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The Blues Brothers

The Blues Brothers is a 1980 featuring  Band. Jake and Elwood Blues, two blues singers and petty criminals, must stage a concert to save the orphanage in which they grew up.
 * Directed by . Written by Dan Aykroyd and .

'''They'll never get caught. They're on a mission from God.'''

Elwood Blues

 * We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community who have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time. We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the show. And please remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody.

Others

 * Curtis: Boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way.
 * Claire: [When asked what music is played at Bob's Country Bunker] Oh we got both kinds. We got Country and Western.
 * Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.
 * Sister Mary Stigmata: You two are such a disappointing pair! I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back...until you've redeemed yourselves.
 * Illinois Nazi Party Leader: White men! White women! The swastika is calling you! The sacred and ancient symbol of your race since the beginning of time! The Jew is using the black as muscle against you! And you are left there, helpless. Well? What are you gonna do about it, whitey? Just sit there? Of course not! You are going to join with us! The members of the American Socialist White People's Party. An organization of decent law-abiding white folk, just like you.

Dialogue

 * [Jake and Elwood are driving in the new, a former police car]
 * Jake: What's this?
 * Elwood: What?
 * Jake: This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? [tries the cigarette lighter, finds it doesn't work, and throws it out the window] The Caddy, where's the Caddy?
 * Elwood: The what?
 * Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile.
 * Elwood: I traded it.
 * Jake: You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
 * Elwood: No, for a microphone.
 * Jake: A microphone? Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?
 * Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect City police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.
 * Jake: [sarcastically] Well, thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.
 * [Fog horn and warning bell sounds]
 * Elwood: You don't like it?
 * Jake: No, I don't like it.
 * [Elwood jumps the car over an opening drawbridge]
 * Jake: [impressed] Car's got a lot of pickup.
 * Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say? Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
 * Jake: [lights a cigarette using his own lighter] Fix the cigarette lighter.
 * [Later, Jake and Elwood arrive outside of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud, a Roman Catholic orphanage in which they grew up]
 * Jake: [not surprised] What are we doing here?
 * Elwood: You promised you'd visit the Penguin the day you got out.
 * Jake: Yeah? So, I lied to her.
 * Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We gotta go in and visit the Penguin.
 * Jake: [annoyed] No. Fucking. Way.

 * [Jake and Elwood are meeting with Sister Mary Stigmata, whom they refer to as "The Penguin"]
 * Jake: Forget it! Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
 * Penguin: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
 * Jake: Well, then, I guess you're really up shit's creek. [the Penguin smacks him with her ruler] Ow!
 * Penguin: I beg your pardon; what did you just say?
 * Jake: First, I offered to help you.
 * Penguin: Mmmmm...
 * Jake: Then you refused to take our money.
 * Penguin: Mmmhmmm...
 * Jake: And then I said, "I guess you're really up shit's creek". [the Penguin promptly smacks him again] Ow!
 * Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy, man.
 * Penguin: Elwood! [hits Elwood]
 * Jake: Oh shit!
 * [The Penguin hits Jake]
 * Elwood: Jesus Christ!
 * [The Penguin hits Elwood again]
 * Jake: Shit!
 * [The Penguin repeatedly hits Jake and Elwood as they keep yelling at her]
 * Elwood: Cut it out, you fat penguin! [she breaks the ruler over his head, then chases them from the office while beating them with a pointer rod] Fuck this noise, man! [runs down the stairs]
 * [Jake falls, with the desk he is sitting in breaking around him]
 * Penguin: You two are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back...until you've redeemed yourselves.

 * Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
 * Jake: [annoyed] Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
 * Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.

 * [While standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock Church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]
 * Jake: The band? The band.
 * Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
 * Jake: THE BAND!
 * Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
 * Elwood: [confused] What light?
 * Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?!
 * Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

 * Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.
 * Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not that be that easy, Jake.
 * Jake: What are you talking about?
 * Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.
 * Jake: Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.
 * Elwood: Well...I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?
 * Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
 * Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?
 * Jake: You lied to me.
 * Elwood: It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.

 * [Jake and Elwood are driving at night, followed by a police car]
 * Elwood: Shit!
 * Jake: What?
 * Elwood: Rollers.
 * Jake: No!
 * Elwood: Yep.
 * Jake: Shit!

 * Jake: [quietly] Goddamn it!
 * Elwood: Man, I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet those cops have got "SCMODS".
 * Jake: "SCMODS?"
 * Elwood: "State/County/Municipal Offender Data System."

 * Jake: First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone, then you lie to me about the band, and now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!
 * Elwood: They're not gonna catch us! We're on a mission from God!

 * Jake: You got us into this parking lot, pal! Now you get us out!
 * Elwood: You want out of this parking lot? Okay.

 * Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
 * Elwood: No, ma'am. We're musicians.

 * Jake: Hey, what's going on?!
 * Policeman: Ah, those bums won their court case, so they're marching today.
 * Jake: What bums?
 * Policeman: The fucking Nazi party.
 * Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
 * Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis!

 * [Jake and Elwood enter the Soul Food Cafe]
 * Mrs. Murphy: Help you boys?
 * Elwood: You got any white bread?
 * Mrs. Murphy: Yes.
 * Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread, please.
 * Mrs. Murphy: You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?
 * Elwood: No, ma'am, dry.
 * [Mrs. Murphy gives him a look, then turns to Jake]
 * Jake: Got any fried chicken?
 * Mrs. Murphy: Best damn chicken in the state.
 * Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
 * Mrs. Murphy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
 * Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
 * Elwood: And some dry white toast, please.
 * Mrs. Murphy: Y'all want anything to drink with that?
 * Elwood: No, ma'am.
 * Jake: A Coke.
 * Mrs. Murphy: Be up in a minute. [goes into the kitchen, where Matt is cooking] We got two honkies out there dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.
 * Matt "Guitar" Murphy: Say what?
 * Mrs. Murphy: They look like they're from the CIA or somethin'.
 * Matt "Guitar" Murphy: What they want to eat?
 * Mrs. Murphy: The tall one wants white toast, dry, with nothin' on it.
 * Matt "Guitar" Murphy: [remembers] Elwood.
 * Mrs. Murphy: And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a Coke.
 * Matt "Guitar" Murphy: And Jake! Shit, the Blues Brothers! [goes over to greet them]

 * [Mystery Woman starts shooting at Elwood and Jake]
 * Elwood: Who is that girl?
 * Mystery Woman: Well, Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.
 * Jake: No problem.
 * Mystery Woman: You're not gonna get away from me this time. [recklessly fires around the tunnel, causing pipes to leak and water to burst out]
 * Jake: [gets up, his suit ruined by the mud] It's good to see you, sweetheart.
 * Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
 * Jake: [walks forward a few steps and falls to his knees] Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you, baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!
 * Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
 * Jake: No I didn't. Honest...I ran out of gas! I-I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
 * [Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire. Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal]
 * Mystery Woman: [softens] Oh, Jake...Jake, honey...
 * [Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]
 * Jake: [to Elwood] Let's go. [drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
 * Elwood: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.

 * Elwood: It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
 * Jake: Hit it.

Taglines

 * They'll never get caught. They're on a mission from God.

 * They're back.

 * The most dangerous combination since nitro and glycerine.

 * The show that really hits the road.

 * A briefcase full of blues.

Cast

 * John Belushi - 'Joliet' Jake Blues
 * Dan Aykroyd - Elwood Blues
 * James Brown - Reverend Cleophus James
 * - Curtis
 * Ray Charles - Ray
 * Aretha Franklin - Mrs. Murphy
 * - Steve 'The Colonel' Cropper
 * - Donald 'Duck' Dunn
 * - Murphy 'Murph' Dunne
 * - Willie 'Too Big' Hall
 * - Tom 'Bones' Malone
 * - 'Blue Lou' Marini
 * - Matt 'Guitar' Murphy
 * - Alan 'Mr. Fabulous' Rubin
 * Paul Reubens - Chez Paul Waiter
 * Carrie Fisher - Mystery Woman
 * - Head Nazi
 * - Burton Mercer
 * - Sister Mary Stigmata (a.k.a. The Penguin)
 * - Maury Sline
 * Twiggy - Chic Lady
 * - Corrections Officer
 * - Bob
 * Charles Napier - Tucker McElroy
 * Steven Spielberg - Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk

title: The Blues Brothers


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The Daily Show

The Daily Show (titled The Daily Show with Jon Stewart since 1999 to 2015) is an American late-night satirical television program airing each Monday through Thursday on Comedy Central and, in Canada, The Comedy Network. The half-hour long show premiered on July 21, 1996, and was hosted by Craig Kilborn until December 1998. Jon Stewart took over as host in January 11, 1999 to August 6, 2015, making the show more strongly focused on politics and the national media, in contrast with the pop culture focus during Kilborn's tenure. It is currently the longest-running program on Comedy Central, and has won 18 Primetime Emmy Awards. When news breaks, we fix it. taglines.

Quotes
All quotes by Jon Stewart, except as noted

1999–2000

 * The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews—an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

 * Big election tomorrow! But y'know, I was thinking this weekend, as I was running the New York Marathon, um, how much like an election it is. This 22.6 mile, grueling race through all five boroughs—many, many cultures—and, uh, much like our own elections, always won by either a Kenyan or a Moroccan.

