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Phil of the Future

Phil of the Future is an American teen television sitcom on the Disney Channel and ABC. It follows the Diffys, a 22nd Century family, stuck in the 21st Century.

Phillin' In
Phil: Come on, pokey. Can you keep up? Lloyd: Looks like the end of a long run of a father whuppin' his son--but wait! Wait, what's this in my pocket? Oh... Phil: Afterburner? That's cheating! Lloyd: I can't hear you! Eat my vapor! Whoo! Ha ha! Phil: Cheater! Lloyd: Who are you callin' cheater? (Laughs) Phil: So when do I get to use the afterburner? Lloyd: I'm afraid you're not old enough to handle this kind of speed, son! It takes nerve, coordination, and most of all, maturity! Last one home's a doofus-head! Whoo! Ha ha!

 Phil: What's goin' on? Lloyd: I'm thinking about takin' one of those old-fashioned road trips, just me and your mom headin' down the highway, wind in our hair, backseat full of snacks. Phil: Oh, rewind. That means you're leaving me home w-w-with...That. Lloyd: Pim, what do you think you're doing? Pim: Just bustin' stuff. (Thud) Pim: What do you think you're doing? Phil: Mom and dad are going away for the weekend. Pim: Yes! Pim's home alone! (Brakes Squeal) Pim: I'll miss you. Lloyd: No. You won't be home alone. You'll be with Phil. (Record Needle Scratches) Lloyd: And he's in charge. Pim: I'm sorry. My ears are still ringing for some jackhammerin' I was doin' earlier. (Jackhammer) Pim: You said what, now? Lloyd: You heard me, Pim. Phil's in charge. he's older, he's more responsible, and he doesn't spend his weekends bustin' up stuff. (Clatter) (Cat Yowls) Pim: But, dad, I-- Lloyd: Pim, we're not gonna talk about this anymore. Phil: Uh, dad, can--can--can we talk about this a little more? Lloyd: Sure. Phil: See, I don't think that Pim really needs a baby-sitter. I think she needs more a zookeeper. Lloyd: Son-- Phil: No, no. A whole team of zookeepers with muzzles and high-powered hoses and tranquilizer guns. Lloyd: Okay, okay, here's the deal. I know being in charge is a lot of work, but if you keep a lid on things and you watch your sister and you get your chores done, i'll make it worth your while. Phil: No way. Lloyd: Yes way. The afterburner. It's yours. Phil: What are you standing around for? Go! Scram! Get packin'. Come on. This weekend's gonna be smooth.

 Barbara: Now, don't forget. There's a list of emergency numbers on the fridge, and here's a list of chores we'd like you to do. Um, rake the leaves, clean out the garage, and do the recycling. Phil: No problemo. Curtis: (Growls and Snorts) (Fly Buzzing) Barbara: Oh, and don't forget to give curtis his B-A-T-H. Curtis: Huh? Pim: Oh, you mean his bath. Curtis: Heehh! (Muttering Frantically) No take a bath! (Jet Engine Screams) (Crash) (Glass Breaks) Barbara: Ohh. Pim: Aw, nutsicles. That's why you spelled it. Lloyd: This is a disaster! Barbara: What's the matter? Lloyd: I can't find the car keys! Everybody fan out! Phil, Pim, you gotta scour the living room. We gotta find these keys. We gotta(Thier in his hand)--good work, everybody. So, Barb, you're excited about the road trip? You know, I rented a convertable. Barbara: "Psyched" isn't the word. "Nervous" is the word. Lloyd: All right, kids. I love you. We'll see ya. Pim: Love you. Barbara: I love you, baby. Be good. Be good. Pim: Bye, mom. Barbara: Take care of her. Lloyd: Honey, can you get that big suitcase for me? Barbara: Hey, that--I will call to check in around 4:00. Pim, mind your brother. Ohh, Lloyd, this is yours! Phil: Bye! Barbara: Bye, guys! Behave yourself. Phil: So... Pim: So... Phil: Hey, uh, about these chores, there's not many of them, so i'll just do 'em. We cool? Pim: We're cool... (Car Horn Honks) Pim: But when i'm done with you, you'll be so cool not even that precious afterburner will be able to warm you up. Curtis: Teeyah makkah? Pim: What?! Curtis: Teeyah makkah. Pim: Curtis, you're in America now. Speak english. Curtis: "Beek engrish."

Tanner

 * Keely: Tanner, you can't show that video of Phil!
 * Tanner: Oh, so this is what this about? Look, Keely, ever since I broke up with you, Phil's been trying to get payback. Now he's the one that's gonna be paying and I'm the one that's gonna be...backing!

 * Crash: Mom says Tanner is a sensitive easy crier.
 * Tanner: I have over-productive tear ducts!

 * Debbie (as Pim's conscience): I'm your conscience!
 * Pim: Don't have one. Wrong house.

Raging Bull

 * Miss Winston: Good gravy! What was that?
 * Pim: That was our elephant, Skippy!

 * Keely: We've been marked!
 * Phil: Myron, check your hand!
 * (Myron checks hand and has the "alien" mark)
 * Myron: Wait... these don't look alien... and they wouldn't have used marker...

My Way

 * Bradley: Ahh, there's the little woman now.
 * Pim: Little? I wouldn't be tossing around the "L" word if I were you, Thumbelina.
 * Bradley: I was thinking let's name him Bradley Benjamin Farmer Jr.
 * Pim: Oh, great. Then his nickname will be Doofus Finkelman Dork-Face Part Two!
 * Bradley: New mothers can be so tempermental.

 * Keely: I never told you this, but I've always dreamed of someday becoming a singer.
 * Phil: I thought you wanted to become a cat psycologist?
 * Keely: Oh, that's my cover!

 * Keely: (about Tara) I can't stand her. I wish a building would fall on her! I wish she'd get stung by a fifty-pound bee! I wish a dog would mistake her as a fire hydrant! I wish the U.S. women's soccer team would use her as a ball!
 * Phil: Hey, how about running her over with a steamroller?
 * Keely: Phil, grow up!

Daddy Dearest

 * Pim: Sweet strawberry jam!

 * Pim (to Phil sarcastically): Dad came to my class today and it was a PARTY!

Pheremonally Yours
Marla: Excuse me! Oh. Phil: Oh, hey, can I help you with that? Marla: (Southern Accent) Oh, why, thank you! These books are more slippery than a greased pig at a fourth of July picnic. Phil: Hee, yeah. I know what you mean. Marla: I'm Marla Beauregard. Phil: I'm Phil Diffy. Aren't you in, uh...Mr. Ginsberg's english class? Marla: Well, I believe I am. Are you ready for that dreadful midterm he's cooked up for us? Phil: No, I'm not. (Bell Rings) Phil: Ah. Well, we better get to class. Here, let me take some of those for you. Marla: Oh, my. You're gonna help me carry my books? Phil: Well, if I carried you, people might stare. Marla: (Giggles) Phil: You coming? Marla: Course, Philip. I'd follow you barefoot through a briers patch.

 Announcer: According to experts, one hundred years from now, kids will have no cavities. True or false? Pim: False. Contestant: True. Announcer: Correct! Okay, next question... Pim: Are you kidding me? I've got a mouth full of cavities. And I've also got the clicker. See ya. Announcer: Next up, the bonus round-- (Clicks) Pim: Dad, what did I say about doing that? Lloyd: Pim, you can't lie around the house every day. You need a hobby. Pim: I have one. It's called television viewing. Lloyd: I don't know what kids do in this century. I guess they...They play their sports, and they do their little music, but you gotta do something. You're not gonna waste your life lying on this couch. Or sitting on this couch. Pim: (Sighs) All right. Announcer: For the extended forecast... Lloyd: Oh, weather network! Oh! Oh, It's raining in Phoenix. (Laughs) Great.

 Tia: That's perfect, Seth. Thank you. Whoa. Walk away. Uh, earth to Seth. Seth: Oh! Sorry. Keely: I'll take some pepper, Seth. Marla: And even though the sun's set, you've filled my heart with light. Phil: Uh...David Butler Thurmond. Marla: Aah! Aren't you clever? Oh, shug, you got a dangler. I think It's puddin'. All better. See ya after school. Tia: Uh, hello...Yeah, what was that about? Phil: What? Oh, Marla. Yeah, we're gonna study together for Ginsberg's poetry test. Keely: Phil, do you like that girl? Phil: Like her? No, you mean like--no, I barely know her. Tia: Yeah, well, she likes you. Phil: I don't think so. Seth: Phil, I'm the last guy to get stuff. But I think Tia's right. That Marla likes you! Phil: Guys, she dropped one of her books, and I gave her a hand. That's all. Keely: Phil, let me clue you in. When you do things for a girl, they have meanings. Phil: Like what? Keely: Like, if you carry her books, that means you're interested. Tia: If you open the door for her... Keely: That means you're interested, but currently seeing someone. Tia: Giving somebody cuts in line... Keely: Front cuts mean you think she's cute. Back cuts... Both: Let's be friends. Seth: Oh, don't worry. I'm jotting all this down for us. Phil: Great.

 (Playing Classical Music) Pim: (Clears Throat Loudly) (Music Stops) Bradley Benjamin Farmer: We're not done yet, thank you. You can sweep up later. Pim: I'm not the janitor. I'm here to join the orchestra. Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Oh, really? You have a name? Pim: Pim. You? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Bradley Benjamin Farmer. Pim: So, what instrument do I play? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: (Laughs) Pim, I take my job very seriously. Meaning, I need musicians, not wannabes who waste my time. Pim: Here's the poop. I can't go home until I get a hobby. In other words, you find me an instrument, or I'm bunking at your house.

 Phil: Are you on page 12 yet? What are you doing? Marla: Scrapbookin'. This one's gonna go right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition. Phil: Marla, the poetry test is on Friday. Okay? So we really need to buckle down. You see, buckle down is a metaphor for studying. And a metaphor is... Marla: A comparison. But a simile is a comparison usin' the words "like" or "as." Phil: Ms. Phipps is as crusty as a piece of toast. Marla: (Laughs) Ms. Phipps: Shh! Marla: And you are as funny as a mule in a bow tie. Tia: Ah ah ah...Phil, whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh. Phil: I wasn't trying to make you laugh. I was just...Trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet? Marla: Almost. Want a piece? Phil: Sure. Keely: These are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take anything from her. Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--it all means one thing...Commitment. Phil: Really? Marla: Really what? Phil: I'm really not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind. Ms. Phipps: Shh! Marla: All right.

 Bradley Benjamin Farmer: As you know, Friday is our big recital. Our performance will feature a talented young soloist who will sing a wonderful song. Pim: (Gongs) Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Pim, I said, "song," not "gong." Pim: (Gongs) Gotta speak up! There's a lot of noise back here. Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Anywho...Without further ado, let me introduce our lovely soloist, Miss Deborah Berwick. Pim: (Muttering) Debbie: Bradley Benjamin Farmer! How are you? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Debbie, you haven't aged a bit. I haven't seen you in so long. Pim: (Gongs) Bradley Benjamin Farmer: I said, "long"! Debbie: Is that Pim Diffy on gong? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Tell me you don't know her. Please tell me you don't know her. Debbie: Oh, of course I know Pim! She's a treasure. Hi!

 Pim: Hey, Debbie. I jumped a couple of those gongs, but don't worry, I'll nail it tomorrow night at the concert. Who knew a hobby could be so much fun? Down the road, Farmer. Debbie: Um, to spare Pim some embarrassment, I think she should miss the concert tomorrow night. She'll thank us later. Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Brilliant. Debbie: Good luck telling her.

