text:
Fuck the System

FUCK THE SYSTEM

by George Metesky

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Free Food

Welfare

Free Clothes

Free Lawyers

Free Flowers

Free Furniture

Free Transportation

Free Phone Calls

Free Money

Free Gas

Free Land

Free Buffalo

Free Medical Help

Emergency Numbers

Free Drugs

Free Security

Free Birth Control Information

Free Information (General)

Free Rent

Free Beaches

Free College

Free Theatre

Free Movies

Free Music

Free Poetry

Free Swimming Pools

Free Pets

Draft Resistance

Free Cars

Clap Section

Cop Section

Dope Tips and Bad Trips

Communes

FREE VEGETABLES - Hunt's Point Market, Hunt's Point Avenue and 138th Street. Have to go by car or truck between 6-9 A.M. but well worth it. You can get enough vegetables to last your commune a week. Lettuce, squash, carrots, canteloupe, grapefruit, melons, even artichokes and mushrooms. Just tell them you want to feed some people free and it's yours, all crated and everything. Hunt's Point is the free people's heaven.

FREE MEAT AND POULTRY - The closest slaughterhouse area is in the far West Village, west of Hudson Street and south of 14th Street. Get a letter from Rev. Allen of St. Mark's on the Bowerie, Second Avenue and 10th Street, saying you need some meat for a church sponsored meal. If you want to be really professional, dress as a priest and go over and ask. Bring a car or truck. A freezer unit will save a good deal of running around. Don't give up on this one. Turning a guy on to the free idea will net you a week's supply of top quality meat. There is some law that if the meat touches the ground or floor they have to give it away. So if you know how to trip a meat truck, by all means. ..

FREE FRESH FISH — The Fish Market is located on Fulton Street and South Street under the East River Drive overpass. You have to get there between 6-9 A.M. but it is well worth it. The fishermen always have hundreds of pounds of fish that they have to throw away if they don't sell. Mackerel, halibut, cod, catfish, and more. You can have as much as you can cart away.

FREE BREAD AND ROLLS — Rapaports on Second Avenue between 5th and 6th Streets will give you all the free bread and rolls you can carry. You have to get there by 7:00 A.M. in order to get the stuff. It's a day old, but still very good. If you want them absolutely fresh, put them in an oven to which you have added a pan of water (to avoid drying them out), and warm them for a few minutes. Most bakeries will give you day old stuff if you give them a half way decent sob story.

A&P stores clean their vegetable bins every day at 9:00 A.M. They always throw out cartons of very good vegetables. Tell them you want to feed your rabbits. Also recommended is picking up food in a supermarket and eating it before you leave the store. This method is a lot safer than the customary shoplifting. In order to be prosecuted for shoplifting you have to leave the store with the goods. If you have eaten it there is no evidence to be used against you.

FREE COOKING LESSONS — (Plus you get to eat the meal) are sponsored by the New York Department of Markets, 137 Centre Street. Thursday mornings. Call CA 6-5653 for more information.

Check the Yellow Pages for Catering Services. You can visit them on a Saturday, Sunday afternoon or Monday morning. They always have stuff left over. Invest 10c in one of the Jewish Dailies and check out the addresses of the local synagogues and their schedule of bar mitzvahs, weddings, and testimonial dinners. Show up at the back of the place about three hours after it is scheduled to start. There is always left-over food. Tell them you're a college student and want to bring some back for your fraternity brothers. Jews dig the college bullshit. If you want the food served to you out front you naturally have to disguise yourself to look straight. Remarks such as "I'm Marvin's brother" or — learning the bride's name from the paper — "Gee, Dorothy looks marvelous" are great. Lines like "Betty doesn't look pregnant" are frowned upon.

Large East Side bars are fantastically easy touches. The best time is 5:00 P.M. Take a half empty glass of booze from an empty table and use it as a prop. Just walk around sampling the hors d'oeuvres. Once you find your favorite, stick to it. You can soon become a regular. They won't mind your loading up on free food because they consider you one of the crowd. Little do they realize that you are a super freeloader. All Long champs are good. Max's Kansas City at Park Avenue South and16th Street doesn't even mind it if you freeload when you are hungry and an advantage here is that you can wear any kind of clothes. Max features fried chicken wings, Swedish meatballs and ravioli.

THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY FOR KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS is located at 26 Second Avenue. Every morning at 7:00 AM a delicious cereal breakfast is served free along with chanting and dancing. Also 12 Noon more food and chanting and on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7:00 P.M. again food and chanting. Then it's all day Sunday in Central Park Sheepmeadow (generally) for still more chanting (sans food). Hari Krishna is the freest high going if you can get into it and dig cereal and, of course, more chanting.

FREE TEA AND COOKIES — In a very nice setting at the Tea Center, 16 East 56th Street. 10-11A.M. and 2-4 P.M. Monday to Friday.

THE CATHOLIC WORKER — 181 Chrystie Street, will feed you any time but you have to pray as you do in the various Salvation Army stations. Heavy wino scenes. The heaviest wino scene is the Men's Temporary Shelter on 8 East 3rd Street. You can get free room and/or meals here if you are over 21 but it's worse than jail or Bellevue. It is a definite last resort only.

The freest meal of all is Tuesdays at 5:00 P.M. inside or in front of St. Mark's Church on the Bowerie, Second Avenue at 10th Street. A few yippie-diggers serve up a meal ranging from Lion Meat to Guppy Chowder to Canteloupe Salad. They are currently looking for a free truck to help them collect the food and free souls dedicated to extending the free food concept. The Motherfuckers also dish out free food on St. Mark's Place from time to time.

If you are really looking for class, pick up a copy of the New York Times and check the box in the back pages designating ocean cruises. On every departure there is a bon voyage party. Just walk on a few hours before sailing time and start swinging. Champagne, caviar, lobster salad, all as free as the open sea. If you get stoned enough and miss getting off you can also wiggle a free boat ride although you get sent back as soon as you hit the other side — but it's a free ocean cruise, even if it's in the brig.

You can get free food in varying quantities by going to the factories. Many also offer a free tour. However, the plants are generally located outside of Manhattan. If you can get a car, try a trip to Long Island City. There you will find the Gordon Baking Company at 42 25 21st Street, Pepsi-Cola at 4602 Fifth Avenue, Borden Company at 35 10 Steinway Street and Dannon Yogurt at 22-11 38th Avenue. All four places give out free samples and if you write or call in advance and say it is for a block party or church affair, they will give you a few cases.

FREE BOOZE — Jacob Ruppert Brewery at 1639 Third Avenue near 91st Street will give you a tour at 10:30 AM. and 2:30 P.M. complete with free booze in their tap room.

The Sun is free. Hair is free. Naked bodies are free. Smiles are free. Rain is free. Unfortunately there is no free air in New York. Con Edison's phone number is 679-6700.

WELFARE — If you live in lower Manhattan the welfare center for you is located on 11 West 13th Street, 989-1210. There is, of course, red tape involved and they don't dig longhairs. Be prepared to tell a good story as to why you cannot work, however your looks (which they cannot make you change) might be good enough reason. This is one place where sloppy clothes pay off. You have to be over 18 to get help. A caseworker will be assigned to you. Some will actually dig the whole scene and won't give you a hard time, others can be a real bitch. Getting on welfare can get you free rent, phone, utilities, and about $20.00 a week to live on. There are also various food stamp and medical programs you become eligible for. If you can stomach hassle, welfare is a must. The main office number is Dl 4-8700 if you do not live in lower Manhattan.

FREE CLOTHES - Try ESSO, 341 East 10th Street or Tompkins Square Community Center on Avenue B and 9th Street. Also the streets are excellent places to pick up good clothes (see section on free furniture for best times to go hunting)

FREE LAWYERS — Legal Aid Society, 100 Centre Street. BE 30250 (criminal matters) and the New York University Law Center Office, 249 Sullivan Street. GR 3-1896 (civil matters). Also for specialized cases and information you can call the National Lawyers Guild. 5 Beekman Street 227-1078 or the New York Civil Liberties Union, 156 Fifth Avenue, WA 96076. For the best help on the Lower East Side use Mobilization for Youth Legal Services, 320 East 3rd Street between Avenues C and D. OR 70400, ask for legal services. Open Tuesday to Friday. 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. and until 8 P.M on Mondays some of the best lawyers in the city available here.

FREE FLOWERS At about 930 A.M. each day you can bum free flowers in the Flower District on Sixth Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets Once in a while you can find a potted tree that's been thrown out because it's slightly damaged.