2001–2004

 * What we've been telling [young people] for the last ten years, I think, is: "Buy Coke." [...] But I do think that the message of this country has been over the past ten years, it's been—not just Play, but Buy. And Consume. And it has been Consume, and I think in the corporate oligarchy that we've established that is—that was what we were dealing with. We were dealing with trying to raise a generation of people who would like to buy our products. [...] Can I tell you something though? Spending time at colleges and spending time with these people—I never thought that this was an apathetic generation, and I never thought that this was a group of people that would not answer a call to arms. And I personally feel extremely hopeful about that because of the experiences I've had with them. They're a smart group and there's a hell of a lot of 'em.

 * I keep seeing, over these past couple of weeks, people trying to make cultural pronouncements about what these terrible events will mean for our culture. The one I keep seeing is that Irony has passed. That it is The Death of Irony. Graydon Carter, the editor of Vanity Fair—one of the foremost, by the way, magazine authorities on irony. I don't know if you've seen their Young Hollywood issue, but they don't mean it. Uh, but I was thinking... maybe we should wait to make pronouncements about what will happen to us culturally until the fire [at Ground Zero] is completely put out—don't you think? I mean, it's still smoking down there. Maybe we shouldn't necessarily decide what's the rest of History of Man going to be. No? And why did Irony have to die? Why couldn't puns have died? Or would that have been too devastating for Mr. Al Yankovic? No, no... apparently, only the kind of humor I'm fond of is dead. Thanks, Graydon.

 * If, god forbid, some coordinated terrorist attack leads to the deaths of the first seven people in line to succeed the President—the Vice President, Speaker of the House, the President pro tem of the Senate, the Secretaries of State, Treasury, and Defense, and the Attorney General—if, god forbid, that were to happen, would you really want the guy who took over to be the one who was in charge of their security? And that's tonight's "Nnnggehhh...!"
 * On a motion to move the Secretary of Homeland Security to eighth on the presidential line of succession (July 15, 2003)

 * Yes, Yes. All rise for the honorable Justice Chick with Dick!
 * In response to Dennis Kucinich's statement that he would consider nominating a trans person to the Supreme Court. (July 22, 2003)

 * So to all those naked prisoners out there: Unpile!
 * Reaction to Bush's claim that he has never ordered torture.

 * So, to sum up, it'll take two thirds of both houses and three quarters of the states to approve an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than two gay parents, which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.

 * On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Tomorrow when you go to the polls, make my life difficult. Make the next four years really hard, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, "Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?" I'd like that. I'm tired.
 * Speaking to his audience the night before the 2004 U.S. presidential election.

Monologue on September 20, 2001
At the beginning of the first episode of The Daily Show to air after September 11th, 2001, Stewart gave a personal monologue about the impact of the attacks on himself and the show. View video of the monologue at The Daily Show's official website (requires Marcromedia Flash). Read a fan's transcript.
 * The show in general we feel like is a privilege. Even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wise cracks... which is really what we do. We sit in the back and throw spitballs—but never forgetting that it is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that. That is, a country that allows for open satire, and I know that sounds basic and it sounds like it goes without saying. But that’s really what this whole situation is about. It’s the difference between closed and open. The difference between free and... burdened. And we don’t take that for granted here, by any stretch of the imagination.

 * And our show has changed. I don’t doubt that. And what it has become I don’t know.

 * I just wanted to tell you why I grieve—but why I don’t despair.

 * One of my first memories was of Martin Luther King being shot. I was five and if you wonder if this feeling will pass... [choked up]... When I was five and he was shot, here's what I remember about it: I was in school in Trenton and they turned the lights off and we got to sit under our desks... and we thought that was really cool. And they gave us cottage cheese, which was a cold lunch because there were riots, but we didn’t know that. We just thought, "My God! We get to sit under our desks and eat cottage cheese!" And that’s what I remember about it. And that was a tremendous test of this country's fabric and this country has had many tests before that and after that.

 * The reason I don’t despair is that... this attack happened. It's not a dream. But the aftermath of it, the recovery, is a dream realized. And that is Martin Luther King's dream.

 * Whatever barriers we put up are gone. Even if it's just momentary. We are judging people by not the color of their skin, but the content of their character. You know, all this talk about "These guys are criminal masterminds. They've gotten together and their extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill..." It's, it's—it's a lie. Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

 * The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... And now it's gone. And they attacked it. This symbol of... of American ingenuity and strength... and labor and imagination and commerce and it's gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the south of Manhattan is the Statue of Liberty. You can’t beat that.

2005–2009

 * Like, the Afghanistan war, man did I dig that. I'd like to go again.
 * Interview with Colin Powell (June 8, 2005)

 * Please stop calling people "Hitler" when you disagree with them. It demeans you, it demeans your opponent, and, to be honest, it demeans Hitler. That guy worked too many years, too hard, to be that evil, to have any Tom, Dick, and Harry come along and say, "hey, you're bein' Hitler." No, you know who was Hitler? Hitler!
 * Regarding countless comparisons to Hitler from the left and the right (June 16, 2005)

 * By the way, if that baby in there turns out to be Jesus... somebody owes somebody an apology.
 * Referring to Samantha Bee's then-unborn child after she appeared, eight months pregnant, on the show to illustrate how much time had elapsed since she'd performed a year-old joke cited by Bill O'Reilly as evidence of the show's anti-Christian agenda (December 7, 2005)

 * But apparently, we liberal, secular fags here at Comedy Central have fired a devastating year-old, six-second-long joke that doesn't barely even make any sense to us anymore across the bow of Christianity. When you think of liberals, your thoughts naturally turn to others who are fighting against Christmas, like the Puritans, the first white Americans, who banned Christmas celebrations for twenty-two years in Boston because they deemed all of them unseemly. Godless pricks. Mr. O'Reilly also objects, obviously, to the use of the phrase "happy holidays" as anti-Christian -- although for some people, there is also a celebration of the New Year, so Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter S. Now I suppose you could say, "Merry Christmas and a happy New Year, but YOU PROBABLY HAVE SHIT TO DO! You shorten it to "happy holidays"! Not everyone who says that is anti-Christian! But -- for those of you who don't feel like you want to be idiots walking around starting on November 27th saying "Merry Christmas" to people -- ehhh, knock yourself out. But you know what, it's okay. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. You ready? All right. [a festive Christmas border appears around the frame] I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas. Christians. Jews. Morality! And I will not rest until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium. [border disappears] You're welcome.
 * Response to O'Reilly's accusation (December 7, 2005)

 * [whispering] Thank you, Jesus!
 * Reaction to the Dick Cheney hunting incident (February 13, 2006)

 * Now, this situation certainly has its humorous aspects... very easy to make fun of an incident such as this, very easy... unbelievably easy... the kind of easy that makes you want to return your check...
 * On covering the story of Dick Cheney's hunting accident (February 13, 2006)

 * Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're gonna downgrade the condition of the story from "Incredibly hilarious" to "Still funny, but, mmm, a little sad."
 * Response to the news that Harry Whittington had suffered a mild heart attack while recovering from being shot in the face by Dick Cheney, February 14, 2006

 * Finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
 * About Glenn Beck, on The Daily Show (16 November 2006)

 * Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
 * Debating gay marriage with Bill Bennett (June 6, 2006)

 * So this weekend, I'm home, it's Saturday night, I'm spending my Saturday night as I spend all my Saturday nights — I'm just flipping through the C-SPANs. C-SPAN 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 'cause I'm trying to find this show on the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act that I wanted to watch. Did you know that it was almost called the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? It's really quite an interesting story. Anyway, I come across this horribly frightening image. [picture of President Bush standing next to impersonator Steve Bridges] The President of the United States of America, who is now apparently reproducing asexually. He is somehow cloning himself via spores in an effort to create a mammoth, 10,000-strong Bush army, and, uh, I was scared to death. Turns out it's a bit at what's called the White House Correspondents' Dinner. It's the dinner where the White House press corps and the government consummate their loveless marriage. So anyway, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life, the two Bushes dueling and making the jokes like, "I'm stupid!" "No, you're stupid!" — very very amusing... but then I see this young fella on the screen. [picture of Stephen Colbert, greeted with huge applause] Captivating. Captivating. Delivered a twenty-minute keynote address that I can only describe as "ballsalicious." Uh... it really was something to behold. Apparently he was under the impression that they'd hired him to do the thing he does on television every night! Anyway, I'm sure he'll be talking about it at 11:30, but boy, we've never been prouder of our Mr. Colbert, and, uh... holy shit.
 * Reaction to Stephen Colbert's address at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association dinner, May 1, 2006

 * Six, six, oh six... Day of the devil? Or regular numerical sequence?! [thunder claps and lightning flashes ominously] Here's the thing about all the hype on the news and the marketing tie-ins, etc.: it's not 6/6/6, it's 6/6/06. It's not even 6/6/06, it's 6/06/2006. You think god's gonna send the Four Horsemen based on a typo?! It's not happening. Forty years ago was 6/6/66, then you might have had something right there. That would've been the time. The only it was really 6/6/6 was June 6 in the year 6, which, at the time, wasn't even called 6. All I'm saying is if you think we're all going to Hell today, I can't even imagine where you think we're going on July 11th. Yes, yes, it is prophesied in the Book of Leviticus that the beefs shall be jerkied and the gulps shall be big.
 * (June 6, 2006)

