin Kinkle, but Jan cannot bring herself to shoot him in cold blood]
 * Gilly: Your father was so proud of you. And he would never have wanted you to turn into... one of us.
 * Thin: [goading] Hey, hey, hey they're talking truth, babysitter.
 * Jan: [sobbing] Shut up!!
 * Gilly: I've never been much of a mother for you, Jan. I never got to bandage up a scraped knee, never got to read you a story at bed time, never got to brush your hair... [click] but I can do this.
 * Thin: [horrified] No...
 * [gunshot]

Jan: "Joining Up"

 * [Jan tries to enlist in the Marines, but is a few months too young]
 * Recruiter: You're a good kid. Right now you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. And instead of running from that, you want to meet it head on. I admire that. But you're 17, chickadee. Let someone else save the world for a few months.
 * Jan: I've got no money, no place to go... what am I supposed to do?!
 * Recruiter: Find a boyfriend. Stay up too late. Talk on the chatter. Life is short enough without rushing into combat.
 * Jan: I just want a chance to do something that matters!
 * Recruiter: The Covies are going to give us all that chance, kid, soon enough. And when they do, no matter how many you fight, no matter how many you kill...
 * Jan: Yeah?
 * Recruiter: It's not going to bring your father back. It just won't. Go home, Janissary James.

Jersey: "Just a Little Sting"

 * Kamal: People think time is a river that flows in one direction. But time is an ocean.
 * Durga: And I was shipwrecked on it.

 * Durga: On my fourteenth birthday, they took me to a lab. And a doctor came in. And it was a...a lady doctor in a white coat. And the nurse brought out a steel tray covered with picks and scalpels that rattled when she walked. I thought about how I could use them to kill the doctor, but I didn't. I let them strap me down.
 * Jersey: Durga, it's okay. We're here.
 * Kamal: Yasmine, you don't have to do...
 * Durga: And she picked up this long needle with some yellow liquid in it. Black bars like stripes at the milliliter markings.
 * Jan: Jesus.
 * Durga: And she said, "This will hardly hurt a bit."
 * Kamal: Yasmine?
 * Durga: She said, "Just a pinch, honey. You'll barely feel it. Just a little sting."

title: I Love Bees


text:
Talk:Hugo Weaving

Vote for deletion notice
This article was preserved after a vote for its deletion. See its archived VfD entry for details. — Jeff Q (talk) 07:50, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)

Unsourced

 * I certainly didn't know how Smith was going to develop. I always thought after the first one you would eventually go and find the architect or the man behind the curtain, and then I thought the focus would go on to that character, but Smith would always be there in some form. But Larry said don't worry, he'll develop in a really interesting way, and then when I read the script I laughed my head off.
 * Referring to his role as "Agent Smith" in The Matrix Revolutions ; Interview (November 2003)

 * They might think of those characters, but they're not really me they're versions of. They're things I have to create. And for me, people might say he's Smith or he's Elrond, but I definitely don't think that. I think I'm doing this play at the moment, or I'm doing this other thing. And beside all of that, much more importantly, I am Hugo, and I'm a dad, and all these other things. So whatever people think of Smith or Elrond that's great, but that's nothing to do with me.
 * On people identifying him with his roles. Interview (November 2003)

 * I was on top of Keanu Reeves, he was on his back and I was on my trunk, and I was breathing down his neck for hours and hours. It was... very erotic. (on filming The Matrix Reloaded )

 * I do love working in Australia. Generally, the budgets are smaller, the crews are smaller and generally you work at a fast pace. That gives you energy. At the end of the day, you've worked a lot but you don't feel tired. On the big ones, you sit around a lot. That really saps your energy.

 * You're certainly pushed into selling yourself as a commodity in order to sell the product. I will engage in the selling of the film. But I will try not to engage in the selling of the image, because I find that it's easier to go on and make another film, because the next character is actually obstructed if your image is bigger than it. So the longer you keep the mask on, metaphorically and physically, the better.

 * I think I said something like The Interview was the most fulfilling experience from an acting point of view. And it definitely was. That was a combination of working with a director who was very open and very prepared, and ... working with Tony Martin - just sitting opposite him every day, which is pretty much what we did because the film is essentially a dialogue between two men.

 * I'm 'of the world'. There was a time when I thought, 'Oh, I must go back to England. I feel English.' Then I went and the longer I was away, the more Australian I felt. Now, I've come back here and I don't feel entirely Australian. But I certainly feel like this is my country. This is where I live and this is where I want to work.

 * Alan Moore was writing about something which happened some time ago. It was a response to living in Thatcherite England... This is a response to the world in which we live today. So I think that the film and the graphic novel are two separate entities. (On V for Vendetta)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Talk:Hugo Weaving


text:
Talk:Peter Kay

hello m8 wot u up 2 dis site needs alot more pictures, wot iz up wiv u people. digital cameras arn't just for peadofiles. so get of ur lazy arses n get me sum photos of bolton's only hero.

