text:
Talk:Rush Limbaugh

/Archive 1

Cleanup
This version is after a cleanup. Look okay? Cirt (talk) 19:50, 14 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Update . Cirt (talk) 19:57, 14 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I think these edits go too far. There were many quotes here that were sourced from the Rush Limbaugh website; by only leaving quotes that were cited by other sources, you are more likely to find quotes that are critical of Limbaugh, since those are the ones most often quoted. This is a huge step backwards for WikiQuote if all of these quotes are removed. The Vidiot 23:29, 14 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Too bad. On an controversial topic like this one - best to avoid primary-sourcing altogether, and only rely on secondary sources. Cirt (talk) 04:13, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I agree completely with Cirt here. Tiptoety  talk 04:15, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks! :) Cirt (talk) 04:49, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Rush Limbaugh is a person, not a “topic.” There are numerous, well-document primary-sourced quotes. By only allowing secondary-sourced quotes (which, by the way, is exactly how the fake quotes got added here), you are necessarily biasing the page with quotes that are unfavorable to Limbaugh, since those who oppose him are the ones who are most vehement about quoting him. And this secondary-source limitation handily restricts anyone from adding primary-sourced quotes which may be favorable to Limbaugh, because those will not be “notable” by those limited standards. Congratulations: You are promoting the very problem that Wikiquote caused in the first place. The Vidiot 06:13, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * This page is a topic. And we should only allow the highest standard of sources on a controversial topic. If you have sources of quotes to suggest, please do so. Otherwise, by using primary sources, we leave open anyone to cherry pick and choose from the primary sources, which was also part of the problem. Cirt (talk) 06:25, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * So instead, people are free to cherry-pick and choose from secondary sources? The Vidiot 06:43, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Did I say that? No, I did not. I am sensing some serious inappropriate attitude from this user, who quite frankly is a Single Purpose Account on this website with a singular focus on this one page. Cirt (talk) 06:44, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * First, there is nothing wrong with having a Single-Purpose Account. Secondly, if you look at my edit history, you will see that it appears to be an SPA because I spent a considerable amount of time trying to get those false quotes removed. I posted discussions, called for votes, tried to gain consensus…all according to Wikiquote policy. However, I was eventually blocked from removing them, and they had to be put in a “Disputed” section. Perhaps if they had been removed, Wikiquote would not be under the scrutiny it is now. The Vidiot 16:47, 23 October 2009 (UTC)

I would just like to know what the rules are -- don't ask me to look in the rear view mirror and ask "does it look ok"? The obvious observation to make is that the appearance of a Limbaugh quote in a book does not demonstrate that the quote is accurate. Wikiquote just got burned by that. patsw 12:41, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

 * Quite honestly, this page is a farce. The quotes from Limbaugh himself would make you think that all he ever talks about are racial issues.  Even the "I hope he fails" quote, in context, which is actually used on Barack Obama, would be something.  I haven't listened to his show in years, but unless it's vastly different than what it was then, he hardly ever talks about race. , for instance, has some other quotes.  That last one ("I love being able to say what I think ...") is something I remember hearing him say a lot (or variations on that theme).  The quotes about Limbaugh are almost completely negative and in some cases, petty personal attacks.  There's plenty out there laudatory that could be used to present both sides.  For instance, when the Republicans won congress in 1994, Limbaugh was praised by the GOP as the "Majority Maker".  Just because nobody on here agrees with the guy (and I don't agree with him either about a lot of things) doesn't mean the article should be an attack piece. --UserB 15:41, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Go ahead and suggest some sources for quotes then, if you think there are others that belong on the page. Cirt (talk) 16:51, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

I have little concern for biased or uninformed agendas, but I saw numerous clips of Limbaugh mentioning that the solution to an oil spill was to simply let the ocean naturally take care of it. He might've revisited the discussion, but I want clarity on his discussion - many people look to this site to find recent news in regards to Limbaugh and the protection against the article stops them from doing that. Please, someone, for the respect of truth and information, reveal, in reliable wikipedia tradition, what Limbaugh said in regards to the oil spill, and whatever other relevant information to the position that might exist.

Also, I do not want this idea of discussion to be subject to the "recentism" argument - Should there be any others aware of Limbaugh's discussion in regards to off-shore oil spills, I desperately want to discuss them as is appropriate. Should this be Limbaugh's sole position on off-shore oil spills, however, than it should be discussed as it's part of his political perspective.

There should also be mention of Limbaugh's accusation towards Shahzad being completely false. This is not sensationalism, recentism, or even bias - Limbaugh claimed during multiple occasions that Shahzad was a registered democrat, which, has since been proven that he is not, and that Limbaugh, along with others, were incorrect in their assessment. This should be included with the Shahzad article as well as the Limbaugh article, presuming, of course, that the pursuit here is truth.

Dueling dubious sources
Let's please avoid dubious sources Media Matters for America (leftist POV) and Media Research Center (rightist POV). Thanks. Cirt (talk) 06:34, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Okay, so now “certain” secondary sources aren’t valid? Is any site that provides a positive quote about Limbaugh a “rightist POV source”? The Vidiot 06:40, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * How about we stick to independent reliable secondary sources. Cirt (talk) 06:42, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Totally I agree with Cirt. --Aphaia 06:47, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

 * Please elaborate on why a group which has a political point of view is dubious, or are MMA and MRC being singled out here? patsw 12:11, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

 * Please don't confuse "reliable" and "POV", and also don't assume that something that looks "leftist" or "rightist" is automatically not nPOV. For example, for global warming, the IPCC is reliable and nPOV even though almost anyone would realize that their conclusions support the left more than they support the right.  AySz88 15:48, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * They both have a specific agenda for pushing out specific quotes. Best if we only rely on independent reliable secondary sources. Let's do some research and find quotes in reliable books, newspapers, magazines, etc. Cirt (talk) 16:50, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I have four questions:
 * What are you suggesting as an example of a source without an agenda when it comes to covering Limbaugh?
 * How did having an agenda become a disqualification as a source of quotes?
 * Your justification for the cleanup was that MMA/MRC was that they were dubious. Are you backing off from that?  If not, how are they dubious?
 * I think we have a disagreement on what independent means. Are you suggesting that there is coordination, communication, or other activity giving evidence to a lack of independence of MRC from Limbaugh? patsw 18:06, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I am saying we should avoid such polarizing sources, in favor of others that are more reliable and less POV. Feel free to suggest some, here at the talk page. Cirt (talk) 18:22, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * More reliable and less POV, like Keith Olbermann and Doonesbury? Leuchars 03:10, 17 October 2009 (UTC)
 * @Leuchars - are you suggesting those be removed? Cirt (talk) 04:36, 17 October 2009 (UTC)
 * No, I would let them both stay, along with all other verifiable quotes regardless of the perceived bias of the source. The fact that these quotes are being sourced to Olbermann or Doonesbury doesn't make them any less reliable, as I very much doubt either source would actually make up a quote out of whole cloth. Similarly, I doubt that either of Media Matters or Media Research Center would open themselves to libel charges by fabricating quotes. Accordingly, unless there is reason to believe that a source is mischaracterizing someone's statements or otherwise providing inaccurate information, I think it should remain. Leuchars 06:53, 17 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I think there is a difference though, if the quote is in the About section, than the section of the quotes by the individual himself. Cirt (talk) 07:11, 17 October 2009 (UTC)