 Tia: Ugh, hold the anchovy. I hate those salty little devils. Keely: (Imitating Marla) My stars, It's that heartthrob Phil Diffy! Tia: Come here, shug. You got a big ol' dangler. Phil: Yeah, I know. You know what? I think I've, uh, actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I've heard the last of ol' Marla. Man: (Trumpeting Fanfare) Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye. Be it proclaimed throughout this land, H.G. Wells junior-senior high, that maiden Marla loves squire Phil. (All Laughing) Man: May their passion be borne on the wings of a thousand doves. This love decree hath ended. Yo, chief, you know where I can grab a cab? Phil: Not a clue. Well, how about that? Marla must have met another guy named Phil. Keely: I don't think so, squire.

 Keely: Phil? You have to do something. You have to talk to her. Tia: Forget talk. Kick her to the curb. Phil: I have to break up with her? Well, how? I--I... Keely: Don't look at me. I've never broken up with anybody. Tia: Look, It's a snap. You know the guy I'm going out with, Mikey Watson? Seth: Mikey Watson. A.K.A...The luckiest guy in the ninth grade. I've heard of him. Tia: I was gonna cut him loose on Monday anyway, but if this helps...Hey, Mikey! These last few weeks have been huge, but we're done. Mikey: (Screams) Tia: See? Painless. Mikey: (Sobbing) Boy: Call me. Phil: I can't do that.

 Phil: I don't know what to do. See, if I tell Marla that I don't like her, then...It'll hurt her feelings. Lloyd: Son, It's a good thing you came to me. This is what you call a classic father-son moment. Phil: Really? You mean girls had crushes on you when you were growing up? Lloyd: No, but they did on my old college roommate rex. Phil: Rex, rex...Isn't that the guy mom almost married? Lloyd: Let's not go there. Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him, he used one of these. Phil: Ah, one of those old-fashioned DNA scramblers. Lloyd: Yep. I never go anywhere without this thing. (Beeps) Lloyd: Oh, they're a hoot at parties. I'll make you look so strange, Marla'll be running for the hills. Phil: Great! Thanks, dad. Lloyd: Hey, remember when I used it on your uncle Milt, made his lips look like a fish? Phil: Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral. Lloyd: That's what I'm saying, yeah.

 Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Pim...Can I speak to you? Pim: Don't worry. I practiced my gongs all night. My dad said I sounded great right before he left to get a motel room. Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Pim, there's no easy way to say this. I rewrote the piece, and we won't be needing your help tonight. Pim: You took out my gongs? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: Yes. Pim: Did Debbie Berwick put you up to this? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: No. Pim: Bradley Benjamin Farmer, look me in the eye. Was this Berwick's idea? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: She...She may have...Suggested it. Pim: Well, hey, these things happen. Can I see you in this...Dark, dusty closet for a quick sec? Bradley Benjamin Farmer: But why?

 Debbie: Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Thank you. Pim, what are you doing here? Pim: Bradley had an emergency. He ran out of hair gel. Asked me to fill in. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This first piece I will conduct was written a long time ago by a dead guy. I hope you enjoy it. (Playing Give My Regards to Broadway) Debbie: (Singing) Give my regards to broadway remember me to herald square. (Music Speeding Up) Debbie: (Singing) Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there. (Music Slowing Down) Debbie: (Singing) Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old-time throng. (Music Speeding Up) Debbie: (Singing) Give me regards to old broadway and say that I'll be there I'll be there I'll be there e'er long. (Holding Last Note)

 Phil: (Knocks) Keely: Phil, what's going on? Phil: Keely, It's getting out of hand. I either have to marry Marla or leave town. (Cats Meowing) Phil: What was that? Keely: My mom and her friends are having a cat circus. Don't ask. Phil: Marla says she loves me for what's on the inside. (Scoffs) Does that stink, or what? Keely: (Laughs) Phil: Keely, It's not funny and It's not fair. Girls have all these rules, and we're supposed to figure out what they are. Keely: Are you kidding? It's not easy for us, either. Phil: Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in Marla's head. Keely: Phil, sure, you do. She thinks you're cute, funny, and sensitive. The problem is she doesn't know what's going on in your head. Phil: What am I supposed to do? Be like Tia and kick her to the curb? Keely: (Sighs) It's probably best just to be yourself. You're cute, funny, and sensitive. You know, guide her to the curb.

 Teacher: "Marla, Thats my Coco-Nana Smoothie!" (Marla ignores the teacher. She picks up the smoothie and takes off the lid. The kids in class look shocked. She then opens Phil's top and pours the smoothie down his shirt for seven whole seconds.)

 Debbie: (Still Holding Last Note) Thank you. Pim: How could this happen? They love you. Debbie: Because you challenged me. You took my singing to a whole new height! Thank you.

 Bradley Benjamin Farmer: She only had one name. Pim. Blonde, angry, yet strangely attractive. Hey, don't write that!

Future Tutor

 * Barbara: Phil, you're going to be in something called the ninth grade and Pim, you're going to be in something called the seventh grade.
 * Pim: I want to be in ninth grade.
 * Barbara: Honey, they go by age here.
 * Pim: All right. I'll start in your "seventh grade." Then, I'll make my slow, but steady, rise to power. In a month, I'll be in 50th grade!

 * Seth: The popular kids.They're at the top of the food chain. Then there's the football team, the ski squad, the student government club, the air gutar posse and then, there's guys like us, who dig algebra.

 * Seth: I had the naughtiest dream about an improper fraction last night.
 * Phil: And?

Future Jock

 * Phil (to Pim): Do you just wake up evil?
 * Pim: As a matter of fact, I do.

 * Keely (while watching Troy walk on his hands): Can you believe what he's doing?
 * Phil: Yeah he's about to walk where Arnie Haukhouser threw up last week.

You Say Toe-Mato
Phil: Pim, i'm using it first. Pim: Why? Phil: Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller. Pim: Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you. Phil: Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue? Pim: I can hold a grudge forever. Phil: Oh, really? Pim: Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup? Phil: No. Pim: Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue-- Phil: Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo. (Power Surging)

 (Bell Ringing) Pim: Berwick! Let me guess what's going on here. Hot coffie, sports section, standing outside Mr. Hackett's office...You're either a: Loopy, B: The world's biggest, kiss-up, or C: A combo platter. Debbie: Pim, I do this for all my teachers. In fact, would you like to run up a pastry to Miss Soletti's office? Pim: Uh, no. Mr. Hackett: I know it's expensive, but i have to have the operation. Debbie: Eavesdropping is wrong for 7 reasons, and i'll explain why. First-- Pim: (Hushed Voice) Debbie, shush! Mr. Hackett: Well, if i don't have the operation, my life will be worthless. Just a big zilch-o. Debbie: Oh, my gosh! Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick and needs an operation. You know what this calls for? A fund-raiser! Pim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time someone needs help, you're all "I'll help you," and i'm all "Get over it," and you're all, "To the fund-raising mobile!" Debbie: Okay, Pim. That's okay. Fund-raising isn't for everybody. Pim: What is she saying? That i can't fund-raise? Well, it's on, Berwick! Debbie: What's on? Pim: Stop that. Mr. Hackett: The only procedure i can afford is the 106. Yeah, that's not a hair replacement system. That's a toilet seat cover parted down the middle. No, no, no...I want it. Yeah, okay. Uh, I will still attract big norwegian women, like the guy on the cover, right? Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!

 Keely: Phil, you know what this is? Phil: It's a flute. Keely: No, it's a musical spit catcher. Phil: Nice. Keely: Phil, that can't be healthy. Phil: Here. Re-hydrate. Keely: I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument? Phil: Yeah, phyble. Keely: Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it? Phil: Exactly. All those things. Keely: So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip. Phil: Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike. Keely: Really? Your mom said you went for a walk. Phil: Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going? Keely: Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you? Phil: That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square. Keely: I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot. Phil: Barefoot? As in...Barefoot? Keely: Yeah, what's the matter? Phil: Oh...I can't! Keely: Can't what? Phil: Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales) Keely: You're about to eat ketchup right now. Pim: I am? Oh.

 Lloyd: So you really want to go to this pickford ranch? Phil: Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this. Barbara: Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does. Lloyd: 1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal. Phil: No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4. Lloyd: Ha ha! That's right! Barbara: Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years. Lloyd: How do they walk with all those-- Barbara: (Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me. Phil: Come on, guys, i'm serious. Pim: Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera. Lloyd: Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there. Phil: Really? Barbara: Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie? Lloyd: Yes.

 Pim: Psst! Yeah, you. What's your name? Jorge: Jorge. Pim: Jorge, what would you say if i could put you in a big, fancy belt buckle? Don't answer. Just step into my jacket. Or...Would you like a gold locket? You like lockets? Jorge: No, thanks. Pim: Jorge, did i mention it's for a teacher getting a nasty operation? None of the money goes to me. Jorge: Really? Pim: Well, I did buy myself a prime rib sandwich at lunch, but that's on the down low. You know what i'm sayin'? Huh? Jorge: I have to be somewhere else now. Pim: Yeah, right. Hey, you with the face, come here!

 Debbie: Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets! $5.00. It's for a really good cause. Oh, hi, Morton. Let me tell you a little bit about today's fund-raiser. I'm raising money for a teacher who's very, very sick. (Whispering) He doesn't look good. Thank you, Morton. You're good people. Morton: Thanks, Debbie. Debbie: Fun baskets. (Gasps) Hi, Pim. My baskets are really moving. How much have you raised? Pim: Squat. Leave me alone.

 (Rooster Crows) Man: Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream. Keely: I thought you were allergic to tomatoes. Phil: Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night. Keely: Right. Man: All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks. Phil: Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change? Keely: Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks. Man: Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.

 Keely: Hey. Phil: Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i've been acting a little weird lately. Keely: Now that you mention it...A little. Phil: Yeah. I'm sorry about that. Keely: It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again? Phil: Heh. So normal it hurts. Keely: Phil, you want to go to the deep end? Phil: No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay? Keely: Whatever, Phil. Phil: Where's my toe?!

 Phil: Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet. Keely: I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in! Phil: Eww! Where's my toe? Man: Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry! (Kids Laughing & Shouting) Man: All right, everybody out of the tub!

 Man: There's always one bad tomato in every batch. You can explain it to your principal!

 Debbie: Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets. They're for a good cause. Fun baskets! Get your fun baskets!

 Kid: Oh. Pim: Oh, and right during the biggest test of the semester! Luckily i have a sweet number 2 for sale. Let's call it 6 bucks even. Kid: (Sighs)

 (Whistle Blows at a wrestling match) Pim: Hi. I couldn't help but notice you're getting smoked. How 'bout a nice scented candle to lift your spirits? (Thud) Pim: That'll be 3.50.

 Debbie: Mr. Hackett, i'm going to say this quick, otherwise i'm going to start crying. Pim: Here we go with the tears. Debbie: (Quietly) Thank you. We want you to have this money. It's $110. Pim: My jar is $115. Mr. Hackett: So...This is wonderful. Thank you. Why on earth would you be doing this? Pim: Cut the hero act. We know about the operation. Mr. Hackett: You do? Debbie: Yes. And we want you to be brave and know that we support you. Mr. Hackett: I can see that. Debbie: Are you scared? Mr. Hackett: A little. Thank you. I love public service.

 Principal: All right, Johnson, you're next. Get in here! Keely: Sometimes i dream i'm married to Mr. Potatohead...And we live in a 2-bedroom condo in boca raton, florida. Phil: What?! Keely: And i want to be a doctor, but he wants me to stay home and take care of our 5 spuds. Phil: So...Why are you telling me this? Keely: Because it's my deepest, darkest secret. And because i know what's going on. I found this in the goop. Phil: What?! It's not--it's not mine. Keely: "Property of P. Diffy"? Phil, so what? You have 4 toes. You don't have to hide things from me. Phil: Really? Keely: Yeah. You spent the last 3 days lying and acting all weird and throwing tomatoes at me just because of a...Pinky toe? Phil: It does feel kinda good toe get my toe off my chest. Keely: (Chuckles) Phil, you're my best friend. Just promise me no more secrets. You and i are on a...100% honesty pact. Deal? Phil: Deal. Wait. Uh, there's...One more thing. Keely: What is it? Don't worry. Phil: (Sighs) The reason i have 4 toes is because where i'm from, everyone does. I grew up over 100 years from now. I'm from the future.