FREE FURNITURE — By far the best place to get free furniture is on the street. Once a week in every district the sanitation department makes bulk pick-ups. The night before residents put out all kinds of stuff on the street. For the best selection try the West Village on Monday nights and the east Seventies on Tuesday nights. On Wednesday night there are fantastic pick-ups on 35th Street in back of Macy's. Move quickly though, the guards get pissed off easily; the truckers couldn't careless. This street method can furnish your whole pad. Beds, desks, bureaus, lamps, bookcases, chairs, and tables. It's all a matter of transportation. If you don't have access to a car or truck it is almost worth it to rent a station wagon on a weekday and make pick-ups. Alexander's Rent-a-Car is about the cheapest for in-city use. $5.95 and 10c a mile for a regular car. A station wagon is slightly more. Call AG 9-2200 for the branch near you.

Also consider demolition and construction sites as a good source for building materials to construct furniture. The large wooden cable spools make great tables. Cinder-blocks, bricks and boards for bookcases. Doors for tables. Nail kegs for stools and chairs.

FREE BUS RIDES — Get on with a large denomination bill just as the bus is leaving.

FREE SUBWAY RIDES — Get a dark green card and flash it quickly as you go through the exit gate. Always test the swing bars in the turnstile before you put in the token. Someone during the day was sure to drop an extra token in and a free turn is just waiting for the first one to take advantage of it. By far the most creative method is the use of German fennigs. Danish ore or Mozambique 10 centavos pieces. These fit most turnstiles except the newest (carry a real token to use in case the freebee doesn't work). These foreign coins come four or five to a penny. Large amounts must be purchased outside New York City. Most dealers will not sell you large amounts since the Transit Authority has been pressuring them. Try telling dealers you want them to make jewelry. Another interesting coin is the 5 aurar from Iceland. This is the same size as a quarter and will work in most vending machines. They sell for three or four to the penny. There are other coins that also work. Buy a bag of assorted foreign coins from a coin dealer and do a little measuring. You are sure to find tome that fit the bill. Speaking of fitting the bill, we have heard that dollar bills can be duplicated on any Xerox machine (fronts done separately from backs and pasted together) and used in vending machines that give change for a dollar. This method has not been field tested.

The best form of free transportation is hitch-hiking. This is so novel in New York that it often works. Crosstown on 8th Street is good.

FREE PHONE CALLS — A number 14 brass washer with a small piece of scotch tape over one side of the hole will work in old style phones (also parking meters, laundromat dryers, soda and other vending machines). The credit card bit works on long distance calls. Code letter for 1968 is J, then a phone number and then a three digit district number. A district number, as well as the phone number, can be made up by using any three numbers from about 051 to 735. Example: J-573-21OO-421 or J-637-3400-302. The phone number should end in 00 since most large corporations have numbers that end that way. The people that you call often get weird phone calls from the company but not much else. There are also legitimate credit card numbers available. One recent number belonged to Steve McQueen. A phone bill of $50,000 was racked up in one month. McQueen, of course, was not held responsible

FREE MONEY — Panhandling nets some people up to Twenty dollars a day. The best places are Third Avenue in the fifties and the Theater District off Times Square. Both best in the evening on weekends. Uptown guys with dates are the best touch especially if they are just leaving some guilt movie like "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" The professional panhandlers don't waste their time on the Lower East Side except on weekends when the tourists come out.

Devise a street theater act or troupe. It can be anything from a funny dance to a five piece band or a poetry reading. People give a lot more dough and the whole atmosphere sings a little. SMILE!

Panhandle at the rectories and nunneries on the side of every Catholic Church. Contrary to rumor the brother and sister freeloaders in black live very well and will always share something with a fellow panhandler. Also see previous sections on the use of foreign coins.

FREE BOOKS AND RECORDS — If you have an address you can get all kinds of books and records from clubs on introductory offers. Since the cards you mail back are not signed there is no legal way you can be held responsible although you get all sorts of threatening mail, which, by the way, also comes free.

You can always use the Public Libraries. The main branch is on Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street. There are 168 branches all over the city. Call OX 5-4200 for information and a schedule of free events.

POEMS are free. Are you a poem or are you a prose???

FREE GAS — If you have a car and need some gas late at night you can get a gallon and then some by emptying the hoses from the pumps into your tank. There is always a fair amount of surplus gas left when the pumps are shut off.

FREE LAND — Write to "Green Revolution" c/o School of Living. Freeland, Maryland, for their free newspaper with news about rural land available in the United States and the progress of various rural communities. The best available free land is in Canada. You can get a free listing by writing to the Department of Land and Forests, Parliament Building, Quebec City, Canada. Also write to the Geographical Branch, Department of Mines and Technical Surveys, Parliament Buildings, Quebec City. Canada. Lynn Burrows, c/o Communications Group, 2630 Point Grey Rd. Vancouver 8, British Columbia, Canada, will give you the best information on setting up a community in Canada.

If you really want to live for free, get some friends together and seize a building at Columbia University. 116th Street and Broadway. The cops come free, as do blue ribbon committees with funny long names.

FREE BUFFALO — In order to keep the herds at a controllable level the government will give you a real, live buffalo if you can guarantee shipping expenses and adequate grazing area. Write to the Office of Information, Department of the Interior, Washington, DC.

MEDICAID — Medicaid Center. 330 West Street. 594-3050. Medicaid is a very good deal if you can qualify and can stand a little red tape. According to the new law you have to be under 21 or over 65 years of age and have a low income ($2900 or less if you are single) to qualify. It takes about a month to process your application, but if you get a card you are entitled to free hospital and dental services, private physicians, drugs and many other medical advantages

AMBULANCE SERVICE — Call 440-1234. You get 1 cop free of charge with this service. There is no way to get an ambulance without a cop in New York.

EMERGENCY DOCTOR — TR 9-1000.

EMERGENCY DENTIST — YU 8-6110.

NEARBY HOSPITALS — Gouverneur Clinic, 9 Gouverneur Slip, 227 3000 St. Vincent Hospital, 7th Ave. and West 11th St. 620-1234. Bellevue Hospital, First Avenue and 27th Street, 679-5487. On the above medical services you have to pay but you can file the bill or send it to the National Digger Client Center in Washington, D.C. They will pay it for you.

THE WASHINGTON HEIGHTS HEALTH CENTER — 168th Street and Broadway, provides free chest X rays as well as other services. You can get a free smallpox vaccination here at 10: A.M. weekdays if you're traveling abroad. Call WA 7-6300 for information. See special section on clap in this booklet for information on VD treatment.

FREE DRUGS — In the area along Central Park West in the 70's and 80's are located many doctor's offices. Daily they throw out piles of drug samples. If you know what you're looking for, search this area.

FREE SECURITY — For this trick you need some money to begin with. Deposit it in a bank and return in a few weeks telling them you lost your bank book. They give you a card to fill out and sign and in a week you will receive another. Now, withdraw your money, leaving you with your original money and a bank book showing a balance. You can use this as identification, to prevent vagrancy busts traveling, as collateral for bail, or for opening a charge account at a store.

FREE BIRTH CONTROL INFORMATION AND DEVICES — Clergy Consultation Abortion, call 477-0034 and you will get a recorded announcement giving you the names of clergymen who you can call and get birth control information, including abortion contacts. Parents Aid Society, 130 Main Street, Hempstead, Long Island. (516) 538 2626, provides by far the most complete birth control information Pills are provided as well as diaphrams. Referrals are made to doctors willing to perform abortions despite their illegality because of medieval, menopausal politicians. Call them for an appointment before you go out there. They are about to establish an office on the lower East Side.

FREE INFORMATION — Yippie: Youth International Party, 32 Union Square East. 982-5090

ESSO — East Side Service Organization, 141 East 10th St., 533-5930

DIAL-A DEMONSTRATION — 924-6315 to find out about antiwar rallies and demonstrations

DIAL A SATELLITE — TR 3-0404 to find out schedules of satellites.

NERVOUS can be dialed for the time

WEATHER REPORT - WE 6-1212

DIAL A PRAYER — CI 6-4200. God is a long distance call

If you want someone to talk you out of jumping out of a window call IN 2-3322.

If you have nothing to do for a few minutes, call the Pentagon (collect) and ask for Colonel John Masters of the Inter-Communication Center. Ask him how the war's going. (202) LI 5-6700.

If you want the latest news information you can call the wire services: AP is PL 7-1312 or UFI is MU 2-0400.

LIBERATION NEWS SERVICE — At 3064 Broadway and 121st Street will give you up to the minute coverage of movement news both national and local, as well as a more accurate picture of what's going on. Call 8651360. By the way, what is going on?

THE EAST VILLAGE OTHER — Office at 105 Second Avenue and 6th Street, 228-8640 might be able to answer some of your questions.

THE DAILY NEWS INFORMATION BUREAU — 220 East 42nd Street, MU 21234, will try to answer any question you put to them, unless it's "Why do we need the Daily News?"