 * Personally, I see no clear reason to exclude either Media Matters for America or Media Research Center as a source of quotes, if they are clearly cited as the source and more information as to original sources are provided, and they are not making generalized claims of someone "once saying" something without specific citations of their own. They might not be a preferred source, but to exclude either seems a rather extreme position, which I cannot accept as justified, no matter what their respective agenda. I also noted "snopes.com" was earlier being declared as "unreliable source" in removing some quotes — I cannot for the life of me perceive why this rather presumptuous assertion was being made, nor why some of the discussions which are as yet only a day old are already being archived to a different page. ~ Kalki 19:33, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Okay, you seem to have a different view on the matter entirely. Would it be alright for me to let you take care of further observation of the cleanup and debate over this page? Cirt (talk) 19:48, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * None of us are actually required to get involved in any of the discussions or cleanups, we do so of our own choice. As I stated on my talk page in response to your similar comment there:
 * I might have a wholly different view, and you certainly are free to de-watch or watch whatever you wish, but I don't think too many of us here actually enjoy having to wade into many of these messes which arise on the pages on the more controversial subjects and people. I don't wish to strip the page down so much as some would, but I do expect that I am going to have to keep more of an eye on it anyway for some time to come.
 * I don't expect any of us to be fully able to exclude all dubious material on any of the pages, but I don't want legitimate material excluded merely because some might presume it dubious. ~ Kalki 20:14, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Okay,, I'll defer to your judgment for the rest of it. Have fun! Cirt (talk) 20:20, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Actually, per this comment by, an admin that was previously involved on the page, indeed, reinserting disputed material, would not be the best one to mediate there. Cirt (talk) 21:50, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

For the remainder of the editors here, is it a consensus that MMA and MRC are not dubious? patsw 16:30, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * No. there is no consensus. Let us not use them. We don't want this page to turn into a Battleground for liberals and conservatives, as it was before. Cirt (talk) 16:54, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Please don't just assert they are dubious, make the case that they are dubious. The page already is a battleground. I'm just trying to find out what the rules are.  patsw 17:14, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * They both have an agenda. They are not independent of the subject matter. They can be seen as primary, not secondary sources, as they are both injecting themselves into the dispute in real-time and attempting to negatively affect Rush Limbaugh's life, or promote the agenda of the conservatives. They are not written by authors that are authorities on quotes, politicians, or public figures. There is not adequate editorial review. Cirt (talk) 17:19, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

 * Dubious: The section heading includes the word dubious meaning engendering doubt. How are MMA and MRC dubious?
 * Agenda: Of course they have an agenda! When it comes to Rush Limbaugh and the conservative movement, everyone has an agenda. Having an agenda defines being engaged in political discussion and advocacy.
 * Independent: MMA and MRC are not funded by Limbaugh. They are not coordinating statements with Limbaugh.  They are independent of Limbaugh.  MMA has a political alignment on the left.  MRC has a political alignment of the right.  Is the definition being proposed here that any group or person with a political alignment is not independent of Rush Limbaugh?
 * Primary Source No, the secondary sourcing by MMA and MRC does not magically transform them into primary sources. I don't see how the "injecting" rule would not also equally apply to ESPN, CNN, MSNBC, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, For News, etc. which have their own ideological agendas.
 * Authorities on quotes, politicians, or public figures I have no idea what this means. As their names imply  MMA and MRC are experts on how the Media covers media and political issues and Limbaugh is a major media figure.  It was CNN and MSNBC that ran with the false slavery and James Earl Ray quotes, not MMA/MRC.  Who exercised editorial review with respect to those quotes?

I think the idea that there is some sort of agenda-free authority of the quotations of Rush Limbaugh that can be identified, consulted, and summarized by Wikiquote editors is a total fantasy. In the real world, real rules have to be composed and enforced that can be applied to politically controversial persons who are going to have a superabundance of quotes that need to be filtered down to what is interesting to the reader, balanced, and in some way comprehensive. The rules Cirt is enforcing are not going to get us there. patsw 18:40, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

Cirt (talk) 18:47, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Dubious: MMA and MRC are dubious because they only exist to promote their agenda.
 * Agenda: Their agendas are even more defined and problematic, as with regard to Rush Limbaugh they have a vested interest in either pushing out or promoting and attacking the left, or attacking a living person, Limbaugh.
 * Independent: MMA and MRC are both not independent, as they have a vested interest in the subject matter and are wholly injected into the topic. Their sole purpose of existing is to alter the topic's perception.
 * Primary Source Sources that exist at the same time period, and interact with and comment on the subject, and have no editorial review, can't really be seen as secondary sources.
 * Authorities on quotes, politicians, or public figures MMA and MRC are not experts on how the Media covers media and political issues, they are just organizations set up to push out their own agendas.
 * I understand your position. patsw 20:36, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

Wikiquote is

 * Wikiquote is a free online compendium of sourced quotations from notable people and creative works in every language.

''Too bad. On an controversial topic like this one - best to avoid primary-sourcing altogether, and only rely on secondary sources.''