 Mr. Hackett: I'm telling you, Maurice. I am loved here. The students are standing in line to hand me jars of money. Which is, of course, what allowed me to upgrade to the 211. Debbie: Excuse us, Mr. Hackett, but we wanted to wish you good luck on--what is growing out of your head? Pim: Wait a minute. That's your operation? I busted my hump so you could get a wig?! Mr. Hackett: It's not a wig. It's the lorenzo lamas. Debbie: Uh, no disrespect, Mr. Hackett, but i'm going to have to give my money to a needier charity. Pim: Yeah, ditto. I'm giving mine to the Pim Diffy needs a high-definition TV foundation. You disgust me. Mr. Hackett: Hey, wait a minute. How am i supposed to pay for this? I mean, Maurice, I can pay for this. Just, you know, maybe not all at once. What are you doing? Don't get quiet on me, Maurice. Don't leave! Maurice? I'm only 1/2 a lamas.

 Phil: So, we were taking our vacation, visiting the prehistoric era. There were cavemen and dinosaurs, but whatever, my dad had to go back to work. (Sarcastic Chuckle) So, uh, we swing by the french revolution, then head for home. But our time machine broke down, so, uh, now we're stuck here in your time. According to my dad, if the government found out, we'd be captured...or worse. Uh, if you can hear me, can you nod or something? Just... (Door Opens) Principal: Okay, get in here, Diffy. Your turn. Phil: I just wanted my best friend to know the truth about me.

 Lloyd: You told her what?! Why?! Phil: I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend. Lloyd: When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door! (Gate Rattling) Lloyd: Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here! Keely: Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit. Barbara: Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate. Keely: Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood. Barbara: Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation. Lloyd: Save it. Our son spilled the beans. Barbara: I'll go pack. Keely: Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me. Phil: Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us. Lloyd: Phil, it looks like your new friend might need a ride home. (Whirring) Phil: Really? Barbara: Be careful. Keely: Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future. Phil: It's a skyak. hop on. (Power Surging) Barbara: Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride? Lloyd: I never had a skyak.

Doggie Daycare
(Beeping) Tia: Oh, no. This can't be right. According to my organizer, i'm a loser! (Beeping) Tia: Yep. I'm totally free this weekend. Phil: (Grunts) You? You are totally free? Nothing? I find that hard to believe. Keely: Oh! Problem solved! You're going to festapalooza. Phil: How do you know that? Keely: Festapalooza saturday. Tia: I didn't know it was this weekend. There's gonna be, like, 50 bands there. Phil: Festa...Festapalooza! No way! Festapalooza is legendary. Murray Van Peltin stir-fries his guitar on stage. (Imitates Electric Guitar) And then serves it to the needy. It was crazy! Tia: How do you know that? Phil: Huh? Tia: Well, the concert's not till saturday. How would you know what happens? Keely: Um...Phil gets his tenses confused when he's tired. Sometimes he uses the past tense, sometimes he uses the future tense. Sometimes he's just tense. Phil: I'm hoping that murray, you know, stir-fries his guitar...On stage...Because as we know...That would be really good for the needy. So, I wonder how much tickets are? Keely: 100 Bucks. Phil: How do you know this? (Skywriter) Keely: That guy is good. I could have used him during my ceramics quiz.

 Phil: Hey, Dad? I'm pretty sure the hoses in this century aren't thought-activated. you gotta actually squeeze the handle. Lloyd: Thanks a load, Smarty Trousers. See, every day at this time an ill-mannered dog drops by and leaves a fresh present on our lawn. Today, i'm gonna let him know how i feel about that. Phil: Gotcha. So, while we're waiting, my chance i could borrow 100 bucks to see a concert? Lloyd: Festapalooza, huh? Phil: Yeah, you saw the skywriter? Lloyd: Yeah, I was trimming my nose hairs in the backyard. I looked in the mirror, and i saw it. I thought it said azoolapatsef. Anyway, sorry, Son. You gotta earn that money on your own. (Dog Barking And Yelping) Lloyd: Aw, nut sticks! He did it again! I hate cleaning up after this hound. Phil: Hey, Dad...I'd be happy to clean it up for you. Lloyd: Really? Phil: For 100 bucks. 2 bucks? Lloyd: You got a deal, Mister. (Cash Register Clings) Lloyd: I don't know why people have so many dogs around here. That's what dogs do, you know. Dog...Dog doo. (Laughs) Phil: Pleasure doing business with you. Lloyd: You, too. Thank you. Phil: No. Thank you. I think you just gave me a great idea. Lloyd: Uh...Honey!

 (Squeals) Pim: I got it! I got it! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Berwick. I'm still not seeing how playing catch with yourself is an olympic sport. Debbie: Nana says...That if setting the table was in the olympics, i'd take the gold. Yay! Twistie, twist... Pim: Diffy goes back... Debbie: Finished! Pim: To the wall! Debbie: Pim! Pim: Whoa! Aah! Debbie: Pim! Oh, cloudy skies! I hurt my pimsy! Pim: Nope. i'm good. Debbie: Swell, 'cause if you were hurt, you'd have to miss the rest of gym class! Pim: Nope! I'm damaged! Girl down! Girl down!

 Debbie: If it turns out i injured you in any way, i'll never forgive myself! Pim: Whatever. We're out of gym. Debbie: I--I--I mean it, Pim. I'll carry your books. I'll hold your food tray. You won't need to lift a finger until that ankle is healed. Pim: Now that you mention it, i'm feeling pretty bad. They may have to helicopter me to one of those fancy ankle hospitals. (Sirens In Distance) Nurse Krinsky: Hello? Is--is there any visible blood or nasty ouchies? Debbie: Thankfully, no, Nurse Krinsky. Nurse Krinsky: Oh, good. Whew. You know how queasy i get. Debbie: Okay, Pim, I have to go to class now. You be strong now, You hear? Pim: It's so hard to be strong when you feel so very week! Debbie: What a brave little soldier! (Sniffles)

 Nurse Krinsky: I hate these x-ray thingies. they give me willies. You're fine. (Sighs) I gotta get another job. You're free to go. I'm sure your friend Debbie will be happy to hear you're okay. Pim: Well, we can't have Debbie happy, now can we? Nurse Krinsky: Why not? Debbie likes to be happy. She put smiley faces on all my tongue depressors. Pim: Oh, isn't that sweet? Mama just hatched herself a plan.

 Pim: (Straining) Sorry i'm late, Teach. I narrowly escaped death. Debbie: P.B. and J! I feel horrible! Here, Pim, let me help you to your seat. Pim: No, no. I've got to get the hang of this myself. (Groans) Darnsies! I'm so uncoordinated! Debbie: Here, let me get that. Don't you worry about a thing, Pim. Until you're healed, I am at your service.

 Keely: So, what's this business idea of yours? Phil: All right. What's the one thing that pickford is bustling with? Keely: Tomatoes. Phil: Tomatoes, and...Dogs! Huh? Little ones, big ones, skinny ones, fat ones. Keely: Hairy ones, bald ones, small ones, tall ones. Sorry. I thought we were playing a word game. Phil: And what's the one thing that all dogs have in common? Keely: (Gasps) They...You know. Ugh. Phil: Exactly! At least once a day! And all owners hate to scoop. That's where we come in. We do the job that no one wants to do. Keely: Okay, but can't we offer more service than that? Phil: More service? Keely: Phil! I can't just go to a dog's house and not play with them. Phil: Fine. We are a full-service doggy day care. See, the way i figure it, we can have those festapalooza tickets in a couple of days. (Brakes Screech) Tia: Hey, Guys. I just got my ticket. Oh, are you guys still coming to the concert? Phil: Absolutely. Hey, we just started a doggy scooping business. What to join? Tia: And...I'm out. Keely: It's not just poop! We're full service! Phil: Hey, her loss, right? We're gonna have fun. We'll be our own bosses. We'll be out in the fresh...Almost fresh air! Which reminds me, I actually got Curtis to do some of the dirty work. Hey, C-Man! (Chuckles) Curtis: (Speaks Gibberish) Phil: I think it just may be his calling.

 Debbie: Okay. That's close enough.

 Debbie: Is that fluffy enough for you? Pim: Could be fluffier. Debbie: Say no more. You need to be relaxed in order to heal. I'll find you the fluffiest pillow of them all! Pim: (Laughs) Lloyd: Hey, Pim. What happened to you? Pim: Oh, this. Uh...Debbie wants to be a nurse when she grows up, so i let her bandage me. As practice. Lloyd: Oh, well...that's awfully nice of you. Pim: Helping friends reach their goals...That's why i was put on this earth. Lloyd: Say, Debbie, What do you think of this ingrown hair i have here? Debbie: I think it's cute. Pim: Hey, Debs, You know, all this being in pain is making me thirsty. Score me a root beer, will ya? Debbie: Absolutely. Anything you need. Pim: Oh! And now that you mention it, my spanish homework needs doing. Know what i mean, slappy? (Laughs)

 Phil: This is Mad Max's house. His owner said he'd be locked inside. Keely: Why do you think they call him Mad Max? Phil: 'Cause he sells electronics at rock-bottom prices. "Beware Of The Dog." "It's A Big, Mean Dog. Chomp, Chomp." (Squeak) (Thud) Keely: "I'd Turn Back If I Were You." Good idea. Phil: No! No, you don't. Mad Max: (Growling) (Snarling) Phil: Hi, Max. You're sure you're not a bear? Keely: Heh. Mad Max: (Snarling) Keely: Are you a good boy? Mad Max: (Growling) Keely: Guess Not. Mad Max: (Snarling) Both: (Screaming) Mad Max: (Barking) Keely: Phil, I think he's mad at us. Phil: Hmm. You think? Let me find out. Uh, see, there's a function on my wizard. It interprets animal sounds. What'cha thinking, Max? Huh? You're all bark, right, pal? Mad Max: (Male Voice) Another move and i'll rip your appendix out and use it as a chew toy. (Growling)

 Keely: Mad Max, we're sorry. We didn't mean to disturb you. Phil: But the thing is, if you back up a few feet. We'll be on our way. All right? have a nice day. We'll see you later. Bye-bye. Mad Max: (Male Voice) Yeah, right. Have a nice day. I got a tick the size of a cockapoo. My master, he want off to college. Keely: Your master left you? Mad Max: Yeah, he was my best friend. Now i just feel like biting something. Phil: Uh, well, i'll tell you, Max. We'll be your friends, huh? Mad Max: Hmm. Why would you want to be my friend? Keely: Because you seem like a fun guy. Not fun in a laugh-out-loud kind of way, but more of a pleasant grumpiness. Mad Max: (Male Voice) Really? Phil: Sure. So it's settled, huh? We'll come by and see you tomorrow. Let us down without...Eating us. Thanks. Keely: See you tomorrow, Maximilian! Mad Max: (Male Voice) Wow! No one ever calls me Maximilian anymore. Phil: Well, we do, 'cause we're your friends. Let's get out of here. Keely: Yeah. Mad Max: Yo, aren't you forgetting something? Hey, I left you a little present. I'm sorry. I didn't have time to wrap it. (Chuckles) Phil: You want to get this one? 'Cause my hands are full.