THE NEW YORK TIMES RESEARCH BUREAU — 229 West 43rd Street, LA 4-1000 will research news questions that pertain to the past three months if you believe there was a past three months.

FREE lessons in a variety of skills such as plumbing, electricity, jewelry malting, construction and woodworking are provided by the Mechanics Institute, 20 West 44th Street. Call or write them well in advance for a schedule. You must sign up early for lessons as they try to maintain small courses. MU 7-4279.

Ron Rosen at 68 Thompson Street will give you free Karate lessons if he considers you in the movement.

FREE YOGA LESSONS — Yoga Institute, 50 East 81st Street, LE 5-0126. Call in advance for lecture schedule. You might be asked to do some voluntary kitchen yoga after the lessons.

FREE RENT — There are many abandoned buildings that are still habitable especially if you know someone with electrical skills who, with a minimum of effort can supply you with free electricity. You can be busted for criminal trespassing but many people are getting away with it. If you are already in an apartment, eviction proceedings in New York take about six months even if you don't pay rent.

You can sleep in the parks during the day. Day or night you can sleep on the roofs which are fairly safe and comfortable if you can find a shady spot. The tar gets very hot when the sun comes out.

Make friends with someone in the building, then if the cops or landlord or other residents give you a problem you can say you are staying with someone in the building. Stay out of hallways, don't sleep on streets or stoops, or in the parks at night.

FREE BEACHES — Coney Island Beach (ES 2 1670) and Manhattan Beach on Oriental Boulevard (DE 2 6794) are two in Brooklyn that are free. Call for directions on how to get there.

The Bronx offers Orchard Beach, call TT 5-1828 for information.

FREE COLLEGE — If you want to go to college free send away for the schedule of courses at the college of your choice. Pick your courses and walk into the designated classrooms. In some smaller classes this might be a problem but in large classes, of which there are hundreds in New York, there is no problem. If you need books for the course, write to the publisher telling him you are a lecturer at some school and are considering using the book in your course.

FREE THEATER — The Dramatic Workshop - Studio # 808, Carnegie Hall Building, 881 Seventh Avenue at 56th Street. Free on Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 8:15 P.M., JU 6 4800 for information.

New York Shakespeare Festival — Delacourte Theatre, Central Park. Every night except Monday. Performance begins at 8:00 P.M. but get there before 6:00 P.M. to be assured tickets.

This is our favorite way to sneak into a regular movie theater: Arrive just as the show is emptying out and join the line leaving the theater. Exclaiming, "Oh, my gosh!" slap your forehead, turnaround and return, telling the usher you left your hat, pocketbook, etc., inside. Once you're in the theatre just take a seat and wait for the next show. Another method is to call the theater early and pose as a film critic for one of the mini magazines and ask to be placed on the "O. K. list." Usually this works.

Pageant Players, The 6th Street Theater Group and other street theater groups perform on various street corners, particularly on the Lower East Side. Free Theater is also provided at the United Nations building and the Stock Exchange on Wall Street, if you enjoy seventeenth century comedy.

If you look relatively straight you can sneak into conventions and get all kinds of free drinks, snacks and samples. Call the New York Convention Bureau, 90 East 42nd Street, MU 7-1300 for information. You can also get free tickets to theater events here at 9:00 A.M.

FREE MOVIES — New York Historical Society — Central Park West and 77th Street. Hollywood movies every Saturday afternoon. Call TR 3-3400 for schedule.

Metropolitan Museum of Art — Fifth Avenue and 82nd Street. Art films Mondays at 3:00 P.M. Call TR 9-5500 for schedule.

New York University — Has a very good free movie program as well as poetry, lectures, and theater presentations. Call the Program Director's Office, 598-2026 for schedule.

Millennium Film Workshop 2 East 2nd Street. Fridays be ginning at 7:15 P.M. open screening of films by underground directors.

FREE MUSIC — Greenwich House of Music School – 46 Barrow Street (of Seventh Avenue),West Village. Fridays at 8:30 P.M. Classical. Donnell Library Center — 20 West 53rd Street. Schedule found in "Calendar of Events" at any library. Classical.

Frick Museum — 1 East 70th Street. BU 8-0700. Concerts every Sunday afternoon. The best of the classical offerings. You must do some red tape work though. Send self - addressed stamped envelope that will arrive on Monday before the date you wish to go. One letter — one ticket.

The Group Image — Performs every Wednesday night at the Hotel Diplomat on West 43rd Street between Sixth and Seventh Avenues, and you can get in free if you say you have no money (sometimes). If you promise to take your clothes off it's definitely free. If you ball on the dance floor, you get a season's pass.

Filmore East — 105 Second Avenue. If you live in the Lower East Side you can generally get into the Filmore East after the show has started, if there are seats. Just go up to the door with a half way decent story. You're with the diggers or Eve or something will generally work.

There are various free festivals put on in Central Park. You can call the City Parks Departments for a schedule at 734-1000.

Washington Square in the West Village is always jumping on Sunday. Check out the Banana Singers either here or on St. Mark's Place. Cop a kazoo in Woolworths or a tambourine and join the band.

FREE MUSEUMS — Metropolitan Museum — Fifth Avenue and 82nd Street.

This works very well at pre-released screenings. You can phone the various screening studios and find out what they are screening.

Frick Museum — 1 East 70th Street. Great when you're stoned. Closed Mondays.

The Cloisters — Weekdays 10 A.M. to 5 P.M., Sundays 1 P.M. to 6 P.M. Take INO Eighth Avenue express (A train) to 190th Street station and walk a few blocks. The #4 Fifth Avenue bus also goes all the way up and it's a pleasant ride. One of the best trip places in town in medieval setting.

Brooklyn Museum — Eastern Parkway and Washington Avenue. Egyptian stuff best in the world outside of Egypt. Take IRT (Broadway Line) express train to Brooklyn Museum station.

Museum of the American Indian — Broadway at 155th Street. The largest Indian museum in the world. Open Tuesday to Sunday 1 to 5 P.M. Take IRT (Broadway Line) local to 157th Street station.

Museum of Natural History — Central Park West and 79th Street. Great dinosaurs and other stuff. Weekdays 10-5 P.M., Sunday 1-5 P.M.

The Hispanic Society of America — Broadway between 15th and 156th Streets. The best Spanish art collection in the city.

Asia House Gallery — 112 East 64th Street. Art objects from the Far East.

Marine Museum of the Seaman's Church — 25 South Street. All kinds of model ships and sea stuff.

Chase Manhattan Bank Museum of Money — 1256 Sixth Avenue. Free people consider property as theft and regard all banks, especially Chase Manhattan ones, as museums.

THE STATEN ISLAND FERRY — Not free, but a nickel each way for a five mile ocean voyage around the southern tip of Manhattan is worth it. Take IRT (Broadway Line) to South Ferry, local only. Ferry leaves every half hour day and night.

FREE CRICKET MATCHES — At both Van Cortland Park in the Bronx and Walker Park on Staten Island every Sunday afternoon. Get schedule from British Travel Association, 43 West 61st Street. At Walker Park free tea and crumpets

FREE POETRY, LECTURES, ETC. — The best advice here is to see the back page of the Village Voice for free events that week. There are a variety of talks given at the Free School, 20 East 14th Street. Call 675-7424 for information. For free brochures about free cultural events in New York go to Cultural Information Center, 148 West 57th Street.

FREE SWIMMING POOLS 1. — East 23rd Street and Asser Levy Place (near Avenue A). Indoor and outdoor pools, plus gymnasium. 2. — 83 Carmine Street (at Seventh Avenue, West Village). Indoor and outdoor pools plus gymnasium. Bring your own swim suit and towel. 35c admission at certain times after 1:00 P.M. if you are over 14 years of age.

BRONX ZOO — Bronx and Pelham Parkways. Largest zoo in the U. S. Great collection of animals in natural settings. IRT Broadway (Dyre Avenue line) to 180th Street station and walk north. Free every day but Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday when cost is 25c.

BOTANICAL GARDENS — 1000 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn Another peaceful trip center. This and the Cloisters best in New York if you want to get away from it all quickly. Open 8:30A.M. 'til dusk. Take IRT (Broadway line) to the Brooklyn Museum station.

FREE PARK EVENTS — All kinds of events in the Parks are free Call 755-4100 for a recorded announcement of week's events.

You can get free posters, literature and books from the various missions to the United Nations located on the East Side near the U.N. building. The Cuban Mission, 6 I 67th Street, will give you free copies of Granma, the Cuban newspaper, Man and Socialism in Cuba, a book by Che.

You can get fingerprinted free and have your phone tapped at no expense by going to the F.B.I, at 201 East 69th Street Call LE 5-7700, ask for J. Hoover. Tell him you're Walter Jenkins.