 * In their bathrobes! Gambling in their bathrobes! Yes, because casinos have such high standards. Ever been to a casino? You can play naked if you want. You can masturbate at the roulette table. Just keep giving them money.
 * In response to a senator's criticism that people can gamble online in their bathrobes (July 12, 2006)

 * Well, I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching -- and I know you're not -- I think it's time we buried the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox, I'm on Comedy Central; how 'bout the Food Network? This Rachael Ray seems like a peacemaker. We can work this out, because I know that you're a good person, deep down in your... [gestures wordlessly at his chest] the thing that they replaced your heart with that pumps the... I know you have redeeming qualities! I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when you're on television, you let others shine while you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know that in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag. But that's not an "air of grandeur," that's just mean! And sophomoric! [earnestly] And I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe... you are a terrible person.
 * Reaction to Robert Novak publicly stating that he'd never seen any of Stewert's criticisms of him on The Daily Show, that he intended never to watch the show, and that Stewart was a "self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur"

 * Jon Stewart: I'm joined now by Senior Comparative Presidential Historian, John Oliver. Uh, Bush and Lincoln? Clearly the pundits are trying to make that comparison. Is this a fair comparison? John Oliver: It's not a comparison at all, Jon. It's an opening bid. The first salvo by the President in the negotiation over where he'll rank among his predecessors. Obviously, he's starting high. He knows he's not going to GET Lincoln; it's just part of the game. Bush opens with Lincoln; America comes back with "Harding." Bush says, "Harding? You're killing me here! I'm at least Eisenhower!" America says, "I'm sorry, we can't go any higher than Hoover." And so on and so forth, until we all settle on something in the low "Van Buren" range. Jon Stewart: Are there any similarities, historically, between Bush and Lincoln? John Oliver: There are some, Jon. Both men presided over civil wars. One ours and historically inevitable; one someone else's and ridiculously evitable. Both men suspended the writ of habeas corpus, although Lincoln did mention it publicly. And, of course, both weren't afraid of the grand gesture: we all remember Lincoln on the deck of the USS Monitor hailing the end of Civil War combat operations three years before the South actually surrendered.
 * About the media coverage surrounding President Bush's plan to send 20,000 more troops into Iraq (January 10, 2007)

 * Jon Stewart: But John, pardon me but that sounds like Bullshit! John Oliver: Bullshit? Or is it Bull-fact?
 * April 2007

 * Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I'm currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.
 * John Oliver, referring to the writer's strike (January 7, 2008)

 * You know, I'm sorry. Normally we have all the writers. We've got a big group of people kicking that soundbite around, but right now it's just me. So... let me see if I can, just quickly, whip something up here; erm... erm... ooh! I've got something. FUCK YOU!
 * Response to Mitt Romney's concession speech wherein he declares that allowing the Democrats to win would be a "surrender to terror" (February 7, 2008)

 * These guys are the '27 Yankees of dodging questions. The '55 Dodgers of yanking Congress' chain. [...] Jon, this is once in a generation bullshit.
 * John Oliver, on government response at Congressional Hearings (July 22, 2008)

 * [ Michelle Obama ]'s a Democrat. She must prove she loves America. As opposed to Republicans, who everyone knows love America—they just hate half the people living in it! [audience applauds] Apparently they're all here tonight.

 * Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.
 * [http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=185186&title=Tony-Blair-Pt.-2/ Interview with Tony Blair, (September 18, 2008)

 * I think that's our biggest problem right there.
 * On George Bush's comment that he "doesn't think America has any problems"
 * Interview with Tony Blair (September 18, 2008)

 * Guantanamo Bay isn't a prison, it's a leadership camp!

 * See, all of this "real America" and "fake America" can get a little hard to figure out. For instance, you may live in a small town, where they make good people, but you live in a gay state, like Massachusetts—are you real or are you fake? Or you may live in a big city, but still have a healthy mistrust of Muslims. So for those of you who are confused as to whether or not you're a real American, it's actually quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out here. [pulls out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation] Just multiply your town's population (P) by the average price of a local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup), plus its number of art-house movie theaters (house), times the number of streets named for Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK); then divide by the number of pieces of identification you need to buy a Sudafed in your town (pill), times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the actual number of truckers (trucker hat), multiply that by 1 over the houses of worship—not counting synagogues, of course (cross)—minus the number of bars in your town. That's supposed to be a bottle. If the answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that you're a real American.
 * Reaction to Sarah Palin's comments on how small towns are "real America" (October 20, 2008)

 * I kinda had just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the Pro-America parts of the country and I think I might have said, in response to that, I think I might have said, uhh, FUCK YOU and uhh that's just my way of saying it's a profanity to say and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this and I'm not. It's really this whole theme, that there is more American areas or some people love the country and some people don't. So I guess what I meant to say was Fuck all y'all!
 * Second reaction to Palin's comments (October 20, 2008)

 * [in response to John McCain's use of air quotes with regards to women's health in the third presidential debate] Thank you, John McCain, for finally exposing the seedy underbelly of the women’s "health" scam… Let’s face it: women loooove abortions, and will do anything to get one – the later the better. "Hemorrhages," "severe uterine infections," "dying," blah blah blah blah. And while we’re at it, enough with the whining about “rape,” “incest,” and "incest rape." We’re on to you, ladies. Those aren’t the golden ticket to the Abortion Factory, okay? Listen, John McCain has finally put the concerns of women where they belong: in derisive air quotes! And this transcends politics, Jon. Reasonable people can disagree about abortion, but still agree on the unimportance of women's health. It's about equality. And I'm sure if John McCain was raped, and has a baby growing in his penis, he would want it publicly discussed in the same level of abstraction without concern for his specific "life." Or..."penis."
 * Samantha Bee, John McCain's Air Quotes (October 28, 2008)

 * I have great fondness and affection for John McCain, I would have voted for him, if he had made it, against Gore, quite frankly, in 2000. The guy that I see now, putting air quotes around women's health, and doing all the things that he does, I don't know what that is. And if that's a strategy that's disingenuous from how he really thinks, then my opinion of him is even lower.
 * Interview with Bill Kristol, October 30, 2008

 * If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values—they're hobbies.  You know, one of the genius moves of The Founders was not writing The Bill of Rights on the back window of a dusty van.
 * Reaction to clip of Bill O'Reilly disagreeing with Barack Obama's inaugural speech statement that America does not need to compromise its values in order to protect itself.

 * Jon Stewart: It's a new era, Gitmo. We, in America, are done sacrificing civil liberties to fight the War on Terror. President Obama said so. Gitmo: Yay! Gitmo love President Obama! Gitmo finally see Promise of America! It's a new beginning for all of us! Yay! [...] You know Gitmo and all of Gitmo's friends still want to kill you—you know that, right? We want to destroy your way of life. Jon Stewart: Yeah, we get it, Gitmo. But with these abuses we're doing that for you. Gitmo: You're not safe. Don't you want to be safe? Jon Stewart: Gitmo, there is no safe! No matter what we do, there is no guarantee of our safety. That is the price of a free society. So—finally—we're going to do what's right. Gitmo: I'm very scary. Jon Stewart: Gitmo, this has nothing to do with you! You can't define us. It's about not letting fear do that. [...] We can safeguard ourselves well using smart and legal tactics.

 * It's nice to see that even in retirement Dick Cheney is still making the time to scare the shit out of people. So many people retire and just stop doing the thing they love. But not him. Yes, apparently less than two weeks after riding off into the sunset—which he has to do, because he's allergic to sun—Dick Cheney wanted to make clear that if anything happens now, it's the new guy's fault. [...] Ooh, I have a question. What if we're hit again by a guy who's really sad because his whole family was killed in Iraq—who's responsible for that? Or what if someone got pissed off at us because his brother was potato sacked and bound and kept in a cage without a lawyer for seven years on an island in the Caribbean—who's responsible for that? Or! If Al-Qaeda on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border had time to reconstitute and devise another attack because we pulled all our resources into invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11—who's responsible for that? I'm gonna go with, hold on... who's responsible for that? I'm gonna have to go with... Obama. Y'know, over the years we have tried very hard to make Dick Cheney look evil, but in kind of a cute way. Y'know, kinda funny, cartoonish, lot of Darth Vader jokes, funny pictures, man-sized safe, then we did that funny wheelchair mock-up. It was all really funny and we called the segment You Don't Know Dick; it was kinda light-hearted and all that, but you know what? Fuck it. He no longer deserves any satirical protection, any glib patina of sugar-coating. We are now officially changing the name of his segment. [New animated titles for Why Are You Such a Dick? play.]