 Debbie: Here comes the choo choo train! Pim: What the--Huh? Debbie, how did you get in my house? Debbie: I copied your key at the shoe repair shop in little tokyo. I also gave Mr. Yamaguro all of your platform shoes to be cut down. You'll be wearing flats from now on, my little patient! Pim: How long have i been asleep? Debbie: A long time. Did you know that you talk in your sleep? You have a sailor's mouth. You must have cable. Pim: All right, get me out of this thing!

 Mad Max: (Growls) Phil: (Stutters) How did you get in here? Mad Max: (Barks) Phil: Oh, right. I'm sorry. Mad Max: (Whimpering) (Male Voice) I let myself in. Oh, Phil, I gotta talk to you. Phil: All right, but make it quick, all right? I'm headed off to festapalooza. Mad Max: So i found out this morning that Jimmy's not coming home from college this weekend. Phil: Jimmy...Oh, right, your master. Oh, gee, that's too bad. I am sorry about that, Man. Mad Max: I tell you, I am so bummed. I've been drinking toilet water all day. Phil: Oh, Max, i've tried that, and it's not the answer. Mad Max: (Whimpers) Phil: Hey, would a head scratch help? Mad Max: It wouldn't hurt. Oh, yeah, that's good. Now the ears. Now the neck.

 28 Minutes Later... Mad Max: Aw, the chest. That's right. That's the stuff. I remember when i was a puppy and my master picked me up from that pet adoption place. Back then, you could pick me up. (Laughs) That was the happiest day of my life. Phil: Uh, that's fascinating max, but...I'm gonna be late, and my hand's really starting to cramp up, so... Mad Max: But it's trash day. I thought we could go for a talk and sniff. Phil: Any other day i could, but...I gotta go. Mad Max: (Whimpering) Phil: Here's one of my dad's dirty socks. Knock yourself out. Mad Max: (Whimpers)

 Keely: I got my travel wipes, and 2 quarters duct-taped to my calves in case my cell phone doesn't work. Frog: (Ribbit) (Ribbit) Phil: What about that giant foam finger of yours? Keely: (Gasps) Chunks and scraps! I forgot it! Frog: (Ribbit Ribbit) Keely: Phil, is there a frog following us? Frog: (Ribbit) Phil: He's probably trying to follow us to the concert. Frog: (Croaks) (Croaking) Keely: Use the wizard on him. Frog: (Croaking) Phil: Okay, but i'm not sure it'll work on amphibians. Frog: I've been looking all over for you, Guys. Mad Max is straight buggin'! Keely: Really? What's wrong with him? Frog: I don't know. He busted out of his crib. Said nobody cares. Talkin' about makin' a fresh start somewhere. Phil: But he just came by to see me. I thought he was going home. Keely: Wait, Phil, you knew he was upset, and you just left him? Phil: No! No, I mean...I gave him a sock. Keely: He could get lost! He could get hurt! Frog: Yo, he could get jacked. Keely: Yeah, he could get jacked! Phil: All right, Keely, we'll go to the concert. Then, after we get back, if he's still gone, we'll go and look for him. Keely: (Sighs) Do what you want. I'm outta here. Phil: Wait, no...Keely! But he's just a dog! (Mechanical Whirring) (Horn Honking) Tia: Yoo-hoo! Yeah, the concert's this way. If she's going home to change outfits...I don't blame her. Phil: No, she's all upset about this dog Max. I--I don't know what she's so freaked out about. Tia: That's Keely. I've known her since the first grade. Yeah, she probably thinks she's doing the right thing. Phil: The--The right thing? Tia: (Sighs) See, Phil, there are 2 types of people in this world--people like Keely, who are always thinking about other people. Then there are people like us, who i call...Happy people. Phil: So you can't...Do the right thing and be happy? Tia: Well, all i know is my way works. Hey, now, you probably won't be able to get backstage. So i'll see you back at school on...Monday. At lest let me sell your tickets! (Scoffs) Unhappy person.

 Keely: Max? Max? (Dog Barking) Keely: (Gasps) Max! Phil: Oh! Oh! Oh, what? Keely: Phil, what are you doing here? I thought i heard max. Phil: Oh, yeah, that was just me. I was calling him in his own language. Max, come on, Boy. It's me--Phil. Come here. (Barking) Keely: (Sighs) So why aren't you at the concert? Phil: This is more important. I made a commitment to a friend. Keely: Heh. Don't do this for me. Phil: I'm not. Keely: Oh. Phil: I'm doing it for Max. Keely: Good. Now, where does a dog go when he wants to make a fresh start? Phil: Huh... Keely: (Sighs) Phil: No, wait. Max did say something back at the house. What...That was it! Keely: Yes!

 (Dogs Barking) Keely: Oh, my gosh--Max's bandana! Phil: There's Max. Keely: Hey, Max! Phil: Hey, Buddy, you want to come talk to us over here? Keely: Come on. Come here. Mad Max: What are you doin' here? Oh, you want a puppy, too? Keely: No, Max, we're here to take you back home. Mad Max: Heh, right. No one wants a cranky old gas bag like me. Phil: Hey, that's not true. I know i said i'd be your friend, and i wasn't acting like it, so i'm sorry. But i'm promise to visit you every day and scratch you till my fingers fall off. Keely: Max, Phil missed the concert to look for you. Mad Max: Really? You missed festapalooza for me? Phil: Yeah. No biggie. Mad Max: You idiot. There's gonna be about 50 bands there. Just kidding. I appreciate it. Keely: Come on. Let's get out of here. Come on! Mad Max: So you missed the concert, eh? well, I got a pretty good voice. Phil: Oh, yeah? Mad Max: (Singing) If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. Take it away, Phil. Phil: I don't think so. No.

We'll Fix It In Editing

 * Keely: Phil's a perfectionist!
 * Phil (leans down into his locker): No, I'm not!

Halloween

 * Pim: Berwick! You're GOING DOWN!
 * Debbie: (as Pim eats a cupcake) Don't! Pim! Pim! Pim, no! (as oters eat cupcakes) Don't! No! No! Don't! NOOOOOOOOO! (voice becoming distorted)No! No! (starts to melt) No! No! No! No!

Age Before Beauty

 * Phil: Uh... Hello.
 * 25-year-old Keely: Hello, Philip Diffy. Is that orange juice for me?
 * Phil: Uh, no, it's for a friend of mine but...
 * 25-year-old Keely: Ah, you mean that little cutie Keely Teslow, the one who is smart, and funny, and one day, gonna look just like this!
 * Phil: No way! Keely, you look incredible and I can't believe you took the New-Ager.
 * 25-year-old Keely: Phil, I'm sorry. I just want to see what I'd look like. But, here! I got it right here. You can zap me back to 14 right now. Can you believe it?

Neander-Phil

 * Debbie: Are there any conditions about making doily hats?
 * Pim: I'm sure there is. (flips through papers) Doily hats? Doily hats? Doily hats? It's not in here!!
 * Debbie: (clapping) Yay! Break out the safety scissors!

 * Keely: Phil, I have something to tell you. It's kinda akward for me that your here with Alice. I'm talking about the "J" word. Jealous. You know what I mean?
 * Curtis (in Phil's body): Uh-ka kunga.
 * Keely: Fine, I guess no one can be seen talking to the lonely bus girl.

Double Trouble

 * Barbara (to Lloyd): Why were you invisible getting the paper?
 * Lloyd: Because I didn't want the neighbors to see me in my undies.
 * Pim: Couldn't you have spared us?!

 * Keely: Last thing a girl wants is her brother in her personal business.

 * Jerry: This isn't my sandwich.
 * Pim: And you're not getting one. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Milkin' It

 * Keely (to Phil): So, tennis tomorrow?
 * Phil: Oh, absolutely. You're going down.
 * Keely: In your tennis dreams!

 * Lana: Oh look, little Pim is shy.
 * Pim: Shy, my eye!

Corner Pocket

 * Tia: I'm cue ball! Don't knock me in!
 * Keely: I'm cue stick! I'm long and thin!
 * Phil: I'm cue-ter! I aim to win!

Team Diffy

 * Keely: Phil, you're obviously upset. You always crack nuts when you're upset.
 * Phil: Keel, just give me another walnut. I'm not upset.
 * (Keely passes Phil a nut)
 * Phil: (yelling) That's not a walnut, that's a Brazil nut. Come on, Keely. Get your head in the game!

 * Mayor De Luca (after he was just pantsed by Andy with his wizard) Look away, kids!!! Look away!!!

Versa Day

 * Phil: (as Pim) Keely, there's something I have to tell you about Phil.
 * Keely: Forget it. I will never forgive Phil.
 * Phil: (as Pim) I'm Phil.
 * Keely: (sarcastically) Oh, sure! Nice skirt, "Phil"!
 * Phil: (as Pim) When you were 10, you accidentally let your pet hamster lose, but you told your mom the Hamster Liberation Front broke in and set it free.
 * Keely: I can't believe Phil told you that!
 * Phil: (as Pim) You told me that. I'm Phil.
 * Keely: Phil?!
 * Phil: (as Pim) Candida and the Fashion Zombies are planning to torture Pim at lunch. I have to stop them.
 * Keely: After all the horrible stuff she's done to you, why would you help her?
 * Phil: (as Pim) Pim can be a little mean, some would say "evil", but after switching places with her, I realize how tough she has it.
 * Keely: So, what are you gonna do?
 * Phil: (as Pim) Well, I have a plan, but I need help. How fast can you spread the word?
 * Keely: (pulls out her cell phone) Speed of light!
 * Phil: (as Pim) Well, that's a little slow, but it will do.
 * Keely: You got it, Phil. Phil, this is the girl's room! Get the heck out of here!

Virtu-Date

 * Keely: Well, I don't have a great taste in boyfriends, but at least I have a great taste in boys...who are friends.
 * Phil: Yeah, that's me. Friend boy.

 * Phil: You're just being a...Flirty McFlirtinhopper!
 * Keely: I am not a Flirty Mc...Whatyousaid!

The Giggle

 * Mr. Messerschmitt: Because there is such a test, a test so difficult that no student has ever passed: the Omicron Gambit.
 * Phil: The Omicron Gambit?
 * Mr. Messerschmitt: The Omicron Gambit is a test of my own creation, It has been banned in seventeen school districts and for some reason, Chile. I've only given it once to an 11th grader, Stacy Pimpkins. How's it coming, Stacy?
 * (An old lady is shown)
 * Stacy: I'm going to miss cheerleading practice!

Dinner Time

 * Lloyd: Pim, let it go.
 * Pim: Vice Principal is our next-door neighbor. I will never let it go.

 * Keely: Guess what! I got us tickets to a sneak preview of "Samurai Love You."
 * Phil: Ooh, Samurai-don't-think-so; it sounds like a chick-flick. I'm out.
 * Keely: Come on, I went to that science fiction movie and sat through two and a half hours of you going "Wrong, wrong, wrong!"
 * Phil: But it was all wrong!

Tia, Via, or Me...Uh

 * Phil (to Keely): I don't wanna be your girlfriend. I wanna be your boyfriend.....I mean, your friend . . . who's a boy. A guy. A guy friend.
 * Keely: Why didn't you tell me?
 * Phil: I didn't know how.
 * Keely : Phil, you can tell me anything....I'm your girlfriend. I, I, I mean . . . your friend who's a girl. A gal. A gal friend.

 * Keely (kisses Phil on cheek): That's for introducing me to Via.
 * Phil: I get a kiss every time I introduce you to a girl? (grabs a random girl in hall) What's your name? Have you met Keely?
 * Keely: Hi, Jenna.
 * Owen: Hey there, Jenna. Where ya goin'? Owen's this way!

Get Ready To Go-Go

 * Phil: Of course not, I'm just adorable!

Time Release Capsule

 * Phil: I thought being remembered a hundred years from now wasn't important. But I'd give a hundred years of memories just to remember the most important, special, wonderful person I've ever met: Keely Teslow.