FREE PETS — ASPCA. 441 East 92nd Street and York Avenue. TR 6-7700. Dogs, cats, some birds and other pets. Tell them you're from out of town if you want a dog and you will not have to pay the $5.00 license fee. Have them inspect and inoculate the pet which they do free of charge.

DRAFT RESISTANCE ADVICE — Many of you have problems that require draft counseling or maybe you have gone AWOL and need advice. There are numerous groups that will help out. Go down to 5 Beekman Street (near City Hall) and find your way to the 10th floor There are many anti-draft groups located there who will give you the right kind of information. Call the Resistance, 732-4272 for details.

FREE CLOTHING REPAIRS — All Wallach stores feature a service that includes sewing on buttons, free shoe horns, and shoe laces, mending pants pockets and linings, punches extra holes in belts, and a number of other free services.

FREE CARS — If you want to travel a long distance the auto transportation agencies are a great deal. Look in the Yellow Pages under Automobile Transportation and Trucking. You must be over 21 and have a valid driver's license. Call them up and tell them when and where you want to go and they will tell you if they have a car. They give you the car and a tank of gas free. You pay the rest.

Go to pick up the car alone, then get some people who also want to go to help with expenses. You can make San Francisco for about $80.00 in tolls and gas in four days without pushing. Usually you have the car for longer and can make a whole thing out of it. You must look "straight" when you go to the agency.

If you would like to meet a real ghost, write Hans Holm c/o New York Committee for Investigation of Paranormal Research. 140 Riverside Drive. New York. N. Y. He'll put you in touch for free.

RADIO FREE NEW YORK — WBA-FM, 99-5 on your dial, 30 East 39th Street, OX 7 2288,after midnight radio station provides air time for free souls who need help or offer it.

NEW YORK SCENES, a magazine has a monthly column called “The Free Loader" with good advice on getting stuff free.

MIMEOGRAPH MACHINE — Both the ESSO office and Yippie have a free mimeo machine that you can use to print poetry, criticism, your life story or anything else.

FREE BAKERY — Every Wednesday some people get together and cook bread at St. Mark's Church on the Bowerie, Second Avenue and 10th Street.

Write to major corporations and tell them you bought one of their products and it doesn't work, or it's shit, or it tastes bad. Most firms will send you up to a case of merchandise just to get you off their back. Try Tootsie Roll, Campbell's Soup and cigarette companies for starters. Also General Mills for cereals. Write to their public relations office. One day at the library and a few stamps will get you tons of stuff.

CLAP AND THE TASMANIAN PIG FEVER — Clap (syphilis and gonorrhea) and Tasmanian Pig Fever (TPF) are two diseases you can easily pick up for free on the Lower East Side. One, the Clap, you catch, and the other, TPF, catches you. The Clap comes from balling. There are some that claim they get it from sitting on a toilet seat but that is possible only if you dig that position.

Generally, using a prophylactic will prevent the spreading of Clap. If you don't use them and you ball a lot your chances of picking it up are pretty good.

Syphilis usually begins with a sore which may look like a cold sore or any other kind of sore or pimple around your sex organ. Soon the sore disappears, even without treatment, and is often followed by an inflammation of the mouth and throat, and rashes on the body. These symptoms also disappear without any treatment. But even if these outer signs disappear the disease remains if untreated. If it remains untreated years later syphilis can cause serious trouble such as heart disease, blindness, insanity, and paralysis.

Gonorrhea is more common than syphilis. The first sign of gonorrhea is a discharge from your sex organ. It may not be noticed in women. In men there is usually itching and burning of the affected areas. If untreated it can result in permanent damage to sex glands. Both syphilis and gonorrhea can be cured in a short time with proper medical attention. The doctor's instructions must be followed to the letter if you want to shake the disease. Sometimes someone will get a shot of penicillin, go home and wait three days, and seeing no change in his condition he will assume the treatment is not working and not go back for more. Some strains are resistant to penicillin but will respond to other medication. Keep going to the clinic until the doctor says No. Free Treatment regardless of age is available for Lower East Side residents at the Chelsea Hygiene Center, 303 Ninth Avenue at 27th Street. Call LA 4-2537 for more free information. You can also get tests for a variety of other illnesses here, including hepatitis, which is common and dangerous. Free cancer check-ups also given. Day and night phone information at 269-5300.

Tasmanian Pig Fever is a disease common to the Lower a variety of reasons. Let's face it, the Lower East Side is a ghetto and getting busted by a cop is common in any American ghetto. The following is some general basic advice and some help on the chief causes for busts — dope and runaways, although runaways are not technically busted.

The TPF is the riot control squad in New York and is called out to handle many street demonstrations. The local police come out of the Ninth Precinct located on 5th Street between First and Second Avenues. The local cops are under the direction of Lieutenant Joe Fink. There are numerous arrests down here and a working knowledge of what to do about the cops can be very helpful. Never let cops in your house if they do not have a search warrant. Ask them to slip it under the door. They only have a right to enter without a search warrant if they have strong reason to believe a crime is being committed on the premises. Most cases without a search warrant are thrown out of court. If you are arrested, give your name and address. If you do not you will have bail trouble. You can give a friend's address. Do not discuss any details of your case with the police. Demand to see your lawyer (See Free Legal Aid Section). You are allowed a phone call and generally they will give you three. Call your closest friend and tell him you are arrested. He should be instructed to meet you in court at 100 Center Street. On the fourth floor your friend can find out what court room you will appear in for arraignment. There is a Legal Aid lawyer in the courtroom who will handle the arraignment. If the charges are misdemeanors he should be used, if the charges are felonies you might be advised to get help from a private lawyer, Mobilization for Youth or some other agency. A good lawyer can get a bail reduction that can save you a good deal of time if you are hard up for bread. Bail depends on a variety of factors ranging from previous arrests to the judge's hangover. It can be put up in collateral, i.e. a bank book, or often there is a cash alternative offered which amounts to about 10 to 20% of the bail. Try and have your friend show up with at least a hundred dollars in cash. For very high bail there are the bail bondsmen in the area of the courthouse who will cover the bail for a fee not to exceed 5%. You will need what they term a solid citizen to sign the bail papers and perhaps put up some collateral.

DOPE BUSTS — Possession of less than a quarter of an ounce of pot is considered a misdemeanor. The penalty can be up to one year. In actuality, a conviction for possession is very rare. The New York courts are quite lenient on this charge. More than a quarter of an ounce is considered possession with intent to sell. This along with sale (to an agent) are considered felonies and punishable by terms of up to 15 years in prison. A few precautions are in order. If you are carrying when busted eat it as soon as it is cool. Never sell to someone you do not know. Never make a sale with two other people present. Agents always buy with another person or agent present as a witness. Never sell to anyone facing an indictment for they are subject to pressure. Undercover agents have some pretty interesting disguises. Black undercover cops are very hard to spot. Often undercover cops wear beards and mustaches but few, contrary to rumor, have very long hair. Longhair that takes a year to grow is not possible since agents are switched around and anyway long hair doesn't grow in Queens. Undercover cops always carry a gun so look out for that noticeable bulge or a jacket being worn on a hot day.

There is a new bill already passed, waiting for the governor's signature, that would upgrade the dope penalties, for example, sale of pot to a minor could get you up to life imprisonment. If this bill is passed and you are caught selling to a minor, pull out a gun and shoot the kid. You can only get 10-20 years for first degree manslaughter and can be paroled in 6 years. Acid and other dope, although against the law rarely result in busts and even less in convictions (heroin is another thing, of course). There are too many technicalities involved in analyzing the substance, many such as STP are not covered by the law. For this reason, they generally go after the grass unless there is a major production or sale involved.

RUNAWAYS — Laws governing runaways are equally ridiculous. Persons who look underage (under 16 for males, under 18 for females) can be stopped by a cop anytime and asked to produce identification. If you are underage or do not have identification to prove otherwise you can be brought to the police station. There your parents or guardian is called. If you have permission to be here they let you go, if not, your parents can pick you up there. If they don't want you, you can be sent to the Youth Detention House which is a very bad trip indeed. If you are a runaway, get fake identification and quick. People who put up runaways are subject to arrest for contributing to the delinquency for a minor. If you want to go name and need a contact or if you want to stay a few days in a good place call Judson Memorial Church in Washington Square, GR 7-0351. This is the first year this program has been in effect but the people running it are cool. If you don't want them to call your parents or the cops they assure us they will not. They can house and feed about twenty-five young people.

DEMONSTRATIONS — A word should be said about demonstrations. Demonstrations with large numbers of arrests rarely result in convictions. Lawyers inform us of the over 3,000 arrests in recent anti-war, Yippie demonstrations, etc. there nave been no convictions. This does not mean things couldn't change drastically but these are the facts up to now. Remember when arrested give only your name and address. Demand a search warrant if they want to come into your pad. The only know cure for Tasmanian Pig Fever is revolution. Paranoids unite!