 * People always talk to me about, "Who are your influences? What makes you do what you do?" I can say, I draw a line—I do what I do because of Bruce Springsteen, and I'll tell you why: You introduced me to the concept of The Other Side. You introduced me to the concept of: you go through the tunnel and you take a chance, and you can work to get away from your circumstance. And by working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there's no guarantee. [...] But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream, and that was my inspiration for leaving New Jersey and goin' to New York. And bless you, my friend. You're the Man. So I just wanted to thank you personally from the bottom of my heart for giving me something to put into the dashboard as I drove a U-Haul van through the Holland Tunnel.
 * Interview with Bruce Springsteen, March 19, 2009

 * [quietly] I guess there's one more thing I want to say to him... uh, if you're heading out from uptown, take 42nd Street west to 9th Avenue, make a left, go down four blocks, Lincoln Tunnel's on your right, and you know what? [taking E-ZPass out of his pocket] Here's my E-ZPass, get the fuck out of here.
 * Conclusion to a segment about Rush Limbaugh's announcement that he was moving himself and his show out of New York City to escape its high taxes, April 1, 2009

 * IOWA?! Iowa says banning gay marriage is unconstitutional? This was last year's Iowa Gay Pride parade. [Shows clip from "The Straight Story", with Alvin Straight riding a lawn mower on a country road] They are the aortic valve of the heartland of America. They are now officially more progressive than California.

Sean Hannity (clip): Absolutely. Against tyranny. Jon Stewart: Yes, "tyranny". A/k/a our democratically elected President. You know what guys, meet me at camera 3 for a second — I think you might be confusing tyranny with losing. And I feel for you because ah... I've been there. A few times. In fact, one of them was a bit of a nailbiter. But see, when the guy that you disagree with gets elected, he's probably going to do things you disagree with. He could cut taxes on the wealthy, remove government's oversight capability, invade a country that you thought should not be invaded, but that's not tyranny. That's democracy. See, now you're in the minority. It's supposed to taste like a shit taco. And by the way, if I remember correctly when disagreement was expressed about that president's actions when y'all were in power I believe the response was "why do you hate America?", "watch what you say", "love it or leave it", "suck on my truck nuts".
 * Michelle Bachmann (clip): We're gonna fight for our freedom.

 * To say that comedians have to decide whether they're comedians or social commentators, uh… comedians do social commentary, through comedy. That’s how it’s worked for thousands of years. I have not moved out of the comedians box, into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.
 * "Bernie Golberg Fires Back", April 20th 2010 Segment of the Daily Show.

 * Sarcasm - I get it now! See at the time I thought your jokey manner was just the way you were sublimating your shame over the discomfort you feel deep in your soul after extinguishing the last smoldering embers of any of your program’s journalistic bona fides!
 * Reacting to Starbucks-sponsored MSNBC show Morning Joe’s taking Stewart to task for not getting their “sarcasm” over their praise of Starbucks coffee. Morning Joe's Sarcastic Starbucks Sponsorship, June 8, 2009

 * However you felt about the man, whatever your opinions are, I believe we—as a people—should make a rule that once you die … whatever derisive nickname that we used for you, it dies with you. So can we stop calling him 'Jacko' now? … After you die, can a brother get a 'Mr. Jackson'?

 * I guess it's an efficiency thing. You don't want to waste tax-payer money giving it to someone who advises fake prostitutes how to commit imaginary crimes, you want to give it to Halliburton because they're committing real gang rape.

Interview with Mike Huckabee (December 9, 2008)
Stewart and Huckabee discussed fiscal and social conservatism; the second part of the interview focused on their differing views on same-sex marriage.

 * This gets to the crux of it. I think it's the difference between what you think gay people are and what I do. And I live in New York City, so I'm going to make a supposition that I have more experience being around them. And I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. [...] We protect religion and talk about a lifestyle choice. That is absolutely a lifestyle choice. Gay people do not choose to be gay. At what age did you decide not to be gay?

 * You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think—I think it's that. I think it's absolute—it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.

 * You keep talking about it would be redefining a word. And it feels like semantics is cold comfort when it comes to humanity.

 * I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

CNBC Criticism and Jim Cramer Interview (March 2009)
On March 12, 2009, television personality Jim Cramer appeared as a guest on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The host of CNBC's Mad Money, Cramer appeared in response to host Jon Stewart's highly-publicized week-long criticism of CNBC.

 * If I’d only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today. Provided I’d started with a hundred million dollars.... That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!
 * Reaction to clip of Maria Bartiromo interviewing John Thain for CNBC.

 * Between the two of them, I can't decide which one I'd rather see in jail.
 * Reaction to clip of a CNBC reporter asking Allen Stanford if it's "fun being a billionaire?" After the CNBC clip aired, the SEC said Stanford and his accomplices were running a massive Ponzi scheme.

 * Isn’t the Dow Jones Industrial Average just a short twitch numerical representation of a bunch of guesses about other people’s assumptions about the financial well-being of an arbitrarily chosen group of 30 out of TENS OF THOUSANDS OF POSSIBLE COMPANIES? NO! YOU’RE WRONG! It is a real-time cause-and-effect precision barometer of how the President is doing! It’s been that way for years!

 * You don't have to make comedian sound like a venereal disease. He's a comedian. He's gonorrhea. [...] And variety show? You make me sound like some kind of buffoon, just flapping my arms to crazy sound effects. [Montage of sound effects from Mad Money plays.] Yeah! Like that guy! Whoever he is.
 * Reaction to clip of Jim Cramer's appearance on The Today Show discussing Stewart's criticism.

 * I don't know about the markets. That's why I don't make the claim to any authority. That's why my network doesn't have the slogan "In Stewart We Trust." They don't want people to think I'm God. Now of course, I probably wouldn't have a problem if Cramer's slogan was Cramer: He's right sometimes or He's like a dartboard that talks or You feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?
 * Reaction to clip of Jim Cramer on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough.

 * Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

 * Dora: Doesn't Jim Cramer understand that it's not about individual mistakes he's made, it's about him creating a false sense of urgency that helped hyperinflate the bubble! Stewart: I mean, that was kinda the point. Boots: Do you want me to throw feces on him? Stewart: No, Boots. That's OK. [...] Dora: And Joe Scarborough is accusing you of being a cherry-picking ideologue? [...] Why is everyone being such a pendejo? [...] It means jackass in Spanish. [...] Stewart: Hooray for the pendejos!

 * It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to disappoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
 * On his scheduled interview with Jim Cramer.

 * Mr. Cramer, don't you destroy enough dough on your own show? Boom goes the dynamite! [Laughs.] How weird is our world when Jim Cramer's on TV baking pie and Martha Stewart is the one who went to jail for Securities fraud? That's weird.
 * Reaction to clip of Jim Cramer on The Martha Stewart Show earlier that day beating cold pie dough with a rolling pin after being asked by Martha Stewart to "pretend it's Jon Stewart."

 * CNBC sells itself as financial experts. And they have the access to the CEOs. And yet, they didn't catch any of this. And here they are blaming people who don't have the financial expertise and saying that they're part of the problem. [...] It seems like the banks and those that cheerlead them turned an arithmetic problem into a geometric one. They took a linear debt issue and by turning it into derivatives and securities and all that, now it's a gigantic problem. So, shouldn't we yell at them?

 * So, let me tell you why I think this thing has caught some attention. It's the gap between what CNBC advertises itself as and what it is. And the help that people need to discern this.

 * Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?

 * I want the Jim Cramer on CNBC to protect me from that Jim Cramer.
 * Referring to the video from TheStreet.com of Jim Cramer discussing how to manipulate the market.

 * When you talk about the regulators [going after market manipulation], why not the financial news networks? That's the whole point of this. CNBC could be an incredibly powerful tool of illumination for people that believe that there are two markets. One that has been sold to us as long-term: Put your money in 401Ks, put your money in pensions and just leave it there, don't worry about it, it's all doing fine. And then there's this other market, this real market that's occurring in a back room where giant piles of money are going in and out, and people are trading them, and it's transactional, and it's fast but it's dangerous, it's ethically dubious and it's hurting that long-term market. And so what it feels like—and I'm speaking purely as a layman—it feels like we are capitalizing your adventure by our pension, and our hard-earned—and that it is a game that you know, that you know is going on, but that you go on television as a financial network and pretend isn't happening.

 * I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

 * I understand you want to make finance entertaining, but it's not a fucking game. And I, I—when I watch that, I get—I can't tell you how angry it makes me. 'Cause what it says to me is: You all know. You all know what's going on and you can draw a straight line from those shenanigans to the all that stuff that was being pulled at Bear, and at AIG. And all of this derivative market stuff that is this weird Wall Street side bet. [...] You knew what the banks were doing and yet were touting it for months and months. The entire network was. So now to pretend that this was some sort of crazy, once-in-a-lifetime tsunami that no one could have seen coming is disingenuous at best and criminal at worst.

 * The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?

 * It's very easy to get on this after the fact. The measure of the network and the measure of the man is—CNBC could act as [...] nobody's asking for them to be a regulatory agency. But whose side are they on? It feels like they have to reconcile: is their audience the Wall Street traders that are doing this for constant profit on a day-to-day, short-term—these guys at these companies were on a Sherman's March through their companies, financed by our 401Ks, and all the incentives of their companies were for short-term profit. And they burned the fucking house down with our money and they walked away rich as hell. And you guys knew that that was going on.