 * Pim: Start forking over the green stuff! The higher the domination, the sooner this bell stops ringing!

Mummy's Boy

 * Pim (to a boy): You! Drop and give me twenty! (the boy drops to floor and does push-ups) Um, nice form and all, but I meant twenty dollars.

 * Keely: Come here, mister, you just saved the field trip. (hugs Phil)
 * Curtis: Next time hug Curtis shave Phil.
 * Keely: Oh, come here.
 * Curtis: No, too late.

Maybe-sitting

 * Keely: Yes, no! Darn. Sunday, our house is being tented.
 * '''Phil: Termites?
 * Keely: No. Sunday, my uncle's coming to visit. He's a clown, if he doesn't feel at home, he gets pretty angry.

 * Keely (to Joel): Your dad doesn't come home until...MESSERSCHMITT!
 * Pim: MESSERSCHMITT!
 * Candida: MESSERSCHMITT!
 * Phil: Messer-ba-ba...what she said!

Good Phil Hunting

 * Mr. Hackett: (after Pim's hair frizzes out) No smoking!

 * Phil (to Keely): What happened after we left advanced math? Are we busted? Does Hackett know it's me?
 * Keely: Nope. After Hackett called me a genius, he gave us independent study so we could each work on our own math problems. I figured out that if you punch in 07734 on a calculator and turn it upside down, it spells hello! (begins to laugh)

 * Mr. Hackett (to Keely): How could you know the answer to such a difficult mathematical equation?
 * Keely: I'm a good guesser.
 * Mr. Hackett: That was no guess. The last student who guessed said, "corduroy."

Pim-cipal

 * (Phil and Keely enter an empty room)
 * Keely: Is everyone here?
 * Phil: Yes (flips on the lights)
 * (Keely looks around at the empty room)
 * Phil: We are now The Resistance. We keep everything secret and we figure out a way to break Pim down. Now the first thing we need is....
 * Keely: Code names! Yeah....
 * Phil: I was going to say we need a plan, but yeah, we can do code names. All right, we'll call you White Panther.
 * Keely: That is so me! Oh! And you can be Mr. Fuzzy Bear.
 * Phil: I give you a name like White Panther and I get Fuzzy Bear? I don't think so, call me....call me....Midnight Cobra.
 * Keely: Okay, okay. Midnight Whatever. Ha. (whispers) Fuzzy Bear.

 * Phil: All right, next question. "This debate hurls corn." That's not a question.

 * Keely (to Phil): It was fun being in the resistance. What else can we resist?
 * Phil: Uhh, how about "Fish Stick Friday" in the cafeteria?
 * Keely: Perfect! But we're going to need entirely new code names.
 * Phil: All right, but this time, I get to pick. All right, you can be Kitten Velor and I'll be Dash Unicorn.
 * Keely: (laughs) Okay.
 * Phil: Wait, wait, no....
 * Keely: Nope. Too late.
 * Phil: Dash Manly?

Phil of the Garage
Phil: (Yawning Loudly) (Sniffs a shirt) Whoa! Hohh! That's not clean. Barbara: Good morning, Sweetheart. Breakfast is ready. Phil: Mom, I'm not dressed! Barbara: (Laughing) Oh, Phil, I was there the day you popped out of your natal pod. You don't have anything i haven't seen already. Phil: Yeah, except for the sign on the door that says "Please Knock." Lloyd: Hey, Phil! That "Please Knock" sign is lookin' a little shabby. I'll touch it up for you as soon as i store these photon conduits. Phil: Dad, Look. I know that space in the garage is a little tight right now, But why does my room have to become your storage closet? Lloyd: Because the sign on Pim's door says "Keep Out Or Else," and i don't want to find out what "Or Else" means. Phil: Well, I don't have room for all this junk. Computer: This unit is not junk. Lloyd: Be careful what you say around the time engine C.P.U. It's a little emotionally unstable right now. Computer: This unit reads lips, you know. and this unit's going through a lot right now. Phil: Well, if it's ok with everyone else in this family. I kinda find getting dressed a little bit of a private affair. Lloyd: No Problem. I got some more stuff to bring up, anyway. Phil: (Puts shirt over the unit)(Sighs) Nothing personal. Computer: Nothing this unit hasn't seen already. (He changes with the wizard and is in swiss clothes) (Swiss Yodeling Music Plays) Phil: (Gasps) Pim! Do You Think This Is Funny? Pim: Not yet...But it'll be hilarious on the front page of my blog. (Yodeling Music)

 Lloyd: Hey, Everybody, I'm thinkin' tonight's the night for game night. Pim: Dad, You're still shy 20 large from last month's game of snakes and ladders, blood-sport edition. Lloyd: Well, I have finally found a present-day game that i can win. It's called (Mispronouncing) Charad-Zah. Barbara: Ooh, charad-zah! Sounds fancy. We're gonna need some cheese. Phil: It's not called charad-zah. It's called charades. All right? And if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a rain check. Lloyd: Rain check. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. I haven't even lost yet. Barbara: Phil, It's game night. Don't you want to spend time with your family? Phil: I think i spend enough time with you all in my room. You just walk in whenever you want. You store all your time machine junk in there, and you(Pim)...Live here. It--(Sighs) Don't get me wrong. All right? I love almost all of you, but i think what i really need is some privacy in my own room. (Loud Rumbling) Pim: Sounds like your own room is about to blow a gasket. Lloyd: Maybe i shouldn't have stored the hysterical fuel cells next to the self-propelled spark rods. (Crashing) (Clattering And Breakage) Lloyd: Yeah, that was probably a mistake. Phil: My room! Pim: You're not getting any privacy with that giant gaping hole in your floor. Tough break, Kid. Phil: This is way too big to fix for the wizard. Maybe dad will lend me some of his future tools. Lloyd: Are you kidding? My tools are calibrated for high-tech plastics and composites, not for wood and nails. They're extremely, extremely sensitive. (Clatter) Lloyd: Oh. Little help, please? Phil: Well, where am i gonna sleep? Barbara: You'll just have to bunk with Pim until we can get this fixed. Together: (Laughing) Phil: That was a good one, Mom. Pim: Yeah, way to cut the tension. Phil: Oh...Oh, i'd rather live in the garage. Barbara: Well, i'm open to any better ideas. Phil: I'd rather live in the garage. Lloyd: Hey, I think that's a great--ly...Bad idea. Greatly bad. Barbara: I--I hate to say it, but i agree with your father. you are too young to be living in the garage. Pim: I say it's high time to push him out of the nest and say, "Fly, Baby Bird! Spread those wings and make us proud." Lloyd: I agree with your mother. Barbara: I haven't said anything yet. Lloyd: Oh, it's just kind of a technicality, isn't it? Pim: Mom, you just said phil is so young, he should live in the garage. Barbara: No...I Didn't. Phil: Uh, that's what i heard. Lloyd: I'm just sayin' i agree. Phil: What's it gonna be, Mom? (Suspense Music Builds) Barbara: Just...Until-- Phil: Yes! Thank You! Thank You! Pim: The house...Is mine! All mine! Barbara: Pim! I've told you a hundred times if you're gonna disappear under cover of a smoke bomb, take it outside! Pim: (Distantly) Sorry, Mom.

 Phil: I really appreciate you makin' room for me, Curtis. Curtis: Uh...Uhh...Tsee-tonga. Phil: What's the matter? Curtis: Newcomer not allowed live inside without first ceremony of king. Ah. (Chuckles) Phil: Is this gonna take long? Curtis: Curtis must thank sun, earth wind. 3 days. Phil: Can we speed it up a little? Curtis: Hmm...Ahh, we no thank wind. 2 minutes, Tops. Ceremony begin! Tseeaahhh...Tseee...Tonga! (Thunder) Phil: Thank the wind! Thank the wind! Curtis: Um...Sun tonga! Tonga! (Bird Tweets) Curtis: Wind very persnickety today. Phil: Yeah. Curtis: Okay. Ha ha! Phil: Where do i put my bags? Curtis: No, no! Not there! No! Not there. Just give Curtis. (Clattering) Curtis: Switch that make magic light here. Box that make magic picture...Here. (Fly Buzzes) Phil: What's This? Curtis: Honor bar. Phil: This is awesome! Curtis: Curtis run a few errands. Phil need anything? Phil: No, no, i'm good. Curtis: Okay. Okay. Tsee tonga. Hey, Girlie. Keely: Hey, Phil. I came...By to...See the new... Phil: What do you think? Keely: It's a garage. Phil: I know! Isn't this the coolest place to live ever? Keely: Yeah, if you're a car. (Chuckles) Phil: I admit it's no swanky penthouse in the pickford swank district. You know, this is my chance to get free from under my parents! Keely: You're right. I'm--I'm sorry. I think you can really do a lot with this place. and the first thing we're gonna do is throw you a garage-warming party.

 Barbara: (Sighs) Pim: Feed me. Come on, Ma. I'm on empty. Barbara: I...Set 4 places for breakfast, but we only need (Tearfully) 3. Seems like only yesterday that phil ate breakfast here. Pim: It was yesterday. Barbara: Remember the first day...Right after he moved out? Pim: That's now. You're being nostalgic about now! Barbara: I know it's hard for you to understand, Pim. When you get older, you'll see that time really does fly. Lloyd: Has anyone seen my Welder's helmet? Pim: Not if dad's the pilot. Barbara: Lloyd, have you made any headway with the floor repair? Lloyd: Sweetie, you're forgetting we don't live in the 22nd century, where you have everything you need with the press of a button. I'm gonna have to go out and find a place that specializes in hammers, nails, uh, paints, plaster. It's not like i can quit my job at the hardware store and then just...Wait a minute. I just thought of a place.

 Phil: Bruno. Hey. Phil Diffy. How's the H.G. Wells star quarterback? Hey, congrats on winning the fingerbowl last week. Yeah. Listen, Keely and i are throwing a housewarming party at my place tonight. Uh, and, well, you're on the short list. Yeah. I--I got my own crib out back. (Loud Vacuuming) Phil: Hello! Bruno?! Bruno! Hey...I Gotta go. Curtis, i was on the phone. Curtis: Feet also on table. Where'd you learn manners? Barnyard? Phil: I'm not the caveman here. Curtis: Could fool Curtis. Phil clothes. Oh, Phil, Phil. Now...Curtis clothes. Phil books...Curtis books. Curtis arrange by author...Then subject. Phil: Are you finished? Curtis: Now we talk about throwing party without Curtis approval? Phil: Okay. I just moved away from my mother. I don't need another one. Curtis: Then stop acting like child. Phil: I am not a child. I'm a responsible adult...Like person, and i don't need your permission to throw a party. Curtis: In Curtis cave, you play by Curtis rules. Phil: Okay, technically this isn't a cave. And even more technically, this cave is my garage! Curtis: Oh! Phil claim Curtis cave?! Phil: Oh, you don't scare me. Curtis: Arrhh! Phil: Okay. Okay. You scare me a little. Lloyd: Phil! Great news. Phil: What? Lloyd: First of all, in the 21st century, there are these places called hardware stores. I work at one! Ha ha! Barbara: Your father found some present-day tools me can use to fix your floor. You'll be able to move back in no time. Curtis: Yeah. Pim: What?! (Door Slams) (Footsteps) (Door Opens And Closes) (Second Footsteps) (Second Door Opens And Closes) (Third Footsteps) Pim: I couldn't help but overhear. Phil: Look, i don't want to move back in. I like it out here. Pim: And i like him out here. Barbara: Phil, you are too young to be living in the garage. Phil: When are you going to get it? I'm not a little kid anymore. Lloyd: Barb, it's not gonna hurt to let Phil give it a shot. Curtis: Wait. Curtis no want to live in garage with Phil. Phil: Then you can live in my room. Pim: (Laughing) Yes! Curtis: Mmm...Curtis on board. Lloyd: Well, ho-hold on. Hold on. Phil's bedroom floor isn't fixed yet. It's gonna take quite a while. Curtis: You got a lumber, floor joists, perhaps a plumb line? Lloyd: Yeah. Curtis: Curtis solve problem right now.