DOPE — As you probably know, most dope is illegal, therefore some risks are always involved in buying and selling. In the legal section we have discussed the selling problems. Now let us consider the problems involved in buying. Arrests are not a problem unless you are inside and happen to get caught in a raid on a major dealer. What is a major hazard is getting burned. The usual trick is to take your dough and just vanish, leaving you standing on the street. Another method is substituting oregano or parsely for grass, chewing tobacco as hash, and aspirin and barbiturates as acid. A general rule is no bread up front. If you're getting an ounce or more of grass you are entitled to sample it. Hash can also be sampled. If you're considering buying a large amount of acid, buy one tab for a sample and try it first. Another rule is to buy from a town dealer or a close friend.

Have you considered growing your own? Being a weed, grass is very easy to grow if it gets enough water and sun. Get your seeds together, travel over to Jersey or Staten Island, find a field and plant your seeds. Draw a furrow in the ground about half an inch deep and plant the seeds about two inches apart. Cover the seeds with soil and water the area. Returning every two weeks to tend your crop will be sufficient. No matter how high the shoots get they are smokeable if dried out but it is best to let them grow to maturity (when the flowers bloom). This takes three to four months depending on soil conditions and sunlight. With a little effort, you can grow kilos galore. Growing grass indoors is a big hassle but it can be done if you construct a planting box with a light bulb or artificial growing lamp. Some hardy souls have planted grass in Carl Schurz Park next to Gracie Mansion, 89th Street and East River Drive.

There are also legal highs, the most famous of which is bananas. Scrap the insides of the banana peel and roast in a 200c oven for a half hour or until dark brown. Crumble the scrapings and roll in a joint or pack in a pipe. This will produce a mild pot high. Mornings glory seeds will produce a high similar to LSD if prepared properly. Use only the white, blue, or blue-white varieties that are not coated with chemicals. If they have been coated a good washing in alcohol will remove it. You need about 400 seeds to get you up there. Generally there are about 40 to 60 in a packet. We prefer the following method: grind the seeds in a pepper mill and stuff them into gelatin capsules that you can get in any drug store. Another method is to boil the seeds, strain the mixture and drink the liquid. It tastes bitter but it's easier than the grinding method, it's an 8-10 hour trip. Whipped cream containers are 80% nitrous oxide or laughing gas. Hold the container upright and release the nozzle slowly as you inhale. It's really a gas; even the whipped cream gets you high.

Some people claim you can get high on cabbage centers. Others claim cigarette tobacco mixed with powdered aspirins will do the trick. A hint on grass: boil the twigs and seeds and make a very groovy tea — sort of a tea-tea.

BAD TRIPS — The best method for bringing a person down from a bad trip is calm, understanding talk by a sympathetic soul. Generally this works. Orange juice and sugar works well.

A cup of sugar to a quart of orange juice. Drink as much as you can. Niacinimide, a vitamin B derivative also works. You need 1000 milligrams for every 100 micrograms of LSD. Say the tablets you have are 100 mg. That means ten tablets for each 100 micro-grams of LSD. If you do not know the LSD dosage, assume 500 micrograms and use 50 tablets of Niacinimide. Too much Niacinimide cannot hurt you. Landing time for both the orange juice-sugar method and Niacinimide is between 30-40 minutes. Niacinimide has better results. It is available without a prescription and is fairly cheap. You can get a thousand tablets for about three dollars. As a last resort you should call in a physician who can administer a tranquilizer, generally thorazine. Bellevue should be considered a bad trip. Be careful of drugs you know nothing about. STP is only for people who have been into acid for a time. Heroin is addictive and can be a mighty expensive habit. Amphetamine, usually called A or meth or speed, is also quite dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. Both heroin and meth are self-destructive. They ruin your appetite, often causing malnutrition. Since they are needle drugs there is always the chance of missing a vein, which leads to a stiff arm for a few days or of contracting serum hepatitis from unsterilized needles. You can kick the habit by just refusing to take it for a few weeks or switching to a groovier drug. Don't get hooked on any drug, whether it be heroin, school, coca-cola, benzedrine, suburbia, meth, or politics. They can all rot your brain ... Be advised.

COMMUNES — Communes can be a cheap and enjoyable way to live. They are a good tribal way to live in the city because they are tribes each has a personality of its own. This personality depends on the people in the commune and how well they get along together. For this reason the most important part of setting up a commune is choosing people who are compatible. It is vital that no member of the commune has any strong objection to any other member. More communes have been destroyed by incompatibility than any other single reason. People of similar interests (speed freaks with speed freaks, painters with painters, and revolutionaries with revolutionaries) should get together. Preferably the members of the commune should know each other before they begin setting up quarters.

Once there is a nucleus of 4 to 7 people that are compatible establishing a commune is not difficult.

The first thing to do is rent an apartment. The initial cost will probably be two months rent. Don't pay more. The landlord is not legally allowed to ask for more than one month's rent as security.

Don't go to a rental agency unless you are willing to pay an extra month's rent as a fee. Two ways you can find an apartment if you don't know of one are: walk up and down every street and look for rent signs; the other is to look inside the front doors of some buildings in the area for a sign giving the landlord's name. When you find buildings owned by one company there is a pretty good chance that the company owns other buildings in the area. Call that company and ask if they have any vacant apartments.

When you get an apartment, furnishing will be the next step. You can double your sleeping space by building loft or bunk beds. Nail two by fours securely from ceiling to floor about three feet from the walls where beds are wanted. Then build a frame out of two by fours at the height you want the beds. Make sure it is strong enough to hold the weight of people sleeping on it. Then nail a sheet of 3/4 inch plywood on the frame. Mattresses and other furniture can be gotten for free. See the section on free furniture. You can cop silverware in self-service restaurants.

How you govern your commune depends on where the member's heads are. One method which works well is the Indian tribal council in which from time to time all members of the tribe (commune) get together and discuss problems that come up and solutions are worked out. At the meeting it should be decided which members are responsible for things that have to be done (i.e. cooking, cleaning, raising the rent), this assures that they will be done. It is a good idea to have a meeting when you first form to make decisions on some of the important things that are sure to arise. The first is whether you want a crash pad or a commune. The difference is that a commune is a closed unit. Other people may join, but unlike a crash pad, they may not join for one day. Other things to consider are drugs (no drugs in the pad, communal stash, etc.), property (personal, communal), age limits and so on. The important thing to remember is that with experience and basic trust for each other, this form of tribal living is by far the best way to live in the city jungle.

Ask around for an experienced commune and get one of their members to come to your first tribal meeting. The more stable communes that are established the sooner we can begin to realize a freer more humanistic society.

Revolution is Free. Venceremos!

Take what you want

Take what you need

There is plenty to go around

Everything is free.

-- George Metesky

Free New York

YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"America is the land of the Free.

My ol' man George always told me that

Free means you don't pay."

-- Jim Metesky

Nothing in this manual is copyrighted. Anyone may reprint this information without permission. If you paid money for this manual you got screwed. It's absolutely free because it's yours. Think about it.

title: Fuck the System


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text:
Page:Lewis Carroll - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.djvu/96

a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood—(she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery: otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish)—and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.


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Rh The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play


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78 croquet." The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, "From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet."

Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her; and when she next peeped out the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked.

"There's no sort of use in knocking," said the Footman, "and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you." And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within—a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great


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Rh crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces.

"Please, then," said Alice, "how am I to get in?"

"There might be some sense in your knocking," the Footman went on, without attending to her, "if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know." He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. "But perhaps he can't help it," she said to herself; "his eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions.—How am I to get in?" she repeated, aloud.

"I shall sit here," the Footman remarked, "till to-morrow"

At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out, straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.


text: The Dictionary of Australasian Biography/Redwood, Most Rev. Francis


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80 "or next day, maybe," the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened.

"How am I to get in?" asked Alice again, in a louder tone.

"Are you to get in at all?" said the Footman. "That's the first question, you know."

It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. "It's really dreadful," she muttered to herself, "the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!"

The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark, with variations. "I shall sit here," he said, "on and off, for days and days."

"But what am I to do?" said Alice.

"Anything you like," said the Footman, and began whistling.

"Oh, there's no use in talking to him," said Alice desperately: "he's perfectly idiotic!" And she opened the door and went in.

The door led right into a large kitchen,


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margaret (1457?-1486)


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Rh which was full of smoke from one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.

"There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!" Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing.


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82 There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only two creatures in the kitchen that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

"Please would you tell me," said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, "why your cat grins like that?"

"It's a Cheshire cat," said the Duchess, "and that's why. Pig!"

She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby, and not to her, so she took courage, and went on again:—

"I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats could grin."


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Rh "They all can," said the Duchess; "and most of 'em do."