 * As Carly Simon would say, this song ain't about you.

 * Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

 * When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich"—how is that any different than an infomercial?

 * There's a market for cocaine and hookers!
 * Responding to Jim Cramer saying there's a market for CNBC's shows.

 * What is the responsibility of the people who cover Wall Street? Who are you responsible to? The people with the 401Ks and the pensions and the general public or the Wall Street traders—and by the way, this casts aspersion on all of Wall Street when that's unfair, as well! The majority of those guys are good guys. They're working their asses off, they're really bright guys. I know a lot of 'em, they're just trying to do the right thing and they're gettin' fucked in this thing, too!

 * I'm under the assumption, and maybe this is purely ridiculous, but I'm under the assumption that you don't just take their word at face value. That you actually then go around and try to figure it out. So, I again—you now become the face of this and that is incredibly unfortunate. Because you are not the face of it, you shouldn't be the face of it. You are the person that was I-don't-know-what enough to stand up and go, "Hey, that's wasn't fair!" Which, it's not because this show isn't fair. And you can tell Doucheborough that it's not supposed to be fair. [...] That's not our job.

 * Stewart: As is very clear from the tape that you have on the internet, there is the letter of the law and the intent of the law. And I think, clearly, that it would be a great service to the American public if there was an organization out there—not just the SEC, but a news organization that was trying to maintain the intent of this and force companies to still have growth and profit, but not in a way that burns down the entire field. Y'know, my mother is 75. And she bought into the idea that long-term investing was the way to go. And guess what? Cramer: It didn't work. Stewart: [nods] So maybe we could remove the "financial expert" and In Cramer We Trust and get back to the fundamentals in reporting, as well, and I can go back to making fart noises and funny faces. Cramer: I think we make that deal right here. [Stewart and Cramer shake hands.]

 * That was our show! [...] I hope that was as uncomfortable to watch as it was to do.
 * Closing of the March 12, 2009 show before the Moment of Zen.

2010-2015

 * Jessica: What does the word "tyrant" mean to you as opposed to what it means to everybody else? Larry Kilgore: "Tyrant" means to me somebody like Hitler or Lincoln who comes in and murders the people for their own political gain. Jessica: You think Lincoln's a tyrant? Larry: Yes, ma'am. Jessica: That's not something you normally hear. Larry: No it is not, but Lincoln and Hitler are very similar, but most Americans aren't aware of it. Jessica: I'm sorry, I'm confused. Larry: Hitler was the one that killed six million Jews. Lincoln was the one that killed six hundred thousand Americans. Jessica: Was Lincoln the one that gave a lot of liberties to people as well? Larry: [long pause] Not that I know of. Jessica: "[who is African American]" No liberties that you can think of? Larry: No, ma'am.
 * Jessica Williams interviewing Texas secessionist Larry Kilgore (February 21, 2013)

 * So now, instead of being spied on by the Executive Branch, it turns out we're being spied on by all the branches. I think— I think you're misunderstanding the perceived problem here, Mr. President. No one is saying that you broke any laws. We're just saying, it's a little bit weird that you didn't have to.
 * John Oliver, responding to clips of the Executive Branch's PRISM surveillance program, the Judicial Branch's FISA court's 100% approval of NSA's 1,789 surveillance requests in 2012, and President Obama's assertion that Congress has been "continually briefed about these are conducted", end of first segment, 0:09:50 ff (June 10, 2013)

 * You shouldn't have talking points about a person before that person can talk!
 * John Oliver, criticizing MSNBC and Fox News efforts to use UK newborn Prince George of Cambridge to discuss unrelated U.S. controversies, second segment, 0:12:40 ff (August 5, 2013)

 * So what I'm getting from Fox is this: Exploiting government largess, while reprehensive and morally corrupting for an individual, is A-OK for corporations. So, maybe this'll help: Don't think about food stamps, and Head Start, and programs like that as feeding and helping a small child. Think about it as investing in a promising start-up with a liquidity problem.
 * End of 1st segment (March 13, 2014)

 * I think we drum good people out of politics who are defined by the single worst thing they've ever done, as opposed to the context of their public lives, and I think we make it much, much easier for people who have no business holding office to enter the process, because when you're not talking about ideas and world views and agendas, when you're talking about character and personality, it makes it very easy for someone to float through the process without ever having to explain themselves or demonstrate what they know.
 * Matt Bai, October 13 2014, end of third segment; discussing his book All the Truth Is Out: The Week Politics Went Tabloid

 * If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy.
 * The Eric Garner Grand Jury Decision, December 4, 2014

 * Maybe a more nuanced alert system could allow for more productive intervention beyond “You have ten seconds to disperse”. Or we can agree to keep ignoring the roots of how systemically, historically disenfranchised many African American communities still are, only paying attention to them when we fear their periodic, fiery ball of anger threatens to enter our airspace, and once again breathing a blissful sigh of forgetful relief when it’s another near miss.
 * Baltimore on Fire, April 29, 2015

Charleston Church Shooting, June 19, 2015

 * What blows my mind is the disparity of response between when we think people that are foreign are going to kill us and us killing ourselves. If this had been what we thought was Islamic terrorism, it would fit into our… We invaded two countries, and spent trillions of dollars and thousand of American lives and now fly unmanned death machines over, like, five or six different countries, all to keep Americans safe. We got to do whatever we can, we’ll torture people. We got to do whatever we can to keep Americans safe. Nine people, shot in a church, what about that? “Hey what are you gonna do? Crazy is crazy, right?” That’s the part that I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around.

 * I heard someone on the news say, well, "tragedy has visited this church”. This wasn’t a tornado. This was a racist. This was a guy with a Rhodesia badge on his sweater. You know, I hate to even use this pun, but this one is black and white. There’s no nuance here. And we’re gonna keep pretending like “I don’t get it, what happened, there’s one guy who lost his mind”, but we are steeped in that culture in this country and we refuse to recognize it.

 * The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals, and the white guy is the one who feels like his country is being taken away from him. We’re bringing it on ourselves. And that’s the thing, Al-Qaeda, all those guys, ISIS, they’re not shit compared to the damage that we can apparently do to ourselves on a regular basis.

2024

 * The stakes of this election don't make Donald Trump's  opponent less subject to less scrutiny; it actually makes him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at the gate, you want  Conan standing on the ramparts, not chocolate chip cookie guy.

 * I've learned one thing over these last nine years, and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this -- the work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pail fucking job, day in and day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart, and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen and grind away on issues 'til they get a positive result, and even then, have to stay on to make sure that result holds. So the good news is, I'm not saying you don't have worry about who wins the election. I'm saying you have to worry about every day before it, and every day after it, forever. Although... on the plus side, I am told that, at some point, the sun will run out of hydrogen.

 * Jon: Professor! Tell me, what is step one in delivering world-class fealty to power? Tucker Carlson: [recording] Here's why we're doing it: First, because it's our job. We're in journalism. Jon: "Lie about what your job is." Tucker Carlson: [recording] Our duty is to inform people. Jon: "Lie about what your duty is." Tucker Carlson: [recording] Americans have a right to know all they can about a war they're implicated in; freedom of speech is our birthright -- we were born with the right to say what we believe. Jon: Oh, shit... Kudos, sensei! That was deep -- I have much to learn. "Disguise your deception and capitulation to power as noble and moral and based in freedom." Yes, master...
 * Stewart commenting on Tucker Carlson's interview with Vladimir Putin (February 19, 2024)

 * Your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying all of Gaza... Uh... doesn’t that just make more Hamases? Is that the plural of Hamas? Hamassi? I mean, Palestinian liberation is an idea, unless you have a bomb that kills ideas — do you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how long would it even take to bomb the shit out of an idea?

 * Yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a fucking chance!

 * So this is the terrible cycle America is caught in: Democrats whose high-minded principles and values did not survive a contact-high with reality, and Republicans whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it. And no one wins.

 * Look, if you wanna love Trump, love him. Go to the rallies, buy the sneakers. You want to give him absolute power? You want him to be the leader über alles? You want him to have the right of kings? You do you. But stop framing it as patriotism.

 * The fuck are we doing here? The subtext of all this is, America knows this is wrong. But it apparently doesn't have the courage to say it in a straightforward manner. America and Israel both know that you cannot bomb your way into safety. We learned that lesson in Iraq and Afghanistan. They learned it in Southern Lebanon. They laid seige there, occupied the southern area for 20 years, all it did was birth and strengthen Hezbollah. And they're about to do it all over again, and we are letting them. Real friends take the fucking keys, because friends don't let friends... bomb that much.

 * Whether it's globalization or industrialization or now Artificial Intelligence, the way of life that you are accustomed to is no match for the promise of more profits and new markets, which sounds brutal! ...if you're a human.

 * Kudos to the United States and to Israel! It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.

 * Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we in the West drew your region's borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, um... we expected a little better.

 * Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen. But none of us are going to notice, because [of] the hours spent on his speculative facial tics -- if the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane bullshit is earth-shattering, we won't believe you when it's really interesting!

