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Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Appendix Baha'i Writings

Baha’i Guidance on Selecting a Spouse for a Successful Marriage

Compiled by Rodney H. Clarken

Introduction
Guidance on how to choose a religion or a spouse, two of the most important decisions a person will make in life, is limited, unreliable and misleading. Many chose a spouse and religion based on cultural values rather than on an independent and informed choice that accounts for the important standards and requirements for selecting each. Our ideas of what these criteria and values should be are often based on tradition and imitation. If you choose the wrong religion, you can usually change and make adjustments with little suffering or difficulty to yourselves or others. If you choose the wrong spouse, the repercussions can last with you and those involved for a lifetime. If you have children, the lifelong repercussions will be shared by your children and will influence their children as well.

Presently in the West, the chances of a first marriage ending in divorce are about 50%. If getting married was as hard as getting a divorce, then maybe more marriages would last and be successful. It is not that getting a divorce should be easier, but that getting married should be harder. Many people are discouraged about getting married as the institution of marriage seems to bring more problems than benefits. How is one to know whether the person they hope to marry will be someone with whom they can fruitfully and happily share their lives?

The current standards for selecting a spouse in the West center on mainly material considerations: physical/sexual attractiveness and social and economic status. It is an interesting commentary that the top nine entries that came up on an Internet search were the following: 1. Stop your divorce or lover's rejection, 2. Make progress on gay rights, 3. Last minute wedding gift, 4. Couples learn to deepen intimacy and love at a weekend seminar, 5. quality wedding invitations, 6. Find mates online, 7. love at our fun and easy-to-use personals site, 8. looking for marriage with that special person, and 9. Join Gold membership (99.95 USD) and get over 3000 direct phone numbers and e-mails of marriage-minded Russian women all screened and updated. A search for marriage books on Amazon.com brings up “The Bedside Kama Sutra: 23 Positions for Pleasure and Passion” and “Position of the Day: Sex Every Day in Every Way” as two of the most popular results. Of the first ten books listed in the 83688 items found for marriage, half were on sex, with number 9 and 10 being: “The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure” and “The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure”.

It is more interesting (distressing, I would say) to see how the media treats the subject of marriage and finding a spouse. Most focus on the physical and sexual qualities of the person and seem to encourage an unrealistic and harmful attitude and thinking about selecting a spouse. Our images and fantasies about marriage and romance have set up much disappointment, hurt and injustice. The marriage industry has mushroomed with the result that more people spend more time and more resources on their wedding than they do on their marriage.

To counter balance the pervasive influences that affect our thoughts and values today and to offer what I believe sound and sane advice about selecting a spouse for a successful marriage, below is offered some guidance from the Baha’i writings on this subject. Guidance is also available from scientific studies that empirically determine the factors that seem to contribute to or correlate with longer and happier marriages. See the reference list for some of these books.

Marriage enjoined
Regarding the question of matrimony: Know thou that the command of marriage is eternal. It will never be changed nor altered. This is divine creation and there is not the slightest possibility that change or alteration affect this divine creation (marriage). (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 474)

O peerless Lord! In Thine almighty wisdom Thou hast enjoined marriage upon the peoples, 105  that the generations of men may succeed one another in this contingent world, and that ever, so long as the world shall last, they may busy themselves at the Threshold of Thy oneness with servitude and worship, with salutation, adoration and praise. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha'i Prayers, p. 104)

The Bahá'í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially- conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race -- which is the very flower of the entire creation -- and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God. 480

That there should be, however, certain individuals who by reason of some serious deficiency, physical or mental, would be incapacitated to contract marriage and enjoy the blessings of an enduring and successful marital life is only too evident, but these constitute only a very small section of humanity, and are therefore merely an exception, and their condition cannot possibly invalidate what an all-wise and loving Providence has decreed to be the normal way to a fruitful and constructive social existence.

The exact conditions and circumstances under which such incapacitated individuals should be advised or even prevented perhaps from entering into any sort of marital existence have not been specified in the Bahá'í Writings, but will have to be defined later on by the Universal House of Justice. In the mean time, those believers who consider themselves as falling into the above category would do well, before taking any final decision themselves, to consult medical experts, who are both conscientious and competent, and to abide by their recommendation. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 15 April 1939) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 479)

He has noted the question you had asked concerning the problem of marriage, and its infrequency among the believers in general. It is indeed a matter of deep regret to him that some of our young believers do not attach due importance to the question of marriage, and seem, as you state, to be under the impression that marital life has been discouraged in the Cause. This is certainly an erroneous conception, and whosoever takes the pain to carefully and intelligently read the words of Bahá'u'lláh, and to ponder over their implications, cannot but be convinced of the truth that in the Bahá'í Faith marriage, and family life, in particular, are both not only commendable, but constitute a social function of highest and indeed vital importance, as through them alone the human race is perpetuated.

The believers should well know that whereas Bahá'u'lláh has not made marriage a binding obligation, He has nevertheless attributed to it such spiritual and social significance as no individual believer, under normal circumstances, can well be justified in disregarding it. In fact, in 448  His Book of Laws (the "Kitáb-i-Aqdas") He emphatically stresses its importance, and defines its essential purpose, namely the procreation of children and their training in the Religion of God, that they may know and adore Him, and mention and praise His Name. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 17 February 1940, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 447)

While marriage is enjoined in the Kitáb-i-Aqdas, Bahá'u'lláh clarifies that it is not obligatory (Q and A 46). Shoghi Effendi, in a letter written on his behalf, also declared that "marriage is by no means an obligation", and he affirmed that "in the last resort, it is for the individual to decide whether he wishes to lead a family life or live in a state of celibacy". If a person has to wait a considerable period of time before finding a spouse, or ultimately must remain single, it does not mean that the individual is thereby unable to fulfil his or her life's purpose, which is fundamentally spiritual. (The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207)

And when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book. He saith, great is His glory: "Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves." (Bahá’u’lláh, Baha'i Prayers, p. 103)

Finding your “soul mate”
There is no teaching in the Bahá'í Faith that "soul mates" exist. What is meant is that marriage should lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world, where there is no sex, and no giving and taking in marriage; just the way we should establish with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and friends a deep spiritual bond which will be everlasting, and not merely physical bonds of human relationship. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 4 December 1954, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 452)

For everything there is a sign
For every thing, however, God has created a sign and symbol, and established standards and tests by which it may be known. (Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 33)

Bahá'u'lláh says there is a sign (from God) in every phenomenon: the sign of the intellect is contemplation and the sign of contemplation is silence, because it is impossible for a man to do two things at one time -- he cannot both speak and meditate. (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 201)

Signs, symbols, standards and tests of marriage

''What are the signs, symbols, standards and tests for selecting a spouse for a happy and successful marriage? Some of them may come in unexpected ways and may not be significant by themselves, but, when put together, indicate which course of action you should follow. Some signs are very subtle and depend on culturally derived symbols. Words, gestures and actions indicate qualities that may not be evident. Sometime we are so hoping to achieve our destination, that we fail to carefully discern the signs and are led instead by our desires and passions.''