Please clarify the purpose of Wikiquote : "quotations from notable people" or "quotations about notable people" Stg3095 18:51, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Both. Cirt (talk) 18:41, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * See Quotability - we include quotations from notable people, including quotations by notable people about other notable people, within reasonable limitations. We would not include a quote from a non-notable person unless the quote itself was widely used (bearing in mind that some people are indeed notable for their quotes alone). BD2412 T 19:34, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

Then why is it best to avoid primary-sourcing altogether Stg3095 18:51, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Best to let the secondary sources determine which quotes are noteworthy, if we use primary sources, this judgment call falls on individual Wikiquote users instead. Cirt (talk) 18:47, 15 October 2009 (UTC)

Does this apply only to currently controversial topics and/or people? Stg3095 18:56, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * No. Cirt (talk) 18:56, 15 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I don't have a problem with the Wikiquote community arriving at a consensus as to the quoteworthiness of quotes found only in primary sources. I'd rather not see them included on the sole judgment of a newbie, a single-purpose account, or an anon IP, however. BD2412 T 19:02, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Well, I can certainly agree with you that they should not be included on the sole judgment of a newbie, a single-purpose account, or an anon IP. But I think quotes from primary sources should be avoided, in favor of secondary sources, especially if we have the option of doing so. In cases where we do not have that option, perhaps the subject is not noteworthy enough to have a page. It becomes quite a sticky situation for individual Wikiquote users, or even consensus of users, to determine which quotes from primary sources are quoteworthy and which are not. Cirt (talk) 19:05, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

Restoring recent discussion from archive
I've restored a few of the recent comments ("Denies the racist quotes", "Who's in charge here, anyway?" & "Jack Huberman's source for the slavery and the James Earl Ray quotes") pertinent to the recent conversations. They were less than 2 days old when archived and I believe that someone coming to the conversation late will need to review those to be up to speed with the situation. If the consensus is otherwise, that's fine, but I just wanted to ensure all pertinent info is readily available for anyone to comment about. --207.206.137.130 11:53, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * The discussion was pre-cleanup, and involved seemingly endless back and forth and back and forth and back and forth over sources that are unsuitable anyways, and so was a waste of time and space. Cirt (talk) 16:55, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Archived, again. Let us please focus on finding better sources, thanks. Cirt (talk) 16:59, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

Why are you
Why are you deleting these quotes?

Why is the page uneditable? Rush just said a couple of interesting things that ought to be added.

"I'm for Obamacare. Obama's agenda is all that matters." (Rush Limbaugh Show, October 16, 2009) "I support Cap and Trade. We need it." (Rush Limbaugh Show, October 16, 2009) —This unsigned comment is by 98.141.80.147 (talk • contribs).
 * Were those quotes discussed as noteworthy in any secondary sources? Cirt (talk) 16:55, 16 October 2009 (UTC)

He said them on the air. Why aren't quotes from his own program considerd valid quotes? Furthermore, they were on TODAY's program. Nobody has had a chance to discuss them yet.

Why isn't Limbaugh's page editable? —This unsigned comment is by 98.141.80.147 (talk • contribs).
 * We should rely on secondary sources to determine whether or not the quotes are noteworthy of inclusion. Cirt (talk) 19:06, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Given Limbaugh's politics, those quotes sound like sarcasm to me. We'd need to see the full context, even if we had a secondary source. ~ S0CO  ( talk 16:47, 23 October 2009 (UTC)

Independent reliable secondary sources
Does anyone have suggestions of quotes to add to this page, from independent reliable secondary sources? Cirt (talk) 17:57, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * If no one has an answer to this question, then I guess there is nothing more to discuss. Cirt (talk) 18:04, 16 October 2009 (UTC)
 * I think you have the article looking pretty good now. Some of his catch lines from his program might be worth adding back, with sources of course. Charles Edward 18:44, 18 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Should we require secondary sources for taglines? Although this page is on a person known for their commentary, at bottom he is a host of a radio show, and we generally allow taglines for comparable television shows. BD2412 T 20:54, 18 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Though it might be beneficial to eventually find when these were actually first used, I have never thought that so commonly employed lines should require absolute sourcing to any specific occurrence. So long as no one disputes that they are commonly used "tag-lines" declaring them such should be sufficient. If such are disputed, the ability or inability to cite reliable primary or secondary sources would then become a decisive factor in resolving such disputes. ~ Kalki 21:07, 18 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Yes, we should require secondary sources for everything on the page, taglines included. Especially as it is a controversial topic, and especially due to the recent controversy surrounding it, and indeed this very page, we should maintain high standards. For example: note the very first quote in the Sourced section is a tagline, and it has a secondary source for it. Cirt (talk) 21:18, 18 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Whether and when we require a secondary source is a matter for the community to address. I maintain that a quote may be inherently quoteworthy even though no one has yet bothered to quote it in a verifiable, reliable, and notable secondary source. In such cases, the community should be able to determine whether a particular quote is worthy of inclusion based on its content alone. My understanding of the controversy regarding this page is that it included some quotes for which the sourcing turned out to be wholly unreliable, and that it contained quotes for which there was no indicia of quoteworthiness through repetition in an appropriate secondary source. However, it does not appear that any of those quotes were subject to community review either, so it can not be said that such a method of determining quoteworthiness has been tried and found lacking. BD2412 T 21:46, 23 October 2009 (UTC)

Introduction
I have trimmed the introduction down to the typical Wikiquote style – it is enough to identify the subject and indicate notability. Biographical information may be found at Wikipedia. ~ Ningauble 15:22, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

Image soapboxing in articles such as this
I take issue with the image at right being present in this article. There is no mention of Orwell's 1984 in the quote in question, there is no mention of it in the secondary source to which this quote is attributed. The question isn't whether it's context-relevant, that's completely subjective based on the personal politics of anyone and everyone visiting or editing this page. It isn't whether we agree or not with the interpretation of the metaphor presented that's at question here. The question is whether these kinds of user-created political cartoons -- original political statements meant to advance a point of view -- are appropriate for Wikiquote. If an article is about Nazism, it's appropriate to include images of Nazis. If an article is about Glenn Beck, not so much (despite the earlier efforts of another contributor to make the correlation). Is this not just as inappropriate, just as unprofessional as, say, an image of an aborted fetus on Barack Obama's page? We need to establish solid policy on this (or rather, enforce the policies which are already in place), and our policies ought to be applied to every article we have on politicians or political figures -- regardless of their politics. ~ S0CO  ( talk 00:41, 2 February 2011 (UTC)
 * I tend to disagree with those who object to images because they might make effective statements when paired with significant words, but I can fully agree that this was a bit extreme and pushed the envelope on relevance in a rather aggressive way. I have replaced the image with one somewhat more relevant to the statement: an image of the guns of the Comedian ~ Kalki (talk · contributions) 01:29, 2 February 2011 (UTC)