"I don't know of any that do," Alice said very politely, feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation.

"You don't know much," said the Duchess; "and that's a fact."

Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby—the fire-irons came first; then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her; and the baby was howling so much already, that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not.

"Oh, please mind what you're doing!" cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of


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84 terror. "Oh, there goes his precious nose!" as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly carried it off.

"If everybody minded their own business," the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, "the world would go round a deal faster than it does."

"Which would not be an advantage," said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. "Just think what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis"

"Talking of axes," said the Duchess, "chop off her head!"

Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to take the hint; but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed not to be listening, so she went on again: "Twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I"

"Oh, don't bother me," said the Duchess; "I never could abide figures!" And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a sort of


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margaret (1446-1503)


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Rh lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line :—

While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words:—


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margaret (1441-1509)


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86 "Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!" the Duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. "I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen," and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went, but it just missed her.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, "just like a star-fish," thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it.

As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, (which was to twist it up into a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot, so as to prevent its undoing itself,) she carried it out into the open air. "If I don't take this child away with me," thought Alice, "they're sure to kill it in a day


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Rh or two: wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?" She said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply (it had left off sneezing by this time). "Don't grunt," said Alice; "that's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself."

The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had a very turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose; also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby: altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. "But perhaps it was only sobbing," she thought, and looked into its eyes again, to see if there were any tears.

No, there were no tears. "If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear," said Alice, seriously, "I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now!" The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it was impossible to say which), and they went on for some while in silence.


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88 Alice was just beginning to think to herself, "Now, what am I to do with this creature when I get it home?" when it grunted again, so violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This time there could be no mistake about it: it was neither more nor less than a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it any further.

So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood. "If it had grown up," she said to herself, "it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes rather a handsome pig, I think." And she began thinking over other children she knew, who


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margaret (1489-1541)


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Rh might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, "if one only knew the right way to change them" when she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.

The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought: still it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

"Cheshire Puss," she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. "Come, it's pleased so far," thought Alice, and she went on, "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't much care where" said Alice.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.


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90 "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. "What sort of people live about here?"

"In that direction," the Cat said, waving its right paw round, "lives a Hatter: and in that direction," waving the other paw, "lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad."

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on: "And how do you know that you're mad?"

"To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?"

"I suppose so," said Alice.


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margary, Augustus Raymond


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Rh


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Margoliouth, Moses


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92 "I should like it very much," said Alice, "but I haven't been invited yet."

"You'll see me there," said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so well used to queer things happening. While she was still looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again.

"By-the-bye, what became of the baby?" said the Cat. "I'd nearly forgotten to ask."

"It turned into a pig," Alice answered very quietly, just as if the Cat had come back in a natural way.

"I thought it would," said the Cat, and vanished again. Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare was said to live.

"I've seen hatters before," she said to herself: "the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Marham, Ralph


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Rh least not so mad as it was in March." As she said this, she looked up, and there was the Cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree.

"Did you say pig, or fig?" said the Cat.

"I said pig," replied Alice; "and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.


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94 "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life!"

She had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of the March Hare: she thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. It was so large a house, that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom, and raised herself to about two feet high: even then she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to herself, "Suppose it should be raving mad after all! I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead!"


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text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Marianus Scotus


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536 and the Mediterranean; on the other, feeding in Scotland the animosities of the nation against the English, and the special hatred of the clergy against Henry and the Reformation:—

Charles V., embarrassed between his orthodoxy as a Catholic and his duties as a prince, resolute, apparently, to check the ambition and punish the treachery of Francis, to compose the spiritual anarchy which distracted the Empire, and to drive back the advancing wave of Mahometanism which threatened to close the Protestant controversies in Europe, as Kaled and Omar nine centuries before had closed the quarrels of the sects in Antioch and Alexandria; yet knowing well that for such undertakings steel and powder would do more for victory than the lightnings of the Vatican; and, in spite of himself and of the anger of the Pope, compelled into an alliance with the heretic of England; hoping, if it might be so, to win him back to conformity; satisfied, if persuasion should fail, that with a clear conscience he might leave him to his fate, when his support should no longer be necessary; finally, doing for the day what the exigencies of the day demanded, and leaving the morrow to resolve its own difficulties:—

Paul III., concentrating under the influence of Reginald Pole the whole energies of his nature into a blind and malignant hatred of Henry VIII.; alarmed at the progress of Solyman, yet counting him a spirit of light, compared with a rival 'head of the Church;' disapproving the Koran, yet fearing less injury to the


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1542.] soul from the rhapsodies of Mahomet than from Tyndal's Bible and the 'Institution of a Christian Man;' furious at his past failures, at the blighted conspiracies, the recent defection of Ireland, the still later defeat at Solway Moss, and dreading now that Scotland, his last hope, would fail him also; furious at the Emperor for inclining to the heresiarch whom he had promised to destroy; and therefore pardoning in Francis his alliance with the Porte, for the strength which that alliance might lend him to defy Henry and maintain David Beton and the queen-mother:—

These were the respective objects and attitudes of the great powers of Europe at the termination of the year 1542; these were the tendencies out of which the future, so far as the policy of statesmen and sovereigns could affect it, was to form itself. The direction of events in England and Scotland, France and Germany, ceased to be guided by local and superficial influences, and moved with the broad undercurrent which penetrated from one to the other; the resolutions of the Estates at Edinburgh were dictated from the Vatican or from Paris; the relations between England and France were turned out of their course by the necessity which was compelling into one the two nations which divided between them the small island of Britain.

The news of the Scottish invasion, and of the murder of the herald, reached London simultaneously; the death of James, which so soon followed, was undreamt of till it actually occurred; and Henry, encouraged by


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Haynes Photo, St. Paul Old Faithful Geyser, Yellowstone Park


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538 the extraordinary success on the Solway, made up his mind to hesitate no longer, to carry the country by storm before the nation had recovered from their panic, and to assert his feudal sovereignty over the northern kingdom. The lords and gentlemen who had been taken prisoners in the battle were brought up express to the Court. After two days' confinement in the Tower they were paraded in public through the streets to Whitehall, where they listened to a detail from the mouth of the chancellor of their own and the King's offences. They were then set at liberty, on their parole, and were dispersed as guests among the houses of the English nobles. A formal demand was despatched to Edinburgh for the surrender of the murderers; and Sir William Paget was instructed to lay before the French sovereign a copy of the declaration of the causes of the war, and to require him to abstain from interference. Francis insisted in reply that he was bound by treaty to support his allies. He said that James had acted wisely in refusing the interview, that the right in the dispute was with him, and not with Henry; and that he would not allow Scotland to be crushed. But the opposition or the open hostility of France was anticipated, and if undesired could be endured. With the opening of the spring Henry had resolved to cross the


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1542.] Border at the head of his army, when it became known that James was beyond the reach of earthly punishment, and the sovereign with whom he was at war was an infant girl. The council of Scotland communicated the news in a letter of prostrate humiliation. While relating the loss which had fallen upon them, they added that they had arrested the men who had killed the herald, and would deliver them up immediately to justice. They trusted that his Highness's blood reigning within their realm, he would not fail to desire the tranquillity of it; 'they had thought it above all things most needful to seek the ways whereby all diversity betwixt the two realms might be brought to amity and quiet;' and they entreated that at once a six mouths' armistice might be proclaimed on the Borders, till terms of peace could be agreed on. Evidently either the spirit of the whole nation was broken, or Beton and Beton's party were no longer in the ascendant.

In fact, for the moment, the Cardinal had ruined his cause. The invasion of England, which had terminated so disastrously, had been his exclusive work. Foreseeing that the recoil of feeling, inevitable under any circumstances, would be stimulated by the fate of the King, he had ventured a desperate effort to retain his supremacy. He had hastened to the bedside of the dying monarch, and had guided his hand, at the moment of departure, in the signature of a paper by which the regency was conferred upon himself and upon those of the


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540 nobles on whose devotion to the Papacy he could calculate. He was proclaimed at the market-cross at Edinburgh, but the impudent forgery was exposed and denounced; and the discovery of the list of names which revealed the conspiracy against the lords who had opposed the war with England raised at once a storm of rage. The Earl of Arran, whose name was first upon the catalogue, was next of kin to the princess, and by Scottish usage was her legitimate guardian. Arran, with the assistance of Sir James Kirkaldy, called a convention of the nobles, and, by a majority too great even to allow a shadow of resistance, was declared Regent. The Cardinal was arrested and imprisoned; and the power passed from the Church to the laity.

