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Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Baha’i Guidance on Selecting a Spouse for a Successful Marriage

Baha’i Guidance on Selecting a Spouse for a Successful Marriage

Compiled by Rodney H. Clarken

Lack of Guidance and Independence in Choosing a Spouse
Selecting a spouse is one of the most important decisions a person will make in life, yet guidance is limited, unreliable and misleading. Rather than choosing with independence and with information that accounts for important standards and requirements of selection, many people choose a spouse based on cultural values. The criteria and values are often based on tradition and imitation. The current standards for selecting a spouse in the West center on mainly material considerations: physical/sexual attractiveness and social and economic status.

The media treats the subject of marriage and finding a spouse in a distressing manner. Most focus on the physical and sexual qualities of the person and seem to encourage an unrealistic and harmful attitude and thinking about selecting a spouse. Our images and fantasies about marriage and romance have set up much disappointment, hurt and injustice. Furthermore, the marriage industry has mushroomed with the result that more people spend more time and more resources on their wedding than they do on their marriage.

The Gravity of the Decision
The repercussions of a divorce are lifelong. The repercussions could be shared by children and influence their children as well. Many people are discouraged about getting married as the institution of marriage seems to bring more problems than benefits. Presently in the West, the chances of a first marriage ending in divorce are about 50%, suggesting that the process of marriage and the attitude to marriage needs to be refined.

Guidance from the Baha'i Writings and Science
How is one to know whether the person they hope to marry will be someone with whom they can fruitfully and happily share their lives? Counter balancing the pervasive influences that affect our thoughts and values today and to offer sound and sane advice about selecting a spouse for a successful marriage, some guidance from the Baha’i Writings on this subject is below. Guidance is also available from scientific studies that empirically determine the factors that seem to contribute to or correlate with longer and happier marriages. See the reference list for some of these books.

The Lord Hast Enjoined Marriage
O peerless Lord! In Thine almighty wisdom Thou hast enjoined marriage upon the peoples, that the generations of men may succeed one another in this contingent world, and that ever, so long as the world shall last, they may busy themselves at the Threshold of Thy oneness with servitude and worship, with salutation, adoration and praise.

- `Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i Prayers, p. 104

The Command of Marriage is Eternal
Regarding the question of matrimony: Know thou that the command of marriage is eternal. It will never be changed nor altered. This is divine creation and there is not the slightest possibility that change or alteration affect this divine creation (marriage).

- `Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 474)

Marriage is a Divine Institution
The Bahá'í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially- conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race -- which is the very flower of the entire creation -- and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God.

That there should be, however, certain individuals who by reason of some serious deficiency, physical or mental, would be incapacitated to contract marriage and enjoy the blessings of an enduring and successful marital life is only too evident, but these constitute only a very small section of humanity, and are therefore merely an exception, and their condition cannot possibly invalidate what an all-wise and loving Providence has decreed to be the normal way to a fruitful and constructive social existence.

The exact conditions and circumstances under which such incapacitated individuals should be advised or even prevented perhaps from entering into any sort of marital existence have not been specified in the Bahá'í Writings, but will have to be defined later on by the Universal House of Justice. In the mean time, those believers who consider themselves as falling into the above category would do well, before taking any final decision themselves, to consult medical experts, who are both conscientious and competent, and to abide by their recommendation.

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 479, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 15 April 1939

One Cannot be Justified in Disregarding Marriage Under Normal Circumstances
He has noted the question you had asked concerning the problem of marriage, and its infrequency among the believers in general. It is indeed a matter of deep regret to him that some of our young believers do not attach due importance to the question of marriage, and seem, as you state, to be under the impression that marital life has been discouraged in the Cause. This is certainly an erroneous conception, and whosoever takes the pain to carefully and intelligently read the words of Bahá'u'lláh, and to ponder over their implications, cannot but be convinced of the truth that in the Bahá'í Faith marriage, and family life, in particular, are both not only commendable, but constitute a social function of highest and indeed vital importance, as through them alone the human race is perpetuated.

The believers should well know that whereas Bahá'u'lláh has not made marriage a binding obligation, He has nevertheless attributed to it such spiritual and social significance as no individual believer, under normal circumstances, can well be justified in disregarding it. In fact, in His Book of Laws (the "Kitáb-i-Aqdas") He emphatically stresses its importance, and defines its essential purpose, namely the procreation of children and their training in the Religion of God, that they may know and adore Him, and mention and praise His Name.

-The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 447, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 17 February 1940,

Marriage is not an Obligation
While marriage is enjoined in the Kitáb-i-Aqdas, Bahá'u'lláh clarifies that it is not obligatory (Q and A 46). Shoghi Effendi, in a letter written on his behalf, also declared that "marriage is by no means an obligation", and he affirmed that "in the last resort, it is for the individual to decide whether he wishes to lead a family life or live in a state of celibacy". If a person has to wait a considerable period of time before finding a spouse, or ultimately must remain single, it does not mean that the individual is thereby unable to fulfil his or her life's purpose, which is fundamentally spiritual.

-The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207)

Marriage is a Fortress for Well-Being and Salvation
And when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book. He saith, great is His glory: "Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves."

-Baha'u'llah, Baha'i Prayers, p. 103)

One Pleasing to Thee
As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere.

- `Abdu'l-Bahá: Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 118

The Concept of "Soul Mate", Marriage Should Lead to a Profound Friendship
There is no teaching in the Bahá'í Faith that "soul mates" exist. What is meant is that marriage should lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world, where there is no sex, and no giving and taking in marriage; just the way we should establish with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and friends a deep spiritual bond which will be everlasting, and not merely physical bonds of human relationship.

- The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 452, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 4 December 1954

Diversity
'Abdu'l-Bahá has written that the more distant the blood-relationship between the couple the better, since such marriages provide the basis for the physical well-being of humanity and are conducive to fellowship among mankind.

- The Universal House of Justice, note 133 in The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 222

For everything there is a sign
For every thing, however, God has created a sign and symbol, and established standards and tests by which it may be known.

- `Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 33)

Bahá'u'lláh says there is a sign (from God) in every phenomenon: the sign of the intellect is contemplation and the sign of contemplation is silence, because it is impossible for a man to do two things at one time -- he cannot both speak and meditate.

- `Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 174)

Signs, symbols, standards and tests of marriage
What are the signs, symbols, standards and tests for selecting a spouse for a happy and successful marriage? Some of them may come in unexpected ways and may not be significant by themselves, but, when put together, indicate which course of action you should follow. Some signs are very subtle and depend on culturally derived symbols. Words, gestures and actions indicate qualities that may not be evident. Sometime we are so hoping to achieve our destination, that we fail to carefully discern the signs and are led instead by our desires and passions.

The Baha'i writings give several signs, symbols, standards and tests for selecting a spouse for a happy and successful marriage. These can be explored and applied to determine if and how the signs, symbols, standards and tests of marriage are present. Below each sign will be presented and briefly discussed. No one will meet completely or perfectly any one sign, let alone all of them, but a satisfactory minimal accomplishment in each will be necessary for a successful marriage. Some of the signs may seem common sense or unnecessary, but selecting a spouse and conditions for marriage vary greatly from culture to culture.

1. Achieve the age of maturity
It is clear the consent of both parties is required, and that before maturity consent of lack thereof cannot be ascertained. Is maturity necessarily reached at age fifteen? The following quotes address this question.

"It is unlawful to become engaged to a girl before she reaches the age of maturity."

-Baha'u'llah, Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 40

92. QUESTION: In a treatise in Persian on various questions, the age of maturity hath been set at fifteen; is marriage likewise conditional upon the reaching of maturity, or is it permissible before that time?

ANSWER: Since the consent of both parties is required in the Book of God, and since, before maturity, their consent or lack of it cannot be ascertained, marriage is therefore conditional upon reaching the age of maturity, and is not permissible before that time.

- Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 133

Spiritual Functions and Obligations
Regarding the age of fifteen fixed by Bahá'u'lláh: this relates only to purely spiritual functions and obligations and is not related to the degree of administrative capacity and fitness which is a totally different thing, and is, for the present, fixed at twenty-one.

- Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Bahai Administration, p. 12)

Subject to Civil Law
IV.D.(1)(j) The age of maturity applies only to Bahá'í religious duties as yet. On other matters it is subject to the civil law of each country. The age of administrative maturity in the Bahá'í community has, for the time being, been fixed at 21.

Compilations, NSA USA - Developing Distinctive Baha'i Communities)

Growth and Maturity are in Intellect and Understanding
[There is] many a young child who is mature and grown up, and many an aged [one] who is ignorant and stupid. Growth and maturity are in intellect and understanding and not in age and duration of life.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v1, p. 180

Having reached the age of fifteen, Bahá'í youth are personally responsible for certain spiritual activities such as observing the obligation of daily prayer, keeping the Fast, and they are invited to participate in Bahá'í youth activities. The significance of the age of maturity, however, goes far beyond the fulfillment of responsibilities.

- The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 665

Advance to Maturity
Bahá'u'lláh encourages us to anticipate from the youth of His community a much earlier advance to maturity than is characteristic of the rest of society.

- The Universal House of Justice, 2001 May 24, To Believers Gathered for Terrace Events, p. 2

Children of all countries, nationalities and classes, who are fifteen years old are under this obligation [fasting]. It matters not whether they mature later in one country than in another. The command of Bahá'u'lláh is universal, irrespective of any variance in the age of maturity in different countries and among different peoples.

- Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 233

…the growth and development of all beings is gradual; this is the universal divine organization, and the natural system.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 312

Consider, for instance, a mother who has tenderly reared a son for twenty years to the age of maturity.

- 'Abdu'l-Bahá: "The Promulgation of Universal Peace," 1982 U.S. edition, p. 375

Advice of Local Spiritual Assemblies
Such matters as the age of marriage or the manner of meeting economic commitments are left to the individual to decide for himself. The friends, however, should not hesitate to seek the advice of their local Spiritual Assemblies in all such matters if they feel the need.

- From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to two believers, May 22, 1966

2. Maturity
The following extract from a Tablet of 'Abdu'l-Bahá links the attainment of maturity with the deepening of one's understanding and comprehension of the realities of life, and the enhancement of one's very capacity for understanding:

Know thou that before maturity man liveth from day to day and comprehendeth only such matters as are superficial and outwardly obvious. However, when he cometh of age he understandeth the realities of things and the inner truths. Indeed, in his comprehension, his feelings, his deductions and his discoveries, every day of his life after maturity is equal to a year before it.

- The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 665

Maturity of the Gift of Understanding
What are some of the other signs and conditions of maturity mentioned in the writings that may be relevant? The Baha'i Writings refer to several signs of maturity. The signs of maturity are related to physical, mental and spiritual development. Just as the human species has evolved until it has reached this stage of development and perfection, so to individuals go through analogous stages of development until they reach maturity.

For everything there is and will continue to be a station of perfection and maturity. The maturity of the gift of understanding is made manifest through consultation.

- Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3

Stage of Maturity and Manhood
That is to say, the embryo passes through different states and traverses numerous degrees, until it reaches the form in which it manifests the words: "Praise be to God, the best of Creators," and until the signs of reason and maturity appear.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 300)

The suckling babe passeth through various physical stages, growing and developing at every stage, until its body reacheth the age of maturity. Having arrived at this stage it acquireth the capacity to manifest spiritual and intellectual perfections. The lights of comprehension, intelligence and knowledge become perceptible in it and the powers of its soul unfold.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 285

Children, for instance, no matter how good and pure, no matter how healthy their bodies, are, nevertheless, considered imperfect because the power of intellect is not fully manifest in them. When the intellectual power fully displays its influences and they attain to the age of maturity, they are considered as perfect. Likewise, man, no matter how much he may advance in worldly affairs and make progress in material civilization, is imperfect unless he is quickened by the bounties of the Holy Spirit; for it is evident that until he receives that divine impetus he is ignorant and deprived. For this reason Jesus Christ said, "Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God." By this Christ meant that unless man is released from the material world, freed from the captivity of materialism and receiving a portion of the bounties of the spiritual world, he shall be deprived of the bestowals and favors of the Kingdom of God, and the utmost we can say of him is that he is a perfect animal.

- Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 303-304

Know thou, verily, man before reaching (spiritual) maturity passes his days and only apprehends trivial things which are clear on account of their exoteric indications, but when he attains full development, then he grasps the reality of things and their esoteric facts. Every day after maturity is equivalent to one year before it, on account of man's perception, understanding, apprehension and discoveries.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v1, p. 165)

…realizing that with maturity will come the capacity to handle situations better and with more sound judgement.

- Unlocking the Power of Action, [31], 23 October 1949, written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer

Humanity is now experiencing the commotions invariably associated with the most turbulent stage of its evolution, the stage of adolescence, when the impetuosity of youth and its vehemence reach their climax, and must gradually be superseded by the calmness, the wisdom, and the maturity that characterize the stage of manhood.

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 184

Maturity of the World of Humanity
That mystic, all-pervasive, yet indefinable change, which we associate with the stage of maturity inevitable in the life of the individual and the development of the fruit must, if we would correctly apprehend the utterances of Bahá'u'lláh, have its counterpart in the evolution of the organization of human society.

- Shoghi Effendi, The World Order of Baha'u'llah, p. 163-164

Just as the individual human organism, having attained the period of maturity, reaches its fullest degree of physical strength and ripened intellectual faculties so that in one year of this ripened period there is witnessed an unprecedented measure of development, likewise the world of humanity in this cycle of its completeness and consummation will realize an immeasurable upward progress, and that power of accomplishment whereof each individual human reality is the depository of God -- that outworking Universal Spirit -- like the intellectual faculty, will reveal itself in infinite degrees of perfection.

- Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 37

The world of humanity cannot advance through mere physical powers and intellectual attainments; nay, rather, the Holy Spirit is essential. The divine Father must assist the human world to attain maturity. The body of man is in need of physical and mental energy but his spirit requires the life and fortification of the Holy Spirit. Without its protection and quickening the human world would be extinguished. His Holiness Jesus Christ declared, "Let the dead bury their dead." He also said, "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit is spirit." It is evident therefore according to His Holiness that the human spirit which is not fortified by the presence of the Holy Spirit is dead and in need of resurrection by that divine power; otherwise though materially advanced to high degrees man cannot attain full and complete progress.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 241-242

Present world chaos, exhibiting the impetuosity, follies, rebelliousness characteristic of humanity's adolescent stage of development, and harbinger of the long-promised Golden Age of the maturity of the human race, is relentlessly spreading and distressingly intensified.

- Shoghi Effendi, Messages to America, p. 43

Leading the Life
The principles, administration and fundamentals of the Faith are well known, but the friends need greatly to study the more profound works, which would give them spiritual maturity to a greater degree, unify their Community life, and enable them to better exemplify the Bahá'í way of living; in other words to "lead the life".

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 227

For, it is by contributing to the common good that an individual acquires true spiritual maturity.

- Baha'i International Community, 1998 Feb 18, Valuing Spirituality in Development

Comparison with All Created Things
All created things have their degree, or stage, of maturity. The period of maturity in the life of a tree is the time of its fruit bearing. The maturity of a plant is the time of its blossoming and flower. The animal attains a stage of full growth and completeness, and in the human kingdom man reaches his maturity when the lights of intelligence have their greatest power and development. From the beginning to the end of his life man passes through certain periods, or stages, each of which is marked by certain conditions peculiar to itself. For instance, during the period of childhood his conditions and requirements are characteristic of that degree of intelligence and capacity. After a time he enters the period of youth, in which his former conditions and needs are superseded by new requirements applicable to the advance in his degree. His faculties of observation are broadened and deepened; his intelligent capacities are trained and awakened; the limitations and environment of childhood no longer restrict his energies and accomplishments. At last he passes out of the period of youth and enters the stage, or station, of maturity, which necessitates another transformation and corresponding advance in his sphere of life activity. New powers and perceptions clothe him, teaching and training commensurate with his progression occupy his mind, special bounties and bestowals descend in proportion to his increased capacities, and his former period of youth and its conditions will no longer satisfy his matured view and vision.

- Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 438)

3. Knowing your own self
This is the foundation of any fruitful relationship. Without self-knowledge, you will not be able to accurately determine if the signs are present in yourself or your relationship.

Recognize that which Leadeth unto Loftiness or Lowliness
The first Taraz and the first effulgence which hath dawned from the horizon of the Mother Book is that man should know his own self and recognize that which leadeth unto loftiness or lowliness, glory or abasement, wealth or poverty. Having attained the stage of fulfilment and reached his maturity, man standeth in need of wealth, and such wealth as he acquireth through crafts or professions is commendable and praiseworthy in the estimation of men of wisdom, and especially in the eyes of servants who dedicate themselves to the education of the world and to the edification of its peoples.

- Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 34-35

Responsible Only for Own Life
You are urged to persevere in your studies, in your prayers for resolution of your problems, and in your meditation which may provide guidance and confidence, inasmuch as the understanding of self and of relationships to others are contained in the Writings and in the example of the Master, 'Abdu'l-Bahá.

Neither you nor your husband should hesitate to continue consulting professional marriage counsellors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counselling which can come from wise and mature friends. Non-Bahá'í counselling can be useful but it is usually necessary to temper it with Bahá'í insight.

You ask how to deal with anger. The House of Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and to endeavour to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful. Such passages as the following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will be helpful:

There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation .... You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Bahá'u'lláh to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else. Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being "perfect as our heavenly father is perfect" and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy ....

- UHJ, 17 July 1979, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 454

Gain a victory over your own self
Arise, O people, and, by the power of God's might, resolve to gain the victory over your own selves, that haply the whole earth may be freed and sanctified from its servitude to the gods of its idle fancies - gods that have inflicted such loss upon, and are responsible for the misery of, their wretched worshippers. These idols form the obstacle that impedeth man in his efforts to advance in the path of perfection.

- Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh", sec. 43, p. 93

Moderation
Whatsoever passeth beyond the limits of moderation will cease to exert a beneficial influence. Consider for instance such things as liberty, civilization and the like. However much men of understanding may favourably regard them, they will, if carried to excess, exercise a pernicious influence upon men.

- Tablets of Bahá'u'lláh Revealed after the Kitáb-i-Aqdas" [rev. ed.], (Haifa: Bahá'í World Centre, 1982), p. 169

Virtues that Befit Man's Dignity
All men have been created to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization. The Almighty beareth Me witness: To act like the beasts of the field is unworthy of man. Those virtues that befit his dignity are forbearance, mercy, compassion and loving-kindness towards all the peoples and kindreds of the earth.

- Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 215

Struggle for Existence
This matter of the struggle for existence is the fountain-head of all calamities and is the supreme affliction.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Tablet to the Hague, p. 7

4. Chastity
There is no need to dwell at length on the implications of spotless chastity and the integrity of the sacred marital bond set forth in our teachings, as these have been clearly outlined and amply elaborated in our scriptures and in the writings of our beloved Guardian. Such matters as the age of marriage or the manner of meeting economic commitments are left to the individual to decide for himself. The friends, however, should not hesitate to seek the advice of their local Spiritual Assemblies in all such matters if they feel the need. As the suffering and unrest afflicting humanity increase, and moral restraints are one by one abolished, the Bahá'ís must learn to obtain, through study and prayer, a clearer vision of their mission, earnestly seek to purge their lives of the influences of laity and promiscuity characterizing modern society, and insure that the fair name and integrity of the Faith they serve and love so dearly remain unstained and unsullied.

- From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to two believers, May 22, 1966)

Profound and Enduring Friendships
Concerning the positive aspects of chastity the Universal House of Justice states that the Bahá'í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse and holds that the institution of marriage has been established as the channel of its rightful expression. Bahá'ís do not believe that the sex impulse should be suppressed but that it should be regulated and controlled.

Chastity in no way implies withdrawal from human relationships. It liberates people from the tyranny of the ubiquity of sex. A person who is in control of his sexual impulses is enabled to have profound and enduring friendships with many people, both men and women, without ever sullying that unique and priceless bond that should unite man and wife.

- From a letter dated 8 May 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer)

Induce Stabler Marriages
The Bahá'í standard is very high, more particularly when compared with the thoroughly rotten morals of the present world. But this standard of ours will produce healthier, happier, nobler people, and induce stabler marriages....

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 49, From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer

Free from Difficulties
As to chastity, this is one of the most challenging concepts to get across in this very permissive age, but Bahá'ís must make the utmost effort to uphold Bahá'í standards, no matter how difficult they may seem at first. Such efforts will be made easier if the youth will understand that the laws and standards of the Faith are meant to free them from untold spiritual and moral difficulties in the same way that a proper appreciation of the laws of nature enables one to live in harmony with the forces of the planet.

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 47-48, From a letter dated 14 January 1985 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer

Purpose of this Life
In considering the effect of obedience to the laws on individual lives, one must remember that the purpose of this life is to prepare the soul for the next. Here one must learn to control and direct one's animal impulses, not to be a slave to them. Life in this world is a succession of tests and achievements, of falling short and of making new spiritual advances. Sometimes the course may seem very hard, but one can witness, again and again, that the soul who steadfastly obeys the Law of Bahá'u'lláh, however hard it may seem, grows spiritually, while the one who compromises with the law for the sake of his own apparent happiness is seen to have been following a chimera: he does not attain the happiness he sought, he retards his spiritual advance and often brings new problems upon himself."

- From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, excerpts from letter to all National Spiritual Assemblies, February 6, 1973

Kissing Detrimental to Morals
"What Bahá'u'lláh means by chastity certainly does not include the kissing that goes on in modern society. It is detrimental to the morals of young people, and often leads them to go too far, or arouses appetites which they cannot perhaps at the time satisfy legitimately through marriage, and the suppression of which is a strain on them.

-from a letter dated October 19, 1947 from a letter written on behalf of SE to an individual believer (http://bahai-library.org/guardian/easy.familiarity.html)

Over-Exaggeration of the Importance of Physical Love
The world today is submerged, amongst other things, in an over-exaggeration of the importance of physical love, and a dearth of spiritual values. In as far as possible the believers should try to realize this and rise above the level of their fellow-men who are, typical of all decadent periods in history, placing so much over-emphasis on the purely physical side of mating. Outside of their normal, legitimate married life they should seek to establish bonds of comradeship and love which are eternal and founded on the spiritual life of man, not on his physical life. This is one of the many fields in which it is incumbent on the Bahá'ís to set the example and lead the way to a true human standard of life, when the soul of man is exalted and his body but the tool for his enlightened spirit. Needless to say this does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage.

- From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 28, 1941: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, pp. 108-109

What Chastity Implies
The question you raise as to the place in one's life that a deep bond of love with someone we meet other than our husband or wife can have is easily defined in view of the teachings. Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed.

- From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 28, 1941: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, pp. 108-109

Lay Foundation of Future Married Happiness
We have received your letter of 19 June 1973 and can sympathize with the problems that Bahá'í youth face when trying to live up to the Bahá'í standards of behavior. It is, perhaps, natural that in the bewildering amoral environment in which Bahá'í youth are growing up they feel the need for specific instructions on which intimacies are permissible and which are not. However, we feel it would be most unwise for any Bahá'í institution to issue detailed instructions about this.

The Bahá'í youth should study the teachings on chastity and, with these in mind, should avoid any behaviour which would arouse passions which would tempt them to violate them. In deciding what acts are permissible to them in the light of these considerations the youth must use their own judgement, following the guidance of their consciences and the advice of their parents.

If Bahá'í youth combine such personal purity with an attitude of uncensorious forbearance towards others they will find that those who may have criticized or even mocked them will come, in time, to respect them. They will, moreover, be laying a firm foundation for future married happiness.