I had thought the big brother image a bit over-reaching, when I had noticed it in brief checks I made earlier to-day, but did not change it, as I didn't have much time to argue the point, but now that someone else has I think the image of the guns is more appropriate. ~ Kalki (talk · contributions) 01:33, 2 February 2011 (UTC)

 * It should be no surprise that Godwin's Law is fulfilled in the context of this subject, and perhaps there is a corollary that "as the number of illustrations in a Wikiquote article increases...." I agree that restraint is needed, but it is extremely difficult to articulate concrete policies for matters of intent and interpretation. How does one determine whether an image is intended to promote a point of view, whether it could be readily interpreted to do so, or whether the point of view is sufficiently neutral, or at least neutral with respect to the captioning quotation and the context of the article? In this particular situation, I do not see the replacement image as a great improvement. It seems to me that the image itself signifies little, for the fictional reference is relatively obscure and I doubt that the point is to illustrate, for the benefit of readers who are unsure, what the term "gun" refers to. Rather, the point appears to lie in calling attention to the quote in the caption, and I fail to see the benefit of highlighting this particular bit of ironic hyperbole. Nor does the caption for the first image in the article seem appropriate, because taking it out of context conceals the clearly intended ironic hyperbole (and, incidentally, it conceals an ellipsis). Is there really any way of objectively codifying such concerns? ~ Ningauble 21:07, 2 February 2011 (UTC)

title: Talk:Rush Limbaugh


text:
User talk:84.67.150.41

- InvisibleSun 00:32, 11 November 2006 (UTC)

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User talk:84.67.150.41


text:
User talk:216.97.182.125

- InvisibleSun 00:39, 11 November 2006 (UTC)

title: User talk:216.97.182.125


text:
Joseph Pulitzer

Joseph Pulitzer (April 10, 1847 – October 29, 1911) was a Hungarian-American politician and newspaper publisher of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and the New York World. He became a leading national figure in the Democratic Party and was elected congressman from New York.

In the 1890s the fierce competition between his World and William Randolph Hearst's New York Journal caused both to develop the techniques of yellow journalism, which won over readers with sensationalism, sex, crime and graphic horrors. The wide appeal reached a million copies a day and opened the way to mass-circulation newspapers that depended on advertising revenue (rather than cover price or political party subsidies) and appealed to readers with multiple forms of news, gossip, entertainment and advertising.

Pulitzer's name is best known for the Pulitzer Prizes established in 1917 as a result of his endowment to Columbia University. The prizes are given annually to recognize and reward excellence in American journalism, photography, literature, history, poetry, music, and drama. Pulitzer founded the Columbia School of Journalism by his philanthropic bequest; it opened in 1912.

Quotes

 * We will always fight for progress and reform, never tolerate injustice or corruption, always fight demagogues of all parties, always oppose privileged classes and public plunderers, never lack sympathy with the poor, always remain devoted to the public welfare, never be satisfied with merely printing news, always be drastically independent, never be afraid to attack wrong, whether by predatory plutocracy or predatory poverty.
 * Joseph Pulitzer, New York World (May, 1883)

 * Our republic and its press will rise or fall together. An able, disinterested, public-spirited press, with trained intelligence to know the right and courage to do it, can preserve that public virtue without which popular government is a sham and a mockery. A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a people as base as itself. The power to mold the future of the Republic will be in the hands of the journalism of future generations.
 * “The College of Journalism,”  The North American Review (May, 1904) p. 680

 * I know that my retirement will make no difference in its [my newspaper's] cardinal principles, that it will always fight for progress and reform, never tolerate injustice or corruption, always fight demagogues of all parties, never belong to any party, always oppose privileged classes and public plunderers, never lack sympathy with the poor, always remain devoted to the public welfare, never be satisfied with merely printing news, always be drastically independent, never be afraid to attack wrong, whether by predatory plutocracy or predatory poverty.
 * Retirement speech, April 10, 1907, as reported in the St. Louis [Missouri] Post-Dispatch (April 11, 1907).

 * There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there is not a swindle, there is not a vice, that does not live by secrecy.
 * Brian, Denis. Pulitzer: A Life, p. 377.  John Wiley and Sons, Oct 1, 2001

 * Every issue of the paper presents an opportunity and a duty to say something courageous and true; to rise above the mediocre and conventional; to say something that will command the respect of the intelligent, the educated, the independent part of the community; to rise above fear of partisanship and fear of popular prejudice. I would rather have one article a day of this sort; and these ten or twenty lines might readily represent a whole day's hard work in the way of concentrated, intense thinking and revision, polish of style, weighing of words.
 * Letter to the editor of the New York World (1911), quoted in Pulitzer: A Life, Denis Brian, New York, NY, John Wiley & Son, Inc. 2001, p. 1

title: Joseph Pulitzer


text:
South Park/Season 10

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

The Return of Chef (10.01)

 * Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh...trippy to you?

 * Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs.

 * Clyde: You guys, something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
 * Kyle: Like what?
 * Clyde: I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.

 * Chef: [in sound clips of his voiced mixed together] 🎵 I want to-- stick my balls--🎵 inside your rectum, Kyle. 🎵 I'm gonna make love to-- 🎵 your asshole, children. Kenny-- how would you like to-- sodomize-- my black ass?

 * Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!

 * Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...
 * Stan: He's remembering!
 * Chef: Children! What have I done?
 * Cartman: It's okay, Chef! Go on, remember!
 * Chef: [singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...
 * Kyle: Come on Chef, you can do it.
 * Chef: [singing] 🎵 I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fire! 🎵
 * The boys: YAY!

 * Mr. Connolly: [about the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity... until he was hit by a train in 1892.

 * [after hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
 * Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
 * Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
 * Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

 * Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super embarrassing and everyone here will see!

 * Stan: Oh my God, they killed Chef!
 * Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!
 * Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.
 * Cartman: Maybe...maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's corpse does exactly what he was about to say and voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

 * Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...feel hurt...and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
 * Randy: Yeah.
 * Mr. Mackey: He's right.
 * Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

 * Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
 * Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
 * Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
 * Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
 * Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
 * Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
 * Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!

Smug Alert! (10.02)

 * Cartman: San Francisco is the breeding ground of hippies!

 * News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.

Cartoon Wars Part I (10.03)

 * Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?
 * Randy: Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!

 * Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time? Huh?!

 * Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's WROOONG!

 * Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades, we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come, and one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!

 * Mr. Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
 * Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
 * Wendy: ...Yeah.