''The Baha'i writings give several signs, symbols, standards and tests for selecting a spouse for a happy and successful marriage. These can be explored and applied to determine if and how the signs, symbols, standards and tests of marriage are present. Below each sign will be presented and briefly discussed. No one will meet completely or perfectly any one sign, let alone all of them, but a satisfactory minimal accomplishment in each will be necessary for a successful marriage. Some of the signs may seem common sense or unnecessary, but selecting a spouse and conditions for marriage vary greatly from culture to culture.''

1. Achieve the age of maturity
====A. Age====

It is unlawful to become engaged to a girl before she reaches the age of maturity. (Baha'u'llah, Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 40)

92. QUESTION: In a treatise in Persian on various questions, the age of maturity hath been set at fifteen; is marriage likewise conditional upon the reaching of maturity, or is it permissible before that time? ANSWER: Since the consent of both parties is required in the Book of God, and since, before maturity, their consent or lack of it cannot be ascertained, marriage is therefore conditional upon reaching the age of maturity, and is not permissible before that time. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 133)

''From the above quote, it is clear the consent of both parties is required, and that before maturity consent of lack thereof cannot be ascertained. Is maturity necessarily reached at age fifteen? The following quotes address this question.''

Regarding the age of fifteen fixed by Bahá'u'lláh: this relates only to purely spiritual functions and obligations and is not related to the degree of administrative capacity and fitness which is a totally different thing, and is, for the present, fixed at twenty-one. (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Bahai Administration, p. 12)

IV.D.(1)(j) The age of maturity applies only to Bahá'í religious duties as yet. On other matters it is subject to the civil law of each country. The age of administrative maturity in the Bahá'í community has, for the time being, been fixed at 21. (Compilations, NSA USA - Developing Distinctive Baha'i Communities)

Bahá'u'lláh encourages us to anticipate from the youth of His community a much earlier advance to maturity than is characteristic of the rest of society. (The Universal House of Justice, 2001 May 24, To Believers Gathered for Terrace Events, p. 2)

Children of all countries, nationalities and classes, who are fifteen years old are under this obligation [fasting]. It matters not whether they mature later in one country than in another. The command of Bahá'u'lláh is universal, irrespective of any variance in the age of maturity in different countries and among different peoples. (Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 233)

…the growth and development of all beings is gradual; this is the universal divine organization, and the natural system. (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 312)

[There is] many a young child who is mature and grown up, and many an aged [one] who is ignorant and stupid. Growth and maturity are in intellect and understanding and not in age and duration of life. (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v1, p. 180)

Consider, for instance, a mother who has tenderly reared a son for twenty years to the age of maturity. ('Abdu'l-Bahá: "The Promulgation of Universal Peace," 1982 U.S. edition, p. 375) (Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 619)

Having reached the age of fifteen, Bahá'í youth are personally responsible for certain spiritual activities such as observing the obligation of daily prayer, keeping the Fast, and they are invited to participate in Bahá'í youth activities. The significance of the age of maturity, however, goes far beyond the fulfilment of responsibilities. (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 665)

Such matters as the age of marriage or the manner of meeting economic commitments are left to the individual to decide for himself. The friends, however, should not hesitate to seek the advice of their local Spiritual Assemblies in all such matters if they feel the need. (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to two believers, May 22, 1966)

====B. Maturity====

The following extract from a Tablet of 'Abdu'l-Bahá links the attainment of maturity with the deepening of one's understanding and comprehension of the realities of life, and the enhancement of one's very capacity for understanding:

Know thou that before maturity man liveth from day to day and comprehendeth only such matters as are superficial and outwardly obvious. However, when he cometh of age he understandeth the realities of things and the inner truths. Indeed, in his comprehension, his feelings, his deductions and his discoveries, every day of his life after maturity is equal to a year before it. (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 665)

''What are some of the other signs and conditions of maturity mentioned in the writings that may be relevant? The B writings refers to several signs of maturity. The signs of maturity are related to physical, mental and spiritual development. Just as the human species has evolved until it has reached this stage of development and perfection, so to individuals go through analogous stages of development until they reach maturity.''

For everything there is and will continue to be a station of perfection and maturity. The maturity of the gift of understanding is made manifest through consultation. Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3

That mystic, all-pervasive, yet indefinable change, which we associate with the stage of maturity inevitable in the life of the individual and the development of the fruit must, if we would correctly apprehend the utterances of Bahá'u'lláh, have its counterpart in the evolution of the organization of human society. (Shoghi Effendi, The World Order of Baha'u'llah, p. 163-164 )

Humanity is now experiencing the commotions invariably associated with the most turbulent stage of its evolution, the stage of adolescence, when the impetuosity of youth and its vehemence reach their climax, and must gradually be superseded by the calmness, the wisdom, and the maturity that characterize the stage of manhood. (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 184)

Just as the individual human organism, having attained the period of maturity, reaches its fullest degree of physical strength and ripened intellectual faculties so that in one year of this ripened period there is witnessed an unprecedented measure of development, likewise the world of humanity in this cycle of its completeness and consummation will realize an immeasurable upward progress, and that power of accomplishment whereof each individual human reality is the depository of God -- that outworking Universal Spirit -- like the intellectual faculty, will reveal itself in infinite degrees of perfection. (Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 37)

The suckling babe passeth through various physical stages, growing and developing at every stage, until its body reacheth the age of maturity. Having arrived at this stage it acquireth the capacity to manifest spiritual and intellectual perfections. The lights of comprehension, intelligence and knowledge become perceptible in it and the powers of its soul unfold. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 285)

The world of humanity cannot advance through mere physical powers and intellectual attainments; nay, rather, the Holy Spirit is essential. The divine Father must assist the human world to attain maturity. The body of man is in need of physical and mental energy but his spirit requires the life and fortification of the Holy Spirit. Without its protection and quickening the human world would be extinguished. His Holiness Jesus Christ declared, "Let the dead bury their dead." He also said, "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit is spirit." It is evident therefore according to His Holiness that the human spirit which is not fortified by the presence of the Holy Spirit is dead and in need of resurrection by that divine power; otherwise though materially advanced to high degrees man cannot attain full and complete progress. (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 241-242)

Know thou, verily, man before reaching (spiritual) maturity passes his days and only apprehends trivial things which are clear on account of their exoteric indications, but when he attains full development, then he grasps the reality of things and their esoteric facts. Every day after maturity is equivalent to one year before it, on account of man's perception, understanding, apprehension and discoveries. (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v1, p. 165)

Children, for instance, no matter how good and pure, no matter how healthy their bodies, are, nevertheless, considered imperfect because the power of intellect is not fully manifest in them. When the intellectual power fully displays its influences and they attain to the age of maturity, they are considered as perfect. Likewise, man, no matter how much he may advance in worldly affairs and make progress in material civilization, is imperfect unless he is quickened by the bounties of the Holy Spirit; for it is evident that until he receives that divine impetus he is ignorant and deprived. For this reason Jesus Christ said, "Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God." By this Christ meant that unless man is released from the material world, freed from the captivity of materialism and receiving a portion of the bounties of the spiritual world, he shall be deprived of the bestowals and favors of the Kingdom of God, and the utmost we can say of him is that he is a perfect animal. (Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 303-304)