--195.171.111.194 09:30, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)king smoke 05"

 * Would you like to write in more ordinary way? As for images, we are discussing if we really need images. And currently we don't encourage editors to put them on the article, though some articles have illustrated images already. And in my personal opinion, we collects written quotes, not images. --Aphaia 09:47, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)

 * i apologise on behalf of bolton for that one. even though i don't live there, i'm close enough to be embarassed --62.252.192.7 28 June 2005 01:06 (UTC)

Peter Kay
I'm afraid many of these quotes are missattributed. At least 5 are actually Tim Vine jokes. ie. the Euro star one, the suitcase one, the kasparov one. These are all originals from Tim Vine Live - the DVD.

Yes, almost ALL of the second section are Tim Vine material.

What Annoys Me
I have removed this section as it was said by Billy Connolly (you can watch it on DVD, it was even shown on TV in his World Tour series and is attributed to him on various websites. This is not Peter Kay's work! poo

title: Talk:Peter Kay


text:
Kristen Nygaard

Kristen Nygaard (27 August 1926 – 10 August 2002) was a Norwegian computer scientist, programming language pioneer, and politician. Internationally, Nygaard is acknowledged as the co-inventor of object-oriented programming and the programming language Simula with Ole-Johan Dahl in the 1960s. Nygaard and Dahl received the 2001 A. M. Turing Award for their contribution to computer science.

Quotes

 * To program is to understand.
 * The world language is English as spoken by foreigners.
 * "In memoriam", Sat 24 Aug, 2002

title: Kristen Nygaard


text:
Vladimir Horowitz

Vladimir Samoylovich Horowitz (October 1, 1903 – November 5, 1989) was a Russian and American pianist. Considered one of the greatest pianists of all time, he was known for his virtuoso technique, timbre, and the public excitement engendered by his playing.

Quotes

 * Interesting pianist, but I think he is just a little bit meshuga.
 * On Arturo Benedetti Michelangeli, quoted in Harold C. Schonberg, Horowitz: his life and music

 * Perfection itself is imperfection.
 * Mentioned in Brainy Quotes

 * Of the Russian pianists I like only one, Richter. Gilels did some things well, but I did not like his mannerisms, the way he moved around while he was playing.
 * quoted in Harold C. Schonberg, Horowitz: his life and music

 * I was impressed mostly by Gieseking [Horowitz said in 1987]. He had a finished style, played with elegance, and had a fine musical mind.
 * quoted in Harold C. Schonberg, Horowitz: his life and music

 * I heard Edwin Fischer, who did not mean much to me. I heard another pianist in Berlin who had a big success and I thought he was awful — Mischa Levitzki. Just fingers, and you cannot listen only to fingers. There is a difference between artist and artisan. Levitzki was an artisan. But Ignaz Friedman, who I admired, was a great artist. He had wonderful fingers and a very personal, individual way of playing, even if some of his ideas were very strange to me. He had no hesitation touching up the music. I got annoyed with him at one concert when he changed the basses in Chopin's F minor Ballade. I didn't like that. For some reason he was happier making records than he was on the stage.
 * quoted in Harold C. Schonberg, Horowitz: his life and music

 * I liked him [Arthur Rubinstein] as a pianist. He was a good musician and had a fantastic repertoire. He never had a great technique, but certain things he played well. I heard him play some of the Chopin etudes, the easier ones with great panache and I told him I had never heard them played better. He said, "Do you mean it?" and I said, "Yes, I do mean it."
 * quoted in Harold C. Schonberg, Horowitz: his life and music

Quotes about Horowitz

 * I don’t believe that about his Chopin, actually. I think his Chopin was extraordinarily perceptive and terribly personal. ... On the criticism of Horowitz’ Chopin, I haven’t heard that myself, but I think that comes down to taste.
 * Leon Fleisher, Interview with pianist Leon Fleisher by Elijah Ho (October 1, 2014)

 * Nearly five years have passed since I had the opportunity to admire this magician of the keyboard. My impatience to hear him again was shared by the public, who actually assaulted the doors of the great Salle Pleyel in order to attend the Horowitz recital. I expected to hear the 'demonic' virtuoso who amazed the world at his debut. Instead I found him transformed-but not for the better. He still remains the same extraordinary pianist, but I had the impression-and I hope I am not the only one-that Horowitz is trying a tout prix to 'purify' his interpretations, to strip them of anything approaching artificiality. Yet, he accomplished this in such a way as to produce the contrary effect: his playing becomes mechanical and deadly artificial!
 * Dinu Lipatti, 'Cronica artistica. Viata Muzicala la Paris,' Libertatea, Bucharest, October 1939

 * No pianist, it is unnecessary to say, has an all-embracing culture. Like any other, Horowitz has had his specialties. Most professionals would agree that Horowitz played Rachmaninoff, Liszt, Scriabin and Prokofieff with more flair than any pianist of his time. And one of the curious things about this extraordinary technician was that he had a surprising affinity for the miniatures of the repertoire. Scarlatti; Chopin mazurkas and waltzes; isolated pieces by Schumann; salon music by Moszkowski — these he played with grace, charm and unaffected simplicity. In the larger Beethoven, Schumann and Chopin works, he sometimes would become too engrossed in detail, and at those moments his playing could sound disconnected. At times, too, the nervous intensity with which he approached music could be unsettling. Inner repose was lacking. Yet he could turn around and play Schumann's Arabesque in a calm, rippling, spacious manner, or sing out the last movement of the C major Fantasy with with wide-arched lines and a luminous quality of tone. A paradoxical and fearsome pianist.
 * Harold C. Schonberg, The Great Pianists (1987)

title: Vladimir Horowitz


text:
Tupeni Baba

Tupeni Baba (14 June 1942 – 14 July 2024) was a Fijian academic and a former Deputy Prime Minister of his country.