- From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to a Local Spiritual Assembly, July 9, 1973)

Self-Control and Early Marriage
Concerning your question whether there are any legitimate forms of expression of the sex instinct outside of marriage; according to the Bahá'í Teachings no sexual act can be considered lawful unless performed between lawfully married persons. Outside of marital life there can be no lawful or healthy use of the sex impulse. The Bahá'í youth should, on the one hand, be taught the lesson of self-control which, when exercised, undoubtedly has a salutary effect on the development of character and of personality in general, and on the other should be advised, nay even encouraged, to contract marriage while still young and in full possession of their physical vigour. Economic factors, no doubt, are often a serious hindrance to early marriage but in most cases are only an excuse, and as such should not be over stressed.

- From a letter written on behalf of the Guardian to an individual believer, December 13, 1940: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, p. 109

4. Consent of parents
It hath been laid down in the Bayan that marriage is dependent upon the consent of both parties. Desiring to establish love, unity and harmony amidst Our servants, We have conditioned it, once the couple's wish is known, upon the permission of their parents, lest enmity and rancour should arise amongst them. And in this We have yet other purposes. Thus hath Our commandment been ordained.

- Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 42

In a letter written on his behalf, Shoghi Effendi has commented on this provision of the law:

Bahá'u'lláh has clearly stated the consent of all living parents is required for a Bahá'í marriage. This applies whether the parents are Bahá'ís or non-Bahá'ís, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of the children for those who have given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their Creator.

- The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207

Marriage is conditioned on the consent of both parties and their parents, whether the woman be a maiden or not.

- Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 149

Freedom of Parents is Unrestricted and Unconditioned
The validity of a Bahá'í marriage is dependent upon the free and full consent of all four parents. The freedom of the parents in the exercise of this right is unrestricted and unconditioned. They may refuse their consent on any ground, and they are responsible for their decision to God alone.

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 444, on behalf of SE, 19 March 1938

Before Making the Choice
As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere.

- Abdu'l-Bahá: Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 118

Oral Consent
In the Bahá'í Faith it is the right of each individual to choose without duress his future partner in marriage and the freedom of the parents in exercising their right to give or refuse consent is unconditional. While it is desirable to have a signed consent from each parent it is not a requirement under Bahá'í Law. The responsible Spiritual Assembly must satisfy itself that consent is freely given but it should not insist upon a signed document. Reliable evidence of oral consents is quite sufficient; some parents freely give their consents orally while refusing to write their consents.

- From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to the National Spiritual Assembly of Guyana, April, 11, 1978)

Letter of Consent
Basically, Bahá'í Law pertaining to marriage requires that the parties intending to marry must obtain consent of all living natural parents. Further, the responsibility of the parents in giving their consent is unrestricted and unconditioned, but in discharging this duty they are responsible for their decision to God. Should the parents in their letter of consent, as you indicated, not name a specific future spouse, the House of Justice states that it could be accepted and it would be permissible to perform a Bahá'í marriage ceremony on the basis of such a letter.

- From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, October 9, 1975)

Deliberation and Patience
But, concerning thy marriage with the maid-servant of God,. . ., do not be in a hurry. Deliberation and patience are necessary until her mother giveth her consent and thy father and mother also acquiesce. This is the divine commandment! Take thou hold of it with a true firmness. Verily this is better for thee under all circumstances! Verily thy Lord is gracious to His servants and He facilitates ere long every straight cause. But thou must submit to and rely upon God under all conditions and He will bestow upon thee that which is conducive to thy well-being. Verily He is merciful and compassionate! For how many an affair was involved in difficulty and then was straightened, and how many a problem was solved by the permission of God.

Be thou not grieved, neither be thou sad. Finish thy studies in sciences and then turn thy face unto God, asking from Him help and protection under all conditions.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 455

Consult in All Things
In all things it is necessary to consult. This matter should be forcibly stressed by thee, so that consultation may be observed by all. The intent of what hath been revealed from the Pen of the Most High is that consultation may be fully carried out among the friends, inasmuch as it is and will always be a cause of awareness and of awakening and a source of good and well-being.

- Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3

This is the age in which mankind must attain maturity, and one aspect of this is the assumption by individuals of the responsibility for deciding, with the assistance of consultation, their own course of action in areas which are left open by the law of God.

- The Universal House of Justice, 1988 Jun 05, Detailed Legislation on Moral Issues

Greater Awareness
Consultation bestoweth greater awareness and transmuteth conjecture into certitude. It is a shining light which, in a dark world, leadeth the way and guideth. For everything there is and will continue to be a station of perfection and maturity. The maturity of the gift of understanding is made manifest through consultation.

- Bahá'u'lláh, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3

Insight
Consultation giveth him insight into things and enableth him to delve into questions which are unknown.

- 'Abdu'l-Bahá, in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 8

Successful Consultation
The second principle is that of detachment in consultation. The members of an Assembly must learn to express their views frankly, calmly, without passion or rancour. They must also learn to listen to the opinions of their fellow members without taking offense or belittling the views if another. Bahá'í consultation is not an easy process. It requires love, kindliness, moral courage and humility. Thus no member should ever allow himself to be prevented from expressing frankly his view because it may offend a fellow member; and, realizing this, no member should take offense at another member's statements.

- Lights of Guidance, p. 179-180, From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to the National Spiritual Assembly if Italy, August 26, 1965

The qualities by which the individual can achieve the personal discipline necessary to successful consultation find their full expression in what Shoghi Effendi regarded as the "spirit of a true Bahá'í". Ponder, for instance, the appealing remark addressed to your own community in one of his earliest letters: "Nothing short of the spirit of a true Bahá'í can hope to reconcile the principles of mercy and justice, of freedom and submission, of the sanctity of the right of the individual and of self-surrender, of vigilance, discretion and prudence on the one hand, and fellowship, candour, and courage on the other." This was an appeal to the maturity and the distinction towards which he repeatedly directed their thoughts.

- The Universal House of Justice, 1988 Dec 29, Individual Rights and Freedoms, p. 8)

Faith is Intended to Strengthen the Family
The relationship between husband and wife must be viewed in the context of the Bahá'í ideal of family life. Bahá'u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, one must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it, and one of the keys to the strengthening of unity is loving consultation. The atmosphere within a Bahá'í family as within the community as a whole should express "the keynote of the Cause of God" which, the beloved Guardian has stated, "is not dictatorial authority, but humble fellowship, not arbitrary power, but the spirit of frank and loving consultation."

- The Universal House of Justice, 1980 Dec 28, The Relationship Between Husband and Wife In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá'u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.

Bahá'u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives....

- on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, 1 August 1978, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453

Tendency of Children to be Too Independent
The Guardian, in his remarks ... about parents' and children's, wives' and husbands' relations in America, meant that there is a tendency in that country for children to be too independent of the wishes of their parents and lacking in the respect due to them. Also wives, in some cases, have a tendency to exert an unjust degree of domination over their husbands, which, of course, is not right, any more than that the husband should unjustly dominate his wife.

- on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 22 July 1943, Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 404

Systematic Subordination
The systematic subordination of women is starkly evident in each of the following areas: (1) education; (2) violence and abuse at home and in society; (3) discrimination in income-producing opportunities; (4) family decision-making; (5) inequality in, or exclusion from, economic and political power structures; (6) male control of (and unaccountable use of) family income; and (7) sole, socially unsupported female responsibility for child-rearing. The subordination of women in each of these arenas is the result of an almost inextricable combination of laws, attitudes, institutional arrangements and procedures, economic structures, and legal silences. In each of these areas, the oppressive system and structures are undermined by explicit Bahá'í laws and social principles which address the pervasive inequality which is stubbornly surviving even formidable legal reforms. Bahá'í laws and principles go beyond the notion of equal opportunity to create societies which systematically and institutionally value both motherhood and the participation of women in public affairs, societies which embody and express both the feminine "ethic of care" and the masculine "ethic of rights," [14] which strive both to preserve relationships and to promote justice.