The principles, administration and fundamentals of the Faith are well known, but the friends need greatly to study the more profound works, which would give them spiritual maturity to a greater degree, unify their Community life, and enable them to better exemplify the Bahá'í way of living; in other words to "lead the life". (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 227)

…realizing that with maturity will come the capacity to handle situations better and with more sound judgement. (23 October 1949, written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) (Unlocking the Power of Action, [31])

All created things have their degree, or stage, of maturity. The period of maturity in the life of a tree is the time of its fruit bearing. The maturity of a plant is the time of its blossoming and flower. The animal attains a stage of full growth and completeness, and in the human kingdom man reaches his maturity when the lights of intelligence have their greatest power and development. From the beginning to the end of his life man passes through certain periods, or stages, each of which is marked by certain conditions peculiar to itself. For instance, during the period of childhood his conditions and requirements are characteristic of that degree of intelligence and capacity. After a time he enters the period of youth, in which his former conditions and needs are superseded by new requirements applicable to the advance in his degree. His faculties of observation are broadened and deepened; his intelligent capacities are trained and awakened; the limitations and environment of childhood no longer restrict his energies and accomplishments. At last he passes out of the period of youth and enters the stage, or station, of maturity, which necessitates another transformation and corresponding advance in his sphere of life activity. New powers and perceptions clothe him, teaching and training commensurate with his progression occupy his mind, special bounties and bestowals descend in proportion to his increased capacities, and his former period of youth and its conditions will no longer satisfy his matured view and vision. (Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 438)

That is to say, the embryo passes through different states and traverses numerous degrees, until it reaches the form in which it manifests the words: "Praise be to God, the best of Creators," and until the signs of reason and maturity appear. (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 300)

Present world chaos, exhibiting the impetuosity, follies, rebelliousness characteristic of humanity's adolescent stage of development, and harbinger of the long-promised Golden Age of the maturity of the human race, is relentlessly spreading and distressingly intensified. (Shoghi Effendi, Messages to America, p. 43)

For, it is by contributing to the common good that an individual acquires true spiritual maturity. (Baha'i International Community, 1998 Feb 18, Valuing Spirituality in Development)

2. Knowing your own self
''This is the foundation of any fruitful relationship. Without self-knowledge, you will not be able to accurately determine if the signs are present in yourself or your relationship.''

The first Taraz and the first effulgence which hath dawned from the horizon of the Mother Book is that man should know his own self and recognize that which leadeth unto loftiness or lowliness, glory or abasement, wealth or poverty. Having attained the stage of fulfilment and reached his maturity, man standeth in need of wealth, and such wealth as he acquireth through crafts or professions is commendable and praiseworthy in the estimation of men of wisdom, and especially in the eyes of servants who dedicate themselves to the education of the world and to the edification of its peoples. (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 34-35)

You are urged to persevere in your studies, in your prayers for resolution of your problems, and in your meditation which may provide guidance and confidence, inasmuch as the understanding of self and of relationships to others are contained in the Writings and in the example of the Master, 'Abdu'l-Bahá.

Neither you nor your husband should hesitate to continue consulting professional marriage counsellors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counselling which can come from wise and mature friends. Non-Bahá'í counselling can be useful but it is usually necessary to temper it with Bahá'í insight.

You ask how to deal with anger. The House of Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and to endeavour to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful. Such passages as the following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will be helpful:

There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation .... You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Bahá'u'lláh to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else. Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being "perfect as our heavenly father is perfect" and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy .... (Universal House of Justice, 17 July 1979, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 454)

3. Gain a victory over your own self
Arise, O people, and, by the power of God's might, resolve to gain the victory over your own selves, that haply the whole earth may be freed and sanctified from its servitude to the gods of its idle fancies - gods that have inflicted such loss upon, and are responsible for the misery of, their wretched worshippers. These idols form the obstacle that impedeth man in his efforts to advance in the path of perfection. ("Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh", sec. 43, p. 93)

Whatsoever passeth beyond the limits of moderation will cease to exert a beneficial influence. Consider for instance such things as liberty, civilization and the like. However much men of understanding may favourably regard them, they will, if carried to excess, exercise a pernicious influence upon men. ("Tablets of Bahá'u'lláh Revealed after the Kitáb-i-Aqdas" [rev. ed.], (Haifa: Bahá'í World Centre, 1982), p. 169) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 50)

All men have been created to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization. The Almighty beareth Me witness: To act like the beasts of the field is unworthy of man. Those virtues that befit his dignity are forbearance, mercy, compassion and loving-kindness towards all the peoples and kindreds of the earth. (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 215)

This matter of the struggle for existence is the fountain-head of all calamities and is the supreme affliction. (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablet to the Hague, p. 7)

A. Chastity
There is no need to dwell at length on the implications of spotless chastity and the integrity of the sacred marital bond set forth in our teachings, as these have been clearly outlined and amply elaborated in our scriptures and in the writings of our beloved Guardian. Such matters as the age of marriage or the manner of meeting economic commitments are left to the individual to decide for himself. The friends, however, should not hesitate to seek the advice of their local Spiritual Assemblies in all such matters if they feel the need. As the suffering and unrest afflicting humanity increase, and moral restraints are one by one abolished, the Bahá'ís must learn to obtain, through study and prayer, a clearer vision of their mission, earnestly seek to purge their lives of the influences of laity and promiscuity characterizing modern society, and insure that the fair name and integrity of the Faith they serve and love so dearly remain unstained and unsullied. (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to two believers, May 22, 1966)

Concerning the positive aspects of chastity the Universal House of Justice states that the Bahá'í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse and holds that the institution of marriage has been established as the channel of its rightful expression. Bahá'ís do not believe that the sex impulse should be suppressed but that it should be regulated and controlled.