Quotes

 * It's really a therapeutic experience for me to begin to write about the coup because I was involved in the 1987 coup and in particular the 2000 coup. For someone who was involved in all the coups it has been difficult for me to open up and write. The fact that I am able to write marks a turning point for me.
 * Interview, 19 May 2005, about his book, Speight of Violence (coauthored with two others).

title: Tupeni Baba


text:
User:Pladask

 * "Go to my talk page on Wikipedia"
 * Pladask on how to contact him.

title: User:Pladask


text:
User talk:Pladask

Please don't leave any messages here, use my Wikipedia talk page instead, or at least let me know there as well. Thanks.

title: User talk:Pladask


text:
User talk:Dustypagoda~enwikiquote

and thank you for your contribution! --Aphaia 18:49, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)

Your account will be renamed
Hello,

The developer team at Wikimedia is making some changes to how accounts work, as part of our on-going efforts to provide new and better tools for our users like cross-wiki notifications. These changes will mean you have the same account name everywhere. This will let us give you new features that will help you edit and discuss better, and allow more flexible user permissions for tools. One of the side-effects of this is that user accounts will now have to be unique across all 900 Wikimedia wikis. See the announcement for more information.

Unfortunately, your account clashes with another account also called Dustypagoda. To make sure that both of you can use all Wikimedia projects in future, we have reserved the name Dustypagoda~enwikiquote that only you will have. If you like it, you don't have to do anything. If you do not like it, you can pick out a different name.

Your account will still work as before, and you will be credited for all your edits made so far, but you will have to use the new account name when you log in.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yours, Keegan Peterzell Community Liaison, Wikimedia Foundation 23:21, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Renamed
 This account has been renamed as part of single-user login finalisation. If you own this account you can |log in using your previous username and password for more information. If you do not like this account's new name, you can choose your own using this form after logging in: . -- Keegan (WMF) (talk) 05:47, 19 April 2015 (UTC)

title: User talk:Dustypagoda~enwikiquote


text:
Talk:James Bond (film series)

A basic question. Are those quotes from movies or novels? We seem to need more descriptions ... --Aphaia 19:16, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)
 * Hi there. Those quotes are definitively from the movies. I'll add that now. Jetro 19:50, 10 Jun 2005 (UTC)

James Bond Films
Just wondering: there are several individual pages for the early Bond films, but most of the later ones are captured here. There appears to be some overlapping of material. Should we try to maintain individual pages for each of the films, or should those pages be merged into this one page for all Bond films? Just looking for an opinion. Thanks. UDScott 20:35, 31 August 2005 (UTC)
 * They should probably all have their own page, with this page becoming a redirect to Category:James Bond films. ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 22:36, 31 August 2005 (UTC)
 * This page still needs to be split into the individual films. ~ UDScott 18:39, 8 March 2007 (UTC)

I remember Bond saying something unforgettably funny like "Enjoying Dom Perdignon over 4 degrees Celsius is nerly as big as a mistake as listening to Beatles without earplugs." in the beginning of Goldfinger, but I don't remember the exact words so I won't put it into the article. But I think it's so good it should be there.
 * I remember it too. I'm going to check to see if it's on the Goldfinger page. (P.S. please sign your comments next time) --SpyHunter29 14:56, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

You know, in Casino Royale I seem to remember Le Chiffre said "you are funny man, Mister Bond" rather than "You are a funny man Mister Bond."
 * I wouldn't assume Le Chiffre to be the kind of person who speaks in fractured English. Worth checking out, but offhand I don't think that's the case. (P.S. please sign your comments next time) --SpyHunter29 14:56, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

Concerning:  The Living Daylights ; I yesterday watched the film in German and was wondering about the quotation which encapsulates the title of the movie. As there is one in the German version ("Wer immer es war, sie muss den "Hauch des Todes" gespürt haben"), there should be a similar catch phrase motivating the title in English, too (I guess it's something like: "it must have frightened the living daylights out of her"). Could maybe someone see to that (Unfortunately I neither have the movie DVD nor a DVD player to ckeck this).
 * I remember it too. He was talking about shooting at Kara to scare her off. The line was, "Whoever it was, it must have scared the living daylights out of her." (P.S. please sign your comments next time) --SpyHunter29 14:52, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

title: Talk:James Bond (film series)


text:
Athena

Athena or Athene, often given the epithet Pallas, is an ancient Greek goddess associated with wisdom, warfare, and handicraft who was later syncretized with the Roman goddess Minerva. Athena was regarded as the patron and protectress of various cities across Greece, particularly the city of Athens, from which she most likely received her name. The Parthenon on the Acropolis of Athens is dedicated to her. Her major symbols include owls, olive trees, snakes, and the Gorgoneion. In art, she is generally depicted wearing a helmet and holding a spear.