 Lloyd: Nice job. Curtis: Yeah. Barbara: I'm not crazy about the rug. (Gasps) Curtis: Uh, Curtis still have to sand it. Phil: Great. Uh, Curtis can have my room, and i'll take the garage. Barbara: If you want to break a mother's heart! Phil: Don't worry. I'm still your little boy...Barb.

 Barbara: Ohhh...My baby's come home. Phil: Got to stop doing that every time i walk in the door, Barb. Mrs. Diffy? Mom? Lloyd: Ah. A little snack for game night? Phil: Actually, Dad...Mr. Diffy, Lloyd? Lloyd: What? It's fun. Phil: I...Am throwin' a little party at my place tonight. Lloyd: Well, since you want to be, uh, treated as an adult... Phil: "Bill For Food"? (Chuckles) Get this stuff cheaper at the store. Lloyd: You're paying for convenience. That's why i located here. And while we're on the subject... Phil: Gas...Electric...Water, internet? Lloyd: Welcome to grown-up world. You get the gains, you get the pains. Phil: (Chuckles) Very funny, Lloyd.

 (Party Music Playing) Keely: I have to admit...This place looks amazing. You'd never even know it's a garage. (Loud Knocking) Phil: Hupp, got it! (Door Opener Hums) Phil: Hey...Bruno! And you brought your crew. Come on in, Bruno's crew. Bruno: Cool. You got your own place. Phil: Yeah. Yeah. Would've been long ago, but, you know, parents couldn't bear to lose me. You can see their house from here. Bruno: Brought you a little housewarming. Some of Bruno's famous slaw. Phil: It's...It's empty. Bruno: We got caught in traffic. Keely: Congratulations on winning the teriyaki poll. Bruno: You know, Keely, uh...All we can really do is try. But when you try with a little umph, you get umph out of your try...Which makes triumph. (Chuckles) (Sigh Uncomfortably) Bruno: That's right. Chew on that while i chew on this. (Circuit Breaker Shuts Off) Phil: All right, Everbody, just relax. I'll handle this...And, Bruno, that--that's me, not Keely. Bruno: Sorry. (Indistinct Chatter) Phil: That's still me. Lloyd, you turned off the electricity in the garage. Lloyd: Sorry, Phil, but you didn't pay your bill. Phil: But we just got this party started. Can't you wait to turn off the electricity till later, like, when i go to sleep? Lloyd: Sure...In kid world, but this is adult world, where electricity goes off when you don't pay your bills. Keely: Phil, everybody's gonna head home! I mean...What can a bunch of teenagers do in a garage in the dark with no parental supervision? Phil: You're right. All right. Well, thanks for comin'. Bruno: F.Y.I...The slaw container's not dishwasher-safe, so if you could just give it a quick little rinse-ski...that'd be good. Keely: I'm gonna head home, too. Happy garage. Lloyd: Phil. Why don't you come in the house for dinner and game night? You can be on my team for (Mispronouncing) Charades! Phil: That is my home, and that's where i'm staying. I don't need electricity, and i don't need you! (Clattering) Phil: Can you at least keep the electricity on until i get to the couch? Thank you.

 Barbara: Curtis. It was so nice of you to cook tonight. Curtis: Thanks, Mom. Lloyd: And delicious! What was this? Beef? Pork? Chicken? Curtis: Uh...Just say...Not fast runner. Lloyd: Oh. Pim: There are so many things i like about Curtis. He's not Phil, he was no Phil-like qualities, and, unlike Phil, he's someone other than Phil. Curtis: Oh! Curtis like Pim, too. Pim pretty...And smart. Pim: Thank you, Curtis. Curtis: Pim good digger, too. Pim: That's enough, Curtis. Lloyd: Digger? Curtis: Curtis find excellent tunnels from Pim's room to back fence. Uh, main tunnel, side tunnel, emergency tunnel-- Pim: Zip it, Curtis! Barbara: Tunnels? Curtis: Pim very thoughtful, too. Only use dead of night so not wake up Barb and Lloyd. Barbara: You...Are grounded. 2 weeks for every tunnel you made. Lloyd: And we mean above-grounded. Pim: You knuckle-dragging yaboo! Curtis: Nrrahh! Lloyd: Enough! We are all gonna join in a rousing game of (Mispronouncing) Charades and have a jolly old time. Okay? Do i make myself clear? Both: Yes, Dad. Barbara: Honey, how can we have game night without the whole family? Lloyd: I've already asked Phil, honey, and he'd rather be in his garage. he loves it there.

 Barbara: Um...Oh...Oh! Oh! Ooh...Oh! Romeo and Juliet! Lloyd: Yeah! Barbara: Yes! Lloyd: Yay! The score--Curtis and Pim, zip, the almighty megalatrons, 3! Pim: You'd think someone who could barely talk would be better at this game. Curtis: Ooh, Curtis cut in 2 by Pim wit. Barbara: Pim, your turn. Lloyd: Here we go. Ha ha! Curtis: Focus! 3 word! Last word. Run! Leave! Go! Uh, Pim go! Pim dig! Oh. Pim dig tunnel and leave house! Bad Pim. Pim grounded. Pim: That's it! You're done! Lloyd: Pim, down! Curtis: Pim no scare Curtis. Pim: Rahrr! Curtis: Okay, Pim scare Curtis a little.

 Phil: They're really havin' fun in there.

 Pim: Just give me 5 seconds with him! Lloyd: Now, Pim, calm down! Curtis: Makalowa tsee-tonga! Barbara: Curtis! Watch your language! Get--Oh! (Screaming And Crashing) Lloyd: Ohh! Ooh!

 Phil: Ohh! Ohh! How'd you sneak in here? Tunnel number 3? Pim: You know about 3-zie? Phil: I've always known. I've just never told mom and dad. Pim: Too bad jurassic the clown doesn't share your code of honor. One day, and he's already gotten me grounded for a month. Phil: Well, let's just hope he doesn't figure out your plan to breed and market attack squirrels. Pim: You know about that, too? See? You're a much more worthy opponet. Too bad you're out of here, right? Phil: (Sighs) I'll break my rule and be honest with you. I don't really love being on my own, but if i tell mom and dad, then i'm right back where i started. Pim: I'm seeing a mutually beneficial arrangement. I get rid of Curtis and you get your room back without groveling. Phil: Look, I am willing to try anything if it gets me back into the house and lets me keep my new-found maturity. Pim: So why'd you sneak in here anyway? Forget your blankie? Phil: No. Just a small swatch of fabric that means absolutely nothing to me.

 Pim: (Wheezing) (Whimpering) Lloyd: Whoa! Pim! Barbara: What's wrong, Sweetheart? Lloyd: Another nightmare about the collapse of the capitalist system? Pim: (Whining) I miss my big brother. Lloyd: Are we both dreaming the same dream or did Pim just say she misses Phil? Barbara: It's Pim and she's our little girl and she misses our little boy. Lloyd: And when did she get freckles? Barbara: Lloyd, we are losing touch with our children! Pim: (As A Baby) Is Phil ever coming back? Barbara: Lloyd, I don't care how you do it, I want you to convince Phil to move back in. Lloyd: Okay, honey, first thing in the morning. Pim: (Slap) Lloyd: Aah! You mean now, don't you? Pim: Thank you, Daddykins. Barbara: I'm coming with, Honey. Pim: (Whimpering) (Door Closes) Pim: (Sighs) Ahh, this mattress flexes to meet my every curve.

 Lloyd: Hi, Phil! Phil: Lloyd. Barb. Barbara: Well, won't you come in? Lloyd: Is there any way we can convince you to move back into your old room? Phil: Gee, Lloyd, I don't know. Barbara: We promise to always knock before entering your room. Lloyd: It's your sister Pim, she really misses you. Phil: Oh. Well, if it's for Pim...Sure. (Scoffs) Kids, huh? Barbara: He really is growing up. Oh! He dropped his blankie.

It's a Wonder-Phil Life

 * Mr. Hackett: He's beautiful! Can I keep him?
 * Phil: He's...yours.
 * Mr. Hackett: Yippee!! Ya know, two is such a couple, but three would be like my own little party!
 * (Phil makes another replicate of Mr. Hackett)
 * Mr. Hacketts: Yippee!!

Christmas Break

 * Lloyd: Look at all the aluminum foil!
 * Barbara: Lloyd, put it back.

 * Keely: Phil Diffy, you are the most wonderful boy I have ever known.

 * Phil: So I actually saved us?
 * Lloyd: I guess so.
 * Pim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, he's the bad kid for 10 seconds and that's it? I will not stand for this injustice!!
 * Barbara: Wanna put the star on top of the tree?
 * Pim: 'Kay.

Stuck in the Meddle With You

 * Keely: Hey, did you happen to notice how Kyle was looking at Brenda in math?
 * Phil: Keely, have you not learned your lesson? Meddling only leads to trouble.
 * Keely: Yeah, sorry. It just drives me crazy when two people, who are meant to be together, are too clueless to do anything about it. Wow the stars are beautiful tonight.
 * (Phil is looking at Keely)
 * Phil: Yeah.

Broadcast Blues

 * Keely: Breaking news! Four went home sick this morning after eating the low-fat cina-pork muffins in the cafeteria. Was it the pork? Was it the Cina? (in a scary voice) Or was it the muffin? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You'll find out on "Keely Teslow Investigates." I'm Keely Teslow.

 * Keely: Actually, I'm here to see Pim.
 * Barbara: Why, what did she do to you?
 * Keely: N-nothing.
 * Barbara: (screams) Lloyd, get the checkbook!
 * Keely: No, really...
 * Barbara: Honey, whatever she broke, injured or humiliated, we will take care of it.
 * Keely: Honestly, everything's fine.
 * Lloyd: Hey, what's the with the hardball? Just give me a round number.

 * Phil: Hey, Keely is more than just a pretty face, okay? She has a brain for facts, and a nose for news and a mouth for saying facts and news.

Happy Nird-day

 * Phil (to Keely): The cake has a smiley face because whenever we're together you make me smile and there are flowers cause you like wearing them in your hair and the candles smell like lavender cause I like ... you hate it, don't you?
 * Keely: This is the sweetest, most wonderful, incredibly beautiful thing anyone's ever done for me.
 * Phil: But, Owen had the surprise party and all this confetti and ...
 * Keely: What Owen did was nice, but what you did was out of this world. You don't need some science fiction thing to impress me. You know me.

Ill of the Future

 * Phil: Dad, Pim's being nice to me!
 * Lloyd: (sighs) Pim, stop being nice to your brother.
 * Pim: I can't help it!
 * Lloyd: Well then, Phil, whatever you're doing to make your sister be nice to you, knock it off!

 * Phil (to Keely): It was the beard, wasn't it?
 * Keely: The beard on its own, not so much. But when you add the nickname "Troll Boy" and green skin? It's every girl's dream.

Where's the Wizard?

 * Mr. Hackett: I told you students a thousand times, no amusing gizmology in school. This is mine now.

 * Pim: Lil' Danny found it and I made him give it back! The little guy must've stolen it! I'm so angry! But at the same time, so proud.

Not So Great-Great Grandpa

 * Keely: Phil, he's telling the truth. He's not going to do any more pranks. What are we going to do? (Phil starts disappearing and reappears again) Okay, you're really freaking me out.