Chastity in no way implies withdrawal from human relationships. It liberates people from the tyranny of the ubiquity of sex. A person who is in control of his sexual impulses is enabled to have profound and enduring friendships with many people, both men and women, without ever sullying that unique and priceless bond that should unite man and wife. (From a letter dated 8 May 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer)

The Bahá'í standard is very high, more particularly when compared with the thoroughly rotten morals of the present world. But this standard of ours will produce healthier, happier, nobler people, and induce stabler marriages.... (From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer)  (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 49)

As to chastity, this is one of the most challenging concepts to get across in this very permissive age, but Bahá'ís must make the utmost effort to uphold Bahá'í standards, no matter how difficult they may seem at first. Such efforts will be made easier if the youth will understand that the laws and standards of the Faith are meant to free them from untold spiritual   and moral difficulties in the same way that a proper appreciation of the laws of nature enables one to live in harmony with the forces of the planet. (From a letter dated 14 January 1985 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 47-48)

"In considering the effect of obedience to the laws on individual lives, one must remember that the purpose of this life is to prepare the soul for the next. Here one must learn to control and direct one's animal impulses, not to be a slave to them. Life in this world is a succession of tests and achievements, of falling short and of making new spiritual advances. Sometimes the course may seem very hard, but one can witness, again and again, that the soul who steadfastly obeys the Law of Bahá'u'lláh, however hard it may seem, grows spiritually, while the one who compromises with the law for the sake of his own apparent happiness is seen to have been following a chimera: he does not attain the happiness he sought, he retards his spiritual advance and often brings new problems upon himself." (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, excerpts from letter to all National Spiritual Assemblies, February 6, 1973)

"What Bahá'u'lláh means by chastity certainly does not include the kissing that goes on in modern society. It is detrimental to the morals of young people, and often leads them to go too far, or arouses appetites which they cannot perhaps at the time satisfy legitimately through marriage, and the suppression of which is a strain on them.

"The Bahá'í standard is very high, more particularly when compared with the thoroughly rotten morals of the present world. But this standard of ours will produce healthier, happier, nobler people, and induce stabler marriages." (From a letter written on behalf of the Guardian to an individual believer, October 19, 1947)

"The world today is submerged, amongst other things, in an over- exaggeration of the importance of physical love, and a dearth of spiritual values. In as far as possible the believers should try to realize this and rise above the level of their fellow-men who are, typical of all decadent periods in history, placing so much over-emphasis on the purely physical side of mating. Outside of their normal, legitimate married life they should seek to establish bonds of comradeship and love which are eternal and founded on the spiritual life of man, not on his physical life. This is one of the many fields in which it is incumbent on the Bahá'ís to set the example and lead the way to a true human standard of life, when the soul of man is exalted and his body but the tool for his enlightened spirit. Needless to say this does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage." (From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 28, 1941: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, pp. 108-109)

"The question you raise as to the place in one's life that a deep bond of love with someone we meet other than our husband or wife can have is easily defined in view of the teachings. Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed." (From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 28, 1941: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, pp. 108-109)

"We have received your letter of 19 June 1973 and can sympathize with the problems that Bahá'í youth face when trying to live up to the Bahá'í standards of behavior. It is, perhaps, natural that in the bewildering amoral environment in which Bahá'í youth are growing up they feel the need for specific instructions on which intimacies are permissible and which are not. However, we feel it would be most unwise for any Bahá'í institution to issue detailed instructions about this.

"The Bahá'í youth should study the teachings on chastity and, with these in mind, should avoid any behaviour which would arouse passions which would tempt them to violate them. In deciding what acts are permissible to them in the light of these considerations the youth must use their own judgement, following the guidance of their consciences and the advice of their parents.

"If Bahá'í youth combine such personal purity with an attitude of uncensorious forbearance towards others they will find that those who may have criticized or even mocked them will come, in time, to respect them. They will, moreover, be laying a firm foundation for future married happiness." (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to a Local Spiritual Assembly, July 9, 1973)

"...The Bahá'í youth should, on the one hand, be taught the lesson of self-control which, when exercised, undoubtedly has a salutary effect on the development of character and of personality in general, and on the other should be advised, nay even encouraged, to contract marriage while still young and in full possession of their physical vigour. Economic factors, no doubt, are often a serious hindrance to early marriage but in most cases are only an excuse, and as such should not be over stressed." (From a letter written on behalf of the Guardian to an individual believer, December 13, 1940: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, p. 109)

"As to chastity, this is one of the most challenging concepts to get across in this very permissive age, but Bahá'ís must make the utmost effort to uphold Bahá'í standards, no matter how difficult they may seem at first. Such efforts will be made easier if the youth will understand that the laws and standards of the Faith are meant to free them from untold spiritual and moral difficulties in the same way that a proper appreciation of the laws of nature enables one to live 362  in harmony with the forces of the planet. You may wish also to seek the advice of the Education Committee on teaching chastity to young Bahá'ís." (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, January 14, 1985) (Lights of Guidance, p. 359)

Concerning your question whether there are any legitimate forms of expression of the sex instinct outside of marriage; according to the Bahá'í Teachings no sexual act can be considered lawful unless performed between lawfully married persons. Outside of marital life there can be no lawful or healthy use of the sex impulse. The Bahá'í youth should, on the one hand, be taught the lesson of self- control which, when exercised, undoubtedly has a salutary effect on the development of character and of personality in general, and on the other should be advised, nay even encouraged, to contract marriage while still young and in full possession of their physical vigour. Economic factors, no doubt, are often a serious hindrance to early marriage, but in most cases are only an excuse, and as such should not be overstressed. (From a letter dated 13 December 1940 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 56)

4. Consent of parents
It hath been laid down in the Bayan that marriage is dependent upon the consent of both parties. Desiring to establish love, unity and harmony amidst Our servants, We have conditioned it, once the couple's wish is known, upon the permission of their parents, lest enmity and rancour should arise amongst them. And in this We have yet other purposes. Thus hath Our commandment been ordained. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 42)

In a letter written on his behalf, Shoghi Effendi has commented on this provision of the law:

Bahá'u'lláh has clearly stated the consent of all living parents is required for a Bahá'í marriage. This applies whether the parents are Bahá'ís or non-Bahá'ís, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of the children for those who have given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their Creator.

(The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207)

The validity of a Bahá'í marriage is dependent upon the free and full consent of all four parents. The freedom of the parents in the exercise of this right is unrestricted and unconditioned. They may refuse their consent on any ground, and they are responsible for their decision to God alone. (on behalf of SE, 19 March 1938)	(The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 444)

As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere." ("Abdu'l-Bahá: Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 118) (Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 374)

Marriage is conditioned on the consent of both parties and their parents, whether the woman be a maiden or not. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 149)

"In the Bahá'í Faith it is the right of each individual to choose without duress his future partner in marriage and the freedom of the parents in exercising their right to give or refuse consent is unconditional. While it is desirable to have a signed consent from each parent it is not a requirement under Bahá'í Law. The responsible Spiritual Assembly must satisfy itself that consent is freely given but it should not insist upon a signed document. Reliable evidence of oral consents is quite sufficient; some parents freely give their consents orally while refusing to write their consents." (From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to the National Spiritual Assembly of Guyana, April, 11, 1978)

"Basically, Bahá'í Law pertaining to marriage requires that the parties intending to marry must obtain consent of all living natural parents. Further, the responsibility of the parents in giving their consent is unrestricted and unconditioned, but in discharging this duty they are responsible for their decision to God. Should the parents in their letter of consent, as you indicated, not name a specific future spouse, the House of Justice states that it could be accepted and it would be permissible to perform a Bahá'í marriage ceremony on the basis of such a letter." (From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, October 9, 1975)

But, concerning thy marriage with the maid-servant of God,. . ., do not be in a hurry. Deliberation and patience are necessary until her mother giveth her consent and thy father and mother also acquiesce. This is the divine commandment! Take thou hold of it with a true firmness. Verily this is better for thee under all circumstances! Verily thy Lord is gracious to His servants and He facilitates ere long every straight cause. But thou must submit to and rely upon God under all conditions and He will bestow upon thee that which is conducive to thy well-being. Verily He is merciful and compassionate! For how many an affair was involved in difficulty and then was straightened, and how many a problem was solved by the permission of God.