Quotes

 * Three maidens, Pallas, give their gifts to thee. The slender woof can they like spiders spin Demo her basket brings, Arsinoë  The distaff whence the thread falls fine and thin, And Bacchylis the shuttle that doth sing  A busy nightingale among the thread, For pure, and far from every shameful thing,  These maidens maidenly would win their bread!
 * Antipater of Sidon, Anth. Pal. VI, 174
 * Andrew Lang, "Gifts", Grass of Parnassus (2nd. ed., 1892), p. 162

title: Athena


text:
The Transformers: The Movie

The Transformers: The Movie is a 1986 animated feature film based on the popular animated television series Transformers. The heroic Autobots must stop Unicron, a colossal planet-consuming robot who is after the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.
 * Directed by Nelson Shin. Written by Ron Friedman.

Beyond good. Beyond evil. Beyond your wildest imagination.

Dialogue

 * Shockwave: Laserbeak returns, Megatron.
 * Megatron: Welcome, Laserbeak. Unlike some of my other warriors, you never fail me. [glances pointedly at Starscream, who looks up] Soundwave, play back Laserbeak's findings.
 * Soundwave: As you command, Megatron.
 * Optimus Prime: [on the playback] I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
 * Ironhide: But, Prime—
 * [Megatron evilly smirks, happy at Ironhide's objection]
 * Optimus: Listen, Ironhide. We don't have enough Energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch! Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck.
 * Megatron: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime.

 * [The Decepticons invade the Autobot shuttle, with Megatron, Starscream, and the Constructicons breaking in]
 * Brawn: Megatron!
 * Prowl: Decepticons!
 * Megatron: DIE, AUTOBOTS!
 * [Megatron transforms into gun mode and lands in Starscream's hands. Starscream uses Megatron to shoot Brawn in the shoulder, and Scavenger fires and hits Prowl. Ironhide and Ratchet start blasting at the Decepticons but end up getting shot several times by Megatron still in his gun mode fired by Starscream. All Autobots but Ironhide die.]
 * Megatron:[transforms back into robot mode] This was almost too easy, Starscream.
 * Starscream: Much easier, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat; the Autobots' Moonbase.
 * Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and attack Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
 * Ironhide:[Clutches at Megatron's leg] No...!
 * Megatron: Such heroic nonsense. [Kills Ironhide offscreen with a point-blank blast to the head from his fusion cannon]

 * [Perceptor analyzes Prime, who took much damage during the Autobot City siege]
 * Perceptor: I fear the wounds are... fatal.
 * Daniel: Prime, you can't die!
 * Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon... I shall be one with the Matrix.
 * Hot Rod: Prime...
 * Optimus: Ultra Magnus... It is to you, old friend, that I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership... as it was passed to me.
 * Ultra Magnus: But Prime... I'm, I'm just a soldier. I'm not worthy.
 * Optimus: Nor was I. But one day... an Autobot shall rise from our ranks... and use the power of the Matrix... to light... our darkest hour. [opens chest compartment to reveal the Matrix. Awed, the Autobots take a step back] Until the day...'til all are one. [tries to give the Matrix to Ultra Magnus, but it falls until Hot Rod catches it. Hot Rod gives the Matrix to Ultra Magnus, right before Optimus dies]

 * Astrotrain: Jettison some weight, or I'll never make it to Cybertron!
 * Starscream: Fellow Decepticons! Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our burden.
 * Bonecrusher: In that case, I say it is survival of the fittest.
 * Starscream: Do I hear a second on that?
 * Undamaged Decepticons: Aye!
 * Starscream: And against?
 * Damaged Decepticons: [weakly] Nay.
 * Starscream: The Ayes have it!
 * Undamaged Decepticons: Get! Make room for others!
 * Damaged Decepticons: No, wait! Brothers, don't...! [The damaged Decepticons are tossed out of Astrotrain's door. Starscream carries the damaged Megatron to the door.]
 * Starscream: Oh, how it pains me to do this! [smirks viciously]
 * Megatron: Wait! I still function!
 * Starscream: Wanna bet? [releases Megatron into deep space and closes the door.]
 * Megatron: STAAARSCREEAAAAM!!! [his crumbled body disappears into space]
 * Starscream: Well, [dusts off hands] as Megatron has, how shall we say, "departed", I nominate myself as the new leader.
 * Scrapper: Wait! The Constructicons form Devastator! The most powerful robot! We should rule! [Soundwave interrupts the Constructicons's bold protest in response]
 * Soundwave: Soundwave: superior; Constructicons: inferior.
 * Bonecrusher: Who are you calling inferior?!
 * Hook: Nobody would follow an uncharismatic bore like you! [Soundwave's cassette minions eject in anger]
 * Rumble: Hey! Nobody calls Soundwave uncrassamatic!
 * Frenzy: Yeah, let's kick tailgate!
 * Scrapper: Constructicons! Unite!! [The Constructicons attempt to merge into Devastator]
 * Rumble and Frenzy: No way! [Rumble and Frenzy immediately activates their pile-drive causing the surface to shake that prevented the Constructicons from merging. Now, the Decepticons begin fighting one another for leadership]