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Cast

 * Trevor Noah — Host (2015–2022)
 * Jon Stewart — Host (1999–2015, 2024)
 * Craig Kilborn — Host (1996–1998)
 * Samantha Bee — Correspondent (2003–present)
 * Steve Carell — Correspondent (1999–2005)
 * Stephen Colbert — Correspondent (1997–2005)
 * Rob Corddry — Correspondent (2002–2006)
 * Ed Helms — Correspondent (2002–present)
 * Mo Rocca — Correspondent
 * Vance DeGeneres — Correspondent
 * Rob Riggle — Correspondent
 * Brian Unger — Correspondent
 * Stacey Grenrock–Woods — Correspondent
 * Beth Littleford — Correspondent
 * Bob Wiltfong — Correspondent (2004–present)
 * Lewis Black — Contributor, 'Back in Black' (1996–present)
 * Frank DeCaro — Contributor, 'Out at the Movies' (1996–2003)
 * Dave Attell — Contributor, 'The Ugly American' (1999–2002)
 * Michael Blieden — Contributor (1996–1999)
 * John Bloom — Contributor, 'God Stuff' (1996–1998) (as Joe Bob Briggs)
 * A. Whitney Brown — Correspondent (1996–1998)
 * Rich Brown — Contributor, 'Public Excess' (1999–2000)
 * Demetri Martin — Contributor, 'Trendspotting' (2005–present)
 * John Oliver — Correspondent (2006–2013)
 * Wyatt Cenac — Correspondent (2008— present)
 * ''Ronny Chieng — Correspondent (2015–present)

About The Daily Show

 * Judging solely by the amount of media attention it got, you'd think The Daily Show, when the vaunted Jon Stewart was host, was the most-watched show of the 21st Century. You'd be wrong. It rarely made the top 100 rated shows of the week. Yes, you heard that right. The Daily Show, even with Jon Stewart as host, routinely garnered fewer viewers than reruns of Family Guy on the Cartoon Network. Yet when Stuart spoke, the media listened, even though the people didn't.
 * Derek Hunter, Outrage, Inc.: How the Liberal Mob Ruined Science, Journalism, and Hollywood (2018, Harper Collins)

 * I think Stewart’s show demonstrated the decline and vacuity of contemporary comedy. I cannot stand that smug, snarky, superior tone. I hated the fact that young people were getting their news through that filter of sophomoric snark… I find nothing incisive in his work. As for his influence, if he helped produce the hackneyed polarisation of moral liberals versus evil conservatives, then he’s partly at fault for the political stalemate in the United States.
 * Camille Paglia, as quoted by Luke Morgan Britan, "Before Calling Taylor Swift A ‘Nazi Barbie’, Camille Paglia Laid Into Plenty Of Other Celebrities", NME.com, Dec 11, 2015; retrieved 15 September 2017

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: The Daily Show


text:
User talk:221.197.18.150

This IP has been blocked from editing at Wikiquote because it has been used by a persistent vandal to post unwanted commercial advertisements here. Wikiquote is a non-profit, non-commercial, public service site, not a place for gratuitous advertising. If you are not this vandal, you can notify your Internet service provider of this activity, so that this violation of ethical standards, internet etiquette, and in some places the legal statutes can be addressed by the proper authorities. If you are this vandal and this behavior persists much longer, notifications WILL be sent to the contacts available to the Internet service providers at the CNCGROUP Tianjin province network and complaints to abuse@cnc-noc.net. If this behavior ends, no notice will be sent to any ISP by me, and after a period of two weeks these notices that have been posted here will be removed. ~ Kalki

title: User talk:221.197.18.150


text:
Martin Scorsese

Martin Charles Scorsese (born November 17, 1942) is an American film director, screenwriter, producer, actor, and film historian.

Quotes

 * There is no such thing as pointless violence. City of God, is that pointless violence? It's reality, it's real life, it has to do with the human condition. Being involved in Christianity and Catholicism when I was very young, you have that innocence, the teachings of Christ. Deep down you want to think that people are really good - but the reality outweighs that.
 * Scorsese: No Such Thing As Pointless Violence, WENN (10 October 2004).

 * Movies touch our hearts, and awaken our vision, and change the way we see things. They take us to other places. They open doors and minds. Movies are the memories of our lifetime. We need to keep them alive.
 * "The Film Foundation Main page".

 * I don't think there is any difference between fantasy and reality in the way these should be approached in a film. Of course if you live that way you are clinically insane.
 * Scorcese on Scorsese, "Mean Streets—Alice Doesn't Live here Anymore—Taxi Driver".

 * I always tell the younger film-makers and students: Do it like the painters used to...Study the old masters. Enrich your palette. Expand the canvas. There's always so much more to learn.
 * Scorsese: A Personal Journey through American Movies.

 * I don't really see a conflict between the church and movies, the sacred and the profane. Obviously, there are major differences, but I can also see great similarities between a church and a movie house. Both are places for people to come together and share a common experience. I believe there is a spirituality in films, even if it's not one which can supplant faith.
 * Scorsese: A Personal Journey through American Movies.

 * Mean Streets dealt with the American Dream, according to which everybody thinks they can get rich quick, and if they can't do it by legal means then they'll do it by illegal ones.
 * Scorsese on Scorsese, "Mean Streets—Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore—Taxi Driver".

Quotes about Martin Scorsese

 * I like Martin Scorsese as a director very much.
 * 2007 interview in Conversations with Bharati Mukherjee Edited by Bradley C. Edwards (2009)

title: Martin Scorsese


text:
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV special)

 * For the 2000 live-action film, see Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film). For the 2018 Illumination film, see The Grinch (film).

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas is a 1966 animated television show about a grumpy hermit who hatches a plan to steal Christmas from the Whos of Whoville.
 * Directed by Chuck Jones and Ben Washam, based on the book by Dr. Seuss, with additional story by Bob Ogle and Irv Spector.

Narrator
The Grinch hated Christmas — the whole Christmas season. Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all... may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. Well, in Who-ville they say... that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day! And then... the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten grinches... plus two. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand. Heart to heart… and hand in hand.
 * Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch... who lived just north of Whoville... did not.
 * And what happened then?
 * [last lines] Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer.

Dialogue
They're just waking up, and I know just what they'll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, "Boo hoo". That's a noise… And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low… then it started to grow. Dah who doraze. Welcome, Christmas, come this way. Fah who foraze. Dah who doraze. Welcome, Christmas, come this way. Welcome, welcome. Fah who rahmus. Welcome, welcome. Dah who dahmus. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as…'' Why… this sound sounded glad! [Whos still singing] Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small... was singing... without any presents at all! He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! It came! Somehow or other… it came just the same! And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling. It came without tags… It came without packages, boxes or bags. "Maybe Christmas…", he thought, "…Doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more".
 * Grinch: Pooh-pooh to the Whos!
 * Narrator: He was grinchily humming.
 * Grinch: They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming.
 * Narrator: The Grinch said.
 * Grinch: …That I simply must hear!
 * Narrator: So he paused… and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
 * Whos: ''[singing] Fah who foraze.
 * Narrator: But this... this sound wasn't sad.
 * Grinch: How could it be so? [grabs Max] It came without ribbons…
 * Narrator: He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore, then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Lyrics written by Dr. Seuss.

You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch! You're a bad banana with a... greasy black peel!''
 * ''You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

You're a nasty wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote "Stink, stank, stunk!"''
 * ''You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.

Voice cast

 * Boris Karloff - The Grinch / Narrator
 * June Foray - Cindy Lou Who
 * Dal McKennon - Max
 * Thurl Ravenscroft - Singer


text:
Labyrinth

The Labyrinth (Greek λαβύρινθος labyrinthos) of Greek mythology, was an elaborate structure designed and built by the legendary Daedalus for King Minos of Crete at Knossos, to hold the Minotaur, a mythical creature that was half man and half bull which was eventually killed by the Athenian hero Theseus. In colloquial English, labyrinth is generally synonymous with maze, but some people observe a distinction, using maze to refer to a complex branching (multicursal) puzzle with choices of path and direction, and using labyrinth for a single, non-branching (unicursal) path, which leads to the center. A labyrinth in this sense has an unambiguous route to the center and back and is not designed to be difficult to navigate.
 * For the 1986 fantasy film see Labyrinth (film)

Quotes

 * Damn it, how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?
 * Simón Bolívar, in a statement made in the last months of his life, occasionally said to be his last words, and portrayed as such in The General in His Labyrinth (1990) by Gabriel García Márquez, as translated by Edith Grossman, p. 267

 * I thought of a labyrinth of labyrinths, of one sinuous spreading labyrinth that would encompass the past and the future and in some way involve the stars.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "The Garden of Forking Paths" in The Garden of Forking Paths (1942)

 * A labyrinth of symbols… An invisible labyrinth of time.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "The Garden of Forking Paths" in The Garden of Forking Paths (1942)

 * Ts'ui Pe must have said once: I am withdrawing to write a book. And another time: I am withdrawing to construct a labyrinth. Every one imagined two works; to no one did it occur that the book and the maze were one and the same thing.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "The Garden of Forking Paths" in The Garden of Forking Paths (1942)