Back To The Future (Not The Movie)

 * Keely: (on the morning announcements) Good morning. Here's today's daily headline munchie. I'm Keely Teslow. The top story: the results are in for the yearbook votes. May I have the envelope, please?
 * [Phil runs on camera with the envelope and hands it to Keely.]
 * Keely: In the category of best dressed, the winner is...Donnie Ron Con Commo. Congratulations, Donnie. Best dressed...Archer Slickman. Cutest couple...Keely Teslow and Phil Diffy -- WHAT THE?
 * [Phil and Keely both have confused and shocked looks on their faces.]
 *

 * Phil: Unless -- do -- do you wanna be a couple?
 * Keely: (quickly) No.
 * Phil: (confirming) No.
 * Keely: Do you?
 * Phil: ...Nooooo.
 * Keely: (shyly) Yes.
 * Phil: Yes?
 * Keely: I do.
 * Phil: Me too!
 * Keely: Yay! We're a couple!
 * Phil: Shhh!
 * Keely: Phil, the whole school just voted us cutest couple. I think they know.
 *

 * [Phil comes into the family's kitchen, dancing and looking happy]
 * Phil: Ah! Isn't everything more colorful today?
 * Barbara: Phil, we've got some great news!
 * Phil: So do I -- Keely and I are together.
 * Barbara: Oh, honey, that's so wonderful -- (hugs Phil, pauses) -- in a horribly sad and heart-wrenching way.
 * Phil: What do you mean?
 * Pim: (mock excitedly) We're going home, Ace! Still up for that hug?!
 *

 * Keely: Phil, do you know how many times the "time machine" has been "fixed" by your "dad"?
 * Phil: Why did you put air quotes around 'dad'?
 * Keely: Did I? Eh, sloppy finger work.
 * [...]
 * Phil: I mean, it's for real this time, the time machine's really fixed, for real, really. My dad tested it and we're going home.
 * Keely: Oh. When are you leaving?
 * Phil: Tomorrow morning at 8:30. My dad wants to be in the 8th dimension by noon to beat time traffic --
 * Keely: Phil, we finally get to be a couple and then, like, a day later you're leaving?
 * Phil: I'm sorry --
 * [Keely gets up and leaves.]
 * Phil: Keel? Keel...
 *

 * Pim: Boo-hoo, Phil's gonna miss his girlfriend, wah, wah, wah. (laughs, then pauses) Wow, I think I hate myself.
 *

 * [All the family comes out at night to destroy the time machine and catch each other in the act.]
 * Pim: (holding a hammer) Okay, who else used the coconut excuse?
 * [Barbara points to herself and Lloyd.]
 * Pim: Yeah. Coconuts. Me too.
 * [Pim goes back to bed.]
 *

 * Keely: (realizing) I can't not say goodbye to Phil!
 *

 * Keely: (seeing Phil) Phil! You're still here! Does that mean you're not going?
 * Phil: No, no, I'm still going.
 * Keely: Oh...
 * Phil: I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye for real.
 * Keely: Well, good --
 * [Phil kisses her. Cut to various shots of the school, where everyone is cheering loudly.]
 * Keely: (stops kissing Phil) Bye.
 * [...]
 * Keely: (whispering in his ear) In the future will you wait for me?
 * Phil: Really? 'Cause won't you be really, really old?
 * [Keely gives him a look.]
 * Phil: But that shouldn't matter. See ya, Pepper.
 * Keely: See ya, Salt.
 * [A pause.]
 * Phil: ...Well, I gotta go. My dad's waiting in the time machine...(realizing he's still on TV)...ride at the amusement park!
 * [Phil leaves. Keely sits back down in her anchor seat. There's a brief pause.]
 * Keely: In -- uh -- in other news -- oh, we all know nothing's gonna top that.
 * [She throws her papers up in the air and walks off screen, marking the last time we see her in the series.]

 * [The last line of the series. Curtis comes out into the deserted Diffy kitchen, apparently abandoned.]
 * Curtis: Hello? Anybody home?!

title: Phil of the Future


text:
User:ZenMondo~enwikiquote

ZenMondo's Wikipedia Entry

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: User:ZenMondo~enwikiquote


text:
User talk:66.108.209.144

~ MosheZadka (Talk) 18:49, 28 October 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:66.108.209.144


text:
Patrick Fitzgerald

Patrick Fitzgerald (born December 22, 1960) is an American attorney and the current U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois. On December 30, 2003, Fitzgerald was appointed to be Department of Justice Special Prosecutor and continued the investigation into the Valerie Plame leak.

Sourced

 * A CIA officer's name was blown and there was a leak and we needed to figure out how that happened, who did it, why, whether a crime was committed, whether we could prove it, whether we should prove it. Given national security was at stake, it was especially important that we find out accurate facts.
 * CIA probe 'not over' after Cheney's top aide indicted on CNN.com (October 28, 2005)

 * When citizens testify before grand juries they are required to tell the truth. Without the truth, our criminal justice system cannot serve our nation or its citizens.
 * CIA probe 'not over' after Cheney's top aide indicted on CNN.com (October 28, 2005)

 * Mr. Libby's story that he was at the tail end of a chain of phone calls, passing on from one reporter what he heard from another, was not true. It was false. He was at the beginning of the chain of the phone calls, the first official to disclose this information outside the government to a reporter. And he lied about it afterward, under oath and repeatedly.
 * Cheney Adviser Resigns After Indictment on ABCnews.com (October 28, 2005)

 * Libby was advised by the vice president of the United States that Wilson's wife worked at the CIA in the counterproliferation division. Libby understood that the vice president had learned this information from the CIA.
 * Cheney Adviser Resigns After Indictment on ABCnews.com (October 28, 2005)

 * We brought those cases because we realized that the truth is the engine of our judicial system. We didn't get the straight story, and we had to - had to - act.
 * Cheney Aide Charged With Lying in Leak Case New York Times (October 29, 2005)

 * I can't give you answers on what we know and don't know, other than what's charged in the indictment. It's not because I enjoy being in that position. It's because the law is that way. I actually think the law should be that way. We can't talk about information not contained in the four corners of the indictment.
 * Fitzgerald News Conference from nytimes.com (October 28, 2005)

 * My job is to investigate whether or not a crime is committed, can be proved and should be charged. I'm not going to comment on what to make beyond that. You know, it's not my jurisdiction, not my job, not my judgment.
 * Fitzgerald News Conference from nytimes.com (October 28, 2005)

 * Let me then ask your next question: Well, why is this a leak investigation that doesn't result in a charge? I've been trying to think about how to explain this, so let me try. I know baseball analogies are the fad these days. Let me try something. If you saw a baseball game and you saw a pitcher wind up and throw a fastball and hit a batter right smack in the head, and it really, really hurt them, you'd want to know why the pitcher did that. And you'd wonder whether or not the person just reared back and decided, "I've got bad blood with this batter. He hit two home runs off me. I'm just going to hit him in the head as hard as I can." You also might wonder whether or not the pitcher just let go of the ball or his foot slipped, and he had no idea to throw the ball anywhere near the batter's head. And there's lots of shades of gray in between. You might learn that you wanted to hit the batter in the back and it hit him in the head because he moved. You might want to throw it under his chin, but it ended up hitting him on the head. And what you'd want to do is have as much information as you could. You'd want to know: What happened in the dugout? Was this guy complaining about the person he threw at? Did he talk to anyone else? What was he thinking? How does he react? All those things you'd want to know. And then you'd make a decision as to whether this person should be banned from baseball, whether they should be suspended, whether you should do nothing at all and just say, "Hey, the person threw a bad pitch. Get over it." In this case, it's a lot more serious than baseball. And the damage wasn't to one person. It wasn't just Valerie Wilson. It was done to all of us. And as you sit back, you want to learn: Why was this information going out? Why were people taking this information about Valerie Wilson and giving it to reporters? Why did Mr. Libby say what he did? Why did he tell Judith Miller three times? Why did he tell the press secretary on Monday? Why did he tell Mr. Cooper? And was this something where he intended to cause whatever damage was caused? Or did they intend to do something else and where are the shades of gray? And what we have when someone charges obstruction of justice, the umpire gets sand thrown in his eyes. He's trying to figure what happened and somebody blocked their view.
 * Fitzgerald News Conference from the Washington Post (October 28, 2005)

title: Patrick Fitzgerald


text:
Scary Go Round

Scary Go Round is a webcomic written and illustrated by John Allison. The comic set in the fictional town of Tackleford, England, and follows the adventures of several major characters as they battle zombies, travel through time, and offend strange creatures.

Quotes

 * Tim: Management is all about appearing to be awake while actually asleep
 * Mayor's hallucination: It is almost impossible for me to tell you just how cool everything is going to be right now.
 * Investigator (after finding a wallet at a crime scene): Its leather exterior suggests a man of substance. The copious identification within implies a man who knows exactly who he is — and why.
 * Esther: It's dynamite when you aren't the one being stalked by the Death-Beast! Whose name suggests that it is a beast who makes you die.
 * Erin: I mind my own business! And any other business that needs minding.
 * Shelley: I've got a milkshake with an umbrella in it! It cannot be diluted by rain! Not any more!
 * Hugo: Powers be inside, friend, like your kidneys. You cannot lose them. Well. Except maybe in a grisly accident where part of your head and brain be lost. Ha ha!
 * Shelly: Oh moon, oh troublesome orb. Staring at the earth with envious eye. Wishin' it was wet, for it's parlously dry.
 * Ryan: Dang. So drunk contracts don't count? If I'd known that, I could have saved the Merchant Navy a lot of trouble. And by "trouble," I mean "seafaring vessels".

Dialogue

 * Ryan: Faster means make the number on the speedometer go up to a higher number.
 * Hugo: Ryan, you overestimate the awesome powers of Ronny B's van. Yes, it is tricked out to the max. But this was achieved by attaching plastic spoilers and hella trim, not upgrading the "engine" so to speak.

 * Tim: There's something about you, Fallon, encourages a man to behave like logic's most hated enemy.
 * Fallon: It is my good manners and the insane wiggle when I walk.

 * Esther: Shouldn't we go after her?
 * The Boy: Yes, sure, because nothing fixes bad news like having it explained in more detail.

 * Erin: What were we thinking? We let a minotaur loose! It'll eat someone! AIIIIIIIEEE!
 * Esther: Erin, you need to calm down. We'll call pest control in the morning. Pretend we caught it stealing hay bales.
 * Erin: What if it gets out in the night? What if it eats war vetrans or little babies?
 * Esther: Listen, he's 7ft tall, nude and terrifying. We can claim coercion, temporary insanity, or just misguided girlish high spirits.

title: Scary Go Round


text:
User:GraemeMcRae

Hi, my name is Graeme McRae. I have always been a stickler for proper word usage and grammar, and this makes me annoyed at articles with clumsy wording or dumb mistakes of any kind. With Wikipedia, I can channel that frustration into positive action to polish the "surface" of the articles at the same time I learn from the underlying content. (My contributions) (My Edit Count Stats)

I have a personal webpage that I use kind of as a blog, for ranting about (or appreciating) various things, and a math page that I use for describing some very cool things about math, in a way that might help people understand them.

If you would like to leave me a message, edit my User Talk page, and put your comment at the bottom. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

 Or, visit my User page on any one of these Wikimedia Sister Projects:

title: User:GraemeMcRae


text:
User talk:GraemeMcRae

Allow Myself to Introduce, my, umm
Hi, my name is Graeme McRae, and this is my User talk page. If you want to get my attention, [ please click here] to leave me a new message. Then watch the page; I'll reply right here. Thanks! —GraemeMcRaetalk 20:39, 28 October 2005 (UTC)

title: User talk:GraemeMcRae


text:
User talk:GraemeMcRae/TOCright

TOCright: template for putting the table of contents on the right margin

Created by: User:GraemeMcRae

title: User talk:GraemeMcRae/TOCright


text: User:GraemeMcRae/TOCright

title: User:GraemeMcRae/TOCright


text:
John D. MacDonald

John Dann MacDonald (July 24, 1916 – December 28, 1986) was an American writer of novels and short stories, most famous for his series of detective novels featuring protagonist.