The circumstances of the two countries now


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1542.] those which had succeeded the battle of Flodden. A great invasion had a second time been followed by a great defeat, by the death of a king, and by the succession of an infant. A second time there was an opportunity for a union of the Crowns by marriage. A second time there was an interval of penitence, when suffering brought with it wiser counsels. The recurring crisis was attended only with this difference, that before Scotland was left with a prince who was then to be mated with an English princess. The position was now reversed. A girl inherited the throne of the Stuarts: a boy, a few years older, was the heir of the rival crown. But, under either form, 'the situation,' to use the language of Knox, 'was a wonderful providence of God;' and while the wounds of Solway Moss were still green, and the memory of suffering was fresh, the fear of the


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542 Scottish council seemed rather that Henry, in his present humour, would refuse to grant again conditions so honourably moderate.

Therefore it was that, on the King's death, they made haste to secure their ground by a ready submission; while at the same time, by electing a regent on their own authority who was known to be hostile to Beton, they at once secured the outward independence of their Government, and took away from Henry a pretence for an armed interference. The two murderers were sent under a guard to Alnwick, where they were placed in the hands of Lord Lisle. When examined on the motives of their crime, one of them—the Lincoln insurgent, Leech—maintained an obstinate silence; his companion, Priestman, who was also a refugee, was more cowardly or less scrupulous. This man stated that they had been in great poverty, and they had supposed that some 'notable exploit' done against their countrymen might bring them into favour at the Court. With this view they had suggested to the King that the herald and his party were probably spies; and, should it so please him, they would intercept and punish them. The King, Priestman said, gave them no answer in words, but from signs and gestures they gathered that 'he forced not, though the men had a shrewd turn.' His secretary was explicit in his encouragement. They need be in no fear, he told them, of being given up to the English: 'If they had killed the King of England


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1542.] himself they would not be delivered;' and the Cardinal would give them 'wages' as soon as they had earned his favour. They still hesitated: to assure themselves certainly they applied for directions to Beton himself; and of the instructions which had been given in this quarter, Priestman could not speak with certainty. His companion had been admitted to a private interview; and, knowing nothing of the details of the conversation between Leech and the Cardinal, he could himself say only that the enterprise was regarded with general favour. Neither Beton nor any other person, in his own hearing, had expressly advised the murder; but 'he might perceive,' he said, 'as well by their fashion that they would have such a thing done as though they had commanded them precisely to do it.' With the evidence made imperfect by the silence of the other prisoner, the Cardinal may have the benefit of the cautious verdict of his countrymen. His complicity was 'not proven;' but, though the herald was in himself an insignificant person, it is not unlikely that the subtle churchman, afraid of the King's vacillation, desired to embitter the quarrel with England, beyond hope of reconciliation, by a desperate and unpardonable outrage.

At any rate, whether guilty or innocent, Beton was driven from power, and was secured in Blackness Castle from committing further crimes. There was a prospect of peace—peace, at last, on the broad basis of acknowledged interest; and Henry, catching gladly at the


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544, invited the Scotch prisoners, with the Earl of Angus and his brother, to a conference in London. He expressed his anxious desire to heal the old wounds, once and for ever, by a treaty of perpetual peace and the betrothal of Edward and Mary. His objects and his offers were the same precisely which he had desired and proposed twenty years before; but, taught by the experience of past failures, he would not again, if security were possible, expose a combination of occasions, which might never recur, to be ruined by Scotch fickleness. This time he would ensure his success by substantial conditions. He suggested that, on the signature of the two treaties, the infant Queen should be brought into England to be educated; that the Castles of Edinburgh, Stirling, and Dumbarton should be occupied by English garrisons; that, in the place of a regency, Scotland should be governed by a native council, in the nomination of which he should be himself admitted to a voice; and to Cardinal Beton he paid the same respect which he had paid previously to his uncle the Archbishop—the prisons on the south side of the Border he believed to be safer than those on the north.

If in the administration of human affairs that course is the best which will accomplish, with the smallest amount of inconvenience or suffering, results which in themselves are sooner or later inevitable, we cannot but applaud a scheme which, had circumstances permitted its accomplishment, would have spared Scotland a century of needless calamity, and perhaps might have spread


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 During the season round-trip tickets are issued by the various railroads, and on special occasions through tickets over these lines allow stopovers in the Park within the time-limit of the ticket. This is generally the case during large conventions and expositions that draw visitors from all parts of the country.

The hotels, permanent camps, and transportation lines operated in the Park are all under contract with the Department of the Interior, which insures visitors against overcharges. There is a specified schedule of prices for all ordinary requirements, and the authorized rates are well within reason.

Tourists are advised to arrange in advance for their hotel or camp accommodations.

The Yellowstone Park Hotel Co. maintains five hotels and two lunch stations in the Park. The hotels are located at Mammoth Hot Springs, the Lower Geyser Basin, the Upper Geyser Basin, the outlet of Yellowstone Lake, and the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone; the lunch stations are located at Norris Geyser Basin and the Thumb of the Lake. These


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1542.] in peace the forms of the Church of England over the united kingdoms. The noblemen whom the King was addressing acquiesced, or professed to acquiesce, with unreserved heartiness. Their imprisonment was declared at an end. They were permitted to return to their country, undertaking on their part to further the English policy with all their power. They gave a promise, should they be unable to accomplish Henry's expectations, again to surrender themselves, or to pay the moderate ransom at which the price of their liberty was fixed; but, in reality, the condition of their deliverance was the peace between England and Scotland. Success seemed all but certain. It was possible that, notwithstanding the favourable disposition of the council, force might still be required to take possession of the fortresses, and to escort the Cardinal into England; and Lord Lisle received orders to support the Earl of Angus with four thousand men. But an easy and bloodless victory was confidently anticipated. On the 30th of December the two hundred lords and gentlemen who, a few weeks before, had been carried in triumph through London, were dismissed with costly presents from the Court. On the 31st the Lord Mayor entertained them at a banquet in the Guildhall; and on New-year's day after, pausing at Enfield to pay their court to the young prince, they set out for the north, carrying back with them, as it seemed, not only a desire for an alliance with the nation which they had entered as armed invaders, but the


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546 of introducing into Scotland the English Bible and the principles of the English Reformation.

In Paris the tidings of these strange events were received at first with incredulity, and afterwads with fear. The release of the prisoners was known: the conditions, though not declared, were more than suspected. A Scot endeavoured to extract the secret out of Paget; and although the ambassador was too skilful a diplomatist to be entrapped by questions, yet the situation and its obvious suggestions left little doubt of Henry's intentions; and the Catholic faction in the French council determined at all hazards to thwart him. The disaster of November had overthrown Beton; but the links which bound France and Scotland were woven out of the hatred of centuries for a common enemy, and could not be destroyed by a momentary accident They affected to see in the intended marriage the sacrifice of a nation's independence, the insidious approach of a rival power watching its opportunity; and they


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markaunt, Thomas


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham, Francis


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Rev. Septimus Harding was, a few years since, a beneficed clergyman residing in the cathedral town of ; let us call it Barchester. Were we to name Wells or Salisbury, Exeter, Hereford, or Gloucester, it might be presumed that something personal was intended; and as this tale will refer mainly to the cathedral dignitaries of the town in question, we are anxious that no personality may be suspected. Let us presume that Barchester is a quiet town in the West of England, more remarkable for the beauty of its cathedral and the antiquity of its monuments, than for any commercial prosperity; that the west end of Barchester is the cathedral close, and that the aristocracy of Barchester are the bishop, dean, and canons, with their respective wives and daughters.

Early in life Mr. Harding found himself located at Barchester. A fine voice and a taste for sacred music had decided the position in which he was to exercise his calling, and for many years he performed the easy but not highly paid duties of a minor canon. At the age of forty a small living in the close vicinity of the town increased both his work and his income, and at the age of fifty he became of the cathedral.

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2 Mr. Harding had married early in life, and was the father of two daughters. The eldest, Susan, was born soon after his marriage; the other, Eleanor, not till ten years later. At the time at which we introduce him to our readers he was living as precentor at Barchester with his youngest daughter, then twenty-four years of age; having been many years a widower, and having married his eldest daughter to a son of the, a very short time before his installation to the office of precentor.

Scandal at Barchester affirmed that had it not been for the beauty of his daughter, Mr. Harding would have remained a minor ; but here probably Scandal lied, as she so often does; for even as a minor canon no one had been more popular among his reverend brethren in the close, than Mr. Harding; and Scandal, before she had reprobated Mr. Harding for being made precentor by his friend the bishop, had loudly blamed the bishop for having so long omitted to do something for his friend Mr. Harding. Be this as it may, Susan Harding, some twelve years since, had married the Rev. Dr. Theophilus Grantly, son of the bishop, of Barchester, and rector of Plumstead Episcopi, and her father became, a few months later, precentor of Barchester Cathedral, that office being, as is not usual, in the bishop's gift.