- Baha'i International Community, 1995 Aug 26, Creating Legal Institutional Structures for Gender Equality

Principle of the Equality of the Sexes
To any objective observer the principle of the equality of the sexes is fundamental to all realistic thinking about the future well-being of the earth and its people. It represents a truth about human nature that has waited largely unrecognized throughout the long ages of the race's childhood and adolescence. "Women and men," is Bahá'u'lláh's emphatic assertion, "have been and will always be equal in the sight of God." The rational soul has no sex, and whatever social inequities may have been dictated by the survival requirements of the past, they clearly cannot be justified at a time when humanity stands at the threshold of maturity. A commitment to the establishment of full equality between men and women, in all departments of life and at every level of society, will be central to the success of efforts to conceive and implement a strategy of global development.

- Baha'i International Community, 1995 Mar 03, The Prosperity of Humankind

Inequalities Regarded as Negligible
The House of Justice suggests that all statements in the Holy Writings concerning specific areas of the relationship between men and women should be considered in the light of the general principle of equality between the sexes that has been authoritatively and repeatedly enunciated in the Sacred Texts. In one of His Tablets 'Abdu'l-Bahá asserts: "In this divine age the bounties of God have encompassed the world of women. Equality of men and women, except in some negligible instances, has been fully and categorically announced. Distinctions have been utterly removed." That men and women differ from one another in certain characteristics and functions is an inescapable fact of nature; the important thing is that 'Abdu'l-Bahá regards such inequalities as remain as being "negligible."

- The Universal House of Justice, 1980 Dec 28, The Relationship Between Husband and Wife)

Acquainted with Character
Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity....

The true marriage of Bahá'ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118

Spiritual and Physical Partner
In this most Merciful Age the ignorant prejudices are entirely removed, therefore the marriage of Miss. . . to Mr. .. is permissible; but Miss. . . must exert herself day and night so that, like the favored maid-servant of God, Mrs. .. she may guide her husband. She must not rest until she makes him her spiritual as well as physical partner in life. But the Bahai engagement is the perfect communication and the entire consent of both parties. However, they must show forth the utmost attention and become informed of one another's character and the firm covenant made between each other must become an eternal binding, and their intentions must be everlasting affinity, friendship, unity and life. The bridegroom must, before the bridesman and a few others, say: "Verily, we are content with the will of god." And the bride must rejoin: "Verily, we are satisfied with the desire of God." This is Bahai matrimony.

- Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 325)

The Baha'i Standard
The Bahá'í standard is very high, more particularly when compared with the thoroughly rotten morals of the present world. But this standard of ours will produce healthier, happier, nobler people, and induce stabler marriages....

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 49, From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer

Chaste and Holy Life
Such a chaste and holy life, with its implications of modesty, purity, temperance, decency, and clean-mindedness, involves no less than the exercise of moderation in all that pertains to dress, language, amusements, and all artistic and literary avocations. It demands daily vigilance in the control of one's carnal desires and corrupt inclinations. It calls for the abandonment of a frivolous conduct, with its excessive attachment to trivial and often misdirected pleasures. It requires total abstinence from all alcoholic drinks, from opium, and from similar habit-forming drugs. It condemns the prostitution of art and of literature, the practices of nudism and of companionate marriage, infidelity in marital relationships, and all manner of promiscuity, of easy familiarity, and of sexual vices. It can tolerate no compromise with the theories, the standards, the habits, and the excesses of a decadent age. Nay rather it seeks to demonstrate, through the dynamic force of its example, the pernicious character of such theories, the falsity of such standards, the hollowness of such claims, the perversity of such habits, and the sacrilegious character of such excesses.

- Shoghi Effendi, "The Advent of Divine Justice", p. 30

Trustworthiness
[I]n the sight of God, trustworthiness is the bedrock of His Faith and the foundation of all virtues and perfections. A man deprived of this quality is destitute of everything. What shall faith and piety avail if trustworthiness be lacking? Of what consequence can they be? What benefit or advantage can they confer?

- Bahá'í Publications Australia, 1991, page 340, 'Abdu'l-Bahá, "Trustworthiness," The Compilation of Compilations, Volume II

Of the manifold virtues in Bahá'í Scriptures which the individual is exhorted to cultivate, trustworthiness is of the first rank. Bahá'u'lláh states that the tranquility and security of the world, the stability of every affair -- of every human transaction, of every contract negotiated, of every endeavor promulgated -- depend on it. Whether in the home, at work, in the community or in business or political affairs, trustworthiness is at the heart of all constructive interaction and engagement. It is key to the maintenance of unity between diverse peoples and nations. Therefore, every development effort must include as a prime objective the inculcation of trustworthiness in the individuals, communities and institutions involved.

- Baha'i International Community, 1998 Feb 18, Valuing Spirituality in Development

Patience
I wish to assure you, in particular, of his supplications for your guidance in connection with your proposed plan to unite in marriage with Dr.. May the Beloved help you in forming the right decision, and spare you the anxiety and suffering which too hasty action in such matters inevitably produces. You should give this question, which is of such vital concern to your future, the full consideration it deserves, and examine all its aspects carefully and dispassionately. The final decision rests with you and Dr.....

- on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 17 January 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446

Service
As to the terminology I used in my letter, bidding thee to consecrate thyself to service in the Cause of God, the meaning of it is this: limit thy thoughts to teaching the Faith. Act by day and night according to the teachings and counsels and admonitions of Bahá'u'lláh. This doth not preclude marriage. Thou canst take unto thyself a husband and at the same time serve the Cause of God; the one doth not preclude the other. Know thou the value of these days; let not this chance escape thee. Beg thou God to make thee a lighted candle, so that thou mayest guide a great multitude through this darksome world. 101

(Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 100)

The Guardian will pray for the solution of your problems. He will pray for the healing of your son, and for the happiness and unity of your family. The true basis of unity is service, and he hopes all the members will arise with renewed effort to teach the Faith. (on behalf of SE, 6 September 1956, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 452)

Spiritual and physical bond
Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed.

The world today is submerged, amongst other things, in an over-exaggeration of the importance of physical love, and a dearth of spiritual values. In as far as possible the believers should try to realize this and rise above the level of their fellow-men who are, typical of all decadent periods in history, placing so much over-emphasis on the purely physical side of mating. Outside of their normal, legitimate married life they should seek to establish bonds of comradeship and love which are eternal and founded on the spiritual life of man, not on his physical life. This is one of the many fields in which it is incumbent on the Bahá'ís to set the example and lead the way to a true human standard of life, when the soul of man is exalted and his body but the tool for his enlightened spirit. Needless to say this does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage. (From a letter dated 28 September 1941 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 56)

And above all other unions is that between human beings, especially when it cometh to pass in the love of God. Thus is the primal oneness made to appear; thus is laid the foundation of love in the spirit.... ("Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá", p. 119) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 388)

For the Bahá'í Teachings do not only preclude the possibility of bigamy, but also, while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehensible act, which should be resorted to only in exceptional circumstances, and when grave issues are involved, transcending such considerations as physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony. The institution of marriage, as established by Bahá'u'lláh, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted by God.

The Guardian will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such a divine standard, and strengthened by Bahá'u'lláh's unfailing assistance and confirmations, you may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned, and thus reach the one right solution to this assuredly challenging problem of your life. (On behalf SE, 8 May 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446)

Bahá'u'lláh has urged marriage upon all people as the natural and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong emphasis on its spiritual nature, which, while in no way precluding a normal physical life, is the most essential aspect of marriage. That two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater importance than that they should be consumed with passion for each other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to lean in time of need; the other a purely temporary thing which may at any time die out. (on behalf of SE, 20 January 1943) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 404)

Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one and eternity ....

The true marriage of Bahá'ís is this, united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage. ("Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá", sec. 86, p. 11) (Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 442)

Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.

Among the people of Baha, however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.

When, therefore, the people of Baha undertake to marry, the union must be a true relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God.