 * Kyle: You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
 * Cartman: [explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy! You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!
 * Kyle: [realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!
 * Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!" I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!

 * Closing voice over: Will networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?

 * Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim McGraw?

Cartoon Wars Part II (10.04)

 * Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.

 * Cartman: I did it! I...am...GOD!

 * Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
 * Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
 * Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Jeez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
 * [Bart looks shocked]

 * Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
 * Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
 * Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

 * Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fat ass!
 * Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
 * Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
 * Cartman: Oh, goddamn it! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

 * Cartman: Well, Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
 * [Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]
 * Cartman: Ow! Kyle, stop it! No, Kyle, that's too hard!

 * President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
 * Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
 * George W. Bush: You know...right to free speech.
 * [Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]
 * Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
 * George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
 * Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
 * Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

 * [in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
 * Terrance: Alright, just what the hell is going on here?!
 * Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!
 * Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore! It's dangerous!
 * Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
 * Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget about it, okay, guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
 * Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
 * CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!

 * Terrence: Hello, Muhammad, we've read all about you in the Qur'an.
 * Muhammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.

 * Fox President: Take this noble child out to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.

<hr width="50%"/

A Million Little Fibers (10.05)

 * Towelie: [rather clearly baked out of his skull, mixing Chang sauce at his new PF Chang's job] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
 * Male diner: Can you just place our order, please?
 * Towelie: OH, man, I have no idea what's going on.
 * Manager: Everything okay here?
 * Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!
 * Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!
 * Customer: Yeah, well you're a towel.
 * Towelie: You're a towel.
 * Manager: Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
 * Towelie: [points at customer] Yeah!
 * Manager: Not him, you!
 * Towelie: Aw.

 * Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
 * Towelie: You're a towel!
 * Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.

 * Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

 * Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

 * Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that, Gary? They can't even aim!
 * Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?
 * Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?
 * Gary: They got me, Mingey.
 * Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!
 * Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...
 * Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.
 * Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.
 * Mingey: Oh, Gary, what have I got you into?
 * Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes... Mingey?
 * Mingey: I'm here, Gary.
 * Gary: Where...where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?
 * Mingey: Yeah...yah, we're in Paris, mate.
 * Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
 * Mingey: It...it's beautiful. We finally made it.
 * Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey.
 * Mingey: Well, there's the...Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.
 * Gary: Ah, I can smell them, Mingey. At least...I got to see Paris before I...
 * Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM, YOU BASTARDS!! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [to Oprah] This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your Gary the time of day, and now he's gone! Life isn't worth living anymore! What's the use?! I'm coming to see you, Gary! [loads the gun] I'M COMING TO SEE YOU!
 * Oprah: No! Don't!
 * [Mingey shoots himself]

ManBearPig (10.06)

 * Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
 * Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!

 * Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker. Does anyone know who our last vice-president was?
 * [brief silence]
 * Kyle: Dick Cheney?
 * Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.
 * Butters: Bill Clinton?
 * Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.
 * [silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]

 * Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

 * Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!

 * Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

 * Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
 * Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

 * Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

 * Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
 * Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!
 * Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
 * Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

 * Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.
 * Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.

 * Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
 * Cartman: You...have that kind of power?

 * Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
 * Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings, but more man-bear like.

 * Al Gore: Excelsior!

 * Al Gore: Kids, I saved you.
 * Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
 * Al Gore: Yeah, right. The man that singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.

 * Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence, and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about ManBearPig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you now, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm cereal. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you. I'm super cereal. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say, "Thank you, Al Gore! You're super awesome!" The end.

 * Al Gore: I'm super cereal.

 * Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm cereal?

 * Cave Ranger: Okay, fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man with Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "the Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]

Tsst (10.07)

 * Cartman: I just...I really need the support of my best friend right now.
 * Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
 * Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
 * Jimmy: What's my last name?
 * Cartman: [pause] Goddamn it.

 * Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!

 * Cesar Millan: TSST!

 * Cartman: Alright, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
 * Kenny: Fuck you.

 * Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
 * Cartman:	[in British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.

 * Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
 * Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

 * Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married, and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
 * Stella: [horrified] Why, you...you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!
 * Liane: [calmly] Eric, naughty.
 * Stella: [picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would--
 * Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!
 * Stella: That's it! I'm not doing this!
 * Liane: Oh, but we really need some help.
 * Stella: 	Find yourself another nanny... television show!

[At the Slater-Carey Mental Hospital; three days later]
 * Doctor: I'm afraid Supernanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
 * Liane: What do you mean?
 * Doctor: I mean, she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.
 * [They look into room 23A, where Super nanny Jo is fishing poop out of her toilet and eating it]
 * Jo: From hell! It's from heeell!

 * Cartman:	SUCK MY FUCKING ASSHOLE TACO BENDER!!!!

 * Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad? This is just like Auschwitz!

 * Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!

 * Cartman: Stop trying to Bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!

 * Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
 * Cartman: Could I have...two Mega Rangers?
 * Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.
 * [camera focuses on Cartman and Damien music plays]

Make Love, Not Warcraft (10.08)

 * Cartman: [as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?
 * Kyle: [as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!
 * Cartman: [approaches] Okay, I'm back.
 * Stan: [as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
 * Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!
 * Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
 * Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!
 * Kenny: [as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]
 * Cartman: Heh heh, totally!

 * [the Rogue player kills Kenny]
 * Stan: Oh my God! He killed Kenny!
 * Kyle: You... bastard!

 * Randy: Stan! Stan!
 * Stan: Hang on, guys. My dad wants something.
 * Randy: Stan!
 * Stan: WHAT?!
 * Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
 * Stan: I AM socializing, retard! I'm logged onto an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!
 * Randy: [long pause] I'm not a retard...

 * Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!
 * Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

 * Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
 * Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.
 * Jim: No! They only just started playing!

 * Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
 * Blizzard Executive: How do you kill that which has no life?

 * Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?
 * Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower of Azora together.
 * Nelson: Is that a computer game?
 * Randy: No, retard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo-deep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--
 * [The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]
 * Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]
 * Randy: What? Why? WHY?!

 * Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
 * Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
 * Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
 * Clyde: No.
 * Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
 * Clyde: Okay, alright, I'll do it!

 * Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a noob!

 * Randy: Stan! Stan!
 * Stan: Dad, not now!
 * Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
 * Stan: How did you get that?!
 * Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
 * [long pause]
 * Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
 * Stan: Bring up your inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
 * Randy: Okay...
 * Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
 * Stan: [receives sword] I got it!
 * [The Rogue kills Randy]
 * Stan: Dad!
 * Randy: [weakly] Staaaan...
 * Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
 * Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
 * [Kenny shoots the Rouge with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
 * Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]

 * Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
 * Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
 * Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
 * [long pause]
 * Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
 * Butters: Oh...alright then.

 * Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!

 * Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the World...of Warcraft.
 * Developer: No... NOOOOO!

 * Rob Pardo: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?
 * Mike: No, I have a life!

 * Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! Don't do this! [The Rouge kills him and jumps around the fallen players as if he's taunting them. Cut to an enraged Cartman]
 * Cartman: [throws off his headset in fury] GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

 * Cartman: Alright, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!
 * Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
 * Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
 * Liane: What, hon?
 * Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!
 * [Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
 * Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
 * Cartman: Alright, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.

 * [having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months after defeating The Rogue Player]
 * Cartman: We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.
 * Kyle: That was such über pwnage.
 * Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
 * Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
 * Kyle: Oh, yeah.
 * Cartman: Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your hotbar.
 * Stan: Got it.

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (10.09)

 * Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
 * Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
 * Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

 * [Kyle, Stan, Cartman are arguing over 9/11 conspiracy.]
 * Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
 * Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
 * Cartman: Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!
 * Kyle: Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
 * Stan: Yeah, at least one fourth.
 * Kyle: Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.

 * George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
 * Kyle: Really?
 * Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
 * George W. Bush: People, you mean sheep. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
 * Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
 * George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
 * Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website!
 * George W. Bush: Too late.
 * [head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]
 * Stan: Jesus Christ!
 * Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
 * George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
 * Kyle: No way.
 * Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
 * George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked, when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
 * Kyle: Really?!

 * [Mr. Mackey addresses the boys in the school gym]
 * Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal, m'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. [walks up to the school janitor, who's a Latino] This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay? He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, m'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay? Then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head! [the boys laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!

 * Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
 * Kyle: "Code 234."
 * Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
 * Kyle: What is it?
 * Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.

 * Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
 * Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the goddamn...m'kay.

 * [Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
 * Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.

 * [Mr. Mackey interogates Clyde in his office]
 * Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
 * Clyde: I dunno. [looks away]
 * Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
 * Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
 * Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!

 * [Mr. Mackey addresses the students over the PA system]
 * Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five, m'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea...to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then...turning around...squatting over that urinal...m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay...and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do, m'kay?!

 * [Stan cleans the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision]
 * Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (10.10)

 * Cartman: Go with Christ, bro.

 * Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then darn!

 * Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
 * Kid: What?
 * [Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
 * Cartman: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
 * Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
 * Cartman: Alright, cool, bro. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
 * Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--
 * [Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]

 * Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
 * Stan: Sure, dude.
 * Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?
 * [Cartman walks up]
 * Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
 * Cartman: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
 * Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
 * Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
 * Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
 * [long silence]
 * Stan: Wow.
 * Kenny: Really?!
 * Cartman: Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
 * Kyle: It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!
 * Cartman: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
 * [long pause]
 * Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
 * Cartman: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
 * Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
 * Cartman: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
 * Kyle: You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!
 * [Cartman starts to walk away]
 * Kyle: And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
 * [Cartman pauses]
 * Cartman: They what?
 * Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
 * Cartman: [turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
 * Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
 * Cartman: Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!

 * Cartman: [singing]
 * The fear of darkness is all around you
 * The criminal are on the run
 * Now you better bring your hall pass
 * I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
 * I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
 * The hallway monitor

 * Cartman: [singing]
 * I got some bad-ass guys to help me
 * I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
 * If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
 * You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
 * I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
 * Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again

 * [after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
 * Cartman: Well, once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.

 * Cartman: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Doggie style.

 * Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
 * Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
 * Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
 * All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
 * Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher? What is his name?
 * Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
 * Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
 * Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
 * Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?
 * Kyle: Yeah.
 * Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
 * Kyle: Yeah.
 * Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
 * Kyle: Yes.
 * Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
 * Kyle: I think so.
 * Officers: Nice.
 * Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
 * Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
 * Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
 * Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle screams in frustration and runs off]

 * Butters [singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know? Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.

 * Cartman: 'Kay, so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God, you should've been there.
 * Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
 * Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
 * Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
 * Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie! Who the fuck do you think you are?!

(after the teacher says she is an alcoholic)
 * Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.
 * Sgt Murphy: Do we still press charges?
 * Sgt Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
 * Randy: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

 * Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?
 * Ms. Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.
 * Doctor: ...Nice.

 * Ms. Stevenson: Ike, let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.
 * Ike: Yay, Milan!

 * Sgt. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley!
 * Officer Foley: What?! I did shoot him in the face! Twice!
 * Sgt. Yates: Are you sure you are not lying, Foley?
 * Officer Foley: No, really, I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.
 * Sgt. Yates: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?!

Hell on Earth 2006 (10.11)

 * Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
 * Satan: What?
 * Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests.
 * Satan: Oh, jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool. Gotta leave.
 * Steve Irwin: But it's me, Satan! Steve Irwin! I am the Crocodile Hunter!
 * Satan: Oh. Oh, but then dude, no costume. Sorry, you're going to have to go!
 * Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!
 * Satan: Oh, hey Sinatra!

 * Satan: [having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!
 * Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.

 * Satan: [to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.

 * Butters: But dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!
 * Stephen: Well, do you want to get shot or you want to be grounded? [Butters runs back inside up to his room, screaming; to Linda] Honestly, why do you let him watch that darned Black Entertainment Channel?

 * Satan: Then at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
 * Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Daddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
 * Satan: Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Daddy had one.
 * Satan's minion: Does it matter?
 * Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Daddy did it!
 * Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
 * Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Daddy do it?
 * Hotel owner: Daddy did do it.
 * Satan: A full ice cream bar!
 * Hotel owner: Daddy did it.
 * Satan: Damn it, what didn't Daddy do?!

Go God Go (10.12)

 * Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Science darn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!

 * Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

 * Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

 * Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

 * Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
 * Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!

 * Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
 * Stan: It's still three weeks.
 * Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
 * Kyle: Will you shut up already?
 * Ms. Garrison: Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
 * Butters: Oh, boy!
 * Ms. Garrison: Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!
 * Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
 * Ms. Garrison: Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.

 * Ms. Garrison: [ringing a triangle] Uh-oh, retard alert!

 * EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.

 * Ms. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh? [starts acting like a monkey, then pulls down her pants and starts pooping into her hand]
 * Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?
 * Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fucking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins's face]

Go God Go XII (10.13)

 * United Atheist League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

 * Repeated line: Science damn it!

 * [Richard Dawkins runs out of Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she is a post-op trans woman]
 * Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!

 * K-10: Bark-bark. Hello, Eric, I have missed you.
 * Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.