Be thou not grieved, neither be thou sad. Finish thy studies in sciences and then turn thy face unto God, asking from Him help and protection under all conditions. 456 	(Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 455)

5. Consultation
Consultation bestoweth greater awareness and transmuteth conjecture into certitude. It is a shining light which, in a dark world, leadeth the way and guideth. For everything there is and will continue to be a station of perfection and maturity. The maturity of the gift of understanding is made manifest through consultation. (Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3)

Consultation giveth him insight into things and enableth him to delve into questions which are unknown. ('Abdu'l-Bahá, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 8)

In all things it is necessary to consult. This matter should be forcibly stressed by thee, so that consultation may be observed by all. The intent of what hath been revealed from the Pen of the Most High is that consultation may be fully carried out among the friends, inasmuch as it is and will always be a cause of awareness and of awakening and a source of good and well-being. (Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3)

"The second principle is that of detachment in consultation. The members of an Assembly must learn to express their views frankly, calmly, without passion or rancour. They must also learn to listen to the opinions of their fellow members without taking offense or belittling the views if another. Bahá'í consultation is not an easy process. It requires love, kindliness, moral courage and humility. Thus no member should ever allow himself to be prevented from expressing frankly his view because it may offend a fellow member; and, realizing this, no member should take offense at another member's statements. (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to the National Spiritual Assembly if Italy, August 26, 1965) (Lights of Guidance, p. 179-180)

The qualities by which the individual can achieve the personal discipline necessary to successful consultation find their full expression in what Shoghi Effendi regarded as the "spirit of a true Bahá'í". Ponder, for instance, the appealing remark addressed to your own community in one of his earliest letters: "Nothing short of the spirit of a true Bahá'í can hope to reconcile the principles of mercy and justice, of freedom and submission, of the sanctity of the right of the individual and of self-surrender, of vigilance, discretion and prudence on the one hand, and fellowship, candour, and courage on the other." This was an appeal to the maturity and the distinction towards which he repeatedly directed their thoughts. (The Universal House of Justice, 1988 Dec 29, Individual Rights and Freedoms, p. 8)

This is the age in which mankind must attain maturity, and one aspect of this is the assumption by individuals of the responsibility for deciding, with the assistance of consultation, their own course of action in areas which are left open by the law of God. (The Universal House of Justice, 1988 Jun 05, Detailed Legislation on Moral Issues)

The relationship between husband and wife must be viewed in the context of the Bahá'í ideal of family life. Bahá'u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, one must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it, and one of the keys to the strengthening of unity is loving consultation. The atmosphere within a Bahá'í family as within the community as a whole should express "the keynote of the Cause of God" which, the beloved Guardian has stated, "is not dictatorial authority, but humble fellowship, not arbitrary power, but the spirit of frank and loving consultation." (The Universal House of Justice, 1980 Dec 28, The Relationship Between Husband and Wife) In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá'u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.

Bahá'u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives.... (on behalf of Universal House of Justice, 1 August 1978, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

6. Equity and Justice
The Guardian, in his remarks ... about parents' and children's, wives' and husbands' relations in America, meant that there is a tendency in that country for children to be too independent of the wishes of their parents and lacking in the respect due to them. Also wives, in some cases, have a tendency to exert an unjust degree of domination over their husbands, which, of course, is not right, any more than that the husband should unjustly dominate his wife. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 22 July 1943) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 404)

The systematic subordination of women is starkly evident in each of the following areas: (1) education; (2) violence and abuse at home and in society; (3) discrimination in income-producing opportunities; (4) family decision-making; (5) inequality in, or exclusion from, economic and political power structures; (6) male control of (and unaccountable use of) family income; and (7) sole, socially unsupported female responsibility for child-rearing. The subordination of women in each of these arenas is the result of an almost inextricable combination of laws, attitudes, institutional arrangements and procedures, economic structures, and legal silences. In each of these areas, the oppressive system and structures are undermined by explicit Bahá'í laws and social principles which address the pervasive inequality which is stubbornly surviving even formidable legal reforms. Bahá'í laws and principles go beyond the notion of equal opportunity to create societies which systematically and institutionally value both motherhood and the participation of women in public affairs, societies which embody and express both the feminine "ethic of care" and the masculine "ethic of rights," [14] which strive both to preserve relationships and to promote justice. (Baha'i International Community, 1995 Aug 26, Creating Legal Institutional Structures for Gender Equality)

To any objective observer the principle of the equality of the sexes is fundamental to all realistic thinking about the future well-being of the earth and its people. It represents a truth about human nature that has waited largely unrecognized throughout the long ages of the race's childhood and adolescence. "Women and men," is Bahá'u'lláh's emphatic assertion, "have been and will always be equal in the sight of God." The rational soul has no sex, and whatever social inequities may have been dictated by the survival requirements of the past, they clearly cannot be justified at a time when humanity stands at the threshold of maturity. A commitment to the establishment of full equality between men and women, in all departments of life and at every level of society, will be central to the success of efforts to conceive and implement a strategy of global development. (Baha'i International Community, 1995 Mar 03, The Prosperity of Humankind)

The House of Justice suggests that all statements in the Holy Writings concerning specific areas of the relationship between men and women should be considered in the light of the general principle of equality between the sexes that has been authoritatively and repeatedly enunciated in the Sacred Texts. In one of His Tablets 'Abdu'l-Bahá asserts: "In this divine age the bounties of God have encompassed the world of women. Equality of men and women, except in some negligible instances, has been fully and categorically announced. Distinctions have been utterly removed." That men and women differ from one another in certain characteristics and functions is an inescapable fact of nature; the important thing is that 'Abdu'l-Bahá regards such inequalities as remain as being "negligible." (The Universal House of Justice, 1980 Dec 28, The Relationship Between Husband and Wife)

7. Character
Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity....

The true marriage of Bahá'ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118)

In this most Merciful Age the ignorant prejudices are entirely removed, therefore the marriage of Miss. . . to Mr. .. is permissible; but Miss. . . must exert herself day and night so that, like the favored maid-servant of God, Mrs. .. she may guide her husband. She must not rest until she makes him her spiritual as well as physical partner in life. But the Bahai engagement is the perfect communication and the entire consent of both parties. However, they must show forth the utmost attention and become informed of one another's character and the firm covenant made between each other must become an eternal binding, and their intentions must be everlasting affinity, friendship, unity and life. The bridegroom must, before the bridesman and a few others, say: "Verily, we are content with the will of god." And the bride must rejoin: "Verily, we are satisfied with the desire of God." This is Bahai matrimony. (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 325)