In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever. Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip from themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness, and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 117-118)

Children: the sacred and primary purpose of marriage

(Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 237)

O ye my two beloved children! The news of your union, as soon as it reached me, imparted infinite joy and gratitude. Praise be to God, those two faithful birds have sought shelter in one nest. I beseech God that He may enable them to raise an honoured family, for the importance of marriage lieth in the bringing up of a richly blessed family, so that with entire gladness they may, even as candles, illuminate the world. For the enlightenment of the world dependeth upon the existence of man. If man did not exist in this world, it would have been like a tree without fruit. My hope is that you both may become even as one tree, and may, through the outpourings of the cloud of loving-kindness, acquire freshness and charm, and may blossom and yield fruit, so that your line may eternally endure. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 120)

The Bahá'í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially-conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race -- which is the very flower of the entire creation -- and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God. (SE behalf, 15 April 1939, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 446)

Companionship, helpmates, intimacy, concern

O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.

Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds. (Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 122)

"Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life." ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Baha'i Prayers, p. 103)

However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families.... (UHJ, 24 June 1979, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 383)

Dowry
No marriage may be contracted without payment of a dowry, which hath been fixed for city-dwellers at nineteen mithqals of pure gold, and for village-dwellers at the same amount in silver. Whoso wisheth to increase this sum, it is forbidden him to exceed the limit of ninety-five mithqals. Thus hath the command been writ in majesty and power. If he content himself, however, with a payment of the lowest level, it shall be better for him according to the Book. God, verily, enricheth whomsoever He willeth through both heavenly and earthly means, and He, in truth, hath power over all things. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 42)

93. No marriage may be contracted without payment of a dowry # 66

The Synopsis and Codification, section IV.C.1.j.i.-v., summarizes the main provisions concerning the dowry. These provisions have their antecedents in the Bayan. 208

The dowry is to be paid by the bridegroom to the bride. It is fixed at 19 mithqals of pure gold for city-dwellers, and 19 mithqals of silver for village-dwellers (see note 94). Bahá'u'lláh indicates that, if, at the time of the wedding, the bridegroom is unable to pay the dowry in full, it is permissible for him to issue a promissory note to the bride (Q and A 39). With the Revelation of Bahá'u'lláh many familiar concepts, customs and institutions are redefined and take on new meaning. One of these is the dowry. The institution of dowry is a very ancient practice in many cultures and takes many forms. In some countries it is a payment made by the parents of the bride to the bridegroom; in others it is a payment made by the bridegroom to the parents of the bride, called a "bride-price". In both such cases the amount is often quite considerable. The law of Bahá'u'lláh abolishes all such variants and converts the dowry into a symbolic act whereby the bridegroom presents a gift of a certain limited value to the bride. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 207-208)

The Marriage Vow
The willingness of each party to abide by the will of God is a good indicator of the success of the marriage.

"We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God."

- Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 105

Divorce to be Avoided if Humanly Possible
The Bahá'í attitude is that marriage is a very serious and sacred relationship and divorce a last resort to be avoided if humanly possible.

- The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 448, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 10 August 1945

Marriage is a Most Sacred Responsibility
As Bahá'u'lláh was so very much against divorce (even though He permits it) and considered marriage a most sacred responsibility, believers should do everything in their power to preserve the marriages they have contracted, and to make of them exemplary unions, governed by the noblest motives.

- The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 448, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 19 October 1947

The Guardian has long felt that the American Bahá'ís are not, in some cases, living up to the ideal of marriage set forth by Bahá'u'lláh. They are prone to being influenced by the current light and selfish attitude of the people towards the marriage bond. Consequently when he sees you are successfully living up to the Bahá'í standard, putting your best into it and preserving this sacred tie you have with your husband, he is very happy indeed. He hopes you will be in a position to be an example to others. For he disapproves of the way some Bahá'ís, in the name of serving the Cause, disencumber themselves of their husbands, or go and get new ones!

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 407, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 2 April 1950

Marriage is a Very Sacred Institution
The Guardian, in view of the fact that your husband does not really wish to be separated from you, but on the contrary is desirous of keeping your marriage together, feels that you, as a Bahá'í, have no right to destroy it because of your desire to serve the Faith.

Marriage is a very sacred institution. Bahá'u'lláh said its purpose is to promote unity. If the friends neglect, for the sake of the Cause, this institution, they place the Faith in a poor light before the public. In these days the people of the world are so immoral, and treat the marriage institution so lightly; and we, as Bahá'ís, in contrast to the people of the world, are trying to create a high moral standard, an reinstate the sanctity of marriage.

If your husband will allow you to do a certain amount of teaching work, and occasionally to travel in the interests of the Faith, all the better; but he does not think the Faith should be made the thing which destroys your family life.

- Compilations, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 409, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 June 1954

Combat Trend of Divorce Assiduously
Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only under rare and urgent circumstances be resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage, and the believers must combat this trend assiduously.

- The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 450, on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 January 1948

Requirements to Make Marriage an Eternal Bond of Unity
Bahá'ís should be profoundly aware of the sanctity of marriage and should strive to make their marriages an eternal bond of unity and harmony. This requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation. A Bahá'í should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner. This is a standard held up to the individual. It is not a law, but an exhortation. It is a goal to which we should strive.

- Universal House of Justice, 3 November 1982, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 456

Marriage More Difficult
In reply to a question, He (AB) said "It is not that divorce should be more easy, but that marriages should be more difficult."

- Lady Blomfield, The Chosen Highway, p. 213)

Children from divorced home
Divorce under such circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and feelings but also concerns the children's entire future and their own attitude towards marriage. (pn behalf of SE, 19 December 1947, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 450)

Resources and References
An edited and abbreviated transcript of an excellent talk given by Dr. Danesh on "Marriage and Sexuality" on 13 April 1991 in Springfield, Virginia, USA, in the home of Mr. & Mrs. Augusto López-Claros. http://bahai-library.org/talks/marriage.sexuality.html

Wikipedia entry on Bahai marriage http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1%27%C3%AD_marriage

Marriage Laws in the Kitab-i-Aqdas
Those laws given in the Kitab-i-Aqdas serve as signs, standards and tests for the welfare of the world and the security and happiness of it people. The synopsis and codification of the laws on marrigage in the Aqdas are given below for consideration. Much of the guidance given in the Baha'i writings are based on these laws. Some of the laws in the Kitab-i-Aqdas, for example, i and j below, are not applicable to all the believers at present.

1. Marriage:

a. Marriage is highly recommended but not obligatory.

b. Plurality of wives is forbidden.

c. Marriage is conditioned upon both parties having attained the age of maturity which is fixed at 15.

d. Marriage is conditioned on the consent of both parties and their parents, whether the woman be a maiden or not.

e. It is incumbent upon both parties to recite a specifically revealed verse indicating their being content with the will of God.

f. Marriage with one's stepmother is forbidden.

g. All matters related to marriage with one's kindred are to be referred to the House of Justice.

h. Marriage with unbelievers is permitted.

i. Betrothal:

i. The period of engagement must not exceed 95 days.

ii. It is unlawful to become engaged to a girl before she reaches the age of maturity.

j. The Dowry:

i. Marriage is conditioned on payment of a dowry.

ii. The dowry is fixed at 19 mithqals of pure gold for city-dwellers, and 19 mithqals of silver for village-dwellers, depending on the permanent residence of the husband, and not of the wife.

iii. It is forbidden to pay more than 95 mithqals.

iv. It is preferable that a man content himself with the payment of 19 mithqals of silver.

v. If the full payment of dowry is not possible the issue of a promissory note is permissible. (KA, 149-151)

A Bahá'í Wedding Conducted by 'Abdu'l-Bahá in London
QUITE an oriental note was struck toward the end of 'Abdu'l-Bahá's London visit, by the marriage of a young Persian couple who had sought his presence for the ceremony, the bride journeying from Baghdad accompanied by her uncle in order to meet her fiance here and be married before 'Abdu'l-Bahá's departure. The bride's father and grandfather had been followers of Bahá'u'lláh during the time of his banishment.

We hesitate to alter the bridegroom's description of the service and therefore print it in his own simple and beautiful language. It will serve to show a side not touched on elsewhere, and without which no idea of his visit is complete. We refer to the attitude of reverence with which people from the East who came to see 'Abdu'l-Bahá regard their great teacher. They invariably rise and stand with bowed heads whenever he enters the room.