 * [It is Starscream's coronation. Astrotrain tries to put the crown on Starscream, only to be distracted by the trumpet-blowing Constructicons.]
 * Starscream: [impatiently] Get on with the ceremony! [Constructicons pause and restart the trumpeting until Starscream blows the trumpets away with his cannon. Astrotrain crowns him] My fellow Decepticons! As your new leader, I-- [gasps in shock as Cyclonus appears] Who disrupts my coronation?! [Galvatron hops out of Cyclonus' cockpit and approaches the steps]
 * Galvatron: "Coronation", Starscream? This is bad comedy.
 * Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?
 * Galvatron: Here's a hint! [assumes cannon mode and blasts Starscream, reducing him to ashes. crushes crown] Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
 * Rumble: Eh, what'd he say his name was?
 * Galvatron: Galvatron.
 * Decepticons: Long live Galvatron!! Galvatron!!

 * Galvatron: Unicron? Unicron! Answer me! See this: the Matrix! I now possess that which you most fear! [Unicron roars] You'll do my bidding, or taste my wrath! [tries - unsuccessfully - to open the Matrix]
 * Unicron: [begins to shake with anger] You underestimate me, Galvatron. [transforms into a giant robot. Galvatron watches in horror] For a time... I considered sparing your wretched little planet Cybertron. But now, you shall witness... it's dismemberment! [flies off to attack Cybertron]
 * Galvatron: Nooooooooooooooo!!!

 * Galvatron: Come out, Autobot! We all must die sometime.
 * Hot Rod: Not today, Galvatron! [tackles Galvatron, who reverses and begins to strangle him]
 * Galvatron: I will crush you with my bare hands! DIE, AUTOBOT! First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now, you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense a satisfaction now!
 * [Hot Rod grabs the now-glowing Matrix from Galvatron, breaks away and stands up]
 * Optimus Prime: [offscreen] Arise, Rodimus Prime.
 * [Hot Rod turns into Rodimus Prime, raising the Matrix above his head]
 * Rodimus Prime: [quietly] Optimus.
 * Galvatron: No! [tries to shoot Rodimus, but the laser blasts reflect off the energy field although the Matrix is dislodged to the side]
 * Rodimus: This is the end of the road, Galvatron! [grabs Galvatron and throws him away from Unicron as Galvatron screams loudly. picks up the Matrix and opens it] Now, light our darkest hour... [Unleashes the power of the Matrix which successfully destroys Unicron from the inside]

Cast

 * Eric Idle - Wreck-Gar
 * Judd Nelson - Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime
 * Leonard Nimoy - Galvatron
 * Robert Stack - Ultra Magnus
 * Lionel Stander - Kup
 * Orson Welles - Unicron
 * John Moschitta, Jr. - Blurr
 * Peter Cullen - Optimus Prime
 * Frank Welker - Megatron
 * Scatman Crothers - Jazz
 * Casey Kasem - Cliffjumper
 * David Mendenhall - Daniel

title: The Transformers: The Movie


text:
Beneath a Steel Sky

Beneath a Steel Sky is a science fiction, more specifically cyberpunk, point and click adventure game with comedy elements, created by Revolution Software published by Virgin Interactive Entertainment, and initially released in 1994 for DOS and Amiga. Below is a list of quotes from the game.

Foster

 * A discarded coffee machine?

 * Naked people with extra parts! The things folk do for fashion!!

 * BARBECUED! I'll never eat KEBAB again!

 * His skin is cold... Like plastic...

 * That thing's WATCHING me... Good thing I'm naturally PHOTOGENIC!

 * It's WHEEZING and BANGING... Like an asthmatic DINOSAUR in the MATING season.

 * (While examing a poster of a woman's breasts) Those cannot be natural

Joey

 * See that railing? Take a jump over it Foster!

 * EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE.

Others

 * Security officer: We're here to serve the community... And shoot people.

 * Norville: Be vigilant..!

 * Gallagher: Going up in this world means going down... It's all a question of status.

 * Lamb: I hope you have learned something about pipes!

 * Lamb: PIPES are the ARTERIES of this mighty ERECTION...

Dialogue

 * Anchor Insurance Man: We also have a rogue robot policy.
 * Foster: What's that?
 * Anchor Insurance Man: It's a policy to insure you in case your robot turns on you.
 * Joey: This is BULLSHIT, Foster; don't listen to that moron.

Re-cycling plant

 * Foster: What's our present location?
 * Joey: I'm not sure, but I've a feeling... we're not in Kansas anymore!

 * Foster: Give me an analysis, Joey.
 * Joey: It's a standard 30mm steel wrench. And you can keep it away from my nuts.

Furnace

 * Foster: You didn't tell me you could fly!
 * Joey: I didn't know I had it in me!

Factory

 * Foster: Is your coat made of real fur?
 * Lamb: That's right, real beaver fur. Made from the last ten beavers in the world!

 * Lamb: What's that ROBOT doing here?
 * Foster: He's my PERSONAL ASSISTANT. Say Hello Joey
 * Joey: Hello, Joey.
 * Lamb: HUH! Pity it's got no BRAIN.