The Bahá'í standard is very high, more particularly when compared with the thoroughly rotten morals of the present world. But this standard of ours will produce healthier, happier, nobler people, and induce stabler marriages.... (From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 49)

Such a chaste and holy life, with its implications of modesty, purity, temperance, decency, and clean-mindedness, involves no less than the exercise of moderation in all that pertains to dress, language, amusements, and all artistic and literary avocations. It demands daily vigilance in the control of one's carnal desires and corrupt inclinations. It calls for the abandonment of a frivolous conduct, with its excessive attachment to trivial and often misdirected pleasures. It requires total abstinence from all alcoholic drinks, from opium, and from similar habit-forming drugs. It condemns the prostitution of art and of literature, the practices of nudism and of companionate marriage, infidelity in marital relationships, and all manner of promiscuity, of easy familiarity, and of sexual vices. It can tolerate no compromise with the theories, the standards, the habits, and the excesses of a decadent age. Nay rather it seeks to demonstrate, through the dynamic force of its example, the pernicious character of such theories, the falsity of such standards, the hollowness of such claims, the perversity of such habits, and the sacrilegious character of such excesses.

(Shoghi Effendi, "The Advent of Divine Justice", p. 30)

A. Trustworthiness
[I]n the sight of God, trustworthiness is the bedrock of His Faith and the foundation of all virtues and perfections. A man deprived of this quality is destitute of everything. What shall faith and piety avail if trustworthiness be lacking? Of what consequence can they be? What benefit or advantage can they confer? ('Abdu'l-Bahá, "Trustworthiness," The Compilation of Compilations, Volume II (Bahá'í Publications Australia, 1991, page 340).

Of the manifold virtues in Bahá'í Scriptures which the individual is exhorted to cultivate, trustworthiness is of the first rank. Bahá'u'lláh states that the tranquility and security of the world, the stability of every affair -- of every human transaction, of every contract negotiated, of every endeavor promulgated -- depend on it. Whether in the home, at work, in the community or in business or political affairs, trustworthiness is at the heart of all constructive interaction and engagement. It is key to the maintenance of unity between diverse peoples and nations. Therefore, every development effort must include as a prime objective the inculcation of trustworthiness in the individuals, communities and institutions involved. (Baha'i International Community, 1998 Feb 18, Valuing Spirituality in Development)

B. Patience
I wish to assure you, in particular, of his supplications for your guidance in connection with your proposed plan to unite in marriage with Dr.. May the Beloved help you in forming the right decision, and spare you the anxiety and suffering which too hasty action in such matters inevitably produces. You should give this question, which is of such vital concern to your future, the full consideration it deserves, and examine all its aspects carefully and dispassionately. The final decision rests with you and Dr..... (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 17 January 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446)

Service
As to the terminology I used in my letter, bidding thee to consecrate thyself to service in the Cause of God, the meaning of it is this: limit thy thoughts to teaching the Faith. Act by day and night according to the teachings and counsels and admonitions of Bahá'u'lláh. This doth not preclude marriage. Thou canst take unto thyself a husband and at the same time serve the Cause of God; the one doth not preclude the other. Know thou the value of these days; let not this chance escape thee. Beg thou God to make thee a lighted candle, so that thou mayest guide a great multitude through this darksome world. 101

(Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 100)

The Guardian will pray for the solution of your problems. He will pray for the healing of your son, and for the happiness and unity of your family. The true basis of unity is service, and he hopes all the members will arise with renewed effort to teach the Faith. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 September 1956, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 452)

Spiritual and physical bond
Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed.

The world today is submerged, amongst other things, in an over-exaggeration of the importance of physical love, and a dearth of spiritual values. In as far as possible the believers should try to realize this and rise above the level of their fellow-men who are, typical of all decadent periods in history, placing so much over-emphasis on the purely physical side of mating. Outside of their normal, legitimate married life they should seek to establish bonds of comradeship and love which are eternal and founded on the spiritual life of man, not on his physical life. This is one of the many fields in which it is incumbent on the Bahá'ís to set the example and lead the way to a true human standard of life, when the soul of man is exalted and his body but the tool for his enlightened spirit. Needless to say this does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage. (From a letter dated 28 September 1941 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 56)

And above all other unions is that between human beings, especially when it cometh to pass in the love of God. Thus is the primal oneness made to appear; thus is laid the foundation of love in the spirit.... ("Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá", p. 119) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 388)

For the Bahá'í Teachings do not only preclude the possibility of bigamy, but also, while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehensible act, which should be resorted to only in exceptional circumstances, and when grave issues are involved, transcending such considerations as physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony. The institution of marriage, as established by Bahá'u'lláh, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted by God.

The Guardian will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such a divine standard, and strengthened by Bahá'u'lláh's unfailing assistance and confirmations, you may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned, and thus reach the one right solution to this assuredly challenging problem of your life. (On behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 8 May 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446)

Bahá'u'lláh has urged marriage upon all people as the natural and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong emphasis on its spiritual nature, which, while in no way precluding a normal physical life, is the most essential aspect of marriage. That two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater importance than that they 405  should be consumed with passion for each other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to lean in time of need; the other a purely temporary thing which may at any time die out. (on behalf of SE, 20 January 1943) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 404)

Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one and eternity ....

The true marriage of Bahá'ís is this, united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage. ("Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá", sec. 86, p. 11) (The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 442)

Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.

Among the people of Baha, however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.

When, therefore, the people of Baha undertake to marry, the union must be a true relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God.

In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever. Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip from themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness, and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 117-118)

Children: the sacred and primary purpose of marriage

(The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 237)

O ye my two beloved children! The news of your union, as soon as it reached me, imparted infinite joy and gratitude. Praise be to God, those two faithful birds have sought shelter in one nest. I beseech God that He may enable them to raise an honoured family, for the importance of marriage lieth in the bringing up of a richly blessed family, so that with entire gladness they may, even as candles, illuminate the world. For the enlightenment of the world dependeth upon the existence of man. If man did not exist in this world, it would have been like a tree without fruit. My hope is that you both may become even as one tree, and may, through the outpourings of the cloud of loving-kindness, acquire freshness and charm, and may blossom and yield fruit, so that your line may eternally endure. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 120)

The Bahá'í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially-conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race -- which is the very flower of the entire creation -- and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 15 April 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446)

Companionship, helpmates, intimacy, concern

O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.

Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 122)

"Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life." ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Baha'i Prayers, p. 103)

However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families.... (Universal House of Justice, 24 June 1979, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 383)

Dowry
The payment of dowry is not yet universally applicable.

With the Revelation of Bahá'u'lláh many familiar concepts, customs and institutions are redefined and take on new meaning. One of these is the dowry. The institution of dowry is a very ancient practice in many cultures and takes many forms. In some countries it is a payment made by the parents of the bride to the bridegroom; in others it is a payment made by the bridegroom to the parents of the bride, called a "bride-price". In both such cases the amount is often quite considerable. The law of Bahá'u'lláh abolishes all such variants and converts the dowry into a symbolic act whereby the bridegroom presents a gift of a certain limited value to the bride. (Notes, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207-208)

Abiding by the will of God
The willingness of each party to abide by the will of God is a good indicator of the success of the marriage.