Mirza Dawud writes: --

On Sunday morning, the 1st of October, 1911, A.D., equal to the 9th Tishi 5972 (Hebrew Era), Regina Nur Mahal Khanum, and Mirza Yuhanna Dawud were admitted into the holy presence of 'Abdu'l-Bahá: may my life be a sacrifice to Him!

After receiving us, 'Abdu'l-Bahá said, "You are very welcome and it makes me happy to see you here in London." 78

Looking at me he said, "Never have I united anyone in marriage before, except my own daughters, but as I love you much, and you have rendered a great service to the Kingdom of Abha, both in this country and in other lands, I will perform your marriage ceremony today. It is my hope that you may both continue in the blessed path of service."

Then, first, 'Abdu'l-Bahá took Nur Mahal Khanum into the next room and said to her, "Do you love Mirza Yuhanna Dawud with all your heart and soul?" She answered, "Yes, I do."

Then 'Abdu'l-Bahá called me to him and put a similar question, that is to say, "Do you love Nur Mahal Khanum with all your heart and soul?" I answered "Yes, I do." We re-entered the room together and 'Abdu'l-Bahá took the right hand of the bride and gave it into that of the bridegroom and asked us to say after him, "We do all to please God."

We all sat down and 'Abdu'l-Bahá continued; "Marriage is a holy institution and much encouraged in this blessed cause. Now you two are no longer two, but one. Bahá'u'lláh's wish is that all men be of one mind and consider themselves of one great household, that the mind of mankind be not divided against itself.

"It is my wish and hope that you may be blessed in your life. May God help you to render great service to the kingdom of Abha and may you become a means of its advancement.

"May joy be increased to you as the years go by, and may you become thriving trees bearing delicious and fragrant fruits which are the blessings in the path of service."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 78-79)

The friends of God must so live and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife should not be purely physical, nay rather it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!

"In short, the foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and wife. If one of these two become the cause of divorce, that one will 392  unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities and experience deep remorse."

('Abdu'l-Bahá: Extracts from the Bahá'í Teachings Discouraging Divorce: A Compilation prepared by the Research Department of the Universal House of Justice, January 1980)

(Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 391)


text:
Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Character

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
What are your goals in life?

What is your purpose and mission in life?

What are the values and principles by which you live?

How do you live your life?

What do you believe about reality, human nature and relationships, especially marriage and family?

How do you resolve conflicts and deal with difficulties?

Are your views of what are truth, beauty and good similar?

How much do you wish to and are willing to accommodate or adjust to your spouse’s views and character?

Do you bring out the best in one another and will your marriage assist you each fully develop your good qualities?

Introduction
Character is the most important individual variable for determining if your union will be successful. Character is who we are. It is our nature, individuality, personality, disposition, temperament, spirit, quality, make up and moral fiber. There are two aspects of our characters: our individuality or basic natures that are given us at birth and develop over time, and our personalities that are acquired characteristics resulting primarily from our environment. Our individuality and personality are formed through interaction with our environment. Though our basic innate natures do not change, our development and refinement of them expresses itself in different ways culturally and can unfold throughout our lifetimes. It is important to find a character that is compatible with yours. Compatibility is related to likeness, but like male and female, some differences are needed and make healthy combinations, much like genetic diversity can lead to richer and stronger creations.

Campbell and Bond (1982) suggest the following factors, from most influential to least, as major factors in character: heredity, early childhood experience, modeling by important adults and older youth, peer influence, the general physical and social environment, the communications media, what is taught in the schools and other institutions, and specific situations and roles that elicit corresponding behavior. Parents play a vital role in the development of their children’s characters. The character children develop in their early years will have an effect on them for the rest of their lives. Signs of our character are manifested in early childhood and are well formed by puberty. After puberty the character can be refined and reformed, but with much effort and generally only through the will of the individuals themselves. Maturity develops over time and experience, but character is a stable trait. If you chose someone to marry who is immature in some ways, you can reasonably expect that gradually they will develop greater maturity. If you chose someone who has a bad or deficient character, it is unreasonable to expect him or her to change much.

It is not your responsibility to change another person’s character, nor should an individual enter into a marital relationship thinking they will be able to do so. Your primary task on which you need to focus all your energy is to perfect your own character and allow your spouse to perfect his or her own. Trying to correct one another’s character is a prescription for disunity and failure. If you cannot overlook the failings and faults of your partner, and you choose to marry them, you are sentencing yourself to a life of needless distress and suffering.

When you are marrying a person, in many ways you are also marrying that person’s family and the influences that family has and will continue to have on your spouse and you. Knowing a person’s background can tell you something of their characters, as our parents and our family life greatly influence our natures and attitudes about marriage, family, responsibility, relationships and self. Our experiences and perceptions are weighed against existing knowledge and values in ways that may either enhance or harm a relationship. Our interpretations will be based on our background knowledge and values.

Character is based on values, but also involves how we live them. There is a difference between your character and your beliefs. Someone might have good beliefs and a bad character. Use deeds not words as your measure when assessing character. You must do a thorough survey of both your own and your partner’s characters with the goal of knowing your true natures. Seek others input, but you yourself must do the necessary exploration needed to know your dispositions and characters and if they are a good match.

It is vital to study and become thoroughly acquainted with one another’s’ characters, which requires spending time together in many varied and challenging circumstances. To be in situations that resemble the tests and circumstances of marriage will help to see how you each deal with them.

You will be sharing your ideas and inculcating your children with your worldviews and your ideas of good, truth and beauty. For harmony to exist, it is important that you respect one another’s views. Many couples do not know each other’s views of reality before they get married and when they find out in the marriage as they surely will, they find they not only do not respect but cannot accept the others views which reflect their character. Then they must either reconcile these differences, learn to live with them or divorce. As character does not normally change easily, quickly and without effort; making such adjustments are usually difficult and a strain on the relationship. It is better to find someone with whom to live your life whose company, companionship, friendship and nature you like, than to spend your days with someone whose person you cannot accept or even disdain. You cannot know everything about each other, but you should know the basics.

Even if you find a mate who only wants to please you and is willing to sacrifice their identities to do the things you want to do the way you want to do them and be they way you want them to be, their characters will still be there and will manifest themselves in many subtle but real ways. Not only is this not likely, though a still cherished fantasy of many, it does not work. Eventually the person either grows up and becomes someone different from the one you married and wanted, or you grow up and find such a relationship, though satisfying on an immature egotistical level, does not bring the happiness you sought. If neither of you grow, then you will continue to maintain an unhealthy relationship for both of you that feeds each of your pathologies, and which will infect your children on some level.

Beauty, good and truth each have subjective (intrapersonal), inter-subjective (group, interpersonal) and objective (verifiable) aspects. Beauty is primarily a subjective view, the good is primarily inter-subjective and truth primarily objective. It is important that you have an acceptable level of agreement in these areas. As you go through life these factors will take on greater importance and define who we are and want to be. The younger a person is, generally the easier it is to make these changes, though some people are more open and amenable to change than others.

Character can be considered using the same categories as maturity and attraction. We all have strengths and weaknesses among and within the categories of maturity, attraction and character. Sometimes it is helpful if one person is strong where the other person is weak so that they can balance and use each other’s strengths. If one knows a lot about some areas of life and the other knows a lot about different areas, and if one person is good at handling certain situations and the other is good at different situations, together they can know and do more. This will and should happen no matter how similar you may be. The important thing is that there is some equity, or at least perceived equity, in the distribution of these resources between the couple. One may be stronger in this area and the other stronger in that, but overall you have equal strengths. This equity forms the foundation for justice, unity, peace, harmony and well-being in the marriage.

If one partner is clearly generally stronger than the other, an imbalance exists that is the foundation of an unstable and unhealthy marriage. This had been the foundation of the marriage for much of history—the man was to be superior to the woman. The man was to be physically-materially and psychologically-intellectually stronger than the woman, but it was allowed, and often expected, that the woman would be stronger in the social-emotional and the spiritual-moral categories. As physical strength and generally male ways of thinking and feeling were more valued by earlier societies, the males and male values were given a predominant role in marriage and families. This was accepted in those cultures.