 * The Wise One: Maybe some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows, maybe just believing in God...makes God exist. [thoughtful, solemn pause]
 * Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!
 * [The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]

 * Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!

 * Clerk: Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
 * Cartman: Hello?
 * Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?
 * [cut to 2546, where Cartman and others are floating on purple bubbles, while using the Crank Prank Time Phone]
 * Cartman (2546): I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait for two months. Do you hear me?
 * [back to 2006, Cartman is now reluctant]
 * Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]

Stanley's Cup (10.14)

 * [the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]
 * County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!

 * County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.

 * County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bumming on Cancer.

 * Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
 * Stan: Alright, fine, go ahead.
 * Number 8: By myself?
 * Stan: Just hold it a while, okay?
 * Number 7: What does "passing" mean?
 * Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
 * Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
 * Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
 * Number 6 (Morgan): I did NOT!
 * Stan: Alright, alright! SHUT UP!

 * Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.

 * Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.

 * Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
 * Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
 * Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
 * Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...

 * Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.

 * Parent: No, I'm just his father. But you are his coach. You're like a father to him.

 * Randy Marsh: And Stan, don't forget: win or lose...that's the only choices you have. Win or lose.

title: South Park/Season 10


text:
South Park/Season 9

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina [9.1]

 * Mrs. Garrison: Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.
 * Cartman: [whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

 * Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
 * Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
 * Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
 * Ike: Penis!
 * Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!
 * Ike: vagina!

 * Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!
 * Sheila: What?
 * Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.
 * Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!
 * Kyle: Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?
 * Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!
 * Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
 * Sheila: Yes, but Kyle--
 * Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
 * Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
 * Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
 * Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!
 * Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!
 * Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!
 * Kyle: [angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]

 * Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

 * Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.

 * Mr. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you FAG!!

 * Basketball coach: [to Kyle] No, you see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black enough.

 * Kyle: All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?
 * Doctor: [stares, speechless] Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Angioplasty.
 * Kyle: A Angioplasty?
 * Doctor: Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Angioplasty.

 * Gerald: What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

 * Mr. Garrison: That means I'm not really a woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
 * Doctor: Basically, yes.

Die Hippie, Die [9.2]

 * Cartman: They're not people! They're hippies!

 * Kyle: Those dirty liars!
 * Kenny: Son of a bitch!

 * Cartman: And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...
 * Chef: [irritated] Yeah, I know!

 * Hippie: Wait until those little Eichmanns get a taste of this crunchy groove!

 * Cartman: Did you eat their brownies? Did you eat their brownies?!

Wing [9.3]

 * Mrs. Garrison: Just between us gals, nothing gets my vag wetter than a black man singing!
 * Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!

 * Kyle: Don't worry Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. We're gonna get Wing back as our client. And make a ton of money. I swear it to you.

Best Friends Forever [9.4]

 * [Kenny is playing PSP]
 * Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playing with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothing else!
 * Kenny: I could get to level 60!
 * Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wasting your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!
 * Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!
 * Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talking to you, asshole!

 * Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

 * Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!
 * Satan: Then GOD is helpless!

 * Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
 * Protesters: You bastards!

 * Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.
 * Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!
 * Angels: Yeah, Uriel!
 * Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

 * Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.
 * Satan: How?
 * Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.

 * [The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear]
 * George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!
 * Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
 * George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!
 * Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
 * George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?
 * Kevin: It is God's will that he live!
 * George Bush: It is God's will that he live!
 * Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
 * George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...
 * Kevin: No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]
 * George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, Haghaghaghagha.
 * [the crowd is speechless]

 * Angel 1: Jesus! Their army is massive!
 * Angel 2: Heaven help us!

 * Michael: Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.

 * Random person: You bureaucrats have no right to play god and take that tube out.
 * Angel: No, no. See, they were playing god when they put the feeding tube in.

 * Kyle: Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.
 * Stan: You mean Cartman's side is right?
 * Kyle: Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.

 * Angel: Michael, Michael. The humans finally did the right thing.
 * Angel Michael: Oh my god. They killed Kenny.

The Losing Edge [9.5]

 * [After the South Park team is disqualified due to Randy fighting with the another player's dad]
 * Stan: Dad?
 * Randy: Huh?
 * Stan: You're the greatest.
 * [Randy leaps into the air with joy]

 * Batdad: You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!
 * Randy: What do you wanna do?
 * Batdad: Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!
 * Umpire: Stop! Stop or you're going to get your teams disqualified!
 * Stan: Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!
 * Umpire 2: Break it up! Break it up!

 * Randy: Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no bell.

 * Batdad: Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no pain!

 * Randy: For what? Arresting me for what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

 * Randy: Denver sucks ass.

 * Butters: Son of a biscuit!

 * Pueblo Dad: Vamanos Pueblo! Vive El Pueblo! (Let's go Pueblo! Long live Pueblo!)
 * Randy: [takes out Spanish-English Dictionary] Pueblo no bueno...Pueblo es muy Mal. (Pueblo is not good. Pueblo is very bad.)

 * Baseball player: Yeah we want to win? Then we will have to play this boring game all summer!
 * Baseball player: We want to play video games!
 * Baseball player: We're going down! We're going to get creamed!

 * Baseball player: You know what these guys look like? A bunch of winners!
 * Another baseball player: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!
 * Baseball player: Not a chance cause we're going to lose to you right now!

The Death of Eric Cartman [9.6]

 * Butters: I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm seeing dead people!

 * Butters: Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.
 * Cartman: Atone?
 * Butters: Did you ever do something really bad?
 * Cartman: [Thinking] Not really.

[Fast-forward: Butters is writing a long list]
 * Cartman: Let's see, oh and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.
 * Butters: Boy, oh, boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.
 * Cartman: Really?
 * Butters: Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.
 * Cartman: I know how... [He begins making gift baskets].

 * Jimmy: Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?
 * Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
 * Kyle: We're ignoring him.
 * Token: Ignoring him, how come?
 * Kyle: Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.
 * Token: Oh yeah.
 * Craig: Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?
 * Bradley and other boys off screen: Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!
 * Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option.

 * Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters: what awaits each person in heaven in eternal bliss, divine rest... and ten thousand dollars in cash.
 * Cartman [walking backwards slowly and gesturing as if fading out]: Good-bye Butters, I'm going to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again some time.  Good-bye...

 * Cartman My soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave.  Good-bye Butters, thank you for all your help.  Good-bye.

 * Cartman: Goodbye, Butters, I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...

Erection Day [9.7]

 * Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

 * Ike: [singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle boy!