 * In the work of Ts'ui Pên, all possible outcomes occur; each one is the point of departure for other forkings. Sometimes, the paths of this labyrinth converge: for example, you arrive at this house, but in one of the possible pasts you are my enemy, in another, my friend.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "The Garden of Forking Paths" in The Garden of Forking Paths (1942)

 * There's no need to build a labyrinth when the entire universe is one.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "Ibn-Hakim Al-Bokhari, Murdered in His Labyrinth", in The Aleph (1949); tr. Andrew Hurley, Collected Fictions (1998)

 * The minotaur more than justifies the existence of the labyrinth.
 * Jorge Luis Borges, in "Ibn-Hakim Al-Bokhari, Murdered in His Labyrinth", in The Aleph (1949); tr. Andrew Hurley, Collected Fictions (1998)

 * I wanted to create a labyrinth which would somehow help to prevent a compositional idea from establishing itself all too quickly. I had the idea of working on all the walls pretty well at the same time,as if they were one large painting completely surrounding me. By constantly wandering in the labyrinth I sought to realise a form of “de-composition”
 * Günter Brus, in Nervous Stillness on the Horizon (2006)

 * Reason is Life's sole arbiter, the magic Laby'rinth's single clue: Worlds lie above, beyond its ken; what crosses it can ne'er be true.
 * Richard Francis Burton, The Kasîdah of Hâjî Abdû El-Yezdî (1870)

 * The very scientist who, in the service of the sinful king, was the brain behind the horror of the labyrinth, quite as readily can serve the purposes of freedom. But the hero-heart must be at hand. … Centuries of husbandry, decades of diligent culling, the work of numerous hearts and hands, have gone into the hackling, sorting, and spinning of this tightly twisted yarn. Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
 * Joseph Campbell, in The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), Chapter 1

 * If he is to choose the path of magic then he must choose responsibly, he must know enough about the labyrinth to walk a true path through it.
 * Neil Gaiman in The Books of Magic : The Invisible Labyrinth (1990)

 * I thought that I had found my way to the center of the Invisible Labyrinth; and I had — perhaps — discovered no more than the entrance. Watch my dust.... There is no walking backwards, and I am lost in the Labyrinth Invisible. I cannot retrace my steps. I wrote my name on the wall of the Invisible Labyrinth. I was so diligent in my studies; gave my whole time and heart to the pursuit. I wrote my name but I can find it no longer; My ashes blow like dust around the Invisible Labyrinth.
 * Neil Gaiman in The Books of Magic : The Invisible Labyrinth (1990)

 * She said, "It's not life or death, the labyrinth." "Um, okay. So what is it?" "Suffering," she said. "Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?...Nothing's wrong. But there's always suffering, Pudge. Homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about.
 * John Green, in Looking for Alaska (2005)

 * You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking how you'll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.
 * John Green, in Looking for Alaska (2005)

 * I have designed my style pantomimes as white ink drawings on black backgrounds, so that man’s destiny appears as a thread lost in an endless labyrinth... I have tried to shed some gleams of light on the shadow of man startled by his anguish.
 * Marcel Marceau, as quoted in Wall Street Journal (19 November 1965)

 * My peak? Would I even have one? I hardly had had anything you could call a life. A few ripples. some rises and falls. But that's it. Almost nothing. Nothing born of nothing. I'd loved and been loved, but I had nothing to show. It was a singularly plain, featureless landscape. I felt like I was in a video game. A surrogate Pacman, crunching blindly through a labyrinth of dotted lines. The only certainty was my death.
 * Haruki Murakami, in Dance Dance Dance (1988)

 * The difficulty in dealing with a maze or labyrinth lies not so much in navigating the convolutions to find the exit but in not entering the damn thing in the first place. Or, at least not yet again. As a creature of free will, do not be tempted into futility.
 * Vera Nazarian, in The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

 * A labyrinth is a symbolic journey … but it is a map we can really walk on, blurring the difference between map and world.
 * Rebecca Solnit, in Wanderlust: A History of Walking (2000)

 * This is one of the two great labyrinths into which human minds are drawn: the question of free will versus predestination.
 * Neal Stephenson, Quicksilver (2003)

 * "You mentioned . . . one of the two great labyrinths into which the mind is drawn. What . . . is the other?" "The other is the composition of the continuum, or: what is space?"
 * Neal Stephenson, Quicksilver (2003)

 * Where he had failed, I would triumph. Where he had lost his way, I would find the path out of the labyrinth.
 * Carlos Ruiz Zafón, in The Angel's Game (2008)

title: Labyrinth


text:
Talk:Computers

Universe, programmers and idiots
I believe is has been said by Douglas Adams Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled (1989). Should be able to Google it. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

640k
Wasn't it "640k is ought to be enough for everyone"?

Data torturing
Do we need all the win2k source code comments? You find stuff like that in anything; there's plenty in Linux, and in the video game Homeworld.
 * I have the following quote attributed by AWAD.org to Fred Menger. This article attribues the quote differently.  Rossami 14:30, 8 Dec 2004 (UTC)"If you torture data sufficiently, it will confess to almost anything."

 * If you know of any from Linux or any other system, post them. They are there because they are funny, not just an attack on Microsoft.

Cleanup
I added a cleanup tag to this article because there are quite a few quotes here that have either no source or look like personal quotes from non-notable people or sources, which is against Wikiquote policy. (This is a general problem with Wikiquote articles, but seems excessive on this one.) Also, it could use some copyediting, especially in changing external to internal wiki links and perhaps some format tuning. Could we work on determining which of these quotes are legitimately notable, and otherwise improving this page? — Jeff Q 07:57, 7 Apr 2005
 * It would probably work to make it similar to the Art page. So we could have headings like Bugs, Design Philosophy, Maintenance, and reserve a place at the end for Apocryphal - which will be a huge section! Some of the trash desperately needs to be removed as well. Anyone can come up with a snappy variation on "there are 10 kinds of people...", and they frequently do, but who said it first? --Richiesmit 20:56, 26 September 2005 (UTC)
 * Just had a quick scan through. I think these headings should be enough:

 * Software
 * Operating Systems
 * Software development
 * inc. Bugs (not failure!)
 * inc. Coders' comments
 * Design philosophy
 * inc. User friendliness
 * Maintenance
 * inc. Failure
 * The computing professions
 * Computers and society
 * "Computers don't make mistakes..."
 * "Programming is like sex..."
 * "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things..."
 * The Internet
 * Usenet
 * False predictions
 * "...world market for maybe five computers" etc
 * Computer games
 * Apocryphal
 * See also
 * External links

 * Gah! Just having a hack at reorganising, and it's a nightmare! This is Wikiquote, not Wikisayings!

 * — Richiesmit 21:22, 26 September 2005 (UTC)

 * This page may benefit from more subtopics, but that wasn't what I was talking about when I tagged it with "cleanup". The biggest problem is that this page is littered with unsourced quotes, and there's a good chance that many, perhaps most, of them come from unnotable sources. Right now, I'd be sorely tempted to delete 90% of the quotes simply because they have no source, and hope that people who are so anxious to contribute to this page will get the message and start providing reliable sources that others can use to verify quotes. (This theme likely suffers more than most from bad information rapidly spread via Internet.) The only thing stopping me is that I'm much too busy on things I care more about.

 * At the very least, this article should be divided into Sourced and Attributed sections. "Sourced" means citations of published works, preferably with dates; URLs are optional but useful if available. (NOTE: 90+% of URLs for quotes are useless as sources, because they tend to spread misinformation as fast as, if not faster than, accurate data. That's why we favor print or televised sources.) Everything else is "Attributed". By this standard, about the only material in this entire article that falls into the first category is the Win2k source code that I agree is of questionable value. (And even those sources aren't particularly useful, unless the quotes listed can be verified without an SDK or a developer's license.) Secondly, everyone please remember (or learn at Wikiquote:Manual of style) that we use sentence capitalization for headings; i.e., only the first word and proper nouns in a heading are capitalized. For example, Richiesmit's suggested headings above should include "Software development", "Bugs", "Coders' comments", "Design philosophy", etc. /* end soapbox */ Sorry about the rant, but I've despaired over this page for quite a while. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 22:07, 26 September 2005 (UTC)

 * Steering around rant A (with which I fully agree) to deal first with rant B (with which I also agree), I think capitalisation can be fixed up later :-) The main problem here is issue A: the lack of sources. It took me ages to find the correct source for RJ Mical's quote, then realised nobody else had bothered. There are also a hell of a lot of contributions which are just angry barking from minor personalities. Some of them even appear to be made up on the spot! How about we concentrate on the truly influential people like Dave Haynie, Brian Kernighan, Eugene Jarvis, Bill Gates, and so forth? Okay. Priorities:
 * New section at top for properly sourced quotes. Shift up quotes that have, or can be properly sourced. This should be reserved for the genuinely quotable people!
 * Remove sayings and T-shirt slogans immediately.
 * Create a section for people you wouldn't find quoted in a respectable newspaper (H4CK3RB0Y, Olav Mjelde, Jonathan Gilpin, etc), and mark them for deletion.
 * As top section becomes more populated, categorise under headings similar to the ones I came up with. I'm not proud - change 'em!
 * Take out the trash.
 * — Richiesmit 10:15, 27 September 2005 (UTC)

I started with the easy stuff. The article is now split into Sourced and Attributed. I also removed the sole quote from Olav Mjelde, who had been voted for deletion. After finding only 7 sourced quotes (besides the Win2k source code), I checked each source, deleted 3 for being inadequate, misleading, or proving non-notability of quotee, and moved the supposed IBM maintenance-manual quote to Attributed because its "source" is too vague to check. (I suspect it will require a secondhand source, like a reference in a published work that quotes it for illustration.)