The world is experiencing a major shift in values from male dominated toward a balance of male and female. This shift is and will continue to have a dramatic impact on marriages and families, where these values and roles are played out most fundamentally and intimately. More and more one can and should expect equity in marriages to be the healthy and accepted standard. Again that equity does not and cannot mean sameness or equality of capacities and functions, rather equity in overall contributions, rights, privileges and opportunities. More and more will be expected in marriages as societies around the world move more toward a balance of the masculine and the feminine in individual consciousness, culture and society.

Physical-Material
Do they have the physical nature and constitution you desire? Do you share similar physical and material values and live comparably similar physical and material lives? Do your families share similar physical and material values and live comparably similar physical and material lives?

We have different values of physical attractiveness, comfort, sex, economics and material possessions. Consider each of these aspects from a personal, interpersonal and verifiable perspective. For example, you both may say you value those things equally but your subjective idea of them differs greatly from your objective description of them. You may both agree that comfort, sex, wealth and material possessions are important to you and that you want a lot of each in your marriage, but when you objectively describe what you subjectively mean, you have very different and incompatible ideas. The physical-material realm is the area that most allows an objective view—use it. You can fairly accurately describe your physical-material values of what is true, good and beautiful to you in objective terms. How much money do you want to make? How many times a week do you wish to have sex? What physical things bring you comfort? What does the style of life you wish to lead look like?

Psychological-Intellectual
Do you have similar or compatible psychological and intellectual capacities, values and traits? Your families?

Objective data about your partner’s psychological and intellectual character is worth obtaining beforehand. If you do not do so before you get married, you will be presented with plenty of it during your marriage. You of course will rely on your subjective judgments, but getting some inter-subjective and objective judgments can only help to develop a more accurate and honest picture. What do reliable others and standardized measures say about both you and your partner? Do they match up with your personal judgment? Are you comfortable with them or do you try to explain them away? Do your personality types match? Do you find each other’s psychological profile attractive? Seek some kind of counseling or outside advice before getting married. No one is perfectly perfect. We all suffer from some psychological or mental deficiencies that will impact on the marriage. Some may have serious enough problems to preclude the possibility of a successful marriage. Many of these problems can be successfully treated, but a sign of maturity and character is an awareness of the limitations that these deficiencies will impose on being happily married. A good marriage can assist one to deal with and overcome some of these conditions. If serious conditions exist, one should get the advice of a medical or psychological expert to help in making your decision.

Social-Emotional
Do you have similar or compatible social and emotional capacities, values and traits? Your families? Do you encourage one another? What does love look like?

Your dispositions toward service will be an important consideration. Childhood environments that model successful marriage and family life set the stage for positive transfer of that learning to those children’s own marriage and family. Attitudes, emotions, values, roles and patterns can be transferred, often unconsciously, to the new situation. What emotions do you feel? What activates your emotions? How do you express your emotions? What emotion do you feel uncomfortable with? Are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you get energy from being with people or does that take energy from you? What social situations do you like and dislike? How do you each react in various social and emotional situations? What objective data do you have to support your answers?

The closer your ideas and values about social conduct and appropriateness, the more likely you will find the other acceptable and valued. Finding a partner who views these ideals similarly will engender greater love and unity in the family. The concepts of independence, autonomy, unity, healthy relationships, courtesy, equity and justice need to be explored. Justice, fair-mindedness and trustworthiness are essential elements in any successful relationship.

Spiritual-Moral
Do you have similar or compatible moral and spiritual capacities, values and traits? Your families? What do you value most? What criteria and processes do you use to make ethical judgments?

Our thoughts, feelings and actions related to questions of beauty, religion, spirituality and morality are part of our characters. Being compatible and united on these issues has far-reaching effects on the marriage and family. It allows you to understand and encourage your partner’s spiritual and moral characteristics and qualities. What are your religious beliefs? What do you do every day that reflects your spiritual-moral principles? What objective data is there to support you spiritual-moral beliefs? What does spiritual and moral look like to you?

license: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

title: Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Character


text:
Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Chastity

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
Are you chaste?

Do you value chastity?

Are you committed to faithfulness in the marriage?

Introduction
The implications of chastity for a successful marriage are less and less appreciated in the modern world. Increasingly the moral restraints related to sex are relaxed. Chastity is considered old fashioned and out-of-date. Both science and religion strongly support the positive role that sex in marriage and fidelity outside play in a happy and successful marriage. Religions consistently have upheld chastity as a virtue and marriage as the only rightful place for sexual intercourse.

Chastity has the added benefit in preventing sexual passions from dominating in human relationships, especially those of potential mates. It allows deep friendships to be made with many people without violating the special bond that is to exist only between a husband and wife. Marriages where the couples have been chaste both before and after marriage are happier, stabler and longer lasting. Being able to control your sexual desires is a standard of maturity and a mark of character.

Sexual relations seem to be especially suited for strengthening the marriage bond. Outside of this healthy and valued expression of love, it seems to create bonds and attachments that have negative influence on the marriage. Its value in marriage becomes its undoing outside of it. Sex during courtship diverts you from the vital task of making an informed choice by creating an attachment that will cloud judgment and encourage a connection that may be unhealthy. This focuses emphasis on the physical side of a relationship and away from its psychological, social and spiritual aspects.

Fidelity in marriage is a symbol of trust, love, faithfulness and commitment. Chastity and fidelity once lost cannot be regained. They can only be healed and hopefully somewhat overcome. It is advisable not to place yourself in a position where you would sacrifice or compromise this personal treasure for your spouse.

The sexual drive is strong and a natural part of us. Our ability to control and regulate it is part of having our spiritual and higher nature dominate over our animal and lower nature. This is the foundation for character and marital happiness. The idea of chastity and its beneficial influence can also be applied to controlling other harmful habits that destroy marriages, such as pornography, gambling, alcohol and drugs.

title: Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Chastity


text:
Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Introduction

Selecting a spouse is one of the most important decisions in life. The most essential thing you can do to get ready for finding a spouse with whom you can be happily married and then getting and being married is to first develop yourself to make sure you are prepared for marriage. That task will never end, but somewhere in the process you may discover someone with whom you share a mutual attraction, who is also prepared for marriage and who is compatible with you. The more we thoroughly investigate in as scientific and systematic way as practical the compatibility with our future spouse, the more likely we will choose wisely and have a happy marriage.

The questions and information below should help you make a choice of a spouse based on an understanding of the best indicators from science and guidance from the great wisdom traditions. You and your partner will learn more about one another if you answer the questions together. They can provide some measure of the potential for a successful marriage. The more you or your spouse is lacking in these qualities and indicators, the more likely you and your marriage will suffer.

The signs or characteristics related to better determining if a person will make a good spouse discussed below should be considered holistically, not treated in isolation. Like determining the physical attractiveness of someone, you look at the composite of all parts. Just because they have one or two attractive features, does not make a person attractive. Some qualities are more important than others are. Some blemishes and imperfections are acceptable, as long as the whole is still beautiful.

No one will completely or perfectly meet any one sign, let alone all of them, but a satisfactory minimal accomplishment in each will be necessary for a successful marriage. Some of the signs may seem like common sense or unnecessary, but ways of selecting a spouse and conditions considered important for marriage vary greatly from cultures and individuals. What may make sense in one culture or situation, would not in another. I have tried to give ideas that are applicable universally: to all races, cultures, classes, nationalities and genders.

I am a Baha'i and wrote this book from that point of view. I believe the guidance to be useful to anyone, and as much as possible have tried to collaborate my ideas from what I have learned in more scholarly literature related to this topic. If you are interested in reading some of the source matierial that I consulted from the Baha'i literature, you may also wish to read a companion piece that consists mostly of Baha’i quotes by clicking on the link Baha’i Guidance on Selecting a Spouse for a Successful Marriage.