(1964)

 * I am wary of a lot of things, such as plastic credit cards, payroll deductions, insurance programs, retirement benefits, savings accounts, Green Stamps, time clocks, newspapers, mortgages, sermons, miracle fabrics, deodorants, check lists, time payments, political parties, lending libraries, television, actresses, junior chambers of commerce, pageants, progress, and manifest destiny. I am wary of the whole dreary deadening structured mess we have built into such a glittering top-heavy structure that there is nothing left to see but the glitter, and the brute routines of maintaining it.

 * These are the playmate years, and they are demonstrably fraudulent. The scene is reputed to be acrawl with adorably amoral bunnies to whom sex is a pleasant social favor. The new culture. And they are indeed present and available, in exhausting quantity, but there is a curious tastelessness about them. A woman who does not guard and treasure herself cannot be of much value to anyone else. They become a pretty little convenience, like a guest towel. And the cute little things they say, and their dainty little squeals of pleasure and release are as contrived as the embroidered initials on the guest towels. Only a woman of pride, complexity and emotional tension is genuinely worthy of the act of love, and there are only two ways to get yourself one of them. Either you lie, and stain the relationship with your own sense of guile, or you accept the involvement, the emotional responsibility, the permanence she must by nature crave. I love you can be said only two ways.

 * They have been taught that if you are sunny, cheery, sincere, group-adjusted, popular, the world is yours, including barbecue pits, charge plates, diaper service, percale sheets, friends for dinner, washer-dryer combinations, color slides of the kiddies on the home projector, and eternal whimsical romance — with crinkly smiles and Rock Hudson dialogue. So they all come smiling and confident and unskilled into a technician’s world, and in a few years they learn that it is all going to be grinding and brutal and hateful and precarious. These are the slums of the heart.

(1964)

 * ...it is like what we have done to chickens. Forced growth under optimum conditions, so that in eight weeks they are ready for the mechanical picker. The most forlorn and comical statements are the ones made by the grateful young who say Now I can be ready in two years and nine months to go out in and earn a living rather than wasting 4 years in college. Education is something that should be apart from the necessities of earning a living, not a tool therefore. It needs contemplation, fallow periods, the measured and guided study of the history of man’s reiteration of the most agonizing question of all: Why? Today the good ones, the ones who want to ask why, find no one around with any interest in answering the question, so they drop out, because theirs is the type of mind which becomes monstrously bored at the trade-school concept. A devoted technician is seldom an educated man. He can be a useful man, a contented man, a busy man. But he has no more sense of the mystery and wonder and paradox of existence than does one of those chickens fattening itself for the mechanical plucking, freezing and packaging.

 * It would be one kind of penance. And there are never enough kinds. Not for him. Not for me. And certainly not for you, my friend.
 * Final words

(1964)

 * Three cents’ worth of squeeze bottles, plus two cents’ worth of homogenized goo, plus prime-time television equals 28 million annual sales at 69 cents each. This is the heartbeat of industrial America.

 * Nina was always loved. Maybe that’s a bad thing. It gives people that terrible confidence that the world is going to give them the chance to fulfill themselves.

 * Aside from an unwholesome taste for string quartets, and a certain gullibility about predigested sociology, she passed the McGee test with about a B+. Hell, an A-. Maybe somebody had given her the Vance Packard books.

 * When a woman forgets gossip, McGee, she is nearing the end of her road.

 * It isn't foolish or wicked to enjoy. Wickedness is hurting people on purpose. I love what you are and who you are and how you are. You give me great joy. And you make horrible coffee.

 * By feeling insecure about our making love, Nina, you make the inference that we are a pair of cheap people involved in some cheap pleasant friction. Pull on the pants and walk away, adding up the score. I think we're interested in each other, involved with each other, curious about each other. This was a part of exploring and learning. When it's good you learn something about yourself too. If the spirit is involved, if there is tenderness and respect and awareness of need, that's all the morality I care about.

(1965)

 * The only thing in the world worth a damn is the strange, touching, pathetic, awesome nobility of the individual human spirit.

 * I know just enough about myself to know I cannot settle for one of those simplifications which indignant people seize upon to make understandable a world too complex for their comprehension. Astrology, health food, flag waving, bible thumping, Zen, nudism, nihilism — all of these are grotesque simplifications which small dreary people adopt in the hope of thereby finding The Answer, because the very concept that maybe there is no answer, never has been, never will be, terrifies them.

 * I think there is some kind of divine order in the universe. Every leaf on every tree in the world is unique. As far as we can see, there are other galaxies, all slowly spinning, numerous as the leaves in the forest. In an infinite number of planets, there has to be an infinite number with life forms on them. Maybe this planet is one of the discarded mistakes. Maybe it's one of the victories. We'll never know.

(1965)

 * It's no good telling somebody they're trying too hard. It's very much like ordering a child to go stand in a corner for a half hour and never once think about elephants.

 * I am not suited to the role of going around selling the life-can-be-beautiful idea. It can be, indeed. But you don't buy the concept from your friendly door-to-door lecture salesman.

(1966)

 * Statistically it is probably the one city in the world where the most people have been killed in arguments over professional athletes.

 * In many ways life is less random than we think. In your past and mine, there have been times when we have, on some lonely trail, constructed a device aimed into our future. Perhaps nothing ever comes along to trigger it. We live through the safe years. But, for some people, something moves on the half-forgotten path, and something arches out of the past and explodes in the here and now. These are emotional intersections, when lives cross, diverge, then meet again.

 * She bets the doubles and the parlays, a guaranteed way to stay busted.

 * It was an example of the terrible innocence of men who are superb in their own fields. Einstein had some grotesque political opinions. Jack Parr knew how we should get rid of the Berlin Wall. Kurt Vonnegut keeps losing airplane tickets.

 * Every day, no matter how you fight it, you learn a little more about yourself, and all most of it does is teach humility.

(1969)

 * Any man who outgrows the myths of childhood is ninety-nine percent aware and convinced of his own mortality. But then comes the chilly breath on the nape of the neck, a stirring of the air by the wings of the bleak angel. When a man becomes one hundred percent certain of his inevitable death, he gets The Look.

 * And that, of course, is the tragic flaw in the narcotics laws — that possession of marijuana is a felony. Regardless of whether it is as harmless as some believe, or as evil and vicious as others believe, savage and uncompromising law is bad law, and the good and humane judge will jump at any technicality that will keep him from imposing a penalty so barbaric and so cruel. The self-righteous pillars of church and society demand that "the drug traffic be stamped out" and think that making possession a felony will do the trick. Their ignorance of the roots of the drug traffic is as extensive as their ignorance of the law.

(1970)

 * The only thing that prisons demonstrably cure is heterosexuality.

(1972)

 * Up with life. Stamp out all small and large indignities. Leave everyone alone to make it without pressure. Down with hurting. Lower the standard of living. Do without plastics. Smash the servo-mechanisms. Stop grabbing. Snuff the breeze and hug the kids. Love all love. Hate all hate.'

The adult you pretend to be convinces himself that the risk is worth the game, the game worth the risk. Tells himself the choice of life style could get him killed — on the Daytona track, in the bull ring, falling from the raw steel framework forty stories up, catching a rodeo hoof in the side of the head. Adult pretenses are never a perfect fit for the child underneath, and when there is the presentiment of death, like a hard black light making panther eyes glow in the back of the cave, the cry is, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, it's so dark out there, so dark and so forever."
 * We're all children. We invent the adult facade and don it and try to keep the buttons and the medals polished. We're all trying to give such a good imitation of being an adult that the real adults in the world won't catch on. Each of us takes up the shticks that compose the adult image we seek. I'd gone the route of lazy, ironic bravado, of amiable, unaffiliated insouciance. Tinhorn knights of a stumbling from Rent-A-Steed, maybe with one little area of the heart so pinched, so parched, I never dared let anything really lasting happen to me. Or dared admit the the flaw...

 * News has always been bad. The tiger that lives in the forest just ate your wife and kids, Joe. There are no fat grub worms under the rotten logs this year, Al. Those sickies in the village on the other side of the mountain are training hairy mammoths to stomp us flat, Pete. They nailed up two thieves and a crackpot, Mary.
 * Travis watches the news with Meyer, Chapter 22.

(1973)

 * Way over half the murders committed in this country are by close friends or relatives of the deceased. A gun makes a loud and satisfying noise in a moment of passion and requires no agility and very little strength. How many murders wouldn't happen, if they all had to use hammers and knives?

(1973)
From now on, Lawton Hisp was not going to have a very nice life. They might never come after him, but it just wasn't going to be very joyous from now on. Happy New Year, Mister Hisp.
 * Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will. Integrity is not a search for the rewards of integrity. Maybe all you ever get for it is the largest kick in the ass the world can provide. It is not supposed to be a productive asset. Crime pays a lot better. I can bend my own rules way, way over, but there is a place where I finally stop bending them. I can recognize the feeling. I've been there a lot of times.

(1979)

 * When you see the ugliness behind the tears of another person, it makes you take a closer look at your own.

(1985)

 * What we tried to do, out of mutual loneliness, was make more out of the relationship than it could support. Then it becomes pretend, and you are both saying things cribbed from half-forgotten books and plays. So the structure slowly topples over, like vanilla ice cream piled too high. And the end of it there was an obscure impulse to shake hands.

Slam The Big Door (1960)

 * He had detected a certain sensitivity, a capacity for imagination, in the the girl in New York. But the years and the roads, the bars and the cars and the beds and the bottles — they all have flinty edges, and they are the cruel upholstery in the dark tunnel down which the soul rolls and tumbles until no more abrasion is possible, until the ultimate hardness is achieved. So here she sat, having achieved the bland defensive heartiness of a ten-dollar whore.

(1967)

 * Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.

A Flash of Green

 * Now it stands to reason, mister, any damn fool stares into the sun long enough, he'll end up seeing exactly what some other damn fool tells him he's going to see.

title: John D. MacDonald


text:
Anders Chydenius

Anders Chydenius (26 February 1729 – 1 February 1803) was a Swedish-Finnish priest and member of the Riksdag of the Estates (Sweden's parliament). He was one of the founding fathers of liberalism, making the case for the free market in his pamphlet The National Gain (1765) and was the originator of the first Swedish law guaranteeing freedom of the press (1766). He also introduced the principle of freedom of information to Swedish government.

Quotes

 * Our wants are various, and nobody has been found able to acquire even the necessaries without the aid of other people, and there is scarcely any Nation that has not stood in need of others. The Almighty himself has made our race such that we should help one another. Should this mutual aid be checked within or without the Nation, it is contrary to Nature.
 * The National Gain, §2, 1765.

 * ...that every individual spontaneously tries to find the place and the trade in which he can best increase National gain, if laws do not prevent him from doing so.
 * The National Gain, §5, 1765. Here Chydenius could be said to describe the invisible hand eleven years before Adam Smith wrote The Wealth of Nations.

 * The more opportunities there are in a Society for some persons to live upon the toil of others, and the less those others may enjoy the fruits of their work themselves, the more is diligence killed, the former become insolent, the latter despairing, and both negligent.
 * The National Gain, §20, 1765.

 * ...Fatherland without freedom and merit is a large word with little meaning.
 * For What Reason do so Many Swedes Emigrate Every Year?, 1765.

 * The exercise of one coercion always makes another inevitable.
 * Thoughts on the Natural Rights of Servants and Peasants, 1778.

title: Anders Chydenius