"We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God." (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 105)

Diversity
'Abdu'l-Bahá has written that the more distant the blood-relationship between the couple the better, since such marriages provide the basis for the physical well-being of humanity and are conducive to fellowship among mankind.

(Notes, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 222)

Marriage a sacred relationship
The Bahá'í attitude is that marriage is a very serious and sacred relationship and divorce a last resort to be avoided if humanly possible. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 10 August 1945, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 448)

As Bahá'u'lláh was so very much against divorce (even though He permits it) and considered marriage a most sacred responsibility, believers should do everything in their power to preserve the marriages they have contracted, and to make of them exemplary unions, governed by the noblest motives. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 19 October 1947, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 448)

The Guardian has long felt that the American Bahá'ís are not, in some cases, living up to the ideal of marriage set forth by Bahá'u'lláh. They are prone to being influenced by the current light and selfish attitude of the people towards the marriage bond. Consequently when he sees you are successfully living up to the Bahá'í standard, putting your best into it and preserving this sacred tie you have with your husband, he is very happy indeed. He hopes you will be in a position to be an example to others. For he disapproves of the way some Bahá'ís, in the name of serving the Cause, disencumber themselves of their husbands, or go and get new ones! 408 (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 2 April 1950) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 407)

The Guardian, in view of the fact that your husband does not really wish to be separated from you, but on the contrary is desirous of keeping your marriage together, feels that you, as a Bahá'í, have no right to destroy it because of your desire to serve the Faith.

Marriage is a very sacred institution. Bahá'u'lláh said its purpose is to promote unity. If the friends neglect, for the sake of the Cause, this institution, they place the Faith in a poor light before the public. In these days the people of the world are so immoral, and treat the marriage institution so lightly; and we, as Bahá'ís, in contrast to the people of the 410  world, are trying to create a high moral standard, an reinstate the sanctity of marriage.

If your husband will allow you to do a certain amount of teaching work, and occasionally to travel in the interests of the Faith, all the better; but he does not think the Faith should be made the thing which destroys your family life. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 June 1954) (The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 409)

Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only under rare and urgent circumstances be resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage, and the believers must combat this trend assiduously. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 January 1948, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 450)

Bahá'ís should be profoundly aware of the sanctity of marriage and should strive to make their marriages an eternal bond of unity and harmony. This requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation. A Bahá'í should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner. This is a standard held up to the individual. It is not a law, but an exhortation. It is a goal to which we should strive.

(Universal House of Justice, 3 November 1982, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 456)

In reply to a question, He (AB) said "It is not that divorce should be more easy, but that marriages should be more difficult."

(Lady Blomfield, The Chosen Highway, p. 213)

Children from divorced home
Divorce under such circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and feelings but also concerns the children's entire future and their own attitude towards marriage. (on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 19 December 1947, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 450)

Resources and References
An edited and abbreviated transcript of an excellent talk given by Dr. Danesh on "Marriage and Sexuality" on 13 April 1991 in Springfield, Virginia, USA, in the home of Mr. & Mrs. Augusto López-Claros. http://bahai-library.org/talks/marriage.sexuality.html

Wikipedia entry on Bahai marriage http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1%27%C3%AD_marriage

Marriage Laws in the Kitab-i-Aqdas
''Those laws given in the Kitab-i-Aqdas serve as signs, standards and tests for the welfare of the world and the security and happiness of it people. The synopsis and codification of the laws on marrigage in the Aqdas are given below for consideration. Much of the guidance given in the Baha'i writings are based on these laws. Some of the laws in the Kitab-i-Aqdas, for example, i and j below, are not applicable to all the believers at present.''

1. Marriage:

a. Marriage is highly recommended but not obligatory.

b. Plurality of wives is forbidden.

c. Marriage is conditioned upon both parties having attained the age of maturity which is fixed at 15.

d. Marriage is conditioned on the consent of both parties and their parents, whether the woman be a maiden or not.

e. It is incumbent upon both parties to recite a specifically revealed verse indicating their being content with the will of God.

f. Marriage with one's stepmother is forbidden.

g. All matters related to marriage with one's kindred are to be referred to the House of Justice.

h. Marriage with unbelievers is permitted.

i. Betrothal:

i. The period of engagement must not exceed 95 days.

ii. It is unlawful to become engaged to a girl before she reaches the age of maturity.

j. The Dowry:

i. Marriage is conditioned on payment of a dowry.

ii. The dowry is fixed at 19 mithqals of pure gold for city-dwellers, and 19 mithqals of silver for village-dwellers, depending on the permanent residence of the husband, and not of the wife.

iii. It is forbidden to pay more than 95 mithqals.

iv. It is preferable that a man content himself with the payment of 19 mithqals of silver.

v. If the full payment of dowry is not possible the issue of a promissory note is permissible. (KA, 149-151)

A Bahá'í Wedding Conducted by 'Abdu'l-Bahá in London
QUITE an oriental note was struck toward the end of 'Abdu'l-Bahá's London visit, by the marriage of a young Persian couple who had sought his presence for the ceremony, the bride journeying from Baghdad accompanied by her uncle in order to meet her fiance here and be married before 'Abdu'l-Bahá's departure. The bride's father and grandfather had been followers of Bahá'u'lláh during the time of his banishment.

We hesitate to alter the bridegroom's description of the service and therefore print it in his own simple and beautiful language. It will serve to show a side not touched on elsewhere, and without which no idea of his visit is complete. We refer to the attitude of reverence with which people from the East who came to see 'Abdu'l-Bahá regard their great teacher. They invariably rise and stand with bowed heads whenever he enters the room.

Mirza Dawud writes: --

On Sunday morning, the 1st of October, 1911, A.D., equal to the 9th Tishi 5972 (Hebrew Era), Regina Nur Mahal Khanum, and Mirza Yuhanna Dawud were admitted into the holy presence of 'Abdu'l-Bahá: may my life be a sacrifice to Him!

After receiving us, 'Abdu'l-Bahá said, "You are very welcome and it makes me happy to see you here in London." 78

Looking at me he said, "Never have I united anyone in marriage before, except my own daughters, but as I love you much, and you have rendered a great service to the Kingdom of Abha, both in this country and in other lands, I will perform your marriage ceremony today. It is my hope that you may both continue in the blessed path of service."

Then, first, 'Abdu'l-Bahá took Nur Mahal Khanum into the next room and said to her, "Do you love Mirza Yuhanna Dawud with all your heart and soul?" She answered, "Yes, I do."

Then 'Abdu'l-Bahá called me to him and put a similar question, that is to say, "Do you love Nur Mahal Khanum with all your heart and soul?" I answered "Yes, I do." We re-entered the room together and 'Abdu'l-Bahá took the right hand of the bride and gave it into that of the bridegroom and asked us to say after him, "We do all to please God."