The new Attributed section is more problematic. As one might expect of quotes about computers, many or most of these will have dozens or hundreds of Google source, importing a false sense of truth to them, even for famous people.

As far as T-shirts and sayings go, there is precedent for keeping these if they are very well known, just as some anonymous- or unknown-authored sayings are in non-computer fields. But it would be helpful to find published references for them.

For now, I leave further work to Richiesmit and other interested parties. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 17:40, 27 September 2005 (UTC)

You know you're a geek when...
"You know you're a geek when... You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened   to me. It was scary." ~ Juuso Heimonen

also when you drag a pen over a text written on paper to select it

Zalman Stern
I've transferred over the "awk" quote from Zalman Stern, originally contributed by MadUrban, prior to the voted deletion of the Stern article. It had had the "distributed file systems" quote as well, but MadUrban had added it after an anonymous contributed had already added it to Computers. — Jeff Q (talk) 08:10, 1 May 2005 (UTC)

Windows Vista
There's one for Windows Vista, but I forgot the source. "VISTA stands for Virus, Infection, Spyware, Trojans, Adware." (or something like that)

IBM Quote
Considering the quote given is from a 1925 manual, can we really say the manual is making a quote about computers?

 * Well, since IBM started as the Computing Tabulating Recording (CTR) Corporation, building punched-card data processing equipment, which is considered computer technology, this quote is plausibly relevant. But a source on this quote, in particular which maintenance manual, would help answer this question. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 09:46, 10 October 2005 (UTC)

Possibly unnotable quotes
I have moved some quotes to this section, because the originators seem to be unnotable. Add them back if evidence of notability can be provided. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but the article has accumulated vast amounts of "witty sayings", and a mass cleanup is needed. My "notability" test was to see if there is a wikiquote *or* wikipedia page. Thanks ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 10:47, 10 October 2005 (UTC)

 * "I/O, I/O, It's off to disk I go, to read or write a bit or byte. I/O, I/O, I/O" (no source given)

 * "There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." ~ Appears on a tshirt

 * "There are 10 types of people in this world: People who understand binary, and people who have friends. ~ Drew from "toothpastefordinner.com"

 * "There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who know ternary, those who don't and those who confuse it with binary." ~ unknown

 * "There are only 11 types of people in this world. Those who understand Gray, and those who don't." ~ Appears on a tshirt following the binary one

 * "Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." ~ Bruce Brown

 * "Heuristics are bug ridden by definition— if they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms." (no source given)

 * "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." ~ Computer analyst to programmer

 * "Be free, be opensource, be Linux user" ~ Anonymouse

 * "Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are." (no source given)

 * "Unix is user-friendly. However, it isn't idiot friendly." (no source given)

 * "Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant bulb lights up in the center of the dashboard. 'The experienced driver'", he says, 'will usually know what's wrong.'" (no source given)

 * "Once you're done writing the code, never open it again unless you want to see how uncomprehensible and utterly ridiculous it really is." ~ Raphael Sazonov

 * "Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses." Eric Warmenhoven

 * "Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live." ~ Martin Golding

 * "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." ~ Rich Cook

 * "I liken starting one's computing career with Unix, say as a undergraduate, to being born in East Africa. It is intolerably hot, your body is covered with lice and flies, you are malnourished and you suffer from numerous curable diseases. But, as far as young East Africans can tell, this is simply the natural condition and they live within it. By the time they find out differently, it is too late. They already think that the writing of shell scripts is a natural act." — Ken Pier, Xerox PARC

 * "UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." ~ Peter H. Coffin

 * "Fixing Unix is easier than living with NT." ~ Jonathan Gilpin

 * "VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use Unix." ~ W. Davidson

 * "The most horrifying thing about Unix is that, no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to lose consciousness. It just goes on and on." ~ Patrick Sobalvarro

 * "Last week i bought a chain saw with a twisted handle. Perhaps i wasn't careful, but by accident it chopped one of my arm off, then i thought to myself “gosh, this is POWERFUL!”. This seems to be the fashionable mode of thinking among the unixers or unixer-to-be, who would equate power and flexibility with rawness and complexity; disciplined by repeated accidents. Such a tool would first chop off the user's brain, molding a mass of brainless imbeciles and microcephalic charlatans the likes of Larry Wall and Linus Torvald jolly asses." — Xah Lee

 * "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare." ~ Blair Houghton

 * "It can be shown that for any nutty theory, beyond-the-fringe political view or strange religion there exists a proponent on the Net. The proof is left as an exercise for your kill-file." ~ Bertil Jonell

 * "Of course, the best way to get accurate information on Usenet is to post something wrong and wait for corrections." ~ Matthew Austern

 * "In headlines today, the dreaded killfile virus spread across the country adding 'aol.com' to people's Usenet kill files everywhere. The programmer of the virus still remains anonymous, but has been nominated several times for a Nobel peace prize." ~ Mark Atkinson

 * "The smiley is an attack on writers and readers alike. If it is funny, it doesn't need a smiley. If is not funny, a smiley won't help it. The smiley teaches writers that anything they write will pass as humor as long as it is punctuated properly. It teaches readers that they must ignore their better judgment, and look only at punctuation to determine intent." ~ Jim Showalter

 * "The Internet is like a giant jellyfish. You can't step on it. You can't go around it. You've got to get through it." ~ John Evans

 * "Designing for 90% of browsers is our policy? Here's a question. If I answered 10% of the sales calls with 'Hello [companyname], could you please f*** off"', how would that affect our sales?" ~ Seen in Argument over web standards.

No matter how unnotable or unsourcable they are, they're still funny. Too bad most can't be included.OriginalPiMan 00:01, 4 August 2006 (UTC)

Major removal of quotes
I just noticed that back on 20 June, removed the entire "Attributed" section as well as the sourced "Windows 2000" section. This article was too much of a mess for me to care about the loss of the unsourced (or inadequately sourced) quotes, but we must have an unsourced section to allow new additions that don't define their sources. I have recreated this section (titled "Unsourced" using the newer practice) and have moved some quotes into it. Someone may want to go back through the article history to resurrect some quotes, but please remember that Wikiquote articles are for quotes from notable people and creative works, preferably sourced by reliable publications. This article is not the place to include funny things you read in a blog or that your friend happened to say the other day. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 17:48, 28 August 2006 (UTC)

Erasmus Smums quote
I recently moved a quote attributed to Erasmus Smums ("I don’t know what percentage of our time…") into the Unsourced section, from a separate Erasmus Smums page which is to be deleted. The relevant portion of the edit history from that page is: "contribs" This is to avoid any GFDL problems regarding attribution. —LrdChaos (talk) 18:01, 7 August 2007 (UTC)

Unsourced

 * The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
 * Nathaniel Borenstein

 * Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
 * Marcus Brigstocke (falsely attributed to Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc)
 * See http://www.pacmanhattan.com/ though
 * The computer is the game.
 * Tom Christiansen

 * Quantum mechanic Seth Lloyd says the universe is one giant, hackable computer. Let's hope it's not running Windows.
 * Kevin Kelly

 * [Software are among the] things which can be copied infinitely over and over again, without any further costs.
 * Eben Moglen, 2006

 * A world full of computers which you can't understand, can't fix and can't use [because it is controlled by inaccessible proprietorial software] is a world controlled by machines.
 * Eben Moglen, 2006

 * Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
 * Pablo Picasso

 * The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren't there.
 * Gordon Bell, Encore Computer Corp

 * If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right.
 * Alfred Alistair Cooke (1908–)

 * Gilder's Law: Bandwidth grows at least three times faster than computer power.
 * George F. Gilder, Telecosm: How Infinite Bandwidth Will Revolutionize Our World, The Free Press, NY, 2000

 * The best way to predict the future is to implement it.
 * Alan Kay

 * As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
 * National Lampoon
 * Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
 * Popular Mechanics (1949)

 * Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
 * Andy Rooney

 * If you think you can solve your security problems with more technology, then you don’t understand the problems and you don’t understand the technology.
 * Bruce Schneier

 * People make mistakes, but to get a mess you'll need a computer.

 * .HELP SEX: This system is a computer and as such is not able to help with enquiries of this nature. For details on reproduction, see the Xerox documentation.
 * Famous Help text from Essex Dec 10

 * Don't trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
 * Steve Wozniak

 * A computer is like air conditioning; it becomes useless when you open Windows.
 * Linus Torvalds

 * "I'm not afraid of computers taking over the world. They're just sitting there. I can hit them with a two by four."
 * Thom Yorke

title: Talk:Computers