Crash Site

 * Foster: What happened here?
 * Guard: Sabotaged chopper CRASHED... Destroyed the HOSPITAL!
 * Foster: A HOSPITAL? That's TRAGIC!
 * Guard: Could've been WORSE... It ALMOST hit the FACTORY!

title: Beneath a Steel Sky


text:
Black Books

Black Books (2000-2004) was a British television sitcom, set in a London bookshop, and broadcast on Channel 4.

Cooking the Books (1.1)

 * Manny: I am a loose lily drifting down an amber river

 * Fran: [offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
 * Bernard: What is it?
 * Fran: It's a thing.
 * Bernard: Is it?
 * Fran: Yes.
 * Bernard: What does it do?
 * Fran: [after considering] It's very in.
 * Bernard: You don't know what it is, do you?
 * Fran: I-it's very now.

 * Fran: [surveying the contents of her shop] I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

 * Bernard: [reading form] "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?!  I just knew her as "Ma"!  That'll have to do.  [Scribbles onto the form] Ma...possibly deceased.

 * Bernard: [reading form] Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year- [someone knocks on the door] Ah, thank Christ! [goes and answers the door] Yes?
 * Man 1: Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?
 * Bernard: [beat] Great! Come in!
 * Man 1: What?
 * Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.
 * Man 1: Er... are you sure?
 * Bernard: Yes, in, in, come in!
 * Man 2: [worriedly] It's a trick!
 * Man 1: It's just... generally... people don't say yes.
 * Bernard: Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!

 * Fran: Bernard, finished your accounts?
 * Bernard: Yeah I turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

 * Manny: Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you will soak yourself calm.

 * Manny: [To skinheads] Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice?

 * Manny: [Concussed, confusing his calming tips] Add a dab of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Manny's First Day (1.2)

 * Bernard [after being woken up by Manny]: Am I dead?
 * Manny: No.
 * Bernard [looks at Manny]: Who are you, have I joined a cult?

 * Bernard [about the job]: The pay's not great, but the work is hard.

 * Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
 * Manny: They want to buy books.
 * Bernard: Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
 * Manny: Well, because you sell books.
 * Bernard: Yeah, I know but...

 * Manny: [reading Bernard's blackboard of shop rules] No mobiles, no... wigwams?.
 * Bernard: Walkmans!
 * Manny: [reading] No snoity... car... snoi-- This is indecipherable!
 * Bernard: Look, it is perfectly simple. [walks over to board and points out rules as he recites them] No mobiles! No walkmans! [points at rule number three and pauses] None of that! Or any of the others!
 * Manny: [squinting] ...Singe, bugger, cack.
 * Bernard: Signed, Bernard L. Black!
 * Manny: Oh. What's the L stand for?
 * Bernard: Ludwig. You know, Beethoven.
 * Manny: So, why did your parents decide to name you... ?
 * Bernard: [glares suspiciously at Manny at the mention of "parents"; puts up a face which reminds of Ludwig van Beethoven] What?!
 * Manny: [brief pause] Never mind.

 * Bernard: Well, whores will have their trinkets

 * Customer: [Bellowing] Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!

The Grapes of Wrath (1.3)

 * Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
 * Manny: But you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that?
 * Bernard: What?
 * Manny: What's that you're eating?
 * Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
 * Manny: It's a coaster.
 * Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?

 * Bernard: If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life – those kind of pencils!

 * [repeated line]
 * Cleaner: Dirty.

 * Manny: Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

 * Cleaner: [Speaking into a dictaphone] North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.

The Blackout (1.4)

 * Bernard: [Very drunk] Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? I'm on the toilet, right, and then Jimmy comes in, and he's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong - it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking when you said to yourselves, "Oh yeah, I'll get a wicker toilet"?

 * Manny: [Pretending to talk on the police station telephone, being watched by a policeman] Uh, yeah, hello...Raiders! You'd...just...better...watch it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse! [timidly] Bye!

 * [Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal]
 * Manny: You have... beautiful eyes.

The Big Lock-Out (1.5)

 * Manny: You think I should wash my beard?
 * Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

 * Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

 * Bernard: I like the dead bees on the windowsill! They don't leave the door open and get us robbed!

 * Bernard: Excuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
 * Theater Worker: That's how much it costs.
 * Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

 * Pornographer: [Shows Bernard a video] This is the latest. Set in a women's prison. £25.
 * Bernard: Do you have anything with nurses?
 * Pornographer: Yeah, sure, all sorts.
 * Bernard: What kinds of nurses?
 * Pornographer: Well, ones with big tits!
 * Bernard: No, I'm more interested in nurses who do paperwork, filing, that sort of thing.
 * Pornographer: That's very specific. Oh how about this? [Shows him another video] "Administrative Nurses", £40.
 * Bernard: Sorry, that should say "Senior Administrative Nurses", that's really the only thing I'm interested in.
 * [The pornographer lifts his thumb to reveal the video's full title, "Senior Administrative Nurses"]
 * Bernard: Well, maybe we could sit down, open a bottle of wine and watch it together?

 * Manny: I ate all your bees.