We all sat down and 'Abdu'l-Bahá continued; "Marriage is a holy institution and much encouraged in this blessed cause. Now you two are no longer two, but one. Bahá'u'lláh's wish is that all men be of one mind and consider themselves of one great household, that the mind of mankind be not divided against itself.

"It is my wish and hope that you may be blessed in your life. May God help you to render great service to the kingdom of Abha and may you become a means of its advancement.

"May joy be increased to you as the years go by, and may you become thriving trees bearing delicious and fragrant fruits which are the blessings in the path of service."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 78-79)

The friends of God must so live and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife should not be purely physical, nay rather it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!

"In short, the foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and wife. If one of these two become the cause of divorce, that one will 392  unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities and experience deep remorse."

('Abdu'l-Bahá: Extracts from the Bahá'í Teachings Discouraging Divorce: A Compilation prepared by the Research Department of the Universal House of Justice, January 1980)

(Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 391)


text:
Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Attraction, Love and Unity

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
Do you love or are you attracted to one another in body, mind and soul?

Are you committed to one another for all time?

Do you feel at one physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually with your partner?

Do you like the same things?

Do you like one another’s friends and families?

Is it easy for you to have agreement with your partner without compromising yourself?

Do you feel comfort, safety, ease and at one with one another?

Do you agree on what is true, beautiful and good physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually?

Introduction
These may seem like simple and basic questions, but they are vital and complex. Attraction and love needs to be considered on all the same levels as maturity: physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually. Marriage is about love, attraction, commitment and attachment of body, mind and spirit. Attractiveness has to do with maturity and likeness. Both science and traditional belief systems support the idea that likes attract likes and that the greater the affinity and likenesses a couple have, the greater the likelihood of a successful marriage.

The first and primary task in finding a good spouse for a happy marriage is to make your self beautiful in all ways. Most people focus on their physical beauty, and fail to develop their psychological, social and spiritual attractiveness. As you become more attractive, others will become attracted to you. When you find someone attractive, and they have an attraction to you, then you can begin to determine if your attraction is physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually sound enough to consider marriage. Each person will have beauty in different forms, combinations and degrees.

At the time of marriage, most people are at the peak of their physical ability and beauty. The rest of their life those qualities will fade and decline, and necessarily end in death. The psychological, social and spiritual aspects of an individual will continue to grow and develop as the result of the exercise of our wills. The spiritual aspects are the only things that will survive beyond this earthly life.

Remember that some things we are attracted to are not good for us, and one must strongly look at a person’s character (see Character below) to determine if your attraction is good for you or not.

Physical-Material
Physical attraction is usually the first, and unfortunately, often the most important factor in attraction and choosing a spouse. Physical and sexual attraction are built into human nature, especially our animal nature. It is a strong force in bringing together a man and woman. Sexual attraction is essential for the continuation of the human race as through sexual intercourse procreation results. Sexual attraction is one of the most basic and strongest of human physical drives and desires.

Physical attraction is a temporary thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and over time both the eye of the beholder and the physical beauty of the beholden change. This is not a lasting quality and not one on which a marriage should be based, though it is definitely a sign to be considered in your selection of a mate.

What we find as physically attractive is strongly influenced by our culture. We are taught what is beautiful and what we should desire, especially in consumer societies. With globalization, regional and cultural ideas of physical and sexual beauty are becoming more influenced by international and media conceptions and standards.

The cultures of today, especially the Western and materialistic cultures, give an exaggerated over emphasis on the importance of romantic love, physical attractiveness and sex. They each have their roles to play in a happy and successful marriage, but in no way equal or counter balance the psychological, social and spiritual factors.

Economic and power factors play a part in this material attraction. Even more than physical beauty, money and power can be transitory possessions. As much as they are important to you, they should be considered, but they are generally given undue emphasis in modern society, which lead to other problems in marriages. Being attracted to the same economic values and ideals and sharing compatible ideas about who should have power and how it should be wielded, are aspects of character (see below). Being united about these issues will help to solve one of the most common and persistent problems reported in marriages today and a cause of many divorces.

Psychological-Intellectual
Physical and sexual attraction has more to do with psychological factors than physical looks. Sex generally breaks down in marriages more for psychological reasons than for physical. We all suffer some psychological problems and have limitations that will affect our ability to deal with marriage and family. We often enter into relationships to meet some psychological need or desire. If we are not aware of these often unconscious factors we might be driven in ways that will not be in our best interests.

One aspect of psychological attraction has to do with intelligence. The marriage partners should be attracted to and unified with the thinking of each other. Some personality types get along better than others. Knowing you and your prospective partner’s personality types may be helpful. Some personality inventories such as the Myers-Briggs are easy to use to get some preliminary information.

Do not be too influenced by praise or criticism. Some people want to be loved so much that they will be easily misled. Others have constructed models of love that are based on psychological deficiencies: they want someone to save them, worship them or even abuse them. See Character below for a more complete treatment of this topic.

Social-Emotional
Beauty and attraction are socially constructed; therefore vary depending on social circumstances. Seeing one another as trusted and loving companions who enjoy one another’s company is a sign of social attraction. The closer your ideas and values about social conduct and appropriateness, the more likely you will find the other acceptable and attractive.

Unfortunately, we are socially conditioned to be attracted to relationships that may not be healthy for either party, but fulfill immature or wrong ideas about what a husband and wife should be in relation to one another.

Ideas of fairness, equity and justice differ among cultures and individuals. Finding a partner who views these ideals similarly will engender greater love and unity in the family. Unfortunately, these social constructs are skewed in our world in a way that discriminates against the women. Most marriages are based on this inequity. This condition may be accepted but it is not conducive to healthy growth and development of the individual, marriage or family. As most marriages we have grown up in have followed this model and as we are heavily influenced by the childhood models of marriage we grew up with, it will take conscious and sustained effort to overcome these out-moded practices and ideas.

The true basis of social unity is service. The married couple is to be helpmates serving one another, as concerned for the other’s needs and welfare as much or more than for their own. The degree of social-emotional unity and health in the marriage will depend on the level of equity and justice in it.

Spiritual-Moral
From a spiritual perspective, unity with another person is based on unity with God and self. Inner harmony depends on a unity of our thoughts, feelings and actions.

The most enduring of attractions and ideals of beauty are spiritual. The love of an all-loving source of creation is the fountain from which all other loves flow. By sharing this mutual attachment to a higher power outside of themselves, they find a point of agreement and love. Marriage is meant to be a spiritual union, an eternal bond, a firm covenant and cordial affection based on love, knowledge and will. As such, it is the source of blessings, contentment, joy and harmony.

You must be informed of and attracted to each other’s spiritual natures or souls. A sign of a positive spiritual attraction is that you both encourage one another’s spiritual development and that you share compatible values. Submission to the will of God or some higher spiritual entity by both parties and some common agreement on what that means forms a bond that is vital for unity to flourish.

Being in agreement with and attracted to each other’s moral and ethical values and positions will be vital to a harmonious relationship.

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