 * Butters: 'Ey, who's dropping bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!
 * Cartman: Up yours, Butters!

 * Jimmy: Shawna, I was wondering if I could put my penis in your vagina.

Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow [9.8]

 * Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.
 * Randy: Don't be a fag!

 * Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?
 * Cartman: Yeah.
 * Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
 * Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.

 * Randy: [draws a line near near the bottom of a USA map] Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South... [draws another line further up] Everyone above this line is already dead. [draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals] People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... [draws a sphere] People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance, but [draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals] New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east. [draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles]
 * [long pause; a man stifles a snigger]
 * Randy: What, Frank?
 * [he continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram]
 * Randy: [looks at it a moment and realizes] Aw! Oh, goddammit. [draws a squiggle to cover it]

 * Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
 * Kyle: How do you know?
 * Stan: Because... I know what did cause the Beaverton flood.
 * Kyle: George Bush?
 * Stan: No...
 * Kyle: Terrorists?
 * Stan: No...
 * Kyle: Communists?
 * Stan: No...
 * Kyle: Chinese radicals?
 * Stan: No...
 * [brief pause]
 * Kyle: ...Cartman?
 * Stan: ...kind of.
 * Kyle: CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?!

 * Cartman: Give me your Jew gold now!
 * Kyle: Goddamn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?
 * Cartman: I want your Jew gold.

 * Kyle: We must save these people!
 * Stan: How?
 * Cartman: Why?

 * [repeated line]
 * Townsfolk: We didn't listen! [echoed] We didn't listen!

 * Angry Man: It's George Bush's fault!
 * Another Man: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

 * Stan: It's MY fault. I broke the dam.
 * [long pause]
 * Cartman: Aw, man...
 * Sharon Marsh: ...Stanley...you?
 * Man: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.
 * Stan: No. I broke the dam.
 * Woman: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: No. I broke the dam.
 * Woman: And I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Cartman: He he...I broke the dam!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Woman: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: [trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: I literally broke the dam!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: I kept it secret for two days!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: The boat caught on fire and it exploded!
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Man: I broke the dam.
 * Stan: Aw, fuck it!

Marjorine [9.9]

 * Cartman: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.
 * Craig: What?
 * Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?
 * Stan: What?
 * Butters: How do you know?
 * Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.
 * Clyde: [with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!
 * [pause]
 * Cartman: [Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

 * Mr. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
 * Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
 * Clyde: Nice.
 * Mr. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.

 * Doctor: [after the pig splatters everywhere and he checks the pulse] "He... Didn't make it".

 * Old Man: Mr. Stotch, I know what you're thinking.
 * Mr. Stotch: Who are you?
 * Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead... and not try to bring him back.
 * Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? What-what are you talking about?
 * Old Man: I know you're thinking of putting him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. But sometimes dead is better.
 * Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?
 * Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinking of. The Nelson boy, back in '85...
 * Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground--
 * Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground... ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why they stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind the Andersons's barn. Sometimes... dead is better.

 * Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on at girls's slumber parties.

 * Red hair girl: Hey, Marjorine you want to know your future?

 * Turner: What the hell?
 * Cartman: Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!
 * Turner: Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?

 * Steven Stotch: You're demon-spawn now, son.

 * Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
 * Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!

 * Cartman: [advising Butters] ...just roll with it if they start lezzing out.

 * Butters: [after his parents leave a dead body for him to eat] Can't I just have some Spaghetti-Os?

 * Cartman: [after Kenny blows up the future-telling device with a mushroom cloud so large it can be seen from space] Damn, Ken!

Follow that Egg! [9.10]

 * Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.

 * Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!

 * Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?
 * Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

 * Mr. Garrison: We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old-fashioned Fag Drag!
 * Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.
 * Mr. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor?! Come on, where's your balls?! Fag drag!
 * Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 2: We don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.
 * Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 3: Yeah, we were just thinking of asking the Governor to veto the bill.
 * Mr. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?

 * Governor: ...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred. And everyone is happy.
 * Lesbian in Crowd: What about lesbians?
 * [small murmurs among the lesbians]
 * Governor: Well like anyone cares about fucking dykes!

Ginger Kids [9.11]

 * Cartman: [to Kyle] Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!

 * Cartman: The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

 * Cartman: I'm not gonna be part of a fucking minority!

Trapped in the Closet [9.12]

 * Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
 * Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
 * Brian: Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.

 * Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
 * Randy: What?!
 * Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
 * Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
 * Tom Cruise: No!
 * Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
 * Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
 * Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
 * Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
 * Randy: Oh boy.

 * R. Kelly: [singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]
 * Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. ''[R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'
 * R. Kelly: [singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!

 * Cartman: Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

 * Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.
 * Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
 * Kenny: Hey, yeah!
 * Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
 * Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

 * President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

 * Tom Cruise: [to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

 * Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
 * Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.
 * Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

 * Nicole Kidman: Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.

 * Scientologist: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!

 * Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.
 * Tom Cruise: ...Hey John.
 * Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!
 * Tom Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
 * Travolta: Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
 * Tom Cruise: Okay...but no tricks!
 * Travolta: No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!
 * Tom Cruise: Ya see?!
 * Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygod!
 * [the group looks on]
 * Randy: [tries the door] HEY!

Bloody Mary [9.14]

 * Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
 * Randy: It's okay, Stan, I just had some beers to keep my buzz going.

 * Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
 * Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]
 * Eric: ...sure, whatever, dude.

 * AA Member: Do you know anything about alcoholism?
 * Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.

 * Karate Instructor: Cartman-san! What are you doing?
 * Cartman: I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.
 * Karate Instructor: Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!
 * Cartman: Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!
 * Karate Instructor: Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.

 * Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.

 * Randy: It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?

 * Randy: Stan! Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!
 * Stan: Ah, God damn it!

 * Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
 * Stan: I have a great teacher.
 * Randy: Thanks, son.
 * Stan: No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

 * Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.
 * [silence]
 * Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
 * [silence]
 * Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

 * Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."

 * Randy: Well how about 4?
 * Stan: I think you're pushing it.
 * Randy: How 'bout 20?
 * Stan: That's not discipline.
 * Randy: Right, right. Does vodka count?
 * Stan: Dad!

 * Randy: [drunk off his ass and having caught the attention of police by illegally swerving as he peed into a beer bottle, then flipping off the police car] Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [starts chewing stick of gum]
 * Officer: License and registration, please.
 * Randy: [with a completely straight face] ...What seems to be the officer, problem?
 * Officer: ...Step out of the car, please.

 * At the side of police vehicle: "To patronize and annoy"

title: South Park/Season 9