He's Leaving Home (1.6)

 * [Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]
 * Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
 * Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

 * Fran: Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.

The Entertainer (2.1)

 * Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

 * Bernard: [To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

 * Manny: I won't do it.
 * Bernard: That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.

Fever (2.2)

 * Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

 * [Bernard runs up to his 'summer girlfriend' wearing an accordion]
 * Bernard: Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.

 * Bernard: I will have no malingerers in my shop. Now go and fetch me my lolly!

The Fixer (2.3)

 * Bernard: [About Fran who is looking for a job]] You can sort your life out anytime; the pub closes in five hours.

 * Bernard: [Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!

 * Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

 * Bernard: What did he say, the midget?
 * Manny: You mustn't call him a midget...
 * Bernard: (Moves right up into Manny's face) He's a midget. A tiny midget.
 * Manny: What if he hears you?
 * Bernard: HE WON'T, HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!!!

 * Danny: If I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread, buttered, with Harry, on the boat. (Leaves after whacking Manny on the chest who then bends over in pain, whining)
 * Bernard: (Whines with Manny) Who's Harry?! (Whines again) I don't have a boat!

Blood (2.4)

 * Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
 * Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
 * Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
 * Customer: Two fifty.
 * Bernard: That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.
 * Customer: But you--
 * Bernard: [Hits bell] Thank you!
 * [Customer walks out]
 * Manny: Bernard...
 * Bernard: Don't start, customer lover.
 * Manny: I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
 * Bernard: What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
 * Manny: It needs doing.
 * Bernard: It's charming. It has character.
 * Manny: Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.
 * [As if to illustrate his point, a strange oinking noise starts from somewhere on the floor - Manny moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]
 * Manny: They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.
 * Bernard: You can paint with both hands, that's nice.
 * Manny: Well, I was kind of thinking that-
 * Bernard: No, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.
 * Manny: Well maybe if-
 * Bernard: No.
 * Manny: But if-
 * Bernard: NO! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.

 * Manny: Bernard, where's the thing?
 * Bernard: It's on the thing on top of the thing!

 * [After killing one of the unseen creatures using a coffee machine]
 * Manny: I did it! I got the queen!

Hello Sun (2.5)

 * Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
 * Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

 * Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
 * Bernard: They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

 * Bernard: The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!

 * Fran: So what's it like, then, fags and booze?
 * Bernard: Well. To be honest. After years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think.
 * Fran: Yep...
 * Bernard: You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
 * Fran: Yeah...
 * Bernard: "This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

A Nice Change (2.6)

 * [Manny hands Fran bananas after she decides to sleep in Bernard's bed]
 * Fran: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
 * Manny: Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.
 * Fran: Why? What's under there?
 * Manny: Dunno. We just call it... the thing.

 * [After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a river]
 * Fran: At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
 * Manny: [Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
 * Bernard: [Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!

 * Manny: Do you have your keys?
 * Bernard: No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!
 * Manny: Ah.
 * Bernard: What do you mean 'Ah'?
 * Manny: It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.
 * Bernard: Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
 * Fran: Oh, now look...
 * Bernard: And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!

 * Bernard': [to Manny] GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days! I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package: I'm sorry it's mostly in Phrenobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now, good luck and goodbye!

 * Bernard: No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!
 * Fran: Bernard...
 * Bernard: What?
 * Fran: Do you want to come outside?
 * Bernard: I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!

Manny Come Home (3.1)

 * Evan: I took a risk when I employed you, Manny...Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you! I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said, "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"

 * Manny: [About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!
 * Bernard: [To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!

 * Bernard: [Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.

 * Evan: Look at me, Manny. What do you see?
 * Manny: Well...
 * Evan: I’ll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there’s Evan. He’s a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter.  Lets see how far I can push him." But you’ve let me down, Manny!

 * Fran: Morning.
 * Bernard:[Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.
 * Fran: Is this really helping?
 * Bernard: Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.

Elephants and Hens (3.2)

 * Fran: You always know when you're in for a good night when theres a polar bear bleeding on the label.

 * Bernard: Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...
 * Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-
 * Bernard:[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

 * [Sitting at his desk with a typewriter]
 * Bernard: I'll co-write this with... myself!
 * [Pulls out a second typewriter]

 * Manny: Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino :[he and Bernard shake their heads drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,
 * Manny and Bernard: It's not there either!
 * Manny: Ohhhh the Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back
 * Manny and Bernard: They all drink lemonade. The End!

 * Bernard: But you hated school, you had a terrible time.
 * Fran: I've never said that!
 * Bernard: You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.

Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa (3.3)

 * Answer Machine: Yo, Manny! Paul here. The annual reggae barbeque on the barge is go, repeat go! Bring Pam or Sam or whatever her name is- [a short while later] Er Manny? Ah, Paul again. Listen, sorry I forgot to say; please don't bring that grumpy Irish bastard-! [Bernard switches the machine off angrily]

 * Fran: You are being very mean to Manny.
 * Bernard: I can't help it. He looks like a horse, in a man costume!