Now there are peculiar circumstances connected with the precentorship which must be explained. In the year 1434 there died at Barchester one John Hiram, who had made money in the town as a woolstapler, and in his will he left the house in which he died and certain meadows and closes near the town, still called Hiram's Butts, and Hiram's Patch, for the support of twelve superannuated wool-carders, all of whom should have been born and bred and spent their days in Barchester; he also appointed that an alms-house should be built for their abode, with a fitting residence for a, which warden was also to receive a certain sum annually out of the rents of the said

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Rh butts and patches. He, moreover, willed, having had a soul alive to harmony, that the precentor of the cathedral should have the option of being also warden of the alms-houses, if the bishop in each case approved.

From that day to this the charity had gone on and prospered—at least, the charity had gone on, and the estates had prospered. Wool-carding in Barchester there was no longer any; so the bishop,, and warden, who took it in turn to put in the old men, generally appointed some hangers-on of their own; worn-out gardeners, decrepit grave-diggers, or octogenarian sextons, who thankfully received a comfortable lodging and one shilling and fourpence a day, such being the stipend to which, under the will of John Hiram, they were declared to be entitled. Formerly, indeed,—that is, till within some fifty years of the present time,—they received but sixpence a day, and their breakfast and dinner was found them at a common table by the warden, such an arrangement being in stricter conformity with the absolute wording of old Hiram's will: but this was thought to be inconvenient, and to suit the tastes of neither warden nor, and the daily one shilling and fourpence was substituted with the common consent of all parties, including the bishop and the corporation of Barchester.

Such was the condition of Hiram's twelve old men when Mr. Harding was appointed warden; but if they may be considered as well-to-do in the world according to their condition, the happy warden was much more so. The patches and butts which, in John Hiram's time, produced hay or fed cows, were now covered with rows of houses; the value of the property had gradually increased from year to year, and century to century, and was now presumed by those who knew anything about it, to bring in a very nice income; and by some who knew nothing about it, to have increased to an almost fabulous extent.

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4 The property was farmed by a gentleman in Barchester, who also acted as the bishop's steward—a man whose father and grandfather had been stewards to the bishops of Barchester, and farmers of John Hiram's estate. The Chadwicks had earned a good name in Barchester; they had lived respected by bishops, deans, canons, and precentors; they had been buried in the precincts of the cathedral; they had never been known as griping, hard men, but had always lived comfortably, maintained a good house, and held a high position in Barchester society. The present Mr. Chadwick was a worthy scion of a worthy stock, and the tenants living on the butts and patches, as well as those on the wide episcopal domains of the see, were well pleased to have to do with so worthy and liberal a steward.

For many, many years,—records hardly tell how many, probably from the time when Hiram's wishes had been first fully carried out,—the proceeds of the estate had been paid by the steward or farmer to the warden, and by him divided among the bedesmen; after which division he paid himself such sums as became his due. Times had been when the poor warden got nothing but his bare house, for the patches had been subject to floods, and the land of Barchester butts was said to be unproductive; and in these hard times the warden was hardly able to make out the daily dole for his twelve dependents. But by degrees things mended; the patches were drained, and cottages began to rise upon the butts, and the wardens, with fairness enough, repaid themselves for the evil days gone by. In bad times the poor men had had their due, and therefore in good times they could expect no more. In this manner the income of the warden had increased; the picturesque house attached to the hospital had been enlarged and adorned, and the office had become one of the most coveted of the snug clerical sinecures attached to our church. It was

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Rh now wholly in the bishop's gift, and though the dean and chapter, in former days, made a stand on the subject, they had thought it more conducive to their honour to have a rich precentor appointed by the bishop, than a poor one appointed by themselves. The stipend of the precentor of Barchester was eighty pounds a year. The income arising from the wardenship of the hospital was eight hundred, besides the value of the house.

Murmurs, very slight murmurs, had been heard in Barchester,—few indeed, and far between,—that the proceeds of John Hiram's property had not been fairly divided: but they can hardly be said to have been of such a nature as to have caused uneasiness to any one: still the thing had been whispered, and Mr. Harding had heard it. Such was his character in Barchester, so universal was his popularity, that the very fact of his appointment would have quieted louder whispers than those which had been heard; but Mr. Harding was an open-handed, just-minded man, and feeling that there might be truth in what had been said, he had, on his instalment, declared his intention of adding twopence a day to each man's pittance, making a sum of sixty-two pounds eleven shillings and fourpence, which he was to pay out of his own pocket. In doing so, however, he distinctly and repeatedly observed to the men, that though he promised for himself, he could not promise for his successors, and that the extra twopence could only be looked on as a gift from himself, and not from the trust. The bedesmen, however, were most of them older than Mr. Harding, and were quite satisfied with the security on which their extra income was based.

This munificence on the part of Mr. Harding had not been unopposed. Mr. Chadwick had mildly but seriously dissuaded him from it; and his strong-minded son-in-law, the archdeacon, the man of whom alone Mr. Harding stood in awe, had urgently

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6 nay, vehemently, opposed so impolitic a concession: but the warden had made known his intention to the hospital before the archdeacon had been able to interfere, and the deed was done.

Hiram's Hospital, as the retreat is called, is a picturesque building enough, and shows the correct taste with which the ecclesiastical architects of those days were imbued. It stands on the banks of the little river, which flows nearly round the cathedral close, being on the side furthest from the town. The London road crosses the river by a pretty one-arched bridge, and, looking from this bridge, the stranger will see the windows of the old men's rooms, each pair of windows separated by a small buttress. A broad gravel walk runs between the building and the river, which is always trim and cared for; and at the end of the walk, under the parapet of the approach to the bridge, is a large and well-worn seat, on which, in mild weather, three or four of Hiram's bedesmen are sure to be seen seated. Beyond this row of buttresses, and further from the bridge, and also further from the water which here suddenly bends, are the pretty oriel windows of Mr. Harding's house, and his well-mown lawn. The entrance to the hospital is from the London road, and is made through a ponderous gateway under a heavy stone arch, unnecessary, one would suppose, at any time, for the protection of twelve old men, but greatly conducive to the good appearance of Hiram's charity. On passing through this portal, never closed to any one from six till ten, and never open afterwards, except on application to a huge, intricately hung, mediæval bell, the handle of which no uninitiated intruder can possibly find, the six doors of the old men's abodes are seen, and beyond them is a slight iron screen, through which the more happy portion of the Barchester élite pass into the Elysium of Mr. Harding's dwelling.

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 hotels are operated in connection with the Yellowstone National Park Transportation Co., whose coaches start from the northern entrance at Gardiner; the Monida & Yellowstone Transportation Co., whose coaches start from the western entrance at Yellowstone; and the Holm Transportation Co., whose coaches start from Cody, Wyo.

The address of the hotel company is Yellowstone Park, Wyo., from June 15 to September 15, and Helena, Mont., thereafter. The authorized rates at the hotels are as follows:

The Yellowstone Park Transportation Co. operates a transportation line from Gardiner,


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham, Frederick


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham, Gervase


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham, Griffin


text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markham, John (d.1409)


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 Mont., the northern entrance, in connection with the hotels. The stages run daily during the season. The address of this company is Yellowstone Park, Wyo., between June 15 and September 15; thereafter, Helena, Mont. The authorized rates are as follows:


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Rh Mr. Harding is a small man, now verging on sixty years, but bearing few of the signs of age; his hair is rather grizzled, though not grey, his eye is very mild, but clear and bright, though the double glasses which are held swinging from his hand, unless when fixed upon his nose, show that time has told upon his sight: his hands are delicately white, and both hands and feet are small; he always wears a black frock coat, black knee-breeches, and black gaiters, and somewhat scandalises some of his more hyper-clerical brethren by a black neck-handkerchief.

Mr. Harding's warmest admirers cannot say that he was ever an industrious man; the circumstances of his life have not called on him to be so; and yet he can hardly be called an idler. Since his appointment to his precentorship, he has published, with all possible additions of vellum, typography, and gilding, a collection of our ancient church music, with some correct dissertations on Purcell, Crotch, and Nares. He has greatly improved the choir of Barchester, which, under his dominion, now rivals that of any cathedral in England. He has taken something more than his fair share in the cathedral services, and has played the violoncello daily to such audiences as he could collect, or, faute de mieux, to no audience at all.

We must mention one other peculiarity of Mr. Harding. As we have before stated, he has an income of eight hundred a year, and has no family but his one daughter; and yet he is never quite at ease in money matters. The vellum and gilding of "Harding's Church Music," cost more than any one knows, except the author, the publisher, and the Rev. Theophilus Grantly, who allows none of his father-in-law's extravagances to escape him. Then he is generous to his daughter, for whose service he keeps a small carriage and pair of ponies. He is, indeed, generous to all, but especially to the twelve old

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text: Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Markland, Abraham