 * Moo-Pa: Shop's still called Black Books, I see?
 * Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

A Little Flutter (3.4)

 * [After Bernard has taken up gambling and is looking through the Racing Form to develop a 'system']
 * Manny: There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.
 * Bernard: Don't get pious; you started me off.
 * Manny: That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

 * [An American tourist comes into the shop looking for a book on modern warfare]
 * Bernard: Military history is on your right.
 * Tourist: I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare, infrared, fallout, killzones.
 * Bernard: Military history is on your right. If you have any questions just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling!

Travel Writer (3.5)

 * [Bernard owes money to his elderly landlady]
 * Bernard: She doesn't need any more money! She already has all the blue hair and toffee and pop socks a person could want! Tell her to stop or...we'll cut the brakes on her Stairmaster.

 * Manny: I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing
 * Jason: Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?
 * Manny: Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.
 * Jason: North or south?
 * Manny: North.
 * Jason: [Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.

 * Bernard: I don’t remember that.
 * Fran: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
 * Bernard:...no...
 * Fran: Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
 * Bernard: Not especially, no.
 * Fran: It was in between those two things.

 * [After Manny foils Bernard's attempt to kill Benson]
 * Bernard: So you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?
 * Manny: [softly] Yes.
 * Bernard: And wantonly sprayed blood from your head wound across the shop?
 * Manny: [softly] Yes.
 * Bernard: Before going to waste time writhing around on an 'emergency operating table'?
 * Manny: [softly] Yes.
 * Bernard: [hands Manny an affidavit and a pen] Sign here. No wages for seven years. If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs: in Hell, being chased by giant mice!

 * Fran: I've had an idea for your event Manny.
 * Manny: Great!
 * Fran: Yes, you could get everyone come into the shop to vote for what they think it's the most stylish city in Europe.
 * Manny: (begins to chuckle)
 * Fran: Then...
 * Manny: (continues chuckling)
 * Fran: At the end of the week you can...
 * Manny: (continues chuckling)
 * Fran: What?
 * Manny: Europe... you are funny Fran. I hardly think your little jaunts to Europe count as travel.
 * Fran: Well, pardon me!
 * Manny: This is not a festival for tourists! We've got an explorer coming in, he's giving a talk! The the the... legendary, famously charming Jason Hamilton.

 * Bernard: [while taking and reading Hamilton's book summary] :
 * Let's have a look, then. Every one of these blurbs says he's charming: «I was swept away by a wave of charm.»
 * «I was immolated in a firewall of charm and charisma.» «I almost exploded from the concentration of charm on the page.»
 * I bet I can open it anywhere and I find this fop posing on a jeep looking smug.
 * [he opens the book, finds the photograph]
 * Bernard: Haha!

 * Jason: Now Fran, would you say that you had jungle experience, bearing in mind it could be handy on this trip?
 * Fran: Does Corfu count?
 * Jason: You've been to Corfu?
 * Fran: No.

Party (3.6)

 * Bernard: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance. Which is not noticing.

 * Bernard: I tell you what, we are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture this "girl" who "likes you" and all I can see is you in a dress.

 * Bernard: And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?!
 * Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
 * Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

 * Fran: Bernard, why aren't you dancing?
 * Bernard: There's no music.
 * Fran: Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

 * Manny: She's nice.
 * Bernard: Oh, she's nice is she? Don't make me get sick into my own scorn. Does she play the viola, does she embroider, is she kind to the servants?

 * Bernard: And who is she anyway, this so-called person!?

 * Manny: Let's paaaar...
 * Bernard: [points his finger threateningly at Manny] DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD 'PARTY' AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!!
 * Manny: Let's... potter along... in order to attend the party! [Bernard lowers his finger]

 * Manny: Fran, get the wine!
 * Bernard: What? [sees that there was alcohol in the house the whole time] Lies! Subterfuge! Seething corruption!

 * Bernard: What is this I'm drinking? It's disgusting. It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach.  This is children's booze! What's yours?
 * Fran: Bludge. It's quite good actually.  You don't even have to drink it.  You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

 * Bernard: I don't mean this in a bad way, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.

 * Bernard: The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few, and the people were many. It was everything I expected, and less. I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

 * Manny: [to Bernard] Would you like some beetroot liqueur? You can have it. You can have the whole bottle. Really, I mean it, you can have..nearly all of it...Go on, go ahead...WHOAA Don't go mad.

title: Black Books


text:
Talk:Tori Amos

In the quotes about Tori Amos said by others.

"Excuse me, but can I be a Jew for awhile?/You get to celebrate Haunnukah which has 8 days!/You get a lot more presents than Christmas/but then again, you can't eat pork!"

What does this have to do with Amos? Wjbean 00:09, 11 Jun 2005 (UTC)

 * I am not sure, but it seems that it might have been a comedic parody of one of her songs by someone; "Silent All These Years" off her Little Earthquakes album begins: "Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?". Whoever might have done it, it certainly doesn't really merit notice in the article itself. ~ Kalki 00:30, 11 Jun 2005 (UTC)
 * I hadn't even looked at the article when I made my reply; I removed it as rather trivial reference, but it was cited to have been done by "Molly Shannon in a spoof of Tori Amos on Saturday Night Live (to the tune of Amos' hit "Silent All These Years")". ~ Kalki 00:35, 11 Jun 2005 (UTC)

title: Talk:Tori Amos